So pop the bubbly because today's episode of Prosecco Queens podcast is all about
dating smarter, not harder.
If you've been tuning in, you know that this podcast is all about real talk, sparkling
conversation and empowering queens like you and the kings that love and support us to
live your best life.
Whether it's in love, career, or just making sure your glass and your standards stay full.
Over the past decades, I've explored everything from personal growth to relationships.
From these episodes, I've drawn from my own experiences, navigating life, love and everything
in between.
I started Prosecco Queens because I believe in open, honest conversations, the kind you'd
have over a glass of bubbly with your best friends.
And today we've got the perfect guest to join the conversation.
Answer, Lauren Fandreist, dating coach, self-worth advocate and expert in helping women attract
the kind of love that actually aligns with their values.
Lauren is an international coaching, Federation certified coach with the background in human
organizational development from Vanderbilt University.
And she's spent years helping women break out of toxic dating patterns, communicate with
confidence and build relationships that last.
Oh, and did I mention she brings mindfulness, manifestation and real life experience into
her coaching?
All the things that we know I love.
Basically she's the dating fairy godmother we all wish we had sooner.
Lauren's philosophy is all about shifting your energy, strengthening your decision making
powers and knowing when to go all in or when to say, thank you, next.
And honestly, that's exactly the kind of vibe we are all about here, Prosecco Queens.
So if you're ready to ditch the dating dead ends and start attracting high quality connections,
grab your glass and settle in because this episode is about to change the way you look
at love.
And again, it is my pleasure to have you on the pod, Lauren, welcome.
Thank you so much, Teresa, and I'm feeling bubbly just listening to that introduction.
Thank you.
You're welcome and thank you.
I love that.
So I am very excited about our convoy today because I'm sure I will learn some things.
And I know our audience will.
I think I smell a possible two-parter.
We have lots to discuss.
Lots to talk about, lots to get through.
So I want to start with the most basic and that is your background.
You know, I know I gave a little background in the intro, but what drew you to this line
of work and what is the work that you do?
Yes, so I'm a women's dating coach.
I help single women who are ready to find their dream partner and build a healthy, committed
relationship, but dating just isn't working for them.
So I help them bring joy, confidence and intention back into the dating process.
And the reason why I am so fueled to help women date with more intention is because
of how much I struggled in my own dating life when I was single and dating before I met
my husband.
When I was 27, I got out of a serious relationship and entered into the unknown.
The void.
Yes.
The void.
Yes.
The void.
Yes.
Being single, dating and not knowing when I was going to find my partner.
And this phase lasted a little bit longer than I had hoped it would.
And through that process, I was constantly finding myself in situationships and dealing
with bad behavior from the people that I was meeting.
And it really took a toll on my mental health.
And I just wasn't receiving the type of love that I knew that I truly, truly desired.
And deserved.
Absolutely.
And that was my first time.
And, I was like, I didn't know that I was going to find the right partner for my partner.
Yes.
Quality love.
And I had to ultimately take a step back and say, okay, we can blame it all on the men,
but we don't do that here because I'm the common denominator where we can only control
ourselves and I know that there are good quality men out there.
How do I shift how I'm approaching dating in order to find them?
That's unbelievable.
your focus is dating with intention. Can you put a little
color on that for our audience? And for me, actually?
Yes, exactly. So often we go into dating, thinking we want
chemistry, we want vibes, right? We just want someone. There's
nothing wrong with that. All of those things are important. When
I say dating with intention, I mean, what are you looking for
in a relationship? Do you want to be in a committed, lasting
partnership, maybe a marriage if that suits you? Not everybody
wants that. But if that's what you want, date with that goal in
mind, which looks very different than dating, casually,
just to have fun. It means getting clear with yourself on
what you want out of a relationship. How do you want
to feel with your future partner and having the confidence to
express that and be able to identify early on dates one,
two or three? Whether the person that you're seeing aligns
with not only what you want in a relationship, but also do they
match your value system? Do they want to build the same
lifestyle that you do? So thinking about it from that
compatibility angle.
Now let me ask you something because this is something that
I struggle with as well. I do. I love chemistry. That's a
drive of energy. I love chemistry. I kind of thrive off of
that. Right. And unfortunately, that hasn't done me great
really in the past. I mean, for a little bit, sure. But you
know, after a while, sometimes that can also go astray. Right.
And now you're left with sometimes feeling vapid, right?
You're feeling kind of just like, okay, that was great for what
it was. And now I'm kind of seeing this person for who they
really are. But do you feel dating with intention and based
on your personal experience as well, once you start shifting
your energy, once you start feeling people's energies,
because I've mentioned many times on this pod that I love to
meet people in person because I like to feel energy. You know,
I told you about my situation and we can talk about that a
little bit where I was like shaking from the energy, right?
And so for me, I wonder if you're dating casually and
obviously you can meet your person that way. But if you're
just thinking about chemistry and you're just saying, you know,
I have to be super attracted to this person right away and I
have to be super, this makes me super motivated. If you're not
super attracted to somebody right away, right? For any reason.
And a lot of us have a bad habit of only looking at that. We
don't necessarily pay attention to energy or any of those other
things. We have to feel like we're super attracted. How do you
get past maybe that fact that you might not be super attracted
to somebody right away and actually get to the point that
you can find out if you have similar values and beliefs and
all that other stuff. So many good questions. A lot in there
because it's like, it's like so much, so much to this. So first
I'd say let's define the difference between chemistry,
energy and compatibility. Chemistry, I would say is that
initial heat and attraction. It's the flood of all the
neurotransmitters that are giving you those feel that
dopamine man that had hit. Oh, I love it. Yeah, exactly. And
I'm not discounting the importance of that. That can be
very important in dating. That's what I led with in dating. But
what I realized was when that was my primary factor in dating,
I was missing out on the compatibility element. And these
would be hot and heavy situationships that would fizzle
out within a month because we didn't have anything else to
back it up. So it depends what are you dating for, right? And
you might not know that going in. But if you want to build a
lasting relationship, you also have to look for that
compatibility, meaning do they align on your values? Do they
have similar worldviews as you? Do they want to live a similar
lifestyle? Do they compliment you? Do they lift your energy
instead of drain your energy? Those are some of the things
that are important in terms of compatibility, because
chemistry could ebb and flow throughout any relationship.
Compatibility is really what's at the foundation of creating
lasting love and lasting partnership. I agree. And so
let's say you meet someone and from a physical attraction
standpoint, you're quite sure upfront, but you can tell that
the compatibility is there. Okay, so maybe just give it a few
more dates, right? And see if that builds over time. If it
doesn't build, okay, then maybe it's not the person for you,
but give a chance for that compatibility to outweigh the
chemistry rather than leaving the chemistry. Yeah, I'll pause
there and then let's talk about energy.
I mean, you obviously have had, we had like a pre
conversation and I happen to mention that I am big on energy
and I love that you were like, Oh my God, me too. Right?
Because for me, energy is everything, you know, and I've
had moments where the energy when we first met was so
electric, I thought I was crazy, you know, until 10 minutes
later, he texted me and was like, Holy crap, did you feel
that? And I was like, Oh my God, I've never felt like that
before, you know, from someone that I've never met before,
that I had never talked to before, you know, it wasn't
like I had been talking to them and that we met for the
first time, it was more like just this crazy, you know, pull.
And then it turned into a situation ship and it kind of
once I realized that's what it was about, I kind of decided
out whatever, I'm not really looking for a boyfriend right
now, let it be. But that energy was something that shook me
actually, because I would have thought that I would only have
that energy with somebody that was like meant for me, right?
Somebody that was supposed to be for me, right? Now we don't
know what the universe has is for us, right? You know, and I
still talk to him every once in a while. But in general, it's
not even like, you know, we had amazing chemistry, amazing
compatibility in other ways, right? And an extreme emotional
connection. But other than that, and then that's just it ended
up what it was. But that energy to this day, we still we would
talk still talk about that because it was wild.
Yes, I love that you share this story because it illustrates
what it feels like to feel someone's energy. So my motto
is be the energy that you want to attract. Amen. And oh my
gosh, and you know, you talk about this all the time, right?
I love it. Energy meaning when you walk in a room, what does it
feel to be around you? Yeah, right? Are you giving people
space to show up as themselves? Are you bringing positivity or
authenticity into the room? Or on the converse, are you
bringing your tension and your frustration and your
road rage into the room? It's almost like they say that that
thing that you know, you can have this gorgeous, attractive,
perfectly fit teeny tiny woman walking a room and nobody pays
attention to her. And then you have you could have a regular
woman like you know, ourselves as anybody walk in the street,
and they walk in, everybody goes right to them and just is
attracted to them. And the other woman's like, well, what's
going on here? Why? And it's just because of that energy, you
can feel when somebody drains the energy, or somebody is when
you're just attracted to energy. Yeah,
exactly. That's why it's such a huge component in dating. And
what you described when you when someone walks in the room and
like heads turned, they're like, who is that? I want to know her,
I want to go talk to her. That's what magnetic energy is. When
people are just drawn to you, based on the essence that you
carry with you. And the best way to cultivate that magnetic
energy is by living in alignment with yourself, meaning you are
living true to your values, you deeply love and trust yourself.
And you have that self confidence that whatever life
throws your way, you can figure it out. And you take care of
yourself, you feel supported. Those are some of the things to
think about as you cultivate that magnetic energy. Love it. And
oh my gosh, yes. And why I talk about this so much with dating
is because like tracks like meaning energy attracts someone
with similar energy. Oh, okay, think about this on a negative
plane. We all have heard the phrase misery loves company. It
was the one I was going to say to. Exactly. Yes. So we know what
that looks like, right? When someone's deeply unhappy, they
attract more of that more bad situations happening in their
life, more people that also have bad situations happening in
their life, right? So what we're aiming for is when you're
living truly in alignment with yourself, you are shining and
glowing, because you just feel good inside and out because
you're living true to yourself. That then attracts someone who
similarly is living true to themselves. And the way that I
work on this with my dating coaching clients is I have them
think about how they want to feel in a relationship, then
develop those feelings in their life right now. So for example,
let's say you want to feel secure in a relationship, build
that security in yourself, that could be as simple as keeping
your promises and commitments to yourself. So if you say you're
going to go work out after work, go do it. Honor that commitment
to yourself over and over and over again, you're building
security within yourself so you can attract someone who also has
that level of security.
And you're right, I say that a lot and I talk about it a lot in
the show how, you know, date yourself, get to know yourself.
You know, it's not just always about just self care and face
mask. Well, it's nice because it's taking care of yourself, but
actually find out what you like. Find out how you are. Feel,
trust yourself, feel worthy of yourself. First, you know, if
you like to go to a movie, then just go to the movie. You know
what I mean? Like you want to go and buy yourself a nice dinner,
go to a restaurant, you know what I'm saying? Take yourself on
a vacation, you know, those kind of things. It's just kind of
taking care of yourself so that you can attract somebody who not
only may want to take care of you as well, make sure that they
put, they put that effort into themselves as well. And then they
can also put it into you. And they will understand how important
it is that you do that for yourself.
Yes. 100%. Yes. What you're saying is so foundational in
attracting a fabulous relationship. When you can love
yourself and take care of yourself first, then anyone who
comes into your life can see how important that is to you. And
it invites them to step up to the plate to say, this is how I
treat myself. So I expect anybody in my life to treat me as
well as I treat myself.
Love it. And that's how you build up the boundaries. It's
really incredible. So setting boundaries is really important,
right? Like it's one of those things that you have to do. And
the only way to do that is to learn yourself. Because you
don't know what you don't know until you take care of yourself.
And then when someone else comes in, you can say, whoa, I'm
sorry, but I'm not going to accept that. And then at that
point, then they can make the decision and you can make the
decision. Oh, she set the boundary. I'm not going to
cross that boundary again. And if, and if they do, then that's
on you to say, I told you, I made this very clear, and you
make those right decisions for you based on having that clear
communication of what you will and will not accept. Am I kind
of on the right path there?
Yes. That is such a good definition of what it means to
set a boundary is deciding yourself based on what you
will and will not accept based on how your date is showing up.
And think about boundaries in terms of how you engage with
them. So you can set boundaries on a few different
levels. It could be a communication boundary. If
they're not showing up with mutual energy and effort, maybe
you stop communicating with them. Or if they're not showing
up in terms of building a relationship the way that you
want a relationship to feel, then maybe you no longer provide
access to yourself, right? Whether that be no more dates,
right, cutting off communication, boundaries can occur on so
many levels, it can be access to your body, it can be access to
your emotional state. Yeah, even access to finances, right,
like spending money to go out on a date. So you can set
boundaries on a lot of different levels. But what enables
you to do that is what you described, it's knowing yourself
and knowing your own standards of how you want to be treated.
And the body one is big. I've noticed a lot these days. And
maybe this is with the real influx of online dating since
through COVID, right? That people this, I can't believe the
amount of people, especially even around our age and old
or this point that like, I'm just looking to have fun. I get
those things, right? What I don't understand is how a lot of
these people be on access just to a body a lot of the time. I
almost feel like there's no conscious in it anymore. They
will waste your time. Literally, I've had men leave me some of
the craziest messages. I'm like, you don't even know my name. I
had one guy tell me, what do I need to know your last name for?
Why do you need to know my last name? I'm like, you want to
sleep with me. You don't even want me to tell you don't even
want to tell me your last name. I'm supposed to allow you to
cross. You know what I'm saying? So what is it about this
crop? You know, and I speak for women too, because there are
women out there doing it too. It's not just men. But what is it
with this crop? That's the nicest way I could put it that are
just one, they're so damn forward. Two, they have no
filter. And three, they have no interest. And I'm talking even
young, the younger ones too, they just have no interest
anymore in doing anything traditional. You know, what
traditional could be what they consider traditional if it's a
couple that agrees, there's no whatever. I just mean
traditional in the sense of actually wanting to get to know
somebody before, you know, just saying, I want to hop in bed
with you or all the stuff I want to do to you. I'm like, could
you imagine something a stranger that and it's all the
time. Right, right. And I feel like online dating has made that
even more pervasive. And it's gross, like it can be really
gross. So that's what it is. Is it just a generational thing?
Was it just because online dating is just such an easy way to
say screw it? If they say no, I got 72 other options.
Right, right. I wish I could say that I understood why people
do that. And I look at it as, okay, many people are coming into
the dating world, we'll call it as a as a big pool for a million
different reasons. Right, right. I met my husband on Tinder,
which surprised a lot of people because a lot of people think
of Tinder with a different lens. And I say, you know what, there
were as many different reasons to be on Tinder as there are
people on Tinder. And I use that as one of many dating apps
that I was on when I was single. Two of my closest friends met
their husbands on match. I definitely know for a fact it does
work for some. Yes. Yeah. And to me, it was just to be able to
find more people to be able to go on dates with. So let's look
at this from our listeners viewpoint, right? So really,
again, at the end of the day, you're only in control of
yourself, your own reactions, your own behaviors. And if that's
a behavior that shows up from someone else, and that does not
jive with you, do not engage. You don't have to engage with
that unless you feel called to. That's your decision.
Isn't it isn't a wild though that people have more balls than
they ever would have? Nobody would ever. I mean, it's so rare
that someone would go up to you in the soup. And I say rare,
because I'm sure it must have happened, obviously, that someone
would go up to in the supermarket and be like, Oh, do you know
what I would like to do to you? Oh, my God, do it. You wouldn't
have the balls to do it. For some reason, it feels like
online dating gave people more guts than they would ever than
they would ever normally have. It's wild. It really is. Yeah.
And I feel like because so many women have experienced those
kind of unwelcomed messages, people are really burning out on
dating apps these days, not getting the results that they're
looking for. If that's a relationship, they're spending a
lot of time swiping often mindlessly because dating apps
are gamified. It's like a slot machine where you keep swiping
and maybe they send a message or get a match and either there's
no response or very minimal effort from the guys put into our
response, very unlikely to actually pan out into a real
live date. So it feels like return on investment of energy
and time that people are putting into dating apps just
isn't panning out. And so people I'm seeing women pull away
from dating apps and really looking for other ways to meet
people to go on dates. So I've been advocating for finding
singles events in your city. They there's a huge resurgence of
singles events that I feel like you see my Facebook weirdly
enough that you're saying that. Yes, there's a huge resurgence.
And I am hopeful that they feel very different than they did 10
or 15 years ago. Yes, to go to speed dating. That's a crazy
story. Wow. I was 15 years ago. I'm seeing more of these
conscious connection based communities hopping up that are
giving people a space that's not an allowed bar to actually
have conversation and build connections in a more safe
space where maybe you know that someone there is going to be
single.
That's very cool. Like, you know, I think and I mentioned to
you and I've mentioned to my listeners probably about a year
ago, one of my episodes with my friend Jose, and we talked
about how I went on Facebook dating, which I didn't know
existed until I accidentally clicked on the little icon and
it had a profile for me. I was like, is this single or is this
always there for everybody? I wasn't sure. And I said, oh, I've
never done any kind of I wasn't really even looking for
anything. I was curious, right? It was kind of like a social
experiment. And within 24 hours, I was like, I'm done. I
cannot do this. Like I cannot do it. And I was looking at it
with my sister and it becomes very addicting. You're right, it's
gamified. And I'm looking at all these guys and they all kind
of look the same. And I said to my sister, this kind of guys
are kind of my type. What's going on here? And she says, well,
are you liking them? And she goes, well, it's the algorithm.
Well, this guy looks like this. And he's similar to this guy.
And I'm going, oh my god, I didn't even think about the fact
that they're not changing the algorithm to all these, you know,
so I'm sitting there thinking on their side, I must just be one
of a thousand faces that are popping up on their screen that
look exactly the same as well. It blew my mind. And after 24
hours, I was like, I, it was too much. I tried it again, like
a month and a half later, again, out of curiosity to ease my
way in. I haven't looked at it since I closed it off after
25 hours. Again, I was like, this is too much. It's almost
like it becomes an addiction because you're just like, this
is fun, you know, and then you start to get these messages
and you're like, now I can't even, now I don't even know what
to do. You know what I mean at that point. So it's really
crazy. And I like the idea of singles events. Since our
listeners, I mean, look in your areas because I did see on
Facebook stuff pop up. I'm not necessarily looking for
anybody at the moment. So I'm not going to say I'm going to be
at any of them in time soon. However, I have no problem, you
know, accompanying somebody there for, you know, emotional
support. Right? Oh, why not? I don't mind meeting new people.
No. So I need something. We talked about how I was in a
situation ship, right? Really decent guy, beautiful at first.
And then after a while, I'm like, oh yeah, now I know you a
little more. You're just like everybody else, you know, and
cool dude, really nice, good heart, but you know, got his
own stuff going on. And and because of that, we didn't
necessarily graduate into any kind of relationship, which in
a way is good and for us, right? So for people that are not
looking for a situation ship, and we know they're very rampant
these days, right? What would your definition of a
situation ship be? And how do you think it differs from a
traditional relationship? And what are some signs to
realize that you're actually in one? Yes, it was such good
questions because it's a term that's thrown around. So let's
talk about what this actually means. When you meet someone,
you start hanging out, you start doing the things that you
would do in a dating process, right? Likely, and you either
don't have a conversation to align on where would you like
to go? Meaning, do you want to someday be in a committed
relationship? There are a number of reasons why people might go
out and want to date and want to connect. So we never want to
assume that they want the same things as we do. That was my
mistake in dating. I knew that I wanted to be in a committed
relationship and I just assumed, oh, we're we're going on
dates, we're spending lots of time together. The chemistry is
there. It feels like we're really connecting. Oh my gosh, this
must be going some place. Of course, and it's not abnormal.
That's completely with a normal, warm, blooded person would
think, right? Yeah, right. But I was operating under assumption.
That they wanted the same thing that I did and I never stopped
to actually ask. This is why people say communication is the
most important thing in relationships. Agreed. You
assuming does not get you usually what you want. No. Right?
You really have to ask and in a in a nice way, in a safe way
that encourages dialogue and to understand what are they hoping
to get out of this dating process? Because otherwise, I was
building a fantasy in my head that never panned out and then a
month in when I was ready to start, you know, taking it to
the next level and they said, oh, wait, I don't want anything
serious. I'm like, oh, I knew that four weeks ago where I
felt a whole fantasy in my head. Exactly. And you know, I love
the good fantasy. I mean, in every Disney movie, in every
couple that you meet somebody you fall in love, you have your
night in shining armor, you know, and you don't have to be the
damsel in distress, but you get your man, right? Eventually,
you get your man who really ends up being shallow and vapid. If
you look many of those princes, that's just what they were
anyway, right? And I think that's my opinion. A lot of what
happens is situationships too, right? You do. You waste your
time building this person up, building this relationship up,
and then you wonder as well, well, is it because self-esteem
issue, right? Why don't why would you be okay spending that
time with him? We don't want anything with me. What is it
about me that you don't want this with, right? It's never
about you saying the other person just, it's really nothing
on me. And I think that takes a lot of that self-awareness
that you have to learn to date with intention to realize
that it's really not about you. Exactly. Exactly. And so many
women try to convince themselves and they say, if I prove that
I'm worthy of being loved, then he'll love me. Or if I just
show up and I'm good enough, meaning I've bent and shaped
myself to exactly what I think he wants, then he'll date me,
then he'll commit to me. No, that is a recipe for disaster. I
learned that lesson way too many times. And it's heartbreaking
when I look back at that woman and I say, who is that woman
trying to be someone she's not for a man? And then sometimes
you look at who the man was and you go, are you serious? Are
you serious? Like, why? Why? Because we get into that mode
where it's like, it has to be about me. So if somebody's in a
situationship that wants to get out and they feel like
just stuck, I mean, what is your advice for someone who's
like, I actually love them. I'm actually this relationship and
this situation ship and I actually love this person, but
I know I'm never getting anything out of it and I realize
now I can't do this anymore. What would your advice be to
them, to that woman or to that man? Yes. Start by pouring
energy back into yourself. Really like, take the time to
take care of yourself, hone into your own needs. Start
building that self love back up because it's probably been
eroded in a situationship. You're right. And you've probably
muted your own intuitive voice that's telling you what you
need. So start listening to it again and then you can come
back to your situationship from that place of more self
worth and empowerment and say, actually, I deserve more.
Right? I this is what I want in a relationship and this
isn't giving that to me. So I need to cut it off or I need to
set a boundary around it. So there is a lot of courage that
it takes because when we get stuck in these
situationships, especially if it's been going on for months
and months, it can feel like I'm never going to get anything
more than this. You know, if I give this up, oh my gosh, I
have to start from scratch again. I feel that that's
upsetting. It is. Yeah. Really. It really comes back to
choosing yourself because you are worthy of more. You know
that you have more love to give and you want to receive that
back. So it's a reminder for every woman and every man, right?
You deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship with
someone who chooses to be with you everything. Say it again
for the people in the back. Who chooses to be with you. Not
someone you are begging to be with you and stay with you
when they're just doing it because they feel bad or
they're trying to be nice or whatever. Right? Or if you're
giving them the girlfriend treatment without the title
of girlfriend, well, they're enjoying it. They're not going
to cut you off. That's right. They're enjoying every bit of
that side of the bed is mine and she don't have another man
in there because she thinks I'm her man yet I'm doing God knows
what when I speak to her every week, every two weeks, you
know what I'm saying? Oh my goodness. So you have to decide,
you know, what are your boundaries of what do you,
what are you only willing to give to someone if you're in
an exclusive relationship? That's hard too. I've read a lot
of self-help. I love self-help. I love love stuff. I mean, I
read five books at a time. It's ridiculous, but all different
types of genres, right? And I feel a lot and I've talked
about it again as well on my other episodes. I feel that a
lot of times they say the first thing to do and I think I
heard you mention as well is if you're not one getting
something that you want out of it out of somebody, right? You
feel like somebody is just not giving you the attention that
you think you deserve, that you know you deserve, not think
that you know you deserve, that for any reason that you're
just putting in more time than they are. So just pull to pull
back your energy, completely pull back your energy, right?
And you've set it to focus on yourself. So my question is
when do we feel that that's worthy to do that for a person,
right? Like how do we know in your opinion who's worthy of
just pulling back or who's worthy of saying I'm done with
you? Isn't it a game to say I'm going to pull back my energy
and then he's going to go, oh no, she's not paying attention
to me and she's and he's going to come back and then now I
want now we're starting something else and it's like, oh no,
and now he's pulling back again. Doesn't it become like a
weird game of cat and mouse in a way?
Ooh, good question. Good question because I am not someone
who advocates for games. I don't like manipulation in the
dating process at all. So I would say this is about
regrounding in self love and being able to tune into your
own intuition and make decisions based off of that. We
so often have blinders on when we are caught up in that
chemical cocktail of all the neuro treatment. We love it.
Come in that chemistry and so sometimes it's really hard to
take those blinders off. So I think coming back to yourself
tuning in and really sitting with yourself and saying,
is this everything I want in a relationship?
Do I feel truly loved, truly cared for, truly supported,
truly seen, understood and chosen by this person? And if the
answer is no, then that's where you have to have the
courage to say, I know it's scary to cut this off, but it
is so worth it to be able to find someone who will give you
all of that. That's that's what I had to do. I was
single and dating in these situationships well into my
thirties and I finally had to come to terms with myself and
say, this isn't the type of love and relationship that I
want. I know deep in my soul, I want an incredible love in my
life, an incredible partner and I had to like draw a line
like for myself, for the universe.
Yeah, the universe is yes. I energetic up level and say, I
am no longer tolerating any kind of relationship that does
not align with what I truly want, which means I say no to
anybody that is giving situationship vibes that's not
looking for commitment and I'm only available to the people
that want commitment. So of course, then I met my husband
very soon after that because energetically, I was ready
for that. I was right. Person who wanted to be in a
committed relationship. That's right. I think about just
all over a year ago, I would say when I started in that
situation, I had just been coming off of the the breakup of
my of my marriage with the man I thought was the love of my
life, right? So then I was kind of so in my wild oats for a
while and even after that, it was more of a comfort to me,
right? It was that feeling of I need to feel like I'm wanted,
like I'm desirable because this man for so long because of
what he was doing, I felt like I put all his crap on me and I
made it about me, right? Oh, I'm not active enough and all
this kind of stuff. And then I went out and I was like, well,
I'm gonna feel real good about myself and I'm gonna have fun
and I did. When I wasn't looking for this
situation ship, that's when it kind of popped up and that
energy popped up, right? And I would say like the first three
months, it was very like hot and heavy, but there were times at
that point too that I wouldn't speak to him for a while and I
remember thinking to myself and again, I didn't even have the
thought of situations in my head for me who had not dated in a
very, very, very long time before even situations. I had a
title, right? I didn't even realize that might be what it
was and I used to dwell so much on why is he not calling? It's
gotta be me. Oh my god, you know, never once at any point, I
was just falling back into that same rhythm I was in.
Right. Instead of saying, you know what? Let it go. It's
nothing on you. It took me about six months to say hell no.
No. And I know damn well I deserve better than that and I
made that very obvious and I said it. Once I realized I made
that conscious choice to stay in that situation ship
meeting more of a friend when we hang out. We see each other
great if we talk, but now I don't dwell on it anymore. It
doesn't hurt me anymore. Right. You know, I shifted that
energy to the point that I'm like, you do you, I'm gonna do
me and good luck to you. You know that kind of thing. Yeah.
You know, when you're dating and when you're online dating or
dating in general, right? I know for me now what a lot of red
flags are, right? So, in general, what would you consider
immediate red flags and a caveat to that? We know that there's a
lot of narcissists out there. There's a lot of serial
daters. There's a lot of serial baby daddy's looking to knock
up more women. There's all those things out there, right? And
they will put on a show for a while. At that point, you
some people are hooked. So, how would you how does someone
avoid serious red flags and once you see them, how do you
break free of those and and decide what it is you will or
will not accept? Yes. Such such an important thing to
explore. I would say the the very base of it. Are they
respectful to you or not? And if they're not respectful, it's
an immediate goodbye. A great flag. Agreed. Right. And then I
would say, you know, for for some of those more long game
things that you described like a narcissist or love bomb or
things like that. I think I'm gonna say the same thing that
it comes back to that self love because if you have a rock
solid foundation in yourself, right, then it is easier to
say, hey, something might be off here because those type of
daters, someone who's dating like a love bomb or a narcissist
or whatever, they're looking for vulnerabilities to latch
onto. Yes, they are. Yes. And so a vulnerability could be if
you don't feel like you are worthy of full healthy love,
right? Then they'll they can latch on to that and make this
show like they're giving you everything that you need. You
can't get this from anybody else. But really what they what
you want to watch out for is are they trying to distance you
from your own inner truth? Are they trying to distance you
from your friends and family who might be you know, outside
perspectives, right? Check you on what's going on. So think
think about that. Do you feel like you can fully show up as
your amazing unique self and feel empowered to do that? Or do
you feel like you have to bend and shape yourself or shrink
yourself? Drink yourself with this person. If you feel like
you're shrinking and you start noticing you're you're holding
your tongue on things or you're suppressing your needs,
you're not asking for what you want. Those are all things to
watch out for to say maybe or your gut is telling you something
doesn't feel quite right. And I always say gotta listen to
intuition. That intuition we as women and again, I'll say I'll
say for men. I don't really know for men, but I I know for a
fact for women that is a superpower and we just have to
tap into it. And it's not always easy to do that. Take
self-awareness and practice and really listening to that gut
feeling that you know can save people's lives. I mean, let's
be realistic. It can save your life. For our listeners, you
know, if you're not sure what a narcissist is or if you're a
narcissistic abuse relationship, I do have an episode about
that. You can look and you know, check on my on my page and
you can see that there. It's a long episode, but it is truly
worth it because I survived that narcissistic relationship
actually more than once. Please go and check that out because
it's really important. People out there really, I mean, there's
genuine wonderful people out there of course that are in the
same you know situations we are. Sometimes you just want
someone to talk to a companion. There's nothing wrong with
that, but a lot of us sometimes get just completely wrapped up
in in these these situationships that some are
narcissistic. Others are just opportunistic, right? So we have
plenty of scammers out there. Be real careful online. Oh my
gosh. I say always that's just really a really a crazy thing.
It's like some of the stuff on your people that DM you when
you find out they're like in Nigeria somewhere, but they're
they're pretending to be somebody, you know, somebody in the
army. I've had a few since stuff to me and I'm like, yeah,
okay, I've have had to prove to them. I know who you are. So
there's a lot of stuff out there. Please do your your research
and be careful online. I really wanted to put that disclaimer
out there because you know, as many good people as there can
be in as much as you can find the love of your life as you
were blessed to do so. You know, for the one you might find
there could be 25 that are just opportunistic and really
could hurt somebody. I think that's part of the reason we
talk about communication, right? And and red flags because
the only way I feel and again from experience now that I've
gotten past certain parts of my life and I've done a little
bit of the dating here and there. People can only fake nice
for so long, you know, before little bits start to come
through, old habits start to show up that you were like,
that's new and I think it's really interesting that so many
of our experiences and dating or relationships is just does
so much shaping of who we are, you know, and our clarity
sometimes, you know, and I think it's important for women and
for men to really, really learn yourself. It just makes no
other sense otherwise and it's a process. It's painful. I'm
not even going to pretend it's not painful. You know, I still
have moments where I go back and a lot of times it's when I'm
around my exes that all of a sudden I feel myself being
triggered and getting pulled back and I thought about what you
said and that was today actually. We think I was talking to
my to my daughter's father and I just all of a sudden I was in
my twenties again married to this man who was just a mess and I
couldn't stand and I was just trying to escape from and I was
just like, why? Why am I letting you in my energy? Why am I
letting you bother me? I'm the common denominator. That's my
biggest problem. I'm the common denominator. So, it made me go
back and say, well, I know I wasn't the problem. Okay, let's
put it that way because they have documented diagnosed
problems, right? So, that wasn't on me but every single time to
this day that they still gaslight me, they still make me
look like I'm crazy because now I'm getting all excited because
they're triggering me again. See it now. I can see it now and
that to me is the hardest thing about being I think really
being self-aware. Once those rose color glasses come off,
what I just talked about today's episode, when those rose
color glasses come off, I am the poster child for regression.
I really am. I really am because it depends who I'm around. I
sometimes shrink back into this person and I go, oh no, no, no,
no, absolutely not. You know for a fact who you are and I'll be
that person and I think with red flags that's really
important to have is that self-awareness enough to go
to go absolutely not. This does not align with me at all.
Yes and that's why dating in your 30s, your 40s, beyond or
dating after divorce, honestly I feel like can be so much more
empowering because you know yourself better. Because you
know what you're no longer willing to tolerate in a
relationship and you can then open yourself up to
what you do want in a relationship. You have more clarity
hopefully if you've given yourself the gift of that
self-discovery. You can have more clarity going in to really
again be more intentional about what you're looking for in a relationship.
In your opinion, with somebody who's starting over, whether it's
divorce, whether it's a death, God forbid, whether it's just a
breakup in general, a significant breakup, right?
How does someone rebuild their self-esteem? How does someone
rebuild their confidence? Other than, I mean, we know that there are
self-love practices to do that because we know that's number one, right? That
should always be. But even when you're so sunk in the ground,
you're so defeated, you are grieving, you don't know how you're going to move on
with your life without this person. All of a sudden,
they could have been the worst person in the world but all of a sudden now you're
going, maybe they weren't so bad. Maybe they weren't so bad, right? Your
entire identity goes out the window. So for someone who's starting over after
a significant breakup, how do they get themselves back? How do they
find that deep place that all of a sudden they stop crying and they go,
it's okay to miss this person because I miss what I thought we had.
I miss what we did have but now I need to move on.
And it's so important to do that before jumping back into the dating scene.
So what are your opinions on that? Yes, and I love that you use the word
identity because I think when we're in a couple, right, that becomes a part of
our identity. Oh, yes. And so it becomes an effort of reclaiming your identity
as an individual. Let it be fun. Go explore who you are now because you're
different than the last time that you were single.
So, yes. Oh, yes. Like you said, listening to those little nudges of like,
do you want to go to that movie? Okay, treat yourself. Go to the movie even if
it's by yourself. Do you want to go try out that new restaurant in town?
Go try out that new restaurant. Go sit at the bar by yourself and have a solo
date night. It's listening to all those little nudges of allowing
yourself to be like, what would feel really good for me right now? What would
I love to do right now? What do I want to explore? And just following them one by
one by one, it's going to be a process. Yes. Right? Is this not an overnight thing?
Yeah. It's also like fine. So that's, you know,
refinding yourself, but also refinding your support system. Often that might mean
reconnecting with your friends or your family or even finding a new supportive
community that you can explore more of yourself and expand more of yourself.
I'm curious how have you worked through that process in your life?
In the beginning, I was so lost. I was, it had me physically sick. I gained a ton of,
ton of, ton of weight. And I'll tell you what, you get to an age that is a lot harder to get
off. I'm still struggling, but it was, it was, I made myself all about, I thought
that I was about me until I lost that piece of me. And then I realized I'm only about him.
And I was like, how the hell does, how the hell does that happen? And in the beginning,
I was in such denial. In the beginning, I was like, I don't care what was done, what happened.
I'm not giving up on this relationship. I didn't want to get married the second time.
I got convinced to do so. And now I have to fight this through. And I did everything from going
to psychics. I'm a very spiritual person. So all those things to me weren't crazy. I had to remove
him. I literally had to extricate him from my households because of what it was doing to me.
And even then, I was like, I need, I need to know right now, is everything going to be saved?
Is everything going to go back? I did everything. And then one day I'm talking to my friend, Jose.
And he said to me one time, and I'll never forget, he said, do you know the opposite
of love and hate? And I said, what? And he said indifference. He said, as soon as you start to
feel indifferent, when you realize you're giving everything and still getting nothing in return,
that's when the pain starts to subside. Wow. That's when you start to come out of that show and
realize you have to focus on you. He said, when you can think about your ex and it's not that you,
you may not, or may or may not love them still, you may or may not hate them. But when you can
look at them and literally feel just completely nothing like indifferent, not numb because we
know numb is avoidance, right? Just purely indifferent. Like, wow, I don't believe you mattered so much.
Again, take off the rose colored glasses. That's when you can finally say, wow, I need to take
care of myself. And that's exactly what happened with me. And it took me some time. It definitely did.
And now sometimes you ever see those memes that you, you ever see those memes that the woman is like,
or someone says, my goodness, I ever look at your ex, I wonder what the hell I was thinking or
why did this person make me so weak in the knees to begin with, right? Once you get to that point,
to me, that was, that was the catalyst I needed. Him saying that was the catalyst I needed.
It's just the opposite of love and hate is just indifference.
How powerful.
Yeah.
To love that shift and being able to work beyond the grief, because of course there's grief when
you're losing a relationship. And I'm sure you're experiencing a range of emotions, right?
Everything from love and hate to in between.
And that that shift, it's almost a detachment to say like, they no longer control my emotion or my
energy or how I'm showing up in the day. I get to decide that.
Yeah.
It was, it was taking the power back.
Yeah. It was so freeing. And that's something that I loved about it was taking the power back,
saying, I don't need to anymore be about you because that wasn't enough for you either.
Right? Like it didn't matter what I did for you. It didn't matter what I did to myself for you.
It didn't matter that I nearly killed myself to get you help to do the things you needed.
It didn't matter because you still were going to do what you were going to do.
And now you deal with the consequences. I'm not dealing with the consequences anymore.
And you know, of course my situation was very traumatic, very, very traumatic.
I think every breakup shapes you in some type of way. You know, like I know a lot of women
that they've never been married, but they've been in relationship after relationship,
significant relationships. Right.
And it just, it really starts to shape your view of the next relationship. And it's really
interesting. And I'm so happy for you that you were able to find your person because
Thank you. Really not easy out there to do. And I want so much, I think so much we need in this
world, people who just want to give love, want to accept real love. Yeah. And it can really
give themselves happily to somebody so that that person doesn't have to add anything else to them.
They can just be happy with them. I think, and I think that what you're doing for women
is wonderful. I'm going to, I have one more question to ask you because I'm curious about
the starting over for, for people that are again, just trying to start over or in general, just
going out there, whether it could be the first time, you know, what are some serious pitfalls
that someone should look out for or avoid when starting over or when dating or whatever the
case may be? Good question. Well, sort of the process that I lead women through in dating
coaching, of course, starts with that, that foundation of self love, the energy, then the
next piece is healing your past dating patterns. Oh, is right. Just like you're talking about when
you're coming out of these really serious relationships, you're so shaped by those
relationships. Oftentimes, we tend to seek out the same type of relationship. It's
unconscious. We don't even realize that we're doing it. So there really is a need to
take a closer look at why did you attract those type of partners, right? Was it free
relationship is a mirror? It's holding up a mirror to show us something about ourselves.
So now I want to caveat, right? If you're in like an abusive relationship or a narcissist
relationship, please do not take that as it's your fault. That's not the message that I'm
sending here. Agreed. But relationships can hold up a mirror to help illuminate things in
ourselves to help us learn more about ourselves. So it's really important to look back and say,
okay, how was I showing up that that felt like a good match at the time? Yes. And especially
if you tend to date the same guy over and over again, just with different names, I still
do. I love a bad boy. Right? Like digging into those patterns and saying, okay, what is it about
that that I was attracted to? Right? How can I shift away from that and do some healing around
that? If that type of relationship wasn't serving you, right? Copy that. Then how can you show up
differently to attract a different type of relationship or a different dynamic? I think
that's an important pitfall that people tend to get back into the same type of relationship.
Yes. Because it feels familiar. Our brains love familiarity, even if it was bad for us.
This is familiarity, even if it's chaos or whatever, rather than choosing the good. So we
have to consciously choose something better for us. I love that. And you know what? I keep
using the word choose here. And I want to come back to this because when I think about my marriage,
I'm now I'm two and a half years in. So it's still pretty. Oh, you're still newly wed.
Yeah, I still newly wed. But we both look at it as we choose to be in relationship with each other
every single day. And the hope is that we continue to choose for the rest of our lives.
Right. But really, like this is a conscious choice. I never want to be in a position where we're just
running on default or running on auto drive and taking each other for granted. Right. We really
choose to show up in our relationship every single day. So beautiful. The point of that is so when
you're making that conscious choice, nobody feels like they are in a situation they don't want to be.
Right. That shows that you can have that communication when any of you is not happy about
something. All of that is a choice because you're like, this is who I want to be with. Right. People
have choices to do stuff that they shouldn't do that ruin and destroy. And the fact that you and
your husband are so keen on having that communication and choosing to do that. I pray for future
blessings like I really do for you and you know what the form of marriage I really do. Let me,
I realized I did have one more question because again, I speak about this all the time. I live it.
I do live it myself and it takes practice. I know in your practice of helping others,
it says that you use mindfulness and manifestation within your practice. So would you mind giving
listeners just an idea of what that means for you? Yeah, absolutely. So with the mindfulness,
it's actually a lot of what we've talked about here today around tuning into yourself. So I offer
guided meditations to help women tune into themselves and be able to identify how they feel
or identify what they want or need. And I think that's really again at the foundation of dating
from a place of empowerment, mindfulness and self-awareness.
There are for the people in the back. Yes. And then from a manifestation standpoint,
really the whole process is around becoming that energetic match to the partner that you want,
like we talked about. So how are you showing up? What energy are you bringing in? And of course,
healing your past patterns and shifting your identity to open up your system,
like your nervous system to say deserve to be in this type of relationship that you do want,
that that is available to me, that is safe for me rather than choosing familiar chaos or unsafe.
It's rewiring, right? It's rewiring of your brain. If someone can be brainwashed one way,
you can be brainwashed the other and you can easily brainwash yourself into
being a better version of yourself. Why not take the power of that
and turn it on its head, right? Do the opposite of everything you've been doing.
If you're out there and you're doing all this stuff and you're like,
I don't get why I'm not getting anybody good, it's because, okay, look internally first.
Say to yourself, I'm deserving. Pray for your future husband.
Yes.
Pray for the man that you already know is out there. You just have to find each other.
Exactly. Because or your future wife, whatever it may be,
pray for that person because that person could be anywhere. That person could be in the Dollar Tree
and standing at the grocery line with you. Thank you so much. I'm so glad that you were on here.
Can I shout out the earrings? Okay. Lauren came completely prepared with the Prosecco earrings
and I'm jealous because I need a pair. I'm going to go find me a pair. I love them so much and
thank you so much for wearing them and looking lovely. I'm so glad that we're able to have this
conversation. Yes. My Prosecco earrings, I actually wore on my wedding day at our reception because
truly, I am a bubbly Prosecco queen myself and really just love it.
Everybody can be a Prosecco queen. If you're a queen, if you believe in yourself,
if you out there doing badass things, you are a queen. If you're doing nothing but being an
amazing person in the world, you are a queen and we share so much queen energy and we put that energy
out there and I want to wish good luck to everybody in the dating world because I don't
know when or if I'll feel like joining that again. But if there's still breath in my lungs,
I'm sure I'll try again at some point. I would leave that parting words for our guests that
if you want romantic love, go find it. You deserve it. You are worthy of it and it is absolutely
available for you. Sometimes you just need an example of it, an expander, a role model to show
you what's possible. So keep the faith, keep going and you will find the love that you deserve.
And in those wonderful words, ask you where can our listeners reach out to you and I'll also
put it in my show notes so everybody knows but where can they find you, get your services if
they like, read more about you, etc. etc. Yes, you can find me on my website,
laurenfundreast.com and on Instagram at Lauren Fundreist.
Wonderful and that's a wrap on today's episode of Prosecco Queen's podcast.
So to our audience, if you're walking away from this conversation feeling more confident,
more intentional and a little less willing to entertain situationships, then mission accomplished.
Dating isn't just about finding someone, it's about finding yourself first, setting standards
and honor your worth and make sure that every yes you give is one that actually serves you.
A huge thank you to Lauren Fundreist for sharing her wisdom, your energy and all the game changing
tools to help us date with purpose. If today's conversation spoke to you, be sure to check her
out for even more guidance on how to attract the love you truly deserve. And as always,
if you love this episode, don't forget to subscribe, share and leave a review. It helps
keep the Prosecco flowing and the conversations growing. Connect with me on social media and on
YouTube at Prosecco Queen's podcast or at ProseccoQueensPodcast at gmail.com and let's
keep the discussion going. Until next time, keep your standards high, your energy magnetic,
and your glass full. Cheers to loving yourself first and attracting the kind of love that's
worthy of you. See you next time for Prosecco Queen's Fam. Peace out.