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Hey fam, you are listening to your girl Teresa and this is Ride or Die from Teens to Prosecco
Queens.
As you may have heard in the previous interlude, your queens are coming at you in a whole different
format.
If you didn't, then what are you waiting for?
Go listen.
We'll wait.
Haha, just kidding.
But don't forget to listen to our earlier episodes so you can be all caught up and ready
to go.
My guest host for today is someone who is definitely stepping out of her comfort zone.
So everybody say hello to Diane, who is my cousin-in-law and a badass queen herself.
Dee, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Hey everybody.
So yeah, I'm Diane, also known as Dee.
Yeah, like Teresa said, I am her cousin-in-law, more like a legit family at this point.
I am married.
I am 43 with two kids.
And I'm here trying to see how this goes because it's my first time doing anything like this.
So I'm very excited.
And I'm excited too because I think that what we're going to discuss is something we've
discussed many times before.
And we've realized that we have a lot more in common in this particular situation than
others.
Very good.
What's funny, just to kind of play off what Dee said, I remember when the first time I
met you and it was your brother's, one of his birthdays.
And I remember my husband said to me, he was a little worried.
He was like, Dee, it can be a little hard.
I was like, do you not know me at all?
I can be.
I am the oldest of the girl cousins in the family.
And I just want to make sure that everybody's okay.
So I see why that was said.
Yeah, they were, and I was like, I am not worried.
I was like, I'm me and we hit it off.
And to this day, my husband is still shocked.
He's like, man, Dee really took you.
I said, because I don't play around.
And I don't either.
I think that's why we hit it off.
Exactly.
So I am thrilled to have you here.
Thank you.
I'm happy to be here.
I'm very excited.
I'm so glad because to kick off this new series that I'm kind of working on, again,
to just enlighten and to heighten Queen Voices and different and different areas where we
can help each other.
And I think that's really important.
And I've said that many times before to be able to express ourselves because we know
that there's not many platforms to do that.
There's not.
And I feel that sometimes also what we're going to talk about is, for example, today,
sometimes we feel like we can't talk about stuff like that.
And I think we should.
Exactly.
So we're going to have a disclaimer, a regular disclaimer at the beginning, but I'm going
to put a disclaimer right now.
If you can't handle it, you don't have to listen.
You know, we are open to speaking our truth.
And unfortunately for us culturally, that can be an issue.
Familiar can be an issue with that, right?
Yes.
I feel like definitely some of the things that are going to get said are going to go not
good.
Maybe not good.
But I think it's necessary to talk about these things.
So I'm willing to take it.
Yeah.
And it's like, you know, at this point, no secrets need to be said, but we're going to
talk about how things have impacted our lives.
So basically what Diane and I are discussing today is intergenerational slash generational
trauma and how it affects all of our relationships, specifically romantic ones, but also familial
ones, the way we raise our kids, and trying to break those traumatic barriers so we don't
make the same mistakes with our children, right?
You know, one thing we've said is being Hispanic women in our 40s, we've had so many experiences
in our lives that are very parallel and others that aren't when it comes to passing trauma
through the generations.
And a lot of that too, I think, is because we're from different cultures with different
dynamic relationships, right?
Because I'm Puerto Rican and you're...
I'm Guatemalan.
Yeah.
I know I could have said that, but it was like...
No, it's all right.
So yeah, it's definitely...
Even though we are Hispanic women, we were raised completely different.
That's right.
And I feel that to this day, we're still in that mindset that we were raised a certain
way, and that that's how we still have to be even to this day in our 40s.
Exactly.
And I think that the fact that, again, we'll get more into this is the degree of generation
difference, right?
So for example, we'll talk about first generation versus third generation, which is me.
It makes a huge difference in the way we're raised and the way our families expect us
to behave.
Yes.
To this day.
To this day, in our relationships.
And now expect our kids to be...
Right.
And we're not raised to realize that it's toxic behavior.
No, absolutely not.
We're raised to accept it.
Or be quiet of it.
Be quiet of it.
Yeah.
Which is not good.
That's the huge one, is to be quiet of it.
Just accept it and don't say anything or whisper or just keep it in.
Exactly.
And it's like, and God forbid you tried to get help for it, right?
Like all of a sudden you're wrong too.
And that's the big traumas that goes on.
It's either you have to be very hush-hush, you have to accept it, you have to move on
because what else are you supposed to do?
Yeah, because the minute you say something's going on with me and you want help, you're
looked at like nothing's wrong with you.
That's right.
Just go on and you'll be fine.
But you're asking for help.
Yeah.
And you get brought down even more than you already might feel and that's not right.
And then you don't get the support that you need.
Correct.
And people who don't get the support, you just fall down a rabbit hole.
And we know that that's something that specifically these days with mental health is so taboo in
colored culture.
And we know for a fact that that generational trauma is embedded in us to the point that
we believe these things as well.
So I think what we should start doing is explaining exactly what generational slash intergenerational
trauma actually is if you want to take that away.
Okay.
So generational trauma, I for one did not know at all what this is.
Teresa actually pointed it out to me.
So it is um, transference of traumatic experiences or stressors from one generation to the next.
One of the many types it can happen through direct experiencing, uh, witnessing violence
or living in an environment where violence is constant threat.
So again, I didn't know about this.
Uh, Teresa, let me know and it blows my mind that this is actual thing because I guess
again being Hispanic women, you don't know these words or these, these terms.
So I'm a little shocked right now that this exists.
And it just a little background there.
It turned part of the reason that I decided this would be a good topic for, for D and myself
is because of conversations we've had recently about our own, about our own experiences in
our own lives.
And we've come up with that with the parallels that we've had.
It's not something we ever talked about because I don't know that we didn't think that we
could.
It just never came up.
Right.
I think we just, maybe we didn't feel comfortable talking to each other about it.
Um, but once, you know, once you know that somebody is going through something, I think
you have to forget the labels that are put on us, especially as Hispanic women.
And we have to be able to say, talk to me.
I'm here for you and let me know what's going on.
And then that's when we realized how much more in common we have than we actually know.
Agreed.
And one of the things that I learned, and this just came out as a study kind of recently
that it was confirmed.
And I've mentioned before of some severe trauma I've had, I had last year and I'm doing my
part in healing from it and working through it, but it's still a day to day basis, right?
Like everything is day to day basis.
And I used to say that it changed me on a cellular level, the trauma, the PCSD of it,
um, of addiction and not my own addiction.
Let's make that clear.
But you know, partner addiction and partner betrayal.
That's at this point, probably the most I'll say is partner betrayal.
And when you have that happen to you, you feel like you die.
You really feel like you die.
And I used to say that I felt it changed me on a cellular level and people would look
at me like I was crazy.
And no, I feel it changed me as a person and not just a person like mentally a person.
It actually changed me physically.
And it was proven that it literally generational trauma, any kind of trauma changes your DNA.
Yeah, it's passed down through DNA.
DNA family members, that's crazy.
It's crazy.
Yeah.
And you know, they talk about it through slavery and stuff like that.
Slavery was a huge one.
Right.
That that trauma from that has passed a generation on top of the fact that it continues.
Yes.
Right.
That it's never gotten better other than that being abolished.
It's never actually gotten better.
It's in their DNA.
Yes.
It's mind blowing.
Completely mind blowing.
You know, and we can't necessarily speak for obviously for the African American community,
but we can speak for the Latino community in the sense that again, we come from two different
areas of the world our family comes from.
There's like what, 30 Hispanic countries or something?
Yeah.
I'm exaggerating.
I don't really remember.
No, probably.
Yeah.
I don't know what I guess.
Yeah.
We'll just say 30.
30.
Yeah.
Somebody may not correct me, but realistically, I think about how from us being raised again,
separated, but having still those core beliefs that are drilled into us.
Yes.
From generations of abuse and honestly, women's abuse.
That's the biggest thing I think in the Hispanic community that is not talked about is how
much women are abused in a relationship and it's just okay.
It's not okay.
Never okay.
I saw it growing up and it does like Teresa says.
It changes you as a person.
I was younger when I first saw it.
Maybe I didn't understand what was happening, but I did see it and it does change you.
It makes you think differently on what you want for your life.
Right.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
You know, and I think it goes that, I think it's a catch 22.
We can go either way because we were saying in that sense that there's some people kind
of like abusers, right?
Some are abused as some kids are abused as a child.
Could be sexually, emotionally, whatever, and they don't grow up to be abusers.
They go up to the opposite, but then you have some that grow up to be to abuse just as much.
Yes.
And I think that's that.
It's that.
It's that weird economy there.
Right.
It's that weird.
Oh yeah.
I saw this in my life.
This is all I know.
So this is how I'm going to be.
That seems to be my situation, right?
In the sense and is that, you know, there's that toxicity that so many men, Hispanic men
are raised with and they pass that on to other generations.
And some, like we say in my sense, some of the men, some of the men in the family don't
go that way.
Right.
And others literally think that that's so normal that they do what I'm realizing it.
Right.
That goes to womanizing, drinking, alcohol, all those things.
And what is, what are we told to do?
And when I say we, and again, I'm going to use this loosely.
I'll let you chime in is because I was never told by my mother if a man is abusing you
stay with him or, you know what I mean?
Or it's okay.
Or it's, or that's, they're a man.
That's what they're supposed to do.
But see, I was told differently.
Exactly.
And I don't know if it's a cultural thing.
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
But when I was growing up, it was, oh, he hit me.
I did something.
Oh, he hit me.
It's okay.
Talk down to me.
He yelled at me.
Whatever the situation was, we were just supposed to turn around, walk away, go watch TV while
it was happening behind us and it was okay.
And where you were told that it's not okay.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
It's crazy.
And I think a lot of it too was the reason I was told it was not okay.
Cause I think we talked about the generation, the generation difference, right?
Cause I think I said, you know, do you think being first generation had an impact on your
experiences?
It did.
And I would see what was happening in my house.
I always had in my head ideas of I'm not going to let that happen to me.
I'm not going to become what he is and I'm not going to become what she is used to.
So I grew up in my head thinking that, and I have, thankfully never had an experience
where I said, oh, my mom went through that or my dad did that.
Never.
Because I never let it happen.
That part.
Because I think that's amazing.
Cause I think for me, again, being third generation on my father's side, my father's side and
like second or second or something on my mother's side, it had a huge impact because like, I
think I'd mentioned to you before my mother was very independent.
She was on her own.
She was raised by a woman who was very independent, but her grandmother, my great grandmother
is independent as she was, lived on her own, raised kids late in life, still expected my
mother to put my father's slippers down for him, make sure she cooks for him.
And my mother was like, excuse me, I work too.
I am going to, he should have my slippers down, right?
So it was always that pull, that push and pull of that generational mentality that doesn't
matter how independent you are, you are to be a servant toward your husband.
But see, even though what you're just saying right now, the whole independent that all
these women in your life have been independent in my, my family, it was always the husband
is the one that supports you.
You have to be there for him.
You have to do what he says.
So it made you feel like less of a person.
And you are not, you can't do stuff on your own and you can't be independent because that's
always what I've seen and heard that happened to my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother.
It was always that we're not independent.
We have to count on these men.
And I think, and when it comes, and that's so, God, that's so interesting.
And I think back to what I was saying about my mom when my goodness is that specifically
too, I think there was so much trauma in those households as well.
And it does exactly what you did.
That's why I think she went the complete opposite.
It was kind of like, you know what?
I've seen too many crappy relationships that I want to break this cycle.
However, then you have kids and there's other cycles with your children that you're not
breaking, right?
And so I think that is really, that again is a real interesting parallel.
It's like, okay, so my relationship, I'm not going to be in this shitty relationship,
but my children are getting this other part of me as well, getting the brunt of the generational
trauma.
You know, I've been very open before about that.
I feel like my parents should have been divorced when we were kids and they had that idea of
staying together, quote unquote, you know, you can't see me with the quote unquote for
the kids.
And I always said, I'm never going to do that.
I'm never going to do that because for the kids is not mean you should give up your entire
life.
However, we learned that there's a lot of things we will do for our kids, right?
Thinking that, you know, thinking that this other person you're with may not be reliable.
And now you're like, then I'm going to be stuck with the brunt of everything, right?
Because that's because women are.
Yeah, you get, God forbid you get divorced, you get the kids, you get everything that
comes along with separating, like all the responsibility because it's like, it's okay
for them and to go.
Yeah.
Why?
And it's acceptable for them to go and start their life over.
Yeah.
Whereas if we do it, we are bad and it's our fault and we should have taken better care
of him and it's not correct.
It shouldn't be that way.
Right.
At all, no matter what the situation was, family members, aside from who is in your
house should not get involved in what's going on.
Amen.
In your relationship, they shouldn't even have opinions.
I don't think.
I mean, I think what happens within your house should stay in your house.
Right.
And people just, I don't know, people just want to chime in another two cents and then
that's when problems get worse.
And, but when you separate or divorce, they're not there helping you.
So no, keep your mouth shut.
And I feel if you're not going to be a support, right?
If you want to come to me and say, listen, this is what I'm going through.
I was very, I've been very lucky that I've had a support system on my side after going
through the stuff that I've been going through last year because I've spent, I feel like
it's hundreds of hours in tears, right?
And I, and it feels like that if it may, may, may not have been, I don't, it could actually
probably thousands of hours at this point in the past year or so.
And not recently.
Thank God.
Good.
But I feel like if I didn't have, nobody's going to come to me and say, they may say,
okay, you okay, we see something's going on.
But if I don't feel like speaking about it, then I'm going to press it, right?
Correct.
But you never know what's going on in somebody's household.
Right.
Ever.
And we've again spoke about this, the fact that we were not taught to ever speak your
business.
Well, and this is the thing.
You're just saying that nobody's going to come to you and ask you.
The people that will ask you are probably your, like your family.
Yeah.
You know, your mom, your dad, your grandparents.
But if you want to be honest with them and tell them what's going on, then they're like,
well, no, you're fine.
Right.
It'll be fine.
So you can't count on them.
Yeah.
And you know, luckily I have people that I could talk to.
I'm hoping you have people that you could talk to.
And we found that we could talk to each other.
We could talk to each other, which has been great.
So again, it's unfortunate that we cannot talk to our immediate family because of the
whole cultural or how they were raised and they want us to think that we should live
our lives the way they did.
Yeah.
It's not right.
And the stigma.
Yes.
Holy crap.
The stigma behind it.
I have never dealt with more stigma in my life than I have.
And you know, I, and again, from my own family, sure, and from my own relationships, you
know, realistically, I've dealt with enough men with mental issues that I ever want to
in my entire life.
Like it's like enough emotional immaturity, right?
If I could do the work to improve myself, to come through any of my trauma through my
whole life, you know what I mean?
I think that the men need to do that too.
But I think the men don't because in our culture, the men are everything.
And enabled.
Yes.
And I think that that's the problem when you find somebody who is messed up, however they
want to be messed up, you're trying to help them be a better man.
Yes.
They don't want to be.
Why?
Because it's in their heads.
It's been engraved that they are a Hispanic man.
Right.
And you, if you're in a relationship, it's a 50-50.
That's right.
So you can't just say, oh, well, she'll handle it or whatever.
No, well, we're not going to work and I'll be okay.
I'll find somebody else.
Why?
Right.
Like why is that okay?
But that's why we've noticed, and I think, and this one is the part that gets me, I think
we've noticed that's why a lot of colored men choose to go with non-Hispanic women,
non-Black women, because we are not easy.
No, we're not easy.
We expect men to be men.
We expect men to yes, protect us and provide for us, but also be our partners, be mature,
take care of us, not cheat on us, not step out on us, right?
And they're raised that I'm going to do what the hell I want.
And it's like, and again, when I say there, I'm using a blanket term.
We know that not all men are raised this way.
We know there are stand-up men.
We know that there are amazing men out there.
So you know, to our kings, that's amazing and you keep doing what you need to do.
But in my experience, I haven't necessarily found that one yet.
That's going to say, listen, you know what I mean?
I want to protect you.
I've never been protected my entire life.
And that is trauma.
It is.
And that goes through generational because that starts from, like I was saying from when
you were a kid, right?
When you don't feel protected by your parents, not that my parents didn't love me the way
they could and you know, whatever.
And I didn't go without, I guess, you know, I didn't go without.
But when you learn that you can only raise yourself because you cannot count on the emotional
stability and security that you need, you go out and you search for those places.
That starts from when your parents are bringing through their trauma from other generations
that they learned.
And they're only raising you the best way you can.
Sorry, the best way they can.
And now you're going, okay, I'm 14.
I am trying to figure out who I am.
I am changing.
Boys are paying attention to me.
I'm going to do what I need to do to get that attention that I wasn't getting elsewhere.
Right.
Yeah, it's very true.
And that follows you.
Yes.
All those decisions follow you and you don't realize where it comes from.
No, until something smacks you in the face.
Yeah.
Like, you know, a bad relationship or a bad experience or God forbid, something even
more traumatic, you know, and it's unfortunate that it takes something so hard for you to
realize, oh, I just said I wasn't going to do this.
I'm in the situation.
Exactly.
So you're repeating what you said you weren't going to do.
Yep.
I don't know if it's, we let our guard down as women because we start feeling comfortable,
feeling protected, feeling okay, feeling like I can rely on this person.
And I can also change him.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Which we all, I think as women, we all have that in our heads because it's, I don't know
if it's like implemented in us.
Oh, it is.
Right?
So then we think that we can yet it doesn't happen.
My thought was always he loves me too much.
Okay.
He, he told me how much he loves me.
He told me he's going to protect me.
He's going to protect my heart knowing how I had been trampled on before.
And that causes a trauma bond.
Yeah, it does.
He's got trauma from his childhood, from other relationships.
And now we are both in this place where we think that we finally can be vulnerable, right?
Causing this trauma bond.
And then what happens, and I think I had, and I definitely had said to you as well,
is that a lot of that trauma bond then stems from I'm addicted to you now.
And now that I'm with you, I'm terrified of what you can do to me.
And I'm also terrified of you leaving me.
But then what are you supposed to do?
Not have relationships?
Right.
That's exactly the problem.
Because these are the, these are your feelings.
Yeah.
You're supposed.
And I think, again, this is where we try to break this, this trauma, this, everything
that's put into our heads.
For example, for me, I try to not, I'm trying not to have my kids grow up the same way I
did.
Amen.
I'm trying to let them be who they want to be.
Whatever that is.
Right.
I'm trying to let my daughter see that you can have a relationship, talk to somebody,
make sure you're okay.
I always tell her, you have to be okay.
She's 14.
I'm sorry, she's 16.
Wow.
I just got a question right there.
She's 16, but I'm always trying to tell her, you are a female, a woman.
They're women.
They're young women.
Yeah.
You are a woman before you're going to be anything else.
And you always have to remember that because you don't want to forget that that's who you
are first.
And then you come in as a spouse, as a mother.
What happens to you?
You have to take care of yourself first.
And I think that's another thing that growing up, they teach us not to do.
That's right.
Oh, you're married.
Okay.
Well, you're supposed to be home.
Your mother, okay, well, where are your kids?
Yeah.
Okay.
I understand that.
But what does that mean as a woman?
You lose yourself.
You do.
Easily.
Easily you lose yourself.
But then again, and you want to, and sometimes you lose yourself while you're trying to be
in a relationship.
Oh my gosh.
Yes.
And then you start going backwards when you said you weren't going to.
Yeah.
You're going to get lost when all the problems start, I think.
Yeah.
Very easily.
Yes.
Very easily.
And I guess sometimes you don't realize how much you lose yourself.
No.
By any means.
It happens so incrementally that it's like one day you're like, who the hell am I?
And I think part of that, oh my gosh, that's so crazy to say that because I remember being
so as vulnerable as I was as much as I had been hurt.
I was finding myself a decade ago.
After my first divorce and before my husband.
And it's not that y'all don't know who my husband is and she knows who my husband is.
I'm just not going to shout out names.
But just for his protection.
But when I think about that, I say, at the time, and again, I never hid who I was.
I was very secure in who I was.
I'm like, and what I will accept, that's the part that gets me still.
I told you who I was.
I told you what I was going to accept and what I was not going to accept.
What I had been through was traumatic enough.
I spent two decades of my life, three decades of my life in pure survivor mode.
I went from my mother's house when I was in eggshells, I was walking around to a man's
house.
And I say a man's house, but it was our house together.
But living with the man where the anxiety and depression and the pills and the suicide
attempts were so rampant that I was constantly walking on eggshells that I turned into a
person I didn't recognize.
And I could have ended up on an episode of SNAP.
I always say that I could have seen myself literally saying, oh, yeah, you know, after
I put the pillow over his face, you know, oh, was the pills he took.
And that scared the crap out of me.
Because that's not who I am.
And I never thought I'd get to a point in my life.
And that's when I was like, I'm done.
I can't do this.
And don't get me wrong, there was couples therapy.
I tried for years and years and years.
I said, I chose, even though I felt I had to marry this man, we'd been together many
years.
We had a daughter together.
I don't remember on my wedding day.
I don't know if I told you this, but I remember on my wedding day, I was 25.
And I thought to myself, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get divorced.
Oh, I didn't know that.
No.
Who thinks that?
Okay, but I think that.
I think I told you this.
I never wanted to get married.
I personally, to this day, do not believe in marriage.
Maybe because of the trauma that I had.
Because of everything that happened in my house with my parents, I didn't want that
for me.
So I did not want to get married and my husband knows this.
So I ended up marrying him mostly to satisfy my mom because again, the Hispanic Guatemalan
woman in her was, you know, I had to leave my house wearing the white dress.
Wow.
Married.
I could not just move in with him.
Oh yeah.
Which is what I wanted to do.
Yeah, she was going to say, you're doing this the right way.
What I perceive is, perceive, perceive, perceive.
Thank you.
Perceive.
Perceive as the right way.
Oh my goodness.
That's what happens when you hit a survey, apparently.
It was, you have to get married.
You can't just move in with him.
What are people going to say?
I don't care.
So you lose yourself because I honestly did.
You were giving yourself away.
Yes.
And I literally did.
Yes, you did.
Because I felt like that when I got married, it was all her.
It was the planning from the beginning to the ceremony.
Everything was my mom's vision, not mine.
And I mean, I love my husband.
Don't get me wrong.
But if it was up to me, I would have just moved in with him.
Yeah.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
And somebody before you marry them is literally ideal.
Yes.
You know, you say you should test drive the car before you buy it.
Right.
I mean, granted, I don't know if you know this.
I got, my husband met him and got married in a span of nine months.
I did not know that.
Yes.
Wow.
It was that quick.
But again, at that point at our nine month dating anniversary, we were talking about moving
in together.
Which is normal at that point.
Right.
But as you know, my mom, there was no way that was happening in my house.
So the only option was, I didn't actually, I didn't have an option.
Either you get married or you don't move in with him.
So at that point, I had to.
Right.
I had no choice from my happiness.
Yeah.
And then I did.
I lost myself.
I completely lost myself.
Isn't it crazy though, knowing how old you were as a full grown adult?
Yeah.
I was 22, I think.
Yeah.
You could have said, no.
I could have.
Isn't that crazy when you think back?
You could have been like, no.
If I'm going to do, I'm going to do what I want to do.
If I, if I were who I am now, back then.
That's right.
Number one, I would have gotten slapped in the face.
Oh, no.
For saying no.
Probably fast.
But I wish I had the courage that I have now to have said no.
Or, okay, fine, but let me have it my way.
Yeah.
But no, I'm telling you, to the wedding dress, to the cake, to the food, everything was her
idea.
Wow.
Not mine.
So you've never even had a wedding to your husband that was you?
No.
My wedding dress was my mom, the wedding cake, the colors, everything was my mom's idea.
Wow.
It wasn't like, what do you think?
Um, no, I didn't get that option.
Oh my goodness.
Wow.
So, and again, I lost myself and all of that.
But if I could go back and take me right now to 20 years ago, oh my God, I would just
move in.
But this day I still wouldn't move in.
And that's what I was going to ask you, would you have done something different?
For sure.
I know I would have.
If I would have had the courage, like I said, I would have done, okay, maybe I would have
gotten married and have it my way or maybe not.
Maybe I just would have said, hey, let's move in.
What's wrong with just moving in?
Right.
Because people talk, let them talk.
Let them talk.
They're not in my house.
That's right.
They're not paying my bills.
They're not there when I'm going to need somebody.
So I don't care what people think.
But in the culture that we grew up in, it's what are the people going to think?
Right?
And even now, I can't talk about what's going on in my house because what are people going
to think?
Yeah.
And you know, I've been very resistant on going into detail.
And people closest to me know what's been going on in my house and that I am currently
separated because of my husband's actions.
And the worst part about that is not having the support, not from my family, not from
my blood side, unfortunately, because I have been told it was my fault.
Again, not from my side.
You know, even my therapist is like, there's no way in hell that's your fault.
Right?
I know that logically.
But when someone can look you in the face knowing this generational trauma, knowing that
this came from starting when this man is a child and stuff he saw, stuff he experienced
as he got older by himself too, not just stuff that went on in anybody's house, stuff that
he put himself in, situations he put himself in because of certain things that happened
as well and that he saw, the denial and the delusion that this is somebody else's fault.
It has to be your fault.
You brought this out of him.
But it would come to me too.
Right?
If my family, if I were to really tell them, hey, for the past 20 years, it hasn't been
perfect because I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been perfect.
Of course.
If you're out here saying that you have a perfect marriage, you need to wake up.
That's right.
It doesn't.
I'm sorry, but it doesn't happen.
So in the 20 years that I've been married, it hasn't been perfect.
We've had our, we're done.
You have to go and or I have to go and we'll figure it out.
But if I were to go to my family, it's my fault.
And that's what we're talking about exactly.
The same side.
Why?
No, but you're saying that it's not yours, your family.
No, no, not my family.
I'm talking about what's your fault.
I don't understand why there has to be a blame.
Oh God, yes.
I get it.
Whose fault it was.
Yeah.
Okay, fine.
But why do we need more on top of what we already have going on?
Right.
To be blamed.
Right.
To be blamed makes me crazy.
Because I always say, look, I have my faults.
I've never claimed to be perfect, but I have an issue where I just give all of me all the
time.
And from my first marriage, I guess I didn't learn my lesson when me and your cousin, my
husband got together.
It was like he literally helped heal my heart.
So you wonder how somebody who helped heal your heart could then crush it a million ways
worse.
And I always look back and I wonder, did I make the same mistakes?
Because I always said, the way my parents were and my grandparents, I never saw a healthy
relationship.
Right.
Oh my God.
I literally had about a year ago, my therapist say to me, did you ever have or see a healthy
relationship in your life?
And I was like, holy crap, no.
Okay, but is there a healthy relationship out there?
I mean, just like I was saying, no marriage is perfect.
Right.
It's work.
It is.
And both people have to want to make that work.
Right.
And just relationships in general.
If you're in a long-term relationship in general, right?
That is work.
And it's such, it's such a depressing notion to think that someone could look you in the
face and say, you know why he's messed up?
Because of you.
And it's like, hold up.
You would take that to your soul.
Yes.
And it's like, I was the support.
I was lover, best friend, wife, mother.
I mean, I can keep going down the list.
Right.
And when there was the shoulder to cry on, who did I have?
I didn't have some point on that side.
And the embarrassment too.
The shame that is put on us.
Yes.
And you would think, okay, instead of blaming you, why don't they take the responsibility
where it started?
Right.
Where it started.
Where it's been coming from.
Right.
No, it's just easier for them to, or I don't know if it's that they don't want to take
the blame or they don't want to really realize that it started with.
It's denial.
It is.
Yeah.
But again, I think it's that whole cultural thing that, oh, let's just turn around.
Yeah.
Let's not pretend it's really happening.
Right.
And I think, well, okay, this message has been, this message has been with you.
Exactly.
When it's like, you've seen these patterns.
You know these patterns, right?
Exactly.
And there's a reason that he ran for them from the first place.
And then I think about, again, my life when it comes to patterns.
I think, I say to myself, oh my goodness, I was told so many things when I was younger
and I said, I am never going to have that.
And I fell into it every single time.
And I always said, oh man, somebody can't be worse than the first one.
I don't think it's like you fall into it.
I think it's that because of the whole, the trauma that men have and they don't open up
about it.
That's right.
It's not, I personally don't think it's women's faults.
Oh, hell no, it's not.
Right.
But why are we going to blame them?
When it's, to me, it's on them.
Yeah.
Because again, they are men.
And they're told be men.
Yes.
They're told you can't speak about yourself.
Right.
Don't talk.
Don't express.
Don't confide in, don't nothing.
So then that's when, you know, you just said you fall into it.
I don't think it's we fall into it.
I think it's that they don't realize that they have something good that they can confide
in, talk to.
Right.
No, they refuse and they just want to keep everything in and just keep it going.
And keep it going.
Yeah.
I know, and I'm going to be talking to my sister actually about this in a few episodes
too, but one of the things we talked about, me and her have talked about is how you can
be raised in a household with other siblings and have completely different experiences.
Traumas completely different.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Each child is raised different.
And you're like, and so what happens is then their relationships end up different as well.
Yes.
Oh, God.
Yes.
And so much of what we learn is completely different and how we take it into our future
relationships is different.
And I think, you know, we were told also very young, don't, you know, when it was that whole,
why are you crying?
I'll give you something to cry about.
Shut up.
Yeah.
You have no reason to cry.
So what'd you learn to do?
Right.
Stamp down your feelings.
You're not allowed to show emotion.
And so the second you feel comfortable with enough with a man to show emotion, if they're
told their whole life not to show emotion or to man up or be a man or whatever it is,
now you look crazy.
Yes.
When it takes them to the point that now they've lost their damn minds because they
don't know how to react to a woman showing her feelings.
It's the woman's fault.
So see, you grew up with your sister.
Yeah.
Okay.
I grew up with two brothers.
Yes, you did.
So you could imagine how that goes and you just said it.
My brothers would, you know, whatever cry they got hurt or whatever.
It was always don't cry.
You're a man.
Toughen up.
I would cry and it's like, okay, what's wrong?
Let me help you and blah, blah, blah.
But for the guys, no, you're fine.
Get up.
And the other thing would be the boys would be on video games or whatever.
And it would be like, D, you have to learn how to cook.
I was just going to say it.
Because you're going to be married one day.
Yep.
Come and learn how to make tortillas because you're going to have to.
Yep.
Come and learn how to wash dishes because you're going to get married one day and you're going
to have to have to do it.
But the guys were playing video games.
Right.
I don't understand.
And that's a huge, and I think, oh my, and when you say that so much of that goes back
to me about first generation, first other generations.
Because my mom, yeah, she did the cooking and stuff.
My dad did some, you know, my dad did cooking and stuff too.
And the laundry and all that kind of stuff.
They did the stuff together and stuff.
My mom never said to me, like she was told to her, you got to do this for, because one
day you're going to be married.
It was, you need to learn this stuff.
You need to learn this stuff.
Right.
But even then my mom was very OCD.
So there was a lot of things that I didn't learn till I was out the house because I had
to learn it for myself.
Other than like laundry and cleaning and stuff.
But like cooking, I taught myself and stuff like that.
But realistically, I think that that's a huge difference in that as well because I told
my son, you know, and my son is six and a half.
And I tell him, you are going to learn.
I said, I know you see Natalie, my oldest daughter cooking and she does dishes and laundry
and cleaning.
And guess what?
He does his little chores.
And I say, just wait till you're older.
You're going to be cooking, cleaning, ironing, doing laundry.
You're going to be doing all that because guess what?
You may decide to be a husband one day and you are going to help your wife.
You are not going to be one of those men that is a kept man.
Listen, I said, I don't mind.
I'll be a kept woman.
I have no problem with it.
I want to have my own identity.
I've worked my ass off.
I'm still trying to work to find out who I am after all these years.
Now we're talking four decades for me of survivor mode that I didn't realize I was in until recently.
You know, and so it's like trying to find out who I am in the grand scheme of things.
Now being basically a single mom and having to have a teenager and a little little one,
you know, my spaghetti and my meatball, you know, I have to try to find ways to break
those curses.
And one thing we talked about was our teenage daughters.
When I decided to get married the second time, that was it for me.
I said, I'm not getting divorced.
I've done it so badly the first time I said I refused.
And that's why I don't want to get married the second time to my current husband.
I didn't.
We never talked about it.
We were living together.
We were raising kids.
We were happy and love apparently, apparently.
But then as soon as we got married, everything fell to the wayside.
And I believe a lot of that was because at this point now he saw what he was used to.
And so well, now she's married to me.
I'm going to go have my cake and eat it too.
Because she ain't going nowhere.
Why is it okay?
Oh, it's not okay.
But once you get married, it's okay.
Yeah.
And that's because I think that's exactly what he was used to.
And not even consciously.
Let's be realistic.
A lot of times these things happen for men and women.
We do things without even consciously realizing that we're saying things.
I have said back in the beginning of our relationship, I have said I am not going to repeat the same
patterns.
I am not going to accept less than anymore.
I expect that if my daughter is going to see another relationship, it is not going to be
abusive.
It is not going to be untrusting.
It is going to be a loving relationship because of everything she saw when she was younger.
And that was, I felt that was my fault.
You take that mom guilt.
And that didn't end up happening.
This ended up being worse.
Now I do still love my husband.
I still wonder sometimes, if and when anything will happen in the future.
But I can't focus now.
I can't focus on anything else but myself and my kids because there are traumas that
we for ourselves have to heal.
We can't heal other people.
Very true.
And I have spent so much time in my life trying to heal other people while I was still bleeding.
And we shouldn't have to be healing other people.
But that's a race to think that we should.
Right.
Yeah.
I get that.
But why?
That's a good question.
Because we're women.
Yeah.
We're women and nurturers.
I understand that.
But a man has to grab his balls and be like, I want to better myself for my family.
Oh, God, yes.
I need to stop the trauma for my family.
Right.
I need to become a better person.
But they don't.
They don't.
I don't know if it's because they rely on us, but they don't realize the damage that
they're doing to us.
I read somewhere that, probably a meme that said they know the damage they did.
They just don't care because they don't know how to care.
Not that they don't love us.
Right.
Not that they don't want us best for us.
Right.
But when I say they don't care, I mean that they feel, again, they being a universal term,
but it's not for everybody.
That's where are they going to go?
Yes.
Very true.
Because they're raised to believe I am man.
Yes.
I have everything to offer.
Yes.
And when that gets thrown up on its head, that's when they play around and decide to
do their own thing.
And that's what happened with us.
Yes.
Us.
And again, I'm not necessarily saying us.
I'm saying, you know, is the fact that everything I loved about you in the beginning became
the reason I resented you because you made me feel less then.
But I didn't make you feel less then.
I was always who I was.
You did not live up to the promises you made me.
And because of that, it makes you feel less then.
It does.
I mean, when it shouldn't.
When it shouldn't.
Right.
When it shouldn't.
Because not only are you already feeling horrible for what you're going through, and now you
want to, not consciously, but as I don't know, nurturing women that we are, we want
to say, oh, what did I do?
Did I do it?
Right.
Did I not do good enough?
Should I try it harder?
What else could I have done?
Why are we sitting here questioning ourselves?
Right.
It's because we're ingrained to.
Yes.
We're ingrained.
It's very true.
To question ourselves.
We are ingrained over generation from generation to say, what did I do to cause this?
And it takes a lot of work to realize not only can't you control somebody.
And again, when I say control, I don't mean I ever thought I could control somebody.
Yeah, exactly.
But you can't control the situation.
Right.
You can't control if someone's going to do something, they are going to do it.
Yeah.
Regardless of.
Regardless of the situation, regardless of how much you love them, support them.
You can love someone to death.
You could be kissing their feet and if they are going to do something, they're going to
do it.
Yeah, exactly.
You know, and a secure person wouldn't need to do those things.
But generationally from men, it doesn't even matter either.
No.
It's okay.
Right.
And it shouldn't be.
And it's like, well, why are you questioning him?
Yes.
Let him go do what he wants to do.
And as long as he comes home back to you, as long as your kids are taking care of your
bills are paid, who cares?
That is one of the biggest annoyances that I think I have in this, in our culture.
Yeah.
Is that it's okay for a man to do whatever and whoever he wants.
And whoever those facts.
Yeah.
If, oh, and he's the man.
And a man.
Amen.
Yet if I go and do it, I am everything under the sun.
Yeah, that's right.
Every single name possible.
That's right.
And I am to blame.
Yeah.
But you don't even know half of what's going on.
Right.
So how is it that we get judged, but they celebrate them.
Right.
And is that continuous enablement?
And see here's someone say to you, oh, I'm not defending his actions.
Yeah, you are.
Yeah.
Yeah, you are.
Yeah.
Because you're looking someone else in the face and literally saying he had nothing to
do with this.
He acted out because he was depressed and he was depressed because he was a woman that
wasn't nice enough to him.
Wasn't nice enough.
That's insane.
And I'm like, OK, could I have kissed feet more?
Right.
What was I what else was I supposed to do?
And this is where it starts again.
You start feeling it.
What was I supposed to do?
Right.
And it just keeps going.
And it took me a year of therapy to finally say, wow, it didn't matter what I did.
I think for me, again, being married 20 years, what made me open my eyes and again, it's
not perfect.
It's not up and it's up and down was the comment that I told you.
Jasmine said, yes, was she came up to me one day again, having a bad day.
And she said, mom, I do not want the relationship that you and dad had.
It gives me chills.
Having right now.
It gives me chills every time I think about it.
When you told me that, I told you, I still that stays in my head.
Oh, it's it's in my head.
And even though I mean that right there was an eye opener and it's like, OK, what are
we doing?
Yeah, obviously, I mean, kids are older.
I get it.
They pick up on things.
But for her to say that comment to me was like, she was that in the heart.
Yeah, it was worse than what I'm what I was going through.
Yeah.
In the marriage.
So then that's when I said, you know what, I'm not going to let this happen.
So again, trying to stop this trauma, trying to stop it from going to the next generation
is when I said, OK, I talked to the husband.
I'm like, what are we doing? Because obviously we're doing something wrong.
Yeah.
And for her to say that at 16 years old, that's an issue.
And that's such an eye opener.
Yeah, of course.
You know, we forget that our kids are little people because we were young.
We weren't taught.
We weren't respected or told to go to the room.
Yeah, we were not thought of or respected as people.
It was go away.
And I don't care what you feel.
And you don't know nothing.
You don't understand what you're feeling.
We are so part of what we're raised.
And again, this is straight through the generations.
It is so engulfing this generational trauma because we are told to not trust ourselves.
We are told as children, we have to look for outside validation to tell us what we feel.
So my parents looking at me and saying, hey, you don't feel nothing.
Yeah.
I go to the room.
You're fine.
Yeah.
My brain is going, oh, I guess I am fine.
When my body is saying, no, you're not.
And you're adding more to what you already have that you can't express.
That you can't express.
So now you tamp this down and this comes out in so many different forms throughout your
life.
And our daughters are the same age.
Natalie and Jasmine are the same age, about seven months apart.
Maybe, oh God, maybe like four months apart actually, something like that.
But one thing that we've talked about myself and Diana is that it's really crazy how these
kids seem.
And I'll tell you, Diane, I have had this conversation with my therapist where she says, you should
be freaking so proud of yourself as a mother.
And I said, why?
And I'm telling you this too, because you're going to understand because you should feel
the same way.
She says, because you broke a barrier that you did not have.
You are now not only changing everything that, every thought that we were raised with, everything
that was ingrained in our head.
You are now changing and having a different relationship with your daughter that you never
had with your mom.
I never had with my mom.
I never.
Never.
I never had with my mom the way that Jasmine talks to me.
Exactly.
And I'm the same with Natalie.
And I love it.
Yeah.
Because I'm like, wow, okay, this is great.
This is what I wish I would have had.
Maybe my life would be different if I had.
There will be different things, probably, sure.
So yeah, I completely agree.
And I'm glad that it's taking our generation to try to stop previous generation and trauma.
And like I've told you before, I do worry.
I worry very much about my son knowing that there's so much toxicity and so much generational
trauma that can be passed on.
I mean, addiction could come from my side too.
So I can't even say it's just going to come from another side, but it can come from my
side too.
But there are things you don't realize that you have to watch.
When we were told so much of my anxiety started when I was a child and nobody knew what that
was.
It was basically like you're being dramatic.
You're crazy.
Because God forbid they took you to a doctor.
God forbid.
Psychologists.
Right.
And it was every medical doctor on the planet.
She's fine.
She's making it up.
Maybe she's allergic to something.
Do you know for like 10 years I didn't eat an apple?
Maybe the acid.
Oh my God.
No, I'm not exaggerating.
I was terrified to eat apples for about 10 years because they thought maybe the acid
of something I ate gave an allergic reaction.
This is what happens because nobody ever said maybe she just needs to talk to somebody.
There's transitions going on in her life.
But we can't talk to somebody.
No.
And the thing in, when did you see a psychologist or a therapist or anything?
When I finally got my own insurance in my 20s.
I will be honest with you.
I have never seen a psychologist or a psychiatrist or anything.
I'm not surprised because it's not, it's not spoke upon.
It's not and.
And it's not pushed.
No.
And another marriage counseling.
You said before that you did it.
Yeah.
More than once.
You were lucky.
I have not been able to have that because my husband doesn't believe in it.
Yeah.
And again.
My husband doesn't believe in talking to someone about our relationship.
Yeah.
Well, obviously we need some help every once in a while because you're not talking to me.
I'm not talking to you.
We're not getting anywhere.
But it took our daughter as an alarm clock to wake us up.
Yeah.
So now it's like, okay, let's get some counseling.
Yeah.
And it takes something like that, but why?
Right.
But you won't listen to me.
Oh.
And my needs.
That part.
And let's go get some help.
Yes.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I'm grateful, you know, that we're doing this, but why does it take some other
person's, okay, some other person, you know, whichever it may be, but this happened to
be my daughter to wake you up.
Yeah.
Why?
It's, that's the scary part.
Am I not a validation here?
Like am I not important for you to listen to?
No.
Because we were taught that you're just supposed to follow suit.
If your husband says jump, it's how high?
Yes.
Unfortunately.
And like I said, I would not mind my husband to be a leader.
Actually, I pray for that.
I have, you know, you've seen my big factory wedding.
Yes.
What they say, the husband is the head.
Yes.
But the woman is the neck.
Yes.
I'm okay with that.
I would love to have a husband who would say, yes, lead this family and we work together
as partners.
Yes.
I'm tired of being in my masculine.
I've been working so hard to be in my feminine because I'm tired of that.
It's exhausting.
But do you want, do you really want that?
I do.
Because in my house, my husband is a leader, but yet he will not budge on certain things.
Well, that's why I think when I say that, I think to me it's a lot about that balance.
Yeah.
Right?
Like, yeah, be a leader, but understand I'm your partner.
We are partners.
We are supporters.
We listen to each other.
You know, those things that in marriage counseling you're supposed to learn about.
You're supposed to practice, right?
My experience in marriage counseling, both times, were men sitting there lying.
Yeah.
That's, again, mine.
Right.
You know, were men sitting there there because, oh yeah, oh, I know I have to be here, but
I'm just going to say what I need to say and keep it moving.
You know, and make me think that you want to do the work, but you don't even know that
you're messed up to begin with.
I know that we're messed up, but you think what I'm doing is normal.
When I say I, you know, I mean them.
Right.
What I'm doing is normal.
And I'm very quick to say I have my flaws.
I'm not easy to live with.
I have shit that I'm dealing with and working through.
We all do.
Right.
And when it comes to my daughter, I've asked her before, I've said, do you need to speak
to me or to a counselor about what you've seen going on over the past year in this house?
You know, we live in close quarters.
It's hard for kids not to hear things.
Right.
Of course.
You know, it was brought into my home.
So unfortunately, this is where we all live.
They hear things.
My little one has heard things that I feel terrible about, you know, that he's understood.
And my daughter will look at me and go, no, I'm fine.
And I'm like, that's not normal.
Of course not.
This is your mother and your father.
Really.
This is your mother and your father going through this, this thing.
This is your mother being traumatized again in your little short lifetime.
This is your mother being traumatized again and you have no feelings toward it.
Now that could be two things, right?
It could be, well, I'm leaving it to mom to deal with her business.
I'm living my life.
I'm doing my thing.
Or it could be at this point, it is what it is.
You know, at this point, I'm at this point, you know, whatever.
And that scares me.
And what scares me is that one of two things can happen.
A pattern can be repeated no matter how much I try to break it.
Or it'll be the complete opposite where she can't form a relationship at all.
And that part scares me because I always say, I don't want to be, feel responsible for my
daughter not having healthy relationships and realizing that there are healthy relationships.
Healthy relationships are fights.
There's arguments.
There's healthy separations.
There are healthy separations.
So people say, listen, we're married.
We got to separate and then figure ourselves out and then work ourselves together.
Right now, that's not my situation.
I wish it would be.
But I don't know what that's going to look like, if that's going to look like anything,
right?
But I can't take responsibility anymore for another person, right?
Just myself.
My biggest concern at this point is, yeah, my kids and my daughter's perception of relationships
because I want to break that trauma.
I want to break that boundary.
And that starts with being able to talk to me about it.
If you know you have a thing, talk to a counselor.
You know, talk to things like that.
But does she know, because in us, it was engraved that, what counselor?
What help?
You don't need that.
No way.
That wasn't a thing.
Does she know that she can, that it's okay for her to go speak to somebody?
And I've done it before for years.
I've been with her since she was little.
And when I slept with her father, because there was trauma there.
Then his second wife caused trauma to my daughter that I didn't know about.
And I, me and my daughter joke about it, that I think that she didn't tell me when she was
little certain things because she knows that mommy would have been in jail.
And I believe that.
I think she was like, no, I can't end up with these people.
Mommy cannot go to jail because I probably would have.
You know, when you come see your kids, you're not thinking straight.
No, of course.
Not gonna.
You know, and you're not thinking straight.
I would say though, with all due respect to my children's fathers, I always say there's
got to be a plan for my kids on this planet because the men that he sends me, you know,
and again, a lot of it is because people have, people really have genuine tendencies.
You know, me and my husband really were in love, but you're not always in love all the
time.
If you're in love all the time, that's a, then you need surgery.
That's a red flag.
Yeah, that's a red flag.
Sometimes you're like, please go away.
Yes.
I can't stand you right now.
But marriage is not a, you know, marriage is a commitment.
It's like, okay, now I do not, if there is abuse, every kind of abuse run as far and
as fast as possible.
Find someone to help you run, save your money, do whatever you got to do.
Never, ever, ever, ever say an abusive relationship.
My relationship has been abusive in its own way and it took me a long time to realize that
now.
And that's going to take work if it even again gets to that point.
But the problem with that is when people don't see it as abuse, we're raised not to see it
as abuse, but it is.
It is.
Yes.
When a man of any kind is abusing you, whether it's physically, mentally, emotionally, financially,
that is abuse.
When you don't feel safe and you are living in survivor mode and your man is out doing
whatever the hell he's doing and then comes back to your bed, kissing on you when he was
out doing God knows what, that is abuse.
I mean, that could kill you physically nowadays.
That could kill you.
No, no, definitely.
Yeah.
You know, and I think that it's so important that we break those boundaries for our children
and our children and our future generations.
And one way is seeking professional help.
Yeah, definitely.
No matter what that looks like.
It could be a priest.
It could be a rabbi.
It could be a preacher.
It could be, you know, make sure that you can trust them as well because you know, there's
creepy people out there.
And emphasis on professional.
Professional.
Not family members.
Right.
And you guys, again, like I said earlier, they will either listen to what you have to
say and be like, oh, you're fine.
Yep.
Or blame you.
So definitely professional help.
Yeah.
And you're, and let me tell you, there have been times with my family that they have been
so angry over the last year of what's happened, especially because they trusted a lot and
trusted my heart with this person.
And they have been so angry, but my family's never disrespected from my own volition.
I have said, just don't.
And he's been able to be around my family without disrespect.
I can't say the same.
Now no love lost.
I care.
I don't wish anybody harm.
They're, you know, these are my son's family.
I love them.
They've always been good to me and my daughter, my daughter specifically as well.
But there is that feeling of there's no, that fact that you're never going to have any closure
in there.
And I'm like, you're able to be comfortable around my family after what you did to me.
You're able to be like, Hey, pops, my dad.
And, you know, and there are times even though like I've gone and I've used them as sounding
boards, right?
Not necessarily for advice.
There are times I've almost wished that they would just look at him, shake him, scream at
him.
Yeah, something.
Something.
Wake the f up.
I mean, what are you doing to an amazing effing woman?
A woman you know is amazing.
You've said it yourself.
What are you doing?
Right?
But what good would that do?
Yeah, absolutely nothing.
Nothing.
So it's like part of me says, I want someone else to scream at him for once.
And the other side says, it's not going to make any difference, right?
And all that energy being expelled over something that you know, someone is only going to fix
themselves if they want to.
And professional help is the only way.
And for some reason for us in the colored community, not just the Latino community,
it is such a stigma.
I don't understand why you are not allowed to talk to your business to anybody.
God forbid you say something.
This right now is going to put half the people that listen to it.
I could just because you just said something that your family, I guess your family knows
or is the people that the people that are closest to me know the detail.
No detail where I'm putting this out there for the very first time.
Yes.
Yeah.
Because again, I don't know if it's a cultural thing or a Central American thing.
There are parts of it that are different.
Yes.
Because I feel like I can't.
Yeah.
I feel like like I'm going to get blamed at.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Completely stigmatized.
Or I feel like I shouldn't be talking.
Right.
It's so yeah, I think I might feel it, but I'm glad that you were able to find at least
some people in your family that you've talked to unfortunately, whereas I feel like I can't.
But now you're seeking that professional help.
Yeah.
And that is huge.
Yeah.
Because even if you don't have a specific support system.
Yeah.
You also have the family in your house.
Oh yeah.
That's the most important.
Yeah.
Right.
And seeking that professional help is should never be stigmatized, but you're right.
Professional.
Someone who knows what they're talking about.
And by the way, not one size fits all.
Correct.
Oh my goodness.
I've had people, my daughters had different people that were like, we just don't gel with.
Yeah, it happens.
Yeah.
You're not comfortable with or they can't make you feel comfortable enough to open up.
When I tell you that when I was in my 20s and I decided to go, it was even started before
I got pregnant with my daughter and before I would, way before I was married.
And up until through my wedding, I had a therapist.
I had tons of people, family members.
I had a co-worker who says, are you sure you want to marry him?
No.
I know, did ask and I thought, well, what else would I do?
Right.
We have a kid together, we live together.
It's the best next step.
We've been together six years on and off, on and off, you know.
I did so a few wild oats here and there, you know, my early 20s.
But in that moment, it felt like, okay, this is the next best step.
Don't understand why we do that.
Right.
And that's, yeah.
Why?
Right.
Especially for women that were abused in their marriages too.
Right.
And for somebody who just went through awful things, you're going to put me in a situation
that I don't want to be in.
Right.
Because we have to.
Because of looks, the way it looks.
Because of what people are going to say, because if I don't do it, what that's going
to do to the family name.
That's ridiculous to me.
My dad looked at me and said, oh, there are secrets in this family.
God knows.
I was like, I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
And apparently no one else wanted us to know either.
Because it's not stuff that people talk about.
I said, all the other stuff people talk about.
I was like, but the stuff that might actually have been passed on from generation to generation
that could have screwed me the hell up.
I was like, it's not what you want to talk about.
It's quite an irony is what it really is.
Big one.
Yeah.
It is unbelievable.
Because you're sitting here trying to break the cycle.
Yet you're kind of forced back into it.
By the people who I just don't understand.
But that's why it's cyclical.
That's why they never end until you finally take.
And I don't know if now it's because of social media.
I don't know if it's because people have more people to feel they can reach out to.
Professional or not.
We know, again, professional help is the best way to go.
But there are people that, you know, people feel on social media and TikToks, oh, this
person put this meme up.
You know, many times that that damn algorithm, let me tell you, it's worked real hard for
me because I will sit there for hours thinking, oh, I am the best.
I will repost them.
Oh, that's right.
I will repost them.
I am, I am, mama, hear me roar.
Like, oh, this, you know, and because it makes, sometimes it's because it makes me feel better
other times.
Cause I'm like, yo, this is for real.
And this could help somebody.
Right.
Yes.
Because people, we feel so alone in these things.
The shame that came and the shame of me talking about it.
And I probably will never go into details, but the shame of me even feeling like I could
talk about it is a lot.
I'm horrified talking about it.
I'm horrified to know these things happened in my household.
Yeah.
Right.
Because then I go as well.
Well, what happens if I decide to work it out with my husband?
Now what do I look like?
At the end of the day, that's your choice.
Right.
Whatever you do, even if you told somebody every little detail at the end of the day,
if you decide to work it out and the person you told everything to, they, they take it
however they want to take it, that shouldn't worry you.
And the, but you know what it is again, is that ingrained idea that you put your shit
out there.
Now you got to, now you got to do whatever backlash is going to come at you.
We are going to get some side eyes if you ever go into a picnic.
Goodness and right when this, when good weather's coming in there and the birthdays are coming.
Don't worry honey, I'm not going to be invited.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm not invited.
But either, your house.
Yeah, there you are.
Your house.
That's right.
Yeah, good house.
I'm sitting in the corner with my kids.
Oh, you're not.
I'm just kidding.
Kind of, you know, those things, I don't, I've gotten to the point in my life at this
point too, using this.
Yes.
I'm going to use this as a way to speak my truth because I know that it's going to help
other people.
And that's, that's the important part.
Even if it reaches one other person, it is going to help other people know that holy
crap, this is happening in really fairly normal looking homes.
Do you want me to tell you something?
Yeah.
When we started talking about everything that's been going on, you were the first person
I told what was going on in my house.
It's amazing.
I don't know.
And it's weird because we have a relationship, but it's not like, you know, hey, Teresa,
every day, right?
Yes.
It's not like that.
We don't talk every day.
Right.
But the moment we started talking and we started about everything that we, we, you were going
through, I just felt so relieved.
Me too.
Maybe that I'm not the only one that goes through stuff that I told you.
Yeah.
And I just, it just, and now you see, you know, we have more in common than we know.
And you were such, and this is going to, this is a weird word to use.
I'm going to say comfort.
And the reason I say it's a weird word to use because the information you gave me wasn't
good information.
Yeah.
It wasn't like, it was like, oh, I feel great now.
Right.
But it made me realize that I wasn't imagining stuff.
Okay.
I wasn't making stuff up.
I wasn't just that I made up a whole scenario in my head.
It was holy crap.
This is really happening.
Yes.
And it didn't start with me.
Of course not.
And for so long as much as I struggled and I knew, I knew on the lower level that this
really didn't start with me, you still will question everything about yourself.
Oh my God, I gained weight during COVID.
Am I too fat?
Oh my God, am I too much of a bitch?
Oh my God, am I asking too much?
Am I irrational for asking my husband to be home at a certain time?
Am I irrational for wanting a partner to love me the right way?
But you know, you can't love somebody if you don't love yourself.
And that is something we were never, we weren't really taught.
No.
And I'm not sure.
The minute you get married, you're told that you are a wife.
Yeah.
Then you become a mom.
You are a mom.
And yeah, you forget who you are.
You forget to love yourself.
You forget to be your person.
Yeah.
And that's so hard to come back from.
Because we change every seven years cellularly.
Anyway, we're a completely different person every seven years, which is ironic because
you know what?
When I found out about shit, it was around seven years.
And I'm like, oh my God, I literally am cellularly different than I was seven years before.
But it wasn't the good difference that I would have.
It wasn't the growth I wanted.
It was 17 steps back and 15 jumps down a hill and 17 under the gravel and down in the trenches.
You know, we're like 17 piles of gunk over my head.
But I can laugh about it now because I have been doing the growth and you have been doing
the growth.
Yes.
And that's going to mean spades for our kids.
And that's why I think we got to watch them.
Yeah.
We got to watch them.
But we always have to make sure that they are not picking up what we are going through.
Yes.
Because that's obviously not.
I'm trying to break it now.
Yeah.
I look at my daughter now and I go, listen, I know you're going to, I know you don't want
to hear it right now, but I'll take the headphone out for a second and listen to mommy for two
minutes.
Listen, I'm like, have your career.
You graduate.
Have your own place.
Yes.
Have a nest egg.
Have a emergency fund.
Have your money.
Never put nothing in your name for anybody else.
Never take out loans for anybody else.
Never, I said, have yours.
I said that way when you are in a relationship, you know what's yours.
You know what's his.
And then you can figure out little things together.
I said, I gave so much of so much of myself because I was never told not to.
And that is really dangerous.
It is.
And because of what happens then you become the giver, the giver, the giver, and it becomes
expected of you.
And then when something like what's going on in our lives happens, where are we?
Right.
We're stuck.
We're stuck with all of it.
Yes.
The ramifications of all of it, they get so say, okay, walk away.
Exactly.
And you're like, what do I do now?
Now I have to figure out how to live.
Correct.
How to take care of myself and the kids by the way that I didn't lay down and make myself.
Yep.
Very true.
That was the case.
I would have.
That was the case.
I would have.
But it's very true that we unfortunately get screwed.
Yeah.
It's really true.
We get blamed on.
We get screwed.
We get broken again.
We get it's it's intense.
Yeah.
Not only are we going through what we're going through yet we have everything else piling
on because the bills come, the blame comes, the feeling bad comes and it's a lot.
And don't forget mom guilt.
Oh, yes.
Oh, mom guilt.
The second you take a second for yourself, you feel like you should be doing something.
Yes.
Oh, guys.
Doing something.
Yes.
And I've been really making that a priority.
I'm like, listen, mommy needs time.
Y'all can take care of yourselves right now.
Go do it.
They're not babies.
Yeah.
Go do it.
Yeah.
They're they're at an age where they can.
Yeah.
And like I was telling you, you have to do for you.
Yeah, I have to.
And as much as everything that's going on hurts because obviously that doesn't stop.
It doesn't stop hurting from one day to the next.
Doesn't stop hurting from a year to the next.
It could take long.
Yeah, very long.
You, but you still have to remember that you're Teresa.
Yeah.
And you have to do for you.
I'm Teresa.
I like that.
Yes.
And you're Diane.
Yes.
And we're perfectly imperfect and that's okay.
There you go.
So we're coming to the end, but I did want to ask you one more question and I'll apologize
because we've been still talking here and y'all are going to get to hear it.
We're good.
So I read that there's something called generational curses.
Okay.
Do you know what that is and what do you think about it?
So I don't know what it is.
I think you told me a little bit before we started this.
I didn't know what it was.
Apparently it's something that people believe in, right?
So you said?
Yes.
It's really, it's a spirit, apparently it's a spiritual thing.
Where they feel like there is, and some of the people think I'm crazy, but I had a spiritual,
let's tell me this.
Okay.
That's not known, it's even known in the Bible apparently that there are specific demons,
is a very strong word.
I'm not going to say demons, but spirits that are not good spirits, and they apparently
stick to people.
It could be a man from seven generations behind, a grandfather somewhere.
And part of that, it may be what causes alcoholism, drugs, whatever the addiction is, whatever
the case may be.
And I think a lot of this too, when they say curses, I think a lot of it is because now
we know about genes.
Okay.
Okay, like addiction runs in genes.
At the time they didn't think that, but now we know that it runs in genes.
So I think that's probably where it comes from, that it's kind of a crapshoot where
you can have literally seven grandfathers and everyone after that is going to have this
affliction until they, somebody says, finally, I don't want this and breaks it.
So part of it is genes, and part of it is, you know, I have the choice, yes or no.
And I think that's really where there's an issue about the generational curses.
And I, again, I think a lot of that is because now we know more about genes and cellular
and DNA and all that kind of stuff.
But I think it's interesting that it's considered a generational curse.
Okay, I get what you're saying.
I don't know if I necessarily believe in that.
Okay.
Because it's like the other curses that we're always told as growing up.
So what am I supposed to do?
Think of this as the lairona?
Right?
Like, okay, my husband is doing this because lairona told him to.
Yeah, because he's got that demon on his back.
Right, exactly.
So it's like, I don't know about that.
And you ever think about that too, saying that literally makes me think about how they
say, oh, that voice on their shoulder, that chip they can't get rid of, all that kind
of stuff.
And it's like, maybe it's just straight up generational trauma.
Yeah, yeah, I think it's more that.
Yeah.
And again, genes have a lot to do with it.
DNA has a lot to do with it.
The fact that we are forced to make decisions in our lives that we never thought we'd make.
And again, if everybody out there, just remember that nobody has the right to hurt you or disrespect
you without your permission.
In any form.
Yeah.
Any.
You are your own person.
Life is rough by itself without adding to it and being mentally unhappy and unhealthy.
Because it is something I think our generation is really trying to focus on is trying to
get your mental in check and realizing that mental health is literally more important than
physical health because it causes your physical health.
Of course.
Your mental health is what causes your physical decline.
Definitely.
It's unbelievable.
You know, that's true though.
Yeah.
Because unfortunately I see it with my kids.
Unfortunately, these kids nowadays, mental issues are.
Yes.
Intense out there.
Yeah.
So I get what you're saying.
Yeah.
And it's really a scary thought that we actually do control.
I mean, yes, we all have outside things.
We all have other factors and everything.
But we control so much of what we do.
And I'm not saying it's easy.
Leaving is not easy.
No.
Deciding to do that.
No.
Deciding to do that.
Yes.
To either leave or let go.
And having the means.
Yes.
So many couples, regardless of what's going to stay together because they don't have the
means.
Yes, exactly.
And that's what we were saying.
Yeah.
We were saying, you know, have their own.
Exactly.
Have that nest egg.
Have your career.
Have this and have that.
Yeah.
And know that, you know what?
I'll tell my daughter too, you make sure you have something on the side.
You protect yourself because if God forbid you got to go, you don't got to wait.
Have on the side, you know.
And these are things that it's important to teach them.
It's important for ourselves.
We are still very young women in the prime of our lives.
And yes, a lot of life to go.
Oh, I know.
Definitely.
And we have every right to live it as we want.
Of course.
As we see fit.
Without being judged.
Exactly.
Yes.
Oh my God.
Dee.
Thank you.
Oh, this was so much fun.
For spending this time with us.
And hopefully it was enlightening.
Yes.
I learned a lot today.
And maybe you see a little of yourself in us to our audience because even though we're
all unique, we are not alone.
No, definitely not alone.
So Dee, did you enjoy being on?
I had a blast.
Yeah?
I had a blast.
I didn't know what this was going to be like and I had a blast.
So thank you.
Yeah, I'm hoping, you know, we got a few good listeners out there.
We're going to keep coming.
And you know, we can talk about different, all kinds of different stuff.
Do you have anything else you'd like to add in closing for me or for our listeners?
The whole looking for help is very important.
If you feel like you need it, don't feel like you're doing wrong or that you're going
to be looked upon differently because you need help.
If you need help, please go get it.
Professional help.
Amen.
Yeah, definitely.
And with that said, you know the drill.
If you would like to be a part of our future episodes or have something you'd like to hear,
talk to about, please feel free to email me at persecoqueenspodcast.gmail.com or DM me
on IG at persecoqueenspodcast.
Also, don't forget to follow us while you're there and share with everyone you know.
And once again, I'm going to thank my fellow Queens Diane for joining me and sharing.
Thank you.
And to all of our listeners, stay tuned to our IG where I will be announcing our next
episode in a few weeks and who will be on with me then.
So what are we drinking?
What are we thinking?
You're Prosecco Queens.
I got all the goss.
Let's go.