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Alright, so let's set the scene.

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We got a pop of Prosecco bottle, the clink of glasses, and the laughter of Queens filling

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the air.

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Today, we are welcoming back another episode of Prosecco Queens, the podcast where we

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will sip, spill, and celebrate the stories of resilience, empowerment, and transformation.

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Today we're pouring a glass in honor of a truly inspiring Queen, someone who has turned

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pain into purpose, struggles into strength, and lessons into love.

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She's the host and creator of the Co-Dependent Me podcast, where she dives into the world

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of codependency, addiction, and the road to healing.

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With real life experiences, powerful tools, and a heart full of wisdom, she helps people

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break from toxic relationships and reclaim their lives with the help of her guests.

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And guess what?

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I had the absolute honor of being a guest on her show just last week, sharing my own journey

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with codependency.

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And let me tell you, Tamala creates a space that is raw, real, and so healing.

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So grab your glasses and raise your toes because joining us today is none other than the incredible

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Tamala Shaw.

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Tamala, welcome to Prosecco Queens.

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Let's get into it.

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So Tamala, tell me about yourself.

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Please tell our audience.

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Oh my gosh, I have never heard such beautiful words.

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Oh, I'm so glad.

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Thank you.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you for being here.

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Thank you for having me because honestly, I don't do a lot of podcasts.

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So when you, when you offer it, I was like, oh heck yeah, because I noticed that.

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And I'll do that as well.

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I will shout out PodMatch.

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I know you did that as well.

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I don't do that as often as I should.

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I'm going to shout out PodMatch because that's how we met.

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And I did notice that I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so excited.

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You're going to be a guest on my show.

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And then I realized you don't even have a guest profile.

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No, I rarely do podcasts.

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I do some speaking engagements, but I don't really get on, which, you know, that was kind

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of my goal in 2025 because it is a way to get your story out.

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And that's very important, you know?

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Yeah.

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It's so, it's so wonderful.

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I spent so much time being a host.

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It's so great being a guest, right?

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People learn from our experiences, right?

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Like they're able to say, I'm not alone.

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Look at this wonderful person who has come through whatever we come through, right?

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So tell me and tell the audience about yourself.

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Like I know, again, as the guest, I was speaking my brain out about my stuff, but I'm so glad

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I get to get to know more about you and hear about your story and how you've come to be

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as successful as you are.

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Thank you.

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Thank you for that.

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So I am Tal Lushal.

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I am, oh my goodness, a holistic coach.

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I am the founder of the Sober Families Matter, which is a nonprofit.

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We help and support the families of people who are in addiction because, you know, the

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person that has the addiction, they go to their resources and they go to their meetings

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and all of that, but it's not a lot out here for the family.

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That's right.

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And really sometimes they don't understand what it is for addiction.

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I know I didn't.

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I didn't either.

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My mother is a recovering alcoholic.

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My stepfather is a recovering alcoholic.

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My biological father was, I say was because he's passed on addicted to narcotics.

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My grandfather was an alcoholic.

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My aunt was an alcoholic.

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It's just all of this.

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It was surrounding me.

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So you know that you have this addictive nature, mine personally wasn't with a drug or alcohol

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or it was people.

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I had addiction with people.

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So that's where the codependency came in.

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So I have the Sober Families Matter.

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And as far as codependent me, I have the podcast.

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I coach people who are recovering from codependency, trying to help them find boundaries and detachment

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and how to do things in a healthy manner.

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And then I also have a radio show on an internet radio show called Get Your Ship, SHIP, Together,

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All Things Relationships.

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And that's on Cream City Connection Radio and you can get there by going creamcityconnection.com.

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It's on Thursdays at noon central time.

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I bring up different topics about different relationships, but it's not all like physical.

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It could be a relationship with, what was it last week, with detachment.

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It was a relationship with, I did a show on letting go, like how to let people be who

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they are, you know, your relationship with being attached to people.

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It's tons of relationships, but it's just not, you know, with, you know, like male,

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female or something like that.

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It could be a relationship with anything.

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Okay.

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Yes.

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Let's see what else do I do?

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I think that's it.

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It keeps me busy.

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Definitely keeps me busy, but yes, but as far as a personal side on how I got to co-dependency,

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it is because of my upbringing when it came to being at home with parents that were alcoholics.

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You know, my mom, she would pick me and my brother up and, you know, from my granny's

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house and take us home and we had to stop with this at the liquor store, you know, and

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stop there.

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But in Milwaukee, liquor stores also had snacks.

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It looks like a grocery store with liquor in it.

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Wow.

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Kind of like the bodega's when I was little in New York.

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Yes.

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Exactly.

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Yes.

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So I didn't think of it as going to a liquor store.

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It was, she stopped at the store.

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Right.

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Stopped at the store.

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I can get snacks.

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I'm going to get some gummy bears or some chips, you know, and then we go.

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Lighten, lighten it right up a bit.

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Absolutely.

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Absolutely.

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In that 10 year old brain, right?

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And I would, we'd get home.

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We'd do our homework.

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She'd cook.

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She'd make sure we were good.

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And then she'd go in her room.

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She went in her room.

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She, I can honestly say, I never really saw her drink.

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She was functioning.

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I never really saw her drunk, but I'm sure she wasn't there.

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She was definitely functioning.

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Right.

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Yes.

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So it was my job to ensure, my job in my head, of course, to ensure that my brother was entertained

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and I always well.

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And there were certain nights, there will be certain things that happened.

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Like one night she cooked, went and fell asleep.

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I call it a stupor because you don't fall asleep when you're drunk until you're drunk.

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That's right.

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You're like blackout.

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Exactly.

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And the house was smoky.

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Oh my God.

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So she left us, she left some food on the stove.

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And of course that made me think, oh, well, she's obviously tired.

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Before I go to bed, I'll make sure the food is off.

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If it's in your right.

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You know, so both, it was these things that I started doing.

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Before I went to bed, I would make sure my brother was cozy in his bed.

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I would make sure that everything was off on the stove.

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I would make sure that the doors were locked.

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And those were the things that I should not have been responsible for.

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Absolutely not.

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That was your survival kicking in.

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Absolutely.

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You're a big sister.

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I know because I've been there.

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You're a big sister, you're a survival.

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You know, it just helped create this person that said, I have to do these things.

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And now you've created a character in yourself.

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Absolutely.

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As a little mommy doing this stuff.

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Absolutely.

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And then it was this thing where, okay, so the thing, I used to think my mom had a problem

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with was not drinking, it was smoking.

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She was a smoker.

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So it always, I've never talked about this anywhere before, honestly.

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Well, thank you for sharing whatever you're comfortable with.

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That's right.

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You do you girl.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you for the platform because obviously I'm comfortable.

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Yeah, good.

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I'm glad.

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That's my goal.

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That's my goal.

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So I always wanted her to stop smoking.

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So I would do certain things that, you know, first I started hiding her cigarettes and

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she's like, Bay, if I'm going to smoke, if I, if I'm going to smoke, I'm going to smoke.

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So I started to do these things to like it.

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Maybe if I did this, then she wouldn't smoke.

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Maybe if I did this, that's the people pleasing.

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That's right.

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That's exactly it.

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So that's where the people pleasing came in.

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And so all of these things came into my adulthood.

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So I started realizing after I realized I was codependent that all of my friends needed

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me to not be the healthy Tamela.

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They needed me to be the fixer.

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They needed me to give them all of the advice.

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They used to call me, oh, she's just like Oprah.

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She liked Dr. Phil.

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She's only, no, it's because y'all were not healthy.

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You weren't standing on your own, figuring out your own stuff.

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And let me caveat that by saying I understand that completely because they used to call

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me Mother Teresa.

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Because I was the same exact thing.

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So I feel you, you're saying this and I can relate to it because it was exactly who I

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was.

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Yes, absolutely.

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And people loved it.

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There were no boundaries.

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You could call me all hours of the night.

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I would, you know, I could be planning on doing something else and oh, they need me.

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So I'm going to be there.

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And you know, I was married, had a couple of kids.

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I was just like, I don't know what's going on in my marriage, but I'm just not happy.

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Yeah.

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I was tired of being responsible.

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I was finally listening to my body saying, feel good.

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I feel I'm just drained.

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I'm exhausted.

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Got to the point where I was sitting in front of the house and not go into the house because

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I would dread what was waiting for me to be, whether it was because I was fixing all day.

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I'm fixing it.

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We're doing this and that and this.

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I'm exhausted.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I finally went to counseling and I was like, we have to figure out what's wrong.

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Like what is wrong?

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What's going on?

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And she told me, she said, you're codependent.

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And I was like, what's that?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Like read this, read this, go get this.

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So I immediately went to Barnes & Noble and grabbed all kinds of books, you know, codependent

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no more.

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You know, I went and got a boundaries book by Dr. Tumson and all of that.

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And you know, so I started learning so much about codependency and it was incredible.

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It was incredible.

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I was like, this is my tribe.

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Yes.

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You understand me.

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It's unbelievable when those, like I say with those rose color glasses come off, it is the

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most freeing thing in the world.

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Like, let me ask you because speaking of that, because we know codependency is sneaky as hell.

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Oh yeah.

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It starts when we're little, we don't realize that it's happening and we think that's just

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who we're supposed to be.

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Right?

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So for you, based on what you've learned and what you've been experiencing and what

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you've been hearing over the years, what are some of for you the most common misconceptions

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about codependency that you wish more people understood?

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That were weak.

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I talk to people all the time.

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And that's the reason I do what I do, honestly, honestly, because when people say, oh, you're

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codependent, the head goes down.

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No, no, no.

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No, no, no.

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It's their strength, you know, their strength.

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We have to be a strong individual.

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Yes.

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Who live in this world.

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So when people say that you're codependent, they put their heads down and it's just like,

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no, there's no weak.

253
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:26,760
There's no, the weakness in it is us not being strong for ourselves.

254
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:27,760
Right?

255
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,360
Say it again for the people in the back.

256
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:31,360
Louder for the people in the back.

257
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,360
Please.

258
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,360
Strong for ourselves.

259
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,360
That's the only weakness in it.

260
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:39,360
Other than that, you have put all the people on your shoulders and you're able to handle

261
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:40,360
it.

262
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,520
You can, you can look at a situation and know exactly what needs to happen.

263
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,520
Yep.

264
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,800
You should figure it out on their own, but you've already figured it out.

265
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:48,800
Right?

266
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,120
And you're literally raising yourself.

267
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,040
Oh my gosh.

268
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,040
All of the time.

269
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,200
It is.

270
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:58,440
And that's the one thing that got me growing up.

271
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,560
Honestly, people will be like, don't worry about her.

272
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:01,560
She's good.

273
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:02,560
Yes.

274
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:03,560
No, no, no.

275
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:04,560
Don't worry.

276
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:05,560
She's good.

277
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:06,560
And that's the strength, right?

278
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:07,560
That comes with it.

279
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:11,920
The weakness in it is you just don't know when to say no.

280
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,000
That's right.

281
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,160
You don't know when to have those boundaries and stand on them.

282
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,760
You don't know how to listen to your body.

283
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,680
All of those things can be switched.

284
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:22,680
Yeah.

285
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,180
Learn those characters.

286
00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:26,000
I call them, they will, I will say flaws.

287
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:30,240
You find, you find those character flaws and you build on them, but there is no weakness

288
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,880
in codependency as far as I'm concerned.

289
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:33,880
That's the way I look at it.

290
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,000
That's, and that's the reason I do what I do because I want people to know you don't

291
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,000
have to be ashamed.

292
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,000
Right?

293
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,000
That's right.

294
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,000
It's happened for a reason.

295
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,720
It happened for a reason.

296
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,640
So you got to go back to that childhood and figure out what that is.

297
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,640
That's right.

298
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,400
Once you figure that out, then you just build on it.

299
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:53,560
It's like a pyramid, you know, the very bottom, it's get your base.

300
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,560
Get your base.

301
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:55,560
Just keep building and building and building.

302
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,120
When you get to that top, baby.

303
00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,120
That's when it opens up.

304
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,720
That's when life, you see that life completely different.

305
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:02,720
Yeah.

306
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,720
Absolutely.

307
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,720
It's like the, it's a hotel in Vegas.

308
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:07,720
It's a pyramid.

309
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,720
It has this light.

310
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,720
It comes out of the top of it, right?

311
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:11,720
Yeah.

312
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,720
It's like, oh my God, I am shining.

313
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,220
It's that spiritual awakening.

314
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:22,440
It's when you realize you don't have to please anybody and the people that are most advantageous

315
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:28,720
of you pleasing them are the ones that take the hardest when you finally put up boundaries.

316
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,720
Absolutely.

317
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,720
You know, I say it all the time and I've said it in my other episodes as well.

318
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,400
Shame is not an emotion.

319
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,200
Shame is unlearned behavior.

320
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,320
And if like anything else you've learned it when we're young, we all have, you can unlearn

321
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:40,320
it.

322
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,320
Absolutely.

323
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,320
You can unlearn those character flaws that were ingrained in you when you were little

324
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,840
because of survival and trauma.

325
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:54,280
And now you can take the steps to rebuild yourself as you use so eloquently the pyramid,

326
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,680
rebuild yourself and shine.

327
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:59,520
And you all, there's no timeline in your life when you can do that.

328
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:00,520
Yeah.

329
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:01,520
Absolutely.

330
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:02,520
It's such a beautiful thing.

331
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:07,360
And I try to, yes, one of the things that I talk about when I'm speaking to people because

332
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:13,680
I'm like, if, if I am what codependency looks like, you know, I'm recovering, don't get

333
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,600
me wrong, I'm recovering codependence.

334
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,600
Of course.

335
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:20,080
But baby, I have always, I've always been happy.

336
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,000
It was just learning, learning what was what.

337
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:28,600
Now again, the sadness comes in not knowing when to have the boundaries.

338
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:29,600
Yes.

339
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:35,160
But when you, when you sit back and you can look at, I don't have to rescue everywhere.

340
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:39,320
Not everybody's not responsibility.

341
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,320
That's right.

342
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,240
I don't have to feel guilty because you did something.

343
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,240
Yeah.

344
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:45,240
It's not on me.

345
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:46,240
Yep.

346
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,080
I just, I get so excited just thinking about it.

347
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,200
Yes, I'm loyal, but only so far.

348
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,680
Ooh, I get chills.

349
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:54,680
Okay.

350
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,600
I am loyal to myself more than I am loyal to you.

351
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,600
It takes balls.

352
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,400
I'm here to tell you and the biggest thing.

353
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,400
Okay.

354
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,400
I wish I had them with me.

355
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:04,400
I bought these glasses.

356
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,120
The glasses literally say no.

357
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,120
No.

358
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:11,080
I put on my no glasses on somebody immediately.

359
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,560
Well, I'll tell you what's funny.

360
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:17,880
My last episode, the, the wonderful girl came out, she had Prosecco earrings and now you

361
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:18,880
with your no glasses.

362
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:22,400
I'm going to have to get me a whole set of everything because I'm feeling it all.

363
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,400
I love it.

364
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,400
Yes, absolutely.

365
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:31,120
But you know, I want, I want your audience to know that boundaries, they are set to make

366
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:36,360
sure that you have a healthy relationship with everyone.

367
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,920
You are teaching people how to treat you.

368
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:44,840
You are being the example and the biggest person that you have to have boundaries with

369
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:45,840
is yourself.

370
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:50,640
Because if you don't honor your own boundaries, people will run all over you.

371
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,640
Yes, they will.

372
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:57,080
You have to wonder, you have to have an understanding about the expectations because the people

373
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:01,760
who are angry about your boundaries are the ones who have been able to live a wonderful

374
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,040
life because you did not have them.

375
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,040
That's exactly it.

376
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,040
Yes.

377
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,040
Exactly it.

378
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:13,860
You have to expect those individuals to growl when you start setting your boundaries.

379
00:16:13,860 --> 00:16:17,800
You have to expect it because that's how you know you're doing it right.

380
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,800
That's right.

381
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,800
I always give people the bear, the bear concept.

382
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,680
I was just going to say, you mentioned that.

383
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,920
I was going to tell you, please tell the audience this, your bear concept because it's

384
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:26,920
fabulous.

385
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:27,920
Yes.

386
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:36,720
If you have been giving a bear honey and sweets and all the things that's bad for it,

387
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,920
and then all of a sudden one day you go, no, you know what?

388
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,320
I've not done this bear any justice.

389
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:47,120
I've put all of this weight on myself with all of this honey on my back.

390
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:52,800
Let me give the bear what it needs, which is berries, fruits, nuts.

391
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,240
Okay, fruits and nuts, we'll just say the fruits and nuts.

392
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,240
And then you tell the bear, I'm sorry.

393
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,280
This no longer serves me.

394
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,880
From here on out, I need to give you fruits and nuts.

395
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:08,280
And the bear goes, no, that's not what I want though.

396
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,280
I like the honey.

397
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,760
No, we're going to do the honey.

398
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:11,760
We're going to keep doing it.

399
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:16,160
And I'm like, no, no, no, but the honey's not good for me.

400
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,240
For me, I have to give you.

401
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,600
This is your choice.

402
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,880
Nuts, nuts, that's what you get.

403
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:28,720
And the bear goes, no, I said, I want the honey.

404
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,120
And now you've been giving it to me.

405
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,600
That's what I expect for you.

406
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:36,040
You cannot, you cannot give in.

407
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,040
That's right.

408
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:42,560
You let that bear know, okay, if you want something for me, you can have fruit or you

409
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,280
can have nuts.

410
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,160
That's it.

411
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,880
And that bear is going to growl.

412
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:54,160
Give me the honey and try to intimidate you.

413
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,160
That's right.

414
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,080
To make you back, go back to who you were.

415
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,080
Yeah.

416
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,080
Don't go in that shell.

417
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:05,840
No, you stand tall on that boundary and say, okay, this is what I'm offering.

418
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:13,920
You get this or nothing or nothing or nothing and feel strong when you walk away.

419
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:22,640
If they say no, stand 10 toes down on that no, because I guarantee you when you walk away

420
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,200
and that bear goes, a gets nothing.

421
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:31,880
He's either going to come back and say, you know what, I'll take the, I'll take the, the

422
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:33,040
I'll take what I can get.

423
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,040
I'll take it, but I'll take what I can get.

424
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,040
Yeah.

425
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:40,520
Or the bear is going to say, you know what, you're no longer serving me.

426
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,160
And guess what?

427
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,160
That's beautiful too.

428
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,160
Amen.

429
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:47,200
That bear was only there to use you for your honey.

430
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,680
Yep.

431
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,680
I say that too.

432
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,440
I'm like, you know what, if they're the ones that get the most upset and then all of a

433
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:56,640
sudden they're not there anymore, it's because, you know, for a fact, they were not supposed

434
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:57,800
to be there the whole time.

435
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,560
They were only using you for what you could do for them.

436
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,800
It was a one side of relationship to begin with.

437
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,960
The people that love you and will be there for you the most of the people that will accept

438
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,960
your boundaries even when it's hard for them.

439
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,520
They may take an adjustment period.

440
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,360
They may say, wow, I'm not used to this.

441
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,800
Is she really going to stick with this?

442
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:17,800
Yes.

443
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,800
Right?

444
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:19,800
Let's weigh this out.

445
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,520
I'll tiptoe sometimes and see if this is still going to happen.

446
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,680
Maybe not consciously because, you know, we do think sometimes we're so used to doing

447
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,680
things, right?

448
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:29,680
And I think that's fantastic.

449
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:35,560
It's just such a fantastic analogy because it just makes me say to myself too, it makes

450
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:41,320
you look at all the different people in your past that have come and gone and you go,

451
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,320
huh?

452
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:46,840
In hindsight, was it something that I wasn't doing anymore?

453
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:47,840
Right.

454
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,200
Or was that just because it was supposed to be for that season and it's not?

455
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:56,240
So it does make you also hypercritical of some of your other past relationships, which

456
00:19:56,240 --> 00:20:02,400
I think is what's so important about that healing and learning to move on from those

457
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,400
things.

458
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:08,520
And it's just very important because if people honor your boundaries, it's such a beautiful

459
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,520
relationship.

460
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:10,520
Yeah.

461
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,520
And I think that's what I'm talking about all the time.

462
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:13,520
Boundaries are not just one sided.

463
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,960
You know, if I sit down with someone about boundaries, what, you know, what's good for

464
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,640
me and what's healthy for me, I always ask them.

465
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,520
So tell me what's healthy for you.

466
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,520
Yes.

467
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,520
Because that's important to me.

468
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,640
I want it to be as important to me as my boundaries are for you.

469
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:28,640
Right.

470
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,560
I'm honoring each other's boundaries.

471
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:35,800
It's just letting people know what road we can go down together.

472
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:40,320
And if we're not, if we're not thinking alike, thinking the same, then maybe we're not

473
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,320
good for one another.

474
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,400
And if we're not, that's okay.

475
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,400
It's okay.

476
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,720
And also boundaries are fluid.

477
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:55,320
Just because this is my boundary today does not mean I can't change that boundary tomorrow.

478
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,680
Because if I'm changing, that's a good point.

479
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:02,280
Because I'm not who I was last week or the year before or 10 years ago.

480
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,800
Of course my boundaries are going to change as well.

481
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:05,880
Right.

482
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:06,880
So it's okay.

483
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,840
And when those things change, you just have the conversation.

484
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:15,720
And then you can decide, and the person can decide whether they want to be in this.

485
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:22,480
You don't have to say in this, I will not, I promise I will never ever beg anyone to

486
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:23,480
deal with me.

487
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,480
That's right.

488
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:25,480
And not anymore.

489
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,280
I am an incredible individual.

490
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:29,280
Incredible.

491
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:37,520
So if you decide, if you deem that I am not worthy to be in your presence, okay, because

492
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,680
I promise you're going to be the one to miss that.

493
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:44,120
I have gotten into saying that over the, just the past couple years as I've been on my healing

494
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,080
journey, it's so incredible you say that.

495
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,880
Because there were times I've said it to myself and I'm like, maybe that sounds awful.

496
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,960
But like in my head, but I have gotten to the point of saying that whether it's a male

497
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:57,400
relationship or which I've had a few since my separation, but where I'm like, you know

498
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,400
what?

499
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,240
And to my ex as well, I'm like, you know what?

500
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:02,880
I'm freaking amazing.

501
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,600
Like, look what you've had in the past.

502
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:07,600
Absolutely.

503
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,840
Look what you screwed up in the present.

504
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:10,840
Yes.

505
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,240
Do you, like, did you not know who I was?

506
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:13,240
I said, well, guess what?

507
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:17,680
Now you're going to see this up leveled person.

508
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:18,680
Absolutely.

509
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:23,960
Who is 10 times more amazing than I was because I let myself get to that point where I wasn't

510
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,440
and I didn't feel that way anymore.

511
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,000
And I think it's amazing that you said that because you just saying that now made me feel

512
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,000
better.

513
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,000
See, that's what I'm talking about.

514
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,000
Thank you.

515
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,000
It did.

516
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,000
I'm so glad.

517
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,440
I mean, it's, it's, it's a, once you've done the work, like Lord knows I was not

518
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,240
here when I first started at all.

519
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:40,240
Right.

520
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,400
You know, you have to go through the low self-esteem where, you know, you have to go through the

521
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,400
affirmations.

522
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,200
I am wonderfully and beautifully made.

523
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,480
I am, you know, I'm the head and not the tail.

524
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,800
You know, let me tell you the thing that you need to do.

525
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,320
I had a woman on my podcast yesterday and she, I said, you know, I speak about the affirmations

526
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,320
all the time.

527
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:58,320
I love them.

528
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,160
I write, oh my gosh.

529
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:04,640
But she said the other thing that you can do is go to the Bible and pull scriptures.

530
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:05,640
Okay.

531
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:06,640
Yes.

532
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:11,240
Put them on your mirror because I will tell you how great you are.

533
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:12,240
Yes.

534
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:16,640
Mother, when I was little, I had this little magnet and she was keeping it on the refrigerator.

535
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:17,640
I had my name on the top.

536
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,640
Where had Tammy?

537
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:19,640
Didn't have Tammy.

538
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:20,640
Lord knows you can't find Tammy anywhere.

539
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,640
Anyway, but it had Tammy on it.

540
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:28,960
And it said, I know I'm somebody because God don't make no junk.

541
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,760
Not God doesn't make any junk.

542
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,960
God don't make no junk.

543
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:33,960
Love it.

544
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:34,960
Okay.

545
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,920
So she was pouring that into me as a baby and I didn't realize it.

546
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:43,440
And I happened to be going through like a box or something a few years ago and I found

547
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,960
it and I said, oh my gosh, thank you.

548
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:46,960
That's right.

549
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,360
I know I'm somebody because God made no junk.

550
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:51,360
Love that.

551
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,760
Telling your audience, you are somebody.

552
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:59,080
Don't you let anybody tell you that you are less than that's right.

553
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:02,520
The only way that it can be true is if you believe that.

554
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:03,520
That's right.

555
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,640
You have the power into yourself.

556
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:06,640
Radiate it.

557
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:07,640
Radiate it.

558
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:13,200
I was in the bathroom one day washing my face and it was the first time that I actually

559
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,800
felt this from the depth of my soul.

560
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:21,280
I looked at myself and I said, oh my gosh, I am so in love with you.

561
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:26,120
Oh, and I, it's incredible.

562
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:28,040
I could feel it all over my body.

563
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,400
You just got me emotional.

564
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,400
It's incredible.

565
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:31,400
Like emotional right now.

566
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:32,400
It's incredible.

567
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,280
It's, it's, it's a, to be in that place.

568
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:39,680
Well, I could really, because I'm telling you, I don't like, I, I've been in a place

569
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:40,840
where I don't like my body.

570
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,160
I don't like the skin tone.

571
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,360
I don't like my eyes.

572
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:44,840
I don't like my lips.

573
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,160
I don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

574
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,160
You know what?

575
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,160
Hmm.

576
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:54,680
When you, when you have, first of all, people who are codependent, they have big hearts.

577
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:55,680
They just do.

578
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:56,680
Unfortunately, it's true.

579
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:57,920
It's just what it is.

580
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,360
We just give, give, give, give, give.

581
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,360
Absolutely.

582
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:01,360
People just take.

583
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,520
The answer to it and that's what, that's what the crime is.

584
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:05,880
But you know what?

585
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:11,760
If you can take that and mold it into that and put it inside of you.

586
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,400
Super power.

587
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:20,520
Super power and understand that people, like one of the things that I had to remember, and

588
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:25,800
it really got me in the headspace that when you are codependent and you do things for

589
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:31,080
people when they should be doing it for themselves, it's actually a disservice to them.

590
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:32,960
You have to think about the butterfly.

591
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:37,760
And I was, I was, my mother became sober for the first time, for the first time when I

592
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:38,760
was 15.

593
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:44,840
She sat me down and she said, baby, I want to sit down with you and talk to you about

594
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:50,840
mommy has to go to the hospital and I'm either going to be gone 30 days or I'm just going

595
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:51,840
to be gone at night.

596
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,680
And I was just like, what kind of illness is this?

597
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:54,680
Right.

598
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:55,680
30 days.

599
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:59,680
Like what is explained to me what this alcoholism is, you know, especially because you weren't

600
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,800
aware that anything even brought out.

601
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:02,800
Yeah.

602
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:03,800
Yeah.

603
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:07,360
And she put me, she was smart enough to see the smart woman.

604
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,840
So my girl, she put me in alateen.

605
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,440
What alateen is now Alanon.

606
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:12,440
Alanon.

607
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:13,440
Yes.

608
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:19,400
So I was 15 in this and they bought me a book about, you know, alcoholism for your parents

609
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:20,400
and all of that.

610
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:27,840
And in the back of this book, it talked about how your parent was a caterpillar.

611
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:34,000
And then they were in a cocoon and then they became this beautiful butterfly.

612
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,120
Right.

613
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:42,000
But as a codependent, we have to remember that when we do things for people that they

614
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,600
should be doing for themselves, it is not helpful.

615
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:49,120
If you think about these people being in a cocoon, right, they've already gone through

616
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:51,360
the, they're not a caterpillar anymore.

617
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:56,160
They're in the cocoon and you see this movement.

618
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,480
And it looks like they're struggling.

619
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:04,520
And so you, what you want to do is you want to help them break the, break out, break it,

620
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:05,520
then they can get out.

621
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:06,520
Yes.

622
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:12,680
But what you don't understand is that the fluttering is them strengthening their wings

623
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:17,160
so that no ways that's them strengthening their wings.

624
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:23,440
So when you break it, you retard the progress of them becoming a butterfly.

625
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,040
They have to do it themselves.

626
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,840
They have to struggle.

627
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,960
They have to struggle.

628
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,040
So let them be strong enough for them.

629
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,200
Pray for them.

630
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,200
Pray for them.

631
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:39,520
While they're in there and they're just getting stronger.

632
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:43,840
And when they're strong enough, they'll break out and they will fly.

633
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:48,160
That's why they say you can't change a person.

634
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:49,440
You cannot do it for them.

635
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:54,320
You can't do it for someone with an addiction, with a mental illness, with anything.

636
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,920
They have to want to be able to do it themselves and all you can do is support them.

637
00:27:58,920 --> 00:27:59,920
That's right.

638
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:04,440
And you, they, because if they're doing it for you, it's not going to last.

639
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:05,440
That's right.

640
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:06,440
You have to do it for themselves.

641
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:07,440
They have to do the work.

642
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,000
They have to do the healing, all the things.

643
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:15,960
And that actually is leading me to my next thought in your experience based on your experiences.

644
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:21,040
I know in your teachings, you use obviously tools like boundaries.

645
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,640
You also talk about counseling and self love.

646
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:30,840
So for you, was there a specific tool that made the biggest impact for you?

647
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,520
Other than your no glasses, because I love those.

648
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,960
Listening to my body was imperative.

649
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:37,960
Amen.

650
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:43,440
I didn't realize that the body tells the tale.

651
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:47,400
Anything that you're feeling, if there's like, okay, I used to be upset with my husband.

652
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,480
And you know, co-dependence do not like to argue.

653
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:54,560
And if you do away out of the, you just, you're going off because you've held it.

654
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:55,760
You've held in so much, right?

655
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:56,760
That's right.

656
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,320
So don't like confrontation.

657
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:04,080
So what would happen is I would get a lump in my throat and that would be because I wasn't

658
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:05,080
speaking.

659
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:06,080
That's your throat chakra.

660
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:07,080
Absolutely.

661
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,080
That's your throat chakra.

662
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:10,080
Yes.

663
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:16,040
Or if I needed to have a conversation and I knew it was coming home, I would get anxiety

664
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:17,040
in my belly.

665
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:18,640
For me, it was my stomach.

666
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,760
It was my stomach always.

667
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:21,760
Yes.

668
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:22,760
Yes.

669
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:28,400
You know, so if you listen to your body, you know that, you know when things are not right.

670
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,960
You know when you need to free something, you may need to figure out what it is that

671
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:36,320
you need to free, but you definitely need to free something.

672
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:37,480
Something is not right.

673
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,760
Something is not aligned.

674
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:43,800
So if I just listen to my body and try to figure out, well, what is it?

675
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:44,800
Okay.

676
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:46,920
Body, what are you telling me?

677
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,560
Let's talk about it.

678
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:50,800
What is that feeling that I'm having?

679
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,320
Where is it coming from?

680
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:54,280
Where did that trigger come from?

681
00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:55,840
Did it come because he's coming home?

682
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:57,080
Is it because it did come home?

683
00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:00,960
I mean, did it happen because of a conversation that we need to have when he comes home?

684
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:01,960
Yeah.

685
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:03,320
Why is this happening?

686
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,400
What do I need to do to free this feeling in my body?

687
00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:07,400
Yeah.

688
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:08,400
Thank you.

689
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:09,400
Right.

690
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:10,400
Amen.

691
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:15,240
I actually, I wrote a, I have a workbook.

692
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,040
It's called, it's a codependent me workbook.

693
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:19,040
Oh, that's awesome.

694
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:23,040
It goes through all of the things codependency.

695
00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:24,040
Right.

696
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:27,760
So like the whole thing about the body and all of that, it's in here.

697
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:34,000
It goes through what is codependency, your goal plan, excuse me, establishing your boundaries,

698
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,760
when to detach.

699
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:37,440
It has journal entries.

700
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,880
It has a body check in where you can, oh, that body check in.

701
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:41,880
Wow.

702
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:45,040
People don't talk about codependent slips.

703
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:48,480
Slip are just like when you fall off the wagon.

704
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:49,480
Yes.

705
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:56,480
Where you get so in, you get, because this is the thing when we do for people, we get

706
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:58,960
this adrenaline rush.

707
00:30:58,960 --> 00:30:59,960
Right.

708
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:00,960
That's right.

709
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:01,960
That dopamine kick.

710
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:02,960
That dopamine, yes.

711
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:03,960
It feels good.

712
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:04,960
Yeah.

713
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:08,760
So when you know what that feels like, it's like, hmm, I think I just did something.

714
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:10,760
I feel it.

715
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:11,760
Right.

716
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:13,200
You may have just had a slip.

717
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:14,200
It's okay.

718
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:15,800
Let's jump back on.

719
00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:21,160
I talk about that in this episode coming out on Tuesday, exactly that, because I talk about

720
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:28,320
surviving breakups, which talks about specifically how you can fall back into old patterns.

721
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:30,360
You can get back with your exes.

722
00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:34,000
Sometimes it's right and sometimes it's not, but we have slip ups and we have slip backs

723
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:35,000
and that happens.

724
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:41,200
And realistically, it's about realizing when you're falling back.

725
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,760
And if that's what you want to do, or if you need to course correct and go back because

726
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:53,000
any relationship, not just romantic, but even a relationship with yourself, is important

727
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:55,120
to understand what's going on there.

728
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,680
And we're allowed even relationships with ourselves to slip up.

729
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,480
So exactly what you're saying.

730
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:00,480
It's wonderful.

731
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:01,480
Yes.

732
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:02,480
So we've got that.

733
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:07,680
And then I've got affirmations and a gratitude, you know, gratitude, um, workbook, work sheets,

734
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:08,680
excuse me.

735
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:12,320
Well, I don't know where you sell that, but if it's on your website, but send me the link

736
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,040
because I want one.

737
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,040
Oh, absolutely.

738
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:16,040
I want one.

739
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:17,040
I want one actually.

740
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:18,040
Oh, I want one.

741
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:19,040
Thank you.

742
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,040
So it is on my website, the codependent, no, it's on codependentme.org.

743
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:26,000
And I'll be putting all that in the show notes as well.

744
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,000
Thank you.

745
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,000
Yes, of course.

746
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:29,000
Yes.

747
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:30,800
And then you can also get it on Amazon as well, but I love that.

748
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:36,160
And then I've also, I wrote a co-wrote a book with my mom.

749
00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:40,760
So as we were going through this beautiful situation, she was kind of fresh in recovery

750
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:41,760
this last time.

751
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:43,520
She's been sober now for 13 years.

752
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:44,520
Congratulations.

753
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:45,520
That's amazing.

754
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:47,280
And that's not easy.

755
00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:48,720
That is work every day.

756
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,640
It is work every single day.

757
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:51,640
She makes it look good.

758
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,760
Don't get me wrong.

759
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:59,200
She definitely, it's, it's, she works it, but probably about maybe eight, nine years

760
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:04,000
ago I was in the shower and God downloads to me when I'm around water.

761
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:08,040
So normally if I'm writing or something like that, I go to Tampa, you know, so, and then

762
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:09,480
in the shower downloads.

763
00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:13,480
So it was like this download of this book and I was just like, oh my gosh, I jumped out

764
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:16,160
and I'm trying to paper and pen and I'm writing and writing and writing.

765
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,880
And I tell my mom, I go, mom, God told me about this book that we need to write because

766
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:23,800
it's going to tell you, tell about your alcoholism that led to my codependency.

767
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:25,920
And it's going to be fantastic.

768
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:29,280
And she said, I didn't tell me that.

769
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:32,400
I said, oh, okay.

770
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:33,400
Okay.

771
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:34,400
That's fine.

772
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:40,560
I was like, well, just take my, take my word for it.

773
00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:44,120
I was like, okay, I kept, you know, I kept, I started writing because I know my God.

774
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:45,120
I know his voice.

775
00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:46,920
I know what he says, right?

776
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:51,920
So I told one, I'm going to tell you, I let her go on six months later.

777
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:55,440
She walks in, she walks in my room and she goes, Tam, it's time.

778
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,320
And I go, time for what?

779
00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:58,920
And she goes, it's time to write the book.

780
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,200
And I go, my four chapters written.

781
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,200
I'm good.

782
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:03,520
I was like, you wrote anyway.

783
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:04,800
I was going to believe my God.

784
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:05,800
That's right.

785
00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:06,800
I do.

786
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:15,320
And we wrote separately and we took about three months and then we got an editor to put our

787
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:23,200
chapters together and we have this beautiful book called God Turn Mommy's Wine Into Water.

788
00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:24,680
Oh, yes.

789
00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:26,200
It's so awesome.

790
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:27,920
And it just the title alone.

791
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:28,920
I know.

792
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:29,920
I know.

793
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:30,920
Don't judge a book by its cover.

794
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:31,920
Absolutely not.

795
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:35,640
I was like, I felt that in my pit, like in my stomach.

796
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,480
Like that was just like, oh my God.

797
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:39,200
Yes, because I'm so grateful.

798
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:40,700
I'm so grateful.

799
00:34:40,700 --> 00:34:44,120
But it tells, you know, her childhood, the different things that she went through, it

800
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:47,640
tells my childhood and, you know, so forth.

801
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:52,040
And it is a beautiful song and dance and I'm so proud of it because a lot of people used

802
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:55,720
to ask me all the time, how do you, how did you become codependent?

803
00:34:55,720 --> 00:34:58,400
And I'm like, it comes from childhood.

804
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:03,520
There's always some type of situation that happened most times, maybe not all the time,

805
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:09,160
but most times it's when children were put in a place where they weren't able to be the

806
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:12,480
child, they had to take an adult role.

807
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:16,680
And people, people will say the adult failed them and they had to take over.

808
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:21,240
I don't like to say that because I feel as though adults do, most parents do the best

809
00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:22,240
if they can.

810
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:23,240
Amen.

811
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:24,240
What they have.

812
00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:25,240
Right.

813
00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:30,240
And that's the reason that my mom reacted and was the person that she was in childhood,

814
00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:31,240
in my childhood, right?

815
00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:34,360
And it probably led to her childhood, it was because of her childhood.

816
00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,840
So I'm not out to judge her.

817
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:41,040
I am out to keep the flashlight on me and heal me.

818
00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:42,040
Yeah.

819
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:43,520
So that's what I want people to know.

820
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:48,360
And I say that a lot in my, in my coaching, keep the flashlight on you.

821
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:54,120
If you keep the flashlight on you, amen, then you will shine.

822
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:58,160
You know, it's so funny that you say that cause I've always, I've thought of a lot of

823
00:35:58,160 --> 00:35:59,160
ways.

824
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:07,720
I've always said for me, it took me a long time into my thirties to stop blaming my mom.

825
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:11,320
Because we didn't have a very good relationship growing up because she was raised the same

826
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:14,800
thing with a divorced mother in the sixties.

827
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:16,560
She was a kind of a party girl.

828
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:19,880
My, you know, so my mom was kind of, even though she was raised by her grandmother, she

829
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:22,000
was also kind of the big sister.

830
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:23,000
She had to work early.

831
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:27,560
She had to leave all those things that, you know, raised very hard.

832
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:33,120
And then now in the eighties, you know, you're having kids and you're raising your kids just

833
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:37,640
as hard as, you know, we know culturally you're there to be seen, not heard, you know, you're

834
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:38,960
not going to embarrass me.

835
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:42,480
You're going to, there was no, there was no connection really other than this is my mom.

836
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:43,480
Right.

837
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:45,240
You love your parents because they're your parents, but that was it.

838
00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:48,520
And it was like a lot of corporal punishment, a lot of corporal punishment, right?

839
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:50,240
At least on my side.

840
00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:54,280
And I look back at what you just said reminded me of something that, that I don't even think

841
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:55,280
I've ever said on my podcast.

842
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:59,520
I've told people that know me and we think about what is it about?

843
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:04,760
When is it in our childhoods that we can all of a sudden we know there was a shift and

844
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,840
we didn't, we don't realize until we're older that this is what causes this stuff.

845
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:11,720
But for me, I was about 11 years old and I just want to tell this story really quick

846
00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:16,400
because it ties in so much to what you were just saying because it helps people, I think

847
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:20,320
really think back to where was that shift in my life.

848
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:23,640
If I can remember it, cause a lot of people can't remember it, that I really felt I'm

849
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:25,280
in this alone.

850
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:28,720
And for me, I was about 11, 11, about 11 years old.

851
00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:30,840
I was like fourth grade, right?

852
00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:35,120
And I had my first little crush and my first little boy, like my first little boyfriend,

853
00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:38,280
you know, whatever you're a little 11 year old boyfriend is whatever.

854
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:42,120
And we were together for like a month or again, whatever that means at 11.

855
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:45,880
And I remember one day I come into school, right?

856
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:49,600
And I find out my oldest friends, well, he doesn't want to be considered my boyfriend

857
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:51,920
anymore, whatever it was.

858
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:53,240
I was heartbroken.

859
00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:54,240
I was devastated.

860
00:37:54,240 --> 00:37:55,240
I'm 11.

861
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:56,240
I like this boy so much.

862
00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:59,000
I mean, like I'm all funny looking and you know, chubby and small myself, whatever

863
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,040
the case would be at 11, you're all awkward, right?

864
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:06,680
And I remember going after school in the room with my sister, we shared a room in our apartment

865
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:07,840
in New York.

866
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:09,520
And I said, I'm really sad about this.

867
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:10,520
My sister's nine.

868
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,840
Like what is she going to do and say, just sit there and listen, right?

869
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,680
Like she was like, okay, eight, nine years old.

870
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:18,080
And I said, I feel like I need to talk to mom about this.

871
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:19,560
And she was like, okay, good luck.

872
00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:22,560
Cause even then she was like, yeah, I don't know what you think that's going to help,

873
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:23,560
right?

874
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:28,960
But you want to go to your parents for comfort regardless of how of anything else, regardless

875
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:32,920
of what you know of them, who they are, you want comfort from your parents.

876
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:36,480
I remember going into her room and she's sitting in the bed having her after work snacks.

877
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:40,960
She's watching her novellas and I walk in and I said, mom, can you see how vividly I

878
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:44,920
remember every detail because it stuck to me my whole life.

879
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:47,560
And I walked in the room and I said, mom, can I talk to you for a minute?

880
00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:48,960
And she said, yeah, make it quick.

881
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:49,960
I'm watching my show.

882
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:50,960
It's like, okay.

883
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,280
So she pauses the show.

884
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:56,800
And I said, so something about like I broke up, I got broken up, but he said, you don't

885
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,000
want to be with me, whatever I said to her.

886
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:02,200
And she literally just looked at me and was like, don't worry about some stupid boy.

887
00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:03,200
Now leave me alone.

888
00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:05,880
I'm watching my show.

889
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:11,760
And I walked out the room and after that I walked to my sister's room and I remember

890
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:14,400
realizing at that moment I'm alone in this.

891
00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:22,440
I was going to say she had no clue what she did was let her, she let you know I can't

892
00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:25,800
count on you with something that's very dear to me.

893
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:30,440
It may not seem important to you, but it's very important to me.

894
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:31,440
Yep.

895
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:32,840
I can't trust you with my feelings.

896
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:33,840
Right.

897
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,480
You didn't see me.

898
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:36,480
That's right.

899
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:37,480
Oh.

900
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:41,160
And I'll never forget it because that was exactly the moment I said I can't ever go

901
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:42,480
to her again for these things.

902
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:43,640
Oh my goodness.

903
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:44,960
I was 11 years old.

904
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:49,000
So it just made me think about your situation where you were saying you were 10 and you

905
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:53,200
just all of a sudden went into this mode where you realized this is what my role is.

906
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:55,720
This is now how I have to be.

907
00:39:55,720 --> 00:39:56,720
Absolutely.

908
00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:57,720
Absolutely.

909
00:39:57,720 --> 00:39:58,720
Yeah.

910
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:02,240
And it's, and it didn't, you know, it's so crazy because it just continued.

911
00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:04,880
You know, it was definitely confirmed.

912
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:08,440
It was confirmed when she would fall asleep with a cigarette in her hand and burn the

913
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:09,440
couch up under her.

914
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:10,840
You know what I mean?

915
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:14,280
My mother went through the same thing with her mother.

916
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:15,280
Yeah.

917
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:16,280
And it's unfortunate.

918
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:21,320
And you know, it's just like when me and mom after we wrote the book, we, we crossed

919
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,680
the, you read it, you read it.

920
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:28,640
And so I had to tell her, you're going to read things that you don't know about.

921
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:30,880
And because I lived my own, I signed.

922
00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:31,880
Of course.

923
00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:34,440
I, they never had her signature at my school.

924
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:35,440
Never.

925
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:38,640
You know, you would think a mom would be like, am I supposed to sign some paperwork?

926
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:39,640
Yeah.

927
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:42,680
And I was like, no, no, report cards, everything.

928
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:44,280
She never, I did everything.

929
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:45,360
You raised yourself.

930
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:46,360
I did.

931
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:47,360
Yes.

932
00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:50,040
It was like there's certain things that you're going to, that you're going to read that you

933
00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:51,040
don't know about.

934
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:52,440
I know you don't.

935
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:54,960
Not because you didn't love me, not because, you know what I'm saying?

936
00:40:54,960 --> 00:40:56,360
But it's what it is.

937
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:57,360
Right.

938
00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:58,880
I'm going to, and this is what I told her.

939
00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:05,480
I said, I want you to know that I don't want you to feel guilty about anything because

940
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:07,480
I love me.

941
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:12,840
I'm an amazing individual because of what I went through.

942
00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:14,160
Yes.

943
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:16,760
Some of it had to have a whole lot of therapy.

944
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,040
Oh hell yeah.

945
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:20,040
But guess what?

946
00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:21,040
I'm amazing.

947
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:22,040
Yeah.

948
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:23,040
I am amazing.

949
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:28,840
And there is no guarantee that I would be who I am today if any of that had been easier.

950
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:30,760
I'll say it again.

951
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:34,440
So free yourself now before you read any of that.

952
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:35,440
Yeah.

953
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:39,120
And growing up probably until 35, we just weren't close.

954
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:42,280
I was always very close to my aunt who was like a mom to me.

955
00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:43,920
And she had some jealousy there.

956
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:48,160
You know, my aunt is like her younger sister by like three or four years.

957
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:52,520
We were like, oh my gosh, like that was, she was everything to me.

958
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:53,520
Yeah.

959
00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:57,120
It was hard for her to see, but she was the one that was there when I needed.

960
00:41:57,120 --> 00:41:58,680
Yeah, of course.

961
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:03,280
So you know, but me and mom today, we have this beautiful relationship.

962
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:11,640
I'm grateful to be able to say that we were able to sit down and have certain conversations

963
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:16,840
and be able to free her from her guilt, even though like certain times, like she will never,

964
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:21,600
I'll never, I won't say I won't tell her about it, but I'll tell her not to listen to this

965
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:22,960
interview.

966
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,600
Not because it's not a great interview.

967
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:29,840
Not because it can't help other people, but because her guilt.

968
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:30,840
Yes.

969
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:34,280
And really it hits her when she hears about what I went through as a child.

970
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:35,280
Yeah.

971
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:36,280
It really tears her up.

972
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:37,280
Yeah.

973
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:41,040
So I'm like, no, you're not, you're not that, that 18 year old that had me.

974
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:42,040
That's right.

975
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,040
You're not that person anymore.

976
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:45,600
So you can feel that guilt.

977
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:47,960
I need for you to be who you are today.

978
00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:48,960
Exactly.

979
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:51,080
59 year old, beautiful individual.

980
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,200
And that's such a blessing, right?

981
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:59,080
That loves her grandchildren, loves her great-grands, loves me in ways that, you know, we talk all

982
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:02,120
the time is so beautiful, but I'm lucky.

983
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:03,640
I'm lucky when it comes to that.

984
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:08,640
I have so many friends whose parents will not even see their side.

985
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:09,640
I know.

986
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:10,640
You know what I mean?

987
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:11,640
I know.

988
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:14,640
They don't even acknowledge the pain that they went through when they were children.

989
00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:15,640
Yeah.

990
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:17,200
So I'm so grateful for that.

991
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:19,400
So that is a blessing for me.

992
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:25,080
However, I think that me being able to free her and forgive her made it easier for me

993
00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:27,440
to move on in my life and be who I am.

994
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:28,440
Of course.

995
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:31,080
And you were able to express your boundaries.

996
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:32,080
Yes.

997
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,240
You were able to say, what now?

998
00:43:34,240 --> 00:43:35,240
I'm older now.

999
00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:36,520
I know better now.

1000
00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:37,840
And now it's my turn.

1001
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:38,840
Absolutely.

1002
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:39,840
It is my turn.

1003
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:42,880
It's like I've taken care of you and these situations long enough.

1004
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:43,880
It's my turn.

1005
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:47,760
You know, it's so funny that you mention about there are people that don't talk about it.

1006
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,520
Parents that don't acknowledge it, you know, and I'm the same way.

1007
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,240
Like I don't even really tell my mother.

1008
00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:54,360
She knows I do my podcast obviously, but I don't really tell her anymore.

1009
00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:55,760
Go make sure you go listen to these episodes.

1010
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:57,200
I'm like, if you want to, you know what's there.

1011
00:43:57,200 --> 00:43:58,200
Go for it, whatever.

1012
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,880
But I have to say ahead of time as well, I talk about my life.

1013
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:03,440
I talk about my past.

1014
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:04,440
These are real events.

1015
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:06,240
They're not things I'm making up.

1016
00:44:06,240 --> 00:44:11,880
And a lot of times because of denial, parents have a lot of denial and guilt.

1017
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:14,960
They, they, they'll sit there and go, I can't believe you said that out loud.

1018
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:15,960
Well, guess what?

1019
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:17,840
It's also cathartic for me.

1020
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:20,040
This is this, we didn't have social media back then.

1021
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:22,200
And yet we were all raised somehow the same.

1022
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,200
Explain this.

1023
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,200
Like I still like it, it's an off.

1024
00:44:25,200 --> 00:44:26,840
I have always found myself in awe.

1025
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:30,040
When I'm like, how do people around the world do the same exact things?

1026
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:31,880
We didn't have no way to keep in touch with each other.

1027
00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:37,320
It just was the way generationally things happened to this day, you know, or not really

1028
00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:38,320
now.

1029
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:40,800
I think my mom is more open minded now as, as she's gotten older.

1030
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:43,440
But just a few years ago, she would look at me, my sister and be like, Oh, you're such

1031
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:45,960
little liars.

1032
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,840
And I used to be like, we're both lying.

1033
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:53,080
Like because it was that denial that she had from shame, right?

1034
00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:57,480
And I got to a point when I started saying to myself, I'm not blaming you anymore.

1035
00:44:57,480 --> 00:44:58,480
Right.

1036
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:02,720
I can't anything that I've done in my adult years, whereas my choices.

1037
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:06,880
Yes, I made certain choices because I didn't know better and all I saw was certain things.

1038
00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:08,480
And I thought that's the way things were supposed to be.

1039
00:45:08,480 --> 00:45:12,840
But at a certain point as an adult, you're making your own choices.

1040
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,800
And now you have to come through those.

1041
00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:19,240
My dad just recently, we started having some really deep conversations and he would sit

1042
00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:22,200
there and cry because of all the guilty felt of not knowing things.

1043
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:23,400
We were kids that we went through whatever.

1044
00:45:23,400 --> 00:45:25,960
And I was like, dad, I get it.

1045
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:27,960
But what's done is done.

1046
00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:30,840
You know, we raise our parents just as much as they raise us.

1047
00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:35,920
It's like kids raise, I look now and I'm like, I'm just going by the seat of my damn pants

1048
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:36,920
raising these kids.

1049
00:45:36,920 --> 00:45:38,080
I'm like, there's no way in hell.

1050
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:39,080
I'm perfect.

1051
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:41,960
I'm sure I've traumatized them more ways than I'd like to admit.

1052
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:42,960
And I'm aware of it.

1053
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:47,920
So I try to fix it every day, but imagine not being open enough to be aware of it.

1054
00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:48,920
Right.

1055
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:50,240
That's it.

1056
00:45:50,240 --> 00:45:54,160
Because you know, the goal is to live authentically ourselves.

1057
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:55,160
Right.

1058
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:56,160
Yeah.

1059
00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:57,160
They didn't know that.

1060
00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:58,960
No, they were, they were people pleasing.

1061
00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:03,240
They were trying to keep up with the Joneses and, you know, do this and do that.

1062
00:46:03,240 --> 00:46:05,280
And you have to be this and be that.

1063
00:46:05,280 --> 00:46:07,120
That's it's a lot.

1064
00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:09,320
Assimilate generational traumas, passed downs.

1065
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:10,720
I mean, keep your mouth quiet.

1066
00:46:10,720 --> 00:46:12,600
Never speak about what's going on in your household.

1067
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:13,600
Yes.

1068
00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:18,600
What is in this house, this house, if that's, that is so sad.

1069
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:24,040
You know, and I know, I know that, you know, the trauma is passed down because, you know,

1070
00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:28,400
if we think about our grandmothers or in grandfathers, there are certain things, it may be a little

1071
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:32,160
bit different than our parents, but it's certain things that we saw in them that we just thought

1072
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:33,640
our grandmothers is what it is.

1073
00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:34,640
You know what I mean?

1074
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:35,640
Exactly.

1075
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:39,400
My grandmother would do things like, okay, so she had a fence around our house and when

1076
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:41,760
friends would come over, we'd walk home from school.

1077
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,800
She'd go, you need to stand on the inside of the gate and they have to stand on the outside

1078
00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:45,800
of the gate.

1079
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:47,800
Like, what, what, what does that mean?

1080
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:48,800
What does that mean?

1081
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:49,800
Right.

1082
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:50,800
But you were used to it.

1083
00:46:50,800 --> 00:47:00,080
But now that I'm older, I'm like, something must have happened to her and somehow she

1084
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,720
feels like that's a protection.

1085
00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:06,760
She was protecting me by having me on the inside of the gate.

1086
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:12,600
Now I don't know why she wouldn't protect my friends.

1087
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:13,600
But okay.

1088
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:15,160
She didn't want any responsibility.

1089
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:17,960
As soon as someone's inside that gate, they're her responsibility.

1090
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:18,960
Something happens.

1091
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:19,960
Absolutely.

1092
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:24,560
So that there is something from her childhood or her upbringing that made that happen.

1093
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:25,560
Right.

1094
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:28,960
So it's so many reasons that we do so many different things.

1095
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:35,640
It's just, you know, but we can only continue to try to be better, try to grow and teach

1096
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:38,240
our children to be authentically themselves.

1097
00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:39,520
That's right.

1098
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:42,360
When they want to say no, give them the right to say no.

1099
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:43,360
Full stop.

1100
00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:46,160
Give them boundaries, give them the right to have boundaries.

1101
00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:48,680
You know, one thing that like, okay, my grandkids come over.

1102
00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:52,240
They're like, I'm like, come give team my hug.

1103
00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:56,240
No, I don't really want to hug you.

1104
00:47:56,240 --> 00:47:57,240
Exactly.

1105
00:47:57,240 --> 00:47:58,240
That's a huge one for me.

1106
00:47:58,240 --> 00:47:59,240
Their parents will go.

1107
00:47:59,240 --> 00:48:00,240
Their parents will go.

1108
00:48:00,240 --> 00:48:02,960
You better, you better not tell them they have to come over here.

1109
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:04,280
They don't have to hug me.

1110
00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:08,080
If they don't feel like that's what they want to do in this moment.

1111
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,640
It doesn't, it doesn't mean they don't love me.

1112
00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:12,640
It means that they don't want to hug me right now.

1113
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:16,320
How high is it that we put so much weight?

1114
00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:19,440
It's not disrespectful for them to feel the way that they feel at that moment.

1115
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:20,520
That's right.

1116
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:21,520
It's okay.

1117
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:24,640
Now what you need to do is go, well, is everything okay?

1118
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:25,640
Yeah.

1119
00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:26,640
Yeah.

1120
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:27,640
That's the question.

1121
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:28,640
Yeah.

1122
00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:30,200
Don't, don't punish them for something.

1123
00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:31,640
I say it all the time.

1124
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:32,640
I say all the time.

1125
00:48:32,640 --> 00:48:35,400
I say, go say, how do your grandparents, they're here or whatever the case would be.

1126
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:37,520
And my son will be in his room and he'll run out.

1127
00:48:37,520 --> 00:48:42,320
And at that point, if he could walk out and be like, hi, Leila, or run and give his

1128
00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:45,280
grandmother a hug, it just, there's no, there's none of that for it.

1129
00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:50,000
Because I use, I say that all the time is that we have a, we had a bad habit when little

1130
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:56,320
was like a kiss and hug on people we didn't know when, and your creepy uncles and uncles,

1131
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:59,360
quote unquote, the ones that weren't actually your uncles, but just were around, you know,

1132
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:03,160
when you always had to have somebody lipstick on your face and touching you.

1133
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,120
And I was like, it didn't matter how close you were.

1134
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:07,960
There was sometimes you would just, you see how many kids are always like, ugh.

1135
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:11,840
So you're so, and so always kissing me on the mouth or always putting their face.

1136
00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:13,560
And you just have to accept it.

1137
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:14,560
That's traumatizing.

1138
00:49:14,560 --> 00:49:15,560
Absolutely.

1139
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:17,480
That is not respecting their boundaries.

1140
00:49:17,480 --> 00:49:18,600
That's right.

1141
00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:22,120
Because a lot of times when we were growing up, kids weren't seen as people.

1142
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:23,920
Thank you.

1143
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:26,160
I refuse, I refuse to have mine do that.

1144
00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:27,160
I'm not gonna do it.

1145
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:28,160
I'm not gonna do it.

1146
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:31,880
So let me ask you, because based again, I'll say it on your experience and all the interviews

1147
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:36,200
you've done and everything you've heard and learned, many people feel so stuck in their

1148
00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:39,280
patterns up until God knows what age is, right?

1149
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:45,520
So what's one small step someone can take today to start breaking free?

1150
00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:48,080
One small step that they can take today.

1151
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:57,720
Now, some people may not feel like this is a small step, but being real with yourself.

1152
00:49:57,720 --> 00:49:59,400
Be real with yourself.

1153
00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:03,000
You know, that's the first step to the work.

1154
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:09,120
Because in the work, unless you are real with yourself, if you are lying to yourself,

1155
00:50:09,120 --> 00:50:11,760
then you can't help yourself.

1156
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:12,760
That's right.

1157
00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:18,160
When I first started this journey, I was told that I needed to look in the mirror and tell

1158
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:20,680
myself about myself.

1159
00:50:20,680 --> 00:50:22,080
And that's just not the good stuff.

1160
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:23,080
That's not Uggur.

1161
00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:24,080
You gotta keep smiling.

1162
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:25,080
You gotta have nice personality.

1163
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,600
Oh, you love heart.

1164
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:28,600
It had to be real.

1165
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:29,600
It was you're a liar.

1166
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:30,600
You're a manipulator, right?

1167
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:31,600
Yeah.

1168
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:37,680
In order to heal a thing, you have to name a thing.

1169
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:38,680
Self-awareness.

1170
00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:39,680
Absolutely.

1171
00:50:39,680 --> 00:50:40,680
Yeah.

1172
00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:42,520
Be real with you.

1173
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:46,320
You know, we are beautiful all with who we are.

1174
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:47,320
Absolutely.

1175
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:49,920
If you ever change this again, you are beautiful in who you are.

1176
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:50,920
Yes.

1177
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:51,920
Right?

1178
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:52,920
But get better.

1179
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:53,920
Everyday.

1180
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:54,920
Be real with yourself.

1181
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:56,160
Be real with you.

1182
00:50:56,160 --> 00:51:03,360
If you have certain flaws in order to change it, you have to actually see it.

1183
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:04,360
Yeah.

1184
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:06,200
You have to acknowledge it.

1185
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:10,400
You know, it may not feel like a small step, but I feel there's no where it is.

1186
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:11,400
Oh, it is.

1187
00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:12,400
With you.

1188
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:13,400
It is.

1189
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:16,320
It does take time, you know, to look in that mirror.

1190
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:20,600
And so many of us have gone through things that we look in the mirror and we do not recognize

1191
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:23,440
the person staring back at us.

1192
00:51:23,440 --> 00:51:29,760
And whether we never knew who that was or we lost the person we were or we're trying

1193
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:34,080
to say or we let someone else suck that soul and that spirit out of us and all you see

1194
00:51:34,080 --> 00:51:35,080
is hollow.

1195
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:36,360
I saw hollow eyes.

1196
00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:42,680
I was like, I was heavier and so hollow eyes and I'm like, who the hell is this whiny ass

1197
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:47,880
little person when I knew that was never who I was?

1198
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:55,360
And then I realized it was because I allowed the influence of other people's stuff and

1199
00:51:55,360 --> 00:52:03,600
problems on me and it sucked me dry and it forced me to look deep inside.

1200
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:07,880
You know, and I think what you're saying is spot on for what it's worth.

1201
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:12,280
Self-awareness is hard as hell.

1202
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:13,780
It is.

1203
00:52:13,780 --> 00:52:18,000
That's how you know what, when you don't want to deal with this, you don't want to, you

1204
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:21,760
know, have this in your life and you have to take a hard look at the people that are

1205
00:52:21,760 --> 00:52:22,880
around you.

1206
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:23,880
Yeah.

1207
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:27,120
Because we surround ourselves with what we're comfortable with.

1208
00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:30,440
And if you've been a people, please, or all of your life, you're dealing with people who

1209
00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:31,840
you, who want to be pleased.

1210
00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:32,840
Yeah.

1211
00:52:32,840 --> 00:52:34,960
That's not who you should have around you.

1212
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:38,360
And so many people are so scared of what that means.

1213
00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:41,160
Who am I going to lose?

1214
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:42,360
Am I going to be lonely?

1215
00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:43,720
Let him go.

1216
00:52:43,720 --> 00:52:45,960
And you realize, you know what?

1217
00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:50,680
Being lonely and being alone are two completely different things.

1218
00:52:50,680 --> 00:52:53,160
Oh, I'm going to scare you.

1219
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:54,160
Completely.

1220
00:52:54,160 --> 00:53:01,960
I would rather be alone and happy than be lonely with a thousand people around me.

1221
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:05,640
And I think the other thing is real quick, I know I'm talking a lot, but.

1222
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:06,800
Oh, absolutely not.

1223
00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:07,800
Thank you.

1224
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:10,040
That's what you're here for.

1225
00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:15,080
People need to know what it feels like to be genuinely happy.

1226
00:53:15,080 --> 00:53:20,640
Like go back in your head and think about what, again, that's that body.

1227
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:24,400
What did it feel like in my body when I was genuinely happy?

1228
00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:26,200
I don't care if you got to go back to being 13.

1229
00:53:26,200 --> 00:53:27,200
That's right.

1230
00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:28,480
Go back and find it.

1231
00:53:28,480 --> 00:53:35,600
For me, it was when I had this, I was in this healthy chapter of my life.

1232
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:40,760
Every morning I would wake up and I would feel sunshine come out of my chest.

1233
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:42,360
Every morning.

1234
00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:47,760
And it's kind of like you realize that things are happening when they're happening, but

1235
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:48,840
you don't.

1236
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:52,560
When it goes away, you don't really realize it until it happens again.

1237
00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:56,200
It's just like that in a while.

1238
00:53:56,200 --> 00:54:01,600
So when I had that good day where I woke up and had that feeling, I said, Oh, I used to

1239
00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:04,640
feel this way all the time.

1240
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:13,760
What do I need to do in my life to ensure that at least 90% of my days, I wake up with

1241
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:14,760
that sunshine.

1242
00:54:14,760 --> 00:54:17,120
You're waking up the same way.

1243
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:20,120
And the reality is there's so much evil in this world.

1244
00:54:20,120 --> 00:54:22,400
I mean, we're seeing it every single day.

1245
00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:25,360
We don't have a clue what tomorrow's going to look like.

1246
00:54:25,360 --> 00:54:27,240
We don't know what later today is going to look like now.

1247
00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:32,520
What's going on, let alone a year, two, three, four years anyway.

1248
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:33,840
We don't know, right?

1249
00:54:33,840 --> 00:54:40,160
So what's like trying to do what you can to love and protect yourself and the people around

1250
00:54:40,160 --> 00:54:43,960
you right now is the most we can focus on.

1251
00:54:43,960 --> 00:54:48,040
You know, it's like we need to fight for what we feel is worth it.

1252
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:52,240
And that includes more importantly, most importantly yourself.

1253
00:54:52,240 --> 00:54:55,800
You can't take care of anybody else properly.

1254
00:54:55,800 --> 00:55:00,480
You can't be your best self and take care of other people by giving everything to them.

1255
00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:02,560
And it's such an important message.

1256
00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:06,360
You need to, I always say, do what makes you happy in an unselfish way, right?

1257
00:55:06,360 --> 00:55:07,600
Because people here do what makes you happy.

1258
00:55:07,600 --> 00:55:10,440
They go, Oh, I'm just going to, I'm just going to take care of me.

1259
00:55:10,440 --> 00:55:11,600
I don't care about anybody else.

1260
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:12,600
That's not what it means.

1261
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:13,600
There has to be balance.

1262
00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:14,600
There has to be balance.

1263
00:55:14,600 --> 00:55:16,400
It has to be balance, right?

1264
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:20,600
You have to feel like for you, what you're doing for yourself is not just making you

1265
00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:25,200
happy, but is napping a detriment to anybody else.

1266
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:26,720
And there is, it's, it's a balance.

1267
00:55:26,720 --> 00:55:33,400
And I think that as long as somebody is self-aware enough, they can, they can make that, that

1268
00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:38,480
distinction and live genuinely and authentically, you know?

1269
00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:42,360
So how do you personally stay motivated and committed to your healing journey?

1270
00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:45,080
Cause we know it's not, we know it's not linear.

1271
00:55:45,080 --> 00:55:47,120
It comes in waves.

1272
00:55:47,120 --> 00:55:48,680
And we're not always perfect every day.

1273
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:51,880
God knows I had just this weekend, people looked at me and were probably like, damn,

1274
00:55:51,880 --> 00:55:54,640
she is being a witch today, you know?

1275
00:55:54,640 --> 00:55:56,560
And I'm like, like I'm aware.

1276
00:55:56,560 --> 00:55:57,560
I'm that self-aware.

1277
00:55:57,560 --> 00:55:59,280
It doesn't mean I'm changing it this way.

1278
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:00,760
But that's how I feel.

1279
00:56:00,760 --> 00:56:05,400
But I'm able to sit back at the end of the day and go, what was causing that?

1280
00:56:05,400 --> 00:56:07,400
Yeah, exactly.

1281
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:12,520
So to keep me on track, which again, we all have our ups and downs.

1282
00:56:12,520 --> 00:56:15,520
We have good days.

1283
00:56:15,520 --> 00:56:16,520
It's community.

1284
00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:23,760
I think having your community and being able to talk to people like you.

1285
00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:27,120
I have a, I have a Facebook group.

1286
00:56:27,120 --> 00:56:28,120
You do?

1287
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:29,120
I just joined it.

1288
00:56:29,120 --> 00:56:30,120
No, thank you.

1289
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:31,120
I did.

1290
00:56:31,120 --> 00:56:32,960
I co-dependent me.

1291
00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:39,600
And there, there are times that I just go on there and talk, talk about my day.

1292
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:42,800
And what's beautiful is that people will respond.

1293
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:45,680
I was going through the same thing or keep your head up.

1294
00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:47,880
You know, all the things.

1295
00:56:47,880 --> 00:56:51,360
And it lets, it allows me to know that I'm not alone.

1296
00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:54,960
You're never alone in whatever you're going through, whether it's a, you're not the only

1297
00:56:54,960 --> 00:56:55,960
one having a bad day.

1298
00:56:55,960 --> 00:56:57,960
You're not the only one having a great day.

1299
00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:01,320
You're not the only one that's might be so close to depression.

1300
00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:02,920
You're never alone.

1301
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:07,120
That's why it's best to always talk about it to someone.

1302
00:57:07,120 --> 00:57:08,120
Talk about it.

1303
00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:10,360
It'll, it'll put you back on track.

1304
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:11,600
Yeah.

1305
00:57:11,600 --> 00:57:17,800
There are so many moments, I think in people's lives and hours as well that again, it goes

1306
00:57:17,800 --> 00:57:23,560
back to the way we were raised about not speaking up, that throat chakra stays closed

1307
00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:28,480
because the reality is we think people don't understand.

1308
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:30,920
You feel in your circle, nobody understands.

1309
00:57:30,920 --> 00:57:33,520
You have to widen your circle.

1310
00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:38,240
Sometimes you have to open up that circle and say, Oh my goodness, I know this woman

1311
00:57:38,240 --> 00:57:39,880
lives for example in Nashville.

1312
00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:40,880
Right.

1313
00:57:40,880 --> 00:57:42,400
And I am a New Jersey.

1314
00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:43,400
Right.

1315
00:57:43,400 --> 00:57:47,760
But it's almost like we were raised a lot of ways, exactly the same and being there

1316
00:57:47,760 --> 00:57:53,280
to have the same experiences and also different experiences, but help each other along those

1317
00:57:53,280 --> 00:57:57,400
roads and all those healing journeys with support.

1318
00:57:57,400 --> 00:58:01,320
And that's for, that's really for anything that, you know, and especially online on Facebook,

1319
00:58:01,320 --> 00:58:08,280
you can find really like-minded people, you know, with good hearts who are just trying

1320
00:58:08,280 --> 00:58:09,760
to find like-minded people.

1321
00:58:09,760 --> 00:58:14,080
Hey, man, I promise, that's, it's the reason I started it, honestly.

1322
00:58:14,080 --> 00:58:15,080
Yeah.

1323
00:58:15,080 --> 00:58:19,960
Because I, so many people around me didn't understand codependency.

1324
00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:23,360
And you know, I went to Coda, which is codependence anonymous.

1325
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:26,480
I didn't know that was a thing, by the way.

1326
00:58:26,480 --> 00:58:28,480
I could have used that.

1327
00:58:28,480 --> 00:58:33,080
Yeah, it's phenomenal.

1328
00:58:33,080 --> 00:58:36,480
But the tribe here really wasn't my tribe.

1329
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:39,880
You know, it was older white women.

1330
00:58:39,880 --> 00:58:40,880
Oh, yeah.

1331
00:58:40,880 --> 00:58:43,360
That was just altogether talking real slow.

1332
00:58:43,360 --> 00:58:49,640
And I, I was like, this is, this is making me want to move away from it, rather.

1333
00:58:49,640 --> 00:58:53,200
So I started my own group through Coda.

1334
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:56,200
And it was at that library, it was like 2019 when I did this.

1335
00:58:56,200 --> 00:59:01,960
And people started coming, like from different universities, professors started knowing about

1336
00:59:01,960 --> 00:59:05,280
it and started bringing their students, learning more about codependency.

1337
00:59:05,280 --> 00:59:09,120
Because again, it was, it was just, just word flying around, but nobody really understood

1338
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:10,120
it.

1339
00:59:10,120 --> 00:59:11,120
Yeah.

1340
00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:15,760
So when the pandemic hit and we couldn't meet in person anymore, that's when I started

1341
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:19,720
the podcast because I needed, that's my community.

1342
00:59:19,720 --> 00:59:20,720
That's a community.

1343
00:59:20,720 --> 00:59:26,000
And that means, and it's so many people out there in need of help that, you know, that

1344
00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:27,520
need to know that they matter.

1345
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:29,880
But again, you matter and your story matters.

1346
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:31,120
That's what I, that's my tagline.

1347
00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:32,120
That's right.

1348
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:33,120
And your story matters.

1349
00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:34,120
Everybody matters.

1350
00:59:34,120 --> 00:59:35,120
Yeah.

1351
00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:36,120
And I don't know it.

1352
00:59:36,120 --> 00:59:37,920
That is the biggest problem.

1353
00:59:37,920 --> 00:59:41,800
And the thing is, it's hard sometimes it does, it takes time to find the right community

1354
00:59:41,800 --> 00:59:43,200
for you.

1355
00:59:43,200 --> 00:59:47,440
You want people who it's kind of hard sometimes to listen to some people that you're like,

1356
00:59:47,440 --> 00:59:52,480
I get that no one is taken away from your journey and you're healing.

1357
00:59:52,480 --> 00:59:55,440
I just can't relate to it in the same way.

1358
00:59:55,440 --> 01:00:00,040
And I have to have people who understand where I'm coming from that I can support the same

1359
01:00:00,040 --> 01:00:01,040
way.

1360
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:03,720
Cause I just can't relate to this, you know, and that's okay.

1361
01:00:03,720 --> 01:00:04,720
And that's okay.

1362
01:00:04,720 --> 01:00:07,040
You know, everybody's not for everybody.

1363
01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:08,040
That's right.

1364
01:00:08,040 --> 01:00:09,720
There's eight billion people in the world.

1365
01:00:09,720 --> 01:00:12,840
You can find as many as you need.

1366
01:00:12,840 --> 01:00:14,360
And I think that's what's so beautiful.

1367
01:00:14,360 --> 01:00:20,440
We would just allow ourselves permission to not have to get along with everyone.

1368
01:00:20,440 --> 01:00:21,440
It doesn't mean hate them.

1369
01:00:21,440 --> 01:00:23,160
It doesn't mean that, you know, that's right.

1370
01:00:23,160 --> 01:00:25,640
No, that there's going to be a fight.

1371
01:00:25,640 --> 01:00:27,440
It's just, you're not my thing.

1372
01:00:27,440 --> 01:00:29,760
I don't like, you know, pepperoni pizza.

1373
01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:34,320
It doesn't mean that, you know, pizza should, you know, feel ashamed.

1374
01:00:34,320 --> 01:00:35,320
It's okay.

1375
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:36,320
I like the mushroom.

1376
01:00:36,320 --> 01:00:37,320
It's all right.

1377
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:38,320
You know,

1378
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:39,320
We can have that community.

1379
01:00:39,320 --> 01:00:44,800
I'm telling you the mushroom eaters pizza community.

1380
01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:45,800
I'm down.

1381
01:00:45,800 --> 01:00:46,800
I love it.

1382
01:00:46,800 --> 01:00:47,800
I love it.

1383
01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:48,800
That's really funny.

1384
01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:52,680
See, and the thing is, I know your podcast has helped so many people.

1385
01:00:52,680 --> 01:00:57,880
You have so many amazing episodes on there years worth of years and years worth of episodes,

1386
01:00:57,880 --> 01:01:02,640
you know, and so if you could think back, and this is going to be hard to do.

1387
01:01:02,640 --> 01:01:06,880
I'm going to put you on the spot here.

1388
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:12,040
Was there a particular guest or a story that really stuck with you?

1389
01:01:12,040 --> 01:01:13,040
Yes.

1390
01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:15,160
A few years back.

1391
01:01:15,160 --> 01:01:16,920
Oh, that was easier than I thought.

1392
01:01:16,920 --> 01:01:17,920
No, it's you.

1393
01:01:17,920 --> 01:01:23,120
I bring it up a lot because with the whole codependency thing, you, because it's a codependent

1394
01:01:23,120 --> 01:01:24,120
podcast.

1395
01:01:24,120 --> 01:01:25,120
Hello.

1396
01:01:25,120 --> 01:01:31,920
Um, there's a, I hear a lot of different stories, a lot of different levels of codependency.

1397
01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:34,800
And one of the things that really hit me, what was her name?

1398
01:01:34,800 --> 01:01:36,760
I think her last name was Florida.

1399
01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:39,080
I can't honestly, I can see her face.

1400
01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:42,040
She's got purple hair and this beautiful woman.

1401
01:01:42,040 --> 01:01:44,480
So they go, you want something you wouldn't forget anyway.

1402
01:01:44,480 --> 01:01:53,520
They, um, she told me that in her codependency that she was so, she was so people pleasing

1403
01:01:53,520 --> 01:01:59,720
with her husband that somebody asked her one day what her favorite color was and she couldn't

1404
01:01:59,720 --> 01:02:00,720
remember.

1405
01:02:00,720 --> 01:02:03,440
So I asked her what her favorite meal was.

1406
01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:08,800
It couldn't come to mind, but she could tell you what his favorite color favorite meal

1407
01:02:08,800 --> 01:02:10,640
was.

1408
01:02:10,640 --> 01:02:14,080
She said she was so, she people please so much.

1409
01:02:14,080 --> 01:02:16,240
She didn't even know who she was.

1410
01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:18,840
You did not know who she was.

1411
01:02:18,840 --> 01:02:20,280
I've never heard it to that level.

1412
01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:24,320
Well, you don't know what their favorite color is.

1413
01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:27,200
That's why I was like, I think it's purple.

1414
01:02:27,200 --> 01:02:28,200
Right.

1415
01:02:28,200 --> 01:02:30,680
I'm saying, I was going to say it's probably purple, but you know, we all experiment.

1416
01:02:30,680 --> 01:02:31,680
So maybe not.

1417
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:32,680
Yes.

1418
01:02:32,680 --> 01:02:36,640
So it, it, it, it, it pulled my heart strings when she said that.

1419
01:02:36,640 --> 01:02:37,640
That is wild.

1420
01:02:37,640 --> 01:02:38,640
Yeah.

1421
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:39,640
Yeah.

1422
01:02:39,640 --> 01:02:46,160
That is literally engulfing yourself into some morphing yourself into somebody else

1423
01:02:46,160 --> 01:02:51,800
melted herself down and poured herself over her husband, everything that he wanted her

1424
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:52,800
to be.

1425
01:02:52,800 --> 01:02:54,480
Oh my goodness.

1426
01:02:54,480 --> 01:02:55,480
That's heartbreaking.

1427
01:02:55,480 --> 01:03:00,280
And I, and you know what up to this point now, I hope she's been able to really work

1428
01:03:00,280 --> 01:03:05,920
through that because that is, you know, we've all had moments, whether it's our husbands,

1429
01:03:05,920 --> 01:03:11,320
our kids, our parents, our friends, who knows every relationship where we turn into people

1430
01:03:11,320 --> 01:03:12,760
that we don't know who we are.

1431
01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:17,960
And we, and we lose parts of ourselves, but to be that just lost.

1432
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:18,960
Oh yeah.

1433
01:03:18,960 --> 01:03:19,960
Yeah.

1434
01:03:19,960 --> 01:03:20,960
Yeah.

1435
01:03:20,960 --> 01:03:21,960
Oh yeah.

1436
01:03:21,960 --> 01:03:23,280
She's doing, she's doing, she's doing really good.

1437
01:03:23,280 --> 01:03:24,280
She's doing really good.

1438
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:25,280
That's amazing.

1439
01:03:25,280 --> 01:03:26,280
Yeah.

1440
01:03:26,280 --> 01:03:28,160
So that always jumps in.

1441
01:03:28,160 --> 01:03:32,640
Yeah, it's a magnificent, including the one, let's, let's be clear, the one last week

1442
01:03:32,640 --> 01:03:33,640
with you.

1443
01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:34,640
Oh well.

1444
01:03:34,640 --> 01:03:35,640
Oh my gosh.

1445
01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:36,920
It was just phenomenal.

1446
01:03:36,920 --> 01:03:41,080
You were so open, so transparent, so beautiful.

1447
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:42,080
Thank you.

1448
01:03:42,080 --> 01:03:43,080
Oh my God.

1449
01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:44,080
Thank you so much.

1450
01:03:44,080 --> 01:03:45,080
My family was like, oh, I could kick it with her.

1451
01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:46,080
I was like, yeah, I know.

1452
01:03:46,080 --> 01:03:47,080
For real?

1453
01:03:47,080 --> 01:03:48,080
Hello.

1454
01:03:48,080 --> 01:03:52,520
I said I never been to Nashville, but it is on, it is on the list girl.

1455
01:03:52,520 --> 01:03:53,520
Come on.

1456
01:03:53,520 --> 01:03:58,120
Although to be honest, I might be taking a road trip because I know, right?

1457
01:03:58,120 --> 01:04:00,680
It's only, it's only about 12 hours.

1458
01:04:00,680 --> 01:04:01,680
My goodness.

1459
01:04:01,680 --> 01:04:04,640
I guess you're clear of anything else for a while.

1460
01:04:04,640 --> 01:04:05,640
It's fine.

1461
01:04:05,640 --> 01:04:06,640
So they get together.

1462
01:04:06,640 --> 01:04:07,640
That's right.

1463
01:04:07,640 --> 01:04:08,640
I'm good.

1464
01:04:08,640 --> 01:04:11,440
But oh my, thank you so much because I, you know, I felt, again, I started laughing.

1465
01:04:11,440 --> 01:04:14,160
I was listening back and was like, oh my God.

1466
01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:18,480
But what I did tell my sister, and I think, I think she remembers, she told me, she's

1467
01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:21,040
listening to her, she's getting lots of whatever the case would be.

1468
01:04:21,040 --> 01:04:25,560
And I said, oh my God, Gina, I was like, I think, I was like, I didn't realize, but

1469
01:04:25,560 --> 01:04:30,560
it was the most I've ever told of my actual story in one place.

1470
01:04:30,560 --> 01:04:34,040
I mean, obviously with a lot of other little details out, right?

1471
01:04:34,040 --> 01:04:35,040
Yeah.

1472
01:04:35,040 --> 01:04:42,560
But because in my, in my podcast, in this one that you're wonderfully on, I talk of things,

1473
01:04:42,560 --> 01:04:47,280
but little bits at a time, I tell stories here and there, but not into as much depth.

1474
01:04:47,280 --> 01:04:52,920
And when I heard it back, all these other things in between came back to me and I was

1475
01:04:52,920 --> 01:04:59,080
like, oh my gosh, all the things that I felt I should have seen, all the things that I

1476
01:04:59,080 --> 01:05:02,800
said, how do you get to this point twice?

1477
01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:03,800
Right?

1478
01:05:03,800 --> 01:05:09,440
I was like, it was wild to me listening to it back, but it was also one of the most empowering

1479
01:05:09,440 --> 01:05:11,100
moments I've ever had.

1480
01:05:11,100 --> 01:05:15,280
And I've been guest on other podcasts where I talk about things and whatever.

1481
01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:22,480
But for me, it was one of the most empowering that I've ever been on because I felt able

1482
01:05:22,480 --> 01:05:29,360
to say to myself, again, you got to be comfortable with this because you wanted to put your story

1483
01:05:29,360 --> 01:05:33,640
out there because you know, for a fact, other people can relate.

1484
01:05:33,640 --> 01:05:34,640
Absolutely.

1485
01:05:34,640 --> 01:05:39,320
And there was specific people that I sent it to because they're going through currently

1486
01:05:39,320 --> 01:05:40,320
where you are.

1487
01:05:40,320 --> 01:05:42,360
So absolutely keep telling it.

1488
01:05:42,360 --> 01:05:45,920
That's again, you have to talk about it.

1489
01:05:45,920 --> 01:05:47,960
You have to be real about it.

1490
01:05:47,960 --> 01:05:48,960
Yeah.

1491
01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:51,000
You know, it may be things that you want to sleep under the cover.

1492
01:05:51,000 --> 01:05:52,000
No.

1493
01:05:52,000 --> 01:05:53,000
No.

1494
01:05:53,000 --> 01:05:54,000
No.

1495
01:05:54,000 --> 01:05:55,000
No.

1496
01:05:55,000 --> 01:05:59,280
I would say if I wrote a book, I would say if I wrote a book, my exes would want to be

1497
01:05:59,280 --> 01:06:01,160
dead if I wrote that book because they would be dead.

1498
01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:03,760
It's not like people that know me don't know who they are.

1499
01:06:03,760 --> 01:06:04,760
Right.

1500
01:06:04,760 --> 01:06:08,400
They would be like, you know, my mother would want to be also.

1501
01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:09,880
She'd be like, I don't want to mess this up out there.

1502
01:06:09,880 --> 01:06:12,960
They know you're my child, you know.

1503
01:06:12,960 --> 01:06:18,880
So tell me also in that vein, what was for you, what is the most rewarding part of hosting

1504
01:06:18,880 --> 01:06:21,400
the Co-Dependent Me podcast?

1505
01:06:21,400 --> 01:06:23,280
I'm hosting phenomenal people.

1506
01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:29,840
I have met the most amazing people all over the world.

1507
01:06:29,840 --> 01:06:32,800
I mean, I reach out to this woman in Hong Kong.

1508
01:06:32,800 --> 01:06:39,000
I've got guys in Australia and Iceland and just people want to tell that it's just, I

1509
01:06:39,000 --> 01:06:40,000
love that.

1510
01:06:40,000 --> 01:06:41,000
I'm blessed.

1511
01:06:41,000 --> 01:06:42,800
I am so blessed.

1512
01:06:42,800 --> 01:06:45,640
It blesses my soul.

1513
01:06:45,640 --> 01:06:50,440
Every time I meet someone, I'm excited to get on the other side to see who's who else

1514
01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:54,240
is there because you never know what the connection will be.

1515
01:06:54,240 --> 01:06:55,240
Yeah.

1516
01:06:55,240 --> 01:06:58,440
One in the other day, she said, you didn't say a word and I fell in love with you.

1517
01:06:58,440 --> 01:07:02,320
That's exactly it.

1518
01:07:02,320 --> 01:07:04,440
I understand completely.

1519
01:07:04,440 --> 01:07:05,440
Yes.

1520
01:07:05,440 --> 01:07:06,440
Yes.

1521
01:07:06,440 --> 01:07:08,440
You're like, what just happened?

1522
01:07:08,440 --> 01:07:13,160
I just bared my soul to a stranger and I just was the most comfortable ever bit of my

1523
01:07:13,160 --> 01:07:14,160
life.

1524
01:07:14,160 --> 01:07:16,160
It's so beautiful.

1525
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:18,960
It's so, it's so beautiful.

1526
01:07:18,960 --> 01:07:24,920
And I don't, and I have to say that in itself is a gift from God because people have always

1527
01:07:24,920 --> 01:07:25,920
been that way with me.

1528
01:07:25,920 --> 01:07:27,080
My husband used to be upset.

1529
01:07:27,080 --> 01:07:30,640
We'd be in a line at Walgreens and the woman would turn around and like start telling me

1530
01:07:30,640 --> 01:07:31,640
about her day.

1531
01:07:31,640 --> 01:07:33,640
You go, what do you do to people?

1532
01:07:33,640 --> 01:07:37,480
I'm like, I don't know, but you know, it's okay.

1533
01:07:37,480 --> 01:07:38,480
Yeah.

1534
01:07:38,480 --> 01:07:39,480
Yeah.

1535
01:07:39,480 --> 01:07:43,240
And that's funny because I think that we have that in common when my dad would sit there

1536
01:07:43,240 --> 01:07:44,240
saying to me, you know what?

1537
01:07:44,240 --> 01:07:45,240
Cause people would just come to me all the time.

1538
01:07:45,240 --> 01:07:46,760
I'd just say, you should be a therapist.

1539
01:07:46,760 --> 01:07:47,760
A therapist.

1540
01:07:47,760 --> 01:07:48,760
I don't want it.

1541
01:07:48,760 --> 01:07:49,760
I'm not going to get into my own soul.

1542
01:07:49,760 --> 01:07:52,000
I was like, I can't take on the world stuff.

1543
01:07:52,000 --> 01:07:56,280
I was like, I need a different therapist for each day of the week if I was a therapist.

1544
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:57,280
But it's true.

1545
01:07:57,280 --> 01:07:58,280
It's true.

1546
01:07:58,280 --> 01:08:01,320
Sometimes you just have a personality and I, and I definitely feel that with you, just

1547
01:08:01,320 --> 01:08:05,080
this personality that makes you want to be engaging.

1548
01:08:05,080 --> 01:08:08,040
That makes you, that makes you want to be your authentic self.

1549
01:08:08,040 --> 01:08:09,040
Right.

1550
01:08:09,040 --> 01:08:12,200
And you want to get some things off of your chest because most times I don't have to

1551
01:08:12,200 --> 01:08:13,200
say a word.

1552
01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:14,200
Yeah.

1553
01:08:14,200 --> 01:08:18,640
Well, and that's what's so beautiful about my coaching is I can guide people, but most

1554
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:23,720
times at very first session, they feel free just because they're able to get things off

1555
01:08:23,720 --> 01:08:24,720
of their chest.

1556
01:08:24,720 --> 01:08:25,720
I could see that.

1557
01:08:25,720 --> 01:08:27,280
Cause I am nobody.

1558
01:08:27,280 --> 01:08:30,480
They can tell me whatever they want to.

1559
01:08:30,480 --> 01:08:35,880
And there is no judgment and they feel the love and then they can get to the next time

1560
01:08:35,880 --> 01:08:36,880
and then the next time.

1561
01:08:36,880 --> 01:08:40,360
And then we can come up with certain things that can build them up.

1562
01:08:40,360 --> 01:08:41,360
You know what I mean?

1563
01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:44,360
I just, I'm so grateful.

1564
01:08:44,360 --> 01:08:47,360
So grateful with the place that I am in my life right now.

1565
01:08:47,360 --> 01:08:53,480
That is truly, truly blessed me to be able to show my gifts and for people, it's so healing

1566
01:08:53,480 --> 01:08:54,480
for me.

1567
01:08:54,480 --> 01:08:55,980
Yes, it's cathartic.

1568
01:08:55,980 --> 01:08:57,560
Oh, yes.

1569
01:08:57,560 --> 01:08:58,720
It's so cathartic.

1570
01:08:58,720 --> 01:09:00,680
It really, really is.

1571
01:09:00,680 --> 01:09:01,880
Yes.

1572
01:09:01,880 --> 01:09:09,400
So tell me the audience who I'm sure is enraptured right now, realistically, but what's next for

1573
01:09:09,400 --> 01:09:15,040
you in the co-dependent me podcast and exciting projects or future goals, anything going on

1574
01:09:15,040 --> 01:09:17,120
that you want to let the audience know about?

1575
01:09:17,120 --> 01:09:26,080
I am working now on doing courses on codependency, just the whole course of this is where I am,

1576
01:09:26,080 --> 01:09:27,880
this is where I need to be.

1577
01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:33,320
I'm working on courses on boundaries where they can be, I do classes where it's live,

1578
01:09:33,320 --> 01:09:35,640
but I'm going to do some online courses.

1579
01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:36,640
Wow.

1580
01:09:36,640 --> 01:09:42,520
And, oh my goodness, the other thing that I'm so very proud of next week, I'm going to

1581
01:09:42,520 --> 01:09:44,400
Milwaukee, which is my hometown.

1582
01:09:44,400 --> 01:09:45,400
Oh.

1583
01:09:45,400 --> 01:09:50,840
I'm going to work with a group home on a podcast.

1584
01:09:50,840 --> 01:09:51,840
That's awesome.

1585
01:09:51,840 --> 01:09:52,840
Yes.

1586
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:59,680
They, the beautiful young ladies and last year I went and built a studio for them.

1587
01:09:59,680 --> 01:10:01,320
And so we have to use work.

1588
01:10:01,320 --> 01:10:07,120
They come up with the subjects and they have this beautiful podcast and these babies, again,

1589
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:09,240
they have been through, we talk about we has life.

1590
01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:15,840
They had, when we were talking about certain subjects, you know, human trafficking comes

1591
01:10:15,840 --> 01:10:17,680
up.

1592
01:10:17,680 --> 01:10:22,480
These kids are like 12, 13 things that I didn't know about until I was an adult, but this

1593
01:10:22,480 --> 01:10:23,800
is the life that they're living.

1594
01:10:23,800 --> 01:10:25,200
Oh my God.

1595
01:10:25,200 --> 01:10:32,160
So to sit back and know the children are in the spaces that they're in, it's so important

1596
01:10:32,160 --> 01:10:34,240
to get their story out.

1597
01:10:34,240 --> 01:10:36,320
And their podcast is called the Ketchit podcast.

1598
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:37,320
Thank you.

1599
01:10:37,320 --> 01:10:39,000
I was going to say, please send me the info.

1600
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:40,000
I want to hear it.

1601
01:10:40,000 --> 01:10:41,000
I want to post it.

1602
01:10:41,000 --> 01:10:42,000
Oh my goodness.

1603
01:10:42,000 --> 01:10:43,000
That's beautiful.

1604
01:10:43,000 --> 01:10:46,080
So it's, you know, and of course it's very raw.

1605
01:10:46,080 --> 01:10:47,080
Of course.

1606
01:10:47,080 --> 01:10:51,880
You know, they're not going to sit back and try to speak correctly and be all prim and

1607
01:10:51,880 --> 01:10:52,880
proper.

1608
01:10:52,880 --> 01:10:53,880
Now they're kids.

1609
01:10:53,880 --> 01:10:55,880
They're going to say exactly what they're thinking.

1610
01:10:55,880 --> 01:10:57,400
And they've done some shit.

1611
01:10:57,400 --> 01:11:00,000
You know, I think live some things.

1612
01:11:00,000 --> 01:11:06,400
So that's one of the biggest things that I'm so very proud of to do the work with them.

1613
01:11:06,400 --> 01:11:13,240
But as far as me, I am, I've got lots of programs for my coaching.

1614
01:11:13,240 --> 01:11:15,360
I love, I love doing the coaching.

1615
01:11:15,360 --> 01:11:16,880
I love it so much.

1616
01:11:16,880 --> 01:11:17,880
That's it.

1617
01:11:17,880 --> 01:11:19,440
That's it right now.

1618
01:11:19,440 --> 01:11:23,640
You know, other than, you know, I got the, of course we've got the nonprofit and you

1619
01:11:23,640 --> 01:11:25,320
know, this and that and all of that.

1620
01:11:25,320 --> 01:11:27,160
You are a busy lady.

1621
01:11:27,160 --> 01:11:29,280
I thought I was a busy lady.

1622
01:11:29,280 --> 01:11:33,400
You are a busy lady, but you put in that message out there and you are helping people

1623
01:11:33,400 --> 01:11:39,640
and that alone to use your talents for that is such a beautiful, beautiful blessing to

1624
01:11:39,640 --> 01:11:40,640
be able to do.

1625
01:11:40,640 --> 01:11:44,320
It is my honor to be able to be a servant for God's people.

1626
01:11:44,320 --> 01:11:45,320
Amen.

1627
01:11:45,320 --> 01:11:50,960
I wish you so much good in this life because it's, it's, there's too much bad.

1628
01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:54,120
We have to take it where we can get it and, and, and give it and put it out there.

1629
01:11:54,120 --> 01:11:55,120
You know what I mean?

1630
01:11:55,120 --> 01:11:58,800
So I have one last question for you.

1631
01:11:58,800 --> 01:12:03,320
If you could leave our listeners with one powerful message or nugget about healing and

1632
01:12:03,320 --> 01:12:06,360
growth, what would it be?

1633
01:12:06,360 --> 01:12:11,480
It would be know that you are worthy of love.

1634
01:12:11,480 --> 01:12:15,760
Know that you matter and your story matters.

1635
01:12:15,760 --> 01:12:16,760
That's it.

1636
01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:17,760
Gotta get there.

1637
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:18,760
Gotta know.

1638
01:12:18,760 --> 01:12:22,360
Gotta know you have to know that you are worthy of love because you are in the biggest person

1639
01:12:22,360 --> 01:12:24,120
who needs to love you is you.

1640
01:12:24,120 --> 01:12:25,120
Is you.

1641
01:12:25,120 --> 01:12:26,120
Okay.

1642
01:12:26,120 --> 01:12:27,120
It starts with you.

1643
01:12:27,120 --> 01:12:28,120
Absolutely.

1644
01:12:28,120 --> 01:12:29,520
And it ends with you.

1645
01:12:29,520 --> 01:12:30,520
Yeah.

1646
01:12:30,520 --> 01:12:31,520
Okay.

1647
01:12:31,520 --> 01:12:32,520
It's your greatest love story.

1648
01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:33,520
Oh my gosh.

1649
01:12:33,520 --> 01:12:36,160
When I looked at myself and I said, I am so in love.

1650
01:12:36,160 --> 01:12:39,400
I want everyone to feel that.

1651
01:12:39,400 --> 01:12:45,440
I want everyone to feel that it is, it is beautiful.

1652
01:12:45,440 --> 01:12:47,720
It doesn't mean that I feel like I'm perfect.

1653
01:12:47,720 --> 01:12:48,920
Hell no.

1654
01:12:48,920 --> 01:12:53,040
It means that I love me unconditionally.

1655
01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:55,640
And you'll never forget who you are again.

1656
01:12:55,640 --> 01:12:57,640
No.

1657
01:12:57,640 --> 01:12:58,880
That's the important piece.

1658
01:12:58,880 --> 01:13:04,120
You know who you are, you can start to feel yourself slipping away when it happens and

1659
01:13:04,120 --> 01:13:07,560
you can say absolutely not and bring that back.

1660
01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:08,560
Bring it back.

1661
01:13:08,560 --> 01:13:09,720
Get it together.

1662
01:13:09,720 --> 01:13:12,280
Get it together, ma'am.

1663
01:13:12,280 --> 01:13:14,480
Tamela, what a conversation.

1664
01:13:14,480 --> 01:13:18,880
Your wisdom, your vulnerability and your passion for helping others heal is just so inspiring.

1665
01:13:18,880 --> 01:13:19,880
It really is.

1666
01:13:19,880 --> 01:13:20,880
Thank you so much.

1667
01:13:20,880 --> 01:13:21,880
Thank you.

1668
01:13:21,880 --> 01:13:22,880
My love.

1669
01:13:22,880 --> 01:13:25,680
It is just a mirror because you do the same thing.

1670
01:13:25,680 --> 01:13:27,840
Thank you from your mouth to God's ears.

1671
01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:32,840
I'm trying and listening to you and feeling your openness.

1672
01:13:32,840 --> 01:13:36,520
Like I said, it made me like, oh my God.

1673
01:13:36,520 --> 01:13:37,520
I'm like, whoa.

1674
01:13:37,520 --> 01:13:38,520
I heard it back.

1675
01:13:38,520 --> 01:13:41,000
I was like, oh my God.

1676
01:13:41,000 --> 01:13:43,360
So it was, it's the energy.

1677
01:13:43,360 --> 01:13:44,360
It's your energy.

1678
01:13:44,360 --> 01:13:47,720
I work off of energy and you can feel it even through the screen.

1679
01:13:47,720 --> 01:13:50,120
So such a blessing.

1680
01:13:50,120 --> 01:13:56,840
And to our audience, if today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible.

1681
01:13:56,840 --> 01:13:57,840
It is within reach.

1682
01:13:57,840 --> 01:14:02,360
And no matter how far you've gone down a path of codependency, you are not stuck.

1683
01:14:02,360 --> 01:14:06,240
You are worthy of love, boundaries and a life that feels good to you.

1684
01:14:06,240 --> 01:14:10,240
Again, Tamela, thank you for sharing your journey and for reminding us all that recovery

1685
01:14:10,240 --> 01:14:14,400
is a daily commitment, but one that leads to freedom, joy and self love.

1686
01:14:14,400 --> 01:14:16,920
Thank you so much for having me on.

1687
01:14:16,920 --> 01:14:17,920
Thank you.

1688
01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:21,160
And so all of our Perseco Queens family listening, if you connected with this episode, be sure

1689
01:14:21,160 --> 01:14:25,520
to check out the codependent me podcast where Tamela dives even deeper into these life-changing

1690
01:14:25,520 --> 01:14:26,840
conversations.

1691
01:14:26,840 --> 01:14:30,560
I will have all of her information on the show notes about how you can reach her and

1692
01:14:30,560 --> 01:14:34,800
of course, check out her pods and all the other wonderful things that she's about and

1693
01:14:34,800 --> 01:14:35,800
doing.

1694
01:14:35,800 --> 01:14:37,800
DM me, share this episode.

1695
01:14:37,800 --> 01:14:41,360
And if you haven't already subscribed and leave a review, join me next week where we

1696
01:14:41,360 --> 01:14:45,880
have a special panel episode with three Queens, former guests to the show in different stages

1697
01:14:45,880 --> 01:14:51,000
of their journeys, where we will be discussing all things we consider attribute to the perfect

1698
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:54,040
pressure as women and especially women of a certain age.

1699
01:14:54,040 --> 01:14:55,280
I want to hear from you.

1700
01:14:55,280 --> 01:14:58,520
I can be reached on all social media at Perseco Queens podcast.

1701
01:14:58,520 --> 01:15:00,720
I can be reached via email at Teresa.

1702
01:15:00,720 --> 01:15:02,920
Look, I'm giving the wrong one.

1703
01:15:02,920 --> 01:15:05,760
Perseco Queens podcast at gmail.com.

1704
01:15:05,760 --> 01:15:09,040
And you can also listen to these episodes on YouTube and subscribe at Perseco Queens

1705
01:15:09,040 --> 01:15:10,120
podcast.

1706
01:15:10,120 --> 01:15:15,760
So until next time, keep healing, keep growing and most importantly, keep pouring into yourself.

1707
01:15:15,760 --> 01:15:25,760
Peace out.