It's what's the buttons? What's the buttons time?
There was no World of Warcraft announcement of
that shit Xbox Direct yesterday. It was an awful
Direct, wasn't it? Yeah, it was terrible. I wandered
off most of the time. Did you watch all of the
Fable stuff? Yes. That was probably the most
exciting aspects. As I said this morning, I was
whelmed. What the... Because obviously I watched
the live stream from the beginning to end, and
I thought that it was going to be a long... xbox
direct and then it's stupid now because obviously
they had the pictures of game freak and fucking
playground and they only had four so in hindsight
it's like well yeah they were just announcing
four games there could have been four good games
though yeah it was i mean the pottery one looks
shit but at the same time looks intriguing because
i just want to make a knob So if you're wondering
what I'm talking about is, let me, because I
can't even remember the name of it. Xbox Direct
2026. Let's have a look. So Forza was the first
thing that was not announced, because it weren't
announced, was it? May 19th, Forza Horizon 6.
It looks pretty cool, but I'm not massively into...
racing games and stuff it's set in japan which
is cool um you can do car meets and things like
that again it's cool but fours is not it's not
my bread and butter so gloss over that I didn't
like the engine sounds either everyone always
makes a big song and dance and says how hyper
realistic they make the cars sound and everything
and I never ever think they do because they just
don't sound how I feel like they should sound
I imagine if you sat there and you had headphones
on you probably would probably hit fail possibly
the one that I'm talking about is Kiln which
is we joined Double Fine in their game turned
ceramics studio in San Francisco California Basically,
it is a... You make pottery. Great. And then
whatever pottery you make, you then send them
into an arena and then they grow arms and legs
and beat the shit out of each other. Well, that
part sounds funny. So you can make... A knob.
Yeah, pretty much. Well, I'd imagine you can't,
but that's what I would like to do. Double Fine's
new foray into fun asks the question, what would
it look like for a game to combine the beautiful
expression of creation with all of the chaotic
fun of destruction? Turns out it's a team -based
arena battle game which asks you to craft ceramic
battle armour on a realistic pottery wheel and
where your abilities are determined by the kind
of pot you make. We took a turn on the clay -splatted
wheel to learn all about the 4v4 action of Kiln,
the wide variety of crafting tools at your disposal.
and what each size and shape of crafted pot means
for your combat abilities. So yeah, you make
a pot, you go and beat the shit out of another
pot, rinse and repeat. Unique, fun little game.
I can't imagine the loop on it is fantastic.
And then you had Beast of Reincarnation. launching
summer 2026 which is um from game freak uh and
then which is the frustrating thing isn't it
game freak yeah make pokemon look like that yeah
why are you not making pokemon games a little
like that yeah i mean fair enough for them going
down a different route i mean it's not the first
time they've done that but obviously their bread
and butter is pokemon games um so launching this
summer and available day one with xbox game blah
blah beast of reincarnation promises an unforgettable
blend of action strategy and mystery game freak
gave us more details on emma and her companion
coo Ku's adventure in a haunting post -apocalyptic
Japan. We learn that Emma has been afflicted
by blight, which has removed her memories and
emotions, but given her the ability to manipulate
plants and led her to meet Ku, a dog that's become
a malefact. Malefact? Malefact? Emma's role is
to hunt down malefacts, but she forms an unusual
bond with Ku, setting off... setting her off
on a journey through japan circa 4026 ad game
freak calls beasts of reincarnation a one person
one dog action rpg they've created a unique combat
system to match emma provides classic fast -paced
action game game attacks in real time but ku
offers added skills that can be used from a menu
that slow that slows time more like a turn -based
RPG. It makes for a game that offers a very different
feeling to other action titles, adding tactical
complexity to high -speed combat, which can be
tweaked to your liking with free difficulty settings.
I'm not bothered by it. Nope. I'm not interested
in it at all. It looks cool, but at the same
time, I was like, I'm not... I don't know. Maybe
it just didn't feel like it had enough depth
to it. I'm... on the fence with it and i don't
really know why because it it looked cool i don't
get it i don't get it but also it's not coming
to playstation so it's of no problem to me because
i won't be playing it anyway but the big one
was fable Fable. Fable. Would you like me to
read out the description thing? Oh, sure. Let
me hear the bollocks. The Fable team at Playground
Games took us to the fairytale world of Albion
for the first in -depth look at the studio's
brand new open -world action RPG and revealed
that the game will be coming to players in autumn
2026, developed by a dedicated team at the UK
-based studio. Fable is set to deliver everything
players love about the original trilogy. choice
and consequence dry british wit and playful moral
chaos all reimagined for a new generation of
players in an unmistakably playground way during
the show we learned how your story in albion
begins how character customization will work
Yeah. Great. Have you played the Fables before?
No, I haven't. I've never touched them. So I
don't... I've got nothing to go by. I thought
it looked pretty cool. Yeah. Well... The character
creator's dead. Why? Well, because you can't
create a fucking character. You create preset
faces. So there's no character creator. So you
can't do that for stars. Shite. One of the biggest
things in Fable... used to be the morality system
so when you used to make so you started off as
a kid and you grew up all that stuff's in it
it's very cool but the morality system was the
big one because if you make good choices your
character changed appearance whether you was
good or bad so if you're bad you like got like
yellow or red eyes and shit and you grow horns
and all that sort of stuff and if you're good
you become more angelic and stuff that's not
in there so that's Shit. That's just... I don't
know, man. I'm hopeful, but I look at that and
I think, well, number one, it looked like it
was running at like four frames a second when
I was on the horse. And number two, I'm too burnt
by games to just think... All I saw was little
clips. I saw like generic fucking NPCs that say...
you know, you walk past them and they go, you
look great. And they're like, NPCs react to you.
And I'm just like, that's not, I don't want to
walk past everyone and they just shout a random
blurb at me. That's not, that's not immersive
to me. And that seemed pretty fucking hollow.
And then when they were like fighting, it was
always like one enemy on the screen in a really
like dark area or something. You couldn't really
see. And it was just like jabbing. It did look
slow. Yeah. And, and, I need to see more. It
has the potential to be fucking incredible, but
I'm underwhelmed or whelmed because I think it's
going to be shit. And I hope it's not. Yeah,
you need to see more in -depth gameplay for...
The combat was a weird one because the combat
looked good. It looked solid, but it just looked
so slow. And then the scene where they're fighting
the... The chicken... Constantly kicking chickens.
I don't even know what it was called. The chicken
that can breathe fire with the weird snake tail
thingy. When you were fighting that, it just
looked like it was in a really dead area. But
an area that obviously wasn't trying to be empty
and underwhelming. But it just looked like it
was. Difficult to explain. It almost feels like
it gave the impression that you're a small being
in a giant world, so therefore everything's massive
but somewhat empty. That's what it kind of looked
like. Like you say, with any of the combat interactions,
there was one or two enemies, or if there was
multiple, more than two, three or four, you weren't
attacking them all at the same time. in the areas
that you were actually fighting in the trailer.
There wasn't really anything going on. I thought
it was a bit of a bad spoiler with the Richard
Aody thing. That was a massive shitty spoiler.
I was fuming with that. I did think I was like,
that's a bit mad because obviously when we saw
the Fable trailer and Richard Aody is the face
of it and you think, fuck, that's sick. He's
such a cool guy. How much of a... how pinnacle
is it going to be to this game? Because obviously
you didn't see anything but a trailer. There
was no gameplay. There was nothing. So you left
people speculating and then it was fucking like
however many years on. But then to sit there
and say, like, did they even give a spoiler warning
or anything? I don't think they did. I think
they just said that basically you get to choose
at the end of his quest line whether he lives
or dies. And then... proceeded to say that your
choices can have massive impacts on the world
that are permanent for the rest of your game
and then proceed to tell us that we can kill
Richard AOD and then he just lays there dead
on a field or a grass knoll forever for the rest
of the game and it impacts your house prices.
I'm like, well, I'd rather you didn't... Say
that. I'd rather you didn't show me that and
showed me something else. If you're going to
spoil something, do it with something shitty
that might not be impactful to the game whatsoever.
But for me, that's a cool detail and a cool draw
point for me and many others to that game. So
to then tell me that at the end of the quest
line with him, you can either kill him or keep
him alive. tells me already half the quest line
tells me that shit goes down so from the minute
they told you everything they said he is a giant
he accidentally made himself a giant so you have
the chance to help him not be a giant or kill
him so he gave you the quest line it was as simple
as that and that will be exactly what happens
the minute you start that quest line it will
be the first thing in your head you'll go how
does this lead to me wanting to kill him you
can look at it two ways you can think well they
must have some good shit up their sleeve if they're
willing to spoil that because there must be some
much better stuff choice and consequence and
you can look at it and go well it's very cool
that he lays there on that hill and it's kind
of I like the scale of it because he's massive
on that hill you go past him all the time and
he's just laying on that hill But I just don't
understand why you would... Like, that's the
cool thing for reviewers to reveal. That probably
gets you a point in a lot of reviewers. Oh, he
lays on that hill for the rest of the game. So
they must have some more stuff up their sleeve.
Based on discussions following the Fable 2026
trailer reveal, the inclusion of what appeared
to be a plot spoiler, specifically... showing
a potential villain or a major narrative twist,
was likely a deliberate marketing choice to signal
that choices and consequences, a core theme of
the series, will play a major role in this reboot.
Highlighting the antagonist, the trailer features
Richard Aody as a character who initially appears
to be a narrator, but is later revealed to be
a threatening antagonist. interpretations suggest
the spoiler character is meant to represent the
dark path of the player character, reinforcing
that the game focuses on the morality system
where players choose between good and evil. As
a reboot by a new team, the trailer aims to show
that the new game has the same bonkers witty
humour as the original rather than just showing
a generic fantasy world. But you could have done
that without dropping something like that. You
could have easily shown off the consequences,
the morality system, without killing whoever
one thought was the narrator. It just seems like
a really weird... It just seems odd. Obviously,
I haven't ever played Fable. But even I watched
that trailer and thought, why the fuck have you
just included that? Why have you just included
that? It's just... I don't know, man. I want
to be impressed. I want that to come out and
be a fucking 10 out of 10. I'm not wanting it
to fail by any means because if that comes out
and is a success, I'll be all over it because
it's exactly what I like. I love fantasy games.
That's my jam. I'm leaning back into sci -fi
a little bit. Maybe just a little bit. I'm not
there yet. But, you know, that's my jam. So I
want it to come out and be fucking fantastic
because any sort of fantasy game like that, I'm
all over. I love create your character, go and
do fucking choices and blah, blah, blah. But
then Star Wars went and dropped that yesterday.
What is it? Maul. Yeah. Oh. So that's kind of
like, oh, fuck. New series. I think it's a series
or it could be a film. But the fact that we're
getting Sam Witwer fucking back as Darth Maul
is pretty fucking cool. But yeah, I don't want
to go into that because I don't want to do sci
-fi yet. I'm still on my fantasy thing. So I
want Fable to come out and be fantastic. When
was the release date again? It was like this
year, wasn't it? Autumn. It's coming out on PlayStation
as well, which is wild because it's always been
on Xbox. It's indeed coming out on PlayStation.
It just shows Xbox's failings further. Well,
yeah, they must be aware that people play PlayStation
more than they do Xbox. Yeah, I think they're
aware. And they must be able to see that most
of their subscriptions for Game Pass are PC.
Yeah, so I want that to come out and be like
the next Witcher, but I can't see it. You heard
about the Witcher expansion? That's mental. Yeah,
the... What was it fucking... What was it called?
I don't think it's got a name. I don't think
anyone actually has concretely said it exists.
It's just like... One of them things that is
just waiting to be announced. Which is fucking
mental because the game's like 10 years old.
Yeah, the Witcher 3 is reportedly getting a surprise
new expansion this year. But you know how cool
that is? Because these sort of things, I think,
shift the industry as a whole. Because it takes
a company to do something like this. So from
my point of view, my understanding... You've
got The Witcher 3. It's a 10 -year -old game.
They've announced The Witcher 4. They've announced
the protagonist is going to be Ciri. That doesn't
really make any sense because Ciri is... There
is no female witches in the lore. There's no
such thing as a female witch. That just doesn't
make sense anyway. And then she also is kind
of like a demigod. So there's no reason for her
to be out hunting monsters when she can fucking
basically teleport. But neither here nor there.
They're going to put The Witcher 3 expansion
in bridge the gap between witcher 3 ending because
the ending of witcher 3 is actually in the blood
and wine dlc essentially spoiler alert if you
haven't played it or care 321 gerald kind of
retires in a fucking um in like a winery or whatever
you call it a vineyard he gets his own vineyard
and he retires there i think and then all syrian
that come visit him and it kind of ends gerald's
story as a whole so it's going to bridge the
gap between the end of that and Witcher 4. So
now we're going to understand why Ciri is going
to be the main protagonist. And that is exactly
what is exciting because it takes something like
that for other games to then go, hold on, we
want to do another one. Let's bridge the gap
with a... Yeah, we can't just change direction
and not explain why we've changed direction.
Rather than create an entire... It's got nothing
to do with it, but just picking it out the top
of my head. The Assassin's Creed Mirage. Small
game, cheaper. They created a whole game. When
they could do that with The Witcher, they could
create a whole little game. Instead of doing
that, they've already got the assets. Just make
another expansion. Because Blood and Wine is
commonly referred to as the best expansion in
gaming history. Because it is that fucking good.
It adds like 30, 40 hours. And it's probably
the best content out of the whole package. so
yeah their expansions like i never finished it
i don't know why i got sidetracked but phantom
liberty like the expansions are proper they're
not like half -baked couple of missions they're
like proper proper game -changing expansions
that change the entire game if you played a new
game playthrough you'd have different things
available to you different abilities different
weapons all get encumbered within the whole package
rather than just that separate It says, the reports
follow similar claims. So, Polish noble securities
analyst, Mateusz Krasanowski, said last month
that he was expecting the next paid add -on DLC
for The Witcher 3 to be released in May 2026,
according to a Polish website. The report follows
similar claims from a Polish games insider, Boris
Niespielak. Niespielak? Niespilak, who said last
year that the new content was secretly in development
at Force Theory, the same studio currently remaking
the Witcher 1 CD project. Eurogamer has since
followed up with Niespilak, who told it that
his information was verified by several independent
sources. He also pointed to a comment in CD Projekt's
recent financial report Peter... Fuck off. Said
that there's a chance that new content hinted...
Imagine being the geezer whose last name that
is and then just hearing a podcast and just going,
oh, fuck off. I'm not reading that. Neil... Neil
Ubowicz... Fucking... Nailed it. Sorry. Neil.
There is a chance that the new content... New
content hinted upon in recent calls and reports
may see release in the coming year, having an
impact on our results. A spokesperson for CD
Projekt Red told the publication that it does
not comment on rumour or speculation. CD Projekt
is currently working on multiple The Witcher
projects, including The Witcher 4, a remake of
The Witcher 1, and a multiplayer game set within
the Witcher universe. Last summer, the company
debuted... Witcher 4 tech demo which it said
was representative of the Witcher 4 of what the
Witcher 4 will look like on a base PS5 console
which didn't show the game itself there's only
a little bit left when some state started discussing
the footage online as if it were the first look
at the game cg project released a statement calling
it a tech demo and a first look at the cutting
edge technology powering the witcher 4 but not
the witcher 4 itself it showcases the powerful
foundation we're building in close collaboration
with epic games to push open open world design
further than ever before and the core systems
and features we're developing using unreal engine
5 it added I mean, to me, that just sounds like
CD Projekt Red are going, we're making it, shut
the fuck up. Shut the fuck up and don't spoil
it. It's very exciting that they're making Witcher
1 again, because I never got to play that. I've
watched playthroughs of it and stuff, but that's
like old, old. But it leads into nicely probably
the fact that a subject you don't want to touch
about, remakes getting cancelled. Yeah. Favourite
game of all time. Prince of Persia. It's bullshit.
It's bullshit. Let it all out. Ubisoft was one
of the best gaming companies in the world, and
now they are firmly one of the shittest, but
with some of the best IPs. They made the Battle
Royale. Sorry, not the Battle Royale, the extraction
shooter. They are the genesis of it. which is
something that the gaming industry has just ran
fucking wild with, especially with Ark Raiders
like that. And then they made Assassin's Creed.
Again, one of the best game series that there
is that inspired countless other games from it.
And then before that was an even bigger one,
which was Prince of Persia. Humongous. And they're
just fucking awful. I don't know what it is.
So... Six gaming projects, they've just gone,
nah, we ain't doing them anymore. They've restructured.
They've sacked a load of people. Their share
price has dropped by 33 % the minute they announced
this, which is fucking huge. I thought about
investing. The only way is up, surely. That's
a ginormous drop in your shares. Ginormous. But
what do you expect? What do you expect to happen?
It's madness. I mean, you've got the rumoured
next Assassin's Creed, Assassin's Creed Hex,
which is set in the witch trials in that era.
But it's like, what's that going to have to do
with Assassin's Creed? It's not, is the fucking
answer. They're just looking for other pockets
to put them in. Yeah, get rid of the Assassin's
Creed name. Let it go. Turn it into something
else and try and build something upon that. Why
you would cancel the Prince of Persia remake?
Why would you do that? Because if you're going
to remake anything, that is one of the best games
for you to remake because it was so dearly loved
and inspired an entire fucking series that you've
built your entire company on. Why would you not
go back to that? If you're going to cancel five
games, don't cancel that one. Because why would
you do that? Why would you do that? Let's Google
it. Ubisoft. I hope they don't cancel Black Flag.
Shit. I wanted to play that remake. Ubisoft faces
intense criticism for releasing formulaic buggy
and repetitive open world games often relying
on excessive microtransactions and according
to a recent report all I've typed in for this
is Ubisoft is shit. Potentially facing a 1 billion
euro operating loss leading to cancelled projects.
The company is criticised for prioritising quantity
over quality, resulting in a decline in player
trust and severe stock price drops. I'll just
type in Ubisoft. They're going to go bankrupt.
That's probably why they've fucking done it.
Because they're going to go bankrupt. Cancel
six... Fuck off, BBC. and closed his studio.
Ubisoft has cancelled six video games, including
its long -awaited Prince of Persia Sounds of
Time remake as part of a major reset of his operations.
The French developer and publisher known for
popular games such as Assassin's Creed, Far Cry,
and Just Dance has closed two studios and delayed
seven titles as part of its change. Ubisoft boss...
I don't know how to say it. fuck you anyway,
said the move would create the conditions for
a return to substantial growth. The firm shares
plunged by 33 % on Thursday morning following
the announcement. The move comes at a time when
studios are increasingly turning to video game
remakes and remasters. with new versions of Super
Mario Galaxy, Oblivion, and Metal Gear Solid
3 proving popular in 2025. I mean, I wouldn't
go as far as to say that the Oblivion remake
was popular because there was a metric that came
out saying that two -thirds of the people that
played it actually stopped after about 15 hours
of gameplay. They got their fucking nostalgia
kick out of it and then stopped playing it. so
the decision to bin the remake of sands of time
which sold millions of copies in 2003 has left
many fans scratching their heads including me
ubisoft has not specified which titles it has
discontinued alongside the prince of persia remake
but it says among them are four unannounced titles
including free based on new intellectual property
and a mobile game mobile game sweet fuck that
off It's bad when you're already fucking off
three IPs. It's bad when you're a company that
has the capacity to make three IPs because that
just tells me at least two of them are going
to be shit. If you're putting the effort in,
if you come up with three separate IPs and then
cancel them, that just tells me they were going
to be waft. Again, quantity over quality. We
don't need you to make three different IPs. You
can make a new IP by just dropping the Assassin's
Creed name. There you go. There's a new IP for
you. The developers were working on new intellectual
property and mobile titles for Assassin's Creed,
respectively. The closure of Ubisoft Halifax
was previously announced in January, the same
week the studio formed a union. While these decisions
are difficult, they are necessary for us to build
a more focused, efficient, and sustainable organization
over the long term. Taken together... These measures
mark a decisive turning point for Ubisoft and
reflect our determination to confront challenges
head on to reshape the group for the long term.
Yeah, here's the turning point. It's bankruptcy.
There's your turning point from a company that
was making ridiculous amounts of profit and sitting
at the fucking precipice of game developers to
nothing. That's the turn that they're after.
The trouble is they have now. such a terrible
reputation. Yeah. And that follows them around
everywhere. CD Projekt Red came from The Witcher
with a big cult following. Witcher 2, which I
played because it was on Xbox, didn't really
understand what was going on because I didn't
know the IP. I just thought it was a cool looking
game, played it, didn't finish it, thought it
was pretty cool. Witcher 3 came out, blew CD
Projekt Red sky high to like RPG greatness. and
then made two fucking massive expansions, which
was great and respected, and then went radio
silence for years and created Cyberpunk, which
built the anticipation from The Witcher 3, which
then plummeted into fucking rock bottom, and
they have piece by piece built that back. Their
reputation is now back up. like top tier because
they don't yeah they care they don't take the
piss out of their consumers and they build quality
eventually they build quality over quantity whereas
Ubisoft is just have all this shit something's
got to stick you know what I mean but the problem
is is that all of their shit is the same fucking
thing. It's the same thing wrapped up differently.
Yeah, scratch below the surface, Far Cry and
Assassin's Creed are the same fucking things.
Take out the parkour aspect of it and it's still
an open world with liberate this fucking bit,
go and collect this feather, go and fucking scratch
this chicken's cock, go and do whatever. It's
the same shit. What's mad is the writing's on
the wall. They've restructured their entire company
last year. They've already had a restructure.
They laid off a load of people. It was like 180
people that they sacked as well. And then they're
restructuring again, not even a year later. Like,
what the fuck? They closed a load of offices.
I don't understand it. And then it says here,
on the one hand, the AAA gaming industry has
become persistently more selective and competitive
with rising development costs and greater challenges
in creating the brands. Stop fucking putting
microtransactions in your game and stop making
10 games a year then. This is why it's so frustrating
because Star Wars Outlaws originally was pitched
as do what you want, be what you want, be a bounty
hunter, be a Jedi, be whatever you want, character
creator. And then they released this fucking
cave vest who everyone hates. I think she's all
right, but they just fit shit protagonist. She's
not great, but she's all right. In arguably the
same world as fucking Assassin's Creed because
it's the same shit. However. The game itself,
if I didn't play any of them Assassin's Creed,
just as a standalone, you'd be like, this is
sick. But it's because you've played so many
games that are exactly the same. It's just like,
again, like the same thing. I already know how
this is going to work. Do this, get 10 of these
upgrades, blah, blah, blah. But the actual, like,
attention to detail of Star Wars, like the sounds
and the fucking lore and... just feeling like
you're in a Star Wars universe. I don't think
there's ever been a game that made me feel like
that more. So that part of it, they've fucking
nailed. It's got a unique aspect because of Star
Wars. Yeah, and it's fucking great. Even like
Star Wars Jedi Survivor and Star Wars, whatever
the first one was, I can't remember. They don't...
The Last Hope? The Lost Survivor? The Last Survivor?
The Last Jedi or something. I can't remember.
Something like that. Even them didn't make me
feel like they do. And you're a fucking Jedi
in that. But Outlaws has just got this fucking
great feeling to it. But it is just an Assassin's
Creed game. Yeah, yeah. Unfortunately. And it's
great, but there comes a time when you're just
like, I'm bored. Because it's do this. Finish
this section and then go and do three more of
these fucking hideouts. It's the same repeated
shit. I was on the PlayStation store yesterday
and I was like, maybe I'll tweet myself to another
game. I don't know if you heard last week I said
that I'd re -downloaded Metro Exodus. I did listen.
I didn't hear that part though. I'm not playing.
I can't be bothered. I can't get into it. I cannot.
It's a hard game. I've done a couple of hours
and the guns feel shit. The combat feels shit.
I don't like it. I can't get into it. Fair enough
if people say it's one of the best games ever.
You can keep that memory in your fucking noggin.
I don't want a part of it. If you're in the mood
for that kind of game... Which I'm not. I said
this to Steph. I was like, I feel lonely and
it's dark and scary and there's monsters. I don't
want to do it. I don't feel safe. So I'm not
doing it. Yeah, you've definitely picked the
wrong game. Yeah, I don't want to touch it. That
one's fucking quite nice in comparison because
the other Metro games are actually in the Metro
tunnels. That's even more fucking terrifying.
I just don't want to do it. So I'm not going
to do it. Maybe I will at some point. I won't.
So I was like, I'll flick through the PlayStation
store and see if there's anything that's taken
my interest. And then Steph was like, well, what
happened to all those games that came out in
one fucking solid month? And I was like, well,
exactly that. I didn't have the... I had the
funds. I didn't want to spend them because it
was... It was fucking Little Nightmares 3, Ghost
of Yotai, Outer Worlds 2. And then there was
another game thrown in there as well. I can't
remember what it was. Dying Light. Dying Light
the Beast. And I was like, there's too many.
There's too many. So I thought, well, Ghost of
Yotai. Because Ghost of Tsushima is fucking amazing.
And I very nearly bought it. And then I went,
I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered. I can't
be asked to do another open world game. I cannot
be bothered to do it. I'm burnt out from doing
open world games. I want rich story, but I want
rich graphics. I want it to feel good. I want
all of it. I want God of War Ragnarok. I want
that. I want The Last of Us. So I was like, I'm
going to at least do some more market research
before I decide to buy it. And I went on to Reddit,
and a lot of people were saying the same thing.
A lot of people were saying, it's a fantastic
game, but it's Ghost of Tsushima. in a different
fucking land. It's the same shit, even down to
the same foxholes and things like that. And they're
like, it's a fantastic game, but there's only
so much that you can do with it. It looks beautiful,
but it's... The same game. It's the same game.
And a lot of people are saying the same thing
that I'm saying. They're just burnt out from
open world games. I'm burnt out from them. I
want a little bit of hand -holding. You know
what I mean? I want... I just want to be safe.
I just want to be hugged by the games. Luckily
for me, I've been well and truly stuck into my
Divinity Original Sin 2. I've got about 65, 70
hours on that now. Made it to Act 3. And I've
also just been fucking bumming the life out of
Steam Deck. I've played it every day for like
months. Why don't you bring that into the office?
Because I don't like taking it outside. I get
scared. It's got a case. Yeah, I know. It doesn't
matter. A protective case. It doesn't matter.
I've been playing... I've been playing Terraria.
Ah. Would you believe? I see, Terraria. I've
put 18 hours in since... Oh, I don't know. Fucking
four or five days ago. Yeah. I've been banging
that out. That's decent. I dug straight down
to hell. It took me about five hours. Mm -hmm.
I just dug straight down. And then I built a
wall going like parallel. And then I had to put
a rope down as well. So I was building walls
as I went, putting rope down and then digging
into water and then having to dig little holes
for the water to go in, carry on digging. And
then I started getting lava and I was like, fuck.
So then I'd have to climb back up my rope, knock
the water out, let the water fall down my hole.
turn the lava into obsidian, then mine the obsidian.
But then when I let the water out and it fell
down the hole, it'd put all my torches out. So
it'd be pitch black. So I'd have to go and put
all my torches back. And I did that for a long
time until I reached hell and died. But now I've
got something that I've aptly named the Hellovator.
The Hellovator? Yeah. What is in hell? Just scary
shit. Loads of cool loot, but lots of dangerous
stuff. But yeah, I've always wondered why people
enjoy that game so much. But it's just 2D Minecraft,
but more combat -based. There's a lot of bosses.
There's a lot of fucking random loot you can
get. Oh, you're not the first person to call
it a Hellevator. Oh, am I not? No, because it
comes up on the... Well, that's disappointing.
Is there a quick way to make a Hellevator? Oh,
it's actually a term that people just call it.
Yeah. Oh, that's disappointing. It says, I'm
trying to cut off the crimson. Do you know what
the crimson is? It's like an infection that runs
across the map. Someone said... What does that
say? You might try purchasing a bunch of bombs,
throwing them directly down while suspended from
a rope or series of platforms. That's a good
idea. I'll do that. But I wanted to make my hole
very... I'll get ADHD. If there's a brick out
of place and it's the wrong colour, I have to...
I can see hell. It doesn't look very fun. There's
lots of lava and other things happening there.
I haven't even watched any videos on it. I'm
very disappointed that Elevator is like a...
I thought I'd coined that. I'm sorry to spoil
it for you. There's literally a whole thing.
They look pretty cool. But yeah, it is... By
the looks of it is exactly what you said. I'm
seeing what looks like a well and it's just a
hole that goes straight down that's been walled
off either side with a rope going down. I only
put the wall there so the baddies couldn't get
in while I was mining because I'd mine and then
fucking... bugs would fall on my head and I'd
just die in the hole. Yeah, that's exactly what...
I won't swap the laptop around. I'll just take
a photo and show you. Does this look similar
to your elevator? No, mine... No, that's much
better. That's much better. Mine don't look like
that. He's actually made like a well at the top.
Yeah. And mine's just like the most basic brick
wall. he's got like a funky red going on and
mine's literally underneath my house which is
a terrible place to build it but there you go
I'm not the smartest not the smartest at the
school am I and like I say you and me are very
similar in terms of them sort of games because
I just get paralysed by my own idiocy and think
I don't know like I've done that now I've gone
to hell I feel like I've completed it But I haven't
because there's fucking hundreds of hours to
play in that game. Yeah, yeah. But I haven't.
I'm just like, well, I've dug as far as I can
go down. So surely that's the end. But no, there's
fucking loads of bosses and stuff. And funnily
enough, they've actually got a massive update
coming in two weeks and they haven't had an update
for years. I mean, still getting huge updates.
I had that whole fucking, that whole area in
Elden Ring that I didn't explore, that castle,
the lava area. I killed the boss there, the snake
thing where you get the weapon that shoots the
fucking farts at it. But that whole castle area,
I didn't explore any of the outside because I
made it there by... Getting kidnapped. Getting
kidnapped, yeah, pretty much. That's horrible
when you do that. It's so hard to get out of
there. Yeah, it was the right fucker to get out
of there because you've got to keep going back
to that table and killing the people and fucking
dueling everyone. It was a great cunt. yeah and
that's also the place with the the wall with
a thousand hits that was it is in there yeah
somewhere I think it's I think it's in that in
that place it's a cool place it's in a volcano
yeah yeah and I just never made it to that place
like organically I got kidnapped and fucking
dragged there so I never I finished that boss
got out of there and fucking went somewhere else
I was like I ain't exploring this there's something
about In any game, the minute that I see a hellscape,
I go, no. Like Khaled. I go, I don't want to.
If you're the type of person that can... happily
traverse somewhere like caled and enjoys being
in that area then you're fucking you're nuts
i do like that style but i don't like going it's
like i look at that and go yeah i'm not high
enough level for that yeah that must be end game
and then even when you are high enough high enough
level you still go i don't like this at all running
their hits out and see how much their health
goes down yeah you go oh fuck this this ain't
for me it's just places like that there but they're
fun they are fun I'm going to assume that there's
bosses in Terraria Hell. Oh yeah, it's the wall
of flesh. Terraria Hell boss. Oh yeah, it is
the wall of flesh. I've seen it. Fucking thing.
With eyeballs and shit like that. Two eyeballs
and a weird mouth. I kind of broke the game because
I was playing it and early on I got a drop. It's
called a godly boomerang. And it is exactly that.
It's godly. And it just does so much damage.
I think I just got a mad lucky drop and now I
don't need any other weapons. So it kind of took
some of the fun out because I'd like my new ore
and then it'd still be shitter than the weapon
I got. Godly boomerang. It just says boomerangs.
Does anyone use boomerangs? Well, I do. The terror
prism is one of the best weapons in Terraria.
Never heard of it. No, I won't tell you what
it does either. You've never heard of it. I know
nothing about it. To be honest, I know nothing
about the game. All I know is... There's a shroomerang.
I imagine, yeah, I've collected enough mushrooms.
It's a pre -hard mode boomerang that is dropped
by spore bats with a 2 .5 % drop chance. Yeah,
pre -hard as well. You have to do something to
even unlock hard mode. I read on Reddit. Mad
game. Yeah, I just like playing. A Bind of Isaac,
I've now got like 130 hours in. I don't know
why. I've already platinumed it on fucking PlayStation.
Yeah, that's mad. I'm trying to do it again.
It's got about 600 achievements. That's mad.
I wouldn't ever touch a game if I platinumed
it again. I don't ever touch games again when
I finish them. I know, I know, but it's a roguelike.
It's not the same. It's like one of them games
you just plop on and just have a couple of runs.
Yeah. And you unlock something all the time.
I downloaded a game. We'll talk about it very,
very quickly. And it's the weebiest game that
I've ever played. No, not one of them. It's for
incels, 100%. 100%. It's an anime game. And it
is definitely designed for basement dwellers
that say that they're alpha males. 100%. So it's
a game called... Nikkei? Goddess of Victory.
Well, it does sound pretty fancy. That's the
anime girls. And it's basically, apparently,
from what I read on Reddit, the story is really,
really good. And I assume that it is really,
really good because that's what the combat looks
like. Oh, right, yeah. Fair enough. That's what
the combat looks like. This is the current crew.
That's what they look like. Oh, yeah. Boobies
and nice sexy outfits. Appropriately dressed
for combat. Yes. So when all the Reddit thread
that I perused was saying, my wife says that
it's just an excuse for me to look at boobies
when I say that it's a good story. That's because
it is, mate. That's because it is. This game
is entirely designed for people to have a wank.
Because it's the way that they talk. So, like,
you're the commander. okay and they call you
like you're my commander and then like at the
beginning there's this basically those those
women are robots because of course they are and
one of them that you like own or something gets
injured or some shit and you're putting bandages
on them and another robot says like what are
you doing that for your tit they're a robot and
the one that's getting bandaged is like no no
I actually like it I feel like we have a bond
between us. And then she's like, don't say anything
bad about my commander. He's in charge. And you
know that sort of like... The game's constantly
reminding you that you're the one that's in charge
and you're making all the calls and you're daddy.
That kind of shit. And I think, yeah, 100 % people
are lapping this up. And when I looked at the
Google reviews, there was someone, they were
like, I wish the microtransactions weren't so
expensive because I just want to support this
game. Shut the fuck up. You just want to wank
to this game. That's all you want. I have to.
I don't like just shaming people on this podcast,
but it's just funny. Because the gameplay is
kind of fun. And even if the story is amazing,
I cannot play it seriously because I'm just staring
at someone's arsehole while I'm shooting robots.
And it's the fact that it even has... So you
build like a deck. It's a gacha game. Of course
it is. They all are, aren't they? But you build
a deck of all these Nikkeis that you can unlock.
And they all do different things. So you can
auto -assign decks so it will do it for you.
And then when combat starts, you can auto -play
the combat. Of course you can. So you can do
other things. Yeah, so you don't even have to
play the game. So I'm like, don't sit there and
tell me that the story's amazing. But at the
same time, the story that I've heard so far,
I'm kind of intrigued to see what happens. Fuck
that, bro. It looks shit. I'm not going to lie.
It looks shit. First off, the game is great and
I'm all for the lewdness. The gameplay is more
satisfying than I thought and would be at first.
The characters are all likeable. The gacha so
far hasn't been too bad. Blah, blah, blah. The
devs seem to actually care about the players.
Shut the fuck up. Here we go. This one is that
I genuinely enjoy playing. The story and overall
art style were brilliant. However, the only thing
that makes me sad is the skins. You're only given
a small amount of free pulls which aren't enough
to let you get the skin that you're after Yeah,
that's the whole point of a gacha I can't see
the one where it's talking about... There's a
lot of people saying they love the art style,
but you would because it's massive boobies and
curvy bums in your face. So any person with a
penis is going to like that. I just wouldn't.
That sort of stuff just doesn't... I just look
at it and think, whoever likes this is a weirdo
in my head. Yeah, but this is the thing, is that
you're a nerd, but you're like an old school
nerd. This is designed for computer nerds. This
is for people who... hate women but are scared
to talk to them. That's what it's for. You know
what I mean? This is for a specific type of proper
nerd. Because all the reviews that I'm reading,
they all say how good the story is. And no one
really talks about how borderline softcore porn
it is. So I'm like, you haven't clicked on this
game and downloaded it. You're lying to yourselves
and each other. And now you're lying to us. Maybe
I'll finish it. Maybe I'll finish it for the
pod purposes and I can get back and tell everyone.
What's mad is that Kin, someone in the guild
and a person who I actually met at John's wedding,
has played it and I didn't realise because ages
ago he sent us through screenshots of how much
of a weeb he is and how much money he spent on
this specific game, not this one. And it's like...
hundreds of pounds so much money on skins like
that and I remember taking the piss out of it
I was like who the fuck spends money on that
it's this game this is the game because I sent
a screenshot of it into the group chat and said
lads I've found it I've found the one and then
he was like why the fuck did no one tag me and
then said he was like this is the game that I've
like completed it's like the story is incredible
he was like it would mean so much to me if you
stuck with it because the story is really good
and that's why I'm like half inclined where I'm
like He is a gamer and knows what he's on about.
But at the same time, he loves that sort of shit.
So I think, are you just telling me that the
story is really good to try and help the fact
that you've spent fucking hundreds of pounds
on this game? To just look at boobies. Just YouTube
the story. Google it. Well, Joe even said, he
was like, you know, you can literally just play
porn video games. He was like, you haven't got
to tease yourself with this because you don't
actually see any boobs or anything in the game.
And then he sent a link of all these different
games. And he was like, just play one of them.
And you ain't got to spend no money. Yeah, it's
fucking ridiculous. That's what I'd expect from
you, World of Warcraft lot. And that's 17 gig,
by the way. How many boobies have they squeezed
into 17 gig? How big is the story? 17 gig of
breast. That's 17 gig. Before we stop, I quickly
need to see Nick A. Play time? I just want to
see... That's probably going to give me a different
result for this game. What? For long -term players,
the total time invested is extensive, with completionist
play styles reaching over 400 hours. It's a gacha
game, man. It's never going to end. Them sort
of games don't end, man. Look at fucking... What
is it? Grand Fantasy... No, not Grand Fantasy.
Grand... What is that other one? The Zelda...
Look -a -like. Genshin Impact? Yeah, that one.
That's one of them games. Or Destiny Rising.
So apparently the main story will take 80 hours
roughly. And then with main plus the extra is
361 hours. I'm not doing that. No, YouTube. I'm
not doing that. You can go on Pornhub for a five
-minute wank and then you're done, isn't it?
I'm not putting 80 hours into a game. Goddess
of victory. Well, there you go. See you later,
everyone.