This week's episode is coming right up, but first,
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H -A -M -M -P -O -D. But I understand the other
side, too. The house of convalescence is a gift
to us all. A bastion of healing on the Sid Hill
run by Atash's celestial followers. In the Sunweaver's
name, they use the innate magic of the auroral
diamond to treat the wounded and heal the sick
that pass through. But such healing is far less
impactful on our worlds than the ability to bring
back the dead. Atash has said many times that
such resurrections are not in the Sunweaver's
plan, that they strip all meaning from death.
It would be a focal point for corruption in our
society. This is why this power is used solely
for criminals that die before they can serve
their just sentences. There are rare stories
of resurrections like that of Amin Rasool, but
these are simply outliers to this rule. We must
trust they all have a place in Atash's plan.
A war novel. A war novel. A military novel. Wait,
say that one more time. Cut the mic. Cut the
mic. No, no. You can't silence me. You cut mine.
Oh, am I? Go on. Go on. So Stephen and I once
co -wrote a military novel. It was called M .I
.A. Missing in Action. We were babies. It was
amazing. It was excellent. There were wolves
with bombs in their chests in a cave exploding.
There was some other shit Steven wrote that wasn't
as cool. Steven, why are you embarrassed about
this? This sounds incredible. This sounds wonderful.
He found it a few years ago. He found it and
he threw it away. I don't know that I actually
threw it away. He said he threw it away because
it was too embarrassing to ever see the light.
I don't think I would have actually thrown it
away. It was so long ago that I found it that
I don't even remember what I did with it. I have
so many old, old story manuscripts. I'm fourth
grade. evil mutant giant spires that try to take
over the world which steven was a character oh
that sounds awesome yeah it was me and all my
school friends and some spiders the giant spires
came over and they were taking over the world
and i think like i think it opened up with with
a sleepover when everyone woke up it was just
like me and my friends that woke up my house
we went downstairs and the news was on and there
were no newscasters just like a blurb on the
bottom listing like the names of all the people
in the world who are missing which was literally
everyone in the world except for like my group
of friends for some reason And then we raided
a military base and we got some nunchucks. We
fucked up some spiders. It was a good time. It
was a good time. I'm suddenly very, very sad
now that I'm not going to get to read any of
this. I'll give it to you. Dude, I am shameless.
All my garbage shit from my past, I have all
in folders. Yes, please. I like Steven. We obviously
went to school in a very rural area. If anybody
had bothered to tell us about D &D at that age,
we would have gone wild. We had to make our own
entertainment, though. I mean, I would never
have been able to survive it because I was of
the generation where it's like, ooh, Harry Potter,
that's devil. Yeah, but you read Harry Potter.
I lost them for a couple years. Jesus. And they
got them back when they weren't devil anymore.
When you were old enough. So, yeah, we wrote
weird and horrible stories. Drew weird and horrible
comics. Snake world all the way. Snake world,
yeah. Ah, good times. Comic about snakes. You
know why? Snakes are kind of easy to draw. They're
really easy to draw. Yeah, yeah. All I did was
play dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs. Yeah. Big dinosaur
kid over here. Give me a high five, dinosaur
kids. Unite. Hell yeah. Dude, I remember, I'm
just remembering now that like in our old snake
comic. Like, I think we designed the two main
characters and it was Rex, your snake. And he
was like the super cool action, brave, heroic
snake. And then I had my snake and he sucked.
He just sucked. Your snake was like. He was just
scared and cried all the time. He was like Scooby
Doo, but less cool and funny. It was the worst.
He was always afraid. Oh, no. Oh, my inner self.
All right. Well, this has been fun. I'm feeling
energized and less sad. Oh, David. You guys want
to play some Dungeons & Dragons? Yeah, I'll play.
Yeah, I'll play. All right, all right, all right,
all right. Then let's set a scene, but not the
scene we left off at, because I'm doing weird
shit this arc, and hey, if you guys love, you
know, switching the sort of point of view constantly
between two different parties to see different
adventures that are sort of interconnected but
separate, you're going to love this arc. If you
don't love that, I'm sorry. Your lack of love
is valid. But I'm having a lot of fun, so I can't
stop now. Let's move into the desert. Let's move
into the borderlands. Ooh, I like that. I like
that. It's good. It's a good one. It's a good
twang. Good old twang. We're panning away from
Sansatian City, away from those walls, and across
to the northeastern borderlands. We're going
to follow a set, a single set of tracks moving
to the northeast. A set. of hoofprints galloping
until suddenly they are not hoofprints anymore.
Three distinct humanoid tracks taking their place.
We follow these for a short ways and we see our
three heroes on their journey to Milpazool to
the collection of bounty hunters that await.
Individual answers about the missing half -orc
child. We see Jules LaRoche, Crispin Dubois,
and Dance Macabre. Now, Stephen, you had a little
something you wanted to do to set things off,
correct? Yeah. Oh. This is something I thought
about the last time we recorded. Didn't really
get the opportunity to do it, so we'll do it
now. So, Crispin falls out of his wild shape
after an hour of being a horse, and, uh... Once
everything gets settled in, I imagine it's kind
of jarring to go from riding one of your friends
on horseback to not anymore. How do you, like,
signal, like, you stop, and you're like, like,
I want to change, get off, get off, no! And you
turn, and they're like... So I imagine that there's
a short period of time where they're trying to
get re -established, and Crispin maybe picks
his bag back up, and he's ready to start walking.
He goes, wait, wait. That over there, that's
some yarrow. Hold on, I need to... He goes over
and he grabs this herb off the desert floor and
he pulls a couple of things out of his bag and
he steeps a tea really quick. This is literally
Steven if you ever hike with him. He'll just
be enjoying the day and he'll be like, wait,
is that yarrow? And just run off the trail half
a mile and like, all right, see you later, Steven.
So Crispin sets about making this quick little
tea. And what he's actually doing is he's casting
augury as a ritual casting. Oh. So he takes the
10 minutes. He steeps his tea, tosses it back
real fast. If I can, I want to end the scene
with this, with the results of your augury. Okay.
That's okay. Yeah. For dramatic tension and whatnot.
I want to take the moment that you're taking
10 minutes to do this, and I want to use that
narratively. to shift focus to Jules and dance,
because this is a period of time where you guys
are stopped. Crispin's doing something, preparing
a spell, and it seems like a time for catching
up. As you prepare your ritual, we zoom over,
where dance and Jules await quietly. Jules, you've
been on the trail for a short while now. Maybe
it's been one hour, actually. A little over an
hour. We'll say maybe an hour fifteen. You've
made some good headway on horseback, but your
wound is still fresh. What does Jules look like
in this moment? You have a new goal in mind,
but where are you at mentally? Hang on, I'm going
to need a second. Yeah, that's fine. I haven't
thought this far ahead. No, Jules is asleep.
He just passes out. Jules is asleep. Yeah, come
back to me later. He is... His mind is a rage
focused solely on Miskin, but it's the kind that
he knows that behind it all is still grief that
he knows he'll have to go through the stages
of at some point. But for now, his focus on Miskin,
while it's wholly important, is also a bit of
a pacifier. Hell yeah. That makes sense. That
makes so much sense. I love that. So maybe you're
just standing there in the midst of the desert,
dances by your side, and there is just this quiet
between you until she finally steps up to you.
I had been looking forward to meeting you again,
Jules. I've heard a lot about you from the refugees
of Sarul. You were like Mateo. He liked to act
a brute, but he was actually very kind. Sweet.
He was not content with only saving lives. He
wanted to make people smile. And they say, your
people say you are much the same. I don't know
about all that. I'm just doing what's right.
Sibilon's death. It was a heavy loss, I know,
I understand. I just hope that we have not lost
that Jules Laroche I have heard of as well. A
piece of me is gone. I don't know what else to
say. You don't need to explain yourself. It's
okay to hurt. It's okay. I don't... I would never
take that from you. That's all I got for you
right now. Jules... And she steps closer and
kind of reaches out towards your right arm. Towards
the necrotic, darkened flesh. What happened?
I think... Jules winces as she reaches out. And
then he doesn't respond with words. He reaches
out with that hand, seeing if Dance will grab
it. She does not stop looking directly into your
eyes as she reaches out and takes your hand.
He gives a little squeeze, turns his head to
look off in the distance. Your people will need
you too. I had thought, perhaps if we were to
bring you to the House of Convalescence on the
Citadel, we could maybe fight Serenno, maybe
save you, but... Don't be mistaken. I'm not going
anywhere. Good. My, the victims in Los Cavalanes,
they have no freedom to leave. You saw the guard
as we left the city. Every gate watched. Should
those who said not to leave, the trust in us
soldiers would take them. There is so much, too
much to do. We have to save this child. We have
to save you and Ramin. But there's so much hurt.
There won't be when we succeed. And we will.
We will. I think she just smiles. And maybe just
lightly under her breath. Maybe you don't even
hear it. She just says, there you are. And...
No, I think he hears it. Oh, shit. I think he
hears it. Oh, shit. He just gives another little
squeeze. God, they're so in love. And now we'll
pan away to Crispin Dubois, about to drink his
little tea. Let's talk about this. Tell me about
Augury. So we've talked a little bit about how
the Augury spell works. I can't really imagine
you using it as the text is written. Basically,
you ask about a course of action that you plan
to take within the next 30 minutes. I'm seeing
that as just if I continue in this direction.
You know what I mean? Yes. You ask this of an
otherworldly entity. And you are supposed to
be able to get four possible almonds. Weal for
good results. Woe for bad results. Weal and woe
for both good and bad results. Or nothing for
results that aren't especially good or bad. So
maybe not always super helpful. I'm guessing
that you'll think of something else, something
more fun. I'll give it a shot. One thing. Okay.
So Crispin finally finishes his tea and takes
it in two hands, knocks it back real quick, and
then when the cup is empty, he places it, cup
end down on the ground, holds it there with both
hands for a moment, speaks one last. part of
the spell, and then turns the cup over to read
the tea leaves. I think it matters a lot to be
specific with this kind of magic. So I'm going
to ask you, Crispin, what does success mean to
you right now? It could mean avoiding combat.
It could mean accomplishing a specific goal or
reaching, striving towards that specific goal.
Because I'm going to answer based on that specific
question that you have in your heart right now.
Success means accomplishing the goal of finding
Miskin while achieving some form of safety. We've
already had a party death, and that's what...
Crispin is hoping to avoid another death. Safety.
Okay. You wait. Just a moment, you wait. And
just around the edge of the cup, you hear this
like, as you see like a pebble against the edge
of the cup begins to rumble, shake, bouncing
off of it. And you feel it beneath your feet,
shaking. The ground shaking. Almost violently.
Somewhere above you in the clear skies, you hear
a crack of thunder. And Jules, you experience
none of this. As the thundercrack sounds above
you, you take it as a sign to move the cup? Yeah.
Crispin's gonna... Flip the cup. Wheel and whoa.
You almost, as you lift it, the vibrations in
the ground seem to turn the tea leaves forming.
You can do it. You can. And we're going to pan
away from that. Back to the city. Back to the
Salazar estate. To a secret revolutionary, uh...
I guess, barracks slash bunker beneath it to
a meeting with revolutionary leader Paloma, who
has just put forth the very intriguing question
of how are we going to overthrow the Trezina?
And if I remember right, Blanche, you had a pretty
violent response to that question. Yeah, so Blanche
is just in the beginning of taking a puff on
the cigar, and she... Coughs it out. Damn, this
is going to take me a second. Maybe two or three
tries. Overthrow the... No, that's not it at
all. I liked it. That sounded fine. Overthrow
the what? That's not it at all. That sounds good
to me. It sounds very much like the first time
you came in. So I just looked at Stephen's computer
a moment ago, and he just had Google image results
for Marge Simpson. No, it's just sexy Marge Simpson
pictures. There is one sexy Marge Simpson picture.
I'll give you that in the top right -hand screen.
Oh, sexy Marge Simpson. Oh, I love it. That's
maybe the one I've been looking at the most.
I think Paloma notes this and just nods towards
you, kind of smiling, blowing out of smoke. Let
me get this voice again. Relax. The revolution
will handle the long game. The gemstone conqueror
wasn't built in a day, but... Wow. You don't
have to narrate my water. What a question. Well,
I really just showed up here. I don't know much
of this Jules LaRoche myself. I'm here for my
student to protect my tadpole, Jean Franklin.
Hello. I am Jean Franklin Montelio, lord of House
Montelio, future heir of the Nine Pools and bearer
of the Band of the Golden Bear. I think I got
that right. In this here... is Master Defense
Blanche Trudeau. He does that every time. It's
important. Titles are important. We all need
titles. Well, Jean, maybe you can explain to
both of us, as she gestures to herself and Paloma,
how we got here. Or Dresden can explain it. Absolutely
not. Damn it! Look, Jules Laroche, the one you
just mentioned, he's dying of serenade. We need
to stop serenade. We were told by Dance Macabre,
Gabriel Cortez, who might have a thing with him.
We're not really sure yet. But anyway, we've
been told that you are to help us. So here you
are asking us to help you. What can you do for
us? I could sense it, by the way. They were totally
into each other. Sir, that's not appropriate.
I've seen those looks before. Dresden, introduce
yourself. Everyone looks at you dressed in...
So far, Paloma does not look impressed. I'm here
on behalf of Jules. He's my best friend. My brother.
Now that's promising. Alright. And, uh... Sam,
I know you. And Ramin just kind of waves. He
doesn't need to be here. Um... Jules trusts every
single one of us. Alright. Alright, yeah. Then
we can talk. Let me rephrase my earlier comment.
I don't exactly want a lot of you to overthrow
the Tressina. More accurately, I want you to
disarm them. I want to split them off into their
two greatest weapons. Serato and Moffil Ironworks.
And I think both of these can be accomplished
in one swing. I'm listening. Disarm is a language
I speak. Good. Good. We have some common ground.
Now, what comes up next is... Well, it's very
secretive. So, I want you to think it through.
You want to step away, now's the time to step
away. You want to step forward? We're all here.
Eatsman Del Prado. Heard the name? Tell me. CEO
of Marfil Ironworks. A big deal, but not well
-known. So let's get down to it. Tomorrow night,
in celebration of the start of the Night of the
Remembered, Martha Ironworks is hosting a dinner
party at the manor of CEO Itzmin Del Prado. Itzmin's
a character of interest to the revolution, as
many believe his enigmatic ways and lack of public
appearances is a result of the Tresina holding
him and his company hostage. He's a weapon. A
shield. He is the pillar of their power. The
works make this city. And Itzman owns the works,
but who owns Itzman? What makes you think it's
them and not him? To be honest, just speculation.
I don't really know. No one really knows. These
are serious accusations. You better be damn sure
you're right. I can tell you this. The Tressina
are bad. Criminals. Oppressive monsters. Perhaps
we're just wishfully thinking that Itzmin's one
of us. The fact that he hasn't made a statement,
any public statement in ages, seems to point
to that. But we don't know. Everything's a risk.
And it makes it worse that reaching him is nearly
impossible. He lives in the hill, never leaves
the hill, and Marfil's pandited guardian armors
heavily patrol every inch of that place. You
don't get in easy. The way I see it, there's
three main ways you might find a way in. I was
just about to ask. I did my homework. Now, there's
the simple method. You could brute force your
way past the armored guard. Get into the party
somehow without attracting attention. Past the
staff, the guests, the Laroche guard. Yeah, that's
right. They're rumored to be a real force of
Laroche men on world. We haven't seen hide nor
hair of them in the city. So we assume they're
all employed in the hill in secret. The Roche
Guards are my specialty. Hey, better and better.
Also, best not forget that Marthal's pet Luminary
will be in attendance as well. The Mighty Pig
Man. That's the one you can fuck with. Now, it
may be possible to go in without assistance.
Sword swinging, magic blazing, all that, but
I would not recommend it. So there are other
options. Problem is, I wouldn't recommend them
either. First, there's Serapio. He has... Connections
to the Tresina. He may be able to help get some
people in as staff or entertainment. Especially
if they're not openly connected to the revolution.
People like you. Serapio, I believe, despises
the Tresina as much as we do. Maybe more. But
our methods differ greatly and we do not see
eye to eye. His story is complicated. He's been
a citizen of Los Cavallones since he was a child.
Him and his mother, Rosa. They came from nowhere,
like most of us. But they were good people. I
knew Serapio as a boy. He'd run around the old
city all day, helping where he could. You might
know Gabriela Cortez, Dance Macabre. Her and
Serapio were inseparable as children. But Serapio
changed after Rosa died. Vanished for a while.
Gained power, connections. He took over the Rosa's
estate in his mother's name. He near openly challenges
the Treznor, yet they still fund him. He is a
dangerous, dangerous egotist. But his hatred
for the hill is legendary amongst the residents
of the old city. He might be the best ally we
have going forward, but he absolutely cannot
be trusted. I think Romian might actually speak
up. I'm sorry, but I do still require the helix
cactus petals. It's a medicine to help people
sleep. To help hold off on the killing effects
of Serenno. If we can work with Serapio, maybe
we can work those into the deal. The victims
could really use that medicine. The one time
I... saw and spoke with Serapio, I get the impression
he'd be one to stab us in the back. I like this,
because canonically, you weren't there when Serapio
was there, so I like to think that you, like...
Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no, this is great.
You literally, when you were walking in, Serapio
was walking out, and you probably had, like,
this really brief exchange now. Oh, okay. Canonically,
that happened. That happened now. All right,
all right. He was a dick. He was an asshole.
I could smell it on him. Right in the smell of
roses. He smells like someone who would stab
you in the back. Well, that just means that we
have to stab him first. There's one other option
if you're interested, though it's one I might
be less sure of. Our initial plan to get in was
to win Hogfight. The Mighty Pigman offered to
bring any victors of Hogfight as guests. Likely
against the wishes of Marfil, actually. This
is why Marfil did so much to keep Dance from
competing. We suspect they targeted Dance and
her allies with Serenno. And we know they've
been using their influence on the Crystal Network
to threaten off any interested luminaries that
may have joined her side. You may be able to
talk a charm that the pigman ended up taking
you as guests. I'm sure he still has such an
open invite. Now, during the days he is impossible
to speak to, his schedule is near. Endless dump
of promotional spectacles, important meetings,
yada yada, but we have a plant in his home staff.
His home gym in Fiestatown is where he retires
most nights, and I can get you in. We don't understand
Pigman. He's reported to be a true luminary,
kind and just, great with kids, all that. Yet
he is a staunch ally of Marfil Ironworks and
of the Tresina. He could be faking the whole
luminary bit, seems likely. And if that's the
case, and you announce yourselves as enemies
to the Tresina, I'd imagine that somebody so
powerful with so few friends To relate to. Might
get, uh... She adjusts her position, sticks her
hip out a little. Might get kind of lonely. Sir!
No, sir! He's... The Mighty Pigman is a lumin...
He's one of the top luminaries. I think he's
number three. You can't simply try to... Master!
Sir, please! I know how to speak to a warrior.
Gross! He steps away. Where could one run into
the pig man, Paloma? It's got to be home. You
can go tonight. I can get you in. Like I said,
I don't know if you want to trust him. But it's
one of those three options. It's all I can figure
out. So it's up to you now. I'm going to need
one thing. Oh, God. Sir, please, sir, don't say
it. A bottle of wine. No! Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. Here I thought we had Jules and Dance going
strong, and now suddenly we've got Blanche and
Pigman. Holy shit. Wild. Let's do it. Wild. I'm
going to kiss Pigman tonight. I want to. Right
on the snout. Okay. I want to make sure this
is agreed. Are we in agreement that pig man is
the route you want to take? That seems like the
safest option. Okay. And the most dangerous,
but... It's like, yeah, simultaneously the safest
and least safest option. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.
I'm not super keen on Serapio. No. And fighting
to get in doesn't sound like a super great idea
either. That is not smart at all. That was a
no immediately. That's like the GTA approach.
Oh, it's amazing. Amazing. All right. So we're
in agreement then. Wow, I didn't think this would
work. You still haven't told us what you're going
to give us. You get what you want from helping
us. Serenno. I told you, they're weaponizing
it. They're using it directly on revolutionaries.
They're using it directly on anyone that challenges
them. It's all connected in Itzmin. No matter
what side he's on, he'll know something. You
might not even have to get to Itzmin himself.
You might have a chance to explore the manor,
read some documents, anything. We just need information.
We need to know the source. We need the cure.
Dresden, I think as you say that, something comes
flashing back to you from your memory. I think
this idea of the cure, now you're learning more
about the situation here, pieces start connecting
into place. When Cirilla first received that
message, there was a line in it about how the,
what is this called, a Tlacatacolo? I don't know,
you made up the word. That was the, it's actually
from the book. This being was referenced. it
noted that preserving Serino was more important
than seeing the job done, so it was instructed
to flee if injured enough. The implication being
that if you were to kill this thing, find it
and kill it, its curse would die with it. This
information is unique to you, but I think it
all kind of flashes forward and you kind of hit
that realization now. I think as this happens
and he leaves, That flash, his eyes kind of flicker
a little bit. Tristan, are you okay? Yeah, we'll
do it. Good. Then you are now unofficial revolutionaries
of Sanction City. Congratulations, you have free
access to anything you want down here. I will
say, I don't know what's going to go down tonight,
but it might be dangerous and y 'all look pretty
tired. Tristan, you're actually on the edge of
exhaustion. I mean, like taking exhaustion points
because you've been awake since before the alley
fight. Can you fucking believe it? Do you have
extra bets here? Plenty. Take my own. Wink. I
think I will. Oh, no. It's everywhere. Love is
in the air tonight in Fancy Pants Studios. Holy
shit. Hey, guess what? You got to flirt with
all of us. I already flirted with you once today.
You only get one. You only get one. You only
get one. Yeah, we need to sleep before we do
this. All right. Rest here. When the time comes,
I'll speak to our plant. We'll set it all up.
All you need to do is show up at Pigman's villa,
his private gym estate. We'll get you in. After
that, it's on you. Oh, boy. I suddenly realize
I don't know how to flirt. What's your charisma?
Oh, yeah, that's a good. Oh, no. Yeah, it's low.
It's low. Okay, good. Great. This is going to
be. Yeah. Start setting up your third backup
character, if you will. Oh, no, that's right.
You got to go alone. Yeah. He's going to know
something's up if you don't go alone. We're really
going for this. This is wild. We're really doing
this plan. It's the honeypot. Fuck yeah. I'm
into it. This is great. This is content, baby.
Yeah, it's going to be excellent. Holy shit.
Anything else you guys want to ask? Paloma knows
a lot about the city. Revolution. Stuff you want
to know about. Feel free now. We're going to
get some breakfast. You know what? I think we'll
lie. Food will be supplied to you because you're
super cool and you're helping out and that's
great and we love you. Perfect. And you're handsome.
I know. This plant of yours, what does he know
about the pig man? From what we've gathered,
not a lot. Pig man comes home at the end of the
day, trains fervently in the gym, passes out
exhausted, usually right in the middle of the
ring. Almost never retires to his actual bedroom
and then wakes up next morning, does it again.
He's a machine. No family, friends, social interaction?
Oh, no one knows about the pig man. Marfil's
made damn sure of it. No, his whole past obscured.
But it's a big thing with luminaries, like Sturge
Man. The more interesting or mysterious your
past, the bigger you get. Hell, that's why Jules
and Zeb... Sorry. That's why they... Part of
why they got so big. I mean, their... Their pasts.
But interesting. Do we at least know if he likes
red or white? Oh, white. White? Let's see what
you think. He's honestly more of a tequila guy,
but... Well, how about like a... Like a Chardonnay?
He's not so highbrow, but... Well, I mean, I
want to bring something I like, too. He likes
to drink. He'll drink anything. We know that.
He's a drinker. Then I'll need your finest bottle
of Chardonnay. It ain't great, but yeah. I'll
get it. I'll give it to you. The resistance.
How powerful is your force? Not very. We can't
match them. I mentioned the armored guard, right?
In those things, the guardian armors, they make
magical suits, powerful, autonomous, and working
for Marfil, working for the Tressina. Hell, if
they wanted to march down the city with those
things, they'd raise us in an hour. And there
are no known weaknesses for these walking suits
of armor? She just smiles, blows out a cigar.
If there are, it's been Del Pato will know about
it. He designed them. All right. Well, sounds
like we won't get much more until we get in there.
All right. Any questions, Dresden? Nope. So this
group is ready to retire for now, take a long
rest, and then continue their investigation by
seducing the mighty pig man. See, what you need
to do is just break into his house, scatter a
bunch of roses everywhere, and be waiting for
him on the bed when he gets home. Yeah, when
I woke up this morning, I knew this is what I
was going to do. This is the greatest episode
of Fanny's Pants ever. Wild. Oh, no, that's coming.
That's when we actually do this. Wild. Okay,
okay. Jean Franklin is perma -blushing, super
flustered, cannot deal with this. This is the
new direction things have taken. I also should
mention, while Jean Franklin is now canonically,
narratively, Jules' sidekick, things have gotten
real murky because Jean Franklin is now, by sheet
and mechanical terms, Blanche's sidekick. He
is now on your sheet. Ramin Rasool is now your
sidekick. Yeah, John Franklin is like sidekick
in spirit. Yes. Yeah, I mean, regardless to whose
story sidekick he is, I'll be controlling him
in battle. So from that perspective, he's Steven's
sidekick. There are mechanical sidekicks and
there's narrative sidekicks. Narrative sidekick
is capitalized est, and that's how we tell it
apart in speech. Good. Now it's not confusing
anymore. Now it's not confusing at all. Oh, this
feels so weird to see Ramin's sheet. Oh, man.
Look at how familiar this sheet is. Yeah, it's
going to take a minute to get used to. We'll
get you used to it. I feel like I'm peering behind
the DM curtain here. I also feel bad because
you have two new sidekick sheets to get used
to, and that's my transition back to the desert.
Oh, God. Because I've also added Dance Macabre
to Jules LaRoche's side to get our sidekick sheet.
So it's a bit of a learning curve. So you're
saying I can make both Jules and Dance do whatever
either of them wants to? In combat! In combat!
You want to go with Megalfest? Sure, but Crispin
dies. What? Because you'll be alone! I don't
care how many diecards you can turn into. Huh?
Never mind. We're getting saucy in here. Hey,
guess what? The sun sinks low on the edges of
the desert as it sort of... Falling behind the
mountains. There's still daylight for now. But
it's almost up. Almost gone. Sereno, that creeping
illness. You can feel it on your spine, Jules.
Coming to grip you, claim you, tear you back.
But not yet. Not quite yet. As you move, a village
begins to resolve itself before you. Through
the... swirling dust of the windy plain. You
see a small village. Small wooden adobe buildings.
Maybe 20 or so total. Very similar to Manzanares,
where you first landed. You know you're looking
at Milpizul. And as you take this in, you begin
to hear the screams. Sounds like wood smashing.
People, a number of people screaming out. Somewhere
ahead. What do you do? Quick, Jules. Crispin
starts to run towards the village. Oh, fuck me.
Jules is gonna die. Hey, dance is fresh. Yeah.
Fuck. Quick, Jules. Don't die. I have no bardic
inspiration. I have, like, nothing. Dance is
already running. I mean... Okay, that was player
Jeremy talking. Jules is, of course, going to
run. We all know Jules is, of course, going to
run. Yeah. It's scary. You know, as you run,
you start to take stock of the situation. Sharpie
mentioned that there were a number of bounty
hunters that were going to be waiting outside
the town, building up their forces until going
in to attack the creature, the demon that's been
slaughtering them in the desert. Some great winged
beast. It makes you think of something. Now you
hear battle inside. You see tracks just outside
town. Looks like a large collection of them.
Maybe like old spots where like a small camp
was set up, but now abandoned as these tracks
have charged in deeper. The attack has begun.
Before we go any further, can I cast Bless? Hell
yeah, you can. All right. You can bless up to
three creatures of your choice within range.
Whenever a target makes an attack roll or saving
throw before the spell ends, the target can roll
a D4 and add the number rolled to the attack
or the save. Okay. Hell yeah. All of you are
blessed. Magical Light overtakes you as you begin
to run. You feel a little more invigorated. Pushing
forward, quickly pushing into the town itself,
following these tracks, following these screams
that go louder and louder. You begin to hear
sounds of metal clashing on metal, more wood
breaking. And you see the building it's all coming
from. There's a large pub, the biggest building
in the town. You see a sign dangling in front
of it that's simply labeled as the Milpizul Pukeria.
You see a number of people are standing outside,
watching towards windows and towards saloon doors
with horrified looks. And as they see you, they
begin to scatter out of your way. Just, more
hunters! There's more of them! Just do your business
and go, please! We have nothing to do with your
war! Just yelling out towards you. And the way
is clear. Do you want to head into the bar? What
do you mean? What's going on in there? Hunters
from outside the town, they've come in. They
started attacking this... This thing that's been
living in the bar, we've been living it alone,
but they're tearing the whole place apart. They're
dying in there. And you hear like a, and then
they're like monsters. Beastly roar from inside.
Can we see anything inside? You said the saloon
doors? Yeah. You don't push them open. You can
take a look in. I can't look over or under them?
I mean, if you look under, you're just going
to see like a bunch of feet. In front of you,
you see, like, maybe, like, three, maybe four
sets of feet close by, one body lying not far
from the entrance. And, like, beyond that, it's
hard to make out. All right. How about, like,
a perception check? I need a perception check.
Fine. Fine. Like, I'm just trying to make sure
we're not going to run into fighting, like, a
stray dog or something. 14. 14, you see feet.
You're looking down and past the feet. You catch
this glimpse of, like, a number of other figures
are sort of up towards the front. Like, there's
a bar maybe 50 to 60 feet away from where the
door is. And it's kind of an open, straight room
up until that point. So a number of figures are
moving in, almost like standing back. And then
beyond them, at the foot of the bar, you see,
like, four figures. And you catch a moment as
something that you can't quite make out, something
that seems to be standing on the bar, blasts
fire down. And all of them just are taken by
smokescreens. And that's what you make out. All
right. I'll bite. Okay. Stay behind me. And Crispin
grabs his club in one hand and opens the door
with the other. And Dance looks to you, Jules.
Stay behind me, too. And she opens the other
door, fists ready to go, taking a combat stance.
Jules comes up next to Dance. There's only two
doors. You look in. There's only two doors. You
try. You're peeking in, and you see that right
now where the bar, where the fire just hit the
floor, you can barely make out the blackened
remains of some bodies, and you see thick smoke
filling the air around that spot, covering the
bar, but you see there's something large in the
smoke. something pushing it away in gusts. You
hear another scream as something gets cut down
from inside. You see there's four rough -looking
figures in dark mercenary leather about halfway
across the room towards that bar. Weapons are
drawn. They are facing the smoke. They are not
taking any stock of you. And you see that smoke
begins to clear. The flames flickering down from
the blackened bodies of the four figures that
were now lying just below that bar and standing
atop it. A figure begins to resolve itself. You
see great wings spread out, a dark grin and a
monstrous face, a hulking body covered in gleaming
brass scales. Oh, shit. You see Arhalon. Oh,
shit. And we'll call it there. Welcome to Fantasy
Pants Story Hour with your humble host, David
Munro. It's very sexy. Very sexy. All right.
So I did some digging around at home and I found
it. I found it. So without further ado, Fantasy
Pants presents Fantasy Pants Story Hour, I guess.
It's a thing. A dramatic reading of evil giant
mutant spiders that try to take over the world
by... 10 -year -old David Monroe. So brew up
your favorite cup of tea, sit back in a nice
shea lounge, and enjoy this excerpt from Chapter
5. That's showbiz. Just have the moment. Demi,
my childhood nickname, and a bunch of his friends,
including Steven, in fact, Mr. Steven Rodriguez,
are caught between two giant space tarantulas
in Demi's house. Now, Demi has just charged at
one of them. bounced off of its head, in quotes,
that's what I said, to reach an incredibly wide,
convenient vent that I guess was just kind of
in my house. I climbed all the way outside, found
a big rock, and climbed back into the vent with
the rock before the spiders had a chance to attack
my friends. And now, returning to the scene,
we read, Now's my chance, Demi whispered to himself.
A cruel smile grew over Demi's face. It's showtime,
he said to himself. Lights, Demi said, and he
turned on his flashlight and shined it on the
spider's head. Camera, he said. I did this in
the podcast. Camera, he said, making a small
scope with his fingers. And action. Demi dropped
the rock and it hit the spider's head with a
crack. The spider fell onto the ground, dead.
Demi jumped out of the vent and landed on the
spider's gut squished under his feet. That's
not a sentence. That was great, but I forgot
to turn the camera on. We'll just have to play
it again, Demi said, looking down at the dead
spider, then looked up at the live one. His eyes
narrowed and his smile grew. Catch, he said,
picking up the rock off the ground and throwing
it to Steven. Spider killing, take two, he said,
as Steven threw the rock at the spider and killed
it. Cut and print. It's nothing. It doesn't mean
anything. Cut. Cut. Cut and print. Demi choked.
The four boys ran off before they could get attacked
by any more spiders. Nice job back there, Craig
said to Demi. That's showbiz. Demi said giggling.
pants people pants people tell us how many of
you would like to see us make some merch that
says it's showbiz cut and print let us know maybe
we'll make it happen this has been fancy pants
reading hour. I forgot the fucking segment title.
Have a good night. Enjoy.