Oh, God. Oh, my God. I mean, there is prickly
pear. It's a good one. That works. That isn't
great. No, they were on sale. I get the sale
ones. We don't get the high end buddies. Why
does it taste a little bit of fart? It depends
on what your flavor is, I suppose. But yeah,
I mean, mine always has more of a like a rotting
pumpkin vibe to it. Yeah. Your farts. I was like,
white peach shouldn't taste like pumpkin. Yeah,
that's weird. This is this is opening up exactly
as I expected. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go around
real quick and just describe our farts. We got
a rotted pumpkin for Peter. Mm hmm. Adam with
a hint of like meat. Oh, yeah. Meat and pumpkin.
Yeah. So some kind of African dish, I'm assuming.
Yeah, it could be that or like there's probably
like a pumpkin and beef ravioli or something
like that. Pumpkin and goat. There you go. Cubed
goat meat. I have to go next. Is that what you
said, Sean? Yeah, that's right, Rob. OK, I do
eat a lot of red beans. So I wouldn't I don't
I wouldn't describe the fart as beanie, but it's
the kind of farts you get from from beans. Yeah.
So prolific, fibrous. It's just got like a rancid
quality to it. And then I have to announce it
in the brewery that like you guys don't just
say it's bean farts. Stay over where you're at.
that's that's reasonable uh mine just smell and
taste like sins this is something something just
isn't a front to god and it's in my ass where
it belongs sean uh i can only describe my worst
farts as being akin to andy muschietti's the
flash that's right this was an intro this is
cage i'm sean here with my co -host I'll give
you that. Weirdly enough, that was better than
most. You actually did segue for once. You know
what? It's taken four years and like, you know,
three episodes left and I finally got there.
Nice work. I'm producer Peter. And we got Adam
back with us. I think this is five, right? This
is the you're the five timer. I think you and
in. daryl are maybe the only five timers oh five
timers let's call them the fist club the fisters
yeah we got our fisters here adam i think if
you host snl five times you get some kind of
jacket or sport coat so uh well we can't afford
that but we can't afford one of you one of you
get the fuck to a good will then buy me a coat
no i'm about to spit on this thing and give you
what you deserve Become the puppet that you are
for us. I don't like that at all. Adam's just
a mouthpiece. You didn't have to make the gesture.
I did have to make the gesture. It's so much
better. Nick and I did it in stereo. It was worth
it. This week, as I alluded to, we are discussing
The Flash, which has the honor of having exactly
zero actual Nicolas Cage in it. was it all cgi
yeah yeah i mean he i guess he had done like
a body scan for it or something body and i guess
mostly face scan and then was originally going
to have lines and then they didn't have him have
lines yeah well nobody really had lines in that
segment so it's weird that they had him do a
face scan only to have it look that bad considering
the cg christopher reeves looked slightly better
eh i mean okay all the cgi stuff in this looks
bad anytime it's in like the time whatever chronosphere
or whatever yeah time dome everything looks like
that like weird rubbery early cgi's yeah i don't
know it's just there's something about the cgi
in this that really bugged the shit out of me
it looks like the uh angley hulk or whatever
yeah oh yeah but even when they had like actors
that they could just like have stills of they
still cg'd them into like these rubbery monstrosities
like when we go through the history when barry's
watching like his new timeline with his mom alive
and it's just like creepy uh creepy rubber mom
don't like it when they had the actress like
she could have just they could have just done
it done acting but no they did make a weird rubber
mom which some people would be really into but
oh rubber mommy I hadn't thought about it that
way. I mean, I can tell that the CGI was bad,
but when you talk about how it felt like it was
going really far back in time, as far as the
CGI, at one point, maybe 30 or 40 minutes in,
I thought this would be better if The Flash was
played by Tobey Maguire because I was thinking
of the original Spider -Man because that's how
it felt to me. And now that I think of it, it's
because it was kind of similar. a similar type
of cgi yeah it's pretty pretty similar look this
uh but only like 20 years after the toby mcguire
spider right yeah exactly but this one they can
say shit and fuck it's true i was i certainly
was the whole movie this this shit is fucked
it took me fuck uh it took me three efforts to
get all the way through it and i finished the
last 30 minutes this morning and it was just
not the way i like morning coffee Yeah, I regret
that this is not the first time I've seen this
movie. I very much recreationally watched it
like a year ago. And then knowing I had to rewatch
it, it was a lot of effort. I did have to split
it up because I fell asleep. Yeah. Uncommon for
me. I tried to watch this film when it came to
streaming because I do love DC comics and I do
particularly love the Flash as a character and
I've always wanted like. a flash movie so i was
like i know all the shit behind it uh ezra miller
like i know it's not getting great reviews i
know it's gonna be a train wreck but i just want
it for the spectacle and i got through the gotham
city scene and i just turned it off i'm like
oh yeah everything everything that isn't ezra
miller isn't the worst thing in the world uh
high point in the first seven minutes ben affleck's
batman getting to batman around for a bit i loved
but all the actual flashing about i was just
like i hate this also i just want to call out
right at the top um the fake out um intro card
when he's like starting to like target for the
run oh yeah and then the fans are like it's the
flash i'm like that should have been cut considering
you know that time he choked out you know A chubby
fan. Yeah, Ezra Miller is definitely a problematic
bit of this thing. So, Oric, you had not watched
a lot of DECU content, right? Ever. I haven't
watched really much of any comic book movies.
I've seen a few. Ooh, this will be great. I've
seen the Tobey Maguire. spider is it spider -man
or spider -man's that's dc no it's marvel i know
i'm just talking about comic book movies in general
oh i i saw just spider -man i saw the christopher
reeve uh superman and i've seen um which ones
all of them i saw the yeah so you're familiar
with going back in time um michael uh michael
keaton as batman and uh the christopher nolan
yeah batmen um because i think he did several
right he did three yeah so yeah so batman or
batman's and batman's i don't know so the thing
the decu of it all you know this like led by
zach snyder you know kind of weird edgy takes
on it or whatever i none of it ever appealed
to me i don't think i've ever gotten through
a single one of them so watching this i was like
ben affleck seems really weird as batman but
i didn't see him play batman i got to see him
as like a basically a five minute cameo in this
and they i did like him as thick batman though
that was pretty nice i like dummy thick batman
i like thick batman too uh i think what was the
uh colloquial version he's like bulldog batman
because he had like the rubbery like bulldog
mask was his batman versus superman was that
his one yeah yeah he was also in was he in the
justice league movies now here's another question
about the character in this one Did they already
beat Zod? I'm assuming they beat Zod in a different
movie, right? That was in one of the Superman
movies. That was the first movie. So that's why
I think this will be interesting. Adam, it's
your job to recap the film for us. And considering
this entire movie relies on having watched all
of the Zack Snyder movies, for it to make any
sense, go. I can't. I mean, I can tell you about
the movie and I can tell you about why it's pretty
bad. But I mean... I remember General Zod from
the Superman universe. Am I recapping or just
telling you what I think? Why don't you recap
and we'll ask you pointed questions that we know
you don't have answers for. I had to look it
up because this opens with Alfred, played by
Jeremy Irons. Wonderful catch. Well done, guys.
What a catch. I did love his Alfred. Yeah. Well,
in the one minute that I got to see him, I thought
he was pretty great. I'm going to call back to
a previous Cage Match episode in which Nick explained
his hope that Jeremy Irons would one day become
disabled and be in a wheelchair. Jeremy Ironsides?
I'm a good person. Just wishing for disabilities
on other people for my amusement. I didn't know
anything about the Justice League, seriously.
And so I was like, wait, who's this guy? And
then it's Alfred. It's like, why is Alfred calling
the Flash? Yeah, apparently Alfred is dispatch.
And then it was like, oh, have you... called
superman or have you called aquaman or have you
called and it was like oh we're getting everything
yeah um they were all literally my first choice
over you and then so he's pissed off the the
flash uh barry allen ezra miller He's pissed
off because he's in a coffee shop trying to order
a bullshit sandwich. He wants the guy to hurry
up and then he has to go change into his suit
and run. He's such a rude little dick. Yeah.
Which one? Both of them, but Barry in particular.
I found him incredibly unlikable. He's hungry.
He had to. So he had to go into Gotham City and
because it was all kinds of shit was going down
and like the fucking hospital was falling into
a sinkhole and shit, which I love the explanation
for that. Falcone's kid decided to get the big
time, got a crew together and stole a virus and
bombed the basement of a hospital. It's never
explained why the hospital's falling down. I'm
assuming Molman. There's just Molman involved.
There's always Molman. He has to leave this coffee
shop while his sandwich is being made and run
to Gotham City. From Star City, right? Central
City, I think he's from. So I looked it up and
it Because it shows him running over mountains
and what I assumed was across Lake Erie. And
I looked it up and it was basically like Central
City is sort of like in Missouri to like New
Jersey or New York or something, which if anybody
has ever driven from Missouri to New Jersey.
Anywhere other than Missouri. Well, you just
you don't cross many mountains. No. You can actively
not go through a lake. And then he saves a bunch
of babies that have fallen out of a window. He
puts one of them in a microwave, which was fucking
awesome. He stuck a baby in a microwave. House
to burrito, stuck a baby in a microwave. They
try and explain that away later because he's
like, you can't move living things. You can move
like, like you could, you could, you could put,
you could put a baby in a microwave and move
the microwave, but you can't move the baby. And
I'm like, what? yeah none of that the the logic
of that makes any sense because later he gets
moved and he barfs all over the place yeah i'm
gonna complain about the logic in this movie
so much today i did research i took notes good
uh right off the top discussing his like hundreds
of mile run to uh another two across several
state lines uh that he did in the course of like
a minute and other times this movie he can run
faster than the speed than anyone can see he
can even just kind of like on her and like pick
up a can of tomatoes and put it in a cart at
a speed that people cannot see but for some reason
when he has to fight he can only run just fast
enough where people can see him and punch him
yeah yeah so the the scene in gotham city is
just this was a 200 million dollar budget and
they probably spent 180 million trying to make
that Sean, I appreciate you calling out how bad
it was because the first note I took in my notes
app for this movie was this is the cyber truck
of opening scenes. And that it looks awful. Yeah,
looks awful and actually is awful. And that it
was like this was clearly made for eight year
olds and dude bros. Yeah, that's it. The CG in
this is so bad. I'd rather watch an episode of
Reboot. And so then he, uh, he runs, he saves
all these babies, takes the one out of the microwave.
After the microwave dings. Yeah. After the microwave
dings. Cause it was still, how was it still?
Yeah. Right. Um, it's been floating through this
guy. And, uh, so then he runs back to Missouri
and gets the, the barista finally has his sandwich
almost ready. And then he gets his sandwich and
like goes to work and, um, where he's habitually
late. yeah fastest man on the he's habitually
late and abused by what's her name sirsha monica
jackson sirsha something jackson the north irish
actress is really good and they make her do an
american accent for for no reason for no reason
so he gets abused by his co -workers a little
bit and then we kind of that's kind of how we
learn the start of his background whereas his
tragic past do we know how long his dad had been
his dad been in prison for like 18 years yeah
since he was like a kid like he got raised by
iris's parents waiting for this i didn't even
gather that part i mean it wasn't really addressed
in the film yeah that's not at all in this film
like because they only knew each other from college
in this film him and iris yeah right okay and
then yeah so his dad's played by ron livingston
also like this movie was like got a banging cast
absolutely um All the Batmans. And so that's
kind of how we learn. Except for Christian Bale.
That's kind of how we learn sort of his motivation,
which is similar to Batman. Mom died. Now I'm
angry. It's like everybody's parents died. Yeah.
But his dad got blamed for the murder. But his
dad gets blamed for the murder. And he was helping
exonerate his dad. Where does this bring us to?
We see the murder scene. We see like him as maybe
a seven or eight year old complaining about homework
and how sweet his mom was. Yeah. And then some
rando came in and kills her. So then Barry gets
sad and runs real fast. Yeah, he runs away. And
he's been running ever since. And that's the
end of the movie. But then now we go back to
present. He figures out that he can time travel.
if he runs fast enough faster than time um what
what did they call it the the time flow the chronosphere
is it really called the chronosphere i think
that's what they called it he called it in the
movie i mean the speed force is what he uses
to like run okay yeah that that's what gave him
his power what first off i hate the whole effect
of him running in slow -mo but the world like
speeding by him i think that his running looks
real dumb especially as stupid like speed skating
like maneuver he does i hate it so much it sucks
i did appreciate that heather barry allen doesn't
just runs like a spaz doesn't have his stupid
like speed run um so he tries to go back in time
all notes on this one movie i mean they're not
like notes in a good way these are ways that
my brain can remember a movie that i'm like i
don't like any of this wow you have so much written
down well yeah i do it as i watch it so also
i just want to let people know this was a two
and a half hour movie it's a lot of movie god
it was so long and it feels every minute of it
yeah it was really tough buckle up we're 10 minutes
in there's so many times about a guy who runs
real fast this movie moves at a snail's pace
yeah there were there were so many times there's
i mean it had to have been 15 or 18 times i paused
it to see how much i had left it was like oh
god god how have i only been watching this for
28 minutes that's when i stopped it the first
time and then i remembered that i can watch it
at two speed i i i got through 35 and went and
walked two miles like i just got to listen to
music or do something else so We learn in the
death scene that his mom was making dinner, had
forgotten a can of tomatoes. Dad has to go back
to the store for a can of tomatoes. And that's
when the break -in and stabbing happens. So when
Barry Allen realizes he can manipulate time,
he's, I'll just go back to that day. He shuffles
through the store. furious speed so nobody can
see him puts a can of tomatoes in his mom's shopping
cart on that day and then tries to move forward
in time but what what happens when he gets punched
out of the time yeah out of the chronosphere
yeah yeah and so he ends up uh he ends up back
on september 29th i think of 2013 yeah the the
the exact day that he got his powers and so he
very irresponsibly went into his own home to
hang out with his parents, talk to his mom. We
got to pause for a second. He thought he was
back in his own time. He didn't realize he was
in the past. Oh, that's a good point. He didn't
think he was in his own time. But the thing that
really... Okay, so he's in his flash suit, right?
Yeah, right. But they established that the flash
suit can get unsuited and he'd just have clothes.
But instead, he goes and he steals two old people's
clothes who are presumably just like... naked
on the street i don't think i don't think this
clothes goes over suit because he has to change
into them i think he's just raw dog so anytime
he has to get into his suit he just leaves his
clothes in a little pile somewhere yeah he's
just like there's just one person getting raptured
everywhere everywhere he's like damn there's
another one folded yeah i don't think barry's
neatly folding i mean honestly again at his speed
he could run home hang his clothes come back
catch the suit yeah yeah right so he um he's
having dinner with his parents and then he sees
his freshman in college self walking up and he
goes out and like sort of instigates a fight
with him with himself and then talks to himself
they lock they lock the underwear on his head
yeah they lock themselves in their bedroom and
then he realizes that oh this is the day i get
my powers, we have to go do this. And I loved
the fact that he got his powers by being struck
by lightning while hit with chemicals. A bunch
of unnamed chemicals. That is canonically how
the Flash gets his powers, yes. Why is it always
chemicals though? Like the Joker, chemicals.
Like Clayface. Chemicals. Cosmetic chemicals.
Was it Two -Face also? Two -Face, probably chemicals.
yeah yeah that's a chemical chemical yeah the
flash chemicals two -faced didn't get powers
from his chemical burns he got the power of dual
thought people out but so They go to. Probability.
They go to the place. The power of probability.
The power of 50 -50. So he takes himself to the
place where the chemical room where he was struck
by lightning and kind of forces him. But they
both get struck by lightning and. It goes through
him. Young. Yeah. Young self gets powers and
old self. Doofy Berry has powers now. And old
self loses his powers. How how interesting is
it to get to watch a Flash movie where the Flash
for 70 percent of the film doesn't have his powers?
Well, a Flash has their right. Not a good Flash.
Yeah. Well, actually, that's the thing. So, like,
I hated Barry Allen and then I met Doofy Barry
Allen. I'm like, I kind of like that dipshit.
Like, he's such a moron. I fucking hated his
laugh. Oh, his laugh is terrible. Don't get me
wrong. But like that guy, at least I was like,
yeah. I was 18. I know what that's like. Barry's
just a rude dick. Yeah. Yeah. No, the characterization
of Barry in this sucks. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair,
his life kind of sucked. Fair enough. I mean,
and that's the thing is like maybe I would have
benefited from one knowing anything about the
Flash storyline or two having watched any of
the other DECU stuff that Flash was in. But like,
they'd fuck. No, they do address it in the script,
though, that he's a very unlikable human. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, also, They did with this what they
did with the fucking Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern
movies. Like we're going to take a character
who is largely fairly straight laced and just
turn him into kind of like a goofish jokester.
Like we're going to just try and make him quippy
rather than like an actual like character who
is for all intents and purposes, probably kind
of boring with just cool powers. Yeah, that's
fair. This isn't like this isn't my Barry Allen
or any Barry Allen I would care about. Like the
Flash TV show was had a solid two season run
before it got real bad. The 90s Flash was a lot
of fun. And again, just kind of like very straightforward,
straightforward fella with a cool muscle suit.
Yeah. Both versions of the Flash and Mark Hamill
is the trickster. Oh, interesting. Now, my favorite
moment in this movie is when Barry has lost his
powers and he attempts to run in that lobby.
He looks like a person who has never run ever,
ever, ever in life. And it's just like, do you
just wing your arms around? Is this how it goes?
My favorite. My favorite scene was the first
time I saw the suit. It was just like flaccid
corpse. Like a little mask suit popping out of
a ring. So the suit, when it comes into contact
with air, expands. So there are just like a bunch
of loose flash suits out there. It's not folded.
It's like a molecular expansion. So it's not
getting put back in the ring. Maybe the ring
has some kind of like... Dyson powers that just
suck it down. Now, here's a follow -up question.
In which case, I would like one of these rings
for reasons. For reasons. So, here's a question,
though. Like, he's got this ring that the suit
exists in and it's magic expando suit powers
or whatever, like you're talking about, Sean.
Where the fuck did the ring come from? His powers
came from chemicals and lightning. I wondered
the same thing. Where did he get the goddamn
ring? I'm assuming Batman, but they never explain
it. I thought the same thing. Wonder Woman compliments
his new suit. um that's true i know a lot of
people didn't like the um justice league suit
where it was like made out of like space age
polymers and actually looked like you know something
that you would shoot through the atmosphere i
thought that was pretty solid i thought that
like looked pretty good but i guess they needed
i like the expando ring i like the comic accurate
shit in it because i love the flash so i didn't
hate it but the suit's weird looking yeah Also,
apparently a young Barry Allen has a bigger dick
than an old Barry Allen. Apparently growing up
with a mom gives you a big old dick. I mean,
Barry's mom gave me a big old dick. Mom boners.
Getting back to the rubber mom of it all. Getting
back to the script. Where did we leave off? Where
do we? Yeah, we do. You made me watch this movie
and you made me come over here and talk about
it. We've got new Doofy Barry with with powers.
Yeah. He like burns the city down real quick.
And then they're like, fuck, we got to go find
Batman. I go find Batman. Yeah. But before that,
they hang out with Barry's roommates. Right.
Which was again, what's her name from Dairy Girls?
Right. How does how does Barry realize that the
timeline's fucked? a tattoo on the calf of some
guy in whitey tighties yeah they just keep talking
about uh back to the future eric stoltz yeah
eric stoltz marty mcfly it's like it's like eric
stoltz was art back to the future how do you
explain marty mcthigh like because it's a tattoo
of eric stoltz marty mcfly on dude's calf And
it's upside down. That was my favorite joke in
the movie. Yeah, but the way he makes it right
side up is so good. It's very good. Right. So
then they go find Batman and Batman is now Michael
Keaton, which was real scrubby. Yeah, kind of
hot, though. He's got like some real Lebowski
energy going. I thought I thought that was a
great script choice. It was like he was just
like an angry, retired Batman. Just like he did
the same voice that he used in Beetlejuice. He's
just like, yeah, I don't know, kid. And it was
I loved I loved Michael Keaton in this movie.
It's one of the few things I really enjoyed about
it. Absolutely. I really appreciate there's a
sequence where Barry is trying to like. google
like the justice league trying to like track
down aquaman track down wonder woman seeing if
he can like google anyone and like none of the
heroes exist in this world and he's like oh if
i can only talk to batman and then everyone in
the room just goes i'm batman yeah i thought
that was so batman exists and he still has the
same shtick some things are universal you know
yeah so then dead michael keaton was able to
explain how timelines work and where they overlap
and what it all means etc spaghetti yeah with
spaghetti that he happened to be cooking anyway
right convenient breakfast spaghetti it was a
breakfast for one lonely old man i understand
it you have breakfast spaghetti but i would like
it's it just seems rather convenient i would
have preferred it if he was like trying to explain
the timeline to barry and he's like you know
what this will work better with spaghetti and
then he actually makes spaghetti yeah did they
address why there's no alfred i'm assuming he's
just well he died uh i'm assuming he's just dead
yeah i was gonna say did he die in the old yeah
so right yeah and alfred's canonically older
his alfred was very old and that was the thing
with um batman and robin was like alfred was
dying and like that's why alicia silverstone
got brought in to like oh that's right start
butlin and and and then put on those chris o'donnell's
badass laundry oh man i fucking love batman and
robin that's such a good one batman and robin
and batman forever those are my batmans those
are really quality fuck all other batmans i have
never watched all of that and i'm robin every
time i start watching it i'm like no that's one
of those early movies in my like in my life where
i was just like wait people like people actually
take time to make bad films you have seen you
have seen the tough guy laundry scene though
right oh yeah i've seen batman forever i love
batman forever oh is that batman forever that
wasn't batman forever no because batman forever
is where he gets where he meets robin where bruce
wayne adopts a 26 year old man yeah that's how
it goes like you do Sometimes you just need a
new dad, man. Get a new daddy. We got to go faster
on this shit. Canonically in those Batman movies,
it is Alfred who makes those costumes. Yeah,
right. Alfred is responsible for the nipples
on the Batsuit and Robin's giant codpiece. Alfred
was just sitting there thinking, you know what
Bruce needs? nipples what would really strike
fear into the hearts of the criminals of gotham
a bat with nipples actually that is kind of terrifying
if you think about it you just had like big old
like erasers just sticking out and like you're
trying to fight him and like you punch it it's
just like the nipples and he grabs you and like
a nipple just across the face and it's like god
you fucking stop it Trying to have a serious
crime career. And you're making it mean nothing
with your stupid fucking bat nipples in my ears
and my eyes just poking me all over. Batman's
just doing this a lot. Put him on the glass,
Batman. Maybe the end of The Flash would have...
been quicker with the fight against generals.
They're getting more bat nipples. Yeah, which
is one of those nipples of worms its way through
Zod's little 4C mask. It's like, Earth sucks,
I'm leaving. I don't need this planet. Everyone's
got big fake nipples on them. so yeah we finally
get to batman who doesn't want to help because
oh sean doesn't want to talk about bat nipples
for once his so also his reasoning for no his
reasoning for no longer batmanning is gotham
safe like gotham's the safest city in america
there's no need for a batman so he's not even
an embittered old batman he's just like comfortably
retired so the reason for like why the timeline
is completely different even though it's just
barry's mom and why batman is older an older
man now is because when you affect the time stream
it doesn't just make a branch it just completely
spaghettifies the universe so you're fucking
with both the past and the future yeah which
is some real comic book logic and then you get
the spaghetti multiverse yep so they have to
save superman the spaghetti but first they have
but first they break into the bat weapons vault
is that that's part of that's part of like the
in the flash universe like he he can yeah he
can phase vibrate through things he can vibrate
his molecules at a speed that is like that can
go between other molecules the flash has all
the powers i did i mean that is that is actually
pretty fucking tight um i did like when he first
uses that skill to go like get beer for iris
oh yeah he cracks it and the beer just explodes
everywhere it's like oh right you hyper vibrated
that beer yep classic Oh, we did miss the reason
he's going to get Batman is because Zod has invaded.
Right. Oh, yeah. Zod's back. Oh, yeah. He's trying
to. Because previously killed in a Superman.
Which, yeah, because that was the original Man
of Steel, which started off this universe. And
they don't really bother to set it up. This movie
makes no sense if you haven't actually watched
these films. Yeah. Does not in any way stand
up as a like standalone solo movie. I'm unlikely
to put. the entire library together for myself.
So I will never watch one of them. Yeah, I did.
Like when Wonder Woman was there and she used
her Lariat of Truth and Barry was like, I know
what sex is, but I've never had it. Yeah, it's
like we know, buddy. I had I didn't know what
the Lariat of Truth was. So when they just started
talking, I was like, well, what the fuck is this?
I do appreciate like when she like she's like,
she tells Batman good job. He's like, I'm too
proud to admit that I needed help. what yeah
yeah he's like if i really just like why are
you going on like if i would have just like if
i really wanted to like solve crime i'd like
solve poverty and just give away all my money
but i won't because i'm a millionaire fuck thank
god i'm out of that lariat it's like i am like
i have parental issues and the criminal's like
i do too this is this is the point right in the
movie Which Bruce Wayne decides to take the berries
to Russia. Correct. Yeah, because in this version,
Superman never crash landed in Kansas and was
intercepted. So Superman's cousin, Kara, landed
in Russia, apparently. Yeah. And then got put
into some sort of magic cage. Oh, because there's
no sun. Yeah. They get power from the yellow
sun. Right. I... Just remembered seeing a review
of that scene where they break her out and it's
like no Russian accent. You speak in an American
accent. Well, all the Kryptonians spoke English,
but also actually in the community college. They
did a summer abroad in Toledo. Since this movie
requires you to actually have watched these films.
for this story to make any sense um it's not
the yellow sun in the snyder universe it it's
partially the yellow sun but it's also they establish
uh the gravity on earth compared to krypton is
less um that the oxygen is um denser or lighter
either way it's like it's the atmosphere that
gives uh her her powers and existing on earth
should be what gives her powers not just the
yellow sun so she should have already been kicking
ass and taking names from the jump Also, the
Kryptonians should have been able to do all that
shit because they didn't get their powers till
they took off their breathing apparatuses and
they all had them on there because they needed
to like cover up the shitty CG of Michael Shannon's
face. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, there's very
little that makes the Kryptonian power set make
sense. It's like, why can he travel to space
then? Why can they go to other planets and soup
up? It's like, I don't know. Supergirl, the new
Supergirl kind of talks about that a bit. I have
not had a chance to see that yet. I do want to,
but it's pretty good. I really liked it. I feel
like it's enjoyable and I feel like it got kind
of shit on. Well, anytime there's a female lead
movie, it's going to get shit on. I mean, if
they would just smile on the poster. That's true.
It does help. You're going to keep that in, right?
I am actually going to keep that in. I mean,
it's true. That's the discourse. Everyone's all
fucking pissy about it. Everybody bitches. It's
like, why can't they just smile? Why are they
so serious? If you just had a grinning Superman,
you'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, right. Is
that a sociopath? What is that? I feel like it's
worth pointing out at this point in the film.
We're about halfway through the film at this
point when they get to Supergirl. And it is.
at this point there are like nobody is a character
no everyone's just kind of like exists in this
world to push like the plot forward but that
nobody except for like maybe barry nobody has
an arc they're like we don't have a central villain
for this film like zod's there but he's more
just there as like a threat but like there's
no antagonist in this movie The main villain
from my point of view, from my point of view,
is... The Jedi? The Jedi were the villains all
along? Yeah. The Snyderverse. Yeah. Zack Snyder
was really the main antagonist for me when I
watched this. And slow motion. Slow motion for
sure. I also really didn't like that barista
who was a dick. Yeah, if he had just made that
sandwich faster. Just a little bit. I thought
about that at the at the end of the movie, Sean,
that the whole arc of the story was basically
just that the Flash can time travel. Yeah, but
and then just other stuff happened. But like
that. So we have Batman there. We have Michael
Keaton as Batman for the first time in 20 plus
years. And he is literally just there to be there,
ride and like say lines from the old Batman movie.
He does kick some ass, some Russian ass. But
again, he's not a character. He doesn't have
an arc. Nobody in this film is a character. They
introduce Kara Zor -El, and she shows up, and
I was sent here to watch after my cousin Kal
-El. End of character development. Yeah, but
he never made it. My cousin died. Now I'm angry
version. That's the arc. I can't imagine why
they canceled her solo. And even the huge fight
scene to end it all. It was like they necessarily
had to lose. There's no. And then then they go
back to their own timelines. And then George
Clooney is Batman. So we're not in the same time.
It's just. Right. I did appreciate that. We'll
touch. We'll touch that one in a little bit.
But like, OK, so I wouldn't. Gross. So they rescue
Supergirl, I guess. Supergirl, right? And she
seems like badass, but also weak, like often
needs to take a little break. Yeah, I don't know.
It's a it's a weird thing to have in that time.
Nope. Of the movie. She needs a break. Maybe
they should have put an intermission in this
long fucking movie. They should have. So. They
try and get Barry his powers back by zapping
him with fucking lightning and chemicals. Oh,
yeah. Yeah, right. Let's just use chemicals.
Catholic spritzer throws some chemicals on you
and then we'll hit you with lightning. Like this
is Frankenstein. So the original Flashpoint Paradox
comic, Barry gets back to his own time in the
world's all fucked. The actual plot of the comic
is the Amazonians and the Atlanteans are going
to war and it's going to like wipe out. everyone
on earth so like barry teams up with um thomas
wayne batman but there's a point that thing where
he's just like we need to get a bunch of chemicals
and get a big old lightning rod and shock me
to get me my powers back I mean, the thing that
just boggles my mind about this is, like, this
loose chemicals concept. Yeah, right? Does he
know the chemicals? Did he know them? Does he
know the exact measurements of them all? Which
ones hit him where? Because in the lab, they're
in, like, fucking beakers. In Batman's lab, they're
in, like, the big, like, they look like buzzball
biggies. Like, I don't even know. I don't know
any of this. A buzzball biggie will get you moving
pretty quick. It will, it will. And why did they
have to? lock him in like it was an electric
oh yeah he's all manacled onto it and then the
super i did love the super dramatic scene though
where it didn't work And so Supergirl, like,
unclips him from the electric chair and just
takes him up into the sky. To electrocute him
again. To electrocute him a bunch. But she didn't
have any chemicals. Yeah. The chemicals were
the chemicals inside of us. Yeah, they banged.
Sky banged. Oh, God. Okay, so he gets his powers
back. Then they go and fight Zod. Yeah, but,
oh, it's, yes, they go and fight Zod. But before
we get to that. I need to know. I wasn't able
to, with the copy you sent me, I wasn't able
to put closed captioning on. So when he builds.
The copy I sent you, don't worry about that.
The DVD that had subtitles. So how do we differentiate
between Old Barry, Young Barry? 2013 Barry and
Dick Barry. Okay, so when freshman Barry. Baby
Barry. He built his he built his flash suit out
of a Batman suit and then was like, ask Dick
Berry. What do you think? And I think he said
it. It beefs. Yeah. Because earlier, 2013, Berry
had said it beefs about something. And older
Dick Berry was like. He just keeps saying Dick
Berry. I can say it as many times as I need to,
Nick. Older Dick Berry is like... Beefs? Beefs?
I was... Beef! Beef! just you need to splice
it every time one of us says beep you need to
splice in daryl this is the closest i've gotten
nick to laughing like me at that fucking mom
and dad episode this is the combos conversation
oh my god um so i was like why because i'm so
having again not seen this movie before i've
only seen like stills of the bat berry suit and
i was always like why did he like they're under
time pressure why is he like painting the bat
suit to look like this it doesn't matter but
then you realize it's what i realized it was
like freshman berry i'm just like yeah he's a
he's a he's a goofus he would he would want to
be on brand I did kind of laugh, though, when
it's like him whipping, you know, zipping around,
paint everything. And then all of a sudden it's
just like slow -mo, like cutting the little ears
off the bad cowl. I also do love when they're
in the jet talking to each other, getting ready
to run. And he turns his head. And his head just
turns in the cowl. It doesn't turn. It's just
that stupid face. there were some moments that
did make me laugh in this movie yeah i definitely
had some funny times but i mean this movie has
i will say okay i do want to say we're bagging
on this movie i do want to say there is this
movie does have its moments it does have some
solid jokes it does have some charm to it um
after having watched it i am so this same director
is supposed to be handling the next batman movie
outside of the batman but for like james guns
um interesting dcu which as a direct like in
terms of like action comedy and just like general
ability to like script script aside scripts terrible
but like the director's ability to like frame
action and like have entertaining interactions
and characters especially given again an amazing
bat sequence with uh ben affleck like gaining
behind cars and like doing some like comic accurate
batman stuff i don't hate the idea as long as
he's not writing the script yeah no i could see
how this director teamed up with james gunn could
make something fun and enjoyable uh one of the
things i had to point out to josie was like this
the soundtrack for this movie fucking sucks i
couldn't even tell you a single thing about it
other than 25 or six to four yeah it is an hour
and a half of just like bland score uh before
you get a modern song it's like was it the raconteurs
he uh during like the fight yeah it was like
a raconteur there was something uh jack whitish
uh or well it was a jack white song but uh Why
didn't we have something like that in like the
hospital dropping scene? That perfect place to
add in a modern, fun song. And that's a James
Gunn element that will improve. It just kind
of needs that collaboration, I feel like. But
an hour and a half for boring ass score like
this was just scored. through like exciting things
and it's like the score sucks and the only time
the score even like vaguely hit me was when it
was the fucking danny elf yeah exactly and it's
danny elfman right and if it wasn't exactly his
it was the tribute to yeah you know yeah i i
agree with you it's like those are the big misses
on this thing it's like it just doesn't have
any fucking heart yeah yeah But I can see through
the director. Yeah, let's let's get let's get
to the end of this fucking movie. And then we
can talk because like part of it, you know, talking
about script is because this thing has been in
it was in production forever. Right. It got covid
fucked. It got Ezra Miller fucked. Like everything
about it was sort of cursed. So we can we'll
hit on that at the end. But they fight Zod and
suck and lose. Everybody lose every time until
Barry kind of realizes like, oh, this is an inevitable.
event and so like we're always gonna lose we
have to stop we have to like we can't do this
i have to unfuck the fucking they lose and go
back in time and lose and go back in time and
lose and go back in time i have to unfuck my
mom because like young barry yeah young barry
keeps going over and over again and then at the
two hour mark at the two hour mark we are introduced
to the actual villain of the piece the guy who
knocked barry out of the chronosphere in the
first place which is spiky barry which is spiky
barry which is young which is freshman barry
who's been doing this so long that he's now an
old man this is one of those things about time
time stories that just always drives me crazy
and like i hate it and i know that's how it has
to be but it's like time barry spiky barry had
to punch dick barry out of the chronosphere so
he could create 2013 doofus berry powerful berry
yeah and then because otherwise he doesn't exist
so like it's oh god it just it makes me so annoyed
everything about it appreciate i do appreciate
though that the movie actually acknowledges that
because spiky berry is just like it's the paradox
is like i created you to create so you could
create me to create me so right the only way
to stop this is for you to stop off for to like
go back and like undo everything but i don't
want you to You gotta unfuck your mom, Barry.
The actor that played old Spiky Barry. Please
continue. The actor that played old Spiky Barry.
I wasn't trying to make a joke. I just realized
how funny it is to say old Spiky Barry. Can it
be Dick Barry and Dingleberry? Do we know? I
felt like I recognized it was like Billy. i couldn't
figure out who it was and he's not credited as
anybody so then i'm like did they age makeup
fucking it's probably just all more cg everything
in this movie is just fucking cg and it all looks
bad oh my god so i do want to talk about the
bad cg because uh uh the director to defend how
awful the cg looked he just tried he tried to
say that it was intentional because that's how
things would be look at moving at that speed
Oh, shut the fuck up. It was dumb. $200 million
budget and it all just sweeps Ezra Miller's bullshit
under the rug to make the movie. That's such
a dumbass thing. Well, if you guys could run
this fucking fast, you'd know what it looks like.
Yeah, the whole time, the whole movie, I thought
this would be really fun if this was made with
2006 Jake Long. Yeah! yeah all right right i
mean i'd enjoy it more let's let's get to the
end we're finally at the point we're finally
at the point of this movie uh that actually has
anything to do with this fucking podcast yeah
right so the multiverse is collapsing the the
the crunching the crunching of the spheres right
yeah apparently uh all the um alternate timelines
are different like giant zoetropes why didn't
they make it spaghetti like right fucking make
it long tubes seriously i when when that scene
was happening i my first thought was that they
were collapsing the solar system and that planets
were coming in and i had no idea what the universe's
timelines whatever it would be cool if everything
was presented in like a mobile for a very stupid
child brain exactly and me at this point yeah
uh but yeah sean so you're right so you've got
these zoetropes like colliding into each other
and you get this montage of cgi characters from
dc cgi and it's so bad and like i know it's meant
to honor but we get christopher reeves and super
we get christopher's uh superman and the supergirl
from that universe um which we don't remember
obviously we absolutely ignore that henry cavill
was superman ever right oh well okay i think
they give him like a silhouette or whatever but
you see you see him flying around when um alfred
says that superman's solving a volcano thing
yeah um oh that's right right i hope he had his
mustache yeah oh yeah um we get a saw we get
uh adam west batman uh universe uh we get the
original tv superman i remember there was a bit
of like a to -do with that too because that actor
was like deeply unhappy hated the character and
uh was dean in this no uh the original, like,
serial Superman from, like, the 40s, hated the
role, so was recreated in CG to honor Superman,
but the actor actively hated the role and famously
shot himself in the face. Not very Superman of
him. This movie wouldn't have been worse with
Dean Cain. Oh, God, that's the weirdest critique
of this that is accurate. Dean Cain, a total
piece of shit, would not have made this movie
worse. He got fired from the CW Cain. Yeah, exactly.
All right. Let's let's wrap up how this script.
Well, OK, so this is the whole thing that you
see. Nick Cage is Superman. It's his like it's
the Tim Burton, Tim Burton, weird power suit
that he has where he's got all these muscles,
which really he doesn't. And sweet hair and like
it's wild that they were going to have him have
that hair. sternum bush superman i still don't
understand sean what yeah the the sternum bush
peeking out of the superman suit is just why
is it cut just low enough like that's so weird
and what did what did he fight like a giant spider
like a an animatronic spider yes yes i think
it was demon spider here's the thing the producer
of superman lives which was going to be the nick
cage of man directed by we're going to talk about
this next next i know but just for context i
mean But the whole premise was the producer had
a huge hard -on for giant robot spiders. So Kevin
Smith wrote Superman Lives. Oh, this is the Wild
West guy, isn't it? It is the Wild Wild West.
Yeah, I was wondering about that. So Kevin Smith
wrote Superman Lives and was forced to put in
a giant robot spider because this producer had
a fucking mad -on for giant robot spiders. This
movie fell through, and then he was producing
another film starring... will smith and he's
like put a giant robot spider in that and they're
like this is a western he's like i don't give
a fuck put a giant robot spider in it and that's
where there's a giant robot steampunk spider
in wild wild west yep all right because superman
lives uh failed yeah and we'll talk more about
that soon yeah i can't wait to hear about the
hair and hopefully a reason for the hair there's
gonna be so much that we're gonna dive into kevin
smith uh used to always tell that story at conventions
so like i've heard it a couple times okay i can't
wait this will be fun i mean that had to have
been a wig in those like screen tests that wasn't
nick cage's hair so yeah that's what superman
was gonna look like this was the era of mullet
superman though so yeah fair enough like legitimately
like superman had a mullet yeah oh yeah uh superman
had a mullet and um and clark kent had a ponytail
i kind of remember ponytail yeah So, yeah, Cage,
when interviewed about this, there are two things
that I thought were interesting. So the first
one, he said, well, I was glad I didn't blink
because it was incredibly fast. You barely know
it's him in there until they kind of he blasts
the spider. And then it's sort of this like majestic
rising up sort of a thing. But then this is the
one that I thought was really weird. He said,
if you really wanted to know what I was going
to do with that character, look at my performance
in City of Angels. Hmm. It was like, what? I
was supposed to play Clark Kent after that in
Superman Lives, and I was already developing
that alien otherness playing this angel. That's
the perfect example of tonality you would have
gotten for Kal -El. It's like, okay, what? Well,
when interviewed about this years later, Tim
Burton was interviewed by Howard Stern, and Howard
Stern was like, you're going to have Nick Cage
play Superman. It's like, why Nick Cage? And
Tim Burton's answer is like, because the man's
a fucking alien. So they were going to go weird
with it. like that was the point i mean it makes
sense to me i shared a photo of but mulleted
superman in the chat it's good yeah yeah we were
just looking at it okay yeah so all right you
see all these universes colliding timelines colliding
and then barry okay dingleberry Dingleberry and
Dickberry. Nick, that's the funniest thing you've
said in four years. It was a good one. Dingleberry
is such a good joke. I'm so glad that we had
such low -hanging fruit for me to just latch
on to. So Dingleberry and Dickberry fight each
other, and then Teen Doofusberry kind of gets
in the way, but then also somehow lets himself
get killed. And then he dies, which then makes...
dingleberry disintegrate which i've always thought
was a weird thing like wouldn't you just blip
out of existence like why would you final fantasy
like you know it doesn't make any sense so anyway
he disappears berry dickberry gets back to fix
the original timeline but still changes it a
little after he has a really creepy hug with
his mom as a stranger in a grocery store crying
and wearing clothes that still have all the tags
on them that she never questions it actually
took me a minute to be like how could she not
recognize him because it's like oh right because
her version of him he's seven still a child yeah
and i i'm not i'm not ashamed to admit this scene
as bad and dumb as it is if i could hug my mom
again as someone who had it as someone whose
mom died when i was a child that scene actually
got me because i'm like yeah that would that
would be fucking rad to be able to hug my mom
again That's fair. It's a bad scene. So this
is very personal. But it's still it's still it
hits the emotion for certain people. Right. And,
you know, I get like we be watching fucking Finding
Nemo. But, you know, for some reason, that one
didn't do it for me as much, but mostly because
I just don't like Barry Allen in this movie.
I just I'm like, fuck that guy. Yeah. So anyway,
you did this, Barry. Yeah. He puts the fucking
tomato sauce on the top shelf. So. uses the speed
force to like rearrange a grocery shelf whole
grocery shelf and the asshole somebody gets paid
for that again it goes to where his power is
so where his powers are so inconsistent because
he can either run faster than people can see
or he can't yeah so like when his mom goes to
like kind of touch his cheek he activates the
speed force and then like can like slowly move
around her say his goodbyes put the can back
like i know what's happening in like a millionth
of a second but it's just like also everything's
electrocuted whenever he like uses the power
right oh yeah he doesn't have a suit on so how
is he discharging all of this energy oh sick
Fucking lightning whack. So I will say. Busting
bolts all over the place. Busting bolts. At the
beginning of the film, like Bruce gets gets very
like footage of. the grocery store but he never
looks up at the camera because the tomatoes are
on the bottom shelf so barry put them on the
top shelf but it doesn't fuck with the timeline
because they did establish that the footage was
corrupted and it was wayne tech that cleaned
it up that's right that's right the timeline
of the dad being in jail it didn't change anything
until barry's present day that's how they get
around it mostly there's one because then they
have the george clooney of it all where it ends
with you know him getting a call from fucking
his buddy bruce wayne and then it's george clooney
who shows up and he says who the fuck are you
yeah i appreciate i did appreciate that but and
that's it and that's the end of the movie i always
took that at the time i just took that as very
much of a like they knew ezra miller was done
and they're like how do we kind of like keep
going on with our universe without a flash or
recast a flash is uh ezra miller fucks with a
timeline where he's now trapped in the george
clooney universe okay yeah and then the real
trick of it all was that you have zach snyder
in charge of everything and the way you can blank
it all and start fresh is you just don't use
him as your main creative lead and you start
over with everything yeah Spaghetti. Mom's spaghetti.
Before we move on to other things, did anybody
get all the way through the credits and see the
end scene? Never. There was an end scene. There
was an end scene. What was it? Bus bolts? Jason
Momoa as Aquaman, but except they're just like
out on the street, is fucking wasted. And Barry's
trying to explain a multiverse to him. And he
just like passes out in a puddle face down and
was like, I live here now. okay i might go watch
that okay how do you guys usually wrap this up
quotes and me bitching about some things so actually
yeah i mean because we are actually running a
little low on time um let's let's do a couple
quotes from it i already said my quote uh how
do you explain uh marty mcthigh um i have well
i already i already dressed it beefs um in the
opening scene When he sees all the babies fall
out the window and Alfred's like, hey, there's
a baby. And then it cuts to Barry and he's looking
up and there's like nine babies and he goes,
shower. And I have I have one more very quickly
when when they decide after he'd been electrocuted
35 times, sometimes with chemicals, sometimes
not. but sometimes wet sometimes dry um we got
to get wet to stay wet man prevailing wisdom
that's when supergirl and and the berries are
like we're gonna go do this we're gonna go fight
zod she's like i'll fight zod and then michael
keaton shows up in a full batman suit and is
like and he's like, are you going to go with
us? And Michael Keaton's already in a Batman
suit. And then he does it. I'm not going to do
it great, but I'm going to try my very best to
do the way he talks like he's in Beetlejuice.
And he said, you want to get nuts? Let's get
nuts. Yeah, the let's get nuts really got ourselves.
Again, his whole role in this movie was just
to quote lines from Batman 89. Yeah. yeah absolutely
no i don't i don't have any particular like uh
moments in this movie i ever want to relive um
so i did not bother remembering any quotes from
this but like yes it it's dumb and there's things
that happen that are fun in the moment and i
hope to never think about it again okay i do
i do have a batman line i really love uh the
first time we see batman fight when they're in
the silo and the berries are like being uh are
at gunpoint with um all the russian operatives
uh batman's just at the top of the silo and just
like wings out and he just goes this is gonna
hurt So, Peter, do you have any Batman quotes
for this Flash movie on our Nicolas Cage podcast?
I don't. Sadly, I do. I do have one more, though.
OK, go. So the only other one that actually made
me like weirdly laugh was when Dick Barry is
at dinner with his non dead mom and dad. And
he's like house and spaghetti because, of course,
he is. And then he sees. dipshit barry like about
to cross the street and he just goes oh shit
i got a shit outside okay i have i i do have
one thing that really bothered me about this
and i'm gonna make you guys listen to it oh god
okay um i looked it up and in the canon the flash
uh runs at 13 trillion times the speed of light
which is 2 .5 quintillion miles per second, otherwise
known, 2 .5 followed by 18 zeros, which means
he's teleporting. It takes seven minutes for
light to travel from the sun to us, which I believe
is 93 million miles. But he got his powers because
he was struck by lightning. And maybe the chemicals
did some. The chemicals did it all. Because lightning
traveling down is 2000 times slower than the
speed of light. And traveling up from Earth is
one third the speed of light. So how do we get
to 13 trillion times the speed of light? And
if he can run that fast, I don't know what you
know about time relativity, but. if he's traveling
that fast like try not to get your facts wrong
because i'll correct if he's traveling that fast
everybody who's not traveling that fast is aging
incredibly rapidly relative to him oh man can
you imagine just looking at somebody and like
just watching a hair gray out on them so i've
been doing that with you guys for years like
so the idea that you can run so fast you could
travel back in time can't work because moving
that fast moves time relatively speaking, it
sort of speeds it up compared to you and moves
it forward faster. So what I'm saying is this
is not a relatable or believable character. Okay,
one second. I'm going to dust off the old nerd
gloves here. So technically, the lightning that
struck Barry was actually Barry Allen. Barry
struck Barry? Barry on Barry? Barry turned into
lightning to go back in time to strike himself
through the chemicals to get his powers. So it
actually has nothing to do with the chemicals.
It's all about the transference of powers. And
Nick has left the podcast. Oh, shit. I got to
shit. oh thanks for listening everybody uh thanks
bill and nathan and rico and are you trying to
do the guest list or the uh yeah good job sean
you got it you nailed everybody yeah um adam
thank you for being here thanks thanks for having
me again this thank you for joining the fisters
club we're really happy that you are here for
your fifth time uh thank you to our sparkle buddies
Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam, Bill, Stuart, and Willow.
And to our cage dancers, John, Freeman, Nathan,
and Cameron. And of course, to Bill Panks for
our music. Next week, we are doing The Death
of Superman Lives, which is going to be an interesting
one just in general because we touched on some
of the weird shit that went into that tied to
this. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I got
a shit, shit. I got a shit. Outside. Outside.
Perfect. Fantastic. Bye. Bye. An end stinger
is just a joke where it's not setting anything
up. It's just a dumb joke. Like I live here now.
The David Harbor Hellboy has a really good one
where it's just Hellboy like drinking at his
dad's grave and Lobster Johnson shows up and
tells him to like buck up and then just goes
through the Did you say Lobster Johnson? Yes,
I said Lobster Johnson. And Hellboy just goes,
I love you, Lobster Johnson. You should read
some Hellboy. Okay. Hellboy's fucking great.
Yeah, there's a ghost Nazi killer named Lobster
Johnson.