Hello, Pants people. If you are listening to
this on release day, Monday, October 23rd, I,
Steven, am going to be streaming a Monster Hearts
2 game with the Evenfooting crew. If you're not
familiar with Monster Hearts, basically, it's
a bunch of horny college students, some who are
vampires, some who are ghosts. There's a whole
crazy, it's going to be wild. Go to our social
media if you want to find links for that. That's
where everything's going to be. We'll be posting
about it. Come hang out. Come say hi. And watch
me, Stephen, play a horny college student. The
first part of a luminary spotlight. Now, we've
heard it time and time again. Luminaries are
made by their backstories. The more interesting
or mysterious, the more people will accept a
new luminary entering the spotlight. When it
comes to mysterious backstories, we have a number
of extreme cases. Sturge Man, of course, is known
for being unknown. It's a big part of his identity.
What people tend not to discuss, however, is
the incredibly mysterious origins of the mighty
Pig Man. Here's a case of a luminary being discovered
by their sponsor before entering the main scene.
Now, it's not unheard of for a company or even
a kingdom to raise a hero up to be presented
before our worlds, to represent them on the network.
It is rare, though. And ten years ago, when the
pigman was first introduced, it's been practically
unheard of. Where did Marfil find this incredible
figure? What face is hidden beneath that Lucha
Libre mask? These questions burn in us all, yet
Marvel Ironworks is unlikely to never answer
these questions for us. And rightly so, for it
is in this mystery that the legend of the Pink
Man is truly born. What you got, Steven? Yeah,
you're... Set us off, Steven. So, David, you're
wearing your Monroe's Family Restaurant shirt.
I am wearing my... Riveting. This is a wonderful
banter. No, keep going. I like this. All right,
fuck you guys. Nice shirt, David. Fuck you guys.
You want to talk about something? Go ahead. Steven.
All right, come on. Nice shirt. My shirt's cooler
than both your shirts, so fuck you. Yeah, it
is. All right. I'm wearing a shirt. Monroe's
Family Restaurant. Good -ass restaurant. You
grew up in a way that's, I think, quite unusual.
Is it? And I think that the pants people might
like to hear about it. So your intro is David.
Tell us your life story. Like I, for example,
this is banter. I, for example. I love this so
much. No, please go. If I ever get a chance.
I, for example, have fond memories going to David's
house during the summertime as a wee lad, hanging
out, playing games, and, you know, getting fed
restaurant food. As long as, as long as you go
back and wash some dishes. Yeah. That's why I
had friends. That's why I had friends. Cause
I knew, you know, come on over, come get some
free lunch, free breakfast, best breakfast around.
Yeah. So like little kid, we wake up in the morning,
head downstairs, go across the way to the restaurant,
sit down, have breakfast, leave and go fucking
play. That sounds fucking awesome. It was so
cool. I mean, cause I mean like, especially,
especially as a kid, you know, like, you know,
my parents didn't have a lot of money. It's not
like restaurants was something that we did a
whole, whole lot. It was so fun. So special to
go to David's house and sit at Monroe's and have
a restaurant meal. I feel bad. Cause like that's
my every day. Well, right. That's my point. The
way you grew up is different than the way most
people grew up. And I thought you might have
some fun little insight or nugget to share with
the pants people. But fuck me. You've made your
point. Yeah, it was cool. I mean, like, yeah,
my folks own a restaurant. You know I'm in culinary.
Anyone listening to the show probably knows I'm
in culinary. I've talked about it here and there.
Yeah, and I've been in culinary for my whole
life. There came a certain point in my life where
it's like, son, I know you want to go and play
with your friends all summer, but it's time for
you to do dishes and prep all summer instead.
You're like a 30 -year -old man with 25 years
in the culinary field. How's the year I got fat?
Good times. But yeah, no, it's been a fun little
adventure. And yeah, I have some experience.
I have some large amount of experience in the
culinary field now. So there you go. Hey. That
was my fun little idea. I saw David's shirt and
I said, hey, you know what? I got a thing I want
to talk about. Monroe Stanley Restaurant in Twin
Mountain, New Hampshire. I don't mind. It's a
good place. Check it out if you're ever in the
region of Twin Mountain, New Hampshire. And well.
We're in the middle of nowhere. Was it last week
or the week before? The quote -unquote round
stuff, the cinnamon roll that Gabby brought us
was baked by your sister. My sister, who now
owns the restaurant and is doing an amazing job.
And she is an incredible cook. Honestly, I say
I've been around for a long time. I'm a pretty
good cook. Jillian, three times a cook will ever
be, four times, ten times. I don't care. She's
really damn good at what she does. So I don't
remember if we didn't say it at the time. But
thank you, Jill, if you ever happened to hear
this. Thank you. Thanks, Jill. It was delicious.
It was. Delicious. I can't wait for my meat pie
at Christmas. Oh. Oh, they always give me a meat
pie. It's my favorite. That is why I like Christmas.
My sister always makes me a meat pie. What sort
of meat pie? What sort of meat pie? I don't know.
It's got like meat and potatoes. Okay. And I
put some mustard on that bad, bad motherfucker
and I eat it. Interesting. And I watch, I watch,
this is a weird Halloween discussion. So every
year I'll get that meat pie and I'll sit down
and I have a weird sort of holiday Christmas
tradition that I'm going to bring up now. where
I watched the episode of Community known as Abed's
Uncontrollable Christmas. It is my favorite TV
episode of anything, I think. I fucking love
that episode. It's all claymation. It just, like,
touches my heart. I love that episode. Yeah,
I think I remember the claymation one. I watched
that for the first time and was so inspired.
I made this entire comic series of kind of, like,
my own, I guess, interpretation of my personality,
who is a cactus. Never mind. We're not going
to get into that. It was awesome. It's a great
thing. That's what I do. That sounds awesome.
You guys get any Christmas traditions you want
to talk about this Halloween? Well, I could go
on about meat pies because now I'm like, man,
I want to make some meat pie. There's a French
-Canadian meat pie. I'm going to butcher the
pronunciation, but I believe it's called a toutsier,
something like that. Okay. Sounds French -ish.
So, you know, savory pie. It's filled with ground
meat of some sort. It's like everyone has their
own mixture. You know, it can be all pork or
it can be all beef or it can be a mixture or
there can be some veal, there can be some whatever.
And then they use spices, not like, it's going
to sound really weird, but they use like pumpkin
pie spices, you know, like some cinnamon, some
nutmeg, some allspice, stuff like that. So that's
another way that you can customize this pie.
That doesn't sound weird. That sounds really
interesting. You can customize your spice mix.
So it's like. There's all these different combinations
of meat mixture, all these different combinations
of spice mixture, and sort of like everybody's
Tootsie -A comes out a little bit different.
Damn. Maybe I'll make you one. Oh my gosh. Play
your cards right. Compare it to Jill's. Play
your buttons right. You'll lose. Yeah, I don't
know if I could take on that challenge. Before
we move on from this conversation, David, I'm...
Meat pies? Yeah, no, no, no. You go first, and
then I have to go real fast because I forgot
something. No, Monroe's. I'm putting you on the
hook with the Pants People. What? I have never
been to Monroe's, and we keep saying we're going
to go. It's so busy during the summer. It's so
hard. It's so busy because it's really good.
I hate going out to places that are super busy.
Well, Pants People, flood our Discord and our
Instagram until David says, okay, let's go to
Monroe's. Also, it is no longer summer. That's
true. No longer summer. That's true. The leaf
peepers are gone. Right. Eh. Almost gone. What
leaves? Well, yeah, sure. Maybe there's a bus
that comes up and they're like, oh, wow, look
at all these sticks. Oh, leaves on the ground.
There's going to be a ton of people that came
up and didn't realize that they hit wicked early
this year. All right. We've bantered for too
long, but I have one more thing. Okay. What do
you got? Mail time. Mail time. Oh, we got mail?
Mail time. So homebrew. coffee company. Oh, Oh
yeah. Every year they run a, every year they
run a charity, not the company. They run a charity
auction and, uh, creators and artists, whatever
from all over Instagram will donate pieces to
homebrew. And then they auction them off and
donate the money to a mental health charity,
mental health awareness. Um, I forget specifically
the hospital that it was for. Um, so I won two
things. In that. Oh, no shit. Holy crap. I won
the paper printout of our manor map by sound
pukey girl, which is on the way. Yeah. So she's
going to send that to me at some point. And I
won a grab bag of minis. Oh my God. From a company
called dice is not so nice. So they get, they
sent me, they sent me a couple of a couple of
grab bag dice here. A couple of grab bag minis.
some fun little tokens and stuff like that. Does
that mimic have legs? Yes, a mimic. Give me that
sexy mimic. Dude, honestly, buff legs and buff
arms. I was going to say, it looks pretty jacked.
Holy shit. Yeah, that mimic is goals right there.
Oh my God, look at those legs. Those are like
your calves. Dude, for real. Damn. I'll post
some of this stuff up on the Instagram and social
medias and stuff like that, and you guys will
get to see all our fun little treats and trinkets.
Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Oh, that's great. That's
great. That's mail time. We need a mail time
like drop. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Just another thing
to add to your plate. Get on it. No, it sounds
good. Yeah. By tomorrow? I'm just kidding, Jeremy.
Look at me. I'm just kidding. Well, this episode
doesn't come out for a week and a half after
we're recording this. Dude, it would be so cool
if it was like a big explosive with like a guitar
riff, like a mail time. I'm on the case. If anything
else, we'll just reuse that clip. Oh, that'd
be excellent. Do you guys want to play Dungeons
& Dragons? Oh, man. Very much so. I am ready
to go. If you're ready to go. Well, time's up.
Episode's over. We have, if you'll bear with
me for a moment, a bit of an intro to this one.
Slightly lengthy, but I think it is very important.
So I'm just going to dive into it. All good?
Yeah, I'm good. All right, let's get started.
Let me take you on a journey. A journey through
the Radiant Citadel, if you will. He said it!
I said the thing! He said it! I want to step
away from the deserts and mountains of San Satyan.
One very, very big step into the lush jungles
of the world of Nowari. And we're going to open
on a veritable sea. swaying green trees where
they border upon a true sea of glistening crystal
water. And we see at this point of transition
an open field surrounding an immense and immaculate
city. We see our camera sort of hovering far
above where a road of seeming gold cuts across
the field, through the city gates and splits
into a branching network, spraying through colorful
silk -draped booths, flower -adorned towers,
and an array of marble buildings sporting conical
roofs. To the west of all this lays a great,
great garden filled with large, pink -petaled
flowers. This is Zinda, the capital city of Nowari.
As we look upon it now, we see a lazy, sleeping
city. A city that is currently recovering from
its annual March of Vice festival. This is a
place of unparalleled beauty, unmatched spectacle,
and of, many will assert, insatiable greed. But
this is not where our focus will linger. I promise
we'll be back here someday soon. But for now,
I want to move north, along the sea coast. A
short journey, a few hours on foot, will bring
us to another place of beauty. And here we see
that the sea has carved its niche into the land.
A great bay. The shimmering water reflects the
blue skies. The sun begins to sink towards the
horizon's edge. Another, smaller city stands
in this place, spreading thin along the coast
of this bay. Structures of stone, more humble
than Zinda in their material, but just as pompous
in their spectacle. Banners of red and gold decorate
these structures, flapping. Many portray the
image of a leaping fish. The people of Zinda
refer to this city as Melataran. The residents
here, a populace consisting near entirely of
tortles, call it only the Golden Bay. and I want
to zoom in on one structure here, an arena of
gray stone that stands upon the white sands of
the coast. We can hear thunderous cheers as we
move in towards rows of benches encircling an
open battleground. We see where a wide break
in this ring of benches faces the sea, and where
the lapping tide is swiftly filling the arena
floor. The water surges in around the ankles
of a number of combatants. All are tortles. We
see painted shells of many colors and crests.
Many wield traditional spears and nets summed
on shields. Only one wields a sword. Describe
for me a younger Blanche, if you will, Stephen.
Blanche, at this point, is full grown. She's
an adult, for sure. She's not in her golden years
like she is in our current story. Her skin is
lighter, more vibrant. more verdant, and she
wears a ribbon around each of her arms that hang
down. Ooh. They're golden with red just on the
tips, and they move in the wind when she walks,
when she moves her arms. Huh. And she holds her
sword, her trusty longsword, at the ready. And
I is the field of combatants. If I may ask, this
sword of yours, is it like ornamented, fancy,
or simple? Efficient? Yes, quite utilitarian.
Okay, okay. There are many like it, but this
one is hers. Hell yeah. So we see Blanche there
on the arena floor. And above the fighters, a
grand, total man gestures to the crowd from his
box in the stands. Sharp, blue eyes set beneath
a thick and narrowed brow. A weathered, spotted
face, mouth locked in a wide grin. Crimson robes
falling over vibrant green scales. This is DiPiero
Montelio, Zinda's seventh king of coin, and the
sole lord of the Golden Bay Tortles. The crowd
hushes at DiPiero's silent command, and after
a short pause, his voice begins to boom across
the benches. You have seen our combatants. You
have seen their strength and their honor. So
I ask, good turtles of the bay, will these fighters
impress Condoralla? And you're just, cheers.
He sort of waves the cheers down. The tides have
covered the arena floor. Kondorala touches our
fighters and watches from her throne beneath
the waves. Should she be impressed by their prowess
in this battle, then the tide shall be blessed
with gold. Our harvest season begins tomorrow.
Should it begin in glory, then the Golden Bay
will prosper! Only one. Warrior here will have
the honor of welcoming Condoralla's gift. Only
one champion. As most of you know, this marks
the final season that our good master defense,
Jacques Dumiro, is retiring from his role in
House Mondelio. And so, I will remind our combatants.
that the great spirit of our bay will not be
the only one keenly watching their performance.
His eyes sweep over the many fighters, slowly,
methodically, just putting on a show. Now, the
sun begins to sink. The sky will soon fill with
crimson, and the time for golden blessings will
be at hand. Let the melee commence! His final
word is punctuated by the blaring of horn. In
the arena, the fighters all snap to action. Let
me ask, as everyone begins to draw their weapons,
begins to charge, begins to move, take stances,
what does Blanche do? How does Blanche begin
this great fight? Blanche wants to pick out a
fighter who she thinks is weaker, one of the
weaker fighters in the field. She wants to cull
the field. And she will go forward and do so,
making sure that she's not going to put her back
to somebody who can challenge her. Somebody who
she thinks, oh, that's going to be a tough fight.
I've got to give them all my attention, so I'm
not going to put my back to somebody like that.
She blanches, wizened eyes sort of scan across
the room. The second everyone starts to move
and off to her right, one tortle, almost like
watching everyone else hesitates for a moment,
just this moment of fear. And she whispers to
herself, Sandpiper at sunset. And starts to sprint
towards it. Holy shit. His eyes just turn and
see as Blanche charges forward. And we're going
to cut past this fight to its end. To a sky red
with sunset. Blanche stands now in the center
of the arena, alone. The water level has risen
swiftly. Sets the combat start and now touches
up to her waist. The defeated combatants have
been carried off the floor unworthy of what comes
next. No only vague murmuring can be heard echoing
through the stands. All hold their breath, waiting.
All eyes are locked towards the opening of the
ring where the tides of the bay push into the
arena. For it is time for Kondorala's judgment.
And... And... And we watch as the water begins
to fill with luminescent flakes of gold. They
surge in from the depths of the bay, spreading
across the whole of the arena. Sighs of relief
resound from the crowd, morphing into whispers
and exclamations of awe as the golden flakes
begin to whirl and swirl around the arena floor,
around Blanche. Mottled specks of golden light
shine on her, moving around her, blending, shimmering,
and soon Blanche herself seems to be radiant
with it. She looks to the Lord's booth, and De
Piero grins down at her, his head slowly bobbing
in this continuous nod. Beside him stands an
ancient -looking Torah with broad, heavy shoulders,
the current and retiring master defense Jacques
de Miro. And he smiles as well, though it's this
subdued thing. the look of a proud and seasoned
warrior who has rarely been surprised, but is
surprised now. Jacques reaches down to a smaller
form in front of him, a young turtle who shares
Lord de Pierrot's vibrant scales and blue eyes.
The young lord, Jean -Francois Montelio, does
not seem to heed the words that Jacques whispers
in his ears. He is transfixed, spellbound. Rings
of gold surround his pupils as he stares, mouth
open, at the champion shining with the gold of
Condorola's blessing. Blanche, eyes now locked
back on the young lord, raises her blade towards
the sky and shouts towards the burning heavens
above. For the Golden Tides! The crowd erupts
into applause. Horns blare again, mixing with
the cheers and the chants and the ruling triumph.
It all blends together, the very sound of honor,
punctuated by three words shouted over and over
and over again. For golden tides! For golden
tides! For golden tides! For golden tides! For
golden tides! And we are carried by these voices
up and up and up until we are once again staring
down from the sky above, looking down at the
bay, now entirely shimmering. with a glorious
golden light. Blanche, you awaken on a sort of
small, very simple bed, surrounded by earthen
walls and ceilings, to the sound of metal grinding
softly on stone somewhere outside this room.
You are in the old mining tunnels beneath Salazar.
As you've moved through here, the other four
of you have been moved to bedrooms, essentially.
You've been passionate about the typical sort
of wooden supports, like archways holding up
the tunnel ceilings. And you've been told that
these were originally mining tunnels back when
this was the city. They've been largely forgotten,
covered over, and now this is where the rebellion,
the revolution, holds its base. You've been taken
to a series of small side rooms where soldiers
of the revolution have beds prepared. Blanche
and Jean Franklin both share a room, as do Dresden
and Ramin. And as you awaken, Blanche, I think
you are very surprised to see that maybe for
the first time ever, Jean Franklin is awake before
you. His bed is empty. His bed unmade. Unmade?
Unmade. So, I'm sorry. Before we move on into
anything else, can I just pause to say how fucking
epic of an intro and flashback that was? Yeah,
that was great. Holy shit, I had goosebumps.
That was fucking incredible. Me and Steven, all
of that, the culture of the Golden Bay, almost
everything was undecided. We went on that hike
yesterday. After we all hiked, we went on a second
hike just to talk about that, and we ironed out
all the details. It was amazing how fast this
shit just fell into place. Our feet hit the trail,
and one of the first things we decided was, okay,
the like. Rally cry is going to be for golden
tides. And then by the end of the walk, that
phrase had so much meaning. Hell yeah. And it
was freaking awesome. Hell yeah. You did excellent.
I'm glad. I kind of crammed all that in last
night because I didn't have any idea what we
were doing until last night. Good times. So yeah,
bet on made, which is, I think, strange. John
Franklin's of a somewhat disciplined, almost
military mind. You've made sure of that. And
this is off for him. Even being awake early is
off for him. One mark against you already, Tadpole.
You can see hearing that sound of stone on metal
somewhere outside. All right. Blanche will get
up, quickly make both beds, and go to investigate
the noise. I love that you're making both beds.
You push open the door, back out into sort of
the main tunnel, and you see kind of just a little
ways down the tunnel and sitting against the
wall, Jean Franklin is sitting and drawing a
whetstone across these two, there's one on the
floor, looks like it's already finished, another
saber. Maybe you have seen these before, maybe
you haven't. You as a player know these were
Zebulon's swords. Yeah, shit. And he's just sort
of... staring down, almost beads of sweat running
down his head as he's focused. That's heartbreaking.
Good morning, John. Oh, sir. I hope I didn't
wake you, sir. You seem to be enjoying a dream.
Yes, I quite was. You're up early. Oh, yes. Honestly,
couldn't sleep very well. Shh. Why is that? It's
hard to rest when I know that Jules is suffering.
Serenade will be taking its toll again now. Night
has fallen outside of this place. We have to
make a move, sir. This plan, this party, it's
too passive, isn't it? I mean, to wait until
tomorrow to investigate. Isn't there something
we can do? Something more direct? I don't know.
What to do? You can't help your friend without
being at your full strength, Sean. Sleep is important.
You know that. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Kind of like
puts the sword down. But if everyone's starting
to wake up, then perhaps it's time for us to
make our move on the pigmen. Are you really sure,
sir? This is not what I would consider a... wise
course of action. I don't want to question you,
but... I'm open to suggestions, Tadpole. Don't
seduce the pig man. I'm simply trying to help.
Don't do that, please. It's icky, and I don't
like it. I'm simply trying to use my strengths
to help you and your friends. Yes, I understand.
I appreciate that, sir. It's just... Well, I
suppose we've committed. We should make the others.
We should make a plan. Dresden, do you think
you're awake already? Oh, God, yeah. Hell yeah.
Yeah. Dresden's up just before dawn, just before
first light comes up. It's actually night right
now, so it's kind of a weird offset. You guys
are waking up. Actually, right now it's about
1030, I would say, at night as you guys are just
got your eight hours. I'll amend it to say he's
always up 10 minutes before he needs to be up.
Hell yeah. How about that? Is this bed made?
Of course. Of course. Well done, soldier boy.
He's no ragamuffin. Norman's, I think, already
awake as well, but kind of has already been engaging
in like a long, maybe 10 minute prayer to the
Sunweaver that, you know, very pious. You know,
his bed, of course, also made. He is an acolyte.
He takes things seriously. He's sort of leading
on the side of it as you kind of maybe knock
on the door and are invited in. Pushed through.
Dresden, I imagine, just fully geared up, all
ready to go. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. He's
the type that he's up early before everybody
else, and he's already sitting on his bed, dressed
and ready, just waiting for everybody to be up.
Just stone -faced. Yep. Staring at the wall.
Yep. Hoping that Ramin doesn't wake up and we
have an awkward 20 minutes while we wait for
everybody else. Literally, it's like you're sitting
on your bed and he's just praying. So maybe he
is kind of a weird... You're hearing this...
Oh, my God. like whispers, um, maybe not even
in like, in like this main English, maybe in
like, like, like Sangari, like the, the language
of his world. Um, as he finally kind of like
the door opens, uh, you turn your head. Ramin
nods, stops his prayer and everyone gathers together
in this room. Oh, before we get to anything else,
Ramin doesn't look that good. Ah, Sereno has
struck again. I would make you roll, but here's
the thing. Ramin actually auto -passes his Sereno
check. He only gains one point. Some meta knowledge
for Steven. But he does look sick, though. And
I'll tell you right now that Ramin, I didn't
mention this on your sheet, and I'm glad to bring
this up now, he already had three levels of exhaustion.
Holy shit. So that guy's useless. Yeah, his initial
gain of it. One point, and now another fourth
point for this knight. Oh, my God. This has been
two days. This is his third knight since he contracted
Sarah. When do you die of exhaustion? At ten.
Ten, okay. So it weighs off. And for him, because
he auto -passes for reasons... He's got six days
left. He's got time. Yeah. You don't know how
much you contract if you fail past the first
check. Jules avoided that knowledge. But it could
have been very scary if he failed his check.
Now, let's discuss a course of action. I'm happy
to continue on with... The plan that I devised
previously. However, if I'm to put myself at
risk for this Jules, I'd like to know a little
more about him. Who is this man? What makes him
so special? Did you mean me with Ramin? What?
What did you mean, Steven? Oh, shit, I did mean
you. Okay. You're right. Okay. Actually, let's
put that, let's make sure it's in this. I had
to double check my character sheet. Let's make
sure it's in this because I forgot. Yes, no,
you have Jaune, you have, yeah. Yeah, so I didn't
tell you, Jeremy, you have four levels of exhaustion.
Ramin does. Burp, burp, burp. Jules is the most
noble man I've ever known. He's got a fireball
of a mouth on him. But he always does what's
right, even if that means putting himself in
harm's way. I think Ramin actually might even,
like, step in, too, to offer his own kind of
POV on this. I'm not trying, Ramin. Huh? I'm
not trying Ramin's voice. No, I'll do it. What
is his voice? Oh, yeah. Yes, Dance and I met
Jules after we were offered a shot at sponsorship
in the Didn't Sing Night Market. A gnome named
Rune Rusong sought us out and offered us a place
in the market games. A sudden blessing that came
from pretty much out of nowhere. Jules, Zebulon,
and their sidekicks, he nods to Jean Franklin,
fought bravely and cleverly and defeated us in
the end. They then put their lives on the line
to save a family from a fire in the market and
investigated a murder. We helped a little. I
can't say that I know Jules well, but I like
him. I liked Zebulon. I saw them both as good
people, unknowing allies of the great Sunweaver.
Hey, roll me an insight check. Just Dresden,
or? Both of you. It's not Jean, because he's
stupid. Thirteen for Blanche. Just a five for
Dresden. One second. Keep you on your toes a
little. Oh, God. Blanche, you notice Ramin's
eyes seem to, like, stray downwards in this last...
Unknowing allies of the great Sunweaver. His
almost like a little break in his voice and his
eyes kind of trail downwards like there's something
he's not saying. That's all. I'm trying to decide
if I should press him on it. I think Blanche
would think it would be rude. I think she's going
to save that in her back pocket. Okay. Makes
sense. Maybe bring it up later. Well, if you
all and Blanche looks to John. believe this Jules
to be worth the risk, then I suppose I can't
back down now. He's my friend. And my luminary.
He is worth any risk, I assure you. He's the
real deal, sir. A hero. Then let's begin to make
a plan on how I'll get in to the pigman's palace.
And I... I have a friend who could help. And
as a ritual, Blanche begins to cast Find Familiar.
Holy shit! Oh, yeah. Whoa, I did not see this
coming. Oh, baby. Let's see. What shape is Blanche's
familiar going to take today? We will pick...
Oh, well. You didn't have this predetermined?
I wanted something like a mouse, and I'm looking
now, and there's... I think he gives you a finite
amount of... There's rat or spider. I feel like
rat is too big. I feel like spider is too small.
Too spooky. Fair. Too spooky for our story. A
spider can get places, though. Well, how about
a bat? I like bats. Yep. They're the coolest
animal. So today, Blanche is going to summon
her familiar. in the shape of a bat. Okay. So
suddenly, like, right in the ceiling of this
cave, a bat appears, maybe, like, some shimmering
magic light just hanging off the ceiling, hanging
off of one of those wooden supports. Now, none
of us in the room know where the pig man lives,
right? I know Paloma. Paloma knows, and Paloma
also said that there's an agent on the inside
that can kind of, like, let you in. So the bat
might be good for scouting out, though, when
you do get there. Yeah, that's kind of the plan
is for me to get there, do some scouting with
the bat. When you're ready, if it's cool with
you guys, I'm okay with just, like, shuffling
you to the scene. Paloma can sort of tell you
where it is, give you what you need to know.
If there's any information you want, I can give
it to you straight rather than running a whole
scene about it. Who will take me to the scene?
Jeremy, do you have anything else to... Negative.
All right. I wasn't... Yeah, I mean, Dresden
knows what has to be done, and he's just, he's
at the ready. Yeah, so what is everybody else
going to do, I guess? Is everyone just going
to kind of like hide outside the palace? I was
going to say, do you think, yeah. But I don't
know if we should get close enough. Right. Like,
we need to just seem like we're not there at
all. Hell, I mean, like, if you're allowed in,
you could potentially enter, but only Blanche
could proceed to the pig man himself. You could
be in the building. If you're going in the cover
of night, that's kind of what you're led to believe.
Basically, what Paloma tells you is, well, an
agent they have on the inside is going to bring
you in the servant's entrance, so you'll be kind
of far from where the pig man normally would
be. You could be in the building. So everyone
could go in, but Blanche is going to go and be
seen and be... The idea Paloma had in mind...
I'd feel much better about it if we were... All
in the vicinity. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, Paloma's
idea is at exactly midnight, this servant is
instructed to open the door, let you in, everyone
else will be asleep, all the other staff, and
there's no guards. That's something Paloma made
sure to let you know. There are no, there's no
security, no guards of any sort at this structure,
the pig man's home, because, as she put it, why
would he need security? He's the pig man. Paloma
herself will not be joining you. She cannot leave
the underbelly of Salazar. Just too much heat
on her. She's basically been down here directing
things, but if she was to be seen on the surface,
the guards would catch her instantly. People
would be after her. She is a known revolutionary,
a known danger to the Tresina. So it's all happening
from beneath the ground. All right. Let's get
into this shiz. I'm ready. All right. So what
can you tell us about this? I keep saying palace.
Is it a palace? Tell you what, let me describe
it. Let's say we cut to, you know, you guys are
maybe like standing outside in the shadows. You're
now in, when we get to this, we'll say it's around
midnight, around the chosen time. You are in
Fiesta Town, but off into the sort of residential
district, off into sort of a corner of the sort
of very, the party district, the tourist district
of San Sitian City. So here, there's not a lot
of street light, only the dim moonlight is shining
down, falling upon the sort of path leading up
to this great structure before you. You see this
building is quite unlike anything else around.
You see that the pig man's home is just a single
enormous story, wide and long. There are no windows
set into the sides of the structure. And there's
only two entrances, a large gate in the front,
like large, like the kind of thing you'd see
at the head of a castle. And then there's a smaller,
more average -sized door in the back. The servant's
door. Ramin is sort of standing behind you, shivering.
So are you ready to go? The Serenno just like
really drawing out his strength. Boy, is there
somewhere else for you to be? I feel like you're
going to waste away out here. Not for a few days.
I can still be helpful for a few more days. Yeah,
I was just going to say. Like, we should have
just left Romine back. He wouldn't let you. He
very fiercely wants to be here to be helpful.
Well, remember what happened last time Romine
stayed back? Zebulon died. Yeah. He's fiercely
determined to be here despite whatever pain it
puts him in. Well, stay safe and stay out of
the way. You go where we tell you to go. Yes,
sir. I go where you tell me to go. Now, where
is this inside man? As you say that, you're standing
amidst some brush at the edge of the property.
You can see a crack of light forms to a square
shape, or rectangular shape, as a door opens
far ahead down the back path. There it is. Let's
go. You see a short, thin figure waving you in
as you rush towards. So you guys are moving in?
Yes, sir. Sandpiper at sunset. You're a member.
Adios, sir. And just drops down and charges forward.
We're right beside you. Stubbly runs in. Yeah.
Cutting across the grass. Dude, hell yeah. I
think you reach the end. He just, like, nods
to you as you're about to, like, enter into this
place. For golden tides, sir. You approach a
brown, wrinkled face adorned with drooping white
mustaches. You see this bony frame is wrapped
in a pink floral apron. You were told this man
is named Hector, and he is the pig man's personal
chef. Very old man, who's worked for the pig
man for quite a long time. You must be Hector.
Yes, I am Hector, personal chef to the pig man.
Please come in, come in, step in from the cold.
Do we know why Hector is helping us? He is a
revolutionary. Okay, then I'm just going to follow
Hector. And then, is everyone coming in? Yes.
Okay. Yep. Cool. You guys move in. Dresden's
the last one out. Closing the door behind him.
As you are sealed inside, you look around and
see sort of the walls. Like I said, there's no
windows. The walls are adorned with sort of magical
lights that are set pretty dim. And you are standing
in what looks like a sort of larger, almost warehouse
for food supplies that feeds into a couple different
hallways that lead out. Hector, what can you
tell us about the pig man? Well, not as much
as you would like. He's a bit of a mystery to
us staff. Friendliest person you'll ever meet,
but odd. He's gone basically all day, every day.
When he comes home, he consumes a frankly absurd
amount of food. Then retires immediately to the
pig pen. His personal gym. There he drinks and
works himself to the point of unconsciousness,
passes out in the ring, gets up in the morning,
and does still again. And he never has any callers,
any visitors, any ladies? I can tell you that
he has never, in all the time I've worked here,
brought home a partner for romance. People have
tried, but he has never brought one back. I cannot
tell you if you'll be interested in them. Turtle
kind. You see, he's been, like, informed of the
plan. He looks kind of bashful about it. Or even
if he has any interest in women at all. I can't
tell you. I can tell you he does not eat pork
of any kind. To him, that would be akin to one
of your folk using a turtle shell as a toy. Yes,
I do think that would be quite strange. You were
waiting to pull that one out. Fucked up. Bullshit!
I can also tell you to be wary of mentioning
the crimes of Marfil. Some have tried, and it
has only ever angered the pig man. He doesn't
seem to believe these lies, or at least he acts
like he doesn't. Also, do not take off his mask.
Do not reach for the mask. Do not touch the mask.
Just don't. These are the hard rules. And the
pig man is now in his pen? Yes, he is in the
pig pen. Will you prepare for me a snack, a meal,
to take to the pig man? Already done. And he,
like, bustles into the next room, steps out holding
this, like, steaming tray. I think he's got,
like, a couple, like, tacos in a holder. And
when I say a couple, I mean 20. He's got just
this full tray. It is around time he would want
to eat. He likes to be awoken to consume more
calories in the middle of the night. He says
it's good for the muscles. Do I have enough time
to... And Blanche summons her familiar. Do a
bit of scouting. By all means. He kind of gestures
down the hallway. Okay, so Blanche is going to
sit down and... use her familiar to see through
its eyes. Give me one second to, like, yeah.
While your familiar is within 100 feet of you,
you can communicate with it telepathically. Addition
is an action. You can see through your familiar's
eyes and hear what it hears until the start of
your next turn. So we're going to do that. Okay.
She's going to see and sense the building here
through the eyes of her familiar within 100 feet.
You... So you're basically sending the filler
ahead to fly, or... Do we have a map? Uh, no.
Ah. No, they'll have the building. Okay. Then
I feel like this won't be very helpful. Maybe
I'll just put that in my back pocket. It actually
might not be as unhelpful as you'd think. Okay.
So I'll say this. You turn, you go down a hallway,
you kind of curve, and, like, as you curve, you're
turning back, so the hundred feet, you're still
well within your radius. You're passing maybe
some servant rooms and, you know, side buildings,
or side rooms for whatever, like... cleaning
or cooking or more storage, this and that. And
you kind of leave these backgrounds behind. The
first thing that you notice as you kind of push
through an open doorway into, I guess, what you
might call the main part of the building, there's
an immediate distinguishing feature, which is
that the main part of the building has these
wide, tall hallways. It's much more expansive,
much larger than the back wing where the servants
are. You are struck by the sense as well of almost
like condensed functionality. While this place
is wide and tall, the rooms that surround you
are tight together and generally light on decker.
There's one dining room, single chair, a lounge,
a bedroom, doors open, furniture looking brand
new and untouched. I think you have to wonder
how this building can be so large when so much
of what you'd expect to see is accounted for
here. And you also note that the servant section
of the building that you pass through was nicer,
prettier, and just generally more full than the
pig man's actual sort of main hall. And it's
short. You reach the end of this shorter hall.
You pass these doorways, these rooms, and you
reach a large set of double doors. Sort of akin
to the entrance of a castle. A stand at the hall's
end and that stand open. And I think you're nearing
the end of your 100 feet as you peer out into
this room. You peer out into the pigpen. You
see a massive, open gym. Larger than any banquet
hall you've ever been in, ever seen. Magical
lights, much like those that line the halls you
pass through, are set to shine a dim, soothing
blue along the walls and ceiling. You see one
wall is covered with climbing holds. You see
weights practically lie everywhere. The size
of many are akin to the wheels of wagons. You
see acrobatic bars hang down from the ceiling
in a number of places. There's a pool set in
the floor in the back, long and made for back
and forth laps. Almost any sort of exercise gear
or athletic gear you can think of is contained
within this room. And at the room center stands
a simple lucha libre ring, hexagonal in shape
and about 30 by 30 feet. It is surrounded halfway
around by rows of stands. A smaller version of
the great Marvel arena that stands not far from
this place where the pig man was supposed to
fight dance earlier this day. In the middle of
this arena, a shadowed form lies in the ring,
surrounded by bottles and snoring deeply. And
you can't really get any closer, but you can
just see this figure. Can you hear? I think you
choose one or the other, right? I could be wrong.
Yep, you can see through your familiar's eyes
and hear what it hears. So yeah, you just hear.
It's loud, sort of snorting snores. Well, she
knows the way to go. There will be no surprises
when she gets there. She will call her familiar
back, return it to its pocket dimension, grab
the quote -unquote snack, and make her way to
the pig pen. Nothing actually even just says,
like, feel free to tell the pig man that I sent
you. It's all right. He won't fire me. Marfil
can't get him to fire me. I'm a very good cook,
is your wink. I'm very impressed, Hector, as
she smells the tacos. They smell amazing. Really
strongly seasoned, but like, ooh. Damn, Hector.
You're making your move. Yeah, when she approaches
the pig pen in a loud voice, she calls out, Master
Pigman, I have your snack. Yeah. So, like, you
step in, you're in the hallway, you step into
the room, you hear, like, this, like, this thing.
And you just, like, immediately start talking,
you just hear it go. Snore cuts off. Like sniffing
in the air. You a fan? Or an assassin? Or both?
Believe it or not, I've had a few. Signed my
autograph on their full -body cast after all
was finished. The big ear. Sort of starts to
pick himself up from the middle of the ring.
Not aggressive, more jovial. And you see the
pig man. You see huge bright brown eyes staring
at you from a pink pig mask. This like fillers
use the material to give the mask sort of a vague
pig snout shape. And it's not like, it's cute,
it's silly. It's not as terrifying as you might
imagine a pig mask could be. Like it's supposed
to be like kid friendly. The pig man's head just
sits somewhat leaning and offset on these broad,
rolling shoulders, and you see a body that is
just massive, muscular to the point of ridiculous,
a veritable wall of meat, standing at around
11 feet tall. Oh, holy shit. Holy shit. Did we
know he was 11 feet tall? Whoa. I mean, you're
walking through the hallways and you see these
gigantic... Sure, but just like... You know,
in the canon of the Radiant Citadel, people know
that he's 11 feet tall, I assume? I think people
see him on the network, and it's kind of one
of those things where, like, he looks big, but
no, it's got to be a trick of the... And then
you see him in your life, and you're like, holy
shit. He's well known, but I think it's not believed
until you really see... Because, like, he's so
grand and imposing. Until you see him in person,
you don't believe the big man. Yeah, there's
no way we're fucking... And you see all this
giant wall of me is all contained in a tight
pink wrestling singlet. Fantasy spandex. I'd
hope to avoid the cast, Master Pigman. Hector
let me in. I'm certainly a fan. Oh, all right.
Come on over. He kind of waves you. I think he's
standing up, and as you kind of start to move
over, you just hear him. He sits down in the
ring kind of aggressively, and the whole thing's
like, boom! As he just drops into the center,
the floor shakes. And he just leaves like, he's
like, you know, sitting in the center, leaving
kind of an open spot for you, his legs kind of
left open where you could drop a tray. And he's
just kind of waiting patiently, kind of his large
brown eyes sort of watching you. As she, as Blanche
hands him the tray, she says, to be honest, Master
Pigman, I'd like to be your sidekick. Oh, oh,
oh, wow. Oh, hang on. He just grabs like three
in one hand and just shoves them and just eats
them, licking his fingers. Well, I'm flattered.
You look probably tough. I actually haven't seen
one of you turtles before. Turtle, right? That's
the... Turtle, yes, Master Pigman. Yes, we're
quite tough. It's kind of like head leans to
a side, eyes take you in. Yeah. You're a fighter.
I can see it. Well, thank you, Master Pigman.
Unfortunately, I don't really assign my own sidekick.
I could put a word in, but that's, you know,
that's Marfil. That's the guys upstairs. Oh,
I see, I see. Yeah, yeah, you know, keep me on
a short leash, but you know how it is. Well,
give me some pointers. How does one get in good
with Marfil, then? Oh. I mean, you, yourself.
I mean, this is all very impressive. Oh, hey,
hey, come on, don't flatter. Hang on. He just
sort of reaches over. He grabs, like, a bottle
of wine that's sort of spilling out on the arena.
Just... I hope that wasn't your last bottle.
And she reaches and grabs the bottle of wine
that she got from Paloma. Oh, shit, yeah! And
just snatches it. You want a split, or...? I'll
have a swig, of course. I'll just do you first.
And she takes a swig of wine. A reserved swing.
Swig. Not taking swings. As you offer it, he
takes a very unreserved swig. This is a treasure.
This is pleasant. It's nice to meet a fan. A
fighter fan. Yeah. Those pointers. I don't think
you finished your thought. Huh? About Morphel?
Morphel. Kind of like almost vaguely looks around.
Kind of blinks a little bit. Like, the thought's
just gone from his mind. Huh. Does Blanche have
any reason to believe that that was magical?
Give me an insight check. How about an arcana
check? You can do both. Okay. Wow, we're being
very generous. Roll some dice! It's a dirty 20
for insight. Just a 14 for... With a 14, you
don't have any reason to believe. Nothing really
seemed to, like, nothing seemed to shadow over
his eyes. Nothing seemed to, like, almost abruptly
change his demeanor. It realistically, and with
that insight check, this kind of confirms it,
it seems like he's just not very smart, to put
it lightly, to put it, like, softly. He's just,
like, he just already forgot what he was talking
about. And he's just, like, very one -track,
very just kind of, like, he's just this kind
of dumb jock. And actually, now that you're sitting
with him, there's something almost childish about
the pig man. I mean, the way he talked about
Marfil, almost like a child talking about their
dad, like, oh, you know, I can't go out. Dad
will ground me. It's weird. But, like, you came
in here wondering if he's with Marfil, if he's
like the bad guy. With the Dirty 20 insight,
I think your initial inclination is that maybe
he really doesn't think Marfil's bad. And maybe...
he's just been so trained and he's so single
-minded that it's just, you know, it's like a
kid being told his parents are serial killers,
you know? Mm -hmm. Not gonna believe it. All
right. And I'll let him continue. Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sidekick. You wanted to be a
sidekick. Um, yeah, you gotta go to Marfil about
that, but, I mean, I could, I mean, I don't really
know you, but I could put in a word. I haven't
had a sidekick before. What do they do? Well,
uh... If I was your sidekick, Master Pigman,
I would have your back. I would be not just your
combat partner, but your friend, your confidant.
Oh, I mean, it's a good offer, but if I'm being
honest, I mean, I'm worried that if someone else
is around when I'm fighting, I might, you know,
I might kill them. Not on purpose, Matt. It's
just, you know, it's easy to hurt people when
you're... Well, perhaps we could... Train together
and find out. Huh. Huh! He almost, like, rolls
back onto his back, and he's staring at the ceiling,
kind of scratching at his pig nose. Ah, but,
alas, it may be too late for a friendly wrestling
match. Oh, no, no, not too late at all. In fact,
actually, you might know this. Earlier today,
I was supposed to have this big, exciting match,
right? And he gets up. He's, like, almost, again,
very childish, very energetic. Oh, this old wrestling
partner of mine, or enemy, Demi Lich. He was
good. I liked him. Well, his sister, Dance, she
was going to take me on in the ring. She didn't
show. I was so bummed. It was going to be great.
But, but, but, but, but. You must have. puts
an arm, a hand on his arm or, or whatever. You
must have so much pent up energy. I do. I do
have so much pent up energy. Oh man. Uh, I mean,
we could, if we spar, if you can show me you're
worth something, I could put you up to Marfil.
I mean, you know what? You know what? There's
this, uh, so again about the match I have, I,
I got a, there's this big old party tomorrow,
right? And I was going to bring the winners to
the match if they beat me to the party, you know,
as guests, because Marvel didn't like it very
much. But, you know, sometimes I do my own thing,
I get in trouble. But I could bring you. I mean,
I don't think they'll mind. You're just somebody.
I mean, I'm sure it's fine. Well, that, wow,
I would be Master Pigman. I would be honored
to go to the party with you. And his eyes sort
of set hard suddenly, like almost like dropped
down, just like, sure. But you're going to have
to beat me. Have to beat him? Wait, do you have
friends? There was supposed to be four earlier.
God damn. I'm out. I'm out. Friends, well, well,
sure. I mean, I have friends. Don't you have
friends? Oh, I mean, everyone's my friend, right?
All the worlds, all my fans, they're my friends.
That's right, Master Pigman. Yeah. And how about
this? Please, just call me Pigman. Just Pigman's
fine. Pigman, Pigman, since we're friends now.
Oh, wow. I mean, I'd like to think of you as
a friend. If we do this friendly match, I'm still
looking for an inside scoop, perhaps for each
round, you say. You can tell me a little something
about Marfil that might help me with my resume.
Oh. A little inside scoop to give me the edge
over all the other applicants, I'm sure. I mean,
wouldn't you like me to be the top applicant?
I want a deception check. Ooh. I'm willing to
take disadvantage on my passive insight because,
again, he is really naive. Okay, I'm going to...
I'm going to use a button as well. We're going
to double up on this. I need to pass this roll.
Holy shit. 18. Well, Marfil does like to talk
about Marfil. If you know a lot about Marfil,
they're going to like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I could tell you a few things. Nothing too sensitive,
mind. I'd get in trouble. But, yeah, I could
tell you some things. Well, that's great. Um,
how about I meet you back here in, is ten minutes
too long with my friends? I think I can get them
here in time. Oh, yeah, that's really fast. Holy
shit. Okay, yeah. Um, he stops again. You seem
tough, but let's be straight. The guys I was
going to fight today are seasoned. I knew at
least that I wouldn't, to be, you know, frank
and honest and all that. Break them in half in
a moment. There's a lot of stuff around here.
If you want to put me at ease, if you could prove
yourselves, you know, prove at least you got
some strength in you. Use the equipment. Put
on a little show. And if you can show me that
you're strong enough, I'll step in the ring.
Right? Very well, Pigman. And enjoy the rest
of your tacos. And I'll be back shortly. You
turn away and just hear like a, there's shells
flying, hard shell pieces flying everywhere.
Bits of lettuce. I know, I know he's just stupid,
but part of me feels like he's luring us all
in there as well. I don't get that sense. Not
enough to not go in there. Right. We have to
go in. Yeah. Or else something's going to be
fishy. But we definitely have to be cautious.
But yeah. Yeah. And even like, it sounds like,
you know, hey, it's a fun little thing, but he
said himself like, hey, I really don't want to
accidentally kill you. So it's not like safety,
even if he's fully genuine, it's not like death
isn't on the table potentially. Right. Because
when you're... Because he's 11 feet tall. In
the heat of battle and you're strong as fuck.
That's why he's trying to make sure you guys
are up to snuff. All right. Blanche is going
to go back to... The kitchen, the chef's quarters,
the servant's quarters, and... It's already over.
Did you do the thing? Ew, gross. We're going
to fight the pig man. What? Excuse me. Um, yes,
please excuse him. And me. What? In order to
secure my spot at the party, the pig man wants
to wrestle us. He was supposed to get a melee.
earlier today, but it was canceled on him. And
I promised him makeup. You were supposed to wrestle
with him, not us. I like this idea better, actually.
Honestly, a lot better. I'm terrified out of
my shell, but I mean, I like this idea much better.
The best tactical plan is a flexible one. Gross.
Again. You were supposed to wrestle him. Hector.
Hector's laughing his ass off. You don't suppose
this is some sort of trick or trap? No. This
is classic big man. I should have expected this.
He was very disappointed tonight. He only ate
half his dinner. Still a full table, but... Well,
I told him I'll be back in ten minutes. with
friends. A party of four. We have to prove our
mettle to him, and if we seem tough enough, he
will agree to our wrestling match. Very well.
I will come to ref the match, if it were, as
it were. That seems, uh, that seems reasonable.
And they'll bring snacks. Snacks, yes. So we're
proving ourselves. It should be no trouble for
me. I imagine the brute here will be fine, but...
John looks over at Ramin. We may have a problem
with our fourth. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, there may
be a way to gain ourselves advantage. Yes, he's
a button. Sorry. Hector, have you ever seen the
pig man eat to a point of... Have you ever seen
him eat himself into a stupa? Hmm. I'm going
to roll a d20 about this. In fact, you know what?
Put the D100, roll it over there, tell me what
you got. I want to see what we get on that D100.
All right, I'm rolling it in the box. This is
a luck die, because this is an interesting idea.
36. No, not that I've seen, no. He seems to just
eat and eat and eat. He doesn't seem to go anywhere,
and it never seems to fill him. Damn. All right,
well, I'm not going to waste a bunch of time
down that rabbit hole. Well, then we'll have
to do it the old -fashioned way, boys. Let's
see if Ramin can prove himself to the pig man
and see if he'll accept our challenge. Holy shit.
Let's do what we gotta do. And so you all move
down the halls. You see exactly what the bat
saw. Exactly what... What's the bat's name? Bat
have a name? If he does, at least not yet. Give
the bat a name. Yeah. Chandelier. We're going
with Night Scream for now because that's a Transformer
from Beast Machines. Anyway, you're moving down
the hall. Here's an emo kid Transformer. It was
great. Anyway, you're moving down the hall and
you move into the larger portion. You move towards
the gym and you see as you step in, the first
thing you notice is those dim blue lights along
the walls are now bright white lights. The whole
thing is... lit up. There's like a great spotlight
shining down right on the ring and the pig man
is standing in it, just full height, hands all
sort of crossed, big smile, kind of sizing you
all up. And again, you step in and just like,
it's like this monstrous towering figure. Oh,
hey there. Wow, you do have a lot of friends.
How's it going? Ooh, these are all mean. And
just kind of like, well, we'll try. I was telling
your friend here, well, she wants a fight. And
I love a little spar myself. But I need to see
that you guys can handle it. Because I'm a little
strong. So there's a lot of equipment around.
You guys want to show me what you can do? And
we'll call it there.