Thank you. The situation on Cerule has become
most dire. Our luminaries find themselves in
grave danger, and yet, here they stand at the
cusp of freedom. The storm, one might say, has
nearly passed, but, well, who will survive is
yet to be seen. Zebulon has cleared the way to
the entrance to the Sapphire Conquer Jewel, but...
As he does so, he looks out yonder and sees a
legendary figure. A man, a samurai known as Ozen
Yoshikatsu the Storm Eye. Appearing in a bolt
of lightning and immediately cutting down his
fellow luminaries. Meanwhile, Jules the Roach
is so close to safety. But mistakes were made.
And after nearly getting trampled, his face was
revealed. An old enemy returns. And one of the
Cherry Delight's lives rests on the line. What
will our luminaries do now? As the dangers close
in. Alright! Welcome back to Fancy Pants and
uh... Wait. Hang on. Holy shit! Holy... Hey!
Guys! Steven! Jeremy! The viewer's back. The
viewer's back. Look, look. What are you doing
back here, man? Oh, man, what a crazy fella.
Come back to see us again. I didn't think, you
know. Welcome back, listener. Very exciting.
It's very exciting. This is not exciting. Thank
you, everyone who is listening for joining. You
guys kick ass. They stopped after that opener.
But we're alone again. But if listeners are still
there, and I like to believe in my heart that
they are, they should know something. Shouldn't
they? Right? Am I right? Because these guys don't
know what we look like. Right? Yeah, that's true.
It's true. So I have prepared some descriptions
for our listener so they can feel like they're
part of it. Right? This is going to be interesting.
So I am David Monroe, as you know. And I just
came from work at a restaurant, so basically
I look like a greasy beard and an even greasier
baseball cap. I see where this is going. I have
nice eyes, though. This fellow right next to
me is Steven Rodriguez. This big pair of thighs
connected to a big pair of shoulders connected
to a very, very unfortunate ponytail. Ouch. And
unfortunately, I can't describe to you what Jeremy
Wolf looks like because I've never seen his face.
It's always obscured by the clouds. Jeremy's
like... Too fucking tall. Jeremy's like the adults
on those kids' shows, like in Charlie Brown.
You never see his face on screen. Every time
he talks, we have to use these headsets to speak
with him because whenever he talks without them,
all you hear is... It doesn't travel. It just
doesn't travel that far. Love you too, David.
I feel like I got off easy. I didn't even mention
my schnoz. Anything I missed in these descriptions?
Anything I failed to... Pretty on point. Did
I mention my eyes? Yeah, just a lot. Oh. Stephen.
The listeners would be surprised to know how
much you talk about your eyes in regular everyday
conversation. I mean, I deserve it. They're pretty
good eyes. Jeremy, look at these eyes. You can't.
You're too high up. Come down here. Nearly far
down. There we are. No. Jeremy, how tall are
you? Last time I checked, 6 '4", I think. That
tracks. I don't believe it. You are at least
7 '5". He's like always stooping. He doesn't
even realize anymore because he's been stooping
for 20 years. Just so he could fit in with us
mortals. So we released, or at least we recorded,
episodes one and two last week. How have you
guys been feeling? How's your week been? I've
been feeling cool. I'm ready to get this thing
rolling, start to show people what we do on weekday
nights. All right. Okay. Okay. Well, I hate you.
I hate you. I know. I've heard. I think it was
Friday afternoon, and I pulled in my driveway
after work. We recorded on Thursday. I got out
of my car. I walked into my yard and just...
Stress vomited right into the grass. Stared into
the blue sky for like 20 minutes. You got down
on the ground? That was my week. It was a good
week. Jeremy, how was your week? It was good.
I've been really concerned about my cherry delights.
That's all I've been thinking about. I told you
from the start, they are off limits. Not with
this guy. You betrayed me. Yeah, well, that's
the thing is I feel like I didn't get something
clear last session. I mean, I didn't get many
things clear last session, but there's one thing
I really, really didn't get clear that I need
people to understand. And you guys who have been
in a few of my campaigns before, you know this.
You know this well. I'm an asshole. And I have
not been enough of an asshole in this campaign,
at least not until the end of episode two. Then
I think I cranked it up. I mean, we're three
episodes in and we're both just about dead. Yeah.
Yeah. You're still alive. Clearly I have been
holding back. Steven, I've been holding back.
David walks the line between DM and antagonist.
Every DM walks the line between DM and antagonist.
I just got to play both parts. You got to play
both parts. You just play the antagonist really,
really well. So. Man, what do you think? Should
we fire up all episode three? I'm ready to play.
Let's rock and roll. Okay, okay, okay. So, I
think we're going to start this session off in
a bit of a weird way. I want to start us off
not on Sarul, not on the day of this mighty storm
that's tearing the city apart. I want to rewind
the clock a little. Maybe 10 years? Zebulon,
how old are you right now? Modern time. Modern
time, Zebulon is a young man of 19 years. 19,
okay. So we're going to back time to a young
Zebulon standing just behind this massive sort
of crowd. We're on the Radiant Citadel. We're
in the middle of this... This sprawling town
or the cityscape made up on this great stone
fossil. And right now, we are lingering just
in front of a great massive sort of iron door
that is up right against the diamond itself.
Just beyond this door, you know, is the preserve
of the ancestors, where the incarnates reside
and where the governance of the Citadel is done.
in secret where your grandmother as you call
her uh often resides but you can't really make
that out right now because you are staring up
at about a hundred butts uh you're too small
to get up there you're probably jumping trying
to try to get a good view of what's coming up
because you know that what's what's about to
happen in front of this crowd is it's very exciting
um and as you're kind of trying to figure this
out you hear a voice Zeb, you're too fast for
me. You can't let me catch up. Your big brother,
19 years old currently, comes walking up behind
you. All right, let me see. I'm probably going
to have to cut this. Hi, I'm nine -year -old
Zebulon. I love it. I'm nine -year -old Zebulon.
We're not cutting that. That's great. Is this
what nine -year -old Zebulon sounds like? That
is absolutely staying in. Hey, watch out! I can't
see anything! Hey! Watch out! Arhalon! Lift me
up, Arhalon! Of course. Aw, so wholesome. Yeah,
so you see this crowd is kind of all surrounding
this road that leads out from this iron gate.
Arhalon comes up behind you and you say that.
He just, without even a word, I think, just picks
you up with one arm. He's 19, but he looks pretty
much as big, as tall and incredible as he does
in his current form. And right now, to you, to
little Zebulon, he looks like a mountain, I'm
sure. He looks like the biggest damn hero in
the world. He's a grown, strong -ass man. So
Arhalon lifts you up just as you start to see
the... these gray iron doors opening. And the
crowd begins to start cheering. You're lifted
up just above them. So you can make out the parade
of figures in sort of a two -by -two line moving
out. This honor parade for a luminary who is
retiring at the front of the parade waving out
to everybody in his resplendent black armor,
his sword at his side, and his sheath, his katana,
you see Ozen Yoshikatsu, the storm eye. Just
as he is in modern times, same full helmet, same
lightning bolt coming off of the one closed eye
on his mask, on his kabuto. Ozen, it's the storm
eye! Look, it's the storm eye! I see him, I see
him. Arlon. Size. Looking out. And you see, actually
right next to Ozen, you do see an old woman.
She looks human. She's not, you know. You see
she has gray -striped black hair hanging just
above the shoulders of her former red and yellow
dress. Sort of has a floral pattern running down
it. It's sort of in the design of Ankaren Singar.
You recognize this is, of course, your grandmother,
Sholay. She is at the foremost point of this
honor parade, standing by the side of the storm
eye. I think when her eyes kind of like scan
the crowd, you feel Arlan sort of duck you out
of the way, like he doesn't want you to be seen
here. You weren't really supposed to come, but
hey. Yeah, I don't know that Zebulon gets the
minutia. So maybe he's trying to wave. He's trying
to wave. Arhalon's just like, nope, stop, stop.
And he just barely, as Shoei's eyes sort of zoom
over your spot, you're pulled down behind the
crowd. His little hand just pops out. And her
eyes carry on, still waving pleasantly. Then
you're plopped back up above everybody. Arhalon
is standing. I mean, he's tall enough that you
can see over the folks in front of him, too.
And you hear him just like musing to himself
like, ah, Storm Eye himself. What do you think
of him, Zeb? Wow, he's so strong. He is, he is.
He's one of the greatest. He is the greatest,
I would say. One of the first, you know. Wow.
Yes, yes. He's the one that re -inspired me.
Are you going to be as strong as the Storm Eye
someday? Ha, you know I am. Next week. I start
with the Shieldbearers. I'll train with them.
I'll get stronger. I'll gain renown. And one
day I'll be like him. Wow, my brother's going
to be like the Storm Eye. Do you know what they
call him that, Zeb? The Storm Eye? Well, he's
got a lightning bolt coming right out of his
mask. That's true. That's very true. But there's
actually a little more to it than that. What
they say is... When everything's at its worst,
when the storm is at its worst, well, that's
when he appears. And when he appears, a calm
rushes over everything. He brings it. He brings
the eye of the storm wherever he goes because
he enforces peace and serenity. He makes people
feel safe, even in the darkest of times. Now
that is a luminary. Man, he's going to be yooking
all day, big brother. You know it, Zeb. Your
big brother will kind of look up at you. Your
big brother will always be there to protect you.
Always be there to make the storm go away. We're
sort of phasing out of this flashback. Phasing
back to the current scene. To the battle in the
square. Now, Allow me to recontextualize the
scene for a moment, just to give you an idea
of what you're seeing from your point of view,
Zebulon. Now, the stadium -sized sapphire diamond
rests sort of behind you. You are in the entranceway.
You've just slain one of these electric elementals,
one of these zappies that was trying to... Cause
chaos to kill people, to hold them off. And as
you've taken this thing down in this sort of
15 foot wide by 15 foot tall entranceway at the
top of this, this long ramp, the crowds that
were kind of held off are starting to now surge
once again. But no, not orderly this time. I
mean, they are piling up, stampeding up towards
you. And you only have a moment, just a moment
before your vision is overtaken. Just like in
that flashback by... Many, many, many crotches.
He's a little taller now. So you're standing
there in your pile of shit that you took last
time, mixed with the piss from your, was it a
natural one? I remember a natural one. Yeah,
there was a natural one in there. No, there actually
was a natural one. I think you rolled an 11 on
a constitution save to see if the pain makes
you. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Can I say we also had
multiple Nat 20s in that one? Yeah. You did,
and that Nat 20 was amazing. I mean, you distinguished
yourself. You know it. There's still a guy out
there cheering as you're kind of like, you know
you got caught on camera. Got on the TV. You
got caught on camera. A crystal camera, a diamond
camera. But now you stand here. This crowd is
coming towards you fast, and you see three things.
You see on the sort of eastern side of your vision,
there's some kind of commotion taking place.
And unlike many spots of commotion sort of farther
out and farther to the fringes of your vision,
where these zappies are still striking, where
shield bearers and guards are still trying to
take them down, trying to clear the path, what
you see here is a number of wagons carrying,
like, items and wares and treasures and who knows
what, trying to force themselves through the
crowd. You see, well, you see at the head of
this, there's a very regal looking man and woman.
They do not want to take no for an answer. The
captain of the shield bearer's sword's still
out from where he has, like, maybe, like, smoking
swords, where he just took out one or two of
these creatures, is shouting at them, basically
telling them, you can't take this on! We need
to make room for people! People! Um, Jules, what
are these, what does he look like? The king and
queen of Sarul at the head of this, uh, this
sort of caravan. My stupid father, Samuel. I
like to call him Sammy because he hates it. He's
got to be the sweatiest dude you've ever seen.
He's got that little bald head going on there,
but with the ring of hair around it. He's got
mutton chops at the boot. Doesn't look good.
Biggest beer belly you've ever seen. He's a slob.
He is a slob. But my mother, she's beautiful
in that ice queen way. She's got eyes that just
shoot icy daggers right through you. You can
see her malice. It's all in her eyes. You can
see that malice now just glaring daggers through
Ariat. You can see the man is trying to reach
out with bags of gold, trying to shove them into
Ariat's hands. He's throwing them down, scattering
them across the cobbles and screaming at them.
And that's all you see before this scene gets
vanished in the crowd. And then you have what's
happening to your sort of direct north, right
in front of you at the edge of the plaza, as
we touched on last time. Ozen Yoshikatsu. The
storm eye. You have that moment where you just
see him slice this luminary to pieces. I think
in your mind as you watch this woman cut down,
a name sort of echoes at you from somewhere in
your mind, your history. Some special you watched
in the Crystal Network. Ulka Tipuri of Shankabumi.
You see Demilich and the sort of centurion, Gaius
Argonius, both kind of amp themselves up. I mean,
they see this. They see her go down. They look
shocked, and they just go to turn to strike at
Ozen, who turns his weapon and swings at them.
And all you hear is this, like, thunderclap before
the crowd takes your vision. And then there's
your west. They're inside of your vision. Looking
out at the plaza. And you see one last thing.
You see something shining in brass. Appearing
from the crowd on that side. You see your brother.
Eyes fixed on Ozen. On the scene ahead. Greatsword
unsheathed. Charging towards the luminary he
once admired. And the crowd takes you. I need
you to roll a dexterity saving throw to avoid
being trampled. 16 plus 5, we got a 19. 19? That's
not what that equals. That's not, yeah, what?
Hold on, stop. No, I'm staying in. Nope. Nope.
Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, Coca -Cola,
Pepsi, Walmart, Amazon. We never said we're kid
-friendly. You can say penis all you want. It's
all staying in. I don't think saying brands are
going to like... It works on the news. Quick,
just start playing a song. Any song. Start singing
a Beatles song. It's over. Don't. Don't you dare.
Anyways. Anyways, with that, you do manage to
sort of slide out of the way, weaving around
these legs as they go to crush you. You, I think,
move off to the side as this crowd is piling
into the sapphire, which is rapidly beginning
to fill with civilians. You see that a number
of shieldbearers are rushing in with them, trying
to enforce some kind of calm, but it is far too
late for that. But Zebulon, you are still in
the sapphire. And you can't see what's happening
in the plaza. So my question for you is, what
do you want to do? Zebulon wants to move out
of the Sapphire to get to Arhan. Okay. Okay.
So I'm going to start you off. If you want to
get through this crowd, I need you to make an
acrobatics check to, I guess, move your normal
distance. Get out of the way. Get out of the
way. That's my brother. If you feel this badly,
it's going to hurt. Thirteen. Eight plus five.
Okay. It's not too bad. It's not too bad. You're
not hurt. You're not moving too fast. You're
just weaving behind your legs and you get a slight
kick one way. Nothing to cause damage, but slow
you down. You're forcing your way through. Working
your way to be halfway towards whatever's happening
ahead. Where you can hear more thunder claps.
Followed by a loud scream. Yeah, I don't like
that. Hey, Jules LaRoche. What's going on with
you, buddy? Now, what happened last time? I can't
quite remember. Oh, that's right. You're fucked.
Or at least Jeans is fucked. So here's what's
going to happen here. On your turns, I'm going
to be making death saving throws for Jeans. Now,
I'm not going to tell you what I roll. You'll
need to make a medicine check to figure out what
her situation is, but that's going to cost you
a precious action. Jules, you have healing magic?
Are you a trained medic? Nope. You might need
to find someone who is. You know, the shield
bearers might have the necessary equipment to
help her, but they are so far away, and standing
before you is one of your most hated adversaries.
He's standing before you with a bloody spear.
What do you do? I'm going to call Roundstuff
over real quick. Okay. Roundstuff slides up next
to you, and she was already like, you already
rallied them, so she's right there. Daggers held
out. All right, I'm going to kind of lean down
and just say round stuff. Go find someone who
can help. I don't have any expertise in this,
but we need somebody to save Gene. Somebody's
got to help. I'm going to take care of this bastard.
Okay, okay. And without a word, she vanishes
into the rushing people around. And when she's
gone, I'm going to slowly kind of raise up, stand
up tall, stick my chest out. Ah, Kellig. Looks
like my parents sent their third string gods
again. Tell me, how does it feel to go back empty
-handed every fucking time? Not this time, Jules.
Not this time. Yeah, right. I have you right
where I want you, and you know it. You know it.
You never have me right where you want me. Let
me ask you something, Jules. Should I just...
Should I just start killing the orphans around
you here? Or are you just gonna step forward
and fight me like a man, huh? No more running.
No more hiding like a rat. It's you and I. I
think you're the one who's the rat here. Sucking
off the teeth of my parents. That's it! And he
moves in to attack. But... Well, I'll go with
my turn order. I am going to let you go first
because this is sort of your actual turn. Okay.
Yeah. But he's like, you got him mad. You have
him very mad. Oh, I know. Chester, give me a
knife. Chose. She's blatant. Kill him quick.
And he throws the knife right at you. Right to
you. All right. I'm going to take. Is it pronounced
rapier? Rapier? I have no idea. Yeah, rapier.
Rapier? Okay. Perfect. So I'm going to go up
and attack Jessenthyr with that first. Okay,
you go into strike. And actually, sorry to cut
in here, but I'm going to put another zip if
we got one. Quick pause. I do. Sweet. So one
thing that I think I didn't bring up last time.
There's a couple things I didn't bring up last
time, but this one's a little important. We have
two players, obviously, in this campaign. and
we have different means to sort of address that
to make this a little more fair. I want to go
all out on these guys. I don't want to have to
hold back. They know me. I do not want to have
to hold back. So what I want to do to challenge
myself and to add a little more strategy into
the combat is we're going to use a hero point
system. What I want to do is something where
you're going to start off with three each. You'll
earn them just like inspiration, and they're
going to have a cap. The cap probably will just
be three. Maybe we'll talk about five. I haven't
decided quite yet. So here's how this works.
One point works as inspiration. Use it, get advantage
on a roll, right? Two points works as a disadvantage
on me. So you can use two points to impose disadvantage
on one of my attack rolls, on a saving throw
I have to make to one of your spells, something
like that. It gives you a little more variety
in what you can do with these points. Now, three
points you can use to roll an automatic nat 20
on a death saving throw, bringing you back to
life with one HP. Okay. So it is a very good
option to have, but you're going to need to really
save for it. Yeah, it's tough. So if you use
a point, do something cool early on, but you
don't have those three when you need them, It's
going to suck. But hey, that's the game. It's
a strategy. That's what I want you guys to have
to really suffer and think about. When to use
these points. But you each get three. Remember
that. Because we might save your ass in what's
coming up right now. Yeah, starting with three.
That's huge. Yeah. I'm not complaining. Except
if you failed your save earlier and got stampeded,
you would just be lying, dying in the doorway.
Thanks for waiting until episode three to give
those to us. Yeah. Well, hey, here's the trade
-off. We're more than half dead already. Here's
the trade -off. I 100 % forgot that my creatures
have death throws, so you should be dead because
I should have blasted you when you killed that
one. But hey, hey, hey, you know what? Here we
are. Canonically, you killed them so cool. You
know, you crit. You did your basically full shadow
-touched feet unload. with your invisibility
into an inflict wounds. Boom. I mean, that's
a really cool way to kill them. I honestly like
to think that you just kind of fizzled out there
death row with these attacks. You know, canonically,
we'll just go with that. It's cool. We'll call
it square. We'll roll with that this time. It
was flashy. It was awesome. It's never going
to happen again. I want to kill you. Speaking
of I want to kill you, Jules, you are making
an attack roll. All right, so it's a plus two
to hit. All right. That is 17 on the dice, so
it's 19. 17 is a hit. Thank you. Actually, 19
is a hit. All right, and that's 1d8. That's a
d12. That was a great d8 roll. It was, wasn't
it? Your weapon breaks. That's for 4 damage.
Okay. And then as a bonus action, I'm going to
come in with the knife that I just got from Chester,
and I'm going in for a second attack. All right.
He's moaning in pain. That first one caught him.
So I do get my two hit modifiers, just a standard
D4 for damage. Yes. Correct. That is correct.
That is an 11. And 11 does not hit. Of course
it doesn't. I think you, like, you stab this
guy, and he, again, like, right in the shoulder.
He groans out, and now Wary just sort of jumps
back, slides a little bit, just dodging right
out of the way of your dagger thrust. And now
it's his turn. So, here's what I'm going to do.
I got a spear in one hand. Actually, in two hands.
I want to use it. Let's get some blood on the
spear. Let's get a little more blood on the spear.
What do you say, Jules? What do you say to A?
Well, that's a six on the die. Yeah, no. Wait,
wait, wait. Hang on. That's a nine to hit. Nope.
Okay, so he misses. I don't have multi -attack.
That's pretty sad. Okay, so he goes to hit you.
You manage to weave out of it, and we are flying
all the way. About two fucking blocks. I figured
it out. That's the word. Two blocks down the
road across from this sort of plaza to the other
side of the sapphire where Zebulon is weaving
through the crowd. Zebulon. If you want to keep
moving forward, I need another one of those acrobatics
checks. Acrobatics check. Yeah. Gotta get through
these people. There's less of them now, but they're
just rushing towards you. Nope. Didn't happen
this time. That was a natural one. Okay. Zebulon.
You are moving through this crowd, and at one
point, you're just like, you can hear, and you
hear another voice sort of rising over the din.
It's Arhalon. You recognize it. It's your brother.
He's been hit. I think for a moment you're stunned
by this and you get pushed down as someone's
like running past you. Out of the way. And as
you kind of fall, as people start to move past
you, you hear this. The first sort of horse and
carriage of that caravan you saw currently kind
of hanging off the back of it. The king and queen
of Sarul is rushing towards you and they don't
give a fuck that you're in their way. Unbelievable.
I'm going to roll some damage. Unbelievable.
You have three hero points. I'm going to roll
some damage. But if I roll too high... All right,
all right. I'll give you disadvantage with two
of my hero points. Oh. Oh, man. Okay, okay. Disadvantage
on the damage roll. Interesting. That's totally
allowed. Well, because, I mean, there's people
around. I figure somebody can save me, but if...
If this damage is, I've got two HP. Yeah, if
it's too much. If this damage is too high and
I just like die, die, die. I think at this point
you just got to expend everything to just try
and survive so that we can have an adventure.
Right. Wow. I just rolled two instances of the
same damage. Great. One of them would have been
maximum damage. Which would have been 12 points
of damage. Yeah, so I would have been a negative
10. You would have been, what's your HP? Is it
10? No, it's eight. You would have been dead.
Yeah, so. But I rolled disadvantage. Yeah. You
take five points of damage as you hear your brother
and you're just trying so hard to reach him.
You're kicked, you fall, and then you are run.
over in the middle of this plaza. No one's even
looking down. No one's paying any attention.
People are rushing past, and Zebulon is bleeding
out on the ground. Unconscious and dying, but
not dead. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Not great.
No, yeah, this isn't great. We'll come back to
you for those death rolls. Thanks. Yeah. Holy
shit, I'm stressed out, and you don't even see
what's happening. In the plaza. No one's going
to see what's happening in the plaza because
we got two POV characters and they don't know
what's going on. And we're a little busy. All
you can hear is another... We're going to wake
up and this is going to be a dream, right? Yeah,
exactly. That's how this is going to work? I
think as your vision and all the sound is sort
of fading away to silence Ebulon, the last thing
you hear is another thunderclap followed by another
wail. Arlon! From your brother's voice. Big brother.
Jules! How you doing, buddy? No. Battling to
the death of this guy, the Orc Cherry Delights
are kind of surrounding you. They want to move
in, but they're not fighters, Jules. Chester
may have a chance, but he's holding a bleeding
jeans in his arms. He doesn't even have his knife
anymore. Yeah, you have his dagger. Chester,
Chester, get Jeans out of here. You guys got
to go now. Run, run. I got this. You run. Damn
it. And he picks her up over his shoulder. And
she kind of wails. Kind of starts to fall into
unconsciousness. And he's, Jeans, shit. Run and
find someone who can help. Find someone. The
shield bears. We're going to the shield bears.
Jules. All right, go, go. Go now. And they're
all running. You and this guard are alone. So,
it's your round, Jules. What do you do now? You
said he stepped back and dodged after I got the
last hit, right? How far did he move back? Flavor
step. I'm not taking an A -O -O from you. No,
no, I'm thinking more of disengaging. Oh, I mean,
you can disengage, but you'd only be able to
move one round, so he'd be able to catch right
up to you. But, like, hey, here's what I'll tell
you right now. There is still a lot of panic
around. If you want to move away from him and
start running, there will be checks for both
of you to see if he's basically going to stay
on you or if he's going to get swept away by
the crowd. Now you have those hero points. I
do. But if you fail your check, it could get
bad. Is he potentially dumb enough to where I
can maybe make a deception check and turn his
gaze somewhere else while I book it? To give
him disadvantage? Here's the thing. I'll allow
that as part of your disengage. So it's going
to be part of your action. Okay. You've got to
pass the check. Okay. And if it succeeds, yeah,
yeah. I think that sounds fun. Play it out. Play
it out. What do you do? Hey, Justin, I think
my parents want you over there. Give me a roll.
It's a three on the die with a plus seven, so
it's a ten. That was lame. He just smiles like,
really, Jules? You think it's going to be that
easy? I mean, I did. You're pretty dumb. He takes
a hand off his spear and just like, with one
finger out, kind of beckons you like, come on.
Come on, you fucking street rat. And I'm just
going to go, whoop. And I run. You begin to run.
All right. You just hear from behind you like,
get back here. I'm going to wipe your fucking
stain from the family line for good. And he is
just running after you. Now, I need you both.
As you're moving through this crowd, you're taking
your move action here. This is going to be either
athletics or acrobatics, whatever you're best
at, to get through the crowd. And he's going
to roll it too. So what happens here? You have
hero points. If you want advantage, you can use
advantage. It's your call. Yep. I am going to
use one hero point. Okay. All right. So give
me your roll. So that's 14. We don't need to
know that one. 14. 14 will get you through. So
you're weaving around, getting past people, just
moving, moving swiftly through the crowd. I'm
kind of, I'm trying to loosely keep track of
the cherry delights. Okay. As I'm going, just
so I can kind of meet up with them whenever I
can, at least so I'm in the general vicinity.
Okay. All right. Now I'm going to roll to see
if he catches up. He was within five feet of
you before. If he rolls and succeeds, he's going
to be right on you again. And then he gets to
attack. But I'm going to also spend my other
two hero points for disadvantage. You son of
a bitch. That's the move right there. Balls to
the wall. That's the move. You're burning everything.
No more hero points. No more spells. But victories
in sight. To be fair, you kind of forced me into
this position here. Oh, no. You rolled two natural
ones, my man. Legends are spoken of the terrible
things that happen when a man rolls two natural
ones. Oh, look at this guy over here. What a
sad, sad. I only took one natural one, and here
I am. Parathise. Dead and dying. Lying around.
Weeping into the cobble, still covered in shit.
Did Chester make an athletic saving throw? Or
sorry, acrobatics check? Yes. All right, guard
time. So here's what's going to happen here.
Go this right here. Okay. So he goes to screaming,
runs. out of my way he's using athletics throwing
people to the side uh moving towards you and
i think um this is how i want to resolve this
hero point because i think this sounds awesome
uh you're you look back and you see he's like
pushing his way through he's gaining on you and
then as like people behind him part you see for
a moment a small figure with green skin, two
beater sticks at his sides, comes up right behind
him. No fucking way. Boom, boom, right into the
back of his leg. He sort of trips up, kind of
like half falls. You see he gets buried. As people
start pushing past him. Miskin saves the day.
He's getting pulled away by the cop. Miskin weaves
around, runs, catches up to you, just like. Good
work, Jules. I'm still ten. That's a nice job,
brother. I know I can always trust you. Thank
you. He just nods, doesn't even smile. Slides
his beater sticks away and is like, let's go!
And just starts darting in through the crowd.
And you guys are moving Zebulon! I want to see
a death roll from you. Actually, you know what?
This time you're not a party yet. It can be in
the open. It can be in the open. Yeah, I'm rolling
the open. That's a pass. Okay. All right, Zebulon,
you're hanging on. The last thing you heard was
the scream of your brother. You're not going
down yet. Not yet. If only you had three hero
points. Well, if I didn't use my two hero points,
then I would have been permanently dead. This
guy, I swear. That's your round for now. Jules,
you are pushing towards the plaza. It is so close,
looming above you now. One round away, one block,
and you're here. Oh, by the way, my hood's back
on. Oh, yeah, nice, yeah. Object direction, slide
over your face. Blend right back in. I think
it's just kind of a natural thing at this point.
Okay. Let's see. So, you're getting within range.
You're going to need to move another round to
get closer. I need you to make... For one thing,
I need you to do a perception check to see if
you catch the Cherry Delights. Okay. Let's see
where they're at. It's a nine. Okay. With a nine.
That's a nine total? Yes. No modifier. So, you
can't make out any of your... of your crew at
all. Not with a nine. You have to assume they're
just making it. They're just moving ahead. I
trust them. Okay. Now I need to make that acrobatics
check to get through the crowd. Acrobatics? This
guy gets to catch up. Oh my god. That is a 21.
Wow. Okay, so you just boom, you're gaining speed.
That was 19, right? Not 16? Yeah, it was a 1
-9. It was a 1 -9, okay. Okay, yeah, you're gaining
speed. Miskin's right on you, and you guys are
just swiftly pushing past people, getting through,
and whoa, you erupt from the crowd into the open
expanse of the plaza. You know the entrance to
the sapphires on the other side of this thing,
and you still don't see the cherry delights.
But the shield bearers are here now. You're within
their range. You should be safe. You should be
safe. I'm not going in there without my charioted
lights. Okay. So you're kind of staying at the
edge of the plaza? Yeah, I'm going to kind of
actually turn around and just not run into the
crowd just yet, but just kind of frantically
pace around. Where are you guys? Where are you
guys? Come on, come on, come on. You turned around.
We're going to touch on that in a moment because
that will give you a little something something.
First, I want to see Zebulon roll another death
save. All right, here we go. That's a fail. Holy
shit. One failure, one success. So, oh my gosh,
this is really scary because if you're all one
next round. But there is good news. As you're
lying there, bleeding on the ground, you do feel
someone lift you up. You're not conscious to
see, to hear, but you feel hands, strong hands,
grabbing you, raising you. You feel yourself
moving swiftly. And we're going to see what happened
to that last save next round. It's a one. 5 %
chance. Yep. Permanent death. We lose a character
before we even start the campaign. For real.
Well, I'm stressed. Yeah, tell me about it. Holy
hell. You haven't even met Jules yet. I'm very
stressed over here. You're about to meet. Our
stars have not crossed yet. Holy shit, Jules.
You cannot die. Jules, it's my turn, and I need
you to roll a perception check. That's a 19.
Oh, okay. Yeah. Cool. As I say, your passive
is pretty low, so you would have failed with
your passive. But with a 19, okay. You do hear
something as you turn around to look back in
the crowd. Your eyes are flickering here and
there, and you see just kind of maybe 30 feet
away from you where there's kind of an opening
between two towers. You see a small figure appear
for a second. You see round stuff. And she screams
out as, like, another gloved hand grabs her and
pulls her into the alley. Oh, my God. We can't
catch a break today, huh? You can't. No. It's
chaos. It is chaos. Never mind the rogue samurai
on the loose and the lightning. Yeah. I got to
run to that. Okay. We can't even fight off house
guards and horse -drawn carriages. I just want
to get out. That's all I want to do is just get
out. Yeah, I saw that. I have to go. Okay, yeah,
so you just move. And we're moving with the crowd
now, so I'll say you can make it. You slide them
out the alley, and then you just kind of see,
like, round stuff. spiraling falling into like
the the ground into like a spot of like wet mud
uh where the cobbles have kind of sunk in just
so the splash as another guard this one lightly
armored just like hand raised where he just like
struck her just says why you expect me to help
you low folk you stay out of there you stay out
of the plaza we got good people loading up hey
to my parents You're all low people too. You
know that. This guy whirls around as he hears
you. Just, you're bad. You know damn well they
don't give a shit about anybody but themselves.
You making a persuasion rule here? I could. I'm
interested. I'm interested. Let's go. Let's call
this your bonus action. It's not going to work.
It's an eight. He smiles. You see at some point
this man at least has no weapon in hand. He lost
it during the chaos. You're not really sure.
I mean, he's hiding off in an alley. But he just
kind of cracks knuckles like, Well, well, well.
Jules the Roach. They're going to promote me
when I take you in. And he starts to move in
your direction. And I'm going to... Ready my
dagger and my rapier. Say, you really want to
do this? Holy shit. You still have an action.
So you get to make the first move here, and then
he's going to go. All right. It's your funeral.
He's smiling. He sees a big reward in the future
for taking you down. And I'm going to hit him.
It says lighter armor. He's wearing leather armor.
He's not like one of your parents' main guard.
That's a 14 to hit. That just hits. Oh, yeah.
This guy's more like a glorified thug than anything.
Get him, Jules. That's a five damage. Five damage?
Okay. So you'd stab him. He gets him right in
the side, holding a hand to a bleeding wound
in his leather armor. Then I'm going to come
in with the dagger. Oh, shit. Here we go. Got
the dagger. Oh, wait, no. That would be your
bonus action. Did I already take it? Oh, I did.
With the persuade. I mean, persuade. I called
it a bonus action. Really talking is kind of
a free action. Okay, well, it doesn't matter
anyway because I rolled a five. All right. But
yeah, so you get one good stab on him. He's hurt.
Zebulon. Zebulon. All right. I'm going to make
another one. Okay. I've got one hero point left.
But I'm not going to use it for this save. I'm
going to use it for my next one. Okay. For the
drama. That's a lot of drama. Are you sure? Yeah,
I'm sure. Okay. Here we go. That's a fail. But
it's not a one? It's not a one, but it's a fail.
One more failure, and Zebulon is permanently
dead. I get to make a roll now. Oh. My anonymous
benefactor. You feel yourself being moved. Passed
from hand to hand, you feel something soft underneath
you suddenly. You feel that is also moving. You
feel hands touching on you, running across your
body, running over your wounds, pressing down
broken bones. You hear like maybe far off, like
hearing voices through water. I'm going to make
a medicine check on you. Roll high, David. Roll
high. I'm putting this in the open. So, ready?
Oh, my God. All you feel is pain. All you feel
is pain. They're not doing... There's panic,
shaking hands. It's a bad roll. It's a bad roll.
Whoever's doing this is not trained. Maybe someone
better will come next round, but do you have
a round, Zebulon? Do you have a round? I am...
I'm freaking out. yeah yeah me too i'm freaking
out too but i kept that hero point okay okay
whoo jewels we're back to you you got one last
sort of guy in your way round stuff on the ground
behind him and actually that was my turn so in
this sort of free form uh semi -combat we're
doing any of my guys is gonna go on the third
of the round um so at this point round stuff
sort of Pulls herself up out of the mud. Reels
around this guy. She's still got a knife. And
she's going to slide up behind him. And she's
going to go for an attack. Go around stuff. She
does not connect. So slides. I think maybe he
just like hears a wet footstep. So she runs towards
him. Sort of slides out of the way. Grabs her
and pushes her to the side. And she kind of connects
against the wall. Metal hitting stone. as the
dagger sort of ricochets off the stone behind
her. And now, it's your turn, Jules. All right,
I'm going to come at him again. Okay, okay. Oh,
she's behind him. So this is a house rule we
have, and it's one I really like. We don't do
advantage from flanking, but we do do a plus
two from flanking. Perfect, so that means I just
hit 16. You hit. I'll take it. Yeah. Thank you,
round stuff. Yeah. Right place, right time. That's
a three on the damage. Three on the damage, okay.
Coming in with the dagger. Holy shit, the dagger.
Holy shit. Get that plus two. Oh, I do. This
one actually, yeah. Yeah, there you go. Hell
yeah. That is a 21. Nice. You definitely hit
this might. This might kill him. Straight 1d4,
maybe. We'll see. Holy hell. One. Shucks. That
won't do it. Shucks. Oh, no. He's... It's something,
but... He's, like, barely shaking. He's slouching
over, holding on to a bunch of wounds. You have
enough yet? He's screaming and flailing behind
him. He's... You lot will never win. It's best
you come and join us. Have your freedom. Have
your freedom. Be free from my parents' tyranny.
It's a lot of fun. Fuck you, Jules. And fuck
you too. He goes to attack. Bring it on. Oh,
wait. Before that, though, we have to resolve
Zebulon. All right. I kept that third hero point.
Okay. You did. I'm going to use it now. You did.
So I've got two chances to not fail. I am so
stressed out. But even if I pass, even if I succeed,
then I still have another roll. Yeah. Okay. I'm
just going to do it. Here we go. You know what?
I've got two d20s. I'm going to roll them both
at once. Oh, God. Don't do that. I'm going to
pee. Okay, fine. I'll roll one at a time. No,
do it. Do them both at once. Okay, I'm going
to roll them both at the same time. It's funny
if I pee. Do it. Do it. Don't look. I don't want
to look. Pass. Nice. Pass. You pass. Zebulon
still lives. Both die passed, so it was kind
of a waste of a hero point, but that's all right.
Here's the luck you have now. Your benefactor
gains a help assist from somebody else this round.
I get to roll twice. To stabilize you. Okay,
great. In the open. Give me one of those d20s.
Thank you, sir. I cannot see the dice tower.
You gotta tell me. Oh, you got a 15 in there.
That's what I needed. Sweet. Okay. Zeb. You feel
the pain lessen. You feel something like binding
your wounds. You feel... Maybe you smell some
strong scent of like a medicinal herb. And then
even that sensation fades into void and nothing.
And you are out of this combat. Did somebody
just euthanize me? That sounded pretty dark,
huh? Could you imagine? We just get back to it.
It's like, and Zebulon's dead. And it's just
like, what? Yeah, I kind of could imagine you
doing something like that. The whole campaign
is just, who murdered Zebulon? Who murdered Zebulon
Brass? Who did it? What monster? Surprise, Jules
is now Sherlock Holmes. Surprise, Jules is the
murderer. All right, well, I better go crack
another beer or something. I don't know. Oh,
so this is how we meet. Okay. Jules, we're back
to you. This guy tries one last time to attack.
Actually, I'm attacking you. I'm going for it.
Here it comes. Here it comes. Another... I rolled
so many sixes on so many die. So he goes to strike
at you with his... Actually, he's trying to punch
you. He goes like... Swing and a miss. Swing,
literal swing and a literal miss. And I actually
say that to him. Ah, swing and a miss. Oh, man.
And that's you. I'm going to give you one more
chance here. One more. It's up to you. He's practically
dead. He swings. He's like, he's barely... I
think everything's swimming in front of him.
I think he's like a drunk man punching. Completely
misses you. You probably have to do the barest
sort of movement to get out of the way of his
attack. And he's just like looking at you through
these blurred eyes. And just, fuck. Fuck you,
Joe. Fuck you. And he just pushes past you and
runs. If you want an AOL, you can take one. You
see a bear open back your call. No. The second
that I notice that he's running and booking it,
I'm going for round stuff. Okay. You're letting
him go. Roll me a perception check real quick.
Eight. Okay. Don't worry about it. You turn around
and go back. Round stuff is, I'm okay. Are you
okay? I'm all right. I'm all right. Come on.
We got to get everybody together. We got to get
the fuck. I saw Chester and them. They ran in.
They got inside the plaza. They're in? Yeah,
I was talking. I went to the guy, asked for help,
and he attacked me, but I saw them run past.
All right, I got you. I got you. Let's go. Okay.
And I'm going to... She's tiny. Okay, I'm going
to pick her up. Yeah, you can pick her up. You
can easily pick her up, and she's very, very,
very small. You knew where I was going with that.
Little tiny tiefling wearing a rabbit onesie.
Very dirty -looking rabbit onesie. I'm going
to pick her up, throw her over my shoulder, and
we're booking it. Okay, and you slide out of
the alley, and you run to the plaza. To safety.
Congratulations on being safe. No more stress
poops. Joel, as you get into the plaza now, the
shield bearers are pushing away. There's still
some guard here. They're trying to force people
out. And shield bearer, the blue and white tabards
are overtaken by the brass armor of the shield
bearers who are just throwing these guys down,
pushing them away. Just, what are you doing?
All lives are equal. And these people are just
rushing in, rushing in. You manage to round the
edge of the gemstone. You manage to work your
way to the ramp leading into the sapphire -conquered
jewel. And the last thing we see is Jules LaRoche
vanishing inside. And we're going to end our
little episode on one final scene. We're going
to end on Zebulon, somewhere in the darkness
you feel. A light. You feel a warmth wash over
you. It's magic. And your eyes snap open. You're
lying in what looks like sort of a makeshift
bed. Essentially just a bedroll lying out on
the middle of the sort of open sort of storage
platform area of the Concord Jewel. You're surrounded.
You owe your eyes open to just like gleaming
sapphire ceilings. There's a... a robed woman
above you, holding like hands, just still sort
of sparkling with magical energy, still radiating.
And without even a word, she just like pulls
her hands away and turns and moves to help someone
else. What do you do? Well, Zebulon, if he's
able, sits up and looks around, scanning the
inside of the gym. the jewel, looking for his
brother, Arhalon. You get up, you scan the area
around you, and in the immediate vicinity, you
don't see Arhalon. But that's not surprising.
Even here, especially here in the sort of medical
area of the sapphire, as they're trying to bring
people in, it's so crowded. There are people
all around you, loved ones of hurt people standing
everywhere. Can he see any shield bearers? Wow.
Sorry, I just rolled something that is sure to
make Jeremy shit himself when I show it to him
later. I'm already shitting myself. You see shield
bearers here and there, dotting around. There's
definitely some kind of standing around, you
know, kind of far in the distance on the raised
platforms or somewhere, you know, a number on
like the highest points of the bleachers watching
out. But you do see some close by as well. I
think something else takes your attention before
you really focus on them. Because you see, lying
next to you, still unconscious, now being handled
by this cleric, is a young woman, young girl,
in overalls of some strange blue fabric, stained
with blood. And as the healing magic washes over
her, her eyes, And your ears are met with the
raucous cheering of a number of wacky looking
child figures all around her. And one very scruffy
looking man with a very scrappy pompadour. And
we'll call it there. So, so Jeremy, Jeremy, here's
what I was talking about here. These are the
death saving throws that I was making. There's
a number of rounds there. And I decided I had
to make a number basically based on, you know,
there was a distance they had to carry her that
would have been not counted in rounds. So essentially
it was going to be a coin flip. I rolled an eight,
a four, a 17, a 10, a 15. Holy shit. Wow. She
had two fails. And then she rallied. Yeah, I'll
show you. Look, for the listener, here's the
proof. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. My chair
read the lights. They're strong. And now our
luminaries are together. That's the end of the
first arc, essentially. Right there, baby. Where's
Arhalon? Where's Arhalon? We'll find out next
time on Fantasy Pants. On Fantasy Pants.