Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Speaking of bits, this was a great opportunity for us to see Nicolas Cage's bits.
Agreed. Did we see Balsack?
We did not.
I totally thought we saw his ass pumping in Joe.
But no, it was just another random ass going to town.
That's right. I forgot about that scene.
Today we're discussing Joe and Zabadoo.
Zabadoo.
Now, before we see the Toros pepini.
Using dating apps is viral marketing is shockingly working well.
I'm glad. I mean, we definitely got some upticks.
I put it on. I put it as like a fun fact about me.
And 90 percent of people who like contact me are just like,
what are you actually doing this?
And then I'm like, yeah, cage match, colon, a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage.
And if you have been like, I'm listening to it now.
And I'm like, and you're still talking to me.
That's a good sign. And then they go.
Yeah. Within an hour, you lose them.
Welcome back to cage match, colon, a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage.
I am your host, Sean, with I'm Nick and our producer, Peter. Hello.
And this is our podcast where we are watching 64 of Nicolas Cage's
best films and weeding them down
bracket style and worst 64 movies that definitely say
Nicolas Cage on the poster. Yes. Yeah.
In the news, him as name cloud sometimes.
So but not in these two movies.
No, he's actually starring in these two movies.
Which is actually also like why I'm here. Just name cloud.
Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
Everybody's like, oh, Nick.
So I'm listening. Yeah.
No last name, just Nick.
Cool. So since it's March Madness,
this is a podcast that uses March Madness bracket ology.
So we've got two movies, a three seed going up against a 14 seed today.
OK, so we're doing Zondaly and Joe.
I have a question for you, Nick. Oh, OK.
Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?
Are. No, we're now a sponsored podcast for Seattle.
Well, because I mean, Zondaly is essentially like Viagra or Seattle's of the movie.
Rick Flair is the official erectile dysfunction
spokesperson for Mike Tyson's weed brand.
What? What? Yeah.
So Mike Tyson's got the movies we're talking about this now on.
And Rick Flair is the E.D. spokesperson for it.
I mean, is that is that the thing?
The person takes the ED medication and then just brick flared like goes.
They smoke the smoke the pot. Yes.
Yeah, we're not degenerates.
You can leave that pause and stop the podcast.
Stop the podcast. I want to watch this now.
This seems like something that's in your scene.
Them hanging out and stuff. Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
Oh, man. Back in college, I had a professional wrestling themed birthday party one time.
Incredible. It was so good.
I had the best Rick Flair costume.
It was just like full body blue suit with like a huge feather boa.
And I was just rolling around body chopping people screaming.
Oh, the whole night.
Hey, Nick, do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?
Get the fuck out of here constantly.
You got to keep all this in Peter.
Joe from 2013 stars Nick Cage as Joe
Ty Sheridan as Gary.
He's Cyclops. He's Cyclops.
And Nicolas Cage was a ghostwriter.
Yeah, that was one of my one fun facts for this film.
It's an MCU connection.
Yeah. Even though neither were MCU movies now.
And Gary Poulter plays Wade, Gary's father.
All right. So this is Joe.
A coming of age story about Gary, a 15 year old
who finds friendship in the unlikeliest of places.
Passing through town, Gary meets Joe, who gives him a job on his work crew.
Joe teaches Gary about the value of hard work, women and friendship.
When Gary's sister lands herself in a pickle, he turns to his only friend for help.
Lands herself in a pickle is a horrible way of phrasing.
What happens to his sister?
We don't know that anything happened.
She was just in a jam.
I mean, no, not going to touch that one with a ten foot clown pole.
Concise. Fully wrapped up the movie.
Yeah, it's a banger. Yeah. OK.
I mean, you did you did accomplish the goal. Yeah.
I mean, I've been practicing.
I've been summarizing all sorts of shit.
My sex life rocks.
That's the summer of your sex life.
Good summary. It's a coming of age story, bro.
All right. So Joe played by Nicolas Cage.
I liked it. Yeah, I thought it was really fun.
It was a it was a really interesting movie.
It was very well performed.
Learning more about the script, how it came about,
the the adaptation of the novel, a little bit more about the author
who a lot of the characterization of like Gary and things like that
were all kind of based on.
It was really interesting.
So 2013, this is Pete Cage taking whatever he can get to make a buck.
And shockingly good for this era of his work.
I mean, he puts on a great performance and one of his better
portraying drunk that we've seen in a long time because that swings wildly.
Yeah. No, he had a very consistent performance in this movie.
And I think it was really good.
Like his characterization was pretty grounded.
The script really helped.
I mean, it was a really well written adaptation of this novel.
And well, and Nick Cage himself said that, you know, this character
is one of the closest he's ever played to himself,
so he wasn't even really acting.
Well, it's interesting because my note was that this felt like the most authentic
acting performance that we've seen from him.
So that actually really does make some sense.
Now, like that, it felt very whole.
Yeah. No, no real wild antics.
I mean, just in terms of acting, like no extreme tonal modulations.
Yeah. He plays a consistent character.
So the character, Joe, is an ex con who runs a work crew.
This is in outskirts of Texas.
And he works for the timber company.
He goes in and what he does is.
Just killing trees.
So they've got these weird like Ghostbuster backpacks, which pump poison into a hatchet
and they just like hit the tree a couple of times, the tree will die
and then the timber company will come in and cut it out.
But I don't know why it has to be done in that order.
So you pay a company to remove trees and they just fucking do it.
I did. I grew up in a very low.
Yeah, those hatchets ruled.
But I grew up in a very logging centric area of Oregon.
So Gary comes into town.
He's got a real shit heel old man, dad, who beats him.
And it seems like they just kind of drift from town to town and.
He runs into Joe's crew out there working and he's like, Hey, man, I need a job.
Can you help me out?
So Nick Cage gets him in there.
He's like, get somebody showing him like, here's how you deliver water to the other guys.
Here's how you use the Ghostbuster acts.
Here's how you do. Great little montage.
Yeah, it's good. I mean, and it's fun.
It's actually fun watching it because this kid playing Gary, he kills it like.
Yeah, Ty Sheridan did a great job.
Yeah, yes, he's really fun to watch and he's just I don't know.
He just he comes across as like a 15 year old kid super well.
Like he's just a little goofy. He's very sincere.
Like the only other things I know him from we talked about Cyclops in the later
X-Men film. The second half of the X-Men movie.
The bad ones. I mean, I don't like really any of them, but the extra bad ones.
And he was in Ready Player One.
Oh, yeah, which also bad.
So it was really nice to, you know, be like, oh, I see why you get work.
From there, you know, he gets his dad on the crew, but his dad is obviously a very, very late stage alcoholic.
He's not good for anything, ends up getting both of them kind of taken off the crew list.
Through just a late night in the rain boom box kind of scene.
Say anything. Yeah.
Ty Sheridan comes back and manages to secure himself another chance at the job.
And so Nick Cage takes pity on him, brings him back like on the sly, though.
Yeah, yeah. He's like, you got to meet me here at this convenience store before the sun rises.
That's pretty shady. But and then we'll get you there.
It just happens to be where the whole crew meets up anyways. But.
Besides the dad's issues, the other main kind of antagonist of this film is Willie Reynolds or something. Yeah.
I went through a windshield. I don't give a fuck. His one continues his catchphrase.
Yeah, I mean, it's it's awesome. Like he says it so many times.
Introduced to in the film, having seen Joe like coming out of a convenience store, it's like, you know who that is? Yeah.
And then the friend's house just from a truck. Hey, Joe. And then shoots him in the shoulder.
I thought I had missed a scene.
No, no, I love that there's just this existing beef. Yeah. And it's such a like small slight.
And they briefly touch on it later that, you know, they got into it one night.
And he slapped him. Yeah. Nick Cage slapped him.
It embarrassed him. And so now he goes and he like takes a pot shot at him from like, I don't know, 50 yards away.
I mean, it was a bad one, but I just love that later. He's like yelling at Nick Cage and he's just like,
I could have I could have killed you. And he like shot him in the shoulder.
I could have killed you. I was shooting at the trees.
But that was a warning shot. It's like you were shooting at the trees and you hit him in the fucking shoulder.
I don't think if you wanted to, you could have killed him.
I think it was literally impossible. I mean, their little beef is just so dumb.
Yeah. That beef continues slowly throughout the film. It simmers.
It does. That guy also gets beef with Gary. Yeah.
So because after he shoots Joe, he goes to chuck the gun in the river. Yeah.
And Gary sees him and wants a ride into town. Yeah.
This is also where we get the the back story about the slap and we get the greatest line from him, which was just, hey, come here.
Look at my face. See that I went through a windshield at four o'clock one morning and I don't give a fuck.
Folks looking for trouble often find more than they're after.
And I will kill his fucking ass if he ever slaps me again.
And like, that's the only time like that's the first time they tell you why he shot Nicolas Cage is like, oh, he he slapped you and you're going to shoot him.
OK. And he's such a bad ass. Yeah.
And Gary's just like, OK, fine. And then he starts asking Gary about his sister. Yeah.
And that's when Gary goes off and beats the shit out of this guy, which then goes on to this guy looking for Gary, the rest of the movie.
Joe's a real mad about town. He's kind of helps out a lot of people.
Joe is a frequent, the local sex worker establishment.
It's a whorehouse. It's a whorehouse.
There's a dog there he doesn't like because it bit him in the ass once.
Mm hmm. What? OK. Speaking of dogs, though, the first time he goes there, he's trying to have a liaison with the madam.
And it gets busted up for whatever reason. It's not important.
But then one of the other sex workers like crawls into the room on hand all fours.
Well, yeah, I mean, that was just fun.
It was fun and games and they were having fun and games with each other.
You can see it. Who was she doing it for? For the madam.
She was still sitting at the table having a drink and like the hooker walks back in.
It's totally OK to call them this in this situation.
Crawls back in. I know, but you looked at me.
Crawls back in like a dog and the madam just like knock it off.
And then they both laugh to each other. I feel satisfied now.
As you should from trip one to the whorehouse.
But yeah, he just goes about town till he gets shot and then goes home and his girlfriend shows up.
Someone like she has troubles with at her home with her mom's boyfriend coming back and doesn't want to go home.
Yeah. So they have a just convenient relationship.
She's definitely significantly younger. Yeah. Yeah.
We just talk about just how just shredded Nick Cage is in this film.
He's pretty bulked up. Yeah. Like for, you know, early 20, 20, 13, you said.
How old is he now? He's 59 now.
So if he's 50 now, 59, 10 years ago, this is the easiest math.
Forty nine. Forty nine. We got there.
This is great content. But yeah, no, like Nick and Sean learn how to math.
So he's a big boy. Yeah, no, he's he's got a you know, he's stout.
He's a working man. He does like a hard labor job. Little Junior Brown.
He was huge for gets big for Conair.
And this, which was like the same time, which was the same time.
And this he actually I'm assuming he was turning down work to do this film.
And I think part of that must have been working out because he turned down expendable three to like prepare for this film.
Nick Cage isn't a gimmick actor. That's a gimmick movie. It's true.
I'm glad he did this instead. Yeah. I was actually a little apprehensive about this movie because I was like, man, I don't know.
Like, it looks like it's not that good. Very pleasantly surprised. Yeah.
It had it had really good performances across the board. And it was beautifully filmed, too.
Oh, yeah. And not just by the like primary, the camera team, but the team got really good, like establishing shots and the way they framed people.
Like when G dog, Gary's dad followed the homeless guy back to where he was drinking his wine. I mean, just the shots of the two of them sitting there were really good.
And then he beat the guy's fucking head with a piece of steel and stole his boons farm. That was a brutal, violent scene.
Yeah, it was still some cash and also a position of like the kissing the guy on the head and like, yeah, well, he wasn't doing it to be violent.
He was doing it because he's a crippling alcoholic. Yeah. So I want to talk about this actor real quick.
So David Gordon Green is up in the name of the director.
He always hires locals for his films. Wade Gary Poulter, this is his one acting credit. He was a homeless dude in the city where they filmed and he just like hired him for this job.
He actually died like two months after rap of this film.
The homeless guy that he killed is actually the father of one of the actors who was on the work crew. Oh, wow. So I mean, tie their great performance.
I mean, you can't really understand the thing the man says, but for just being a guy they like met and used. Good job. Yeah.
I mean, he's got that thick, like alcoholic kind of slur. And I don't know. I feel like his lines came across fine.
I'm old, though, and I watch things with closed captioning. I do, too. Yeah. So I got all the words. Yeah, I didn't watch it with closed caption. I learned how to pop and lock.
I was a charming scene. It was. I mean, you see the that character had his moments where it's like, OK, I can see why Gary didn't just run away.
I mean, like, obviously he was protecting his sister, Dorothy, as well.
But I could see why he didn't abandon his family because in, you know, classic abuse ways, there's just enough good sprinkle on top of it that you're like, oh, he could be helped.
Or like he's just having problems like it's a bad day. I mean, it really hit home for me just because I have a friend from the before times who pretty large substance to be a
turn has been going through rough spat for several years largely.
Because he doesn't want to work, but I'm like, oh, that's that's going to be that guy.
That the Fedora where the fastest skanker and the fastest skanker in Virginia, Virginia.
Last I heard he was doing exorcisms. He I got a voicemail from him one night where he claimed to be a real life John Constantine.
Oh, that's pretty neat. His life is going well.
He's going to go through Joe. Like, where do we leave off?
Whores.
Gary is the one thing Joe really does care about.
Early on, Joe drops Gary off from work and his dad like mugs Gary in the in the front yard.
Joe's about to step out and do something but stops and gets questioned about it later from his girlfriend.
And, you know, I think this is where we first hear him say, you know, him not getting involved in other people's lives is the one thing that keeps him out of jail.
Yeah, he's definitely got like a big anger problem and restraint problem.
Like he doesn't stop. And he knows that about himself, which is good.
And we see it a couple of times. Like he definitely gets harassed by the cops.
Yep. They're definitely shitty cops in this. Oh, yeah. I will say Earl, the sheriff. Good job.
Yeah. Yeah. But like clearly Earl and Joe used to run together.
So before Earl got on the straight and narrow, like he was, you know, Joe says he was worse than him. Yeah.
Earl keeps Joe out of trouble. Why does he get arrested?
Well, he got arrested because he was driving home.
They flashed their lights to pull him over, probably because they know he drinks and he's confrontational.
He spent time in state. 29 months in the pen for assaulting a police officer.
In the movie, the first time we see him get arrested, they flashed their lights to pull him over and he's like, fuck that.
And so he like just keeps driving. They like try to pull him over.
He like swerves to get the cop off his ass. And then there's another cop up ahead.
So they've got him pinned and he stops and gets out of his car and gets all confrontational.
Tells him to put down their gun so they can fight it out. Yeah.
He's like, let's just talk about this like men. And he's like putting up fisticuffs and stuff.
And OK, wait, now I remember the scene. So he bar fight happens where he almost stabs dude in the face, goes to the whorehouse, dogs there, drives home, gets dog, comes back to her house, has his people kill that dog so he can talk.
Yeah. Well, just a blow job. Yeah. He just needed a blow job because he was real on edge after almost stabbing Willie. Yeah. Right.
And I love that. I love that scene as he's walking up with the hooker.
He's like he goes in there and then it cuts to upstairs and you just see a man ass just go into town.
I'm like, wow, like Nick Cage really committed.
But it pans over and that's just another dude fucking with an open door and just pans over to Nick Cage walking up the stairs.
Yeah. When he goes to the whorehouse and talks to the hooker, he wants to get with the madam, but she's not there.
So he's like, OK, I guess you'll do. And he's like interviewing her to make sure that she's good enough to slob on his knob.
And it just goes like, got any pets? I mean, I had a cat. Cat. Beautiful. What's his name?
Missy. What do you feed it? I don't know. Fucking dry food. What's your favorite color? Red. Blow me.
It's like, boom, boom, boom. OK, I know enough about you. You can suck on my diesel. It's fine.
And then he has like the loudest orgasm. Oh, man. Yeah. And then he's just whoo rips right out of him.
And then he's done. And he's just like standing up, like practically knocking her over as he does.
And he's like, I got to go. And so then he leaves. That's when he gets pulled over by the cops. He lets his dog out.
Just run free. Yeah. Which I was thinking about him like, you know, he probably let the dog out because he knew the dog would actually attack a cop.
They came by the truck. So it's like, oh, that makes sense. They never talk about it, but the dog jumps out and it runs.
Yeah. And then this is where we meet Earl. Let's Joe out. And then Joe and Gary go to find the dog, which leads to one of my favorite lines from this film.
Oh, one of my favorite scenes, too. Oh, my God. The montage is just so good.
But but my dog's about 100 pounds round and why it looks like a cow looks like a cow. Right.
You have a dog that looks like a cow. Well, it's not that big a deal.
A lot of dogs look like cows. Yeah. They're also a little bit drunk. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. And Gary drive. He lets Gary have a roadie. Yeah. Gary tries to buy a beer off of him and he's like, you can have a beer, but you can't buy a beer.
Friends don't buy things from me. I don't know. My favorite line came out of this as well. This little drunk montage.
It's the cool face. I'm going to give you three. They're so good. I have to give you three.
First, when they're driving down the street and Gary's driving, Nick Cage is, you know, lightness.
It just gets done giving Gary a beer and he's just flicking his zip. He's like, you hear that?
That's the sound that gets hookers excited. They know they know you got cash.
They hear that. And that was a wild eyed look around from the hooker.
That that one gets me because I get to say hooker and I get to make visual jokes that that no one will say.
Yeah. Josie understood. I like that.
My second favorite quote from the same montage is our cool face quote.
You want to know how to make a cool face? All right.
Anatomy of a cool face. Make a face of pain.
Now smile. No smile on top of the pain. Hold the pain. Smile through it.
You ain't drunk, are you? Shit. I better drive.
You know what, Gary? You got it made because think of all the beautiful girls you're going to fuck.
I used to know this girl lived around here. Shit. Where's my dog?
I raised that dog from a pup. It's like he's so drunk.
He's just kind of like rambling. But this cool face thing, because I mean, find us on Twitter.
You'll see these cool faces. We're going to make some do.
Oh, we're going to go read it to do both. Why not?
Instagram, all the socials. OK. Find us online. You'll see our stupid ass faces.
Leave a comment while you're there.
So at the end of this montage, Joe's talking to Gary and he's just like, you got to work on that cool face.
You got to stand like your own land. Right.
Now make the pain face. You got a lot on your mind.
Now smile. Yeah, it's like.
I got a lot on my mind, but I can do it.
I can get through it. Yeah, you're getting it.
That's cool. And they're just the dumb.
I mean, they're the coolest faces. Yeah.
I think this is a third film in a row where like this really is just completely sold by the two leads,
just vibing off each other so well. They have such good chemistry.
Like the scenes where the two of them are together are just honestly a lot of fun to watch,
even when the subject material is more mature or it's not a walk in the park. Yeah.
So the next real major thing to happen is Willie's Wonderland. What's Scarface's name?
Willie. Yeah. So Willie like finds Gary's dad on the street.
He's like, hey, man, I want to rap at you.
And so it cuts to Gary like just fucking beat up and pissed and showing up at Joe's.
And he's like, let me borrow your truck. I got to borrow your truck.
And Joe's like, whatever. Blah, blah, blah. Like, let's talk about this.
Like you're real worked up. And it comes around to like Gary's dad took Gary's sister
and was like going off for some clandestine meeting with Scarface. Yeah.
Now, when they get out there, Scarface and his buddy, Willie and his buddy are just like,
they meet with Gary's dad. Gary's dad's like 30 bucks each. No explanation.
Like, you know, Willie's getting into the back of the truck with a terrifying Easter bunny mask.
Yeah. And I mean, it's obviously going to become a sex thing.
And this is around when Gary and Joe show up and Joe like tosses open the truck, throws Willie out,
gets the sister out, tells Gary to like get the sister out of there and get him to safety and get Earl for help.
And then he proceeds to confront Willie and his buddy and eventually resolve everything.
He's going to blow Willie's brains out. Willie's excuse.
I'm glad you finished that sentence. Willie's going to blow Willie.
Willie's excuses. Well, she was going to wind up, you know, working at the whorehouse anyway.
Before Gary can, you know, take care of Willie, Willie's buddy.
She's Joe in the butt. Gary shoots him in the butt. Shoots him in the butt. Blowing in butt stuff.
So, yeah, Joe takes a shot in the side, takes one in the leg, manages to take out both of the low life rapist scums, goes to finish off.
Oh, but the key on that one is that he shoots Willie in the middle of him doing his line about going through a wind shield.
Yeah. Yeah. Which is like the fourth time he's gotten into this line.
I went through a wind shield before him. I don't give a bang. Yeah.
And goes to confront Gary's dad. I don't think they say anything.
Gary's dad just like climbs up on the bridge and. Yeah.
Joe tries to shoot him, but he's in a bad place. Like he's not doing well.
So he misses. He's out of bullets. And the dad was definitely just like the consequences of what he was there to do just to feed his alcoholism.
Yeah. I think we're really weighing on him. And he just said, fuck it.
Just kind of lets himself go over the side, kills himself off the side of the bridge.
Cops show up with Gary, Earl and Dorothy.
Which I don't know why those two were brought back to the scene.
Yeah, makes no sense. Obviously for narrative reasons, but also shitty cops.
Gary could say goodbye to his father figure, you know, looks over the bridge to see his, you know, actual father, like literally dead in a ditch.
Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Just good. And then we have a really nice kind of, again, narrative scene of Gary talking to the leader of a work crew.
The guy gives him the same kind of spiel about what he's going to get paid that Joe gave him in the beginning.
And the guy gives Gary a job because he knew Joe and Joe's a good guy.
And they are planting new trees on the land that they cleared.
But it's a good ending. No, it was a good ending. And it wrapped it up nicely.
And it adds like a book ends it. I thought it was a really good one. I had no expectation going into this one.
This is another one of those. It's a Nick Cage movie from this era.
I know it had I'd heard good things, but I had no idea what to expect.
It was a dark horse three. Like, I mean, yeah, I did not expect anything out of it despite where we had it.
Good movie. Good cage. Good movie. Good cage. Bad cop. Good kid.
Mostly bad cops. One good cop. Yeah. Oh, man. We didn't talk about like Harry Cage.
Nick Cage like got out of the car with that second cop like when he was solo.
And he just like walked right up to him and like fucking slaps the gun right out of the kid's hand.
And it's like, yeah, slaps his hat and then just like slams his head into the car or whatever.
And it's just like, Jesus Christ.
And then he just gets off with a warning from early.
He's like, well, that rookie was a little too ambitious. I get it.
It's like, Jesus. No, I thought everything about this film was great.
We talked about the way it was shot, just all the acting in it.
Everyone was amazing. I think it held up all the way through.
It's a pretty tight two hours. Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, Nick, I got a question for you. OK. Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?
Because that because Judge Reinhold does in Zandily. Yeah. Zondia starring Nick Cage as Johnny Collins.
Judge Reinhold is Terry Martin and Eric Anderson is Zandily Merton.
You're forgetting two other important people. Marissa Tomei as Ramey. Yeah.
And Steve Buscemi as OPP man. Yeah.
I mean, that was my next no. Up in the Tenture, you work release kind of thing.
He's like a garbage man and Joey Pants, Joey Pantolioni as Jerry.
That was literally the first thing I wanted to talk about once we did the summary was who else is in this movie for little to no reason.
Everybody. We covered it. Thanks, guys.
I mean, it's the same time we were introducing the characters. Yeah.
That's the time to introduce characters. But these aren't actual characters.
That was just to be a fun. These people are awesome.
This movie for no real reason, like they could have literally been played by anyone.
It wouldn't have mattered. Not true.
All right. Before we get ahead of ourselves.
Zandily, a coming of age story about Zandily, a young woman looking for love in all the wrong places.
When things grow stale with her bow, Terry Zandily finds comfort in the arms of artist and childhood friend of Terry Johnny.
Things heat up when Terry tries to win her back on a Bayou boat trip, only to be surprised by Johnny's arrival.
Who will Zandily choose? I'm liking these summaries. Yeah.
So yes, Terry works for a cable company that his father started.
He has a terrible Louisiana accent. Oh, my God. It's the worst. So bad.
This is officially the worst accent we've had in a Nicolas Cage movie.
And it's true. We've seen Nicolas Cage do a Boston accent.
We've seen him do a Boston accent, and there was the time we heard him do a Boston accent.
So I'm excited when we get to see him in Captain Kareli's mandolin.
Doing a Boston accent. Boston accent. Yeah.
OK, so let me see. Let me set the scene for how this movie opens.
Boots. Yeah, boy.
You see a little bit of a Bourbon Street and then the titular Zandily's tits are out.
But it's not just their boobs. Those were just like the appetizer because you get Bush right after.
That's true. This movie has full frontal female mood.
In my notes, I wrote like this is just softcore porn.
So I went hard in the paint for this movie during our like bracket making because it is one of the only like incredibly horny Nick Cage movies.
And this might be the sexiest cage that mustache and goatee combo.
Oh, that's called a Van Dyke, sir.
Yeah, the Van Dyke is a good look on him. But like, is he sexy?
I mean, he's got like thinning hair, mullet sort of.
Oh, yeah. Sexy for 91. I'm not going to lie.
The costumer gave him excellent glasses for his head.
Yes, because he not only did he have like multiple pairs of glasses that he wore,
they had a real optician kind of look at him and be like, hey, this is the size of glasses.
And here's some really artsy styles for you to wear.
Peter, do me a favor, say hard in the paint again.
Hard in the paint.
Speaking of which, that's a segue.
Only fun fact.
That's not a segue.
It wasn't. You asked me to do a thing.
Shut up. You asked him to do it.
And then you just said, speaking of which, that's a segue.
Hard in the paint.
One of the sexier scenes where Nick Cage is painting Zondaly paints are like belly button area.
But either way, the actress was saying how she hated that scene because Nick Cage went a little
little overboard with his action on that one.
And she felt actually violent acting.
Yeah. He she said that he was a little intense in some of these like sex scenes.
This this is probably a prime example of a movie that could have used.
What do they call them? Intimacy coordinators?
Absolutely.
It's just so much. And yeah, I mean, Nick Cage goes past the navel and practically down to the bush with this paint.
And I mean, I assume she's wearing a mercantil or something, but still.
Yeah. I mean, it was a good one if it was.
I'll have to go down to my local mercantil shop and compare.
A mercantile? Oh my God.
That's all, folks. This has been Cage Match. Good night.
Sean's officially off the podcast.
That is the best thing that you're going to say, though.
There's no question about it.
So, Nick, you called this. I mean, you know, maybe it was you, Peter.
Someone last last episode was excited for all the medium sex we were going to see.
Oh, that's me. Yeah.
And we definitely saw a bunch of medium sex.
Yeah. Medium is the best way to describe it.
This movie initially had like an NC-17 rating.
I think it still is. It never got or it's just unrated now.
They took it from NC-17 to unrated.
They did edit it down to an R version.
Is that what they have up on Tubi? The only place you can see this movie?
I think that was the R version.
Well, now I want to see what its uncut version is.
Yeah. Can we find uncut Zanderly?
Tell us more likely to find uncut Nicolas Cage.
So he plays an artist who shows up in his childhood best friend's life, offers to paint him.
OK, so the introduction to him, though, they're at like a club.
Oh, yeah. Shriners. And they're all wearing fezzes and shit.
They've got their Shriner fezzes on, but it's like it's a backlit thing.
Yeah. Backlit doorway that he enters.
That's just a mitzvah. Yeah. Whipping his hair around.
Yeah, they were shooting a music video.
Yeah. Awesome. He's a fucking wild boy.
But everybody knows him, too, because like they see just the silhouette and him head banging.
And they're like, Johnny,
Terry is just like, oh, it's my old friend that I haven't seen forever.
And I like that his name is John Paul Gregory the third.
Oh, sorry. John Paul Gregory Collins.
The third. He's got a real fucking big ass name.
He's a big boy. His dad also like John Paul Gregory Collins, the second.
Yeah. I think they just say junior at that point.
They would. Yeah. The thirds are usually called trays.
Oh, yeah. Fun fact.
And chips are often juniors. Chip off the old block.
So these are just like street names for them.
Need to know how to refer to all of my lacrosse friends in the streets.
Yes, but not in the sheets. Yeah.
No words, just emotions.
OK, I was going to give this movie credit because it has a like one of the prominent characters is a queer character in a movie from 1991.
And it's done well.
That could be played for goofs or, you know, he's just a character.
Yeah. Well, like he gets assaulted.
Bird cage or anything like that. Yeah.
No, he's not.
Not that bird cage is a bad movie or anything, but it's not.
But it's not like overly flamboyant for, you know, comic effect.
The hairstylist in The Rock was a prime example of a bad character.
Oh, yeah. I appreciated the fact that there's, you know, 91 queer character, not just there to be like, oh, look at the gay and a young Joey Pants.
And Joey Pants looks pretty good in a dress. Yeah. Yeah.
Way to go, Joey Pants. Yeah.
So, yeah, Johnny shows up.
It's reintroduced to Terry's grandma who he lives with and Zonda Lee.
No one pronounces her name the same as Zonda Lee Zonda Lee Zan.
Yeah. Zan only comes out when Judge Reinholdt forgets how to do it.
And he's like, hey, Zan, their connection was a he used to be literature professor at a college at Judge Reinholdt's character.
Terry was a poet. That's why she fell in love with him.
But since his dad died, he stopped writing poetry and stopped getting boners. Yep.
Do you see the name of his book? No. Nefarious truths.
Yeah, it was such a sexy film.
You know, they're married. She's like, let's let's let's try and have sex. And he just gets mad about it.
Well, again, this movie is Viagra, the movie when they go to have like sex and they're like, oh, you know, warm it up, warm it up.
And then she immediately flips over and she's like, put it in my ass.
And he's just like, I can't operate under this kind of pressure.
She's like, I thought we were going to be adventurous. I thought we needed this.
He's like, I'm going to go put on my fez and cry with my Shriner friends and leaves.
I'm trying to remember how the the affair starts.
The affair begins pretty much begins from that first dinner or time that Johnny comes over to the place and kind of like, I don't know, he gets all sexy and confrontational with Zondali.
And now nothing happens in that moment, but it just builds on like he pays attention to her.
And that's not something she's been getting.
And it kind of gets kicked off when he reveals the painting of Teary and she's sort of like, yeah, yeah.
For whatever reason, that like makes him really want to confront her and then they fucking the laundry room.
Oh, man. No, that's later.
No, he assaults. He essentially assaults her on the street and like throws her up against a wall and she takes her panties off.
Well, she's a big jogger.
Oh, that's right. The panty drop.
Oh, man. Yeah, she's always jogging in the mornings and apparently she jogs past some place that Johnny hangs out because he like pops out, spins her into this alleyway and like they talk a little bit and get the fucking kiss in.
And he's like, I like it when you don't wear anything underneath. And so she just get this weird, uncomfortable shot of like her fucking kids and like fold down socks as like a pair of panties just drops down into a mud puddle and she kicks him off.
And it's like, oh, God, she wants it so bad.
He's an artist. Yeah. A tortured artist. There's pain in him. That's the hottest kind. He's got a lot on his mind.
You got to harness that pain and then smile over it. Yeah. So they got a lot on my mind. They have, you know, they have their initial through it.
Trist. And then she like, this was a mistake. You know, I'm married.
An old friend of Terry's has Johnny come over for dinner one night and Johnny brings Mercer Tomei, his girlfriend.
I think girlfriend's kind of brings over another woman and then Zonda Lee gets all pissy. It's like, you know, don't bring your girlfriends in here.
You're the one who had the affair and said you didn't want to have an affair. And now you're getting pissy that, you know, the guy you're not trying to have an affair with who is an artist and a womanizer.
That's why you had the affair is, you know, doing this. So this is one of Tomei's first roles. Yeah. And then she did my cousin Vinny immediately after this and won a fucking Oscar.
Damn. And that's when they fuck on the washing machine. Yes.
Well, Terry's in the other room with his grandmother. Oh, my God. And like when he hears like he can hear the washing machine start up as like Johnny's over there, like I'm just just cleaning up.
This is what I'm like. Yeah. This is what I sent you, Peter. I sent you the just photo I took of the screen of just Terry just like kind of like side eyeing as the washing machine going off.
And I asked you stuff from erectile dysfunction. And I as soon as I hit play, the eyes just looked at the camera and I'm like, ah, perfect.
As soon as you know, Terry starts to kind of suss out that something's going on with the Zonda Lee and Johnny. Yeah.
Terry gets very confrontational about the topic of infidelity. Yeah. And understandably so.
He can tell something's up. She's getting it around town and down. So he gets confrontational with a lot of people regarding it.
Except the people he should until the gun comes out. Now, my personal opinion is he had more than strong suspicions that it was Johnny from the get go.
The way he talks to him at the bar when he's like, I don't know, as far as I know, it could be you. It's like you're just trying to be so nonchalant.
You're trying to get someone else to admit it. Yeah. And I can see that as like a pretty good response to learning this. Yeah.
My opinion is like he just knew from the get go. He's too soft. He's a fucking poet professor who doesn't write poetry anymore. Yeah. Or get boners. Yeah.
Got to have boners to write poems. Where else do you put the pencil? In the urethra?
So Zonda Lee eventually kind of admits that she's had an affair. Doesn't say with him, but her and Terry decide they're going to make it work.
So they go out for a sexy vacation on the bayou and guess who shows up?
Johnny. Yeah, it was in my summary. I was going to say this is in your summary.
And then we have then we get to the real meat of this movie where I thought Zonda Lee got to the real meat of this movie in the first act.
Terry and Johnny just want to fuck because they like what Terry like asks Zonda Lee to dance and Johnny's like, oh, I'll dance with you. They like have a little dance on the dock. Yeah, they have it like a very it's not aggressive and it's not like super well danced tango.
No, but just fuck already. Yeah, I couldn't tell if there was sexual tension or like if Judge Reinholdt was just getting ready to pitch him off the edge the whole time. Yeah, I took it more as that versus the sexual element.
But now that I'm thinking on it, like I think you might be on to something. Maybe. I mean, there might just I don't know. Terry could have been kind of closeted. Yeah. Like that mustache. I think they definitely.
I will definitely say though, the portrayal of Johnny was exactly what I thought being an artist would be when I was a teenager and I decided to be an artist like fucking Van Dyke and sex. That's all I thought I would be getting.
None of that's true. You got the Van Dyke though, didn't you? The Van Dyke. I did have the Van Dyke. Yeah.
I will say this week has probably been the sexiest cage between both films, like in terms of just raw mannitude of Joe and just kind of, you know, trying to sell Nick Cage as a sex symbol in Zandily. Yeah.
And Zandily, he definitely like drips this animalistic nature. I wouldn't say that I I wanted to buy him as a sex figure, a sex icon. I mean, kind of thinking about it, it's like, yeah, I mean, they they painted him up pretty good.
It's no, you know, it's 91 sexy. Right. That's what I was going to say. This is before cum gutters were invented.
No, I mean, I think he was a sexy character, but I think there was a lot of the aggression in his behavior. Fuck. He had a real Chris Cornell look. Yeah. Oh, that's it. Yeah. OK.
But I think that aggressiveness reads really poorly right now. Yes. And, you know, I'm sure in the moment when they were making this, they were like, that shows his passion and all this kind of stuff.
It's like, well, except for the scene where he like actually rapes her. Yeah. Right. I mean, that part's not so sexy. It is not. I mean, and also maybe we just lived in a more sexual expression in light and time, which is like the three of them could have just sat down and talked about this.
Yeah. In the grand scope of things, I'm like, this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to anybody. Yeah. It's not like Nick Cage went in and slapped him at a bar. Yeah.
That's obviously a shooting offense. Well, speaking of shooting offenses after the after the sexual tango, that's when a right old bust out the gun.
Oh, no, they're on a bayou boat. Yeah, we're not a single boat chase. We're on. We're in Gator all of a sudden. Nobody else following them.
But they go fast to go fast and he pulls out a gun and just start shooting wildly to like assert dominance. Oh, but he's got some good ones. He does like a good like under the arm and like flip behind him shot like he's showing off all of his tricks because he's he's a very much
beta male who now has a handgun and he doesn't know what to do with it, but he knows that the sound of the gun is intimidating and shooting the gun is intimidating.
So he leans into that to heighten this tension on the boat. And then Nick Cage like does a little juke and tosses him off the side.
Yeah, old gunboat Collins straight into the hyacinth and then Zanderle goes to like try and rescue him because he don't swim so good. Johnny's like, you know, I'll do it.
Get some actually hold him up and then Reinhold like gives him a little love bite on the neck. I don't know if I would call that a love bite. I mean, he gives him a good jump.
He tries to like take out his jugular and then yeah, just gives up and just lets himself drown. Yeah. And then immediately the next scene fucking beta immediately.
The next scene is just his tombstone. Yeah. Yeah. And then we've seen twice this point.
Who shimmy as trash man trash man at this point basically has pretty much just like grabbed his genitals and shaken them out.
Yeah, he's just like he's just like he's just rolling the graveyard for widows. It's great.
The first time they see the shimmy he's like rolling on the back of a garbage truck and he hits. He's like, yeah, baby, I'm the best at what I do.
And the next time we see him, he's running down the street with the strolling with the stolen television and tries to sell it to her as the cops are chasing him.
Yeah, it's a steal. And now he's hitting on her at her husband's grave.
But this is also like the most subdued conversation because he only comes up and he he starts with like just a standard line of hey, got any money?
It's like, oh, I know you, you know me. And she's like, I killed my husband. And he's like, fuck, is this his grave?
Yeah. It's like shit. She's like, you want any chicken in a biscuit?
He's like, I'm a vegetarian. Like this movie does have some great lines. Yeah.
None of them involve Judge Reynald. I said of the movie makes absolutely.
Yeah. So, oh, you got to make accounts payable, Johnny.
They've teased that Johnny. They've teased that Johnny owes people money throughout the film.
And he's like dealing drugs and doing. Yeah. Yeah. And this guy. Yeah.
He's doing more drugs than he's dealing. He's like he's trying to like get Zonda to run away with him.
And she's trying to, you know, tell him to fuck off and do just rolls up in a car.
It's like, you got to make accounts payable, Johnny.
And then just, yeah, goes to shoot him zondily, like takes the bullets.
Yeah. And then he sees the opening and she's like, mine. Yeah. Fucking kill. It's like suicide by drug dealer.
Yeah. And then Johnny's just there holding her lifeless body.
And then he walks around the town a little bit and then credits. Yeah. OK.
Like with her in his arms. So before we like get too far, I do want to mention like how fucking wacky the music was in this.
Yeah. The movie starts out with like New Orleans.
They're like early morning on like. Yeah. But it's just like, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?
What? It's like, what the fuck is this? And it's all.
Pray for Rain is the band. I haven't looked them up, but I wrote down their name because I now have beef with Pray for Rain.
Yeah. The music for this is so antithetical to the content of the movie.
The theme. Yeah, it's like Nick Cage is about to rape a girl.
But what about a model? Not good.
The best Johnny line in this entire film is I want to shake you naked and eat you alive.
Yeah, I think it's not the best line. My favorite line from him is, yes, it is, darling.
When that big red snatch is coming up right in your face like a freight train, it is pretty hard to paint.
I tell you what, that was a good one.
I was a big fan of you want it and I want to give it the perfect relationship.
What do you guys have for like fun facts? Anything? Not real.
I mean, this movie is a black hole of information for sure. Nobody reviewed it.
Nobody watched it was a direct to VHS release in the United States.
Yeah. Like, wait, did it get a theatrical release release elsewhere? Yeah.
Oh, fucking France. It would be France.
Damn it. Did you guys watch American Dad? Yes.
Is this going to be about the fast of the year?
I was just thinking about talking about this and I'm like, that doesn't need to go in here.
Oh, it definitely does.
The joke being that the writer of all the Fast and the Furious movies, these are just like homoerotic love stories.
Like two hour gay sex movies.
It's like the movies are like three hours and most of that is just gay sex.
And it gets cut down to an action car film.
But in France, they get the whole penetration.
Oh, uncut. But it's got shit like Dominic Toretto, like barrel rolling a car over Paul Walker's car.
And like, well, they do.
They both lean out the window and like fucking French kids like in slow motion.
The end of the episode is Stan's mom, like in France after her husband dies and goes to see the Fast and the Furious, like seven.
And she just leans over to the French kids like, have I missed any butt play?
And he's like, tons.
Yeah, that tracks.
France would be the place that this movie got a theatrical release while us fucking prudes in America have to deal with VHS.
Good cage, good movie, bad cage, bad movie, good, bad, bad, good.
This is a tough one.
I'm going to go neutral cage bad movie.
I think it's still good cage bad movie because he brings so much like just fire to that role.
He's 100 percent invested in everything.
And I don't think he misses.
I don't think he's there.
I don't think his lines ever fell short.
Like my notes rip apart Judge Reinholdt, Eric Anderson.
Yeah, is Eric Anderson still alive?
I don't know if she's alive.
She has done nothing with her career.
Well, she deeply regretted doing this.
I don't blame her.
Everybody else in this movie kind of sucked.
Yeah, Joey Pants was good.
Yeah, Joey Pants was OK.
Not great.
He kind of felt like a reading.
Steve Buscemi definitely felt like he was just reading his lines.
Yeah, I took a photo of like a young Buscemi like lighting a cigarette.
Young Steve Buscemi. Good looking dude.
He's not terrible looking.
I mean, he looks like the kind of person who hangs out with us, but that doesn't really put him above anybody else.
I don't know. I said this to Meredith.
I mean, it's like, it kind of looks like you.
I'm like, yeah, maybe that's what I think.
That's the thing is I looked at that and I was like, that kind of looks like me if I have different facial hair.
That's not true.
You only look like Donald Kaufman.
Exactly.
Not Charlie.
Donald.
I lived bitches.
I went through a windshield at four in the morning.
I don't give a fuck.
All right.
I'm going to go with Joe this week.
Oh, yeah.
Joe was such a good movie.
I'm glad we got to watch Zondaly.
I was very concerned about its status online.
I can see why it's got the gets reviews.
I was highly amused the entire time I watched it.
I don't think it's good.
No, it's melodrama.
It's made by a person who didn't end up doing anything.
And it's it feels like a film that really three motherfucker.
Yeah, I haven't seen a single free willy.
What is called three willy?
It's not.
It's a shame.
Yeah, I think Joe is clearly the better film in this.
Yeah, Joe was a great movie in the context of these two movies.
Joe was great.
What are we watching next time?
So next week, we've got some new guests with us and we are watching Mandy and Prisoners of the Ghostland.
Who are our guests?
Our guests are Alex and Sammy of Star Trek, the original siblings.
That's right.
And we are excited to have them.
It's going to be a fun time.
Yeah, they seem like cool people.
Unlike us.
Thank you for listening.
Please rate review.
If you want to chat with us, we're on.
Yeah, on Reddit, we are cage match pod on Patreon.
If you want to support us, we are just cage match and a special thanks to our Sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt and Adam.
And extra special thanks to our cage dancers, Ira and John.
I don't have anything else.
We need something sexy to go out on.
What a plan.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You would know if it was my but.
Because because it's a raucous party.
Because I'm a party dude.
Yeah, my butt's just like a scan, man.
That would be a hell of a party trick.
That would be so good.
I was just picturing it now.
Silently.
Now I'm just imagining you shitting your pants.
Hey, man.
I haven't sharded once on any party Friday.
Yeah, I got massive control.
I pronounce one thing correctly in the other part of the word.
Say it wrong and right at the same time.
It's like a
guava.
That's bad.
Oh, yeah.
This literally just tastes like I drank a cigarette.
But, oh, but it gets nicer at the end.
This gets worse at the end.
Nicer than a cigarette, but not to say it's better in general.
This is not very good.