Welcome back! This is your kind of well, kind of toxic host Sarah Rittendale bringing you
another episode of Well-ish.
Hi guys! I had a little bit more of an anxious week this week so if you're seeing me and
it looks like I have no eyelashes that's because I picked them all off. Not literally
but they're all broken. So did you guys hear that thunder? Two weeks in a row we've got thunder
for the fucking show. What is that about? Is that a sign? Oh my god see look at that anxiety!
What's wrong with me? Okay so relax. What I want to talk to you guys about today kind of
correlates with my anxiety filled week and I didn't necessarily realize that until last night
when it was at its all-time high and I was like oh my god I have to record this podcast in the
morning you know I'm gonna talk to you guys about wellness and I've been having like anxiety
mad as fuck all week. I realize now though how much my brain was trying to calm me down through
trying to put together this show for you guys so it's kind of funny how it always seems to correlate.
What I'm going to tell you guys today, talk to you guys about today, is not just surrounding
anxiety it can be... Oh my god did you hear what is with this? Why is there so much thunder?
I'm terrified. Okay anyways the first thing I want to say before we really get into this is that
when I get in these anxiety spells I get really pissed off because I feel I've made so much progress
to overcome my anxiety and to mitigate it as much as possible and when I have these weeks or days or
hour that I'm freaking out I get upset because I feel like I should know how to manage it better
and it shouldn't be happening and I don't want it to happen anymore and you know what am I
still doing wrong in order to allow this to still happen in my life or especially like if I start
to actually spiral or if I start to really ruminate on things I get like angry at myself because
I'm like I know how to fix this or I know that I shouldn't be doing this and I will say like I
said last night I was having a hard time in a ruminating spiral and I was not able to sleep
because of it and I will say that I feel like I did do a good job of you know catching myself and
being aware of my rumination and I think that that is a really big factor in moving out of the
anxiety that's something I was never able to do before so being able to recognize that progress
and I was able to say to myself you know I have to allow myself to let this go I give myself
permission to let this go so I can fall asleep my life has not changed at all since the rumination
began nothing is actually different it's just that you're thinking about something different now
and being able to kind of put my focus there and I actually was able to fall asleep once I
decided to tell myself that I had permission to let it go so I will get so upset with myself but
being able to return to the progress that I have made has really allowed me to move forward and this
episode isn't just relative to anxiety it can be relative to any you know wellness progression
that you're trying to make in your life so today we are going to talk about the five things that I
wish I knew when I started my wellness journey the very first thing that I wish to God I knew when
I started my wellness journey was that there was never going to be a magical finish line I was so
fixated on that I was so convinced that one day I would never have these problems ever again that
one day I would just never be upset about anything that I would just live in complete bliss I actually
like I genuinely thought that like that sounds insane but it sounds insane because I'm saying it
out loud but that's really what I thought in my head like I had this picture of me like living in
some little cottage in a meadow by a mountain with water running somewhere and birds and it's
everything's wonderful and peaceful and happy like I genuinely had that image in my brain that one day
I was just gonna live a life that was gonna be perfect and I was never gonna have any issues
ever again and you know what's funny about that is when the pandemic happened I remember being
that being one of my major things that I was upset about mentally was not having anything to stress
about like I didn't have anything to worry about or care about and that made me feel like I had
nothing in my life and not that I'm saying that I want things to be stressed about or I want things
to be upset about but it was that there was nothingness happening and that's kind of my that was
my perception of what peace was was having nothing at all and that's not a life and it kind of goes
back to that corny saying of you can't have the good without the bad but to think that one day
I was gonna cross this magical threshold and all would be well is asinine it's always going to be
a work in progress it's a combination of the good days and the bad days that make up a good life
and again corny but like it is it's an accumulation of days over time that you could potentially
look back on and realize that there's hopefully more good days than bad days as you continue to
progress it's not going to be 100% good it will still have the bad days you know sprinkled in
there but when you can look back and recognize that most of the days you did well you overall will
be able to feel good there won't be an aha moment of greatness that you realize like I did it I'm
here I made it I've crossed the finish line there's going to be things that are aha like little
moments like you might hear something or something might click and you're gonna be like oh my god
like that's how to fix it or like there's just these like tiny things that accumulate over time
but it's not one massive aha moment and you can take those tiny aha moments that accumulate over
time and continue to apply it to your knowledge and to your experience but drop the expectation
that one day you'll be a 100% healed and I've talked about this to you guys before but being 100%
healed is never going to be a thing because things are going to keep popping up into your life that
you're going to have to heal from whether it's things that hit wounds that you already have like
if you have trust issues or rejection issues neglect issues you know whatever whatever your
problem is you know those things are likely to get touched throughout your life or new things are
bound to happen because that's just how life works bad things happen and you have to be willing to
accept that that's just the way that life is and if you think that you're 100% healed you're going
to be let down you're going to be disappointed every single time that should happens because
you're going to feel like you have to start all over again and you don't have to start all over
again it's just that you can use the knowledge that you already know and take that new thing in
and work through that and it's going to suck but you'll be better at it each time that stuff happens
because you're going to have more knowledge and more experience and more acceptance within you
you know when you make the horrible mistake of like going way way way way back in your
Instagram or on your Facebook or you get those like memories from Snapchat or from Facebook and
you're just like oh my god like and and they're when you were younger like you know high school
or college and you thought at that time that you were hot shit like you know wholeheartedly that
when you took that picture or when you were with your friends or just even at that time in your
life you thought that you were the fucking shit and you look at it now and you're like what is that
little rat on my screen that is disgusting or honestly like like I said like Facebook um the
old Facebook statuses that they come they come back and you're like what was I thinking why would I
say something like that it's the same exact thing with your mindset it's just that there's not physical
evidence to show us the progress that we've made it's that one day in the middle of some psychotic
break that you're having you are like oh my god wait but I used to maybe handle this so much
differently and you realize how far you've come and it just happens randomly like it'll just pop
up that you remember a way that you used to handle something and recognize how much differently
you're handling it now and you can see the progress that you've made and you can see that you are
actually making progress in your mindset it's just that because we're in this constant state of
you know trying to figure it out and when we do have our lows it feels like we've never really
left but you are in a constant state of improving yourself and it's just hard to see because there's
no physical evidence of it you might have to actively remind yourself to do the things that
you're not very good at or that you seem to do when you're heading towards a more toxic mindset
like for example as a people pleaser I do still obviously find myself caring what other people
think and I have to actively remind myself to not care to not put people's opinions so high on a
pedestal or put so much weight on people's opinions I always thought that I would just stop caring I
always thought that one day I would just not carry more that people could just say things and it would
fucking bounce off my chest and I'd be great and I would give a fuck what anybody said because I knew
that it didn't define me it didn't matter but that's not reality although I like I said you can look
back and I can see now that I'm much better at not internalizing what people think of as much
because I continue to practice it but I have to continue to practice it I have to continue to
remind myself in those hard moments to not care this makes me think of me trying to live my life
through my Pinterest inspiration board I have again this like ideal vision for my life and when
I'm feeling like I'm not there it irritates me and I again think that I'll reach this like aha
moment of wonderful magicalness of a lifestyle and it irritates me that that never really happens
and that my life doesn't look like a Pinterest inspiration board while I think that it's good
to have the inspiration I think it's good obviously to have things to try to manifest in your life
things to try to work towards having actual visuals of what you want your life to look like so that
you can actively work towards creating that for yourself you have to be careful to not be comparing
your life to the inspiration board because then your actual real life starts to look dingy compared
to pictures that were literally made to make life look wonderful if you can shift your perspective
to look at your real life through the lens of the Pinterest board that is what I have found has
really made a difference and let me explain that a little bit further so I was at Dairy Queen with
my boyfriend and we were just sitting in the parking lot of some dingy strip mall eating our
blizzards and I was we were having a conversation and so I turned in my seat I was in the passenger
seat I turned and put my back against the dashboard and like my feet were up on the back of the seat
so that we could look at each other and talk and I had this moment of like this is a cute little
Pinterest moment like this is is a cute little date or whatever it's just like switching my
perspective like that like actually sitting and actually turning around to face him kind of clicked
that in my mind and when I thought of it like that it made it feel more like a date it made it feel
more special than just like sitting here being like being angry that this is all we're doing
tonight we're just gonna eat ice cream and sitting in a dingy parking lot like that sucks why are we
so boring why are we not able to live like yeah if I fucking constantly focus on that and I constantly
think that of my life that's all I'm gonna see but if I actually put intention towards spending my
time there and honestly it's not even about like putting attention towards spending my time there
and putting attention towards being on a date with him like it's it's just like thinking about how
I'm thinking about it that's not weird like I'm thinking about how I'm picturing this moment and
if I can look at it through the lens of a Pinterest inspo board and see it that way it makes life so
much better for me like I can look for things in places that are prettier like I when I get flowers
from the store and I put them in the cart and I have my little purse next to it it just like it
looks cute it looks like a Pinterest inspo board or honestly just like doing things that are going
to align with what makes the Pinterest board your inspiration like I like to shop at Trader Joe's
instead of Walmart now I just like the environment of it in there I like the the colors in there like
it's just literally visually like I enjoy what I'm seeing compared to what I used to be seeing
and I'm making my life more in line with this beauty that I'm trying to embody in my life the
same thing goes like just what you you look like like looking nice when I leave the house instead
of leaving my house in giant clothes or my pajamas or no makeup on like actually putting in that little
bit of effort and making myself feel good and look good that all correlates with the life that
I one day would like to become my magical threshold dream life you just have to start acting like it
and it'll be a little bit more realistic for you compared to just sitting here and expecting that one
day you want it to happen which leads me into my next thing that I wish that I knew when I started
my wellness journey you have to take action on things it won't just fall into your lap
so much of the time I expected like I was just saying life to just fall into my lap like one day
I would have this wonderful life and even though I knew that you know I had to do something in order
to make that happen for myself I just I don't know I felt like it would just happen for me one day
and I wouldn't need to put the amount of effort into it that I really do and you know what else
I'm not referring to you know a giant career or having tons of money and like yes I am talking
about those things and you do have to take tiny steps every day to get to that too but I'm actually
just talking about like your day to day life making that look more in line with how you want to live
it like I was saying like going to Trader Joe's instead of Walmart and dressing nice and looking
nice every day like doing tiny things that are going to get you closer to the life that you
want to be living and you actually have to put an effort towards it like you actually have to take
action in order to make it happen when you might not really realize the things that you have to
take action on let me elaborate I was talking to my friend and she was like when does a person have
a routine like when do you start having a morning routine and getting ready in the morning I just
figured that would happen once I was an adult but I don't really do that and I was like I'd
literally just had to start doing it I wanted to do it like I wanted to make sure that I was better
about getting my day on the right track and so I started incorporating a morning routine one day
and some days I would fall off but then I would get back on it until eventually I created it as
an up of a habit that I cannot wake up without doing it or I cannot go to bed without doing that
routine and I think it's funny because that was totally my mindset what she had said was totally
the way that I used to think was that one day I would just become an adult and I would do those
things like I would become an adult and I would be organized or responsible or have a clean house or
have a lot of money or have a good wardrobe but you actually have to make those things happen like
you have to put intention behind when you get a paycheck like making sure that you're buying
some new clothes and getting rid of the ones that you don't like you have to continuously make sure
that your house is clean having cleaning dates or honestly every time you take something out put it
away that's one of my biggest fucking issues like I leave cabinet doors open I'm basically like a
frat boy like I literally like I'll leave cabinet doors open I leave lights on I leave cups everywhere
like I'm not the dirtiest but I also just leave shit out constantly like dishes I'll put them in
the sink is my dishwasher completely empty and ready for dirty dishes yes does my sink still get
piled yes why like I have to put effort into having a clean home and then I will have that in my life
and it's like this weird thing that I think because I was raised by a person that had a clean home I
think that I will too like I think that automatically that just happens and it doesn't like you have to
actually put the intention behind making these things happen there is a apartment underneath me
that has been the people are out of there and so they're redoing it and they left the door wide
open and so naturally we walked inside so to look around actually I'll be totally honest that terrified
me I'm very much a rule follower but my boyfriend isn't and so he was like no let's go in let's check
it out and I was like that seems like we shouldn't do that but he went in so I was like fucking I'm
following him so I went in there and it was fucking gross in there guys like gross not because
they were doing it like the walls were gross the floors were fucking gross the carpets were
fucking gross and people live like that you know like it was just such a wake-up call to
that my place is a lot nicer and I'm not saying anything bad like who knows what those people's
situation is it's just that you have to put intention behind making your house nice you
have to put intention behind like these things that are going to make your life better and
they're not these huge things they're simple things that you can do to create a more well life for
yourself a more healthy life for yourself you have to make that conscious effort for every
little thing like washing my face I want to you know I never washed my face ever I didn't take my
makeup off when I would get home for the night I literally would just like go lay in bed didn't do
those things like I have to make a conscious effort to make sure that I'm taking my makeup off to
make sure that I'm going and washing my face to make sure that I am taking action on the things
that are going to make my life easier make my life feel better and the thing with this is that
it's not going to feel great at first like it's going to be annoying and you know you're going
to have to it's almost like pushing yourself out of your comfort zone like you're going to have to
do things that don't feel right all the time like I don't want to do my dishes all the time but I
know that if I don't want my kitchen to look disgusting because the thing is too is once it
starts to get dirty it continues to get dirtier because I don't care you know how that happens
so if I just like put that little bit of an attention in then I always have a house that I
feel good about being inside instead of just having the house once every few days when I decide to do
a mass clean as annoying as that is at first the more you do it the more normal it becomes the more
more habitual it becomes like I was saying about washing my face like there are definitely times
even still like that okay so now I used to never wash it right and I would just go to bed and I
wouldn't give a fuck and that would happen when I first started washing it like it you know there
would be like a day maybe two days three days that I wouldn't wash it and then I'd be like shit I got
to get back on it and I got to try again now I've made it so that if I go to bed and I don't wash
my face at night I'm thinking about it like I'm actively I'm aware my face is dirty and I didn't
wash it and I make sure to get up and wash it the first thing in the morning but I do still have those
like falling outs but it's far and few between like most nights and mornings I am setting the
end I am just doing that automatically now because I've created that habit so the more that you
incorporate these things into your life the more regular it will become and the less out of your
comfort zone it's gonna feel like if anything it's gonna create uncomfortableness not doing it it takes
baby steps I always thought that I had to have it all figured out right in that moment that I had to
have all the action steps planned out and being taken as soon as the thought or the new idea to
improve my life popped into my head I had to have it all problem solved and I was gonna do it until
the end of time until I die and that's not realistic like that's not gonna happen you're gonna have days
that you don't do things it's just that you have to intentionally put effort into making them happen
so that it's consistent enough and shows up enough in your life that you're creating a habit and it
is in your life enough the third thing I wish I knew when I started my wellness journey is how
much taking care of myself physically plays a role into my mentality the first time this ever
registered for me was when I spent 75 days straight eating completely clean drinking a gallon of water
every day and working out twice a day one of those times being outside this consistent maximum
taking care of my physical self I was mind blown by how clear my mind was I have never experienced
clarity in my mind like I had during that time and it was like such a fucking obvious realization
because it was like no shit that if I give my body my brain the nutrients that it needs no
shit if I drink the water that my body needs since it's made up of like what's what is that
statistic it's made up of like 77% water your brain is made up of that much water and I'm not giving
it water ever like I'm just cruising around living my life peeing make twice a day with like
like brown ass peace or I made a tmi but that's the truth like I did not drink water at all I got my
water from eating like the food water that was in food like I have no idea how else I got it but I
did not drink water at all and I did already work out but you know taking the time to spend 45 minutes
outside like and get vitamin D that made a difference and there were days that I didn't work out or
there were days that I would fall off from exercise and like making the point to move my body every day
no matter what that looked like you know it didn't have to be lifting weights all the time and that
was another issue that I had for a while and that's a different topic but like getting stuck in one
specific way and thinking that I have to do everything one specific way but it doesn't have
to be like that like I could go for a walk I could do yoga I could just sit here and stretch in my
chair for five minutes just doing something to move your body and putting intention into doing
that made a huge difference in my mental the other day I was getting anxious this week I would
literally told you guys about that like this is probably like Monday like one of the first days
that I was really feeling anxiety and I was like well bitch you haven't drank water in a while like
so I know in my head that like that's the way that I have to operate now and it's irritating that I
don't still do that as much as I should but at least having the awareness and at least knowing
that I do have the tools in order to fix it and it's something as simple as taking care of myself
it's like a car like if you don't change the oil if you don't put gas in it if you let the things
explode I don't know how cars work but if you don't take care of it you let the gears get rusty
it's not going to operate at all or effectively your body works the same exact way you need to
put the nutrients into it that it needs in order for it to function properly and this isn't just
like me preaching be healthy and go exercise and eat right it's actually everything I was listening
to um she's this is a woman that talks about uh being classy her name is Anna Bay I really like
her I haven't listened to her in a while but she's really good but she talked about one of the things
that she said a classy lady does is showers before she goes to bed because it the thought of getting
into bed with somebody else without showering is disgusting now I don't necessarily agree with that
like if we lick each other's body parts like you can sleep next to me if I haven't showered I'm not
that dirty but my point is that when she said that I tried it right I tried showering at night
before I went to bed and you guys I was a dirty bitch all right I told you guys I would go to
bed without taking my makeup off I wouldn't wash my face yeah I like would go three four days
three days the forest pushing it without even body showering oh my god I can't believe I'm
fucking admitting this to you guys it's disgusting but I you know I only would brush my teeth in the
morning not at night I would brush my hair just when I woke up that was it I wouldn't do these
things to like physically take care of myself and then sit there and wonder why my mentality was so
fucked up and it wasn't even like I was doing that because I was severely depressed it was just
like that's the way that I operated and so once I started doing that thing that I would shower at
night I would brush my teeth in the shower and I remember just sitting there thinking like how good
I felt and like how nice it felt to to be clean and to have brushed my teeth and to carry that through
and now I don't I shower in the morning I'm a morning shower it's part of my morning routine but
taking these intentional steps like I started flossing like that's another thing that I used to
never ever do taking these intentional steps to physically take care of myself brushing my hair
before I go to bed taking vitamins you know just all of these things to actually take care of my
physical self has made such a difference in the way that I care for myself mentally and it goes
back to what I was talking about for point two about taking action like it does take intention
to start creating these habits and to start incorporating this into your life but to do
something so simple could make you feel so good like you don't realize how much of a difference
it can make in your mentality and you didn't even have to like go to therapy you didn't even have to
like do all of this inside soul searching and working with your inner child and shadow work and all
this shit it literally is just taking care of yourself physically can make such a fucking
difference mentally now it's not going to cure everything obviously but it will make you feel
so much better that it will be easier to focus on clarity in your mind it's so easy to get caught up
in your day and not put intention behind things like when I'm working I get way too caught up
and I forget to eat like actually for example I still haven't eaten today um because I just get
too stuck in the swing of things I get too quote unquote busy and have things that I prioritize
more getting done than actually eating but taking the time to get up and make myself something to
eat again takes intention but once I do it I feel good and I feel good at the end of the day that I
ate everything that I was supposed to that I you know made my body I what do I what do I would
that I nutritioned, neutralized, filled my body with the right nutrients throughout the day it
makes me feel like I accomplished something and it makes me feel good which again correlates to that
mentality is it's like it makes you you set a goal and you accomplish that goal and it makes you
feel good the fourth thing that I wish I knew when I started my wellness journey is that I might not
understand all of the things that I was learning I needed to be patient and I needed to trust the
process and I needed to have the ability to look at it from different angles I would listen to
self-improvement things or I would read self-improvement books and I would hear things and I would think
I understood them I did understand them on a literal like my brain works type of sense but I was
never able to continue to practice it long term I would think that I was gonna now incorporate
this into my life and I would try to practice it and practice it but it always would fade away
I was just like hearing it more surface level rather than having the patience to allow it to
actually register and click inside of my brain all of those cliche quotes and not even cliche but
like the books that I would read I was taking it so literally and while you're supposed to do that I
suppose I just like didn't pick and choose things from what I was learning that would actually
apply to me and fit into my life and I didn't realize that I might remember things from what I've
learned once it did fit into my life like there's been so many situations that I've heard things
over like I've heard something over and over again and I would think that I understood it
because it would be simple and then one day something would happen and I would be like oh
wow that's what that means and then I wasn't needing to put this crazy effort into practicing it
into my day-to-day life or to eventually fade out it's just that I would fully deeply truly
understand what it was saying suddenly eventually and it just would fit into my life like for example
my whole life my whole life I would be told mostly probably about my mom but would be told to slow
down slow down you think way too fast you're doing things way too fast you're going to screw up and
that's when I make my the most of my mistakes is because I'm moving too quickly I'm thinking too
quickly I'm speaking too quickly I'm taking action on things too quickly I kind of live my life like
that since my brain is so chaotic that I think I have to do everything right now like I think that
I get like too hyper like for example when I bought my car I found the first car that I thought was
good enough and I bought it and like looking back that probably wasn't the best choice and I my I love
my little Henry car but I probably could have kept looking and found a better option but because I
found something that worked enough I was excited about it and I jumped on it as quickly as I could
and I don't take the time to like think things through all of the way so from literally moving
too quickly like with my words and my actions to just like the way that I think and I operate being
told to slow down has always been a reoccurring theme and because that's such a literal thing because
I was like slow down for sure I got that no worries but would continue to not slow down
and then one day I was driving and I was always like a really aggressive driver like I would get
like road rage and I would like swerve and I would speed and I would do all these things
because again everything I'm doing is so quick so I heard something that again is such a literal
thing that clicked with me and then allowed me to click with the slow down I heard you don't have to
prove yourself to anybody and while I'm driving like a f***ing maniac I was like
why am I trying to prove that I'm a good driver to the other drivers on the road like nobody is
looking at you nobody cares what you're doing like I'm I wasn't even trying to prove it to the other
people in my car because I would be alone in my car and I would still be like driving like that
like trying to be like fast and furious like trying to prove that like I was like I don't even know
like a spaz is that what I'm trying to prove I have no f***ing idea but it started clicking
like slowly as I'm sitting there I was just like oh my god like everything in my life I was like I
don't have to prove myself to people like I'm trying to do everything so quickly because I'm trying to
prove that I can get things done or prove that I'm good enough or prove whatever and so I think
that the faster I make that happen the quicker I'll be able to prove myself so I had to allow
myself to have that realization in order to have my slow down realization and now even though I still
will find myself doing things quickly I have the awareness and I'm able to say slow down and I know
what that means and I can internalize it so much better and incorporate it into my life with ease
instead of trying to force myself to understand something that I truly really don't another
one that really clicked for me was a speech given by Matthew McConaughey he said to give yourself
permission to not be perfect and that clicked with me as a perfectionist because when I hear
don't be a perfectionist don't be a perfectionist don't be a perfectionist like you don't have to do
everything perfect every single time it's like okay I get that I get it you know it's like you get it
literally but I needed those words to allow it to actually click for me to allow it to actually be
like oh my god give myself permission to not be perfect that it's okay to not be perfect and again
it sounds so simple and it's not like there's any rhyme or reason why those specific words clicked
for me it's just that eventually though that I heard it eventually I was like oh uh okay I have to
I have to just allow myself to not be perfect it's not just don't be if that makes any sense
things will click over time there's so much shit that you don't realize that actually sticks in your
subconscious like if you're making a consistent effort to improve yourself which I'm sure that you
are if you're here listening to Wallish then you will remember things that you have heard or read
over time it could just be a random fucking quote that you saw on Instagram where it could be an
entire book that you read even if you can't apply it at that specific moment you're gonna you you'll
be surprised by how much actually sticks in your brain and you might not even realize what it's from
or why you remember it but one day something will happen to you that you'll be able to now apply that
teaching into your life and you're gonna be like oh oh wow that's what that means I totally get that
now or even if you go back and you see the same shit or you read the same shit it might click more
with you because you've experienced new things and gained new knowledge that you can now look at it
from a different perspective and it is now applicable to your life and even if maybe it could have been
before now you understand how to apply it to those specific situations that you didn't know how to
apply it to before it's just as you continue to gain this knowledge and you continue to improve
yourself things will start to fall into place and you have to allow yourself the time to make that
happen you have to be patient with yourself and trust the process trust that you will understand
the things that are most important for you and the things that were in the book or whatever you
read that don't apply to you won't and you won't remember those things it's kind of like a fate
thing you just have to believe that the things that are going to stick with you are going to be for
a reason and the things that didn't weren't meant for you they didn't apply to your life not every
single thing in a book or every single thing in a speech or every single quote that you read is going
to be for you it's going to relate to you in your life but the things that are trusting that they'll
stick with you and one day you'll get it and it'll make sense and you'll be able to apply it to your
life the fifth and last thing that I wish I knew when I started my wellness journey is that pounding
straight up wellness into my head would actually have a negative effect I would read all of the
books and listen to all of the things in an attempt to make my life better to improve myself to make
me feel good to reach that magical threshold moment to become this well-rounded full potential
great version of myself but I would find that as I was doing those things it actually made me nitpick
myself even more and find things that were wrong with me even more and not feel good enough even
more and I would get this like feeling of being trapped because I would still be experiencing
the mental health issues or I would still be experiencing like whatever issues I was having
at that moment and feel like I was talking about at the beginning of this like I know how to fix
this I know how to fix it why can't I fix it I know I have the tools I've just read about this I
heard something about this but here I am like an idiot not able to freaking do anything for myself
and then it turns into that spiral and it's just like being way too hard on myself being way extreme
and trying to figure everything out because this is the only thing that I'm focusing on it's like
the only books that I'm reading the only things that I'm listening to and so while it's cool to
have that stuff in my life as much as it is so that I am aware of as much as I can be and I can
improve myself with that being the main intention of my life when it's the main intention and I am
struggling it creates these negative effects more than good ones I didn't have the mental strength
that I needed in order to make the changes I was wanting to make or the knowledge of the steps
that I needed to take in order to change my life and I would just drive myself insane because I
felt like I knew what to do but I didn't have the confidence to set boundaries I didn't have the
strength or I wasn't ready to let go of things in my life or people in my life that I knew
weren't meant for me or that didn't benefit me or simply I just didn't have the emotional
intelligence to carry out what I was actually learning and this wasn't something that I could
see when I was in those situations like this is definitely a self-reflection this is me being able
to look back on my irritation and recognize that I didn't have those qualities that I thought maybe
I did just because I read the book like I thought just because I read the book or listened to the
thing that that meant that now I'm emotionally intelligent now I'm confident setting boundaries
now I'm completely ready to kick people out of my life that aren't doing the right thing for me that
are dragging me down but that wasn't true just because I read it didn't mean that I was ready to
make those steps consciously or subconsciously and I I couldn't see that I didn't understand that I
thought that I was there and so I would get so upset with myself because I couldn't actually
take the action instead of recognizing that I couldn't take the action because I wasn't actually
there and I wasn't taking enough baby steps in order to get me to that point I was just trying to
take these major leaps and thinking that I was completely healed being in this constant state
of hearing what you should be doing just would make my head spin it's like well we talked about a
few episodes ago about shitting all over yourself like that you're thinking in these shoulds I should
be doing this I should be doing this I should be doing this but you don't have the mental capacity
to do that yet it blows it makes you feel like you're not good enough and then you start to beat
yourself up even more because you have the knowledge but not the skills to make it happen I honestly
think that that's what happened that made me create that habit of having a constant battle in my head
because I still do have that bad habit that I will like fight myself with specific things that come
up I will think that you know I'll go back and forth with the different options and the option
that I actually did the decision I actually made is never the correct one and then I again get into
that feeling of that I'm not good enough or I'm not trying hard enough or I haven't reached the
fullest version of myself and I need to keep reading or keep listening to things and making it even
worse compared to maybe dialing it back a little bit just a cute little wellish plug like that's why
I love my podcast because it's not just straight up wellness it's not just pounding wellness into
your head it's aimed to be more realistic and to have real life emotions that you experience when
you're trying to become your most well self because it's not going to be a 100% thing the truth is
is it's not that serious it's not this intense thing that you're just going to read a book and
suddenly you're going to be 100% well you just have to you know you can read the books and listen
to the things and take pieces out of them to better yourself but you just have to live your
fucking life and trust that you will be able to interpret things as needed and then you'll be able
to handle stuff as needed building on your own self-trust and that you can handle yourself and you
can continue to improve yourself without completely causing yourself overwhelming anxiety from it you
have to recognize when you start to feel yourself going in a more negative direction than a positive
direction and make a change because you can't keep doing the same thing you can't keep reading the
self-help books but it can be hard to see that because they're there to help you and improve you
and when you're not doing that you almost get addicted to them because you almost think like
well I just need to read more and that's not how it might be working for you you know it might
actually be hurting you I really liked when I was reading 10 pages a day out of a self-development
book because it allowed me or or just listening to like one clip of a motivational speech something
like that in the morning because it would allow me to apply what I learned to the rest of my day
that I would be able to like take that small snippet and take a baby step in the sense of
applying what I heard about that day into today or if you're doing it at night like let's say you
would rather read or listen or something at night before you go to bed using that to reflect on your
day and think about how you could have handled things better because then you're actually
really making it applicable instead of trying to like force an entire book into your brain and then
regurgitate it into your life after that happened and then to be pissed when you're not able to
practice at 100% until the day you die. The thing about self-improvement too is it's everybody
telling their own learnings and knowledge and what they have experienced and what works for one person
might not work for you and every single thing that you read or listen to isn't necessarily going to
apply to you in your life and that's okay you just have to take pieces from what people say and
pieces from different people and not listen to some people and get to know yourself enough over time
to recognize what can be applicable to you in your life and what isn't. One time I heard somebody
saying in regards to wanting to help people that if you help just one person even if that's yourself
you made a difference and you know what I feel so much less anxious so I hope to God that there's
another person out there that this was able to resonate with but to be straight up not to be
selfish but that just helped me you know I feel like I have to remember that I need to take it
a day at a time I have to remember that I'm not going to be perfect that I'm not going to never
feel things again never care about people's opinion again never ruminate again it's just kind of the
way my brain works and hopefully I can continue to minimize it over time but it's still a part of my
life and I am so proud of how far I was able to come in recognizing these five things and making
it so that I do feel so much better and I'm able to recognize these things now and I'm able to
as shitty things are happening realize that it's just based on people's perceptions and
it has nothing to do with me and all of that good stuff but I hope that as you guys are
continuing on your wellness journey aren't as hard on yourselves as I am I hope that you
are able to take a step back and give yourself some grace and see that you are making progress
even if it is minor realizing that your handling situation is better today that you might have
yesterday and that's so fucking cool and that's so important next week is going to be Michelle's
interview you guys gave me some good questions to ask her if you've got any more I would absolutely
love to hear them I'm super excited to talk to her and then I do have some more interviews
coming up in the next few weeks so I'm going to be missing you I'm not going to lie we're not going
to have the one-on-one time that we've been having recently but there's super good information
coming for you so keep your eyes and ears peeled for that you can follow me at underscore Sarah Ritt
you can follow wellish at wellish podcast both of those are on instagram and then on tic tac
you can follow me at sarah rittendale other than that issues I will talk to you next week bye guys