Oh, God. Oh, my God. And then some weird shit
happened with this guy named Jose, which I'm
not sure if you met. Different Jose? Not your
host, not Josie. Different host. New guy. Newest
member of the group. No longer with us in the
group. That is because of death. For context,
the Jose I knew his like pick up line move to
talking to girls was telling the story about
the one time he almost got chlamydia. Almost.
Almost. Also, it proves you fuck. Yeah. And you're
reckless. That was like we got it. That was his
mindset. He was like, guys are totally going
to think I'm experienced. I do anything. I do
it all, baby. I fuck with that. That was before
his time, like years in the future. I miss all
of you. I got to come visit. Yeah, it's a mess.
And we haven't really been cool ever since, basically.
I do want to say, speaking of it's a mess, welcome
back to Cage Magical and Roundabout. I'm your
host, Sean, here with my... Now international
co -host. Bathrobe Nick. I'm wearing a bathrobe.
Nick is in a bathrobe. And our un -bathrobed
producer. Peter, hello. I really feel like I
should go get a bathrobe, but I would have to
go to the store. I don't own a bathrobe. I can
just take one from Pete's room. We can just charge
Pete's room for a bath. Oh, absolutely. They
probably charge you like $150 for those fucking
things. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't even say it's
that nice of a bathrobe, but it feels good on
my bare flesh. Where do you get bare flesh? Welcoming...
Where do you get bare flesh? Welcoming back to
the podcast my oldest friend that we've recently
rediscovered, Chris Fields. Hey, how's it going,
everybody? I hope you guys are... I took notes
on this thing, by the way. Oh, terrific. I'm
sorry. He got you back for a doozy. Yeah, this
movie. I was not prepared, bro. Okay, so this
week on Cage Match, colon and roundabout, we're
meeting Nicolas Cage. We are discussing the movie
Vengeance, colon, A Love Story. And it is...
Tongue in cheek. none of those things none of
those things yes i mean i guess i mean it is
it does have vengeance i suppose yeah it is a
vengeance story there's a vengeance he's avenging
someone he's not getting revenge himself you
know that would be a revenge story all right
so i introduced myself i am christopher fields
like as sean said one of his oldest friends if
not the oldest i guess we agreed on um that i
still talk to you yeah you still talk to me so
it's i i won the race you're my black friend
you're the one that keeps me from getting canceled
happy to be of service i'm known internationally
as hell pockets um i actually just got back from
japan a couple weeks ago doing a gig for a dragon
ball z mobile game world esports tournament which
fuck yeah yeah it was awesome you know i had
a great time ben dinamco flew me out there and
they you know took care of me and it's a great
time and then i came home with gout because all
they had to eat out there is pork and noodles
That's so cool. The King's disease. Hey, what's
your favorite? What's your favorite way to get
gout? Like what? Well, what's the meal of choice
for a guy? Pork and noodles might be it. I think
that's it. Yeah. Ramen, dude. Like I just cannot.
I have to avoid eating ramen because if I don't
limit myself, I'll eat that every day. Right.
Yeah. Especially out there. I'll go out there.
I'll eat Mazatoba, which is like basically brothless
ramen. And they just. put a bunch of oil on top
of it to simulate wet noodles. Just to lube it
up for you. Just really slick it in. They lubed
up the noodles for me, bro. I had that for breakfast
one day and my foot started hurting. I was like,
oh shit, I totally deserve this. I'm a fighting
game analyst slash commentator slash former competitor,
retired and brand ambassador for SNK. as well
as their number one commentator. And on the side,
I work for San Francisco State University in
the psychology department. That's right. I forgot
like the dichotomy of your life is really interesting.
I do a little bit of everything, you know. Well,
right on. Welcome back. Thank you. Thank you.
Sorry. Sorry. It's not as good a movie as last
time, because last time it was we watched Mandy
with you, didn't we? Yes, we watched Mandy. And,
you know, I'll actually say that there was. And
it's probably because it's Nick Cage. But there
was the subtle level of discomfort that exists
in that movie kind of is present here as well.
Yeah, you're not wrong. It's a pretty uncomfortable
movie overall. Yeah, no, straight up. So you
get the honor of giving us a quick rundown of
the plot for this movie. Don't miss anything.
Admittedly, I go into this. And I'm like, hey,
you know, this is another Nick Cage straight
to streaming platform or possibly just straight
to DVD because I don't know how old this movie
is. 2017. 2017. It was a direct release, though.
Brought to us by our friends at Patriot Pictures.
Patriot Pictures. Well, I got to give it to them
because immediately out the gate, I think this
is like, you know, we're going to Steven Seagal's
here, you know, straight to DVD. We're like,
he's just in a freaking bar. And some young hot
chase just happens to sit next to them. And he's
like, I've got no business being anywhere near
you, but you are clearly about to make a move
on me. And I'm like, Oh God, here we go. But
they circumvented my expectations by nothing
coming from that whatsoever. Yeah, it's true.
It just serves to prove that she's the town.
Other than that, he knows that she's a nice girl.
Yeah. That's what she's known for. Her manners.
I just want to like from from the word go him
meeting her in the bar seven months before everything
happens is somehow weirder than if he was just
like a loose cop on the edge who was sick of
crime in his city. Yeah. Like him having that
like one previous like connection with her just
makes it so much more like uncomfortable and
insidious his like his role in this film. You
have to think about what led up to that moment,
too, because I did skip some stuff on purpose
because what we're not talking about, we are
now. But this guy's cop, the opening scene is
him just doing gun practice. I expected him to
do a behind the back shot at a certain point
because Dool was hitting 100 percent in the market.
I'm like, oh, God, like he's a marksman. He can't
miss. He's going to kill everybody in the neighborhood.
Everybody knows that the real elites are vets
of the Gulf War. Gulf War vet. elite of the elite
i guess that was supposed to be implied by the
fact that he had excellent trigger control like
he had great trigger uh discipline that's what
they call it trigger discipline um because they
did the thing where like the uh the target turns
to the side and you're just like don't shoot
at the target when it's turned sideways like
if anybody's turned sideways don't shoot them
my first three notes from the beginning of this
film the copaganda is strong niagara falls the
most dangerous city and big man bigger gun Huge
gun has the dirty, hairy pistol. I do love in
that scene where he's shooting the targets. He
starts off with like a tiny little like snub
nose and then immediately picks up the giant
gun. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He goes through the whole
gamut of guns. Why do you think Nick Cage likes
being a cop so much? Because he doesn't like
the consequences of his actions. I would say
it's because he hasn't perfected the art of acting
as a cop yet because he's done like the full
gamut of. kind of cops you could be in a movie.
He's been a lot of cops. He's been the meter
maid. He's been a parking attendant, hasn't he?
Nicolas Cage is the meter maid. Was he ever a
parking attendant? Fuck. I swear he was a traffic
cop in one of these movies. I think we're thinking
of It Could Happen to You where he was just a
beat cop. Maybe. Was that the one with the lottery
ticket? Yeah, in Wicker Man he was a chips cop.
Wicker Man. Then he was a Boston cop in Sorcerer's
Apprentice. A couple of times. Yeah, a couple
of times. A New Orleans cop in Bad Lieutenant,
Port of Call, New Orleans. He was a fireman.
That doesn't count in 9 -11. Because firemen
are cool. A detective in the Frozen Ground. That
came up just last night, I think, actually. In
terms of cops he's played, I would argue this
is the worst cop he's played. it's definitely
the nothingness define define what yeah he basically
isn't a cop he just gets to have a gun this is
the worst cop he's played in that he openly ignores
violent crime so he can later kill people that
sounds pretty cool he sounds like a seattle cop
one cat hanging and then when dude gets uh his
head smashed through a car window just we'd have
the excuse to shoot the guy a second later Yeah.
So, OK, fair warning for anybody. This movie
is about a this movie is about a brutal sexual
assault witnessed by a 12 year old girl and also
a animal murder and also a bunch of human murders.
But they're bad guys, so it's OK. Right. It's
got Don Johnson. Yeah, man, I just that. bro
so i have a note i have a note on that where
i'm like has don johnson ever played a character
that wasn't a piece of shit oh i was thinking
has don johnson ever played somebody who isn't
hella cool johnny miami vice miami vice he was
kind of like he's a he's a still a miami cop
you know yeah which i mean let's be upfront cops
are pieces of shit but with that sick ass oversized
blazer You know he was definitely partaking of
the freaking evidence though, right? There's
no way they're cruising around like that 24 -7
like, I can't live without my bump, bro. Come
on. Let's go bust these bad guys. I got a real
itch. We got to go. We got to thwart some crime
today. I think that and like Nash Bridges were
the only time he was like a good guy. I forgot
about Nash Bridges. Nash Bridges, bro. There
you go. OK, so let's see. So it starts off Nick
Cage. He's driving with his buddy, his cop buddy,
who makes the initial mistake of explaining that
he's going to propose to his wife or his hopefully
soon to be wife. You're dead. I just love how
so much of this movie was taken in like initial
shots, just like the guy pulling out the ring
and he pulls it out upside down and like has
to flip the box around. It's like, yeah, that's
good enough for this take. We're not going to
get back to this guy ever again. No, his partner
definitely had I had two weeks to retirement
vibes written all over him. Yeah. I don't understand
why he was being so cold to him in the first
20 seconds. He's like, hey, bro, do you want
some of these snacks I'm eating? And he doesn't
even verbally just respond to him. He doesn't
even look at him. Like Nick Cage is like completely
disgusted by his partner. I can't believe you
eat that shit, bro. You deserve to die. So he
dies. Oh, and Nicolas Cage, why does he die?
But like the ring falls out of his pocket or
whatever. And Nick Cage tucks it back in. Like
what a fucking worthless thing to capture on
film. This is so stupid. So Nick Cage and his
partner are trying to track a criminal in a neighborhood.
The guy's like walking to his car. They like
just speed up on him. The guy gets in his van
and I'm pretty sure they ram him. Like the thing
guy pops out of, are you saying cops are bad?
A hundred percent. He's playing the worst cop
in his career. I did not realize, I didn't realize
till later on in this film, what side of Niagara
falls this took place on. So I'm like, this is
a lot of like, this is a lot of guns for Canada.
Oh yeah. No, straight up. Like I was like, damn,
this is freaking dirty out there. I'm never going
to Canada. They call this a door spotlight. All
right. This is, this is going to paint me in
a bad light, which is why I asked my, why I asked
fields on this, uh, podcast, because we only
get the partner in the beginning of the film.
There's later another cop who is bald and has
melanin. And because they're about an hour apart,
I couldn't tell if they were the same person.
no he's married now it's great great i'm glad
he survived they just asked the actor to grow
a beard and play a second role it's like i don't
know we got you for like two weeks right nick
cage kills a criminal next scene hero cop in
a bar after three months of desk duty because
he got shot meets the girl tina with the dumbest
spelling ever The next so the next scene is seven
months later with Tina at her new boyfriend.
I didn't realize there was any shift in time
in this movie. I was just watching it and I was
like, this is just all happening immediately.
They did not do a good job. Yeah. Was there was
there any like last month and it was in like
April or whatever? So that was it was in September.
Like, yeah, that's right. The here thing was
in September. It had been three months and then
and then it was the 4th of July. This is not
the kind of movie that I. They shouldn't be asking
you to pay attention to the story. They should
be spoon feeding these kind of things to you
in this movie. There's no reason that I should
have to look at a newspaper to figure out what
day it is. Seven months later. Most of a pregnancy
later. Let's go. I legit thought it was all the
same day. I thought so too. like the way they
played that like it was all the same day this
dude's hard as fuck he just got shot and now
he's gonna go out here and just the interaction
the interaction that yeah exactly like the the
interaction that he has with tina in the bar
um i'll say i was surprised that it did not go
in the direction that it was obviously leaning
in and so i thought that was kind of nice and
you know sweet of the um director or the writers
to be like yeah you know we're not gonna make
this it's not that kind of story you mean they
weren't gonna shoehorn a backseat handy into
this movie you'd assume based on the title that
tina and nick cage's character would uh be the
colon a love story of this movie it's not I think
the love story is about shooting bad guys. After
the 4th of July party, Tina walking her daughter
home, trying to bond over their shared trauma
over losing Tina's husband. What is the daughter's
name? Bethy? Bethany? Bethel? Bethel? Her name
is Bethel, but they call her Bethy. Bethy, there
we go, yeah. Bethel. Bethel was the name of my
first car. Really? That's a car's name, bro.
I've never met a Bethel. It was a Nissan Quest.
It was a minivan. You bet it was. That's a total
Bethel. Absolutely. Bethel in the movie, totally
not car size, though. That's why it made it more
confusing that her mom was like, hey, let's take
this shortcut. The mom wants to walk her through
the park where she hung out as a teen. There
happened to be some... unsavory characters there
total shit bags yeah who who do a needless rape
what's needless about this scene is how long
it fucking goes on it is entirely it it verges
on torture porn it is gross it's unnecessary
it lingers on the maybe dead body of a pantsless
bloodied woman for way too long I want to, I
want to, I want to side note this by pointing
out that I started watching this movie at work
in the office. That's a weird flex. It's like,
Hey guys, I'm going to watch this. No headphones.
Nobody talked to me. No, I'm just saying like
when it started happening, I was like, I was
like, Oh man, they're really good. Oh, they're
really, they're really, they're really, Oh my
God, man. it's brutal i mean the girl she has
to watch the whole thing happen and that one
guy is like slamming on the the cage area that
she climbs into it's fucking anything with kids
in danger in particular always gets me like really
fucking angry and stressed out you know when
you started talking about slamming on the cage
i just thought uh cyrus the virus that was that
was not the energy that this scene brought at
all it was not yeah no the them bringing tina
into the boathouse by her hair they could have
just slammed the door there and that would have
been one a much more like powerful cinematic
piece it together what happened but no they they
go for it and they did not need to no it was
a lot of grotesque uh whatnot my note at this
point was man fuck this movie yeah i think the
only thing i got from that scene was just like
okay they're That's the kind of movie this is
going to be, right? This is what the producer
and director decided they would put on film.
And the thing that bothered me about it was that
then I tried to like, it's hard to say, right?
Like you watch a lot of SVU and I felt like I
was watching the extended episode of SVU after
that. That's a great way of putting it. Yeah.
It's got its court part. It's got its like crime
part. It's got the cop shit. Yeah, it's. it feels
like that, but way too long. It felt like they
left the rape scene in because they needed to
pad out the minutes on the film. They like, they're
like, Oh, we promised we'd get it over an hour
32. And here we are like an hour 30. Well, back
when fields and I were, uh, when back when fields
and I used to hang out with Kevin at my, uh,
my place when I was 19. Yeah. 19 year old, give
a 19 year old house. See how that, uh, winds
up. But, uh, we used to be, uh, Kevin and I used
to like, watch rescue me on dvd which had added
sexual content which just meant more side boob
um this feels like an episode of svu with added
sexual content like they'd straight up we're
just like well since we're on hbo guys let's
go for it here's a little more side boob okay
yeah so then um bethy you know identifies the
creepos and they round them up uh then we get
introduced to the creepos parents which uh one
of my favorite characters from this movie is
the dad who just he's a total piece of shit but
also has some of the funniest lines to me and
his reactions to everything are just like so
perfect this guy looks just like the singer for
iron maiden bro you're not wrong that's i was
like what the hell he also was in a movie with
uh he was in a movie with cage we just watched
recently uh he played that guy sideburns um in
uh seeking justice the guy pierce one oh really
the guy who didn't have sideburns wasn't he like
bald headed or something sideburns was bald and
he was exactly he had no sideburns at all and
he just had his nickname was sideburns um but
yeah that dad there's the lawyer scene where
they're talking to don johnson and He's like,
OK, it's going to cost this much money. They
got to put up their house, whatever. And the
dad is like, OK, so wait, we pay you twice because
it's two sons. But they're charged with the same
crime. So one story, like a woman has two babies.
They ain't twice as much work. She does the same
thing for both. That's why she's got two tits,
right? That was brilliant. I also want to say,
like, they get the lawyer recommended to them
through their priest. Yeah. Creepy priest, too.
this lawyer is recommended by the priest because
this is the lawyer the Vatican calls when they
have trouble. Undertone, this is the lawyer they
call for child rape. He seems like a bad guy.
Yeah, they're all bad guys. There's a ton of
good stuff going on here, right? Like a ton of
people just making an honest living. Don Johnson's
court scene is the most just like, one, he would
have been kicked out immediately because like,
he keeps walking behind the desk, behind the
daughter, like when he's giving his open statement
and like, the actual like prosecutor is like
you know objecting to all this shit and the judge
is like that's fine he's a good old boy he can
like creep on the 12 year old during his opening
statements oh my god man i was i was actually
pissed about that but okay so you're right the
courtroom stuff is so funny to me because also
it's like they suddenly are in a trial like for
no reason well because it was supposed to be
just the arraignment where she identifies them
but John Johnson like finagles it to be like
the opening statements to try and get power.
But he's also good old friends with the judge.
So we're supposed to see we're supposed to see
that every level of the process is corrupt. Like
they paint Tina as a whore because she's a widow
and, you know, has had some boyfriends over the
years. The whole thing is disgusting. Like it
really upset me. It is. And one of the things
I was like, OK, so the rapist is sitting there
like. on display and as tina's walking up to
be put into the the stand he goes tina tina it's
like what the fuck are you doing dude yeah is
that not intimidating to witness like what are
we talking about it's being a super ass creep
yeah also so and the defense attorney says that
there's no lack of dna evidence so the defense
attorney's like yeah They all had sex with her,
but she sold herself to them and then raised
the price afterwards that attacked them. So they
were defending themselves by beating her to near
death. That's more than like self -defense. It's
more than self -defense. And so they actually
did something that was very subtle, but I like
that they did it because even though it looked
like they had. the gallery on their side and
they were likely going to get the jury on their
side about the rape stuff the assault side was
indefensible they were probably going to eat
three years on that that's something that they
brought up later on when they were talking about
cutting a deal and avoiding the actual trial
portion because he was just like because don
johnson's character told them straight up like
look guys this goes to jury you're probably still
going to eat shit on this you know right there's
probably something like they did too much you
know they're roughed up a little too much Right.
And there's there's always the chance at a jury
trial that they're going to go the wrong way
for you. Exactly. Exactly. And I think he based
on the fact that, you know, she was a very sympathetic
witness. So I had to watch this movie and starts
and stops because the court scene, like the rape
scene was just gratuitous. The court scene just
upset me so much because the judge clearly doesn't
care about what's happened, like is just. outwardly
rude to tina and then when don johnson's giving
his big opening statement and the whole gallery
starts clapping and cheering and standing up
the judge doesn't call order and only calls order
when tina has a mental breakdown a mental breakdown
yeah that judge sucks so it's just like this
whole thing was just disgusting so we're supposed
to see how this like is flawed on every level
so it requires like nick cage take things into
his own hands but It doesn't ever build on that.
Like every, no, every 15 minutes, like the tone
of this film kind of changes. That's, that's
a good way to put it. And this is what I was
talking about post rape scene where the tone
dramatically tried to shift back to, well, this
is what we were dealing with earlier. You know?
I mean, the fact that after it's over, Nick Cage's
character just happens to be driving along the
road where this occurred. Right. Yeah. The circumstances
of that. Finds Bethel, right? Like, it's just
like, what are we doing? Like, what kind of movie
is this? Well, and then, so later, Tina gets
brought home, gets brought home, is recovering,
well, to her mom's place. Her mom's a piece of
shit. Yeah, she sucks. But Bethy gets home, is
looking for the cat. One of the criminals kills
the cat and hangs it on her front porch for Bethy
to see. Yeah, that was fucked up. Nick Cage drives
by, is a cop, drives by, sees the car, pull away.
There has to be a restraining order at this point.
Pull away, drives by, sees the hanging cat and
little girl doesn't stop. Doesn't pull that guy
over. This is why I say he's actively ignoring
their crime so he can murder them later. When
it was like, it's all, it's just, it's all uncomfortable.
It is. It's, it's weird. Am I tripping or was
that all the same day? Like he literally just
left the house after bringing. no because she's
coming home from a thing school the time the
time frame and it's very choppy it's jumped around
a lot it jumped around so but he just happened
to be there right and he's wearing like the freaking
leather jacket like staking the house out for
whatever reason and then sees the guy do that
I do like how he gets a crime jacket when he
decides to take the matters into his own hands.
I had a note where I said, how come he's dressed
like Ghost Rider now? Like, what the hell? For
vengeance. Vengeance, excuse me. Yeah, exactly.
Spirit of vengeance, dog. Okay, so Tina, in her
meltdown, like, is like, I'm gonna kill myself.
She just is standing on the edge of Niagara Falls.
Can people just stand on the fucking edge of
that thing? Can you just like guardrails? Right.
You would think there would be, if nothing else,
a little basic ass guardrail. Cause like, obviously
this comes into play later for the vengeance.
Um, but like, I just was looking at that. I was
like, that seems really unsafe. I jumped into
Niagara falls. You know what? I thought about
that. I was watching that scene and they did
the shot of her looking down into it. And I flashed
back to that Superman scene where the kid just
fucking falls into the waterfall. Yeah. Oh yeah.
I'm just like, yeah, that could happen. But Superman
took place in the 70s. Yeah, well, they didn't
care about seatbelts, right? Yeah. Makes sense.
Niagara Falls is hard like that, though. Hard
as hell, man. Like, I had no idea that it was
so hood in Niagara Falls, man. Oh, yeah, the
city? Man. Bro, Bethel gets ran up on in the
ice cream shop? Like, what the fuck? Dude, that
girl, like, fucking, what an asshole. Wow. Well,
during the opening credits, all, like, the, like,
gangs run amok, like. Of Niagara Falls, the most
dangerous city in America. That has taken over.
That's right. Thank God for cops, right? Okay,
so then we get introduced to my second favorite
character, one of the sleazeballs, which all
of them look like fucking, you know, close -up
magicians. One of them gets murked off real quick.
I don't think we have to talk about it that much.
Nick Cage immediately shoots him in the head.
He's dead, whatever. But then the other two brothers,
one of them's getting a tattoo. And he's my favorite.
He's got this little fucking braided... He's
played by Rocco Nugent. Great name, too. He's
got this braided, like, rat tail in the front
sort of thing. He's getting a tattoo of a piece
of pie. Well, he's getting words and he wants
pie over it. Right, because one year he had birthday
pie. Yeah, one year he had birthday pie. Which
isn't a sex thing. It's from his mom. Given that...
Given that boy is like everything might be might
be a sex thing. It might have been a sex thing.
Yeah. But he's the scene makes it really feel
like the tattoo artist is just freestyling the
tattoo on him, just like kind of hand drawing
with the tattoo machine. She definitely was because
he was describing the pie to her. She was like,
yeah, I dig that. Yeah, I know. I know how to
draw pie. Don't worry. I do like that. Like they're
really trying to like give the tattoo. uh parlor
like a real ambiance of like scuzzitude and like
seediness and even like the other tattoo artist
is walking through the room when the one brother
goes to like give him a fist pump oh yeah oh
yeah piece of shit we all know you did that shit
don't get out of here don't touch me i was like
yeah that old man's cool so then then older brother
marvin gets a call about like oh we got some
evidence on tina proving that she's a slut so
he brings other brother pie brother uh out to
niagara falls is his name lloyd yeah i also like
in that scene lloyd uh he's smoking a joint or
something he drops in his lap ah my dick i almost
burned my dick off burn my dick off like by the
way that was definitely meth glass piping so
they get there and uh and cage's truck is just
kind of sitting there but there's nobody in the
truck this scene this scene is it's interesting
right it's a good scene there there's there's
not a lot of places to hide out there like it's
just an open area and the waterfalls right yeah
and this fucking guy nick cage batman's and what
is way behind them where was he hiding what the
hell was he he wasn't in the truck he just He's
just behind you, surprised, motherfucker. Like,
what the hell? How? He, like, walks up. He blasts
Lloyd so fucking good. Yeah. Blast Lloyd. Lloyd
goes over the falls. Drops the gun he shoots
Lloyd with. Then shoots. Yeah. Then shoots Marvin
with. With Lloyd's gun? I get. That's what I
thought. Like, in the leg. And then when Marvin's
on the ground, shoots him twice in the chest
and once in the head. And my assumption was he
took. Lloyd's gun to like have them like make
it look like those two shot each other. But no,
he kicks them both over the falls. And the news
is reporting that they found the truck on the
falls and they fled into Canada. Yeah, right.
Which I mean, that that actually makes sense
as a storyline, you know. But this is what this
is where this breaks down for me. So he's doing
all these killings. The first killing he did,
he did in public and he did it as self -defense
as a cop because. the uh shithead brandished
a knife uh right and gets off on it which i like
how they actually explained that where he had
to like yeah go and talk to other cops and clear
him oh it's ib yeah internal affairs yeah yeah
he kills the other two guys and then we get to
the and then we get to the fourth guy he kills
all these people for these two women But they
don't know that. None of them know that, but
they're so grateful to him for all he's done
when he's done, as far as they're concerned,
absolutely nothing, except fine Tina initially.
Right. Fine Tina. I mean, the only one that they
can confirm they killed was obviously the first
guy you mentioned. Yeah. The other guys just
keep disappearing, essentially. And then one
kills himself. Kills himself. Because Nick Cage
has him write a suicide note. right and by the
end of the movie they seem to have figured that
out somehow or something right like accuses nick
cage of it and then walks out of the best exit
ever Which I just assumed was Don Johnson's actual
motorcycle, and he just left the set. He's like,
I'm done, and just drove away, and they caught
it on camera. Or it was in his rider. That is
one of the single best bits of comedy I've seen
in a long time, because comedy is defined as
subverting expectations. Yeah, no helmet, nothing.
I was on a Harley after leaving a courthouse.
And there's like, and the thing was, there was
no buildup to that. Like we didn't know if he
drove cars or rode Harleys and, you know, and
this is a theme and that's not the entirety of
the movie, but just. Yeah. Rocket man, go for
it. You know, the Harley and right off into the
sunset. You heard it, you know, like what? Like,
see you guys later. I got to go defend some more
child rapists. Hop on my heart. I legitimately
thought that there was going to be one more vengeance
situation. And I thought we were going to end
up seeing him like. I thought that Nick Cage
and his partner were going to go report to a
scene of an accident and it was going to end
like because they get called at the end. It's
like, oh, there's something we got to go do.
Oh, it's going to be he's going to be dead. His
motorcycle fucking blew up sugar in the tank.
You know, whatever. Nope. This movie does exactly
what it says it's going to do and then ends.
It's like Nick Cage gets vengeance movie over.
like no maybe maybe he finds love i don't know
no that's exactly what happens because the colon
a love story is the last tacked on scene of the
movie where they're saying goodbye to nick cage
through a chain link fence and the little girl
uh bethy says i love you and nick cage says if
i ever had a daughter i hope she grows up to
be like you that's the colon a love story in
this film turns out he loved the kid not the
mom i guess bethy and nick cage have five scenes
in this film uh tina and nick cage have four
or five scenes two of which tina is in a coma
they have no connection whatsoever like they
don't have a connection she threw pussy out of
my like in the first five yeah exactly that's
all you need he could have hit he could have
hit for sure he definitely could have hit that
which makes this So much creepier than it needs
to be. If they just had never met, if he only
like met the daughter first after the crime would
make so much more sense and be so much less weird,
man. I fucking hated that chain link fence scene
just because like from a, from a filming perspective,
it's like, this is a sensitive moment and you're
just like blocking one person's face, either
shot, like with a fucking tight cop chain link
fence, like fuck that. Most of this movie is
like fairly well filmed. Fairly well shot. Like
everything is pretty decent overall for like
a pretty low budget movie. That's one of those
where I was like, what is this DP doing? Like,
what the fuck were you thinking? That doesn't
make any sense. Is it just so they could have
that moment where you can put the fingers through
the fence and she can put her fingers through
the fence? Is that it? Probably. I would say
that was supposed to be a big payoff moment because
they actually filmed that little sequence very
well. And you could kind of catch the emotion
on that. The only problem was, was that it felt
undeserved as hell. yeah if somebody did a bunch
of like unrequested murders for you and then
like at the end of a long week you like catch
up with them how do you feel about that like
generally like like you personally would you
be like oh man that's that's so cool of steven
to just fucking knock off all those guys i'm
so glad steven murked off all those people exactly
the same situation one time you know somebody
messed with my haircut those motherfuckers you
take care of that same thing right also they're
moving to california that's the the the end of
their stories that they're just going to california
and they'll be happier here right which i'm like
why like what is in california For someone who
has gone through what Tina has gone through.
I mean, maybe better health care, better psychiatric
services. Sure. But I don't know what the population
of Niagara is. It's probably not that big. So
it might be nice to go someplace else. Possibly
it will be a little more anonymous because it's
clear it could not be anonymous in Niagara Falls.
Right. I'm pretty sure everybody knows everybody.
They all showed up to that hearing and they're
like, yeah, we all know that whore. Fuck that
bitch. I'm like, what the? Those boys are innocent.
They never raped anybody, at least unless they
didn't. You can't rape the willy, which is basically
the whole story. Totally normal faces. That judge
was a piece of work. Yeah, make that bitch take
off her sunglasses. He was a piece of shit. That
judge is one of the biggest villains. So this
is one of my biggest complaints about the movie
is that they keep presenting information to us
and then dropping it and then not setting up
further information. So the judge is probably
the most like the biggest offender in my opinion,
because you go into this whole courthouse scene
and everything throughout the movie has been
kind of presented as is, you know, like this
is just. Niagara Falls this is this person's
life going awry because she got raped and her
dealing with it which I will say for portraying
a rape survivor they did a pretty good job on
that like I think I did believe absolutely going
through it as a rape survivor and it sucked to
watch and it was actually pretty compelling so
going from nailing that portion to suddenly hey
we're in kangaroo court everybody's fucking corrupt
everybody's on the take we're not going to explain
it but both the lawyer the the defense lawyer
and the judge and you're not going to figure
that out until maybe this weird interaction maybe
20 minutes later yeah and this happens over and
over again where things just happen and then
was that supposed to mean something like was
i supposed to catch something from that that's
all the stuff that was cut for time the Just
remember, it was only the rape scene that was
added back in to flesh it out. Yeah, that was
the only thing not cut for time. Oh, my God.
I know this is probably the wrong place to insert
this exact thing that I absolutely hated about
this movie, but I know Peter had the exact same
thought with me. Grandma's kitchen, the giant
wall -sized portrait of Jim Morrison. What's
going on with that? Fuck the doors. Fuck the
doors is right. How is she so judgy? She's so
fucking judgy. I know. Your daughter just got
fucking raped and like be sensitive. Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God. They're like, what a fucking bull
in a china shop. Yeah, she was terrible. Fuck
that lady. Yeah. And then like, so, you know,
I feel bad. Also, the the boyfriend, I can't
remember his name, but he essentially. His only
crime was trying to get her to stay over later
than she probably needed to do. And then offering
to drive her home. Right. And that's it. She's
like, fuck you. You should never come near us
again. And he's like, what the hell? And for
his troubles, he gets a header through his window.
The other crime that Nick Cage outright ignores
so he can like murder somebody. Yeah, like I
don't get where this guy is. Like, is there any
just where's the vengeance for him? You know?
Oh, OK. This is way out of cycle for the entire
thing. But one of the things in the courtroom
that I just stuck in my craw is like, OK, so
they said that they were at this this Fourth
of July party and she was drunk. They had what
did they say it was? I actually wrote that down.
i wrote this down like 11 bottles between seven
people or some shit like that they drank they
drank five kegs of beer between 19 people which
is 43 beers each and i said when i heard that
out loud i had to write it down because i said
it out loud i was like only five kegs we should
put that down at the bob cave and it was like
five of us five kegs for five people yeah one
keg a piece there you go exactly Kevin's 21st
birthday, we got our first group keg in my kitchen.
That later gets moved into my bathroom because
I'm 19 and have a house and the parental units
come and check on me occasionally. The day after
the party, I get a knock on my door and it's
Fields and our friend Sal, both with their hands
behind their backs, being like, oh, just... Coming
to say you're doing just stopping by. Is that
keg still here? I'm like, yeah, you guys want
to come in? And they both pull out steins from
behind their back. We woke up the next day and
we were just like, you think he's still got the
keg? Of course he's still got the keg. I got
the keg. Those are good times. Oh, man. Well,
shit. Okay, so actually we have done. A surprising
amount of talking about this movie, which I did
not think we were going to do. But a new segment
that we've added in is called Sean in 60 seconds,
where we give Sean a soapbox to just talk. Voice
all the things that need to come out of Sean.
I have timed this and I'm going to see if I can
do it. I got it down to like one second to go.
Let me let me see if I can get my timer out.
You start talking and I will hit my timer. All
right, Donnie. Nick Cage sneers in the background
of another soulless revenge thriller, this time
playing loose cannon detective John Everyman,
whose only character trait is that he's a loose
cannon detective. After meeting local widow Tina
at a bar, immediately jump ahead seven months
to them having never spoken again. Tina survives
a horrific sexual assault in front of her 12
-year -old daughter, a scene that is so gratuitous
it verges on snuff porn. When the law fails these
women, John takes it upon himself to avenge them
by openly ignoring violent crimes that would
likely get the criminals put away for a long
time so he can play Timo Punisher. In 141 minutes,
the two leads have all of five scenes together.
two of which Tina has been beaten into a coma.
The movie itself swings wildly in plot and tone
throughout, so if you find yourself getting bored,
just give it 10 minutes. Every attempt at an
emotional beat is forced and completely unearned.
The only real emotional response this film got
out of me was the anger and disgust for the needless
prolonged rape scene, Don Johnson's sleazy lawyering,
and actor Rocco Nugent's terrible rat tail. So
unless you love wasting your precious life or
just hate women, I would steer clear of this
one. Failed. Five seconds too long, Sean. I'm
going to cut you dead at one minute. So right
at. So right at unless you unless you love wasting
your precious life or just hate women. Stop.
Yeah. Yep. You got it. I would say that was,
you know, that that was pretty close. That was
that's within. That's that's pretty good. Not
too bad. OK, Nick, final final thoughts on this
sucker. I ended up liking it a lot more than
I thought I was going to, mostly because it just
ends. It doesn't like belabor anything. It's
like, oh, this movie, it is what it is. And oh,
good. It's over. Like they didn't drag it out.
So I will say for myself, it is surprisingly
well shot, surprisingly well acted. The girl,
uh, Bethy is probably the best actor in this
movie. Good kid actor. Yeah. And she might be
the best in the movie. You're right. Yeah. It's
shockingly well shot. Um, despite how it treats
Tina from like the court side of things, like
they do actually handle, despite showing the
rape, they actually do handle it with some grace
and like show her as like more of a fully, like
as a tragic figure more than I thought they would.
So I will give them credit for that. It is. a
tight 141 like it's not it's not so bad it's
good and it's not so terrible it's blah but it
is a lot of it is unnecessary yeah and you know
uh to to speak to the tina of it all like um
you know we don't really know a lot about tina
we don't get a lot of that story and so like
for all we know tina could just be a hoe i think
that's possibly what the takeaway is from her
character And I think this movie is more about
her than it is about Nick Cage, despite the fact
that it kept trying to make it about Nick Cage.
Well, you know nothing about him. We learned.
He's a Gulf Storm vet. That's it. Yeah, we know.
They literally, they tell us in a quick 30 second
segment, oh, he got a purple heart, huh? Guy's
good. He's good at getting shot. When writing
that little ramble, I couldn't remember Nick
Cage's name, but I wanted to use the joke John
Everyman. I'm like, let me see what his actual
name is on IMDb to see if this joke works. And
he's only credited on IMDb as John. As John.
Because she's a prostitute. Because she's a prostitute.
Just another John. We're going to have to watch
this movie again now. With that in mind. I did.
I clearly was not watching it the correct way.
Next time watch it on a plane. Yeah. Absolutely.
That's how Nick likes to watch the most uncomfortable
of Nick Cage movies. Generally. Headphones off
on a plane. If you guys mind, I gotta watch this
scene real quick. I'm gonna get an IOC and I'm
just gonna watch this real quick. I would say
the biggest problem that happened to this movie
because it has a lot of good ideas. I think it
attempts some stuff that is all right. I don't
hate it for trying, but I feel like in the moments
where they wanted us to accept implied information,
they never actually implied anything. The fact
that Tina's the town whore was something I didn't
realize until the court scene, because there
had been no interactions with anybody in town
up until that point. Well, Fields, you see, she
was wearing a shirt with no bra. oh yeah look
at look at what she's wearing the bartender kind
of like sets the stage or whatever there's just
a lot of jesus christ i think i think in that
case i read that more as like oh she's a widow
and she's out here trying to rebuild her her
social life which is you know he wasn't it wasn't
colored with malice you know like the intent
wasn't ill when he was telling uh john uh about
tina he was just saying yeah that chick's probably
gonna you know go home with somebody the night
because she's always about having a good time
since her husband died right um i never really
got the vibe that the whole town fucking hates
tina like well by the end of the movie the court
scene where it's like oh shit the entirety of
niagara yeah i do like how the two brothers who
are clearly in their like 20s still share a bedroom
Yeah, that was pretty great. They didn't have
Jim Morrison on the wall, though. It didn't have
Jim Morrison on the wall. It ain't much of a
house, but it's all they got, okay? At least
they had. They had it. Dude, the fact that the
dad's like, bro, we sold our house for these
dumbasses. Come on. That dad was so sick of their
shit. He knew. He was him. He said three years,
I think that's all. He's like, three years is
pretty good considering. I will agree. I do want
to agree with Fields, though. This movie did
attempt a lot of things and it tried to attempt
them well. The problem isn't with the subject
matter as much as it is the execution. Yeah.
Yes. I think that sort of falls down a lot of
the play. This fell into that pocket of his movies
where he's just sort of like ham -faced and,
you know, it came out and he's a name on it,
but nobody went and saw it. Ham -faced. That
is the most amazing description of that level
of Nick K. Jackson. Just the half -lip sneer
that he has the entire time. so like this thing
it must have been a direct to streaming or close
to it because it's like box was $73 ,000 or something
like that it played in a couple theaters for
a couple people and that's it and it feels like
one of those it actually feels like a higher
quality version than that but you know it does
feel like that for sure But yeah, next up, we've
got inconceivable, which I read one review of
because, again, it's in the same pocket of like
not great Nick Cage movies. And the review was,
if you enjoy only very well written and directed
realistic movies with real twists, stay away
from this one. So, yeah, something good for us
to look forward to. Yeah, nice. Anyway, if you
are interested in supporting us, we are on Patreon.
Thank you to our Sparkle Buddies, Josh, Josie,
Matt, Adam, Bill, Stuart, and Willow. And to
our Cage Dancers, John, Freeman, Nathan, and
Cameron. And if you are in the Seattle area next
month, April 11th, we will be doing a showing
of Prisoners of the Ghost Land at a local theater
here. So come join us. It should be very fun.
It's a great, weird -ass movie from Patriot Pictures,
apparently. Yeah. Is that all the details? Like,
we're going to watch a movie at a local theater.
And we're not going to tell you which one. Also,
it's at the Beacon Cinema. This is no secret.
It's no secret where we're doing this. You don't
have to be in or cool. Yeah, we want people to
show up. You should show. You can find it. Just
knock down the doors of every local theater.
You need the cool judge handshake if you want
to come see this movie. Every low -budget, hole
-in -the -wall theater. Yeah. Ooh, I'll wear
it. This is an appropriate movie for me to wear
one of my jumpsuits. Oh, the one with the testicle
bombs on it? It feels very jumpsuit -y. Can we
put testicle bombs on the balls? I don't. Please
don't. All right. Thanks, Fields. Of course.
Anytime, guys. You got anything coming up, Fields?
You want to plug? Oh, yeah. Plug away. Well,
it is tournament season. If anybody that is listening
to this is an FGC aficionado and they're following
various events that are happening around the
world i'll be at texas showdown uh in houston
texas this march 25th till march 31st and then
i'll be in las vegas for vegas climax from april
2nd to april 6th i believe and then i'm gonna
be possibly in japan for evil japan and first
weekend of may i don't have a date for that yet
and then chicago at the end of may memorial day
weekend for a and then vegas again in the end
of june 25th for evo and i think i'm done after
that maybe hell yeah yeah cool thanks for being
here thanks for listening everybody and we'll
see you next time nick looking so damn cozy is
got is really throwing me off my game I'm kind
of jealous. You know what? That's it. Pants are
coming off. I'm going to drink all their coffee,
too. I'm going to drink all their coffee because
I don't have any alcohol in this room, weirdly
enough. But yeah, I'm just going to drink all
of it. How lame. Yeah, Pete's going to be real
upset in the morning. How's that Canadian coffee?
It's, you know, fine. It's not like a Keurig,
but it's, you know, a Keurig. It's cheap. It's
free in the room. A Keurig? No, that's nothing.
Boo. I appreciated the attempt, but...