1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,980 I swear to God, this is like the night take to try and do this. All I'm trying to do is do a little intro 2 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:14,840 For patron for the people the prince among men isn't here. He's engaged in other business, which is absolutely fine 3 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:20,480 Me and Steph are recording an episode on the weekend. I'm releasing one of the patron episodes 4 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,080 today Friday 5 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:26,400 To bless your ear holes with it's all about ass-shitting himself 6 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:32,440 Just a little taster into the patron world of what's the buttons top quality stuff 7 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:39,520 This episode has virtually nothing about gaming. It's all about bowel movements. So sit back 8 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:44,760 Listen, and hopefully this doesn't switch you off from our podcast. Enjoy 9 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:50,300 Hello everyone and welcome to the patron episode of what's the buttons? 10 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,180 This is where we do it properly. This is our 11 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,180 our 12 00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:58,640 Non explicit episode 13 00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:02,500 No swearing 14 00:01:03,020 --> 00:01:07,660 Yeah, yeah, that's what non explicit means yeah, that's what we're going for 15 00:01:07,660 --> 00:01:13,580 We haven't planned this episode at all, which is very out of the ordinary for us over at what's the buttons HQ? 16 00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:15,980 so we're going to free flow this and 17 00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:19,020 Come up with it on the spot 18 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:21,340 Yes, take it away 19 00:01:21,340 --> 00:01:26,220 No, cuz I don't have a fucking clue what to talk about. I'm so hungry. Oh, yeah, I 20 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:28,900 had today the 21 00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:35,780 Double quarter pounder with cheese and barbecue sauce from McDonald's and I have to tell you it's fucking 22 00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:41,460 Phenomenal it's exactly what every man woman child alien 23 00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:47,320 Because America's said that they're real now once in a burger. It's fantastic 24 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:52,220 the barbecue sauce is an absolute winner the only bit that I will add which is a little bit of a 25 00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:54,740 of a um a 26 00:01:55,780 --> 00:01:57,780 What's the fucking word? 27 00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:00,820 What's the word 28 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:05,260 Criticism is that the size of the burger the sauce don't cover the whole burger 29 00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:09,820 We can get a little bit dry on the edges, but if you if you bring some barbecue sauce with you that won't be an issue 30 00:02:09,820 --> 00:02:16,580 I'm gonna be honest. I don't know McDonald's. So yeah, shout me all you want. Okay? 31 00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:20,940 That's my belly rumbles in the jungles 32 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:25,300 So 33 00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:30,580 What are you doing carry on my belly's gonna rub no no cuz I won't be able to hear it 34 00:02:31,260 --> 00:02:37,780 No, this is ridiculous. Carry on. Oh, you're not fucking fucking phone and help me then you can't know you're about to shout 35 00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:41,380 Why don't you just fucking help me then what just sit in there scrolling? 36 00:02:41,380 --> 00:02:45,620 You're not doing anything help me cuz you're about to shout at me that I don't like McDonald's 37 00:02:45,780 --> 00:02:50,860 No, I'm not about to shout you like McDonald's about shout you because you're not helping me. I'm fucking sinking ship here 38 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:52,540 I need some help 39 00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:58,300 Yeah, I don't know McDonald's there you go. It sucks. Do you fuck KFC? You're fuck you boy. You're wrong, but well, yeah, you go 40 00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:01,300 Okay, I say they got the new teriyaki burger. Yeah, but 41 00:03:02,060 --> 00:03:03,460 slap on that 42 00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:05,460 But I don't like takeaways 43 00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:06,820 I 44 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,820 Want about takeaways? 45 00:03:10,180 --> 00:03:17,000 Jesus Christ, what do you mean? Who doesn't like takeaways me? I think they're shit. No, you're lying to yourself 46 00:03:17,260 --> 00:03:19,260 What is this? What why? 47 00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:23,820 No one wants to hear your stomach rumbling. They won't be able to hear it. It's not loud enough. Oh 48 00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:26,460 It's loud. It's not I 49 00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:28,780 Like dominoes 50 00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:35,780 That's a takeaway right there. Everyone loves dominoes. I like fish and chips mark prefers Pizza Hut. I don't give a fuck what Mark prefers 51 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,780 No, we all care what mark prefers. I 52 00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:41,500 like 53 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:45,660 This is awful big red button to stop this episode 54 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:48,740 pathetic I like 55 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:52,820 Mando's is for fucking 12 year olds Nando's is awful. I 56 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:55,700 like 57 00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:57,700 milkshakes I 58 00:03:57,700 --> 00:04:02,500 Feel like any place that's making me pay full price, but I have to go and get my own cutlery is wrong. I 59 00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:05,060 like 60 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:10,540 Like ham and cheese sandwiches from Tesco's 61 00:04:12,020 --> 00:04:14,460 And cheesy Doritos 62 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:18,740 Dairy milk and Maltesers 63 00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:24,420 Choc Isis 64 00:04:28,660 --> 00:04:30,660 I had a choc ice in fucking ages 65 00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:34,220 I love it. Do they do them still? Of course they do yeah 66 00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:39,780 I've got new one with like half choc ice halfway for us to go. Yeah, isn't that called a maxibon probably? 67 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:40,500 I don't know what it's called 68 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:45,540 But we get them from Aldi's and Jim has to buy like two or three boxes cuz I'm months out three or four after dinner 69 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:48,580 You go through him. I'll go through him. Oh my god 70 00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:51,940 Mad geezer shit itself today at work 71 00:04:52,740 --> 00:04:54,660 You turn up 72 00:04:54,660 --> 00:05:00,020 Bearing in mind what in your gang? Yeah. Well, yeah kind of barely Matt. No bearing in mind 73 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,700 fucking he's got pants on and 74 00:05:04,660 --> 00:05:09,860 You know trousers that are very protective. Yeah, he had a massive wet patch through 75 00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:15,160 His trousers are very protective. Oh shit himself. He had to drive somewhere 76 00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,620 They would have heard that 77 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:24,980 I'm hungry 78 00:05:24,980 --> 00:05:26,180 So he shit himself 79 00:05:26,180 --> 00:05:31,780 He had to drive to a car park right at the end and then hide behind his vehicle and wipe his bum 80 00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:38,020 And the most disgusting part of it all was don't tell me he's fucking wearing the same shit 81 00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:40,260 He put his pants back on. Oh my god 82 00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:46,980 Cleaned them with what don't know tissue. I guess he's got tissue in the motor 83 00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:53,620 Proper shitty side never shit myself away. Yeah, never shit myself. Why did he shit himself? 84 00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:58,260 He was on site and then he shit himself. He was on his way to site and they just did a little fart 85 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:03,100 And then he uh, yeah, and then he was like, whoa, that's a poo 86 00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,860 Was it like a full-on poo? 87 00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:10,020 Just like he just said he probably well obviously enough of he fucking had a wet patch on his ass 88 00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:13,140 Did you see the wet patch? Yeah. Yeah, it's all wet. Oh my he was like 89 00:06:13,860 --> 00:06:20,180 That's from where I was wiping it. But no, that was like proper proper schizanhauer proper shit 90 00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:23,620 That is incredible 91 00:06:23,780 --> 00:06:27,540 Yeah, there's a lot it was a lot but I was you know, what the worst thing is 92 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,420 He said as soon as he done it he went. Oh, no, i've done an ash 93 00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:33,780 I've done an ash. I don't want to be known as the shit. Why are you? 94 00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:38,500 Knows the guy that shits himself. I don't know i'm not. Is it always shitting in the van? No, no, no 95 00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:45,460 No, just because you know, i'm not i'll just say sometimes I fart and then poo comes out but not like poo. He just 96 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,980 You know like oh shit it's water water poo 97 00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:54,420 Like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not skirting over that one 98 00:06:56,340 --> 00:07:00,740 What do you mean? No, no, no, how often does that happen? No, not that often I shit on the uh, 99 00:07:00,740 --> 00:07:04,740 In the on the bath mat the other day. I'll tell you about that 100 00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:07,460 What's happening? 101 00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:10,740 I just deleted that picture as well 102 00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:13,940 today 103 00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:21,380 No, what do you mean you shit on the bath mat? Can you get your your deleted photos up on on your phone? 104 00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:24,260 No, well, i'm sure you might be able to 105 00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:28,180 Why did you just drop that? 106 00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:33,060 Like nothing's happened. What do you mean? I um, yeah, no i've got out the bath 107 00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:36,500 This is gonna be one patron for the people 108 00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,660 I got out the bath and 109 00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:47,940 You know when you fart when you got a wet wet body they'll nail me like rippers, yeah 110 00:07:48,980 --> 00:07:51,620 So I thought well, is he gonna be a good one? 111 00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,540 So I was drying my hair with a towel and thought it's gonna be a big fart 112 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:58,260 So I put like one leg up on the bath 113 00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:03,620 To like do one of them massive farts. Yeah, and I just shit 114 00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:07,380 It just went 115 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:14,900 Did you send it to jammer? 116 00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,300 No, no, no the uh 117 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:25,300 Uh, have you sent it to anyone? No because I didn't want to pay them sick of people having that shit over me 118 00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:33,380 Had you just farted and shat on the phone was it a big shit? No, it was that's what I mean. It doesn't 119 00:08:34,980 --> 00:08:37,060 Right conscious slettings drop down menu 120 00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:46,900 Uh, um, uh, why did you delete it? Why would you delete something? I'm gonna be able to find it because 121 00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:55,700 Why did you lift your leg up for the well because I was wet so I knew 122 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:59,460 When you're wet, you got a wet bum when you fart it's gonna go like 123 00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:03,220 It's gonna be a proper good one 124 00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:11,540 Isn't it the same you've just dried the hairs on your head and then you for all let me put my leg up on the bath 125 00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:15,700 Then strained for a fart and i've just shat 126 00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:19,300 If you saw that with no context 127 00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:24,180 When you just saw it from the back end of you rather than the front end so you didn't see your face 128 00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:26,260 All you'd see is a fully grown man 129 00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:30,500 Drying himself after a bath 130 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,500 Put one leg up on the bath 131 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:34,500 And just shit on the mat 132 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,500 Like some kind of dominance thing 133 00:09:42,980 --> 00:09:44,980 I own this bath 134 00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:48,980 Like a fox 135 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:56,820 I shit on the floor on the bath mat and the worst thing was I said, oh no, so I sat on the toilet wipe my bum 136 00:09:56,820 --> 00:10:03,640 Um cleaning myself up a little bit. He sat on the toilet with a wet ass. Yeah, I was still wet. I was just drying my hair fuming 137 00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:06,820 and then the worst thing was 138 00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:08,980 I went into the 139 00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:11,540 Into the kitchen 140 00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:16,500 And with the bath mat rolled up, yeah, and I was like this has got to go in a bin 141 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:24,260 Um, and she was like why I was like I just shit on it 142 00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:32,740 But the thing was she just went ah fuck's sake 143 00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:42,900 There was no like what do you mean you've shit on it there's no questions well for fuck's sake oh fuck's sake 144 00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,900 I 145 00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:47,220 Know we got a new bath mat 146 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:49,700 Oh jam, i'm just gonna go have a bath love 147 00:10:49,780 --> 00:10:54,580 All right, i'll be i'll be back in about 40 odd minutes and then he just come out dripping wet 148 00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:58,900 We were rolled up bath mat and said this needs to go in the bin of shit on it 149 00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:00,900 Yeah 150 00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:16,180 I'm glad you find you've got to understand how funny it is. It's so funny 151 00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:20,440 Oh, i'm starting to feel like the weirdo because I don't shit myself 152 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:28,920 You poo in places you're not supposed to poo so much. No, but yeah, but nah man, not really 153 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,640 The way you said it making it sound like you're a victim 154 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:44,600 Nah man, no, because um, yeah, no you're making it sound like uh, like I just shit everywhere, but I don't 155 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:51,960 Know I can't find the phone. Oh god. It's a shame 156 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,160 Did it at least make a cool sound like exited? Yeah, no splattered doing 157 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,280 It was like proper light splash 158 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,560 And then yeah, I was like, oh fuck and then I looked in there 159 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:07,320 It's just like shit on the on the carpet thing. What was it just like watery? 160 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:11,240 Yeah, it's a watery thing. But like I say, it was no I didn't have bad belly 161 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:17,320 Because what happened was I had dinner had a bath then obviously cocked my leg up 162 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,280 It just shot out 163 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,000 I was like, oh no, it's a white one bum sat on the toilet 164 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,120 Yeah, and then just solid shit come out 165 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:31,720 So why is this watery shit just come shooting out my ass and now i'm sitting down 166 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,480 I'm having a proper probably the water that you've ingested in your arsehole from having a bath 167 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,280 And then it's just mixed with your poo 168 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,440 come out and then you go 169 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:46,680 Imagine if it was a solid poo if you come out the bathroom like you're holding a subway sandwich 170 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:51,400 It's wrapped up a get of poo. Yeah, that's what it was anyway 171 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,840 So yeah, she just put that in the bin and now we've got a new bath mat 172 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:02,280 So yeah, that's that story I thought I told you it's fantastic that never changed 173 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,960 It's so great 174 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,480 oh 175 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:13,000 Yeah, so now i've shit in the bath and out the bath. Yeah. Yeah, but it's just been normal now. So 176 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,960 Jem's just like oh fucking here we go 177 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:23,320 Here we go here we go again stef's like that every time I fucking accidentally pissed the bed 178 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:28,760 Yeah, it's happened. It's happened too many times for you know, I mean where it's just got obviously 179 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,640 Haven't done it for for a while now 180 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,680 But yeah the last time I was just like, um 181 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:38,280 I'm not long ago. Well that long ago the last time I fucking pissed the bed 182 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,880 I didn't even didn't even realize I'd pissed the bed. It was so hot. I thought I was just sweaty 183 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:48,360 No, I just pissed the bed. Yeah, but the time before that. Yeah, I woke stef up and I was like i'm fucking i'm 26 184 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:52,680 See, we're all weird. See i'm 26. What's going on? We've all got our little quirks 185 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,520 What do you mean? I don't do that like like my one's weirder than what you've done 186 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:03,160 You just come on the path and just projectile shatter. I didn't mean to I went to fart 187 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:08,040 Like you didn't mean to piss the bed. It sounds so much more incredible in my head 188 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,600 If I imagine it as if you did mean to do it 189 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,880 It's just a stack of bath mats in the bin 190 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:25,720 Yeah, jammer i'm just gonna have a bath and then just hand you a brand new mat on your way in there you go mate 191 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,920 Clean up after you gotta do what you need to do, lad 192 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,920 I'm just gonna do it 193 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:37,880 Anyway to alleviate some stress so this so just gauge on the way to work let a fart out and full on shit himself 194 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:43,240 Yeah, did he have to drive far before he got the site sitting on his shit? I don't know. No. Yeah 195 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,600 I don't know how far away he was maybe like 15 minutes 196 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:51,000 But he like I say pulled into a car park and done it in there and sorted himself out 197 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:54,280 But it's the fact that he wore the same box. I know that's just throw them away 198 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,000 Yeah, just wipe your bum with them and get rid of because I would have 199 00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,920 I'd imagine you got gorilla wipes in your setup or you got some kind of 200 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:06,440 Nah, we ain't but I haven't because i'm not a swipe thing. Yeah, but they must be knocking around somewhere 201 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,920 We'll just fucking industrial gorilla wipes just wipe it without throwing the boxes away 202 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,560 Fling them on the site so someone else has to come with a little picker and pick them up 203 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,040 Just add a little bit of spice to the day 204 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,680 And then just wipe the trousers with that 205 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:27,480 I'll bet you get a car hole in them bin bags and fucking wear that and then put your trousers on over it 206 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,720 I just find that crazy that he kept his boxes 207 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:36,120 Was that fucking Matt's log that you remember that massive log he produced what the fuck was that 208 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,360 Yeah, because I sent it to a load of people last week 209 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:48,120 I can't believe that come out his fucking ass. It was huge, wasn't it? That was a massive poo. Oh god 210 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:53,480 That was huge and then you got fucking Jimmy shitting on his own arm. What is this company? 211 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,040 on his own head 212 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:05,080 It's fucking shat on his arm and then because he was so sweaty wipe the sweat off his head and wipe poo on him 213 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,080 I got a bad belly 214 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,640 We're all 215 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:21,160 Pissing and shitting but some people are just too shy to admit it. I don't give a fucking monkeys. Oh god that um 216 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:27,900 That was the greatest 15 minutes of my life. That was fucking fantastic 217 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:33,420 Fantastic, I enjoyed it. Oh, I'll let you know next time it happens 218 00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:35,740 Yeah, please it will inevitably happen again 219 00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:42,780 I think as I get older my belly's just a little bit shit and or maybe i'm coming a bit incompetent. You're only in your 30s 220 00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:48,540 You're only in your fucking 30s. Yeah, I know but obviously it has to start getting worse at some point 221 00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:54,380 And then obviously it's just getting worse now because I never used to shit myself and now it's happened. I think twice this year 222 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:58,940 Yeah, both in the bathroom, which is where you should do it. It's been the toilet 223 00:16:59,180 --> 00:17:01,820 That's exactly where the best place to put yourself 224 00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:05,260 In your bathroom. Yeah 225 00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:12,380 Yeah, I'm not bothered. All I know is i'm a bit more wary trying to push a fart out like to make a big noise now 226 00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:14,780 Because i'm just like well, hold on 227 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,940 Is my belly funny have I eaten something dodgy where I was back in my youth? 228 00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:25,580 I'd be cocking my leg and blasting out thunder farts all over the place years ago fucking lucy was at mcdonald's and she fucking 229 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:28,220 Was filming herself 230 00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:29,820 She was talking 231 00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:32,700 Um in the car and then she had a fart coming 232 00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:37,020 She's like, oh i've got a fart like oh fart coming and she panned the camera around to her asshole 233 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:42,140 And then farted and you hear the poo exit her asshole and then she brings it back up 234 00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:45,820 She's like I just shit myself and then had to drive back and yeah, she'd shit herself 235 00:17:45,820 --> 00:17:49,980 Yeah, it's fantastic. It's a video that comes up every now and then because you can just hear the squelch 236 00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,460 The poo coming out her asshole 237 00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:57,580 Poo's so funny, man. It's so fantastic. Just don't touch it 238 00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:05,980 Don't touch the poo although I did pick up my poo once 239 00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:10,620 Then you squish it in a bag. I squished it in my hand through my bare fingers 240 00:18:10,620 --> 00:18:15,500 Because what it was in a bag it was in my hand just pure poo poo poo 241 00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:18,860 I thought it was in a bag. No, no, it's just actual log 242 00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:20,940 What do you mean? 243 00:18:20,940 --> 00:18:25,580 It's another story that comes up multiple times a year. It's coming up today. What is this? 244 00:18:25,820 --> 00:18:31,100 I always thought that you'd shat because I heard that rumor when I first entered this world of what we do 245 00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,420 and 246 00:18:33,420 --> 00:18:39,180 I was always there was there was a couple of people saying no it was in it was in pure hand to pure poo 247 00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:43,980 But then there was other people saying no it was in a bag and you squelched a bag because don't you remember that time? 248 00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:49,660 We was on site and you was a bit late and when you rocked up you threw a fucking bin bag into the into the 249 00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:52,220 Shit, we was putting mud in 250 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,540 Because you'd had a shit in it 251 00:18:54,540 --> 00:19:00,620 That sounds like something I'd do well. It was you I remember it was the same day when you had to come with me in the fucking 252 00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:07,820 In the um in the cab star and I was really nervous because you were still fucking terrifying and I nearly tipped the fucking thing 253 00:19:07,820 --> 00:19:09,820 No, I don't know but yeah, it sounds like me 254 00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:16,140 But yeah, I've done that. Why did you poo in your hands? Well, I didn't poo in my hand. It was a very cold day 255 00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:23,980 All right. I needed a poo. Okay. We was at work. Yeah, so I've done a poo. Okay. It was a very impressive poo 256 00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:31,660 Right. I called one of my pals over and look at my poo. He went whoa. I was like I know and it was very steamy 257 00:19:31,980 --> 00:19:36,300 Yeah, there's just because it was so cold and it just exited my asshole 258 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,300 It was very hot 259 00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:43,820 And it was like it was a perfect poo, you know, no blemish just smooth shit 260 00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:47,980 And it was like perfectly shaped and he went pick it up 261 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,620 I was like, yeah, fuck it. Why not? 262 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:58,060 I picked it up. But as I said, it was perfect. There was no shit on my hand 263 00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:03,980 It was like the perfect shit. There was no residue. There's no droppage of poo. You roll it like this 264 00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:12,060 No poo coming off. What do you mean? You were rolling your poo like a play dough. Yeah, like a play dough. There was no poo coming off 265 00:20:14,220 --> 00:20:17,820 Buttery smooth. Yeah, and then I don't know why 266 00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:23,820 The overwhelming urge come over me to squeeze it and I just went 267 00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,740 And it just went through all my fingers and I went ah 268 00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:32,140 And then the problem was I had shit on my hand 269 00:20:32,140 --> 00:20:39,420 And I had to clean it. I wiped it on leaves and stuff. It just it was not coming off. So I had to go to 270 00:20:40,460 --> 00:20:43,260 the office, A office and 271 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:51,740 Covered my hand walking. I just need to use the toilet. I used boiling hot water to like burn my hand basically 272 00:20:52,220 --> 00:20:56,780 To to get the shit off and even though my hand was completely clean 273 00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:00,620 I could still smell shit for like the whole day. It just would not go 274 00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:07,260 It was disgusting means that someone uh, someone had a video of it the geezer that said he recorded it, but 275 00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,460 I don't know. Hopefully that video's just disappeared now 276 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:18,220 Is everybody everybody that ever works in the place or everyone knows me every year at least once everyone brings up 277 00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:23,180 The shit in the end, you know, I don't want to be the known as the guy that squeezed his own shit 278 00:21:23,260 --> 00:21:25,260 But I guess I am 279 00:21:25,260 --> 00:21:27,260 Just 280 00:21:28,860 --> 00:21:30,860 What the fuck are we doing 281 00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,500 How long we've been recording is about 30 minutes 282 00:21:37,580 --> 00:21:42,300 It's fantastic, this is what the people want this is the type of shit that is perfect 283 00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:45,740 So it's so versatile because everyone loves poo 284 00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:54,380 There's not a single person in this world who doesn't love poo and isn't fascinated in some way shape or form by poo 285 00:21:54,380 --> 00:22:00,780 So so we can use this episode whenever we want wherever we want as a highlight 286 00:22:01,180 --> 00:22:07,020 This is never getting posted on the on the official thing. It will do it will it just will is it it has to it's got 287 00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:09,820 That stamp for it whenever there's a when 288 00:22:10,540 --> 00:22:16,540 The inevitable time happens where we need to do a patreon for the people because we can't be fucked to do the podcast like normally 289 00:22:17,020 --> 00:22:22,300 Or something happens one of us dies then we'll have to we'll have to send something out and it's gonna 290 00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:24,300 Yeah, sorry, it's gonna be this 291 00:22:27,820 --> 00:22:33,020 It's not though, it's funny now, but it's not funny is it it's disgusting this is 292 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:40,300 Oh, this is exactly the kind of stuff where when you become famous your pr team fucking looks for like i'll get rid of this 293 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:43,180 Yeah, this needs this needs to be gone. This needs to be scrubbed 294 00:22:43,740 --> 00:22:48,700 Literally, this this needs to disappear because this is gonna be an issue then at the same point 295 00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:53,980 I don't give a fuck where you just told me that you don't want it to be posted really but in the reality 296 00:22:54,060 --> 00:23:00,780 Why I don't care. Yes, i've shit myself multiple times. Yes. I've shit in the bed. Yes. I've shit and squeeze it in my hand 297 00:23:01,020 --> 00:23:04,380 I don't care to be honest with you. I really don't care 298 00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:09,340 You know, it's just one of the moments. I was like fuck it squeeze the last time you sat in the bed 299 00:23:09,420 --> 00:23:13,100 It was a couple years ago. It was probably like I thought you were supposed to say a couple of weeks 300 00:23:13,180 --> 00:23:16,220 How old's my daughter so it's probably like five years ago 301 00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:20,300 Yeah, but I don't believe that was true. Anyway, I think that was made up 302 00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:23,420 What's this conspiracy? 303 00:23:23,420 --> 00:23:25,180 What do you mean? 304 00:23:25,180 --> 00:23:26,620 No 305 00:23:26,620 --> 00:23:31,740 I was very drunk. You're an enigma. You're so great. I was very drunk and fucking 306 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:34,620 Uh jerem come pick me up 307 00:23:35,100 --> 00:23:41,420 And then took me back home because he was living at her mom's then and she like dragged me in and I collapsed on the light 308 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:49,200 Radiator in the hallway. Yeah, and then I stepped dad come and dragged me into the bedroom like like he's so he's got his arms 309 00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:50,960 underneath my 310 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,040 In my armpits and like dragging me my feet like just dragging it on the floor 311 00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:03,200 Slumped me in bed jem's come undressed me completely butt naked and I remember like I was laying 312 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:10,000 On my front with my head like to the side and I remember laying there thinking i'm gonna be sick 313 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:14,960 But and I knew where I was I was very pissed. Yeah, I was like, I can't even be bothered 314 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:19,040 To like move my head off the side of the bed. I was just gonna be sick here 315 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,000 So I just started throwing up where I was just laying in it just 316 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:28,160 And her mate heard me because the bedroom backed onto their front room 317 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:33,840 She's like jem master's being sick so jem came in flipped me over pulled all the sick out my mouth 318 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:40,160 Because in case I choked on it and then yeah, and then I woke up in the morning 319 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,440 And yeah, she said I pissed and shit the bed 320 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,560 And I had to buy a new mattress 321 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,880 So it cost me like 200 quid for a new mattress 322 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,420 But I think yeah, I probably pissed the bed 323 00:24:54,420 --> 00:24:59,160 But I don't think I shit the bed and she but then she said, you know, I need to get a new mattress 324 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,920 So what do you think happened? Why do you think you shit the bed? 325 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:07,000 I just don't think I did I don't think I could shit the bed. I pissed the bed. Sure 326 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,440 Did I shit the bed? I don't think there weren't any visual evidence 327 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:15,480 You woke up in the morning because she got me straight up because her uncle was coming around to decorate the bedroom 328 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,640 um 329 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,320 And yeah, she was like get up get up get up and obviously when you're drunk and hungover 330 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,400 What's happening? 331 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:27,960 I'd straight out into the front room just covered up on the duvet just like watching match of the day 332 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:32,440 And uh, she's like you need to get a new mattress. You've pissed and shit everywhere 333 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,920 Fucking hell 334 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,880 Sorry, I don't drink no more. This is good 335 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,920 pissing shit no more 336 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:47,480 This is the perfect insight that people pay for they want to get to know us better and they're knowing us 337 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,040 Inside and out. Yeah, this is great 338 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:58,040 But yeah, that's just you know, 90 percent of my poos go in the toilet 339 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:04,040 My statements that my statistic 340 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,320 I'd say 341 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:23,480 Stats I'd say 90 percent of my poos go in the toilet eight percent are in the back of the vans and two percent miscellaneous 342 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:31,320 So that's not bad is it two out of every hundred shits could be anywhere 343 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:36,280 Eight out of every hundred are in the back of the van and the rest are in the toilet. Yeah 344 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,280 Yeah 345 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:48,680 I love it so much. This is this is exactly what I want. This is fantastic 346 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:54,920 We have to bump up his patreon process for this top quality content for this fucking shit talking 347 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,720 This is so let us know when you shit yourself because I know you have yeah 348 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,760 I know you have I know mark always tells me like 349 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:06,520 You know when you wake up mid of the night and you bust him for a piss 350 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:10,440 He does it where he's busting for a shit and I'm trying to say never had that 351 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:16,520 I've never i've never had that I think something's wrong with him because i've never woken up mid mid sleep and going 352 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:21,480 I need a shit. I'm gonna shit. I need to shit if anything sometimes very rarely 353 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:25,400 I wake up need a piss and like no, I don't want to wake up go back to sleep 354 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:26,760 And I force myself to go back to sleep 355 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:31,640 So I don't need to go for a piss or you go up to go for a piss and you like try and keep your eyes shut 356 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,040 As much as possible so you can go straight back to sleep 357 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:39,080 Yeah, no, i've never needed a shit in the middle of the night. See I've never had that though if I wake up and I need a piss 358 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:44,840 I can wake up fucking wide-eyed flick all the lights on and go have a piss and then just go straight back to sleep 359 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,360 Jump in the bed and go straight back to sleep. I don't know weird 360 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:50,680 Well, i'm not that talented 361 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:54,280 Maybe that's because my mom used to take me to pubs when I was an infant. So i'm like a dog 362 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,680 I'm just used to loud noises and bright lights 363 00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:58,680 Oh 364 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:06,840 Yeah, yeah, it's not normal i've never woken up leading a shit like like unless you got a bad gut so and even then 365 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,520 I can't remember ever waking up desperate for a poo 366 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:15,560 I've only ever had the shits once and that was quite recently and i've never experienced anything like it. That is biblical 367 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:21,720 That that's that's I used to always think that if you had the shits years old just hold it just hold it you can't hold 368 00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,360 That it's incredible. That's 369 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:27,560 The only time in my adult life where i've actually shit myself 370 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:31,720 Yeah, having the shit so I was running to the toilet and just let a fart out 371 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:37,800 There was no there I couldn't save it. It was either this year or late last year where I experienced my first ever like 372 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:42,120 Stomach bug I think and the shits because i've always said i've had the shits 373 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:48,200 But i've just had like a bit of diarrhea or something but to the extent where I had like agonizing belly pain 374 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:49,000 Oh mate 375 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:53,240 And i'd be like rushing to the toilet and it just you you feel like you want to cry 376 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:58,040 I'm like there's no more shit left in what's coming out just literally that juice or something 377 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,240 Because mine was stomach acid coming out my ass 378 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:06,200 I'd been in fucking hospital and they'd put about eight fucking saline bags through me. I was 379 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:12,840 They'd proper clean me out. I basically had an enema through fucking ivy. I was done it and um 380 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:13,880 And yeah 381 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:18,440 The pills that they put me on the side effects was that they fuck your stomach because they had to give me one 382 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:20,520 There was two pills one of them 383 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:26,120 Salts you out with the other one protects your stomach. Otherwise, it completely fucks it. So you have to take them at the same time 384 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:28,440 and yeah this 385 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:35,880 Brother these pills the stomach ache that I had but the pain like you just said I was in agony sitting on the toilet 386 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,600 There's no there's nothing coming out, but it's still like 387 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:43,560 Like when you've when you've been throwing up, but there's nothing left to come out, but your body's still throwing up 388 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:47,800 Yeah, it's throwing up. So there's no there's nothing coming out here. Oh my god 389 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:50,520 I've got nothing left my asshole 390 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,360 Wiping all the time 391 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:57,720 Oh my god, we all live the same life 392 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:02,520 I mean to an extent because i'm not pooing in the bed or in the bath or anything like that 393 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,400 We all do the same shit just some don't admit it 394 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:10,760 We've all the only what the only caveat is a lot of people probably haven't squeezed their own poo or held it 395 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:14,440 But everyone shit, that's a unique one. You get a little emblem for that 396 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:18,760 But I say that was I I was egged on by a pal go and pick shit up pick shit up 397 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:23,400 It's like fuck it. Yeah, why not? It's just bouncing it then the squeezing part was just an 398 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,280 You know urge that came over me because it was cold and my poo was hot 399 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:33,080 And it's just steamy. I just want to know what the plan was for if you had if you didn't squeeze it 400 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:36,920 You would have still had to have cleaned your hands after yeah, but there was no shit on it 401 00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:39,080 As I say it was like the perfect poo is no 402 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,480 You could have like rubbed it between your hands but not split it and you would have had no shit on your hand 403 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,960 It was just the sputteriest smoothest thing 404 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:51,960 Just texture, you know, that's one thing that i've never experienced. I was squatting down and having a shit. That's yeah 405 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:57,160 I've never done that. I've done that plenty of times comes out a lot easier. You have to man 406 00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:02,280 Sometimes you just get caught short and you know a line of work. Yeah, there's no toilets nearby 407 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:05,320 So you just got to make do with your environment. I'm not getting caught short 408 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:10,040 I I did used to carry around the toilet roll with me just in case but good luck never 409 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:14,520 Anticipated multi-pack and never anticipated using it, but mark's used all that the fucking blow his nose 410 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:19,000 So if I ever do need to have a shit I can't because there is nothing for me to fucking sort myself out 411 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,440 I probably would just take my boxes off and wipe my ass with them and then throw them 412 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:34,120 Everyone's done it clarkie. Fuck me. He he got so pissy. He told me the next morning 413 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:36,600 He woke up. He's shit on the wall 414 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:43,960 Yeah, he just said he's fucking there's poo on the wall he got in the bathroom and there was poo on the wall 415 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:49,400 He just takes it in the morning. There's poo on the wall not behind the i'll get more context. I'll speak to him 416 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:53,000 I can't remember the exact reason but I don't even know if it's in the bathroom 417 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:57,080 I just remember him saying he's so pissed. There's shit on the wall. I was like 418 00:31:58,200 --> 00:31:59,640 whatever 419 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:01,880 Must have been a fucking enjoyable experience 420 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:06,280 It's right. I don't know. I don't know what had happened. But yeah, this is 421 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,320 Fucking shit happens to me. It's great 422 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:13,640 When you need to go you need to go. I don't know why it's gone on the wall, but it has and here we are 423 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:15,800 I think we leave that here. Yeah 424 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:21,480 It's been insightful. It's fantastic. Here's the best one yet. I'll pay for this 425 00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:25,560 I would pay for that all the others you you anyone you're not listening 426 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:31,800 You've been fucking scabbed through the other podcast episodes, but this one this one's worth the fucking dollar. Yeah 427 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:34,680 Let us know if you've ever shit yourself 428 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:41,000 Yeah, I want to know the context. I want to know consistency the smell the taste the fucking feel he's doing poo reviews for a while 429 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:47,560 I'm not sending you poo reviews. You were sending me poo reviews. Yeah proper in-depth like five minute voice notes 430 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:50,520 Yeah, and it was giving them ratings and stuff 431 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:54,520 It's decent five, you know, whatever is a comfortable one was a squeezer 432 00:32:54,520 --> 00:33:01,000 Wiper there's there's many variables, you know, I think it's just a thing that geezers like how was your shit? 433 00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:06,840 Because it's not very many enjoyable moments throughout the day you get but having that poo and you get in it's a good feeling 434 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,480 Yeah, because I don't I I struggle to have a poo in the morning 435 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,680 So my poo is my first poo of the day is normally around three o'clock 436 00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:15,480 So when I get home through them doors 437 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:19,800 Yeah, if I could make it if I could make it throughout the whole day without shitting when I get home 438 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:23,880 Yeah, there's just it's just carnage. I'm kicking everyone out of the way. Yeah, I need toilet toilet toilet 439 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:25,880 straight door shut 440 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,440 And then sometimes you need it so bad. It don't come out 441 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:33,960 Mental, I don't know. Fuck it shit happens. We've been watching buttons. This has been fantastic 442 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:37,960 Um, let us know about your poo endeavors and we'll fucking see you next week. Everyone. See you later 443 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:53,960 Oh, oh poo