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This episode contains references to drugs and alcohol, mental health, graphic content, and adult themes.

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The information provided in this podcast is for general purposes and for awareness,

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and should not be considered professional advice. The views in this episode are explicitly ours alone.

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Furthermore, any references to any products, places, services, or organizations are not

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through endorsement or recommendation unless explicitly stated. We strive to be inclusive and

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candid. And now onto our season 2 premiere of Ride or Die from teens to prosecco queens.

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Hello and happy 2024 to you all of my dear listeners. We are back for a new season and I

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am really excited. In case you don't know who I am or are new to our show, I am your host Teresa,

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the forever dreamer, and this is Ride or Die from teens to prosecco queens. Welcome to all.

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Today's episode is really a cool one for me and a privilege at that because this queen is sitting

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down to have a really interesting and probably surprising discussion with a wonderful friend

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of mine. Someone I've had hours of conversations and laughs with over the past 20 years at least,

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and the first king to grace his podcast with his presence. Please everyone welcome Jose to the show.

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Jose has just recently come back into my life after quite some time and has been a true breath

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of fresh air for me. It's amazing how you can just click with someone and that just remains over time.

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Being in his presence again was like I was chatting him up just yesterday while he fixed my computer.

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Jose is a Gen Xer, a father, a son, a friend, and a brother, and probably the biggest systems

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admin on at least the East Coast. He's a smart ass with a heart of gold and dynamic as hell.

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He's a 10 among men for sure. This conversation is sure to make us laugh, but with his intelligent

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wit will definitely teach you something as well. And we may go off the hinges here and there.

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It is my honor to say what's up to Jose. Please introduce yourself to our listeners,

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even though I talked up the shit about you just now.

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Ah, I don't know if I could trump that introduction. That is glorious. I feel like I'm on the pressure now.

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I certainly don't want to let you down, but as far as the biggest East Coast tech,

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that's probably about right. Six, five, three hundred or something pounds. I think I'm three

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ten now. So, you know, I'm losing weight. Working your way back. I said I'm working my way down.

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I gotta get under 300, but we're working out there. I'm good. Good. I'm shopping at regular people

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clothes now. That's cool stuff. That might make two of us live one day. I just got a sweater at

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Coles not too long ago. That was probably like, whoa, Coles, they got my stuff. It's like, you

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know, that felt like a win. But you know, so here I am. But thank you for the wonderful introduction.

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That was fantastic. Of course. Of course. So originally, back in the summer when Jose and I

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hooked up again, it was because his sister-in-law, one of my best friends and also one of my earlier

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guests on the show, Raquel, had mentioned to me how much internal work he had done on himself

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and how much he had changed mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and that he would be amazing

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to have on the show to discuss mental health in the male community and most importantly in the

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male colored community. And naturally, I was wholly excited and seriously intrigued. I of course was

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not disappointed and my old friend was like version 3.0. We realized that not only do we have some good

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and not so good in common, but there is so much more we can talk about and we are going to.

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From mental health to dating in your 40s to divorces and kids and so much more. This may end

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up a two-parter. Jose, I can't thank you enough for being here with me. It's like one of the many

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convos we always have, except we have to edit way more because you know, we can get quite candid

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and I think there is very little off limits. I want to jump right in if it's cool with you.

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Absolutely. Go for it. All right. So there's a thought that men simply do not express their

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emotions and if they do, they are usually holding back or holding it in or acting out angrily or

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in an explicit way. And we know that there's a spectrum there. So I want to start off by understanding

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from the male perspective how and why there is not only a stigma around mental health

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and men of color. Now, of course, we know that it's not only men of color, but men in general,

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however, for argument's sake, we know it's more under acknowledged and under treated in men of

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color. And of course, as a brown woman, I have my own theories based not just on my experience

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personally, but seeing the trials and tribulations of the men in my family, men I've been married to,

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and relationships in general. So tell me, thinking back to when you were younger, was there an open

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forum to express your feelings in a healthy manner without fear of judgment, ridicule, or dismissal?

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Because most of us were subject to at least two out of three in our childhoods causing us to bottle

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it up and express it in ways that I can say was not very, that I was not very proud of personally.

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So I can say that I often saw that there was never an outlet for men, or especially like young men,

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to really like express their feelings. Your options was if you were lucky, you had a mom that was

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with an old listener you, and I was one of those lucky ones. And even with that, there was some

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limitations because there were certain things that either I didn't want to talk to my mom about,

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of course, right? And other things was that maybe she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about.

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Makes sense. But from an emotional standpoint, my mom was always very supportive of the things

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that I was comfortable speaking of. I happened to be born and raised in the Bronx, and a lot of

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the kids that I saw grew up in single parent homes. And they didn't have the good fortune I had to

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have a mother who was a little bit more empathetic to feelings like that. A lot of, especially around

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my time, a lot of the guys grew up trying to be a little stoic. Yeah, exactly. Right? It was like,

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Oh, shut up, you know, don't cry this and that. Crying was just looked at like, you know, it was

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just not, you know, not good. You don't want to cry. You don't want to show your emotion. You don't

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want to show your weakness. Right. Because it was equated to weakness. Yeah. Exactly. And as a kid,

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that's very easy to, you know, that's very easy to comprehend, right? Like you're crying. Oh,

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you're weak because every guy that you see that's tough doesn't cry. Yeah. You know what I mean?

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Like I remember growing up, growing up and watching men in funerals, not crying. Agreed. You're right.

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Yeah. It's very rare. They weren't crying. Like your father died. Yeah. And you're not crying.

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And I was like, Oh, I'm crying. Am I supposed to cry? Am I not? I've always battled with those,

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with those feelings, right? And so here's what happens. You grow up and you carry this lesson

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throughout your whole life, right? Right. Then you carry that entire lesson in your whole life.

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And you never, as, as you get to adulthood, you never reevaluate that. You never revisit this,

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like thought process, right? And, and, and see if it's working out for you. This is something that

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in general we don't do. That's where you see so much arrested development. You know, a lot of us

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become adults chronologically, but not emotionally. And it's seems like that's almost getting worse.

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Yeah. And a lot of that has to do with, you know, I, you know, everything could be speculative,

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really. Like if I talk to you about certain things, I could say, Oh yeah, social media lends

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it hand in that because social media, you know, social media paints this picture of the highlights

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of your life, right? And everybody's trying to keep up with the highlights of your life. Yes.

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But the day to day is like, it's different for everybody. You know what I'm saying? It's like,

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everybody's going through hard times. Everybody's going, nah, maybe not everybody, but the majority

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of us are going through hard times just like everybody else, right? You know, emotional struggles,

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financial struggles, etc. You know, parenting struggles and things like that. So, you know,

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I think that if you get to a point where you're a little older in your 20s and your 30s, and you

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start reevaluating, like, why do you think about that? You know what I'm saying? Like, why, why do

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you think that crying or just being like emotional is weak? Where did you get this concept from?

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And if you really think about it, like, you're gonna, you're gonna draw an answer and that answer

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is going to be something akin to what when I was seven, that's right. This is what happened. And it's

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like, yeah, does that, does that still work for you? Yeah, because I'm sure it doesn't. Exactly.

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We were and you know, a lot of times we say that's such a male thing, but it was us as females as

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well. We've talked about it on the show before that happens. And I don't know, again, I think

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my kids generation, I think your daughter's generation, you know, they're, what are they,

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gen, what are they? Good. So it would be gen X and then the next one is millennials. Right.

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The gen Z's would be after that. So our kids are Gen Z. And it's really interesting because they're

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now able to be more open, right? They're able to. And I think a lot of that too is because we,

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as an hour generation millennials and Gen Xers, I think that we're a little more cognizant now

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of how we were raised and that it wasn't correct, right? That it's like, they should be able to

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come to us as humans, right? Cause a lot of times as kids, we weren't seen as humans. Yeah, yeah.

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We were just seen as a staple. You're here, we're feeding you, you go into school, you got clothes

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in a home. That's it. Yeah. Right. That's it. And then you grow up believing that until like you said,

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reevaluate. And most of us don't even know to reevaluate because we don't have the tools or the

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mentality to do it. Nobody tells you to do that, right? Exactly. And so that's part of the problem

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is that, you know, it's like, you know, you don't, when you were a kid, your parents were infallible.

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Yeah. Like whatever they were doing, you felt like, oh, this is your parents and your parents know

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everything. And this is who you listen to. And you are, you are given the tools to live and be,

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and be productive by loving parents, at least, you know, if you're lucky, right? Like you got

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some loving parents that are trying to do the best they can. And then you grow up and then you

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realize, oh, my parents didn't have all the answers. Or maybe you don't realize that. Maybe you still

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think that they have all the answers. I know about everything. Right. Of adults who still

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believe that about their parents. Yeah. And so, and so if you grew up in that mindset, then, you know,

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it's, it's hard to challenge that because it's, it goes against all your whole belief system, right?

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Like it's really hard to grow up and have a core belief system and, and, and break that up, break

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that down and realize that, oh, it's been wrong the whole time because it really disrupts your,

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your peace for a bit. Exactly. You know, but you have to be comfortable with that. I saw it's,

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along these lines, it's going to be, it's very, it's actually really funny because it's kind of a

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meme that I read almost. And what I found funny about it was along those lines, but it was, but

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it was funnier. It says something like, back in our day, in the 90s, even the 90s, the 80s,

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if your aunt told you something, for example, like, you know, don't, what do we always say? Oh,

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don't swim, don't swim right after you eat. Whatever it is, whatever the belief is, right,

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that passed down from generations with no basis at all. Whatever it is, if your aunt told you not

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to do that, now there was no Google, there was none of that stuff that you could say, well,

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let me check this. Nobody knew that. You want your entire life believing this, this is ingrained in

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you now. Like, why would you, like, we're like, but in our head, we're thinking, this is an adult,

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she knows what the hell she's talking about. Don't shower when a single, there's this storm,

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my mother told me that my whole life. To this day, I still want this, I'm still scared to shower

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of this lightning. Don't wet your hair before you go to bed. Yes. And so, and then that's on a

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different, that's on a different level, but it's still along the lines of those beliefs that we get

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when we're younger from the older generations that we feel like they got to know what the hell

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they're talking about because the older I look now and I'm at my age and I'm like, damn, so my

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mother at 40, 41, my dad really did know much more than I did. You know what I mean? And maybe,

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and maybe I know a little more because I'm a little more progressive. Yeah. Yeah. In my own

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beliefs and in the work I've done. But when it comes to other, you know, other stuff too, whether

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it be relationships or financial, you know, when you're looking at your parents as a kid, you're

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like, man, what you see is what you think is. Yeah. Yeah. Well, perception is reality. Yeah.

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What you're living, that's your life, right? It doesn't matter about anything else. So,

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for you, it's like this, what's going on in my house is what life is. And there's no, there's

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just, and for me, it was like, oh, I guess this is normal. Whatever's going on is normal. Absolutely.

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You know, so I think now I'm looking at back at this age, I'm like, shit, that was a normal.

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Yeah. And it wasn't happy. But normal. Yeah. And normal can be good or bad. Healthy. Healthy is

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what you're right. Healthy. Yeah. Yeah. Is, is to me, healthy is what I consider normal. Exactly.

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And so that's what should be normal. But sometimes the normalcy is, you know, it could be anything.

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It could be, you know, getting beat every day. Yeah. Right. And it's all about what you normally see.

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Right. Right. It's like some people like, for instance, I like that normalcy is what you normally

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see. Yeah. What you, what you often see, I should say, I don't want to define the word with the,

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with the same word, but you, you know, you get the point. And, and, and that's what it is. Whatever

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you used to becomes normal. Like some people fight the, you know, the, oh, being gay isn't normal.

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But what's not normal, or it's not natural or something to that degree. Right. Well, of course,

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if you don't experience it every day, that's not normal to you. Exactly. But the truth of the

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matter is that as far as being natural, it's absolutely natural. Exactly. We have the animal

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population is about 10% gay. Just like the human population. Just like the human population, right?

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So, you know, like, yeah, it's absolutely natural. Now, if you want to make that argument,

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that it's not natural, it's like, well, now you have nothing to stand on because that's the

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argument, right? Right. But here's the issue that, that you brought up before. It's like,

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oh, we didn't have Google and we didn't have this. Well, we have it now. People still have it.

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People still have these problems. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? It's like, you know, like,

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somebody would say something like, oh, you know, oh, this, this is this way because x, y, z. And

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you could just look it up and find out, no, that's not, that's not correct. And people would buy that.

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People would buy that at face value. Exactly. You know, if I tell you right now, if I tell a story

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about a good story about how George Washington's teeth, George Washington's teeth were made out

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of wood, you would buy a hook line and sinker if I told you that story with enough. Well,

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they told us that exact thing when we were kids. Whatever it is, right? So like, here's a story

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about Christopher Columbus, right? The story about Christopher Columbus that we are taught in school

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is fiction. Yes, it is. It's complete fiction. It's not fiction. Everything about, oh, in 1492,

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Columbus sailed the ocean blue. This is a story from Washington Irving, I believe. And it was like,

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you know, it was, it was all made up. Yep. Right. It was based out of a novel. Yeah. First of all,

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the theory that he was sailing and did and wanted to prove that the world was round

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was completely inaccurate. Yeah. We were hundreds of years already into. Yeah, we already, we already

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figured out that the world was round, you know what I'm saying? And to this day, right, to modern day

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2024, there are droves of people who still believe that the earth is flat. Yes, there are. Yeah.

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Right. And so unbelievable. Right. And no matter what, no matter what you tell them, no matter what,

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you know, what proof you present, anything like that, it's like, no, this is, this is bullshit.

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Your, your conspiracy theory is based on something that where, oh yeah. So NASA is hiding this from

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me. The whole world and NASA is conspiring to hide that to what gain? Thank you. I say that all the

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time. What would be, what would be the reason? The game? Yep. Because if somebody is perpetuating

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this, this, this lie, then there has to be something to be gained. Right. So what is the gain here?

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There is none. There is one. Right. It's just, I don't know. This we build all this technology

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based on all of this physics that we understand. Right. Right. And we can see that every planet

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is round. And we, right. And we understand that it's wrong because it has to be because of

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graph, like a whole, a whole slew of reasons. It has physics, right? Yes. And it's just like,

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okay, cool. So why is ours flat? Like, I don't, like it's a flying saucer. It's a flying saucer.

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I would just like, just a flat, like a pancake. Like, why would it be? Why would it be? And there's

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so many ways to just prove that in a very easy way. And it's like, but, but you don't want to,

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because here's the problem. The problem is people either, either you're grifters and you're trying

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to lie to people, but, but not everybody is that, not everybody is that some people just want to

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believe they want to believe the, the, the opposers. They want to, they want to be the underdogs that

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are right. You know what I'm saying? And I think that that's what it is. And I think the biggest

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problem of all this is that you have to be okay with, you have to be okay. You have to be willing

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to be wrong and okay with it. Yeah. You know, like, I'm not married to my thoughts. I'm not married

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to my ideas. Like if somebody gives me information, that's new information that would disprove or

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otherwise change my belief on something, I'll be glad to take it in and change my mind about it.

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And that's how you should operate. I say that having that open mind is what helps us evolve.

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Right. And that's part of the problem. And I think that's a big part of the issue. So many people

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are unwilling to not just have an open mind, but to evolve, right? Evolve mentally, spiritually,

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emotionally. I mean, it goes on physically, shit, just physically alone, you know, people are so

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against evolving and trying to do better. So they, I think they try to disprove stuff just

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so they don't, they don't have to evolve because comfort is easier. Yeah. Right. Your comfort zone

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is easier. Anything that challenges your comfort zone, there is a huge population of people,

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probably most people, including us at times, obviously, that it, we just are not able to do

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that. I challenge my parents all the time. Yeah. It drives, I know it drives my mom crazy. I just

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had my dad on the floor that I was challenging something. I was like, Oh my God, aren't you

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tired of thinking so like closed minded? Yeah. And he like, threw a fit, which was hysterical,

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but it was not in a bad way. But just in the sense like, he's like, what do you mean? What do you mean?

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And I'm like, dad, you're not listening because that's an older generation. Right. It's the idea

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that they're so ingrained. It's hard to open that door and see otherwise. And even sometimes when

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you physically are proving it, there's still that, Oh, well, I don't know. You know, I don't know.

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I don't know where'd you get that? You can't always trust that either. I'm like, it's fact.

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Like, you know, you there's other ways you can verify things. Right. Yeah. So all of that starts

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from when you're younger. And I think some people are also born and raised to be more inquisitive.

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Well, and others we know or not. Well, that's what got me in trouble in Bible study. You know

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what I'm saying? Like, oh, I could imagine. Oh my God. I was too inquisitive. You know what I'm

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saying? Like when I was growing up and it was like, well, so, but, but because of that, because I

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was inquisitive and because nobody was able to give me like a clear answer, it was always, you know,

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it's like, oh, we don't question the Lord and stuff like that. It was something to that always.

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It's like, that's sort of what threw me off of that path. Like said, eh, you know what, if my idea

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was if your religion can't handle the, you know, the inquiry of a 10 year old, so you've got nothing

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going on here. You know what I'm saying? Like that's what it is. If you can't stand up to the

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scrutiny of a 10 year old, I was like, you got nothing here. And you know, that sounds like me,

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when I was that age and I went to Catholic school, obviously, because you know, that's how

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we ever tell each other. And I used to, you know, for a while it was just ingrained in me. It's just

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what we were. We were indoctrinated. That's what we were. My mom was hardcore Catholic raised and

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we weren't as hardcore Catholic. She was, she pulled away a little bit, but we still were.

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And I used to, I started to say to myself as I got older, like, like I say now I'm more spiritual.

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I'm way more spiritual than I'm religious, right? But I still have my beliefs. I still, you know,

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I still believe in the Lord, the Jesus. I still pray, I have all those things. I still have my

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conversations, right? But on different levels. As I got older, I used to say to myself, well,

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where does science fit in then? And I used to get in trouble for asking those questions. I said,

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like, wait a second though, if there was Adam and Eve, were they living with the dinosaurs?

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Just simple shit like that, right? Like really just basic kid shit. Like you're telling me this

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story, then what, where does this story fit in? Yeah. Right? And there were many times,

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it like, oh, don't worry about it. God has always been God. Okay, that's great. I'm not,

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I'm not even disputing that. Yeah. Explain to me how these can be mutually exclusive. Explain

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that to me. That's all I want. You know what I mean? And so then you're told, like everything else,

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don't ask the questions. Pretty much. Yeah, it's, it's just live with it.

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Blind faith. Yes. This is what it is. And so just live with it. It's a hard pill to swallow,

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but here's the thing, right? That's what religion teaches you. See, what happens is,

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when you have a belief system, right, and it gets challenged, and I, and I start questioning your,

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whatever it is, it doesn't even need to be religious. But if I, if you have a belief system

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that you're sharing with me, then what happens is, and I break that and I give you information that

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disputes that, and it's, it's, you can't dispute it now, because I gave you this information.

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What you do now is you, you have two options. You can either accept that and reevaluate your

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life or your belief system at the very least, right? Or you're going to develop, you're going to

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create some conspiracy theory. Very true. Very true. Because now you have to figure out how to

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dismiss this fact that you just got, right? And work it into your whole, you know, psyche,

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and your whole, your whole belief system, right? And that's what happens with religion, right?

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Like when, when you're, when your belief system is challenged, and it's going to get challenged

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because there's a lot of different religions out there. Of course. You're going to meet people,

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they're going to question you and things like that and whatever. And some people are not necessarily

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mean about it or anything. But, you know, for instance, myself, I'm inquisitive, and I want

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to learn, I want to understand how you think, whatever. So I may ask you questions about it,

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if it's a religion that I'm not familiar with. So when I ask you questions and you don't know how

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to answer it, you kind of stumble on things. And, and, and sometimes that makes you uncomfortable,

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because it's like, how do I, it's my whole belief system. This is what I believe since I was a

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little kid. Yeah. And to let go of that, just like suddenly like that, that's a, that's a,

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that's disruptive. It is. So, so not everybody's going to be comfortable doing that. But I think

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that if we get comfortable to challenge these ideas and become normal, right, that becomes normal.

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And then, right. And then, and then we're, we're, we become in a place where we're a lot more

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self aware. We, you know, listen, I, I understand the need for spirituality, right? This idea that

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like, if I sell you that I'm atheist, right? Like, you know, then, then my belief system is there

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is no belief system. It's we die, nothing happens, right? But that's a hard pill to solve for some

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people. It kind of is for me. It is not right to me. It's like, well, my problems are over

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everything that everything that I could consider a problem. My dad is the same way. Exactly. Yeah.

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Like if I want, when I'm gone, I don't want to die. Right. But I know that nobody gets out of

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here alive. That's right. Right. That's right. And it's going to happen at some point. So,

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you know, I'm comfortable with that idea. And not everybody gets to that part. Yeah. Right.

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Not everybody gets to the part where they're like comfortable with that idea that it's like,

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Hey, I don't want to die a painful death or a slow agonizing, you know, anything like that.

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But I'm okay with the death, right? And anything that happens afterwards is like,

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I'll, you know, I'll deal with it. I'm saying like, it's like, it's not exactly. It's what it is.

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Like whatever it is, it's like, that's for the next time. Like when I get there, I will deal with

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that. And if I got out, whatever it is, if it involves booking a hotel or whatever it is,

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I'm going to take care of it. It's like, I'll worry about it when I get to that side. Yeah. But

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I'm not going to start here. I'm like, I don't feel like I'm going to be here with limited

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information, trying to make plans about what's going to happen later. What if I get it wrong?

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Listen, booking.com doesn't go that far. You don't say it, but it's like, but that's my whole thing.

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It's like, how, you know, like you're going to sit here and talk about there's something like

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5,000 religions across the world or something like that. Right? It's like, you know, you're gambling

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on one here. You got a 5,001 chance like that you got it right. That is so because then that actually

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ties into what we were even saying is to reevaluate. Yeah. Right. So to reevaluate belief systems that

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we've had since we were younger, to reevaluate, reevaluate everything that we were taught and so

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many people don't want, again, just don't even know to do that. I didn't even know to do that

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necessarily. And so you had said it in those words and I was like, not that I didn't do it. I had

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done it. I didn't realize that's what I was doing was reevaluating my thoughts, my beliefs, my,

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and like I said, my internal audit that I had to do in order to feel that I can be a whole person

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again after feeling so much of it was snatched away from me, you know, and and and that that that

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audit I feel has an entire just just does something to your entire being. Yeah. You know, and there

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are some people that are so and again, I'll say a lot of older generations that look at it be like,

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oh, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. You are who you are or whatever. And you see a lot of

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miserable ass people walking around. Yeah, like miserable ass people. Yeah, I got plenty of them

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in my family, you know, like older generations is miserable and they're like, no bitch about it,

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the complaint about it. Okay, well, you still don't have that do something about it. You know what I

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mean? But when you're so ingrained and you're refused to be a little more open about it, and you

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don't want to hear about it, you know, as I was like, so I'm trying to do better for myself. I know

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you've been trying to do better for yourself and for our kids. That's exactly it. That's my motivation.

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Yeah. You know what I mean? I'll ask you a question. I know that you're the hostess here.

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Oh, please ask away. My boundaries. Ask away. I'm going to ask you a question. Yes. What is your

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method of conflict resolution in a, in a relationship? In other words, how did you arrive to your,

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to this concept that you currently employ for conflict resolution in your relationships?

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Well, I realized the one thing lacking in all of my relationships, including the two major ones,

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was effective communication. That was lacking. That was lacking. Yes. Okay. Right. Pure effective

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communication. And when I say that, I mean, me talking to a blank slate constantly, me trying

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to pull shit out of somebody who is, for lack of a better term, obviously mentally ill. And I'm,

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I'm not talking about just one. I apparently, I'm an empath, apparently. And it's like,

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the universe just sends them to me. And when I can't fix them, the universe gets rid of them.

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As apparently I'm a beacon for it. I'm starting this. And that's helping me see a little clearer too.

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Yeah. About, about the way I see the way I handle things, right? So for me, what I'm learning is

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how to try to be more effective in my communication for conflict resolution.

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So great point. But, but here's what I really want to know. Okay. Your original concept for

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conflict resolution, how to have conflict resolution in a relationship. Oh, you made

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from when I was younger. Right. Where did you learn that from? Oh, that's okay. How did you learn

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conflict resolution? There was no conflict resolution. That's my point. The point is,

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what you probably happened to you was you saw your parents fight. Not just them. And you were,

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or whoever it is, you saw your parents fight and maybe a couple of other adult couples. Yes.

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And you employed their tactics as yours. Yeah. And that's how we mostly learn things. No,

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that's exactly in a very passive way. Yes. So what ends up happening is like, here's what happened

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in my family. If you were, if you fought, you had a couple of words, yappy, yappy, yappy, yappy, yappy,

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you go to your corners and somebody and everybody stops talking. That's it. Right. Yeah. Stop talking

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a magnitude and depending on the severity of it, it could be a couple of hours to a few days. Yes.

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Right. Of just tension and then at some point, tension and quiet. Yeah. And then at some point,

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yes, everything gets resolved. Right. But it's a sweeping under the rug. It's a sweeping under the

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rug. That's all that it is. And the way that you know that it's resolved is because suddenly

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they're talking like nothing happened. Yep. Right. Exactly. If there was something that happened in

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the background, we don't know about it. Not when you're a kid. Right. So from your

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perspective, what you've realized is that, oh, you just pretend nothing happened and just start

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talking. Exactly. So guess what happens? Exactly. Two marriages in and that's the tactic I was employing.

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Exactly. If I was mad at you, I yell, I say whatever it is, blah, blah, blah, we kiss and make up at

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some point and act like nothing ever happened. What's interesting about that? Yes, you are

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completely correct. I've talked to my therapist about it. I've said on other episodes, she's

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specifically said to me, can you give me one couple in your life that you would like to emulate? I was

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like, nah, yeah, yeah, no. As I'm older now, I realized those weren't help not one. There was not one

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healthy relationship among me. Yeah. Again, normal, maybe not healthy. Yeah. Right. So yes,

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two major relationships in and it's like, I'm trying to do better for myself. Yet I am with these

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men or men ish who men ish who at this point are also raised with all their families do a sweep

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all the shit under the rug. Old school thinking is a Hispanic men on top of that ish. And there's

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a lot of ego in that. Yes. And it's kind of like, Oh, I'm just used to hearing my dad say what he's

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going to say. My mom said whatever this and slam into the doors and boom. And that's it. So now

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when I'm me, Teresa, when I'm trying to have a conversation with you, and now I'm looking at you

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like there's nothing there. It's like talking to a wall. Now I'm getting pissed. Now here I go

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employing the one thing that I've always seen is the screaming at the screaming at the wall

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expecting the water and see you and all the wall does is sink back into I'm a little boy. Yeah,

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who doesn't understand I have to speak. Right. Like I have to say my piece. I'm a kid again,

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who's listening to the arguing and the best way to resolve the arguing is to not say shit. Yeah,

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right. And that's just a cycle that we perpetuate constantly and we lie to avoid the confrontation.

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Yeah, I have something to tell you that's that's that's you know, we're in a relationship and I

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have something to tell you that I know that's going to upset you. Oftentimes I wouldn't just I just

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wouldn't say it because I don't want the conflict. Right. Exactly. So you right. So then you you shy

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away from having a necessary conversation because you're worried about the repercussions of the

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response. Exactly. And you don't want to deal with that. And so it's it's a it's a two part

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problem. Right. It's you need to your conflict resolution. Right. It all starts with communication

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and communication is like, you know, people say it all the time. It's like, Oh, yeah, yeah.

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Like people say, Oh, yeah, communication. Just talk. Yeah. But it has to be very specific needs to be

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addressed in a way where it's not you versus me. Right. Right. It's you and I versus the problem.

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And I know that's that people have said that many times. This is a quote that people have said and

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everything. But it's there's nothing more true. Yeah. And it's like, we are on the same boat

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paddling in the same direction. The second that we start fighting with each other, it's new. Yeah.

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Seven of saying, yeah, it's like, you know, that that's what it is. It's like, you, you, you know,

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like, we not I mean, listen, I'm not saying that there should never be a fight between a couple

360
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:21,280
there's always going to be an argument or a disagreement. But when that becomes the norm,

361
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:26,000
when that becomes the, the go to de facto standard of your relationship, and it's like,

362
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:31,840
it's just going to be doomed. Yeah. I mean, I agree, especially if you don't have proper conflict

363
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:35,680
resolutions, like you haven't talked about that, you haven't talked about it's like, how do we,

364
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:39,120
you know, how do we disengage when we get too hot? You know what I mean? Like all of these things,

365
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:43,680
you got to have these conversations. And it's like, you know, and know how to be expressive,

366
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:48,320
how you feel and how to validate somebody's feelings and not dismiss them. When you, you know,

367
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:53,200
like, there's a lot of things that you have to take into account to have a successful relationship.

368
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:58,720
That's what everybody wants. Everybody wants the key. We're here for connection. Yeah, exactly.

369
00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:01,920
Right. This idea that we're going to be like, Oh, no, you know, you're going to be like,

370
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:05,840
Oh, I would girls and this and that and whatever. It's like, look, that was fun when you were 18,

371
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:09,280
chasing skirts and, you know, getting your body count up. I get that. You know what I'm saying?

372
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:12,960
Exactly. But you know, at some point, it's like, you know, you grow up and you start realizing,

373
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:18,080
it's like, Oh man, you know, I the good stuff is not that. That's not good stuff. When you have a

374
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:22,400
real good connection with somebody, I'm like, look, I'm dating now, but my purpose is like,

375
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:26,560
I'm trying to fall in love again. Yeah, thank you. Now that doesn't mean that, you know, I'm going to,

376
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:30,320
you know, fall in love with everybody or whatever. I'm like, you know, thirsty for that, whatever

377
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,160
it doesn't happen again, it doesn't happen. It's what it is. But it's like, but that's my objective.

378
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:40,800
You know, I was talking to this person and oh, wait, let me say this person that sounds very open

379
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:46,400
ended a man. Yeah, I got you. Let's not throw that out there. I'm glad you had to clarify that.

380
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:51,120
I was like, let me just clarify just in case. And people don't know you on this platform.

381
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:55,040
That's they do not know yet. And we don't want to throw that out there. Although to be honest,

382
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:59,440
I mean, you know what? I've had enough failures the other way. It doesn't hurt to sometimes try. I

383
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:04,480
guess I guess we'll see, right? They'll welcome you with open arms. I guess we'll see, right?

384
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:09,840
But I remember we would have conversations and it was almost after a while too much for him.

385
00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:13,120
Like he would open up and I was surprised because like why he's like, I've never opened up before,

386
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:17,600
but then he would say things, okay, okay, I think we talked enough. And I'm like, and I'd be taken

387
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:22,480
aback every time. I'm like, yo, we're just having a conversation. Like, like it was like it floored

388
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:26,400
me because I was like, I was like, first of all, that was a little like, hold up, slowly roll.

389
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:31,360
Yeah. Like shit doesn't just get cut when you think it needs to get cut. And you know, me,

390
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:35,840
someone would be like, okay, okay, okay, me. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, why is it you,

391
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:39,040
you telling me, you know what I mean? That that's just enough. I'm like, look,

392
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:42,960
if you're uncomfortable, say it that way. Right? If you're a confidant, listen, you know what,

393
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:47,200
I think let's take a step back. You know, we get a little deep here. I'm a little comfortable,

394
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:52,560
but nobody is taught how to communicate that way. It's just, I'm going to say what I want to say.

395
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:57,680
So what I wanted to ask you, interestingly enough, because I know we went started going to

396
00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,640
relationships and we'll definitely get back there. But a big question I have for you is

397
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:05,280
with only giving as much info as you'd like, you know, it's up to you if you want to be an open

398
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:10,480
book grader, you can be as cryptic as you like. But for you, what do you think the turning point

399
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:16,400
was for you where you just realized you needed help? What you needed to do for you and finally

400
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:21,760
say, listen, like when, like if you were angry or, you know, what was it for you that you said,

401
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:25,760
okay, I'm a man in my 30s and my 40s and some shit ain't working anymore.

402
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:33,440
I'm getting to the point where it's like my second wife telling me that I got to go because

403
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:38,400
I was mistreating her like, you know, not abusively physically or anything like that, but verbally,

404
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:46,080
you know, just not very nice. And then a twofold problem is that and my daughter witnessing me

405
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:52,160
be that person. Yeah. You know, like it was something where it's like, you know, sometimes you

406
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:58,320
start fighting and you start fighting, you know, in proximity of your children and they hear these

407
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:01,600
things and they see how you're behaving and all this stuff. And then what happens is,

408
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:08,000
and then what happens is, you know, at some point, your kid starts, you know, picking a side.

409
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:15,200
Yeah. Right. Yeah, my poor kids. Yeah. Yeah. And they start going, wow, this person's a dick.

410
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:19,200
Yeah. You know, for lack of a better word. No, they're very intelligent. Yeah. Yeah. They don't

411
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:24,240
have to see it. They don't have to say it to see it. They know, they know who's being the aggressor

412
00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:27,680
and all that stuff. Who's being unfair, who's being mean and all that stuff. You know what I'm

413
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:32,400
saying? And it's like, and I, that broke my heart, you know, like just understanding that my daughter

414
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:36,560
seeing me as this like ogre kind of guy, you know what I'm saying? It's like, I never want that.

415
00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:42,160
You know what I mean? Like my whole mantra is be the type of man that, you know, I want my daughter

416
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:46,320
to bring home to me one day to me. You know what I'm saying? Like if I, if I, like that's how you

417
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:50,720
are a role model, you're a role model to your kids, whether you want to be or not. Ladies

418
00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:59,920
and gentlemen, say like that. I simply would say just making this a DC single just saying. Make

419
00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:07,200
me make this like the dating game. Don't get me in trouble like that. I feel you though. Yeah.

420
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:12,160
But that's, but that's it. Right. Like it's, that's my daughter. Right. Like that's my,

421
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:16,960
that's that's who I'm raising to be a productive member of society. If she is, she sees me like

422
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,880
I cannot do that to me.

423
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:19,720
Yeah.

424
00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:20,560
You know what I mean?

425
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:22,400
So, you know, that's what really changed.

426
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:24,180
And I said, I gotta get help in that weather,

427
00:36:24,180 --> 00:36:26,160
you know, therapy, whether that was,

428
00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,120
you know, granted, I was in a very deep,

429
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:29,600
depressive state around that time,

430
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:30,800
like especially during COVID

431
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:32,320
and I'm at home cooped up and everything.

432
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:34,720
And it's just like, I'm not saying that that's an excuse

433
00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:36,600
or a reason for my behavior or what it is.

434
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:38,400
No, but that was also normal.

435
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:39,240
But that was normal.

436
00:36:39,240 --> 00:36:40,080
At the time too.

437
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:40,920
Yeah, that was normal.

438
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:42,600
That felt like this is what we're doing.

439
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:44,640
And you know, there was a lot of ego.

440
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:45,480
Yeah.

441
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:46,560
You know, because that's the thing too, right?

442
00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:48,480
Like you grew up and you start listening to fights

443
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,800
amongst adults, parents, uncles and aunts, right?

444
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:52,520
And there's a lot of like ego in that.

445
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:53,360
Yes.

446
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:55,200
And so sometimes you kind of, you know,

447
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:56,440
you start faking that.

448
00:36:56,440 --> 00:37:00,920
Like you start feeling like, I remember one time I was,

449
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:02,880
a girl said something that I was dating.

450
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,840
I was in high school and she started talking

451
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:06,560
on the phone with me about,

452
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:07,680
actually she didn't start talking to me.

453
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:11,680
She, we were having a conversation and a girlfriend,

454
00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:13,440
like this was when we were using pay phones.

455
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:16,000
So she was calling me from a pay phone outside or whatever.

456
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:19,720
And so I'm in the Bronx and some girl comes around

457
00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:21,520
one of her friends or whatever.

458
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:23,120
And they start talking about this cute guy

459
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:24,800
that they saw at the Bolega or whatever.

460
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:26,440
Now I'm not paying any attention to this.

461
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:28,920
I'm like 15, 16 years old around this time or whatever.

462
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:31,760
And I remember like listening to this.

463
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,520
And then at some point it just clicked to me.

464
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:36,960
It's like, ooh, am I supposed to like fain jealousy here?

465
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,360
I'm not jealous.

466
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:39,880
Oh yeah. So she was one of your girlfriends.

467
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:40,720
I think I missed that.

468
00:37:40,720 --> 00:37:41,560
One of your girlfriends.

469
00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:42,960
Yeah, one of my girlfriends that I was dating in high school.

470
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:43,800
Oh God. Oh yeah.

471
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:44,620
Nothing serious.

472
00:37:44,620 --> 00:37:46,400
Nothing like, you know, we were like romantically involved

473
00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:47,240
through months or whatever.

474
00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:49,040
But we were just talking, things were cool.

475
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:50,680
You know, we were dating.

476
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,800
Puppy love kind of stuff, you know what I mean?

477
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:56,240
And I remember I was like, am I supposed to act jealous here?

478
00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:57,080
I don't know.

479
00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:58,920
Because this is what I typically see dudes do.

480
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:01,280
And I just started like, you know, fainting jealousy.

481
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:03,320
Right? And I was like, yo, are you going to talk to these?

482
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:04,600
Yeah, how you talk to your friends?

483
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,720
You're like in front of me about these guys, whatever.

484
00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:09,120
Like, you know, I didn't even know where to start.

485
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,840
And she just shut it down immediately.

486
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:12,960
She was like, uh-uh.

487
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,400
Like, no, we ain't going to do that.

488
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,800
You're going to be over here telling me what to do or whatever.

489
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,040
I don't even remember conversation.

490
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:21,600
And I realized, man, I fucked up the puss like that.

491
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:24,840
I could have told me like shut up about it.

492
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:25,640
Like, you know what I'm saying?

493
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:26,560
Like, we were close.

494
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:27,920
Yeah.

495
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,320
And so that was, I remember like that was the feeling.

496
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,840
Like, I was like, man, you know, I'm acting like an idiot.

497
00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:34,920
You know, like, I was like, I'm not jealous.

498
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:38,560
And to be honest with you, I've never been jealous.

499
00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:39,680
Like, that's just not a thing.

500
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:41,320
That's a very ego.

501
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,120
That's a very egotistical thing.

502
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:45,520
I'm not, you know, that's just never really been my thing.

503
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:47,840
Like, it's like this idea that it's like, oh, yeah,

504
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:49,800
you slept with other men or whatever.

505
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,240
Like, that never really bothered me.

506
00:38:51,240 --> 00:38:52,080
Like, you know what I'm saying?

507
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,240
It's like, as long as there's honesty in it,

508
00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:56,640
and you're not trying to do anything deceptive

509
00:38:56,640 --> 00:39:00,280
or you're not trying to act liberally, like, do me dirty.

510
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:01,960
Because that's the thing I pay attention to.

511
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,760
I don't pay attention to like what you do.

512
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:05,880
I pay attention to your, you know,

513
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:09,000
I pay attention to what your intention is.

514
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,040
You know what I mean?

515
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:10,880
That makes sense.

516
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:13,280
That's how I'm getting now, now that I'm learning more

517
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:14,320
than how I am now.

518
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:15,960
Yeah, like what's your intention?

519
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:16,800
What's your intention?

520
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:17,640
You understand what I'm saying?

521
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:19,360
It's like, if your intention wants to hurt me,

522
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:22,360
then it's like, cool, it didn't work, but fuck you.

523
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:23,200
Exactly.

524
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:24,040
You see what I'm saying?

525
00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:24,880
Yeah.

526
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:25,720
So that's where I'm at with that.

527
00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:27,360
And I've always kind of been like that.

528
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:29,760
I just, maybe at that, when I was younger,

529
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,120
I wasn't able to quite capture that into words

530
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,760
to like express it.

531
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,320
But, you know, being older now

532
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:36,720
and sort of revisiting all these things

533
00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:38,120
is now like, oh, okay, cool.

534
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:39,160
And that's where you get.

535
00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:42,120
Like you just start understanding where your belief system is.

536
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,040
And I think that everybody's belief system

537
00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:46,240
needs to be kind of reevaluated at some point,

538
00:39:46,240 --> 00:39:47,080
whether that's religion,

539
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:48,600
whether that's relationships or whatever.

540
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:52,040
It's like, reconsider the information that you have,

541
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,880
revisit these things and go about it.

542
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:56,560
Like you might be wrong.

543
00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:58,520
Yeah, we're wrong about a lot.

544
00:39:58,520 --> 00:39:59,880
Practice a little humility.

545
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:00,720
Humility.

546
00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:01,560
Yeah.

547
00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:02,400
I say all the time.

548
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:03,240
Yeah.

549
00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:04,080
It doesn't mean that you don't get to,

550
00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:05,200
it doesn't mean that you're not the best.

551
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:06,040
It doesn't mean that, you know,

552
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:08,080
that you know, they're not good at what you do

553
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:08,920
or any of that.

554
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:11,160
This is just a human evolutionary thing.

555
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:12,880
Like we're supposed to do these things.

556
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,160
You know, I always say, as I get older,

557
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:16,920
I've noticed a few things.

558
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:18,240
People, and I'll say people,

559
00:40:18,240 --> 00:40:21,680
but I don't have a lot of female friends necessarily.

560
00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:23,840
I have more male friends.

561
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,120
I have a lot of female acquaintances,

562
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:26,160
people that I can go and hang out with,

563
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:28,680
talk to, see all the time, whatever, right?

564
00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:31,360
And because I tend to get along

565
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,880
because I'm very open-mouthed.

566
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:37,720
I'm very, I'm not as judgmental as I used to be, right?

567
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:40,440
I've learned that that's, I didn't know that's what I was.

568
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:41,280
Yeah, yeah.

569
00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:42,120
Right?

570
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:42,960
I didn't realize, but I was raised

571
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:46,520
with very judgmental female voices.

572
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:47,600
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

573
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,560
So you learn things that you don't realize

574
00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:51,600
that that was not correct, right?

575
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:52,440
Yeah.

576
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:53,560
So as I've gotten older and told,

577
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:55,840
man, you're not, I don't feel like you're judging me and stuff.

578
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:59,320
Now, I'm sure any ex-husbands might say the opposite, right?

579
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:01,440
But it wasn't necessarily like, oh, it started out like that.

580
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,520
It was kind of like, well, I'm giving you

581
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:04,560
kind of what you're giving me.

582
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:05,400
You know what I mean?

583
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:07,080
It was like, if I'm gonna judge you

584
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:10,200
was cause I'm probably judging the lack, right?

585
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,000
Or whatever the case may be, right?

586
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,040
It could be who the hell knows at this point.

587
00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:16,600
I don't even, I don't think I've evaluated those situations.

588
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,480
I think I more evaluated myself.

589
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:19,320
Yeah.

590
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,480
What I've seen a lot, not just,

591
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,400
and a lot in the older male population

592
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:27,400
is a lot of the times it's just in general

593
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:31,720
not having that role model necessarily to say to,

594
00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:34,640
not just you gotta be a man, meaning straight,

595
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,360
you know, straighten up, stay straight, don't show weakness,

596
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:40,720
you know, provide, that's a whole different type of be a man.

597
00:41:40,720 --> 00:41:42,000
Right, right, yeah, yeah.

598
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,160
It's that other side of be a man.

599
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:48,600
Keeping an open mind, evolving, learning, changing,

600
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:51,320
being there spiritually, emotionally, whatever.

601
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:54,920
And when you can't be, learn how to be, right?

602
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:55,760
Yeah, yeah.

603
00:41:55,760 --> 00:42:00,760
There's just such a deficit, I think, in that.

604
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:03,960
And it makes me, it makes me a little nervous

605
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:05,920
because it's like, these are the generations

606
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:08,600
that are bringing up the younger ones.

607
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,960
And I've seen, obviously I've seen a difference

608
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,360
and a lot of it, Raquel and I had the conversation.

609
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:16,000
A lot of it we think has to do with some of the social media

610
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,440
where you can connect with people on these levels

611
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:19,800
that you weren't able to before.

612
00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:20,640
Yeah.

613
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:22,840
So there's, you can feel like you can be a little more open

614
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:24,120
about who you are, what you are,

615
00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:25,720
they have no prom expressing

616
00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:28,200
and saying who they are very openly.

617
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,240
I don't know who the hell I am, I'm almost 41.

618
00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:31,080
Yeah, yeah.

619
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:31,900
You know what I mean?

620
00:42:31,900 --> 00:42:33,840
Like I had my therapist say to me, who is Teresa?

621
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,840
And I was like, that's no one's ever asked me that before.

622
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:40,400
I always felt maybe I was conforming to other people, right?

623
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:43,720
My entire life, I was what you wanted me to be.

624
00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:48,720
We have this need to please people sometimes.

625
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:49,800
Yeah.

626
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,560
And sometimes it gets to a point where it's unhealthy.

627
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:53,400
For real.

628
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:55,560
And that's codependency and that neediness.

629
00:42:55,560 --> 00:43:00,160
It got to the point that, again, it wasn't so recently

630
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:01,920
that I even learned about codependence.

631
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:04,080
And I was like, oh my God, that makes sense.

632
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:07,800
I got a whole kind of codependence like thing going on.

633
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:10,280
It's like, yeah, it's like sexually speaking.

634
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:11,360
That's a whole nother issue.

635
00:43:11,360 --> 00:43:14,320
Men really become, it's very easy to become codependent

636
00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:15,440
and not even realize it.

637
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:16,280
Yes.

638
00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:17,120
Right?

639
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,520
So I'll tell you a story about sexuality.

640
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:20,360
Okay.

641
00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:22,920
For a long time, sex to me was like,

642
00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:27,000
how I was able to keep my thoughts bottled in, right?

643
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:28,080
You wouldn't be alone in that.

644
00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:29,000
Everything, right.

645
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:31,880
Everything that I've ever wanted to express

646
00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:33,560
and everything that was bothering me,

647
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:35,640
sex was the vehicle that allowed me

648
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:37,240
to shut that down for a while.

649
00:43:37,240 --> 00:43:38,080
Makes sense.

650
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:38,920
Yeah.

651
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:39,760
That was the way that I was able to.

652
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:40,880
It was an addiction.

653
00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:41,720
Yeah.

654
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:42,720
But here's the thing, right?

655
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:45,920
It happens in a way that you are completely unaware.

656
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:47,040
But I mean, so do drugs.

657
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:49,520
You could be completely under control

658
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:50,920
with heroin one day.

659
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:51,960
And then the next thing you know,

660
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,320
you're leaning in the street and falling in a ditch

661
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:55,960
and you don't know how you got there.

662
00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:56,800
Exactly.

663
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:57,720
Everything happens the same way.

664
00:43:57,720 --> 00:43:58,560
Exactly.

665
00:43:58,560 --> 00:43:59,800
You're slow and then the next thing you know,

666
00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:01,120
you're completely codependent.

667
00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:02,680
And then you can't even,

668
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:06,120
and then even then the regular high is the same

669
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:07,320
and it just escalates.

670
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:08,880
So, but here's how it works out.

671
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:11,640
Here's how it at least manifested for me, right?

672
00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:14,120
It was like, okay, so I'm having sex.

673
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,080
And you know, as long as I'm having sex

674
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,520
and it's good sex and everything's great, cool.

675
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:19,360
Everything's cool.

676
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:20,200
There's no fights.

677
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:21,040
There's nothing going on.

678
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:21,880
Life is good.

679
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:22,720
It's beautiful.

680
00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:23,560
Boom, boom, boom.

681
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:24,400
We're going, I'm going to work.

682
00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:26,280
You know, like, oh, and I can't wait to come back home

683
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:27,560
to you and beautiful, right?

684
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:28,400
Right.

685
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,640
And every time that there's a problem,

686
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:32,360
sex would, you know, sweep down the rug.

687
00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:33,200
Sweeping into the rug.

688
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:34,040
You know what I mean?

689
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:35,440
It's a recurring theme, isn't it?

690
00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:36,280
It really is.

691
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:37,120
It is.

692
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:38,680
So now what happens?

693
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:41,080
Things start to get a little busy.

694
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:43,760
We start focusing on careers.

695
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:46,720
You're married, kids, whatever it is,

696
00:44:46,720 --> 00:44:51,720
whatever impediment to more sex gets in the way.

697
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:53,360
And that attachment.

698
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:54,440
Now it's not, yeah.

699
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:58,000
Now it's not every day or twice a day.

700
00:44:58,000 --> 00:44:59,920
Like it starts off like, oh, it's every time.

701
00:44:59,920 --> 00:45:00,760
It does.

702
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:01,600
It starts off a lot.

703
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:02,440
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

704
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:03,280
You start off like two days.

705
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:04,120
Yes.

706
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:04,960
Like, oh, yeah, no doubt.

707
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:05,800
You know what I'm saying?

708
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:06,640
On the weekends, it's crazy, right?

709
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:08,600
Like you're going hungry and shit and stupid.

710
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:09,440
So yeah, yeah.

711
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:11,760
Like, yeah.

712
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:13,240
But you're like, you're powering through

713
00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:14,440
and you're like, you're doing what you can.

714
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:15,840
And after a while, it's like, all right,

715
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:17,480
you know, every day is kind of crazy, right?

716
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:19,120
And you start like, trimming it down, you know?

717
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:22,200
It starts to go to like five a week, four a week,

718
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,560
three a week, and then eventually you get to this point

719
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:26,560
where like, you don't know how you got there,

720
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:28,840
but it's like once a week.

721
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:30,960
And it's like, man, you look forward to that Saturday.

722
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:33,240
And maybe that's good enough for you, right?

723
00:45:33,240 --> 00:45:35,840
But if it gets below that, you have a threshold,

724
00:45:35,840 --> 00:45:39,040
whatever your threshold is, if it gets below that,

725
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,120
you're grouchy now.

726
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:43,040
And everything sets you the fuck off.

727
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:45,200
And everything is starting to leak out.

728
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:46,040
Exactly.

729
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:48,080
Yeah, your idling, it's 80 right now.

730
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:49,360
You're saying you're like, whatever.

731
00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:52,600
So like whatever it is, you know, you just bomb

732
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:55,480
a flat tire or whatever it is,

733
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:57,800
just setting you right off, fight this shit.

734
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:58,640
You know what I'm saying?

735
00:45:58,640 --> 00:45:59,640
And you come home and you're taking it out

736
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:01,760
on people that you love and everything is whatever.

737
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,480
And you don't even realize that that's what it is.

738
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:06,360
It's like being angry, right?

739
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:07,360
Yeah, exactly.

740
00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:10,360
Yeah, so you start reacting in a way

741
00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:13,240
where it's just like irrational and things like that.

742
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:15,960
And I mean, it wasn't until two marriages failing

743
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:19,320
that I started realizing, oh, I developed a coping mechanism.

744
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:20,880
Yes, exactly.

745
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:22,080
And that was it for me.

746
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:23,480
And I didn't know that.

747
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:24,800
Exactly.

748
00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:25,760
That's scary shit.

749
00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:28,600
It is scary because you realize, because you realize

750
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:30,560
this is exactly how people get hooked to drugs.

751
00:46:30,560 --> 00:46:30,880
That's it.

752
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,800
I was just going to say, alcohol and alcoholism too.

753
00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:35,280
That's exactly what it is.

754
00:46:35,280 --> 00:46:35,960
That's what it is.

755
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:38,720
So now all of a sudden you are, you're having sex

756
00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:42,120
not for the connection, but for the suppression.

757
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:42,760
That's it.

758
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:43,440
Yeah.

759
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:45,160
And so that's the tricky part, right?

760
00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:48,080
Like that's the thing where it's like, OK, you decided

761
00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:50,760
that instead of actually processing all of these emotions

762
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:53,280
that you've had and talking it out and really like,

763
00:46:53,280 --> 00:46:55,800
you were just sweeping it around and that doesn't go away.

764
00:46:55,800 --> 00:47:00,400
That's kind of a good segue too, because that I feel.

765
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:03,120
And again, correct me if I'm wrong in your opinion,

766
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:07,880
but that's not solely a male thing, obviously.

767
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:08,400
Yeah, no, absolutely not.

768
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:11,160
But it is a huge male thing, right?

769
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:13,480
And I don't mean codependency because that is a human.

770
00:47:13,480 --> 00:47:13,840
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

771
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:14,800
That's human nature.

772
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:15,680
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

773
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:16,800
Human nature completely.

774
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:19,480
You know, I'm codependent when I realized my trauma was

775
00:47:19,480 --> 00:47:20,840
making me codependent.

776
00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:21,160
Yeah.

777
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:23,480
My life trauma was making me codependent, right?

778
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:24,880
I didn't realize that.

779
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:27,600
And both of my marriages, and actually the first one

780
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:28,440
of the two were very young.

781
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,160
We were just, that shouldn't have been in general.

782
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:34,280
But we had our daughter, so it was supposed to be, right?

783
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:38,960
But the second one was a trauma bond on both sides.

784
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:39,560
Yeah.

785
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:40,080
Right?

786
00:47:40,080 --> 00:47:41,560
I didn't know his codependencies.

787
00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:44,800
I didn't know any of his stuff, right?

788
00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:46,320
He didn't know that.

789
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:46,640
You know?

790
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:49,720
So then as you are progressing in a relationship

791
00:47:49,720 --> 00:47:52,640
and you do not have the tools, or let me rephrase this,

792
00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:56,520
even going to couples therapy, when there's one who is

793
00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:59,400
accepting and trying to evolve and change,

794
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:04,320
and the other refuses to admit there's an issue.

795
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:07,480
Now you have a head to head, even more of a head to head

796
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:09,520
issue than you had before, right?

797
00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:13,160
So and now you're not only trauma bonded,

798
00:48:13,160 --> 00:48:16,640
you're codependent, you don't know how to let go.

799
00:48:16,640 --> 00:48:18,720
One is out acting the hell out.

800
00:48:18,720 --> 00:48:22,840
And the other is traumatized PTSD, is what I'm saying?

801
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:27,040
And again, it wasn't until recently that I even

802
00:48:27,040 --> 00:48:31,480
realized that codependency is a form of a drug.

803
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:31,960
Absolutely.

804
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:32,360
Right?

805
00:48:32,360 --> 00:48:34,840
Yes, it's a mental, I'm not going to say mental illness,

806
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,720
quote unquote, it is a mental deficiency.

807
00:48:37,720 --> 00:48:39,600
Because we don't realize that it happens.

808
00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:40,600
It happens so often.

809
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:44,680
Only a healthy person can finally say, holy crap,

810
00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:46,600
I can see that in myself.

811
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:48,320
And then you can start to see it in others.

812
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:48,720
Yeah.

813
00:48:48,720 --> 00:48:51,360
And that's kind of hard as well.

814
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:55,360
And for men, what I want to ask you is for men,

815
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,480
and again, we'll say men of color,

816
00:48:57,480 --> 00:48:59,000
because you can speak for men of color.

817
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:01,080
You're a light man of color, but you are men of color.

818
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:02,880
I present white, but yes, I am definitely a man of color.

819
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:04,600
I present white too.

820
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:05,920
I say our blood is brown.

821
00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:06,480
We're good.

822
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:07,280
We're very light.

823
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:09,280
As soon as I have to hand over that license,

824
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,440
and it says Jose, yeah, it gets real.

825
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:12,440
I say the same thing.

826
00:49:12,440 --> 00:49:13,920
You see my resume, it sees my name,

827
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:15,120
it doesn't matter what I look like.

828
00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:15,400
Right?

829
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:16,000
It's just that.

830
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:17,400
It gets put to the bottom of the pile.

831
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:20,640
And Raquel, we're talking about that too.

832
00:49:20,640 --> 00:49:23,080
It's being then a colored man who already

833
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:26,000
has enough deficiencies in general,

834
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:29,120
just your name alone, as we were just stating.

835
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:33,280
How is it, or why is it that, and again,

836
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:34,520
maybe it's because of upbringing,

837
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:37,640
but why is it that men of color, one,

838
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:42,520
are so reluctant to admit there's problems there?

839
00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:48,200
And why are they not able to reach out, or to admit,

840
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:51,000
or want to reach out to get the help that they need?

841
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:54,000
Now, we know again, we know that white males,

842
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:59,560
of course, they have more, we have more ancestral trauma,

843
00:49:59,560 --> 00:50:01,400
right, colored folks, black and brown,

844
00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:02,880
we have more ancestral trauma.

845
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:04,160
So that's passed down, right?

846
00:50:04,160 --> 00:50:06,480
That's passed down.

847
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:09,600
Not as many white people have that, right?

848
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:13,080
But they have things like the major mental illnesses,

849
00:50:13,080 --> 00:50:14,080
not just depression.

850
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:18,080
Like they have the real flip of the switch,

851
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:20,000
different ones, right, than we have.

852
00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:21,840
So what do you think?

853
00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:25,200
What do you think is the deficiency there?

854
00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:26,720
I think it's just learned behavior.

855
00:50:26,720 --> 00:50:28,720
And I don't think it's exclusive to Hispanics,

856
00:50:28,720 --> 00:50:31,880
obviously, or black folks or anybody.

857
00:50:31,880 --> 00:50:35,080
But what happens is, if anybody ever talks about Hispanic men

858
00:50:35,080 --> 00:50:39,560
to you, they usually talk about all the bravado,

859
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:42,440
or they say machismo, but machismo.

860
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:43,440
That kind of stuff.

861
00:50:43,440 --> 00:50:44,920
And it's like, yeah.

862
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:46,320
And even if you, you know what I mean,

863
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:50,920
and it's not necessarily frowned upon in certain aspects,

864
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,320
but sometimes it does become a little toxic, as they say.

865
00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,520
Oh, it's purely toxic, yes.

866
00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:57,760
And I hate that term, like toxic masculinity,

867
00:50:57,760 --> 00:51:01,720
because masculinity in and of itself is not toxic,

868
00:51:01,720 --> 00:51:03,280
but there are toxic traits.

869
00:51:03,280 --> 00:51:04,040
Yes, yes.

870
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:06,120
There are things that you do that are toxic,

871
00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:08,000
so I don't want to just throw the whole masculinity.

872
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:12,960
I'm happy to be a man, and I'm happy to represent manhood

873
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:15,520
in the way that I can.

874
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:20,000
The ego that we learn, that we develop as Hispanic men,

875
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:22,320
or as men of color, as you state,

876
00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:25,320
is, I think, part of the issue.

877
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:27,560
Because it's all the learned behavior.

878
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:29,480
You see the same men.

879
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:32,360
And when you grow up as a kid and you see these men,

880
00:51:32,360 --> 00:51:34,280
your objective is to mimic.

881
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:35,400
You know what I mean?

882
00:51:35,400 --> 00:51:39,040
If you didn't grow up with good men in your life,

883
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:41,400
then the problem compounds.

884
00:51:41,400 --> 00:51:42,400
Exactly, exactly.

885
00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:44,840
I was fortunate enough to see, see,

886
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:46,000
here's the thing that's really funny,

887
00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:47,480
and I'll tell you the story.

888
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:49,840
I was fortunate enough to see good and bad,

889
00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:52,960
meaning that there are a lot of men of substance

890
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:57,560
in my family and around, and even friends and things

891
00:51:57,560 --> 00:51:58,040
like that.

892
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:02,160
So I was fortunate enough to see good quality men who were

893
00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:06,560
always even keel, very measured in the way they speak,

894
00:52:06,560 --> 00:52:09,600
very, you never see them upset.

895
00:52:09,600 --> 00:52:11,480
You're not necessarily see them cry,

896
00:52:11,480 --> 00:52:13,880
but you never see them lose their shit.

897
00:52:13,880 --> 00:52:14,840
Oh, OK, yeah.

898
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,520
Yeah, I have a bunch of them in mind, too.

899
00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:16,840
Right.

900
00:52:16,840 --> 00:52:17,400
Yes.

901
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:21,000
So as I grew up, that didn't look fun, right?

902
00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:24,120
You look at these men kind of like, eh, you know,

903
00:52:24,120 --> 00:52:25,560
I don't want to be that guy.

904
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:26,880
I don't want to be like this guy.

905
00:52:26,880 --> 00:52:28,360
Whoever it is, whether it's your dad,

906
00:52:28,360 --> 00:52:29,560
whether it's an uncle, or whatever,

907
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:31,560
you want to be the guy with the bravado.

908
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:33,120
You want to be the guy.

909
00:52:33,120 --> 00:52:35,280
You want to be the guy that's the sweet talker,

910
00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:38,000
that's the sharp tongue, that's the, you know,

911
00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:40,280
he ain't taking no shit, because that's

912
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:42,000
what your ego craves.

913
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:43,960
You know it's like that for females, too.

914
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:44,800
Yes, you're right.

915
00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:45,360
Yeah, and you're right.

916
00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:46,840
So here's the thing, like women always say,

917
00:52:46,840 --> 00:52:47,920
it's like, oh, I want a nice guy.

918
00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:49,000
You don't want a nice guy.

919
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:51,560
What you want is the bad guy to be nice to you.

920
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:52,880
That's come on, my God.

921
00:52:52,880 --> 00:52:53,760
Yes, you're right.

922
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:54,240
Yeah.

923
00:52:54,240 --> 00:52:54,960
That's exactly it.

924
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:56,800
So I never want to be the nice guy.

925
00:52:56,800 --> 00:52:58,560
I want to be a good guy.

926
00:52:58,560 --> 00:52:59,280
Yeah.

927
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:00,440
That's what I want to be.

928
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:02,160
I want to make sure that you understand

929
00:53:02,160 --> 00:53:05,960
that there's no fucking with me in any capacity, not verbally,

930
00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:08,440
not physically, I am unfuckable with.

931
00:53:08,440 --> 00:53:09,800
You understand what I'm saying?

932
00:53:09,800 --> 00:53:11,200
So from that perspective.

933
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:12,480
That's what tattoo you should get.

934
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:14,240
Yay.

935
00:53:14,240 --> 00:53:16,000
So from that perspective, it's like,

936
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:18,760
I need to have that certainty about myself.

937
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:20,000
You understand what I'm saying?

938
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,920
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health

939
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:24,880
Services Administration, or also known as SAMHSA,

940
00:53:24,880 --> 00:53:28,400
apparently, service cost or lack of insurance coverage

941
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:30,920
was the most frequently cited reason for not using

942
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:35,040
mental health services across all racial and ethnic groups.

943
00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:37,680
Unfortunately, we know that that's a huge problem.

944
00:53:37,680 --> 00:53:40,720
So it's not even just my cheese mo on top of everything else.

945
00:53:40,720 --> 00:53:46,640
It's lack of resources, lack of education, lack of want to.

946
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:50,960
Because one thing I have noticed with men around your age,

947
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:53,840
specifically, because unfortunately, that's my dating

948
00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:55,520
pool now, I've noticed.

949
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:56,400
Congratulations.

950
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:57,480
I know, right?

951
00:53:57,480 --> 00:54:01,400
Lord Jesus help me, is they're extremely self-aware.

952
00:54:01,400 --> 00:54:03,400
A lot of them are extremely self-aware,

953
00:54:03,400 --> 00:54:06,040
but have the lack of will and the lack of want.

954
00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:09,440
Yeah, I have noticed that in a few cases.

955
00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:11,120
I have noticed that with women too.

956
00:54:11,120 --> 00:54:13,640
Oh, I'm not saying women are devoid of this.

957
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:14,440
No, no, no.

958
00:54:14,440 --> 00:54:18,080
I'm just laying out my perspective too.

959
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:22,120
It's that same idea that we touched on before,

960
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,600
where it's like, when you go to therapy,

961
00:54:24,600 --> 00:54:27,760
you know that the outcome is going to be that you may hear

962
00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:29,360
something that you don't want to hear.

963
00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:30,200
Amen.

964
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:35,320
And being wrong, it's not palatable for a lot of people.

965
00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:39,480
So this is why I say it's so important to put your ego aside

966
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:40,400
for a second.

967
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:43,600
Someone said to me, I won't obviously say who,

968
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:46,920
but someone said to me, I am scared to change,

969
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:50,760
because I don't think people will like me if I'm a new person.

970
00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:53,360
Regardless of the fact that people aren't really

971
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:56,440
a fan of this person, the way they are now,

972
00:54:56,440 --> 00:54:57,920
but they're so scared to change.

973
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:00,360
And I keep saying it's not about changing.

974
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:01,960
It's about improving.

975
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:05,080
It's about just opening your mind and saying, OK,

976
00:55:05,080 --> 00:55:06,320
I could be better.

977
00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:08,040
And we all could be better.

978
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:09,160
We all could do better.

979
00:55:09,160 --> 00:55:11,080
We all could treat others better.

980
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:14,840
I was like, why live in a mental misery when you can just

981
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:17,000
adjust your way of thinking?

982
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:21,160
The truth is though that it's like, I'm 46 now.

983
00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:23,680
Through the course of my life, I've lost a lot of friends.

984
00:55:23,680 --> 00:55:24,760
Not the death or anything.

985
00:55:24,760 --> 00:55:26,840
Yeah, I just mean I've outgrown a lot of friends.

986
00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:27,840
Yeah, agreed.

987
00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:33,640
You're going to lose friends when you focus on your career.

988
00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:35,160
Because that's what happens.

989
00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:38,320
Oh, you get out of high school, you start working, whatever.

990
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:40,080
You have your second childhood in your 20s.

991
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:42,120
Now you've got a little money, you start partying and all

992
00:55:42,120 --> 00:55:43,200
this stuff.

993
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:47,040
And then at some point, you might need somebody.

994
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:48,520
And things start to get serious.

995
00:55:48,520 --> 00:55:50,320
And now you're considering marrying somebody,

996
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,960
maybe kids, whatever it is.

997
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:55,440
And now it's like, well, at least that was my thing.

998
00:55:55,440 --> 00:55:56,480
OK, I met somebody.

999
00:55:56,480 --> 00:55:58,600
It's like, I want to get serious about my career,

1000
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:00,160
because she's serious about her career.

1001
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:05,160
And I don't want to fall behind and not be that dude.

1002
00:56:05,160 --> 00:56:07,640
And I always had this thing where it's like,

1003
00:56:07,640 --> 00:56:10,160
I got to make sure I don't want to be broke.

1004
00:56:10,160 --> 00:56:11,840
I don't want to be this bum ass dude.

1005
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:12,640
You know what I'm saying?

1006
00:56:12,640 --> 00:56:13,320
That was my thing.

1007
00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:18,520
So I had to figure out how to get something going for myself.

1008
00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:21,000
And I realized, and at that point, I've already been working

1009
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:22,360
for years.

1010
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:24,080
And I knew that it's like, what I was doing

1011
00:56:24,080 --> 00:56:25,480
wasn't working for me.

1012
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:27,720
So I had to come to the conclusion

1013
00:56:27,720 --> 00:56:29,200
that I needed to find something to do.

1014
00:56:29,200 --> 00:56:31,920
I came to the conclusion that I needed to find something to do.

1015
00:56:31,920 --> 00:56:35,040
And when I started evaluating all my options,

1016
00:56:35,040 --> 00:56:38,800
I think that what I arrived to was a crossroad where I said,

1017
00:56:38,800 --> 00:56:41,480
I'm either going to be a chef or I'm going to be an IT.

1018
00:56:41,480 --> 00:56:43,280
We had that conversation a long time ago.

1019
00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:44,240
I remember that now.

1020
00:56:44,240 --> 00:56:45,480
Wow, yeah.

1021
00:56:45,480 --> 00:56:50,480
And so the deciding factor was that I was fat

1022
00:56:50,480 --> 00:56:53,200
and I hated the heat.

1023
00:56:53,200 --> 00:56:55,440
Right?

1024
00:56:55,440 --> 00:56:56,760
I love cooking.

1025
00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:58,680
But being in the summer in a hot kitchen,

1026
00:56:58,680 --> 00:57:00,120
that sounded like hell to me.

1027
00:57:00,120 --> 00:57:01,600
It sounds like hell to me.

1028
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:03,480
Like all day, 12 hours, whatever.

1029
00:57:03,480 --> 00:57:05,800
Like even if I was an executive chef, it's like, no, I'm good,

1030
00:57:05,800 --> 00:57:06,560
bro.

1031
00:57:06,560 --> 00:57:07,640
That's not where I want to be.

1032
00:57:07,640 --> 00:57:10,120
So IT was it for me.

1033
00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:11,720
And then I found out bonuses.

1034
00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:13,200
Like, you can go to a data center.

1035
00:57:13,200 --> 00:57:14,360
It's cold as shit.

1036
00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:15,320
Yes, it is.

1037
00:57:15,320 --> 00:57:16,840
I've been in a data center.

1038
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:17,840
Yes.

1039
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:19,520
It is frigid in there.

1040
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:22,160
That was just tickling me pink.

1041
00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:23,720
I love it.

1042
00:57:23,720 --> 00:57:26,080
And so I made a career choice for myself

1043
00:57:26,080 --> 00:57:27,560
that I was happy with.

1044
00:57:27,560 --> 00:57:32,840
I was even when I hustled even at night.

1045
00:57:32,840 --> 00:57:33,840
I found my own clients.

1046
00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:35,880
I started getting my own thing going on.

1047
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:39,160
It's like, so there was 12, 16 hour days on a regular basis.

1048
00:57:39,160 --> 00:57:42,000
And I was just killing it because I liked what I was doing.

1049
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:44,360
Anyway, the point of that story was to tell you

1050
00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:46,640
that I lost friends because I grew them.

1051
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:48,920
They wanted to stay in one place.

1052
00:57:48,920 --> 00:57:51,000
And I had to keep going.

1053
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:52,920
It's like this ladder that people are saying,

1054
00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:55,240
the ladder of life that everybody's trying to climb.

1055
00:57:55,240 --> 00:57:56,000
Exactly.

1056
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:57,160
We're all trying to climb.

1057
00:57:57,160 --> 00:58:00,600
And every once in a while, you're a good person.

1058
00:58:00,600 --> 00:58:02,560
And you throw a hand down.

1059
00:58:02,560 --> 00:58:03,480
Hey, hold onto my hand.

1060
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:04,360
I'll help you up.

1061
00:58:04,360 --> 00:58:05,200
But here's the thing.

1062
00:58:05,200 --> 00:58:07,320
I'm not coming back down to get you.

1063
00:58:07,320 --> 00:58:09,160
That's an excellent way of putting it.

1064
00:58:09,160 --> 00:58:09,880
You see what I'm saying?

1065
00:58:09,880 --> 00:58:11,160
You have to meet me up here.

1066
00:58:11,160 --> 00:58:13,000
I'm going to throw my hand down.

1067
00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:14,560
Reach up and I got you.

1068
00:58:14,560 --> 00:58:16,160
And there's been a lot of times in my life

1069
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,600
where it's like I've been in that situation.

1070
00:58:18,600 --> 00:58:21,680
And it was like, no, I'm not doing this.

1071
00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:25,360
From my experience, it's been kind of the opposite.

1072
00:58:25,360 --> 00:58:28,440
I've never necessarily needed someone to say I got you.

1073
00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:31,960
But I've never had anybody offer the I got you.

1074
00:58:31,960 --> 00:58:35,160
And sometimes you end up chasing that.

1075
00:58:35,160 --> 00:58:35,760
Inevitably.

1076
00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:36,640
Inevitably.

1077
00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:39,520
A whole different kind of perspective, right?

1078
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:42,040
So it's like, yeah, I mean, I will help anybody.

1079
00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:44,600
I'll give the shirt off my back.

1080
00:58:44,600 --> 00:58:45,440
Always have been.

1081
00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:46,680
I'm like, come up.

1082
00:58:46,680 --> 00:58:48,760
I will help you to my level.

1083
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:49,800
Let's do this together.

1084
00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:51,120
I'm cool with doing stuff together.

1085
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:51,560
But you're right.

1086
00:58:51,560 --> 00:58:53,200
I'm not going to go backwards, especially

1087
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:57,920
if I've made this much progress going forward.

1088
00:58:57,920 --> 00:59:00,480
The problem is, though, every once in a while,

1089
00:59:00,480 --> 00:59:02,720
it is nice to hear someone say I got you.

1090
00:59:02,720 --> 00:59:03,560
Absolutely.

1091
00:59:03,560 --> 00:59:07,400
Well, that's the whole takes the village kind of thing.

1092
00:59:07,400 --> 00:59:10,080
To this day, I still.

1093
00:59:10,080 --> 00:59:12,440
And I almost feel like, and this is something

1094
00:59:12,440 --> 00:59:15,080
I work through myself because it's not needed.

1095
00:59:15,080 --> 00:59:18,080
It's still a want of mine.

1096
00:59:18,080 --> 00:59:19,680
And it doesn't necessarily have to be a friend.

1097
00:59:19,680 --> 00:59:22,600
It could be in a relationship at some point where someone says,

1098
00:59:22,600 --> 00:59:24,440
for once, let me get you.

1099
00:59:24,440 --> 00:59:24,840
Yeah, yeah.

1100
00:59:24,840 --> 00:59:25,080
Sit down.

1101
00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:25,440
Right?

1102
00:59:25,440 --> 00:59:25,840
Yeah, yeah.

1103
00:59:25,840 --> 00:59:25,920
Take a break.

1104
00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:26,420
Relax.

1105
00:59:26,420 --> 00:59:28,000
Let me get you, right?

1106
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:32,000
Because I feel that talking with your latter analogy

1107
00:59:32,000 --> 00:59:35,360
is realistically, we should be going up together.

1108
00:59:35,360 --> 00:59:36,040
Yeah, yeah.

1109
00:59:36,040 --> 00:59:36,400
Right?

1110
00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:37,120
Yeah, yeah.

1111
00:59:37,120 --> 00:59:38,880
Every once in a while, I'll throw my hands down.

1112
00:59:38,880 --> 00:59:40,800
And you throw your hands down.

1113
00:59:40,800 --> 00:59:42,560
We'll have to throw each other over each other.

1114
00:59:42,560 --> 00:59:43,760
Fine, right?

1115
00:59:43,760 --> 00:59:45,280
If we're going to make it double wide,

1116
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:47,760
and both of us to go up at the same time, that's great too.

1117
00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:48,760
You know what I mean?

1118
00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:51,320
We'll do it soon next to each other, whatever it is.

1119
00:59:51,320 --> 00:59:54,160
And I think so in that respect, it's

1120
00:59:54,160 --> 00:59:56,560
always great to be able to tell other people I got you.

1121
00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:58,160
But every once in a while, that's exhausting.

1122
00:59:58,160 --> 00:59:59,800
And every once in a while, it's like,

1123
00:59:59,800 --> 01:00:01,840
when is someone going to say I got you?

1124
01:00:01,840 --> 01:00:05,400
And even though I have progressed in my journey,

1125
01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:08,520
in my mental health journey, in my emotional,

1126
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:11,840
spiritual journey, even though I forget to the point

1127
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:14,000
that I'm like, I don't really need that shit,

1128
01:00:14,000 --> 01:00:16,680
sometimes it's just human nature to want it.

1129
01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:18,160
Well, I got news for you.

1130
01:00:18,160 --> 01:00:19,440
Men have that need too.

1131
01:00:19,440 --> 01:00:19,940
OK.

1132
01:00:19,940 --> 01:00:22,400
And not necessarily monetarily or anything else,

1133
01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:25,680
but it's like, it's one of the love languages,

1134
01:00:25,680 --> 01:00:26,680
they say, acts of service.

1135
01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:27,680
It's acts of service.

1136
01:00:27,680 --> 01:00:28,180
Yeah.

1137
01:00:28,180 --> 01:00:28,840
You know what I'm saying?

1138
01:00:28,840 --> 01:00:32,440
And so what happens is that it's nice to be taken care of.

1139
01:00:32,440 --> 01:00:34,600
It's nice to know that there's somebody who's looking out

1140
01:00:34,600 --> 01:00:36,960
for you, and their generosity is displayed.

1141
01:00:36,960 --> 01:00:39,360
When you're a man, specifically, and I'm

1142
01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:41,160
talking about from my perspective, when you're a man

1143
01:00:41,160 --> 01:00:45,840
and you're expected to provide, and by provide,

1144
01:00:45,840 --> 01:00:48,600
it's financially, I'm providing security.

1145
01:00:48,600 --> 01:00:52,000
I'm providing wisdom to you.

1146
01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:53,920
These are the things that I'm providing.

1147
01:00:53,920 --> 01:00:59,280
And all that stuff encompasses a security for you.

1148
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:04,280
This is what makes you feel like provided for and cared for.

1149
01:01:04,280 --> 01:01:08,960
And it gives you that ease of everything's going to be OK.

1150
01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:14,920
Because I got this very capable man who, if I fuck up,

1151
01:01:14,920 --> 01:01:15,920
it's going to be OK.

1152
01:01:15,920 --> 01:01:16,920
It's going to be OK.

1153
01:01:16,920 --> 01:01:17,440
Right?

1154
01:01:17,440 --> 01:01:18,800
Like, it's the safety net I did.

1155
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:19,300
Yeah.

1156
01:01:19,300 --> 01:01:20,280
You know what I'm saying?

1157
01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:22,480
And so what happens is men generally

1158
01:01:22,480 --> 01:01:23,800
don't feel they have that.

1159
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:26,160
So there's a stress that comes with that to say,

1160
01:01:26,160 --> 01:01:29,160
if I fuck up the bag, all is lost.

1161
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:29,760
Yeah.

1162
01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:30,520
I could see that.

1163
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:33,480
And so that comes with some emotional baggage.

1164
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:33,980
Baggage.

1165
01:01:33,980 --> 01:01:34,480
Yeah.

1166
01:01:34,480 --> 01:01:35,360
You know what I'm saying?

1167
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:35,960
Yeah.

1168
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:36,460
Yeah.

1169
01:01:36,460 --> 01:01:40,320
And so now it's like, even when I try to date,

1170
01:01:40,320 --> 01:01:44,160
it's like, there are a couple of things that I'm looking for.

1171
01:01:44,160 --> 01:01:46,640
And one of those is, I need to have a woman who's

1172
01:01:46,640 --> 01:01:48,240
intelligent for starters.

1173
01:01:48,240 --> 01:01:50,360
Because number one, most of the things that we're

1174
01:01:50,360 --> 01:01:51,960
going to be doing is talking.

1175
01:01:51,960 --> 01:01:53,040
So you should.

1176
01:01:53,040 --> 01:01:54,200
Which should be, of course.

1177
01:01:54,200 --> 01:01:54,440
Yeah.

1178
01:01:54,440 --> 01:01:55,600
We're going to talk a lot.

1179
01:01:55,600 --> 01:01:56,440
So you know what I'm saying?

1180
01:01:56,440 --> 01:01:58,000
If we're going to have a healthy relationship,

1181
01:01:58,000 --> 01:01:59,200
we want to communicate well.

1182
01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:01,680
And I don't want to have to break everything down

1183
01:02:01,680 --> 01:02:03,960
to a third grade level because you're having problems

1184
01:02:03,960 --> 01:02:04,480
keeping up.

1185
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:05,400
You know what I'm saying?

1186
01:02:05,400 --> 01:02:06,560
So that's number one.

1187
01:02:06,560 --> 01:02:07,920
Read a book.

1188
01:02:07,920 --> 01:02:08,960
Just read a book.

1189
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:11,960
And when you have an intelligent woman,

1190
01:02:11,960 --> 01:02:13,560
she's going to challenge you.

1191
01:02:13,560 --> 01:02:14,560
She's going to challenge you.

1192
01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:16,080
She's going to question you right.

1193
01:02:16,080 --> 01:02:17,080
She's going to challenge you.

1194
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:18,880
She's going to question you.

1195
01:02:18,880 --> 01:02:20,640
You're both going to be beneficiaries

1196
01:02:20,640 --> 01:02:22,720
of that constant discussion.

1197
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:23,220
Right.

1198
01:02:23,220 --> 01:02:23,720
You know what I mean?

1199
01:02:23,720 --> 01:02:24,720
It's like, OK, cool.

1200
01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:28,160
Because if she's career oriented and she's goal driven,

1201
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:28,800
you know what I mean?

1202
01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:29,640
It's like, OK, cool.

1203
01:02:29,640 --> 01:02:32,400
Like, you know, men tend to match energy.

1204
01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:33,600
That's exactly correct.

1205
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:34,720
I've been learning that too.

1206
01:02:34,720 --> 01:02:35,760
Because here's the thing, right?

1207
01:02:35,760 --> 01:02:39,240
Like, as a man, here's part of where your ego is healthy.

1208
01:02:39,240 --> 01:02:39,740
Right?

1209
01:02:39,740 --> 01:02:42,920
It's like, here's where I like to let my ego get the best of me.

1210
01:02:42,920 --> 01:02:46,440
It's like, if you are killing it at work and all that stuff,

1211
01:02:46,440 --> 01:02:50,200
it's like, I don't want to be that dude that's not, you know,

1212
01:02:50,200 --> 01:02:54,000
where my wife is going, yo, what's up, bro?

1213
01:02:54,000 --> 01:02:54,960
You know what I'm saying?

1214
01:02:54,960 --> 01:02:56,440
You ain't killing it no more.

1215
01:02:56,440 --> 01:02:57,080
What's happening?

1216
01:02:57,080 --> 01:02:57,600
Yeah.

1217
01:02:57,600 --> 01:02:58,000
Right?

1218
01:02:58,000 --> 01:02:59,240
And so I don't want to do that.

1219
01:02:59,240 --> 01:03:00,960
No, if I, you know, I'm doing OK.

1220
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:01,960
I'm good, you know what I'm saying?

1221
01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:03,160
So I'm not worried about that.

1222
01:03:03,160 --> 01:03:07,240
But what I'm saying is, like, I have a need to make sure

1223
01:03:07,240 --> 01:03:09,560
that I'm keeping up, that I'm pulling my weight.

1224
01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:10,200
Right.

1225
01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:10,640
That makes sense.

1226
01:03:10,640 --> 01:03:13,120
Now, if you get to a point where you're making $250,000

1227
01:03:13,120 --> 01:03:15,360
or more or whatever like that, like, you know what I mean?

1228
01:03:15,360 --> 01:03:17,400
And it's like, and I'm only making like $180,000?

1229
01:03:17,400 --> 01:03:18,280
Only $180,000, huh?

1230
01:03:18,280 --> 01:03:18,960
What I'm saying?

1231
01:03:18,960 --> 01:03:20,560
It's like, you know, I'm good.

1232
01:03:20,560 --> 01:03:22,320
It's like, hey, look, it is what it is.

1233
01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:22,920
You know what I'm saying?

1234
01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:25,200
It's like, I don't have any problems with that.

1235
01:03:25,200 --> 01:03:29,160
Even if you're making $1 million a year and I'm pulling in $180,000,

1236
01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:29,600
I don't care.

1237
01:03:29,600 --> 01:03:33,000
Like, I'm doing what I set out to do.

1238
01:03:33,000 --> 01:03:34,360
I got my goal.

1239
01:03:34,360 --> 01:03:35,000
Exactly.

1240
01:03:35,000 --> 01:03:35,560
You see what I'm saying?

1241
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:38,000
So like, if you get to that point where it's like, OK, cool,

1242
01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:39,360
that doesn't bother me anymore.

1243
01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:42,680
However, now I got to find ways to make sure

1244
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,720
that I'm supporting you in the sense that, like, hey,

1245
01:03:45,720 --> 01:03:47,840
you know, it might make more sense for me

1246
01:03:47,840 --> 01:03:49,840
to be a little bit more supportive and quit my job

1247
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:51,760
to make sure that you're making, because you're making

1248
01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:54,400
substantially more money than me, to some degree.

1249
01:03:54,400 --> 01:03:57,360
So like, you know, that's where that applies.

1250
01:03:57,360 --> 01:04:00,280
It's like, for me, it's like, I'm always going to let that ego,

1251
01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:03,240
you know, try to make me a better person for me and for you.

1252
01:04:03,240 --> 01:04:05,760
As opposed to making that ego destroy you.

1253
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:06,240
Exactly.

1254
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:07,240
As opposed to being like.

1255
01:04:07,240 --> 01:04:10,000
As we know that is the popular way to handle it.

1256
01:04:10,000 --> 01:04:10,200
Yeah.

1257
01:04:10,200 --> 01:04:13,760
The ego should, your ego shouldn't be convincing you

1258
01:04:13,760 --> 01:04:16,000
that you need to stop her progress.

1259
01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:16,840
That's exactly.

1260
01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:19,600
That's what I call, you know what I call it, the anti-ego.

1261
01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:20,200
Yeah.

1262
01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:20,480
Yeah.

1263
01:04:20,480 --> 01:04:22,520
It's like, you're hurting both of you.

1264
01:04:22,520 --> 01:04:23,240
Yeah.

1265
01:04:23,240 --> 01:04:27,440
So I think this is, we're going to stop here,

1266
01:04:27,440 --> 01:04:29,200
because we have so much more conversation.

1267
01:04:29,200 --> 01:04:32,240
And I think this is a good segue into dating in our 40s.

1268
01:04:32,240 --> 01:04:34,200
Let's do it.

1269
01:04:34,200 --> 01:04:37,280
Not necessarily each other, just so everybody's aware.

1270
01:04:37,280 --> 01:04:38,320
But we're just friends, guys.

1271
01:04:38,320 --> 01:04:39,320
We're just friends, guys.

1272
01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:40,000
Jesus.

1273
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:41,760
But I do love him, because I do.

1274
01:04:41,760 --> 01:04:43,280
He's a really good, really good friend of mine.

1275
01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:43,520
And we have.

1276
01:04:43,520 --> 01:04:44,280
She's pretty cute too.

1277
01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:45,400
But you know, still, it's just cute.

1278
01:04:45,400 --> 01:04:47,000
You can't really tell, but I'll take it.

1279
01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:47,880
I gotcha.

1280
01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:49,280
I'll take it.

1281
01:04:49,280 --> 01:04:50,440
We're going to have a part two.

1282
01:04:50,440 --> 01:04:53,760
And yeah, thanks for listening, and we'll be back.

1283
01:04:53,760 --> 01:04:54,920
Sounds good.

1284
01:04:54,920 --> 01:04:58,440
Thank you all so much for listening to this first episode

1285
01:04:58,440 --> 01:05:00,360
of the new season.

1286
01:05:00,360 --> 01:05:02,560
Don't forget to come back in February

1287
01:05:02,560 --> 01:05:06,840
for part two of this thrilling and wonderfully enticing

1288
01:05:06,840 --> 01:05:10,080
episode discussion with Jose, where we're going to laugh

1289
01:05:10,080 --> 01:05:11,520
and have a lot of fun.

1290
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:16,320
Don't forget to hit me up on PersecoQueensPodcast.gmail.com.

1291
01:05:16,320 --> 01:05:19,920
Also on IG at PersecoQueensPodcast,

1292
01:05:19,920 --> 01:05:23,080
we are also on YouTube at PersecoQueensPodcast,

1293
01:05:23,080 --> 01:05:25,640
where you can listen to our episodes also.

1294
01:05:25,640 --> 01:05:51,440
Looking forward to this new year and all its new possibilities.

1295
01:05:51,440 --> 01:06:04,620
[? And we'll be back, all and all.?]