Too soon. He caught me in the bathroom. You're
supposed to knock. You're supposed to knock first.
I said do something with it. And that's where
you went? I'm very tired. What the hell? Welcome,
everybody, to another episode of Roll Em. Right?
We rolling them again? We're rolling them again.
I'll roll. So if you are caught up, if you listen
to Monday's episode, you would know that we are
bringing in... The backups. Oh, we are so going
to have to put a spoiler warning on this. Yeah,
yeah. Just in case people aren't caught up. Hopefully
they will listen to that one before this one
because it's very important to know why we are
doing this. And the reason is because I'm crazy
and I want to do something fun and weird. And
these guys are perfect gentlemen and always go
along with my zany bullshit no matter what it
is. Thank you guys so much for that. Yes, we
willingly go along. Listeners, it is true. I'll
put the handgun away. We willingly go along.
We trust you. We trust you. But do you trust
the dice? Because today, here and now, we're
about to roll the numbers for these new characters.
And last time, last time didn't go so well. Yeah,
well, we don't trust them yet. But we're going
to grab our holy water from our level one cleric,
Rochelle. Oh, wow. I don't think the mic's going
to get this opening it up, but I'll try. Ooh,
I think I got it. It sounded nice. It sounded
great, too. It's not real nice. It's that high
-quality bottle that Rochelle sent us. You keep
that holy water off of me. Oh, it's going on
you first. No! Don't you... No! I only got a
small. Yep, I got David first. Now I got to get
my dice. It's a good thing I pissed in it. You
got to get the red dragon in there, too. Oh,
yeah. Absolutely. Oh, hey, I got some dice here
if you want to. You know what? Oh, thank you.
Wow. I'm saving these ones for the boss fight
now. That was so wholesome. Hey, I mean, as much
as we are all friends here. For now. For now.
I got a for now and a sure. Just you wait. I'm
surprised after that last episode. Well, last
week's episode. The last Zeb and Jules encounter.
I'm surprised we're still friends. Well, I mean,
that wasn't entirely your fault. That was the
dice. Eh, well. Yeah. A lot of the dice. So,
gentlemen, the age -old question. Who would like
to start us off? You want to roll a dice about
it? Yeah, I think we should roll a d20. Whoever
goes highest rolls first. Okay. I'm into it.
I was going to suggest flipping the pick. Oh,
that's even better. The pick of destiny. Yes.
The pick of minor destiny. The pick of minor
destiny. Sorry. You're right. Just a little bit
of destiny. Don't want to oversell that pick.
It's a fine pick. It's a fine pick. Okay. Who's
who? You call it. It's your pick. No. No. You
call it. I refuse. David, you call it. My finger's
on my nose. Jeremy Heads, Stephen Tales. Okay.
Heads is the maker's mark. Heads is the mark.
It's heads. It's heads. Jeremy's up first. All
right. No, that means I get to choose. I'm going
second. That's fine. I don't care. I'll go first.
All right. Oh, this is exciting. This is so,
so exciting. Okay, so you know the rules. It
is 4d6. You take the highest. If I was a nice
DM, you'd be roll ones. But you know that that's
not true because you rolled like 16 ones the
first time around. So can you do better than
that? So you're going to roll them. I'm going
to open up a notes document, and I want you to
roll 46 and tell me the three highest numbers.
So the three highest numbers, the one drops.
Yeah, the lowest number drops. And we do this
six times. Okay. Here we go. Okay, let me know
what you get. Let me know the three highest,
and I will jot them down on my notepad. 13. Ooh,
not a bad start. Yep, not a bad start. Thank
you for adding them for me, because that would
have been hard for me right now. Fifteen. Oh
my gosh! This is going well. That is the highest
you'll get on standard array, so you're doing
very well right now. Fuck yeah. I'll take it.
This is going well. Thirteen. These backups!
Oh my gosh. I think thirteen was Jules' highest
roll. Yes. I'm pretty sure. It might have even
been 12. It's nuts. It's nuts. So what are we
at? This is number four? This is number four.
All right. Fucking 15. Oh, my God. These characters
are so powerful. At least this one is. Yeah.
I can't wait to see the mass disparity between
Dresden and Crispin. Yeah, I know. You know what?
It's going to be fine. Either way, it's going
to be fine. Come on, get six in there. One bad
number. Lowest number yet. Twelve. Oh, wow. That's
one more. That's one more. These stats. Unbelievable.
Oh, my God. Oh, well, I can see a five and a
three. No, that's a nine. Okay. Okay. You got
one dumb stat. Congratulations. That's better
than saying it right. That is a good setup. All
right, Steven, what do you want me to leave in
here? What do you want me to take out? Well,
I'm going to use the metal die we got from Jason.
I'm going to use the die from my set that I got
from my wife, the die that we got from Rochelle,
and let me get that Zoobeard D6. Oh. We get that
gold vein. I like it. I mean, we don't usually
cross die over the table here, but... Quick,
bless it. Yep, I'll take a quick bless. Thank
you, thank you, thank you. Absolutely, anytime.
Okay, I'm a little nervous. You should be. What?
What? What? What? I rolled three sixes. What?
David, you are fucked. The legendary 18? Is this
a joke? These blessed die. Holy crap. People
are going to think we fudged this. They know
I wouldn't allow that. I hate this. Holy hell.
I almost feel bad. No, no, you know what? You
put Zebulon for a long time to get this. I kind
of hope the rest of them are not great. It's
going to be funny when you have these amazing
backups and you still have these two primary
characters who are just less good. I'm telling
you, don't kill Zeb and Jules because you will
be fucked. Actually, the build I have in mind
is going to require more than just one good stat.
So let's see what happens. It's MAD. It's MAD.
Multiple Attribute Dependent. Okay, I didn't
know what that was. Okay, let's see if I can
follow up that 18. Let's see. What? It's a 17.
What the f - I - Oh. Wow. Is this okay? Are we
gonna keep going with this? They're blessed.
They're blessed. I keep going. This is the game.
This is what happens. Okay. Don't for a second
think that I can't still fuck you up. I know.
It just feels too good to be true. I'm just waiting
for the other shoe to drop here. It's gonna drop,
damn it, right now! What? It's 14. You are so
full of baloney. You got three more. You got
three more. 18, 17, 14. You got three chances
to shit the bed. This is gnarly. This... It's
night and day, these two characters. All right,
there's a 10. There's a 10, see? Your karma's
coming. Whoa, there's a six. Oh, there's three.
Oh, shit. I read that as an eight. I mean, so
far, before you roll the last one, I want to
say this is almost the perfect inverse of Zebulon,
who rolled one good stat. Right. And then everything
else was, like, completely, like, you rolled
so bad, it's mind -boggling. Yeah. A five and
a six. Yeah. Like, truly insane. Just, yeah.
This is, like, your karma. You deserve this.
I... You earned this. Okay, I'll take it. Don't
you worry about it. Don't you worry about it.
Last one. I mean, there's really no losing. I'm
really bad at balancing encounters. You're going
to go through hell anyway. It's another 17. Holy
shit. Hey. I'm like considering like selling
half of that bottle. Look, here's the nice thing,
though, for me, right? Your build means that
most of the time, you're not using your own stats.
I don't know if we've gotten into this yet in
the main show, but next, let's move on from this.
Let's talk about your build, Steven. Let's go
into this. Sorry, I'm still in shock. Okay. Wow.
Yeah. Jeez. Hey, this is a real, true, luminary,
tried and tested. You know what? I love that
Crispin is the badass starting off that Zebulon
wasn't. Yeah, Crispin Dubois is no joke. Crispin
Dubois is a Circle of the Moon druid with a barbarian
dip. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, nice. Nice. So the idea
is to kind of have some cool... druid spells
that are going to help outside of combat with
adventuring. Then when the shit hits the fan,
kind of all in on that wild shape and rage. It's
going to be cool. It's going to be fun as hell.
Yeah, so he'll be pretty tanky, which is funny
because he is a small -sized Haringan. Yeah,
that's right. It just seemed fun, but also really
cool. You and your fondness for tiny characters.
He's not that short. I mean, he's short. But
he's not tiny. Is everyone actually technically
medium or small? No, I think he's a medium creature.
Okay. He's tiny now. Jeremy, what's going on
with Dresden, huh? What's his build going to
be? Just in case the folks at home haven't heard
yet. I got Dresden as a fighter. Went with a
variant human on this one so that I can get an
extra feat. Hey, never hurts. My martial archetype,
I'm going with the Echo Knight. Ooh, hell yeah.
I had the pleasure of playing this in another
campaign. I had the displeasure of DMing for
this in another campaign. And oh my god, the
Echo Knight. It's fucking wild. The things you
can do, it's fun. I'm not going to dive too deep
into it, because anybody that doesn't know it,
I want to experience it. And you'll experience
it very soon, folks. Just you wait. What does
that mean, David? I will say we were recording
this before the episode where these characters
make their real debut in the spotlight. So really,
what are you saying, David? Oh, who knows? Yeah,
and I picked for my two feats, I got Piercer
and Crusher. So I'm going to be dealing you some
fucking damage, my friend. This is a brutal.
brutal characters. I love it. It's like the frontline
party that your main party doesn't have going
on. You have Jean Franklin as your main frontline
tank, and now who knows what these guys are going
to have. You have no sidekicks to start, but
hey, those slots might get filled. Or maybe I
won't let them get filled because you're so powerful.
Who knows? Yeah, I'm looking at the rest of this
build and this is going to be unfair. I don't
know how we're going to keep this entertaining
because we're just going to be so fucking OP.
Did you remember? Okay. Do you remember what
happened? The last time we recorded. We survived.
The owl situation. Sort of. Barely. Dude, I was.
We survived with shitty characters. I actually
never said this during the recording. I said
it afterwards. I don't want to spoil much, but
let's just say Zebulon did nine damage at the
very end. I had eight HP, and the threshold was
to get below. You got the threshold by one HP.
It was that close. I was going to end the episode
with either this thing being chased off. Or this
thing going for the kill shot on Jules. That
was it. That was going to be the ending. I had
it in mind. I didn't know which one was going
to be. And it all came down to that damage roll.
It's just going to be tight. Make strong characters.
I'm okay with that. Because I can make stronger
villains. How about you guys take just a few
minutes here and allocate those stat points.
And we'll come back. And you can tell us what
your stats are currently with all your bonuses
for racial bonuses, all that. And we'll have
these characters fully ready to go. Knock him
out the fucking factory floor and we'll do some
shit. Are we saving HP till the end? Oh my gosh.
That's four levels of HP. You guys want to roll
that? I'm okay doing either rolling all four
levels or we can just start with the average
and continue to roll from there. I'm going to
leave that up to you. Let's roll all four, but
first you got to do your stat points so we know
what your con is. Okay. So take your time. Do
that. We'll get right back to you guys in a minute.
Let's do it. All right, and we are back, and
we have some numbers all set to go in these stat
blocks. First things first, we did a little talking.
Another thing we had to bring up was what we're
going to do for starting gold and equipment.
I gave these gentlemen 400 gold each, as I am
very generous, which they spent on a number of
trinkets they can tell you about or they cannot
tell you about. It's up to them. First things
first, what I want to hear about is your stats.
Jeremy, you were the first one to roll up your
numbers. Uh -huh. Where'd you put them? I put
my two highest numbers, the 15s, into strength
and dexterity. Solid. And my two 13s I put into
constitution and wisdom. The 12 went into intelligence.
And then my nine dump stat went to charisma.
The exact opposite of jewels. Yeah, seriously.
Yeah. The exact opposite. Yeah. Yep. That's nuts.
How about you, Columbo, over there? What do you
got going on? Columbo? I don't know. Isn't he
a TV detective? He's an elephant. Sounds like
an elephant name. What are your stats? All right.
So after features and feats and stuff like that,
I ended up, I'll go down the line, strength ended
up being 18, dexterity 14, constitution 18. Intelligence
10. Ended up maxing out wisdom at 20. Oh my god.
And 6 charisma. I love the lack of charisma this
group has. Just no charisma, no social skills.
Yeah, but we got AC. Yep. This small -sized Haringan
has 16 AC without armor. That barbarian dip.
Because of that barbarian. Nice. Yeah. That's
crazy. Nuts. I've got Dresden up to 18. Nice.
Dude, holy shit. Which makes me very happy. Yep.
Makes me very happy. Yeah, you guys live in a
different world now. What's it feel like being
good characters? Uncomfortable. Honestly. I feel
like we've done so much with so little for so
long that we're given this bounty and it just
doesn't feel right. Oh, don't worry. I'll find
a way to fuck you up. Just you wait. Not if we
fuck you up first. With that said, do you guys
want to share what you spent your starting gold
on, or do you want to keep that a secret? Let
me see. Yeah, I'll share the most exciting one.
The other one can just, and winner if it ever
appears. I got a horn of silent alarm. This horn
has four charges. When you use an action to blow
it, one creature of your choice can hear the
horns blare, provided the creature is within
600 feet of the horn and not deafened. No other
creature hears sound coming from the horn, and
the horn regains 1d4 expended charges daily at
dawn. That's pretty nifty. It's pretty nifty.
That's going to be a fun one, if we ever decide
to split the party or whatnot. Or whatnot. Tell
me what you got going on over there. Eh, nothing
fancy. Ooh. Nothing fancy. Keeping it a secret,
huh? I mean, most things don't really merit talking
about. I did get a ring of obscurity, which is
pretty neat. That's pretty fancy. It's a little
fancy. Sounds fancy. It's a little fancy. Yeah,
it creates kind of a fog centering around me
at first. Might allow for some good getaways.
There you go. There you go. Or hiding something.
Or hiding something. Now, with that done, remind
me, did we give you guys, did you guys roll your
initial HP or did we just go for the max? I think
that's the normal way is you go for the max you'd
get on your die, right? What? Oh. Your first
level. First level you get max. Yep. And then
you roll after that. That's what we have done.
Three rolls for HP. Okay. Which is actually a
weird one. So what are you taking first? Barbarian
or Druid? Well, yeah, I know. I mean, I guess
you tell me because you know the origin. of Crispin
becoming powerful like this? Well, it depends
on whether or not you feel like you had that
sort of innate rage if you were like a powerfully
built warrior before this origin. Because the
origin we talked about is basically how you gained
your druidic powers. Yeah. You may have been
strong and bulky and filled with the rage before
then, which means you're barbarian first. I mean,
I want to say yes, because then I'll get a D12,
but it doesn't feel... It's a Steven call. Nah,
we'll switch it up. We'll do Druid first. Okay.
So here's what we're going to do when it comes
down to rolling HP. I'm going to go through.
I just added up your con modifiers for 4th level,
what you'd be getting built up, plus you're going
to have your max HP rolled for your 1st level,
just like we did before. In this case, for 8
HP as a Druid at 1st level, and for a plus 4
bonus on your con modifier for every level, Crispin's
going to have 24 HP before we roll the three
dice for your three level ups. Yeah, buddy. Absolutely
insane. Woof. Yep. Drezin, in a similar fashion,
you had four HP, one for each level, plus a D10
to start off, so you have 14 HP to start this.
Sweet. Okay. Sweet. You're going to roll me,
Jeremy, three D10. And are we still going to
do the U roll and we take the higher, or are
we just going to straight up roll? Oh, that's
a good point. You know what? No. You just roll.
These characters don't need my help. You don't
get my blessings. We've always done this. Your
backups get my blessing. Or your main hits get
my blessing because they sucked. So wait, are
we re -rolling ones? At least give us that. Fine,
you can re -roll ones. Okay, we get to re -roll
ones. That's hard to say really fast, re -roll.
Re -roll ones. Re -roll ones. If you get two,
may the gods help your souls. Okay. Because I'm
not gonna. Here we go. All at once. I got two
ones. Two ones in there, yeah. I was so glad
you guys brought that up. Yeah, that would have
been... Oh my gosh. That would have been not
great. Not great. Not super great. All right,
not too bad. Above average, for certain. What'd
you get? I just said for certain. Yeah, you did.
What's the number? 22. 22? On top of that 14,
that's... Yes. That's solid. I'll take it. I
will absolutely take it. That's 36, right? Oh,
this is what health feels like. This is what
not dying every episode or almost dying every
episode feels like. It's pretty damn good. It's
pretty damn good. All right, I'm going to do
my two D8s first, and then I'll do the D12 last.
I can't wait until you add two in that D12. It's
going to make my whole day. It's going to make
my whole day to watch your face. All right, six.
Four. All right. All right. Here's the D12. Big
money. Big money. You got 34 now. Nine. Nice.
I'll take it. Fuck yeah. Oh my gosh. I'll take
it. That is incredible. I believe that puts you
at 43. Oh yeah, baby. Nice. Wild. Just wild.
All right. So here we are. We have two characters.
Two splendid characters. These guys are powerful.
Yeah. This is going to be... This is going to
be a lot of fun. This is going to be wild. This
is going to be fun. Yes. I mean, now you can
finally get some revenge on me. Yeah. Well, I
think that's that, folks, huh? You guys ready
to wrap this up? Yep. Because it's time to, for
us at least, throw these characters into the
spotlight and see how they do. It's time to play.
It's time to play. Zip it back up and get into
episode 41. All right. Well, in that case, we'll
call it there.