1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:11,960 Hello, welcome to the next show. I know on just all of my social medias I've told everyone 2 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:17,720 what this show is going to be about. So the first thing I'd like to do is welcome you 3 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:26,880 all. Welcome to another show. I'd like to say again a massive thank you to everyone 4 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:38,480 for watching, listening, everything that you're doing because it's massively gratefully appreciated. 5 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:45,720 With the show today, it's going to be a bit different. I know I say that quite a lot, 6 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:55,800 but it's going to be a bit different because predominantly I'm literally going to explain 7 00:00:55,800 --> 00:01:08,720 the emotional impact that the MS diagnosis has had on me. I'm going to do that explaining 8 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:15,800 from the first minute that I was told about it right up to today. So please bear with 9 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:26,520 me because I'm hoping it doesn't, but this could be a little bit emotional because we 10 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:34,720 are talking about emotions. Yeah, okay. But yeah, I think it's only right to get this 11 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:41,160 sort of side of it out and about. I know I have mentioned bits and pieces on other shows. 12 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:52,800 Yeah, this one, I want to dedicate the show to it. Well, let's start right from the very 13 00:01:52,800 --> 00:02:02,000 start. It's probably the best place to start. Let's be honest. As I've said in a couple 14 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:15,560 of shows, when things were first going on about MRI scans and whatever else, MS was 15 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:25,400 nothing but a condition I'd heard of in passing. Nothing to do with me, nothing to do with 16 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:34,000 family, nothing to do with really anyone I knew. I knew the condition existed, but that 17 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:45,000 was it. I didn't have a clue what the condition was, how the condition would affect people. 18 00:02:45,000 --> 00:03:00,280 And I knew nothing. I literally knew nothing. And when I sat there that day with my GP after 19 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:12,320 the second open scan, and as I've made clear previously, I'm a laughing joker. And I stood 20 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:19,360 there in the doctor's office and I made the joke that he was about to tell me it was a 21 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:28,680 wasted time, there was no need for the scans, nothing was on him. And he looked at me and 22 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:37,680 he said to me, Mr Parker, sit down. And he said lots and lots of different words to me. 23 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:45,920 I'm going to be honest, he said lots and lots of different things. He was explaining about 24 00:03:45,920 --> 00:04:03,440 demyelination, he was explaining about what to expect going forwards. And then he said 25 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:15,300 to me that I need to expect, once I've seen a neurologist, I need to expect the diagnosis 26 00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:27,840 of multiple sclerosis. Now, as I've said, I'd heard of condition, I've been a first 27 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:40,960 aider for many, many years. I knew nobody that had MS. So to say it was something genuinely 28 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:50,960 I knew nothing about. I'd be lying to you if I said I knew what MS was, I didn't. Didn't 29 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:59,320 have a clue. And I'll be honest with you, when he told me that, pretty much everything 30 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:13,680 else he said while I was sat with him was a blur. I literally didn't hear or understand 31 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:24,040 anything else that he'd said to me. All I heard was expect the diagnosis of multiple 32 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:36,680 sclerosis. And that was it. I sort of closed off. We finished the meeting and I left his 33 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:43,720 office. I mean, at the time I was still having mobility issues, which again, we now know 34 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:50,680 what they were. But at that time, I thought I was just going to cut the tablets and I'd 35 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:59,160 be okay. Until after that meeting, and I come out. And I walked out of the doctor's office. 36 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:08,760 I had a smile on my face. You know, people were seeing me. In my head, all I could think 37 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:20,760 was what do you mean I've got MS? What does that mean for me? What does that mean for 38 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:30,920 my family? And as I said, I walked out of the doors into the fresh air. And I took a 39 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:48,040 step to the side away from the doors. I broke. I absolutely broke. I bawled my eyes out. 40 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:58,760 I could not stop the tears coming down my face. I rang Lisa and told her what the doctor 41 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:09,480 had said. She, bless her heart, did everything she possibly could to keep me calm. And to 42 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:18,080 an extent, I'll be honest, it really did help. I finished the conversation with Lisa. 43 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:29,000 I rang my dad. And I said, you know, I want to pop over. This is what he said. So me, 44 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:40,120 dad, Lisa, we sat there. And we sort of chewed it all over. We discussed it all. And again, 45 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:47,080 I'd be honest with you. I didn't understand what was going on. I've got to say that. 46 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:53,440 I did not understand what was going on. It wasn't till, I think it was probably the 47 00:07:53,440 --> 00:08:15,000 day after. And I went for a bath. And I laid there in that bath. And I cried. I absolutely 48 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:22,160 broke. As I say, I broke outside the doctor's office. I cried. This, when I was in the bath, 49 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:29,800 was something totally different. I genuinely had all these feelings, all these thoughts, 50 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:38,160 literally smacked me in the face. And I have to say it, I've got to be totally straight, 51 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:43,300 because this is what this show's about. It's me being straight. Because there's people 52 00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:49,800 out there that are going to have had the same sort of feelings I've had, all worse. And 53 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:55,280 there's people out there that maybe one day are going to have similar conversations with 54 00:08:55,280 --> 00:09:04,560 their doctor. And towards the back end of the show, I want to explain how I've dealt 55 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:15,760 with it all. But yeah, I had one really horrific thought go through my head, which was, how 56 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:24,680 much time have I got left with my family? Because I knew nothing. I knew nothing. I 57 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:36,160 genuinely was terrified. I was thinking, have I only got a few months left? A few years 58 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:47,880 tops? Where do we go from here? What happens? I didn't understand what was going on. I 59 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:56,760 got to say that I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't really think anything 60 00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:09,840 through. I was struggling. And I couldn't process what had been said. I really couldn't 61 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:18,640 process it at all. I mean, I spoke to Lisa a lot. But again, there were certain things 62 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:26,480 I held back because I didn't know how to say them. There's things that for many months, 63 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:31,160 I'll be honest, for many months, I didn't know what to say, how to say. I didn't know 64 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:39,640 what I should think. I didn't know how to think. I was struggling. And I'll be honest 65 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,600 with you, I tried really hard to keep it from family and friends. And I think I actually 66 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:56,600 succeeded. But I was in a dark place. I was in a real, real struggle to think too far 67 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:14,360 ahead in my life. And what I did do is I made contact with a support group. And I did post 68 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:22,240 up a post on there when I'd been formally diagnosed. And I also sort of sat back and 69 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:30,360 just read other people's stories and whatever else. And it helped quite a lot. I'm going 70 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:36,240 to be honest with you, it helped quite a lot to see what people that are actually going 71 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:43,640 through this say and think. I tried really hard to avoid Dr. Google. Because let's be 72 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:48,440 honest with you, you can stub your toe and Dr. Google is going to tell you things that 73 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:53,080 are actually going to scare the life out of you. Don't get me wrong, there was bits and 74 00:11:53,080 --> 00:12:06,560 pieces that yes, I did look at. And I regret it. I genuinely regret it. Because again, 75 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:13,520 it's not the way forward. Reading Google, no. I went onto the NHS website and read things. 76 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:19,600 And that is fine. It's the National Health Service. It's there to give advice and whatever 77 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:27,440 else. So that actually helped quite a lot. I've got to say that I learned bits and pieces. 78 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:33,960 And I managed to get myself to a more calmer point. I managed to get myself to a point 79 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:50,120 where I'm thinking, okay, I've got MS. MS is horrible. MS is evil. I'm struggling physically, 80 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:55,680 really struggling. I need to keep fighting. I need to keep going. And again, I'm very, 81 00:12:55,680 --> 00:13:01,040 very lucky. I've got an incredible support network. I really have. And I totally respect 82 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:08,200 people out there who don't have the same. If you don't, there's charities out there. 83 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:17,960 The one main charity I would absolutely recommend, certainly if you're in the UK, is the MS Society. 84 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:24,180 That's purely because that's the charity that I've spoken to on a few occasions. And I have 85 00:13:24,180 --> 00:13:32,000 to say they've been superb each and every time. They really have. Now, again, going 86 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:38,320 back to other sort of feelings that I've had, I mean, some of the sort of things that I've 87 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:52,380 thought and have gone through my head are, am I good enough? Am I what my family need? 88 00:13:52,380 --> 00:14:02,480 Would my family do better than me in the state I'm in? And yeah, some of them thoughts have 89 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:12,320 been there more than once. But what I have always, always tried to do is battle my way 90 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:24,400 through them. Now, what I will say is doing this podcast has been an absolute, it's done 91 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:31,880 so much for me. Again, I've said it previous, I sit here in this brick shed, my studio, 92 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:39,960 no, it's a brick shed, stop it. No, studio, brick shed. Sorry, just playing. But yeah, 93 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:45,600 I sit here and I just look at my phone and I've got my microphone, I've got my sound 94 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:52,040 board, sometimes I've got my notes and I just talk, I get things off my chest. Sometimes 95 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:58,520 not nice things, sometimes just have a bit of fun and a bit of a laugh and a joke. Either 96 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:04,360 way, that helps me because I'm talking. I'm getting things off my chest, which actually 97 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:11,440 I really need to do. I've got the website now and I've got the social media accounts 98 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:23,520 and I'm really going to town on that because I want others to see that, yeah, I mean, this 99 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:33,720 is life changing. It's not a game, it's not fun, it's horrific, it is life changing. But 100 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:45,120 you don't have to let it destroy what you've got in terms of your life and everything else. 101 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:49,280 There are, as I've said, there are charities out there that can help, there is people out 102 00:15:49,280 --> 00:16:01,400 there that can help. If you can, use that. I'd strongly recommend it. I mean, other feelings 103 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:07,120 that I've had going a bit further forward, because again, I mean, all those sort of feelings 104 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:16,000 I've had for many, many months and hidden a lot back, going forward up towards present 105 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:24,960 day, when I went for my first ocrevus treatment, I was so far in denial right up until the 106 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:33,920 point that I sat down in the chair and they put the drip in my arm. I was genuinely thinking 107 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:39,600 they were going to say to me, oh, is this okay? We've got it wrong. You haven't got 108 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:47,880 MS. There's some other condition. Again, take some tablets, you'll be perfectly fine. I 109 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,680 was really hoping for that. Honestly, I was genuinely hoping for it and I'm thinking that's 110 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:56,920 what's going to happen. They're going to realise that they've got it wrong. No, no, I'd got 111 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:09,400 it wrong. I thought the right thing for me to say, yeah, I'd got it wrong because I hadn't 112 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:19,160 processed what was going on. I hadn't wanted to accept it and I still don't, but I am going 113 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:28,160 to move forward with it and I am going to continue to fight it. Yes, I have got multiple 114 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:34,040 sclerosis. Fine. Don't like it. Not happy about it. None of us are ever going to be 115 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:44,200 happy about it, but you know what? I'm at a point now where I've kind of, I'm not going 116 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,880 to say come to terms with it because I haven't. I've still got days where I sit there and 117 00:17:47,880 --> 00:18:01,280 think, no, no, no, no, no, this can't be right. But what I have got is thoughts and feelings 118 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:09,360 where I'm saying to myself, do you know what? You need to accept it and you need to move 119 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:19,040 forward with it because it can't hold you back. Don't let it hold you back. Do what 120 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:26,480 you can to push yourself as far forward as possible. And that's what I'm going to do. 121 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:31,840 That's definitely what I'm going to do. I'm going to continue to fight. I am going to 122 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:37,240 continue to battle with it because that's what this thing is. It's a fight. It's a battle. 123 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:46,720 We go to war with it, so to speak. But yeah, pushing forward, I'm going to be a lot more 124 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:53,920 open to my emotions with it. I am going to start talking a lot more and I'm going to 125 00:18:53,920 --> 00:19:05,160 try and find a way of, I'm going to say accepting because I can't really think of any other 126 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:17,480 term to use. I'm going to try and accept it and find a way to live alongside it. It's 127 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:23,200 probably about the only way I can put it because the only option I've got is to live alongside 128 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:31,240 it. But honestly, the things that I do, like I say, the podcast, the website, the social 129 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:37,160 medias and me personally, I try and make a bit of a joke of it. I know not everyone will 130 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:41,240 and I fully respect that. For me, I try and make a bit of a joke of it to take away its 131 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:47,520 power. Because if I take the mickey out of it, for me personally, if I take the mickey 132 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:54,600 out of it, to an extent it loses that grip it's got on me. Again, that's just how I 133 00:19:54,600 --> 00:20:07,000 handle it. That's what I'm doing with it because quite honestly, I know no other way. I'm looking 134 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:15,200 for other routes. I'm looking for other things that I can do to try and fight it. I'm just 135 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:21,240 hoping, just hearing my story, hearing what I'm going through, how I'm dealing with it, 136 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:31,960 what I've done, I'm just hoping other people out there can also find a way. 137 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:36,680 Well I think I've kept you all long enough. As I say, this is actually quite a hard episode 138 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:43,120 for me to record because it's not the sort of thing I'd normally talk about in such depth. 139 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:51,000 But 20 minutes I think is probably long enough to keep you all. I do appreciate you all listening. 140 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:59,440 I really do. I know this isn't necessarily going to be an easy listen for some. I'm sorry 141 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:04,440 for that. But honestly, I think this is an episode that needed to get out there a little 142 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:12,840 bit. Well, thank you all for listening and I will speak to you all again soon. Thank 143 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:21,240 you. Bye bye.