The following program is intended for mature audiences and may cause cancer in at-risk populations.
Fewer discretion is advised.
This program is intended for mature audiences and may cause cancer in at-risk populations.
Alright, alright, cut the music! Cut the fucking music! Cut the music now! What the fuck, Casey?
This is how we're starting this episode, episode 97, one of our most important episodes.
You're fucking calling ha- so Casey just cut out two minutes of great content.
It's okay, Tyler, it was basically like nothing.
No, it wasn't. We talked about Kanye West and how he was insane.
Welcome to Untold Podcast, episode 97.
This episode fucking sucks already. Fuck you.
This is the Kanye West Valentine's Day special.
Buy Kanye West merch, the slasika shirts.
Here with Kyle and Tyler.
Thank you, thank you.
My left stroke just went viral!
Oh, right stroke, put that baby in a spiral.
There's level two in here.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
It's me humble.
Sit down.
Go ahead, sit down.
What a start to the episode.
Sit down.
We left off, Kyle was telling the story.
If you got gigantic cans for the third time, I'm coming for you listeners, all right?
Male or female titties. I love titties. Love them all.
Would you fuck, would you, would you titty fuck a fat man?
If you have, if you were blindfolded and you were told it was a woman and then-
Do I get to blow a load on the face and take a picture after?
Yes.
Then yeah.
What if it was Casey?
I would titty fuck the shit out of Casey right now.
I'd make him my little toaster strudel. You like that, baby?
What the fuck?
It just sucks.
Anyway, Kyle, where did you leave off? Where did we leave off with your fucking-
We'll start off from the beginning because they didn't hear that.
My Valentine's Day story.
We have some sexy Valentine's Day stories for you guys.
He'll tell his, I'll tell you how I lost my virginity.
Casey, you got to think up a one.
Me and my buddy Pat, we get half-assed recruited to a D3 college to play lacrosse.
We go there, we wind up being roommates.
At the college, there was two floors.
The first floor had four quads on it.
Each quad had four rooms that shared a bathroom.
Pretty much wings, the quad was a wing.
But it was four rooms to the wing with the bathroom.
The first floor had a common room.
The second floor had a balcony that looked over the common room.
The entire building shared the common room.
Me and Pat lived in a triple.
There was one triple per quad.
But we didn't have a third roommate.
So our room kind of became the party room or whatever.
So everybody always came to our room to party, this and that.
I guess that's not that important to the story.
But this guy John lived in Syracuse, which was maybe 20 minutes from our college.
We were in school in Utica.
And he goes, why don't you guys come to my house, my parents house.
I'm going to throw a little house party, whatever.
It was one of those breaks where you got two days off in the week or whatever.
So you got a four day weekend.
So we go up there.
And this kid John, who lived next door to us.
Actually, I got two stories out of this.
Remind me to tell another story after this one.
Because John, a lot of things happened between me and John.
Great friends, still great friends.
But John, he met this girl, Carly on Tinder.
I don't know if it was Tinder or what.
It was a dating site.
I don't know if Tinder was around then.
Shout out to Carly.
Yeah. Carly's a good, she plays a pivotal part in this story.
But she's from Buffalo.
So he meets her.
She happens to be in the area.
She comes to the little house party at John's mom's house.
So now you got a picture.
We're all about 19 years old.
And we're getting fucked up.
We're just smoking Gravity Bongs, gas masks, and just drinking fucking Natty Lights.
Because that's the cheapest fucking beer.
We got no money.
None of us have jobs.
Natty Ice, dude.
And so we're all fucked up.
This girl Carly, it was a little pot look thing.
She made a fantastic pasta salad, right?
So good.
The right amount of vinegar, a couple of vegetables in there.
Pasta was so good.
Tri-color pasta.
Not that important to the story.
I like the fatness is coming out.
Adds a little color to the story.
There wasn't too much celery in it.
White people like to put a lot of celery in their fucking pasta salad.
I'm talking about the sex story, but goddamn, she made some really good fucking food.
It's not too important to the story, but it is.
Because the pasta salad was great.
So we decide that it was time to go to bed or whatever.
John and Carly are going to sleep on the floor.
And there's another couple, fucking Craig and Ashley, are going to sleep next to them.
And then there was three single guys in this room, which was me, Cody, who were at his house.
And Pat, my college roommate, we were like, all right, we were going to cat dog it on the bed.
But we were like, fuck, one guy is going to have two set of feet instead of one set of feet.
So we were like, fuck it, we're going to sleep normal and just no homo.
You always do something with the homo, and it's not homo anymore.
Right.
Craig and Ashley, you could tell they're already banging because that's all they do.
They've been together before college even started.
So they're banging.
And Carly decides to go down on John.
So she's blowing them.
And the three of us are just talking shit the whole time.
Like, oh, John, you getting your fucking dick sucked in front of the boys, fucking faggot.
Fucking hard dick out. There's more men in here than girls.
You know, we're just fucking we're just mad that we're not getting our dick sucked.
You know, as you would try to give him shit.
Finally, we calmed down and we're like, all right, let John do his business.
And we got nothing but throw blankets on except for like Cody.
So your cocks are out at this point, just under blankets.
Well, I'm pretty sure somebody's jerking off in the bed.
I'm not, you know, if I was, I'd gladly tell you. But I remember I had a blanket on.
I'm six foot two. So I got a blanket on that's about three foot tall.
Right. So it's not really covering anything up.
So my feet are hanging out, my head's hanging out.
Same thing with Pat. His feet are hanging out.
It's a twin size. No, it was a full size mattress.
Just enough to fit three broad boys in.
But our feet are hanging off the fucking bed.
And I just like all I'm hearing is dick sucking noises.
And it stops for like a second.
I was like, man, I'm like part of me was like, call John a faggot.
But out of nowhere, my big toe gets enveloped by a nice pair of fucking lips.
And she's blowing my big toe like it's a fucking like it's a hard cock.
And she like pulls off. It does that.
You know how when they pull off, they do that little mouth pop thing?
You know, she does that.
Then she goes down to Pat.
She would she sucked mine and Pat's fucking toes for 10 minutes straight.
Like she was going to get a nut out of them, bro. Jesus Christ.
It was the craziest fucking thing.
Like sticks with me to this day.
I'm like, she was trying to make my toe cum. Did you cum though?
Did you cum though?
Well, I came right after for sure.
That's when I turned around and fucking blew a load in the fucking bed sheets.
On the other side, you know, but the story gets better.
Like I've never I never see this girl again.
Right. Like so I'm like, whatever, it's go to suck my toes, which is fantastic.
Did you cock hard? I blew a fat load.
And then she went back to sucking John's cock or whatever the hell they did.
You know, he got his nut off after.
And so I'm like, I'm never going to see this Carly girl again. She's from Buffalo.
And so my friends grew back home.
We got this this kid, Chris, one of my best friends, and he's the version at the time.
Now we're like 21. Right.
I'm pretty sure he's still a virgin.
So we go up to Lee's campground. I own that.
Fuck you. And you fucking whatever fucking great grandpa.
Yeah. I'll put you all fucking prison. Remember that?
And so I get a quote like I just moved back probably a year and a half before this.
I get in a relationship, fall out of the relationship, start getting all my friends grew back from my school.
I just start hanging out with all these guys again.
So I get a text from my gay and black friend, Teddy. Right.
He's like, hey, we're going to Lee's campground. She come with us. I'm like, all right, I'll come up with you.
So it's me, Teddy, who's gay, black twink. Right.
My my best friend and comedy partner, Drew, who's just he's basically me with a bigger deck. Right.
And blonde hair and Chris, who I'm pretty sure he's never even got his fucking dick touched by a woman.
And we're all like 21.
And hold this virgin. Right. So we go up to Lee's campground.
Somebody has a bunch of mushrooms. Right. Nobody will do the mushrooms except for me. Right.
So I do a shit ton of mushrooms and drink like 30 beers.
And I'm sitting around this campfire just like spewing out my normal fucking rhetoric about the universe.
And when we die, it all go black. What was the whole reason?
Or, you know, I'm freaking everybody else. This girl who makes a bomb ass pasta salad, not a lot of celery in it.
And it tastes fucking great. This is great fucking pasta salad.
And she goes over to Chris and I can't really see her because it's dark out around the fire.
Me and Drew are just shotgun beers. We're just trying to get so fucked up that we just puke and pass out.
She goes over to Chris before I know it.
She's fucking Chris in the tent. I'm like, thank God Chris losing the fucking virginity card. I love it.
This is fantastic. So we go to bed. Me and Drew, we wind up spooning in the tent together.
Our gay best friend Teddy's having a fucking freak out with his gay lover, Frankie.
Why are you spooning a dude?
Because I'm high on mushrooms, 40 degrees out. We drink 38 beers each. Sometimes things happen.
Okay. That's not gay then.
It wasn't gay. My dick was going to come up no matter what.
I'm so fucking cranked out on mushrooms and beer that my dick can't even think for itself right now.
You could put a pussy in front of him and it's like, I don't know what I would do with that right now.
The fucking helmet's going to stay inside the foreskin.
So we wake up in the morning. Well, I woke up in the morning to go puke.
What do you do in the morning when you're hungover like that other than go fucking let out a fat fucking puke?
Who's sitting on the stump by the fireplace right in front of Chris's tent smoking a cigarette other than Carly from Buffalo who sucked my fucking toes?
I was like, Carly? You should say, yeah, that's me.
I was like, great fucking pasta salad. Even better, man. You made me cum by sucking my fucking toes.
I went over and went, went in the tent, walked through up and I said, bro, we got to go like right now.
And like, so the best part of the whole story is that Chris fucked a raw and he can't remember if he pulled out or not.
Oh, no. So we've never had contact with this girl Carly ever since.
And this was like 2015, just probably like fucking 10 years ago. He's got a fucking kid now.
And so we named the kid. We were like little Leroy fucking Lance is going to show up.
And he's like, Dad, Dad, you know, the same girl sucked my fucking toes, stole my friend's virginity card and is now harboring his kid.
Jesus Christ. So it was a 10 out of 10. You would recommend. Great fucking Valentine's Day story, you know? Yeah.
So you would recommend the toe sucking? Well, absolutely. I mean, like, if you if you're ever curious about it, just do it.
So I'll tell my my romance story. So I'll tell my my loss of virginity story.
I don't know if I told this one yet, but it's pretty it's pretty funny.
So I met this bitch on Tinder. She's a biochemical engineer.
Fucking she is going to RPI at the time.
And I was I went on a couple dates with her and then she took me back to you know, where the naughty pine is over in Troy.
Now, they wouldn't leave.
All right, I'm still here.
Oh, wait.
This dead air is brought to you by horse come dot com horse come.
It's a come from a horse horse come dot com.
So this is a Tyler show now.
So I'll just talk about some things that only Tyler cares about.
I had to go take a piss. Oh, I was Casey also took a piss.
So this was just a Tyler show for a couple of seconds.
My bladder was going to explode.
And I was like, so as I was saying, I matched with this Asian chick on Tinder and she was going to RPI at the time.
And she was a biochemical like engineer major or whatever.
No surprise there. And she she had like an appointment or an apartment over by the naughty pine in Troy.
You know where that is? Oh, yeah.
One of my one of my really good friends is a barbershop that one of my best friends is a barbershop over there.
Yeah. So I she invites me over to her place and she's like one of those art hosts.
So she has like a bunch of fucking like, you know, records.
And like we we we started off the day the day we were sitting on her couch with her friend.
Her friend was, you know, smoking weed or whatever.
And I was just chilling. And this motherfucker just goes, hey, we're going to go to my bedroom.
And I'm like, oh, boy, it's happening, isn't it? So I I want we wander into her bedroom, which was right off the living room, which was semi awkward.
And bitch opens up fucking Disney Plus and just puts on Hercules. And we're watching that.
And yeah, you know, Disney's Hercules.
The Christmas great movie. But so I'm sitting there and then she starts, you know, feeling around and I'm like, oh, OK, this is happening.
This is what's going on. And she's fucking ends up taking my fucking my cock out and then doing like the weird like condom mouth thing.
Like, you know, that one where like they like suck your dick while putting on the condom with their mouth.
No, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. So and this bitch does that.
It's my first time ever having a woman even near my penis.
So she does that. I'm like, oh, fuck, don't come. Don't come. Don't come.
That's equal. Like, don't come. Don't come.
So then she gets her mouth off and I'm like, all right.
And then she starts taking her clothes off. And, you know, my my little rocket ship started getting to be, you know, a bigger rocket ship at that point.
And fucking she takes her clothes off and she gets on top of me and I last all of 30 seconds.
And I'm like, I'm good. And then I turned over to her and I go, did you did you finish to she just goes, yeah, sure.
Great. And then the fucking the reason why I bring up Hercules is because as soon as we are done having sex, that's when the song Zero to Hero started playing.
Oh, no. And she's like, you can leave now.
Like, oh, so I left and I'm like, yeah, I just had sex. I'm having this is great.
So I texted her the next day and I'm like, hey, you want to go out again?
She just goes, I don't want to talk to you ever again.
Mike. All right. Cool. I guess I'll never talk to you ever again.
The Russian girl? No, no, that was the Asian girl.
She's one of the partners, one of the fucking Asian partners.
But I was just like, what the fuck? But like, well, like when I did that, I'm like, why does she never want to talk to me again?
That's fucking weird. But now because you popped.
I popped it like 30 seconds. What do you expect?
I mean, I also told her that I wasn't a virgin and that I knew what I was doing.
You know, every guy ever does. She have a sideways pussy or no?
I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be.
That's what they say about the Asian. Like, you know, sideways.
She was Vietnamese. Oh, even better. Oppressed. I love an oppressed woman.
God bless.
Funny story about that that guy, John, great kid.
But so he ends up meeting this girl, Hannah. Right.
And I had this weird thing in college where, like, every girl I fuck came in twos.
So the first girl I fuck up there, his name was Ashley.
And then I got in a two week long relationship with a girl named Ashley.
And then I got Carly suck my toes.
And then I got a head from a girl named Carly.
You know, it seems like, you know, the names just came in twos.
The best part was, though, John met this girl, Hannah, again, on a dating website, I believe.
And Turning Stone was right near and they had like a student thing on Thursday, Thursday nights or whatever.
We got like free food voucher and whatever, like gambling vouchers ship with your student ID.
Yeah. And so we all cram. Yeah. My boy Pat, my roommate, had a what was it like a RAV4. Right.
So we cram like 10 people into this RAV4 and drive like the half an hour of Turning Stone.
And we go gamble, whatever. I'm not paying.
Well, John, I don't know if he got too drunk, but he kind of like got sloppy.
So we sit him in the front because they're scared that if not, he's going to puke.
And me and Hannah wind up in the back where the hatches like laying together back there.
Push comes to shove. She winds up blowing me in the back of this fucking RAV4.
And then we get back to the dorm. I fuck her then.
And then she comes back two days later to hang out with John. And I fuck her again.
And John's like, dude, you got to stop stealing my girls. I'm like, Alyssa, I'm sorry, bro.
I'm sorry. Like, I'm a hound. I don't know what to do.
The best part of the story is though, is that like, so I don't see anything from Hannah ever again.
But there's another girl, Hannah. Right. So we're getting ready to throw a little party in my dorm.
And there's this girl, Gabby. She looks like a horse. Right. She got like a horse face on her.
That's the best.
One of my best friends throughout childhood, Adam, he breaks up with his girlfriend.
He's all heartbroken and shit. Right. And I say, hey, listen, we're throwing a little party in the dorm.
We got a bunch of beer. We got some vodka. Like come up for the weekend or whatever.
He's like, all right. Dude, this guy's handsome. Right.
He's chiseled, bro. He looks like a fucking Greek Greek sculpture. Fucking six pack muscles. Beautiful guy. Right.
And so me and Pat are like, you know what we're going to do? We're going to keep sending Pat or fucking Gabby pictures of him with a shirt off.
You're catfishing her. It'd be like he wants to fuck you. You know, like when he gets up here, fuck him.
And so we've probably sent her like fucking 12 pictures of him with a shirt on.
Fucking pussy's vibrating at this point. Oh, she is soaking wet.
So when he gets up there, first thing I do is make him like a triple shot fucking vodka drink, get him hot and bothered.
And so we run out of mixer and the only thing we got left is fucking Mountain Dew.
So I'm feeding them fucking vodka and Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew is fucking delicious.
Drink vodka and double vodka and Mountain Dews. And he gets so drunk, he winds up like throwing up in the bathroom.
I'm like, all right, buddy, you'll be all right. You know, when you get done, we're going to be down in a common area hanging out.
Me and the boys just come down. He's like, all right.
There's four reasons. Like dorm building. And on the first floor is like the common area with like four couches, whatever and TV.
And then upstairs is like our quad with the other four quads.
Well, the girl quad that we usually hang out with is on the second floor too, but it's across the hallway.
So we're not paying any attention. We're down there just drinking beer, watch TV.
I think we're playing cards, shooting the shit. And I'm like, hey, Pat, have you seen Adam?
He's like, he was thrown up in the bathroom. That's all I knew.
And I'm like, well, like I haven't seen him in a couple hours. I checked on him.
Like, should we probably go check on him? So we go in the bathroom. He's just not there.
What's going on here? Now, like a good friend, which I'm not, would go searching for him.
Right. Well, there's this. There's what?
Nope. I don't know what happened. My fucking monitor just fucking pop went off.
I'm still here though. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know what happened. My monitor just fucking shut off.
But so fucking where was I? Oh yeah.
So there's this girl, Hannah, who just like broke up with her boyfriend or whatever at the time.
Was hanging out with one of the like friends group of girls.
And she's like, yeah, I broke up with my boyfriend today.
But earlier that day I convinced her to stay for the party.
So I get her off my room and I'm trying to fornicate with her or whatever.
It kind of turns into her crying because she misses her boyfriend. Oh no.
Well, you can still fuck me if you're crying. Well, it's pretty much how I was going.
I'll make you feel even better. So like an hour and a half goes by to find out like, all right, I'm not banging her.
You know, it's not happening. So I'm like, you know what I should do is go find my buddy Adam.
Three and a half hours. I haven't seen him yet. Where is he?
So I move on from this girl and I go fucking searching for Adam.
Now all the boys are down in the common area. Still drinking, still smoking.
Hey, where's Adam? They go, I don't know. I don't know where he is.
Now I got a raging boner. I'm like, all right, let's find him.
All in the bathrooms. He's not in any of the bathrooms.
And then we go in the Gabby's room, open the door up. She's butt naked. Right.
Butt naked on top of him, just sucking on his neck.
And I just need you to imagine this girl who's like, not that big, but she's not that small on top of him, sucking his neck.
And he pops his head out to the side and goes, help me.
And so we break all that up and everything.
And I finally get he falls asleep next to the girl that I was trying to bang in my bed.
I fall asleep in the couch in the common area. Wake up in the morning to this girl, Hannah, waking me up going, I got to go home.
I'm like, fuck me. I've always slept for like an hour and a half.
So, you know, that's, you know, well, the Smashing Pumpkins, you know, that song like what, 1974?
Yeah. Or whatever it is. It was like, we don't need things.
Yeah. Checked out in 1979. Yeah.
That song always brings up fucking this memory because I'm driving her in my old shit box fucking Ford Ranger.
That song's playing. I bring her up to the house and her boyfriend's standing outside in the front of the front door.
Wait for his arms crossed. Like a disappointed dad. Yeah. Exactly.
She looks at me and she was like, thanks for the drinks.
Gives me a little peck on the cheek and it like leaves.
Obviously go fucking argue with this guy and in the whole ride home, it was like, and we.
I'm like, every time I hear the song, it brings me back at that time.
I was like, what are you doing with your life, Kyle? What? What exactly are you doing?
I just like how you got a raging heart on and went looking for a guy.
I'll park like, what do they call it? This is your friend finder.
Yeah. But butters. Butters creamy goo.
It's like, this is your friend finder.
You're fucking. Well, what happens when it points straight up?
That means that you have a friend in Jesus.
Dude, so I got I got my my worst Tinder date experience was fucking hysterical.
So I met with I matched with this cute blonde girl and we decided to go to a restaurant and then we were going to go see a movie afterwards.
So I'm like, all right, whatever. So we get there. I meet her up. I meet up with her.
We have a conversation and we go out to eat and Mike. All right.
We're done eating. I'm like, all right, let's go. Let's go. Let's go see the movie.
And she gets a phone call and I'm like, oh, this is the help me phone call type thing being like, yep.
Yeah, I'm good. Or the yeah, we got to I got to go.
There's something that came up and she turns over to me and she goes, I got to go.
My my my sister's having her baby. And I go, what the fuck did you say?
She goes, I really got to go. My sister's literally having a baby right now. I'm like, listen, if you're if you just don't want to continue to date, you can just tell me that.
And she's like, no, no, seriously, my girl, my sister's having her baby.
And I'm like, all right, I'll go see the movie again. Go go do that.
I'm like, she had like real like horse girl teeth to like the fucking like super gummy teeth.
And I'm like, you kind of catfished me with that anyway.
So fuck you, bitch. So she fucking leaves and I'm like, whatever, I'm in the movie.
And then I get a Snapchat message from her and it's literally her in the hospital with her sister like holding her hand like with like the time stamp.
I'm like, oh, the bitch wasn't lying to me.
I'm like, hey, you know, now you don't have to, you know, be there for your sister.
A couple of days later, I text her and she I'm like, not you.
I'm going to do that. She's just like, nah, you seem like kind of a dick.
I don't really like you that much. You bitch.
I like I wasn't like, yeah, let's I don't care about your sister having a baby.
Fuck you. I'm like, so you want to go on a date again?
She's like, nah, you're you seem like a real asshole and you're a real angry person.
I can't have that kind of vibes in my in my life.
And I go, how would you go fucking horse, dude? Go home and fuck your horse bitch.
Not wrong. Fuck you and your sister. Fuck you and your shitty nephew.
So so Casey, what's a good that's a good love story that you got that because we've been me and Kate Kyle and Sharon.
What's a good love story for you? Not a very long one, but I guess it.
I think Dan's here. Dan's here like the first Kyle.
You still there? Hey, Kyle, the fall asleep.
Oh shit. No, no, no. I had my mic on mute.
Oh, I've tried. There was like a big arc and then like now my one monitor is not working.
Oh, that's fun. Yeah.
There was like a big flash of electricity. Weird.
So Casey, I don't know what the fuck happened. So Casey, continue.
Yeah. So like the first time before I lost my virginity, I brought my ex on like this trip with my family to my sister's dancing competition.
Where was that? In Connecticut.
And so we fucking stayed in a hotel together.
And, you know, my parents, my sister left to go to the fucking dance practice.
I'm sort of like, oh, we're going to have sex. We're going to have sex now.
So like I was so nervous. I fucking couldn't get hard.
So I'm just like, I'm trying to get hard for like a solid fucking half hour.
Okay. You're like punching your dick.
Like this is not working. So like, okay, let's give up. And then literally the second I put my pants on, my parents walked to the door.
So that was just fate, but not a very, not a very long story.
That is incredible luck. Hey, I don't think Kyle's heard the library story.
I'd love for you to say that again. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Did you fucking a library? No, even worse. No, I was fucking, you know, I have this job where you have to like put all the books back and like stock shit in the library.
So they said they my boss said one day you got to go upstairs and sort these magazines like these old fucking magazines from the 90s and shit.
And so I was up there fucking sorting magazines, sitting in the fucking little attic there and like I'm getting bored.
And you know, when you're like, you know, you get so bored, your fucking dick starts to get hard.
Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, let me just fucking rub one out right here.
I'm fucking looking at that fucking People magazine 2002. Let me just like fucking blow load right here.
I don't remember. I'm Obama.
I was before you checked off the big mic.
It was before Michelle Obama.
But yeah, I'm just like, fucking let me like finish off in this People magazine real quick.
And yeah, I went back to work. Nobody saw me.
What for you, bro? Dude, my mom used to get the Victoria Secret like catalogs like sent to her and I would always steal them when I was fucking 12 years old.
First time, first time I got caught jerking off was remember some of the school fundraisers, they would do the magazines or whatever.
Yeah. Like magazine subscriptions. Yeah. So I got I remember my parents got me like a Sports Illustrated for kids or the real Sports Illustrated.
The regular one. Yeah, the regular one.
And so the swimsuit. Yeah. Well, that's exactly what was the swimsuit model. And so I'm in my like bedroom with swimsuit model looking at it with my deck out.
And like, obviously, I hadn't come yet.
Like in my life. So I'm just sitting there just playing with it. Like, this feels pretty good.
Was this the Kate Upton cover?
I don't know. As I'm looking at the swimsuit model, right.
And it's like fucking seven o'clock in the morning. My fucking drunk parents usually up that early.
And the most of my mom comes in the room and I like hide the magazine.
I had a blanket over my wiener.
You know, I didn't see that was out by hide the magazine.
She's like, it's OK, Kyle, you can look at that magazine.
It's yours. It's yours.
I was like, I was just just seeing if that that article.
Well, Brad James is in there.
Swimsuit part, Ma.
It's OK. It's OK. I'll leave you alone.
They got the New York Rangers in here and we're seeing who the draft next.
Ten years old, I'm trying to hide that I'm jerking off.
My idea that that's what I'm doing.
I'm just playing with myself.
My favorite caught jerking off story was I was I was in my room.
I was jerking off. I had I was watching porn on my phone with the sound off because that's what I normally do.
I still do that to this day. I don't know why I like sound off porn because I just think some women.
I just think some women make weird sounds, so it just it turns me off.
Anyways, but I was I was I was in there.
I had I was watching.
Oh, it is a damn, dude.
What? I am Daniel.
Welcome to the podcast.
Hello, Dan. Welcome.
The fuck is up?
Kyle's here. Oh, hey.
Oh, fucking Christ.
No, we're good. We're good.
All right. So I was I was sitting there and I was I was looking at some some some nice lesbian porn on my phone.
And I fucking my dad never knocked on the door ever.
My dad would just barge into my room without knocking ever.
But I could tell when he was coming because, you know, he was paralyzed.
So like you could kind of hear when your dad was coming.
I know that's what I got.
But you can hear mom and dad are having sex because dad's about the pop is fucking low.
So I was doing that and I'm like, all right.
And then for whatever reason, my dad was real quiet coming up on me this time.
And then the door just opens and Mike, like there was no time to like pull the pull the plate gets up or anything.
It was just straight up. My cocks out fucking phone in my hand.
And my dad just goes, oh, fuck.
Yep. Cool.
Yep. And then just closes the door.
And then, like, you know, three hours later, I come down the stairs and he's like watching like football on the TV or something.
And I just go, are you want to talk about this?
He goes, no, I never want to talk about this ever again.
You brought it up to him.
Yeah, I really wanted like the awkwardness to be done like outright like I so I just was like, do you want to talk about this?
He's like no, I'm never talking about this with you again.
We got a bad echo.
We'll stop real quick and I swallow away.
I yeah, we're back, we're back and then I got I got one more of these stories.
You want to talk about this?
You saw it.
It's the fucking yay Valentine's Day special.
Yeah, you ever got a foot job?
No, I have.
That's that's one thing I haven't.
Well, if you go back and listen to the beginning of this podcast, he actually told a story that made me want to jump off the Pratoon Island bridge.
Some toenails on her.
And they got softened up.
Damn.
And her fucking slut mouth.
Damn.
Wow.
She then sucked the virginity card out of one of my best friends fucking five years later.
Who was this?
Do we know her?
No, we don't.
Carly from Buffalo.
I have no idea what her last name is.
She makes a great pasta salad and there's not too much celery in it.
Great pasta salad, great foot job.
But still my favorite dad story or one of my favorite dad stories is when he gave me the talk.
Do you guys ever have like an awkward talk story?
Because I told my parents just pretended like so I didn't realize that when you go to like you know how you have a pediatrician.
Yeah, go to the pediatrician like until you're like what's the age like 17?
No, it's like you can go to a pediatrician until you're like 21 21.
Alright, 21. So I remember after like my third fucking shot for possible STDs or whatever.
My ma called me because I didn't realize she was getting the insurance bill or whatever.
And she's like, Kyle, do we have to have a talk?
I was like, about what ma?
You dropped out. Hold on.
You back? I'm not going. I was like, I'm not going to doctors.
What are these fucking four bills I have?
And I was like, I was like, I think I'm probably UTIs ma.
She goes, start wearing fucking condoms because I swear to God, if you give me a grandchild before you figure out how to pay your fucking college debt off, I'll kill you.
Okay. So my story was my dad caught me with a Maxim magazine when I was, I think, 11 years old.
And he just goes, we're going to have a conversation about this and you're not going to like it.
And I'm like, you caught you looking at fucking and Frank.
I will tell you if Frank made it to 18 years old.
I'm actually, I'm wearing this off of her 14 year old pictures.
She's got that.
You're telling me I'm wearing a t shirt with and Frank on it right now.
14 year old damn wouldn't fuck 14 year old fucking Frank.
I mean, when I was 14, it's different. You can't.
I would.
Right. I would. You're 14 years old. Dan, are you going to fuck it?
Frank? I don't think you can. Frank made it to 14.
She did make it to 14. She died when she was 15. Yeah. 14 14 year old me would do it.
There you go. She was, dude, in her fucking diary, she was horny as shit.
Oh my God. Yeah. If you actually read that, dude, she was fucking horny as shit.
She kept on talking about like how she was excited to get her period and shit.
And then how fucking like the dude that she was hiding with, like from the other family, like how she like it made her like a downstairs region feel like she said some real wild shit in there.
She absolutely had a bush though. You know that for sure.
Yeah, because she was fucking hidden in the attic. I don't think they had fucking razors up there.
Okay. Oh, 14 year old Kyle would probably still go down.
Okay. That's enough. I'll try to tap back to when I was 14 years old.
I don't want to think about it when I'm 34. I'm a cocksucker, really? What's that?
Now all of a sudden I'm the cocksucker. No, no, no, no, no. Really? Really? No.
I just don't want to go spend time in jail with our friend now. Now Dan's the fucking friend and proper one.
This podcast says, sail the new uncharted waters.
Fucking fascist Dan. No, no, no.
Is it because she's Jewish? Is that why you don't like her?
Because she's a fucking J. Dan, because she's a fucking J. Really?
Yeah, bro. Aren't you a fucking Zionist, bro?
What's your fucking issue, Dan? What the fuck is your issue?
What's my issue? Yeah.
I don't know. Dan's fucking one.
All right, Dan. All right, Dan. Would you fuck Ben Shapiro's sister?
Yes. Yes. Of course.
Yeah, absolutely. Those massive fucking titties.
Like I said earlier, listeners, if you've got big fucking cans, I'm coming for you.
Please.
All right, all right, all right, Kyle. This is the best, this is the biggest question. Tits or ass?
As an early lad, all the way up until probably about five years ago, I was all about titties.
Big fat titties, right? But then as I started hanging out with more of the African-American crowd,
I began to develop a strong interest in fat asses.
So if you had to choose now currently, tits, tits still.
What am I going to do with an ass? What am I going to do with an ass?
Fuck it. I don't know.
I can fuck a fat ass, I can fuck a flat ass, you know?
It don't matter what the fuck size your ass is.
You look like a 14-year-old little boy.
Yeah, fuck that.
All right, Dan, tits or ass.
You know what?
I have seen some ladies in my time with 14-year-old little boy titties.
Jesus Christ.
We keep bringing it back to the 14-year-old.
I don't know what's going on here.
I'm not a pedophile. Fuck the pedophile.
Vampires. Globalists. Globalists.
Yeah, dude, you know what?
I mean, if you see a girl that's got some giant knackers on her, but she's got no ass, it's fucking weird.
That's just like, you can't work with that.
I mean, you always want the full package. You want big tits and big ass.
Yes, no, but you can either have one or the other.
You're going to have no tits, eight cups, right?
I know that, big ass.
And a fat ass, or are you going to have a fuck, a triple D's and a flat ass.
Like a Yoko Ono ass?
Fuck Yoko Ono.
I fucking hate Yoko Ono. I also fucking hate John Lennon.
If I could dig up his fucking grave, I could shoot him.
His ass has those fucking...
He has like a pickle ass, dude.
...and a scapula.
He's got like a fucking pickle ass.
The only good thing John Lennon did was imagine, and that's it.
Other than that, the rest of the Beatles did all the fucking work.
I'm pretty sure John wrote the most songs.
John was a piece of shit.
Yeah, but John was the reason why the Beatles fell apart.
I know that Yoko Ono is an easy fucking whatever scapegoat,
because she's one of the partners, one of the Chinese.
But...
Also, she was ugly as shit.
She could not sing.
Did you ever see the Johnny B. Goode thing?
Who's that guy? Who's the black guy, the musician?
I know exactly what you're talking about.
Yeah, I can't remember his name.
It was the Johnny B. Goode thing, right?
Yeah, it was John Lennon, him, and Yoko Ono up there.
And they cut her mic.
Chuck Berry?
They were singing a song, and all of a sudden she's like...
Yeah, Chuck Berry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They cut her mic off, and the way he looked at her...
It was so fucking funny.
I will slap the fucking taste out of your mouth.
Chuck Berry was a fucking rapist, too.
They all were.
John Lennon raped people, for sure.
Dude, they didn't have fucking cell phones.
What else are they supposed to do?
Yeah, John Lennon was literally a domestic abuser.
Michael Jackson definitely raped kids.
I don't know about that.
If you were famous before the 1990s,
you absolutely have a Me Too under your fucking belt.
I think Michael Jackson raped several children.
I don't know if he raped them or if he just watched them touch themselves.
Either way, it's bad.
I'll stand on this that I don't think MJ ever penetrated a kid.
Jesus Christ.
He definitely was doing some shit that was illegal.
Are you working on the description for this episode, Casey?
Yeah, this is all for real.
But you want to talk about the King of Pop being MJ, he can go fuck himself.
Because you know who the better fucking queer was,
out of that whole fucking thing?
Freddie Mercury.
It was fucking Prince.
Oh, Freddie Mercury.
Dude, Prince...
Everybody!
Prince wasn't even gay.
He was just metrosexual.
Yeah, he actually liked him white gays.
Yeah, he was straight.
Yeah, he didn't approve of it.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, fucking, if we're going with super gays, it's got to be Elton John.
Elton John is the fucking gayest of the gay.
Prince loved pussy, and he got a lot of fucking pussy.
But I'll tell you what, there was something fruity about Prince.
Yeah, but he literally said...
It's an abomination.
Yeah, he was like, I was reading an article about it, and he was saying, he's like...
Prince was actually a Jehovah's Witness.
Was he?
No way!
Yes, he became a Jehovah's Witness.
And he was just like, people sticking things wherever they want to stick on the stick.
It's just gross.
And it's like, that's wild, because he looks so gay.
Oh yeah.
He looks like the gayest person you could ever find, but like,
he was crushing pussy left and right.
Yeah, wasn't he fucking Madonna for a while?
Everyone was fucking Madonna.
Two boxers fucking Madonna.
No, but Prince was the Madonna fucker.
I don't know, but it seems like a lot of gay people, if they're so in the closet,
that they're basically lying to themselves that they're gay,
act like they fucking hate other gay people.
Yeah.
Look at what Prince did on his... when he got like, whatever...
What's the word I'm looking for here?
He got inducted into the Hall of Fame, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Yeah, he sucked off Steven Tyler right on the stage.
I saw it. It was crazy.
What?
No, oh my God, do not, do not be ashamed, Prince, of what he did on that stage.
Because George Morrison died, is that his name?
John Morrison?
John Morrison.
No, it wasn't John...
No, what the fuck was his name?
George Harrison.
Yeah, George Harrison.
George Harrison has passed away.
And you know his song, While My Guitar Gently Weeps?
Yeah, I saw his solo on that song.
Yeah, that was fucking awesome.
Yeah, it was like him, Tom Petty, Dolly Morrison, fuck, dude.
His solo, and then he just tosses the guitar into the crowd and like flips off the Rolling Stone people.
You know the whole premise behind that, right, Casey?
No.
So the year before that come out, you know how Rolling Stone does like the top 50 guitarists of all time or whatever?
Yeah.
So they didn't put Prince into the top 50 guitarists, and he got inducted into the Hall of Fame.
So they asked him to whatever, like perform on that song.
And he never showed up for any of the rehearsals, none of it.
He just put a fill in on the rehearsals, blah, blah, blah.
He showed up and told Tom Petty, he's like, hey, I just got into the Hall of Fame.
These guys just fucked me over.
Rolling Stone, they're all going to be here.
I want to flip them the bird.
So Tom's like, all right, just look at me and I'll let you know when to stop.
And he just starts shredding and shredding and shredding.
And you'll like, if you watch that video, he keeps looking at fucking Tom Petty and he just like gives him a nod and goes, yeah, keep going.
Keep going.
And he just kills it.
And eventually, yeah, he takes the guitar off and he throws it at the Rolling Stone people as like a big middle finger.
Like, you don't think I'm one of the top 50 guitarists?
Yeah, that's fucking awesome.
That solo was amazing.
Why was he looking?
Why was Tom Petty up to the side when he stops?
Well, it's Tom Petty, bro.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, like, let's.
I just like fucking let him shred as long as he wants.
Well, like, I think it was like a respect thing because obviously, like George Harrison, it just passed away.
Right. And it was supposed to be like a like memorial to him and like.
Acoustic and shit like that.
But there's a really if you look, Darlene, I think his name is Darlene Harrison and.
Fucking Prince both like make eye contact and George Harrison's son is just like just shred, just shred.
He just gives him that little nod, like just get after it.
And he just goes wild, wild on the guitar.
That was fucking amazing.
Still not as cool as fucking Jimi Hendrix fucking Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock.
That was sick.
The best.
I have that on record, bro.
That's fucking sick.
I have that on vinyl, that Woodstock.
People back then were like, this sucks.
They're like, get him off the stage.
He's black.
Meanwhile, Jimmy's just up there like, don't give a fuck.
I'm the best guitar she ever going to hear.
So, Kyle, what do you what do you play guitar, bass?
I guess, well, the best instrument I have is the voice, right?
I'm singing or whatever, but I can't play like pretty decent rhythm guitar.
I can play bass really well.
I'm OK on the keyboard.
Nice.
Got a little ukulele behind me.
We got a band of about seven people that never show up to practice.
So I'll play a Trabone if you got one.
I could play.
I don't know.
No.
You play some ska.
Yeah, I do.
That's what I'm getting after with the ska.
Let's start a one man band.
Nobody like that's the issue with bands is like I got into all these bands and we start
writing music and then people just stop showing up.
Yeah.
So, Dan, do you have a romance story for our Valentine's Day special?
Because we've told ours a romance story or a sex story.
Either way, I'll tell you a romance Casey jerked off into a magazine.
Oh, so often she took my virginity card like it make it good.
Oh, man.
I see.
I want to be respectful.
No, no names.
So I used to date this girl from Pennsylvania.
I should tell it, dude.
It's awesome.
Oh, God.
So how do I keep this respectful?
So anyway, yeah, I'm trying to think because my girlfriend, this is this possible.
My girlfriend listens to this podcast.
I don't want to, you know, yeah, maybe I'll, I don't know.
You got it.
Dan, you got it.
Did you tell a story, Tyler?
Oh, yeah.
We all does your girlfriend listen to this podcast?
Sometimes.
Yeah.
No, she doesn't.
Okay.
Well, that's why you get away with it.
Casey, did you tell a story?
Yeah.
Does your girlfriend listen to this podcast?
Sometimes.
Okay.
So you're talking about how he couldn't get hard because they're in like, he had an alone
time with his, with his girlfriend during college or during a, what was it?
High school you said?
Yeah.
High school.
Yeah.
And then he couldn't get hard.
So, and then he is like, well, we're not going to do it.
And as soon as he pulled his pants up, his parents walked in the room.
How long was she going at it?
Like, like a half hour or some shit.
Trying to get it hard.
Yeah.
Damn.
You were nervous, huh?
I was nervous.
I was a fucking, you know, shy little kid.
I mean.
Little kid.
I thought this was in college.
No, this was six.
I was 16.
Oh, 16.
Yeah.
How old was she?
17.
Okay.
Ah, you're going out to the older women.
Man.
Oh, I want to say something funny, but I don't want it permanently on the record.
There's so many things I can say right now.
It's fine.
I'll just, just put like a trigger warning right here.
And then when your girlfriend listens to us, just shut it off.
Trigger warning, trigger warning.
Dan's going to say a funny ass story.
You know, cause she's going to, now she's going to be like, what did you want to say?
Daniel?
Oh yeah.
I mean, she already knows.
I just, every time, every time we pass something that happened in a car wash, I'm always just
like, Oh, I got my dick sucked in a car wash.
Did you?
Yeah.
Tell us about it.
You're telling stories I don't want to tell any other people.
I think, I think, uh, Daniel fucking Dan had a good story.
Kyle, you seem like you've gotten your dick sucked in a car wash.
I, uh, in a car wash, I've always been too poor to actually go to a car wash.
I have to have my dick sucked in some weird fucking spot.
I got my dick sucked behind a dumpster at a party once.
That's awesome.
Did they join in?
It was right behind Browns.
Oh, that's a good one.
Damn.
Was it down by the river?
Oh yeah.
What's your body count?
My body count?
Yeah.
Um, probably close to a Muslim fuck.
A Muslim what?
You dropped out.
I think it's like.
I blow themselves up with a suicide vest.
Yeah.
They get 70 virgins.
I get 72 virgins.
72.
Damn.
Wow.
I don't know if it's close to 72.
It's probably closer to 12.
I got, I got, I got five, five or six, five or six.
I have no, I'm probably Jesus Christ.
You guys Casey, what's your body count for?
I really.
I got a lot of fucking.
Two.
Good boy.
Fuck.
Fucking asshole.
So what are you at there?
I'm like five or six.
I'd have to really think.
Four or five, four or five.
I think.
Are you guys shit?
No, dude.
No, I, I've been.
Five foot, five and a half.
I've been dating the same girl.
Just pulling tail.
I've been in a relationship for 10 years.
I've been in a relationship for eight years and I started that relationship when I was
18.
I don't want to give up the real number because now I feel like, like if I counted out in
my head.
Yeah, but we're talking quality versus quantity.
Fucking fuck boy.
Like beepers.
Beepers probably has fucking 50 plus.
Oh, I'm sure it's more than that.
Look at him.
He's like a fucking.
He's out.
He's wet dream.
Purebred Nazi.
Brother can eat an entire pizza and not gain a pound.
What the fuck is with that?
I don't know how he does that.
Yeah.
I think, um, if I'm not forgetting anybody, I'm probably like 28.
All right.
That's a good, that's a good number.
No, now I seem like I'm a fuck.
I wish I was in the 20s.
That's fine.
Everybody's out here looking for love.
You fucking whore.
Sticking it to whatever I can.
That's awesome.
So including hookers or excluding hookers, how many?
None of those numbers included any of the hookers.
What about including hookers?
How high would it be?
Including the dead hookers.
Those count as a half.
None of the hookers ever died.
So Dan, let's hear the story.
Oh man.
No, it wasn't even, it wasn't even that good.
It was about throwing in a girl's ass in a car wash.
In the front seat?
No, it was so.
No big deal.
It was the one next to the Scotia Mohawk station, the Glenbell station.
So she, she, she was just heading home.
She came here from Pennsylvania to see me.
It was a long distance relationship and we pulled up to this red light.
Was she a Jehovah witness too?
No, she pulled up to this red light.
She was behind me and, or we pulled up to the red light.
I was in front of her.
She's behind me and she slammed into me with her car and it didn't do anything to my Jeep,
but it fucked up her hood.
So it was like all bent up and there's no way she's going to be able to drive it home.
So I was like, all right, let's go to a junkyard.
Let's see if we can find you a new hood and maybe I can spray paint it white.
And so I'm like, where the fuck am I going to spray paint this?
And I said, oh shit, like we can do it in the car wash.
Yeah.
Spray paint it right there.
So I just hit it with some paint quick and you know, it took me like an hour to pop the
new hood on painted and she's like, oh, how, how am I going to pay you back?
This is awesome.
Like, thank you so much.
Wow.
I can think of some things, but I, I don't want to get too descriptive of this, but off
the air, I'll tell the full story.
But you put it in your pooper.
But that car wash, every time I drive by it, I'm like,
remember when you just got fucking raped in my fucking car by van.
Yeah, that was fucking hilarious.
You also got raped in a car by van.
So did I.
Daniel did.
No, so did I.
Dude, it felt like it was the real experience.
I felt like what it would actually feel like to get raped.
I was driving.
I was driving to medic school, him in the back seat and he just kept on trying to fucking
touch my cock while I was driving.
I'm like, bro, stop.
What's wrong with that guy?
I raped Van Patton in the Schenectady station.
Well, this is why you cause this.
He made the victim into the fucking into the room.
If the cameras of state street ever worked, man, there'd be plenty of videos of me and
Mike Kent waterboarding fucking Van Patton.
You got to do it with gasoline.
That's how real men do it.
Jesus.
Dude, I wonder what that feels like.
You ever drink gasoline or diesel fuel?
Never once.
I have.
No, really?
It's real spicy.
Jesus fucking Christ.
It feels like I never drink it.
It feels like hell.
I've heard it causes autism.
Yeah, I know.
I also drank bleach before, like a shot glass of bleach because someone said I want it and
I did.
Come on.
That fucking hurt a lot.
That's how you fucking die.
Dude, it hurt a lot.
Jesus.
I never ate a Tide Pod though.
Not that stupid.
But yeah, other inedible objects that I've eaten.
I've eaten full like bricks of chalk.
Why?
I actually like the texture of chalk.
Chalk actually has like a really nice feeling like when you're chewing it.
Something wrong with that, boy.
I think I have pica.
But I remember the first time that I had to like as a nurse deal with a patient that had
something stuck up their ass.
So I go to like triage the patient.
I'm like, what's going on?
He's like, well, I have a dildo stuck in my ass.
No, dude, you know what that is?
He's into humiliation.
Yeah, right?
And he wants to make everybody else is fucking proud.
No, no, no.
So I'm like, all right, how big is the dildo?
He's like, probably like a good like eight, nine inches.
He's like, he's like proud of it.
Like he's not even like embarrassed about it.
It's a fucking humiliation.
I'm like, God damn it.
Why do I have to do this today?
Do you get it out?
Well, no.
So the doctor, you know, tried to pull it out manually and he couldn't get it.
So he had that surgery.
What a joke's on him asshole.
Dude, so sometimes like working the job, I don't want to say it, but the job that I work
to see that stuff come through all the time.
That's how, how, how often like, is that a more common thing than people would think
it is?
It happens all the time.
Once you like get it past a certain point, it can't come out and sucks it in rather than
push it.
So your asshole, your asshole has great suction.
Yeah.
Like very, um, like I said, one of my best friends is gay and he has to, right, right,
right.
It's my best friend.
That is the black one.
What is he black and gay?
I have a best friend who's got a terrible hand of cards.
He's black and gay.
He has told me that assholes can be very inviting.
Inviting.
It can be very inviting.
So I had, you never tried it out?
I've actually never, uh, butt fucked anybody.
Really?
Out of 28.
Yeah.
I, um, you ever stick a finger up someone's pooper?
Yes.
I've stuck fingers, tongues, everything you can imagine.
Except for your penis.
I've never stuck the old peen up there.
No shit.
Um, I, dude, I'd rather school fuck the life out of you before I fuck your ass.
I I've only done anal a few times and it's not, it's, it's not the vibe I thought it
would be.
My grandfather once told me anybody that's willing to get their ass fucked is not willing
to be married.
So that's not true.
I've stuck.
Whoa.
All right, Daniel.
All right.
Dan's been fucked in the ass.
Oh my God.
I had this other patient who was like, you know, I got this like sore spot on my dick,
right?
And so he wanted to have the doctor.
Now, first of all, he fucking called the ER before he came in and said, is there a male
or female doctor working today?
And I said, oh, it's a female because usually like if you're a male and you're embarrassed
about something, you don't want a female doctor.
You want a fucking male.
So he comes in anyway and he's like, oh, I got a sore spot in my dick.
And then, so the doctor has to have like a chaperone when they go in for like, you know,
sexual assault cases.
So I go in to be the chaperone.
He's like, oh, this is weird.
I didn't know like a male was going to be in here.
He's like, I have to have a chaperone if I'm going to, if I'm going to do the exam.
And he's like, yeah, I just like want you to put some cream on my dick and rub it in.
And she just goes, I'll refer you to urology.
Walks out of the room.
He actually wanted somebody to jerk him off.
What the fuck, bro?
The best part about it, Casey, what you should have done as a great male nurse, you should
have been like, I'll do it.
I will gladly rub it in.
And then take your fucking gloved hand and put any cream on it.
Oh geez.
No, this is not some kind of weird porno.
It's rubbery.
So when you fucking jerk this guy off, it just hurts.
Dude, dude, I, so I had something fucking going on with my dick.
I don't know what it was, but like the fucking, I guess we'll use medical terms here.
The meatus, right?
It was like inflamed around it.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck was going on.
So I went to the, so I went to, what was it?
I think a planned parenthood because they deal with like that, that kind of stuff.
I didn't know they did that.
I thought it was only like women shit.
Yeah, no, they deal with that.
And dude, the fucking, it was a joke about playing parenthood.
My standup son.
All right.
We'll talk about it in a sec.
So this, this PA that worked at this planned parenthood was a fucking smoke show.
She was a PA student, right?
Bro.
Oh, she was a 10 and a half.
I don't even know.
I don't even know how to speak.
What was her initials?
Do we know her?
No, but she, was she blonde hair, brown hair?
She was just this petite little brunette, just like one of those basic chicks that just
became a PA just fucking gorgeous dude told me she's like, after I described what was
going on, told me that she had to look at it and I'm like, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
I was just like fucking sweating balls.
I'm like, there's no way that this girl's seeing my fucking tiny little dick.
So I'm like, is there any way to get, I said, you're the student.
I said, is there any way to get the PA in here?
She was like, like 60 dude.
And she's like, okay.
Well, she was trying to like say, it's okay.
It's fine.
Like we'd see this all the time.
I'm like, I do not care.
You're not looking at my dick.
I will leave right now.
So I got this old ass PA to come in and look at my dick and I was fine.
It was-
It's even worse when you're self-conscious about how small you are.
What's that?
It's even worse when you're like self-conscious about your cock size.
Yeah.
Well, dude, it's like, not only just that.
It's like, dude, I'm going to pull my pants down in front of this super hot chick.
Like she, come on.
She fucking knows.
She gets hit on probably 20 times a fucking day.
There's no way I'm alone with you.
And it's like a fucking, you know, like my fucking ret dream.
It's like, are you kidding me?
This girl's telling me to pull my pants up?
No, this is not happening.
Put me the old lady in here right now.
Oh no, now the old lady would be what you're going for.
Oh no, she was telling me to pull my pants up.
I'm like, I'm not going to pull my pants up.
I'm not going to pull my pants up.
She's like, you don't know that.
Dan has a premature ejaculation issue, especially with strippers.
I did, I did, bro.
I used to go all the time and I would not in about a minute and a half for them.
Give me a lap dance night.
With it with his entire pants on yeah, yeah, it was it was a problem for a while there
so my
fuck
My god, I had I had a call where I had to touch a peener the other day and I was just like
So fucking a guy called for testicular torsion, which no man should ever have to dig oh
And
We're on the stretcher and then he starts screaming I feel what's popping I feel it popping it's popping I feel it wet
It feels wet. I'm like and
Of course my partner was a female and she was like you got a check and I'm like fuck
I'm the one that's a fucking pop. Yeah, so I'm like so I
Pulled pants down and I had to like look at the the cock and balls and then I just poked his
fucking ballsack
Like oh no, and then I just rolled it up Mike it's not wet and it's not exploded you're good
But okay, so Kyle you played sports in high school, right?
I played a lot of sports. Yeah, so did you guys have the thing where you had to do like the physical every year?
We're like the fucking old-ass doctor would like oh, this is um I got a whole comedy bit
I don't know if you want me to tell it like the fucking that they do like the fushigi balls fucking with
I literally got a whole comedy. This is what I was just saying earlier
Dan was I got a whole comedy a bit about
penis sizes and fucking getting your balls checked like that
Dude, it's here. I hated it. I hated it every year
I had to get my balls fondled by an old dude in a fucking like small-ass closet. I was that at the church Catholic Church
No, that was at my high school
Because they had the nurses office
But the nurses office had a window that you like looked inside in so they had a closet where they had to check everybody's balls
And titties so I was fucking go in because you know, I played football and because like I was on varsity my
Freshman year they have to check if your balls dropped for whatever reason
So I went in there and he goes alright now come to the closet. I'm like
They're checking you for a hernia you ass. Nah, dude, they're checking my balls. They're checking if I
That actually does the fondling like I had like a 60 year old dude
God I just who would sign up for that dude like his every every sport you had to do it like and I think for women
They had to like feel like their titties for like cancer or some shit. I don't fucking know your fucking balls touch
Yeah, I did fucking four times
All four years of high school. I had to get my balls checked. It's fucking
I did like when I was younger than that, but they like balls you want this comedy bit. Yeah
All right, so
You gotta imagine in the comedy set I've already talked about how I work in sanitation and shit
So basically how I open it up or like go into this bit. I'll be like, you know, so yeah working sanitation
You know we have to get the ot physical so
My number gets called I go down. I see a stock. They're real handsome doctor. Nice blonde hair combed over
He looks real fucking great. He's you know, you're hard
In case he's already
Very happy fucking asshole fucking crowd
He's a handsome doctor
Blonde combed over hair mid 30s early 40s probably, you know, and he's telling me we're having a great discussion. He goes listen
You gotta imagine my fat ass is here in a fucking robe or whatever fucking gown and underwear
He goes listen got your age
Late 20s, you should probably get your testosterone check. I say what's that for a doc?
He goes well, you know, let's get testosterone check and get a baseline
So when you get older, you know if you've lost it or if you've kept the same gained it whatever it's a good idea
He goes, all right. Well
He goes that takes a glove snaps it on he goes. This is everybody's favorite part. I go. All right
What's that doc? He goes go ahead and drop your underwear down. I gotta get down here and you gotta check your balls
Okay, so I drop my underwear down
Here's my fat ass
Standing there gown pull to the side underwear down cock of balls are hanging out. He's on his knees
Starts fucking feeling my balls around God. Look left cough. All right
Look right cough. All right
He goes
Goes that takes a glove off snaps it off in the garbage. He goes. I gotta already tell you right now. You've got a high testosterone
I go
Fuck are you I said doc? What are you talking about? He's still on his knees my dicks in his face
He goes I could just tell you right now, but what I've already reserved you have great testosterone. It's very high
I said doc. I don't know what fuck a team you think I swing for but it's definitely not the team that you're on
It's he goes
Don't get it twisted. Don't get it twisted because you know, I don't have anybody
I will never fuck anybody with the condition that you have
I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Doc you can't tell me I have cancer or something when my balls are fucked up. He goes no you got dick does
I'm like, what the fuck is that doc? Is that deadly? He goes. No, it's not deadly
But you know, I could tell you right now, you know, please any woman with it. They go. We'll give it to me straight doc
What is it? He goes? Well pretty much your fat ass gut hangs out two feet further and your dick does
After I get the
Embarrassment pulling my fucking underwear up pulling the gown back over
He goes you can put your clothes back on nurse to come in and fucking check your clothes
But I got nurse to come in and fucking check you out. So now I'm self-conscious
but I
Come up with a plan. I come up with a plan because like I said, I work in sanitation
All of a sudden I became a massive proponent in the transgender community in the transgender movement
And it's like not for don't applaud me. It's not for any reason that you guys think it's personally selfish
Nothing for you guys. I don't care what you guys do
But these faggots are cutting their fucking dicks off and turn them in the pussies. We got to be putting these dick somewhere, right?
What I've been doing is fucking dumpster diving
Because there's gotta be a fucking six to eight inch fucking white fucking cock somewhere in these fuckers
Fuck it's trapped up motherfucker on
Roll up to the fucking doctor's office kick that fucking door down and say what's that little fucking dickie?
Sucker the only issue was I did a dry run before I kicked the door down
It was a fucking three-year-old girl in there talking to a girl nurse. So now I'm not allowed 500 feet
I'm not allowed 500 feet with it a fucking that's neither here nor there the fucking doc. I got my point across
But I think we're really missing a real opportunity here because we have all these warehouses down here in fucking downtown, Albany, Detroit shit
We can set up fucking use cock fucking salesman
You know line these fucking cut off fucking cocks up in the fucking warehouse and have a guy come up here and he gets to you
Yeah, this is gonna be $2,000
Oh
It's beepers
Finally is on the fucking podcast
He's trying to ruin it welcome
Fucking cocks up or whatever you go down there you talk to the fucking salesman
He says hey, you want to take this one out for a test drive
Eight inches of fucking black. This is exactly what I'm looking for
Tied that motherfucker on you go see your old lady a fucker in a motel room
But the best part is the salesman is right behind you you fucking banging her
She's loving the fucking bigger cock he reaches down goes. Yeah, you know, this is the fucking VT model
You know if you fucking grab your left not right here, you feel that all sudden your fucking new cocks. I was a vibrate
What is that? He goes? Yeah, you fucking squeeze that you see that
But if you reach down here and you fucking squeeze your right nut and then you could just change the fucking pattern
Fucking all of a sudden you go from one fucking long vibrate the fucking
Jesus Christ you pull out of there you go back to the fucking lot
Just like buying a fucking car to cocksucker wants to hackle you. Well, listen, you know doc
I only have fucking fifteen hundred dollars. This is a two thousand dollar cock, you know, but like maybe we can make a fucking deal here
Back
1750 I told you fucking 1500 farm
Let me go make another fucking call. He goes back 1750 last offer
So you put a fifteen hundred dollar fucking down payment on a new fucking cock
You got a two hundred fifty dollar payment for the next two months
Who fucking cares you got an eight inch fucking cock people pay less for a fucking dildo
All right suction cups to the fucking shower
Would you okay say say it was 250 bucks a month
But you know, I'm not gonna say it was 250 bucks a month
150 bucks a month, but you could have like a porn star cock
No
All right, who has what size cock do you got there Kyle how many inches all right
Oh good day on a good day chubbed up before that. Hello beepers. Welcome to the podcast
Who never comes to the podcast
Why you putting that in your mouth Tyler
She's just fucking
Fucking tell tell beef is to come to the fucking hundred episode and stop getting a tattoo on his face
Beepers I we I've seen your cock before we all know that you have the biggest cock here
It's it's it's a problem. You need to you need to stop. What's your body count beepers? Cuz we all said ours. Uh, I
forgot to pay my minutes
Nice cock bro
Thank you. What a hundred I'm guessing it's over a hundred. No way beepers has over a hundred bodies
You think so can be back my way good old do you
Can you tell the story about the time a girl threw up on your cock on my fucking couch
Fucking ass hat got his dick snuck up my fucking couch
Here's the problem I keep listening to college Kyle's like Kyle's podcast with Kyle on your podcast and he does not know how to tell a story
Cuz he thinks I'm different story
Like Tyler
Happened in my car what happened on my couch? What no no no better story better story, so
Shaw no Mac here goes. Hey come out with my friend Emily
You know, I think you can get with her or whatever. We're going out to the bar
I want to get with this other girl Emily sorry gets confusing. There's two Emily's here
Okay, there's Emily who's part of the boys and there's Emily who Sean Oh Mac is trying to get with right and
So I have the beep beep jeep
So I go grab these girls with the beep beep jeep Sean. I'm sitting in the front
We go out shopping we all know how much shopping sucks right with the ladies
so me and Sean are sitting outside the dressing room just
Bullshit and making jokes making fun of each other right am I wrong Sean?
Not yet. There's three girls here. There's two Emily's and this girl Savannah
Push comes to shove we go to a birthday party right for one of Emily's friends
And I start hitting it up with this fucking Savannah girl
I'm making out with her Sean I was doing this thing with this girl Emily that he's trying to get with things are going good
Right the other Emily who's pretty much one of the boys at this point just how she still is goes Kyle listen
Savannah's a lightweight don't give her too much alcohol. She will fucking fall off. I'm like
Who the fuck is this broad to tell me what the fucking dope right?
fucking sack of shit, so I'm feeding shots this girl Savannah I
Don't know what Sean. I was doing. I've lost contact with him. We go to Pearl Street Pub
I'm a Troy boy. I shouldn't be in an Albany bar, but here we are
Basically what ends up happening is exactly what Emily told me was gonna happen Savannah has way too much fucking alcohol and
The bouncer pretty much throws her out so now I gotta go with her
I find Sean Oh Sean Oh is outside making out with this girl Emily outside. I go hey Sean. Oh, we gotta go
What do you mean? We gotta go? I said she just got kicked out
We gotta go so we pile up in this deal fucking piece of shit soupy right?
Sean Oh drives me back to my shit ass apartment Troy and
Said hey, he just stops. He doesn't park it like you normally does stops in front of the house
They go Sean are you coming up? It was not I got work to do or whatever
He said something like that I got work to do so now I got this fucking
Probably said I have to attend business
I
Whole ride is Savannah passing out on my fucking chest and this girl Emily up front like I can't wait
I shit you not she I can't wait to choke on your fucking dick the whole ride the whole fucking ride
I'm like so Sean Oh is getting laid. How the fuck do you do it Sean? I got a better
It's better. It's better bro. It's better to this point the story there has not been any embezzlement yet, but I'm sure it's
Bricks so I'm like Sean. Oh, you're not coming upstairs
They're like he you know he tells me what to do. I'm like fuck me
So I'm hammered because I can't not be hammered when there's alcohol around right this girl's hammered
So I'm like alright, so I'd get her upstairs. We sit down on the couch. I
Don't fuck dropped out. Yeah, throw something on yet. She looks at me. She's like she goes
Are we gonna go to your room or what oh here? We go. I'm getting my fucking dick what right?
So I'm like why don't you go get yourself ready in the room, honey? I gotta go take a piss quick
I'll be right in I go take a piss I come in she's knocked the fuck out
Some like fuck me now. I like to sleep my underwear
So stripped out of my underwear get next to her start fucking kissing on her neck. She wakes up a little bit
She kind of moans and groans
Yeah, the artist so she starts jerking me off a little bit right now. I got like a three-quarters large car
She stops jerking me off
Yeah, hey
Cheeks what's going on?
Then I don't wake up honey. We got work to do whatever
I looked over at me and she goes I'm on a bed
So I'm like smacking my dick off her fucking thigh or whatever like wake up wake up wake up
Now the manner of it she doesn't so the manner of me not want to catch a me too
I'm like I'm gonna go sleep on the couch. She's like no stay with me. Stay with me. So like I whatever so pretty much
We just caught up for the whole night, right?
And then I wake up in the morning drive her she had to go to like hairstyle in school or whatever
And so I dropped her off in the morning. So I dropped her off
On my way back to my apartment. I call Sean. Oh, I'm like, well at least Sean. Oh got his dick
What and I fuck a call him. I'm like, hey Sean on that. I was last night and he goes bro
Things are fucking bad
She's fucking texting me right now she's pissed saying I fucking raped her or whatever
What it was a molester she said some kind of term or whatever. He's like I didn't do anything
I dropped her off at her house and went fucking home. Things are fucking terrible
I never talked her again. I literally
Fuck in we get to her house and I'm like, alright, I'm going home like see you later
She's like you're not gonna come in like no, I'm not gonna fucking come in you're drooling on yourself
We won't fucking home as a context like to this me
the two girls are
Demolished like to the point where like if you ask me to walk a straight line and wind up in Canada
And I'm the most sober out of the three, you know
The whole time the whole ride home the Kyle was not there's no embezzlement there
She's like I can't wait to suck your dick. Oh
She was like a fucking hyena who saw a piece of fresh meat
She was saying she was making me horny I'm like, oh my god Sean. I was getting his fucking dick
I just like that you call him shits bad
I call like that fucking poon Tang probably like shit's fucking bad right now, bro
The best part of it is
Shaw gets accused of a rape, you know, but he did not do he dropped this girl off at home
And he went home with the bed and he had like one twisted T. He normally does so
I'm like, alright, so now it's like what I don't know eight o'clock nine o'clock in the morning
I'm like, alright things good. I'm gonna go to bed. I don't have to work for fucking, you know a day and a half
I'm just gonna go to bed. Everything's gonna be good
I go to bed at like nine o'clock in the morning
Who shows up at the foot of my bed at 10 30 in the morning is other than fucking Sean O'Mac
Get your fat ass out of bed
What do you want he goes we got a firehouse back with the go-to in fucking eight hours like what?
He's like I was gonna bring that girl as a date. Oh
She don't want to go. So you're my date. I'm like
I was like Sean what time I was like, what time is it? He's like, it's like 11 o'clock in the morning
Oh, all right
This is gonna go one or two ways you either bring me down to the corner store right now to get a for local gold
and we keep going and I just stay drunk for the next three days or
I'm gonna crash out in a half hour and I'm not gonna be usable
Firehouse banquet and fuck it Tony Nardone is there and he goes listen
I know you need to be to work in the morning if you call out, I swear to God. I'm a punch in the mouth
But it's an but it's an open bar it's a fucking open bar so obviously I called out in the morning, you know
And I called out in the morning, you know
Fuckin now that I miss any part of that shuttle that I was pretty close. Yeah
So beep is beep is now that you're here and welcome to the podcast for the first time beep is everybody
We do we have a clapping sound effect. No, why do you have shut up your nose? I got two cigarettes up
But my nose is fine cigarettes near nose. It smells good
but
What now they're the jar and blacks at a clove one. Can you remind me not this close?
They're not even cigarettes are closed their clothes dude. They smell so good and
That's a motherfucking cigolo. Yeah, let me not smoke those
Now they're my they're up his nose I'll still smoke it
Shawn do you have a higher than 28 body count? I
Would like to exercise my fifth amendment right so that's a yes
He's absolutely above 28. All right, he slings that fucking long skinny fucking rot around
Well, I can't believe that brother sent me a fucking message of his cock because he thought my name was Taylor
Oh, I thought your name was Taylor. Oh, you're right next to each other in the thing. Ah fuck
Nice cock, bro. He's got a full up. She was cock
Yeah time one time actually cuz I wanted to share the story on my podcast but I probably shouldn't it's not a good story
to share on my podcast, but
Yeah, you can do our podcast
We had a big Troy boys group chat plus all the dispatchers plus a few others
right and so
The entire group chat was at my house except for Sean Oh and we were gonna go on the Troy bar crawl and like
You know ashmore was living with me fuck Patagene and all fucking Bowman
There was a whole bunch of people out in the living room
Bowman so I go in the bathroom
I go in the bathroom
I go in the bathroom. Yeah, do some cocaine right and
No, I mark Mark Bowman. Yeah, Mark Bowman. That's heavy
Yeah, and so I do a bunch of cocaine off my fucking toilet seat, right?
And I tech Sean I
Said bro. I just told these fucking idiots that I was gonna go in here and take a shit
I just ripped the last half of my fucking eight ball off my fucking toilet seat
And I'm just sitting there waiting waiting waiting no reply. I'm like, whatever fuck you Sean
I give a fuck you want to fucking not call out of work to go fucking on the bar crawl the boys go fuck
I walk out to the living room now everybody set up like they're ready for fucking intervention
What's the matter you guys ready go on the bar crawl or what you know, like
We think we might want to talk to you. Um
But that text message you just sent to us
What do you mean? I pull it open. I said the whole fucking group chat
Plus Sean of the people that are in my fucking living room that I just blew half an eight ball off my toilet seat
While lying to them about taking a fucking shit
Don't do drugs kids what is I'm never time me in you and ash born called out from your roof
Oh
even better even better
The best part was a week later that roof fell off my fucking house
You ever we called out to was it was Chrissy wasn't it?
Oh, please please let me show you my fucking balls
Chrissy let me show you let me send you my balls
We called out on FaceTime we facetimed her all the proof was called out
I want to show you my balls. She's like don't do that. He's like, please
Please please
I get it sounds like the call duty fucking episode. Yeah. Oh
Fuck I'm playing the story of a
Fucking the funeral
There's so many parts of it I fucking
It ended with me and glue and fist fighting on my lawn. Yeah, so we were all at shoulders house right after
This was after the wake after yeah. Yeah after the wake and uh
First of all, I have videos from that night and Coleman was so hammered
He was talking about how broke he was but he's like I wasn't so broken
I couldn't go next door at work for pizza. I like I was really broke
Omen is hollering like screaming
And at the time for had a really gay like really gay roommate like gay gay
Yeah, so he wakes up and he comes out and he's like Adam you have to stop
Like like hollering at him in fucking the gay
So we fucking no, I don't know who he was
Seemingly goes their own way like just everybody just decides to go on their own adventure
And I don't know will Coleman ended up going to sleep on the couch. I don't know what happened to Kyle and I left
I was like, alright, I'll see you guys in the morning. I'll pick you up at 7 or whatever time it was for the funeral. I
go home
Shower go to bed and I get up I get my suit on you know, yeah
Drive down Kyle's house and I get there
And I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed and I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed and I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed
Drive down Kyle's house and they get there and there's nobody there and I'm like
No Adams car no Kyle's car, you know nothing
Like oh, maybe they went to go get some I don't know
so like ten minutes goes by and
All I can hear coming down the block is just like now
These two fucking
Chuckle pucks come down the block. No, no doors on the Jeep. No roof. No nothing. It's cold out
fucking they got their
Coleman sitting on the roll bar up top Kyle's blacked out
They fucking like beach the Jeep in the lawn
Get in the car and we're like, all right, here we go. Let's go
I'm sleep. I go to sleep for like an hour and a half
I don't know how I got home. Like I thought you brought me home Sean. No, I don't know
I don't know how you go home either had to have been Rebecca somebody brought me home and so I
Finally fall asleep
I finally fall asleep. I wash my balls fall asleep and like 45 minutes after me fall asleep. You're gonna full call from Coleman
Yeah, can you come pick me up so we can make any time for Sean to pick us up?
I'm like, yeah, that's fine sons up. I'm still drunk. It's fucking drive out the shoulders and Gilded wood pick them up and
Adam steals his piss-warm 30 rack of Budweiser
So
We're drinking this the whole way back to my house and I'm like we're listening to fucking rap
I don't care. It would bang at DMX Adam the whole ride from fucking
alternate seven like from fucking College City Bridge to my apartment in Lansing Berg just sits on top of my Jeep
This fucking banging beers. I'm banging beers
I'm barely awake fuck a blackout fucking driving down for that and I beach it bang it off the front of my house
I said we're gonna park it right here
They fucking they get in the car and I don't know between here and the funeral I don't know how I
Don't remember how but somehow Jaina ended up with us
So she's in the front seat and she is when she had just had surgery. She might have been the one that brought me home
No
She went home with somebody else I'm just not talking about that
Neela says she winds up my house in the morning. She had a
Gigantic hot pink cast on her arm. Alright, so we're driving down 90
I don't even remember we had to go out to like eat bomb you had no license. I didn't have a license at the time
And
Booking Kyler in the back seat throw an empty beer cans out
So we get like 20 minutes away and
Coleman just sits up. Yes me to stop. So I was dead. He was dead. He was dead like drew on self
He sits up he goes pull over now
I'm like what the f*** I pull over he gets out of the car and just starts pop like projectile vomiting everywhere
And I'm like, oh my god, like this is not happening. Jane is throwing a fucking fit
She's hit me in the head with her cast throwing up out the side. I'm like
On the top of the fuck it's Subaru Sean has no license
We go to the funeral do thing and then we go to the
Celebrate the best part about the funeral was so Sean and Jaina go went first, right?
So they get in a good spot me and Adam are out ripping. Oh fucking what was his name? Oh that kid
That was he was dating Amanda for a little while there was his name so when a
Why my blanket
Oh now, you know it though, it's not it's not aiden it's fucking
It's not Anders
It's the Anders
No, he wasn't that wasn't him. No, you remember? No, but you remember the fucking name of the kid
But anyway, so basically the kid yeah, yeah, yeah
It's our way she and Amanda and Anders were engaged Anders. Yeah, but that wasn't him
No, but he gave me and Coleman like a fit the soko. Oh, yeah
Yes, he enters came out give me a Coleman a fit the fucking soko. We split it
Dan, it doesn't look like you have teeth right now. You're just going
We're already
We're already demolished. We split the fit the soko and we go in there and who's out there and
Fucking cocksucker Mike Daly, right?
We like
He just smells the alcohol and he's like I can't fucking believe you pathetic pathetic
You know, I'm crying my eyes out
You know, he's lost one of my fucking best friends is dead in the casket in front of him
And he's like you fucking pathetic piece of fucking garbage and then they start to service and after
service and Adams like
Thanks, buddy
so we go to the
celebration after
and uh
Sam Sam four of us to me Jane on frickin frack
And we get there we park on uh, I get out
Garce Rebecca walks up. I'm talking to her
Give her a hug Kyle and Adam go to get out and they're just like full
She looks at them she goes leave
Who said that Rebecca she goes they can that you they have to go
Understandably, so they were drooling on themselves
We had so I I had been drinking non-stop for probably six days straight now
So like we get back up. I'm like, all right. That's probably a good idea. So we in the car
I'm pissed off because we can't go get a free. Yeah, these two are mad
So it's just an uncomfortably awkward ride home. I'm blaming Adam
Jaina is still hitting everyone with her
Ass and we dropped her off. I think at her parents. Yeah parents out and we get Kyle and at this point
Kyle and Adam are dead asleep. They're both in the backseat
Jaina gets out. I'm like, I just keep driving you get back
We fucking get to Kyle's house
They get out and all of a sudden they went from drooling like on each other's shoulders
like two little toddlers to they both saw red
Still blacked out are trying
Now there's there was the embezzlement. They didn't fistfight in the front lawn. They tried to fistfight
The point where they were like swinging towards each other and falling
This one I
Looked at the tool. I looked at the two of them. I said I'm done with this and I got my car in luck
This went on for like 15 minutes me and Sean or me and Adam trying to have a fistfight in my lawn
Nobody connected a punch
I was like you fucking
scumbag
Fucking ruinous, but he's fucking going to me
I'm going to him but like the best part of this is so Adam goes up
He passed on the couch or passed out in the bed and I remember waking up then Sean. Were you there?
No, I left I was so mad at you. Do I left? Yeah, but did you come back with Rebecca?
probably
No, we went to her parents house when they they held the fucking intervention no, I wasn't there for that
I would have intervention for me and fucking Adam. I would have laughed
Fuck I don't remember who's I know Rebecca and Jaina were there they held an intervention for me and Adam and I was like
Yeah, you're right. I should probably stop drinking
um
That lasted for about a week and then I went on the drinking of the drugs even harder
And then I went up rehab two months later, but yeah, no, that was great. Great time
We had some slumber parties there before you went to rehab. Oh
We had some great that two months before I went to rehab
Wow, I slept on the floor in the hospital for like three days. Hey that yeah, you did baby
Yeah, Sean Oh slept on the floor in Samaritan Hospital until I went until they shipped me off to the mental hospital
And they said you know what you got to go to rehab. Oh
That's a good friend
Look about me a shot. Oh, we got we got a good relationship go ask him how he got there. I
Mean it's pretty apparent how he got there. No, so he was he was
He ended up in the hospital because he was on the phone talking a bunch of crazy shit. I
Tried I tried to Tony
And Tanya. No, no, I tried to blow my head off. I tried to blow my head off the gun jam
That didn't work. That's some defined intervention, dude
Yeah, so, you know, I ended up calling Curvin and I pretty much told
Yeah, I just tried to shoot myself and it didn't work, you know, like damn with you know
Some more words or whatever. So he called fucking Chrissy who then was like
You know like fucking Tony and Tanya show up in the ambulance, but they're like staged outside the area
I had to track his location and tell him where he was
So I'm out back behind my house smoking a cigarette and taking a piss mind of my own fucking business
Like man, that was close. I almost just killed myself and all sudden fucking 12 cops show up out of the woods
Are you Kyle? I was like no
No, who's Kyle?
My buddy drew sitting on the porch smoking cigarette. They're like, oh, that's it mortified. They're like, that's him
That's Kyle right there. So they grab and get start bringing them to the ambulance. I'm like, what are you doing with Drew?
And they're like so you're Kyle and I was like, no, I don't know any Kyle's
It's not the mall Gabriel shows up fucking Tony gets out and goes get in let's go
Oh, here we go
Beat them to the hospital. I was living to work. You got 941 by Anthony Nardone
They come they bring his fucking sticky badass Ellen fucking I'm
So dude, I'm so mad. I got fucking smoke blowing out of my ears. He fucking they lay him down the bed
He saw but I looked at him. I said you suck that bad at life. You couldn't fucking do
I was so I was so fucking mad and I'm
Demolished I'm fucking drunk off of so many fucking beers. I got heroin
I got heroin in my system cocaine to keep me going and I'm like
Yeah, I fucking suck. Sean. Oh
But he likes to stay stay in the hospital for like fucking three days straight and they
Him and John large drove me up to four wins. I stayed there for three days and they're like, yeah, you don't belong here
I mean I we transport him. I made him do his own PCR. I
Said I'm doing this so no, so so somebody else doesn't have to so you're comfortable. I said, but I'm not doing the fucking chart
I'm in the
They dropped me off there sent me to rehab and I spent 48 days of rehab that was great
Yeah, that picture on Facebook. It's me Coleman him Thompson and Rebecca and Kyle looks like a fucking beached whale
It was right before they shipped me off to fucking lockdown rehab
Well, we're glad you're here Kyle for to be our special guest on the podcast
Oh, absolutely. Did I ever tell you guys the stories about how I almost tried to kill myself?
Didn't you say you're like you?
Because you're like, I don't know you're on some I was on some like like experimental
It was some experimental like patch for ADHD and it made me super fucking like
Suicidal and I like it wasn't even like a it wasn't even like like I was like like, oh, I want to kill myself
It was like I made a list on what I had to do for that day
I'm like, all right, I gotta wake up take a shower brush my teeth hang myself make food
So I go to my closet and I fucking wrap a belt around my fucking neck and I hang it on the
I hang it on one of my like coat hanger like things and then I fucking try to hang myself
I kick the chair out and then immediately the fucking bar snaps and bonks me on the head
It bonks me right in the fucking head I fucking came to immediately like nice try to fucking hang myself
Also, I love the fact that I had things after hang myself
How old are you?
I was like 12
Like this was like but like it wasn't like I was like suicide
It was like the medication that I was on just was like, all right kill yourselves on the checklist whatever
But you know, I'm happy I didn't do it
I'd love to stick around until midnight
But I do I gotta wake up at 2 so fuck that damn. Yeah, I should probably go to bed
I gotta go to bed. I honestly just unlocked my phone and it was on this group chat and it connected me to the call
Look at the stories we just gave them Sean fuck a podcast cold
Yeah, thanks for being on Kyle and beep us yeah shot on Mac so I've been on for like 25 minutes
So do I get my buffalo chicken?
Buffalo chicken
I was at the shop and save today
I'm really love Buffalo chicken
Yeah, speaking of shop and save wasn't the one by Central Station a shop and save and now it's a market 32
I thought it was a shop, right? Right? Shop, right? Right?
I went in there today
That place is so fucking hood now. Oh
It was always
Not this bad. It was
All the time to buy fucking yeah
It was it was always I do now remember it was not it was always I felt like I was gonna go there one time
We went to go to their clothes. So we had to go to one on fucking Delaware
That one sucks dude, we I remember the one time me and
Fucking I think it was alley Mac. We went to shop right there and we were making pancakes
So we went in and we were doing we were getting pancakes and then there's just a fucking dude walking around in a fucking diaper
Just a diaper walking around the alleys like the the aisles
With the shopping cart just doing regular shopping and I'm like we're just like what the fuck is going on there? God
It's like just random shit like that. There's like piss on the floor, you know
Now think of how many places there are like that across America just like right now like people doing that exact thing
Yeah, there's not gonna be many left by the time daddy. Trump is all done. Yeah, I hope so
He's gonna fucking clean. He's gonna clean up the store. He's doing a good job
Clean it up America
It's it's day in America again. Yeah, dude
Yeah, there's gonna be no more Darnell call it out from the deli
America's gonna be so good. You don't want to call out
You know, that was probably one of the funniest of all the prank phone calls the funniest one
Casey had that lady
What's your name he's like
She's like nobody works here with that name he goes yeah this price
Trumpa
Walmart he goes
This is Jerry from produce
My managers just a real B
Call one up right now
Yeah, this is Ted I'm calling out
You come up with a fake name. Let's do it. Come on Ted. No, you do it
No, I don't have my phone on me. You don't have your phone on you. I don't bring my phone with me anymore to work
Why do you got at work though to distracting? I leave it at home. I haven't been home yet. You haven't been home
No, no, it sucks use Casey's phone. Okay. I dial one up
It's the Kanye West Valentine's Day special we gotta do a prank call we haven't done a prank call and how long fucking like
62 episodes
Walmart and Honolulu do you still have it in your fucking
Fuck 808 wasn't 808 area code
I didn't even know that was an area like the 808 drum. Here we go. We're open daily from 6 a.m
To 11 p.m. This call in your voice may be recorded for business purposes including fraud prevention
Three for online pickup and delivery orders rest for for electronics
You know, we gotta go electronics
There you go, dude
All right, what do you want me to do? All right
I thought try by a PS2
No, I said
Up on you what the fuck
Why do you say this call is blocked?
Dude, what did you do? We call them too much?
Maybe like maybe the electronics department. I thought you were gonna call out. Oh
Yeah, let me say
Yeah, you gotta call out Casey I am way too gone for that
You guys it's gotta be done in the Don Juan voice, but you gotta be like
Hey, you'll this is big Mike. I don't have to call out
Provision Center press three for online pickup and delivery orders rest for for electronics
Press five for fresh bakery press six for fresh deli press seven for human resources press eight
Yeah fucking dog tell me how you want to quit your job at Walmart
Oh, you can't anonymously
Oh shit just regular then no apps on your phone that's a spoof number
And I don't really be feeling like working all these hours then I put on all these hours all the time
Who's not the shift tomorrow?
Yeah, I don't really like me talking to my bosses and shit
I'll be eating all the food anyway get you know that all the time
All right, we're calling GameStop
This is a Honolulu GameStop still open it's open till 9
Little dragon, I mean he'd be running around and shit and breathing
You remembered you from four years ago
I am not having a good time
I'm not having a good time
I am not having a shit today
I'm fucking done
I couldn't hear it
Dan's started talking and he just fucking hung up
He immediately
Dude, I-I think all the ones that we fucking called immediately know
There's like an artist depiction of me
Sounded like this guy licks
Immidiately
He's back
Let's take a break
We'll be back on Untitled Podcast
Welcome back to Untitled Podcast Episode 97
You know Tyler
Ali Max says that you were better at this song than Tar Hero
But I fucking was epic at this song than Tar Hero
This was the only song I could beat you at
I know you were good at it
But I was fucking good at it too
No, I think you did actually one time
I could beat you at this song, this was the one song that I was like better at
This song was fucking epic
And this song only became popular because of the Tar Hero
Yeah, so we're planning the episode 100 special
Haunted Hotel Madness
It's gonna be in Lake Placid
We're gonna investigate a haunted hotel
What the hell? Hotel Saranac?
Hotel Saranac
It's got a really cool sign too
That's where actually I got my header on Facebook from
I'll show you it
Are you sure it's haunted?
Yeah, dude I had a ghost experience there
No, I looked up some shit about it
It's actually considered the 8th most haunted hotel in the world
Jesus fucking Christ
Oh yeah, it was like these are the top haunted whatever hotels in America
And it was on that list
God damn it
I want to go to fucking Canada
And now we're going to the 8th most haunted
The 8th most haunted in the world
Actually I still got my passport so I can actually still go to Montreal after
Look at how spooky
Oh yeah right, it's not that far right?
Yeah
Jesus fuck, what's that called?
Hotel Saranac
God damn it
What's in the pit room?
It's me, that was me at Hotel Saranac
I'm gonna get an Airbnb
Oh, when did you go there?
Did you see anything at all?
I did, I did, so they had the main building
And then they have a new building that they built
And I was in the new building
AKA the spot that's supposed to be not haunted
The new building
And I shit you not, I was in the hotel
I was laying down
It was either for my wife's birthday or our anniversary
I know it was during the winter time
Actually let me check the date that I posted that
It was for her birthday
So we went to Lake Placid for her birthday
We stayed at Hotel Saranac
And um
Recently?
Did you hear that?
Yeah, what was that?
It sounded like someone was walking upstairs
It might have been a cat or something
Maybe
Me and her were staying there
And she was sleeping
I was up
Because I just had trouble sleeping
A lot of times
So I was sitting on the couch
Watching the Avengers or whatever
There was some Marvel movie playing on the TV
I don't remember which one
But I just remember Spider-Man being on the TV when this was going on
At the hotel?
So I'm sitting on the couch
I was in, I think my boxers
It was the two of us
And all of a sudden
In the corner I just see something move
And I'm like
So the room that I was staying in
It was
A king sized bed
And it had a separate room
With a shower and it had a couch
The TV
And then it kind of angled off to the door
So I'm on the couch
Closest to the bed
Kind of just sitting there
And I'm like whatever
I'm just having trouble sleeping
Because I've always had trouble sleeping
So I'm sitting there
And then I just see something move in the fucking
Like the corner by the door
And I kind of turn my head over
And I just see a fucking figure of this guy
Like a fucking black shadow guy
Just standing there
And I'm like
What the fuck is that?
And it was standing there
And my wife rolls over and opens her eyes
And goes, you see that too right?
I'm like, yeah
And then I turn on my light
And it didn't move when I moved
So it wasn't my shadow
Because I was standing up at this point
Looking at it
And I'm about 5'10
5'11 area
It was taller than me
And I was kind of looking at this shadow thing
And then she turned on the light
And as soon as she turned on the light it went away
What the fuck dude
What the fuck is that about?
Dude those fucking shadow people
That's real shit
Dan are you scared to go into this haunted place?
Oh I just don't
I don't want to bring anything fucking home
You won't bring anything home
You have to
You have to provoke it
And like fucking chastise it
I'm fucking hanging on by it as fun as it is
I don't need demons around me
God damn it
Don't you want to know that there's something out there?
I know
I know there's something out there
I want actual fucking proof
That there's something out there
I'll bring some, I'll go something gear
We'll have a little live session
So like
Three problems with this
Trip
The first one was what we were talking about
Is I fucking
Get car sick now
I usually drive
But there's all these mics that we have to bring
And so how
Would we fit that in the car?
We can put it in the trunk
How are we going to fit it in the car they fold up?
You can put it in a trunk
The same way you got them to my house
You're right
I know I'm right
Second thing is
You know that shooting that was in Las Vegas
What did that guy do?
He brought a bunch of fucking bags
Into the hotel and brought them upstairs
And there's like fucking
Four guys carrying a bunch of fucking duffel bags upstairs
They're going to be like what the fuck
Does it overlook a Jason Aldean concert?
I don't think so
It overlooks a lake
In the middle of fucking August, in the middle of March
Right
Alright no you're right
But the third thing is
So this episode 100
Is likely going to get
Pretty rowdy
We'll get a fucking noise complaint on us
In the room
When we went up and we went off
Because it's technically quote unquote the off season
Even though it's still open
There's barely anybody there
Who wants to go to fucking Lake Placid in March?
This is just a normal hotel
People go to?
So you can just pull in and not know it's haunted
Yeah
It's a normal hotel
It's not like
Just for haunted exploration
No it's an actual hotel
I want to rent the most haunted room though
I want to talk to them about that
If we say hey
We have a
Do you know what room it is?
No that's why we'd have to call them
Be like hey we run a podcast
I think I was looking that up
Hey we run a podcast
Like we want to have our 100th
Episode here blah blah blah
Like type thing
And we want to see
They have a meeting room
There and if we talk to them
And see if we can do that
They could
You know see if we can get
The meeting room like that we could use that
For the episode
The 100 year old building
In upstate New York has officially been named
The 20th most haunted
Hotel in the country
That's not as bad as the 8th in the world
Like 8th in the world
It's like what the fuck is this
Is this a portable house
I mean 20th in the country is still bad
I know there's like so many haunted
That's pretty low dude
If you're like 20th in the country
At something that would be like not that fucking great
Like if you're like oh I'm 20th
Think of how many hotels there are
There's probably hundreds of thousands
Dude I was number one in the world
On that challenge in flight simulator
Yeah that's because you were actually number one in the world
Right was it
What the fuck was that
It was a ghost
See it would be so fucking cool
To be like doing the podcast
Something is moving up there
It's just my cat
Nah dude that doesn't sound like a cat
That was too heavy for a cat
That's my girlfriend
Wouldn't it be cool to just be fucking doing the podcast
And some fucking ghost shit happens
Something ghost just happened
That would be fucking awesome
Yeah but we're not in a
Okay I heard that
What the fuck is that
I don't know
No I mean there's
There's people
I heard someone talking
Let's go upstairs real quick
I'm going upstairs real quick
Tyler's going upstairs
He's going to find my fucking cat
What the fuck was that
It's probably
My fucking cat does weird shit
My cat fucking jumps on the counters
Jumps on the fucking bathroom
Window sill
All the time
Did you find anything
No
Your cat was just sleeping
In it's fucking little basket thing
Oh
Well there has been a lot of break ins and cars
In this area lately
Oh shit make sure mine's locked
Mine is locked
Last week
Yeah like
I'll bring some of my ghost stuff with me
When we go
What do we think of the 20th
Yeah
So fucking miracle
On ice
What does that fall on
What day of the week
Thursday
I gotta take it off
And then we'd come back Friday morning
Unless you want to go to Montreal after
How far away is it
From Montreal
I think it's still like 3 hours away from
Lake Placid
No
It's close to Lake Placid
Dude that is up there boy
I think Hotel Saranac is
I think 3 hours away
It's 2 hours 15 minutes
From Hotel Saranac
Yeah
Wow it's still far huh
Yep
How far is Toronto
6 hours
6 hours from here
Dude it's fucking crazy that people even fucking live up there
It's like what the fuck are you guys doing up there
It's fucking
That's fucking southern Canada
Imagine like northern Canada
The zip
The area code for it's still 518 though
Up there
Is it
Yeah I just looked it up
518 goes that fucking far
To the border yeah
No shit
But yeah it looks
It's an old hotel it looks really nice
The rooms are nice
It's technically a Hilton too
Damn
But yeah it's a nice hotel
Barely anybody
Will be there cause March nobody really goes
Like you know late winter
Early spring like that's kind of like a dead time
So
When me and Emily went it was
December which I'd figure
If people would want to go to Lake Placid for December
We were the only people in the entire hotel
At that time
So we could like investigate the other
Parts of the hotel
I think that we really should talk to the
Like the staff there and see if we can do that
Cause if we can that'd be fucking really cool
Well that will
That'll be your responsibility
Talk to the staff
Yes yes
Alright we'll do it
Fuck yeah maybe get access to the fucking
You know spooky shit
I'll talk to them
See what we can do
I think Dan's still afraid
I'm gonna be like are there any
Airbnbs nearby
We can do the podcast there
And I'm gonna sleep at a different airbnb
Dan you said
I'll sleep in a room alone
I'll sleep by myself in a haunted room
Damn I'm gonna take a video
I don't want to sleep by myself in a haunted room
You and I can have a room
And I'll take the haunted room
No it'd be two rooms
Two in each room
No but that's what I'm saying if he takes
If he does an airbnb and doesn't stay in the hotel
Oh no he has to stay in the hotel
I'll stay in the haunted one
So who would stay in the haunted room with me
No Dan's fucking staying in the haunted room
Fuck no dude
I'll put my earbuds in and just
Fucking listen to like peaceful music
And I'll just be fucking like a seance
I'm gonna get fucking attacked just for like bringing so much
Like fucking peace and shit
I'll just be doing like a seance in the corner
Oh god
Yeah it'd be like two in two
And then uh you know
We'd both be in haunted rooms
Damn
I'd do it that sounds fun
Dan you were saying earlier in the chat
I have something to say to you
We were talking about like
Elon Musk or some shit
Yeah yeah I got
I got something to say to fucking you
Alright you're saying that uh
If you invested
A portion of your income
Or you invested your income over
50 years in congress
Right if you made 200 grand a year
Right you made 200 grand
Over 50 years you say it would be close to
100 million dollars
Oh I'm serious
That's bullshit
No that's 12 million dollars
Bullshit you would only have to invest half and it would be about 100 million dollars
You're exactly right
And it's over the course of like 60
60 years
Right you're exactly right
And that doesn't account for generational wealth
So if they were handed down money
Which they probably were because those are the only people
Who can afford to get into politics
And do you see how much
The last 20 years
If you invested even 100,000 in them
Back then you'd have 100 million
Dollars today
Yeah that's exactly true
And then I see fucking Elon
Is fucking you know
Being like oh the fucking
The senators are paid too much
And why does this person have 95 million
Dollars
It's like bitch you're like running a
Department of the government and you're the richest
Person in the world
It's like I mean so
Elon steps out of his lane sometimes
But he is doing a lot of good shit
Like you need somebody like him
To come in and just fucking clean up dude
Because have you heard about this
All this USAID stuff
What specifically?
USAID
Or USAID
However you want to say it
It's basically just
It's a way for the CIA
To send money
Like when they don't want to do it overtly
They do it covertly through USAID
So
It's like basically like
It's like a money laundering scheme for the
Deep state
That's what they're saying
I don't know dude you need somebody
Like him to come in and fucking clean up
But I will say he steps outside of his lane sometimes
He does it a lot, he does it a little too much
But he's also
Fucking fixing things so
And this isn't
We act like this
There's this quote that says
The things happening today are the same things that happened to
People, different people 20 years ago
Like this is
Nothing new dude
Reagan had the grace commission
Which was exactly what Doge is
Alright so we're acting like this is like
A new idea, what happens is like
Liberals come in, they have no idea how
Fucking money works okay
This isn't like a Republican vs. Democrat
Thing, like Republicans don't
Know how gun control works, they don't get it
They think it's like somebody trying to infringe on the rights
It's like no dude we don't want that weird
Kid in the back of the classroom going into Walmart
And getting a gun and killing everybody here
That's not gun control, that's
Psychopath control
So you know
Each side has their things that they're terrible at
And things that they're good at right
The left is really good at the arts and shit like that
Republicans are really good at managing money
They're really good at law and order
You need the creativity of one side
And you need the law and order of the other
Law and order yes
Fucking money is a different story
Like the economy
Dude they just get it, they just fucking understand
Like what money, like what needs to happen
Like
Elon Musk is a Republican
Obviously Elon is you know
Good with money, if he's going to make
You know 400 billion dollars
But there has to be
A certain level of greed when you're the
Richest person in the world
I don't think it's greed dude, I think actually it is a type
Of greed, he really
Doesn't give a fuck about
Anything but getting to Mars, and I think he
Really wants to see that happen in his lifetime
So when you see something
Getting in the way of that, like he's like
Oh these fucking liberals
They just, they over regulate
Everything to the point that
Dude he said it got to the point
Where he was getting
Sued because he
Wasn't hiring enough people who were
Minorities by one branch of the government
And then the other branch of the government was suing
Him because he wasn't allowed
To hire people that weren't natural born citizens
Right so
Two branches of the government
Were suing him for laws
That overlapped, that contradicted
Each other, and it's just like
Insane, and there's so many
Laws in the United States that people
Can't get anything done because
All these lawmakers do is make
Fucking laws, there's no way
To get rid of old laws that are no good
So you know
You can't grow, like the
Economy can't grow when it's hands
Are tied, and they literally they forced
They forced Elon to lie
What are we talking about? We're talking about Elon Musk
So they forced him to lie
Right, like basically
Somebody at the Securities and Exchange
Commission, they wanted to say that
They were the guy that took down Elon Musk
So they basically put his fucking
They
What the fuck are you doing
I'm reading the declaration of independence
So they basically
Said look, we're going to make
Tesla go bankrupt if you don't
Admit to these crimes that you didn't do
Basically, so they forced him
To say he
Committed these crimes
And dude, that's fucking complete corruption
Right, so I think it's poetic
Justice, that you had that level
Of corruption in this fucking
Country that's supposed to be so fucking perfect
I agree
Now he's in charge of them, right
Now you have Tulsi Gabbard who is on
The do not
Fly list, the terrorist watch list
Right, now she just got
Confirmed as the
Head of National Intelligence
Right, it's fucking poetic
Justice, dude, it's poetic
I guess
I agree if they did something
RFK, RFK
Officially got us like
He did
I've just come to understand both sides
Are fucking, you know, off their fucking
Rocker lately. I don't think they're off the
Rocker, dude
I think what always goes on
Is there's a battle
Right, there's a battle going on between
The fucking who's in control
And
Francis Lightfoot Lee, there's my grandfather
Very nice
So
You know, it's always like sorting itself out
Right, like the Republicans
Of today are really
They're really like the
Left of 20 years ago
And it's always changing
You saw that video of Madri
Taylor Greene that I sent, right
Yeah, I don't like her
She's psychotic
It just represents how like both sides
Yeah
At the extremes
I feel like both sides have become
Fucking extreme in the recent years
We used to have
John McCain versus Barack Obama
They were both a moderate Democrat
And a moderate Republican and they respected
Each other
Obama's not really moderate, but whatever
Well, he's a normal Democrat
Right, and they fucking respected each other
And they say, you know
We disagree, but we're not going to fucking
Like go insane about this shit
Well, the Democrats have gone
Sicko mode outside of the fucking shit
They have
I've come to realize that, but so have the
Republicans in response
To that
Dude, the fucking RINOs on the right
I fucking hate them too
You know what I mean? I hate both extremes
You know, I'm center
Left, dude, that's where I am
So, and right now
What actually is more center left
Than anything is fucking Donald Trump
But Donald Trump's not center
Left
See, he has to be Republican
Right, and he's
He has to say he's a Republican
Let's fucking go
Team USA beat Finland in the fucking
Four Nation Force face off
Let's go, Team USA
He was saying this week, like
Actually today, he was trying to end
The war in Ukraine
He had a phone call with Zelensky
And Putin today
To try to fucking
Make a negotiation
And he was like, oh, Ukraine
Has to accept that they're going to give up
The territory in eastern Ukraine
That was disputed
And so that was
The whole reason they went to war
Is because Russia claimed this land
Invaded them for this land that belonged
To Ukraine, so it's like, what was the point
Of the war
If we're just settling and fucking
Russia gets what they want
Well, you know, it's not that simple
Though, right, because
Human beings just want things
To be like, clear cut, black and white
There's a right guy, there's a wrong guy
There's a winner, there's a loser
What if both sides are wrong?
Like, what if they both
Did things that were wrong? What if they both did things
That were right? So what did Ukraine
Do wrong to get
Invaded by Russia?
So here's what they did wrong
And actually the United States overthrew their government in 2013
This is common knowledge now
That's how the CIA operates
So what they did wrong
Is Russia came to them
And they said, if you do not join NATO
We will give you 20 billion
Dollars
To not join NATO
So they gave them 20 billion dollars
And then turned right the fuck around and tried to
Join NATO
So, okay, dude, you're going to lose some of your country
Because you stole 20 billion dollars
Too fucking bad
Like, that's the price, dude, there's a real price
To that, it wasn't imaginary
Monopoly money
It's fucking real, you took it
And they said basically
It was like a 20 billion dollar
Package of like
I think they were going to supply them with like energy and shit
And they just turned
Right around and tried to join NATO
Bro, it's too fucking bad
You got invaded
Like you stole 20 billion dollars, that's what happens
Like, 20 billion dollars
That's 20
Thousand million dollars
Right
20,000 million
They stole, they're just these little fucking tracksuit
Wearing pricks, stealing everybody's fucking
Money, dude
Bro, but do you see now how Trump is
Supporting Israel just like Joe Biden
Did, sending fucking aid to Israel
And like, you know
It's basically the exact same thing
He just sent, yeah, he just sent a bunch of missiles
You know, a bunch of
Government
Taxpayer money
What happened to America first?
I don't think, dude, why are they both on the side of Israel
Nobody's getting on board with that
Like, you're just
But why are they both on the same side?
Because they control the banks, dude, you gotta be
You gotta be, you gotta be on their side
You don't have a choice
But
Anyway, are we playing Jeopardy?
Hell yeah, let's do Jeopardy
And I gotta leave by like midnight
Sam
Don't fuck with me
I didn't know if that was in the headphones
Like if he was replaying
In an earlier segment
I was like, what the fuck, what did I miss
And then you're actually doing it, why?
Welcome back to Jeopardy
I'm Alex Shabek, here with your
28-time winner Tyler
Should be 29, actually
Should be 29, but fucking Ali Max
Stole the win from me
13-time winner Dan
Oh yeah, baby
The vitamin B1 man
Actually, I'm kind of, I don't know
Am I feeling it? I kind of feel more awake
Than I was before
We would have to take a two-week break
To go in the 20s
What? Well, I think
There's gonna be an episode 99 and a half
Then we'd have to take a
One-week break
Well, if there's any off weeks
Or, we'll figure it out
Alright, we'll figure it out, we'll talk about it
99 and a half
Um
Back on the show today, we got
For the category today
We got, how do you like your eggs?
Oh, over-eased
The study of
Independent films
Give them hell
Master of the Macabre
Emo lyrics
The classic, classic emo lyrics
Speaking of, where the fuck is Ali Max?
Uh, matching
And matching acronyms
The fuck?
First pick is
Neither of you, because Ali Max won
I'll do it, because I should have won
C'mon, baby
Uh, Tyler's pick
Uh, let's do emo
Emo lyrics for 200
Am I more than you bargained for yet?
Oh, fuck, I know it's
Uh
Sugar, we're going down
By Fall Out Boy
Do you need the band to?
No, no, just the song
I was going to say Fall Out Boy, but then I'm like
It's not the band, it's the
It's the song, yeah
Dan's pick
Uh, eggs
How do you like your eggs? 200
Past tense from military jets that quickly took off in response to an alert
Scrambled
Ah, fuck!
Fuck, it was better than I wrote, fuck, I'm done
Emo
The lyrics are 400
When you find a man that's worth a damn
You're too well, he's a fool
You're just as well
Hope he gives you hell by all
American rejections
It's not hope he gives you hell, it's gives you hell
Same thing
He said I hope she gives you hell
We wait for being tactical, it's gives you hell
Just give it to me, you win so many
C'mon, bro
He said the right answer in there somewhere
Uh, Dan's pick
Eggs, eggs, eggs
400
For someone who is unsentimental
About violence
What is egg-nastic?
No
What?
Oh
Hold on, hold on, hold on, don't time it out
Don't time it out
Adjective for someone who is unsentimental
About violence
Oh
Hard boiled, what is hard boiled?
Yes
Like hard boiled like crime novel
I thought agnostic meant you were like indifferent
Towards it
It does, bro
It's how you lick your eggs
I thought it was a fucking play on words
Alright, I'll learn
Emo again I guess
You know, for 600
You could slit my throat and with my one last
Dying breath I'd apologize
What is make damn sure?
Oh no
No? That's not make damn sure?
You could slit my throat and with my one last
Dying breath I'd apologize
For bleeding on your shirt
You could slit my throat
I know
And with my one last dying breath I'd apologize
For bleeding on your shirt
No, that would be your soul last summer
Oh my god
Emo again
Fuck
800, I'm stuck in a coma
Stuck in a never ending sleep
What is can't be saved
And then I'll finish off Emo
For 1000
Because
You know
Because you don't know us at all
We laugh when old people fall
What is fat led by something
Oh hell yeah
Mmm
Damn
Eggs baby eggs
You keep getting the egg ones wrong though
600, under the influence
Of marijuana
Like Ali Mack frequently is on Jeopardy
Under the influence
Of marijuana?
Under the influence of marijuana
Like Ali Mack frequently is on
Jeopardy
I don't know
I can't think
Of a thing for that
Say it one more time
Under the influence of marijuana
Like Ali Mack is frequently
On Jeopardy
Yeah time it up
That would be baked or fried
I was gonna say baked but I've never had a baked egg
Yeah what's a fucking baked egg
I don't know but it could be fried also
Damn stick
Fucking eggs let's get these eggs done with
800, add some mayo and
Celery and you've got this dish
What is deviled eggs
Nope
No it's um
I can see it um
I
I'd be egg salad
Okay I fucking hate this category
Damn stick
Is there another one in eggs
Yeah yeah
Let's just fucking get it done with
1000, also describes game that was
Illegally taken
What is poached
Very good that was good
That was good
I know that could have been playing a game where poachers are a problem
So I can
Totally you got
You got the study of independent films
Give them hell
Master of the Macabre
And matching acronyms
Master of Macabre
Master of the Macabre
For 200, Edgar Allan Poe's
Poem the Raven gave his name to this
City's football team where the story
Is based
Fuck
Do master of macabre
For 400
Well
Not a BLS war story, this post story
Is about someone being slowly cut
In half the long way
Oh fuck
Um
No that one
Is the coffin
Uhhhh
Time it out
The pit in the pendulum
We'll do the next one on that
For
600
Tyler Double
Tyler's got 2000, Dan's got 400
What would be the standard
Deviation of this question
600
We'll do 4
400, this poe story
Features a man riddled with guilt
After killing and dismembering his employer
What is the telltale heart
Yes
Did you know that one
Um
Master of
Macabre
For 800, this poe story is named after
A superstitious furry friend
Named after a superstitious
Furry friend
No
Be the black cat
Uh
I guess I'll do the next one then
1000, poe married
Virginia, this kind of relative
When she was just 13
What is his cousin
Yes
Fucking poe
Uh
Tyler you got study of independent
Films, give em hell, matching
Acronyms
Give em hell, I don't know what this is gonna be
Give em hell, for 200, perhaps the most
Well known place named hell is
Located near Ann Arbor in this
Wolverine state
What is Michigan
Yes
Give em hell
God damn it
400, this adjective
Sounds devilish but really just means
Greek
What is Hellenic
Yes
That was a Dan question
Dan's big
Same category
I have your keychain on my
My little stand
600, Keanu Reeves
Played this hellblazing comic book
Character on film
What is Constantine
Good movie
Good comics
Hell
800, examples of
This supernatural canine include
Cerberus
Black dogs
English folklore
It's not even trying
Not even trying
It's like zoned out
Dan's coming back right now
Hell
The capital of Finland
This house sinking
Yes
There you go
There you go, you got one
I got one, I got more than one
Dan you got the study of
Independent films and
Matching acronyms
200
I'm going to give you
An acronym, you got to tell me what the other
Acronym is that matches it
The Culinary Institute of
America
What is CIA
Wait is it just the
Do you have to say like
Oh if it's these three letters
No it's, so I give you
The Culinary Institute of America that's
CIA so you say
Central Intelligence Agency
But he just said the CIA, he didn't say Central Intelligence Agency
So we can't just
Be the three letters
Right, but that agency
Technically yeah
Technically Dan was right but you're also right
From this point on
Gotcha, fine, fair enough
Dan's fake
Same category
400, Bed Bath and Beyond
What is the better
Business
Fuck
Tyler
Acronyms
600
Daily Double
Tyler's got
5400, Dan's got
2000
What would be
The standard deviation
Of this question
600
600, the Bureau of
Land Management
What is
Black Lives Matter
Tyler's got
Do the next one
Ray 100
Amiotrophic lateral
Sclerosis
Ami-o
Amiotrophic
Lateral sclerosis
Hold on
Let it ride
Ami-o
I know what it is but I don't know what the other
Amiotrophic lateral
Sclerosis
Hold on
I mean
Fuck
I know it's ALS
But what's the other fucking
Most advanced life support
Oh fuck
It didn't even occur to me
Tyler's fake
1000
British Columbia
Before Christ
I was wondering
Are we doing the Latin version
Of it or are we doing the
No, Before Christ is
English actually
Dan you got the study of
An independent film
The study of, baby
The study of
Human behavior, culture, society
And linguistics
Fucking
God damn it
For 400
Study of the skull
What is
Craniology
I was going to say
Phrenology
Same category
600
Study of internal secretory glands and hormones
What is endocrinology
Fuck fuck
This is your category Dan
Dan's got it
Same category
800
The study of water
What is aquology
Oh no
What is aquology
What is hydrology
Yes
I got the points back
Aquology
Dan's big
Same category
For 1000 the study of infants
What is
Neuronatology
What come back Dan you got
Independent films
7200
To 5000
7200
Oh 7200
Dan you got independent films
7200
This 1992 feature was Quentin Tarantino's
First film and focused on a
Jewelry heist gone wrong
What year?
1992
What is reservoir dogs
Yes
I'm not going to get into these
I was thinking
It's a fiction but then I'm like no it's not that one
It's reservoir dogs
Next one
400
A remake of this classic 1922 horror film
Was released in 2024
What is Nosferatu
Yes
Next one
600
This 2004 film about high schoolers in Idaho
Was made just for 400k
Over 46 million dollars
What is super bad
No
Oh
What is Napoleon Dynamite
Continue down this path
For 800
This 2004 film
Depicts the final 12 hours in
The life of Jesus of Nazareth
On the day of his crucifixation
What is the passion
Oh jeez
Damn
We'll do the next one
For 1000
Fuck
What's the scores
I've got 8600
Dan's got 5000
I've got 1000
For 1000
This 1999
Horror film populized the found
Footage genre
Oh damn it son of a bitch
I wanna god damn it
I was gonna do it true daily
God damn it
Well for the better
Dan can still win
Tyler's got 9000
Dan's got 5000
I don't have my phone on me
You'll just say it out loud after I
No you'll have to type it in my phone
We're gonna let Tyler pick the category for this one
What?
What category do you want?
Do you want pop culture or geography?
Pop culture
Alright
Pop culture Dan
True wager
Alright I got your wagers
Question is
American rapper
Bad Baby became famous after
Appearing on this talk show in 2016
American rapper
Bad Baby became famous after
Appearing on this talk show in 2016
Is that mine?
Uh
Tyler says Dr. Phil
That's correct
Tyler bet
Tyler bet 3000
He got 12000
Dan said Dr. Phil
He bet everything
He's up to 10,000
But Tyler still took it off
10,000 dollars Tyler
Catch me outside
How about that
That should be number 30 for me
But
Catch me outside
I didn't stand a chance there boys
You didn't stand a chance?
I didn't stand a chance
Why you were close
You were close
Smoke me like a fucking chimney god damn it
Alright
Well
Thanks for listening to the Untitled Podcast
If you have any suggestions
On what guests we should bring back
Or not allow back
Email us at Untitled Podcast
Untitled Podcast 73
At gml.com
Join us for episode 100
Live in Lake Placid
It won't be live but it will be
For us
We're gonna go hunt some ghosts up there
We're gonna take a picture at the
Miracle on Ice Rink
It's gonna be a nice one
Eat some good food
I'm looking forward to it
And as always
Be kind to yourselves
We out
I saw the joke
Extended episodes
Where the fuck did the
Siermans come from?
Where the fuck did Stonehenge come from?
You're telling me that they didn't die and become ghosts?
They're killing
Born babies and sell them to the Chinese
Aliens exist
Somewhere in China
Alright in some days
What the fuck
There are super soldiers that are at least 9 or 10 feet tall
Oh my god
Did they come from our planet?
Then they are extraterrestrials
They are aliens
What do we do?
I do not negotiate with them
What a fucking disaster
What the fuck
Oh god
We gotta go to the fucking moon
Because fucking JFK
Got assassinated by the fucking
Government
He got killed by the CIA
He was killed by the government
Before my eyes
While holding their pulse, feel them die
Of this virus
You feel bump bump bump
Nothing, they're fucking gone
I've seen it happen
I think that the government has
Taken it to the next level with the birds
They know what birds
Are going to cross caps with you
That you are going to be able to raise
And they are going to make them so fucking real
They are going to sink money into them
Because they know that if you put that motherfucker
In a cage they are going to be able to convince you
That thing is fucking real
You can cut it open, you are going to see blood cuts
No surgery, but let me tell you their technology
Is absolutely vile
Which by the way big brother is the overlord
We are only living in the third dimension
George Soros is an actual Nazi collaborator
I'm not fucking lying
It's fucking real
Look it up
He says that he was doing this shit
George Soros actually worked with the fucking Nazis
During the Holocaust
He says that he was doing it just to survive
But he fucking loved it
He was having a great fucking time doing this shit
George Soros is the fucking devil
He's been doing this shit for a long time
George Soros is fucking evil
He's the actual fucking ringleader for all this shit
He's fucking put down a whole bunch of shit
Just don't fucking get it
Everybody likes Donald Trump
Donald Trump is the fucking worst person out there
Fuck Trump
He's not the actual fucking leader
It's George Soros, it's Bill Gates
It's fucking Elon Musk
It's everyone out there
Everybody says Elon Musk
It's the shit
Elon Musk is so cool he made a place for himself
The actual government is trying
The actual true government
Which is George Soros and all the fucking Nazis
Who are actually the ones that are trying to fucking all of it
The queer politicians are paid off by the fucking bill
It's your fucking aim and you're not passing pictures