Oh god. Oh my god.
Fuuuuck!
Fuuuuuuuuck!
Josie took Wallace down to the vet today.
Like we had noticed something like weird next to his butthole the other day and I was like, oh that's...
Is this like an anal gland situation?
No, no, no. It's not like that. And I was kind of looking at it and I was like, I don't know, maybe that kind of looks like a tick.
And I was like, I'm going to take him down there to the vet and they took care of it.
But it was like she wasn't sure of the vet.
She's like, I think... this is weird. I think it was like a leech got attached and then dried up and just was there.
And it's like, oh, that sucks.
Gross.
Yeah. Too much butt work being done on him today.
Too much butt play?
Yeah.
A lot of butt stuff. Poor Wallace.
Yeah. But he's okay. We put his vest on him and now he's just laying out.
He's probably going to go outside and eat some bark or something. He'll be fine.
Yeah. He knows how to treat himself.
Yeah.
All right. Well, welcome back to Cage Match, colon around about wave meeting, Nicolas Cage.
I am Sean here with my co-host Nick and our producer Peter.
And we're all sad.
We are sad because this week we are reviewing 2017's Mom and Dad and 2007's Next.
You know what? I have a prediction for our immediate future.
It's going to be bad.
No, rewind it back. Now it's going to be good.
No, because we watched these movies twice.
This wasn't the funnest week for us.
No, it's not a fun collection of movies.
And it's not even like not fun the way 9-11 wasn't fun.
Because I think we came out of 9-11 like generally feeling pretty decent about ourselves.
But man, it's hard to come out of these last two weeks with any kind of like pride.
My only takeaway from this week was they were short.
Yes.
So I was doing my rewatches today. I just got done with Mom and Dad.
And when I went to start up next, my rental had expired and I was not paying another $4 to watch it again.
What a blessing.
Yeah, let's just jump right into it.
Let's start with Mom and Dad, which this week I wrote a synopsis for.
Hooray.
Parents be crazy.
Yeah.
Okay. Yep. I mean, not wrong.
No, just for some reason, parents start killing their offspring.
That is the premise of this film.
That's about how it goes.
Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little bit of the happening with Mark Wahlberg, the Shyamalan sort of thing where all of a sudden people are trying to kill themselves.
Instead of themselves, it's their kids.
I said I was going to say a nice thing about this movie.
And Mark Wahlberg isn't in it.
Hey, that's true. It was better for that.
Too bad.
Mark Wahlberg as like a science teacher is like a bridge too far for me.
Nick Cage as like a car salesman or whatever he is in this. Totally fine.
Mark Wahlberg as a pop star was a bridge too far for me.
Yeah, true.
You're a big dick porn star. Didn't you do that too?
He did.
That tracks. That's about right.
Okay.
So Mom and Dad 2017.
What was the name of the director again?
Ryan Popov.
That's not right.
Brian Taylor.
I knew that wasn't right.
You were close-ish.
Yeah.
Who we will be watching again as he directed Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance.
He also directed the Crank series.
And what else was there?
Another like oh and he did a bunch of the show Happy.
Yeah.
So this guy has a great pedigree for like frantic action.
Mm hmm.
Which isn't served well in what's supposed to be a through like horror thriller.
As you started to say thriller, you just kind of have third.
And I was like, is this supposed to be a 3D movie?
Did I miss something about it?
And it wasn't.
No.
I'm still just as disappointed, no more or less disappointed in this movie.
I think the highlight for me was as I was watching it, I texted Nick and I said, am I going to see a baby get murdered?
Oh, I swear I kind of stopped my initial watch and I'm like, this is tomorrow.
Sean's problem tonight.
Sean does not have it in me.
So Nick Cage stars as Brent Selma Blair stars as his wife, Kendall and Ann Winters, their daughter, Carly.
They also have a son who is a kid.
So fuck him.
And the grandparent shelf at some point.
Yeah, there's the boyfriend, too, I suppose.
Oh, yeah.
And the only reason I even mention Ann Winters, because the whole time I was watching this movie, I'm like, where the fuck do I know her from?
Like, was she in Color Out of Space?
No, it's another ditzy blonde.
No, she was in the most recent season of The Orville.
Oh, OK.
Which is a really good show.
A shitty cameo was Dr. Oz.
Fuck that guy.
Oh, man.
Dr. Oz.
OK.
So real quick, daughter.
That's pretty quick.
Yeah.
I'm trying to I'm trying to I'm trying to get through this one.
Brent and Kendall, they're sick of their humdrum lives.
They don't really they're not really getting on with their kids.
And, you know, things aren't great.
Brent used to be, you know, king shit of Fuck Mountain.
Opening credits, they use the footage of him getting or younger him getting tits in the face while like doing donuts.
And it totally looked like the high character from Raising Arizona.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It really did.
Nailed it. Nailed that high look.
And then, you know, suddenly parents start going crazy, killing their kids.
Carly's got to get home with her boyfriend to save her little brother, her nine year old brother, who why isn't he in school?
Very good question.
And never answered.
He's too stupid.
Yeah.
Well, fucking there is a part in this movie where I'm like, finally, we get a fucking good kid with his head on his shoulders.
Nope.
Oh, no. A terrible kid.
Yeah.
Terrible kid gets home to get her brother before her parents get home from work.
Parents show up, attempted murder ensues.
What do you want to talk about, Nick?
I want to talk about what it was that he found and put in the firebird like I assume it was a cat or some kind of a bunny.
I thought it was like a baby bird or something.
Yeah. Crows were tearing it apart.
I don't know.
They never show you.
But like he just like Nick Cage just gets upset because obviously his firebird smells and there's a dead animal in it.
Let's be real.
That firebird definitely smelled beforehand.
But I think it smelled like something coppery or something.
I don't know.
Yeah. I thought it was like a hand.
I like in my head cannon.
It was a hand.
He found a hand and the kid was just dumb enough to put it in a box and try to feed it like Froot Loops.
You hear it for a minute.
Oh, I never heard it.
Like when he first puts it in there and like he brings it like Froot Loops.
Does he put it in the box and it's just like, oh, oh, I'm really certain I heard like a cat mewing or something.
But I could be wrong.
Does a cat mewing sound like?
Oh, was that the noise it made?
I think so.
I'm fairly sure it did.
Can you should probably rewatch it and find out.
Yeah.
Guess what?
You get to.
We don't know that yet.
Strong case to not do that.
And then we get to the actual action part of this movie.
Like the back half is the actual like trying to kill kids scene, which I would say for the most part,
they're pretty successful at killing kids.
Yeah.
Lots of people kill lots of kids.
Yeah.
There's a lot of like giblets of children.
Brent and Kendall.
Yeah, there's not a lot.
You don't see a lot of kids.
Viscera.
No, there's a lot of like the leftovers of like bloody keys being held in the air, being brought down in stabbing motion.
We see one girl get like suffocated, suffocated in a garbage bag.
One thing that I thought was kind of interesting, I don't want to give too much credit to anything in this movie,
but like one thing that I thought was kind of interesting was the fact that like after killing the kids,
they have all these parents being like interviewed on TV and shit.
And they're just like, I feel great.
Yeah.
Like I don't I'm real sad for everyone else, but I feel good.
Yeah.
It's like, oh, that's really that is creepy.
Yeah.
Like you just are driven to kill your progeny.
I do want to say I know you don't want to say anything good about this movie.
I want to say one great thing about this movie, and that's Nick Cage line reads.
Yeah.
He goes full cage in this movie.
Yeah.
This movie is full of just like out there lines.
He gives them to us pretty hard.
Yeah.
Especially when he's talking to the kid and like he just says weird shit like.
Right.
Like telling your nine year old about like getting all that ass in the car.
And and this there are flashbacks to pre insanity and the way Nick Cage talks to his nine year old kid about like,
you know, this car was a pussy magnet.
Yeah.
Yeah. Language to add.
I'm sorry. Chick magnet.
And that scene ends with the line.
Again, this is before any insanity.
If you ever touch that car again, I'll kill you.
Smiles and then just stern face.
Yeah. There was so many.
Oh, God.
This was such a well directed and put together movie.
I feel so good about this.
What?
I positive affirmations there.
What's going to get me through this?
I feel like I'm going to be in a movie.
I'm going to be in a movie.
And alcohol.
I should have brought more sparkle buddies.
This week's episode brought to you by alcoholism, because otherwise we wouldn't be here.
No, this is fine.
I was just going to say, like, this movie is just fucking ridiculous.
Like you got the boyfriend who you're introduced to in the beginning because like he has to go take his like PSA tease,
which is just ridiculous because it's like taking the PSA tease and then like the test.
Taking it. I mean, obviously they take it pretty seriously.
It's the PSA tease after all.
And then like all these parents are out there like waiting to kill their kids at the end, just like staring through the windows.
And that's kind of weird.
Yeah. Like why did doors stop them so much?
Yeah, they weren't very content to just stare like they're in the nursery at the hospital as well.
Just like watching and breathing.
Yeah.
Just all this like bottled rage of these fathers looking at their infant children.
And it's like, open, open the door.
Yeah, because it wasn't locked because he when he leaves, yeah, the door closes and then they open it again.
Right. They're like, oh, that's doors.
Fuck. But he like takes this test and he leaves and like, I just want to talk about this character because this character, I think, upsets me the most
because they make him sound like he's just some big smart kid.
And then every time he's on scene, he's just like completely washed away. Like they go back to Carly, Nick Cage's house.
And this is after like the parents have started freaking out.
They're like trying to find the brother and get out of there.
And Nick Cage shows up and he gets all pissed and he's like just in Damon's face.
Like, what are you doing here? I know what kids your age are doing.
Like best not be diddling my daughter. He didn't say it, but it was implied.
And he's like chasing the kid and then like wallops him and like kills him.
And you're like sitting there like, oh, that's fucked up.
And obviously he's not dead because he's going to come back later in another scene fight.
So this kid gets shit kicked out of this entire movie.
He's the only kid we actually see viscerally get fucked up.
He gets his arm cut by a broken bottle, gets his head smashed into the tile floor, gets a coat hanger through the cheek.
Oh, yeah. Then gets a meat tenderizer to the head, knocked over a banister, hits the stairs on the way down
and then cracks his head on the couch before hitting the floor.
Yeah. And apparently he wasn't dead then either.
No, he gets to come. He gets he gets back at the mom though with a shovel later.
So good for you kid. There was a shoveling.
I guess I'm glad he didn't die.
Like the first time I watched it, I was so upset with this movie.
I didn't even notice that he came back and like hit the mom with a shovel at the end of the movie.
I was just like, yeah, fuck this.
Like, why do they keep bringing him back and just killing him?
And I guess I drank enough. I didn't care anymore.
Speaking of quote unquote surprise characters.
One of the other things that I texted Nick about when I was watching this is I was like, please tell me that
the grandparents are the ones that come and save the day by killing the parents.
I forgot about the grandparents until like two minutes before the doorbell rings, because I'm like, wait,
weren't they supposed to have dinner with the grandparents?
What's that going to look like? Ding dong.
Like, yes. Yeah. Instantly maced in the face and stabbed.
OK, so you yourselves are trying to kill your kids.
It's been all over the news and you're aware that people are trying to kill their kids.
Would you not stop to think that when your parents showed up?
Wait a minute. Well, I don't think they actually think about the condition of killing their kids.
But the mom does listen to a radio report about it when she's driving home.
Yeah, I think it kind of goes in and out.
Like, yeah, I think they all have the brains like real bad.
Yeah. Yeah. When they're all fogged up, I don't think it matters to them.
Peter, I thought you had a really good idea this week about like let's talk about, you know,
how these movies could have been better. Yeah. How would you fix these?
One of two ways. And they're both involved the same thing.
So there's a lot of like put on like the flashback scenes.
One of the better like scenes in this film is when Brent is trying to build his rumpus room
and like winds up smashing the newly made pool table.
And he completely has this freak out about how, you know, he used to score all the time.
And now he's, you know, now they're just mom and dad.
If you would have had the insanity kind of build up rather than just going straight to murder kids,
but start normal, kind of what the color outer space did where over the movie,
they're getting shorter and shorter with whatever is going on with them until it just turns into a rage
because why are you trying to make us care about these characters when they're just supposed to be psychopaths?
So do that or the other solution, remove the B plot and just be a slasher.
Just have mom and dad be crazy and let's not know anything about the parents.
Yeah, I would prefer it that way because I think if you tried to ease into it,
this movie would end up being like an hour forty five, an hour fifty.
And that's it probably could have been about an hour and ten. Yeah, it could have.
There were tons of scenes that didn't need to be like the whole building the pool table scene.
Yeah, I don't know. There were some good cage moments throughout that, which.
Yeah, I mean, it gave us really do need those performance.
Yeah, we need it for this podcast specifically.
But the movie gives us the elements we want.
We get some like good Nicolas Cage freak outs.
We get like obviously a hyper violent kind of just wackadoodle movie, which who doesn't want that?
Except the violence are kept right before an act of violence happens.
It cuts to a flashback of mom and dad being good parents.
Mike, no, just give us the fucking action. Yeah.
I never really cared like what was falling apart inside of their family.
I just wanted to see like because that had nothing to do with their current situation.
Yeah. In fact, the only time I was kind of on board with this film is the last five minutes when grandma and grandpa show up.
And then you have like this Tom and Jerry style chase where Nick Cage is chasing his son and grandpa is chasing the cage with a knife.
And the movie more or less ends with mom throwing grandma in front of the firebird as it's like peeling out of the garage.
Yeah, the kid does a real sick like whip it just like not Nick Cage is driving.
Oh, yeah. That's right. And he is technically a son.
Yeah. True. Grandpa's grandpa's on the roof.
So grandma goes ass over tea kettle over the car in slow motion.
And then grandpa like then the firebird crashes in one of the car.
Grandpa goes forward and head splatters open. Yeah, that was a melon for sure.
Yeah. And I'm like, all right, this is finally saying what's on the box.
I bet there was some kind of MPAA thing about like killing just just killing children throughout the whole movie.
And that's why they didn't want to show it. Like you can't have that much violence against children.
So that's why the only violence we like actually see short of that one girl getting suffocated with a plastic bag.
That is probably the most graphic scene of like kid murder. Right.
I mean, yeah, it's just everybody getting chased.
The only other violent like actual violence you're like really confronted with there is the cop beating up a parent,
which is weird because the cop was just going ham on a parent and like didn't even care that he was punching their face in.
So that violence actually didn't add up with the rest of the movie.
But what did add up with this movie? I will say the I mean, if you're going to present us with a world,
at least make everything fit and stick high in the rules of that world.
So true. Again, the only kid we really do see get fucked up.
It's also the only minority character in this movie.
Yeah. The black the black kid is the only one we see visibly like horribly get fucked up.
Yeah. He keeps getting hurt.
But the coat hanger was wild. Yeah. The coat hanger was wild.
That was one of the few notes that I had in this thing.
After the initial Nick Cage freak out, he trips over one of the kids toys and the daughter and brother are in the basement.
Mom's trying to get in with a saws all because it saws all which they say a lot.
Twice. But she she Nick Cage has it a couple of times towards the end.
She really hacks at that door with no skill at all.
And then they're trying to get a saws all blade to go into something that angle to start fucking terrible.
But then Nick Cage is like, like, you got to do some right.
You got to do it yourself. And he goes upstairs to go get his gun, which isn't in the box.
You hear two shots and mom starts screaming and you see the nine year old in the basement with the gun.
And I'm like, awesome. They have a gun.
This will be over quickly. Two shots.
And then the gun is gone. Yeah. They never have it again.
Yeah. Yeah. The parent then the parents try and like gas the kids like which I thought was clever.
Yeah. And then I liked the home alone style booby trap.
The daughter made like taping matches to the back of the door over like the strike paper, which blows up Nick Cage, which is pretty fun.
But then they go to be more burned. I did too.
And then they go into a crawl space to get away from the explosion and somehow wind up in the attic.
Yeah, they did some kind of like climbing in that wall, some kind of plenum space got them to the attic.
I do want to just quickly talk about the ending of this movie, please.
I want to really slowly talk about the ending.
So the ending of this movie.
So actually, we need to draw this episode out.
So please go slower.
So after mom gets shoveled and Nick Cage passes out after hitting a car, it cuts to Nicholas Cage and mom being tied up in the basement.
The kids are there just watching leave. It's daylight out now.
Go away. Go anywhere because no one else is trying to kill you.
But the kids are there and, you know, there's and the daughter saying all the, you know, parents like, you know, we want to trust you, but you're making it hard.
And brother's like, I love you, mom.
I love you, dad.
Mom's like, we love you more than anything.
And then Nick Cage is just sometimes we want to credits. That's how this movie ends.
Yeah, I didn't like it. Yeah.
As soon as I saw that, because again, the last five minutes of this movie, I was on board.
And then that happened. I just text Peter. I fucking hate this movie.
I mean, like from a fundamental perspective, like it's shot well.
Like the core is done, you know, in a pretty effective way. This director is really good at like frantic action.
Everything's well constructed. Just not well written. Yeah.
Oh, I would also take out all like the static because apparently there's like static on TV and static on the radio.
And that's what seems to trigger people. Yeah, but it's just confusing.
But it doesn't do anything. It doesn't add to anything. Yeah.
There's no real indication of what causes it. And that's frustrating. Yeah.
So just in terms of world building, doesn't do anything. Yeah.
In terms of character doesn't do anything.
I would rather like if they took out all of that static and everything, if they just kind of like shrugged and said, I don't know, maybe just every parent in the world had had enough.
Yeah. It's like this is the day that they're just like, fuck, like one person did it like, oh, well, it starts out with that person who leaves their car on the train tracks and like lets their car get run over with their kid in it.
They can make it a purge situation, which is I thought we were going to get because I thought that's what it was going to be like the blurb of this movie is, you know, a brother and sister have to survive 24 hours, you know, while their parents go insane.
But they never don't not go insane. Right. You guys mentioned we never see what happens after 24 hours because it just doesn't get that far.
So you did mention the doctor Oz cameo, which super weird. Yeah, but accurate.
Yeah. The other super weird yet accurate cameo is when they're watching the news and there's the panel of three people on like CNN or whatever.
The middle one bald guy bald Irish guy. I'm like, who the fuck is that guy? Why do I know that guy? That's Grant Morrison, the creator of the comic book Happy.
He also wrote X-Men, Animal Man, Justice League, like prolific comic author. And I'm like, all right. He worked with dude on Happy.
That kind of makes sense. Weird cameo. But what I loved is he's supposed to be like a talking head on a news program.
And he's just wearing his like normal Grant Morrison leather jacket. I don't have anything like about this movie that impressed me.
What about the best line? So, oh, it's what? Nicholas Cage talking to the boyfriend. Yeah.
And then he's just, you know, confronting him in the kitchen about like, you know, kids and this and that.
And, you know, I know what you kids are all up to. He's like, now the world you kids are living in, the things you've seen on the Internet.
Mouth to dildo dildo to ask, ask to ask. Hi, Brent. Anal beads.
Good. It's a good line. I love asked to ask. Yeah, I like mouth to dildo.
It's like that's one that I think I'll have to start Googling because I haven't seen enough of it.
And this movie says I need it. I really liked when he's smashing up the pool table and singing the hokey pokey.
That's not my quote. My quote is when mom first gets home, goes to the door to try and like coerce the kids out of the basement.
And she's being like, it's OK, honey. It's OK.
And come on out and Nick Cage just runs up the door, starts banging on and screams, you mother, your motherfucking mother said, open this door and motherfuckers.
You're going to open this motherfucking door, followed by him breaking down, crying on the floor next to the door.
Carly, Joshi. The only quote I had for this is after his dad attacks him, he's just shouting, get your claws off me, you fucking filthy dinosaur.
Yeah, that was good. All right. So Venn diagram.
What do you guys think? It's a bad movie. Bad performance.
Fun line reads, fun insanity like him screaming after the leg stab was like really funny.
This would be a great movie for just clips. Yes. Show some clips to somebody like just watch a couple of clips and you'll get enough out of this movie.
You'll be like, OK, I kind of get it. Yeah, there's probably like a cage supercut from mom and dad. If not, I'll make one.
Fuck it. Why not? Yeah, I mean, it'll be like five minutes long. Yeah. Max.
Max. That's the best parts of the movie. So you're welcome. Yeah.
So, yeah, bad, bad, bad all around. Yeah, it's too bad.
I feel like this this one really had potential in my mind to be something fun and campy.
And it it just missed like it needed to be campier.
Yeah, my expectations were way off on this one.
You know, you see something blind, you just don't know. So it looked a lot better on paper. Yeah.
Speaking of things that look worse on paper next.
I don't know about that one, Sean. Let's take that again. That was pretty rough. Go back in time. Two minutes.
No, this is this is me predicting the future and me trying out material.
I thought that was his best. It's like everything. All right. Now, here's what I actually wrote.
Next up.
Can we just get Horn back to be the co-host on this? Yep.
This is my this was my idea. You're stuck with me. No, that's fine. He can take my spot.
Who could replace that? No one farts like I fart.
Next, Nick Cage plays Chris Johnson, a.k.a. Frank Cadillac.
Jessica Biel is Liz Cooper and Julianne Morris. Kaylee Farris.
Nick Cage plays a off strip Vegas magician whose whole schtick is he can tell you what's going to happen before it happens.
Yeah, he can tell you what's going to happen in his life. Yeah. Before it happens. Within two minutes.
Within two minutes. And that's the whole conceit of this film is he can predict the next two minutes of what's about to happen to him.
And that's the only rule in this movie, which again, the only rule. Remember this because it'll never come up.
Yeah, I mean, that in and of itself could be interesting, but then they come up with this dumb fucking plot that makes no sense and doesn't involve two minutes in the future.
So the FBI wants Frank Cadillac or Chris Johnson, I think just call him Frank Cadillac.
Frank Cadillac wants Frank Cadillac to help them predict where a stolen nuclear weapon is going to go off and where it is in L.A.
They know he can only predict things two minutes into the future, but they want him for this.
Well, they don't really have like the whole scope of like his power.
No, but it kind of is cracking the code, but she she cracks the code that is no more than two minutes really early.
Oh, just yeah, you got it on your laptop. Go back in time.
The whole embarrassing. So the whole premise of this film is the FBI is trying to like capture this guy to predict where this weapon is going to be.
Don't worry about it, because that is never comes up.
It does at the end, but it doesn't. The main movie is about.
Don't worry. Time travel. The main movie is Nicholas Cage.
Travel won't fix that sentence. Time travel.
Yeah, that sentence describes this movie perfectly. God damn it.
Jessica Beale is a woman he has seen in visions from further than two minutes ahead.
He meets her immediately, woos her terrorist show up.
I mean, he took a couple of shots at wooing her.
He gets punched in the face. He I don't know, is a dick. Yeah.
I do like how he doctor strange to that one and his best.
Yeah. His best outcome for it was just, I don't know, better just let him punch me in the face after saying some creepy shit about being her future.
Yeah. Yeah. OK. I mean, some credit to this movie.
I really do like the way they use the two minute loop, like the two minute predictive thing.
Sometimes, sometimes like when he meets Jessica Beale for the first time, he goes up to her, tries to talk to her, and she just completely blows him off.
And it cuts back to him just staring her from the bar.
She's like, fuck off. And like he does it a few more times and she keeps telling him to leave her alone.
And one point he just starts to stand up and she's just like, no. Yeah.
And then her boyfriend, Kendall, walks in. That's a connective tissue of this.
There's two people named Kendall. His name was Kendall. His name was Kendall.
I sent you a text like her ex's name is Kendall that confused me because I thought you were talking about Mom.
No, Dad. No. She had an ex named Kendall.
And as Grandma and Mom and Dad said, Kendall's not even a real name. Yeah.
Oh, we talked about the doesn't work. Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Can I talk about the
him being at this diner every day, like at the exact like what?
Six, 10 or some shit like that.
Six, oh eight. Yeah. Here we go.
Twice a day.
And he's just housing martinis.
And I'm sitting there thinking, boy, I hope he doesn't like martinis.
But in his vision, he was drinking a martini.
So now he's like, I guess I got to drink a martini or else it can't happen.
You cannot get a good diner martini.
No, he's that's our next podcast.
Like a diner martini.
Actually, that kind of is our next podcast. Sort of. Yeah.
Something with a moons over Miami.
Exactly. Themed to it.
Has a mini pancake. Oh, wait.
Go back in time.
Two minutes, two minutes.
Hey, Nick, in two minutes, you're going to knock over your sparkle, buddy.
No, my beverage.
We'll be right back.
Well, this is about exactly how I thought it was going to go.
I'm having a blast.
So here we are. Two minutes back in time.
No, no. Sparkle buddies have been spilt.
Now, I saw this sticky.
No, it's not.
This is two minutes in the.
It was sticky in the past, too.
Hi, I'm home alone a lot.
Hey, guys, I just had a vision of the future in this episode.
It's not going to be that good.
I don't know. I think we're nailing it.
Well, welcome back to Cajumat, calling around about way of meeting Nicholas Cage.
Today we're talking about next.
Yeah. And how scene Martinis.
I'm your host.
We're Hornback.
Wait a minute. Can't use that
doxing.
We're back in time.
Two minutes.
OK. Necky Martinis.
He meets Jessica Beale.
There's a whole plot point about her teaching on a reservation.
Yeah. Why did they do that?
It was to set up the FBI using the photo, like the traffic
cam to get the permit number for her reservation access
so they could track her by that permit.
They could have just been a license plate.
No, there was no license plate on the front.
Yeah, I understand that there was no.
They could have just written that there was a license plate on the front.
That's how movie making works.
But then there's no obstacles to overcome.
And we don't know that she's a nice person.
Yeah, because we got to know she's a nice person.
Yeah. I also can.
It gives her the reason to be here when she blows up later.
OK, yeah. My favorite part of this movie is when Jessica Beale just explodes.
OK, that was great.
And also the I laughed so hard.
The news reporter just sitting there and the cameraman is like unflinching.
He's like, we're going to keep filming the spot where the body was. Yeah.
And the news reporter is just like having an emotional breakdown
because she just saw somebody explode and the cameraman's like,
I don't want to miss a thing.
How often do you see someone just explode?
I don't know. But I think the director for the news program would be like,
hey, man, shift that camera to the other side, like just pan
so that like the reporters on the other side of the shot, it's like, oh,
you're not looking at an exploded lady anymore.
I don't know.
That's when like the card has to come up with the elevator music that says,
you know, you know, we'll be right back.
We're experienced technical difficulties.
Yeah. Like news bursting at the seams or something.
Yeah, something really out of like this thing at the seams is rude.
That that's what I was going for.
Hmm. So also in this movie, there's a group of European terrorists.
I got a real question about these guys.
They're loosely Russian, right? Yeah. French.
I was watching this with subtitles on because maybe they're terrible.
But it's like there.
It's always speaking French, speaking French until one part
where someone is definitely speaking German and the subtitle said foreign language.
What was with those guys like they obviously knew Nick Cage
had some kind of power, right?
Because they were trying to like get to cage also and like trying to assassinate.
Well, they why did they know originally it was just they wanted him
because the FBI wanted him and that but they didn't know why.
And then suddenly they knew why.
Also, why is Colombo in this movie?
I've never seen Peter laugh this much.
I can't stand this shit.
Oh, my God, you're a red dude.
This movie is so fucking dumb.
And it feels so long to for an hour and a half.
It is so goddamn long, man.
All right. Then where are we?
Has he used his time power to fuck her yet?
That's about where we're at. OK.
Like, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they get a cabin, a stabbing cabin.
And then he's like, I'm going to sleep in the car because I'm a nice guy.
And he does. Yeah.
But he tosses in turns and she feels bad.
So she fucks him. Yeah.
More or less, that's how that story goes.
Yeah. She's like, oh, man, this stranger can't sleep in the car.
Better bone down.
And then the FBI approaches her when she goes out to get breakfast foods
and is like, you're dating a sociopath.
That egg McMuffin is for a psycho.
He's he's using his magic mind powers to get in your pants.
So she said he did do that.
So she has to drug him, but she has to drug him
exactly two minutes after he goes out of the room.
For us, he knows or else he'll know.
Yeah. But wouldn't he know?
Wouldn't he like see two minutes in the future when he like drank
and then started feeling woozy?
I guess they said it takes five minutes to work.
Again, the rules don't make sense.
But then she doesn't want to drug him and tells him the truth.
And he proves that he's a magic man by like saying the lines of tea
of whatever's going to be on TV and then changing the channel,
which doesn't I don't think that would make me feel less
like you were magic raping me.
No, not at all.
But I'm just saying that's a cool way to show off that you have a power. Yeah.
And then we get to the terrible CGI train rolling down the hill saying,
Oh, man, that was so cool.
It was so many barrels.
Also, that's where it goes from like
using like HD cameras to just using 35 millimeter film
because it was over 110 degrees and they were worried about
ruining the equipment and the heat because 2007.
Yeah, which I'm like, OK, this scene was definitely filmed for three day.
So there's this whole like was this movie filmed for three day?
Probably 2007.
Oh, man.
Seems like it would be. Yeah.
And that whole rolling down the hill when all the logs come down.
But then the only scene that was like three diable.
Yeah. It didn't stop them.
They were mad about three day.
OK. The French terrorists are there again.
And again, there's like a cool thing where he's running down the hill.
He doesn't know they're there, but like, you know, the guy takes a shot
and he like just leans back right before we hit him. Right.
He gets the sense while he's running, he learns that they're there.
But oh, I want to say like the two times Nick Cage avoids
danger on the hill before he gets to the bottom are so great.
Like they take the shot at him with the sniper
and he just kind of like does a sweet like lean back,
like just at the last second, like
and let's say fly past his chest.
And then the second time when all that shit's coming down
and he like runs up to this one point and he stops
and then he just does that like super dramatic like Thor Neil like.
Oh, yeah.
It is like the train goes over.
Yeah. Oh, no, that's when the cars rolling past him.
Yeah. The car, the Jeep flips over.
And why couldn't you have just like run up there and be like, OK.
Yeah. I ducked down now. Yeah.
No, I noticed that too.
Can we just talk about how sick his golden jacket is?
That jacket's pretty rad.
During my day, I had to talk about the meme then,
because this is the movie where the Nick Cage bird hair meme came from.
So in my research for this movie, that golden jacket is a reference
to the Philip K.
Dick short story, The Golden Man, which this movie is supposedly based on.
That is 100 percent not true. Random guy on IMDb.
Well, it's oh, OK.
The Dick story is about a man who can see a limited range into his future.
Yeah, that's it.
That's the entire basis.
I know. I'm just saying the fact that someone on the Internet
said the jacket is a reference to that.
Oh, they said the jacket.
Yeah. His his gold jacket is a reference to the golden man.
Pretty sure the reference to the golden man is the fact that he can see
into his own future. Yeah.
Yeah. So he gets to the bottom of the hill.
Internet people are dumb.
Saves the FBI agent from being crushed by the series of events he started.
The series of events he started more than two minutes ago.
They capture him.
And again, at this point, they know too much in the future.
Their plan for getting him to figure out where the bomb is going to go off
isn't terrible.
They're just like the news is going to cover it.
So we're just going to put on CNN and force you to watch it.
Yeah. But I mean, again, the two minute leadway is like, yeah,
nobody's going to be able to stop the nuke within two minutes.
But the thing that killed me about this entire thing.
So like he has this vision of Jessica Beale, right?
In this diner.
And he's going there every day at six or eight or whatever the fuck twice a day.
And it's because he only sees his own future in the two minute increments
except pertaining to her where he saw the stupidest fucking concept,
because then all of a sudden he can see deeply into the future
because she getting blown up that he sees on TV happens.
Oh, well, in the future.
It was a couple of hours. Yeah. Right.
So it's like, what's the point of this two minute bullshit?
Just don't do that.
Yeah. Well, I mean, they needed to adhere to the original story
for artistic credibility.
Yeah. Credibility was the big concern with this movie. Yeah.
So the whole time I'm watching this, I'm like, this would make a really good
2007 USA like programming
12 episode like serial.
Think of a burn notice.
I knew you were going to say burn notice. Go back two minutes.
But just like, you know, where you have a guy who can see, you know,
who has to just solve like crimes of the week. Pretty cool.
And I'm like, and you could show him like having to like sit there
and like make every decision and see what those two minutes are,
which we kind of do get at the end where they have like a multiple man style.
He's like, I got to find her and he starts walking down a hall
and then he splits into two people as he's like predicting
which way he's going to go.
But then those people start predicting where they're going to go. Yeah.
So he could see into the future forever, essentially.
Yeah. Within a two minute mark.
But then don't they stack like if I make a version of me at a minute, 59.
Does that get two minutes?
See what I'm saying?
You would only be able to go back to the point where you made that one.
So you pretty much to be able to go back to that original point,
he had to search the whole building within two minutes.
All those times.
So because it was really also sounds unfeasible.
It was less like he was making additionals of himself.
He was just making different choices and different choices.
Overlap all of the choices at once. I understand.
I mean, yeah, I think that part actually was kind of cool.
That worked. I like using the audience, Sean.
They rely on us. They do not restrict adherence to facts.
OK, the only thing that I like from one of those seeds,
maybe it was when he was escaping from the feds,
but he like runs out into a hallway and if a dude with a baton
like just wings it down a hallway, the guy's like running across
and just gets nailed.
Well, again, like a fun way to use this power for an action movie is just,
you know, what's going to happen before it happens.
So, yeah. Did you see The Edge of Tomorrow with Tom Cruise and Emily?
I know of it, but it's actually a pretty fun movie.
And, you know, it's a time loop situation where like he dies,
he comes back to life, he runs the same thing again,
he gets slightly better, he dies, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Like I think in that scene when they're fighting the terrorists,
they could have done more of that, like seeing the failures
and then coming up with cool success versus just like him,
you know, like slyly being like a sniper up there.
Oh, we should say that the terrorists have Jessica Biel.
That's why she gets blown up. Yeah.
But we should also say that Groundhog's Day
is a way better version of this movie. Yes, absolutely.
So they're trying to find Jessica Biel all Groundhog Day.
So he's he'll help the feds find the bomb
if they help him save Jessica Biel.
So they're in this warehouse killing terrorists, finding Jessica Biel.
As soon as she's safe, they're like, oh, the bomb's probably here.
They open up the container. It used to be and it wasn't there.
They're like, where's it going to be? And then Nick Cage goes, Oh,
I messed up.
I made a mistake. I made a mistake.
And then and then you see L.A. get nuked.
That nuke CGI is so fucking bad.
Remember, you can see two minutes into the future nuke delay.
For authenticity. Yeah, right.
Remember, you can only see two minutes in the future.
And then suddenly he wakes up in the bed in the motel
with Jessica Biel before the FBI showed up.
Yeah, because he just saw like her whole future and it's like, oh, fuck me.
I don't understand this movie.
No, because what he does is he goes outside, talks to the Fed.
She has to be left out of it.
She says, OK, they get the car, drive off, and that's the end of the movie.
They never solve the nuke problem. True.
What? I thought there was more after that.
No, that's the credits.
Yeah, the credits that would go backwards, which I thought was kind of cute.
It would be cool if they truly went backwards, but they only ran down
and being from the end.
I stopped watching. Good point.
I rewatched the credits just to make sure I know.
So the whole premise of this film is they want him to find a nuke.
The nuke goes off, but that's only a dream.
So he's going to help them.
So the movie ends at the start.
Well, at the middle, the middle, it ends at the fucking.
So at least he has that going for him. True.
But that's it.
This had to have been a TV pilot at one point, probably
or a script for a TV pilot at one point, because that's just a dogshit way
to end this film.
All right, Sean, you've got two minutes to give me a better movie.
Get rid of the plot, get rid of the nuke plot.
The government just wants him because of his power.
They know for reasons Jessica Beale is a key part of it.
So they kidnapped Jessica Beale and he has to use his powers
to break into their facility and save her.
That's it. That's a better movie.
Nick, you've got two minutes to make a better movie.
I mean, I can do it in less time.
This weekend, I watched 2004's Daredevil with Ben Affleck,
and that was a better movie than this.
So just make Daredevil instead.
Yeah. Oh, and last night, I watched the Snake Eyes GI Joe movie.
Oh, it was also terrible, but better than this movie.
Fair enough. Just they don't make me think.
Rest in peace, Ray Stevenson.
He wasn't in Daredevil, but he was the Punisher at one point.
Hmm. Hmm. It was also Volstagg of the Warriors three and the Thor movies.
No connection to this film.
I just wanted to be like he was a good actor. I liked him.
So, yeah, that's how you make a better movie.
You just make something else.
Yeah, you make something else. Don't do this.
But also the original script didn't have the terrorist subplot in it.
The original script was just him running from the government,
and then they added the terrorists to put in a villain of this film.
That's the only thing about the government.
Yeah, not in this country.
Also, originally, there were 10 bombs.
That's too many bombs. Yeah.
I like the point that they don't do anything with the first bomb in this film
anyway, like the bomb.
The bomb is irrelevant to this movie.
Nobody goofed up, but it was a dream.
Had a boo boo.
It was a future dream possibility.
Yeah. Maybe the way dumb.
Yeah. Yeah. This movie was terrible.
Yeah. Quotes when he's described when he's described to Jessica, be on his stage
and ends like Frank Cadillac.
I just combined two things I loved Frankenstein Cadillacs.
It's a good way to go about it.
Like if I had to name myself, I would probably name myself
after things I enjoyed as well.
What would you pick?
If I had to choose two things, Ruebarb or Barcelona.
I do like Ruebarb.
I've never been to Barcelona.
Neither have I. Actually, I like it.
The Barcelona Olympics were by far my least favorite, so fuck them.
And I probably choose like Donkey Show Honeypot.
That's pretty good.
Yeah. Quit Kaiser so saying that.
I can't help it.
So I'm looking at things in Peter's basement.
If we were at Donkey Show, if we'd stop recording in Tijuana,
we wouldn't have these problems.
But I'm not back.
Not allowed back in America yet.
Yeah. So Mike or Mike, well,
Nick Cage is just like explaining to the fucking feds
and like how to go about this like extraction.
And one of the guys like tries to like, OK,
so we're going to go in and do this.
And Cage is just like, if you could just be quiet
and do exactly what I say, I'll save your life.
It's like, oh, God, such a dumb line.
I loved it.
So I want to talk about real briefly
how your brain tried to save you from how bad this movie is
by rearranging the order of things to where this movie had an ending.
Yeah. Yeah. Your version was actually your version was better.
I thought there was an ending after the non-ending. No.
Like your brain was just like, this is dumb.
We don't we don't agree with this reality.
We'll make up our own. Yeah.
So the other connected tissue of both these films is they don't end.
They don't have endings.
Two characters named Kendall and no endings.
Well, no satisfactory endings.
They just the grandpa got an ending.
Yeah, that that melon went.
Mm. So, Nick,
what do you want to suggest to go forward?
Because I'll probably just agree with whatever you say.
Mom and dad.
Oh, I was going to say next. Yeah.
You know, mom and dad just has more Nicholas Cage performance I can enjoy.
Yeah, the movie sucked, but at least I've got that.
It's got some great nothing.
And it's got great full full on cage.
Yeah. So for just for the sake of full cage,
I will bequeath my vote for next.
Unless unless you just want to move Primal forward.
No. OK. I'd rather watch either of these.
I'd rather watch either of these movies again.
That's actually a lie.
You're just digging in your heels.
You're just being mean now.
Yeah. Did you like I just being hateful.
I didn't like Primal at all.
Nobody liked Primal.
I mean, I liked Primal, but I think Adam liked Primal.
Yeah. Adam, what does surprise me?
Adam's got like a real primal kind of like aura about him.
Adam liked his. Adam enjoyed his time watching it with John.
That's fair. Yeah.
And isn't that what this is all about?
No, that's what's watching movies with John.
I hope that's season two.
Boy, I hope after we finish this, we kidnap John.
Let's watch a movie with him.
No, but I mean, season.
I mean, part of I mean, part of season two is us watching,
getting to watch these movies together finally.
For sure. Yeah.
Which will makes which will make mom and dad a lot more palatable.
We'll watch half of these movies together.
50% of them will be eliminated.
I mean, the movies that go forward, obviously, like Primal.
Yeah, I know.
Now, I'm just going to bring Primal and I'm going to put it in.
It's going to be like every time I make it's like, God damn it, Nick.
Is this primal again?
It's like every time I try to trick Pete into watching Fast and the Furious four.
I just put it in.
Amazing. I want you to do the effort of like actually cutting
the beginning of the regular movie that we think we're going to watch.
And then after the like intro credits or whatever, it's just like,
God, just fucking primal.
Yeah. All right.
We're Jack. So right, Jack.
You heard it. A million.
You heard it here, people.
Mom and dad is the winner.
It's so good.
We definitely watch it now.
I mean, about these films, it does have the most enjoyable five minutes.
Of both these films.
Agreed. Yeah. Yeah.
I want to talk about one more thing in next real quick.
So he's a stage magician.
That's how he earns his living.
But then he also hustles casinos using his two minute power to read cards.
He's got to get out of the casino because he knows they're on to him
because of his two minute power.
So he escapes the casino and a fun little like predicting
where he's going to go.
Yeah, that was kind of fun. Steals a car.
That part was dumb.
Goes to see Colombo.
Yeah. Who might be his dad?
Absolutely no clue about the relation.
Yeah. But goes to see Colombo.
Peter Falk, rest in peace. He's dead, right?
Yeah. OK. Dead to me.
He knows what he did.
Solve this mystery.
Real complicated opinions on Colombo going around here.
The cops are chasing him.
There's this whole thing.
I'm like, the man collects a paycheck in Vegas.
He works for another casino.
You know, he does, because when they are watching him on the camera,
they'd be like, isn't that Frank Cadillac?
He works over at Blah Blah Blah.
Why are you putting in all this effort when you can just show up at his job tomorrow?
Go get him. So fucking dumb. Yeah.
Hey, so next episode, though, we've got some interesting stuff.
A number four seed against a 13 seed with Conair and Rage.
And my younger brother is our special guest.
So that should be interesting.
These are very special guests. Yes.
These are three things I know nothing about.
Conair. You've never seen Conair. Never seen Conair.
Oh, yeah, that's right. We did talk about that.
I think you missed Conair and The Rock.
Yeah, that's fucking wild.
I can understand not watching The Rock.
It was one of those things like I didn't, you know, fucking wonder.
What did Conair come out? 1997.
I don't know.
Hmm. If I had to guess, I think the three movies I watched the most growing up
were Men in Tights.
Hmm.
Uh, maybe Conair. I watched Conair a lot and Stripes.
Oh, yeah, we talked about this a little bit in one of the other episodes, I think.
Go back two minutes.
Well, fuck any last thoughts or should I do my little outro?
And then you guys outro.
Don't don't watch these movies.
Don't go ahead. Watch them.
Yeah. Just also know that they suck shit.
If you want to watch Mom and Dad, it's on Hulu.
Yeah. More.
I know what we're going to be cutting out of this episode.
Let's go back two minutes.
Good night, everybody.
Rate review. Subscribe.
Thank you. It really does fucking help us.
We are on Reddit at Cage Match Pod.
We are on Instagram at Cage underscore match underscore pod.
If you are interested in supporting us, we are on Patreon at Cage Match.
And thank you to our Sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt and Adam.
And to our cage dancers, Ira, John and our new dancer entering the stage.
Freeman, love you, Freeman.
Thank you for your support.
Yeah, thanks for listening.
Podcast. Oh, damn your ass.
I know it's fucking wild. Really bad.
I don't think it's going to stop. No, it's not.
All right. Let's go take pictures. Bye, everybody.
Good night. My ass.
Yes. Go back two minutes.
Oh, no.
Bye bye.
Peter started again.
Hey, Peter, to save us time later when we do knowing in a month,
can you just take our review of next and just change
every time one of us says next to knowing?
Yep. That was a good clean shot on knowing Nick.
Can I get one knowing?
Knowing knowing good.
We'll see you next month. Knowing.
So what did you eat today?
I did a Spanish roast pork with a Roman.
No, this is all that.
So the hatred and bile of these movies trying to get out.
Yeah, no, because it's not getting out the front the front hole fast enough.
The movies were no good. I had to put something good in me.
Fair enough. Ah, as to ask.
So I have I have a funny as to ask story. Oh.
So back back when I was married to previous guest Meredith,
we had a joke where we were, you know, were you guys married before?
I hadn't heard that.
We used to joke around like do like a butt bumping and be like, hey, but stuff.
So one day we're at a dinner party at their mom's house
and just walk by and, you know, I do that and we both get hit.
But stuff, we do it quietly because, you know, there are guests
and Meredith's mom goes, what's butt stuff?
And Meredith turns to their mother and goes, it's anal sex, mother.
In front of the entire kitchen.
Her kitchen. Oh, I do, too.