Hey, Pants people. I'd like to take a moment
to tell you about a D &D actual play podcast
that I've been listening to. It's called Legends
Reroll. GM Sean bases his game off of classic
fantasy tales and reimagines them with a bit
of homebrew. If you're hearing this ad now in
episode, I don't know, it's like 116, I think,
you probably enjoy D &D content. Guess what?
You're going to love Legends Reroll. But maybe
you've got a friend or a family member who's
a little on the fence. With all the heavy D &D
lore. Who's Strahd? Where's Faerun? Can you fuck
a Demogorgon? Well, Legends Rerolled takes the
game we all love and puts it in a familiar setting.
The first campaign is called The Wizard of Boggs.
Recognize that one? Second campaign is Malice
in Wonderland. Ringing any bells? All four players
in Legends Rerolled are funny, charismatic, and
make creative plays in game. I want to give a
special... Chef's kiss shout -out to Jake, who
in campaign one plays Cal Broadtooth, a sort
of hilariously down -on -his -luck Leonin. If
any of this sounds appealing to you, look up
Legends Rerolled on social media or your favorite
podcast platform. One more time, that's Legends
Rerolled. Now, Handsome Jai's origins are complicated,
and not what you would expect. A staunch loyalist
to Emperor Tasneem, Jai Raju led a squad of guerrilla
soldiers against the forces of false emperors,
determined to see Tasneem's daughter, Farusa,
placed on the throne. After years of Taib's bloody
civil war, Jai found himself in a desperate situation,
separated from his squad mates and surrounded
by overwhelming enemy forces. In this moment,
he sacrificed himself for a display of explosive
artificery. He died, it seemed to him, without
seeing his mission fulfilled, bringing an end
to the horrors of the civil war. But something
strange happened in that explosion. Jai found
himself not lost in the few plane of death, but...
rather surrounded by the cavernous gem -filled
plain of Urn. Here, he was met by a great Dao
genie. Jai told his story true and amused. The
genie offered him a wish. For Jai, it was an
easy answer. The power, he said, to end the civil
war. and Brass, the genie imbued Handsome Jai
with his own power, forging a pact and making
of him a warlock of the earth element. He returned
to his world and wrought destruction upon his
foes. It was soon after this event that Empress
Feruza took her father's place until he finally
found itself in uneasy peace. And with no war
to fight, Handsome Jai was chosen to represent
the Empire in a wholly different way, as a luminary
of the Radiant Citadel. Handsome Jai. Controversy.
Not a name I expected to say last episode, but
the name that came out of my mouth. And so here
we are, two weeks later, and a whole bunch of
stuff is now happening, and I'm pretty excited
about it. It's going to be crazy. It's going
to be a little silly. We're going to have some
fun. Okay. We're going to have some fun. Before
we have some fun, let me ask you guys a very
serious question. Hey, look me in the fucking
eyes. Look at me in the eyes. Every time he says
something serious, it's something stupid. Hey,
shut up. Look me in the eyes. This is serious
time for serious podcasters. I'm a genie. Shut
up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm a genie. I'm following.
Good. Follow. What is your one wish? I'll give
you one wish. What's your wish? Any wish in the
world. You get one. Now, I'm a genie, so this
can go badly. I'm not going to be a monkey's
paw genie. I'm not doing doll hairs. I'm not
going to do, oh, bucks, they're male deer. We're
not doing that. What we're going to do is make
a wish. But the natural ramifications of that
wish will play out, right? Not anything supernatural
or stupid, but like, I want world peace. Okay,
well, that might do horrible things to the world.
Maybe that means all of the world is now void
of human and life, right? Because how else do
you achieve actual peace? Or, you know, maybe
an entire world of indoctrinated souls that just
kind of laugh the same and move around the same.
That'd be pretty fucking crazy, right? That'd
be weird. Wouldn't that suck? Mm -hmm. Yeah.
Anyway, moving on. What's your one wish? I actually,
because I'm a nerd, have thought a lot about
this over the years. And I have crafted, I believe,
the perfect wish. All right. Let's hear it. No,
only yours first. Oh. I'm going to crush your
guys' loser wishes with my cool wish afterwards.
Well, yeah, because you've had years to think
about it and I've had 35 seconds to think about
it. Well, you know what? If you had any foresight
or were a good person, you'd have thought about
this one. I guess. Yeah. I think what I would
want is like the ability to, to sort of be able
to like pause time and just like sit down and
read a book. Maybe, you know what I mean? I feel
like that's a lot of the reasons why I don't
do a lot of stuff that I want to do is because
I don't have time. Like seven days in the week
is just not enough. But if I could pause time,
sit down, read a book, pause time, do a. I don't
know. I love that one. You have to create a stipulation
for it. I've thought about that one a lot too.
You cannot age while you pause time. If you age
while you pause time, you'll be tempted to use
this power a lot. And over the years, your family,
your wife, everyone will slowly age much slower
than you. And you'll become a withered old man
within 10 years. Yeah, I would rather not age
while time is paused. Okay, we'll say that next
time. I thought you said you weren't going to
be the monkey's paw guy. Shut up. Sorry. I wish
to retcon the name Mesmerize. Oh, good one. That's
a bad one. I wasted mine. That's a bad wish.
Well, too bad. That's all you get because I've
been stuck on this for the last minute and a
half. So I haven't thought of another thing.
So that's it. That's it. That's it. That's all
you got for me. That's it. Big and powerful genie.
All right, you know what? Let me show you guys
what a real wish looks like, okay? Sure, yeah.
Let me show you guys real, because you're over
there with your selfish, you know, I want to
make time stop so I can have more fun in my life.
Fine, you know what? You have your selfish one
wish. I was just saying, you know you can read
into puzzles without a wish. One reality bending
wish. I don't have the fucking time for that.
Jeremy, you can't talk. You just want to change
a cool name into a bad name. I didn't say change
it. I just said. Let me tell you the perfect
wish. Everyone, you listening? I'm not talking
about you guys. Everyone. You in your car. You
at work. You doing chores. Stop what you're doing.
Listen to this. It's the perfect wish. You cannot
change the world in any meaningful way without
creating a domino effect, destroying everything,
right? I want to feed everyone. Well, somehow
that's going to cause everything to go wrong.
You know, markets are going to collapse. People
are going to lose jobs. Bad things happen. So
what if you make the world better without actually
changing anything at all? My one wish is this.
This is actually serious. This is a serious wish.
It's not funny. I wish it was. So in the moment
of death. When someone dies, kind of morbid.
When someone dies or something dies, any animal,
any living thing at all, I wish that there would
be an everlasting moment, a time stop, if you
will, and you can respect that, Stephen, of just
pure bliss, pure joy, pure love, just to make
every bad life worth it, every poor experience
better. Now, stipulation, it has to happen after
pure, full, true death. Otherwise, we're going
to see a lot of like, hey, you know, I want to
get that high. No, we're not doing that. Pure,
full death. I've thought about this a lot. You
know, I think lots of people have thought about
this a lot, David. Okay. What are you going to
say? Do it. Do it. Go ahead. What? What are you
talking about? You're going to pitch a discord.
No, you just did. I thought you were going to
say, oh, a lot of people have thought about this
a lot, David. How about you guys, the fat pants
people, get on the Discord. Yes, we have a Discord.
David, it sounds a lot like heaven. No, okay,
but it's for a moment. You know what? Fine. You
just get a taste of heaven. You get a taste of
heaven and then it goes away. That's fine. Or
it goes on forever. All I want is for happiness
to exist for everybody for a moment. Make it
all worth it. You can't change the world because
then you're going to get those monkey's paw bad
things happen that you don't expect. Butterfly
effect. Maybe it does. Maybe it does. God, we're
getting super serious. Maybe it does. All right?
Just saying. Your wish is just heaven but worse.
You know what? Not as good heaven. Better wish
than yours. You get to see it and then you get
to take it away. Hey, who has the best wish?
Get in the Discord. Hey, there you go. Get on
the Discord. I wish for you to join the Discord.
That's our one wish, is that you join the Discord
and tell us your one wish. God. I had one wish
fulfilled this week. Very minor wish. We are
working on a new computer. Old Pants Pewter,
which I received right before, maybe he's in
Broadswords, has passed away. Enjoyed its one
blissful everlasting moment. Gone to genie heaven.
Because it fell in the slush and died. So I have
a new one now. And it's not probably as good,
but it'll do. It's certainly not covered in slush,
though. Yeah, but it's red, so that's kind of
cool. It is kind of cool when it's red. Probably
goes really fast. That adds five horsepower,
right? It does. Ah, shit. You guys want to play
some D &D? Yeah, I do. I'm a little nervous because
I didn't pick a spell that I was supposed to
pick over the course of the week. Same. We're
doing a combat right now. Same. All right, roll
for initiative. Roll for initiative. I'm going
to open this up somewhere else. I'm moving time
forward. All right? You can come at me all you
want. It's time to turn the clock a little. I
want to open up on the next night, following
our conversation with Sturgeman. Things are getting
very, very late at night at that point. I imagine
that's where you want to go back, sleep. Maybe
you stay in. We'll touch on this. I have a little
thing to give you based on this, but I want to
open up on the following night, similar time,
maybe 10 o 'clock p .m. The hour is late, and
we are in Aurora Town. We see our four characters,
Blanche, Jules, Chester, and, of course, Akio
the Akita. all moving down diamond -wrought streets,
surrounded by great sort of diamond structures.
Crystalline cables crisscrossing overhead, connecting
buildings to each other in the corners. Shades
of pulsing blue, pink, and yellow, and orange
just lighting up the night all around. And above
you, the inside of the auroral diamond has taken
on the image of a star -filled sky. It is beautiful.
Now, I imagine you've been careful to avoid going
out during the day. If you are out during the
day, No one's harassing you. No one's coming
after you. Again, the paparazzi don't seem to
be interested in you. The shield bearers don't
seem to be interested in you. But you're definitely
getting a lot of looks. People moving away. People
whispering. People just being uncomfortable.
But here you are. No people around now. Except
for down the street ahead as you approach your
destination. There you see quite a large line
of peoples are snaking out into the street, all
moving towards one structure, a multi -story
penthouse, sort of rectangular in shape, again,
fully diamond -wrought. This one seems to be
shining brighter than the others around it. As
people are funneled in, a door slides open ahead.
You can barely hear some very loud, very pulsing,
vibrant... music. Because you are approaching
what is called Handsome House. The penthouse
of Handsome Jai and the center stage for the
greatest parties ever known to the Concord worlds.
And this one's been going on for days. Will be
going on for days. These things do not end. And
as you move to enter this line, as you move towards
the chaos and the music and the lights, I want
to flashback real quick. To one night ago, to
the inside of the pale moonlight, as you're all
sitting around that fancy cooking table, the
beautiful water tanks, fish tanks all around
the edges of the room, everything is sort of
darkened and Sturge Man, still helmet off, sits
with you, probably way too comfortable, arms
kind of around Blanche and Jules, like right
in between you two, as he continues his sort
of line there. Have you heard of the luminary
Handsome Jai? Rune has Handsome Jai on the hook,
like he does a lot of people. It would be tough
to get Rune or his people now that they are allied
with Antaj. I would expect celestial protection,
of course, but Jai is not nearly so hard to reach.
His place in the rural town Handsome House is
pretty much open to anyone. From what I've heard,
there is some kind of secret room, a VIP lounge,
where Jai regularly meets with Rune's goblin
to receive orders and make payments. The goblin
has some kind of secret key in. I've never been
in there myself, though I can't say more than
that. I also don't know exactly what dirt Rune
has on Jai. Only that has to do with the Taib
civil war. Handsome Jai was a major player during
that horrid affair. Perhaps he too has done...
dark things in the name of something greater.
And he kind of looks over at you, Jules, and
I think like you see this, his face for a second
kind of takes this neutral, thoughtful expression.
He nods. I suppose I cannot judge him, just as
I cannot really judge Atash. I had been concerned
over Atash utilizing runes, particular talents,
but... I think our old friend, Chef Fyodor, would
agree that you must break eggs to make omelette.
No? If the end justifies the means, then. Kind
of leaves that dangling. He stands very suddenly,
like right up in the seat, kind of like leaps
up. He's kind of like standing crouched on the
sort of back of the seat. Kind of looks out the
windows, nods. I will return to Nuari now. My
sister, wise as she is, will need my secret counsel
to best usher our world into a brighter tomorrow.
I... I don't think I like what you're doing,
Jules. I know that you have a right to clear
your names, all of you, to reach the source of
these lies, but Rune is an agent of Atash now,
a finger of the Sunweaver's hand. No, I don't
like what you're... doing, but nonetheless, I
will not stand in your way. I... I owe you that
much at least. I only hope you show the proper
discretion in your current mission. Well, just
like you, we won't do anything that we don't
think is right. Good. I couldn't ask for any
less. Any more. Now then, take care, my friends.
And... Just sort of moving and stepping backwards.
You see this figure almost seems to just phase.
Of course he does. Into the shadows. No sound
heard. And you just kind of feel the presence
is gone. And so I have skipped time forward to
this moment to Handsome House. To a big ol' romping
Handsome House party. I both hate that and love
it. I have a question. Yeah. Aren't we supposed
to go meet Sholay? That is... Oh, yeah, that's
actually later tonight, isn't it? It's 11 o 'clock?
It's 9 o 'clock now. Okay. Two hours. We're the
first ones there. That seems fine. Yeah, it seems...
No, this party's been happening for days. Oh,
gotcha. It's 8 .30. I don't care. I don't care
anymore. I don't care. Actually, you know, that's
probably why you're here. You know you have to
meet Sholay afterwards. It's kind of like, hey,
let's slot in, you know, our romp in a handsome
house, meet Jai, maybe try to catch Goblin, find
out when the time is, and try to catch Trace.
You kind of line it all up so you can show up
in rural town, do all your things at once, you
know, knock out that shopping list. Now, because
I skipped fine time forward, two things. Flashbacks
are back in effect. You had a whole day to prep
for this. You had time to get ready for this.
And I'm going to get each of you a free one since
I'm kind of, you know, I did this. I kind of
put you in this position where, you know, maybe
you might have done something, but I want to
just do things. So free flashback for each of
you. Nice. Beyond that, a button for more further
flashbacks. And I have one more thing. One more
thing I meant to do like two episodes ago and
then one episode ago and it never happened and
I want to do it tonight because tonight it might
matter. I want to level you guys up to seventh
level. Hell yeah. Oh yeah. So let's talk about
seventh level, gentlemen. Let's talk. I'll real
quick. Just to let you know what the sidekicks
have got going on. The two that are with you
now, Chester now has 46 HP. He also has gained
an ability called Ambush. He has a plus two bonus
to initiative rolls, and he gets advantage of
any attack rolls against any creature that hasn't
taken a turn in combat yet. So if he goes before
somebody, advantage on the attack. That's great.
He's more likely to go before somebody. And very
similarly, Olakio is now sitting at a whopping
53 HP. And has a little thing called Battle Readiness,
which is just straight advantage on initiative
rolls. Nice. That's great. Nice. Hey, Chester's
sheet is gone from mine. Nuts. You switched it
to Arhalon. That did happen. Okay, right. Yes,
I'll give it back. I'll give it back. Arhalon's
not here. He's still hanging out. See you later,
Arhalon. See you later, Arhalon. We'll get you
back later. Also, I actually had a curiosity.
Chester's with you now. You were planning on
potentially getting that sidekick paperwork filled
out. Did you do it? Did it happen during this
day span since we last saw you guys? Yeah, I
think so. I think Chester's been annoying the
shit out of Jules to get it done as quick as
possible. I mean, you were on your way to Rolton.
You've been hanging out here for a minute before,
and it's like, come on, Jules, just real quick.
We'll go in there. We'll fill out the paperwork.
I'll be a sidekick. Come on. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah,
all right. So he's, like, beaming right now.
He's got a little sidekick license. He's, like,
flipping between his fingers, make it disappear.
It's another hand now. Ooh, what's that behind
your ear? Yeah. Chester. Yeah, what? If you die,
I'm going to kill you. Oh, no. All right, no.
No death. I got it. So as awkward as the social
arena has been around us, imagine how awkward
it is in the Radiant Citadel equivalent of the
DMV. Like showing up to get... Hey, a license.
Actually, this is what you think too. Chester
gets a psychic license. He's over there all excited.
You're watching this bladge and you kind of feel
like a presence beside you. And you just looked
at these big puppy eyes looking at you. A sidekick.
Is there any reason we can't make Akio a sidekick?
The fantasy DMV definitely. raises some eyebrows,
they go over some rules, hit the books real fast,
talk to their managers, and they're like, I mean,
yeah, he's awakened, so full sapience, full rights
as a person, yeah. It can be done. I mean, there
is after all a fairy dragon sidekick, handsome
Jai has one, so I guess there's really rest in
set. What is this? Ruff, what does a sidekick
do? Well, now you have the ability to freely
travel between the worlds and Blanche hooks his
sidekick license on like a dog tag on his collar.
He's lost, returned to. The master of defense.
Aw, Akio. So Akio also just very happily jingling
on the collar. You guys are moving down the street
towards... Handsome House. Are we going to roll
HP? Yeah, are you going to skip out of level
again? Oh, right. I'm doing that. Yeah, I forgot.
I did my part. He was looking for music, wasn't
he? Yeah, he was. He was looking for Handsome
House music. Damn, I was. All right, well, music's
gone. We'll get back to that. Let's do HP. Let's
do HP. I guess you guys could have more HP. Wow.
Let's do HP, and let's talk about your level
ups. I imagine you guys probably haven't picked
spells yet, because I only gave you four weeks.
Nope. Yeah. I forgot. No, I haven't yet. I forgot
six times. Well, but also, you said that we had
time to prepare for all of this. And then you
said we might need it. Yeah. So, like, maybe
we can pause for five or ten minutes and I can,
like, prep my spells now that I know what we're
going into. Nah. No? Nah, yeah, you can't. Fine.
Of course you can. Of course you can. I'm not
so mean. I'm not so mean. Okay. I'm going to
roll hit points. I'm going to roll my d6. Blanche
started off. Level six with 44, I think we figured
out the other day. Makes sense to me. Five. Six.
Wowee. Pazowie. Up to 50 HP. Nice. Excellent.
It's going to be tough to kill that one. All
right. Jules is starting at 52. 52. I don't know
why we got this. D8? D8, sir. Four. Three. Goddamn.
All right. Steven took my good luck. Anything
you want to share about this level up? Anything
cool going on? I know your spells are out there
still, but any new class features? Anything cool
like that? The only exciting thing for Blanche
is a fourth level spell slot. Okay. Yeah, that's
the exact same thing that Jules got. We don't
have fourth levels yet. Is that new? No, that's
new. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, there's crazy stuff in
here. What is that going to be like? Banishment's
in here. Blight is in here. Control water is
in here, dimension door, a bunch of stuff. I
only have one slot for fourth, but it's got everything
from... Take your time. It's got cure wounds,
dispel magic, dissonant whispers, all the good
stuff. All the uses. All the uses. Exciting,
sexy. Healing word, fourth level. Yeah, buddy.
4D, 4 plus 4, 60 feet. There's going to be some
wild stuff. There's going to be some wild stuff
at the fourth level. Sweet. Hell yeah. Do we
want to pause for a couple minutes and pick spells?
If you want to, sure. Do you have spells? Is
there spells? Yes. I've prepped my spells for
the day. We picked a fourth level spell each.
Am I going to get to know what those are or are
you going to surprise me? Absolutely not. Okay.
Let's keep it silent. I love it. I love it. I
think we picked some pretty fun ones that will
be fun to whip out when the time is right. Yeah.
All right. Whip it out. Speaking of whipping
it out. It's time to enter the wildest rager
of a party you've ever seen in your lives. You're
stepping up to the main line leading into the
sort of opening door. Probably a couple of sort
of bouncers hanging out outside. They're always
on retainer here. You guys hear it. A thrum of
energy. Just like regular rippling out through
the streets. Every house near here hates Handsome
John. or they're at the party one of the two
it's like one of those like uh you know those
like youtubers who are like 20 and they're millionaires
and they have these beautiful houses and it's
just a constant party and all the like old rich
people who live in the neighborhood hate them
you actually see like a sign above the door here
promoting uh karagar concoctions alchemy for
all to see uh the current uh um What's the word?
Patron for Handsome Jai. Kargar's the capital
of Taib, the city of the new empress, and Kargar
Concoctions is the highest sort of alchemy concoction,
whatever, purveyor throughout all the worlds.
You know, a lot of good stuff going there. Handsome
Jai's got the hookup to all the great magic hems.
And there's probably some pretty fun stuff going
on inside, too, involving those chemicals. You're...
Moving up, what do you want to do? Do you want
to go in the back of the line as you kind of
start stepping out of the shadows into the sort
of flashing lights that really show this house
is separated from the others? People look back
and see you, Jules LaRoche, Blanche Trudeau,
getting absolutely destroyed on the network.
And there's definitely some people moving away,
some people whispering. How do you want to approach
this thing? Dude, I just had this cool image
in my head with this music that's going. Just
the four of us emerging from the shadows. You
got Jules and Chester, and then you got Blanche
with Akio just, like, looking fierce. The music's
really loud. Oh, goddammit. Whoa, hey, come on,
be cool. Hey, dog. Right? Akio, whatever. Be
cool. Jules, be cool. You're always cool. Blanche,
be cool. Blanche already has her earplugs in.
I'm always cool. Oh, do you have more of those,
Ruff? Yeah, Blanche flops Akio's ears over, hooks
him up with some earplugs. Oh, my God. Jules'
lute starts to go like a strobe light. Oh, oh,
shit. People see that? Nod a little bit. Yeah.
Someone's like, hey, this guy's came to party.
Well, I guess we're not going in through the
back door. No back door. Oral townhouses are
locked up tight, generally speaking. There's
almost no door. You have to reach up, rub a pattern
on the actual door, hit a certain pattern, and
usually there's a passphrase, and it'll slide
open. So it's hard to get in somewhere here.
Except for this place, because this place is
open to anyone looking to have a good time. Well,
we're not going in under disguise or anything
at this point, so might as well just step in
line. Do you want to flashback and do disguises?
I'll let you. It's going to be hard when you're
a turtle. Yeah, exactly. There are two turtle
luminaries and very few other turtles go to the
Citadel. Yeah, it's going to take us like the
rest of the 30 minutes of this episode to figure
out what we're all going to be wearing, what
Akio's going to be wearing. Yeah, exactly. What
color my mustache is going to be. I have a bow
tie. Yeah, that's a great disguise. I mean, we
should just walk in like we own the place. Okay.
Act like we belong. You begin to move up. People
are going to say, strobe light Luke going, people
start to slide out of the way, parting like the
Red Sea or whatever as you move up towards the
door. Bouncer kind of takes a long look. What
are you here for? Obvious recognition in his
eyes. Just big, big dude. Well, I think we could
use a night to unwind. Huge, pearly smile cracks.
You came to the right place, sister. And the
door slides open. As Blanche walks past this
guy, she hands him a breath mint. And she winks.
She winks at him like, you know, a knowing glance.
She's like, this will make you go wild, son.
You step into boom flashing lights a wave of
churning dancing people music. Absolutely Blaring
you move through just catch on the sort of barest
voices around you see like this little floor.
Yeah, Rufus There's actually a second floor balcony.
People are dancing. There's like liquid spraying
down over you is like bottles are going There's
a quarter people in the corner. There's like
one back room You can kind of make out people
are just super sort of like benched out all over
like couches all over the place and there you're
passing like side rooms people just Like, totally
down. There are naked people sitting on naked
people all over the place. There's a pile in
the corner. You don't want to go near that corner.
Get out of that corner. Don't even look at that
corner. Akio's like, oh, I smell weird things
in that corner. You pull them away. You keep
moving. I can't forget to label this episode
as explicit. It's going to get worse. It's going
to get worse. Oh, God. Buckle up. But you start
catching, like, voices around you. You know,
again, people whispering, people looking. But
as you kind of step in, people also seem to kind
of, like, calm and nod. Like, oh, no, they're
here. We don't bring the outside in here. This
is where we party. And they're kind of, like,
nod, you know, keep moving, keep grooving. And
just hear, like, all around, like, woo -hoo,
yeah! Come on, let's dance again. Oh, yes, that
is radical. Just voices around. What are you
laughing about? What are you laughing about?
I heard it. It's just like the interpretation
of what a rager is like through the eyes of somebody
who very clearly doesn't ever go to raging parties.
This is the ragiest party. You think you know
what a rager is? You don't, because it's this.
I got a rager right now just thinking about this.
Oh, yeah. That was so radical. This music is
totally tubular. I was doing something there.
Come on. Oh, my God. Jeremy caught it. It's so
funny. Yeah, I caught it. You caught it. What?
What'd you catch? Radical. Radical. What's the
significance of the word radical in that weird?
Tell him, David. He already forgot our live show.
Tell him, David. Jules, because Jeremy recognized
it, I'll say Jules immediately whips his head
around because you're like, There's one person
I've heard say that in that exact accent many
times before. Tanya Ivanka. Gotcha. The younger
sister of Mesmerize. Huh. Perhaps you're looking
around that direction, Jules. You're trying to
catch who that voice belonged to. And you know
Tanya is very young, especially for an elf. And
you're trying to find someone like that, probably
someone short. And you do see a young woman,
but this one... maybe in her early 20s, pale
skin, pretty with wavy blonde hair and a bright
green dress. But there is something about her
that looks very familiar. And it's the early
20s in looks, elf ears, so older than that possibly.
Elves are weird. It's hard to really age them.
Do you want me to roll something about it? You
don't need to. You caught it as a person. I want
to say, like, you realize. You see that and you're
like, okay, something weird's here. What do you
want to do? Everything crazy all around you.
Chester's just like, holy shit. Can I go? Chester,
no, you cannot. All right. Well, all right. No,
you cannot. Fine. Hey, it's fine. Sidekick 101.
You stay by my side. By your side. Hey, that
makes sense. Yeah, it does. We'll get to the
kicking part later, huh? Yeah. Don't make me
revoke your license. No, hey. I will stay by
your side. He was just like yelling really loudly,
howling. What are you doing? Jules walks over
to her. You walk over. I think she's facing away
from you. And he just feels like a presence.
I guess there's a lot of presence all around,
but he just kind of feels you move up. And she
turns an eye towards you. And you see, oh, shit.
And looks away. What's up? Oh, hello. Hi. What
are you doing here? I don't know who you are.
Do you look familiar? You're a luminary, yes?
Of the network. Is she trying to, like, not...
She looks super fidgety and awkward. Like, oh
shit, they clocked me. Is she just a kid who's
trying to enjoy a party? Or is she here for,
like, some legit reason and she's trying not
to get, like, figured out? What brings you here?
I'm just having fun. I am... You might say new
to the Citadel, so I have come here to enjoy
myself alone and no one else is with me. You're
going to roll a dice? Yes. Roll insight about
it? Yes. Roll insight. You don't need to roll
high at all. It was a three on the die. Oh my
god. Plus one. Did that hit it with the... I
mean... Was it that low? No. His face perked
up when I said plus one. You can't gather more
about it, but you're just thinking like, okay,
there's, I mean, clearly there's something going
on here. So then after she says that, Jules will
say, okay, and he'll slowly turn back around
and he'll turn his head back. I've got my eyes
on you. She kind of gawks for a second and kind
of looks around. Oh, one minute. She's like,
let me do this one, this top one. She's like,
I'll be right back. I have to see the room. Appreciate
the mesmerized joke. It was good. It was great.
I love it. I love it. I think I'll give you a
button. You're hesitant. You're hesitant. I'm
not even going to stick out my hand. You're halfway
there. I feel like you earned it. for recognizing
the voice. Thank you. That's the other half.
Thank you. That's the other half. That's pretty
good. I was surprised that you didn't do it then.
You're right. You know what? I was just too excited.
If you're excited, you feel a presence move right
up behind you. A hand kind of grabs you. I think
just out of reflex, Jules reaches up and grabs
the wrist. faces because the wrist is actually
very small. There's like an illusioning place
to make her look just a little bit taller. Like
a foot taller or so. Um, you know who I am then.
Hi. It's nice to see you again, Jules. What are
you doing here? Okay. Well, uh, um, it is fine.
You are friends with my sister, yes? Yes, she
told me. You are collaborators in the battle
against the Runera Song. I found her, by the
way. She is alive. But you knew that. She told
me you knew that, so thanks for telling me. Slugger.
I kid, it's fine. You had orders. So, Yara's
here. She's here tonight, right now. In fact,
she's in the VIP lounge. She was chosen by, you
know, him, Handsome Jai. She's waiting it out.
The goblin, Rune's goblin, Therese, he's coming
tonight to meet with Handsome Jai. And Yara,
she's gonna send Rune a message. She's going
to kill him. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Uh -huh. And she's
looking at him super excitedly, just like, she's
going to kill him right here tonight in the VIP
room. So it's good. I'm just sort of waiting
it out now for her. What time is Trace getting
here? 10 .30, I believe, is the usual time. Yara
had some dealings with them back in the day,
so she knows a bit of Rune's schedule, and it
does not change much. Is it earlier than 10 .30
because you originally prepped 10 o 'clock, but
we decided it was more like 8 o 'clock because
we have to meet Xole at 11? 10 o 'clock. I was
wrong about the time. How did Yara get into the
VIP room? Well, she put the moves on Handsome
Jai. He always picks one to, you know. Like these
kinds of moves? And Blanche starts to, like,
really awfully robotically dance? No. Not remotely.
Well, how do you think we could get back there?
Oh, you want to help? I mean, Sister does not
need help. She has poison and drugs and all the
things she would need to keep Handsome Jai, you
know, distracted and end the goblin. But if you
want to go, she... I did not see where she went,
to be honest. I did not see the room. I've been
looking around for it. I cannot find it, but...
I know she was going there with Handsome Jai.
There was a lizardfolk, one of his sidekicks.
They call them party lords here. Sexy Evan, that's
the name. Sexy what? Evan. Sexy Evan? Evan. Evan?
Yes. So, correct me if I'm wrong, we want Trace,
right? Yeah, I'm not like... I'm just going along
to get to the VIP lounge. Yeah, I'm just trying
to think of what Jules is going to do. Okay.
I think we have to at least play along long enough
to get into the VIP lounge, and then we can do
our... I'm also thinking in the direction of
not even letting Trace get to the VIP lounge.
Doesn't he have a secret key to get in, though?
He's got a secret key, so he probably isn't...
I thought there was only a front door. I thought
there was only a front door. There's only one
front door. Maybe he's in the room. Where's the
VIP lounge? That's the real question. Right.
God, so yeah. I just don't want to get in another
fight with mesmerized. Well, last time. I think
we can. And handsome Jai. I'm thinking and hoping
that we can avoid a fight. Yeah. Yeah. So we
just got to get there before Trace arrives. Yes.
And control the scene. Where's the room at? I
want to... Catch up a little bit and maybe lend
a hand. I don't know where the room is, but I
could tell you where sexy Evan is. I saw him.
He kind of looks around. It's probably so weird
for her because she looks a little taller than
she is. So he's trying to kind of raise a hand
up and sort of point this way. It kind of points
towards maybe the northwest or back corner of
this whole establishment. I mean, probably in
the northeast, you see there's a dancing floor.
Everyone's gone kind of wild over there. Sort
of in that direction, things seem to be a little
more sparse, a little calmer. There's maybe some
tables set out. People are just kind of sitting
back, drinking. I have a little bit of an idea
that might help. Uh -huh. Chester. Oh, yes, good.
Do you think you can put an ear to the ground
and... Try to learn what sort of things someone
can do that would catch the attention of Handsome
Jai and get them admitted to the VIP lounge?
Yeah, you want me to take a second and do my
thing? Do your thing, Justin. All right, hey,
stay cool. But hey. What? You come right back
to my side. Be right back, yeah. All right, hey.
No indulging. What, Jules? No indulging. Gotta
fit in. Gotta be cool. All right, hey, no indulging.
No indulging. Psychic. Blanche hands him one
of her breath mints. There you go. This will
help you fit in. What? She, like, takes it and
puts it in the center of her tongue like she's
taking drugs or something like that. She's like,
it looks really cool, doesn't it? Gives you a
wink. And just kind of measures in her crowd.
I think, Tanya, I wish you luck, but I should
continue sort of my perusing as well. I want
to be ready for my sister when she comes back.
But if you can find me, I will do what I can
to help you. How do you plan to prepare for when
she comes back? What's your plan? Basically to
run if we need to run. Okay, I'm confused by
your plan. Seems like there isn't really much
of one. The best plans, the most radical plans,
are no plans. We are figuring that out. Do we
want to walk to that back corner? Yeah. See if
we can talk our way in. Yeah. I have an idea.
Okay. All right. It's stupid. Not in like a,
this is going to get us hurt way. Just, it might
be stupid. Okay. That's great. You guys are sliding
through. Strobilites shining down on you. Again,
people starting to kind of part ahead of you.
Akio's kind of clicking. I think you see he starts
like grooving a little bit. Like, oh, it is infectious
help. My head is bobbing. No, you're fitting
right in. Oh, good. I don't see any of the dogs
here. And you guys move. Move out of sort of
like the main sort of thoroughfare here. You
kind of slide out to the side where there's a
little less people, less traffic, you know, kind
of bumping uglies with everyone you pass. Definitely
like there's a few sort of people kind of seeing
you, Jules. And oh my gosh, is that? It is. I
can fix him. I can fix him. Oh my God. Just sort
of whispering your way. You slide towards, away
from the sort of crowd, away from the eyes, towards
this back area where you stand and you see like
a number of tables and benches. People are just
kind of sort of hanging out here, taking their
drinks. I mean, it's probably like, imagine every
party. I mean, because I know parties. I know
that every party has got a sort of chill section
for when you want to just kind of sit down and
put your arms around people or something. I see
it in TV shows. I don't know. I don't care. I
don't care. I don't care. As you're moving through
this area, your eyes are drawn towards one particular
figure. I think there's a bit of a crowd sort
of built up in a circle around this one. Maybe
there's a card game being played at a table and
someone just smashes the table and kind of steps
away. And as they move out of the way, you kind
of see a lizard folk. With pale gray, almost
white scales, huge muscular arms judging out
from kind of a portly body, kind of a bright,
easy smile. This figure just kind of sits, you
know, clawed hands holding cards or dropping
on the table. And with sort of a cheer, everyone
kind of, you know, laughs along, cheers along.
And this figure's eyes kind of look up, sort
of dark amber eyes that catch the two of you.
widen just a little and then kind of one claw
raises and gestures you over. We're in. You don't
need to say it, Blanche. It's a lot cooler if
we just do it. Yeah, Blanche is definitely following
Jules' lead here. I love that. What does it look
like as you guys are moving around? I'm curious
how your general demeanor is in this place. Dude.
I feel so badass right now. I just think Jules,
he's like fucking Neo walking through the club.
Oh, God, yes. Like, yeah. He's just badass. Oh,
my gosh. I love it. I love it. Blanche doesn't
know quite how to fit in. Like, she's looking
around a little too much. You only get a couple
of, like, aren't you a little old to be here?
No. Every time she's met with that sort of interaction.
She pulls her breath mints out and she's like,
have you had these? They're from Noiri. Do you
think you can party with the master of defense?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And she's like handing these
out. It's just like such a big grandma energy.
She's handing out breath mints. Well, not with
the... I know. I know. As you guys are moving
in, one thing you might want to do, actually,
is make a history check on this figure. This
is a figure of some note that you might know
about. Just kind of this sort of general luminary
history. Only an eight. I also got an eight.
Oh, my God. You don't know. You don't know this
figure. Of course we don't. You don't know a
lot about Handsome Jai. I guess he's just not
really tuned in. Not really my scene. You guys
move up. the crowd sort of parts and the figure
again just this big almost predatory smile uh
taking you in kind of gestures towards the other
side of the table it's like a bench table you
know he's on one side there's one side there
cards are kind of thrown out but he sort of cleans
up the cards and slides them into a very very
easily into a deck you guys been playing mancala
That sounds like a Blanche line. I came to the
club to play Mancala. I still have no idea what
Mancala is. Jules LaRoche. Take a seat. Looks
over. Blanche Trudeau. You're as beautiful as
they say. Looks at your weird tortle hair. Tell
me. Talk is cheek. And she hands him a breath
mint. Jules takes a chair. I'm glad you cut that
off. He doesn't say what he's going to say. It's
fine. It's good. It's better this way. I'm sure
it wasn't going to be creepy. No, no. Jules takes
the chair and turns it around and sits with his
arms over the bed. Oh, shit. Roll performance.
There's a bench, but you know what? Okay. Fine.
He takes the bench. He takes the bench and turns
it around. Everyone gets out of the way as you
kind of slowly get up and slide. So dumb. So,
what brings you two out here? Not many luminaries
come out this way, not apart from, you know,
the man himself. Do we need an excuse to come
party? No, not at all. Just curious. I'm... Sexy
Ivan. Lord of Games, they call me. Handsome Jai's
sidekick. Oh, okay. Good to know. Wait a minute.
Didn't we hear earlier something about a pixie?
Yeah. Was his sidekick? Handsome Jai actually
has many sidekicks. Oh. His old squad mates from
back in the Civil War days have all become sidekicks
for him now. In this modern era. Partying. Back
in my day, everyone only had one sidekick. Oh,
wait a minute. We have multiple sidekicks. Yeah,
we do. We just use one at a time. You actually
don't register. Oh, fuck. Yeah. You each only
have one registered sidekick, interestingly enough.
Though you have multiple that you kind of use
mechanically, not narratively. Sure. Yeah. We're
getting caught in the weeds. Caught in the weeds.
You see also, like, just before him on the table,
there's one side you see the cards, and on the
other side there's this, like, an oil lamp emitting
this, like, rainbow pulsing kind of flame. Kind
of casting this entire table, and then especially
sort of bright light. How old is Handsome Jai?
Handsome Jai's quite young. Handsome Jai would
be in his late 20s, early 30s. Okay. Half elf,
actually. So he's older. Older than that, yeah.
We grew tired of partying with all the teeny
boppers, and we thought that maybe we could enjoy
the company of some peers. Yeah, dead drugs were
a little too hard for this one. Hey, these, she
shakes a little, will knock you on your ass.
I think he just looks at the two of you and just
kind of goes under the table and lies down. All
right. So what are you looking for? Playing some
games? That's sort of my thing, but if you're
looking for, I mean, stronger stuff, Floutfember
in the back room there, there's nothing stronger
than his breath. Or, well. Is that a sex thing?
No, no, that's the other room. I'm just not sure
what you're insinuating. You'll find out. Jules,
I don't know, or Jeremy, I don't know how to
ask for the back room without sounding like a
total narc. It's like narc city over here. Where
did the real cool people go? People like us.
You wanted the VIP room. Let's cut to the chase.
We brought a dog and a teenager, if that helps.
I'm afraid I can't help you. Handsome Jai's taking
some company. I... It wouldn't be cool for me
to interrupt, right? Okay, so what do we have
to offer that would be worth an interruption?
Are you able to go in there still? Do you have
access? I could ask for access. You're the sexy
guy. Who do you have to ask for access? I'm a
sidekick. Handsome Jai's... My squad leader.
My captain. I'd ask him. Does Handsome Jai know
that we're here? By now, he probably does. Give
me an insight check on the last one. Just a 10.
15. 15 will just do it. Oh, thank goodness. What
he says, by now, he probably does. Uh -huh. His
eyes slide down to the table, to the lamp. him
back up to you. Jules wants to pick up the lamp
and say something into the lamp. I bet you don't
need to pick it up. I bet you could just... Well,
I know, but he wants to pick it up for effect.
Jules will pick up the lamp. Is there a diamond
or a mic? It's just magic. No diamond. No mic.
Actually, I'll say, you reach over the lamp and
I immediately... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hand
goes out. This scaly, You get burly hand. Am
I crazy in thinking that he's listening through
this? No, he's watching. He's watching or listening
through it. But I think trying to pick it up
is... Give me an Arcana check either if you can.
Okay. This is fun. As you're kind of looking
down this, you see like the very defensive part
of your way because the lamp is almost like moved
over. 19. 16. I think a 19 will clinch this for
you. 16. You realize... There's something more
to this, at least, Jules. Something more to that
lamp. But Blanche, as you look down at this,
pieces begin to fall together. Handsome Jai's
a warlock of the genie. Ah. Oh, shit. The lamp
is the VIP room. Yep. Gotcha. Yep. And it's being
guarded. Okay. The lamp sort of slides back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't let you do that.
Again, we don't want to interrupt them. If they
don't want to be interrupted, they're not listening.
I'm just imagining that. Handsome Jai would probably
be upset if he didn't know a couple of VIPs walked
through the front door. Big smile. You want to
be VIPs? You want to be someone that Handsome
Jai can't miss out on? Someone maybe worth bothering
him over? He kind of thinks for a second, smiles
again, just this never, yeah, this is constantly
growing, you know, draconic lizard folk smile
that's just a little too long, too arched. The
Midnight Prince. has other late -night engagements,
and he could walk out of this room and it would
be your fault. Yet so far, all you've done is
bring your bad mojo in with you. Now, come on,
I'm tuned into what's going on. Does Yara know
we're here, too? Like I said, I can't say for
sure. If they're watching, they're watching.
If they're not, they're not. They can see what's
going on out here if the blinds aren't drawn,
if you know what I mean. Closed. Are drawn. What's
the one? I think drawn is close. All right, cool.
Thanks. Hey, that was cool of you to answer that
question for me. You're on the right track. Why
are you pointing to me? He did it. She did it.
Let me tell you what. You bring some life to
this party. You impress me, the other sidekicks.
I'll let you in. At least I'll get Jai's attention.
I could do that much. Man, I might have a stupid,
crazy, Okay. Yeah, I mean, if you can find a
way around this, do it. He's basically putting
out there, hey, impress the three party lords,
the sidekicks, but if you got something else.
If you got something else, I'm eager to hear
it. I got something viral. I think I got something
viral. What does that even mean? Okay. You're
too old. Damn. Blanche gets down. We're doing
party lingo. I forgot. Blanche gets down on her
hands and knees and looks under the table. Whoa.
Akio. Yes, yes, master. That's that dancing you
were doing earlier. Let's go to the floor and
show them something extra special. Okay. What?
So if Akio gets up and walks over to the dance
floor, Blanche is going to cast haste on him
for extra movement speed, make him move super
fast. Now, before you do this. Uh -huh. I love
this idea. I think it's really cool. Yeah. I
want to make sure you're doing this for the right
audience. He basically said like, hey, if you
impress the other people. You want to make sure
you're impressing one of these people with this,
right? Sure. I kind of assume that everybody's
watching the dance floor. This place is huge.
It's a huge penthouse, multiple rooms, upper
balcony. There is a sort of major dance floor
on the other side, and perhaps there's someone
there to impress. I think this is a really cool
idea. I want to see this happen. I want to make
sure it happens in the right context to make
this fucking go. Sure. Well, if I can pull this
off at the main dance floor, then... Like, even
if somebody's not watching, I'm thinking and
hoping that the reactions of other people will
draw attention. Okay. So... So, yeah, that makes
sense. I like that a lot. Akio, are you telling
him to go dance? Well, kind of, sort of. We're
sitting there, we're huddling up at the edge
of the dance floor, and Blanche is trying to,
like, explain, like, you know, do this, do that,
blah, blah, blah, whatnot. And... Basically what
I'm trying to do is make like a breakdancing
dog. So I'm going to use the haste spell and
Blanche is also going to use like mage hand on
the side to like help spin him. Dude, while you
do that. Yeah. Jules from his hands is creating
a mist. Hell yeah. Out onto the floor and he
turns his loot and it begins like making lasers
across. So DJ dance dog. Yeah, exactly. I love
it. So I'm going to do a few things with this.
First of all, sexy having over there. You just
kind of get up and walk away? Yeah, I mean, something
like, well, all right, let's see how much attention
we can grab and change these bad vibes around,
as you say. While Jules is standing there around
the dance floor, he's constantly looking over
in that direction, though. Okay. He's not taking
his eyes off him. All right, yeah, I think he
kind of smiles, nods as you kind of leave. and
those eyes do seem to follow you. I mean, of
course, broken up by people, crowds as you kind
of get farther and farther away, you're kind
of moving. Let's say this is like the, you know,
the kind of southeastern side of the room and
you're kind of moving up towards the, I think
it's the northwestern where people are kind of
gathering up. A lot of the dancing is happening.
You see a lot of people scantily clad, a lot
of, I think it was like a higher sort of stage
point. A number of people are sort of belly dancing
up there, kind of getting into it. You move to
the dance floor and You do all this stuff. I
actually want to make this more of a... I want
to make a roll here, right? Okay. I want a performance
check from Akio. Okay. I want advantage for haste.
Thank you. I want a plus two... This is hard.
I want two performance checks. One from Jules,
because of your smokescreen, your magic. One
from Akio. And I want Akio to take advantage
and plus two for the effects you're doing. Do
you want to just tell me the plus for Akio? Because
I have Jean Franklin as my sidekick. Oh, shoot.
Oh, right, because I was on Christmas sheet.
Whoops. I mean, first roll was a 17 on the die.
For performance, it's going to be flat. Not a
charismatic dog. Second roll was an 18, but it
was a plus two, so that's a dirty 20. Yeah, Jules.
With my misty mountain die. Jules also got a
dirty 20. All right. Hell yeah. Okay. That's
solid. The crowd goes wild. uh everyone just
i mean keo is just again he's really in the thrum
of the music now and so you see you kind of just
like let's just go loose haste is kind of activated
and i think at first he doesn't know how to use
this and then he's kind of just leaning into
it uh at one point he does fully just kind of
fall over and then you just kind of way mage
hand grab his tail and he's already kind of moving
so the mage hand you know pound limit doesn't
matter you're just sliding him he's and now people
are just Fog hits the floor. Everyone sort of
oohs and aahs. You look at the stage and you
see where they've been belly dancing. I think
there's a number of figures just kind of going,
and they all kind of slowly kind of stop, and
they're all watching one of them sort of in the
center. You can be in a notice now, one that
sort of stands out. You see a yuan -ti. I don't
know if you've heard of these before. They're
essentially snake folk. So you see like tan skin,
stretched sort of narrow facial features, thick
black hair. The eyes that were kind of like lost
and sort of dancing reverie kind of crack open.
You see they are this bright yellow. This is
like a lower body of a serpent that extends from
her black skirt, though her upper body is mostly
just like full female humanoid. You'll see a
gnarly scar runs from her chin all the way down
to the base of her long neck. But she... You
notice, kind of looks down, cocks a head, smiles
slightly, begins to slither down as Akio's movements
kind of suddenly sort of slow and he kind of
panting, gets back. What happened? Ruff? What
was that? I don't know what that was. And Blanche
runs over and pets him. You are breakdancing,
I believe. I broke something. Ruff? The figure
sort of slides up to you and everyone else kind
of like whispers and sort of steps away. And
she looks to you. You see she's very tall and
she kind of like props up on her like lower sort
of snake body, kind of towers over even you,
Jules. I'm cute Callie, lord of the dance. Your
dog has moved. and she kind of snaps her fingers,
and you see all the other, like, dancers slide
down as well. A number of them are Yuan -Ti,
a number of them are just full, like, human.
They begin to move up sort of behind her. They
form a line behind her, and she looks to you,
Jules, looks to you, Blanche, looks down at Kiyo
and says, I wonder if you can keep up with mine.
And we'll call it there. So it's a dance -off.
It's a dance -off! With your pants on!