Oh god. Oh my god.
Fuuuuck!
We're never doing a rock version of this.
No.
What would we call that though?
Rock bottom.
Considering how we feel about his acting, yeah.
You don't want to watch the Tooth Fairy?
Not really. I'd rather watch The Pacifier with Vin Diesel.
Yeah.
Welcome back to Cage Match, colon a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage.
I am your host Sean, here with my other host...
Nick! I'm Nick!
...and our producer...
Peter, hello.
...and this week we have a special guest back for the second time...
Beer! Oh, also...
Adam. I brought the beer.
Thank you, Adam.
Good job. It's good to be back. Thank you for having me.
You all know how much I love the National Treasure franchise.
I mean, yeah.
So I appreciate you indulging me on this.
It's nice that you can actually talk about the first one now,
versus just talking about the sequel without a lot of context.
Yeah, so Peter, you watched these out of order.
Yeah.
The second one couldn't have made sense to you.
I managed to make the leap.
You know, I did some of that talk-out-loud brain thinking,
and I put it together.
Ah, nice.
It's such a tight-knit story though.
So this week we are talking about 2019's Primal,
and 2004's National Treasure.
That was 2004?
Yeah.
Those were different times.
Simpler times.
I was forgetting what year I graduated high school versus college.
Yeah, you're not as old as you think you are.
I feel like I'm twice as old as I think I am.
Yeah, 100%.
The difference between 19-year-old Sean and 38-year-old Sean
is I'm worse at math.
Yeah, they don't have like annual refreshers for them
once you get into the real world.
Yeah, so this is Cage Match,
a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage,
where we bracket-style, take 64 Nick Cage movies,
and put them head-to-head in four different categories.
Tough, funny, serious, and fucking weird.
Wacky.
And we are in...
Tough guy.
This must be tough guy.
Yeah, this is action cage.
Action movies.
I don't think I realized that you made like four...
Oh yeah, the regions.
Yeah, I think I missed that.
That's awesome.
It actually works out really nicely.
So in the end, you know, we'll funnel it down into four top from each of those.
So that'll be kind of cool.
These movies, it's a number six seed with National Treasure
and a 11 with Primal.
Oh, perfect.
And I'm going to pretend like I understand what any of that means.
National Treasure, 2004, Nicolas Cage plays...
Benjamin Franklin Gates.
Diane Kruger is Abigail Chase.
Justin Bartha is Riley Poole and Sean Bean plays Ian Howe.
I always forget that John Voight's in these films.
It's still weird that he's in a movie about American conspiracies.
But going back to a previous episode, Sean, I'm sorry that Helen Mirren's tits weren't in this movie.
I mean, Helen Mirren's not even in this one.
It's a real loss that Helen Mirren isn't in this one.
You could always just Google her while you watch it.
Probably did.
So, Adam, as our National Treasure expert, what's this movie about?
So my first time seeing this was with my parents and my brother and my younger sister.
And it was fun.
Like it is a fun movie.
It's probably more fun 20 years ago than it is now.
Our relationship with America is a bit different now.
There's that.
Also, I had very little expectation of this movie.
Seeing it for the first time, I was 20 years old.
And it wasn't like, oh, that changed me.
Like, I'm going to go home and like listen to Kid A and do mushrooms.
But what else?
Do you guys want to listen to Kid A and do mushrooms?
It was just like, it was so much better than you could have expected.
2004, Nick Cage might have only been really a big deal for maybe 10 years at that point.
Yeah, it was definitely a different era.
But he had come off of I think adaptation was one that came pretty shortly right before this.
Mastiff Man, adaptation, Lord of Wars right after this, and Weatherman.
I mean, this is kind of peak second wave cave.
Ghost Rider is like five movies after this.
When was Army of One again?
The only movie that matters, I think 2016.
Perfect.
So right in between these two movies.
Don't check the math on that.
It's right in the middle.
We're not a math pod.
Nope.
I also thought the movie was pretty well produced, directed.
Like the script, the script wasn't that good.
Okay, so we'll just jump in.
It starts in like, I don't remember 1976 and he's a kid and he's in his grandfather's attic.
And his grandfather's, what's his name, Plummer?
The like, really?
No, not Martin.
Gloss over that.
Nope.
Christopher Plummer.
There you go.
Thank you.
So Hunter Gomez playing.
Young Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin Gates is in the attic of his grandfather's house.
This is like the first minute of the movie.
Christopher Plummer comes up there and is like, there is a treasure that only our family knows about.
And like he gets this clue of a treasure that's been fought over for like millennia at that point.
The Templar's treasure.
Yeah, the Templar's treasure and the Masons, the Freemasons have gotten hold of it and are moving it around to like fuck with the British.
And to keep it safe.
And all they have is this one clue.
The secret lies with Charlie.
Yeah.
And that has been at that point, like leading up into the 70s where we're in this attic now.
So Ben Gates played by our hero, Nick Cage, he's like military and has like degrees in history and policy and all kinds of stuff.
And he becomes this treasure hunter moving on into like the seventh minute of the movie.
He's in what I think is the Arctic at that point with Sean Bean and some goons.
Well, and Justin Barth.
Yeah, and Riley.
Riley, who is like the best sidekick who's such a 90s kind of hacker character.
Yeah.
This could have had a much more interesting opening scene if the first scene was just Ben Gates watching Indiana Jones.
So they're in these like weird snowcat machines and they can just cross the Arctic with no problem.
And they have technology that definitely isn't real or didn't exist.
And they can just be like, we're almost there if the coordinates are correct.
Satellites existed in 2004.
Sure.
Yeah, I just really liked that one guy being like, how do we even know this is right?
And then Riley says a bunch of things that don't mean anything and don't actually point to any like conclusions.
And he's just like, so, you know, could be that.
And it's like, you're it.
But don't and then he says like, but don't trust me, I broke a shoelace today.
Yeah.
And he's like, what's bad, bad luck?
Fuck.
They end up finding their location with some metal detectors or some shit.
And they dig up a whole last ship named Charlotte, named Charlotte after the spider and.
Some pig.
That was actually the answer to the secret or the clue.
You guys brought me over.
You guys brought me over here just to fuck with me, didn't you?
You're not going to let me get through this at all.
This isn't even an actual recorded episode.
How deep does a metal detector detect?
Well, that's the thing is that that ship was only like two feet under the snow.
Somehow it's been buried there for like 150 years.
But like Nick Cage dug it up using a bottle of water.
Second time he's used bottles of water in these.
Yeah, that's that's how you find treasure.
So they get in the ship and they think there's going to be a treasure.
And instead they find a powder keg that has like some ancient pipe with an inscription
that you have to apply ink or in this case, blood to so you can read it.
That was my that's one of my favorite scenes, though, is he recognizes that like,
oh, we have to like rub blood on this and roll it out onto a piece of parchment.
And then he's reading it.
And he does it for anybody that got to listen to the episode with National Treasure 2.
He does the sort of same thing where he's like that that super Jeff Goldblum.
Like, what does it mean?
It's the the pen, the iron pen, the pen is iron.
It's made of no, it's not made of it.
It's wet in the it's a there's lead in the pen.
No, it's heavy.
It's mineral. Oh, God.
And it was just so dumb that he was able to figure out that riddle.
I know it's in about your class in about 30 seconds of talking out loud of being wrong
about everything and then just and then just knew after that to be fair.
That's how every one of us has gotten through life.
Just talking and being wrong about everything until we say the right thing.
That's just living.
One of the only fun facts that I found was, you know, as he's doing that,
one of the other guys is like, it's a prison.
It's a prison.
Talking about a prison.
And then the iron man.
Yeah. And then Riley just says Albuquerque.
I can do it to snorkel.
That's apparently a weird Al reference.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, that's exciting.
Yeah. He lost his lucky glow in the dark autograph snorkel when he went to Albuquerque.
Hey, weird Al, if you're listening.
Oh, he is. We love you.
We were at your concert. We were at your concert.
It was amazing. He played Albuquerque. It was a blast.
At this point, Sean Bean's angry that there's not a there's not a treasure on the ship.
So he blows it up and tries to trap Nick Cage.
He doesn't know about Riley pool.
And well, he said, well, it's his plan to steal the declaration.
So Ben can figure out the map.
The map is on the back of the declaration.
Yeah. And that's when Sean Bean's like, I have other skills besides writing checks,
which I don't think he does.
I think he just writes checks to people with with other skills,
because he had the one time he tries to he physically tries to break into a place.
They get arrested by like 90 cops who couldn't have been that well hidden.
He solved one part of one riddle once.
Yeah. He does the junior jumble.
The stealing of the declaration, that scene was that sequence.
Oh, the heist was great.
That was probably the best part of the whole movie.
They figure out it's on the back of the declaration.
Sean Bean's like, well, I'm going to steal it.
And then Ben's like, well, we can't do that.
So here's a really long plan to steal it ourselves.
To protect it. Yeah.
And that's where we meet Abigail Chase, Diane Krueger.
She was not great in this movie.
No. Second one, she's better.
Yeah. I do still really like a couple of weeks to practice.
I still really do like just their bantering in these films.
No, they have fine chemistry.
Yeah, they have fine chemistry. I enjoy the banter.
There was a lot of telling women to shut up in this movie.
I was surprised by that.
2004, simpler times.
Different times.
Just after Friends.
I mean, how many women are in this movie?
There's her and then there's an urban outfitters cashier.
Yeah. And the lady at the National Archives thrift store,
which was just a Visa ad.
A lot of ad placements in this movie.
Like when they went to Jersey Mike's and he had to like
steal a foot long cheesesteak and a buddy had to wrap it
in the Declaration of Independence.
They don't handle that Declaration of Independence
with any fucking reverence after the initial scene
where they handle it with reverence.
Then everyone is like rubbing their face oils all over it.
The first scene where they have to like roll it out
and like there's gloves and everyone's like,
and then every other scene they're just whipping it out
of the sheet and just tearing it open.
Well, they didn't have time then.
Yeah.
Apparently they had to like look for a secret
hidden messages like now.
It also kind of pissed me off.
So he steals this Abigail chases all mad.
She gets kidnapped and then he kidnaps her back to safety.
Yeah.
Just like the kind of the and like and like has to take her
to has to take her to Philadelphia and tie up his dad.
We made a couple big leaps.
Yeah, then they're just like we're going to put lemon juice
all over this because we have to see this map and she's like
if anybody's going to do this, it's going to be me because
I'm trained to handle documents like this and like an hour ago.
She's being kidnapped by this guy.
Yeah.
And now they're sharing a breath over it.
Yeah, exactly.
I do like I do like the reasoning she's there because they
are just like you're free to go and she's like, well,
if you really didn't want me to come with you,
you probably wouldn't have told me where you were going.
Yeah.
Did we want to talk about the heist at all?
I love heist.
You love I mean, I do love heist.
I thought it was a pretty lackluster heist.
He uses the Declaration of Independence to avoid getting
shot.
Yeah, I mean it had like good moments, but it was really
like a heist of like a couple beats.
That's fair, but there are two heists going on because when
he's like, well, I don't really consider Ian's heist a heist.
That's not a heist.
That's burglary.
That's just like armed robbery.
Yeah, that's fair.
So both these both the first and second one like are in the
Library of Congress for like decent amounts of this.
I mean they were in the Library of Congress for like a minute
when Riley's like here's all these records and then they
shifted the scene out of it.
Yeah, I'm getting that.
The other one spends a lot more time.
National Archives.
This one's just.
I was getting that confused.
California Public Schools.
Yeah, I understand.
I do like how all of their security measures are just
readily available for them to like look at.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know what the Library of Congress actually
gives out, but I don't think it's like the security measures
that protect the Declaration of Independence.
I don't think they just have that on file even like if you
have to look between seven different files to piece it
together.
I don't think that's available.
Yeah, I don't think the Library of Congress is telling you
like if you come in and you shine a green laser in this
quarter inch little now Dealey Bob.
Here's a question.
What if they do and all we have to do is go to the Library
of Congress and we can do like a lot of crime.
Then the only thing holding us back is illiteracy.
Well, all right.
I guess that's our first is our next podcast.
That's our first field trip.
Nick and Sean learn to read.
This is going to be a sweet podcast.
I don't know that high level literacy is typically the best
in for crime.
Like we're not talking about crime.
We're talking about high stand.
We're talking about good crime.
Yeah, book crime book crime.
Okay, you're right.
We're going to find treasures guys totally not related to
book crime, but I was walking my dog the other day and I
found a pile of Asian import porno DVDs.
And we're going to watch them right now.
Yeah.
So I've got a new.
It's a live idea.
Get nice.
Did you keep them?
I mean, are you asking if I'm just in possession of them?
Yes, because I don't intend on keeping them.
These are like one and done.
Did you make well carry them?
Yeah, I got little saddlebags that are bigger than him.
That way when you get weird looks like, yeah, my dog's a
freak.
Don't kick shame my dog.
It's okay.
Wallace.
See, I'm a weird boners.
You want they steal the Declaration of Independence.
Abigail gets kidnapped by Sean Bean and then unkidnapped by
kidnapping.
Yeah.
Well, he saves her and then they just don't take her back
because they can't go back because they have his credit
card information, which means they know who he is.
He'd set up some kind of weird room in his apartment so that
he could he could put lemons on the Declaration of Independence,
but he can't go there now.
So he has to go to his dad's house in Philadelphia.
Why does his dad have so many fucking lemons?
He has like 43 lemons in the refrigerator pre-cut because
Patrick is hosting a lot of lemon parties.
Do any of you keep lemons in your refrigerator?
Is that where you store lemons?
This is the same guy that also just had like a grip of pizza
sitting out on like some coffee table in like a sitting room.
Yeah, still warm.
Super nice East Coast home.
And he's going there because his father played by John Voight.
Apparently is in possession of the original copies of the
silence do good letters.
Is that a real thing?
Has anybody ever looked that up?
Yeah, it's very real.
Okay, all of that's real.
I'd be frankly shocked to find out that there are originals.
I mean, I'd be frankly shocked to find out there was a map on
the back of the Declaration of Independence.
If that's where our level of what shocks us is Adam.
To be fair, there was never a map on the back of the
Declaration.
What if that had just been like a one-off?
It's just been like a daguerreotype porn is flipping
those special spectacles.
Just Franklin porn.
Oh God, Benjamin Franklin.
What you know that guy was into it.
Like that's a well-known fact.
Yeah, it's like one of those pens where you turn it upside
down and the bikini top floats off.
There you go.
It's like you flip the lenses back and forth.
It's like, hmm.
Oh girl.
Yeah, you naughty.
Put that bodice on.
Now take it off.
You just got to flip the declaration upside down.
The Declaration of Independence is like the original
Magic Eye.
But yeah, they go over to Patrick Gates' place in
Philadelphia.
Where they eat pizza and then handle the Declaration of
Independence and they find a cipher key on the back.
Which they determine is why they need the silence do-good
letters.
The cipher key will give them the answer to the next clue.
He had like photocopies in his apartment.
Yeah, when Sean Bean solves the puzzle to his friend just
like pulls up the silence do-good website.
Yeah, they Yahoo'd it.
Yeah, because it was 2004.
It's like why didn't they just do that at Patrick Gates'
house? If it's just that easy, why is this happening?
Sean Bean does the whole thing.
He's working on his pad and he's like, oh, that's right.
Why is silence capitalized?
That's right.
Yeah, that's right.
Keeps coming back to it.
Yeah, it's like why are these two letters capitalized?
Because they're important.
Well, all shucks, bud.
Because they're names.
Yeah.
So then later they Yahoo'd it.
I do want to say I do really like Sean Bean's like head
goon.
Yeah.
You know, not Vinnie Jones.
It's like, it's not Vinnie Jones.
Now, it's not Vinnie Jones.
It wasn't Vinnie Jones.
Just kind of realized that treasure maps are fucking
bullshit.
Go on.
It's fucking ridiculous.
It's like I'm going to hide this thing that's super important,
but I'm going to also leave a dick ton of clues all over the
place.
It's a good point, though.
Treasure maps are fucking dumb, but I'm also going to leave
clues and I'm going to make these clues like super
figureoutable by people 200 years from now.
Where were we?
Yes.
So silence do good letters.
Yeah.
So they have to go and look at the letters, the actual letters,
but they're all wanted by the Fed.
So they hire some kid.
They pay a kid to go in for a dollar a dollar letter.
This is my least favorite part.
So the racist know the puzzle.
No, that kid fucking that kid actually really good.
I have thoughts about another kid later in this podcast.
I hated that fucking tower time puzzle.
Well, because you needed to give Riley like one thing.
He also solved that puzzle with a bottle of water.
Did he?
Yes, because he took the hundred dollar bill and he used it
as a magnifying glass to look at the clock.
Jesus Christ.
What was killing me though is Rachel brought it up to when
we were watching it.
She was like, so the clock tower casts a shadow and what do
they do if it's overcast or it's not the correct season?
Good fucking point.
It must be good for just one day and you didn't take after
this film and tell her shut up.
I'm confident.
Shut up of your mouth.
I had not actually thought about that.
I mean, I thought it was kind of a stupid gag, but I know I
not actually thought the second she said it.
I was like, oh yeah, this wouldn't work most of the time.
Okay, but see, here's what bothered me about this puzzle is
so at two o'clock the tower where the Liberty Bell was held
will like cast a shadow over a specific brick that within
it is the special like 3D glasses of the red and blue.
But the thing is once he gets on the roof and he's looking
at it, there's a giant Mason symbol on it.
So I'm like, has no one ever questioned that?
Like nobody ever reroofed that building.
Yeah.
Nope.
The the Mason symbols in the top right corner.
So, you know, there's a secret inside.
That's how you know.
Yeah, but also it's so previously established with the
Declaration of Independence.
Uh-huh.
But yeah, so then there's an extended chase sequence through
like, oh, I forgot about that scene.
Yeah, it was like just a Saturday.
Just a normal.
I was like going through Pike Place Market.
Yeah, she just dove behind a butchers.
But then I do like the market scene, not Vinnie Jones when
Abigail's hiding behind like the fish vendor like in the
stall.
She says she's hiding from her ex-husband and the one is
working assaults like get the guy to go.
It's like, can I help you sir?
And he just looks at it goes shut up.
All right.
There you go.
There's another one.
Then she says I could see why you left him.
Yeah, that chase scene through Philadelphia across the roof
and through the yeah, there are sorts of chases happening.
It was it was split up.
It was just a weird a weird segue like it didn't need to
happen.
Well, it gave Sean Bean the declaration.
It also and then it also firmly established him as like the
villain.
Yeah, and then yes, you know only an hour and 20 minutes
into this movie Ben gets arrested.
This is where this and this is where Harvey Keitel starts to
really make become a firm right.
Harvey Keitel is also in this movie.
I forgot.
Yeah, he plays certain Sadusky.
Yeah, yeah, but that's like that's the point.
His finger on like, you know, no, no, no.
He's he's introduced.
He's introduced in DC at the heist and then he's brought
back in Philadelphia when they when they go when they find
out he's he's been at his dad's place.
But like after this this chase scene and Ben Gates is arrested.
That's when he really gets to make a firm established
character and he does become critical character through the
rest of the movie at that point in the sequel to I mean kind
of what in custody they make a deal to get the declaration
back from Sean Bean by going to a naval ship like on a tour.
Yeah, they basically combined forces.
He has to jump off a ship because Sean Bean's guys are in
the water with scuba gear to get him away.
I've always wanted to have one of those like scuba missile
things.
Yeah, those would be great.
Wouldn't it be cool?
That'd be so much fun as somebody who doesn't swim super
well would have been very handy would have been fantastic
that time.
My kayak tipped over at Lake Washington.
Shout out to the people who rescued us that one time.
They gave me a ham sandwich.
And this is where we're kind of starting.
We're finally in the final like 30 minutes of this film.
They get to yeah, they wrap it up pretty quick.
Yeah, they find out where the vault is underneath or with
in a Mason's like under Trinity Church under Trinity Church
Broad Street and here.
But the wall was probably in Wall Street here.
And yeah, and the clues are dumb.
See, here's the thing where I think the second movie is
better is there's an actual like cool dungeon.
And this one it's just like here's an old elevator that
Ben Franklin made.
Here's some shitty stairs.
Good luck, y'all.
Yeah, and then that dude just fucking falls to his death
horribly.
Yeah, not Vinnie Jones.
That was fucking awesome.
Also, that's part of the movie.
Something that I didn't scream much something that I perfect
opportunity for a Wilhelm screen, right?
Sorry, something that I hadn't picked up on it.
Admittedly very stupidly hadn't picked up on in probably
the dozen or so times.
I've seen this movie is when they get into that vault and
they're like, oh, that's a that's a chandelier and he
hits his torch to it and like lights up that entire shaft
that that whole thing was made of wood.
I was sitting there looking at it.
I was like, I don't know how I just glossed over this for
the last 20 years chandelier of wood.
You're in a room full of wood.
That's old as fuck with no ventilation.
Yeah.
So yeah, there's a little action where like all the stairs
are falling apart.
They have to jump on these elevators at one point.
Nick Cage has to choose between the girl and the declaration.
Do you trust me?
Yeah, being directed is like imagine you're somehow Indiana
Jones and Han Solo at the same time.
To be fair, Nick Cage did steal the kiss before that scene.
So she fell.
He got that scene was so dumb.
Yeah, when they're especially because the goon the goon
follow.
What doesn't this ever happen to me like in that that shitty
Scottish accent because you're a bad guy, dude.
Yeah, you don't get smooches.
Yeah, but yeah, like he drops her on that thing after previously
seeing a dude fall on a piece of that wood.
For him just stepping on it.
Do you trust me?
But they get down there.
They find an empty chamber.
There's a lamp in there.
There's a lantern in there.
The Gates's spin some bullshit about how you know, Paul Revere
reference.
So the next clues in Boston, so they send them off and they
leave them down there to either die or to come back for if
the clues not there.
The good guys in the good guys.
Riley, Ben, Patrick and Abigail and then they're in the room.
Then they find the actual treasure vault behind a hidden
wall, but it's already been cleared out.
And then that's when father and son have the holes like, you
know, you were right son.
Yeah, we didn't find it, but it means it's true.
It means we'll find it one day.
And then yeah, and then they realized like there's got to be
a way out of here.
In case your father's the first thing they would have done
after digging the original shaft is dig a secondary shaft
for air.
Yeah.
And then so we can get out of here.
They use the pipe to open a secret door to enter another
vault that has everything.
And here's my issue with this entire movie cut out the first
vault.
I really enjoyed this movie.
I have for a long time.
I will continue to enjoy it.
I really enjoyed my rewatch of it.
It definitely was overwritten.
I agree with you.
So they find the treasure then.
Yes, there's a staircase.
There's another door that leads to out of another grave right
next to the first one, which means if you just would have
gone two slats over you could have avoided all of that
bullshit.
That wasn't that wasn't in the clues.
I know but it's my same issue with the game Skyrim.
You go through an annoying door over there.
You go through an annoying ass dungeon to get a treasure
and then there's just a back door.
Yeah, or the uncharted games.
Yeah, it's like I'm deep underground in untouched ruins.
Why is somebody shooting at me?
But yeah, then they get their freedom by when they talk to
Sandusky.
They get their freedom.
Well, yes, they secure their freedom.
They bargain with Sandusky and you know while he's talking
to Sandusky, Sandusky has a mason ring.
Yeah, and then Sandusky just happens to know all this shit
about this.
Just said to Sadusky or Sadusky.
There's a do ski is worse.
Let's say that he is definitely somebody else.
Okay, Sandusky is the guy who does other things with his
finger rings.
No, by the way, there's a pinky ring with the mason symbol
on it.
Harvey Keitel knows a bunch about the treasure.
I'm like, why didn't you just listen to him in the first
place?
Then well, obviously he doesn't want him to like go looking
for it finds anyway.
Oh, and they decide they're going to give it to all the
museums of the world because not one nation can hold this
which yeah, America would not let that happen.
No, no, that's on account of more terrible.
We we came a lot of us came from from the British who would
also not let that happen.
We learned from watching you British dad.
He had originally estimated that the value of this entire
thing was $10 billion.
Correct.
Yeah.
Well, I okay.
Yes.
He he Harvey Keitel was going to arrest him and he was like
whoa about five stories below.
Yeah, there's about $10 billion worth of history, but how
would you quantify?
Yeah, even still.
Okay.
So let's just call it $5 billion.
Sure.
What is 1% of 5 billion 1% of 5 billion would be 50 million.
I think 50 million.
So then Riley Poole walked on the $25 million and all he got
was that fucking spider.
Yeah, and that's what he's bitching about in the second
movie, which he wrecks in the second movie with a cardboard
cut out of him in it.
That's right.
It's to he has his like sports car that he doesn't know how
to drive and you know, Gates and Abigail have this like big
mansion and then she gives him a map and he's like, what's
it to it's like, oh, you'll find out and then he chased her
in the house.
Clitoris.
I was gonna say butt stuff, but they're not Millennials.
So the clitoris is probably off the table too.
And that's national trailer.
Hashtag just boomer things.
Adam, do you have a particular quote from this film?
The one that always has kind of stuck out to me as like a
cagey kind of quote was when they're in the park right after
stealing the declaration and re-kidnapping Abigail Chase to
safety and she's like trying to she's just doing a horrible
job of acting and trying to steal the declaration.
I don't remember the exact quote, but it's the way he
delivered it where he's like, I'm going to let you hold onto
this and he hands her the decoration of his fence.
Yes, if you'll shut up, mine is mine is similar because it's
when they're in the van going to where that happens like
they're fighting.
He's like, you're still shouting and starting to annoy.
I did like when he asked her if she was hungry in that scene.
My favorite was actually not about telling women to shut
up at the the gala there at the thingy Riley's talking to Ben
over a headset and Ben's just changing out of his like
custodian clothes into a tuxedo and Riley's like, how do
you look and Cage just looks in a mirror.
He's like not bad.
And Riley's like mazel tov.
It's like they're obviously doing separate readings not
connected to each other.
Cage is just like so serious.
Like how do I look?
Not bad.
It's like that is that is not what he's doing here.
You're not picking up what he's laying down mazel tov.
Also, I mean for Josh because he's he is a patron and we'd
be remiss if we didn't mention the quote last time this
document was here.
It was being signed because he quotes a lot.
What's so good?
Cage good movie bad cage.
Good movie bad bad.
Good.
Bad.
Good.
Bad.
Good.
Bad.
Perfect.
I know that I don't get to have a vote.
So I'm just going to go first.
I mean you got to vote on this part.
I still get to talk medium medium cage good movie.
That's a cop out.
I'm going to I'm going to okay if I can't do medium because
I was also going to do the inversion of that.
I think this was a medium movie.
Good cage.
You know, there's good cage.
I thought that he played that character of like somewhat
charismatic treasure hunter, you know, smart adventure.
I never like pretty well.
I think I misunderstood the assignment.
I did this did not feel like I thought he did a good job.
I just did not feel like I mean this was like the cagey
est role.
No, this is I mean also I mean that's on your definition.
Look at the movies.
I listed off that were coming out around this time.
This is kind of his return to not serious roles, but he
did adaptation to movies before this matchstick men was
next Lord of Wars coming up.
This is a little more in his movie star movie star.
Yeah, era.
I would say good cage good movie and it's I mean, it's a
it's also a Disney movie, right?
It is.
Yes Rockhammer production.
It was almost a touchstone picture, which is when it goes
slightly older, but they got it to PG.
Yeah, I mean this will not be the last time I've seen this
movie saying so I'm with Peter.
I thought it was good.
Good cage medium movie.
We've seen better heists.
We've seen better puzzle-solving, you know, we've seen more
concise stories.
Definitely that we've definitely seen all of those things
multiple times.
Yeah, I mean it's a mid seed.
Yeah, if this thing were 20 minutes shorter, I think oh,
we've got a tight fun fucking romp of a movie.
Yeah, if you could break it down and make it 30 minutes
shorter.
Yeah, put it in and at like an hour 45.
You'd have me there.
Yeah.
Now. I mean, that's really the thing is this just it's so
long take a minute away from every scene.
You'll easily lose half an hour from this movie.
Right like I mean won't miss any content just just the
scene where the the declaration exchanges hands because I
don't remember Abigail or Riley or whoever fucking falls down
and it goes out.
It's like run over by a bus and shit and then it just like
the slow mo of Sean Bean like walking up in in a suit.
It's way oversized.
Did you all notice that this it's of an era Riley Poole's
pants were way oversized.
Okay.
Every time.
No, that reminds me.
This is the thing that happens in every movie when someone
almost gets hit by a semi that just blares its horn because
someone like runs in the street that semi never stops.
No, never no one ever stops to get out of the truck and be
right.
Are you okay or what the fuck here's they just keep going.
Those guys get paid by how quickly they get there delivered
by Sean's was always just like Sean Beans.
She's fucking fun.
Sean Beans costume designer in that movie was Janko like it
was fucking ridiculous.
I was just thinking I would love to see a movie and just in
the background like super serious movie in the background
on some Street scene see some asshole and some jankos or see
a jugalow just hanging out full stove pipes and extra does
anyone else remember Urban Outfitters?
Oh, yeah, they still exist.
Do they're around.
Oh my God.
I mean hot topic those things are all around.
I haven't been to a mall in like a word.
You where do you meet women?
They don't.
Yeah, speaking of a movie that is a lot shorter, but probably
could have shaved about 20 minutes off.
It comes in at a crisp hour and 37.
37 minutes with credits.
Yeah, which you got to watch the credits.
Okay, wait, of course.
What about an after credit scene?
2019's Primal which brings back all of the CG technology
of a late 90s Jumanji.
The animal was in this movie is so fucking bad.
It's only the white jag the white jag like the monkeys are
fine because they never sign they're fine, but they never
stick on the monkeys long enough for it to matter.
Oh except for the baby monkey.
Do you remember the baby monkeys look like my nutsack?
What killed me was the fucking tapir that he's trying to
get back in a cage.
So you've got Nick cage like shuffling around with his arms
out trying to like get this fucking fake animal into a cage.
And it's terrible the tapir just walks so nonchalantly.
It's just like this is a movie.
This movie is fucking rocks.
I wish you all could have had the experience of seeing this
for the first time.
I mean, I did have that experience with a rocket scientist.
Yeah.
Talk about that.
Yeah, play some groundwork.
So I watched this on Saturday and I was at John's house for
context.
John is a rocket scientist.
Also a cage dancer for the pod and an eventual guest.
John had asked me to come over to teach him how to bake bread
which takes a lot of time and I was like, I've got some stuff
going on.
I've got school and I've got type.
I've got to watch this movie and he's like, well, we can
watch that movie while we're baking bread and listener if I
can give you any piece of advice if you want to watch Primal
for the first time 20 minutes and 20 minute installments is
the way to do it.
Agreed 20 minutes take 15 minutes off and come back and
start over.
Nicholas Cage plays Frank Walsh, Fenca Jensen plays Dr.
Ellen Taylor and everyone else is probably an extra from
Burned Notice.
Kevin Durant.
Come on Kevin Durant.
Okay.
He was excellent.
He was amazing in this movie.
He out caged cage.
Yes, true.
If this is the most phoned in cage performance, I feel we've
seen.
Oh, yeah, he really shit on this one.
This one was pretty it might be the least dialed cage that
we've seen.
Yeah.
So I mean, I feel like he tried to connect with other roles
more like even Left Behind.
I feel like he tried to left behind.
He was just a fucking ham sandwich the entire time.
Yeah, but in this movie, he's just giving us the lines with
whatever reading he felt like it's a moment.
So cage had done a movie with this director before.
I don't think anybody here how old I don't think anybody
directed this movie outcast, which I mentioned earlier with
Hayden Christensen and they felt that through the production
process.
They didn't get enough like leeway to be who they wanted to
be.
So this was their ability to be who they wanted to be much
like dog eat dog was supposed to be their big one after dying
of the light.
Yeah.
Okay.
So both of those failed.
Yeah, I mean I can see what cage was trying to do.
I just think they could have used a little extra like
supervision.
So just to keep him on track in this film that cage plays
not a big game hunter.
Just he he's a an exotic game hunter exotic game hunter
like but not for killing not for killing he captured him
and then sells them to zoos all over the world.
He's an unlicensed animal capture.
Yes.
And that's like being a hydro ceramic engineer.
If you're a dishwasher and he's not good at it.
He's in his like he's in his blind at the beginning of the
film.
There is a poorly CG.
Who like Jag Jag who like, you know goes for the bait which
like tears his blind out of the thing and he has like knife
fight with the CG Panther with his with the dart.
He was going to shoot it with.
Yeah, his knockout syringe and he falls into his own pit.
Yeah.
Then he like he takes all his captured animals to a ship
that's going to get him to Mexico because they're in Brazil.
Yeah, they were in Brazil where everybody was speaking
Spanish.
That bugged me too.
It bugged a lot of people on the internet as well.
Yeah, also Spanish there to be fair.
This is early enough in the movie that people probably
still cared.
It wasn't long after this where people are like so fuck it.
He takes the animals and the Jag who at this point is white
Jag the white Jag who is the biggest thing the biggest
catcher's life.
They get him to the ship US Marshall show up with a prisoner
on the ship and then the whole like white Jag story arc fades
away until it's necessary for a final conflict isn't Kevin
Duran kind of the white Jag he's the white Jag of my heart.
You could have cut out that entire story arc and it would
have made no difference.
No, I gave him like the big waiting on that one hot off
the presses, baby.
I mean the only thing that really gives him is an excuse
to use a fucking blowgun in the final scene.
But other than that like none of that is certain like the
actual story of this movie.
None of this served by him the whole animal subplot.
Well, if it didn't have the animal subplot, why would he
be on the boat?
You two are city kids, but you and I are our country folk.
So we understand these things.
So I assume I assume at some point you've hunted.
Yeah, not very effectively.
I have very bad ADHD.
That's fine.
But I'm guessing you I'm guessing while you were trying
to hunt you weren't smoking a fucking cigar.
Thank you.
That shit and just like just like eating crackers out of
a coffee can and just being loud.
Yeah, like gin a cigar crackers just swearing like the
first the first thing to work for the first minute of
that movie.
I was like, this is just some bullshit like for all of
the bad that was in this movie.
I really enjoyed the way that it was shot the way it was
shot.
They tended to like station a lot of props in front and
it gave it this weird like faux 3D feeling really for
me the like the one redeeming quality because it felt
like that was the only intentional thing that they were
really doing.
There's one thing that carried through the whole movie
that fucking soda can in front of the camera.
Well, did anybody else actually notice that?
No, I was so distracted by how washed out the the
color palette was for this movie.
Like I could not get over it.
It wasn't even washed out in a way that it was like lights
are blowing things out.
It was just dull.
It's they just all every khaki like yeah, the vast the
vast majority of scenes, especially ones that would have
had any kind of like real action.
The actors would have been staged behind furniture and
things like that.
So they were like really away from the camera.
So it gave us like really solid depth.
My favorite part of actually what you're talking about is
all the fight scenes that happen like behind barrels and
things where you don't see any action.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the one actually fight scene with I love when they
well, I'll just I'll just fuck off then.
The one real fight scene between Nicolas Cage and Kevin
Durant is just Nick Cage is not trying at all.
That was so lame.
Neither is Kevin Durant either.
It's like, okay, he shot me from this direction.
I'll just spray bullets reload.
Oh, no, I'm talking about their actual like fight fight.
Oh, okay.
When they're like like fisticuffs and it's just like
Kevin Durant's like putting in the effort to like make it
look like he's fighting in Nick Cage is just like buckling
knees before anything even come close to him.
And he's just like, I don't want to be here.
We're going to get this one shot.
We're going to be done.
To be fair by that time Nick Cage had been shot in the leg.
So Kevin Durant's can't do it.
Last time you got shot in the leg, not recently escapes
and that is now on the ship.
His escape scene was great.
His escape scene was pretty good.
His escape let the animals loose and stole some poisonous
snakes and now is systematically taking out all the US
Marshals and taking everyone out.
It's just to reclaim the ship.
It is snakes on a boat.
It was.
It was snakes on a boat.
And only by technicality of there were two snakes and
Femke Jansen is there.
Any fewer snakes, it would be snake on a boat.
Femke Jansen is there.
Solely to be a woman.
Like she's supposedly a doctor because of dude seizures,
which is how he gets out of prison by faking a seizure.
And this is another movie in which Nick Cage tells women
to shut up a lot.
Yeah, and then they like need to give her more reason to
be there.
So they poison the ship's captain and the the worst kid
we've seen in a movie.
Oh, I didn't think Rafi was the worst kid.
He was terrible.
Why were you so upset with Rafi?
So here's like that was out there.
Okay, he's like nine.
This was this was your bad takeaway.
I'm pretty sure they got the budget was 18 million.
It made 288,000.
Yeah, it's terrible.
Thank you for doing your research.
Not only is he a terrible actor like at in the climax
when there's a shootout and fucking loffler's got the kid
by the hair and then he has to like start shooting people.
There's like an extended like 45 second like shootout and
Rafi is just standing there.
He's in shock.
His dad's dying because he's been bit by one of the snakes.
So what killed me about snakes on a boat what killed me
about Rafi wasn't anything like his dialogue sucks.
It's funny.
He's a kid like it's terrible.
Nick Cage is a drunk dude on a boat talking to a kid like
he's going to be a dick.
It's fine.
I hated his costuming so fucking much.
It's like she could have afforded better clothes.
No, I wish that they had made him not look like if someone
said draw a picture of a kid.
He looks like he looks like Ness from Mother Earth Earth
man, you know, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna put the ball cap
and the striped shirt on him and that's it.
I'm not going to click on this profile picture because this
profile picture literally of are you online dating right now?
Jeremy Nazario the kid who played Rafi.
I'm not going to click on the photo because this photo
definitely looks like it was taken during this movie.
Yeah, and I don't want to be sad that this is his only credit
Rafi's such a fucking piece of shit.
But he's a kid like that's what kids do they have kid
they're morons.
Why didn't Frank Jansen just grab him by his scruff and
tell him to sit the fuck down because she didn't have enough
spine to do that in this movie.
She was worthless.
Her character was really limited.
I have to assume just for the storyline to let Nick Cage's
Frank Walsh who is a nothing carrot who was a nothing
character like this is but like at some point at some point
you got it like she provided in his best in his best moments
when he finally like decided to stop being a shit head and
do something.
He basically became like Kevin Costner in a baseball movie.
No, just so I know I have a bit of a love affair with Red
Rock West Jean Grey.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no.
Like it's like Nick Cage plays a dude who's now in a shitty
situation and he has to like generic tough guy is way out
of it and that's what this movie is trying to be and fails on
every level.
He is nothing in this film.
This is the only time I've seen them in a movie where I'm just
like I don't buy any of this.
You don't buy any of us and it's frustrating because this is
right at that kind of start.
into that third wave cage.
And this is just awful.
I think the movie just didn't do a super good job
of selling us what he is.
He's just, I mean, kind of a shithead.
And I've known plenty of people just like him.
And I can look at him and be like, oh, yeah.
Because I don't know, I think there's a character there.
I think the movie didn't really do us any favors.
Oh, this whole this whole movie was just like,
this is a long episode of Bird Notice.
This is a this is a USA movie.
So actually, network movie.
Actually, one of my biggest issues with this movie
was feeling like the idea had a lot of legs.
The script was how many legs fucking garbage for white
jacks got really OK.
You think of this as like at least six.
You think of this as like a late 80s, early 90s
Schwarzenegger film.
It would have been awesome.
There was a lot of potential for this.
And they just fucked off with it.
I keep forgetting that there's a white
jag in this film and the writers do, too.
Oh, it shows up every time they need some kind of.
It's just a mind to mind you that the white jags in this film.
Well, no, to like, you know, keep Nick Cage's like attention split.
I think the big thing for me is that like in a Schwarzenegger
version of this movie in 1995,
he would have been a hero character even if he's a flawed hero.
Yeah. And and Nick Cage's character in interviews, he was like,
No, I play a bad guy.
Like, I'm a I'm a pretty shitty guy.
Like, yeah, I'm kind of a poacher, but not quite.
But I'm still pretty bad.
It's like he's designed to be unlikable and performed as unlikable.
Yeah. And I give him credit for that.
I I I think it was poorly written in that in that way.
And also, also have been fun.
But but to Sean's point, the main storyline was this
this military assassin that defects breaks out of a cage on a boat.
Like they set it up that this this white jag, the super rare animal,
is going to be an integral part of the story that had nothing to do with it.
Yeah. It's really just there to kill the guy at the end of the film.
Where I felt like I was left short with this movie was the Loeffler character.
Like that origin story would be really interesting.
The Frank Walsh character also really, really interesting.
And they didn't really give us either one of those.
No, they just sort of were like, here's two characters.
We're going to give you sort of a brief synopsis of how they're terrible.
And then they have to fight on a boat.
I do feel like there's a lot of potential in this script,
but this was meant to be a quick 97 minute movie.
Let's make some money.
They did. It turns out they lost a lot of money.
I would I thought that that Kevin Durant did a fantastic job.
A fantastic job of playing Loeffler.
He was very convincing as like a fucked up assassin that did not give a shit.
He just wanted to get back to like the South American jungle and assassinate people
that that felt that that he did a great job.
Go with what you do with your love and you never work.
I I would. I.
OK, I just love killing people in South Africa.
He was he was spectacular.
Really stand by his performance in that I would have liked to have learned
more about that character.
Frank Walsh actually is an interesting character to me.
And they just sort of made him like a cheap dime store bad guy.
They was like, Oh, got some animals.
I got to I got to get him to Mexico or wherever he was going.
I got to get him to Mexico. Yeah.
And then fucking Jean Grey.
Jen Kajanski. Yeah.
Like her her weird ass little flip at the end
was so predictable and stupid.
I want to talk about her at the end when Nick Cage is like,
I need you to go down and draw him out.
So go down to the galley and like make a bunch of noise.
OK, how will I know where you are?
You won't. You've just got to trust me.
Yeah. Going back to National Treasure.
And then you got to trust me.
When I'm about to throw you onto a giant wooden platform to your death.
But it's not like count to 300 and start.
It's just like, I don't know, fucking get out there and make some noise
and pray to God that I'm in a good spot.
Again, in terms of poor editing, he puts Scuddy in his room.
Scuddy being the engineer of the ship.
I liked that. I like Scuddy.
I like that character.
But like so but that dude was just smoking cigarettes at a diesel room.
When when Nick Cage finally decides he's going to hunt.
I'll tell you this.
That's OK, because diesel is actually only flammable
and it's pressurized, like atomized.
You could throw a cigarette and just like a open bucket of diesel
and it wouldn't diesel facts.
So you don't smoke the right cigarettes.
When Nick Cage is going to hunt, finally goes to decide he's going to.
He's going to go on the hunt for Durant.
He goes into his cabin, pulls out like a compound, like bow.
I'm like, where the fuck is that in this whole movie?
Also, I see why you're not allowed to have guns on ships
because everyone dies real dumbly in this film.
Yeah, they like the US marshals are terrible in this movie.
Cops are bad. Cops are bad.
To be fair, they are only US marshals.
I do. I do.
Like Jason people are like, I'm out.
I'm out. I'm in water and I need help.
I do have questions. Coast Guard.
I do have questions about like the guy leading the US marshals
after like Durant escaped and they've like had a few failed attempts
of capturing him.
It's like until we capture him, I'm the captain.
Pretty sure that's not how captaining works.
And then especially in like non-American waters.
And then Walsh is just like, well, I don't have to do what you say.
It's like, well, if you don't, I'm going to bring you up on treason
or whatever else or no mutiny or whatever else I can.
I'm like, again, you're not the captain.
This isn't your ship.
He's not part of the crew and he's not part of the crew.
I did look up the writer of this script and did more work than I did.
I can't off the top of my head name any of his other movies.
He has written quite a few and they're all kind of this about this.
Yeah. Is he a white jag?
White jag.
White jag on a typewriter writing stories.
Like, I just have my best.
There's going to be a fucking MacGuffin in this movie and it's a.
His name is his name is Hunter Jag.
He's white and he played lacrosse at Duke.
I just had my best joke this whole podcast and you all talked over it.
You can do it now.
No, it's not worth it.
The moment's gone.
You can save it.
Save it for next.
I say it was a white jag off.
Oh, that was your best joke.
You claim to that as your top achievement.
Call the shot. Yeah.
He's like, he points for outfield.
It's a grounder to third.
All right. So good cage. Good movie.
Bad cage. Bad, bad cage. Bad movie is my is my.
Couldn't even get through the whole thing.
No, just just reuse what I.
OK, I'm going to go first.
It was bad cage and bad movie.
And the thing is, I'm pretty sure I want I would never
ever recommend anybody watch it, but I really enjoyed my time with it.
I say bad cage, bad movie, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Yeah, I'm fully with you guys.
I think this was a a enjoyable, stupid fucking waste of time.
I watched it on double speed and it was fantastic.
I love myself every.
Morning, I say original show,
and that's what this movie is.
It's an episode of Burn Notice.
It's an episode of Monk.
It's an episode of Psych, and I love it for that.
But it is awful and probably I'm putting this in one of the worst cage
performances of this podcast.
Going back, I probably hadn't watched National Treasure for a couple of years,
which is rare for me because I'm watching all the time.
You have a tattoo and you have Nick Cage.
But you can't see it.
Full on his back.
You got to rub it with lemons.
Back piece of him on the fucking torch.
I thought like I really thought I was going to go into this being like, OK,
primal is going to be the one for me that I think should go through.
Oh, it's not.
I love it, but it's.
I love scenes of it as a whole, though.
I fucking needed to stop a lot.
Oh, yeah, do we have a does anyone have a quote for this film?
I have one. I have.
Um, I have one as I don't know.
I don't I want to do it justice, and I don't think I'm going to be able to.
Rafi was asking about Nick Cage's pet parrot
because that was a weird Aladdin thing going on.
And he was like, Oh, yeah, he's a real regular Einstein.
Oh, that was that was mine.
That's right. Regular Einstein.
Yeah, it was a little lispier than that.
Yeah. Einstein.
Like because he was just always drunk.
John, John, John and I had to pause the movie at that point.
And we're only like 10 minutes in.
My other one was when they're on the ship and after Durant gets out
and he starts like breaking shit, Nick Cage starts turning on faucets
and no water is coming out.
He's like calling like, you know, there's no water.
Well, how do you know?
I know who a fucking faucet works, you damn federal clown.
What do you have, Nick?
Mine was the water thing.
No, it's OK.
I could also just go with touch my cat.
I'll blow your head off. That was mine.
Great. So we just did a little steal around.
Yeah. OK.
So how about we just do this all again?
Adam just doesn't get a quote.
That's it. There we go.
Come on, guys.
All right. So what moves forward?
Primal. You're wrong.
No. And I know it's fucking national treasure.
It is not. I'm not going to sit through two hours
and 15 minutes of national treasure again.
It's it's a more it's a better it's a more fun film.
No, it's not a more fun film.
It is a longer film.
And it is a film. Primal is bad.
Yeah. And it's enjoyably bad.
It's not. Nick Cage is terrible in this film.
And this is a podcast about the best Nick Cage film.
And this is his worst performance.
It's not primal.
National Treasure is forgettably Nicholas Cage.
I don't care. It's no, it's it's got to be.
It's not.
You've got a movie that moves at a better clip.
It has more Nicholas Cage energy.
That clip. It's entertaining for what it is.
I found more entertainment from watching this movie
than I will ever find from watching National Treasure.
And National Treasure was fine.
OK, here's how I approach it.
I've got two movies and I've got a buddy coming over
and we're going to have a couple of beers and watch a movie.
Am I going to say, hey, man,
want to sit down for two hours and 15 fucking minutes
holding hands and watching National Treasure?
We're going to have to cut some.
Do you want to sit down?
You put magnets in Pete's belly.
Ninety seven minutes.
Hold hands and watch Primal, which is fucking weird as shit.
And we're going to have a lot more fun.
I didn't have I didn't have more fun with that.
That's because you watched it alone.
You need someone to hold a hand with.
And next on the next round, we can hold hands while we watch it together.
I would enjoy that. But we're not watching Primal again.
Well, we're not watching National Treasure.
So I guess we skipped this.
No, I think this is the rare.
This is the first time we'll ever have to go to a tiebreaker.
I'm not prepared for this shit.
Yeah, well, it's fucking on you, buddy.
We'll do 60 seconds each arguing our case to me uninterrupted.
So you can't trump it.
You can't fucking talk over it.
I fucking don't.
Yeah, OK. And then Peter will decide who goes on.
Prepare your case. Go.
All right. So I think Primal should win because it's the more
just, I don't know, unconventional.
Conventional character.
He's got more just like wacky line delivery.
You get to see Nicolas Cage just work against his normal
like film repertoire.
And he says things about fucking faucets.
Sean. Proceed.
Nick Cage sleeps his way through Primal.
It's not a good performance.
It's not a good Nick Cage role.
And ultimately, we're here to figure out what the best Nick Cage movie is.
And it's national treasure beats Primal.
Primal forgets its own subplot.
There's he's not even the main character.
And yeah, he plays off type, but it's not an interesting type.
And he clearly doesn't care about the role.
It needs to be national treasure.
OK, I want to rebuttal real quick.
What? No, I can't change the rules.
No, every debate has rebuttals.
And I'm just going to say really quickly,
you didn't even talk about your movie.
You spent your time talking about Primal.
It's obviously the more talkable movie.
You can't even defend national treasure
because you're too busy talking about Primal.
I was talking about how much you talked about Primal.
All right. Crossed.
You literally didn't say anything about national treasure.
I said it was the better role.
Yes. OK, yes, it's longer, but it's not worse because it's longer.
But you're going to have to watch it again and it's going to go against the rock.
Save yourself some time in the future.
Peter, my ruling national treasure.
Thank you. Sorry, Nick.
It's a poor choice.
I don't disagree with you.
And I think both of these are set up for massive failure against the rock.
But I liked his effort more in national treasure.
I think Primal ultimately is a movie that I think could have been TV episode,
and I would have been fine with that.
Like, give me that in 40 minutes and I'm fucking on.
But yeah, you're all going to regret this.
I'm just going to vote for Primal next time anyways,
because I'm a bad loser.
I love a good poor sport.
Yeah. So is Kevin Durant.
You know, I don't it's not like I bring up the fact that I have to watch Army of One Day.
It's the fact that I have to watch Army of One every episode.
Yeah. Oh, there it is.
Got it in this time.
Right at the end.
I was afraid you weren't going to mention that.
Still a more cagey movie, just like Primal.
A bad movie can be good.
It's the cost of your life.
Two wrongs can make a right.
Just fucking kiss me, big boy.
It's just not this film.
All right.
National Treasure is the better movie.
If that's the one I'm suggesting to people, it's National Treasure.
I disagree.
I've watched them both three times and this week.
I'm going to continue to watch Primal because it is honestly it's just a bad movie.
Fun. It's a good movie to watch when you want to watch a bad movie.
And it's got Nicolas Cage and he's surly.
He gives like a shit performance.
And honestly, I find that enjoyable.
I expect more from Cage.
I am at this point.
I am watching Nicolas Cage.
What's that? I am, though.
That's kind of the whole point of this.
It's like that it was like that that restaurant in St. Louis where their waiters are meant to be rude to you.
Oh, God. Yeah, we saw a place like that in Vegas.
That's Johnny Dickholes.
Johnny Johnny Dickholes.
He he was trained by that waitstaff.
Well, everyone here, Johnny Dickholes, please rate, review and subscribe.
Thank you guys for having me again.
This was a lot of fun.
Oh, you're still here. Yeah.
Welcome back. Jesus Christ.
Love you, Adam. Thank you for coming.
I had a really good time.
Thank you for letting me have an excuse to watch that fucking movie.
Yeah, you can also support us on Patreon at Patreon.com slash Cage Match.
Also, special thanks to all of our Sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt and Adam.
And for our Cage dancers, Ira and John, thank you for your support.
Or on Reddit if you want to chat with us or yell at us for our dumb shit at Cage Match Pod.
Whoever keeps thumbs downing our stuff on Reddit, fuck off.
Or keep it up. Yeah, no, I like the conflict.
And I've got all these fucking exotic animals I bought for apparently no goddamn reason.
We'll give you one percent.
You can have them.
Thought it was going to be a good season two bit.
Just saying.
President Levin Diesel has recruited Zachary Levi into his gang, people who don't like the Rock.
Oh, that's great.
I always out there like practicing like gang moves like sweet like a gang move,
you know, like dance moves on the pick up basketball court.
Yeah, it's just West Side Story.
What was the name of the kid in the other movie?
Something Gomez?
Yeah, Hunter Gomez.
There we go.
Oh, man, that's a name Republicans would hate.
Hunter Gomez. Hunter Gomez.
Yeah, they're two least favorite things.
You better not own a laptop place.
The Mexican form of lacrosse.
Oh, God, I hope the most dangerous game of all.
That can't go.
They can't go on the finished.
Peter's still recording.
Who knows what he's going to find?
All gold.