I hope everyone's doing the best that they can at the moment.
Welcome to episode 13.
Today, I've got a bit of a confession to make to you all.
It's nothing bad, but it is quite shocking.
Yes, yeah, it is very shocking.
So today, I'm going to do something, actually, it's going to be quite hard for me to do,
I'll be totally honest with you.
I want to open up about how this diagnosis has made me feel and how the current issues
with it are making me feel.
I know from time to time I've mentioned pains and whatever else, I'm going to go a little
bit more in depth than that.
So I've written down some words I want to say, because to be honest with you, if I just
try and explain that off the top of my head, I'm probably going to get tongue-tied and
I'll be totally honest, maybe a shade emotional.
So I try not to play that game if I can help it.
But yeah, if you don't mind, there's something I'd like to do during this show today is
open up to you all.
But first, confession time.
Wow.
Okay.
This is quite the confession.
I did something just yesterday that is actually normally very much against my thought processes.
Yes.
Oh dear.
Because it's been quite a tough year for us as a family.
I mean, obviously, with my diagnosis and everything and other little bits and pieces going on,
it's been a bit of a tough year.
I got to say it, I know I've mentioned it in the past, my family have been incredible.
They really, really have.
And to say I am proud of each and every member of my family is an understatement.
Because if you're listening, every one of you is more of a legend than you can ever
understand.
So thank you, all of you.
Lisa, she says to me, it was either yesterday morning or the night before, I think it was
actually the night before, she mentioned that the kids were talking about wanting the Christmas
tree up.
Yeah.
Yeah, very early.
And I always say no.
And normally we put it up to first week of December, first of December, around that sort
of time.
We've had it up to real back end of November before.
But I'm thinking to myself, do you know what, because it's been a bit of a tough year,
and these kids have been incredible.
They really have.
There's no other word for it apart from incredible.
They've been my little legends and mega proud, mega proud.
And I'm very much the kind of person with that sort of stuff.
The answer is always no.
Not this time.
I said no.
Naturally.
Rude not to.
I had to say no.
But I put it in my head that, do you know what?
They deserve something to put a real smile on their faces.
I mean, they're happy kids anyway, but to really put a smile on their faces.
So I planned it in my head for the following day.
And I said to myself, right, kids are at school.
When Lisa goes to work, I'm going to get the Christmas tree up.
And yeah, I did.
I absolutely did.
I think Lisa knew what I was doing because out the back area, we've got a CCTV camera
there.
And she realized for that short space of time, I'd actually turned it off.
Yep, not the smartest move because she knew there was going to be an issue.
But yes, I came out.
I grabbed the Christmas tree.
It wasn't easy to get it all out.
I'll be honest with you.
I had to sort of fight through and do it.
It was a bit painful, but you know what?
Cracked on.
Got it done.
Got the tree out.
Got the decorations out.
And while they were all at school, while Lisa was at work, I put the tree up.
Yep, very early.
I know.
Very early.
I don't care.
I really don't care if it puts a smile on my family's face.
Whatever.
Who cares?
So yeah, I put the lights on the tree, put the tree in place.
And I left the box of decorations out because I thought, you know what?
When the kids come home, there's no point me decorating the tree.
Let's do this all together as a family.
So when they walked in, they come home from school.
They looked and went, oh, the Christmas tree.
Yeah, there it was.
And I explained to them that it wasn't me that put the tree up.
Nah, definitely not.
Definitely not.
I wouldn't do that sort of thing.
Honest.
So we made a point that yesterday evening, I put Christmas music on.
Yep, that's another big, strange one.
I put Christmas music on.
And between us, we decorated the tree.
We decorated the living room, the hallway.
You know, we just decorated as much as we could downstairs.
It was really good fun.
We had a great time.
It was absolutely worth it.
It really was worth it.
Because between us, well, we all had a great time.
And yeah, they deserve it.
So yeah, that's my confession.
I actually put the Christmas tree up this early.
And believe me, when I tell you this early, that is pretty rare.
Whatever.
Kids are happy.
I'm happy.
Lisa's happy.
Job done.
It was brilliant.
I can't really say much more, to be honest with you, apart from we had a great time.
There's still more bits to get.
I absolutely need some candy canes on the tree because I'll be honest, I love them.
Absolutely love candy canes.
We need chocolate on the tree.
We need crackers on the tree.
But pretty much the tree is decorated.
We've got an elf hat.
It's like a Santa hat, but obviously an elf version.
So what I did, just as a bit of fun while the kids are decorating the tree and whatever
else, I put this elf hat on and I got a piece of paper.
And yep, I put, it was an elf and safety audit.
Elf and safety get everywhere, don't they?
Let's be honest, they literally, they check on everything.
But yeah, this elf was making sure it was all done correctly.
It was fun.
God be honest, it was really good fun.
There's a picture of that on actually both my TikTok, not TikTok on that one, I'm afraid.
But there is a picture of that actually on my Instagram.
By all means have a look.
Me with an elf hat on.
Yeah, I'll apologise now.
But it kept everyone entertained.
Coming away from that, as I said at the start, I really want to properly open up on how this
diagnosis has made me feel and has affected me.
And I've written a lot of this down because like I said at the start, if I just sit here
and waffle and let it all out, there is a chance I might get a little bit emotional.
But do you know what?
Getting emotional actually is kind of a good thing.
Because keeping feelings locked up inside yourself, it doesn't help.
It really doesn't help.
And this is something I'm getting very passionate about, I'll be honest with you, about keeping
feelings bottled up.
Personally, my advice, and again I am just a normal fella, I am nothing, not medically
trained, nothing like that.
I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not a mental health worker.
But my personal advice, don't keep things bottled up.
Get them out there in the world.
The demons that you're going through, in my personal opinion, when you talk about those
demons, they start eventually to lose their power.
So honestly time for me.
Yeah bear with me.
This could be an interesting conversation.
OK, so going back to when my GP first suggested that multiple sclerosis was an option.
Basically he said to me to prepare for that diagnosis.
And I know I've said this in my first video I did, which I then burnt the footage, the
audio from as my first podcast.
I actually came out of that appointment with the doctor.
And do you know what, I'm going to be totally honest, I cried.
I stood outside that doctor's surgery and I cried.
I rang Lisa.
I rang my dad.
And do you know what, genuinely and there's certain bits that I'm going to say that the
only person that's ever heard me say them is Lisa.
And I have to say she is just superb.
Doesn't really matter what issues are going on in my head.
She's always there to listen to me.
Never ever tells me that she's not got time.
She never tells me that she can't listen.
She's always there.
So again, me personally I'm very very lucky in that respect.
But yeah, I mean that's quite honest and open for me to admit to the world again.
You know, I cried my eyes out.
I really really did because do you know what, at that point I didn't know anything about
MS.
I still don't know a great deal.
I'd be lying if I said I did.
I've done research, I've done bits and pieces.
But I'm still new to all of this.
I really am.
But yeah, I mean I knew at that point my life had just changed.
Once I'd had my brain scan and the neurologist diagnosed me and passed me on to a specialist
MS nurse.
Again, I knew my life had changed.
And I'll be honest with you, again this is something, the only person that knows this
is Lisa.
I felt broken.
Absolutely broken.
Not only did I feel like my life had changed, the first thing that went through my head
is what kind of life, not just me, what kind of life am I going to cause for my family?
But do you know what, again, my family are incredible and I know there's people out
there that are not as lucky as me.
And I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you need to talk, there are charities out
there, contact them.
Even if you go onto Facebook, and I'm going to name it, there are places on Facebook,
there are support groups, go and talk to them.
Please, please don't keep things bottled up.
That's something I really am strong on these days.
I've said this, don't keep things bottled up.
But yeah, at that point when the neurologist had diagnosed me and I felt broken, I genuinely,
do you know what, I said it to myself a good number of times, I actually said, why me?
Why me?
Why do, why has this thing chosen me?
But do you know what?
Why me?
I would rather it's me than other people.
Simple as that.
I would much rather me than somebody else.
A cold, hard fact.
And that's not me being any kind of hero or anything like that.
My thought process is very much of the fact that, well, if I'm going through it, then
stupidly in my head I'm thinking somebody else isn't.
I know they are, but it's not the point.
For me personally, if I can take anything like this away, I'm going to.
Because do you know what, it's very much a case of I'd rather me than somebody else.
Simple as that.
But again, at that point I'd already started to have quite large mobility issues.
My physio at the time, he'd given me crutches because of my mobility and my walking.
We purchased a wheelchair, which again has been incredible when it's been needed to be
used.
And again, all of this time I'm thinking to myself, I'm 39 years old, this should not
be happening.
I'm having falls at this point that are ridiculous.
And again these falls and stuff, the wheelchair, the crutches, I'm thinking to myself, come
on this can't keep happening.
It can't keep happening.
I'm thinking to myself, do you know what, this is unfair.
Forget me.
I'm thinking this is, I'm not interested in me.
I'll be honest with you.
It's not fair to my family.
It's not fair to the kids.
It's not fair to Lisa.
It's not fair to anyone in my family seeing me have all these falls and have all these
issues.
Well do you know what?
All they care about is me being okay.
Simple as that.
They just want me to be okay.
So from my point of view, I'm going to be okay.
This thing's going to give me bad days.
This thing's going to give me good days.
Well do you know what?
No matter what, I'll keep going.
I will continue to keep going.
You know, using a mobility scooter at 39, who cares?
I need it.
It gets me from A to B. It's changed my life.
I'll be honest with you, it's changed my life in a very positive way.
And I actually wouldn't change that for anything else because it has done wonders.
You know, each tear, and I'll be straight with you, there's been a lot.
I've shed a lot of tears over these last few months.
And I'm not ashamed of that.
I have been.
I've had times where I've been ashamed of that.
Not anymore.
Really not anymore.
I'm proud that, do you know what?
I've been in a position where I can shed those tears.
I can show that, do you know what?
This thing is evil.
It is absolutely evil.
And it's made me feel completely useless at times.
I'll be totally straight with you.
But do you know what?
I'm not useless.
I'm really not useless.
And I am going to keep fighting.
Whether it's a good day, whether it's a bad day, I'm going to keep fighting.
And do you know what?
As I put down on this piece of paper in front of me, I am going to live my life the very
best way I can.
Now I hope, I really hope me showing positivity can help somebody else that maybe isn't quite
able to.
Because that's what I'm doing with all of this.
I really want to help people.
I want to get this all out in the open.
So that maybe, and I've said it before, just one person, if I can help just one person,
all of this time I sit here talking and opening up about things is absolutely worth it.
Well I think that will do for today.
This is a bit longer of a podcast, so I will apologise for that.
But these are things that needed to get out there.
So thank you all again.
Because each and every one of you that listens to these podcasts, downloads, whatever, each
and every one of you is making me so proud it's unreal.
It really is.
And I do appreciate each and every one of you.
I genuinely do.
Thank you all so much.
I hope whatever you're doing over the next day or so, a few days until we speak again,
I hope it's all good.
Well thank you all for listening and I will talk to you all again soon.
Bye bye.