Hello, welcome to the next show. I know on just all of my social medias I've told everyone
what this show is going to be about. So the first thing I'd like to do is welcome you
all. Welcome to another show. I'd like to say again a massive thank you to everyone
for watching, listening, everything that you're doing because it's massively gratefully appreciated.
With the show today, it's going to be a bit different. I know I say that quite a lot,
but it's going to be a bit different because predominantly I'm literally going to explain
the emotional impact that the MS diagnosis has had on me. I'm going to do that explaining
from the first minute that I was told about it right up to today. So please bear with
me because I'm hoping it doesn't, but this could be a little bit emotional because we
are talking about emotions. Yeah, okay. But yeah, I think it's only right to get this
sort of side of it out and about. I know I have mentioned bits and pieces on other shows.
Yeah, this one, I want to dedicate the show to it. Well, let's start right from the very
start. It's probably the best place to start. Let's be honest. As I've said in a couple
of shows, when things were first going on about MRI scans and whatever else, MS was
nothing but a condition I'd heard of in passing. Nothing to do with me, nothing to do with
family, nothing to do with really anyone I knew. I knew the condition existed, but that
was it. I didn't have a clue what the condition was, how the condition would affect people.
And I knew nothing. I literally knew nothing. And when I sat there that day with my GP after
the second open scan, and as I've made clear previously, I'm a laughing joker. And I stood
there in the doctor's office and I made the joke that he was about to tell me it was a
wasted time, there was no need for the scans, nothing was on him. And he looked at me and
he said to me, Mr Parker, sit down. And he said lots and lots of different words to me.
I'm going to be honest, he said lots and lots of different things. He was explaining about
demyelination, he was explaining about what to expect going forwards. And then he said
to me that I need to expect, once I've seen a neurologist, I need to expect the diagnosis
of multiple sclerosis. Now, as I've said, I'd heard of condition, I've been a first
aider for many, many years. I knew nobody that had MS. So to say it was something genuinely
I knew nothing about. I'd be lying to you if I said I knew what MS was, I didn't. Didn't
have a clue. And I'll be honest with you, when he told me that, pretty much everything
else he said while I was sat with him was a blur. I literally didn't hear or understand
anything else that he'd said to me. All I heard was expect the diagnosis of multiple
sclerosis. And that was it. I sort of closed off. We finished the meeting and I left his
office. I mean, at the time I was still having mobility issues, which again, we now know
what they were. But at that time, I thought I was just going to cut the tablets and I'd
be okay. Until after that meeting, and I come out. And I walked out of the doctor's office.
I had a smile on my face. You know, people were seeing me. In my head, all I could think
was what do you mean I've got MS? What does that mean for me? What does that mean for
my family? And as I said, I walked out of the doors into the fresh air. And I took a
step to the side away from the doors. I broke. I absolutely broke. I bawled my eyes out.
I could not stop the tears coming down my face. I rang Lisa and told her what the doctor
had said. She, bless her heart, did everything she possibly could to keep me calm. And to
an extent, I'll be honest, it really did help. I finished the conversation with Lisa.
I rang my dad. And I said, you know, I want to pop over. This is what he said. So me,
dad, Lisa, we sat there. And we sort of chewed it all over. We discussed it all. And again,
I'd be honest with you. I didn't understand what was going on. I've got to say that.
I did not understand what was going on. It wasn't till, I think it was probably the
day after. And I went for a bath. And I laid there in that bath. And I cried. I absolutely
broke. As I say, I broke outside the doctor's office. I cried. This, when I was in the bath,
was something totally different. I genuinely had all these feelings, all these thoughts,
literally smacked me in the face. And I have to say it, I've got to be totally straight,
because this is what this show's about. It's me being straight. Because there's people
out there that are going to have had the same sort of feelings I've had, all worse. And
there's people out there that maybe one day are going to have similar conversations with
their doctor. And towards the back end of the show, I want to explain how I've dealt
with it all. But yeah, I had one really horrific thought go through my head, which was, how
much time have I got left with my family? Because I knew nothing. I knew nothing. I
genuinely was terrified. I was thinking, have I only got a few months left? A few years
tops? Where do we go from here? What happens? I didn't understand what was going on. I
got to say that I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't really think anything
through. I was struggling. And I couldn't process what had been said. I really couldn't
process it at all. I mean, I spoke to Lisa a lot. But again, there were certain things
I held back because I didn't know how to say them. There's things that for many months,
I'll be honest, for many months, I didn't know what to say, how to say. I didn't know
what I should think. I didn't know how to think. I was struggling. And I'll be honest
with you, I tried really hard to keep it from family and friends. And I think I actually
succeeded. But I was in a dark place. I was in a real, real struggle to think too far
ahead in my life. And what I did do is I made contact with a support group. And I did post
up a post on there when I'd been formally diagnosed. And I also sort of sat back and
just read other people's stories and whatever else. And it helped quite a lot. I'm going
to be honest with you, it helped quite a lot to see what people that are actually going
through this say and think. I tried really hard to avoid Dr. Google. Because let's be
honest with you, you can stub your toe and Dr. Google is going to tell you things that
are actually going to scare the life out of you. Don't get me wrong, there was bits and
pieces that yes, I did look at. And I regret it. I genuinely regret it. Because again,
it's not the way forward. Reading Google, no. I went onto the NHS website and read things.
And that is fine. It's the National Health Service. It's there to give advice and whatever
else. So that actually helped quite a lot. I've got to say that I learned bits and pieces.
And I managed to get myself to a more calmer point. I managed to get myself to a point
where I'm thinking, okay, I've got MS. MS is horrible. MS is evil. I'm struggling physically,
really struggling. I need to keep fighting. I need to keep going. And again, I'm very,
very lucky. I've got an incredible support network. I really have. And I totally respect
people out there who don't have the same. If you don't, there's charities out there.
The one main charity I would absolutely recommend, certainly if you're in the UK, is the MS Society.
That's purely because that's the charity that I've spoken to on a few occasions. And I have
to say they've been superb each and every time. They really have. Now, again, going
back to other sort of feelings that I've had, I mean, some of the sort of things that I've
thought and have gone through my head are, am I good enough? Am I what my family need?
Would my family do better than me in the state I'm in? And yeah, some of them thoughts have
been there more than once. But what I have always, always tried to do is battle my way
through them. Now, what I will say is doing this podcast has been an absolute, it's done
so much for me. Again, I've said it previous, I sit here in this brick shed, my studio,
no, it's a brick shed, stop it. No, studio, brick shed. Sorry, just playing. But yeah,
I sit here and I just look at my phone and I've got my microphone, I've got my sound
board, sometimes I've got my notes and I just talk, I get things off my chest. Sometimes
not nice things, sometimes just have a bit of fun and a bit of a laugh and a joke. Either
way, that helps me because I'm talking. I'm getting things off my chest, which actually
I really need to do. I've got the website now and I've got the social media accounts
and I'm really going to town on that because I want others to see that, yeah, I mean, this
is life changing. It's not a game, it's not fun, it's horrific, it is life changing. But
you don't have to let it destroy what you've got in terms of your life and everything else.
There are, as I've said, there are charities out there that can help, there is people out
there that can help. If you can, use that. I'd strongly recommend it. I mean, other feelings
that I've had going a bit further forward, because again, I mean, all those sort of feelings
I've had for many, many months and hidden a lot back, going forward up towards present
day, when I went for my first ocrevus treatment, I was so far in denial right up until the
point that I sat down in the chair and they put the drip in my arm. I was genuinely thinking
they were going to say to me, oh, is this okay? We've got it wrong. You haven't got
MS. There's some other condition. Again, take some tablets, you'll be perfectly fine. I
was really hoping for that. Honestly, I was genuinely hoping for it and I'm thinking that's
what's going to happen. They're going to realise that they've got it wrong. No, no, I'd got
it wrong. I thought the right thing for me to say, yeah, I'd got it wrong because I hadn't
processed what was going on. I hadn't wanted to accept it and I still don't, but I am going
to move forward with it and I am going to continue to fight it. Yes, I have got multiple
sclerosis. Fine. Don't like it. Not happy about it. None of us are ever going to be
happy about it, but you know what? I'm at a point now where I've kind of, I'm not going
to say come to terms with it because I haven't. I've still got days where I sit there and
think, no, no, no, no, no, this can't be right. But what I have got is thoughts and feelings
where I'm saying to myself, do you know what? You need to accept it and you need to move
forward with it because it can't hold you back. Don't let it hold you back. Do what
you can to push yourself as far forward as possible. And that's what I'm going to do.
That's definitely what I'm going to do. I'm going to continue to fight. I am going to
continue to battle with it because that's what this thing is. It's a fight. It's a battle.
We go to war with it, so to speak. But yeah, pushing forward, I'm going to be a lot more
open to my emotions with it. I am going to start talking a lot more and I'm going to
try and find a way of, I'm going to say accepting because I can't really think of any other
term to use. I'm going to try and accept it and find a way to live alongside it. It's
probably about the only way I can put it because the only option I've got is to live alongside
it. But honestly, the things that I do, like I say, the podcast, the website, the social
medias and me personally, I try and make a bit of a joke of it. I know not everyone will
and I fully respect that. For me, I try and make a bit of a joke of it to take away its
power. Because if I take the mickey out of it, for me personally, if I take the mickey
out of it, to an extent it loses that grip it's got on me. Again, that's just how I
handle it. That's what I'm doing with it because quite honestly, I know no other way. I'm looking
for other routes. I'm looking for other things that I can do to try and fight it. I'm just
hoping, just hearing my story, hearing what I'm going through, how I'm dealing with it,
what I've done, I'm just hoping other people out there can also find a way.
Well I think I've kept you all long enough. As I say, this is actually quite a hard episode
for me to record because it's not the sort of thing I'd normally talk about in such depth.
But 20 minutes I think is probably long enough to keep you all. I do appreciate you all listening.
I really do. I know this isn't necessarily going to be an easy listen for some. I'm sorry
for that. But honestly, I think this is an episode that needed to get out there a little
bit. Well, thank you all for listening and I will speak to you all again soon. Thank
you. Bye bye.