Oh, God. Oh, my God. Next up, Adaptation, November
7th. Oh, yeah, that's a thing. It's on the calendar.
Oh, and I booked your next one after that too.
Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. I'm coming to this one.
Good. Yeah. What? Mustache. Yeah, ever since
I watched this movie a couple of weeks ago, I
just got real excited. And I was just like, you
know what? Let's just see what happens. Let's
just let's take it out there a little bit. So,
dear listeners, Sean just seal clapped in joy
because Nick is where Nick has grown. Nick has
grown an all natural, very delightful mustache.
Yeah, it's thick. It's a soup dipper. Yeah, it
blows in the wind. Wow. It really kind of does.
Yeah, it's a pretty good one. You should feel
it drag across your lip. You want to come here?
Just like just a little a little. That's that's
audio medium. Sean could see we can lie. So you
throw enough sight gags into an audio podcast
and eventually they're not sure what you're actually
doing. I think most people haven't been sure
what we've been doing for about four years. Including
me. They certainly don't know what we're doing
since we finished the bracket. Yeah. I mean,
if we're going to continue with the sight gags,
we really need to hire a Foley artist. What would
this... Okay, God, never mind. I was going to
say, what is the sound of a fake mustache and
a real mustache rubbing together? But I don't
know. I don't want the Foley for that. We can
record it. Peter, you're wearing a fake mustache?
well just like this movie let's get this over
with uh my name's sean this is cage magical and
roundabout way of meeting nicholas cage we haven't
done this in a minute this feels weird this one
came late it's kind of our usual cadence but
yeah i'm out of practice well there's a little
more space between our recordings i'm here Whoa.
See, everything's off. Nothing makes sense anymore.
And our producer. Peter, hello. And our once
and future bartender, Justin. Hi, Justin. Hi.
Yeah, welcome aboard, Justin. Thanks, y 'all.
I feel like you've been party to our antics for
a long time. I have. I've listened to about 10
minutes of... the pod so oh nice yeah you're
primed then you've gotten it irl you've gotten
the live show it's true it's true yeah i get
the live show for free you've been a captive
audience for some years that's true yeah i mean
as justin and nick showed up today my daughter
cora was like are you gonna talk about butts
and poop a little bit probably i mean we probably
probably this movie doesn't have either but like
we can we can work there's a little there's a
little side but yeah side butt when was there
a side butt when uh when they get up off the
bathroom floor after uh after banging oh the
actress is katie strickland she's uh yeah i don't
remember that i just remember her name is katie
because she spells it her name is silly oh it's
fancy oh yeah fancy because it's francine france
all but it's southern fancy how could i have
not remembered that yeah That's a real lady in
the tramp kind of writing right there. Absolutely.
It's like, come on. So this is another one of
the Nick Cage 2019 movies. This week we're discussing
Grand Isle. Yeah, Grand Isle. Thank you, Sean.
Starring Nicolas Cage and about five minutes
of Kelsey Grammer. yeah they had him for the
day doing his best like uh doing a little foghorn
leghorn actually foghorn leghorn well i'm just
a southern detective i'll say i'll say i'll say
yeah the worst madlock ever honestly like if
you're gonna wear an all -white suit and be like
in any way law law related i expect at least
one hot dog Yeah, what? Why did he do this movie?
Why did anyone? But, you know, I assume. But
there couldn't have been. There wasn't that much.
The budget in this entire movie was five million
bucks. So, you know, if Cage is getting a million
or two off the top of that, like, I mean, maybe
he blew all of his X -Men money. I'm going to
say monkey paw curse. He got Frasier, and in
exchange, he had to work on Grand Isle for all
of maybe 15 hours. To be fair, I feel like this
was a really fun taping. It probably was. Like
him shooting the bottles off the roof. That's
a blast. Come on. I like that this movie really
fully utilizes the set piece and everything.
Like you get to go upstairs in the house, downstairs
in the house. Extra downstairs. There's multiple
rooms. Extra upstairs. Yeah. The layout. The
toppest most for shooting. The layout was incredibly
confusing. Extra downstairs was clearly just
a random hallway in another building. Right.
That was an office space. That was very liminal.
Exactly. And then a police station and a diner.
Is that it? Yeah. Yeah. Was the diner from earlier
the diner from later? I can't imagine they could
afford two diners. I don't know that kind of
budget. It was only five million bucks. Yeah,
we're going to shoot both scenes today. Yeah,
exactly. We're going to rough up Buddy. All right,
Buddy, this time you're not hurt. This time you're
hurt. Yeah, you definitely do the hurt scene
afterwards. You don't want to do the cleanup
between? Nope. so justin you have the luxury
and treat for us of explaining what this movie
is yeah uh so give us a summary but also tell
us about your experience of watching it and like
with whom etc yeah i watched it with my australian
friends and my partner julia and um this is a
god a whirlwind of about gosh 80 minutes of build
-up and like them seemingly trying to wrap up
the film in about 15 minutes um but yeah you
know it's nick cage doing classic nick cage stuff
he's unhinged crazy wife hot wife crazy guy hires
a i guess there's a there's a like military connection
there between yeah cage and buddy cage's character
and buddy and they're that's like a bonding moment
for them and almost almost like derogatory from
one side yeah well nobody nobody feels good about
hanging out with sailors that's true yeah and
you know i think uh also just thinking about
him calling him tadpole now is grosser thinking
about all the like semen needs of this movie
oh the semen needs that sounds like something
that should have been budgeted like you found
one line somewhere there it's like semen you
need 12 bucks for semen 12 dollars of semen what
homeless guy did you 12 bucks is a good deal.
I've never donated sperm. How much do you get
for that? You can get up to $50 per. Okay. It
depends on... So $12 a semen is... Yeah, plasma
is more worth it. Yeah, but you can do it multiple
times. Oh, yeah, you can. You can crank multiple
times a week. Yeah, I think you can do like two
or three a week. Yeah, I think if you're, I mean,
they check your count, right? Yeah, yeah, they're
going to look at it. If you have low numbers,
they're not going to pay you as much or anything.
You just replenish. Yeah, that's right. Is there
anything else you'd like to know? I can tell
you. Yeah, tell me more about cum. Oh, okay.
Well, cum. Ten minutes into the pod. Might as
well, might as well. Things have cum unhinged.
yeah there's really not like a big plot line
to this right okay so there's a storm coming
they've got a fence that needs repair right like
his wife is horny he's a drunk why do they need
that fence repaired peter oh yeah ah because
they shot a guy who chose to rob the wrong house
which is also like very unexplained yeah and
then like okay so they shoot him and then put
him in the fuck prison yeah where'd he go yeah
they just kind of like they shoot him and then
it's like oh we have this fence that needs repair
there's a bloody board yeah don't worry nobody
notices yeah yeah it's okay he won't notice it
he didn't do shit the whole time buddy yeah for
a guy who owns a fence like fencing company uh
all he did was replace those two like horizontal
boards I don't have fence technology or like
terminology to add to this. And he got too horny
that he hit his own hand. Uh huh. Yeah. Who amongst
us? Understandable. But yeah. So like the deep
cut of the entire thing is, is what it's that
they can't have a baby, but then it's also like,
it sounds like they did have babies. Like they
had a factory. Cause that lady was like the baby
maker. Right. But then why did they have no kids?
I'm assuming they eat them. I mean, there's a
lot that they don't like. I mean, you don't even
know about the baby stuff until like the end.
Yeah, it's like the last two minutes. Yeah, they
just wrap that one up real quick. It's like it's
weird. Like you assume that she's just got a
bunch of what you call them like voodoo dolls
and stuff because you see one little thing like
that. But there's no like explanation of like
why. The sheer amount of voodoo references there
were. They showed him at least ten times in the
film. I only noticed the one egregious one where
it was him being like, oh my god. There's the
one solo and then later there's a whole mantle
full of them. The mantle is the one I caught.
Just like so much of nick cages and uh fancy's
problems in this film is like their whole thing
is they hate each other um they've been married
for 15 years not even that long to hate each
other that much i think it was 15 years it's
like it's not that much to have that much fucking
hate it's important because it's their anniversary
oh that's right He fell asleep with sunglasses
on. Or did he? He brought her a stud. I think
she hired him. Yeah, he didn't know anything
about it. She hired out for a fence guy after
Cage shot that guy through their fence. Well,
he shot that guy for her to fuck. I don't know.
That must have been it. But he's also having
home problems because he hasn't fucked in six
months. Oh, yeah. There are lots of good like
blowjob questions and stuff like that. Oh, yeah.
Definitely that. How long has it been since you
got your dick sucked in? I don't remember words,
but. So Buddy, the sailor, goes to see his wife.
Yeah. The fence repairman. Sailor fence repairman.
Sees his wife. She's got a little kid. And he's
like, we, you know, we haven't fucked in six
months, whatever. And she's like, well, I want
to get a job. And he's like, you can't get a
job. Your job is being a mom. And he's like,
but also have your sister take care of that fucking
sick baby. She's got a cough right now. Not my
problem. gotta get that dick whip so apparently
i've watched this movie twice now um that's my
favorite fact about this entire experience is
that you've already seen this movie yeah chose
to watch it before yeah i intentionally watched
it because i didn't think we were ever gonna
do this so i watched it and then immediately
i guess forgot it all because josie was like
we've seen this movie i was like i don't believe
you you're a liar and a woman and Then we put
it on. It's like, oh, I recognize this. This
is this seems reasonable. I've probably seen
a trailer for this. And then, no, no, no, no.
I remembered everything as it happened. So she's
still a liar and a woman. But there's not a lot
that actually happens in this film. Like I keep
calling it film. It's silly. For lack of a better
word. Yeah. Yeah. This this movie, there's not
a lot that actually goes on. you know well yeah
there's no like major theme there's no plot there's
no like big reveal other than that they're creeps
but they're like creeps from the get right i
mean nick cage the way he says haha is oh yeah
come on man it is cool that we get a little bit
of extra like nicholas cage is the bad guy kind
of thing yeah because we don't we don't get enough
of those yeah so the whole like framing story
in this film is Buddy is being questioned by
Kelsey Grammer, who is a detective. Right. You
can tell because of his nice suit. Yeah, he's
a southern detective. I cannot watch Nick and
have this conversation. Go on. I should have
saved my burrito for this podcast. I just housed
a burrito while finishing my work so I could
be here. Don't feed the stereotypes. I gotta
say, Sparkle Buddies and Sauerkraut Hot Dogs
combined as a smell is quite an experience, so
bless your heart and that mustache. A little
flavor saver. So Buddy is being questioned by
Kelsey Grammer because there's been a murder
and he's telling his side of the story about
how He got there to build a fence. They were
creeps. His truck wouldn't start. So we had to
like ride out a hurricane at the creeps house.
Fancy wanted to fuck him. Nick Cage was just
hanging out with guns and talking about, you
know, being a Marine for all of 15 minutes. Don't
call him Jarhead. And then once Nick then wants
Buddy to kill Fancy. cyanide you just put it
on the rag but instead buddy fucks fancy and
then she stabs nick cage and then they're gonna
escape and like all the problems will be solved
if they just leave and nick cage is like back
out the basement and then fancy tries like to
kill buddy and then they're like in cahoots to
kill buddy because buddy knows too much but he
didn't know anything and it also felt like they
were all along in cahoots because she stabs him
in the hand right yeah but then but then he's
like why'd you have to stab me so dang hard you
know and it's like i don't know i don't know
that seems like a thing that you wouldn't say
unless you were like we were planning this the
entire fucking time just in case yeah i feel
like this was a movie that was being written
on the day and that they wrote it in a day and
filmed it in a day And they saw Kelsey Grammer
at a bus stop in a white suit. And they're like,
can we borrow you? We just need you for five
minutes, my friend. You know who I know? They
only had Kelsey Grammer for one day. Besides
the fact that he has like seven minutes of screen
time. When the cops finally show up at their
house, he's not there. It's another lady detective
that they have to invent just to go to the house.
Because in the final scene where Kelsey Grammer
and Nick Cage are on screen at the same time,
it's after Nick Cage shaves. Why? Sorry, why
is that relevant? Oh, no, I was just saying like
how I know they only had Kelsey Grammer for a
day. Oh, I got you. Yeah, you're right. Yeah,
I think this script was put together by bits
that were left on the cutting room floor for
something else. Like there's a better movie out
there somewhere. And these are the bits that
got shaved out. I don't think there's a better
movie of this. I don't know. Oh, you think this
is just peak? I don't think there is. I do think
there's a ton that got cut. I think that. Absolutely.
There's too many loose ends. It's entirely possible
that the better movie was also never released.
something this movie could have taken i mean
definitely bless them for making this thing only
90 minutes like this had been two hours i would
have killed myself i'm gonna go i'm gonna go
against that argument that uh a bunch of shit
was cut i don't believe anything was cut i believe
that's all they filmed i just there's so many
loose ends that's that's that's my reasoning
here it's just it's just bad writing and cheap
like the big hint that gives away that there's
something up at the house is buddy finds the
not dead body of the kid that got shot at the
beginning of the movie who was straight up wearing
a burglar's outfit with like white and black
stripes um so dear viewers dear listeners nick
is drinking mostly through his mustache a buzz
ball out of a uh is that the riddler no it's
always the right it's the riddler mcdonald's
glass cup i should have got another twisty straw
here no no this was always the point dripping
so much i shouldn't have worn a white shirt it's
so trippy These microphones will never smell
the same. Your house will never smell the same.
There's a second hot dog, people. They're hot
links. I embraced Fancy's Louisiana -ness. Got
hot links and like coffee liqueur. That is a...
It's a chocolate buzz ball. Okay, yeah. Well,
you're a sharp waiter. I hope. That's the finale.
the reason they believe buddy is because he found
the not dead body of the kid who got shot because
he was hooked up to an IV for reasons and the
kid had a piece of cloth that had a bunch of
Japanese characters on it was that the kid that
got shot it was okay I did not pick up on that
at all why did he have her like kimono outfit
I'm assuming he tore a piece off of it when they
were forcing them to fuck yeah But also, why
was he in the upstairs and not in the locked
basement? Wasn't he? He was in the locked basement.
No, he was just in like their pantry. Hmm. Because
he never but he never gets into the basement.
So he's just like a guy in their pantry. I think
he does go into the basement. He doesn't get
into the locked back door. No, he doesn't. He
doesn't make it to the basement because when
he's unlocking the doors, Fancy pulls the gun
on him and shoots the door and then he runs into
the side room. Wow, that walrus mustache when
you look confounded is really impressive. Be
confounded again. Him referencing the piece of
cloth with Japanese characters on it makes the
other detective be like, people have been going
missing. This woman was... wearing uh this you
know asian was wearing a dress with japanese
characters on it and they're like was this the
dress they said yes when they eventually find
her she is wearing a red dress it's not the same
dress well yeah the dress in the photo looks
like she was wearing one of those like paper
lanterns some family just wrote all their hopes
and prayers on her and then maybe it was fancy
you know i don't and i'm not rooting for buddy
in this movie because fuck buddy he's an idiot
Like everything, everything he did was wrong,
including when the cops show when he's like when
the cops show up later and they're just firing
indiscriminately at Nick Cage's character's car
as he peels out. There are houses across the
street, but he could have just been like, y 'all
are weird. I'm going to go like see if anyone
else will let me like hang out on their porch.
I mean, Buddy is clearly a dipshit. Yeah. Like
that's pretty well established. Also, let's let's
back it up a minute. Speaking of being backed
up, he hasn't come in like six months, dude.
Yeah, so cut him some slack. Yeah, that brain
ain't working right. He's all clogged up. Yeah,
apparently his hand also doesn't work. You know.
I just don't think he ever learned how. Yeah,
sorry. That's that's more of a marine thing.
Sailors had some other outlet. I don't know.
It's like a reverse thing. A different inlet.
That's right. Why didn't the kid still want Buddy
to kill the wife after he like pole cocked her?
She stabs him. Nick Cage like punches her out.
Then like threatens Buddy to do the murder. Well,
he needs him to do the murder. So that way he
can't get charged for it. And he'll probably
end up killing Buddy. My assumption was he was
just going to kill Buddy afterwards anyways and
be like, he killed my wife. He took my job. Yeah,
so why didn't you just kill Buddy, do the same
murder, and then blame Buddy? Oh, God, I don't
know. This is like one of those movies that I
watched. I watched this in two nights because
I could not handle doing it in one. I watched
it two nights, too. It's like, what's true? I
just like nothing about it. sticks in my brain
in a good way like usually i can find something
that's like that's funny and i'm gonna remember
that and i'm like looking through my notes right
now and i'm like what what what am i talking
about you know what was funny to me was the scene
where he goes out in a blaze of glory yeah like
just the Oh, suicide by cop is just the best
way to go. The physical acting of Nick Cage in
a moment like that is just, it's so fucking good.
So camp. What were they called? Like Rough Riders?
Like Sharpshooters? Something like that? Yeah,
Gunslingers. Gunslingers checking out. His tragic
backstory is he was going to go to, he went to
Vietnam for a day, but like fucked up his Well,
I think he fucked up in a like boot or something
because everybody else got deployed except him.
It was like the day after. Training because some
guy threw a grenade. Yeah, some ding dong threw
a grenade. And then his entire his entire like
platoon got like wiped out. And instead of thinking,
wow, I really dodged a bullet by jumping on that
grenade. He's like, man, I should have been there.
I could have saved them all. Or also died with
all of them. That's the most likely outcome,
but I don't think he sees that. No. He's just
a big dumb Marine. He thinks he's a hero. I could
have saved them. Yeah. Yeah. Real white savior
complex. So that hurricane didn't seem all that
bad. No, it did not. They did board some shit
up, but. We see the aftermath of it where like
the news shows like how. devastated the town
was but based on what we were seeing in the house
really was just kind of windy it was pretty wet
it came down pretty good it's kind of like those
um there was a couple years ago where there was
like the big storms coming to seattle and then
it was just a bunch of pictures of like one lawn
chair knocked over it's like yeah okay yeah kind
of that that's my favorite seattle storm energy
certainly not the kind on the basketball court
Oh, God. Fuck off. What? They lose a lot. OK,
so like there are just some really fucking absurd
quotes in this. And like, that's the only thing
that kind of stands out to me. OK, so Fancy is
in the bathtub and he's going in there to fucking
cyanide her or whatever. And then she just goes.
do you want to hear my young boy fantasy oh yeah
no and then immediately for the crotch hold on
i gotta jerk you off while i do this okay now
that scene was actually pretty cool where she
like managed to flick his fucking oh yeah i'm
assuming she has a bottle opener on the bottom
like those cool like shitty flip -flops oh yeah
but it's just the heel of her And then the drama
of it being like in the doorframe or whatever,
as if he's going to see that and be like, that's
from a pant. Right. After like 18 scotches. When
he like is barely sober enough to get up the
stairs. Yeah. But he was comatose like 10 seconds
ago. Oh, let's see. Here's another good one.
You made me hit a woman because you couldn't
finish the job. We finished the job. You think
I have a dark side? You have no idea. Another
fancy. I'll look him right in the eyes as you
make me come. This movie is absurd. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Oh, when they were like, she wanted him
to fuck her right in front of Nicolas Cage. He's
tied down. Let's just fuck me right here. Fucking
Kelsey Grammer. What do you think this is? New
York? D .C.? D .C.? Yo, Grand Isle, son. We don't
subscribe to that big city nonsense. I say, I
say. D .C. nonsense being wanting a lawyer. Can
I get a phone call? No. What do you think you
are, boy? D .C.? This is Louisiana. oh boy i
think that's it for my notes good good episode
yeah there was some like quote specifically from
nicholas cage about getting getting a buddy getting
his dick sucked but i cannot remember it for
the life of me uh when was the last time you
had your uh cock Sucked. Yeah, yeah. What a great
way to say it. Hey, complete stranger who's here
to work on my fence and stuck because of rain.
Which, like, that line in particular makes me
feel like it's really just all a big cuck fantasy
for Nick Cage. It should have been a big red
flag right there, too. Like, hmm, I mean, I like
that mustache, but... Yeah, that should have
been the first red flag for Buddy. The first
one right there. She had gone off. It wasn't
her kissing his boo -boo. That is a little weird.
After serving him what was very much an alcoholic
iced tea. If not more. Oh, well, maybe Viagra.
I think she laced him with a little blue pill.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah. You know what? I would not
have got much of that fence built either if I
had a raging hard -on. If you were bricked up.
Yeah. Is that a phrase? You never heard bricked
up? Oh, it's a great one. It's a great one. Bricks
are hard. They are, in fact. And the building
block of society. Indeed. Damn right. Much like
boners. So, Justin, you watch this with Australian
friends who are Nick Cage fans and Julia. What
did they think of this movie? Nick Cage fans
and Julia. And Julia. Who I don't think is a
Nick Cage fan. Yeah, admittedly not a Nick Cage
fan. Not a hater, though. Do you think she'd
like this movie more if you were? If you grew
a mustache, much as I have grown a very natural
or borrowed this one. Authentic mustache. I think
she would love if I borrowed this one right after
the episode. Yeah. Brought it home, wore it home.
100%. Buzz balled up. Straight, straight appropriate
funk. Dripping, yeah. Still wet. She actually
fell asleep. God bless her. About 50 minutes
in. Oh, she missed all the good stuff. She missed
the resolution. Second buzz balls hitting the
pod. I got all these buzz balls left. I got to
drink them. I keep forgetting they exist in my
house. Oh, are those from the show? Absolutely,
they are from the show. They are pink flocked
buzz balls from our Dick Cage movie show. Yeah,
they're the snowballs. Oh, God. Okay, so Julia
fell asleep. Julia fell asleep, yet went to bed.
The Australians were... Unimpressed, I will say.
Tell me why. Did they not realize he contained
range? That there was levels to his performance
ability? No, you know what? It was a fun watch
for all of us. I think it's good. to watch that
with people that are like fans of the actor that
are able to laugh at his like worst performances.
Not that this is anywhere close to his. No, no.
Actually, I enjoyed a Nicolas Cage in this film.
I will go out. I don't think he's the issue here.
No. Yeah. It's that fucking Kelsey Grammer. Yeah.
Kelsey Grammer. He's always dragging shit down.
Yeah. But yeah, no, we had a good time. I'll
say that they didn't have that many comments.
There was, there was some points where we were
like predicted exactly what was the fuck was
going to happen, you know? But also like, I think
they were the most pissed off about there being
no mention of voodoo whatsoever. Nothing to do
with anything. Yeah. Weirdly, the thing that
pissed me off most about this movie is. he comes
in his car doesn't start whatever it's a hurricane
whatever he's like i gotta hunger down here and
they're like drink drink the fucking wine you
know and then she's making soup and then they
serve meatloaf for dinner josie josie was on
about the same thing she's like what what the
fuck is up with that soup i don't know man i
was like maybe it's a gravy but no it's not i
assumed she was just making like stock for later
I don't know. But why even bother filming that?
It's the dumbest shit that bugs me about these.
These movies are so bad. This is what I get caught
on, Sean. You get caught up on other things that
are more important. I'm like, no. Where was that
goddamn soup? What is she doing with it? I mean,
that normally would bother me if I could bother
to care about this film at all. Yeah. And he's
like, my car broke down and a hurricane's coming.
And she's just like, you're the worst man ever.
The thing that I hated the most about this is
when he called his wife and asked how his kid
was. She didn't say, oh, she's good. She's cute.
Or whatever it was. Fucking... What was that
kid's terrible name? Cinderella? Yeah, Cinderella.
How's Cindy? She's good. She's sweet. Oh yeah,
she's sweet. Why isn't this kid sweet? Because
this kid hates your dad. That would have been
an A -plus banger callback. That would have been
an incredible Easter egg. Just buried in there.
For us. Yeah, for us. Hey, Nick Cage. Go make
a bad movie and just throw a little reference
in there that hopefully we catch. Hopefully we'll
watch it a lot. Just mention an exploded lady
and then I'll laugh really fucking hard. So good.
Yeah, just oh, just have a news clip going on
in the background of a bar scene. And it's just
like the the rooftop cover. What's her face blowing
up? Was it Shube? No, it wasn't. It wasn't Shube.
It was Jessica Biel. Oh, yeah. Jessica Biel.
Exploding Jessica Biel. How many Exploding Jessica
Beals do we give this movie? Wait, is that a
sign of a good movie or a bad movie? It doesn't
matter. I'm keeping all of my Exploding Jessica
Beals for myself this time. it's been six months
the movie gets few i was thinking about this
the other day i'm like how could like what what
can we do next like how how do we keep this rolling
i'm like maybe we do a race to the bottom maybe
we just do like a like a mad dash through like
all the first round failures to see what the
worst film in the bracket was then i looked at
the bracket again i'm like no i don't ever want
to watch any of those movies again except for
adaptation And again, most of the movies that
we're watching in season three are the ones that
did not make the bracket. They're potentially
sometimes not worse than the movies that were
in the bracket. So, yeah, there's only maybe
one or two like honorable mentions, I would say.
And we didn't realize that until afterwards.
Like Amos and Andrew. Exactly. The only one I
could think of. That's the first one that came
into my mind. Kind of racy, but it's got Sam
Jackson. So you expect that? Yeah. amos and andrew
maybe could have made it further because it was
actually a funny movie in the comedy bracket
comedy was a lot of our comedy bracket stuff
was pretty fucking thin yeah although it probably
would have seeded against raising arizona yeah
it would have gone out immediately yeah it's
like oh okay but it made the bracket we saw that
movie oh my god lawn jockeys why why has that
ever been a thing i don't know man racism runs
deep boy don't no wrong phrase oh boy this pile
of shit in front of you man your body is disgusting
i'm just glad this is a new shirt because i have
to wash it anyways I treat all my new laundry
this way. Pour a couple of buzz balls and sauerkraut
dogs on them. Excuse me. I had to be very specific
about my mustard usage, too, because I was like,
I can't get it on the white shirt. But now a
chocolate buzz ball. Let it rip. So, OK, Sean,
here's a question for you. Where do you put this
in the lower echelon of Cage movies? We've seen
some shit. I was just looking at that. I would
put this just above a Tokarev. OK, above a Tokarev.
All right. Better than Rage. And that I don't
remember anything. I don't remember anything
about. I don't remember anything about Rage.
No crime jacket. No. Yeah. Oh, that gave us crime
jackets. Rage is Tokarev, you fucks. Yeah. It's
the same movie, you goddamn morons. I'm not.
I know what we're talking about. I couldn't remember
the American name. Look at me. You think I don't
know this? When was the last time your dick got
sucked? Well, when was the last time you got
your cock sucked? I don't know. This movie is
going to be just utterly... I think, like Nick,
this one's going to be one that I immediately
forget I watched. So, Justin, same question.
Of all the Nick Cage movies you've seen, what's
your top two and where does this rank? I'll say,
I'll say, I'll say. I'll say, I'll say. I'll
say, I'll say. Her little Kelsey Graham one now.
It's a little Southern podcast. We don't podcast
like in D .C. Well, I'll say this. The last Cage
movie I watched was Prisoners of Ghostland live
at the Beacon. A good choice. A big choice. It's
a great film. I own that movie. And you know
what? This was a more enjoyable watch than that
for me. No, incorrect. Get him out of here. You
know, and that's, and that's, and that's fine
for you to think, Sean. It's just like that.
There was truly nothing there for me, except
for his like nutsack exploding. Oh, that's so
good. Govanna! Govanna! Yeah, like, I don't know.
I don't know. Maybe it was the live experience,
too. You know. Well, you probably the live experience
ruined it for you. I mean, you were sitting.
I think that might have made it worse. Well,
I mean, you were sitting fairly close to Rico
and Pete. I was I was prime, like in between
the two of them. So, yeah, that's a rough spot
to be. You know, I don't even like that. Do you
remember in the Simpsons? Not in a film. Do you
remember in the Simpsons when they showed the
3D rendering of the cone of ignorance around
where Bart sat? of like that yeah exactly yeah
so um you know i i kind of enjoyed i kind of
enjoyed It was easier to make fun of than that
movie for me. Because that movie tried to be
like art. Yeah, that movie took itself too seriously.
It was making very intentional choices to be
the way it was. Right, right. This just was.
And this just was. And, you know, it felt like
it wasn't trying too hard, which I appreciate
about it, you know. But, you know, I think there's
a little bit more there in Prisoner's Ghost Land,
for example. But, yeah. That at least had something
visually for me to like glom onto. This was just
like. Definitely. It was a white picket fence
of nothing. Partially repaired white picket fence
of nothing. Yeah. Can we just briefly talk about
how terrible the fight scenes in this movie are?
Oh, you mean when he throws Buddy across the
fucking attic? That was tight as hell. I know,
like when they're tussling, when they're like
fighting over like. Hey, Rosie. Rosie. Are you
about to give us a visual demonstration? No,
don't fight your dog. She'll win. I know she'll
win. I have met Rosie. She's got a knife. No
teeth, but still. When they were like tussling
for the for the gun in the living room, just
like the fighting was awful. And then they do
fight again in the Addis. attic and nick cage
does his like signature like sidekick that he
does oh yeah it was so good also you're telling
me that this like 25 year old fresh out of the
marines guy isn't navy yeah sorry navy guy who
isn't gonna like whoop some ass against a drunk
ass old nick cage let me ask you one question
how much hand -to -hand combat do you think navy
sailors i think there's a lot of hand I'm sure
there's a lot of hand stuff. I'm not for these
semen. Were you expecting Nick the Cage to try
to lock up and Buddy just starts whacking him
off? Yeah. It's been six months. How long has
it been since Cage has gotten fucked in this?
That's what I want to know. It does not seem
like this whole situation works out very well
for Cage. But it also feels like Fancy's like
down to fuck him. I don't know. She never seems
to have any interest in Kate. Well, she was going
to fuck him on their anniversary for sure. Or
at least you at least get one. Yeah, maybe he
was very horny. I don't know this movie. OK,
so it's rated terribly. It's somewhere between
like a zero and a nine percent. Yeah. Where would
you put it? Honestly? give it like a 28 it's
really it's really not that bad what i was gonna
say yeah it's not a bad movie so okay well okay
it's a bad movie but it's not a terrible movie
i think it's got more to it it just needed to
be i think this is a really brushed up if you're
really stupid oh yeah you know what i mean oh
yeah if you're like iq 80 or below Well, I don't
know. I guess I don't know. If you liked the
Melania movie, give this a shot. Yeah, let it
rip. Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Are you a fan
of Brett Ratner? You'll probably enjoy this.
I did just because I wanted to. I wanted to watch
just the trailer today after after I had watched
it, just to like, you know, kind of just see
some moments and see if it lines up. But yeah,
all the comments on on the trailer, they're just
all from idiots. They're like. I fucking love
this movie, man. I love this movie. I've never
seen Louisiana represented so well. This is the
best movie of the year, man. Come on, man. So,
yeah, I think it's a really good movie for stupid
people. And if you are, like, a little bit more
intellectual than stupid, you're out. Yeah. I
think that's the best tagline I've ever heard
for a movie I did not, like, care for. I fully
agree. This movie is a really good movie for
stupid people. And I think a lot of movies fall
in this bucket. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
yeah. I would agree with that. It's a really
great movie for stupid people. Well, it's a really
good movie for people who watch with subtitles.
Yeah, that's true. You've got to have the subtitles
on. Otherwise, it's just... Which actually probably
ruins the movie. Probably. I bet it's intentional.
I don't know. I don't like... Christopher Nolan.
It reminds me a little bit. Tenet reminds me
a little bit of I had a dream once where I learned
that I could fly. This is back in like 1998.
I learned I could fly if I ran fast enough and
I opened my flip phone at the correct angle.
That's what Tenet feels like to me. Wow. Wow.
Dumb as shit. But in a dream, you're like, yeah,
man. I thought those scenes where you were like
they're walking through the fan factory. I thought
the subtitles just said indistinct talking. Probably
he doesn't want to reveal too much. OK, fuck,
man. I don't even know. I got nothing else on
this movie. Nick, you were a ridiculous mustache
and grew. You grew a ridiculous mustache and
ate. Way more food on microphone than you should
ever, ever do again. Yep. You poured a glass
with ice of buzz ball. I brought ice from home.
You did drink some sparkle buddies out of a straw.
I had a crazy straw with a whale tail on it.
I just like, I think we, this movie fucked us.
I don't, I just, I don't know how to feel about
Nick. Who's like properly medicated and can focus
on his bits of it now. The chaos kept me on my
toes, but it was sedated because Nick barely
had follow through because he'd get on to the
next bit. Yeah, he like packed a whole fucking
thing, man. It was it was a whole plan. I wasn't
sure how long this recording was going to go.
And I was like, I got to get through all of this
in at least 45 minutes because this could be
a shit show. I got to at least let Sean recognize
that that I grew a mustache for this. Yeah, it
was long. It flows. Yeah. It's like one of those
St. Charles terriers. Oh, yeah. My entire mustache
is just a St. Charles. It is. You actually look
more like your dogs now. Yeah. So. Oh, wear it
home. Not that they're St. Charles's, but you
do look. Wear it home and see what they do. I
can't. I can't wear it home because Charlotte
will lick it and I can't get that sweet little
girl drunk. That's fair. No, this movie's bad.
Don't watch it. I say nine is an appropriate
percentage to get this film. Watch it if you're
stupid. Yeah. I'm at this point where I'm like,
I cannot recommend watching this movie. There's
just no way. Completionists, go ahead. If you're
dumb, watch it. It is 90 minutes, I will say
that. It's 90 minutes. It's a tight 90. It's
a tight 90, so. That's my favorite. 90 minutes.
90 minutes. Yeah, I say watch it if you want
to. I mean, it's fine. Like, I mean, it's not
a good movie. It's no Zandalee. Yeah, in no way,
shape, oh man, Zandalee, that was a great movie.
See, his performance is way better in that, but.
But that's, I think, why we say 28%, because
it's like, it's not a good movie. Yeah, but it's
also like you're not going to be like, I regret
spending time. Yeah, if you go into it prepared
to watch a movie that is, you know, maybe a 28
% approval rating, that's what you're going to
get. I kind of regret watching it. I regret a
lot of things. Why? I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know why this one rubbed me wrong. I
like. OK, Peter and Sean. I haven't come in six
months. I have. OK, just really quickly. Tell
me what specifically you would have done with
those 90 minutes. Oh, there's there's not more.
You're just asking me what I would do to make
a movie in 90 minutes? No, no, no. What would
you have done with those 90 minutes of your life?
Oh, of my life? Yeah. If you hadn't watched it,
what would you have done? Oh, man. Not what would
you have liked to have done. I would have smashed
two mint juleps. I would have consumed a bottle
of wine and a bunch of whiskey and then fallen
asleep. Built a fence. Built a fence. Built a
fucking fence. Didn't finish it though. Realistically.
I would have gone to bed. Yeah. Sean, I also
would have gone to bed. Yeah. Yeah. So like sleep
is a waste anyway. Sleeps for cowards. Sleeps
for people who can't handle reality. I raw dog
it constantly by sleep depriving myself. Yeah.
And I bring my best game because of it. You know
what I stopped doing to watch this movie? I stopped
playing Resident Evil, which is an amazing game.
I was really enjoying my session of playing Resident
Evil to watch this film. I would have rather
played Resident Evil. No, I never stopped like
cruising Reddit. During this movie, you could
have still played it. No, it's the same TV. I
have the one TV. I'd like to say the stashes,
the stashes fully, fully going off the left side
here. Yeah, it's saturated. It's the left side.
Once it's drooping. Yeah, I know. It's crazy
because when I saturate my mustache, it gets
longer. Oh, it's smart. Yeah, that's a good way
to deal. I have a comb over. It's a mustache.
I do want to bring back this week in cage real
quick. Cause there's, there's been a development
that I learned about. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. From
IMDb. This isn't new news. I was just shocked
to see that at some point between us starting
this and the announcement that Nick Cage is thinking
of doing a sequel to Lord of War that they actually
filmed Lords of War. Yeah, apparently it's in
post -production. Yeah, it's a real movie. Yeah.
No, there are photos on IMDb. Sean, confirming
they can read, told us that they were on IMDb.
And it says post -production. Post -production.
I sent you a photo of it. There's also photos
of Nick Cage on set. So apparently it happened
when we were working. Because we were busy watching
this. Grand Isle. It happened in 90 minutes.
Expect the worst. It's got a Skarsgård in it,
though, so, you know, that's something. Oh, speaking
of Skarsgård. Hold up, back up. Now we got to
talk about Wicker. Yeah, we got to talk about
Wicker. Oh, my God, Wicker. Wicker since tonight.
Yes, you've seen the trailer for Wicker? Yeah.
So good. Wait, is it out now? Do you want to
see Olivia Colman get plowed? What I've seen.
Yeah, I think it got like a Europe. pn release
first and like it hasn't come come out out or
whatever yeah so it looks fucking awesome it's
out there watch the trailer yeah i think we're
gonna do a wicker marathon yeah me and the australians
amazing yeah wicker marathon being watching the
wicker man and then wicker and then wicker yeah
yeah wait wicker man wicker man wicker right
yeah right okay i got you and then sitting in
wicker chairs right yeah all right justin final
thoughts last words Ooh, that was a movie. Good.
Nailed it. No, it was fun. It was fun. It was
a fun, fun movie. Nick Cage. Could have used
a Bobo. Bad facial hair. Drunk for most of it.
Could have used a Bobo. Yeah. But he does nothing.
It's, it's, it is a nothing burger of a movie,
but it really is. In other. You know, this week
in Cage News, there was like this Netflix movie
that got stolen or some shit. Did you see that?
That also had Ron Perlman in it, speaking of
Bobos. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, I didn't know
that. Yeah, it was an unreleased Nicolas Cage
film. And what, the studio is suing Netflix for
$105 million? Gave them the hard drives and the
hard drives got stolen. Oh my God, how fucking
cool would it be? to see a nicholas cage movie
that nobody else gets to see it's like showing
at the beacon november 7th yeah that wouldn't
get us in trouble but it'd be like uh fucking
what's his ass who owns like the wu -tang album
right it's just one copy of the only one yeah
and it's like that would be so cool that would
be tight for us to have yeah we've got like a
dollar fifty We're coming up. We're coming for
you. Stolen Nicolas Cage film. Daryl, if you
have that movie, give it to us. All right. So
next up, we've got The Flash, where we have Nick
Cage only in CGI doing nothing. Mm hmm. He fights
a giant spider. Oh, no, I don't want to give
it up. Oh, yeah. All right. We'll get there.
You can bleep that out. Sure. I don't want to
ruin the whole next episode right now. I'll wait
until next episode to ruin it. I can't wait to
watch that movie. It's going to be great. But
yeah, if you want to help us buy that stolen
Netflix movie, you can support us on Patreon.
Special thanks to our Sparkle Buddies, Josh,
Josie, Matt, Adam, Bill, Stuart and Willow and
our Caged Dancers, John, Freeman, Nathan and
Cameron. And of course, to Bill Panks for our
intro music. We are very happy to have anyone
listen to any of these episodes. These are rough.
Oh, but the music makes it better. Yeah, that's
true. Yeah. Thanks, Bill. Bill Panks, specifically.
Yeah. Not our other friend Bill. No other Bills
in particular. That's all. Thanks for being here,
Justin. Thanks for having me, guys. Yeah, appreciate
you. Thanks, Justin. Thanks for the mustache.
Bye -bye. You know, I want to say... Stop. I
love my girlfriend. And I feel bad for saying
that she was a liar and a woman. Well, good.
I'm glad you got that out of your system. Way
to cover your ass, buddy. Yeah, you fucking killed
that. It would have been great if you had peeled
the mustache off and then said it. Yeah. I need
to come clean. That was other Nick. I'm a liar
and a woman. Oh, man. I hate this thing so much.