Just say it.
But were you entertained?
I was so entertained that it blew me away.
The only reason I am here.
All right, well on that note,
welcome back to Tales from the Service Industry.
Yay.
Hey.
I'm your host, I'm Bill.
I'm here tonight with Andy.
He's joining us again from the number
that will surprise you episodes one and two.
The number is not important,
but it will surprise you always.
Miss B, welcome back.
Hey guys.
And our resident deviant on the fourth mic is Liz.
Hi team.
Andy, thank you for coming back and joining us again.
Appreciate you being here.
I am beyond thrilled.
Now, when you were here the last time,
you shared with us that you had so many more stories
and I hope you came locked and loaded.
I'm so excited.
So in the preparation of this episode,
since the last time I was like,
gosh, I know there's more stories.
And as things happened during my day,
I've created a journal of notes
that have triggered memories of yesteryear.
Oh my gosh.
Some of which that probably should have been forgotten.
Probably should have long been forgotten
and should have actually probably never happened.
But that's not here nor there.
So in preparation of this particular episode,
I'm like, Bill, just like that nice and husky.
Bill.
Let me share with you some titles.
And he said, oh, Lord.
Like we have to have you back.
Well, how fast can you get back here?
Oh, love it.
And there's been a few more stories
that have been added to the collage since then,
the cornucopia of customer service stories.
So, yeah, this evening.
So can we call it like Andy's Bible of something, something?
I think we need like a good name for it.
Andy's cornucopia.
I think that's it.
Let's put a pen in this and we'll see how the episode ends.
For sure.
But can you admit you think at the pod,
like every day you work, like thinking of these stories
and you're like, oh, I got to write this down.
Yeah.
And it's usually a time I'm like, I totally forgot about that.
But man, oh boy.
Oh my god.
This one's a doozy.
And then I do that and I'm like, oh, this is also a doozy.
So it's going to be a, yeah, it's going
to be a very interesting episode.
I'm excited.
Well, let's see how it tracks.
And with the company present, this
might be more epic than the last time.
Is that even possible?
It is possible.
It's a tall order, but it's possible.
Oh man.
I'm excited.
Let's drink up.
So in giving some of these thoughts,
I mean, so I nicknamed everything.
So I threw all these nicknames out because that just so I
knew so I gave them some.
And so the first story that came to mind,
and it wanted to have it on the last episode,
and we didn't have time and it didn't dawn on me.
Literally, I'm walking out.
I'm walking in my car and I get in.
I fired up.
I was like, oh man, how did I forget that?
So.
All right.
Well, let's launch with that one.
Let's launch with how did I forget this one?
So I'd been working in our tourism resort detail
for probably like a year and a half.
I hadn't been there too long.
And it was at a time where we were very short staffed.
So I ended up working overtime graveyard shifts
and nighttime shifts in the same area of all the resorts.
But I wasn't the resort officer.
I was like a patrolman, but I was in that area.
And so all the hoteliers knew like, hey,
Andy's out here working.
He found me problems overnight.
All the night auditors call Andy.
He'll come handle the problem.
OK.
So I get a phone call from the director of rooms
who was working late because they had a bunch of big events
or whatever.
And so she calls me up.
She's like, Andy, are you working?
I go, what else do I do?
Yes, of course, I'm working.
And she's like, OK, good.
You've got to get her right now.
Is it like life or death or what's going on?
She's like, you.
Can you give me any background, please?
All I get is you need to get her right now and then she
hangs up, which is OK.
By the way, the most common way in working hotels,
you need to get here and then hang up constantly.
So I'm like, everything's a cliffhanger, right?
Everything's like, what kind of thing am I walking into?
Exactly.
You have no idea what to prep for mentally, physically.
Nothing.
No clue.
So I was like, all right, well, it's Saturday night.
So I get this phone call.
And I go, OK, well, so I drive over and I pull in the parking.
That's a full service hotel.
So it's almost 300 rooms, I think, full service hotel.
Actually, it was Keti Corner from Winnebill's Old Hotels.
And it's one of the hotels that if you've ever stayed at,
it has a very lovely atrium that usually includes
koi ponds with fish and big mountain things and a lovely
breakfast bar in the morning.
So all these hotels are usually designed
that the hotel opens up into the inside.
So you can see into the interior,
and they have all kinds of aquatics and all kinds of weird
things going on in the middle.
Cool.
So yeah.
Sounds horrible to upkeep.
Oh, it's middle.
You should talk to the chief engineer.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
So I come pulling up and so she's standing outside
and she's waving me down.
Like I don't know where I'm going first off, but fair enough.
So I pull up.
And so we called her Char.
I go, yes, Char, what can I do for you?
She's like, you got to get, you got to come to look at this.
You got to come get, you got to come help.
I'm like, all right, what's going on?
She's like, look, we have two or three events going on.
One of which is a wedding, which if you've all
had a hotel that hosts weddings, you know.
Drunkins, troublemakers, drama.
Yes.
So I come in, so I'm walking, so I'm saundering in.
It is like 10, 3, 11 o'clock on Saturday.
So I come saundering in and she's like, come on, come on,
come on.
I was like, OK, right.
Well, this particular hotel was a little extra
in their lobby decor.
So they had this like fake mountain thing built.
In the lobby?
In the lobby.
They had this fake looking mountain thing that had a waterfall.
So there's a free flowing waterfall
that came out of the little mountain thing into their koi pond.
Wait, was someone in the koi pond?
That would have been better.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm dying.
Can I ask a quick interjection?
Yes.
Is this the same hotel as the disco dildo?
Yes, it is.
No.
Well, on top of the mountain is this animatronic lion.
And so it's a full-sized, like, lion king looking lion.
That is like turning its head.
In a hotel.
Every 15 minutes.
Giving a girl air.
Plus or minus bingo.
So every 15, 20 minutes, the thing like turns on and like turns it.
Arrrrr.
And then it like turns, right?
So it's like this really cheap Disney knock off animatronic
that they put in.
For sure.
Right?
So just so we know what this is.
But it's a full-sized looking lion that stands at the top of this thing.
Right?
And so as I come in there, she's like, look.
So I look up at the top.
And this lady.
Someone's riding the lion.
Yes.
Are you kidding?
On top of the lion.
Woo!
With the head.
Like it's a mechanical bull.
Bull, bingo, hand overhead, screaming.
Woo!
Riding at the top of the lungs.
Ride me, big guy, ride me.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Is she clothed?
Yes.
But it's in like wedding style.
She wasn't like the bride or anything.
But she was in a full gown?
No, she was in like the what we call the California gown,
which is like the short, like mid-thigh looking gown
that you're standing up.
That's Liz's favorite.
To give a real definition, that is a cocktail dress.
Yes, you would be the more subject matter expert than I would be on that.
Yes.
You have been taken to school.
I have.
Earned my degree and I came back with a nice t-shirt.
You've failed.
As she's sitting on this thing, right, she's legs straight out to the side.
Did you get a good view?
Well, as I walk in and look up and in my head, I'm like, God damn it.
Because she's obviously very inebriated.
Right.
She's not going to listen to any reason because she's screaming at the top of her lungs.
And I'm like, how am I going to get her down off that thing?
That's in my head, I'm like, she's not going to go with the program at all.
Oh, God.
And as I'm sitting there looking at her, like trying to figure out what I'm going to do,
all I now hear is, yeah, baby.
And I look now to my left.
And on the other side of the mountain is her fiance, boyfriend, husband, whoever this guy was.
Just cheering her on.
Oh, of course.
And I was like, fantastic.
So the second I start to kind of intercede here, he's also going to have a problem, right?
Because he's all about this.
Oh, no.
So I looked at Shar and I'm like, have you tried to get her down?
Like, what have you done?
She's like, we've tried pretty much everything.
She's not going to come down.
What?
Oh, Lordy.
So I scream at her, hey, and she looks down and she's like, what?
Yep.
I'm like, get down from there.
And she's like, no.
I'm like, oh, Lord, how am I going to do her?
Let me guess.
Does she say, what are you going to do?
In so many words.
So I'm like, well, I'm not getting her down.
So I go over to boyfriend and fiance, whoever this guy was, and I go, look,
dude, here's the deal.
You get her down off of there.
We'll all be cool.
You don't get her down off of there.
You're going to jail and she's going to jail.
Oh, is this an option A, option B?
I'm like, I'm not going to do all the hard work.
I'm going to make the guy who's got the relationship further do all the hard work.
That's smart.
That's super smart.
Smarter or not harder.
Yeah.
So anyhow, he.
I think she wanted the harder and not smarter.
Oh, for sure.
Which is why you think she was on a line and not her fiance boyfriend.
Who's going to lose, right?
I mean, so she eventually comes down, right?
Boyfriend talks.
You're down.
I'm disappointed.
I thought you were going to have to like climb up there and get her.
Blow her.
You're not going to be disappointed yet.
Oh, no.
Oh, there's more.
But the brakes, but wait, there's more.
So she comes climbing down, right?
They're like, oh, hello, Louis.
All right, this is going to be pretty easy.
So she gets down and I go, OK, are you guys staying at the hotel?
OK, in my head, I'm like, if we can get her into a room, lock them up.
Then we're done.
We're done.
And then give them a threat.
If we hear a peep from you, you're evicted.
You're done.
Yeah, you do.
We call the felony finger.
You wave the felony finger at them.
Oh, I like that.
Don't you ever do that again.
And we're going to be fine.
Stay in your room.
You're grounded.
Yes.
Unfortunately, they were not staying at the hotel.
So now I got to get them out of there.
So now I'm like, well, they're two drunkies.
I can't put two drunkies in a car because they're going to crash
and kill somebody.
That's not going to work.
So I go, OK, well, how'd you guys get here? Oh, we drove. Oh, Lord.
OK.
So as I'm trying to figure this out, unbeknownst to me,
Lionrider plus boyfriend, fiance,
Lion Tamer, or Tamer, or Arouser might be a lion,
Arouser might be the better way to put that.
Are now in a argument over what they're going to do
and how they're going to get home.
So now they went from, yeah, baby, go to like FU.
No, FU, no.
Well, you called the cops.
No, you called the cops.
None of you called the cops.
The hotel did because you're out of control.
Time to go.
So as this starts to progress, I'm
like, I don't have time for this anymore.
We got to go.
We're going to call you a taxi.
Or if you got family in this marriage thing, wedding,
you would, let's go.
So as I start to walk them out, I'm like,
let's get you out of the lobby first.
We get on outside.
Well, more family members start coming out.
I'm like, hey, who claims these two bozos over here
so we can get them out of here?
Well, she starts getting mouthy.
He starts getting mouthy.
Of course.
So finally, he's like, F this.
And he walks off.
OK.
Well, that went swimmingly well.
So he walks out.
Now I'm left with the lion, Arouser.
Is she like pretty intoxicated at this point?
Still.
Pretty is a subjective word.
She was ugly intoxicated, not pretty intoxicated.
Oh, damn.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Sloppy drunk.
Sloppy.
Yeah, not good.
Like on a blood alcohol level, what are we talking?
Like a 0.12 kind of a thing?
We're talking that her blood alcohol was probably
higher than her GPA.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh.
I mean.
Ouch.
Boyfriend didn't want to deal with it.
He's out.
Peace.
Yeah, he was like, I'm out.
So he rolls out.
OK, great.
So I'm stuck with her.
So anyhow, she gets mouthy, long story short.
She decides to assault Andy.
You're kidding me.
Oh.
How so?
She put the hands on you?
Yes.
Where?
By the look on his face.
Down there?
Probably not where he wanted.
Face.
In the conversation of trying to figure out
how we're going to get you either home or whatever,
I'm not drunk.
I'm going to do whatever I want.
No, you're not.
We need to get you out of here.
She goes, I'm going back to my real boyfriend,
which is the lion.
Oh.
Are you?
No.
She turns to beat feet back into the hotel.
To which point, I'm like, nope, we're not doing this.
So you kind of put.
So I grab her by the arm because she's walking away from me.
So I grab her.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hold on.
It's like, oh, look, come back here.
Well, as I pull her back, she turns around.
She winds up.
Wines up, which I don't see right away.
And I see this slow, old-fashioned haymaker coming.
Oh, no.
Like from left to right.
And she's probably like 5'3, maybe?
5'4, 5'3, 100 pounds maybe soaking wet.
She's fairly petite.
So I see this haymaker coming, and I had enough time
to think like.
She really going to hit me.
So the first thing I'm like, is she really going to hit me?
Second off, is this really happening?
And third, I go, how bad is this going to look?
Because I have now, probably, presumably, family members
and everything else.
So if I cut her off at the pass.
You have a crowd.
And do some sort of use of force move
to take her to the ground.
You remember me on YouTube.
I am now going to be dealing with much more
than this slow, drunken haymaker.
So do I just take it from this 100-pound girl?
So what happens is, as I see it coming,
I step back away.
Does she fall?
She misses, goes right past me.
And as she starts to spin around,
I then grab both of her hands, clickity, click, clack,
right in the anchor to go.
Nice.
Fancy schmancy.
Smooth.
To which Char was like, oh, that was sweet.
And she's watching it.
She's like, ooh.
Right?
Like she's watching this whole thing play out.
So I'm like, all right, we're going to jump.
Like that's how we're going to solve this.
We're done.
That's attempted assault.
Well, it's a little grap.
I'm like, we're going to go for drunken public.
We're going to do the least amount of crime here.
She probably didn't really mean it.
She's drunk, whatever, right?
She's, you know, she's got a bad night.
It's not good.
That's just drunken public.
You'll get a ticket.
I'll probably get dismissed anyhow,
and we'll go about our date, right?
Wow.
Which is what I thought.
So in handcuff, she goes.
And I just happen.
I'm sorry, clarifying question.
Not fuzzy ones.
And not the first time she was in handcuffs.
OK, no.
That's a clarifying question.
If you arrest her for a drunken public or whatever,
give her a ticket.
Does she just sit in the drunk tank?
Yes, for six hours.
Yep.
So she sits in her little drunkie tank for six hours
until she roughly sobers up.
And then she calls somebody to pick her up.
Yep, we kick her out the front door of the police department,
and then she can figure it out from there, right?
Right now.
Thank you.
So grab her in my police car.
I'd walked him out to the car.
I was like, sweet, car's right here.
We're just going to throw her right in.
Well, so as this happens, what I do not see in the crowd
is her brother now decides to emerge.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, no.
There's nothing like a protective brother, man.
So he comes out, hey, what the earth, man?
I'm like, hold on, pal.
That's worse than a boyfriend.
Yeah.
I'm like, hold on a second.
Where were you when she was riding the lion?
Where were you when she was dumbing?
Wait, did you ask that?
Yeah.
What did he say?
He was like, what?
What?
She was, oh, no.
I was at the bar.
I was watching.
He is just as drunk as she is, right?
Of course.
So I put her on her go, look, don't worry about it.
She's going to be out in a little bit.
We're going to sober up.
It's all going to be good.
So I'm talking to you.
All right.
Here's what I don't see.
As I'm now dealing with brother,
boyfriend comes back to the picture.
I knew it.
I catch him out of the corner of my eye.
I see him coming around.
I was like, oh.
Is this the call that's never going to end?
I'm like, so I'm just getting brother like wowed down
because then of course, mom and dad come over.
Right?
It's a whole.
Do you all want to go too?
I'm like, look, she had a little too much to drink.
She's riding the lion.
There's some protein.
Right.
So they're kind of like, OK.
She's just going to get sobered up or going to let her go.
She's going to call you in a little bit
to come pick her up from the police department.
So as I'm talking to him, I see boyfriend hovering.
Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.
He comes around the back side.
So I'm watching him coming around.
He's circling the scene.
He's circling.
I'm like, what is this guy?
Like you should have just left.
Like now what?
As he comes in, babe, I love you.
He runs up and tries to pop open a police car
door to rescue her.
Oh my God.
Rescue a handcuffed woman.
Yeah, for a very low-grade misdemeanor,
high-grade infraction, like not a big deal.
So he comes up.
He's like, I got you, babe.
And he goes to open the car door.
I'm like, hey.
I go, no, no, no.
So I push my way shut door.
No, she can call you too.
F you.
Here comes the second haymaker of the night.
I was like, these two are meant for each other.
Apparently.
As I see the slow motion haymaker, I was like, here we go.
Did the same thing.
Backed up.
Oh, I was hoping you were taking to the ground.
Misses.
He swings around.
I grab him.
I put him in handcuffs.
Clickety-clack?
Clickety-clack.
He goes, and then I set up a police car.
So now I have both of them sitting handcuffed next to each
other in the police car.
Oh my God.
At no point did you feel that you needed any backup,
especially with a crowd?
It wasn't like a unruly crowd.
They were kind of like a curious, like how do we,
like, and then after they saw that, they were like, oh.
Like they deserve this.
He means business.
Yeah, we're sorry about that, officer.
We're really, yeah, we'll just tell her to call us.
They were very reasonable about it, surprisingly.
So I'm like, all right, I'm getting out of here before.
I can't feel anyone else in my car.
We're leaving.
So I get in the car.
You don't want to put anyone in the middle seat?
Shotgun?
Obviously, you've never been in the back of a police car before.
No.
Does she look like that?
She has.
Well, this is a podcast.
You don't know what she really looks like.
Oh, it's funny.
There is no middle seat in a police car.
The back seat is a solid piece of plastic
that has these concave.
Butt seats?
Yeah, kind of.
And it's mid.
Interesting.
They're curved out, so it's meant to have, when your hands
are handcuffed behind you, that you fit into the seat.
And then you belt them across, so they're like strapped in.
Wait, so what's in the middle?
Just solid plastic.
Like hard, like plastic.
There's nothing in the middle.
Do they have seat belts, or are they kind of just like,
sucks to suck?
Well, no, it's a seat belt, but it's not like where you grab it
and click it in.
It's a.
It's just across your waist?
No, so they have two.
So one that goes across your waist, that's designed.
It looks like a race car seat belt,
because you have the quick release.
Gotcha, gotcha.
So you put it in, and you grab the quick release to tie them down.
So you click it in, and it's got this large strap handle
that you pulled and cinched the seat belt down.
And then there's a second one that goes across the shoulder one.
It clicks in the same way you strap that thing down.
So you have two different belts to strap them into the seat,
which is kind of uses like a restraint too,
so if they're fighting in the back, you can put them in and kind
of strap them into the seat.
OK.
Fun fact for anyone like myself who has never
been in the back of a police car.
Yeah, you should try it.
No, thank you.
I did live with a police officer for a number of years,
but we pretty much just saw the patrol car.
And when you say that, was it like in jail?
Like you lived there, and the police officers
were there at the same time?
It was my roommate.
Oh, OK.
That's a likely story.
So anyhow, we get in the car.
Time to go back to the station.
When you got two lovebirds in the back, strapped in.
Lovey-dovey.
And I love you, babe.
I love you too.
I do anything for you.
I got arrested for you.
And I'm like, oh, my goodness, make it stop.
Oh, my god.
You're my ride or die.
Literally.
What?
I was the lion.
The lion was a rider dies.
Sure.
Yeah, so all the way through the booking process, same thing.
Screaming down the hallway, I love you, babe.
Good God.
I love you too.
I was like, and the jailer looks at me, and she's like, really?
You did this to me.
I go, enjoy your nest six hours together.
Six hours.
We're going to be here.
Toodles.
Oh, my god.
Yep.
That's hilarious.
Ride the lion.
OK, so you know what's funny?
We've had a couple of fun stories
that have dealt with drunks and whatnot.
My phone reminded me the other day of an issue
that we dealt with.
Do you remember when I was at that hotel in your precinct,
right?
Do you remember the DUI that came into the parking lot,
the guy that was on the moped?
Bigly, yes.
This dude.
So we're walking.
I'm walking the parking lot.
And there's this guy in the back that
is sitting on a curb that is barely able to sit.
So I called him, and I'm like, hey, I've got a situation where
I've got this guy who is clearly lit.
He rode in on a moped.
He's not actively on it, so it's not like an MUI,
a mopeding under the influence to go along with our BUI.
Oh, my god.
Not like a DUI.
Yeah, yeah.
Are riding under the influence, baby?
I don't know.
Yeah, so it's like, look, he's trespassing.
He's drunk in public.
He's not actively riding, but you know what?
What's a bicycle riding?
It's still a DUI, right?
Yeah, the legal is still technically driving while,
a DWI.
So I think it still would be a DUI.
Well, but I didn't see him driving.
He wasn't actively riding it.
He was just sitting on the curb.
Unsuccessfully.
Like, no, this dude was like, yeah, well, yeah,
unsuccessfully.
This dude was literally like half a second from passing out.
Like, he was blackout drunk.
And so Andy comes over, starts interviewing the dude,
and he didn't even know that he was a cop.
Like, he is so drunk.
He thought he was just like a hotel employee.
Just pull out your N, F this, F that, F you.
Because are you in like pretty plain clothes?
It was a different uniform.
Yeah, I was in khakis, which I always said,
you know you've made it in life when you can get to wear
khakis to work.
But like, badge on the belt.
Yeah, so we were in your chest.
So it was called a soft uniform.
So what that means was, so I had khaki cargo pants,
like the tactical, like BDU looking cargo pants.
So hot.
Oh yeah, khaki.
We had a black pillow shirt.
And so in the front, we had an embroidered badge on the front.
And it had, you know, resort services, tourism policing,
had your name, a police officer, corp or whatever it was.
The back of the shirt was screen-printed police.
So it had all that.
And then you had your gum belt on.
And so on your belt, you had your badge clipped on your belt.
But it was a full, like, normal looking police belt.
Just, we were in a, what do we call this?
So we didn't have like patches on our shoulder.
It wasn't like a traditional police uniform.
But you still looked.
I usually got mistaken for like hotel security.
Because the only thing that said police,
like screaming police was on the back of my shirt.
Because it was in like, you know,
eight, 10 inch tall block lettering.
But when you're just talking to someone face to face,
they have no idea.
Or you see that, like I have a gun and like all the police
paraphernalia, like tasers and guns and batons
and all kinds of other things, right?
But if you hear that intoxicated,
you might not have noticed this big ass belt
that probably weighs 50 pounds.
Yes, nope.
He didn't notice, Jack.
So what happened to him?
Did you let him go?
No, he ended up arresting,
uh, a bit of arresting, anything?
How much have we drank?
He ended up arresting the guy.
But the guy was so plastered.
He did not have any sort of clue who he was talking to.
He just thought he was going on a car ride.
Yeah, pretty much.
Wee!
And the fact that he made it there alive.
That is what was shocking.
Was shocking.
Eek.
Well, and you know, so alcohol is a funny thing.
You know, we talk about this guy,
and when you're drunk in public like that,
we don't take like your blood alcohol.
We don't make you like blow in a breathalyzer.
We don't take your blood.
In that, it's like you're obviously intoxicated
because you weren't driving or anything else.
There's no, we don't have to like pull blood
or any other things that you would do for like a DUI.
There was a DUI case, driving work in midnight,
and so this lady's kind of weaving down the road,
or I was like, oh, okay, you're drunk.
So I pull over.
She's got all the drunk type symptoms.
But like drunk like, you had one extra drink
you probably shouldn't have had at the bar, right?
Like very coherent, answering questions,
but a little wobbly, a little slurry.
A little too feisty.
I've been doing this job now for 15, 16 years.
So you can easily recognize someone under the influence.
I've done this for a time or two, right?
So in my head, this lady's like a 0.1215,
like you know, the legal limits, 0.08.
So like she's like a drink and maybe two pass it, right?
Thinking that she was okay.
She's not obliterated.
She's not blitz.
She's not like Mopad Man, right?
Like, yeah.
She's not a lion rider.
Yeah, she's not lion rider, right?
She looks for the most part on the epitome.
So I go, all right, you know, so we do the test.
Yep, you're low, you're low,
drunky drunk, time to go, right?
We got to go to jail, right?
So we, oh, I'm sorry, officer.
I didn't realize that was that, you know, whatever.
So you have a driver back to station, right?
So we're doing all the thing.
And so I go, okay.
So you have your choice, right?
You have blood, breath, urine, what do you want, right?
So yeah, I'll do breath.
That's, I don't like needles.
I'll do breath.
Okay, here we go.
No problem, blow on the machine.
So she blows in the first time, 0.38.
Are you kidding me?
And I'm like, you'd be dead.
I'm looking at this and I'm like, uh.
No way.
Like how are you talking to me like this right now?
Yeah, I'm like, this has got to be wrong.
So I was like, oh, okay.
She's like, how'd I do?
I was like, whoa.
You're a B plus student.
Let me check the machine real quick.
So I go over, I'm like, oh, something's not right here.
So I hit test mode, calibrate,
put the, there's a little machine you put on
and calibrate, make sure everything's good.
Clear it out, blow the thing out.
Change the mouth plate.
So I'm like, okay.
So test thing, okay, calibrated.
Okay.
So you're like, okay, let's try that again.
Let's try this again.
That was a practice round.
Let's go again.
There we go.
Blows 0.38.
Are you kidding?
And I'm like, there is no way.
Really good drunk.
Yeah. So I'm like, okay.
So you have to wait a couple of minutes, right?
Here you go again, 0.37.
And I go, how much have you had to drink?
And she's like, not more than I usually do.
And what is that?
That's the million dollar question.
What? Okay.
Well, how much do you know?
She goes, well, I usually do a fifth of vodka.
Are you?
No.
And then I usually trade it with a some tequila.
But tonight I had a couple of beers in between.
That might have done it.
I'm sorry.
I was like, a couple of beers.
That might have just put me over.
Just a little bit of the legal limit.
Just a touch.
I was like, how are you coherent, upright, speaking?
And you only seem like a little drunky drunk.
Like one or two cocktails pass.
I've known someone that got hospitalized
cause they were, I think it was like just almost a 0.2.
And they were like nearly dead.
The human body.
Like stomach pumped.
No, like they nearly got alcohol.
They were almost, I think it was like a 0.19
or maybe a 0.2 something.
And they were alcohol poisoned.
Well, and a lot is the tolerance of the body, right?
Like when you're a functioning alcoholic, right?
Your body builds tolerances.
She clearly had a problem.
Oh, she had a huge problem.
Wow.
Because the human body,
doesn't matter what your tolerance is,
at about the 0.4 plus range is.
Death.
Danger.
Danger, danger.
911.
And you gotta figure her body was such that
she could have probably kept going and not have,
cause your body's like breaking mechanisms.
You pass out from drinking too much.
Just so you stopped drinking, right?
That's part of the built in like mechanisms
to make you not do that.
We even before that, like you puke.
That's nuts.
So did you tell her what she blew?
Yeah. And she's like, oh, that's high, huh?
What?
I go, well, I guess comparatively speaking,
yes, that is very high.
Right? Like.
Kind of like quadruple the legal limit.
You were more than you should be.
Yeah.
And you just thought you were pulling someone over like,
eh, they're drunk.
Yeah, I'm like, oh, they're a little drinky drunk.
Little bit, right?
And it's like, you watch the performance of these things.
Cause there's no pass fail, right?
It's just like, how do you, you know,
how do you follow directions?
What's your balance?
Like how do you, all these different things?
And she was like kind of decent.
Yeah. Like not horrible.
That's why I said, like in my head,
I've seen so many like in that point, one, two, one, five,
like you've had one or two more than you should have, right?
It was a mistake.
You had to get home.
You thought maybe, maybe you stopped drinking an hour ago
and you were drinking a bunch of water,
but you had too much early on, right?
And your body hasn't metabolized all that down yet.
Right?
Like all these different things.
It's like people like, I don't want to say honest mistake,
but it's like in their head, they're like, ah, no,
I should be good.
I haven't drank for like an hour.
You had a bunch of water with your bodies not like, that's not
the way it works for everyone listening.
Wait, I'm just getting a ping from our research department.
Yeah. So, so our research department dove into this
while we were discussing it.
How much do you think she weighed within, within 20 pounds?
Oh, give him, give him 30.
No, no, no.
Cause the chart that research sent up is showing in 20
pound increments.
Oh, okay. I apologize.
She was probably about five foot six ish,
five, six, five, seven in that range.
Average for a woman.
She was average size.
So maybe like 130 ish plus or minus.
Okay. So she wasn't, she wasn't like super skinny rail,
like anorexic, like model skin, but she wasn't like.
So you would say 120 to 140.
Yeah. In that range.
Would that be our range?
Yeah. Um, sort of. Yeah.
So, um, we would be looking at anywhere between nine to 10
drinks an hour.
An hour?
At a point three eight.
An hour.
Yeah.
Wow.
Winning.
An hour.
That's crazy.
I mean, Miss B, you and I have had a few cocktails together.
I've never had that many in one, let alone one night.
In a night.
That's what I'm saying.
Thank you.
In an hour and a night.
I don't even think I can take that many.
Damn.
Per hour.
That's a lot.
That's forking commitment.
I'm trying to sneak a peek at your list.
No, don't do it.
Don't do it.
No, don't ruin it.
I'm so excited.
You are not a part of the research team right now.
Miss B, any, uh, bees of the week.
I always have them.
If I may, while you're thinking.
Yes.
Let me quick note of clarification.
Sure.
When you say any bees of the week.
So we have the A whole of the week segment.
But Miss B has had some special winners.
So we've created a new segment just for her
and it's Miss B's bee of the week.
Just so you know, depending on the listenership,
if you tell a cop, hey, you having bees this week?
The California Penal Code section for prostitution
is 647 subsection B.
So when you tell a cop.
That's like slang, like you got any bees this week.
Hey, you see bees out there?
That means there were there any prostitutes out there.
Oh my God.
Different definition for this pod.
Yeah, very radically different.
That's so funny.
So I'm like, ooh, did she have any bees?
You got prostitutes at your hotel?
I feel like, ooh.
I'm sure we do.
What?
Okay.
I mean, she could.
Well, yeah.
You know, our favorite music industry
convention is in town this next week.
It sure is.
It is all about what, 50, 60,000 people.
Try 100,000.
It's 100,000.
It's 100,000 people in three days.
And it is nothing but coconut.
Coconut.
Outside of the convention.
That just gave me chills.
So speaking of stories out on the list,
but oh, I didn't want to run out.
No, no, no, you're good.
Speaking of bees, there was a room at a certain hotel
that was very close to the convention center.
Not mine?
No, not yours.
Okay.
And we recall one night that there is a nude woman
running up and down the street.
Oh.
The same story is short.
She was a bee in a room.
You're a kind of bee or Ms. Bee's kind of bee?
No, my kind of bee.
My kind of bee.
Subsection bee.
Yeah.
In a room, the John of the proposition pushed her out
to the balcony of the hotel, which was on the third story,
and probably locked the slider and left.
Oh.
The problem is the point of the negotiations
was that she was unclothed.
Oh.
And now locked on the balcony on the third story
of said hotel.
Yikes.
Which the obvious course to resolve said issues
to jump off the balcony into the planters below.
Ouch.
Which she landed in dirt, a couple of shrubberies,
and I believe a bird of paradise.
Oh.
To be specific.
Yeah.
Mid business transaction.
Eek.
Yeah, negotiations broke down midway through.
Oh my God.
So she got booted to the balcony?
Yes.
That's right, unfortunate.
And also unpaid.
Oh.
I guess you negotiated that before you take your clothes off.
Well, negotiation was made, but payment had not been.
So there was outstanding invoice for her services.
But that's also her mistake.
Yeah.
That's just bad business.
Yeah.
She didn't get a deposit, no down payment.
So you run it for incidentals.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So as she emerges covered now in dirt and shrubbery.
Few scratches.
Now this is which means that there's people out to light
all the wee hours of morning.
This is like 10 30 at night.
So all these people see this naked bee bopping on the road.
She now panics, realizing like, this might be a problem.
She runs in the lobby screaming that she got thrown off
a balcony by her husband.
Oh.
That's not going to deflect very well.
No, it didn't.
It took the two officers that got there about two seconds
to figure out what was going on here.
You're still naked in a lobby.
Yeah.
Did she get her clothes?
No, because it was in her room.
Oh.
So would you do have to like give her a towel or a robe?
We didn't give her anything.
The hotel was very lovely and gave her a bathrobe to leave.
That's good.
The premise is I would have given her a plastic bag.
Black trash bag.
All right, guys, ready for the B?
Let's bring it.
The B hole, the A hole, whatever you want to call it.
Miss B's version of the B of the week.
So today I'm going to read you guys a nice little story.
Ooh.
This is a review that came in this morning.
I was going to say, are you an author now?
I am.
So this review came in this morning
and my entire staff has all read it and all day
just been cackling over it just because it's odd.
I'll start off by this.
The member is our highest tier of our rewards program
and they rated the property is an 8 out of 10.
OK.
So for those of our listeners that think, oh, that's
pretty decent, that's a fail in our world.
10 out of 10.
Yeah.
It is a fail.
But still keep that in mind.
It's an 8 out of 10.
OK.
It's a high fail.
All right, their overall comment.
Hate to be neutral instead of a promoter.
What do you say?
Switch a little?
Yes.
The check-in killed me, period.
You're dead now?
Well, you're so you're writing from the grave?
What's going on here?
Exactly.
The check-in.
Ghostwriter.
Killed me.
Kelly, we're going to call her.
Kelly is an associate of mine.
She works at the property.
Kelly wanted to show me she was in control
and I was the peasant.
Yes, the peasant checking in.
OK.
It was her world and I was merely a player in it.
Is Kelly the B in this whole story?
Like what?
Don't hate the player.
Hate the game.
I hate this.
We were always like, what?
It goes on.
I just don't know why.
You can't be consistent at hotels with check-in.
I already checked in on the app and you torture me at 1
AM with Kelly.
Torture.
We tortured you with the check-in process.
And we have no idea what happened.
We have no idea what went wrong.
This sounds like an SMM kind of guest.
You like to be tortured, dominated, and he's a peasant.
Oh, what does that mean?
The verb is twice.
Sexually humiliated.
Yes.
I'm thinking, you're checking at 1 AM.
What are you doing there at 1 AM, Pat?
I'm sorry, there's a foot out there for everybody.
OK?
I'm not judging.
I'm not being judging.
But he does not want Kelly's foot.
You knew that was coming.
That's just in from the resident deviant.
But yeah, so that literally, that
is perplexed us all day long.
All the staff and everyone's been taking turns reading it
and laughing.
We're like, what the hell?
What is the customer service history with Kelly?
Never gotten one of these before.
Like, no news is good news.
Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to lie.
She's an overnight associate.
They're not normally like, of course.
Star customer service, of course.
But this review kind of just like, what?
Have we pulled the history of the guest
because I'm wondering.
I would start there personally.
Go on, excuse me, excuse me.
I like to check in because I don't want to deal with these.
Peasants.
Yeah.
And don't give me Kelly to talk to.
Yeah.
Well, I mean.
I'll treat you like a peasant.
I understand that she's kind of domineering.
I'm in room 213.
You know, I did email this guy, though.
And I formulate my response.
Coming from the office of the bourgeoisie,
we'd like to talk to our peasants.
We'd like to offer you some cake that we would also
like that you could eat as well.
Yeah.
No, but literally, I did email and tried
to be as professional as possible and say at the same time,
what the f**k happened?
After all of that, he was like, I'd still give you a beat.
Yeah.
That's the part that makes me laugh.
Exactly.
It's still 8 out of 10.
Like, all of those comments still 8 out of 10.
If somebody's going to treat me like a peasant,
I'm not going to give you an 8.
I mean, unless that's what you really want.
How you treat your peasant.
But is that the score or property overall?
Or just still gave an 8 out of 10,
which to a normal person, you would think, was this just a solid B?
Was this just a one night stay?
Yeah.
What was the staff service score?
That's a great question.
Maybe that should have been lower, right?
Like, the overall hotel, everything was lovely, but boy,
I'd kill each other.
Still gave her a 6.
Huh.
Still gave her a 6.
This guy's generous.
And gave Claude Luna some 9.
There you go.
Hey.
OK, is 9 passing?
Yes.
9s and 10s are passing.
So give everyone 10s.
Is that what you're telling me?
I don't really know.
Yes.
4 and 9.
I don't rate anyone.
Although, I was just at another property recently
in a city that we all had named.
And it looked very lovely.
And I rolled in, and so I'm here checking.
And I walk in, and I'm like, this doesn't really
look like the pictures.
Uh-oh.
Right.
Whatever.
Right?
I'm like, get it, glamour shots.
So I check in, they're very nice.
Oh, here's your room, Alan.
Thank you.
So I walk up.
I walk the elevator.
I'm going up.
Oh, this is fine.
And the door opens into a time warp of 1991.
Nothing like the picture.
Nothing.
I walk out in the hallway to go down to my room.
And it is the 1991.
The rug is green and pink.
All the fixtures are gold.
The frames are like the most generic artwork in a gold matted
frame.
Groovy.
Oh, that's not 90s.
That's 80s.
Yeah, it was on the cusp.
It was like the 91.
It's made me think of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, for sure.
Oh, for sure.
Like 91, but we haven't remodeled yet.
No.
Yes.
Yeah, because it's now 2023.
Right?
We're a little bit past that.
I walk into the room, and I didn't get any better, got worse.
Oh, no.
How has this hotel not been remodeled since it was built?
That's insane.
And so I'm like, all right, whatever.
So I sit down, and I have a Zoom call.
Right?
So I'm sitting in the room, I zoom.
And the people in the Zoom call are like, where are you?
And I'm like, oh, I'm in a hotel.
Like, can we see it?
So I pick up.
Oh, my god.
They want to see it.
Yeah, they want to see it.
So I get the score, right?
I'm like, OK, wait, wait, wait.
Is this somewhere work has sent you?
Yeah.
And they have paid for it?
Yeah.
Well, when I see work.
I was just kind of judging you if you picked this yourself.
Well, no, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
Because the pictures said it was like,
I looked at the pictures.
They were lovely, right?
That was only the first floor of remodeled rooms.
I run the organization, right?
So it's like, when it works in you, I sit myself.
And so I'm like, oh, it's a full service hotel.
So I'm usually like, OK, full service hotel, right?
From the 90s.
Like, it had not been touched until it was built.
That's insane.
And so I'm like, OK, they were lovely people.
It was nice.
It was clean.
But it was like.
So scores.
What'd you give them?
So the score comes in.
I'm like, all right.
So knowing how this works, I'm like,
I got to say something because the people on my call
were like, where are you?
What is going on?
It's not just like, I was like, oh, bad choice on my part.
Like.
Did you intend to recommend it?
That would be a no.
So that's number one.
Staff 10.
Food was really good.
10.
Friendly.
But then it came down to it was like.
It's in decor.
Yeah.
And I was like.
I'm going to have to go negative here.
No, no.
Can I guess?
Go.
A three.
One.
Yeah.
Oh, I.
Because that's the lowest you can go.
But are you were you nice and like gave it a five?
I give it a seven.
What?
I was nice.
Because it's so filling, but it's like a high feeling.
And but I had to.
I mocked that.
So here comes the.
Here comes the.
So I had to write a comment.
OK, I'm like, you just can't throw that out there and be like.
Mike drop and walk away.
Right.
Although they probably are fully aware of the problem
of their property.
Right.
A three would have been a Mike drop a seven.
So I did seven.
I go, I understand this is failing.
Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.
I know how it works.
I go, look, I go, the people were great.
The food was great.
Everyone was very friendly.
Like I said, everything you could control was lovely.
But I walked into a time warp of 1990.
And I go, it normally wouldn't have been a problem.
But I was on a zoom call and they even noticed the time warp
I was in, in which case it now detracted from the business
zoom call I was on to talk about how poor the room decor was.
So embarrassing for them.
Oh my God.
So I go to the hotel room.
So I go, look, it gives you a case
that you know, would you recommend property?
And I go, look, I don't want to.
I can't.
Because pictures.
Unless I roll it in my Ford probe for a 90s convention.
Yeah, I think I think that went over me and.
I'm out.
Bees head unless it's a themed stay.
What's a Ford probe?
Exactly.
Bill knows what's going on.
I owned a probe.
Damn right.
You did.
1996.
Oh yeah, you did.
Look that thing up.
And so I was like trying to be as nice, but I'm like, you can't.
Like how is this passing QA?
Like how has Marriott like skipped this property in the time warp world?
Like how did this happen?
So I send this thing off.
Maybe 15 hours go by.
Maybe I get an email from the general manager.
Yeah, because we have to.
Yeah.
And I'm like, so in my head, I'm like, oh God, I cause this guy more grief.
Like I was trying to like make it just enough to where they're like, oh, yeah,
I know we got a remodel.
I was trying to make it like that.
So I didn't like it didn't listen to response.
Sure enough.
So Jim, I really appreciate your business.
So happy for your loyalty.
I'm glad that.
Blur, blur, blur, blur, blur.
Yeah.
What did he say?
We're fully aware of our outdatedness.
There was actually, you know what?
Hold on a second.
Let me go to the research.
Our need of remodel.
I think I still have his email.
I think it's.
Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure.
Yeah.
So the dramatic reading of the general manager's email.
Oh, you found it.
The research team got back to you.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts regarding the condition of our property.
We agree.
We are in the final design phase of a full renovation that is scheduled to begin later
this year.
Once again, we thank you for taking time to share your feedback.
And I appreciate your choosing to stay with us.
It's just a cookie cutter.
Copy, paste, send.
Yes, to every single guest.
Preset template.
Literally, if you click the dropdown, it says renovation.
You click that one.
That is what pops up.
Yep.
Oh, that's funny.
Yeah.
My favorite at the property, Bill and I last worked out together.
We were in desperate need of a renovation as well.
Like several guests commented that it looked like the 80s threw up all over our hotel.
Yeah.
There was a lot of pink and teal.
And brass.
Mm hmm.
And it was ugly to say the very least, but we got close comments all the time.
Well, and you know, and something else to keep in mind, the problem with the renovations in hotels.
Like think about it this way.
You get a renovation in 2022.
Mm hmm.
But because of the time it takes to do the renovations and the planning.
The designs are from.
They start the renovation like 2018.
Yeah.
But then there's designs, there's permitting, there's revisions, there's, you know,
establishing your vendors, there's getting the furniture manufactured, there's shipping,
there's all these things.
So when the renovation actually hits, you're already out of style.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I am actually going through that right now with a fitness and a remodel.
Well, there you go.
I started in October.
And it will hopefully be finished by.
October.
This October.
Maybe.
Possibly.
Hopefully.
Here's to hoping.
Give me a prayer for my equipment lead time.
So that's all I'm saying.
Yep.
You'll have like a brand new gym and nothing inside of it.
Like aren't the walls pretty?
You'll have a brand new gym and all the old equipment.
That.
Yep.
We'll know because we're timing least equipment being sent back that we've already extended
our lease.
So I have a hard date to send equipment back.
Gotcha.
And we better be in construction.
Yikes.
Yeah.
Oh, the timing of it is just, you don't even want to know.
Well, this is after summer.
Uh, our potential install day is July 31st.
Ooh, or not.
Or not.
Wah-wah.
So speaking of time warps, who likes the 70s?
No one raises their hand.
Nothing good came out of the 70s.
This story did.
Oh, excited.
It's going to say that was far before my time.
So very early in my career, I've been working for maybe a couple years or so,
and I get assigned to the missing person task force.
Ooh.
Now, you say, ooh, but back then it was like every 16 year old who, I like my boyfriend
and mom or dad's like, nope.
And they're like, I'm going to run away.
Right.
And then.
Missing person.
I watched a lot of SVU.
I know that.
Yeah.
So it's not, when I say that, again, not to like downplay missing person,
because it's a very serious thing.
But most of the folks that we were working with, like 99%, run away.
Run away.
And then you find them like the very next day because they come trucking home after,
like, you know, their boyfriend's parents are like, what are you doing here?
Get out of here.
Like, you don't like, and then they call their parents, you know, your daughter is here.
You know, your son, right?
Whatever it is.
Oh my God, I called the cops.
Yes, exactly.
But there's a large amount of people that report these things like that.
And then when they come home, they never bothered to call back.
They say like, hey, they came home.
So you still have this open investigation.
So I get assigned to this unit and they go, look, you have like 100 open cases of
which probably 99 have all been returned.
You just got to make contact with these people because they never bothered to
call back to make sure.
So, you know, I'm going through this list and so mundane.
Oh, tell me about it.
I'm going through this list and I get down to this one case.
It was a couple of years old and no one's been able to reach anybody, right?
They move, change the phone number, whatever it is, right?
But it's a permanently open case until you say recovered, found, solved, whatever it is.
So I'd get a little creative and I figure out that the reporting parent who is dad,
in this case, had co-signed for a car for somebody like a year prior with like a
had like a newer address on it.
I was like, oh, all right.
Okay.
We have a clue, right?
Okay, let me go figure this out.
So I drive out to the house and so I don't even know if it's the right person, right?
I don't know if it's the person that they co-signed for or is it dad's house?
You're just knocking on a door?
I'm just knocking on a door like, hi, please.
We're looking for so-and-so, right?
So I go up, I knock on the door and I don't see the car in the driveway that I found.
There's a couple of other cars on this car.
So I'm like, this happens pretty often.
Like they're renting a room or something, right?
There's all kinds of different things.
So I go up, I knock on the door.
I go, hey, Mr. Smith here.
And she's like, no, but what do you, like I'm sitting there in uniform, right?
And they're like, I'm confused, right?
Like, I'm his wife.
I go, oh, okay, cool, great.
Is he missing?
And I'm like, all right, well, I'm here investigating this missing person case of so-and-so, which
I would probably presume would maybe be your daughter, your stepdaughter.
And she's like, oh, yeah, no, that's my stepdaughter.
I go, okay, fair enough.
I go, well, she was reported missing like two and a half, three years ago and we haven't
been able to get ahold of Mr. Smith now.
So I'm just trying to confirm, is she back?
What's going on?
She goes, oh, yeah, no, she was here like last week, you know, because now she's like
19 or 20 years.
She's an adult by this point, right?
I go, but in order for me to clear this case, I got to talk to your husband.
Where's your husband at?
Oh, well, he's at work right now.
Okay, perfect.
Where does he work?
Oh, he's right around the corner, maybe 10 minutes away.
Perfect.
Not a problem.
I go, no one's in trouble.
I just, I'm detective.
I got to clear this up.
She's like, oh, no, I totally understand.
Thank you so much, right?
I go, okay, well, I'm going to head over there.
I go, I'll head over to his talk to your husband real quick and we're all good.
She's like, okay, great, fine.
So I get in the police car, I drive over 10 minutes over to go walk in.
Now remember the name that he co-signed on this car for is not his wife's name.
Oh no.
And I had asked her, I go, well, who's so and so?
Oh, that's my husband's coworker.
She's a family friend of ours and she was trying to get a car and she had some issues
and so we co-signed.
So I was like, I was trying to piece all this together.
I was like, all right, fine.
Well, I'm like, huh, okay.
So I drive over to his work and go, hey, Mr. Smith here.
No, he's not, he's not in today.
He took the day off.
Eek.
Do you ask where the woman is?
So that's my next question.
You remember, wife said she was a coworker, family friend coworker.
Right, right.
I go, okay.
Next question is Ms. so and so here.
I know she's off today.
Oh no, she hasn't worked here for about a year.
Fair enough.
Okay.
Hey, thank you so much.
Is anything wrong?
I go, no, no, no, nothing's wrong.
He's a reporting person in a case.
I'm just trying to follow up there.
He's just a witness.
Did you ask for his contact info in any of this?
The employer won't usually give that up.
I guess you have like a warrant or something else like that.
Sometimes you can ask, but usually HR gets a little weird.
Did the wife?
I didn't ask the wife at the time because I'm thinking, oh, just he's at work, right?
Yeah.
And you got to talk to him anyways.
Yeah.
I got to talk to many of them to make sure it's who I'm, I got to check his ID and stuff,
make sure he's who says this.
Right.
So I was like, can you go back to the wife and be like, hey, he's not at work.
He took the day off.
What do you think I did?
So now I'm like, something's off.
So now like the plot thickens, right?
So I get back and police car go driving back over to the house.
When I drive back to the house, I pull up and now there's a new car in the driveway,
which is this bright fire engine red Chevy Avalanche.
I will never forget this.
Ew, that's ugly.
As bright big chrome rims.
I mean, it says flashy and gaudy as you can imagine.
And I was like, well, that's interesting.
So I get out of the car, come on the front.
Here comes Mr. Smith.
Now Mr. Smith looks like he's out of a Spanish soap opera.
He's got the big seventies hair.
His shirt has only about one button, which is like somewhere right around his navel.
Right.
And it's like iron pressed open sideways, right?
Gold change.
You got the Mr. T starter kit around his neck.
And this guy looks like he came fresh out of a Spanish soap opera.
100%.
Right.
He's on the cover.
It's like him and like Fabio is on the cover of like, and he comes hustling out of the house
and he's like this slow run.
Oh, my friend, amigo.
And he's yelling to me across the front yard.
That is not what I was into.
And I was like, okay.
And comes like, yo, oh, my friend, seniority grabs me and comes over and goes, oh, I'd
love to talk to you.
I go, I really want to talk to you too.
Can I see you right here first to make sure I'm here.
I like what I'm talking about.
So he's like, yeah, that's Mr. Smith, right?
Okay, sir.
Okay.
Hey, I got a question for you.
Right.
So is so-and-so your daughter?
Yes.
Okay.
Is she back yet?
Oh, yes.
It gives me a whole story.
She ran away.
She came back the next day.
I'm sorry.
I forgot that.
I go, but I got to ask.
I just went to, he's like, can we talk about that?
And I go, what's up?
He goes, so you talked to my wife earlier?
I go, yeah, about 20 minutes ago.
He goes, yeah, my work called me saying that you had come looking for me.
Yeah, sure did.
So, you'll let me guess, like my second day of the job here, but is it fair to say you
were at Ms. So-and-So's house whom you co-signed for the car for that no longer works with
you that you took a day off for?
So your wife thinks you're at work, but you're really actually at her house.
And he's like, let's not tell my wife that.
I'm sorry.
He's like getting in real close.
Like, my friend.
Yeah.
Like, like in my ear.
Like, my friend.
Oh my God.
And I was like, yep.
And with like the very strong smell of like really cheap cologne.
Gross.
You had to cover up that perfume.
Yeah.
Oh man.
It's like generic brute, like the really, really great.
For sure.
And I go, you're the reporting party.
I have no reason to talk to anyone else.
My case is clear.
You enjoy the rest of your day.
Oh my God.
Oh my friend.
I was like, ah, and he tries to hug me and I'm like, no, no, absolutely not.
Nope.
That's just fist bump.
Have a great day.
Have a lovely day.
So you enjoy the rest of your good luck to you.
I'm going to go ahead and close that case.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I got back in my car and could not get out of there fast enough.
Yeah.
But you are forever on his Christmas list.
Oh, for sure.
People.
Not the least it's surprised, but it's still funny.
Yep.
So to this day, I have a follow up question though.
With the description of the shirt and the gold chains, did he have bell bottoms too?
Kind of.
He had like the modern version.
So it was like these black, like polyester pants, right?
And he had like the man boots on.
You know, I mean like the man dress boots.
With a little, it was like a boot cut.
I wouldn't call it a bell bottom.
It's more like a boot cut.
Okay.
But yeah, he had that going on.
He had this bright red silk shirt with like the intricate like gold patterns in their
like shirts.
God, hilarious.
And he matched, he was just as flashy as his truck was.
Did you ever actually find somebody who was indeed missing or mostly just chasing doing
paperwork?
Yeah.
Like I said, 95% were just chasing paperwork.
There was a number of them that we actually found.
She was 15 or 16 or something like that.
And same thing like I meant it out.
I want to date who I am.
Mom's like, mm, mm, mm.
Right.
So in a long story short, she absconded to Pennsylvania from California.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Very crafty.
Did the old Greyhound bus truck.
Yeah.
And so she'd been missing for probably maybe two or three days before mom because mom had
kind of had some contact with along the way.
But mom thought she was like at a friend's house here.
Like was just being like, I'm not coming home.
Not making calls.
She didn't fully.
From the Greyhound bus on the way to Pennsylvania.
She didn't fully think that she had legitimately absconded or ran away.
Right.
And this was in the early era of cell phones.
So we could like ping and track the GPS.
But it wasn't like a smartphone.
So there's like in that early kind of like advanced flip phone kind of phase.
So after like two or three days of her refusing to come home, she finally called us, obviously
go take the report, comes across.
So now we're maybe four days deep into this thing.
And so I've talked to mom.
We ended up doing a search warrant on the cell phone to figure out where this thing is pinging
from like roughly where is it.
And guess how like today where it's like you're within 10 feet, this was like within like
30 miles.
Yeah.
Thing pings to Pennsylvania.
And I'm like, did you blow it and reboot it again?
Yeah.
Is this thing on?
Hello?
Like is this thing working?
I go, okay.
Who's she been talking to?
So we pieced together that there's this boyfriend character that is back in Pennsylvania.
Who is 18 or 19 or something?
Well, in California, that's a big no-no, right?
Yeah.
You can't be like 18 is like the cutoff point, right?
Like 18 and above is fine, but you can't go like below and above that line.
So we figure out, we figure out where the guy, where she is, where the guy's house.
We kind of have an address.
So we pieced this whole thing together.
How did these two individuals meet?
Internet.
How else?
Was I right?
AOL, AIM.
Thank you.
I was hoping.
That was really hoping.
You have mail.
Yes.
ASL?
So I call the police department back there.
I'm like, hey, we got this missing runaway.
She's at this location, right?
Here's what's going on.
They're like, okay, no problem.
So they go out there and they swoop her up, right?
And so the officer calls me from there.
I go, okay, what's going on?
Okay, yeah, hey, here's what's going on.
We found her.
Everything's fine.
She's safe.
You know, so we're talking, okay, hey, I go, can you do me a favor and ask me these
series of questions, right?
So they're like contact, engagement, sexual contact, all these types of things.
These in my head, I'm like, okay, if she's back there, like naughty things are going
on and that's a crime out here.
So as I'm talking to him, he's like, uh, what do you want me to ask you that?
I go, well, trying to figure out if we have a crime.
She's like, what are you talking about?
I'm like, what are you talking about?
He's like, hey bro, say Pennsylvania, you just have to be within two years of the person
you're with after the age of like 14.
I was like, what?
He goes, yeah, you can have like 14, 16, 15, 17, 16, 18.
He's like, it's all good.
As long as you're within two years of each other from the age of 14, it's all fine.
I was like, oh, kiddo, kid, not out.
He goes, well, what is it in California?
I go, well, it's 18 or over and that's the hard cutoff point.
And he's like, really?
I go, yeah.
He goes, well, lucky for you, you have no crime out here.
Wow.
And I was like, I'm going to keep that from mom.
I'm not going to tell her that.
But does it matter state of residence versus state of state of crime?
It's where the crime occurred.
Technically, because you're in Pennsylvania, no crime occurred because you're within two
years of each other.
I watch a lot of cop shows.
I don't know if you can tell.
I watch, I know.
I went, I took a class in law.
I took law 101 just so you know.
So I heard that all the time.
I'm becoming an attorney.
I took law and I know my rights.
Oh, God.
I was a criminal justice major.
I'm at junior college and I have my AA.
For your information, I'm a Yelp elite, so you need to treat me amazing.
Yep.
I'm like kind of a big deal.
Yeah.
Wait, can I ask a question?
You may.
Just because this came up and I've always wanted to know this because I talked to police officers.
A lot at work.
Why do they always ask me my location if they know where I am?
It drives me nuts.
You mean like when you call, like where are you?
Yeah, like this happens at work, but also like I was on the phone.
I was on my cell phone and I have all the locations, everything turned on.
I was reporting a drunk driver that nearly hit me and then nearly hit like six other
people on the highway.
With dispatch?
Yeah.
Like 911.
And they're asking where are you?
And I was like, can't you see me?
And they're like, no, where are you?
We are not that sophisticated.
Funny enough that when you call 911, depending on your phone, your carrier, there's some
dynamics that happen here currently will route you to the city that you're in usually.
So it used to be back in the, you call 911 from your cell phone, you're getting California
Highway Patrol if you're in California.
Period in the story.
And they would ask you, where are you?
And you're like, I'm in Riverside, I'm in San Bernardino.
And then they like hold police.
And then they would transfer you to usually the CHP office that would cover that area
because they're assuming you're on the freeway.
And you're like, I'm at this intersection, that section, the CHP is like, oh, tag, not
it, not our problem.
Then they would transfer you to like the sheriff's department, right?
So it's this master cluster of like trying to get you to like help.
Currently in California, when you call the GPS, you're going to get you to the area
in which you're in.
So if it's like Riverside Police Department or sometimes the county sheriff, depending
where you're at, but they don't know exactly where you are.
So the idea is like, if you call 911 and it's called 911 Open Line, you call 911, you don't
say anything, but from your cell phone, it comes across as the dispatch call is 911 Open
Line from a cell phone in the area of main and first.
But how come like, if I order an Uber, they know exactly where I am.
Because different, different service, different service, different, different privacy, different
authorizations, different, one makes money, one spends money.
Yes.
And it comes down to.
Yep.
And so they will always ask for your most current location to figure out where you are because
they know you're within a thousand feet of the tower at main and first street, but they
don't know what corner you're on, whatever you're on.
So it's obviously show up to this 911 call in the area of main and first.
It could be an apartment.
It could be in a hotel.
It could be in a house.
It could be in the subway and the ground.
It could be, it could be anywhere.
So you're just kind of like looking around, like, it's anyone look like it.
Like you're driving like listening at the car window, like, you hear anyone like yelling
or screaming.
So what do they do if someone gets kidnapped?
That's a little bit slightly more sophisticated.
Well now we can't see that necessarily.
So there's a legal process that you have to call the cell phone carrier.
So, hey, this is what we're working on, right?
We're kind of kidnapping, we're going to whatever.
We didn't have to get what's called an emergency authorization that we have to then later have
to follow up with a search warrant.
So you say, hey, Miss B's been kidnapped.
We're trying, this is your phone number.
Trying to figure out where she's at.
If I don't have a family friend of yours that has like share my location or something that
shows more real time, I have to call the carrier.
The carrier then has to give me that authorization.
I then have to use their software and I have to promise cross my heart, up to the eye,
stick a needle in my eye, then I'm going to give a search warrant.
And even still, that's a bit of a delayed response as opposed to just going on an iPhone
and looking at it.
So if I get kidnapped, you're calling Liz to find out where I am?
Pretty much.
Oh my God.
Just make sure I'm in your emergency contact.
Yeah.
So it does work, but it's a much longer process than like going to like find my friend or
like, well.
Clarifying question.
I think it's been brought to my attention recently because I am a frequent attendee and our
safety meetings.
You can nerd.
Sorry, I nerd out on it.
I swear.
You can text 911.
Yes.
That is a.
Oh, I know that.
Recent legislation.
So like, can you send your location, like current location to 911 via text?
Depends on the agency.
So the text to 911, you got to think we're the government.
So let's start there.
It's not an iPhone.
It's coming on and you're on this IBM.
It's an IBM 486 PC Pentium processor that's with the big screen with just the green.
It's not an iMessage.
Oh, this is not a TRS80.
Yeah.
That radio check is a Tandy, right?
It will come through as a text into like the texting portal for lack of better terms,
but it's not like on your Apple where you pull up iMessaging.
Like similar to AIM?
So it's not the same.
Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
But still you get no motor cons.
Please don't answer.
Okay.
Yeah, it's very rudimentary.
Like you can text the 911, but you're getting text only.
You're not getting a lot.
Some agencies do have the ability to accept video phone or pictures and stuff.
But universally, everyone can accept the text message because the idea is that if you can't
call, you can't talk, that you can text for help.
Exactly.
Yeah.
That's the sort of ask you where you are.
Where are you?
Well, I'm going somewhere.
Well, where is that?
Right?
Like, dude, this is literally the conversation.
I'm like, uh, I'm on the 60 and I passed and I said the thing I passed and they're like,
are you going east or west?
I'm like, I don't know.
Look at my location.
Yep.
If you don't know which way you're going, you give them the next two or three like
exits in the way that you're traveling.
And they can figure out which way you're going.
Cause I'm still going to use that area and I don't know which is east and which is west.
Are you going up or down on the street?
I'm going to Riverside.
I didn't bring my compass.
I don't know.
It's probably telling you the direction on your dashboard.
It's possible.
And then, ultimately, I nearly got hit by a drunk driver who was swarming all over
the road and I swerved to get out of the way and then they almost hit three of the people.
So I was panicked.
My adrenaline was going.
Okay.
So the problem with all of this is that you watch too much SVU.
Yeah.
I do.
Or.
Because in the police shows, that's the only way that you get DNA back within two hours.
Yeah.
You know, cell phones are automatically tracked within three feet.
I was also thinking of, uh, 911.
Do you watch this show?
Like Reno 911?
No.
911.
Do you know that show?
No, I know what you're talking about.
So they'll be like on dispatch.
911, what's your emergency?
Oh, yeah.
I'm getting attacked by my mom.
Let me just ping your location really quick and they're like, then they call the cops
and tell them exactly where they're at.
That's not how it works.
And they're there like 18 seconds.
That's literally not how it works.
No.
So you have fun, factory listeners.
You can text 911.
Maybe send them your coordinates and send them your current location via your iPhone.
So check your local state.
Oh yeah, that's true.
We have listeners everywhere.
Check your local listings.
Yeah.
Check your local listings.
Uh, most of all.
Well, if anyone hasn't figured it out, we're in California.
Yep.
And this state has it.
Sorry, all good stuff.
I've literally been dying to know that.
So thank you.
Yeah.
Inquiring minds want to know.
So on that note, let's wrap this episode up.
Liz, take us home.
Well, thank you so much for listening to another fantastic episode of Tales from the Service
Industry.
Thank you, Bill.
You're welcome.
Thanks for joining us.
Thank you, Miss B, as always.
Pleasure to be here.
And thank you, Andy, for joining us again.
So lovely to be back.
It was fantastic to have you.
So thank you guys for listening and we will see you again in a couple of weeks.