I swear to God, this is like the night take to try and do this. All I'm trying to do is do a little intro
For patron for the people the prince among men isn't here. He's engaged in other business, which is absolutely fine
Me and Steph are recording an episode on the weekend. I'm releasing one of the patron episodes
today Friday
To bless your ear holes with it's all about ass-shitting himself
Just a little taster into the patron world of what's the buttons top quality stuff
This episode has virtually nothing about gaming. It's all about bowel movements. So sit back
Listen, and hopefully this doesn't switch you off from our podcast. Enjoy
Hello everyone and welcome to the patron episode of what's the buttons?
This is where we do it properly. This is our
our
Non explicit episode
No swearing
Yeah, yeah, that's what non explicit means yeah, that's what we're going for
We haven't planned this episode at all, which is very out of the ordinary for us over at what's the buttons HQ?
so we're going to free flow this and
Come up with it on the spot
Yes, take it away
No, cuz I don't have a fucking clue what to talk about. I'm so hungry. Oh, yeah, I
had today the
Double quarter pounder with cheese and barbecue sauce from McDonald's and I have to tell you it's fucking
Phenomenal it's exactly what every man woman child alien
Because America's said that they're real now once in a burger. It's fantastic
the barbecue sauce is an absolute winner the only bit that I will add which is a little bit of a
of a um a
What's the fucking word?
What's the word
Criticism is that the size of the burger the sauce don't cover the whole burger
We can get a little bit dry on the edges, but if you if you bring some barbecue sauce with you that won't be an issue
I'm gonna be honest. I don't know McDonald's. So yeah, shout me all you want. Okay?
That's my belly rumbles in the jungles
So
What are you doing carry on my belly's gonna rub no no cuz I won't be able to hear it
No, this is ridiculous. Carry on. Oh, you're not fucking fucking phone and help me then you can't know you're about to shout
Why don't you just fucking help me then what just sit in there scrolling?
You're not doing anything help me cuz you're about to shout at me that I don't like McDonald's
No, I'm not about to shout you like McDonald's about shout you because you're not helping me. I'm fucking sinking ship here
I need some help
Yeah, I don't know McDonald's there you go. It sucks. Do you fuck KFC? You're fuck you boy. You're wrong, but well, yeah, you go
Okay, I say they got the new teriyaki burger. Yeah, but
slap on that
But I don't like takeaways
I
Want about takeaways?
Jesus Christ, what do you mean? Who doesn't like takeaways me? I think they're shit. No, you're lying to yourself
What is this? What why?
No one wants to hear your stomach rumbling. They won't be able to hear it. It's not loud enough. Oh
It's loud. It's not I
Like dominoes
That's a takeaway right there. Everyone loves dominoes. I like fish and chips mark prefers Pizza Hut. I don't give a fuck what Mark prefers
No, we all care what mark prefers. I
like
This is awful big red button to stop this episode
pathetic I like
Mando's is for fucking 12 year olds Nando's is awful. I
like
milkshakes I
Feel like any place that's making me pay full price, but I have to go and get my own cutlery is wrong. I
like
Like ham and cheese sandwiches from Tesco's
And cheesy Doritos
Dairy milk and Maltesers
Choc Isis
I had a choc ice in fucking ages
I love it. Do they do them still? Of course they do yeah
I've got new one with like half choc ice halfway for us to go. Yeah, isn't that called a maxibon probably?
I don't know what it's called
But we get them from Aldi's and Jim has to buy like two or three boxes cuz I'm months out three or four after dinner
You go through him. I'll go through him. Oh my god
Mad geezer shit itself today at work
You turn up
Bearing in mind what in your gang? Yeah. Well, yeah kind of barely Matt. No bearing in mind
fucking he's got pants on and
You know trousers that are very protective. Yeah, he had a massive wet patch through
His trousers are very protective. Oh shit himself. He had to drive somewhere
They would have heard that
I'm hungry
So he shit himself
He had to drive to a car park right at the end and then hide behind his vehicle and wipe his bum
And the most disgusting part of it all was don't tell me he's fucking wearing the same shit
He put his pants back on. Oh my god
Cleaned them with what don't know tissue. I guess he's got tissue in the motor
Proper shitty side never shit myself away. Yeah, never shit myself. Why did he shit himself?
He was on site and then he shit himself. He was on his way to site and they just did a little fart
And then he uh, yeah, and then he was like, whoa, that's a poo
Was it like a full-on poo?
Just like he just said he probably well obviously enough of he fucking had a wet patch on his ass
Did you see the wet patch? Yeah. Yeah, it's all wet. Oh my he was like
That's from where I was wiping it. But no, that was like proper proper schizanhauer proper shit
That is incredible
Yeah, there's a lot it was a lot but I was you know, what the worst thing is
He said as soon as he done it he went. Oh, no, i've done an ash
I've done an ash. I don't want to be known as the shit. Why are you?
Knows the guy that shits himself. I don't know i'm not. Is it always shitting in the van? No, no, no
No, just because you know, i'm not i'll just say sometimes I fart and then poo comes out but not like poo. He just
You know like oh shit it's water water poo
Like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not skirting over that one
What do you mean? No, no, no, how often does that happen? No, not that often I shit on the uh,
In the on the bath mat the other day. I'll tell you about that
What's happening?
I just deleted that picture as well
today
No, what do you mean you shit on the bath mat? Can you get your your deleted photos up on on your phone?
No, well, i'm sure you might be able to
Why did you just drop that?
Like nothing's happened. What do you mean? I um, yeah, no i've got out the bath
This is gonna be one patron for the people
I got out the bath and
You know when you fart when you got a wet wet body they'll nail me like rippers, yeah
So I thought well, is he gonna be a good one?
So I was drying my hair with a towel and thought it's gonna be a big fart
So I put like one leg up on the bath
To like do one of them massive farts. Yeah, and I just shit
It just went
Did you send it to jammer?
No, no, no the uh
Uh, have you sent it to anyone? No because I didn't want to pay them sick of people having that shit over me
Had you just farted and shat on the phone was it a big shit? No, it was that's what I mean. It doesn't
Right conscious slettings drop down menu
Uh, um, uh, why did you delete it? Why would you delete something? I'm gonna be able to find it because
Why did you lift your leg up for the well because I was wet so I knew
When you're wet, you got a wet bum when you fart it's gonna go like
It's gonna be a proper good one
Isn't it the same you've just dried the hairs on your head and then you for all let me put my leg up on the bath
Then strained for a fart and i've just shat
If you saw that with no context
When you just saw it from the back end of you rather than the front end so you didn't see your face
All you'd see is a fully grown man
Drying himself after a bath
Put one leg up on the bath
And just shit on the mat
Like some kind of dominance thing
I own this bath
Like a fox
I shit on the floor on the bath mat and the worst thing was I said, oh no, so I sat on the toilet wipe my bum
Um cleaning myself up a little bit. He sat on the toilet with a wet ass. Yeah, I was still wet. I was just drying my hair fuming
and then the worst thing was
I went into the
Into the kitchen
And with the bath mat rolled up, yeah, and I was like this has got to go in a bin
Um, and she was like why I was like I just shit on it
But the thing was she just went ah fuck's sake
There was no like what do you mean you've shit on it there's no questions well for fuck's sake oh fuck's sake
I
Know we got a new bath mat
Oh jam, i'm just gonna go have a bath love
All right, i'll be i'll be back in about 40 odd minutes and then he just come out dripping wet
We were rolled up bath mat and said this needs to go in the bin of shit on it
Yeah
I'm glad you find you've got to understand how funny it is. It's so funny
Oh, i'm starting to feel like the weirdo because I don't shit myself
You poo in places you're not supposed to poo so much. No, but yeah, but nah man, not really
The way you said it making it sound like you're a victim
Nah man, no, because um, yeah, no you're making it sound like uh, like I just shit everywhere, but I don't
Know I can't find the phone. Oh god. It's a shame
Did it at least make a cool sound like exited? Yeah, no splattered doing
It was like proper light splash
And then yeah, I was like, oh fuck and then I looked in there
It's just like shit on the on the carpet thing. What was it just like watery?
Yeah, it's a watery thing. But like I say, it was no I didn't have bad belly
Because what happened was I had dinner had a bath then obviously cocked my leg up
It just shot out
I was like, oh no, it's a white one bum sat on the toilet
Yeah, and then just solid shit come out
So why is this watery shit just come shooting out my ass and now i'm sitting down
I'm having a proper probably the water that you've ingested in your arsehole from having a bath
And then it's just mixed with your poo
come out and then you go
Imagine if it was a solid poo if you come out the bathroom like you're holding a subway sandwich
It's wrapped up a get of poo. Yeah, that's what it was anyway
So yeah, she just put that in the bin and now we've got a new bath mat
So yeah, that's that story I thought I told you it's fantastic that never changed
It's so great
oh
Yeah, so now i've shit in the bath and out the bath. Yeah. Yeah, but it's just been normal now. So
Jem's just like oh fucking here we go
Here we go here we go again stef's like that every time I fucking accidentally pissed the bed
Yeah, it's happened. It's happened too many times for you know, I mean where it's just got obviously
Haven't done it for for a while now
But yeah the last time I was just like, um
I'm not long ago. Well that long ago the last time I fucking pissed the bed
I didn't even didn't even realize I'd pissed the bed. It was so hot. I thought I was just sweaty
No, I just pissed the bed. Yeah, but the time before that. Yeah, I woke stef up and I was like i'm fucking i'm 26
See, we're all weird. See i'm 26. What's going on? We've all got our little quirks
What do you mean? I don't do that like like my one's weirder than what you've done
You just come on the path and just projectile shatter. I didn't mean to I went to fart
Like you didn't mean to piss the bed. It sounds so much more incredible in my head
If I imagine it as if you did mean to do it
It's just a stack of bath mats in the bin
Yeah, jammer i'm just gonna have a bath and then just hand you a brand new mat on your way in there you go mate
Clean up after you gotta do what you need to do, lad
I'm just gonna do it
Anyway to alleviate some stress so this so just gauge on the way to work let a fart out and full on shit himself
Yeah, did he have to drive far before he got the site sitting on his shit? I don't know. No. Yeah
I don't know how far away he was maybe like 15 minutes
But he like I say pulled into a car park and done it in there and sorted himself out
But it's the fact that he wore the same box. I know that's just throw them away
Yeah, just wipe your bum with them and get rid of because I would have
I'd imagine you got gorilla wipes in your setup or you got some kind of
Nah, we ain't but I haven't because i'm not a swipe thing. Yeah, but they must be knocking around somewhere
We'll just fucking industrial gorilla wipes just wipe it without throwing the boxes away
Fling them on the site so someone else has to come with a little picker and pick them up
Just add a little bit of spice to the day
And then just wipe the trousers with that
I'll bet you get a car hole in them bin bags and fucking wear that and then put your trousers on over it
I just find that crazy that he kept his boxes
Was that fucking Matt's log that you remember that massive log he produced what the fuck was that
Yeah, because I sent it to a load of people last week
I can't believe that come out his fucking ass. It was huge, wasn't it? That was a massive poo. Oh god
That was huge and then you got fucking Jimmy shitting on his own arm. What is this company?
on his own head
It's fucking shat on his arm and then because he was so sweaty wipe the sweat off his head and wipe poo on him
I got a bad belly
We're all
Pissing and shitting but some people are just too shy to admit it. I don't give a fucking monkeys. Oh god that um
That was the greatest 15 minutes of my life. That was fucking fantastic
Fantastic, I enjoyed it. Oh, I'll let you know next time it happens
Yeah, please it will inevitably happen again
I think as I get older my belly's just a little bit shit and or maybe i'm coming a bit incompetent. You're only in your 30s
You're only in your fucking 30s. Yeah, I know but obviously it has to start getting worse at some point
And then obviously it's just getting worse now because I never used to shit myself and now it's happened. I think twice this year
Yeah, both in the bathroom, which is where you should do it. It's been the toilet
That's exactly where the best place to put yourself
In your bathroom. Yeah
Yeah, I'm not bothered. All I know is i'm a bit more wary trying to push a fart out like to make a big noise now
Because i'm just like well, hold on
Is my belly funny have I eaten something dodgy where I was back in my youth?
I'd be cocking my leg and blasting out thunder farts all over the place years ago fucking lucy was at mcdonald's and she fucking
Was filming herself
She was talking
Um in the car and then she had a fart coming
She's like, oh i've got a fart like oh fart coming and she panned the camera around to her asshole
And then farted and you hear the poo exit her asshole and then she brings it back up
She's like I just shit myself and then had to drive back and yeah, she'd shit herself
Yeah, it's fantastic. It's a video that comes up every now and then because you can just hear the squelch
The poo coming out her asshole
Poo's so funny, man. It's so fantastic. Just don't touch it
Don't touch the poo although I did pick up my poo once
Then you squish it in a bag. I squished it in my hand through my bare fingers
Because what it was in a bag it was in my hand just pure poo poo poo
I thought it was in a bag. No, no, it's just actual log
What do you mean?
It's another story that comes up multiple times a year. It's coming up today. What is this?
I always thought that you'd shat because I heard that rumor when I first entered this world of what we do
and
I was always there was there was a couple of people saying no it was in it was in pure hand to pure poo
But then there was other people saying no it was in a bag and you squelched a bag because don't you remember that time?
We was on site and you was a bit late and when you rocked up you threw a fucking bin bag into the into the
Shit, we was putting mud in
Because you'd had a shit in it
That sounds like something I'd do well. It was you I remember it was the same day when you had to come with me in the fucking
In the um in the cab star and I was really nervous because you were still fucking terrifying and I nearly tipped the fucking thing
No, I don't know but yeah, it sounds like me
But yeah, I've done that. Why did you poo in your hands? Well, I didn't poo in my hand. It was a very cold day
All right. I needed a poo. Okay. We was at work. Yeah, so I've done a poo. Okay. It was a very impressive poo
Right. I called one of my pals over and look at my poo. He went whoa. I was like I know and it was very steamy
Yeah, there's just because it was so cold and it just exited my asshole
It was very hot
And it was like it was a perfect poo, you know, no blemish just smooth shit
And it was like perfectly shaped and he went pick it up
I was like, yeah, fuck it. Why not?
I picked it up. But as I said, it was perfect. There was no shit on my hand
It was like the perfect shit. There was no residue. There's no droppage of poo. You roll it like this
No poo coming off. What do you mean? You were rolling your poo like a play dough. Yeah, like a play dough. There was no poo coming off
Buttery smooth. Yeah, and then I don't know why
The overwhelming urge come over me to squeeze it and I just went
And it just went through all my fingers and I went ah
And then the problem was I had shit on my hand
And I had to clean it. I wiped it on leaves and stuff. It just it was not coming off. So I had to go to
the office, A office and
Covered my hand walking. I just need to use the toilet. I used boiling hot water to like burn my hand basically
To to get the shit off and even though my hand was completely clean
I could still smell shit for like the whole day. It just would not go
It was disgusting means that someone uh, someone had a video of it the geezer that said he recorded it, but
I don't know. Hopefully that video's just disappeared now
Is everybody everybody that ever works in the place or everyone knows me every year at least once everyone brings up
The shit in the end, you know, I don't want to be the known as the guy that squeezed his own shit
But I guess I am
Just
What the fuck are we doing
How long we've been recording is about 30 minutes
It's fantastic, this is what the people want this is the type of shit that is perfect
So it's so versatile because everyone loves poo
There's not a single person in this world who doesn't love poo and isn't fascinated in some way shape or form by poo
So so we can use this episode whenever we want wherever we want as a highlight
This is never getting posted on the on the official thing. It will do it will it just will is it it has to it's got
That stamp for it whenever there's a when
The inevitable time happens where we need to do a patreon for the people because we can't be fucked to do the podcast like normally
Or something happens one of us dies then we'll have to we'll have to send something out and it's gonna
Yeah, sorry, it's gonna be this
It's not though, it's funny now, but it's not funny is it it's disgusting this is
Oh, this is exactly the kind of stuff where when you become famous your pr team fucking looks for like i'll get rid of this
Yeah, this needs this needs to be gone. This needs to be scrubbed
Literally, this this needs to disappear because this is gonna be an issue then at the same point
I don't give a fuck where you just told me that you don't want it to be posted really but in the reality
Why I don't care. Yes, i've shit myself multiple times. Yes. I've shit in the bed. Yes. I've shit and squeeze it in my hand
I don't care to be honest with you. I really don't care
You know, it's just one of the moments. I was like fuck it squeeze the last time you sat in the bed
It was a couple years ago. It was probably like I thought you were supposed to say a couple of weeks
How old's my daughter so it's probably like five years ago
Yeah, but I don't believe that was true. Anyway, I think that was made up
What's this conspiracy?
What do you mean?
No
I was very drunk. You're an enigma. You're so great. I was very drunk and fucking
Uh jerem come pick me up
And then took me back home because he was living at her mom's then and she like dragged me in and I collapsed on the light
Radiator in the hallway. Yeah, and then I stepped dad come and dragged me into the bedroom like like he's so he's got his arms
underneath my
In my armpits and like dragging me my feet like just dragging it on the floor
Slumped me in bed jem's come undressed me completely butt naked and I remember like I was laying
On my front with my head like to the side and I remember laying there thinking i'm gonna be sick
But and I knew where I was I was very pissed. Yeah, I was like, I can't even be bothered
To like move my head off the side of the bed. I was just gonna be sick here
So I just started throwing up where I was just laying in it just
And her mate heard me because the bedroom backed onto their front room
She's like jem master's being sick so jem came in flipped me over pulled all the sick out my mouth
Because in case I choked on it and then yeah, and then I woke up in the morning
And yeah, she said I pissed and shit the bed
And I had to buy a new mattress
So it cost me like 200 quid for a new mattress
But I think yeah, I probably pissed the bed
But I don't think I shit the bed and she but then she said, you know, I need to get a new mattress
So what do you think happened? Why do you think you shit the bed?
I just don't think I did I don't think I could shit the bed. I pissed the bed. Sure
Did I shit the bed? I don't think there weren't any visual evidence
You woke up in the morning because she got me straight up because her uncle was coming around to decorate the bedroom
um
And yeah, she was like get up get up get up and obviously when you're drunk and hungover
What's happening?
I'd straight out into the front room just covered up on the duvet just like watching match of the day
And uh, she's like you need to get a new mattress. You've pissed and shit everywhere
Fucking hell
Sorry, I don't drink no more. This is good
pissing shit no more
This is the perfect insight that people pay for they want to get to know us better and they're knowing us
Inside and out. Yeah, this is great
But yeah, that's just you know, 90 percent of my poos go in the toilet
My statements that my statistic
I'd say
Stats I'd say 90 percent of my poos go in the toilet eight percent are in the back of the vans and two percent miscellaneous
So that's not bad is it two out of every hundred shits could be anywhere
Eight out of every hundred are in the back of the van and the rest are in the toilet. Yeah
Yeah
I love it so much. This is this is exactly what I want. This is fantastic
We have to bump up his patreon process for this top quality content for this fucking shit talking
This is so let us know when you shit yourself because I know you have yeah
I know you have I know mark always tells me like
You know when you wake up mid of the night and you bust him for a piss
He does it where he's busting for a shit and I'm trying to say never had that
I've never i've never had that I think something's wrong with him because i've never woken up mid mid sleep and going
I need a shit. I'm gonna shit. I need to shit if anything sometimes very rarely
I wake up need a piss and like no, I don't want to wake up go back to sleep
And I force myself to go back to sleep
So I don't need to go for a piss or you go up to go for a piss and you like try and keep your eyes shut
As much as possible so you can go straight back to sleep
Yeah, no, i've never needed a shit in the middle of the night. See I've never had that though if I wake up and I need a piss
I can wake up fucking wide-eyed flick all the lights on and go have a piss and then just go straight back to sleep
Jump in the bed and go straight back to sleep. I don't know weird
Well, i'm not that talented
Maybe that's because my mom used to take me to pubs when I was an infant. So i'm like a dog
I'm just used to loud noises and bright lights
Oh
Yeah, yeah, it's not normal i've never woken up leading a shit like like unless you got a bad gut so and even then
I can't remember ever waking up desperate for a poo
I've only ever had the shits once and that was quite recently and i've never experienced anything like it. That is biblical
That that's that's I used to always think that if you had the shits years old just hold it just hold it you can't hold
That it's incredible. That's
The only time in my adult life where i've actually shit myself
Yeah, having the shit so I was running to the toilet and just let a fart out
There was no there I couldn't save it. It was either this year or late last year where I experienced my first ever like
Stomach bug I think and the shits because i've always said i've had the shits
But i've just had like a bit of diarrhea or something but to the extent where I had like agonizing belly pain
Oh mate
And i'd be like rushing to the toilet and it just you you feel like you want to cry
I'm like there's no more shit left in what's coming out just literally that juice or something
Because mine was stomach acid coming out my ass
I'd been in fucking hospital and they'd put about eight fucking saline bags through me. I was
They'd proper clean me out. I basically had an enema through fucking ivy. I was done it and um
And yeah
The pills that they put me on the side effects was that they fuck your stomach because they had to give me one
There was two pills one of them
Salts you out with the other one protects your stomach. Otherwise, it completely fucks it. So you have to take them at the same time
and yeah this
Brother these pills the stomach ache that I had but the pain like you just said I was in agony sitting on the toilet
There's no there's nothing coming out, but it's still like
Like when you've when you've been throwing up, but there's nothing left to come out, but your body's still throwing up
Yeah, it's throwing up. So there's no there's nothing coming out here. Oh my god
I've got nothing left my asshole
Wiping all the time
Oh my god, we all live the same life
I mean to an extent because i'm not pooing in the bed or in the bath or anything like that
We all do the same shit just some don't admit it
We've all the only what the only caveat is a lot of people probably haven't squeezed their own poo or held it
But everyone shit, that's a unique one. You get a little emblem for that
But I say that was I I was egged on by a pal go and pick shit up pick shit up
It's like fuck it. Yeah, why not? It's just bouncing it then the squeezing part was just an
You know urge that came over me because it was cold and my poo was hot
And it's just steamy. I just want to know what the plan was for if you had if you didn't squeeze it
You would have still had to have cleaned your hands after yeah, but there was no shit on it
As I say it was like the perfect poo is no
You could have like rubbed it between your hands but not split it and you would have had no shit on your hand
It was just the sputteriest smoothest thing
Just texture, you know, that's one thing that i've never experienced. I was squatting down and having a shit. That's yeah
I've never done that. I've done that plenty of times comes out a lot easier. You have to man
Sometimes you just get caught short and you know a line of work. Yeah, there's no toilets nearby
So you just got to make do with your environment. I'm not getting caught short
I I did used to carry around the toilet roll with me just in case but good luck never
Anticipated multi-pack and never anticipated using it, but mark's used all that the fucking blow his nose
So if I ever do need to have a shit I can't because there is nothing for me to fucking sort myself out
I probably would just take my boxes off and wipe my ass with them and then throw them
Everyone's done it clarkie. Fuck me. He he got so pissy. He told me the next morning
He woke up. He's shit on the wall
Yeah, he just said he's fucking there's poo on the wall he got in the bathroom and there was poo on the wall
He just takes it in the morning. There's poo on the wall not behind the i'll get more context. I'll speak to him
I can't remember the exact reason but I don't even know if it's in the bathroom
I just remember him saying he's so pissed. There's shit on the wall. I was like
whatever
Must have been a fucking enjoyable experience
It's right. I don't know. I don't know what had happened. But yeah, this is
Fucking shit happens to me. It's great
When you need to go you need to go. I don't know why it's gone on the wall, but it has and here we are
I think we leave that here. Yeah
It's been insightful. It's fantastic. Here's the best one yet. I'll pay for this
I would pay for that all the others you you anyone you're not listening
You've been fucking scabbed through the other podcast episodes, but this one this one's worth the fucking dollar. Yeah
Let us know if you've ever shit yourself
Yeah, I want to know the context. I want to know consistency the smell the taste the fucking feel he's doing poo reviews for a while
I'm not sending you poo reviews. You were sending me poo reviews. Yeah proper in-depth like five minute voice notes
Yeah, and it was giving them ratings and stuff
It's decent five, you know, whatever is a comfortable one was a squeezer
Wiper there's there's many variables, you know, I think it's just a thing that geezers like how was your shit?
Because it's not very many enjoyable moments throughout the day you get but having that poo and you get in it's a good feeling
Yeah, because I don't I I struggle to have a poo in the morning
So my poo is my first poo of the day is normally around three o'clock
So when I get home through them doors
Yeah, if I could make it if I could make it throughout the whole day without shitting when I get home
Yeah, there's just it's just carnage. I'm kicking everyone out of the way. Yeah, I need toilet toilet toilet
straight door shut
And then sometimes you need it so bad. It don't come out
Mental, I don't know. Fuck it shit happens. We've been watching buttons. This has been fantastic
Um, let us know about your poo endeavors and we'll fucking see you next week. Everyone. See you later
Oh, oh poo