Oh god. Oh my god.
Fuuuuck!
Fuuuuuuuuck!
When are they gonna bring back the derriere ball?
I don't know.
Would you feel comfortable riding in one?
Okay. We still ride in boats and the Titanic happened.
That's true.
Also, to be fair, mostly Nazis died, so that's kind of a win-win.
Yeah, that's fair too.
Maybe this is how we solve our Nazi problem now.
Just make more derriere balls.
Make more derriere balls.
Yeah. With turtles brought back blimps in the 80s.
It's true. The turtle blimp.
I had the turtle blimp toy and there was like a pinhole in the blimp part of it.
So I just had like the bit that hung down because I blow it up and it would just immediately deflate.
Oh, what a bummer.
And I could never find the pinhole.
And yeah, so I just had like the thing they rode on and it was just kind of like a weird sky bike.
And I was miserable for it.
Welcome back to Cage Match.
Colon, a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage with Nick, Sean, and Peter.
I am Sean.
I'm Nick.
I'm Peter. Hi.
We watch all the Nicolas Cage movies, so you only have to watch good ones.
Or you can watch the bad ones too.
They mostly have value.
We're kind of in the middle of the bracket right now where everything is sort of not great.
Yeah.
But not bad.
I mean, there's some there's some great terrible.
That is true.
We're going to talk about some of it today.
So this is a podcast where we watch 64 of what we assume will be probably Nick Cage's best films.
Probably.
We watch them two at a time, talk about them, debate their finer points and decide we'll go on to potentially be the best Nick Cage movie of all time, according to us.
Yeah, ostensibly based on caginess of the movies, but also watchability.
Yeah, that's a big part of it.
Yeah, because there have been some cagey films that are not so watchable, not so watchable.
Right.
One of which you have to watch again.
Thanks to Nick, we got rid of adaptation.
And that's a spoiler alert for anybody who hasn't listened to our original episode, our second episode.
Yeah, I really yeah, I'd be interested to know who's coming into this on episode 13.
Hey, drop down in the comments and tell me what what episode you started out on.
Also, please hit that like button and subscribe.
Let's get that.
Let's get that out of the way at the top.
I appreciate that.
And if you do feel generous and want to throw us any money, we do have a Patreon and any support is highly appreciated.
A big thank you to our new patrons, Josie and Rico and Sean.
Yeah, officially, officially a real patron now.
He's a real boy.
Yeah, we're real proud of him.
So, Sean, I know that you hate AI generated art and I do, too, for lots of reasons.
But on the one true God, Nick Cage subreddit, they often post a bunch of Nick Cage art and I can't get over it.
Like, AI art already kind of sucks.
And these are just like constantly melting candle versions of Nick Cage.
He always has a rat teeth and it's very weird.
I don't understand what AI thinks he is, but it is not him.
You know, 26 movies in business.
I'm not sure if I know what Nick Cage is anymore.
Boy, that's a deeper statement.
What is life, Peter?
It's just this.
I think.
Oh, God, are we in hell?
Maybe.
Speaking of hell.
Hey, all right.
This week we are talking about drive angry 2011 drive angry in 2012 stolen.
And maybe if we're lucky, a little bit of Ghost Rider in the middle.
No.
So a condemned murderer breaks out of hell to exact revenge and to exact vengeance and make sure hell doesn't walk earth.
His name, Johnny Blaze.
Just right off the top, it is shocking how similar the premise of those movies are.
So this is a movie about a dude who escapes from hell on a quest for vengeance.
He is trying to find some bad cultists who steal babies and kill them to try to bring Satan into the world.
In his adventure, he finds Amber Turd and allegedly, allegedly.
And they have a team up.
There's budget stone cold Steve Austin, who was one of the screenwriters in this movie.
That's true.
Todd Farmer.
He looks like a real douchebag.
Apparently, he puts a special thanks to his wife in the crates of all of his films.
Thanks, honey.
Those are that's a level of fun facts people can expect for these movies.
OK.
So, yeah, Nicolas Cage is starring as Milton, the aforementioned guy who escaped from hell.
Amber heard is Piper, the super white trash lady.
And William Fitchner is the accountant who is sent from hell to find Nicolas Cage and bring him back.
Yeah, Fickner.
Yeah, it's spelled Fitchner.
Yeah, Fickner.
He fucking rules.
Yeah.
Just in general, he's always such a weirdo.
But well, he's one of those people.
I always think he's someone else.
Oh, and then you also have the cult leader, Jonah King, who's played by Billy Burke.
Yeah.
The dad from Twilight.
Oh, I've never seen any of those.
They're fine.
I don't know why, but for when the accountants first on the screen, you seem kind of a distance.
I'm like, is that Stephen Weber from Wang's who was also in even Las Vegas?
And I'm like, no, it's not.
Then it is that guy from the insurance commercials.
Now it's not him either.
You know what this movie could have used?
Tony Shalhoub.
I kind of think every movie could use Tony Shalhoub.
I only say that because I was trying to remember Stephen Weber's name and I just Googled Wang's.
Yeah.
So what do you want to say about this movie?
All right.
Let's just get this out at the top because we talk about it for most Nick Cage films.
There's a lot of there's a lot of exposed breasts in this film.
Oh, yeah.
This one was like thick with them, too.
I started out with this because this is a topic I have something to say about.
It was awesome.
This movie was lousy with nudity.
Yeah, it's like it's very grindhouse style film.
There's like excessive nudity.
There is a gunfight scene that involves fucking.
Mm hmm.
That's that. That was good.
And then just naked ladies dancing around a fire at the end before the big climactic fight.
And even some of them shoot machine guns.
If you look carefully, you can see a dong in that scene.
Oh, yeah.
All right. Is that the first time we've seen?
No, we saw Cage's.
Oh, no, Sean.
We definitely we definitely saw Sean Penn's balls.
Oh, yeah, we saw Sean Penn's balls.
Nice. This podcast is quickly becoming Mr. Skin.
You can see Sean Penn's balls at one hour and 13 minutes.
I probably wrote it down. I don't know.
Go back through my note.
So dong, you say?
Yeah, you know, it was just in the background of that.
Oh, cultist scene.
We should also say this film was at the height.
Actually, this was like the kind of early one of the early four days back into big screen 3D.
The director of this also directed My Bloody Valentine, which was right on that like early cusp of like big schlocky action horror 3D film.
I didn't immediately realize that this was a 3D movie until I looked it up later.
Same with me.
I watched it the first time and I'm like, man, the CG in this movie sucks.
And then Peter was like, man, I hate early CG and like or not early CD, early 3D movies.
And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's what that was.
That's why the bullets are always coming at me.
But look terrible.
And like, here's a hatchet that suddenly flings towards the screen.
And yeah, sure.
And I get that it was fairly early on in the 3D Renaissance of the odds.
But yeah, it's such a simple, stupid way to do it.
It's like, oh, here, look, somebody's eyeballs going to pop out at you.
All right.
It being a 3D film was one of the driving factors why Nick Cage wanted to do it because he was really interested in the technology at the time.
And he was like, I want to see what I can do with that.
Turns out not much.
If you could make one movie 3D that's not already 3D, what would you choose?
Like just first movie that comes to your head.
I've got there's something about Mary.
I think that would be really good, especially the Franken beans part.
You can really get the texture out of that one.
Yeah.
Let me go with Billy Madison.
You just want that Miss Lippy scene in 3D.
Adam Sandler would be interested to see what he does with 3D.
And I just watched Waterboy the other day, which didn't deserve a rewatch.
I'm like, maybe Billy Madison World Trade Center World Trade Center.
Yeah.
OK, that's good.
No, man, you can't get the best out of that because you never actually see the planes coming at you.
They never show the planes.
I wonder why because it was a hoax.
I die on that hill call backs talk a little.
So we were talking about 3D a little bit, but talk about the visuals in general.
They're terrible.
Remember that time that the hydrogen truck rolled in?
That is the best worst scene in the film.
OK, so just from the outset, the movie starts with Nick Cage driving out of hell and within isolation of allegedly.
With just in isolation of a CG car driving through CG hell, it looks passable.
It's fine.
There's nothing to compare.
There's nothing to compare it to.
That was kind of spawn level for me.
It was fun level, but there's there's no juxtaposition between like live actors to make it look bad, to make it look as bad as it is.
It works well in isolation.
The next scene is a bunch of hillbillies in a pickup truck and like you said he was dead.
Well, he's not.
But you said and like Nick Cage's car coming out crashing into them.
Then the cage gets out of the car and this is where you get to see a sweet like bleach blonde hair.
Yeah, guy pulls a tire iron and Nick Cage blows his hand off and there's just bad CG spray of blood that I guess is meant to come at you.
Probably then someone else like gets out of the car, starts shooting.
The bullets are coming at you.
But again, don't have a 3D TV.
I don't think anyone does at this point.
I knew one person who rented a movie.
They had a 3D TV and they rented my bloody Valentine.
And like we were over there and it's like, well, he's only got one pair of glasses.
This is fucking dumb.
So but just like the car chases for the most part are fine for a movie called Drive Angry.
There's not that much driving in it.
And none of it was all that angry.
No, the last thing is pretty angry when he's just like mowing down cultists.
But that's also the most just CG car in the film.
Like at one point, he's up on two wheels and like comes crashing down in a couple of hippies.
Cultists.
Come at me, hippies.
The driving like the stunt driving is fairly fun.
What little there is.
There's a fun chase with a Winnebago.
So the fight in the Winnebago was real.
Yeah. But the worst CG by far is the God killer.
The gun he stole from Satan.
Yeah. That is meant to like it can kill gods or just you die.
Your soul goes away.
No heaven, no hell.
It erases you.
Yeah.
And it is got just the most mid to late 90s, like early CG, like quake level special effects that like shoot when it comes out.
It's just like a weird sparkler.
Yeah. It looks like someone shoots a fucking Roman candle at somebody else and they just get launched into the air.
Well, it's like a five barrel revolver pistol thing that shoots prayers.
The thing that bugged me about it was it's on a gun belt and they wear it around their like shoulders.
So it looks like a bandolier, but it's not a bandolier.
It's a gun belt.
How big is the devil compared to how small his hands like it's a big gun, but it fits people's normal hands.
Yeah.
So it's like a hell of a kick.
It does have a hell of a kick.
Like the special effects are terrible.
Nick Cage hams it up pretty good.
Yeah.
He does a pretty good job.
There is a probably the best scene is the fight in the motel.
I don't know.
I'm always going to go back to that fight with the writer because he looked so fucking dumb.
And he's just the guy is playing Amber Heard's fiance.
And she's kind of established that he's not necessarily a great guy just through body language and stuff.
You know, you learn how to read these things and you're a big dog like myself.
But, you know, Nick Cage helps her get home, fixes her car and whatnot.
She enters the apartment or trailer apartment, please.
It's a trailer.
And this guy's just like banging on the bed.
And then he's looking back and forth at the door and he's just got this look of like fear and he's just going like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.
And the chicks like, yeah, fuck me, fuck me.
And Amber Heard runs up and like grabs her by her hair, grabs her out.
Budget Steve Austin is like trying to keep his wiener from being in the shot.
Amber Heard knocks out this woman.
Yeah, it's very much a trailer park scene.
Just OK, can we talk about this like the scene in the diner?
So Amber Heard's character is a diner waitress at the start of this film.
And Nick Cage is like, I ain't her because he's the car for some reason.
Well, yeah, it's a sweet ride.
I'm assuming 69 Mustang.
Yeah.
License plate drive under right next to a bumper sticker that says I break for Pussy.
Oh, yeah, because it's the boyfriend's car.
Yeah. Classy.
So Nick Cage is in this diner.
He has a mug in front of him while he's looking at all these maps.
And this waitress comes up and he's just like, you're going to you're going to fuck me when I get out of work.
Well, not subtle.
Why does everyone want to fuck Nick Cage in this movie?
This movie was incredibly horny.
And it's not just any waitress that was Katie Mixon.
Yes.
But like he grabs her by the throat, pulls her in and makes out with her, then throws her away.
It's like I said sugar and like just starts pouring like just mountains of sugar into his coffee.
That reminds me a little bit of the first men in black when Edgar's body.
Yeah.
So, yes.
OK, so he's trying to track down a baby.
The baby is his granddaughter because his daughter was in a cult.
He died years ago.
His punishment in hell was having to watch all of his loved ones and the shitty lives that they have to live.
So that's how he's kept current on events.
In terms of there's no C-span in hell, I guess.
In terms of a punishment.
I mean, that doesn't seem like an eternal punishment because eventually your loved ones will die.
Maybe you just rewatch all that.
You get reruns.
But so they don't explain that till after he has this weird like he's just thinking about like this woman and mustachioed guy who getting murdered in a mug.
Tell none of that's explained when we say, yeah, it's really weird scene.
And it's also got like a TV filter over it, which we later learn is because you watch the suffering of your loved ones.
But none of that's explained before this weird flashback.
Oh, you know, I hadn't actually gotten that impression with the filter on it.
I just watched it and I was like, I don't know who these fuckers are.
Jonah King, the cultist leader thinks he's the new Messiah, who had his dick bit off by Nick Cage's daughter.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
And then took her femur and added to the top of his cane, which is a sweet cane.
Sweet cane. Yeah.
How much did you think that we were going to see stump dick?
I thought it was fairly certain.
Yeah.
In 3D.
Also, what's the point of being a cult?
I'm not going to I'm not going to make that joke because Peter will actually leave it in the podcast and I'll sound like a monster.
No, what's the point of being a cult leader if you don't got if you got like, you know, a weird stuff deck?
That's fair. OK.
But speaking back, fucking not as stunted, but speaking of that guy, that dumb fucking necklace that he wears, it's their symbol, which he keeps getting stabbed with.
I would have come up with Bob and Margera is the villain of this film.
Yeah, he keeps wearing this necklace that everyone steps with.
It's like maybe don't wear that or round it out.
What do you guys think of grindhouse movies like just in general?
I you know, I think they're fun.
I like them.
I mean, I like a good low budget grindhouse film.
I like kind of the weird art tour style of like a renegade filmmaking that that era comes from.
And this weirdly overly produced we're doing this for the sake of doing it doesn't really do it for me.
I don't know. I spend a lot of my life just doing things for the sake of doing them.
But you spend 50 million dollars to do them.
I don't think anybody spent 50 million dollars on this.
That was the estimated budget of this film.
All for the 3D. I'm sure.
Probably.
It made like 42 million worldwide gross.
But this was and again, this was also the early days of 3D.
So that was kind of a big selling point.
But to answer your question, yeah, like I like grindhouse movies.
They're like just kind of senseless violence and action that all centers around some very loose plot, usually summed up in like two to three sentences.
Yeah, I think that's kind of how I feel about it, too.
My biggest beef with this is that it was fucking like two hours long.
But give me give me a tight 80 on this movie.
And I think that this could be pretty fun.
Yeah. Now, if you just skip the first scene, save yourself on some minutes right there.
That's true. That's also the first scene ends with the three drive angry and silver.
Yeah, they kind of roll in like an old Windows 98 screensaver.
Well, OK, that's what. Yeah, that's about the era of visual fidelity you're getting from the special effects in this film.
Yeah, it's awesome.
And there's like there are a lot of fun scenes in the film, like especially fun violent scenes.
There's a scene where Nicholas Cage is having sex with women and he's fully clothed and she is fully not.
And getting it to. Yeah.
And now, yeah, that's when Jonah King's like crew breaks into the room and he just starts like shooting up the place while still and never stops fucking.
And he's got a big old cigar in his mouth. Yeah.
It's like a huge cigar and a bottle of whiskey.
And he's just railing this woman and murdering everybody really this one with his like pants on and everything.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to share my favorite quote right now.
So we can stop dancing. Yes.
She's like, you know, why don't you take your clothes off?
I mean, you just like cigar in his mouth is like, I never disrobe before a gunfight door kicked in and he just pulls a gun and shoots the guy in the head.
For most of the scene, she's still like, give it to me.
Give it to me. Like how she's in the throes of. She was in the throes of passion.
It's only at the end where she's just like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Meanwhile, in the room next door, Amber Heard is forcing some dude to like do her nails.
And he also speaks naked while he does it. Yeah. He was naked.
She was fully clothed. Yeah. It was weird. It's so weird film.
There were some weird choices. Yeah.
I will say one of my favorite scenes in terms of just visual and fun scenes is the Winnebago chase when he's like gets out of the warehouse and he's chasing her down.
The woman Amber Heard was fighting gets thrown from the Winnebago.
She like has a gun. She runs out of the middle of the road after Nick had drives by, gets down on one knee, aims, start shooting.
And then one of her cohorts in a car just slams into her.
She just gets pancakes real fast. It was awesome.
But it's super blurry because it's 3D. Yeah, it's so bad. So you don't get to see it.
I watched this movie twice. And by the time the last last thing comes around, I just don't care anymore.
There's there's there's fun generic action like when his car comes like blasting over the wall through the fucking heart of Graham.
Yeah, they're big effigy. Yeah. They've got a big effigy.
And the Bambark. Yeah. Yeah. And just like goes and just a star slams down on a couple of nude cultists.
And then he just starts driving around at this point. I'm just over it.
I'm just like, OK, let's just let's just get to the end.
And I kind of blacked out the end of it altogether. OK.
In the context of this scene, I want to talk about the the God killer because they bring it out.
And, you know, that's their weapon of choice against the accountant trying to get him sent back to hell because that's the only thing that'll do it.
But through, you know, happenstance, the accountant ends up with the gun.
He's got Amber Heard. He's like, Nick Cage, Milton, you got to go out there and like fucking kill everybody.
Do your thing. And Milton's like, why should I do that for you? And he's like, well, no matter what, I win this way.
You have a chance to get what you want to.
So he drives his car out there and he starts slamming into people and in the fight with Jonah, the God killer, you know, comes about and it's, you know, here and there.
They're really for a gun that only has three bullets. They established that before.
They are incredibly fast and loose with how they're going to use those bullets.
Like, yeah, they take one shot in a moving car earlier trying to kill the accountant.
Yeah. But you're in a moving car and you go for a headshot in a one shot kill gun.
Yeah. You could have just shot his car. That probably would have done it.
Yeah. But then we wouldn't have gotten to see the God killer.
That's true. But then, like in this last scene, like Amber Heard tries to shoot somebody. Well, she does shoot somebody.
It has a hell of a kick. So it throws her back. And then Nicholas Cage finally gets it and he uses it to shoot Jonah, Jonah, the Jonah.
And it sucks in the first guy that got killed with it. He like got thrown into a car and then it was a huge explosion.
He gets started with the Winnebago. Yeah.
Yeah. And then when Jonah gets shot with it, he kind of gets lifted up and then there's like a little like black hole behind him.
And then he explodes in the back. And they do a really bad CG like Raiders of the Lost Ark, like skeletonizing.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Terrible. But they had to get that skull so Nick Cage could drink the beer out.
Yeah. And he said that he wouldn't have a beer until he get drinking out of Jonah's skull.
And he does know like beer pouring out of the eye hole and everything.
And then at the end of the film, when he's like going to throw it away, he stops and like pockets it.
Yeah. So he can take it back to hell with him. Yeah. I thought that was kind of cool. I enjoyed that.
I enjoyed like the last the last conversation with him in the account at the end is great.
Nick Cage is talking about how if the devil puts him back in that hole, he'll escape again.
And the accountants like, I'm looking forward to that.
I do like when he does go and meets up with a low rent Steve Austin.
Just like what happened here? It's like this guy kicked my ass and this son of a bitch.
It's like and then just the hands like some bitch weird up and down, like almost cagey performance.
My favorite part about their scene together was definitely when he slammed the handle of the baseball bat through Stone Cold's shoulder and just like pinned him to the wall.
And the guy's like, why is everybody hurting me? That was awesome.
I think my favorite moment with the accountant is after he gets the the God killer shot, you know, pot shot at him.
And then he gets run off a bridge or something. And then these quote unquote teenagers show up.
Well, they're just stoners. Yeah. And to one of them, he's like, I won't see you until you're 73 or something like that.
The other one, he's like, I'll see you in three weeks. Yeah. What does that mean?
No, like he was the best part. Oh, and Nick, you mentioned this earlier.
We didn't really talk about it when we're talking about bad CG.
So the cops are there to kill Milton Piper.
And then the accountant comes in in a hydrogen truck that is the worst CG I've ever seen.
And he like rolls it over some cop cars so Milton Piper can drive underneath it and then it explodes.
But as he's rolling over, he like pops out of he just casually steps out the door onto another vehicle cop car.
The accountant rules. Yeah. He should get a movie.
I was actually thinking about how much better this movie could have been if it had been a team up.
Like if Nicholas Cage escaped, the accountant comes out to get him.
They align goals early on. Those two go forward.
And Amber Heard is trying to get her car back that they stole.
So she's just like crazy white trash lady like chasing my car.
And these two like I mean, she hasn't done anything.
So they're not going to kill her or anything, but she's just a eternal thorn in their side.
That'd be a much better movie and less amber hurt. I'm sure.
I just want to talk real quick about some of the weird reasons that Kate did this movie because there are some fun ones.
The first one and most important one is he got to have his eye shot out in the film. Yeah, which was cool.
He's like he was really obsessed with this idea and was having trying to convince directors to let this be a part in a film for a while.
Oh, man. Can you imagine if he had gotten his eye shot out in Ghost Rider, then like he's got the bullet in his eye.
So then he like Ghost Rider is out. So he's just a skull and shakes the bullet out.
I didn't actually I would have liked that. I just goes.
I didn't write I didn't write down the other movie that he filmed around the same time where he was asking the director to like let him get shot in the eye with an arrow.
So he was just really into this idea.
He signed on to this film because in his first meeting with the director, like within the first paragraph of the pitch was you're going to get your eye shot out.
He's like, I'm in. Also, Nick Cage, his oldest son, contributed the title song Drive Angry, who had been in a couple of black metal bands at this point.
That's cool. Yeah. Nick, did you have a quote?
Oh, I did. It was actually when he got shot in the eye and he's sitting up later when he meets up with Amber Heard again.
And she's like, oh, you're dead. He's just sitting there and he's just like, it's still in there.
I can I can feel it in my head. Yeah, that's a pretty good one.
Same conversation. I'm talking to Amber Heard and he's like, and she's asking like, were you ever really in prison?
Is anything you told me true? And he's ignoring. He's like, oh, you're just going to ignore me. I'm going to try.
I do like also when he's in the diner originally, and he does this a couple of times where he's like coffee black with sugar.
Yeah, they must not have sugar in hell. All right.
So how many cultist beer skulls out of 10 do you rank this one?
Three, six. OK, interesting.
Is that the new rating system for this one?
Cultist beer skulls. I like it.
I guess we've established that it's a 36 on a scale to 100. That's not right.
That's terrible math. Why don't you tell us about stolen?
Stolen. Stolen is a heist film, so it automatically gets four cultist beer skulls out of 10 for me.
How many how many gold ingots does it get?
I love heists. No. So stolen.
Nicolas Cage plays Will Montgomery, renowned jewelry thief slash like Safecracker.
Yeah, he's just a cat burglar. Yeah, but he's got skills.
So there is a good cat burglar.
So in New Orleans, they're staged to rob a jewelry store.
But when the cops show up, they're not in a jewelry store. They're in the bank.
They rob 10 million dollars during their escape. His partner.
They are seen by an old man who the partner wants to kill.
And Will's like, you know, we're not murderers.
And the part is kind of going back to jail.
So Will shoots his partner in the leg.
Russell's gone away from him. He gets shot in the leg.
But so either way, they get separated.
Really fun chase with Will with the money. Will gets cornered.
He drives backwards up a ramp.
Yeah, that doesn't sound exciting at all.
Sorry, guys, he drove backwards up a ramp.
But has to dispose of the 10 mil before he gets arrested.
Eight years later, gets out of prison.
Everyone wants to know where the 10 mil is.
He just wants to see his daughter, goes to see his daughter.
She's mad at him because, you know, he's a loser who spent eight years in jail.
Well, she's 15. Yeah. Right. That also bad.
And you brought her like a dumb teddy bear. It's like, come on, man.
The last time he talked, we're there talking about care bears.
Yeah. But still, I mean, eight years ago, she clearly hasn't come to visit him.
So he doesn't know anything about her. He's just trying to be a nice dad.
Yeah, I get the gesture.
I just feel like you probably could have done some better research.
Yeah. But his ex partner, who everyone thinks is dead, isn't dead,
kidnaps the daughter, throws her in drugs and throws her in the back of a taxi
and is driving around New Orleans with her.
And he's got 12 hours to come up with the 10 mil or else.
Nicolas Cage, Will Montgomery, Mark Valley.
I just want to mention Mark Valley because you don't see Mark Valley that often.
I like Mark Valley. How about Barry Shabaka Henley?
I watched this movie. I got like 30 minutes in and then I had to kind of jump around
because I had other shit going on. Was he just the old man at the bank?
Yeah. OK, cool. OK.
I was saying there's two African-American men in this IMDb.
There is the taxi driver.
Oh, yeah. OK. Bertrand's the taxi driver. So, yeah, Barry Shabaka Henley.
That is one of my favorite scenes. So Will's trying to escape from the cops.
He kidnaps a taxi driver, takes a taxi driver hostage
and uses that taxi driver to try and get the GPS location of Vincent.
The taxi driver is like talking to dispatch and Nicolas Cage has got him at gunpoint,
like feeding him lines. Yeah. And I'm like, I thought this was going to become a buddy comedy at one point.
This also came out in 2012. So like, these movies came out around the same time.
Do you think this was going to be like the new Die Hard 2? Could have been.
I think the only other characters that we didn't really hit on Danny Houston is the FBI agent.
Tim Harland. Which the first time I saw him, I was like, oh, it's Stryker from X-Men.
And then that's who that is. And my favorite character,
just because I always laugh when I see this guy is MC Ganey playing Hoyt, who's their like tech guy.
But I always laugh when I see him because I always think about the movie sideways where you see his penis.
All right. So two dongs in this podcast. Double dong.
You can rate this podcast two dongs out of ten.
It's a weird number for a podcast with three male hosts. But here we are. Two dongs.
Spend some time in a cult. One of them is stumpy.
I'm already invested because I just I love heist movies and I especially love bad heist.
And there's some bad heisting going on in this film and I love it. Yeah.
Vincent wants the money and will hurt the money because he knew if he got caught with the 10 mil, he'd serve more time.
So there is no money. So ultimately, he has to get some of the crew back together to rob the same bank
and getting the gang back to steal the gold that was in the bank eight years ago.
Well, it's twenty seven pounds per brick. It's heavy.
You can't just move it willy nilly. But like it's already on a table, Sean.
What more do you want? The whole plan is to go and steal that gold.
At no point is he ever concerned that maybe it was moved somewhere. Maybe it was just there for holding.
Yeah. Maybe they moved the table 10 feet. That too. That would have been great.
But he like burns through the floor with like like a plasma cutter. Yeah.
I don't know. And then just starts melting the gold to pour down and just into the sewer water to cool.
I know something about metal melting and trying to melt down metal and it's not how it works.
Just burn it. Well, I don't know.
Sometimes with like a plasma torch and stuff and get like slag and stuff.
Oh, man. On construction sites, it's always super cool when they're doing like when the iron workers
and ultimate apes are up there like cutting something with a plasma torch and like the slags falling down.
But you've got puddles and stuff on the lower floor and they don't put up any kind of like safety precautions,
but it'll just hit the ground and just like explode. It's awesome.
OK, so yeah, Vincent is wig the wig he's got.
So he got shot in the legs and now he lost his leg. He's got a persistent cough.
Just his life has not been good. Yeah. Well, it's also funny because he's bitching every time.
He's like, I look so bad. It's like he doesn't look that bad. Yeah.
He just cleaned himself up, but he blames everything on Nick Cage. Yep.
I did have a note that says, honestly, Vincent doesn't look that bad.
Oh, he melted. Oh, yeah.
No, he gets lit on fire, hit by a car shot and still has enough strength to like take a shirt off and fight in the water.
That was weird when he was topless in the in the water fight in the end.
Vincent's ultimate revenge against the cage is when Nick Cage shows up with the money, Vincent like pours a bunch of gas on the car
and like lights the car with Nick Cage's daughter still in it.
They tussle. Nick Cage gets in the car and instead of just trying to pop the trunk,
drives it into the water where it slowly sinks, not to the point where it's submerged.
Yes, it doesn't put the fire out. It's still on fire.
And you see Vincent like walking to the water's edge and then 30 seconds later, Vincent pops out of the water with a tire iron and no shirt.
Yeah, I kind of made a note. I just said world's shittiest Terminator.
Yeah, exactly. I don't know. It's it's a kind of. Yeah, it moves along quickly.
It's got pretty good. It's like 90 minutes. Yeah. Man, does New Orleans infrastructure suck?
So there's a few on foot chase sequences where Nick Cage like jump, like jumps, like a two foot gap from roof to roof and his leg like shoots through the floor.
I mean, in New Orleans and yeah, the buildings are in pretty shitty repair and the infrastructure of that city sucks.
Yeah. So when he went through that, I was just like, yeah, I could see that happening. Dumb choice.
Nick Cage goes to the feds for help. And of course, they don't believe them, but they do believe him because the main fed Harland does think that Will's a good guy.
So they're trying to catch him the entire movie. They know he's trying to rob a bank. They know he did rob the bank.
They have caught him red handed, but he's bleeding out because he's been shot in the gut.
The daughter's like, you're not going to send my dad back to jail. Like why?
Vincent stole the money, even though they have evidence otherwise. Yeah.
And then but at the end of the film, they're still spying on him, trying to catch him with evidence.
I mean, they're still the FBI. Yeah. That last scene, I was kind of dying because the two FBI agents are watching through binoculars and one of those.
Mark Valley's like, you know, keep because Nick Cage finds a chunk of gold still.
It's like, keep the gold so we can arrest you. And Harland's just like, don't do it. Don't do it. Throw it. Throw it.
They're going, don't throw it. And then he goes to throw it. Do it. Stop.
He goes back to the table, talks to his old partner and she's like, well, you can keep it and go back to jail.
And he's like, you're right. Stands back up and throws it in the water. And Harland's like, oh, thank you. Now I can rest.
And it turns out he threw a pine cone in the water and kept the gold. Yeah. Bad detective work, FBI guys.
Yeah. Pine cones float. It was a really big pine cone. And it's a chunk of gold. You'd think that it would look like you threw that.
Yeah, it would be effort. Yeah. A lot of effort to throw at his body.
Because when he has the duffel bag full of gold, he's like, yeah, yeah.
Why didn't he plan for like a furniture dolly? They were in a sewer. It still would have rolled. Yeah.
No, I mean, I mean, we're going to. Yeah. This movie's got some holes. What to plot.
I mean, he put a lot of thought into everything except for. Yeah. Oh, because I'm going to drag a duffel bag.
Eight years planning this heist. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right.
Well, that's OK. If that's our only complaint, I suppose that's fine.
And the only actual police work in this movie when they're trying to figure out where Vincent could maybe like have set up a meeting because he's a taxi driver, they get the records from the taxi company of where he stopped.
Police work. Police work. That's more police work than you see in most Batman movies.
True enough. Yeah. Or most Nick Cage movies. Also true. Yeah.
But how often is he a policeman? More often than not, I think that statement is provably wrong.
Yeah, we have the data more often than not. Well, he's he's not a cop in either of these movies. No, but he is a cop whenever he can be a cop.
You'll be a cop whenever he fucking wants to be a cop.
Shut the fuck up. What's the one where he's a cop in Alaska? Frozen ground.
He was asked to play the serial killer. He said, no, I want to play the cop. There are a lot of cops and usually they shoot first.
Yeah. Fuck the police. As they did in Drive Angry.
It's like now when I tell you to shoot out his tires, what I mean is shoot his head.
So believe me when I tell you shoot out his time.
I just like how he said that to he's like aim for the tires.
I don't know. Do you have a quote for this film, Nick? I do. Oh, God.
I didn't write them down. I just memorized them. So we're going to edit out some silence.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I can't think when you make me think like that. I don't know.
There was a quote in this movie that was pretty decent.
Watch it for yourself. Try and guess and drop down in the comments and tell me what you think my favorite quote was.
All right. Well, my favorite quote was when he finds the IT, the tubby IT guy.
He's got no, you know, got on. He's like, you tell me where she is.
I'll blow your lunch all over this carpet. My favorite quote of the movie.
I don't know if it's a good quote, but it's when he's getting the GPS for Vincent and he's had the taxi driver like call into the cage and dispatcher and kicks the taxi driver out of the car and just just gets on my phone.
It's just like the phone walkie talkie. My brain stopped working.
It's just like, thanks.
And the dispatcher just goes, look here.
You just turned white on me all of a sudden. Who that is?
Who that is?
All right. What would you guys do differently if you were in charge of this heist?
Oh, if I was going to steal all that stuff, I would have brought a dolly.
Simple, easy fix. Yeah. Everything else, tits.
Maybe some silicone molds for the gold to fall into so I could have fun shaped gold bits.
I like that. That's nice versus just the weird lump. Yeah.
Lumps are dumb. Oh, I don't know. Unless they're lady lumps.
So you'd have gold for tits.
Yeah, I think Fergie would approve the initial heist up until the potential murder was pretty well done.
Breaking into the toy store next to the diamond exchange when they were really going to the bank on the next block.
That was pretty sure that was pretty good.
And your anchor gun was kind of cool. And it was cool.
The heist were pretty on pretty great. Yeah, the heist worked out.
Oh, even when Riley's like pickup truck and they're driving away from the gold heist, they get on.
She gets on a ferry like you don't try and rest until they're on Louisiana soil.
Yeah. And she they pull her over and they open the passenger side door and she's just stole a mannequin, a mannequin with a cigarette.
Yeah. Hi, boys. And like they don't arrest her even though, you know, I mean, they don't have anything on her.
I guess if they had looked, they would have found a piece of gold in her like the back of her truck.
And also, like, that doesn't really stop cops from arresting people.
Oh, yeah, they do it pretty willy nilly.
Fucking dicks. I think I had more fun with this film.
I was more engaged by this film. Yeah, it's more engaging.
Drive Angry just kind of suffered from having certain chunks of the movie that they just dragged and it would lose me.
This one, I was able to stay pretty, pretty on point the whole time.
I do like how early in the film when he's trying to avoid the police, he just puts on a mask from a stand.
He's still wearing all the same clothes and they were literally just 15 feet behind him.
Yeah, but that always works because cops are dumb. Yeah, that's true.
He also knocks out Mark Valley and another FBI agent like handcuffs them into an elevator.
It was fun and sent them up to the top floor, which I mean, isn't like that big of a deal because somebody would have called an elevator and it would have.
That was my thing is like, like, probably someone on the next floor needs an elevator.
Yeah, if you're going from like the fourth floor up to the 37th floor, it was like the 67th floor, something like that.
Stupid high number. Somebody would have called an elevator going up, I'm sure.
And it would have automatically pinged to that floor.
But that's a dumb thing to nitpick in a movie where they melted gold with a plasma cutter and dragged it out of a sewer.
Also, who are you going to sell that gold to? I'm assuming they have a fence.
Yeah, you would have to. But you would probably, you know, melt it down and change it up, resmelt it, maybe make a giant golden hammer or Fergie Tits as we discussed.
Fergalicious. In terms of what I'd want to watch again, I'd probably say Stolen.
Yeah, I'd watch this one again, too. I mean, Drive Angry's cage here. Yeah, but it's there's some good cage in this, I feel.
There was something. God, I'm going to I'm going to come back at the top of the next episode with my quote from this movie.
It was pretty decent. You can just send me a audio message or something and I'll just cut it in. It's totally different.
Yeah, that's OK. My my audio is inconsistent from episode to episode anyway.
True enough. Because I don't know how to sit in front of something and sit still.
Oh, also, fun fact, same director as Con Air. They worked together before.
Oh, yeah. I mean, Con Air obviously is a much better movie. Yeah.
Also, I bring down here fun facts. Number one is just I don't I don't think I found it and we'll cut right there.
No. OK, so that's good. I mean, stolen advances.
Yeah. Next week, we are back in the funny bracket.
So we've got Peggy Sue got married and the family man with a guest.
Perhaps we will have a guest. Yeah, we'll see if he can tear himself away from his family from his family.
Yeah, much like much like drive angry this episode kind of ends just all right.
Yeah. Thanks for listening. We love you all, especially our patrons, Josh, Sean, Josie and Rico.
I love three of them. You hate Josie. Yes. Cold. Ice cold. Love you, Josie.
Mission. My hands were incredibly hot.
I was just sitting here getting beat to death by Sean's voice.
I was like, maybe I can do this. Oh, yeah, I can reach it.
Now I am the producer.
Wait, no, I'm not going to do the work. Good. Now I can be talent.
Good luck. I need someone.
Sean has something to say, too. I do.
You were going to apologize, but no, I know it's not heartfelt. Oh, yes. No, I want to apologize for for.
You don't even know.
I things were said about a fellow, Sean, who I don't know.
And for that, I am sorry if he's buttered.
We decided that we can say butter. I can't remember.
Was that on this podcast? I don't remember.
I don't remember much anymore.
The days are just blending together. It's all Nick Cage at this point.
I think the appropriate term is sex worker.