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Welcome back! This is your kind of well, kind of toxic host Sarah Rittendale bringing you

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another episode of Well-ish.

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Hi guys! I had a little bit more of an anxious week this week so if you're seeing me and

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it looks like I have no eyelashes that's because I picked them all off. Not literally

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but they're all broken. So did you guys hear that thunder? Two weeks in a row we've got thunder

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for the fucking show. What is that about? Is that a sign? Oh my god see look at that anxiety!

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What's wrong with me? Okay so relax. What I want to talk to you guys about today kind of

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correlates with my anxiety filled week and I didn't necessarily realize that until last night

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when it was at its all-time high and I was like oh my god I have to record this podcast in the

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morning you know I'm gonna talk to you guys about wellness and I've been having like anxiety

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mad as fuck all week. I realize now though how much my brain was trying to calm me down through

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trying to put together this show for you guys so it's kind of funny how it always seems to correlate.

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What I'm going to tell you guys today, talk to you guys about today, is not just surrounding

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anxiety it can be... Oh my god did you hear what is with this? Why is there so much thunder?

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I'm terrified. Okay anyways the first thing I want to say before we really get into this is that

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when I get in these anxiety spells I get really pissed off because I feel I've made so much progress

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to overcome my anxiety and to mitigate it as much as possible and when I have these weeks or days or

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hour that I'm freaking out I get upset because I feel like I should know how to manage it better

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and it shouldn't be happening and I don't want it to happen anymore and you know what am I

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still doing wrong in order to allow this to still happen in my life or especially like if I start

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to actually spiral or if I start to really ruminate on things I get like angry at myself because

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I'm like I know how to fix this or I know that I shouldn't be doing this and I will say like I

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said last night I was having a hard time in a ruminating spiral and I was not able to sleep

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because of it and I will say that I feel like I did do a good job of you know catching myself and

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being aware of my rumination and I think that that is a really big factor in moving out of the

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anxiety that's something I was never able to do before so being able to recognize that progress

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and I was able to say to myself you know I have to allow myself to let this go I give myself

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permission to let this go so I can fall asleep my life has not changed at all since the rumination

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began nothing is actually different it's just that you're thinking about something different now

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and being able to kind of put my focus there and I actually was able to fall asleep once I

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decided to tell myself that I had permission to let it go so I will get so upset with myself but

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being able to return to the progress that I have made has really allowed me to move forward and this

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episode isn't just relative to anxiety it can be relative to any you know wellness progression

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that you're trying to make in your life so today we are going to talk about the five things that I

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wish I knew when I started my wellness journey the very first thing that I wish to God I knew when

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I started my wellness journey was that there was never going to be a magical finish line I was so

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fixated on that I was so convinced that one day I would never have these problems ever again that

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one day I would just never be upset about anything that I would just live in complete bliss I actually

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like I genuinely thought that like that sounds insane but it sounds insane because I'm saying it

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out loud but that's really what I thought in my head like I had this picture of me like living in

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some little cottage in a meadow by a mountain with water running somewhere and birds and it's

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everything's wonderful and peaceful and happy like I genuinely had that image in my brain that one day

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I was just gonna live a life that was gonna be perfect and I was never gonna have any issues

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ever again and you know what's funny about that is when the pandemic happened I remember being

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that being one of my major things that I was upset about mentally was not having anything to stress

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about like I didn't have anything to worry about or care about and that made me feel like I had

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nothing in my life and not that I'm saying that I want things to be stressed about or I want things

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to be upset about but it was that there was nothingness happening and that's kind of my that was

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my perception of what peace was was having nothing at all and that's not a life and it kind of goes

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back to that corny saying of you can't have the good without the bad but to think that one day

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I was gonna cross this magical threshold and all would be well is asinine it's always going to be

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a work in progress it's a combination of the good days and the bad days that make up a good life

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and again corny but like it is it's an accumulation of days over time that you could potentially

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look back on and realize that there's hopefully more good days than bad days as you continue to

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progress it's not going to be 100% good it will still have the bad days you know sprinkled in

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there but when you can look back and recognize that most of the days you did well you overall will

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be able to feel good there won't be an aha moment of greatness that you realize like I did it I'm

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here I made it I've crossed the finish line there's going to be things that are aha like little

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moments like you might hear something or something might click and you're gonna be like oh my god

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like that's how to fix it or like there's just these like tiny things that accumulate over time

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but it's not one massive aha moment and you can take those tiny aha moments that accumulate over

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time and continue to apply it to your knowledge and to your experience but drop the expectation

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that one day you'll be a 100% healed and I've talked about this to you guys before but being 100%

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healed is never going to be a thing because things are going to keep popping up into your life that

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you're going to have to heal from whether it's things that hit wounds that you already have like

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if you have trust issues or rejection issues neglect issues you know whatever whatever your

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problem is you know those things are likely to get touched throughout your life or new things are

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bound to happen because that's just how life works bad things happen and you have to be willing to

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accept that that's just the way that life is and if you think that you're 100% healed you're going

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to be let down you're going to be disappointed every single time that should happens because

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you're going to feel like you have to start all over again and you don't have to start all over

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again it's just that you can use the knowledge that you already know and take that new thing in

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and work through that and it's going to suck but you'll be better at it each time that stuff happens

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because you're going to have more knowledge and more experience and more acceptance within you

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you know when you make the horrible mistake of like going way way way way back in your

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Instagram or on your Facebook or you get those like memories from Snapchat or from Facebook and

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you're just like oh my god like and and they're when you were younger like you know high school

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or college and you thought at that time that you were hot shit like you know wholeheartedly that

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when you took that picture or when you were with your friends or just even at that time in your

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life you thought that you were the fucking shit and you look at it now and you're like what is that

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little rat on my screen that is disgusting or honestly like like I said like Facebook um the

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old Facebook statuses that they come they come back and you're like what was I thinking why would I

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say something like that it's the same exact thing with your mindset it's just that there's not physical

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evidence to show us the progress that we've made it's that one day in the middle of some psychotic

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break that you're having you are like oh my god wait but I used to maybe handle this so much

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differently and you realize how far you've come and it just happens randomly like it'll just pop

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up that you remember a way that you used to handle something and recognize how much differently

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you're handling it now and you can see the progress that you've made and you can see that you are

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actually making progress in your mindset it's just that because we're in this constant state of

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you know trying to figure it out and when we do have our lows it feels like we've never really

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left but you are in a constant state of improving yourself and it's just hard to see because there's

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no physical evidence of it you might have to actively remind yourself to do the things that

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you're not very good at or that you seem to do when you're heading towards a more toxic mindset

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like for example as a people pleaser I do still obviously find myself caring what other people

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think and I have to actively remind myself to not care to not put people's opinions so high on a

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pedestal or put so much weight on people's opinions I always thought that I would just stop caring I

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always thought that one day I would just not carry more that people could just say things and it would

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fucking bounce off my chest and I'd be great and I would give a fuck what anybody said because I knew

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that it didn't define me it didn't matter but that's not reality although I like I said you can look

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back and I can see now that I'm much better at not internalizing what people think of as much

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because I continue to practice it but I have to continue to practice it I have to continue to

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remind myself in those hard moments to not care this makes me think of me trying to live my life

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through my Pinterest inspiration board I have again this like ideal vision for my life and when

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I'm feeling like I'm not there it irritates me and I again think that I'll reach this like aha

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moment of wonderful magicalness of a lifestyle and it irritates me that that never really happens

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and that my life doesn't look like a Pinterest inspiration board while I think that it's good

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to have the inspiration I think it's good obviously to have things to try to manifest in your life

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things to try to work towards having actual visuals of what you want your life to look like so that

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you can actively work towards creating that for yourself you have to be careful to not be comparing

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your life to the inspiration board because then your actual real life starts to look dingy compared

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to pictures that were literally made to make life look wonderful if you can shift your perspective

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to look at your real life through the lens of the Pinterest board that is what I have found has

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really made a difference and let me explain that a little bit further so I was at Dairy Queen with

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my boyfriend and we were just sitting in the parking lot of some dingy strip mall eating our

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blizzards and I was we were having a conversation and so I turned in my seat I was in the passenger

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seat I turned and put my back against the dashboard and like my feet were up on the back of the seat

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so that we could look at each other and talk and I had this moment of like this is a cute little

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Pinterest moment like this is is a cute little date or whatever it's just like switching my

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perspective like that like actually sitting and actually turning around to face him kind of clicked

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that in my mind and when I thought of it like that it made it feel more like a date it made it feel

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more special than just like sitting here being like being angry that this is all we're doing

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tonight we're just gonna eat ice cream and sitting in a dingy parking lot like that sucks why are we

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so boring why are we not able to live like yeah if I fucking constantly focus on that and I constantly

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think that of my life that's all I'm gonna see but if I actually put intention towards spending my

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time there and honestly it's not even about like putting attention towards spending my time there

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and putting attention towards being on a date with him like it's it's just like thinking about how

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I'm thinking about it that's not weird like I'm thinking about how I'm picturing this moment and

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if I can look at it through the lens of a Pinterest inspo board and see it that way it makes life so

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much better for me like I can look for things in places that are prettier like I when I get flowers

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from the store and I put them in the cart and I have my little purse next to it it just like it

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looks cute it looks like a Pinterest inspo board or honestly just like doing things that are going

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to align with what makes the Pinterest board your inspiration like I like to shop at Trader Joe's

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instead of Walmart now I just like the environment of it in there I like the the colors in there like

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it's just literally visually like I enjoy what I'm seeing compared to what I used to be seeing

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and I'm making my life more in line with this beauty that I'm trying to embody in my life the

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same thing goes like just what you you look like like looking nice when I leave the house instead

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of leaving my house in giant clothes or my pajamas or no makeup on like actually putting in that little

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bit of effort and making myself feel good and look good that all correlates with the life that

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I one day would like to become my magical threshold dream life you just have to start acting like it

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and it'll be a little bit more realistic for you compared to just sitting here and expecting that one

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day you want it to happen which leads me into my next thing that I wish that I knew when I started

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my wellness journey you have to take action on things it won't just fall into your lap

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so much of the time I expected like I was just saying life to just fall into my lap like one day

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I would have this wonderful life and even though I knew that you know I had to do something in order

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to make that happen for myself I just I don't know I felt like it would just happen for me one day

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and I wouldn't need to put the amount of effort into it that I really do and you know what else

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I'm not referring to you know a giant career or having tons of money and like yes I am talking

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about those things and you do have to take tiny steps every day to get to that too but I'm actually

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just talking about like your day to day life making that look more in line with how you want to live

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it like I was saying like going to Trader Joe's instead of Walmart and dressing nice and looking

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nice every day like doing tiny things that are going to get you closer to the life that you

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want to be living and you actually have to put an effort towards it like you actually have to take

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action in order to make it happen when you might not really realize the things that you have to

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take action on let me elaborate I was talking to my friend and she was like when does a person have

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a routine like when do you start having a morning routine and getting ready in the morning I just

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figured that would happen once I was an adult but I don't really do that and I was like I'd

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literally just had to start doing it I wanted to do it like I wanted to make sure that I was better

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about getting my day on the right track and so I started incorporating a morning routine one day

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and some days I would fall off but then I would get back on it until eventually I created it as

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an up of a habit that I cannot wake up without doing it or I cannot go to bed without doing that

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routine and I think it's funny because that was totally my mindset what she had said was totally

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the way that I used to think was that one day I would just become an adult and I would do those

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things like I would become an adult and I would be organized or responsible or have a clean house or

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have a lot of money or have a good wardrobe but you actually have to make those things happen like

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you have to put intention behind when you get a paycheck like making sure that you're buying

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some new clothes and getting rid of the ones that you don't like you have to continuously make sure

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that your house is clean having cleaning dates or honestly every time you take something out put it

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away that's one of my biggest fucking issues like I leave cabinet doors open I'm basically like a

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frat boy like I literally like I'll leave cabinet doors open I leave lights on I leave cups everywhere

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like I'm not the dirtiest but I also just leave shit out constantly like dishes I'll put them in

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the sink is my dishwasher completely empty and ready for dirty dishes yes does my sink still get

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piled yes why like I have to put effort into having a clean home and then I will have that in my life

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and it's like this weird thing that I think because I was raised by a person that had a clean home I

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think that I will too like I think that automatically that just happens and it doesn't like you have to

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actually put the intention behind making these things happen there is a apartment underneath me

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that has been the people are out of there and so they're redoing it and they left the door wide

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open and so naturally we walked inside so to look around actually I'll be totally honest that terrified

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me I'm very much a rule follower but my boyfriend isn't and so he was like no let's go in let's check

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it out and I was like that seems like we shouldn't do that but he went in so I was like fucking I'm

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following him so I went in there and it was fucking gross in there guys like gross not because

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they were doing it like the walls were gross the floors were fucking gross the carpets were

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fucking gross and people live like that you know like it was just such a wake-up call to

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that my place is a lot nicer and I'm not saying anything bad like who knows what those people's

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situation is it's just that you have to put intention behind making your house nice you

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have to put intention behind like these things that are going to make your life better and

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they're not these huge things they're simple things that you can do to create a more well life for

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yourself a more healthy life for yourself you have to make that conscious effort for every

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little thing like washing my face I want to you know I never washed my face ever I didn't take my

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makeup off when I would get home for the night I literally would just like go lay in bed didn't do

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those things like I have to make a conscious effort to make sure that I'm taking my makeup off to

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make sure that I'm going and washing my face to make sure that I am taking action on the things

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that are going to make my life easier make my life feel better and the thing with this is that

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it's not going to feel great at first like it's going to be annoying and you know you're going

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to have to it's almost like pushing yourself out of your comfort zone like you're going to have to

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do things that don't feel right all the time like I don't want to do my dishes all the time but I

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know that if I don't want my kitchen to look disgusting because the thing is too is once it

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starts to get dirty it continues to get dirtier because I don't care you know how that happens

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so if I just like put that little bit of an attention in then I always have a house that I

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feel good about being inside instead of just having the house once every few days when I decide to do

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a mass clean as annoying as that is at first the more you do it the more normal it becomes the more

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more habitual it becomes like I was saying about washing my face like there are definitely times

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even still like that okay so now I used to never wash it right and I would just go to bed and I

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wouldn't give a fuck and that would happen when I first started washing it like it you know there

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would be like a day maybe two days three days that I wouldn't wash it and then I'd be like shit I got

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to get back on it and I got to try again now I've made it so that if I go to bed and I don't wash

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my face at night I'm thinking about it like I'm actively I'm aware my face is dirty and I didn't

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wash it and I make sure to get up and wash it the first thing in the morning but I do still have those

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like falling outs but it's far and few between like most nights and mornings I am setting the

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end I am just doing that automatically now because I've created that habit so the more that you

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incorporate these things into your life the more regular it will become and the less out of your

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comfort zone it's gonna feel like if anything it's gonna create uncomfortableness not doing it it takes

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baby steps I always thought that I had to have it all figured out right in that moment that I had to

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have all the action steps planned out and being taken as soon as the thought or the new idea to

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improve my life popped into my head I had to have it all problem solved and I was gonna do it until

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the end of time until I die and that's not realistic like that's not gonna happen you're gonna have days

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that you don't do things it's just that you have to intentionally put effort into making them happen

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so that it's consistent enough and shows up enough in your life that you're creating a habit and it

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is in your life enough the third thing I wish I knew when I started my wellness journey is how

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much taking care of myself physically plays a role into my mentality the first time this ever

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registered for me was when I spent 75 days straight eating completely clean drinking a gallon of water

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every day and working out twice a day one of those times being outside this consistent maximum

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taking care of my physical self I was mind blown by how clear my mind was I have never experienced

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clarity in my mind like I had during that time and it was like such a fucking obvious realization

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because it was like no shit that if I give my body my brain the nutrients that it needs no

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shit if I drink the water that my body needs since it's made up of like what's what is that

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statistic it's made up of like 77% water your brain is made up of that much water and I'm not giving

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it water ever like I'm just cruising around living my life peeing make twice a day with like

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like brown ass peace or I made a tmi but that's the truth like I did not drink water at all I got my

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water from eating like the food water that was in food like I have no idea how else I got it but I

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did not drink water at all and I did already work out but you know taking the time to spend 45 minutes

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outside like and get vitamin D that made a difference and there were days that I didn't work out or

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there were days that I would fall off from exercise and like making the point to move my body every day

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no matter what that looked like you know it didn't have to be lifting weights all the time and that

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was another issue that I had for a while and that's a different topic but like getting stuck in one

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specific way and thinking that I have to do everything one specific way but it doesn't have

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to be like that like I could go for a walk I could do yoga I could just sit here and stretch in my

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chair for five minutes just doing something to move your body and putting intention into doing

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that made a huge difference in my mental the other day I was getting anxious this week I would

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literally told you guys about that like this is probably like Monday like one of the first days

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that I was really feeling anxiety and I was like well bitch you haven't drank water in a while like

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so I know in my head that like that's the way that I have to operate now and it's irritating that I

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don't still do that as much as I should but at least having the awareness and at least knowing

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that I do have the tools in order to fix it and it's something as simple as taking care of myself

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it's like a car like if you don't change the oil if you don't put gas in it if you let the things

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explode I don't know how cars work but if you don't take care of it you let the gears get rusty

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it's not going to operate at all or effectively your body works the same exact way you need to

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put the nutrients into it that it needs in order for it to function properly and this isn't just

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like me preaching be healthy and go exercise and eat right it's actually everything I was listening

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to um she's this is a woman that talks about uh being classy her name is Anna Bay I really like

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her I haven't listened to her in a while but she's really good but she talked about one of the things

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that she said a classy lady does is showers before she goes to bed because it the thought of getting

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into bed with somebody else without showering is disgusting now I don't necessarily agree with that

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like if we lick each other's body parts like you can sleep next to me if I haven't showered I'm not

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that dirty but my point is that when she said that I tried it right I tried showering at night

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before I went to bed and you guys I was a dirty bitch all right I told you guys I would go to

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bed without taking my makeup off I wouldn't wash my face yeah I like would go three four days

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three days the forest pushing it without even body showering oh my god I can't believe I'm

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fucking admitting this to you guys it's disgusting but I you know I only would brush my teeth in the

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morning not at night I would brush my hair just when I woke up that was it I wouldn't do these

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things to like physically take care of myself and then sit there and wonder why my mentality was so

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fucked up and it wasn't even like I was doing that because I was severely depressed it was just

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like that's the way that I operated and so once I started doing that thing that I would shower at

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night I would brush my teeth in the shower and I remember just sitting there thinking like how good

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I felt and like how nice it felt to to be clean and to have brushed my teeth and to carry that through

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and now I don't I shower in the morning I'm a morning shower it's part of my morning routine but

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taking these intentional steps like I started flossing like that's another thing that I used to

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never ever do taking these intentional steps to physically take care of myself brushing my hair

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before I go to bed taking vitamins you know just all of these things to actually take care of my

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physical self has made such a difference in the way that I care for myself mentally and it goes

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back to what I was talking about for point two about taking action like it does take intention

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to start creating these habits and to start incorporating this into your life but to do

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something so simple could make you feel so good like you don't realize how much of a difference

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it can make in your mentality and you didn't even have to like go to therapy you didn't even have to

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like do all of this inside soul searching and working with your inner child and shadow work and all

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this shit it literally is just taking care of yourself physically can make such a fucking

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difference mentally now it's not going to cure everything obviously but it will make you feel

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so much better that it will be easier to focus on clarity in your mind it's so easy to get caught up

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in your day and not put intention behind things like when I'm working I get way too caught up

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and I forget to eat like actually for example I still haven't eaten today um because I just get

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too stuck in the swing of things I get too quote unquote busy and have things that I prioritize

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more getting done than actually eating but taking the time to get up and make myself something to

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eat again takes intention but once I do it I feel good and I feel good at the end of the day that I

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ate everything that I was supposed to that I you know made my body I what do I what do I would

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that I nutritioned, neutralized, filled my body with the right nutrients throughout the day it

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makes me feel like I accomplished something and it makes me feel good which again correlates to that

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mentality is it's like it makes you you set a goal and you accomplish that goal and it makes you

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feel good the fourth thing that I wish I knew when I started my wellness journey is that I might not

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understand all of the things that I was learning I needed to be patient and I needed to trust the

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process and I needed to have the ability to look at it from different angles I would listen to

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self-improvement things or I would read self-improvement books and I would hear things and I would think

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I understood them I did understand them on a literal like my brain works type of sense but I was

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never able to continue to practice it long term I would think that I was gonna now incorporate

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this into my life and I would try to practice it and practice it but it always would fade away

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I was just like hearing it more surface level rather than having the patience to allow it to

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actually register and click inside of my brain all of those cliche quotes and not even cliche but

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like the books that I would read I was taking it so literally and while you're supposed to do that I

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suppose I just like didn't pick and choose things from what I was learning that would actually

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apply to me and fit into my life and I didn't realize that I might remember things from what I've

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learned once it did fit into my life like there's been so many situations that I've heard things

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over like I've heard something over and over again and I would think that I understood it

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because it would be simple and then one day something would happen and I would be like oh

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wow that's what that means and then I wasn't needing to put this crazy effort into practicing it

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into my day-to-day life or to eventually fade out it's just that I would fully deeply truly

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understand what it was saying suddenly eventually and it just would fit into my life like for example

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my whole life my whole life I would be told mostly probably about my mom but would be told to slow

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down slow down you think way too fast you're doing things way too fast you're going to screw up and

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that's when I make my the most of my mistakes is because I'm moving too quickly I'm thinking too

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quickly I'm speaking too quickly I'm taking action on things too quickly I kind of live my life like

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that since my brain is so chaotic that I think I have to do everything right now like I think that

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I get like too hyper like for example when I bought my car I found the first car that I thought was

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good enough and I bought it and like looking back that probably wasn't the best choice and I my I love

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my little Henry car but I probably could have kept looking and found a better option but because I

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found something that worked enough I was excited about it and I jumped on it as quickly as I could

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and I don't take the time to like think things through all of the way so from literally moving

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too quickly like with my words and my actions to just like the way that I think and I operate being

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told to slow down has always been a reoccurring theme and because that's such a literal thing because

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I was like slow down for sure I got that no worries but would continue to not slow down

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and then one day I was driving and I was always like a really aggressive driver like I would get

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like road rage and I would like swerve and I would speed and I would do all these things

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because again everything I'm doing is so quick so I heard something that again is such a literal

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thing that clicked with me and then allowed me to click with the slow down I heard you don't have to

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prove yourself to anybody and while I'm driving like a f***ing maniac I was like

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why am I trying to prove that I'm a good driver to the other drivers on the road like nobody is

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looking at you nobody cares what you're doing like I'm I wasn't even trying to prove it to the other

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people in my car because I would be alone in my car and I would still be like driving like that

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like trying to be like fast and furious like trying to prove that like I was like I don't even know

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like a spaz is that what I'm trying to prove I have no f***ing idea but it started clicking

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like slowly as I'm sitting there I was just like oh my god like everything in my life I was like I

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don't have to prove myself to people like I'm trying to do everything so quickly because I'm trying to

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prove that I can get things done or prove that I'm good enough or prove whatever and so I think

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that the faster I make that happen the quicker I'll be able to prove myself so I had to allow

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myself to have that realization in order to have my slow down realization and now even though I still

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will find myself doing things quickly I have the awareness and I'm able to say slow down and I know

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what that means and I can internalize it so much better and incorporate it into my life with ease

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instead of trying to force myself to understand something that I truly really don't another

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one that really clicked for me was a speech given by Matthew McConaughey he said to give yourself

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permission to not be perfect and that clicked with me as a perfectionist because when I hear

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don't be a perfectionist don't be a perfectionist don't be a perfectionist like you don't have to do

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everything perfect every single time it's like okay I get that I get it you know it's like you get it

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literally but I needed those words to allow it to actually click for me to allow it to actually be

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like oh my god give myself permission to not be perfect that it's okay to not be perfect and again

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it sounds so simple and it's not like there's any rhyme or reason why those specific words clicked

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for me it's just that eventually though that I heard it eventually I was like oh uh okay I have to

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I have to just allow myself to not be perfect it's not just don't be if that makes any sense

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things will click over time there's so much shit that you don't realize that actually sticks in your

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subconscious like if you're making a consistent effort to improve yourself which I'm sure that you

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are if you're here listening to Wallish then you will remember things that you have heard or read

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over time it could just be a random fucking quote that you saw on Instagram where it could be an

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entire book that you read even if you can't apply it at that specific moment you're gonna you you'll

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be surprised by how much actually sticks in your brain and you might not even realize what it's from

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or why you remember it but one day something will happen to you that you'll be able to now apply that

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teaching into your life and you're gonna be like oh oh wow that's what that means I totally get that

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now or even if you go back and you see the same shit or you read the same shit it might click more

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with you because you've experienced new things and gained new knowledge that you can now look at it

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from a different perspective and it is now applicable to your life and even if maybe it could have been

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before now you understand how to apply it to those specific situations that you didn't know how to

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apply it to before it's just as you continue to gain this knowledge and you continue to improve

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yourself things will start to fall into place and you have to allow yourself the time to make that

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happen you have to be patient with yourself and trust the process trust that you will understand

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the things that are most important for you and the things that were in the book or whatever you

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read that don't apply to you won't and you won't remember those things it's kind of like a fate

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thing you just have to believe that the things that are going to stick with you are going to be for

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a reason and the things that didn't weren't meant for you they didn't apply to your life not every

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single thing in a book or every single thing in a speech or every single quote that you read is going

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to be for you it's going to relate to you in your life but the things that are trusting that they'll

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stick with you and one day you'll get it and it'll make sense and you'll be able to apply it to your

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life the fifth and last thing that I wish I knew when I started my wellness journey is that pounding

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straight up wellness into my head would actually have a negative effect I would read all of the

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books and listen to all of the things in an attempt to make my life better to improve myself to make

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me feel good to reach that magical threshold moment to become this well-rounded full potential

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great version of myself but I would find that as I was doing those things it actually made me nitpick

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myself even more and find things that were wrong with me even more and not feel good enough even

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more and I would get this like feeling of being trapped because I would still be experiencing

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the mental health issues or I would still be experiencing like whatever issues I was having

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at that moment and feel like I was talking about at the beginning of this like I know how to fix

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this I know how to fix it why can't I fix it I know I have the tools I've just read about this I

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heard something about this but here I am like an idiot not able to freaking do anything for myself

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and then it turns into that spiral and it's just like being way too hard on myself being way extreme

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and trying to figure everything out because this is the only thing that I'm focusing on it's like

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the only books that I'm reading the only things that I'm listening to and so while it's cool to

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have that stuff in my life as much as it is so that I am aware of as much as I can be and I can

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improve myself with that being the main intention of my life when it's the main intention and I am

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struggling it creates these negative effects more than good ones I didn't have the mental strength

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that I needed in order to make the changes I was wanting to make or the knowledge of the steps

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that I needed to take in order to change my life and I would just drive myself insane because I

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felt like I knew what to do but I didn't have the confidence to set boundaries I didn't have the

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strength or I wasn't ready to let go of things in my life or people in my life that I knew

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weren't meant for me or that didn't benefit me or simply I just didn't have the emotional

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intelligence to carry out what I was actually learning and this wasn't something that I could

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see when I was in those situations like this is definitely a self-reflection this is me being able

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to look back on my irritation and recognize that I didn't have those qualities that I thought maybe

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I did just because I read the book like I thought just because I read the book or listened to the

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thing that that meant that now I'm emotionally intelligent now I'm confident setting boundaries

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now I'm completely ready to kick people out of my life that aren't doing the right thing for me that

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are dragging me down but that wasn't true just because I read it didn't mean that I was ready to

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make those steps consciously or subconsciously and I I couldn't see that I didn't understand that I

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thought that I was there and so I would get so upset with myself because I couldn't actually

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take the action instead of recognizing that I couldn't take the action because I wasn't actually

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there and I wasn't taking enough baby steps in order to get me to that point I was just trying to

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take these major leaps and thinking that I was completely healed being in this constant state

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of hearing what you should be doing just would make my head spin it's like well we talked about a

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few episodes ago about shitting all over yourself like that you're thinking in these shoulds I should

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be doing this I should be doing this I should be doing this but you don't have the mental capacity

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to do that yet it blows it makes you feel like you're not good enough and then you start to beat

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yourself up even more because you have the knowledge but not the skills to make it happen I honestly

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think that that's what happened that made me create that habit of having a constant battle in my head

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because I still do have that bad habit that I will like fight myself with specific things that come

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up I will think that you know I'll go back and forth with the different options and the option

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that I actually did the decision I actually made is never the correct one and then I again get into

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that feeling of that I'm not good enough or I'm not trying hard enough or I haven't reached the

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fullest version of myself and I need to keep reading or keep listening to things and making it even

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worse compared to maybe dialing it back a little bit just a cute little wellish plug like that's why

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I love my podcast because it's not just straight up wellness it's not just pounding wellness into

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your head it's aimed to be more realistic and to have real life emotions that you experience when

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you're trying to become your most well self because it's not going to be a 100% thing the truth is

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is it's not that serious it's not this intense thing that you're just going to read a book and

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suddenly you're going to be 100% well you just have to you know you can read the books and listen

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to the things and take pieces out of them to better yourself but you just have to live your

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fucking life and trust that you will be able to interpret things as needed and then you'll be able

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to handle stuff as needed building on your own self-trust and that you can handle yourself and you

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can continue to improve yourself without completely causing yourself overwhelming anxiety from it you

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have to recognize when you start to feel yourself going in a more negative direction than a positive

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direction and make a change because you can't keep doing the same thing you can't keep reading the

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self-help books but it can be hard to see that because they're there to help you and improve you

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and when you're not doing that you almost get addicted to them because you almost think like

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well I just need to read more and that's not how it might be working for you you know it might

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actually be hurting you I really liked when I was reading 10 pages a day out of a self-development

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book because it allowed me or or just listening to like one clip of a motivational speech something

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like that in the morning because it would allow me to apply what I learned to the rest of my day

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that I would be able to like take that small snippet and take a baby step in the sense of

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applying what I heard about that day into today or if you're doing it at night like let's say you

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would rather read or listen or something at night before you go to bed using that to reflect on your

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day and think about how you could have handled things better because then you're actually

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really making it applicable instead of trying to like force an entire book into your brain and then

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regurgitate it into your life after that happened and then to be pissed when you're not able to

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practice at 100% until the day you die. The thing about self-improvement too is it's everybody

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telling their own learnings and knowledge and what they have experienced and what works for one person

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might not work for you and every single thing that you read or listen to isn't necessarily going to

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apply to you in your life and that's okay you just have to take pieces from what people say and

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pieces from different people and not listen to some people and get to know yourself enough over time

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to recognize what can be applicable to you in your life and what isn't. One time I heard somebody

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saying in regards to wanting to help people that if you help just one person even if that's yourself

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you made a difference and you know what I feel so much less anxious so I hope to God that there's

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another person out there that this was able to resonate with but to be straight up not to be

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selfish but that just helped me you know I feel like I have to remember that I need to take it

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a day at a time I have to remember that I'm not going to be perfect that I'm not going to never

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feel things again never care about people's opinion again never ruminate again it's just kind of the

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way my brain works and hopefully I can continue to minimize it over time but it's still a part of my

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life and I am so proud of how far I was able to come in recognizing these five things and making

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it so that I do feel so much better and I'm able to recognize these things now and I'm able to

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as shitty things are happening realize that it's just based on people's perceptions and

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it has nothing to do with me and all of that good stuff but I hope that as you guys are

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continuing on your wellness journey aren't as hard on yourselves as I am I hope that you

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are able to take a step back and give yourself some grace and see that you are making progress

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even if it is minor realizing that your handling situation is better today that you might have

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yesterday and that's so fucking cool and that's so important next week is going to be Michelle's

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interview you guys gave me some good questions to ask her if you've got any more I would absolutely

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love to hear them I'm super excited to talk to her and then I do have some more interviews

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coming up in the next few weeks so I'm going to be missing you I'm not going to lie we're not going

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to have the one-on-one time that we've been having recently but there's super good information

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coming for you so keep your eyes and ears peeled for that you can follow me at underscore Sarah Ritt

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00:46:57,520 --> 00:47:02,640
you can follow wellish at wellish podcast both of those are on instagram and then on tic tac

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you can follow me at sarah rittendale other than that issues I will talk to you next week bye guys