1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:23,280
So pop the bubbly because today's episode of Prosecco Queens podcast is all about

2
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:25,920
dating smarter, not harder.

3
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:30,280
If you've been tuning in, you know that this podcast is all about real talk, sparkling

4
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:35,060
conversation and empowering queens like you and the kings that love and support us to

5
00:00:35,060 --> 00:00:36,600
live your best life.

6
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:42,440
Whether it's in love, career, or just making sure your glass and your standards stay full.

7
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:47,080
Over the past decades, I've explored everything from personal growth to relationships.

8
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,640
From these episodes, I've drawn from my own experiences, navigating life, love and everything

9
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,280
in between.

10
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:58,240
I started Prosecco Queens because I believe in open, honest conversations, the kind you'd

11
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,960
have over a glass of bubbly with your best friends.

12
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,520
And today we've got the perfect guest to join the conversation.

13
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:11,040
Answer, Lauren Fandreist, dating coach, self-worth advocate and expert in helping women attract

14
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,880
the kind of love that actually aligns with their values.

15
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:19,800
Lauren is an international coaching, Federation certified coach with the background in human

16
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,480
organizational development from Vanderbilt University.

17
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:27,440
And she's spent years helping women break out of toxic dating patterns, communicate with

18
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,320
confidence and build relationships that last.

19
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:36,240
Oh, and did I mention she brings mindfulness, manifestation and real life experience into

20
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,240
her coaching?

21
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,160
All the things that we know I love.

22
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:43,400
Basically she's the dating fairy godmother we all wish we had sooner.

23
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:48,480
Lauren's philosophy is all about shifting your energy, strengthening your decision making

24
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:54,160
powers and knowing when to go all in or when to say, thank you, next.

25
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:58,800
And honestly, that's exactly the kind of vibe we are all about here, Prosecco Queens.

26
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:03,240
So if you're ready to ditch the dating dead ends and start attracting high quality connections,

27
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:08,400
grab your glass and settle in because this episode is about to change the way you look

28
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:09,400
at love.

29
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:13,720
And again, it is my pleasure to have you on the pod, Lauren, welcome.

30
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:19,080
Thank you so much, Teresa, and I'm feeling bubbly just listening to that introduction.

31
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,080
Thank you.

32
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,080
You're welcome and thank you.

33
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,080
I love that.

34
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:26,120
So I am very excited about our convoy today because I'm sure I will learn some things.

35
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,360
And I know our audience will.

36
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,360
I think I smell a possible two-parter.

37
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,440
We have lots to discuss.

38
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,520
Lots to talk about, lots to get through.

39
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,800
So I want to start with the most basic and that is your background.

40
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,840
You know, I know I gave a little background in the intro, but what drew you to this line

41
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,600
of work and what is the work that you do?

42
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,800
Yes, so I'm a women's dating coach.

43
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:52,200
I help single women who are ready to find their dream partner and build a healthy, committed

44
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,120
relationship, but dating just isn't working for them.

45
00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:02,480
So I help them bring joy, confidence and intention back into the dating process.

46
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:08,280
And the reason why I am so fueled to help women date with more intention is because

47
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:13,760
of how much I struggled in my own dating life when I was single and dating before I met

48
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,640
my husband.

49
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:22,000
When I was 27, I got out of a serious relationship and entered into the unknown.

50
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,000
The void.

51
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,000
Yes.

52
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,000
The void.

53
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,000
Yes.

54
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,000
The void.

55
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,000
Yes.

56
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:32,880
Being single, dating and not knowing when I was going to find my partner.

57
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:38,080
And this phase lasted a little bit longer than I had hoped it would.

58
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:45,760
And through that process, I was constantly finding myself in situationships and dealing

59
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,040
with bad behavior from the people that I was meeting.

60
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,920
And it really took a toll on my mental health.

61
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:58,640
And I just wasn't receiving the type of love that I knew that I truly, truly desired.

62
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,200
And deserved.

63
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,200
And deserved.

64
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,200
Absolutely.

65
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,200
And that was my first time.

66
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:08,060
And, I was like, I didn't know that I was going to find the right partner for my partner.

67
00:04:08,060 --> 00:04:09,060
Yes.

68
00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:10,060
Quality love.

69
00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:14,780
And I had to ultimately take a step back and say, okay, we can blame it all on the men,

70
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:20,240
but we don't do that here because I'm the common denominator where we can only control

71
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,460
ourselves and I know that there are good quality men out there.

72
00:04:24,460 --> 00:04:29,860
How do I shift how I'm approaching dating in order to find them?

73
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:30,860
That's unbelievable.

74
00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:33,800
your focus is dating with intention. Can you put a little

75
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,420
color on that for our audience? And for me, actually?

76
00:04:36,980 --> 00:04:43,760
Yes, exactly. So often we go into dating, thinking we want

77
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:49,800
chemistry, we want vibes, right? We just want someone. There's

78
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,960
nothing wrong with that. All of those things are important. When

79
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,640
I say dating with intention, I mean, what are you looking for

80
00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:01,860
in a relationship? Do you want to be in a committed, lasting

81
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:06,180
partnership, maybe a marriage if that suits you? Not everybody

82
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:09,860
wants that. But if that's what you want, date with that goal in

83
00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:14,380
mind, which looks very different than dating, casually,

84
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:19,060
just to have fun. It means getting clear with yourself on

85
00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:21,760
what you want out of a relationship. How do you want

86
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,780
to feel with your future partner and having the confidence to

87
00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:30,500
express that and be able to identify early on dates one,

88
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:34,900
two or three? Whether the person that you're seeing aligns

89
00:05:35,140 --> 00:05:38,660
with not only what you want in a relationship, but also do they

90
00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:42,660
match your value system? Do they want to build the same

91
00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:45,700
lifestyle that you do? So thinking about it from that

92
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,340
compatibility angle.

93
00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:50,180
Now let me ask you something because this is something that

94
00:05:50,180 --> 00:05:53,860
I struggle with as well. I do. I love chemistry. That's a

95
00:05:53,860 --> 00:05:57,300
drive of energy. I love chemistry. I kind of thrive off of

96
00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:59,620
that. Right. And unfortunately, that hasn't done me great

97
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,260
really in the past. I mean, for a little bit, sure. But you

98
00:06:02,260 --> 00:06:06,340
know, after a while, sometimes that can also go astray. Right.

99
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:09,260
And now you're left with sometimes feeling vapid, right?

100
00:06:09,260 --> 00:06:12,020
You're feeling kind of just like, okay, that was great for what

101
00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:14,700
it was. And now I'm kind of seeing this person for who they

102
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:17,380
really are. But do you feel dating with intention and based

103
00:06:17,380 --> 00:06:19,820
on your personal experience as well, once you start shifting

104
00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:21,860
your energy, once you start feeling people's energies,

105
00:06:21,860 --> 00:06:26,980
because I've mentioned many times on this pod that I love to

106
00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:31,100
meet people in person because I like to feel energy. You know,

107
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,220
I told you about my situation and we can talk about that a

108
00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:36,260
little bit where I was like shaking from the energy, right?

109
00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:40,380
And so for me, I wonder if you're dating casually and

110
00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:44,820
obviously you can meet your person that way. But if you're

111
00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:47,820
just thinking about chemistry and you're just saying, you know,

112
00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:50,140
I have to be super attracted to this person right away and I

113
00:06:50,140 --> 00:06:54,220
have to be super, this makes me super motivated. If you're not

114
00:06:54,220 --> 00:06:58,860
super attracted to somebody right away, right? For any reason.

115
00:06:58,860 --> 00:07:04,020
And a lot of us have a bad habit of only looking at that. We

116
00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:06,300
don't necessarily pay attention to energy or any of those other

117
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,940
things. We have to feel like we're super attracted. How do you

118
00:07:08,940 --> 00:07:13,060
get past maybe that fact that you might not be super attracted

119
00:07:13,060 --> 00:07:16,180
to somebody right away and actually get to the point that

120
00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:18,860
you can find out if you have similar values and beliefs and

121
00:07:18,860 --> 00:07:22,300
all that other stuff. So many good questions. A lot in there

122
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:26,700
because it's like, it's like so much, so much to this. So first

123
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:30,180
I'd say let's define the difference between chemistry,

124
00:07:30,420 --> 00:07:35,460
energy and compatibility. Chemistry, I would say is that

125
00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:40,660
initial heat and attraction. It's the flood of all the

126
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:43,580
neurotransmitters that are giving you those feel that

127
00:07:43,580 --> 00:07:47,660
dopamine man that had hit. Oh, I love it. Yeah, exactly. And

128
00:07:47,660 --> 00:07:50,700
I'm not discounting the importance of that. That can be

129
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:54,540
very important in dating. That's what I led with in dating. But

130
00:07:54,540 --> 00:08:00,500
what I realized was when that was my primary factor in dating,

131
00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:06,900
I was missing out on the compatibility element. And these

132
00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:10,060
would be hot and heavy situationships that would fizzle

133
00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:13,020
out within a month because we didn't have anything else to

134
00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:16,980
back it up. So it depends what are you dating for, right? And

135
00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:21,820
you might not know that going in. But if you want to build a

136
00:08:21,860 --> 00:08:25,300
lasting relationship, you also have to look for that

137
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:30,860
compatibility, meaning do they align on your values? Do they

138
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:35,100
have similar worldviews as you? Do they want to live a similar

139
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:39,940
lifestyle? Do they compliment you? Do they lift your energy

140
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:42,580
instead of drain your energy? Those are some of the things

141
00:08:42,580 --> 00:08:45,860
that are important in terms of compatibility, because

142
00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:50,300
chemistry could ebb and flow throughout any relationship.

143
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:54,620
Compatibility is really what's at the foundation of creating

144
00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:58,580
lasting love and lasting partnership. I agree. And so

145
00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:02,060
let's say you meet someone and from a physical attraction

146
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:05,180
standpoint, you're quite sure upfront, but you can tell that

147
00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:10,940
the compatibility is there. Okay, so maybe just give it a few

148
00:09:10,940 --> 00:09:14,820
more dates, right? And see if that builds over time. If it

149
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:17,500
doesn't build, okay, then maybe it's not the person for you,

150
00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:21,940
but give a chance for that compatibility to outweigh the

151
00:09:21,940 --> 00:09:26,580
chemistry rather than leaving the chemistry. Yeah, I'll pause

152
00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:28,060
there and then let's talk about energy.

153
00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:31,300
I mean, you obviously have had, we had like a pre

154
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:36,100
conversation and I happen to mention that I am big on energy

155
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,980
and I love that you were like, Oh my God, me too. Right?

156
00:09:38,980 --> 00:09:42,700
Because for me, energy is everything, you know, and I've

157
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:46,260
had moments where the energy when we first met was so

158
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:49,580
electric, I thought I was crazy, you know, until 10 minutes

159
00:09:49,580 --> 00:09:52,500
later, he texted me and was like, Holy crap, did you feel

160
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:55,580
that? And I was like, Oh my God, I've never felt like that

161
00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:58,660
before, you know, from someone that I've never met before,

162
00:09:58,740 --> 00:10:00,940
that I had never talked to before, you know, it wasn't

163
00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:02,580
like I had been talking to them and that we met for the

164
00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:07,180
first time, it was more like just this crazy, you know, pull.

165
00:10:07,660 --> 00:10:09,900
And then it turned into a situation ship and it kind of

166
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,700
once I realized that's what it was about, I kind of decided

167
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,620
out whatever, I'm not really looking for a boyfriend right

168
00:10:14,620 --> 00:10:20,340
now, let it be. But that energy was something that shook me

169
00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:24,340
actually, because I would have thought that I would only have

170
00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:29,940
that energy with somebody that was like meant for me, right?

171
00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:33,740
Somebody that was supposed to be for me, right? Now we don't

172
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:36,420
know what the universe has is for us, right? You know, and I

173
00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:38,540
still talk to him every once in a while. But in general, it's

174
00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:42,100
not even like, you know, we had amazing chemistry, amazing

175
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:49,060
compatibility in other ways, right? And an extreme emotional

176
00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:51,980
connection. But other than that, and then that's just it ended

177
00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:55,660
up what it was. But that energy to this day, we still we would

178
00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:57,940
talk still talk about that because it was wild.

179
00:10:57,980 --> 00:11:01,860
Yes, I love that you share this story because it illustrates

180
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:06,260
what it feels like to feel someone's energy. So my motto

181
00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:10,900
is be the energy that you want to attract. Amen. And oh my

182
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:13,700
gosh, and you know, you talk about this all the time, right?

183
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:18,460
I love it. Energy meaning when you walk in a room, what does it

184
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:22,740
feel to be around you? Yeah, right? Are you giving people

185
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:29,020
space to show up as themselves? Are you bringing positivity or

186
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:32,820
authenticity into the room? Or on the converse, are you

187
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:36,380
bringing your tension and your frustration and your

188
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:40,380
road rage into the room? It's almost like they say that that

189
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:43,140
thing that you know, you can have this gorgeous, attractive,

190
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:45,660
perfectly fit teeny tiny woman walking a room and nobody pays

191
00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:48,020
attention to her. And then you have you could have a regular

192
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:50,900
woman like you know, ourselves as anybody walk in the street,

193
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:53,620
and they walk in, everybody goes right to them and just is

194
00:11:53,620 --> 00:11:56,700
attracted to them. And the other woman's like, well, what's

195
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:59,660
going on here? Why? And it's just because of that energy, you

196
00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:03,580
can feel when somebody drains the energy, or somebody is when

197
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:06,180
you're just attracted to energy. Yeah,

198
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:10,780
exactly. That's why it's such a huge component in dating. And

199
00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:14,020
what you described when you when someone walks in the room and

200
00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:18,340
like heads turned, they're like, who is that? I want to know her,

201
00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:23,140
I want to go talk to her. That's what magnetic energy is. When

202
00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:27,980
people are just drawn to you, based on the essence that you

203
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:32,900
carry with you. And the best way to cultivate that magnetic

204
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:37,540
energy is by living in alignment with yourself, meaning you are

205
00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:44,180
living true to your values, you deeply love and trust yourself.

206
00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:49,280
And you have that self confidence that whatever life

207
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,720
throws your way, you can figure it out. And you take care of

208
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:57,020
yourself, you feel supported. Those are some of the things to

209
00:12:57,020 --> 00:13:01,700
think about as you cultivate that magnetic energy. Love it. And

210
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:05,180
oh my gosh, yes. And why I talk about this so much with dating

211
00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:11,740
is because like tracks like meaning energy attracts someone

212
00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:15,980
with similar energy. Oh, okay, think about this on a negative

213
00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:20,220
plane. We all have heard the phrase misery loves company. It

214
00:13:20,220 --> 00:13:23,980
was the one I was going to say to. Exactly. Yes. So we know what

215
00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:27,620
that looks like, right? When someone's deeply unhappy, they

216
00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:31,700
attract more of that more bad situations happening in their

217
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:35,300
life, more people that also have bad situations happening in

218
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:39,980
their life, right? So what we're aiming for is when you're

219
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:44,540
living truly in alignment with yourself, you are shining and

220
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:47,940
glowing, because you just feel good inside and out because

221
00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:52,260
you're living true to yourself. That then attracts someone who

222
00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:55,980
similarly is living true to themselves. And the way that I

223
00:13:55,980 --> 00:14:00,500
work on this with my dating coaching clients is I have them

224
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:03,940
think about how they want to feel in a relationship, then

225
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:09,180
develop those feelings in their life right now. So for example,

226
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,580
let's say you want to feel secure in a relationship, build

227
00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:17,300
that security in yourself, that could be as simple as keeping

228
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:20,540
your promises and commitments to yourself. So if you say you're

229
00:14:20,540 --> 00:14:24,140
going to go work out after work, go do it. Honor that commitment

230
00:14:24,140 --> 00:14:26,940
to yourself over and over and over again, you're building

231
00:14:26,940 --> 00:14:31,620
security within yourself so you can attract someone who also has

232
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,060
that level of security.

233
00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,740
And you're right, I say that a lot and I talk about it a lot in

234
00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:40,460
the show how, you know, date yourself, get to know yourself.

235
00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:44,460
You know, it's not just always about just self care and face

236
00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:48,060
mask. Well, it's nice because it's taking care of yourself, but

237
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:52,660
actually find out what you like. Find out how you are. Feel,

238
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:57,700
trust yourself, feel worthy of yourself. First, you know, if

239
00:14:57,700 --> 00:15:00,860
you like to go to a movie, then just go to the movie. You know

240
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:03,780
what I mean? Like you want to go and buy yourself a nice dinner,

241
00:15:03,780 --> 00:15:06,460
go to a restaurant, you know what I'm saying? Take yourself on

242
00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:09,740
a vacation, you know, those kind of things. It's just kind of

243
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:15,620
taking care of yourself so that you can attract somebody who not

244
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:17,740
only may want to take care of you as well, make sure that they

245
00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:21,300
put, they put that effort into themselves as well. And then they

246
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:24,220
can also put it into you. And they will understand how important

247
00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:25,660
it is that you do that for yourself.

248
00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:31,380
Yes. 100%. Yes. What you're saying is so foundational in

249
00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:36,140
attracting a fabulous relationship. When you can love

250
00:15:36,140 --> 00:15:41,100
yourself and take care of yourself first, then anyone who

251
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:45,300
comes into your life can see how important that is to you. And

252
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:49,740
it invites them to step up to the plate to say, this is how I

253
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:54,780
treat myself. So I expect anybody in my life to treat me as

254
00:15:54,780 --> 00:15:56,340
well as I treat myself.

255
00:15:56,780 --> 00:15:58,380
Love it. And that's how you build up the boundaries. It's

256
00:15:58,380 --> 00:16:02,100
really incredible. So setting boundaries is really important,

257
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:05,220
right? Like it's one of those things that you have to do. And

258
00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:08,340
the only way to do that is to learn yourself. Because you

259
00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:11,540
don't know what you don't know until you take care of yourself.

260
00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:14,940
And then when someone else comes in, you can say, whoa, I'm

261
00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:17,380
sorry, but I'm not going to accept that. And then at that

262
00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:20,780
point, then they can make the decision and you can make the

263
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:23,180
decision. Oh, she set the boundary. I'm not going to

264
00:16:23,180 --> 00:16:26,380
cross that boundary again. And if, and if they do, then that's

265
00:16:26,380 --> 00:16:30,980
on you to say, I told you, I made this very clear, and you

266
00:16:30,980 --> 00:16:35,340
make those right decisions for you based on having that clear

267
00:16:35,340 --> 00:16:37,860
communication of what you will and will not accept. Am I kind

268
00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:39,300
of on the right path there?

269
00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:42,700
Yes. That is such a good definition of what it means to

270
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:47,020
set a boundary is deciding yourself based on what you

271
00:16:47,020 --> 00:16:50,780
will and will not accept based on how your date is showing up.

272
00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:55,500
And think about boundaries in terms of how you engage with

273
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,620
them. So you can set boundaries on a few different

274
00:16:57,620 --> 00:17:01,420
levels. It could be a communication boundary. If

275
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:04,940
they're not showing up with mutual energy and effort, maybe

276
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:10,380
you stop communicating with them. Or if they're not showing

277
00:17:10,380 --> 00:17:14,260
up in terms of building a relationship the way that you

278
00:17:14,260 --> 00:17:18,340
want a relationship to feel, then maybe you no longer provide

279
00:17:18,340 --> 00:17:23,340
access to yourself, right? Whether that be no more dates,

280
00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:27,100
right, cutting off communication, boundaries can occur on so

281
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:32,660
many levels, it can be access to your body, it can be access to

282
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:37,460
your emotional state. Yeah, even access to finances, right,

283
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:41,100
like spending money to go out on a date. So you can set

284
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,060
boundaries on a lot of different levels. But what enables

285
00:17:44,060 --> 00:17:47,980
you to do that is what you described, it's knowing yourself

286
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:51,260
and knowing your own standards of how you want to be treated.

287
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:55,940
And the body one is big. I've noticed a lot these days. And

288
00:17:55,940 --> 00:18:00,780
maybe this is with the real influx of online dating since

289
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:04,140
through COVID, right? That people this, I can't believe the

290
00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:07,420
amount of people, especially even around our age and old

291
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,180
or this point that like, I'm just looking to have fun. I get

292
00:18:10,180 --> 00:18:13,300
those things, right? What I don't understand is how a lot of

293
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,860
these people be on access just to a body a lot of the time. I

294
00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:20,260
almost feel like there's no conscious in it anymore. They

295
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:24,060
will waste your time. Literally, I've had men leave me some of

296
00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:27,260
the craziest messages. I'm like, you don't even know my name. I

297
00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:29,980
had one guy tell me, what do I need to know your last name for?

298
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:31,700
Why do you need to know my last name? I'm like, you want to

299
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:34,540
sleep with me. You don't even want me to tell you don't even

300
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:37,580
want to tell me your last name. I'm supposed to allow you to

301
00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:41,380
cross. You know what I'm saying? So what is it about this

302
00:18:41,380 --> 00:18:44,580
crop? You know, and I speak for women too, because there are

303
00:18:44,580 --> 00:18:47,060
women out there doing it too. It's not just men. But what is it

304
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:50,220
with this crop? That's the nicest way I could put it that are

305
00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:53,740
just one, they're so damn forward. Two, they have no

306
00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:57,620
filter. And three, they have no interest. And I'm talking even

307
00:18:57,620 --> 00:19:00,140
young, the younger ones too, they just have no interest

308
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,980
anymore in doing anything traditional. You know, what

309
00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:05,060
traditional could be what they consider traditional if it's a

310
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,780
couple that agrees, there's no whatever. I just mean

311
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,260
traditional in the sense of actually wanting to get to know

312
00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:14,900
somebody before, you know, just saying, I want to hop in bed

313
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:17,380
with you or all the stuff I want to do to you. I'm like, could

314
00:19:17,380 --> 00:19:19,860
you imagine something a stranger that and it's all the

315
00:19:19,860 --> 00:19:24,580
time. Right, right. And I feel like online dating has made that

316
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:28,780
even more pervasive. And it's gross, like it can be really

317
00:19:28,780 --> 00:19:32,700
gross. So that's what it is. Is it just a generational thing?

318
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:36,540
Was it just because online dating is just such an easy way to

319
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:39,380
say screw it? If they say no, I got 72 other options.

320
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:45,100
Right, right. I wish I could say that I understood why people

321
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:50,220
do that. And I look at it as, okay, many people are coming into

322
00:19:50,260 --> 00:19:54,700
the dating world, we'll call it as a as a big pool for a million

323
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:58,220
different reasons. Right, right. I met my husband on Tinder,

324
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:02,460
which surprised a lot of people because a lot of people think

325
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:05,940
of Tinder with a different lens. And I say, you know what, there

326
00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:09,340
were as many different reasons to be on Tinder as there are

327
00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:14,100
people on Tinder. And I use that as one of many dating apps

328
00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:17,260
that I was on when I was single. Two of my closest friends met

329
00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:21,060
their husbands on match. I definitely know for a fact it does

330
00:20:21,060 --> 00:20:25,340
work for some. Yes. Yeah. And to me, it was just to be able to

331
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:29,660
find more people to be able to go on dates with. So let's look

332
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:34,140
at this from our listeners viewpoint, right? So really,

333
00:20:34,140 --> 00:20:36,660
again, at the end of the day, you're only in control of

334
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:41,020
yourself, your own reactions, your own behaviors. And if that's

335
00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:44,660
a behavior that shows up from someone else, and that does not

336
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:48,460
jive with you, do not engage. You don't have to engage with

337
00:20:48,460 --> 00:20:52,580
that unless you feel called to. That's your decision.

338
00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:57,300
Isn't it isn't a wild though that people have more balls than

339
00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:00,300
they ever would have? Nobody would ever. I mean, it's so rare

340
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,020
that someone would go up to you in the soup. And I say rare,

341
00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:04,660
because I'm sure it must have happened, obviously, that someone

342
00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:07,220
would go up to in the supermarket and be like, Oh, do you know

343
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:11,180
what I would like to do to you? Oh, my God, do it. You wouldn't

344
00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:14,260
have the balls to do it. For some reason, it feels like

345
00:21:14,260 --> 00:21:18,420
online dating gave people more guts than they would ever than

346
00:21:18,420 --> 00:21:22,020
they would ever normally have. It's wild. It really is. Yeah.

347
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:26,220
And I feel like because so many women have experienced those

348
00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:31,340
kind of unwelcomed messages, people are really burning out on

349
00:21:31,340 --> 00:21:34,780
dating apps these days, not getting the results that they're

350
00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:38,900
looking for. If that's a relationship, they're spending a

351
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:43,340
lot of time swiping often mindlessly because dating apps

352
00:21:43,340 --> 00:21:46,780
are gamified. It's like a slot machine where you keep swiping

353
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:52,060
and maybe they send a message or get a match and either there's

354
00:21:52,060 --> 00:21:57,180
no response or very minimal effort from the guys put into our

355
00:21:57,180 --> 00:22:01,060
response, very unlikely to actually pan out into a real

356
00:22:01,060 --> 00:22:06,980
live date. So it feels like return on investment of energy

357
00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:10,180
and time that people are putting into dating apps just

358
00:22:10,220 --> 00:22:14,220
isn't panning out. And so people I'm seeing women pull away

359
00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:17,620
from dating apps and really looking for other ways to meet

360
00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:21,780
people to go on dates. So I've been advocating for finding

361
00:22:21,780 --> 00:22:26,540
singles events in your city. They there's a huge resurgence of

362
00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:30,460
singles events that I feel like you see my Facebook weirdly

363
00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:34,700
enough that you're saying that. Yes, there's a huge resurgence.

364
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:38,820
And I am hopeful that they feel very different than they did 10

365
00:22:38,820 --> 00:22:44,100
or 15 years ago. Yes, to go to speed dating. That's a crazy

366
00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:51,140
story. Wow. I was 15 years ago. I'm seeing more of these

367
00:22:51,140 --> 00:22:55,580
conscious connection based communities hopping up that are

368
00:22:55,580 --> 00:23:00,540
giving people a space that's not an allowed bar to actually

369
00:23:00,540 --> 00:23:05,740
have conversation and build connections in a more safe

370
00:23:05,740 --> 00:23:08,820
space where maybe you know that someone there is going to be

371
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:09,260
single.

372
00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:12,340
That's very cool. Like, you know, I think and I mentioned to

373
00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:14,860
you and I've mentioned to my listeners probably about a year

374
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:17,700
ago, one of my episodes with my friend Jose, and we talked

375
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:21,460
about how I went on Facebook dating, which I didn't know

376
00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:24,060
existed until I accidentally clicked on the little icon and

377
00:23:24,060 --> 00:23:26,740
it had a profile for me. I was like, is this single or is this

378
00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:29,460
always there for everybody? I wasn't sure. And I said, oh, I've

379
00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:31,940
never done any kind of I wasn't really even looking for

380
00:23:31,940 --> 00:23:33,940
anything. I was curious, right? It was kind of like a social

381
00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:37,060
experiment. And within 24 hours, I was like, I'm done. I

382
00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:40,100
cannot do this. Like I cannot do it. And I was looking at it

383
00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:43,220
with my sister and it becomes very addicting. You're right, it's

384
00:23:43,220 --> 00:23:46,340
gamified. And I'm looking at all these guys and they all kind

385
00:23:46,340 --> 00:23:50,580
of look the same. And I said to my sister, this kind of guys

386
00:23:50,580 --> 00:23:53,380
are kind of my type. What's going on here? And she says, well,

387
00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:57,060
are you liking them? And she goes, well, it's the algorithm.

388
00:23:58,020 --> 00:24:01,300
Well, this guy looks like this. And he's similar to this guy.

389
00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:05,300
And I'm going, oh my god, I didn't even think about the fact

390
00:24:06,420 --> 00:24:10,260
that they're not changing the algorithm to all these, you know,

391
00:24:10,260 --> 00:24:13,060
so I'm sitting there thinking on their side, I must just be one

392
00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:16,580
of a thousand faces that are popping up on their screen that

393
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:20,980
look exactly the same as well. It blew my mind. And after 24

394
00:24:20,980 --> 00:24:23,700
hours, I was like, I, it was too much. I tried it again, like

395
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:26,500
a month and a half later, again, out of curiosity to ease my

396
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:30,340
way in. I haven't looked at it since I closed it off after

397
00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:33,620
25 hours. Again, I was like, this is too much. It's almost

398
00:24:33,620 --> 00:24:35,780
like it becomes an addiction because you're just like, this

399
00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:39,380
is fun, you know, and then you start to get these messages

400
00:24:39,380 --> 00:24:42,260
and you're like, now I can't even, now I don't even know what

401
00:24:42,260 --> 00:24:45,060
to do. You know what I mean at that point. So it's really

402
00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:47,780
crazy. And I like the idea of singles events. Since our

403
00:24:47,780 --> 00:24:51,380
listeners, I mean, look in your areas because I did see on

404
00:24:51,380 --> 00:24:53,860
Facebook stuff pop up. I'm not necessarily looking for

405
00:24:53,860 --> 00:24:56,820
anybody at the moment. So I'm not going to say I'm going to be

406
00:24:56,820 --> 00:24:59,300
at any of them in time soon. However, I have no problem, you

407
00:24:59,300 --> 00:25:01,940
know, accompanying somebody there for, you know, emotional

408
00:25:01,940 --> 00:25:04,820
support. Right? Oh, why not? I don't mind meeting new people.

409
00:25:04,820 --> 00:25:08,580
No. So I need something. We talked about how I was in a

410
00:25:08,580 --> 00:25:14,580
situation ship, right? Really decent guy, beautiful at first.

411
00:25:14,580 --> 00:25:17,700
And then after a while, I'm like, oh yeah, now I know you a

412
00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:21,860
little more. You're just like everybody else, you know, and

413
00:25:21,860 --> 00:25:24,100
cool dude, really nice, good heart, but you know, got his

414
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:27,300
own stuff going on. And and because of that, we didn't

415
00:25:27,300 --> 00:25:32,100
necessarily graduate into any kind of relationship, which in

416
00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:38,100
a way is good and for us, right? So for people that are not

417
00:25:38,100 --> 00:25:42,100
looking for a situation ship, and we know they're very rampant

418
00:25:42,100 --> 00:25:45,060
these days, right? What would your definition of a

419
00:25:45,060 --> 00:25:47,540
situation ship be? And how do you think it differs from a

420
00:25:47,540 --> 00:25:51,220
traditional relationship? And what are some signs to

421
00:25:51,220 --> 00:25:55,620
realize that you're actually in one? Yes, it was such good

422
00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:59,060
questions because it's a term that's thrown around. So let's

423
00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:02,660
talk about what this actually means. When you meet someone,

424
00:26:02,660 --> 00:26:06,420
you start hanging out, you start doing the things that you

425
00:26:06,420 --> 00:26:12,020
would do in a dating process, right? Likely, and you either

426
00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:16,420
don't have a conversation to align on where would you like

427
00:26:16,420 --> 00:26:21,140
to go? Meaning, do you want to someday be in a committed

428
00:26:21,140 --> 00:26:25,780
relationship? There are a number of reasons why people might go

429
00:26:25,780 --> 00:26:30,260
out and want to date and want to connect. So we never want to

430
00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:34,340
assume that they want the same things as we do. That was my

431
00:26:34,340 --> 00:26:37,700
mistake in dating. I knew that I wanted to be in a committed

432
00:26:37,700 --> 00:26:42,500
relationship and I just assumed, oh, we're we're going on

433
00:26:42,500 --> 00:26:47,220
dates, we're spending lots of time together. The chemistry is

434
00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:50,980
there. It feels like we're really connecting. Oh my gosh, this

435
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:54,980
must be going some place. Of course, and it's not abnormal.

436
00:26:54,980 --> 00:26:57,940
That's completely with a normal, warm, blooded person would

437
00:26:57,940 --> 00:27:03,780
think, right? Yeah, right. But I was operating under assumption.

438
00:27:03,780 --> 00:27:08,100
That they wanted the same thing that I did and I never stopped

439
00:27:08,100 --> 00:27:11,860
to actually ask. This is why people say communication is the

440
00:27:11,860 --> 00:27:15,140
most important thing in relationships. Agreed. You

441
00:27:15,140 --> 00:27:19,460
assuming does not get you usually what you want. No. Right?

442
00:27:19,460 --> 00:27:24,740
You really have to ask and in a in a nice way, in a safe way

443
00:27:24,740 --> 00:27:28,820
that encourages dialogue and to understand what are they hoping

444
00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:33,140
to get out of this dating process? Because otherwise, I was

445
00:27:33,140 --> 00:27:38,340
building a fantasy in my head that never panned out and then a

446
00:27:38,340 --> 00:27:42,260
month in when I was ready to start, you know, taking it to

447
00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:45,380
the next level and they said, oh, wait, I don't want anything

448
00:27:45,380 --> 00:27:51,060
serious. I'm like, oh, I knew that four weeks ago where I

449
00:27:51,060 --> 00:27:54,420
felt a whole fantasy in my head. Exactly. And you know, I love

450
00:27:54,420 --> 00:27:57,780
the good fantasy. I mean, in every Disney movie, in every

451
00:27:57,780 --> 00:28:00,900
couple that you meet somebody you fall in love, you have your

452
00:28:00,900 --> 00:28:04,020
night in shining armor, you know, and you don't have to be the

453
00:28:04,020 --> 00:28:07,060
damsel in distress, but you get your man, right? Eventually,

454
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:10,180
you get your man who really ends up being shallow and vapid. If

455
00:28:10,180 --> 00:28:12,180
you look many of those princes, that's just what they were

456
00:28:12,180 --> 00:28:14,980
anyway, right? And I think that's my opinion. A lot of what

457
00:28:14,980 --> 00:28:17,460
happens is situationships too, right? You do. You waste your

458
00:28:17,460 --> 00:28:20,980
time building this person up, building this relationship up,

459
00:28:20,980 --> 00:28:23,620
and then you wonder as well, well, is it because self-esteem

460
00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:26,980
issue, right? Why don't why would you be okay spending that

461
00:28:26,980 --> 00:28:29,140
time with him? We don't want anything with me. What is it

462
00:28:29,140 --> 00:28:32,260
about me that you don't want this with, right? It's never

463
00:28:32,260 --> 00:28:36,260
about you saying the other person just, it's really nothing

464
00:28:36,260 --> 00:28:39,700
on me. And I think that takes a lot of that self-awareness

465
00:28:39,700 --> 00:28:43,220
that you have to learn to date with intention to realize

466
00:28:43,220 --> 00:28:48,180
that it's really not about you. Exactly. Exactly. And so many

467
00:28:48,180 --> 00:28:54,180
women try to convince themselves and they say, if I prove that

468
00:28:54,180 --> 00:28:58,580
I'm worthy of being loved, then he'll love me. Or if I just

469
00:28:58,580 --> 00:29:02,820
show up and I'm good enough, meaning I've bent and shaped

470
00:29:02,820 --> 00:29:06,180
myself to exactly what I think he wants, then he'll date me,

471
00:29:06,180 --> 00:29:10,660
then he'll commit to me. No, that is a recipe for disaster. I

472
00:29:10,660 --> 00:29:14,420
learned that lesson way too many times. And it's heartbreaking

473
00:29:14,420 --> 00:29:19,300
when I look back at that woman and I say, who is that woman

474
00:29:19,300 --> 00:29:22,820
trying to be someone she's not for a man? And then sometimes

475
00:29:22,820 --> 00:29:25,060
you look at who the man was and you go, are you serious? Are

476
00:29:25,060 --> 00:29:28,980
you serious? Like, why? Why? Because we get into that mode

477
00:29:28,980 --> 00:29:32,340
where it's like, it has to be about me. So if somebody's in a

478
00:29:32,340 --> 00:29:35,860
situationship that wants to get out and they feel like

479
00:29:35,860 --> 00:29:39,380
just stuck, I mean, what is your advice for someone who's

480
00:29:39,380 --> 00:29:42,100
like, I actually love them. I'm actually this relationship and

481
00:29:42,100 --> 00:29:44,980
this situation ship and I actually love this person, but

482
00:29:44,980 --> 00:29:46,980
I know I'm never getting anything out of it and I realize

483
00:29:46,980 --> 00:29:49,460
now I can't do this anymore. What would your advice be to

484
00:29:49,460 --> 00:29:54,180
them, to that woman or to that man? Yes. Start by pouring

485
00:29:54,180 --> 00:29:59,380
energy back into yourself. Really like, take the time to

486
00:29:59,380 --> 00:30:03,780
take care of yourself, hone into your own needs. Start

487
00:30:03,780 --> 00:30:08,340
building that self love back up because it's probably been

488
00:30:08,340 --> 00:30:13,380
eroded in a situationship. You're right. And you've probably

489
00:30:13,380 --> 00:30:18,340
muted your own intuitive voice that's telling you what you

490
00:30:18,340 --> 00:30:24,020
need. So start listening to it again and then you can come

491
00:30:24,020 --> 00:30:28,660
back to your situationship from that place of more self

492
00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:33,780
worth and empowerment and say, actually, I deserve more.

493
00:30:33,780 --> 00:30:37,620
Right? I this is what I want in a relationship and this

494
00:30:37,620 --> 00:30:41,300
isn't giving that to me. So I need to cut it off or I need to

495
00:30:41,300 --> 00:30:45,700
set a boundary around it. So there is a lot of courage that

496
00:30:45,700 --> 00:30:49,220
it takes because when we get stuck in these

497
00:30:49,220 --> 00:30:52,500
situationships, especially if it's been going on for months

498
00:30:52,500 --> 00:30:58,100
and months, it can feel like I'm never going to get anything

499
00:30:58,100 --> 00:31:02,500
more than this. You know, if I give this up, oh my gosh, I

500
00:31:02,500 --> 00:31:07,380
have to start from scratch again. I feel that that's

501
00:31:07,380 --> 00:31:12,980
upsetting. It is. Yeah. Really. It really comes back to

502
00:31:12,980 --> 00:31:17,380
choosing yourself because you are worthy of more. You know

503
00:31:17,380 --> 00:31:20,580
that you have more love to give and you want to receive that

504
00:31:20,580 --> 00:31:25,940
back. So it's a reminder for every woman and every man, right?

505
00:31:25,940 --> 00:31:29,540
You deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship with

506
00:31:29,540 --> 00:31:33,060
someone who chooses to be with you everything. Say it again

507
00:31:33,060 --> 00:31:37,140
for the people in the back. Who chooses to be with you. Not

508
00:31:37,140 --> 00:31:40,980
someone you are begging to be with you and stay with you

509
00:31:40,980 --> 00:31:42,980
when they're just doing it because they feel bad or

510
00:31:42,980 --> 00:31:47,380
they're trying to be nice or whatever. Right? Or if you're

511
00:31:47,380 --> 00:31:50,580
giving them the girlfriend treatment without the title

512
00:31:50,580 --> 00:31:53,780
of girlfriend, well, they're enjoying it. They're not going

513
00:31:53,780 --> 00:31:57,940
to cut you off. That's right. They're enjoying every bit of

514
00:31:57,940 --> 00:32:00,260
that side of the bed is mine and she don't have another man

515
00:32:00,260 --> 00:32:02,660
in there because she thinks I'm her man yet I'm doing God knows

516
00:32:02,660 --> 00:32:05,460
what when I speak to her every week, every two weeks, you

517
00:32:05,460 --> 00:32:09,540
know what I'm saying? Oh my goodness. So you have to decide,

518
00:32:09,540 --> 00:32:13,220
you know, what are your boundaries of what do you,

519
00:32:13,220 --> 00:32:16,740
what are you only willing to give to someone if you're in

520
00:32:16,740 --> 00:32:21,620
an exclusive relationship? That's hard too. I've read a lot

521
00:32:21,620 --> 00:32:25,860
of self-help. I love self-help. I love love stuff. I mean, I

522
00:32:25,860 --> 00:32:28,580
read five books at a time. It's ridiculous, but all different

523
00:32:28,580 --> 00:32:31,540
types of genres, right? And I feel a lot and I've talked

524
00:32:31,540 --> 00:32:34,260
about it again as well on my other episodes. I feel that a

525
00:32:34,260 --> 00:32:36,420
lot of times they say the first thing to do and I think I

526
00:32:36,420 --> 00:32:38,980
heard you mention as well is if you're not one getting

527
00:32:38,980 --> 00:32:42,260
something that you want out of it out of somebody, right? You

528
00:32:42,260 --> 00:32:44,660
feel like somebody is just not giving you the attention that

529
00:32:44,660 --> 00:32:47,620
you think you deserve, that you know you deserve, not think

530
00:32:47,620 --> 00:32:50,820
that you know you deserve, that for any reason that you're

531
00:32:50,820 --> 00:32:53,620
just putting in more time than they are. So just pull to pull

532
00:32:53,620 --> 00:32:56,420
back your energy, completely pull back your energy, right?

533
00:32:56,420 --> 00:32:59,300
And you've set it to focus on yourself. So my question is

534
00:32:59,300 --> 00:33:02,180
when do we feel that that's worthy to do that for a person,

535
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:07,060
right? Like how do we know in your opinion who's worthy of

536
00:33:07,060 --> 00:33:09,380
just pulling back or who's worthy of saying I'm done with

537
00:33:09,380 --> 00:33:12,100
you? Isn't it a game to say I'm going to pull back my energy

538
00:33:12,100 --> 00:33:14,500
and then he's going to go, oh no, she's not paying attention

539
00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:16,740
to me and she's and he's going to come back and then now I

540
00:33:16,740 --> 00:33:18,820
want now we're starting something else and it's like, oh no,

541
00:33:18,820 --> 00:33:21,060
and now he's pulling back again. Doesn't it become like a

542
00:33:21,060 --> 00:33:23,620
weird game of cat and mouse in a way?

543
00:33:23,620 --> 00:33:28,340
Ooh, good question. Good question because I am not someone

544
00:33:28,340 --> 00:33:32,020
who advocates for games. I don't like manipulation in the

545
00:33:32,020 --> 00:33:37,300
dating process at all. So I would say this is about

546
00:33:37,300 --> 00:33:41,060
regrounding in self love and being able to tune into your

547
00:33:41,060 --> 00:33:45,780
own intuition and make decisions based off of that. We

548
00:33:45,780 --> 00:33:50,260
so often have blinders on when we are caught up in that

549
00:33:50,260 --> 00:33:54,180
chemical cocktail of all the neuro treatment. We love it.

550
00:33:54,180 --> 00:33:57,700
Come in that chemistry and so sometimes it's really hard to

551
00:33:57,700 --> 00:34:01,620
take those blinders off. So I think coming back to yourself

552
00:34:01,620 --> 00:34:05,460
tuning in and really sitting with yourself and saying,

553
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:08,980
is this everything I want in a relationship?

554
00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:14,580
Do I feel truly loved, truly cared for, truly supported,

555
00:34:14,580 --> 00:34:21,220
truly seen, understood and chosen by this person? And if the

556
00:34:21,220 --> 00:34:25,380
answer is no, then that's where you have to have the

557
00:34:25,380 --> 00:34:30,100
courage to say, I know it's scary to cut this off, but it

558
00:34:30,100 --> 00:34:34,260
is so worth it to be able to find someone who will give you

559
00:34:34,260 --> 00:34:37,940
all of that. That's that's what I had to do. I was

560
00:34:37,940 --> 00:34:41,620
single and dating in these situationships well into my

561
00:34:41,620 --> 00:34:47,060
thirties and I finally had to come to terms with myself and

562
00:34:47,060 --> 00:34:50,900
say, this isn't the type of love and relationship that I

563
00:34:50,900 --> 00:34:57,860
want. I know deep in my soul, I want an incredible love in my

564
00:34:57,860 --> 00:35:02,820
life, an incredible partner and I had to like draw a line

565
00:35:02,820 --> 00:35:05,300
like for myself, for the universe.

566
00:35:05,300 --> 00:35:10,100
Yeah, the universe is yes. I energetic up level and say, I

567
00:35:10,100 --> 00:35:14,100
am no longer tolerating any kind of relationship that does

568
00:35:14,100 --> 00:35:18,180
not align with what I truly want, which means I say no to

569
00:35:18,180 --> 00:35:21,780
anybody that is giving situationship vibes that's not

570
00:35:21,780 --> 00:35:25,700
looking for commitment and I'm only available to the people

571
00:35:25,700 --> 00:35:29,940
that want commitment. So of course, then I met my husband

572
00:35:29,940 --> 00:35:33,460
very soon after that because energetically, I was ready

573
00:35:33,460 --> 00:35:37,300
for that. I was right. Person who wanted to be in a

574
00:35:37,300 --> 00:35:41,620
committed relationship. That's right. I think about just

575
00:35:41,620 --> 00:35:44,740
all over a year ago, I would say when I started in that

576
00:35:44,740 --> 00:35:50,900
situation, I had just been coming off of the the breakup of

577
00:35:50,900 --> 00:35:53,060
my of my marriage with the man I thought was the love of my

578
00:35:53,060 --> 00:35:55,540
life, right? So then I was kind of so in my wild oats for a

579
00:35:55,540 --> 00:35:59,700
while and even after that, it was more of a comfort to me,

580
00:35:59,700 --> 00:36:02,260
right? It was that feeling of I need to feel like I'm wanted,

581
00:36:02,260 --> 00:36:05,540
like I'm desirable because this man for so long because of

582
00:36:05,540 --> 00:36:10,020
what he was doing, I felt like I put all his crap on me and I

583
00:36:10,020 --> 00:36:13,460
made it about me, right? Oh, I'm not active enough and all

584
00:36:13,460 --> 00:36:16,580
this kind of stuff. And then I went out and I was like, well,

585
00:36:16,580 --> 00:36:19,060
I'm gonna feel real good about myself and I'm gonna have fun

586
00:36:19,060 --> 00:36:21,940
and I did. When I wasn't looking for this

587
00:36:21,940 --> 00:36:25,780
situation ship, that's when it kind of popped up and that

588
00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:29,060
energy popped up, right? And I would say like the first three

589
00:36:29,060 --> 00:36:32,420
months, it was very like hot and heavy, but there were times at

590
00:36:32,420 --> 00:36:36,420
that point too that I wouldn't speak to him for a while and I

591
00:36:36,420 --> 00:36:38,260
remember thinking to myself and again, I didn't even have the

592
00:36:38,260 --> 00:36:41,140
thought of situations in my head for me who had not dated in a

593
00:36:41,140 --> 00:36:44,180
very, very, very long time before even situations. I had a

594
00:36:44,180 --> 00:36:47,780
title, right? I didn't even realize that might be what it

595
00:36:47,780 --> 00:36:52,340
was and I used to dwell so much on why is he not calling? It's

596
00:36:52,340 --> 00:36:55,940
gotta be me. Oh my god, you know, never once at any point, I

597
00:36:55,940 --> 00:36:59,780
was just falling back into that same rhythm I was in.

598
00:36:59,780 --> 00:37:04,660
Right. Instead of saying, you know what? Let it go. It's

599
00:37:04,660 --> 00:37:09,300
nothing on you. It took me about six months to say hell no.

600
00:37:09,300 --> 00:37:13,940
No. And I know damn well I deserve better than that and I

601
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:16,980
made that very obvious and I said it. Once I realized I made

602
00:37:16,980 --> 00:37:19,780
that conscious choice to stay in that situation ship

603
00:37:19,780 --> 00:37:22,340
meeting more of a friend when we hang out. We see each other

604
00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:25,380
great if we talk, but now I don't dwell on it anymore. It

605
00:37:25,380 --> 00:37:28,340
doesn't hurt me anymore. Right. You know, I shifted that

606
00:37:28,340 --> 00:37:31,300
energy to the point that I'm like, you do you, I'm gonna do

607
00:37:31,300 --> 00:37:35,700
me and good luck to you. You know that kind of thing. Yeah.

608
00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:39,540
You know, when you're dating and when you're online dating or

609
00:37:39,540 --> 00:37:43,140
dating in general, right? I know for me now what a lot of red

610
00:37:43,140 --> 00:37:46,820
flags are, right? So, in general, what would you consider

611
00:37:46,820 --> 00:37:50,580
immediate red flags and a caveat to that? We know that there's a

612
00:37:50,580 --> 00:37:53,460
lot of narcissists out there. There's a lot of serial

613
00:37:53,460 --> 00:37:57,620
daters. There's a lot of serial baby daddy's looking to knock

614
00:37:57,620 --> 00:38:00,180
up more women. There's all those things out there, right? And

615
00:38:00,180 --> 00:38:03,380
they will put on a show for a while. At that point, you

616
00:38:03,380 --> 00:38:06,820
some people are hooked. So, how would you how does someone

617
00:38:06,820 --> 00:38:11,940
avoid serious red flags and once you see them, how do you

618
00:38:11,940 --> 00:38:14,660
break free of those and and decide what it is you will or

619
00:38:14,660 --> 00:38:20,820
will not accept? Yes. Such such an important thing to

620
00:38:20,820 --> 00:38:25,860
explore. I would say the the very base of it. Are they

621
00:38:25,860 --> 00:38:29,620
respectful to you or not? And if they're not respectful, it's

622
00:38:29,620 --> 00:38:34,740
an immediate goodbye. A great flag. Agreed. Right. And then I

623
00:38:34,740 --> 00:38:38,260
would say, you know, for for some of those more long game

624
00:38:38,260 --> 00:38:43,060
things that you described like a narcissist or love bomb or

625
00:38:43,060 --> 00:38:48,340
things like that. I think I'm gonna say the same thing that

626
00:38:48,340 --> 00:38:52,660
it comes back to that self love because if you have a rock

627
00:38:52,660 --> 00:38:58,340
solid foundation in yourself, right, then it is easier to

628
00:38:58,340 --> 00:39:03,780
say, hey, something might be off here because those type of

629
00:39:03,780 --> 00:39:07,380
daters, someone who's dating like a love bomb or a narcissist

630
00:39:07,380 --> 00:39:10,740
or whatever, they're looking for vulnerabilities to latch

631
00:39:10,740 --> 00:39:18,180
onto. Yes, they are. Yes. And so a vulnerability could be if

632
00:39:18,180 --> 00:39:24,420
you don't feel like you are worthy of full healthy love,

633
00:39:24,420 --> 00:39:29,540
right? Then they'll they can latch on to that and make this

634
00:39:29,540 --> 00:39:33,060
show like they're giving you everything that you need. You

635
00:39:33,060 --> 00:39:36,900
can't get this from anybody else. But really what they what

636
00:39:36,900 --> 00:39:41,380
you want to watch out for is are they trying to distance you

637
00:39:41,380 --> 00:39:44,660
from your own inner truth? Are they trying to distance you

638
00:39:44,660 --> 00:39:48,500
from your friends and family who might be you know, outside

639
00:39:48,500 --> 00:39:53,300
perspectives, right? Check you on what's going on. So think

640
00:39:53,300 --> 00:39:56,980
think about that. Do you feel like you can fully show up as

641
00:39:56,980 --> 00:40:02,100
your amazing unique self and feel empowered to do that? Or do

642
00:40:02,100 --> 00:40:05,940
you feel like you have to bend and shape yourself or shrink

643
00:40:05,940 --> 00:40:09,940
yourself? Drink yourself with this person. If you feel like

644
00:40:09,940 --> 00:40:13,780
you're shrinking and you start noticing you're you're holding

645
00:40:13,780 --> 00:40:19,060
your tongue on things or you're suppressing your needs,

646
00:40:19,060 --> 00:40:22,580
you're not asking for what you want. Those are all things to

647
00:40:22,580 --> 00:40:26,740
watch out for to say maybe or your gut is telling you something

648
00:40:26,740 --> 00:40:29,780
doesn't feel quite right. And I always say gotta listen to

649
00:40:29,780 --> 00:40:34,660
intuition. That intuition we as women and again, I'll say I'll

650
00:40:34,660 --> 00:40:37,540
say for men. I don't really know for men, but I I know for a

651
00:40:37,540 --> 00:40:41,220
fact for women that is a superpower and we just have to

652
00:40:41,220 --> 00:40:44,420
tap into it. And it's not always easy to do that. Take

653
00:40:44,420 --> 00:40:47,620
self-awareness and practice and really listening to that gut

654
00:40:47,620 --> 00:40:50,340
feeling that you know can save people's lives. I mean, let's

655
00:40:50,340 --> 00:40:53,860
be realistic. It can save your life. For our listeners, you

656
00:40:53,860 --> 00:40:56,020
know, if you're not sure what a narcissist is or if you're a

657
00:40:56,020 --> 00:40:59,220
narcissistic abuse relationship, I do have an episode about

658
00:40:59,220 --> 00:41:02,180
that. You can look and you know, check on my on my page and

659
00:41:02,180 --> 00:41:04,900
you can see that there. It's a long episode, but it is truly

660
00:41:04,900 --> 00:41:09,140
worth it because I survived that narcissistic relationship

661
00:41:09,140 --> 00:41:11,700
actually more than once. Please go and check that out because

662
00:41:11,700 --> 00:41:15,380
it's really important. People out there really, I mean, there's

663
00:41:15,380 --> 00:41:17,860
genuine wonderful people out there of course that are in the

664
00:41:17,860 --> 00:41:20,500
same you know situations we are. Sometimes you just want

665
00:41:20,500 --> 00:41:22,820
someone to talk to a companion. There's nothing wrong with

666
00:41:22,820 --> 00:41:26,180
that, but a lot of us sometimes get just completely wrapped up

667
00:41:26,180 --> 00:41:28,900
in in these these situationships that some are

668
00:41:28,900 --> 00:41:33,300
narcissistic. Others are just opportunistic, right? So we have

669
00:41:33,300 --> 00:41:36,660
plenty of scammers out there. Be real careful online. Oh my

670
00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:40,180
gosh. I say always that's just really a really a crazy thing.

671
00:41:40,180 --> 00:41:42,420
It's like some of the stuff on your people that DM you when

672
00:41:42,420 --> 00:41:45,060
you find out they're like in Nigeria somewhere, but they're

673
00:41:45,060 --> 00:41:47,380
they're pretending to be somebody, you know, somebody in the

674
00:41:47,380 --> 00:41:50,340
army. I've had a few since stuff to me and I'm like, yeah,

675
00:41:50,340 --> 00:41:54,340
okay, I've have had to prove to them. I know who you are. So

676
00:41:54,340 --> 00:41:56,660
there's a lot of stuff out there. Please do your your research

677
00:41:56,660 --> 00:41:58,900
and be careful online. I really wanted to put that disclaimer

678
00:41:58,900 --> 00:42:02,580
out there because you know, as many good people as there can

679
00:42:02,580 --> 00:42:04,660
be in as much as you can find the love of your life as you

680
00:42:04,660 --> 00:42:07,380
were blessed to do so. You know, for the one you might find

681
00:42:07,380 --> 00:42:12,180
there could be 25 that are just opportunistic and really

682
00:42:12,180 --> 00:42:16,100
could hurt somebody. I think that's part of the reason we

683
00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:20,500
talk about communication, right? And and red flags because

684
00:42:20,500 --> 00:42:25,060
the only way I feel and again from experience now that I've

685
00:42:25,060 --> 00:42:27,780
gotten past certain parts of my life and I've done a little

686
00:42:27,780 --> 00:42:32,020
bit of the dating here and there. People can only fake nice

687
00:42:32,020 --> 00:42:36,100
for so long, you know, before little bits start to come

688
00:42:36,100 --> 00:42:39,540
through, old habits start to show up that you were like,

689
00:42:39,540 --> 00:42:43,860
that's new and I think it's really interesting that so many

690
00:42:43,860 --> 00:42:48,260
of our experiences and dating or relationships is just does

691
00:42:48,260 --> 00:42:53,700
so much shaping of who we are, you know, and our clarity

692
00:42:53,700 --> 00:42:57,700
sometimes, you know, and I think it's important for women and

693
00:42:57,700 --> 00:43:02,740
for men to really, really learn yourself. It just makes no

694
00:43:02,740 --> 00:43:05,620
other sense otherwise and it's a process. It's painful. I'm

695
00:43:05,620 --> 00:43:08,020
not even going to pretend it's not painful. You know, I still

696
00:43:08,020 --> 00:43:11,620
have moments where I go back and a lot of times it's when I'm

697
00:43:11,620 --> 00:43:14,820
around my exes that all of a sudden I feel myself being

698
00:43:14,820 --> 00:43:17,540
triggered and getting pulled back and I thought about what you

699
00:43:17,540 --> 00:43:21,380
said and that was today actually. We think I was talking to

700
00:43:21,380 --> 00:43:25,780
my to my daughter's father and I just all of a sudden I was in

701
00:43:25,780 --> 00:43:29,140
my twenties again married to this man who was just a mess and I

702
00:43:29,140 --> 00:43:32,340
couldn't stand and I was just trying to escape from and I was

703
00:43:32,340 --> 00:43:36,420
just like, why? Why am I letting you in my energy? Why am I

704
00:43:36,420 --> 00:43:40,180
letting you bother me? I'm the common denominator. That's my

705
00:43:40,180 --> 00:43:43,700
biggest problem. I'm the common denominator. So, it made me go

706
00:43:43,700 --> 00:43:48,500
back and say, well, I know I wasn't the problem. Okay, let's

707
00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:51,380
put it that way because they have documented diagnosed

708
00:43:51,380 --> 00:43:56,340
problems, right? So, that wasn't on me but every single time to

709
00:43:56,340 --> 00:43:59,700
this day that they still gaslight me, they still make me

710
00:43:59,700 --> 00:44:02,100
look like I'm crazy because now I'm getting all excited because

711
00:44:02,100 --> 00:44:07,300
they're triggering me again. See it now. I can see it now and

712
00:44:07,300 --> 00:44:10,900
that to me is the hardest thing about being I think really

713
00:44:10,900 --> 00:44:14,020
being self-aware. Once those rose color glasses come off,

714
00:44:14,020 --> 00:44:16,580
what I just talked about today's episode, when those rose

715
00:44:16,580 --> 00:44:23,300
color glasses come off, I am the poster child for regression.

716
00:44:23,300 --> 00:44:27,220
I really am. I really am because it depends who I'm around. I

717
00:44:27,220 --> 00:44:30,660
sometimes shrink back into this person and I go, oh no, no, no,

718
00:44:30,660 --> 00:44:36,340
no, absolutely not. You know for a fact who you are and I'll be

719
00:44:36,340 --> 00:44:40,660
that person and I think with red flags that's really

720
00:44:40,660 --> 00:44:44,580
important to have is that self-awareness enough to go

721
00:44:44,580 --> 00:44:49,220
to go absolutely not. This does not align with me at all.

722
00:44:49,220 --> 00:44:56,740
Yes and that's why dating in your 30s, your 40s, beyond or

723
00:44:56,740 --> 00:45:01,540
dating after divorce, honestly I feel like can be so much more

724
00:45:01,540 --> 00:45:05,860
empowering because you know yourself better. Because you

725
00:45:05,860 --> 00:45:09,460
know what you're no longer willing to tolerate in a

726
00:45:09,460 --> 00:45:14,180
relationship and you can then open yourself up to

727
00:45:14,180 --> 00:45:19,060
what you do want in a relationship. You have more clarity

728
00:45:19,060 --> 00:45:22,660
hopefully if you've given yourself the gift of that

729
00:45:22,660 --> 00:45:26,820
self-discovery. You can have more clarity going in to really

730
00:45:26,820 --> 00:45:31,700
again be more intentional about what you're looking for in a relationship.

731
00:45:31,700 --> 00:45:35,860
In your opinion, with somebody who's starting over, whether it's

732
00:45:35,860 --> 00:45:39,460
divorce, whether it's a death, God forbid, whether it's just a

733
00:45:39,460 --> 00:45:42,180
breakup in general, a significant breakup, right?

734
00:45:42,180 --> 00:45:45,300
How does someone rebuild their self-esteem? How does someone

735
00:45:45,300 --> 00:45:48,420
rebuild their confidence? Other than, I mean, we know that there are

736
00:45:48,420 --> 00:45:51,780
self-love practices to do that because we know that's number one, right? That

737
00:45:51,780 --> 00:45:55,860
should always be. But even when you're so sunk in the ground,

738
00:45:55,860 --> 00:46:00,260
you're so defeated, you are grieving, you don't know how you're going to move on

739
00:46:00,260 --> 00:46:02,980
with your life without this person. All of a sudden,

740
00:46:02,980 --> 00:46:05,300
they could have been the worst person in the world but all of a sudden now you're

741
00:46:05,300 --> 00:46:09,940
going, maybe they weren't so bad. Maybe they weren't so bad, right? Your

742
00:46:09,940 --> 00:46:15,220
entire identity goes out the window. So for someone who's starting over after

743
00:46:15,220 --> 00:46:18,980
a significant breakup, how do they get themselves back? How do they

744
00:46:18,980 --> 00:46:22,660
find that deep place that all of a sudden they stop crying and they go,

745
00:46:22,660 --> 00:46:26,980
it's okay to miss this person because I miss what I thought we had.

746
00:46:26,980 --> 00:46:30,260
I miss what we did have but now I need to move on.

747
00:46:30,260 --> 00:46:34,660
And it's so important to do that before jumping back into the dating scene.

748
00:46:34,660 --> 00:46:38,980
So what are your opinions on that? Yes, and I love that you use the word

749
00:46:38,980 --> 00:46:47,300
identity because I think when we're in a couple, right, that becomes a part of

750
00:46:47,300 --> 00:46:54,580
our identity. Oh, yes. And so it becomes an effort of reclaiming your identity

751
00:46:54,580 --> 00:47:01,860
as an individual. Let it be fun. Go explore who you are now because you're

752
00:47:01,860 --> 00:47:04,660
different than the last time that you were single.

753
00:47:04,660 --> 00:47:10,500
So, yes. Oh, yes. Like you said, listening to those little nudges of like,

754
00:47:10,500 --> 00:47:13,860
do you want to go to that movie? Okay, treat yourself. Go to the movie even if

755
00:47:13,860 --> 00:47:17,460
it's by yourself. Do you want to go try out that new restaurant in town?

756
00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:22,340
Go try out that new restaurant. Go sit at the bar by yourself and have a solo

757
00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:27,540
date night. It's listening to all those little nudges of allowing

758
00:47:27,540 --> 00:47:31,780
yourself to be like, what would feel really good for me right now? What would

759
00:47:31,780 --> 00:47:37,860
I love to do right now? What do I want to explore? And just following them one by

760
00:47:37,860 --> 00:47:44,980
one by one, it's going to be a process. Yes. Right? Is this not an overnight thing?

761
00:47:44,980 --> 00:47:49,140
Yeah. It's also like fine. So that's, you know,

762
00:47:49,140 --> 00:47:54,020
refinding yourself, but also refinding your support system. Often that might mean

763
00:47:54,020 --> 00:47:58,180
reconnecting with your friends or your family or even finding a new supportive

764
00:47:58,180 --> 00:48:04,900
community that you can explore more of yourself and expand more of yourself.

765
00:48:04,900 --> 00:48:09,060
I'm curious how have you worked through that process in your life?

766
00:48:09,060 --> 00:48:15,460
In the beginning, I was so lost. I was, it had me physically sick. I gained a ton of,

767
00:48:15,460 --> 00:48:19,140
ton of, ton of weight. And I'll tell you what, you get to an age that is a lot harder to get

768
00:48:19,140 --> 00:48:23,860
off. I'm still struggling, but it was, it was, I made myself all about, I thought

769
00:48:23,860 --> 00:48:29,220
that I was about me until I lost that piece of me. And then I realized I'm only about him.

770
00:48:29,220 --> 00:48:33,460
And I was like, how the hell does, how the hell does that happen? And in the beginning,

771
00:48:34,260 --> 00:48:39,140
I was in such denial. In the beginning, I was like, I don't care what was done, what happened.

772
00:48:39,140 --> 00:48:42,820
I'm not giving up on this relationship. I didn't want to get married the second time.

773
00:48:42,820 --> 00:48:46,820
I got convinced to do so. And now I have to fight this through. And I did everything from going

774
00:48:46,820 --> 00:48:51,460
to psychics. I'm a very spiritual person. So all those things to me weren't crazy. I had to remove

775
00:48:51,460 --> 00:48:56,420
him. I literally had to extricate him from my households because of what it was doing to me.

776
00:48:56,420 --> 00:49:02,420
And even then, I was like, I need, I need to know right now, is everything going to be saved?

777
00:49:02,420 --> 00:49:07,540
Is everything going to go back? I did everything. And then one day I'm talking to my friend, Jose.

778
00:49:08,420 --> 00:49:12,820
And he said to me one time, and I'll never forget, he said, do you know the opposite

779
00:49:12,820 --> 00:49:20,340
of love and hate? And I said, what? And he said indifference. He said, as soon as you start to

780
00:49:20,340 --> 00:49:25,620
feel indifferent, when you realize you're giving everything and still getting nothing in return,

781
00:49:26,660 --> 00:49:32,900
that's when the pain starts to subside. Wow. That's when you start to come out of that show and

782
00:49:32,900 --> 00:49:37,860
realize you have to focus on you. He said, when you can think about your ex and it's not that you,

783
00:49:37,860 --> 00:49:43,620
you may not, or may or may not love them still, you may or may not hate them. But when you can

784
00:49:43,620 --> 00:49:49,300
look at them and literally feel just completely nothing like indifferent, not numb because we

785
00:49:49,300 --> 00:49:54,900
know numb is avoidance, right? Just purely indifferent. Like, wow, I don't believe you mattered so much.

786
00:49:54,900 --> 00:50:02,020
Again, take off the rose colored glasses. That's when you can finally say, wow, I need to take

787
00:50:02,020 --> 00:50:08,100
care of myself. And that's exactly what happened with me. And it took me some time. It definitely did.

788
00:50:08,740 --> 00:50:13,780
And now sometimes you ever see those memes that you, you ever see those memes that the woman is like,

789
00:50:13,780 --> 00:50:17,860
or someone says, my goodness, I ever look at your ex, I wonder what the hell I was thinking or

790
00:50:17,860 --> 00:50:23,220
why did this person make me so weak in the knees to begin with, right? Once you get to that point,

791
00:50:24,820 --> 00:50:30,180
to me, that was, that was the catalyst I needed. Him saying that was the catalyst I needed.

792
00:50:30,180 --> 00:50:32,980
It's just the opposite of love and hate is just indifference.

793
00:50:32,980 --> 00:50:34,100
How powerful.

794
00:50:34,660 --> 00:50:34,980
Yeah.

795
00:50:34,980 --> 00:50:42,580
To love that shift and being able to work beyond the grief, because of course there's grief when

796
00:50:42,580 --> 00:50:48,340
you're losing a relationship. And I'm sure you're experiencing a range of emotions, right?

797
00:50:48,340 --> 00:50:50,660
Everything from love and hate to in between.

798
00:50:51,620 --> 00:51:02,420
And that that shift, it's almost a detachment to say like, they no longer control my emotion or my

799
00:51:02,420 --> 00:51:06,500
energy or how I'm showing up in the day. I get to decide that.

800
00:51:06,500 --> 00:51:07,300
Yeah.

801
00:51:07,300 --> 00:51:09,620
It was, it was taking the power back.

802
00:51:09,620 --> 00:51:13,700
Yeah. It was so freeing. And that's something that I loved about it was taking the power back,

803
00:51:14,340 --> 00:51:19,140
saying, I don't need to anymore be about you because that wasn't enough for you either.

804
00:51:20,420 --> 00:51:24,420
Right? Like it didn't matter what I did for you. It didn't matter what I did to myself for you.

805
00:51:24,420 --> 00:51:28,980
It didn't matter that I nearly killed myself to get you help to do the things you needed.

806
00:51:28,980 --> 00:51:32,820
It didn't matter because you still were going to do what you were going to do.

807
00:51:33,780 --> 00:51:37,380
And now you deal with the consequences. I'm not dealing with the consequences anymore.

808
00:51:37,380 --> 00:51:41,380
And you know, of course my situation was very traumatic, very, very traumatic.

809
00:51:41,380 --> 00:51:45,700
I think every breakup shapes you in some type of way. You know, like I know a lot of women

810
00:51:45,700 --> 00:51:48,820
that they've never been married, but they've been in relationship after relationship,

811
00:51:48,820 --> 00:51:51,380
significant relationships. Right.

812
00:51:51,380 --> 00:51:56,420
And it just, it really starts to shape your view of the next relationship. And it's really

813
00:51:56,420 --> 00:52:02,340
interesting. And I'm so happy for you that you were able to find your person because

814
00:52:02,340 --> 00:52:08,980
Thank you. Really not easy out there to do. And I want so much, I think so much we need in this

815
00:52:08,980 --> 00:52:16,820
world, people who just want to give love, want to accept real love. Yeah. And it can really

816
00:52:16,820 --> 00:52:22,180
give themselves happily to somebody so that that person doesn't have to add anything else to them.

817
00:52:22,180 --> 00:52:28,340
They can just be happy with them. I think, and I think that what you're doing for women

818
00:52:28,340 --> 00:52:33,220
is wonderful. I'm going to, I have one more question to ask you because I'm curious about

819
00:52:33,220 --> 00:52:39,780
the starting over for, for people that are again, just trying to start over or in general, just

820
00:52:40,580 --> 00:52:45,140
going out there, whether it could be the first time, you know, what are some serious pitfalls

821
00:52:46,420 --> 00:52:51,540
that someone should look out for or avoid when starting over or when dating or whatever the

822
00:52:51,540 --> 00:52:57,780
case may be? Good question. Well, sort of the process that I lead women through in dating

823
00:52:57,780 --> 00:53:03,940
coaching, of course, starts with that, that foundation of self love, the energy, then the

824
00:53:03,940 --> 00:53:11,220
next piece is healing your past dating patterns. Oh, is right. Just like you're talking about when

825
00:53:11,220 --> 00:53:15,700
you're coming out of these really serious relationships, you're so shaped by those

826
00:53:15,700 --> 00:53:23,060
relationships. Oftentimes, we tend to seek out the same type of relationship. It's

827
00:53:23,060 --> 00:53:29,300
unconscious. We don't even realize that we're doing it. So there really is a need to

828
00:53:30,900 --> 00:53:37,780
take a closer look at why did you attract those type of partners, right? Was it free

829
00:53:37,780 --> 00:53:43,300
relationship is a mirror? It's holding up a mirror to show us something about ourselves.

830
00:53:44,100 --> 00:53:50,020
So now I want to caveat, right? If you're in like an abusive relationship or a narcissist

831
00:53:50,020 --> 00:53:55,140
relationship, please do not take that as it's your fault. That's not the message that I'm

832
00:53:55,140 --> 00:54:01,300
sending here. Agreed. But relationships can hold up a mirror to help illuminate things in

833
00:54:01,300 --> 00:54:06,260
ourselves to help us learn more about ourselves. So it's really important to look back and say,

834
00:54:06,260 --> 00:54:15,620
okay, how was I showing up that that felt like a good match at the time? Yes. And especially

835
00:54:15,620 --> 00:54:20,980
if you tend to date the same guy over and over again, just with different names, I still

836
00:54:20,980 --> 00:54:28,100
do. I love a bad boy. Right? Like digging into those patterns and saying, okay, what is it about

837
00:54:28,100 --> 00:54:34,820
that that I was attracted to? Right? How can I shift away from that and do some healing around

838
00:54:34,820 --> 00:54:40,740
that? If that type of relationship wasn't serving you, right? Copy that. Then how can you show up

839
00:54:40,740 --> 00:54:45,540
differently to attract a different type of relationship or a different dynamic? I think

840
00:54:45,540 --> 00:54:50,660
that's an important pitfall that people tend to get back into the same type of relationship.

841
00:54:50,660 --> 00:54:56,420
Yes. Because it feels familiar. Our brains love familiarity, even if it was bad for us.

842
00:54:56,420 --> 00:55:02,500
This is familiarity, even if it's chaos or whatever, rather than choosing the good. So we

843
00:55:02,500 --> 00:55:08,500
have to consciously choose something better for us. I love that. And you know what? I keep

844
00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:14,340
using the word choose here. And I want to come back to this because when I think about my marriage,

845
00:55:14,340 --> 00:55:18,580
I'm now I'm two and a half years in. So it's still pretty. Oh, you're still newly wed.

846
00:55:19,300 --> 00:55:26,180
Yeah, I still newly wed. But we both look at it as we choose to be in relationship with each other

847
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:32,740
every single day. And the hope is that we continue to choose for the rest of our lives.

848
00:55:32,740 --> 00:55:38,740
Right. But really, like this is a conscious choice. I never want to be in a position where we're just

849
00:55:38,740 --> 00:55:44,980
running on default or running on auto drive and taking each other for granted. Right. We really

850
00:55:44,980 --> 00:55:50,820
choose to show up in our relationship every single day. So beautiful. The point of that is so when

851
00:55:50,820 --> 00:55:55,540
you're making that conscious choice, nobody feels like they are in a situation they don't want to be.

852
00:55:56,420 --> 00:56:01,460
Right. That shows that you can have that communication when any of you is not happy about

853
00:56:01,460 --> 00:56:07,700
something. All of that is a choice because you're like, this is who I want to be with. Right. People

854
00:56:07,700 --> 00:56:13,060
have choices to do stuff that they shouldn't do that ruin and destroy. And the fact that you and

855
00:56:13,060 --> 00:56:21,220
your husband are so keen on having that communication and choosing to do that. I pray for future

856
00:56:21,220 --> 00:56:25,620
blessings like I really do for you and you know what the form of marriage I really do. Let me,

857
00:56:25,620 --> 00:56:30,420
I realized I did have one more question because again, I speak about this all the time. I live it.

858
00:56:30,420 --> 00:56:37,380
I do live it myself and it takes practice. I know in your practice of helping others,

859
00:56:37,380 --> 00:56:43,940
it says that you use mindfulness and manifestation within your practice. So would you mind giving

860
00:56:43,940 --> 00:56:50,340
listeners just an idea of what that means for you? Yeah, absolutely. So with the mindfulness,

861
00:56:50,340 --> 00:56:56,900
it's actually a lot of what we've talked about here today around tuning into yourself. So I offer

862
00:56:56,900 --> 00:57:04,340
guided meditations to help women tune into themselves and be able to identify how they feel

863
00:57:04,340 --> 00:57:12,180
or identify what they want or need. And I think that's really again at the foundation of dating

864
00:57:12,180 --> 00:57:16,100
from a place of empowerment, mindfulness and self-awareness.

865
00:57:16,100 --> 00:57:21,540
There are for the people in the back. Yes. And then from a manifestation standpoint,

866
00:57:21,540 --> 00:57:28,420
really the whole process is around becoming that energetic match to the partner that you want,

867
00:57:28,420 --> 00:57:34,660
like we talked about. So how are you showing up? What energy are you bringing in? And of course,

868
00:57:34,660 --> 00:57:42,260
healing your past patterns and shifting your identity to open up your system,

869
00:57:42,260 --> 00:57:48,420
like your nervous system to say deserve to be in this type of relationship that you do want,

870
00:57:48,420 --> 00:57:57,540
that that is available to me, that is safe for me rather than choosing familiar chaos or unsafe.

871
00:57:59,380 --> 00:58:05,300
It's rewiring, right? It's rewiring of your brain. If someone can be brainwashed one way,

872
00:58:05,300 --> 00:58:10,020
you can be brainwashed the other and you can easily brainwash yourself into

873
00:58:11,140 --> 00:58:15,780
being a better version of yourself. Why not take the power of that

874
00:58:15,780 --> 00:58:21,940
and turn it on its head, right? Do the opposite of everything you've been doing.

875
00:58:22,980 --> 00:58:25,620
If you're out there and you're doing all this stuff and you're like,

876
00:58:25,620 --> 00:58:31,300
I don't get why I'm not getting anybody good, it's because, okay, look internally first.

877
00:58:31,300 --> 00:58:34,260
Say to yourself, I'm deserving. Pray for your future husband.

878
00:58:35,540 --> 00:58:35,860
Yes.

879
00:58:37,220 --> 00:58:41,620
Pray for the man that you already know is out there. You just have to find each other.

880
00:58:41,620 --> 00:58:45,860
Exactly. Because or your future wife, whatever it may be,

881
00:58:45,860 --> 00:58:52,180
pray for that person because that person could be anywhere. That person could be in the Dollar Tree

882
00:58:52,180 --> 00:58:58,260
and standing at the grocery line with you. Thank you so much. I'm so glad that you were on here.

883
00:58:58,260 --> 00:59:05,220
Can I shout out the earrings? Okay. Lauren came completely prepared with the Prosecco earrings

884
00:59:05,220 --> 00:59:10,820
and I'm jealous because I need a pair. I'm going to go find me a pair. I love them so much and

885
00:59:10,820 --> 00:59:16,820
thank you so much for wearing them and looking lovely. I'm so glad that we're able to have this

886
00:59:16,820 --> 00:59:25,460
conversation. Yes. My Prosecco earrings, I actually wore on my wedding day at our reception because

887
00:59:26,740 --> 00:59:32,580
truly, I am a bubbly Prosecco queen myself and really just love it.

888
00:59:33,220 --> 00:59:37,940
Everybody can be a Prosecco queen. If you're a queen, if you believe in yourself,

889
00:59:37,940 --> 00:59:43,700
if you out there doing badass things, you are a queen. If you're doing nothing but being an

890
00:59:43,700 --> 00:59:50,740
amazing person in the world, you are a queen and we share so much queen energy and we put that energy

891
00:59:50,740 --> 00:59:55,620
out there and I want to wish good luck to everybody in the dating world because I don't

892
00:59:55,620 --> 01:00:00,580
know when or if I'll feel like joining that again. But if there's still breath in my lungs,

893
01:00:00,580 --> 01:00:08,180
I'm sure I'll try again at some point. I would leave that parting words for our guests that

894
01:00:08,180 --> 01:00:15,380
if you want romantic love, go find it. You deserve it. You are worthy of it and it is absolutely

895
01:00:15,380 --> 01:00:22,420
available for you. Sometimes you just need an example of it, an expander, a role model to show

896
01:00:22,420 --> 01:00:29,700
you what's possible. So keep the faith, keep going and you will find the love that you deserve.

897
01:00:29,700 --> 01:00:36,740
And in those wonderful words, ask you where can our listeners reach out to you and I'll also

898
01:00:36,740 --> 01:00:41,540
put it in my show notes so everybody knows but where can they find you, get your services if

899
01:00:41,540 --> 01:00:47,620
they like, read more about you, etc. etc. Yes, you can find me on my website,

900
01:00:47,620 --> 01:00:52,340
laurenfundreast.com and on Instagram at Lauren Fundreist.

901
01:00:53,300 --> 01:00:57,060
Wonderful and that's a wrap on today's episode of Prosecco Queen's podcast.

902
01:00:57,060 --> 01:01:01,620
So to our audience, if you're walking away from this conversation feeling more confident,

903
01:01:01,620 --> 01:01:06,500
more intentional and a little less willing to entertain situationships, then mission accomplished.

904
01:01:06,500 --> 01:01:11,220
Dating isn't just about finding someone, it's about finding yourself first, setting standards

905
01:01:11,220 --> 01:01:16,180
and honor your worth and make sure that every yes you give is one that actually serves you.

906
01:01:16,180 --> 01:01:21,540
A huge thank you to Lauren Fundreist for sharing her wisdom, your energy and all the game changing

907
01:01:21,540 --> 01:01:25,700
tools to help us date with purpose. If today's conversation spoke to you, be sure to check her

908
01:01:25,700 --> 01:01:30,500
out for even more guidance on how to attract the love you truly deserve. And as always,

909
01:01:30,500 --> 01:01:34,180
if you love this episode, don't forget to subscribe, share and leave a review. It helps

910
01:01:34,180 --> 01:01:39,220
keep the Prosecco flowing and the conversations growing. Connect with me on social media and on

911
01:01:39,220 --> 01:01:44,900
YouTube at Prosecco Queen's podcast or at ProseccoQueensPodcast at gmail.com and let's

912
01:01:44,900 --> 01:01:49,380
keep the discussion going. Until next time, keep your standards high, your energy magnetic,

913
01:01:49,380 --> 01:01:53,380
and your glass full. Cheers to loving yourself first and attracting the kind of love that's

914
01:01:53,380 --> 01:01:56,980
worthy of you. See you next time for Prosecco Queen's Fam. Peace out.