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This episode may contain strong language, adult themes, and sensitive content.

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We are issuing a possible trigger warning.

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The views expressed are hours alone.

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Please proceed with your own discretion.

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Hey fam, you are listening to your girl Teresa and this is Ride or Die from Teens to Prosecco

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Queens.

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As you may have heard in the previous interlude, your queens are coming at you in a whole different

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format.

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If you didn't, then what are you waiting for?

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Go listen.

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We'll wait.

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Haha, just kidding.

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But don't forget to listen to our earlier episodes so you can be all caught up and ready

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to go.

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My guest host for today is someone who is definitely stepping out of her comfort zone.

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So everybody say hello to Diane, who is my cousin-in-law and a badass queen herself.

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Dee, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

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Hey everybody.

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So yeah, I'm Diane, also known as Dee.

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Yeah, like Teresa said, I am her cousin-in-law, more like a legit family at this point.

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I am married.

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I am 43 with two kids.

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And I'm here trying to see how this goes because it's my first time doing anything like this.

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So I'm very excited.

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And I'm excited too because I think that what we're going to discuss is something we've

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discussed many times before.

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And we've realized that we have a lot more in common in this particular situation than

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others.

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Very good.

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What's funny, just to kind of play off what Dee said, I remember when the first time I

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met you and it was your brother's, one of his birthdays.

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And I remember my husband said to me, he was a little worried.

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He was like, Dee, it can be a little hard.

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I was like, do you not know me at all?

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I can be.

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I am the oldest of the girl cousins in the family.

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And I just want to make sure that everybody's okay.

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So I see why that was said.

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Yeah, they were, and I was like, I am not worried.

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I was like, I'm me and we hit it off.

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And to this day, my husband is still shocked.

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He's like, man, Dee really took you.

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I said, because I don't play around.

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And I don't either.

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I think that's why we hit it off.

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Exactly.

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Exactly.

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So I am thrilled to have you here.

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Thank you.

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I'm happy to be here.

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I'm very excited.

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I'm so glad because to kick off this new series that I'm kind of working on, again,

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to just enlighten and to heighten Queen Voices and different and different areas where we

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can help each other.

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And I think that's really important.

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And I've said that many times before to be able to express ourselves because we know

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that there's not many platforms to do that.

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There's not.

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And I feel that sometimes also what we're going to talk about is, for example, today,

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sometimes we feel like we can't talk about stuff like that.

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And I think we should.

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Exactly.

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So we're going to have a disclaimer, a regular disclaimer at the beginning, but I'm going

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to put a disclaimer right now.

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If you can't handle it, you don't have to listen.

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You know, we are open to speaking our truth.

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And unfortunately for us culturally, that can be an issue.

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Familiar can be an issue with that, right?

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Yes.

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I feel like definitely some of the things that are going to get said are going to go not

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good.

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Maybe not good.

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Maybe not good.

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But I think it's necessary to talk about these things.

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So I'm willing to take it.

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Yeah.

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And it's like, you know, at this point, no secrets need to be said, but we're going to

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talk about how things have impacted our lives.

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So basically what Diane and I are discussing today is intergenerational slash generational

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trauma and how it affects all of our relationships, specifically romantic ones, but also familial

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ones, the way we raise our kids, and trying to break those traumatic barriers so we don't

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make the same mistakes with our children, right?

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You know, one thing we've said is being Hispanic women in our 40s, we've had so many experiences

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in our lives that are very parallel and others that aren't when it comes to passing trauma

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through the generations.

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And a lot of that too, I think, is because we're from different cultures with different

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dynamic relationships, right?

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Because I'm Puerto Rican and you're...

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I'm Guatemalan.

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Yeah.

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I know I could have said that, but it was like...

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No, it's all right.

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So yeah, it's definitely...

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Even though we are Hispanic women, we were raised completely different.

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That's right.

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And I feel that to this day, we're still in that mindset that we were raised a certain

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way, and that that's how we still have to be even to this day in our 40s.

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Exactly.

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And I think that the fact that, again, we'll get more into this is the degree of generation

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difference, right?

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So for example, we'll talk about first generation versus third generation, which is me.

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It makes a huge difference in the way we're raised and the way our families expect us

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to behave.

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Yes.

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To this day.

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To this day, in our relationships.

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And now expect our kids to be...

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Right.

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And we're not raised to realize that it's toxic behavior.

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No, absolutely not.

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We're raised to accept it.

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Or be quiet of it.

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Be quiet of it.

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Yeah.

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Which is not good.

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That's the huge one, is to be quiet of it.

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Just accept it and don't say anything or whisper or just keep it in.

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Exactly.

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And it's like, and God forbid you tried to get help for it, right?

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Like all of a sudden you're wrong too.

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And that's the big traumas that goes on.

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It's either you have to be very hush-hush, you have to accept it, you have to move on

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because what else are you supposed to do?

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Yeah, because the minute you say something's going on with me and you want help, you're

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looked at like nothing's wrong with you.

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That's right.

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Just go on and you'll be fine.

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But you're asking for help.

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Yeah.

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And you get brought down even more than you already might feel and that's not right.

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And then you don't get the support that you need.

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Correct.

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And people who don't get the support, you just fall down a rabbit hole.

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And we know that that's something that specifically these days with mental health is so taboo in

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colored culture.

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And we know for a fact that that generational trauma is embedded in us to the point that

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we believe these things as well.

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So I think what we should start doing is explaining exactly what generational slash intergenerational

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trauma actually is if you want to take that away.

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Okay.

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So generational trauma, I for one did not know at all what this is.

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Teresa actually pointed it out to me.

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So it is um, transference of traumatic experiences or stressors from one generation to the next.

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One of the many types it can happen through direct experiencing, uh, witnessing violence

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or living in an environment where violence is constant threat.

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So again, I didn't know about this.

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Uh, Teresa, let me know and it blows my mind that this is actual thing because I guess

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again being Hispanic women, you don't know these words or these, these terms.

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So I'm a little shocked right now that this exists.

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And it just a little background there.

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It turned part of the reason that I decided this would be a good topic for, for D and myself

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is because of conversations we've had recently about our own, about our own experiences in

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our own lives.

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And we've come up with that with the parallels that we've had.

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It's not something we ever talked about because I don't know that we didn't think that we

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could.

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It just never came up.

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Right.

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I think we just, maybe we didn't feel comfortable talking to each other about it.

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Um, but once, you know, once you know that somebody is going through something, I think

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you have to forget the labels that are put on us, especially as Hispanic women.

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And we have to be able to say, talk to me.

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I'm here for you and let me know what's going on.

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And then that's when we realized how much more in common we have than we actually know.

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Agreed.

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And one of the things that I learned, and this just came out as a study kind of recently

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that it was confirmed.

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And I've mentioned before of some severe trauma I've had, I had last year and I'm doing my

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part in healing from it and working through it, but it's still a day to day basis, right?

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Like everything is day to day basis.

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And I used to say that it changed me on a cellular level, the trauma, the PCSD of it,

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um, of addiction and not my own addiction.

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Let's make that clear.

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But you know, partner addiction and partner betrayal.

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That's at this point, probably the most I'll say is partner betrayal.

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And when you have that happen to you, you feel like you die.

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You really feel like you die.

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And I used to say that I felt it changed me on a cellular level and people would look

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at me like I was crazy.

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And no, I feel it changed me as a person and not just a person like mentally a person.

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It actually changed me physically.

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And it was proven that it literally generational trauma, any kind of trauma changes your DNA.

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Yeah, it's passed down through DNA.

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DNA family members, that's crazy.

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It's crazy.

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It's crazy.

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Yeah.

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And you know, they talk about it through slavery and stuff like that.

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Slavery was a huge one.

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Right.

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That that trauma from that has passed a generation on top of the fact that it continues.

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Yes.

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Right.

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That it's never gotten better other than that being abolished.

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It's never actually gotten better.

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It's in their DNA.

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Yes.

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It's mind blowing.

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Completely mind blowing.

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You know, and we can't necessarily speak for obviously for the African American community,

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but we can speak for the Latino community in the sense that again, we come from two different

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areas of the world our family comes from.

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There's like what, 30 Hispanic countries or something?

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Yeah.

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I'm exaggerating.

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I don't really remember.

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No, probably.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I don't know what I guess.

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Yeah.

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We'll just say 30.

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30.

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Yeah.

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Somebody may not correct me, but realistically, I think about how from us being raised again,

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separated, but having still those core beliefs that are drilled into us.

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Yes.

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From generations of abuse and honestly, women's abuse.

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That's the biggest thing I think in the Hispanic community that is not talked about is how

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much women are abused in a relationship and it's just okay.

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It's not okay.

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Never okay.

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I saw it growing up and it does like Teresa says.

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It changes you as a person.

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I was younger when I first saw it.

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Maybe I didn't understand what was happening, but I did see it and it does change you.

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It makes you think differently on what you want for your life.

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Right.

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That makes sense.

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Yeah.

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You know, and I think it goes that, I think it's a catch 22.

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We can go either way because we were saying in that sense that there's some people kind

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of like abusers, right?

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Some are abused as some kids are abused as a child.

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Could be sexually, emotionally, whatever, and they don't grow up to be abusers.

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They go up to the opposite, but then you have some that grow up to be to abuse just as much.

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Yes.

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And I think that's that.

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It's that.

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It's that weird economy there.

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Right.

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It's that weird.

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Oh yeah.

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I saw this in my life.

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This is all I know.

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So this is how I'm going to be.

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That seems to be my situation, right?

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In the sense and is that, you know, there's that toxicity that so many men, Hispanic men

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are raised with and they pass that on to other generations.

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And some, like we say in my sense, some of the men, some of the men in the family don't

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go that way.

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Right.

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And others literally think that that's so normal that they do what I'm realizing it.

254
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:19,720
Right.

255
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,440
That goes to womanizing, drinking, alcohol, all those things.

256
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,160
And what is, what are we told to do?

257
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,040
And when I say we, and again, I'm going to use this loosely.

258
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,000
I'll let you chime in is because I was never told by my mother if a man is abusing you

259
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,520
stay with him or, you know what I mean?

260
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,680
Or it's okay.

261
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,720
Or it's, or that's, they're a man.

262
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:36,720
That's what they're supposed to do.

263
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,680
But see, I was told differently.

264
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:39,680
Exactly.

265
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,440
And I don't know if it's a cultural thing.

266
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:42,440
I don't know.

267
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,760
I'm not sure.

268
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:48,000
But when I was growing up, it was, oh, he hit me.

269
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,000
I did something.

270
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,000
Oh, he hit me.

271
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,000
It's okay.

272
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,440
Talk down to me.

273
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,840
He yelled at me.

274
00:11:53,840 --> 00:12:00,920
Whatever the situation was, we were just supposed to turn around, walk away, go watch TV while

275
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:05,320
it was happening behind us and it was okay.

276
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,960
And where you were told that it's not okay.

277
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:08,960
Right.

278
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:09,960
Yeah.

279
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:10,960
Right.

280
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:11,960
It's crazy.

281
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:12,960
And I think a lot of it too was the reason I was told it was not okay.

282
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,160
Cause I think we talked about the generation, the generation difference, right?

283
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,920
Cause I think I said, you know, do you think being first generation had an impact on your

284
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:20,920
experiences?

285
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,880
It did.

286
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,840
And I would see what was happening in my house.

287
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,040
I always had in my head ideas of I'm not going to let that happen to me.

288
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:34,560
I'm not going to become what he is and I'm not going to become what she is used to.

289
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:41,720
So I grew up in my head thinking that, and I have, thankfully never had an experience

290
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,720
where I said, oh, my mom went through that or my dad did that.

291
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:46,720
Never.

292
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,240
Because I never let it happen.

293
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,240
That part.

294
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,320
Because I think that's amazing.

295
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:56,640
Cause I think for me, again, being third generation on my father's side, my father's side and

296
00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:01,640
like second or second or something on my mother's side, it had a huge impact because like, I

297
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:06,160
think I'd mentioned to you before my mother was very independent.

298
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,160
She was on her own.

299
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:13,360
She was raised by a woman who was very independent, but her grandmother, my great grandmother

300
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:19,520
is independent as she was, lived on her own, raised kids late in life, still expected my

301
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,400
mother to put my father's slippers down for him, make sure she cooks for him.

302
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,600
And my mother was like, excuse me, I work too.

303
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,760
I am going to, he should have my slippers down, right?

304
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:33,960
So it was always that pull, that push and pull of that generational mentality that doesn't

305
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:38,880
matter how independent you are, you are to be a servant toward your husband.

306
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,160
But see, even though what you're just saying right now, the whole independent that all

307
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:48,680
these women in your life have been independent in my, my family, it was always the husband

308
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,480
is the one that supports you.

309
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,200
You have to be there for him.

310
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,480
You have to do what he says.

311
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,680
So it made you feel like less of a person.

312
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:02,800
And you are not, you can't do stuff on your own and you can't be independent because that's

313
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:08,560
always what I've seen and heard that happened to my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother.

314
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,840
It was always that we're not independent.

315
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,800
We have to count on these men.

316
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,200
And I think, and when it comes, and that's so, God, that's so interesting.

317
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:22,680
And I think back to what I was saying about my mom when my goodness is that specifically

318
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:28,120
too, I think there was so much trauma in those households as well.

319
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,200
And it does exactly what you did.

320
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,400
That's why I think she went the complete opposite.

321
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:34,760
It was kind of like, you know what?

322
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:40,080
I've seen too many crappy relationships that I want to break this cycle.

323
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:46,280
However, then you have kids and there's other cycles with your children that you're not

324
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,040
breaking, right?

325
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:52,960
And so I think that is really, that again is a real interesting parallel.

326
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:57,480
It's like, okay, so my relationship, I'm not going to be in this shitty relationship,

327
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:02,200
but my children are getting this other part of me as well, getting the brunt of the generational

328
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,700
trauma.

329
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,920
You know, I've been very open before about that.

330
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,360
I feel like my parents should have been divorced when we were kids and they had that idea of

331
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:14,880
staying together, quote unquote, you know, you can't see me with the quote unquote for

332
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:15,880
the kids.

333
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,240
And I always said, I'm never going to do that.

334
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:21,720
I'm never going to do that because for the kids is not mean you should give up your entire

335
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:22,720
life.

336
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:26,360
However, we learned that there's a lot of things we will do for our kids, right?

337
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,720
Thinking that, you know, thinking that this other person you're with may not be reliable.

338
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,840
And now you're like, then I'm going to be stuck with the brunt of everything, right?

339
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,000
Because that's because women are.

340
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,680
Yeah, you get, God forbid you get divorced, you get the kids, you get everything that

341
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:44,840
comes along with separating, like all the responsibility because it's like, it's okay

342
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,400
for them and to go.

343
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:47,400
Yeah.

344
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,400
Why?

345
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,400
And it's acceptable for them to go and start their life over.

346
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,400
Yeah.

347
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:56,280
Whereas if we do it, we are bad and it's our fault and we should have taken better care

348
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,960
of him and it's not correct.

349
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,080
It shouldn't be that way.

350
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,080
Right.

351
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:06,120
At all, no matter what the situation was, family members, aside from who is in your

352
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,200
house should not get involved in what's going on.

353
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,200
Amen.

354
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,640
In your relationship, they shouldn't even have opinions.

355
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,640
I don't think.

356
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,240
I mean, I think what happens within your house should stay in your house.

357
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,240
Right.

358
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,880
And people just, I don't know, people just want to chime in another two cents and then

359
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:24,360
that's when problems get worse.

360
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:28,640
And, but when you separate or divorce, they're not there helping you.

361
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,920
So no, keep your mouth shut.

362
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:33,320
And I feel if you're not going to be a support, right?

363
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,960
If you want to come to me and say, listen, this is what I'm going through.

364
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,800
I was very, I've been very lucky that I've had a support system on my side after going

365
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:45,400
through the stuff that I've been going through last year because I've spent, I feel like

366
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,680
it's hundreds of hours in tears, right?

367
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:52,280
And I, and it feels like that if it may, may, may not have been, I don't, it could actually

368
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,960
probably thousands of hours at this point in the past year or so.

369
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:56,960
And not recently.

370
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:57,960
Thank God.

371
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:58,960
Good.

372
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:02,920
But I feel like if I didn't have, nobody's going to come to me and say, they may say,

373
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,000
okay, you okay, we see something's going on.

374
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,400
But if I don't feel like speaking about it, then I'm going to press it, right?

375
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,400
Correct.

376
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,400
But you never know what's going on in somebody's household.

377
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:12,400
Right.

378
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,400
Ever.

379
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:18,280
And we've again spoke about this, the fact that we were not taught to ever speak your

380
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,280
business.

381
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,280
Well, and this is the thing.

382
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:23,000
You're just saying that nobody's going to come to you and ask you.

383
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,720
The people that will ask you are probably your, like your family.

384
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:26,720
Yeah.

385
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,120
You know, your mom, your dad, your grandparents.

386
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:33,640
But if you want to be honest with them and tell them what's going on, then they're like,

387
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,000
well, no, you're fine.

388
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,000
Right.

389
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,000
It'll be fine.

390
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,000
It'll be fine.

391
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,000
So you can't count on them.

392
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,000
Yeah.

393
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,880
And you know, luckily I have people that I could talk to.

394
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,720
I'm hoping you have people that you could talk to.

395
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:46,960
And we found that we could talk to each other.

396
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,560
We could talk to each other, which has been great.

397
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:55,440
So again, it's unfortunate that we cannot talk to our immediate family because of the

398
00:17:55,440 --> 00:18:00,960
whole cultural or how they were raised and they want us to think that we should live

399
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,240
our lives the way they did.

400
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,240
Yeah.

401
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,240
It's not right.

402
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,240
And the stigma.

403
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,240
Yes.

404
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:07,240
Holy crap.

405
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,440
The stigma behind it.

406
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:13,320
I have never dealt with more stigma in my life than I have.

407
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:18,120
And you know, I, and again, from my own family, sure, and from my own relationships, you

408
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:23,240
know, realistically, I've dealt with enough men with mental issues that I ever want to

409
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,240
in my entire life.

410
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,760
Like it's like enough emotional immaturity, right?

411
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:30,880
If I could do the work to improve myself, to come through any of my trauma through my

412
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,240
whole life, you know what I mean?

413
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,840
I think that the men need to do that too.

414
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:40,760
But I think the men don't because in our culture, the men are everything.

415
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,760
And enabled.

416
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:42,760
Yes.

417
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:48,080
And I think that that's the problem when you find somebody who is messed up, however they

418
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:52,040
want to be messed up, you're trying to help them be a better man.

419
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,040
Yes.

420
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,160
They don't want to be.

421
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,160
Why?

422
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,160
Because it's in their heads.

423
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,760
It's been engraved that they are a Hispanic man.

424
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:00,760
Right.

425
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:04,560
And you, if you're in a relationship, it's a 50-50.

426
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,560
That's right.

427
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,000
So you can't just say, oh, well, she'll handle it or whatever.

428
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,280
No, well, we're not going to work and I'll be okay.

429
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:12,440
I'll find somebody else.

430
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:13,440
Why?

431
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,440
Right.

432
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:15,440
Like why is that okay?

433
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:20,040
But that's why we've noticed, and I think, and this one is the part that gets me, I think

434
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:26,200
we've noticed that's why a lot of colored men choose to go with non-Hispanic women,

435
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,680
non-Black women, because we are not easy.

436
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,320
No, we're not easy.

437
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,920
We expect men to be men.

438
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:39,240
We expect men to yes, protect us and provide for us, but also be our partners, be mature,

439
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,960
take care of us, not cheat on us, not step out on us, right?

440
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,680
And they're raised that I'm going to do what the hell I want.

441
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,720
And it's like, and again, when I say there, I'm using a blanket term.

442
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,520
We know that not all men are raised this way.

443
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,120
We know there are stand-up men.

444
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,240
We know that there are amazing men out there.

445
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:01,240
So you know, to our kings, that's amazing and you keep doing what you need to do.

446
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:06,320
But in my experience, I haven't necessarily found that one yet.

447
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,360
That's going to say, listen, you know what I mean?

448
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,440
I want to protect you.

449
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:14,000
I've never been protected my entire life.

450
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,800
And that is trauma.

451
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,800
It is.

452
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,960
And that goes through generational because that starts from, like I was saying from when

453
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,440
you were a kid, right?

454
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,800
When you don't feel protected by your parents, not that my parents didn't love me the way

455
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,640
they could and you know, whatever.

456
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,120
And I didn't go without, I guess, you know, I didn't go without.

457
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:36,360
But when you learn that you can only raise yourself because you cannot count on the emotional

458
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:41,880
stability and security that you need, you go out and you search for those places.

459
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:45,080
That starts from when your parents are bringing through their trauma from other generations

460
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,320
that they learned.

461
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,120
And they're only raising you the best way you can.

462
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,840
Sorry, the best way they can.

463
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,200
And now you're going, okay, I'm 14.

464
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,200
I am trying to figure out who I am.

465
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,920
I am changing.

466
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,320
Boys are paying attention to me.

467
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:04,640
I'm going to do what I need to do to get that attention that I wasn't getting elsewhere.

468
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,640
Right.

469
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,640
Yeah, it's very true.

470
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:07,640
And that follows you.

471
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,640
Yes.

472
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,800
All those decisions follow you and you don't realize where it comes from.

473
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,800
No, until something smacks you in the face.

474
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:15,800
Yeah.

475
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:20,200
Like, you know, a bad relationship or a bad experience or God forbid, something even

476
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:26,640
more traumatic, you know, and it's unfortunate that it takes something so hard for you to

477
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,120
realize, oh, I just said I wasn't going to do this.

478
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,560
I'm in the situation.

479
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,560
Exactly.

480
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,200
So you're repeating what you said you weren't going to do.

481
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,200
Yep.

482
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:41,920
I don't know if it's, we let our guard down as women because we start feeling comfortable,

483
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:47,520
feeling protected, feeling okay, feeling like I can rely on this person.

484
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,240
And I can also change him.

485
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,240
Yes.

486
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,800
Oh, yes.

487
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:57,760
Which we all, I think as women, we all have that in our heads because it's, I don't know

488
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,160
if it's like implemented in us.

489
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,160
Oh, it is.

490
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,160
Right?

491
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,920
So then we think that we can yet it doesn't happen.

492
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,160
My thought was always he loves me too much.

493
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,160
Okay.

494
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,800
He, he told me how much he loves me.

495
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,360
He told me he's going to protect me.

496
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:16,800
He's going to protect my heart knowing how I had been trampled on before.

497
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,880
And that causes a trauma bond.

498
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,760
Yeah, it does.

499
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,520
He's got trauma from his childhood, from other relationships.

500
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:28,760
And now we are both in this place where we think that we finally can be vulnerable, right?

501
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,120
Causing this trauma bond.

502
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,360
And then what happens, and I think I had, and I definitely had said to you as well,

503
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:38,720
is that a lot of that trauma bond then stems from I'm addicted to you now.

504
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:42,520
And now that I'm with you, I'm terrified of what you can do to me.

505
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,400
And I'm also terrified of you leaving me.

506
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,160
But then what are you supposed to do?

507
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,160
Not have relationships?

508
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,160
Right.

509
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,160
That's exactly the problem.

510
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,840
Because these are the, these are your feelings.

511
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:51,840
Yeah.

512
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,000
You're supposed.

513
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:57,880
And I think, again, this is where we try to break this, this trauma, this, everything

514
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,680
that's put into our heads.

515
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:06,760
For example, for me, I try to not, I'm trying not to have my kids grow up the same way I

516
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:07,760
did.

517
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:08,760
Amen.

518
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,440
I'm trying to let them be who they want to be.

519
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:12,440
Whatever that is.

520
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:13,440
Right.

521
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:19,320
I'm trying to let my daughter see that you can have a relationship, talk to somebody,

522
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:20,800
make sure you're okay.

523
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,360
I always tell her, you have to be okay.

524
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,360
She's 14.

525
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:25,360
I'm sorry, she's 16.

526
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,360
Wow.

527
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:27,360
I just got a question right there.

528
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:31,920
She's 16, but I'm always trying to tell her, you are a female, a woman.

529
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:32,920
They're women.

530
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:33,920
They're young women.

531
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:34,920
Yeah.

532
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,360
You are a woman before you're going to be anything else.

533
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:43,760
And you always have to remember that because you don't want to forget that that's who you

534
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,160
are first.

535
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,520
And then you come in as a spouse, as a mother.

536
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,000
What happens to you?

537
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,600
You have to take care of yourself first.

538
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,200
And I think that's another thing that growing up, they teach us not to do.

539
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,200
That's right.

540
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,200
Oh, you're married.

541
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,200
Okay.

542
00:23:58,200 --> 00:23:59,200
Well, you're supposed to be home.

543
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:00,200
Your mother, okay, well, where are your kids?

544
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,200
Yeah.

545
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,200
Okay.

546
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,200
I understand that.

547
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,960
But what does that mean as a woman?

548
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:05,960
You lose yourself.

549
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:06,960
You do.

550
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:07,960
Easily.

551
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:08,960
Easily you lose yourself.

552
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,400
But then again, and you want to, and sometimes you lose yourself while you're trying to be

553
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,400
in a relationship.

554
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:14,400
Oh my gosh.

555
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,400
Yes.

556
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,000
And then you start going backwards when you said you weren't going to.

557
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:19,920
Yeah.

558
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:21,200
You're going to get lost when all the problems start, I think.

559
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:22,200
Yeah.

560
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,200
Very easily.

561
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,200
Yes.

562
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:25,200
Very easily.

563
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,560
And I guess sometimes you don't realize how much you lose yourself.

564
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:27,560
No.

565
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:28,560
By any means.

566
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:33,880
It happens so incrementally that it's like one day you're like, who the hell am I?

567
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:38,840
And I think part of that, oh my gosh, that's so crazy to say that because I remember being

568
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:43,440
so as vulnerable as I was as much as I had been hurt.

569
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,400
I was finding myself a decade ago.

570
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:51,840
After my first divorce and before my husband.

571
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,840
And it's not that y'all don't know who my husband is and she knows who my husband is.

572
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,840
I'm just not going to shout out names.

573
00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:00,240
But just for his protection.

574
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:05,360
But when I think about that, I say, at the time, and again, I never hid who I was.

575
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,240
I was very secure in who I was.

576
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:11,400
I'm like, and what I will accept, that's the part that gets me still.

577
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,880
I told you who I was.

578
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,280
I told you what I was going to accept and what I was not going to accept.

579
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,480
What I had been through was traumatic enough.

580
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:24,200
I spent two decades of my life, three decades of my life in pure survivor mode.

581
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:28,280
I went from my mother's house when I was in eggshells, I was walking around to a man's

582
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,280
house.

583
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,720
And I say a man's house, but it was our house together.

584
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:36,600
But living with the man where the anxiety and depression and the pills and the suicide

585
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:42,600
attempts were so rampant that I was constantly walking on eggshells that I turned into a

586
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,240
person I didn't recognize.

587
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,000
And I could have ended up on an episode of SNAP.

588
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:52,400
I always say that I could have seen myself literally saying, oh, yeah, you know, after

589
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,320
I put the pillow over his face, you know, oh, was the pills he took.

590
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,960
And that scared the crap out of me.

591
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,680
Because that's not who I am.

592
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,480
And I never thought I'd get to a point in my life.

593
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,040
And that's when I was like, I'm done.

594
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:03,040
I can't do this.

595
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,080
And don't get me wrong, there was couples therapy.

596
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,040
I tried for years and years and years.

597
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:11,840
I said, I chose, even though I felt I had to marry this man, we'd been together many

598
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:12,840
years.

599
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:13,840
We had a daughter together.

600
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,120
I don't remember on my wedding day.

601
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:19,800
I don't know if I told you this, but I remember on my wedding day, I was 25.

602
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,840
And I thought to myself, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get divorced.

603
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,320
Oh, I didn't know that.

604
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,320
No.

605
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:26,320
Who thinks that?

606
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:27,320
Okay, but I think that.

607
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,960
I think I told you this.

608
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,040
I never wanted to get married.

609
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:37,000
I personally, to this day, do not believe in marriage.

610
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,840
Maybe because of the trauma that I had.

611
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:45,600
Because of everything that happened in my house with my parents, I didn't want that

612
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,120
for me.

613
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:52,560
So I did not want to get married and my husband knows this.

614
00:26:52,560 --> 00:27:01,680
So I ended up marrying him mostly to satisfy my mom because again, the Hispanic Guatemalan

615
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:08,320
woman in her was, you know, I had to leave my house wearing the white dress.

616
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:09,320
Wow.

617
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:10,320
Married.

618
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,160
I could not just move in with him.

619
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,160
Oh yeah.

620
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,160
Which is what I wanted to do.

621
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,240
Yeah, she was going to say, you're doing this the right way.

622
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:19,960
What I perceive is, perceive, perceive, perceive.

623
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:20,960
Thank you.

624
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:21,960
Perceive.

625
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:22,960
Perceive as the right way.

626
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:23,960
Oh my goodness.

627
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,160
That's what happens when you hit a survey, apparently.

628
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,880
It was, you have to get married.

629
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,440
You can't just move in with him.

630
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:31,440
What are people going to say?

631
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:32,680
What are people going to say?

632
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,600
I don't care.

633
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:38,920
So you lose yourself because I honestly did.

634
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:39,920
You were giving yourself away.

635
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:40,920
Yes.

636
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:41,920
And I literally did.

637
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:42,920
Yes, you did.

638
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,360
Because I felt like that when I got married, it was all her.

639
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:51,160
It was the planning from the beginning to the ceremony.

640
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,560
Everything was my mom's vision, not mine.

641
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,160
And I mean, I love my husband.

642
00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,160
Don't get me wrong.

643
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,440
But if it was up to me, I would have just moved in with him.

644
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:02,440
Yeah.

645
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:03,440
And there's nothing wrong with that.

646
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:04,440
There's nothing wrong with that.

647
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:05,440
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

648
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:10,280
And somebody before you marry them is literally ideal.

649
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,280
Yes.

650
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,960
You know, you say you should test drive the car before you buy it.

651
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:14,960
Right.

652
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:15,960
Right.

653
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:16,960
I mean, granted, I don't know if you know this.

654
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:21,280
I got, my husband met him and got married in a span of nine months.

655
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:22,280
I did not know that.

656
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:23,280
Yes.

657
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,280
Wow.

658
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:25,280
It was that quick.

659
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:31,400
But again, at that point at our nine month dating anniversary, we were talking about moving

660
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:32,640
in together.

661
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,080
Which is normal at that point.

662
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:35,080
Right.

663
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:41,680
But as you know, my mom, there was no way that was happening in my house.

664
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,760
So the only option was, I didn't actually, I didn't have an option.

665
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,480
Either you get married or you don't move in with him.

666
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,800
So at that point, I had to.

667
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:51,800
Right.

668
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:53,440
I had no choice from my happiness.

669
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:54,440
Yeah.

670
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:55,440
And then I did.

671
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:56,440
I lost myself.

672
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:57,440
I completely lost myself.

673
00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,760
Isn't it crazy though, knowing how old you were as a full grown adult?

674
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:00,760
Yeah.

675
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:01,760
I was 22, I think.

676
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:02,760
Yeah.

677
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:03,760
You could have said, no.

678
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:04,760
I could have.

679
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:05,760
Isn't that crazy when you think back?

680
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:06,760
You could have been like, no.

681
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,960
If I'm going to do, I'm going to do what I want to do.

682
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:14,360
If I, if I were who I am now, back then.

683
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:15,360
That's right.

684
00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:16,360
Number one, I would have gotten slapped in the face.

685
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:17,360
Oh, no.

686
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,360
For saying no.

687
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:19,360
Probably fast.

688
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:23,880
But I wish I had the courage that I have now to have said no.

689
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:27,120
Or, okay, fine, but let me have it my way.

690
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:28,120
Yeah.

691
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:33,920
But no, I'm telling you, to the wedding dress, to the cake, to the food, everything was her

692
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:34,920
idea.

693
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:35,920
Wow.

694
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:36,920
Not mine.

695
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,280
So you've never even had a wedding to your husband that was you?

696
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:40,280
No.

697
00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:45,440
My wedding dress was my mom, the wedding cake, the colors, everything was my mom's idea.

698
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:46,440
Wow.

699
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,480
It wasn't like, what do you think?

700
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:50,520
Um, no, I didn't get that option.

701
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:51,840
Oh my goodness.

702
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:52,840
Wow.

703
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,560
So, and again, I lost myself and all of that.

704
00:29:55,560 --> 00:30:02,480
But if I could go back and take me right now to 20 years ago, oh my God, I would just

705
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:03,480
move in.

706
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:04,480
But this day I still wouldn't move in.

707
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,280
And that's what I was going to ask you, would you have done something different?

708
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:08,280
For sure.

709
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:09,280
I know I would have.

710
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:13,920
If I would have had the courage, like I said, I would have done, okay, maybe I would have

711
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,240
gotten married and have it my way or maybe not.

712
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,440
Maybe I just would have said, hey, let's move in.

713
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:19,600
What's wrong with just moving in?

714
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:20,600
Right.

715
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:21,600
Because people talk, let them talk.

716
00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:22,600
Let them talk.

717
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:23,600
They're not in my house.

718
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:24,600
That's right.

719
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:25,600
They're not paying my bills.

720
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,840
They're not there when I'm going to need somebody.

721
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:30,240
So I don't care what people think.

722
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:35,360
But in the culture that we grew up in, it's what are the people going to think?

723
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:36,360
Right?

724
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:42,440
And even now, I can't talk about what's going on in my house because what are people going

725
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:43,440
to think?

726
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:44,440
Yeah.

727
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:49,880
And you know, I've been very resistant on going into detail.

728
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:56,480
And people closest to me know what's been going on in my house and that I am currently

729
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,920
separated because of my husband's actions.

730
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:05,200
And the worst part about that is not having the support, not from my family, not from

731
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:10,680
my blood side, unfortunately, because I have been told it was my fault.

732
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:13,120
Again, not from my side.

733
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,760
You know, even my therapist is like, there's no way in hell that's your fault.

734
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:17,760
Right?

735
00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:19,120
I know that logically.

736
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:24,320
But when someone can look you in the face knowing this generational trauma, knowing that

737
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:30,520
this came from starting when this man is a child and stuff he saw, stuff he experienced

738
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:34,160
as he got older by himself too, not just stuff that went on in anybody's house, stuff that

739
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:39,240
he put himself in, situations he put himself in because of certain things that happened

740
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:45,760
as well and that he saw, the denial and the delusion that this is somebody else's fault.

741
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:46,760
It has to be your fault.

742
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:47,760
You brought this out of him.

743
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,360
But it would come to me too.

744
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:50,360
Right?

745
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:55,800
If my family, if I were to really tell them, hey, for the past 20 years, it hasn't been

746
00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:59,280
perfect because I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been perfect.

747
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:00,280
Of course.

748
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,240
If you're out here saying that you have a perfect marriage, you need to wake up.

749
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:04,240
That's right.

750
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:05,240
It doesn't.

751
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:06,240
I'm sorry, but it doesn't happen.

752
00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:11,280
So in the 20 years that I've been married, it hasn't been perfect.

753
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:15,680
We've had our, we're done.

754
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:18,880
You have to go and or I have to go and we'll figure it out.

755
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:23,600
But if I were to go to my family, it's my fault.

756
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:25,000
And that's what we're talking about exactly.

757
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:26,000
The same side.

758
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,000
Why?

759
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,520
No, but you're saying that it's not yours, your family.

760
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:30,520
No, no, not my family.

761
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:32,080
I'm talking about what's your fault.

762
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:36,560
I don't understand why there has to be a blame.

763
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:37,560
Oh God, yes.

764
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:38,560
I get it.

765
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:39,560
Whose fault it was.

766
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:40,560
Yeah.

767
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:41,560
Okay, fine.

768
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,360
But why do we need more on top of what we already have going on?

769
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:45,360
Right.

770
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:46,360
To be blamed.

771
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:47,360
Right.

772
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,720
To be blamed makes me crazy.

773
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,040
Because I always say, look, I have my faults.

774
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:59,760
I've never claimed to be perfect, but I have an issue where I just give all of me all the

775
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:01,000
time.

776
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:07,080
And from my first marriage, I guess I didn't learn my lesson when me and your cousin, my

777
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:11,000
husband got together.

778
00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:15,600
It was like he literally helped heal my heart.

779
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:19,600
So you wonder how somebody who helped heal your heart could then crush it a million ways

780
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,320
worse.

781
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:26,120
And I always look back and I wonder, did I make the same mistakes?

782
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:30,200
Because I always said, the way my parents were and my grandparents, I never saw a healthy

783
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:31,200
relationship.

784
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:32,200
Right.

785
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:33,320
Oh my God.

786
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:39,560
I literally had about a year ago, my therapist say to me, did you ever have or see a healthy

787
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,200
relationship in your life?

788
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,480
And I was like, holy crap, no.

789
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,200
Okay, but is there a healthy relationship out there?

790
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:50,240
I mean, just like I was saying, no marriage is perfect.

791
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:51,240
Right.

792
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:52,240
It's work.

793
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:53,240
It is.

794
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:54,600
And both people have to want to make that work.

795
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:55,600
Right.

796
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:56,600
And just relationships in general.

797
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,800
If you're in a long-term relationship in general, right?

798
00:33:58,800 --> 00:33:59,800
That is work.

799
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:05,920
And it's such, it's such a depressing notion to think that someone could look you in the

800
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:10,320
face and say, you know why he's messed up?

801
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:11,320
Because of you.

802
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,200
And it's like, hold up.

803
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,200
You would take that to your soul.

804
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:15,200
Yes.

805
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:18,120
And it's like, I was the support.

806
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:23,040
I was lover, best friend, wife, mother.

807
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,840
I mean, I can keep going down the list.

808
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:27,200
Right.

809
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:30,680
And when there was the shoulder to cry on, who did I have?

810
00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:33,320
I didn't have some point on that side.

811
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,080
And the embarrassment too.

812
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:38,880
The shame that is put on us.

813
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:39,880
Yes.

814
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:45,840
And you would think, okay, instead of blaming you, why don't they take the responsibility

815
00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:46,840
where it started?

816
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:47,840
Right.

817
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:48,840
Where it started.

818
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:49,840
Where it's been coming from.

819
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:50,840
Right.

820
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,680
No, it's just easier for them to, or I don't know if it's that they don't want to take

821
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:57,800
the blame or they don't want to really realize that it started with.

822
00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:58,800
It's denial.

823
00:34:58,800 --> 00:34:59,800
It is.

824
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:00,800
Yeah.

825
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:04,920
But again, I think it's that whole cultural thing that, oh, let's just turn around.

826
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:05,920
Yeah.

827
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:07,480
Let's not pretend it's really happening.

828
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:08,480
Right.

829
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:11,560
And I think, well, okay, this message has been, this message has been with you.

830
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:12,560
Exactly.

831
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:13,560
When it's like, you've seen these patterns.

832
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:14,560
You know these patterns, right?

833
00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:15,560
Exactly.

834
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:17,640
And there's a reason that he ran for them from the first place.

835
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,680
And then I think about, again, my life when it comes to patterns.

836
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:25,880
I think, I say to myself, oh my goodness, I was told so many things when I was younger

837
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:29,280
and I said, I am never going to have that.

838
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:32,520
And I fell into it every single time.

839
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:35,600
And I always said, oh man, somebody can't be worse than the first one.

840
00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:37,440
I don't think it's like you fall into it.

841
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:46,320
I think it's that because of the whole, the trauma that men have and they don't open up

842
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:47,320
about it.

843
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:48,320
That's right.

844
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:50,800
It's not, I personally don't think it's women's faults.

845
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:52,520
Oh, hell no, it's not.

846
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:53,520
Right.

847
00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:54,720
But why are we going to blame them?

848
00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:57,560
When it's, to me, it's on them.

849
00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:58,560
Yeah.

850
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,360
Because again, they are men.

851
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:01,360
And they're told be men.

852
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:02,360
Yes.

853
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:03,360
They're told you can't speak about yourself.

854
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:04,360
Right.

855
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:05,360
Don't talk.

856
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:06,360
Don't express.

857
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,120
Don't confide in, don't nothing.

858
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:11,200
So then that's when, you know, you just said you fall into it.

859
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,240
I don't think it's we fall into it.

860
00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:19,520
I think it's that they don't realize that they have something good that they can confide

861
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:20,520
in, talk to.

862
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:21,520
Right.

863
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:25,640
No, they refuse and they just want to keep everything in and just keep it going.

864
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:26,640
And keep it going.

865
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:27,640
Yeah.

866
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,360
I know, and I'm going to be talking to my sister actually about this in a few episodes

867
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:35,720
too, but one of the things we talked about, me and her have talked about is how you can

868
00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:44,280
be raised in a household with other siblings and have completely different experiences.

869
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:45,720
Traumas completely different.

870
00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:47,320
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

871
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:50,160
Each child is raised different.

872
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:53,920
And you're like, and so what happens is then their relationships end up different as well.

873
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:54,920
Yes.

874
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:55,920
Oh, God.

875
00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:56,920
Yes.

876
00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:00,920
And so much of what we learn is completely different and how we take it into our future

877
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:02,520
relationships is different.

878
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:07,880
And I think, you know, we were told also very young, don't, you know, when it was that whole,

879
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:08,880
why are you crying?

880
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:09,880
I'll give you something to cry about.

881
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:10,880
Shut up.

882
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:11,880
Yeah.

883
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:12,880
You have no reason to cry.

884
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:13,880
So what'd you learn to do?

885
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:14,880
Right.

886
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:15,880
Stamp down your feelings.

887
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:16,880
You're not allowed to show emotion.

888
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:20,280
And so the second you feel comfortable with enough with a man to show emotion, if they're

889
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:24,960
told their whole life not to show emotion or to man up or be a man or whatever it is,

890
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:25,960
now you look crazy.

891
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:26,960
Yes.

892
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,520
When it takes them to the point that now they've lost their damn minds because they

893
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:32,960
don't know how to react to a woman showing her feelings.

894
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:34,440
It's the woman's fault.

895
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,400
So see, you grew up with your sister.

896
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:37,400
Yeah.

897
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,400
Okay.

898
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:39,400
I grew up with two brothers.

899
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:40,400
Yes, you did.

900
00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:44,200
So you could imagine how that goes and you just said it.

901
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:47,760
My brothers would, you know, whatever cry they got hurt or whatever.

902
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:48,760
It was always don't cry.

903
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:49,760
You're a man.

904
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:51,260
Toughen up.

905
00:37:51,260 --> 00:37:54,520
I would cry and it's like, okay, what's wrong?

906
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,160
Let me help you and blah, blah, blah.

907
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,360
But for the guys, no, you're fine.

908
00:37:58,360 --> 00:37:59,360
Get up.

909
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:04,200
And the other thing would be the boys would be on video games or whatever.

910
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:06,480
And it would be like, D, you have to learn how to cook.

911
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:07,480
I was just going to say it.

912
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:08,760
Because you're going to be married one day.

913
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:09,760
Yep.

914
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:11,760
Come and learn how to make tortillas because you're going to have to.

915
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:12,760
Yep.

916
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,400
Come and learn how to wash dishes because you're going to get married one day and you're going

917
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:17,680
to have to have to do it.

918
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:19,560
But the guys were playing video games.

919
00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:20,560
Right.

920
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:22,160
I don't understand.

921
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:25,720
And that's a huge, and I think, oh my, and when you say that so much of that goes back

922
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:28,680
to me about first generation, first other generations.

923
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:30,440
Because my mom, yeah, she did the cooking and stuff.

924
00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:33,040
My dad did some, you know, my dad did cooking and stuff too.

925
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:34,160
And the laundry and all that kind of stuff.

926
00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:35,400
They did the stuff together and stuff.

927
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:39,800
My mom never said to me, like she was told to her, you got to do this for, because one

928
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:41,160
day you're going to be married.

929
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:42,160
It was, you need to learn this stuff.

930
00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:43,160
You need to learn this stuff.

931
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:44,160
Right.

932
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:45,680
But even then my mom was very OCD.

933
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,400
So there was a lot of things that I didn't learn till I was out the house because I had

934
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:49,400
to learn it for myself.

935
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:50,400
Other than like laundry and cleaning and stuff.

936
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:53,280
But like cooking, I taught myself and stuff like that.

937
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:59,440
But realistically, I think that that's a huge difference in that as well because I told

938
00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:02,960
my son, you know, and my son is six and a half.

939
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,520
And I tell him, you are going to learn.

940
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:09,680
I said, I know you see Natalie, my oldest daughter cooking and she does dishes and laundry

941
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,000
and cleaning.

942
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:12,000
And guess what?

943
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,160
He does his little chores.

944
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,560
And I say, just wait till you're older.

945
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:18,080
You're going to be cooking, cleaning, ironing, doing laundry.

946
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,160
You're going to be doing all that because guess what?

947
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:24,680
You may decide to be a husband one day and you are going to help your wife.

948
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,520
You are not going to be one of those men that is a kept man.

949
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,680
Listen, I said, I don't mind.

950
00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:30,680
I'll be a kept woman.

951
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,360
I have no problem with it.

952
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:35,600
I want to have my own identity.

953
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:36,600
I've worked my ass off.

954
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,960
I'm still trying to work to find out who I am after all these years.

955
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:45,880
Now we're talking four decades for me of survivor mode that I didn't realize I was in until recently.

956
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:50,400
You know, and so it's like trying to find out who I am in the grand scheme of things.

957
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:56,880
Now being basically a single mom and having to have a teenager and a little little one,

958
00:39:56,880 --> 00:40:02,240
you know, my spaghetti and my meatball, you know, I have to try to find ways to break

959
00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:03,560
those curses.

960
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:07,600
And one thing we talked about was our teenage daughters.

961
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:11,880
When I decided to get married the second time, that was it for me.

962
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,120
I said, I'm not getting divorced.

963
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:17,160
I've done it so badly the first time I said I refused.

964
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:19,840
And that's why I don't want to get married the second time to my current husband.

965
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:21,040
I didn't.

966
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:22,040
We never talked about it.

967
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:23,040
We were living together.

968
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:24,040
We were raising kids.

969
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:29,200
We were happy and love apparently, apparently.

970
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,000
But then as soon as we got married, everything fell to the wayside.

971
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:36,680
And I believe a lot of that was because at this point now he saw what he was used to.

972
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:38,280
And so well, now she's married to me.

973
00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:40,080
I'm going to go have my cake and eat it too.

974
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:41,080
Because she ain't going nowhere.

975
00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:42,080
Why is it okay?

976
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:43,080
Oh, it's not okay.

977
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:45,280
But once you get married, it's okay.

978
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:46,280
Yeah.

979
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:48,920
And that's because I think that's exactly what he was used to.

980
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,640
And not even consciously.

981
00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:52,640
Let's be realistic.

982
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:55,760
A lot of times these things happen for men and women.

983
00:40:55,760 --> 00:41:00,480
We do things without even consciously realizing that we're saying things.

984
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:05,440
I have said back in the beginning of our relationship, I have said I am not going to repeat the same

985
00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:07,000
patterns.

986
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:11,600
I am not going to accept less than anymore.

987
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:16,560
I expect that if my daughter is going to see another relationship, it is not going to be

988
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:17,560
abusive.

989
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,440
It is not going to be untrusting.

990
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:23,240
It is going to be a loving relationship because of everything she saw when she was younger.

991
00:41:23,240 --> 00:41:24,920
And that was, I felt that was my fault.

992
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:26,840
You take that mom guilt.

993
00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:28,560
You take that mom guilt.

994
00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,040
And that didn't end up happening.

995
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,560
This ended up being worse.

996
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:35,600
Now I do still love my husband.

997
00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:39,120
I still wonder sometimes, if and when anything will happen in the future.

998
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:41,120
But I can't focus now.

999
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:47,080
I can't focus on anything else but myself and my kids because there are traumas that

1000
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:48,440
we for ourselves have to heal.

1001
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:50,040
We can't heal other people.

1002
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:51,440
Very true.

1003
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:58,000
And I have spent so much time in my life trying to heal other people while I was still bleeding.

1004
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,640
And we shouldn't have to be healing other people.

1005
00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:02,960
But that's a race to think that we should.

1006
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:03,960
Right.

1007
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:04,960
Yeah.

1008
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:05,960
I get that.

1009
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:06,960
But why?

1010
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:07,960
That's a good question.

1011
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:08,960
Because we're women.

1012
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:09,960
Yeah.

1013
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:11,200
We're women and nurturers.

1014
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:12,480
I understand that.

1015
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:18,960
But a man has to grab his balls and be like, I want to better myself for my family.

1016
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:19,960
Oh, God, yes.

1017
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:23,200
I need to stop the trauma for my family.

1018
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:24,200
Right.

1019
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:26,240
I need to become a better person.

1020
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:27,240
But they don't.

1021
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:28,240
They don't.

1022
00:42:28,240 --> 00:42:29,240
They don't.

1023
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,240
They don't.

1024
00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:32,960
I don't know if it's because they rely on us, but they don't realize the damage that

1025
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:35,240
they're doing to us.

1026
00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:40,680
I read somewhere that, probably a meme that said they know the damage they did.

1027
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:45,000
They just don't care because they don't know how to care.

1028
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:46,000
Not that they don't love us.

1029
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:47,000
Right.

1030
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:48,000
Not that they don't want us best for us.

1031
00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:49,000
Right.

1032
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:55,320
But when I say they don't care, I mean that they feel, again, they being a universal term,

1033
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:57,280
but it's not for everybody.

1034
00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,320
That's where are they going to go?

1035
00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:00,320
Yes.

1036
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:01,320
Very true.

1037
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:03,120
Because they're raised to believe I am man.

1038
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:04,120
Yes.

1039
00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:05,560
I have everything to offer.

1040
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:06,560
Yes.

1041
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:10,640
And when that gets thrown up on its head, that's when they play around and decide to

1042
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:11,640
do their own thing.

1043
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:12,640
And that's what happened with us.

1044
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:13,640
Yes.

1045
00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:14,640
Us.

1046
00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:15,640
And again, I'm not necessarily saying us.

1047
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:19,760
I'm saying, you know, is the fact that everything I loved about you in the beginning became

1048
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:23,440
the reason I resented you because you made me feel less then.

1049
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:24,800
But I didn't make you feel less then.

1050
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:26,440
I was always who I was.

1051
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:30,440
You did not live up to the promises you made me.

1052
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:32,920
And because of that, it makes you feel less then.

1053
00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:33,920
It does.

1054
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:35,200
I mean, when it shouldn't.

1055
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:36,200
When it shouldn't.

1056
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:37,200
Right.

1057
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:38,200
When it shouldn't.

1058
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:42,080
Because not only are you already feeling horrible for what you're going through, and now you

1059
00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:49,360
want to, not consciously, but as I don't know, nurturing women that we are, we want

1060
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,200
to say, oh, what did I do?

1061
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:52,200
Did I do it?

1062
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:53,200
Right.

1063
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,200
Did I not do good enough?

1064
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:55,200
Should I try it harder?

1065
00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:57,040
What else could I have done?

1066
00:43:57,040 --> 00:43:58,520
Why are we sitting here questioning ourselves?

1067
00:43:58,520 --> 00:43:59,520
Right.

1068
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,120
It's because we're ingrained to.

1069
00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:02,120
Yes.

1070
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:03,120
We're ingrained.

1071
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:04,120
It's very true.

1072
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:05,120
To question ourselves.

1073
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:12,040
We are ingrained over generation from generation to say, what did I do to cause this?

1074
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:16,480
And it takes a lot of work to realize not only can't you control somebody.

1075
00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:19,400
And again, when I say control, I don't mean I ever thought I could control somebody.

1076
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:20,400
Yeah, exactly.

1077
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:21,400
But you can't control the situation.

1078
00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:22,400
Right.

1079
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:25,840
You can't control if someone's going to do something, they are going to do it.

1080
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:26,840
Yeah.

1081
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:27,840
Regardless of.

1082
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,240
Regardless of the situation, regardless of how much you love them, support them.

1083
00:44:30,240 --> 00:44:31,400
You can love someone to death.

1084
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:34,680
You could be kissing their feet and if they are going to do something, they're going to

1085
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:35,680
do it.

1086
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:36,680
Yeah, exactly.

1087
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:41,080
You know, and a secure person wouldn't need to do those things.

1088
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:44,640
But generationally from men, it doesn't even matter either.

1089
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:45,640
No.

1090
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:46,640
It's okay.

1091
00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:47,640
It's okay.

1092
00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:48,640
Right.

1093
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:49,640
And it shouldn't be.

1094
00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:51,280
And it's like, well, why are you questioning him?

1095
00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:52,280
Yes.

1096
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:53,760
Let him go do what he wants to do.

1097
00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:56,920
And as long as he comes home back to you, as long as your kids are taking care of your

1098
00:44:56,920 --> 00:44:58,840
bills are paid, who cares?

1099
00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:03,920
That is one of the biggest annoyances that I think I have in this, in our culture.

1100
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:04,920
Yeah.

1101
00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:09,960
Is that it's okay for a man to do whatever and whoever he wants.

1102
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:11,960
And whoever those facts.

1103
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:12,960
Yeah.

1104
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:14,760
If, oh, and he's the man.

1105
00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:15,760
And a man.

1106
00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:16,760
Amen.

1107
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:20,640
Yet if I go and do it, I am everything under the sun.

1108
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:21,640
Yeah, that's right.

1109
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,480
Every single name possible.

1110
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:24,480
That's right.

1111
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:25,840
And I am to blame.

1112
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:26,840
Yeah.

1113
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:30,120
But you don't even know half of what's going on.

1114
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:31,120
Right.

1115
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:34,640
So how is it that we get judged, but they celebrate them.

1116
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:35,640
Right.

1117
00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:37,880
And is that continuous enablement?

1118
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:41,400
And see here's someone say to you, oh, I'm not defending his actions.

1119
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:42,400
Yeah, you are.

1120
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:43,400
Yeah.

1121
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:44,400
Yeah, you are.

1122
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:45,400
Yeah.

1123
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:48,640
Because you're looking someone else in the face and literally saying he had nothing to

1124
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:49,640
do with this.

1125
00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:53,120
He acted out because he was depressed and he was depressed because he was a woman that

1126
00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:55,040
wasn't nice enough to him.

1127
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:56,040
Wasn't nice enough.

1128
00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:57,040
That's insane.

1129
00:45:57,040 --> 00:46:00,320
And I'm like, OK, could I have kissed feet more?

1130
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:01,320
Right.

1131
00:46:01,320 --> 00:46:02,320
What was I what else was I supposed to do?

1132
00:46:02,320 --> 00:46:04,640
And this is where it starts again.

1133
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:06,840
You start feeling it.

1134
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:07,840
What was I supposed to do?

1135
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:08,840
What was I supposed to do?

1136
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:09,840
Right.

1137
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:10,840
And it just keeps going.

1138
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:15,800
And it took me a year of therapy to finally say, wow, it didn't matter what I did.

1139
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:23,840
I think for me, again, being married 20 years, what made me open my eyes and again, it's

1140
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:24,840
not perfect.

1141
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:28,840
It's not up and it's up and down was the comment that I told you.

1142
00:46:28,840 --> 00:46:35,640
Jasmine said, yes, was she came up to me one day again, having a bad day.

1143
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:39,520
And she said, mom, I do not want the relationship that you and dad had.

1144
00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:40,520
It gives me chills.

1145
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:41,520
Having right now.

1146
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,040
It gives me chills every time I think about it.

1147
00:46:43,040 --> 00:46:47,000
When you told me that, I told you, I still that stays in my head.

1148
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:48,640
Oh, it's it's in my head.

1149
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:53,480
And even though I mean that right there was an eye opener and it's like, OK, what are

1150
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:54,480
we doing?

1151
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:57,880
Yeah, obviously, I mean, kids are older.

1152
00:46:57,880 --> 00:46:58,880
I get it.

1153
00:46:58,880 --> 00:46:59,880
They pick up on things.

1154
00:46:59,880 --> 00:47:03,040
But for her to say that comment to me was like, she was that in the heart.

1155
00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:06,280
Yeah, it was worse than what I'm what I was going through.

1156
00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:07,280
Yeah.

1157
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:08,280
In the marriage.

1158
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:11,800
So then that's when I said, you know what, I'm not going to let this happen.

1159
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:18,160
So again, trying to stop this trauma, trying to stop it from going to the next generation

1160
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:21,320
is when I said, OK, I talked to the husband.

1161
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:25,280
I'm like, what are we doing? Because obviously we're doing something wrong.

1162
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:26,280
Yeah.

1163
00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:31,360
And for her to say that at 16 years old, that's an issue.

1164
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,000
And that's such an eye opener.

1165
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:34,000
Yeah, of course.

1166
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:38,280
You know, we forget that our kids are little people because we were young.

1167
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:39,280
We weren't taught.

1168
00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:41,880
We weren't respected or told to go to the room.

1169
00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:44,320
Yeah, we were not thought of or respected as people.

1170
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:45,320
It was go away.

1171
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,240
And I don't care what you feel.

1172
00:47:47,240 --> 00:47:48,480
And you don't know nothing.

1173
00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:50,320
You don't understand what you're feeling.

1174
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:52,760
We are so part of what we're raised.

1175
00:47:52,760 --> 00:47:54,920
And again, this is straight through the generations.

1176
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:59,560
It is so engulfing this generational trauma because we are told to not trust ourselves.

1177
00:47:59,560 --> 00:48:04,520
We are told as children, we have to look for outside validation to tell us what we feel.

1178
00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:07,080
So my parents looking at me and saying, hey, you don't feel nothing.

1179
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:08,080
Yeah.

1180
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:09,080
I go to the room.

1181
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:10,080
You're fine.

1182
00:48:10,080 --> 00:48:11,080
Yeah.

1183
00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:12,080
My brain is going, oh, I guess I am fine.

1184
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:14,200
When my body is saying, no, you're not.

1185
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:17,960
And you're adding more to what you already have that you can't express.

1186
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:18,960
That you can't express.

1187
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:23,520
So now you tamp this down and this comes out in so many different forms throughout your

1188
00:48:23,520 --> 00:48:24,520
life.

1189
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:27,000
And our daughters are the same age.

1190
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:30,480
Natalie and Jasmine are the same age, about seven months apart.

1191
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:33,720
Maybe, oh God, maybe like four months apart actually, something like that.

1192
00:48:33,720 --> 00:48:39,800
But one thing that we've talked about myself and Diana is that it's really crazy how these

1193
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:41,080
kids seem.

1194
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:45,680
And I'll tell you, Diane, I have had this conversation with my therapist where she says, you should

1195
00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:49,400
be freaking so proud of yourself as a mother.

1196
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:50,400
And I said, why?

1197
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:52,920
And I'm telling you this too, because you're going to understand because you should feel

1198
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:53,920
the same way.

1199
00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:59,360
She says, because you broke a barrier that you did not have.

1200
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:05,040
You are now not only changing everything that, every thought that we were raised with, everything

1201
00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:06,920
that was ingrained in our head.

1202
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:11,080
You are now changing and having a different relationship with your daughter that you never

1203
00:49:11,080 --> 00:49:12,080
had with your mom.

1204
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:13,080
I never had with my mom.

1205
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:14,080
I never.

1206
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:15,080
Never.

1207
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:17,680
I never had with my mom the way that Jasmine talks to me.

1208
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:18,680
Exactly.

1209
00:49:18,680 --> 00:49:19,680
And I'm the same with Natalie.

1210
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:20,680
And I love it.

1211
00:49:20,680 --> 00:49:21,680
Yeah.

1212
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:23,000
Because I'm like, wow, okay, this is great.

1213
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:25,000
This is what I wish I would have had.

1214
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:27,000
Maybe my life would be different if I had.

1215
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:28,960
There will be different things, probably, sure.

1216
00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:31,120
So yeah, I completely agree.

1217
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:40,240
And I'm glad that it's taking our generation to try to stop previous generation and trauma.

1218
00:49:40,240 --> 00:49:42,040
And like I've told you before, I do worry.

1219
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:48,400
I worry very much about my son knowing that there's so much toxicity and so much generational

1220
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:50,720
trauma that can be passed on.

1221
00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:52,400
I mean, addiction could come from my side too.

1222
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:55,560
So I can't even say it's just going to come from another side, but it can come from my

1223
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:56,640
side too.

1224
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:59,680
But there are things you don't realize that you have to watch.

1225
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:04,000
When we were told so much of my anxiety started when I was a child and nobody knew what that

1226
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:05,000
was.

1227
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:06,560
It was basically like you're being dramatic.

1228
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:07,560
You're crazy.

1229
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:08,560
Because God forbid they took you to a doctor.

1230
00:50:08,560 --> 00:50:09,560
God forbid.

1231
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:10,560
Psychologists.

1232
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:11,560
Right.

1233
00:50:11,560 --> 00:50:13,200
And it was every medical doctor on the planet.

1234
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:14,200
She's fine.

1235
00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:15,200
She's making it up.

1236
00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:16,960
Maybe she's allergic to something.

1237
00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:17,960
Maybe she's allergic to something.

1238
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:20,560
Do you know for like 10 years I didn't eat an apple?

1239
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:21,560
Maybe the acid.

1240
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:22,560
Oh my God.

1241
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:23,560
No, I'm not exaggerating.

1242
00:50:23,560 --> 00:50:28,920
I was terrified to eat apples for about 10 years because they thought maybe the acid

1243
00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:31,840
of something I ate gave an allergic reaction.

1244
00:50:31,840 --> 00:50:37,080
This is what happens because nobody ever said maybe she just needs to talk to somebody.

1245
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:38,600
There's transitions going on in her life.

1246
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:39,920
But we can't talk to somebody.

1247
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:40,920
No.

1248
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:45,680
And the thing in, when did you see a psychologist or a therapist or anything?

1249
00:50:45,680 --> 00:50:48,680
When I finally got my own insurance in my 20s.

1250
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:49,840
I will be honest with you.

1251
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:54,520
I have never seen a psychologist or a psychiatrist or anything.

1252
00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:57,960
I'm not surprised because it's not, it's not spoke upon.

1253
00:50:57,960 --> 00:50:58,960
It's not and.

1254
00:50:58,960 --> 00:50:59,960
And it's not pushed.

1255
00:50:59,960 --> 00:51:00,960
No.

1256
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:03,360
And another marriage counseling.

1257
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:05,040
You said before that you did it.

1258
00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:06,040
Yeah.

1259
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:07,040
More than once.

1260
00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:08,040
You were lucky.

1261
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:13,640
I have not been able to have that because my husband doesn't believe in it.

1262
00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:14,640
Yeah.

1263
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:15,640
And again.

1264
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:19,040
My husband doesn't believe in talking to someone about our relationship.

1265
00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:20,040
Yeah.

1266
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:24,120
Well, obviously we need some help every once in a while because you're not talking to me.

1267
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:25,120
I'm not talking to you.

1268
00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:26,280
We're not getting anywhere.

1269
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:29,760
But it took our daughter as an alarm clock to wake us up.

1270
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:30,760
Yeah.

1271
00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:34,040
So now it's like, okay, let's get some counseling.

1272
00:51:34,040 --> 00:51:35,040
Yeah.

1273
00:51:35,040 --> 00:51:38,240
And it takes something like that, but why?

1274
00:51:38,240 --> 00:51:39,240
Right.

1275
00:51:39,240 --> 00:51:40,240
But you won't listen to me.

1276
00:51:40,240 --> 00:51:41,240
But you won't listen to me.

1277
00:51:41,240 --> 00:51:42,240
Oh.

1278
00:51:42,240 --> 00:51:43,240
And my needs.

1279
00:51:43,240 --> 00:51:44,240
That part.

1280
00:51:44,240 --> 00:51:45,240
And let's go get some help.

1281
00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:46,240
Yes.

1282
00:51:46,240 --> 00:51:47,240
Yeah.

1283
00:51:47,240 --> 00:51:51,120
So, I mean, I'm grateful, you know, that we're doing this, but why does it take some other

1284
00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:55,040
person's, okay, some other person, you know, whichever it may be, but this happened to

1285
00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:58,160
be my daughter to wake you up.

1286
00:51:58,160 --> 00:51:59,160
Yeah.

1287
00:51:59,160 --> 00:52:00,160
Why?

1288
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:01,160
It's, that's the scary part.

1289
00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:02,680
Am I not a validation here?

1290
00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:05,800
Like am I not important for you to listen to?

1291
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:06,800
No.

1292
00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:09,320
Because we were taught that you're just supposed to follow suit.

1293
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,680
If your husband says jump, it's how high?

1294
00:52:11,680 --> 00:52:12,680
Yes.

1295
00:52:12,680 --> 00:52:13,680
Unfortunately.

1296
00:52:13,680 --> 00:52:16,000
And like I said, I would not mind my husband to be a leader.

1297
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:17,000
Actually, I pray for that.

1298
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:19,400
I have, you know, you've seen my big factory wedding.

1299
00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:20,400
Yes.

1300
00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:21,600
What they say, the husband is the head.

1301
00:52:21,600 --> 00:52:22,600
Yes.

1302
00:52:22,600 --> 00:52:23,600
But the woman is the neck.

1303
00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:24,600
Yes.

1304
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:25,600
I'm okay with that.

1305
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:30,600
I would love to have a husband who would say, yes, lead this family and we work together

1306
00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:31,600
as partners.

1307
00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:32,600
Yes.

1308
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,680
I'm tired of being in my masculine.

1309
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:38,840
I've been working so hard to be in my feminine because I'm tired of that.

1310
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:39,840
It's exhausting.

1311
00:52:39,840 --> 00:52:42,840
But do you want, do you really want that?

1312
00:52:42,840 --> 00:52:43,840
I do.

1313
00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:50,200
Because in my house, my husband is a leader, but yet he will not budge on certain things.

1314
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:55,080
Well, that's why I think when I say that, I think to me it's a lot about that balance.

1315
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:56,080
Yeah.

1316
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:57,080
Right?

1317
00:52:57,080 --> 00:52:58,440
Like, yeah, be a leader, but understand I'm your partner.

1318
00:52:58,440 --> 00:52:59,440
We are partners.

1319
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:00,440
We are supporters.

1320
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:01,440
We listen to each other.

1321
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:03,880
You know, those things that in marriage counseling you're supposed to learn about.

1322
00:53:03,880 --> 00:53:06,840
You're supposed to practice, right?

1323
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:11,640
My experience in marriage counseling, both times, were men sitting there lying.

1324
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:12,640
Yeah.

1325
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:14,120
That's, again, mine.

1326
00:53:14,120 --> 00:53:15,120
Right.

1327
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:18,560
You know, were men sitting there there because, oh yeah, oh, I know I have to be here, but

1328
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:21,600
I'm just going to say what I need to say and keep it moving.

1329
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:24,920
You know, and make me think that you want to do the work, but you don't even know that

1330
00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:25,920
you're messed up to begin with.

1331
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:29,480
I know that we're messed up, but you think what I'm doing is normal.

1332
00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:30,720
When I say I, you know, I mean them.

1333
00:53:30,720 --> 00:53:31,720
Right.

1334
00:53:31,720 --> 00:53:32,720
What I'm doing is normal.

1335
00:53:32,720 --> 00:53:35,840
And I'm very quick to say I have my flaws.

1336
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:37,280
I'm not easy to live with.

1337
00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:39,640
I have shit that I'm dealing with and working through.

1338
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:40,640
We all do.

1339
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:41,640
Right.

1340
00:53:41,640 --> 00:53:47,440
And when it comes to my daughter, I've asked her before, I've said, do you need to speak

1341
00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:52,920
to me or to a counselor about what you've seen going on over the past year in this house?

1342
00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:54,080
You know, we live in close quarters.

1343
00:53:54,080 --> 00:53:55,640
It's hard for kids not to hear things.

1344
00:53:55,640 --> 00:53:56,640
Right.

1345
00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:57,640
Of course.

1346
00:53:57,640 --> 00:53:58,880
You know, it was brought into my home.

1347
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,520
So unfortunately, this is where we all live.

1348
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:02,520
They hear things.

1349
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:08,040
My little one has heard things that I feel terrible about, you know, that he's understood.

1350
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,200
And my daughter will look at me and go, no, I'm fine.

1351
00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:12,320
And I'm like, that's not normal.

1352
00:54:12,320 --> 00:54:13,320
Of course not.

1353
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:14,800
This is your mother and your father.

1354
00:54:14,800 --> 00:54:15,800
Really.

1355
00:54:15,800 --> 00:54:18,560
This is your mother and your father going through this, this thing.

1356
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:23,360
This is your mother being traumatized again in your little short lifetime.

1357
00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:26,760
This is your mother being traumatized again and you have no feelings toward it.

1358
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:28,240
Now that could be two things, right?

1359
00:54:28,240 --> 00:54:31,720
It could be, well, I'm leaving it to mom to deal with her business.

1360
00:54:31,720 --> 00:54:32,800
I'm living my life.

1361
00:54:32,800 --> 00:54:34,400
I'm doing my thing.

1362
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:37,520
Or it could be at this point, it is what it is.

1363
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:40,920
You know, at this point, I'm at this point, you know, whatever.

1364
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:42,600
And that scares me.

1365
00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:45,280
And what scares me is that one of two things can happen.

1366
00:54:45,280 --> 00:54:49,120
A pattern can be repeated no matter how much I try to break it.

1367
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,400
Or it'll be the complete opposite where she can't form a relationship at all.

1368
00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:56,480
And that part scares me because I always say, I don't want to be, feel responsible for my

1369
00:54:56,480 --> 00:55:01,840
daughter not having healthy relationships and realizing that there are healthy relationships.

1370
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,400
Healthy relationships are fights.

1371
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:04,400
There's arguments.

1372
00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:05,400
There's healthy separations.

1373
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:06,400
There are healthy separations.

1374
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:09,400
So people say, listen, we're married.

1375
00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:14,000
We got to separate and then figure ourselves out and then work ourselves together.

1376
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:15,600
Right now, that's not my situation.

1377
00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:17,800
I wish it would be.

1378
00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:20,400
But I don't know what that's going to look like, if that's going to look like anything,

1379
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:21,400
right?

1380
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:24,440
But I can't take responsibility anymore for another person, right?

1381
00:55:24,440 --> 00:55:25,440
Just myself.

1382
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:31,400
My biggest concern at this point is, yeah, my kids and my daughter's perception of relationships

1383
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:34,120
because I want to break that trauma.

1384
00:55:34,120 --> 00:55:36,040
I want to break that boundary.

1385
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:38,520
And that starts with being able to talk to me about it.

1386
00:55:38,520 --> 00:55:40,480
If you know you have a thing, talk to a counselor.

1387
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:41,720
You know, talk to things like that.

1388
00:55:41,720 --> 00:55:46,480
But does she know, because in us, it was engraved that, what counselor?

1389
00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:47,480
What help?

1390
00:55:47,480 --> 00:55:48,480
You don't need that.

1391
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:49,480
No way.

1392
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:50,480
That wasn't a thing.

1393
00:55:50,480 --> 00:55:53,240
Does she know that she can, that it's okay for her to go speak to somebody?

1394
00:55:53,240 --> 00:55:54,920
And I've done it before for years.

1395
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:55,920
I've been with her since she was little.

1396
00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:59,520
And when I slept with her father, because there was trauma there.

1397
00:55:59,520 --> 00:56:04,200
Then his second wife caused trauma to my daughter that I didn't know about.

1398
00:56:04,200 --> 00:56:09,280
And I, me and my daughter joke about it, that I think that she didn't tell me when she was

1399
00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:12,920
little certain things because she knows that mommy would have been in jail.

1400
00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:13,920
And I believe that.

1401
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:15,840
I think she was like, no, I can't end up with these people.

1402
00:56:15,840 --> 00:56:18,960
Mommy cannot go to jail because I probably would have.

1403
00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:21,120
You know, when you come see your kids, you're not thinking straight.

1404
00:56:21,120 --> 00:56:22,120
No, of course.

1405
00:56:22,120 --> 00:56:23,120
Not gonna.

1406
00:56:23,120 --> 00:56:24,120
You know, and you're not thinking straight.

1407
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:29,080
I would say though, with all due respect to my children's fathers, I always say there's

1408
00:56:29,080 --> 00:56:34,400
got to be a plan for my kids on this planet because the men that he sends me, you know,

1409
00:56:34,400 --> 00:56:39,800
and again, a lot of it is because people have, people really have genuine tendencies.

1410
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:43,840
You know, me and my husband really were in love, but you're not always in love all the

1411
00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:44,840
time.

1412
00:56:44,840 --> 00:56:47,200
If you're in love all the time, that's a, then you need surgery.

1413
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:48,200
That's a red flag.

1414
00:56:48,200 --> 00:56:51,120
Yeah, that's a red flag.

1415
00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:52,120
Sometimes you're like, please go away.

1416
00:56:52,120 --> 00:56:53,120
Yes.

1417
00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:54,120
I can't stand you right now.

1418
00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:56,920
But marriage is not a, you know, marriage is a commitment.

1419
00:56:56,920 --> 00:57:03,640
It's like, okay, now I do not, if there is abuse, every kind of abuse run as far and

1420
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:05,720
as fast as possible.

1421
00:57:05,720 --> 00:57:09,600
Find someone to help you run, save your money, do whatever you got to do.

1422
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:11,640
Never, ever, ever, ever say an abusive relationship.

1423
00:57:11,640 --> 00:57:17,600
My relationship has been abusive in its own way and it took me a long time to realize that

1424
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:18,600
now.

1425
00:57:18,600 --> 00:57:22,720
And that's going to take work if it even again gets to that point.

1426
00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:26,800
But the problem with that is when people don't see it as abuse, we're raised not to see it

1427
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:28,600
as abuse, but it is.

1428
00:57:28,600 --> 00:57:29,600
It is.

1429
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:30,600
Yes.

1430
00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:36,640
When a man of any kind is abusing you, whether it's physically, mentally, emotionally, financially,

1431
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:37,640
that is abuse.

1432
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:41,480
When you don't feel safe and you are living in survivor mode and your man is out doing

1433
00:57:41,480 --> 00:57:45,080
whatever the hell he's doing and then comes back to your bed, kissing on you when he was

1434
00:57:45,080 --> 00:57:48,000
out doing God knows what, that is abuse.

1435
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:50,280
I mean, that could kill you physically nowadays.

1436
00:57:50,280 --> 00:57:51,280
That could kill you.

1437
00:57:51,280 --> 00:57:52,280
No, no, definitely.

1438
00:57:52,280 --> 00:57:53,280
Yeah.

1439
00:57:53,280 --> 00:58:00,000
You know, and I think that it's so important that we break those boundaries for our children

1440
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:01,840
and our children and our future generations.

1441
00:58:01,840 --> 00:58:04,800
And one way is seeking professional help.

1442
00:58:04,800 --> 00:58:05,800
Yeah, definitely.

1443
00:58:05,800 --> 00:58:07,880
No matter what that looks like.

1444
00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:08,880
It could be a priest.

1445
00:58:08,880 --> 00:58:10,280
It could be a rabbi.

1446
00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:11,840
It could be a preacher.

1447
00:58:11,840 --> 00:58:14,640
It could be, you know, make sure that you can trust them as well because you know, there's

1448
00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:15,640
creepy people out there.

1449
00:58:15,640 --> 00:58:16,640
And emphasis on professional.

1450
00:58:16,640 --> 00:58:17,640
Professional.

1451
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:18,800
Not family members.

1452
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:19,800
Right.

1453
00:58:19,800 --> 00:58:25,080
And you guys, again, like I said earlier, they will either listen to what you have to

1454
00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:26,640
say and be like, oh, you're fine.

1455
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:27,640
Yep.

1456
00:58:27,640 --> 00:58:28,640
Or blame you.

1457
00:58:28,640 --> 00:58:29,640
Or blame you.

1458
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:30,960
So definitely professional help.

1459
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:31,960
Yeah.

1460
00:58:31,960 --> 00:58:35,800
And you're, and let me tell you, there have been times with my family that they have been

1461
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:40,920
so angry over the last year of what's happened, especially because they trusted a lot and

1462
00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:44,320
trusted my heart with this person.

1463
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:50,560
And they have been so angry, but my family's never disrespected from my own volition.

1464
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:53,320
I have said, just don't.

1465
00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:57,400
And he's been able to be around my family without disrespect.

1466
00:58:57,400 --> 00:58:59,200
I can't say the same.

1467
00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:01,400
Now no love lost.

1468
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:02,400
I care.

1469
00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:03,640
I don't wish anybody harm.

1470
00:59:03,640 --> 00:59:06,240
They're, you know, these are my son's family.

1471
00:59:06,240 --> 00:59:07,240
I love them.

1472
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:11,680
They've always been good to me and my daughter, my daughter specifically as well.

1473
00:59:11,680 --> 00:59:16,800
But there is that feeling of there's no, that fact that you're never going to have any closure

1474
00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:17,800
in there.

1475
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:21,760
And I'm like, you're able to be comfortable around my family after what you did to me.

1476
00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:24,360
You're able to be like, Hey, pops, my dad.

1477
00:59:24,360 --> 00:59:28,520
And, you know, and there are times even though like I've gone and I've used them as sounding

1478
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:29,520
boards, right?

1479
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:31,520
Not necessarily for advice.

1480
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:36,640
There are times I've almost wished that they would just look at him, shake him, scream at

1481
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:37,640
him.

1482
00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:38,640
Yeah, something.

1483
00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:39,640
Something.

1484
00:59:39,640 --> 00:59:40,640
Wake the f up.

1485
00:59:40,640 --> 00:59:43,520
I mean, what are you doing to an amazing effing woman?

1486
00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:44,760
A woman you know is amazing.

1487
00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:46,120
You've said it yourself.

1488
00:59:46,120 --> 00:59:47,120
What are you doing?

1489
00:59:47,120 --> 00:59:48,120
Right?

1490
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:49,120
But what good would that do?

1491
00:59:49,120 --> 00:59:50,120
Yeah, absolutely nothing.

1492
00:59:50,120 --> 00:59:51,120
Nothing.

1493
00:59:51,120 --> 00:59:52,120
Nothing.

1494
00:59:52,120 --> 00:59:55,040
So it's like part of me says, I want someone else to scream at him for once.

1495
00:59:55,040 --> 00:59:58,280
And the other side says, it's not going to make any difference, right?

1496
00:59:58,280 --> 01:00:03,440
And all that energy being expelled over something that you know, someone is only going to fix

1497
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:06,160
themselves if they want to.

1498
01:00:06,160 --> 01:00:07,760
And professional help is the only way.

1499
01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:13,040
And for some reason for us in the colored community, not just the Latino community,

1500
01:00:13,040 --> 01:00:14,040
it is such a stigma.

1501
01:00:14,040 --> 01:00:18,440
I don't understand why you are not allowed to talk to your business to anybody.

1502
01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:20,120
God forbid you say something.

1503
01:00:20,120 --> 01:00:23,880
This right now is going to put half the people that listen to it.

1504
01:00:23,880 --> 01:00:29,240
I could just because you just said something that your family, I guess your family knows

1505
01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:33,520
or is the people that the people that are closest to me know the detail.

1506
01:00:33,520 --> 01:00:37,000
No detail where I'm putting this out there for the very first time.

1507
01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:38,000
Yes.

1508
01:00:38,000 --> 01:00:39,000
Yeah.

1509
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:44,280
Because again, I don't know if it's a cultural thing or a Central American thing.

1510
01:00:44,280 --> 01:00:45,520
There are parts of it that are different.

1511
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:46,520
Yes.

1512
01:00:46,520 --> 01:00:48,000
Because I feel like I can't.

1513
01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,000
Yeah.

1514
01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:52,040
I feel like like I'm going to get blamed at.

1515
01:00:52,040 --> 01:00:53,040
Yeah.

1516
01:00:53,040 --> 01:00:54,040
Oh yeah.

1517
01:00:54,040 --> 01:00:55,040
Completely stigmatized.

1518
01:00:55,040 --> 01:00:56,040
Or I feel like I shouldn't be talking.

1519
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:57,040
Right.

1520
01:00:57,040 --> 01:00:58,040
Right.

1521
01:00:58,040 --> 01:01:02,600
It's so yeah, I think I might feel it, but I'm glad that you were able to find at least

1522
01:01:02,600 --> 01:01:08,320
some people in your family that you've talked to unfortunately, whereas I feel like I can't.

1523
01:01:08,320 --> 01:01:10,400
But now you're seeking that professional help.

1524
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:11,400
Yeah.

1525
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:12,400
And that is huge.

1526
01:01:12,400 --> 01:01:13,400
Yeah.

1527
01:01:13,400 --> 01:01:15,720
Because even if you don't have a specific support system.

1528
01:01:15,720 --> 01:01:16,720
Yeah.

1529
01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:18,120
You also have the family in your house.

1530
01:01:18,120 --> 01:01:19,120
Oh yeah.

1531
01:01:19,120 --> 01:01:20,280
That's the most important.

1532
01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:21,280
Yeah.

1533
01:01:21,280 --> 01:01:22,280
Right.

1534
01:01:22,280 --> 01:01:26,680
And seeking that professional help is should never be stigmatized, but you're right.

1535
01:01:26,680 --> 01:01:27,680
Professional.

1536
01:01:27,680 --> 01:01:28,680
Someone who knows what they're talking about.

1537
01:01:28,680 --> 01:01:30,480
And by the way, not one size fits all.

1538
01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:31,480
Correct.

1539
01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:32,480
Oh my goodness.

1540
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:36,200
I've had people, my daughters had different people that were like, we just don't gel with.

1541
01:01:36,200 --> 01:01:37,200
Yeah, it happens.

1542
01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:38,200
Yeah.

1543
01:01:38,200 --> 01:01:43,120
You're not comfortable with or they can't make you feel comfortable enough to open up.

1544
01:01:43,120 --> 01:01:48,080
When I tell you that when I was in my 20s and I decided to go, it was even started before

1545
01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:52,200
I got pregnant with my daughter and before I would, way before I was married.

1546
01:01:52,200 --> 01:01:55,000
And up until through my wedding, I had a therapist.

1547
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:56,760
I had tons of people, family members.

1548
01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:59,680
I had a co-worker who says, are you sure you want to marry him?

1549
01:01:59,680 --> 01:02:00,680
No.

1550
01:02:00,680 --> 01:02:04,160
I know, did ask and I thought, well, what else would I do?

1551
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:05,160
Right.

1552
01:02:05,160 --> 01:02:06,160
We have a kid together, we live together.

1553
01:02:06,160 --> 01:02:07,160
It's the best next step.

1554
01:02:07,160 --> 01:02:10,200
We've been together six years on and off, on and off, you know.

1555
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:13,760
I did so a few wild oats here and there, you know, my early 20s.

1556
01:02:13,760 --> 01:02:18,040
But in that moment, it felt like, okay, this is the next best step.

1557
01:02:18,040 --> 01:02:20,880
Don't understand why we do that.

1558
01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:21,880
Right.

1559
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:22,880
And that's, yeah.

1560
01:02:22,880 --> 01:02:23,880
Why?

1561
01:02:23,880 --> 01:02:24,880
Right.

1562
01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:28,360
Especially for women that were abused in their marriages too.

1563
01:02:28,360 --> 01:02:29,360
Right.

1564
01:02:29,360 --> 01:02:34,280
And for somebody who just went through awful things, you're going to put me in a situation

1565
01:02:34,280 --> 01:02:36,240
that I don't want to be in.

1566
01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:37,240
Right.

1567
01:02:37,240 --> 01:02:38,920
Because we have to.

1568
01:02:38,920 --> 01:02:40,920
Because of looks, the way it looks.

1569
01:02:40,920 --> 01:02:44,080
Because of what people are going to say, because if I don't do it, what that's going

1570
01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:46,120
to do to the family name.

1571
01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:47,560
That's ridiculous to me.

1572
01:02:47,560 --> 01:02:49,640
My dad looked at me and said, oh, there are secrets in this family.

1573
01:02:49,640 --> 01:02:50,640
God knows.

1574
01:02:50,640 --> 01:02:51,640
I was like, I don't want to know.

1575
01:02:51,640 --> 01:02:52,640
I don't want to know.

1576
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:53,640
I don't want to know.

1577
01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:56,560
And apparently no one else wanted us to know either.

1578
01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:58,040
Because it's not stuff that people talk about.

1579
01:02:58,040 --> 01:02:59,760
I said, all the other stuff people talk about.

1580
01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:03,200
I was like, but the stuff that might actually have been passed on from generation to generation

1581
01:03:03,200 --> 01:03:04,880
that could have screwed me the hell up.

1582
01:03:04,880 --> 01:03:08,520
I was like, it's not what you want to talk about.

1583
01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:12,160
It's quite an irony is what it really is.

1584
01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:13,160
Big one.

1585
01:03:13,160 --> 01:03:14,160
Yeah.

1586
01:03:14,160 --> 01:03:15,160
It is unbelievable.

1587
01:03:15,160 --> 01:03:17,920
Because you're sitting here trying to break the cycle.

1588
01:03:17,920 --> 01:03:21,120
Yet you're kind of forced back into it.

1589
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:25,360
By the people who I just don't understand.

1590
01:03:25,360 --> 01:03:27,680
But that's why it's cyclical.

1591
01:03:27,680 --> 01:03:30,920
That's why they never end until you finally take.

1592
01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:34,200
And I don't know if now it's because of social media.

1593
01:03:34,200 --> 01:03:40,520
I don't know if it's because people have more people to feel they can reach out to.

1594
01:03:40,520 --> 01:03:41,520
Professional or not.

1595
01:03:41,520 --> 01:03:43,480
We know, again, professional help is the best way to go.

1596
01:03:43,480 --> 01:03:46,680
But there are people that, you know, people feel on social media and TikToks, oh, this

1597
01:03:46,680 --> 01:03:47,680
person put this meme up.

1598
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:51,160
You know, many times that that damn algorithm, let me tell you, it's worked real hard for

1599
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:54,800
me because I will sit there for hours thinking, oh, I am the best.

1600
01:03:54,800 --> 01:03:55,800
I will repost them.

1601
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:56,800
Oh, that's right.

1602
01:03:56,800 --> 01:03:57,800
I will repost them.

1603
01:03:57,800 --> 01:03:59,360
I am, I am, mama, hear me roar.

1604
01:03:59,360 --> 01:04:03,000
Like, oh, this, you know, and because it makes, sometimes it's because it makes me feel better

1605
01:04:03,000 --> 01:04:04,000
other times.

1606
01:04:04,000 --> 01:04:05,160
Cause I'm like, yo, this is for real.

1607
01:04:05,160 --> 01:04:06,320
And this could help somebody.

1608
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:07,320
Right.

1609
01:04:07,320 --> 01:04:08,320
Yes.

1610
01:04:08,320 --> 01:04:10,920
Because people, we feel so alone in these things.

1611
01:04:10,920 --> 01:04:14,560
The shame that came and the shame of me talking about it.

1612
01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:17,320
And I probably will never go into details, but the shame of me even feeling like I could

1613
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:18,480
talk about it is a lot.

1614
01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:19,560
I'm horrified talking about it.

1615
01:04:19,560 --> 01:04:21,600
I'm horrified to know these things happened in my household.

1616
01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:22,600
Yeah.

1617
01:04:22,600 --> 01:04:23,600
Right.

1618
01:04:23,600 --> 01:04:24,600
Because then I go as well.

1619
01:04:24,600 --> 01:04:26,280
Well, what happens if I decide to work it out with my husband?

1620
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:27,280
Now what do I look like?

1621
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:28,880
At the end of the day, that's your choice.

1622
01:04:28,880 --> 01:04:29,880
Right.

1623
01:04:29,880 --> 01:04:34,520
Whatever you do, even if you told somebody every little detail at the end of the day,

1624
01:04:34,520 --> 01:04:39,200
if you decide to work it out and the person you told everything to, they, they take it

1625
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:42,480
however they want to take it, that shouldn't worry you.

1626
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:46,520
And the, but you know what it is again, is that ingrained idea that you put your shit

1627
01:04:46,520 --> 01:04:47,520
out there.

1628
01:04:47,520 --> 01:04:51,080
Now you got to, now you got to do whatever backlash is going to come at you.

1629
01:04:51,080 --> 01:04:53,880
We are going to get some side eyes if you ever go into a picnic.

1630
01:04:53,880 --> 01:04:58,480
Goodness and right when this, when good weather's coming in there and the birthdays are coming.

1631
01:04:58,480 --> 01:05:00,480
Don't worry honey, I'm not going to be invited.

1632
01:05:00,480 --> 01:05:01,480
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

1633
01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:02,480
I'm not invited.

1634
01:05:02,480 --> 01:05:03,480
But either, your house.

1635
01:05:03,480 --> 01:05:04,480
Yeah, there you are.

1636
01:05:04,480 --> 01:05:05,480
Your house.

1637
01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:06,480
That's right.

1638
01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:07,480
Yeah, good house.

1639
01:05:07,480 --> 01:05:10,480
I'm sitting in the corner with my kids.

1640
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:11,480
Oh, you're not.

1641
01:05:11,480 --> 01:05:12,480
I'm just kidding.

1642
01:05:12,480 --> 01:05:15,480
Kind of, you know, those things, I don't, I've gotten to the point in my life at this

1643
01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:17,080
point too, using this.

1644
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:18,080
Yes.

1645
01:05:18,080 --> 01:05:24,080
I'm going to use this as a way to speak my truth because I know that it's going to help

1646
01:05:24,080 --> 01:05:25,080
other people.

1647
01:05:25,080 --> 01:05:26,580
And that's, that's the important part.

1648
01:05:26,580 --> 01:05:31,080
Even if it reaches one other person, it is going to help other people know that holy

1649
01:05:31,080 --> 01:05:35,920
crap, this is happening in really fairly normal looking homes.

1650
01:05:35,920 --> 01:05:37,360
Do you want me to tell you something?

1651
01:05:37,360 --> 01:05:38,360
Yeah.

1652
01:05:38,360 --> 01:05:41,920
When we started talking about everything that's been going on, you were the first person

1653
01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:43,720
I told what was going on in my house.

1654
01:05:43,720 --> 01:05:44,720
It's amazing.

1655
01:05:44,720 --> 01:05:46,360
I don't know.

1656
01:05:46,360 --> 01:05:50,560
And it's weird because we have a relationship, but it's not like, you know, hey, Teresa,

1657
01:05:50,560 --> 01:05:51,560
every day, right?

1658
01:05:51,560 --> 01:05:52,560
Yes.

1659
01:05:52,560 --> 01:05:53,560
It's not like that.

1660
01:05:53,560 --> 01:05:54,560
We don't talk every day.

1661
01:05:54,560 --> 01:05:55,560
Right.

1662
01:05:55,560 --> 01:05:59,560
But the moment we started talking and we started about everything that we, we, you were going

1663
01:05:59,560 --> 01:06:02,560
through, I just felt so relieved.

1664
01:06:02,560 --> 01:06:03,560
Me too.

1665
01:06:03,560 --> 01:06:08,040
Maybe that I'm not the only one that goes through stuff that I told you.

1666
01:06:08,040 --> 01:06:09,040
Yeah.

1667
01:06:09,040 --> 01:06:13,680
And I just, it just, and now you see, you know, we have more in common than we know.

1668
01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:17,640
And you were such, and this is going to, this is a weird word to use.

1669
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:18,840
I'm going to say comfort.

1670
01:06:18,840 --> 01:06:22,960
And the reason I say it's a weird word to use because the information you gave me wasn't

1671
01:06:22,960 --> 01:06:23,960
good information.

1672
01:06:23,960 --> 01:06:24,960
Yeah.

1673
01:06:24,960 --> 01:06:28,360
It wasn't like, it was like, oh, I feel great now.

1674
01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:29,360
Right.

1675
01:06:29,360 --> 01:06:32,600
But it made me realize that I wasn't imagining stuff.

1676
01:06:32,600 --> 01:06:33,600
Okay.

1677
01:06:33,600 --> 01:06:34,600
I wasn't making stuff up.

1678
01:06:34,600 --> 01:06:37,440
I wasn't just that I made up a whole scenario in my head.

1679
01:06:37,440 --> 01:06:38,560
It was holy crap.

1680
01:06:38,560 --> 01:06:39,800
This is really happening.

1681
01:06:39,800 --> 01:06:40,800
Yes.

1682
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:42,440
And it didn't start with me.

1683
01:06:42,440 --> 01:06:43,440
Of course not.

1684
01:06:43,440 --> 01:06:49,080
And for so long as much as I struggled and I knew, I knew on the lower level that this

1685
01:06:49,080 --> 01:06:53,160
really didn't start with me, you still will question everything about yourself.

1686
01:06:53,160 --> 01:06:54,560
Oh my God, I gained weight during COVID.

1687
01:06:54,560 --> 01:06:55,560
Am I too fat?

1688
01:06:55,560 --> 01:06:57,360
Oh my God, am I too much of a bitch?

1689
01:06:57,360 --> 01:07:00,280
Oh my God, am I asking too much?

1690
01:07:00,280 --> 01:07:04,240
Am I irrational for asking my husband to be home at a certain time?

1691
01:07:04,240 --> 01:07:08,200
Am I irrational for wanting a partner to love me the right way?

1692
01:07:08,200 --> 01:07:11,200
But you know, you can't love somebody if you don't love yourself.

1693
01:07:11,200 --> 01:07:13,360
And that is something we were never, we weren't really taught.

1694
01:07:13,360 --> 01:07:14,360
No.

1695
01:07:14,360 --> 01:07:15,360
And I'm not sure.

1696
01:07:15,360 --> 01:07:20,400
The minute you get married, you're told that you are a wife.

1697
01:07:20,400 --> 01:07:21,400
Yeah.

1698
01:07:21,400 --> 01:07:22,400
Then you become a mom.

1699
01:07:22,400 --> 01:07:23,400
You are a mom.

1700
01:07:23,400 --> 01:07:24,400
You are a mom.

1701
01:07:24,400 --> 01:07:25,400
And yeah, you forget who you are.

1702
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:26,800
You forget to love yourself.

1703
01:07:26,800 --> 01:07:29,280
You forget to be your person.

1704
01:07:29,280 --> 01:07:30,280
Yeah.

1705
01:07:30,280 --> 01:07:32,560
And that's so hard to come back from.

1706
01:07:32,560 --> 01:07:34,160
Because we change every seven years cellularly.

1707
01:07:34,160 --> 01:07:38,080
Anyway, we're a completely different person every seven years, which is ironic because

1708
01:07:38,080 --> 01:07:39,080
you know what?

1709
01:07:39,080 --> 01:07:41,360
When I found out about shit, it was around seven years.

1710
01:07:41,360 --> 01:07:47,000
And I'm like, oh my God, I literally am cellularly different than I was seven years before.

1711
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,840
But it wasn't the good difference that I would have.

1712
01:07:49,840 --> 01:07:51,120
It wasn't the growth I wanted.

1713
01:07:51,120 --> 01:07:58,480
It was 17 steps back and 15 jumps down a hill and 17 under the gravel and down in the trenches.

1714
01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:02,320
You know, we're like 17 piles of gunk over my head.

1715
01:08:02,320 --> 01:08:06,920
But I can laugh about it now because I have been doing the growth and you have been doing

1716
01:08:06,920 --> 01:08:07,920
the growth.

1717
01:08:07,920 --> 01:08:08,920
Yes.

1718
01:08:08,920 --> 01:08:13,080
And that's going to mean spades for our kids.

1719
01:08:13,080 --> 01:08:15,200
And that's why I think we got to watch them.

1720
01:08:15,200 --> 01:08:16,200
Yeah.

1721
01:08:16,200 --> 01:08:17,200
We got to watch them.

1722
01:08:17,200 --> 01:08:21,800
But we always have to make sure that they are not picking up what we are going through.

1723
01:08:21,800 --> 01:08:22,960
Yes.

1724
01:08:22,960 --> 01:08:24,480
Because that's obviously not.

1725
01:08:24,480 --> 01:08:26,320
I'm trying to break it now.

1726
01:08:26,320 --> 01:08:27,320
Yeah.

1727
01:08:27,320 --> 01:08:30,560
I look at my daughter now and I go, listen, I know you're going to, I know you don't want

1728
01:08:30,560 --> 01:08:34,080
to hear it right now, but I'll take the headphone out for a second and listen to mommy for two

1729
01:08:34,080 --> 01:08:35,080
minutes.

1730
01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:38,000
Listen, I'm like, have your career.

1731
01:08:38,000 --> 01:08:39,000
You graduate.

1732
01:08:39,000 --> 01:08:40,000
Have your own place.

1733
01:08:40,000 --> 01:08:41,000
Yes.

1734
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:42,000
Have a nest egg.

1735
01:08:42,000 --> 01:08:43,000
Have a emergency fund.

1736
01:08:43,000 --> 01:08:44,560
Have your money.

1737
01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:47,080
Never put nothing in your name for anybody else.

1738
01:08:47,080 --> 01:08:48,640
Never take out loans for anybody else.

1739
01:08:48,640 --> 01:08:50,480
Never, I said, have yours.

1740
01:08:50,480 --> 01:08:54,640
I said that way when you are in a relationship, you know what's yours.

1741
01:08:54,640 --> 01:08:55,920
You know what's his.

1742
01:08:55,920 --> 01:08:58,240
And then you can figure out little things together.

1743
01:08:58,240 --> 01:09:03,200
I said, I gave so much of so much of myself because I was never told not to.

1744
01:09:03,200 --> 01:09:05,880
And that is really dangerous.

1745
01:09:05,880 --> 01:09:06,880
It is.

1746
01:09:06,880 --> 01:09:09,680
And because of what happens then you become the giver, the giver, the giver, and it becomes

1747
01:09:09,680 --> 01:09:11,280
expected of you.

1748
01:09:11,280 --> 01:09:16,320
And then when something like what's going on in our lives happens, where are we?

1749
01:09:16,320 --> 01:09:17,320
Right.

1750
01:09:17,320 --> 01:09:18,320
We're stuck.

1751
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:19,320
We're stuck with all of it.

1752
01:09:19,320 --> 01:09:20,320
Yes.

1753
01:09:20,320 --> 01:09:23,400
The ramifications of all of it, they get so say, okay, walk away.

1754
01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:24,400
Exactly.

1755
01:09:24,400 --> 01:09:25,400
And you're like, what do I do now?

1756
01:09:25,400 --> 01:09:27,640
Now I have to figure out how to live.

1757
01:09:27,640 --> 01:09:28,640
Correct.

1758
01:09:28,640 --> 01:09:33,440
How to take care of myself and the kids by the way that I didn't lay down and make myself.

1759
01:09:33,440 --> 01:09:34,440
Yep.

1760
01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:35,440
Very true.

1761
01:09:35,440 --> 01:09:37,240
That was the case.

1762
01:09:37,240 --> 01:09:38,240
I would have.

1763
01:09:38,240 --> 01:09:39,240
That was the case.

1764
01:09:39,240 --> 01:09:40,240
I would have.

1765
01:09:40,240 --> 01:09:43,960
But it's very true that we unfortunately get screwed.

1766
01:09:43,960 --> 01:09:44,960
Yeah.

1767
01:09:44,960 --> 01:09:45,960
Yeah.

1768
01:09:45,960 --> 01:09:46,960
It's really true.

1769
01:09:46,960 --> 01:09:47,960
We get blamed on.

1770
01:09:47,960 --> 01:09:48,960
We get screwed.

1771
01:09:48,960 --> 01:09:49,960
We get broken again.

1772
01:09:49,960 --> 01:09:52,960
We get it's it's intense.

1773
01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:53,960
Yeah.

1774
01:09:53,960 --> 01:09:57,480
Not only are we going through what we're going through yet we have everything else piling

1775
01:09:57,480 --> 01:10:04,120
on because the bills come, the blame comes, the feeling bad comes and it's a lot.

1776
01:10:04,120 --> 01:10:05,120
And don't forget mom guilt.

1777
01:10:05,120 --> 01:10:06,120
Oh, yes.

1778
01:10:06,120 --> 01:10:07,120
Oh, mom guilt.

1779
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:11,240
The second you take a second for yourself, you feel like you should be doing something.

1780
01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:12,240
Yes.

1781
01:10:12,240 --> 01:10:13,240
Yes.

1782
01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:14,240
Oh, guys.

1783
01:10:14,240 --> 01:10:15,240
Doing something.

1784
01:10:15,240 --> 01:10:16,240
Yes.

1785
01:10:16,240 --> 01:10:17,240
And I've been really making that a priority.

1786
01:10:17,240 --> 01:10:18,240
I'm like, listen, mommy needs time.

1787
01:10:18,240 --> 01:10:19,240
Y'all can take care of yourselves right now.

1788
01:10:19,240 --> 01:10:20,240
Go do it.

1789
01:10:20,240 --> 01:10:21,240
They're not babies.

1790
01:10:21,240 --> 01:10:22,240
Yeah.

1791
01:10:22,240 --> 01:10:23,240
Go do it.

1792
01:10:23,240 --> 01:10:24,240
Yeah.

1793
01:10:24,240 --> 01:10:25,240
They're they're at an age where they can.

1794
01:10:25,240 --> 01:10:26,240
Yeah.

1795
01:10:26,240 --> 01:10:27,840
And like I was telling you, you have to do for you.

1796
01:10:27,840 --> 01:10:29,400
Yeah, I have to.

1797
01:10:29,400 --> 01:10:35,080
And as much as everything that's going on hurts because obviously that doesn't stop.

1798
01:10:35,080 --> 01:10:37,200
It doesn't stop hurting from one day to the next.

1799
01:10:37,200 --> 01:10:39,000
Doesn't stop hurting from a year to the next.

1800
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:40,000
It could take long.

1801
01:10:40,000 --> 01:10:41,000
Yeah, very long.

1802
01:10:41,000 --> 01:10:44,200
You, but you still have to remember that you're Teresa.

1803
01:10:44,200 --> 01:10:45,200
Yeah.

1804
01:10:45,200 --> 01:10:47,120
And you have to do for you.

1805
01:10:47,120 --> 01:10:48,120
I'm Teresa.

1806
01:10:48,120 --> 01:10:49,640
I like that.

1807
01:10:49,640 --> 01:10:50,640
Yes.

1808
01:10:50,640 --> 01:10:51,640
And you're Diane.

1809
01:10:51,640 --> 01:10:52,640
Yes.

1810
01:10:52,640 --> 01:10:54,120
And we're perfectly imperfect and that's okay.

1811
01:10:54,120 --> 01:10:55,320
There you go.

1812
01:10:55,320 --> 01:10:59,760
So we're coming to the end, but I did want to ask you one more question and I'll apologize

1813
01:10:59,760 --> 01:11:02,640
because we've been still talking here and y'all are going to get to hear it.

1814
01:11:02,640 --> 01:11:03,800
We're good.

1815
01:11:03,800 --> 01:11:06,680
So I read that there's something called generational curses.

1816
01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:07,680
Okay.

1817
01:11:07,680 --> 01:11:08,680
Okay.

1818
01:11:08,680 --> 01:11:10,280
Do you know what that is and what do you think about it?

1819
01:11:10,280 --> 01:11:11,640
So I don't know what it is.

1820
01:11:11,640 --> 01:11:15,000
I think you told me a little bit before we started this.

1821
01:11:15,000 --> 01:11:16,480
I didn't know what it was.

1822
01:11:16,480 --> 01:11:19,080
Apparently it's something that people believe in, right?

1823
01:11:19,080 --> 01:11:20,080
So you said?

1824
01:11:20,080 --> 01:11:21,080
Yes.

1825
01:11:21,080 --> 01:11:23,480
It's really, it's a spirit, apparently it's a spiritual thing.

1826
01:11:23,480 --> 01:11:28,920
Where they feel like there is, and some of the people think I'm crazy, but I had a spiritual,

1827
01:11:28,920 --> 01:11:29,920
let's tell me this.

1828
01:11:29,920 --> 01:11:30,920
Okay.

1829
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:35,360
That's not known, it's even known in the Bible apparently that there are specific demons,

1830
01:11:35,360 --> 01:11:36,360
is a very strong word.

1831
01:11:36,360 --> 01:11:42,040
I'm not going to say demons, but spirits that are not good spirits, and they apparently

1832
01:11:42,040 --> 01:11:43,320
stick to people.

1833
01:11:43,320 --> 01:11:48,400
It could be a man from seven generations behind, a grandfather somewhere.

1834
01:11:48,400 --> 01:11:54,040
And part of that, it may be what causes alcoholism, drugs, whatever the addiction is, whatever

1835
01:11:54,040 --> 01:11:55,040
the case may be.

1836
01:11:55,040 --> 01:11:58,840
And I think a lot of this too, when they say curses, I think a lot of it is because now

1837
01:11:58,840 --> 01:12:00,400
we know about genes.

1838
01:12:00,400 --> 01:12:01,400
Okay.

1839
01:12:01,400 --> 01:12:03,720
Okay, like addiction runs in genes.

1840
01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:07,840
At the time they didn't think that, but now we know that it runs in genes.

1841
01:12:07,840 --> 01:12:11,360
So I think that's probably where it comes from, that it's kind of a crapshoot where

1842
01:12:11,360 --> 01:12:17,800
you can have literally seven grandfathers and everyone after that is going to have this

1843
01:12:17,800 --> 01:12:23,280
affliction until they, somebody says, finally, I don't want this and breaks it.

1844
01:12:23,280 --> 01:12:29,920
So part of it is genes, and part of it is, you know, I have the choice, yes or no.

1845
01:12:29,920 --> 01:12:34,560
And I think that's really where there's an issue about the generational curses.

1846
01:12:34,560 --> 01:12:40,040
And I, again, I think a lot of that is because now we know more about genes and cellular

1847
01:12:40,040 --> 01:12:41,840
and DNA and all that kind of stuff.

1848
01:12:41,840 --> 01:12:46,200
But I think it's interesting that it's considered a generational curse.

1849
01:12:46,200 --> 01:12:48,480
Okay, I get what you're saying.

1850
01:12:48,480 --> 01:12:50,840
I don't know if I necessarily believe in that.

1851
01:12:50,840 --> 01:12:51,840
Okay.

1852
01:12:51,840 --> 01:12:56,880
Because it's like the other curses that we're always told as growing up.

1853
01:12:56,880 --> 01:12:57,960
So what am I supposed to do?

1854
01:12:57,960 --> 01:12:59,760
Think of this as the lairona?

1855
01:12:59,760 --> 01:13:00,760
Right?

1856
01:13:00,760 --> 01:13:05,920
Like, okay, my husband is doing this because lairona told him to.

1857
01:13:05,920 --> 01:13:08,440
Yeah, because he's got that demon on his back.

1858
01:13:08,440 --> 01:13:09,440
Right, exactly.

1859
01:13:09,440 --> 01:13:12,400
So it's like, I don't know about that.

1860
01:13:12,400 --> 01:13:16,200
And you ever think about that too, saying that literally makes me think about how they

1861
01:13:16,200 --> 01:13:20,960
say, oh, that voice on their shoulder, that chip they can't get rid of, all that kind

1862
01:13:20,960 --> 01:13:21,960
of stuff.

1863
01:13:21,960 --> 01:13:25,480
And it's like, maybe it's just straight up generational trauma.

1864
01:13:25,480 --> 01:13:27,200
Yeah, yeah, I think it's more that.

1865
01:13:27,200 --> 01:13:28,200
Yeah.

1866
01:13:28,200 --> 01:13:30,240
And again, genes have a lot to do with it.

1867
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:31,760
DNA has a lot to do with it.

1868
01:13:31,760 --> 01:13:37,840
The fact that we are forced to make decisions in our lives that we never thought we'd make.

1869
01:13:37,840 --> 01:13:44,720
And again, if everybody out there, just remember that nobody has the right to hurt you or disrespect

1870
01:13:44,720 --> 01:13:46,240
you without your permission.

1871
01:13:46,240 --> 01:13:47,640
In any form.

1872
01:13:47,640 --> 01:13:48,640
Yeah.

1873
01:13:48,640 --> 01:13:49,640
Any.

1874
01:13:49,640 --> 01:13:50,640
You are your own person.

1875
01:13:50,640 --> 01:13:58,160
Life is rough by itself without adding to it and being mentally unhappy and unhealthy.

1876
01:13:58,160 --> 01:14:03,200
Because it is something I think our generation is really trying to focus on is trying to

1877
01:14:03,200 --> 01:14:07,920
get your mental in check and realizing that mental health is literally more important than

1878
01:14:07,920 --> 01:14:10,080
physical health because it causes your physical health.

1879
01:14:10,080 --> 01:14:11,080
Of course.

1880
01:14:11,080 --> 01:14:13,280
Your mental health is what causes your physical decline.

1881
01:14:13,280 --> 01:14:14,280
Definitely.

1882
01:14:14,280 --> 01:14:15,280
It's unbelievable.

1883
01:14:15,280 --> 01:14:16,280
You know, that's true though.

1884
01:14:16,280 --> 01:14:17,280
Yeah.

1885
01:14:17,280 --> 01:14:19,720
Because unfortunately I see it with my kids.

1886
01:14:19,720 --> 01:14:23,760
Unfortunately, these kids nowadays, mental issues are.

1887
01:14:23,760 --> 01:14:24,760
Yes.

1888
01:14:24,760 --> 01:14:25,760
Intense out there.

1889
01:14:25,760 --> 01:14:26,760
Yeah.

1890
01:14:26,760 --> 01:14:27,760
So I get what you're saying.

1891
01:14:27,760 --> 01:14:28,760
Yeah.

1892
01:14:28,760 --> 01:14:32,840
And it's really a scary thought that we actually do control.

1893
01:14:32,840 --> 01:14:34,880
I mean, yes, we all have outside things.

1894
01:14:34,880 --> 01:14:37,160
We all have other factors and everything.

1895
01:14:37,160 --> 01:14:39,440
But we control so much of what we do.

1896
01:14:39,440 --> 01:14:41,200
And I'm not saying it's easy.

1897
01:14:41,200 --> 01:14:42,200
Leaving is not easy.

1898
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:43,200
No.

1899
01:14:43,200 --> 01:14:44,200
Deciding to do that.

1900
01:14:44,200 --> 01:14:45,200
No.

1901
01:14:45,200 --> 01:14:46,200
Deciding to do that.

1902
01:14:46,200 --> 01:14:47,200
Yes.

1903
01:14:47,200 --> 01:14:48,200
To either leave or let go.

1904
01:14:48,200 --> 01:14:49,200
And having the means.

1905
01:14:49,200 --> 01:14:50,200
Yes.

1906
01:14:50,200 --> 01:14:53,200
So many couples, regardless of what's going to stay together because they don't have the

1907
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:54,200
means.

1908
01:14:54,200 --> 01:14:55,200
Yes, exactly.

1909
01:14:55,200 --> 01:14:56,200
And that's what we were saying.

1910
01:14:56,200 --> 01:14:57,200
Yeah.

1911
01:14:57,200 --> 01:14:59,080
We were saying, you know, have their own.

1912
01:14:59,080 --> 01:15:00,080
Exactly.

1913
01:15:00,080 --> 01:15:01,080
Have that nest egg.

1914
01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:02,080
Have your career.

1915
01:15:02,080 --> 01:15:03,080
Have this and have that.

1916
01:15:03,080 --> 01:15:04,080
Yeah.

1917
01:15:04,080 --> 01:15:05,080
And know that, you know what?

1918
01:15:05,080 --> 01:15:07,600
I'll tell my daughter too, you make sure you have something on the side.

1919
01:15:07,600 --> 01:15:12,440
You protect yourself because if God forbid you got to go, you don't got to wait.

1920
01:15:12,440 --> 01:15:14,160
Have on the side, you know.

1921
01:15:14,160 --> 01:15:16,720
And these are things that it's important to teach them.

1922
01:15:16,720 --> 01:15:17,960
It's important for ourselves.

1923
01:15:17,960 --> 01:15:22,480
We are still very young women in the prime of our lives.

1924
01:15:22,480 --> 01:15:24,880
And yes, a lot of life to go.

1925
01:15:24,880 --> 01:15:25,880
Oh, I know.

1926
01:15:25,880 --> 01:15:26,880
Definitely.

1927
01:15:26,880 --> 01:15:29,160
And we have every right to live it as we want.

1928
01:15:29,160 --> 01:15:30,160
Of course.

1929
01:15:30,160 --> 01:15:31,160
As we see fit.

1930
01:15:31,160 --> 01:15:32,160
Without being judged.

1931
01:15:32,160 --> 01:15:33,160
Exactly.

1932
01:15:33,160 --> 01:15:34,160
Yes.

1933
01:15:34,160 --> 01:15:35,160
Oh my God.

1934
01:15:35,160 --> 01:15:36,160
Dee.

1935
01:15:36,160 --> 01:15:37,160
Thank you.

1936
01:15:37,160 --> 01:15:38,160
Oh, this was so much fun.

1937
01:15:38,160 --> 01:15:41,200
For spending this time with us.

1938
01:15:41,200 --> 01:15:42,440
And hopefully it was enlightening.

1939
01:15:42,440 --> 01:15:43,440
Yes.

1940
01:15:43,440 --> 01:15:44,600
I learned a lot today.

1941
01:15:44,600 --> 01:15:48,560
And maybe you see a little of yourself in us to our audience because even though we're

1942
01:15:48,560 --> 01:15:50,760
all unique, we are not alone.

1943
01:15:50,760 --> 01:15:52,440
No, definitely not alone.

1944
01:15:52,440 --> 01:15:54,480
So Dee, did you enjoy being on?

1945
01:15:54,480 --> 01:15:55,480
I had a blast.

1946
01:15:55,480 --> 01:15:56,480
Yeah?

1947
01:15:56,480 --> 01:15:57,480
I had a blast.

1948
01:15:57,480 --> 01:16:00,080
I didn't know what this was going to be like and I had a blast.

1949
01:16:00,080 --> 01:16:01,080
So thank you.

1950
01:16:01,080 --> 01:16:04,960
Yeah, I'm hoping, you know, we got a few good listeners out there.

1951
01:16:04,960 --> 01:16:07,280
We're going to keep coming.

1952
01:16:07,280 --> 01:16:11,440
And you know, we can talk about different, all kinds of different stuff.

1953
01:16:11,440 --> 01:16:16,320
Do you have anything else you'd like to add in closing for me or for our listeners?

1954
01:16:16,320 --> 01:16:18,800
The whole looking for help is very important.

1955
01:16:18,800 --> 01:16:23,640
If you feel like you need it, don't feel like you're doing wrong or that you're going

1956
01:16:23,640 --> 01:16:26,040
to be looked upon differently because you need help.

1957
01:16:26,040 --> 01:16:28,960
If you need help, please go get it.

1958
01:16:28,960 --> 01:16:29,960
Professional help.

1959
01:16:29,960 --> 01:16:30,960
Amen.

1960
01:16:30,960 --> 01:16:31,960
Yeah, definitely.

1961
01:16:31,960 --> 01:16:34,400
And with that said, you know the drill.

1962
01:16:34,400 --> 01:16:38,280
If you would like to be a part of our future episodes or have something you'd like to hear,

1963
01:16:38,280 --> 01:16:44,600
talk to about, please feel free to email me at persecoqueenspodcast.gmail.com or DM me

1964
01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:46,760
on IG at persecoqueenspodcast.

1965
01:16:46,760 --> 01:16:51,160
Also, don't forget to follow us while you're there and share with everyone you know.

1966
01:16:51,160 --> 01:16:55,520
And once again, I'm going to thank my fellow Queens Diane for joining me and sharing.

1967
01:16:55,520 --> 01:16:56,520
Thank you.

1968
01:16:56,520 --> 01:17:00,360
And to all of our listeners, stay tuned to our IG where I will be announcing our next

1969
01:17:00,360 --> 01:17:03,840
episode in a few weeks and who will be on with me then.

1970
01:17:03,840 --> 01:17:05,160
So what are we drinking?

1971
01:17:05,160 --> 01:17:06,160
What are we thinking?

1972
01:17:06,160 --> 01:17:07,160
You're Prosecco Queens.

1973
01:17:07,160 --> 01:17:08,160
I got all the goss.

1974
01:17:08,160 --> 01:17:29,520
Let's go.