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Oh god. Oh my god.

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Fuck!

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Fuck!

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So, I mean, we don't have Sean to normally...

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I know, normally he'd be the one.

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...thrust us into this, but uh...

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He is the thruster.

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Yeah. I could just start out with my favorite quote.

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So last week I was unable to give you guys a quote because I couldn't remember it,

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because I didn't write it down, because I'm not good at things.

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So my favorite quote from Stolen was Nicholas Cage down in the sewer

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when he's like plasma melting stuff, and he's got the rod up there,

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and Amber Heard's like, oh we gotta go, and he's like...

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Wait, wait...

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Malin Ackerman?

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Yeah, whoever. That chick that was down there with him.

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They're all the same now.

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She's like, we gotta go, we gotta go, and he's like,

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I just, I wanna see if I can get more gold out of it.

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And that was my favorite.

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Because for some reason he really had to emphasize the gold.

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Yeah, right.

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Oh man, that movie was something.

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Yeah, so, hi everybody.

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This is Producer Peter, and you have tuned into a weird episode of Cage Match because...

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A very special episode.

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A very special episode.

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Sean got COVID, then our...

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Like a chump.

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Proposed guest Eric also got COVID. Maybe from Sean.

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Yeah, it's very suspect.

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So then Nick and I decided that we were going to pivot and do a special episode

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where we were going to do one of our proposed Patreon episodes.

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And we started watching, or I started watching Outcast, which stars Hayden Christensen,

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and apparently, and this is the most important part, kind of stars Nick Cage.

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Yeah, he gets billing on it.

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So we then pivoted again, and we moved to the Humanity Bureau, which...

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Stars Nicolas Cage.

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It does.

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In earnest.

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And you can safely say it stars him.

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This is one that, do you remember our episode zero where we talked about all the possibles?

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Yeah, a little bit, and I remember coming up on this and the trailer looked so bad.

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All the CG, like the green screening on it, is just awesome.

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Yeah.

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It looks like he's performing in front of like just a widescreen TV at some points.

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Yeah, like the trailer, I thought maybe this was going to be kind of fun,

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like weird future tech, stupid romp that didn't take itself too seriously.

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It definitely took itself pretty seriously.

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Yeah.

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And it definitely wasn't much of a romp.

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No.

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But it was future.

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If I hadn't watched that trailer, I don't think I would have gotten past the first scene in this movie.

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Oh, yeah, with him driving in that...

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OK, he drives an El Camino and he's a like it's his government car in 2030.

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It's pretty awesome.

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The green screen outside of the window just looks...

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And the like random drone that just shows up and like buzzes his car and talks to him.

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That's so weird.

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I loved when he was driving along and it's just like approaching, approaching, approaching, arrived.

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You are now leaving the new...

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New America.

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Why does it have to say approaching, approaching?

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Hey, man, you're about to leave America.

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You left America.

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Yeah, it's stupid.

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I'm not going to try and get too caught up on the dumb shit in this movie.

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So things got shitty in the world.

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Should we just read the intro cards?

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Yeah, why don't you do it in your reader voice?

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Oh, good.

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After economic catastrophe and climate change came famine, the Great Migration and the Civil War.

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Society collapsed.

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Manufacturing and industrial production of food and goods ceased.

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America built walls around itself and its cities.

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The government gave sweeping powers to a single agency whose task was to assess and separate those citizens who were deemed a burden on the system.

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The agency was known as the Humanity Bureau.

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Yeah, why can't all of our movies start like this?

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Because it would make it so much easier to do these introductions if the movies just wrote it out for us.

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Yeah, that would kind of rule, actually.

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We wouldn't have to try so hard.

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Yeah, I'm trying real hard these days.

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I'm putting in maximum effort.

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So, yeah, everything gets bad.

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Most of America is just kind of a wasteland.

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Everybody's expected to be a productive member of society.

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It's actually illegal to be non-productive members of society.

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And so that's what the Humanity Bureau does.

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They go around and they find pieces of shit and then they tell them that they have to leave America and they have to go to New Eden,

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which is like some idealized kind of like place to send people.

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It's like, why do you send the shitty people there?

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Send the people who have been good to society to this place where there is abundant food.

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They don't have to boil and filter their water all the time.

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They have a pamphlet. It looks compelling.

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Well, I mean, you've got a pamphlet, so that's pretty good.

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The movie starts off with him just going out and talking to this guy.

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The guy's like, he's old, and he's like, I'm not going to go.

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And Nick's like, you got to.

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And he's like, I'm going to my room for a second.

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So he goes to his room.

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And this is where we get to see like the beginning of the political hammering of this movie.

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Oh, yeah, because he's got like this old guy's got like a 2016 Make America Great Again poster on his door.

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Like he's 16 or something with Donald Trump. Yeah.

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Yeah. Because he used to be a Colorado governor.

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He dined at the White House.

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I don't think it really needed any of that, but I guess they wanted to root it in our timeline.

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It's probably important to note, too, that this is a Canadian production company.

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I didn't even realize that. That makes sense in the end.

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Yeah, for sure. This movie is full of twists and turns.

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So old dude comes back with a shotgun and he's like blasted all over the place.

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And then the owner of the motel comes in and he's like, what the fuck?

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And he's blasted all over the place.

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And then Nick Cage pops up from behind a couch and he he just puts to like right in this old dude, one right between the guys.

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Everybody gets shot right between the eyes in this movie. Really accurate.

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He had shots just everyone center of mass brain.

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I like it. You mentioned the like hotel manager, whoever the fuck it was.

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I don't even really understand what this is, but I love that scene.

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He's such a shit to Nick Cage when he shows up because I guess nobody likes the Humanity Bureau.

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But then he like tries to sell him water.

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And one of the things that he notes about it is that there's no detectable liquid waste in it.

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Yeah. Like, what a fucking selling point.

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I mean, that's pretty sure there's no shit in here all the times.

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Like they talk about like people drinking piss.

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Like it comes up twice. Yeah.

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Like right in the beginning. And I'm like, oh, man, even kids are drinking piss these days.

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It's like, that's wild. They'll be eating ass and drinking piss into the end of times.

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But the future sounds awesome. Yeah.

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So when they mentioned that twice, when we get to the scene later on where the kid drops like or sets down a glass of lemonade, I'm like, are they serving him piss?

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It's not. I don't think they explicitly say that it's like lemonade until later on.

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Yeah. So I also had started outcast and I got like 20 minutes into it and nobody was drinking piss where they know what someone gets pissed on in it.

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So I was like, what am I doing with this movie?

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That's awesome. Yeah.

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Continuing on, I guess.

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Then like immediately we're on to his next case. He's scoping out this house that has this lady and a kid and he goes to deport them.

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But then like some sob story seems to sway him and like because the kids got a recital and I love the fucking recital.

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Oh, the recital is good.

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So he's like or the mom's like, oh, he's got a recital tomorrow. We can't go to New Eden.

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Like they'll miss it. So Nick Cage delays filing his report for 24 hours.

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And that's where we meet his buddy, Adam, who also works for the bureau.

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He's kind of like, you know, joking around, but also kind of a hard ass.

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He seems like kind of a piece of shit, but like they have some jocularity.

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So you're like, maybe he's fine. Yeah.

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Maybe he's not the main antagonist for this movie. He is.

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It's like four people in this entire movie. So most of them got shot in the motel room.

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First thing. So Nicholas Cage delays the thing.

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The kid gets to have his recital. Nick Cage shows up at the recital for some fucking reason and just wanders in and like stands there and watches.

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But this recital is so fucking ridiculous because they couldn't afford to like get real music or anything.

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There's like seven kids with a giant projection of the American flag across them and they're just singing Amazing Grace.

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And then kid gets his chance to like do a standout solo piece and he just steps forward and merely recites the Pledge of Allegiance with a weird pause too.

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Like right in the middle, like he pauses for effect and looks around and he notices Nick Cage out there and it's like a little nodding of approval from both.

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Then he goes into the part about like God and justice and stuff. I don't know.

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And well, they had a rapport at that point because not only had the kid falling off the roof and Nick Cage like thwacks him on the back and he's better.

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Yeah. But that was also the worst CPR I've ever seen. Right.

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Like the kid. OK. So the kids outside playing while Nick Cage is interviewing the mom and the kid like finds a bird that fell out of a nest.

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So he goes to put it back in the nest, but the nest is on the chimney. So he has to get on the roof and instead of walking all the way up the roof to like be on level with it, he tries to like tiptoe his way up and then just falls off like an idiot.

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So he crashes through like a part of a ceiling and then he's laying on the ground and Nick Cage runs up and he's doing like irregular chest compressions.

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Like sometimes there's like four, then there's one and he's not breathing into his mouth. He's just checking to see if he's breathing.

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So it's like I'm going to pump your heart and hope that just magically what's air in your lungs.

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And then that doesn't work shockingly. So he like lifts him up and just like gives him a big old bro swat on the back and kids like, oh, OK, I'm OK.

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The whole time the mom is just sitting there like, oh, spreading away. God, this is fucking terrible.

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But before that, you both deserve to go to New Eden. Yeah, exactly. You are a burden on the system.

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Yeah. But before that, Nick Cage shows up and the kids like, do you have a gun?

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And he's like, yeah, here you go. His hands have a Beretta. Yeah.

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Yeah, just whips it out. I mean, he did take the magazine out and made sure there wasn't anything in the chamber.

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But still, like kids, 11 years old, do you have a gun? Yep. Here it is.

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Have at it, champ. Next, you'll be telling them about all the old men you shoot in motel rooms.

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So the mom is an actress named Sarah Lynn Lind, and she's pretty bad, I think, as far as acting goes.

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It was fine. No one no one was good in this movie. It was a fairly forgettable performance.

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But what I got excited about, because I was trying to deep dive into literally anything with this movie.

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And I paused the movie. It's not a very deep movie. And I started bouncing around.

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I got into a rabbit hole. But she was in a movie called Wolf Cop. Oh, I've seen Wolf. You've seen Wolf.

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I can't have seen Wolf Cop. Yeah, that's awesome. It looks great. I just watched the trailer.

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Oh, definitely. Watch it. It's right up there. I think it's better than Velocipastor.

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OK, so that's good. Give me a benchmark. Yeah. Have you seen Wolf Cop 2? No.

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OK, we might need to watch Wolf Cop and Wolf Cop 2. And I'm assuming there's a Wolf Cop 3 and probably four.

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Probably. And I bet none of the original cast is any of the movies.

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I love that the main character that is Lou Garou, like that's so hamfisted, but it's great.

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Yeah, kind of in a similar vein. The newer Ninja Turtles animated series, Rise of Ninja Turtles,

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Splinter is like hiding in America before he becomes a rat. This is a weird sidebar.

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But he is like a stunt performer or something. I don't know. I haven't watched it. But his name is Lou Jitsu.

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This was a whole lot just for that. Yeah, no, that's a long walk for a short drink of water, but I liked it.

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All right. So anyway, like they've gone to this recital, which sucked shit. Oh, it was terrible.

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Especially the kid. I can't believe they commuted his sentence for 24 hours for that shit.

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For that. Yeah, of all things. I thought he was going to like play piano or something, but no.

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I thought he would at least like squeakily sing out like, I don't know, the wheels on the bus or something.

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Yeah, nice solo. Not that the kids would know what buses are. Apparently, vehicles haven't been made for 30 years.

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Just keep those El Caminos running. Yeah, it did make sense looking back at like when all the Humanity Bureau cars were leaving

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and it's just like the most hodgepodge. Oh, yeah. Like I think one person was driving a garbage truck.

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That's not ominous at all. Let me just pick you up for your deportation in this garbage truck.

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Don't worry. Just jumping back. You're going to a good place. We promise.

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That's new eating. You'll never have to worry about anything. Read the pamphlet. Yeah.

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Just going to start saying things now because I don't really remember where anything happens in this movie.

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I've watched it twice and I'm still not twice. Oh, yeah. Twice in 24 hours, baby.

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I'm committed to this. Yeah. So like, I don't know. It's all weird.

196
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Like you see a bunch of things going on back at the Humanity Bureau, like Hugh Dillon, who plays Adam West, Westinghouse.

197
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Westinghouse. What a great name. That's his buddy and his partner back there.

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Doing some kind of like investigation into Nick Cage for some reason, being like, you got to check him out. Why hasn't he turned in that report?

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He's up for a promotion. That's why. Blah, blah, blah. And it's like none of this makes any sense.

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And even like the guy that's there. Oh, he has a cool name. Yeah.

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This cell is the cell is which is cellless. The cell is Shannon. Yeah, that's a pretty good name.

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Agent Porter. He was probably my favorite side character in this movie because every moment he's on screen, there's just something like in this.

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Like it's standard procedure to investigate him when he's up for a promotion.

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And the cells is just like standard procedure since when?

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And it's like, oh, you're going to get slapped, buddy. So I liked him the next time he shows up.

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So Adam Wessinghouse comes to like get the people because he's like Nick Cage is up to something and he gets shot in the eye with a BB gun by the shitty kid.

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And they escape, you know, in the best way possible.

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So he got shot in the eye. Adam and Nick Cage are like fighting inside. The fight scenes were so bad. They were like super shaky.

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The camera was way too close. Like, obviously, Nick Cage is just not a young gentleman anymore.

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He can't do these fight scenes as well. So next, Vasellas and them show up and they're like going to go inside.

211
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,000
And then the El Camino rips away just kind of in the distance.

212
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,000
So you don't see like anything about the end of the fight or anything like that.

213
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:51,000
But instead of like chasing them, they just kind of stand there with their fists on their on their hips, just going like, well, shocks.

214
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:56,000
That sure looks like his branded Humanities Bureau vehicle escaping.

215
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,000
It might be a different one. I don't know. It looks like there's three heads in there.

216
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,000
I don't know. But they don't do anything.

217
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:06,000
They like nobody runs inside to see if there's anybody there.

218
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:12,000
Nobody chases after him. So Vasellas eventually goes inside.

219
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,000
This is maybe my favorite scene in the entire movie.

220
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:22,000
There's good details in this, too, because Adam's chain like handcuffed to the radiator hot.

221
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:27,000
And he's yelling at Vasellas to get the key out of the cookie jar.

222
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,000
And so he goes up to the cookie jar and opens it and there's nothing in there.

223
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:36,000
And Adam's like, I said the cookie jar, the bear with the hat.

224
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,000
Don't you listen? And there's just two cookie jars next to each other.

225
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,000
So we just picked up the wrong one and he's getting screamed at.

226
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:48,000
But my favorite detail in this is his eye.

227
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,000
Yes, he's just got a piece of bread taped over his eye.

228
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000
So there's just bread taped to his face to soak up the blood.

229
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,000
He got shot and then handcuffed to a radiator.

230
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:02,000
But it was in reach of bread and electrical tape.

231
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,000
Unless they did it for him.

232
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,000
I like to think that Nicolas Cage did it for him.

233
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:13,000
Knocked him out, handcuffed him, showed him where you put the key and then applied first bread,

234
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000
which is probably the best first aid we've seen in this movie so far.

235
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:20,000
Technically it is. Yeah. So yeah, they they run off. They escape.

236
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,000
This is where it gets a little ambiguous.

237
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:33,000
Somewhere in the mix, Nick Cage has like met his insider guy who gives him a like USB drive that has information revealing what New Eden really is.

238
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,000
What the fuck is up with this?

239
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:41,000
Because they never show anybody like like how who contacted who or anything.

240
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,000
He just shows up at a greenhouse storage unit or something.

241
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,000
Well, he walks into like a building that's like obviously under construction.

242
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,000
It's like exposed metal studs and things like that.

243
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,000
And then gets in an elevator and there's some dude in there and he's like going up.

244
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:59,000
Hey, we're going to tell you the truth about it all.

245
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,000
Oh, OK. So they do all the like talking to him.

246
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:10,000
And then he goes to the greenhouse because in the greenhouse there's an envelope and that's where the little like Scani Drive thing was.

247
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:18,000
And on the Scani Drive, there's something because all we see is his back and he just sits there and goes, what have we done?

248
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:28,000
Yeah. But then like the next scene pretty much is Westinghouse now with his like slick ass eye patch being talked to by the like upper management.

249
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:34,000
And they're pissed that Cage got away and they're like sitting with this palette of boxes.

250
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:40,000
And at the end, they just open it up and it's like dust, but they're like, oh, is this a child's tooth?

251
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:48,000
What was with the audio in this scene where it was just like super fucking weirdly echoey and like it was just bad.

252
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,000
This movie was made for six million bucks.

253
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,000
And it's no surprise that it made sixty thousand.

254
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:57,000
Sixty thousand. Yeah, that's almost that's a hot take home.

255
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:03,000
They reveal that New Eden is a death camp gas and burn everybody.

256
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:07,000
Yeah, I kind of really wanted it to be more of a like the world's fucked up.

257
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,000
Why didn't they turn people into food?

258
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,000
Like, why is this not a Soylent Green thing?

259
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:16,000
The Soylent Green or like there's so many more interesting ways they could have handled New Eden.

260
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:23,000
Anything they could have literally been plugging them in and using bioelectricity to power a city.

261
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,000
Right. That just came to me. That would have been more interesting.

262
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:32,000
That's way more interesting. It's probably already a movie, but that's this is the thing with this movie is I feel like every opportunity

263
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:37,000
they had to do something that was like fun or interesting or like sci fi out of the box.

264
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,000
They just fucking don't. Yeah. Nothing.

265
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:44,000
The most high tech thing is his cell phone, which is pretty cool.

266
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,000
It's a pretty cool cell phone. Yeah. But that's it.

267
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:54,000
Well, his car is pretty cool because when he punctured the gas tank, it was like gas tank punctured, gas tank punctured.

268
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,000
And he's like, well, switch to reserves.

269
00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:03,000
And it's like reserve tank empty. So then he's like, well, transfer the fucking fuel from the main tank to this car.

270
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,000
Yeah. And then apparently it does that.

271
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,000
So that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Actually, that's that's good future tech.

272
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:14,000
Now, I've never had a gas tank puncture. Have you ever had a car that had a double gas tank?

273
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:19,000
Yeah, I used to drive a 74 F-150 back in the back in the days. There you go.

274
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:28,000
My country days. I did have a car that had a rust hole at the top, the gas tank, though, so I couldn't ever fill my car up.

275
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:35,000
I would just kind of get down to like a quarter tank and then put like 20 bucks in it because I knew that that wouldn't overflow it

276
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:40,000
because there were numerous times where I'd fill up my car and it would like just pour out the bottom.

277
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,000
And I'd be like, well, good thing it's three in the morning.

278
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:49,000
Nobody's going to watch me drive away leaking gas down fucking Rainier Avenue.

279
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,000
They escape. Yeah.

280
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:55,000
Northerly. They go north. They get some assistance. To go to Canada.

281
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,000
Yeah, because it's always about Canada.

282
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:05,000
There's a lake up there that he remembers from his childhood, but everybody's like, everything's burnt up. It's all irradiated.

283
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,000
There's no more lakes. There's no fish in the ocean.

284
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:13,000
So they get some help from a farmer lady who trades them cars.

285
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,000
She kind of says, go talk to this dude. He can help you.

286
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:21,000
They talk to this dude and he's got the worst German accent. So bad.

287
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:30,000
But his name was what was it like Adolf Schroeder? Yeah, Schroeder, because he because when he was a kid, he came to America.

288
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,000
Then like his parents died when like the famines and stuff.

289
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:39,000
I don't know. But for some reason, he still clung to this German accent. I don't know.

290
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:48,000
I think he puts it on, but he can't afford proper like vocal coaching because like Schwarzenegger maintained vocal coaching to keep his accent.

291
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Oh, interesting. Because you're in a country for so long.

292
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,000
You just lose sort of adapt. Right. I bet this guy couldn't afford it.

293
00:21:55,000 --> 00:22:00,000
Or there was there were no vocal coaches that wasn't appropriately contributing to society and the humanity.

294
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,000
They got burned up. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

295
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:11,000
I mean, one of his lines is I am German. Yeah. OK, thanks, Adolf. Yeah, we got it.

296
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,000
He and his, I don't know, it's cohort. I don't know.

297
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:20,000
I don't know what they are. The two children who have fashioned themselves as Native Americans

298
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:25,000
and are referred to as Indian Braves later by the kid.

299
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:32,000
Then the mom's like, they're not Indians. He gives them some like directions on how to get up to Canada,

300
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:38,000
like the only way to cross and then gives them like some iodine tablets and a Geiger counter.

301
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:45,000
And he's like, go on, have fun. At one point, they do hit like some really heavy radiation.

302
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:49,000
But there's I guess just to show the Geiger counter working or something.

303
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:55,000
Yeah, it must have just been for that because there's no repercussions for it in the car.

304
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,000
Like the kids just like, is my hair going to fall out? Blah, blah, blah.

305
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,000
But then he like gets a nosebleed. He's like, I have a nosebleed.

306
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:05,000
And it's like, OK, radiation. And then the kids just like, I get nosebleeds sometimes.

307
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:10,000
What the fuck? Why couldn't that just be an effect of the radiation?

308
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:14,000
Show us like some kind of peril. Yeah, that's exactly right.

309
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,000
Like there isn't any peril, even when there are people shooting at them.

310
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:24,000
It has no stakes. Oh, OK. So shooting the first fight with Adam back at the farmhouse

311
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:32,000
when the mom has this gun, she like shoots and it's just like this rainbow arc of automatic fire.

312
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:41,000
But then 24 hours later, they're in this abandoned gas station or warehouse or something.

313
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:45,000
And there's these dudes that are coming at Nick Cage or whatever.

314
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:51,000
And they're shooting at him and like she shows up and then she just straight malls them.

315
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,000
Like fucking mows them down with this automatic rifle.

316
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,000
She goes like three or four of them. Yeah, three of them. Yeah. Right away.

317
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:03,000
No, like no misses, I'm sure. I'm sure they were all headshots. Exactly.

318
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:08,000
30 rounds, empty to clip all headshots across three dudes in this scene.

319
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,000
They were there like the car was overheating.

320
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:15,000
So the kid goes to like, oh, no, he goes to take a crap.

321
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,000
Nick Cage is working on the car and he's like, oh, where's the kid?

322
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,000
And she's like, he's taking a dump.

323
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,000
He's like, why don't you go in? And she's like, because he's taking a dump.

324
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:28,000
Yeah, he's 11. Yeah. So Nick goes back there and like Adam just is mysteriously there.

325
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,000
He's just always there.

326
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,000
Like how did he get into the bathroom?

327
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,000
Because he like scares the kid by rolling toilet paper underneath the stall.

328
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,000
And I don't know, he just kind of wiggles a couple of fingers.

329
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:45,000
Is anybody home? You tap your feet three times.

330
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,000
Yeah, like Adams just always there.

331
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:53,000
How did he know they were going to have car problems and stop at this place?

332
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,000
How because they're not in the bureau car anymore.

333
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,000
They're in the station wagon. So I don't fucking know.

334
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,000
Adam has captured the kid. Oh, yeah.

335
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:07,000
Oh, and Nick Cage and Rachel, the mom drive off and they're like, we're going to get him at the back door.

336
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,000
We have a safety plan or whatever. I don't know.

337
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:15,000
But the kid like immediately is talking shit to Adam.

338
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:19,000
And then once you've shot a guy's eyes, it doesn't matter how old you are.

339
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,000
You get to fucking. Yeah. Oh, man.

340
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:27,000
So then he like lifts Adams fake eyeball out of his pocket and then makes fun of him.

341
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,000
Why was it there? I don't know.

342
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,000
Like, you've got a perfectly good eye hole.

343
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:35,000
Just take that patch off. Yeah.

344
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:42,000
And then it gets like knocked out of his hand and it goes down into a gutter area and the kids like, I'll get it.

345
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:49,000
Just jumps in there and leaves. And Adams just like, OK, I hope that kid comes back with my eyeball.

346
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:58,000
Yeah. And then he just somehow manages to get outside right as like Nick and Rachel are driving around and almost almost pancake him.

347
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,000
Yeah. So then they escape.

348
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:11,000
But they go up to Canada, see the cooling towers, they check the Geiger counter and it's like, oh, there's only two milligrams or whatever.

349
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:15,000
Microrems. I don't know. Yeah. Two radiations here.

350
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:22,000
And they're like, well, it must be wrong. So they check the batteries and it's like, oh, no, there's just no radiation.

351
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:29,000
And then we get the super great line of it's easier to build fear than build a wall or something like that.

352
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:34,000
It's like, Jesus. Then they like they're driving and then the car breaks down again.

353
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:38,000
They like get up to the like border crossing kind of place.

354
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:43,000
Humanity Bureau agents chasing them and they're like trying to the kids like, hey, help us.

355
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:51,000
And it's like, yeah, because they man the border crossing in this area that's supposed to be completely devoid of anything.

356
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:58,000
Yeah. Even though there's fucking trees everywhere, Adam confronts them because he just shows up out of nowhere again, I'm assuming.

357
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,000
He probably has like wings of an angel.

358
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:06,000
So he just swoops down where he's needed the most to shoot people.

359
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:13,000
Yeah. He's got them like lined up and it's like, give me the fucking Scani do that USB drive.

360
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:17,000
Yeah. Of the future. Yeah. Future USB, USB D.

361
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:21,000
And look for it this Christmas.

362
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,000
He's like, give me that thing or I'll fucking kill you.

363
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:29,000
And Nick's like, no. And then he's like, I've only got one ticket back anyways.

364
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,000
So he shoots the mom boom out of nowhere.

365
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,000
She's just done with this movie. Dead. Headshot. Square in the floor.

366
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,000
Right between the eyes. Fucking headshot.

367
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,000
And she's out. It's like, OK, well, that's fine.

368
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:47,000
So now it's just Nick and this kid and Nick is just like, let him go. Let the kid go and I'll give it to you.

369
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:52,000
And so Adam's like, I'm feeling pretty generous. So I'll let him go.

370
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:58,000
So the kid runs off into the woods, just into the woods. Right. And good luck in Canada.

371
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:03,000
Nick gives him the thing and like Adam's partner goes to like scan it.

372
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:12,000
It's empty. And so now Adam's pissed. So he just turns around and shoots Nick. No interrogation. No like trying to figure out what's going on.

373
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:16,000
Maybe you could give me that information that's on there. You really hosed me here.

374
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:23,000
I'm just going to shoot you. So he shoots him. And then the fucking kid rolls back around and starts throwing rocks at Adam.

375
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:27,000
He's such a little fucking shit and dumbass. He is so dumb.

376
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,000
So he's about to get shot in the head.

377
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:38,000
And then cavalry comes out and like some Native American sniper just starts shooting everybody. Is it Native? Well, yeah.

378
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:42,000
Well, yeah. Indigenous person. Indigenous person. I don't know what they call them in Canada.

379
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:47,000
I think it's indigenous people. First nation. Who knows? I'll just say all my woke words today.

380
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:52,000
Drop it in the comments. A bunch of sex workers start shooting guns.

381
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,000
I know I got really excited because I was like, oh fuck, is it the Mounties?

382
00:28:55,000 --> 00:29:03,000
Nope. It's just somebody we've never seen before. Shoots everybody except for Agent Porter.

383
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:07,000
Agent Porter just kind of goes, nope, throws his gun down and like runs away.

384
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:11,000
And it's like, yeah, you go, dude. You're the best character in this movie.

385
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:19,000
Then the kid is just next scene with these two indigenous people, first nation sex workers.

386
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:25,000
And they're like, oh, so the thingy was empty. And the kids like, oh, sure.

387
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:30,000
And the guy's like, well, did he give you anything? And the kids like, well, he gave me this rabbit's foot.

388
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:35,000
And the Indian guy pulls it out and it's like, oh, it's got the thing. And they play it.

389
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:39,000
And next thing you know, it's like all of this damning information.

390
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:45,000
But it's like immediately a worldwide broadcast, but it's only Nicolas Cage talking.

391
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:49,000
You're just having to take his word for it. This guy you've never heard of.

392
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:56,000
New Eden is a death camp. It's a gas chamber crematorium. OK, sure.

393
00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:02,000
Oh, let's not forget that at one point they just decide that the kid is Nicolas Cage's kid.

394
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,000
Oh, that's right. Yeah.

395
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:07,000
Just well, you know, in case we needed another plot point.

396
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:12,000
Yeah, this kid was once Nick Cage. Well, I mean, it came from Nick Slowing.

397
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:18,000
And the mom was never actually the mom. It was the the real mom's neighbor.

398
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:21,000
And the real mom was going to sell the baby.

399
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,000
And she was like, you know, people were eating people back then.

400
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:28,000
Yeah, it was during the famines. So I didn't feel right about it.

401
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,000
And we got in an argument and I killed her. Those babies are tender.

402
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,000
I killed the mother of your child.

403
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:38,000
But then once you have that information and you go back and you watch this movie a second time, it's like,

404
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:45,000
did they just decide that, like on the day because none of these other scenes like he never acknowledges that this woman,

405
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:49,000
because he's got a photo of the actual Rachel Weller.

406
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:53,000
At most, he makes like a little like interesting kind of face.

407
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:56,000
They never say a fucking word about it. Yeah.

408
00:30:56,000 --> 00:31:00,000
It feels like one of those things where like scenes were shot independently,

409
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:06,000
like nobody involved in the previous scene helped to write or direct or shoot the next scene.

410
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:13,000
It was weird. Yeah. Nobody attached to this movie really had anything impressive that I saw.

411
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:16,000
I mean, aside from Nick Cage, you know, I kind of enjoyed Adam.

412
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,000
He did have almost like a character arc.

413
00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:23,000
Even at one point, he's just like, we're on the wrong side of history, Porter.

414
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:27,000
Yeah. It's like, OK, they at least tried to do something.

415
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:33,000
But even after acknowledging that they just go out and try to cover up all the information.

416
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:37,000
It's like we're on the wrong side of history, but so are the Nazis and we saw what happened to them.

417
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:40,000
So I guess we just carry on.

418
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,000
There's no like redemption at all in this movie.

419
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:47,000
Like the only one who gets any sort of good come up is the kid.

420
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:51,000
And he sucked. We don't even know like if it's good for him in Canada.

421
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:55,000
Good point. Well, I got to go swimming right before the credits roll.

422
00:31:55,000 --> 00:32:00,000
Yeah, that is the movie. And it was awesome.

423
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,000
Yeah. How many radiations do you give it?

424
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:07,000
I give it a perfect seven out of five. Good. That's that says a lot.

425
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:13,000
Yeah. I mean, if anyone actually wants to watch this movie, I watched it on Tubi with ads.

426
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,000
It's on Peacock also. OK. I don't know.

427
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,000
Did you have a quote from it that you liked? No.

428
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:23,000
The only one that I even made a note of and I was like, I think this is probably going to be the best one.

429
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:29,000
He is in the elevator with the guy who gives him the new Eden documentation or whatever.

430
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:35,000
And he just goes, what is the truth?

431
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:39,000
It's like this was such a stoic, boring performance from Nick Cage.

432
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:44,000
The whole movie was just kind of bizarre. If you're really bored, it's worth watching.

433
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:49,000
That's you're more generous about it than I am. Experience this.

434
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:53,000
I don't think you're going to like it. It's just so mediocre.

435
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:57,000
It's not bad enough to be enjoyable. It's not good enough to be enjoyable.

436
00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:01,000
I don't know. I mean, like, what would you do to change this movie to make it not such shit?

437
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:05,000
Changing the stakes would really kind of help a lot.

438
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:15,000
Changing the whole new Eden thing, maybe making Adam Westinghouse's revelations about it parallel cages.

439
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:19,000
So he finds out about it because it's kind of alluded to that he knew.

440
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:23,000
Yeah. Well, it wasn't all that surprised by the box of bones that were all cremated.

441
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:31,000
Maybe make him kind of discover this as well, sort of give us a character moment for that guy.

442
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:38,000
I think for me, if this had any budget and they could have made the future tech stuff more interesting, I think that could have been cool.

443
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:45,000
If you could imagine, you know, sort of Minority Report visuals paired with this, I think it could be a little more interesting.

444
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:51,000
I think if they could have gone the other way with the tech, sort of everything's fucked like cars.

445
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:53,000
They don't make cars anymore. Right.

446
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:59,000
So why do we have super fucking fancy cell phones that project things up for us and whatnot?

447
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,000
Yeah. Maybe focus on getting cars again. Yeah.

448
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:11,000
Or so like make everything like almost homemade tech, cyberpunk, red, slapdash sort of technology.

449
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:12,000
I feel like that could have helped it.

450
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:17,000
They would have at least given more flavor to the the environment.

451
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:21,000
Because really, it just looks like they filmed everything in Wyoming or something and that's it.

452
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:26,000
Like nothing is beautiful or interesting or no.

453
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:34,000
But that really kind of I think that helps with their low budget and being able to be like everything's fucked.

454
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:37,000
Everything's brown and like irradiated and dead.

455
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,000
But you can do you can do brown and irradiated and dead. Cool.

456
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:47,000
Like Mad Max Fury Road is a fucking wasteland and it's beautiful and interesting. Yes.

457
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:52,000
So but they also had budget and a great director. Yeah.

458
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,000
Yeah, I guess that helps.

459
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,000
I would give it a better story.

460
00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:00,000
That's what I would do to make this a better movie. I would make it a better story.

461
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,000
That's thinking out of the box, man. I like that.

462
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:05,000
You know, that's what I'm here for.

463
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:14,000
It weirds me out the way they flip back and forth between like bureaucratic government officials and detectives.

464
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,000
It's like, what are you? Yeah, absolutely.

465
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:19,000
Why are you solving this mystery?

466
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:22,000
Also, why are you so good at shooting people in the head?

467
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:25,000
Everybody. It's all they train for. Exactly.

468
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,000
Just right between the eyes. That's it.

469
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:30,000
NFL receivers train for one handed catches.

470
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,000
This guy, everybody in the world now.

471
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:35,000
Aim for the head. Just really good at that.

472
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:41,000
Maybe there's a background story we're not hearing about zombies like irradiated zombies.

473
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:44,000
That's why they're so good at shooting for the head. Go for the dome.

474
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:48,000
Because they don't they don't have a lot of bullets left in the world because there's no cars.

475
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:53,000
This is a non sequitur. Well, it's not. I mean, it is a sequitur.

476
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,000
Have you ever heard of Leslie and the Lies? No.

477
00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:03,000
She was kind of a weird video music subculture icon for a little bit.

478
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,000
And she was in like a couple of Internet things.

479
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:11,000
Do you remember the Save the Internet's video with like the Peter Pan guy and the Tron guy?

480
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:14,000
Yeah, she was in that. Oh, OK.

481
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:20,000
But anyway, there's a song that I saw once when I was staying at some hotel and I had turned on the TV at like one in the morning.

482
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:22,000
And it was just like weird music videos.

483
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:29,000
And there was this black and white video about the zombie apocalypse and it's her singing about you have to shoot all of them in the head.

484
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,000
It's kind of a banger. Yeah. Leslie and the Lies.

485
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:37,000
I bet if I look it up, if it's Internet related, I'll see it and be like, oh, OK.

486
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:43,000
That's this lady. She's like in a sparkly onesie always and has super like big granny glasses.

487
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,000
OK, that's our recommendation for this week.

488
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:50,000
Don't watch this movie. Watch Leslie and the Lies. Shoot zombies in the head.

489
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:54,000
Yeah. And I mean, if you've got an hour and a half, go ahead and watch this movie.

490
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:59,000
Yeah. But you can watch Leslie and the Lies on your phone while you watch this movie.

491
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:04,000
You can. Just repeat. You don't have to pay too much attention because the writers certainly didn't.

492
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:10,000
I think the only other thing is we want to call out our new patron, Matt. Thank you for joining on.

493
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:15,000
We really appreciate it. And thanks to our other patrons, Josh, Sean, Josie and Rico.

494
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:21,000
If anybody wants to, it would be great if you could like, subscribe and support us if you can tell your friends.

495
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:27,000
We need more people to listen and appreciate that. And someone, please, God, give Nick a comment.

496
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:30,000
Yeah, it's really weird. I think I figured out where to find them.

497
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:35,000
I mean, you've asked for it every episode, I think. Yeah. But I haven't put in a lot of work on my end.

498
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,000
Fair enough. Maybe I'll go comment.

499
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:43,000
Next episode, we'll be back to the regularly scheduled plan.

500
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:46,000
We're going to have Sean and Eric back. Well, Eric is our guest.

501
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:52,000
And we will be reviewing Peggy Sue Got Married and The Family Man.

502
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:56,000
Yeah, just in time for Christmas, but it will come out after Christmas. So fuck y'all.

503
00:37:56,000 --> 00:38:02,000
Look for that in the beginning to middle of January. Yeah. Perfect timing.

504
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:17,000
Good night.

505
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:36,000
The Box of Wood and Silky Pajamas.

506
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:40,000
Shoot them in the brains, if you want to live.

507
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:44,000
Shoot them in the brain.

508
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:49,000
If you want to survive them eating your flesh.

509
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:53,000
I suggest you shoot them in the brains.

510
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:57,000
You zombie killers.

511
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,000
You don't make him love