Oh, God. Oh, my God. You play a play a play thing?
I do. I play viola. Oh, neat. You play a play
thing? Yeah, you play a play thing? Yeah. That's
pretty cool. I don't play a plaything. No. I've
got no talents for playing. I only work a plaything.
Not even piano or guitar? Talking about Crank
and Hog. Talking about Crank and Hog. Yeah. I
work a plaything. I'm going to also renege. Yeah.
Absolutely. You've got to have a Nazi punk skill.
It looks so good. It looks so good, doesn't it?
It's crisp, yeah. Yeah. I'm a little sad that
we weren't able to celebrate your birthday with
fried chicken and sparkling wine. I know. There
was a part of me that... That's Nick Cage's favorite
meal. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's his birthday
meal, right? Birthday for Christmas. What was
it? For him, champagne. But for us, sparkling
wine. How far does he go on the champagne? Does
he get something fancy? I mean... I don't know.
It's from the Champagne region of France. The
whole story about it is like his dad would...
get that like that was like his dad's celebratory
thing it was like kfc sparkling wine it's funny
the pairing of like fancy beverage with like
not fancy chicken i love it so yeah unfortunately
i was uh sick on my birthday we were gonna watch
this and eat fried chicken and drink drink some
prosecco too bad we all missed out yeah yeah
and then we all got to enjoy this solo yeah unfortunately
sean you watch this hot and fresh right just
recently i watched this this morning ah there
you go yeah sean king uh what hold on wait there's
no like gender neutral gesture of procrastination
Yeah, I guess that's right. King of procrastination,
queen of procrastination. Both would be incorrect.
So I kind of like Jester. Yeah, you're the Jester.
You're the ass of procrastination. Sean, you
put the ass in procrastinate. In my defense.
Is there a defense for you? I had other shit
to do. Good defense. To be fair, I did not get
to it till yesterday either. I was going to look
up, but then forgot because I really didn't care.
if this was kind of around the same time as that
weird uh other set in the quote -unquote Far
East film starring Jackie Chan. It is. It came
out the exact same time. Are we talking about
Rush Hour? You're talking about Dragon Blade.
Oh, Dragon Blade. Which is a movie I've always
said I've wanted to see and have never put any
effort into actually trying to see. I legitimately
was contemplating watching that and then talking
mostly about that movie instead of this movie,
but I didn't get around to watching it. Yeah,
so it's Jackie Chan, John Cusack, and Adrian
Brody. was that wild yeah more white savior shit
yeah well I did so I did I did look up a bit
this is like an era where like China was trying
to get into the film industry a bunch so they
just were churning out these they were like hiring
a bunch of white actors to show up in these movies
and just try to boost their their film uh industry
yeah we gotta get that american market it's kind
of the equivalent of like hiring good voice actor
or sorry famous voice actors for kids animated
films it's oh but i think all these movies made
like a ton of money in china i don't think this
movie made any money i don't think so i don't
know i didn't know i didn't check that but the
box office it says it was 5 .1 million you know
what it's gonna do budget 25 million that's not
good It's going to do so much better than Melania,
though. Oh, my God. With their, what, $75 million
budget and $28 million went straight to her for
her life rights. Yeah, it's nice timing for Brett
Ratner's name to show up in the Epstein files,
too. Oh, of course, yeah. For our listeners at
home, this week we are discussing Outcast with
Hayden Christensen and Nicolas Cage. Yeah, not
Dragonblade. Not Dragonblade. Unfortunately.
Zero Nicolas Cage. Also, welcome back to Cage
Match, colon, a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas
Cage. I'm Sean, here with my co -host. I'm Nick.
And our producer. Nick. Peter, hello. This is
going to be a great recording. And our special
guest, Kyle. That's Kyle's voice. Yes, that's
me. Thanks for being here. Oh, yeah. Thanks for
inviting me. I'm a big fan of Nicolas Cage. The
au revoir of... Nicholas Cage. I'm sorry that
we only got you in for this. Yeah, I know exactly.
All the good movies left. You came to the finale
of The Doubleheader, right? I did, yes. Yeah,
that's awesome. What was it? It was Pig and Raising
Arizona. Both great films. What a terrific night.
What was your vote? I think I voted for Pig.
I'm pretty sure I voted for Pig. I thought it
was a more... The human response. Interesting
movie. I think it's illegal for you to ask him
that. Yeah, you can't ask who I voted for. God.
Let me look at your voting rolls. Show me your
asshole. How many spokes you got? No. Starting
strong. Oh, my God. In this interview clip, that's
kind of... constantly running on imdb right now
uh nicholas cage has a ponytail and it's amazing
oh yeah let's talk about his hair for a second
because it's bad oh man it's got is it a wig
it's gotta be of course it's a wig you know like
they tried to put on like some sort of ancient
ancient chinese haircut yeah on his head yeah
he went from full bird hair to like having a
like dreadlock weave going Now, which which hair
did you like better? Did you like his Crusades
hair or his Far East hair? Far East for sure.
Oh, yeah. The little top knot. Yes. Amongst all
of it. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. You got to blend
in, you know, blend in wisdom. His name is White
Ghost. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. This this movie commits
my biggest sin in any movie ever with the whole
like. character's hair never changing over the
course of many years because Hayden Christensen's
character has had that hair since he was seven.
To be fair, that hair rocks. Yeah, that's a tight
ass haircut. If you're a Nazi. No, that's not
Nazi hair. Just look at Greg Bovino or whatever
his name is. That's Nazi hair. That hair is great
if you're Greg Bovino is what I was about to
say. No, this is cool. Bovino would never have
a back part of his hair. Yeah, this is just wide
faux hawk. Yeah. Yeah. Right in my wheelhouse.
It's Viking hair. He's got Viking hair. I will
say I forgot I was watching Hayden Christensen
in this film because it wasn't he wasn't awful.
Oh, I was going to say I was acutely aware that
I was still watching Hayden Christensen because
he was awful. Yeah, I thought he was extra awful.
Just Anakin the whole time. The worst parts of
late stage Anakin just like looking. I wish that
he had given the weird like sand speech when
he was professing his love to that lady. You're
not dry and coarse like sand. I got to say, he
doesn't talk a lot in this film and I'm OK with
that. Oh, man, I just made Pete watch the the
blowjob girl video. Like, how dry do you like
it? Like sandpaper. Yeah. It's like my mouth
is full of sand. You've never seen it before.
I don't know that I've seen that. So we're going
to watch that right after that. It's an old,
isn't it called humor? Yeah. Old college humor
video. Oh, maybe I haven't seen this. It's really
good. It's Aaron from The Office. Yeah. Kimmy
Schmidt. Yeah. The Kimmy Schmidt girl. Weird
fun fact about my younger years. I dated her
cousin. Nice. Yeah. How dry does she like it?
Very dry. Yeah. I met her one time when I was
she was like a couple of years older than I am.
So I was 16 and she was 19 or something like
that. Yeah. So my first girlfriend, second girlfriend
in high school was a part of like weird debutante
bullshit. Oh, shit. Yeah. Weird. Kansas City
is a weird place, man. Yeah. Never been. I can
say I've never been to a debutante ball. Not
yet. Yeah, that's true. Not yet. That's how you're
going to find that bride. Can we get Kyle to
introduce himself? Oh, yeah. Who the fuck are
you? Why the fuck are you here? My name's Kyle.
I know Peter through his wife, playing a lot
of music together, and we've hung out a bunch.
I went to the last, the doubleheader thing. That's
honestly how the best people know Peter. Everyone
else is just shitbags like Sean and I. I'm an
accountant for a production company down in Hollywood.
They make movie trailers. That's fucking awesome.
Hell yeah. I mean, I don't really see the stuff.
Yeah. I don't watch the numbers. I mean, I see
the numbers, but I don't really see it. I see
people complain at me. Do you ever watch a trailer
and you're like, this costs that much? Yes. Are
you kidding me? Yeah. Well, and I worked in marketing
before, just like advertising for many years.
So I've just seen so much. And now, even though
I wasn't working in that space creatively, I've
just seen so much good stuff and really, really
bad, bad stuff. There's only the barest thread
of connection in this one. I have a buddy who
worked in the porn industry similarly -ish. He
was the numbers guy? He did data entry. Was he
the guy who drove the bang bus? No, he tracked
STDs. oh that's a good job i mean that's an important
job so he just did data entry on like when different
actors and actresses got like stds and treatments
and things like that and but like through his
work he was like yeah i get i can just like take
as much porn home as i want and it's it's kind
of i don't know i think it's run its course but
then when i was visiting his place i was like
oh you got one of those couches it's got a little
like armrest oh there's a secret handle oh no
there's just tissues and lotion i found your
spank spank tank or whatever uh it was just in
his living room yeah well he lived by himself
oh so i mean still in his living room excuse
yeah come on you gotta tuck it away a little
better yeah i mean it wasn't a hidden compartment
in the couch i'm just nosy so you did go looking
for it yeah i was like oh you're in the porn
industry yeah where's the good stuff So sorry,
I didn't mean to interrupt your story for my
terrible story. Okay, so the outline of this
movie, Outcast, I don't even remember the characters'
names. Jacob is Hayden Christensen. How often
do they say them? They say Jacob quite a few
times. I think he says Galane once to Nick Cage.
He says it twice. He does say it when he meets
him. I do remember that part. I never remembered
either of their names. And then, like, that's
probably pretty unimportant to the plot of the
story. White Ghost and White Monkey. Yeah, that's
what I called them. Right. And then there's Prince
Zhao and Princess Leon. And then... prince shing
was the dick bag which i assumed she'd have some
type of combat capabilities considering the king
was all like i entrust you to protect your brother
yeah and then she immediately gets a white guy
to do her fighting for her yeah well she protected
him through common sense because he was probably
not very bright he seemed a little a little dim
he always wanted to jump into the action that
wasn't that wasn't good for him he's like he's
brave yeah well every 12 year old's brave He
also got poisoned in that in that in the from
that one caravan lady. Oh, yeah. It's just like,
what are you drinking tea from this random lady
you just met? Jeez. Yes. It's not going to be
great. Had a pretty strong opium addiction. Yeah.
OK, so which is cool. Hayden Christensen and
Nicolas Cage are crusaders. I think that it opened
the film opens with them crusading somewhere
in the Middle East, basically. And Hayden Christensen
is like killing a bunch of people. And Nicolas
Cage is pissed. And he leaves. He wants to hang
it up. He wants to hang it up. He's pissed. I
was pretty impressed. I don't know. I was kind
of weirded out that he just kept following Hayden
Christensen. It's like, why are we killing people?
He's like, I'm just going to walk along behind
you and watch you kill people and silently judge.
It's like, what is even your relationship at
this point? It's like, oh, yeah, I figured at
the beginning I did write this note that it seems
like he's some kind of mentor. Or maybe a teacher
or something. I don't know. And that's all the
backstory you're going to get. Yeah, pretty much.
Kind of. Then the scene switches to three years
later in the Far East. I always love that when
they describe. anywhere in east asia it's the
far east exactly it's great the orient i'm going
to africa yeah i wish they would have just said
that the orient we've watched a couple of there's
we've watched two movies where nicholas cage
is a crusader now yeah two crusader uh season
of the witch yeah season of the witch but that
had ron perlman i was hoping for another mushroom
another toad helmet They go to the Far East.
And then I at this point, I didn't realize you
wouldn't see Nicolas Cage again for like an hour.
It's a long time. It's like a full hour. And
I was like, I thought this and I kind of checked
out. I had to watch this movie twice because
I kind of checked out while he was not on the
screen. Yeah. You joined the podcast for the
weird parts of Nick Cage's career. Yeah. Yeah.
But oh, but I bet he got paid a great amount
of money for this movie. to not be in it for
that long. At least $5 million. At least $5 million.
Right, exactly. Thank you, Sean. I would totally
do. Yeah. They show this old emperor, and he's
dying, apparently, from something. He didn't
look like he was dying. Yeah, he actually looked
pretty good. Pretty slow death. Yeah. He chooses
his younger son, though, who's like this timid
kind of emotional boy. Book boy. uh as the emperor
uh which is gonna piss off his older son who's
like this military commander and a dick and a
dick um he comes uh he gets a report that his
his older son is coming and he sends off his
uh daughter and the younger son away with this
seal i guess it's just yeah the royal seal yeah
it's like you're the emperor now if you have
this thing could you think that could be like
anybody anybody has that skill because look i'm
a peasant i'm now the emperor look at this tight
-ass seal i guess it's kind of like touching
tongues that makes it official it's true they
go they they escape and uh the older son comes
in and he murders the dad right I did make this
note. As they escape, there's this unnamed badass
monk. Monk was tight. That was awesome. He kicked
the shit out of them. And I love that he didn't
have a weapon. He didn't kill any of them. That's
true. He just beat the shit out of them. He should
have just sent the monk with him. Yeah, and then
he just got overwhelmed, which is kind of sad.
I kind of wish there was just more him. Yeah,
that would be cool. Let's see. They make it to
a tavern inn of some sort where you first meet...
hayden christianson character jacob yeah really
dumb hat uh at least it wasn't one of the like
uh the rice farmer hat yeah no that would have
been that would have been yeah it's definitely
a western hat yeah uh but he's he's in there
doing opium getting high on opium trying to deal
with his ptsd you know men will do anything but
go to therapy you know they'll go to the far
east just go to the far east get some opium baby
This movie taught me that people used to chew
opium. You didn't have to smoke it. You could
just chew it. Oh. That's what he was doing. He
was just like breaking off chunks and chewing
it. It looked kind of like black tar heroin.
Yeah. Yeah. It's usually like opium, like resin.
Oh. I did some reading. I was more interested
in how they were getting high in this movie.
Yeah. Fair enough. So he goes to the tavern.
The princess and the younger boy emperor. show
up to the tavern and they try to enlist him to
rescue immediately the fucking prince gets captured
because he's a dipshit yeah he's probably the
most known person in the in the country did they
not think about costuming well and i i had a
serious question at this point why not change
your your haircut yeah or your clothes or your
clothes any type of like face cover when they're
riding through the desert trying to get into
a city and hayden christian hides his face the
princess hides her face fucking prince the one
they're trying to fucking murder no hat not just
looks like a prince yeah but why would you want
to blend in with the peasantry gross they're
a bunch of fucking pores yeah ew uh hayden christian
He while he rescues them first from some the
Blackguard. Oh, yeah. OK, let's pause here for
a second, because who is your favorite Blackguard
character? Oh, the guy who quickly doesn't have
any eyes. Yeah, I like him. I like the guy with
the huge mace. Oh, yeah. I don't know if I had
a favorite. They were all very samey for me.
Yeah. uh the one i really liked in the final
scene when nick cage's fight not nick cage when
hayden christiansen's fighting like the usurper
emperor there's one blackguard in the background
who's clearly a woman in armor that's way too
big for her awesome i missed that the final extra
hired yeah yeah it's like nobody else wanted
to be in this film it just looked like a child
like a child in like in the armor it was just
it really stood out to me oh that's terrific
I'm going to have to rewatch this. I feel like
I need to rewatch it because I, I paid attention
and I missed, I feel like I missed so much like
little details, little interesting details like
that. So they go, he leaves, he leaves them there.
He's like, I don't want to help you. And then
I kind of, maybe I tuned out or I, I don't know
what happened. Yeah. But they end up in near
a river village and they're saving this girl
who. who i don't think i think she speaks once
here and then i don't remember her saying another
word except when they're getting kidnapped later
but she like becomes just an incidental character
yeah she's background she fills out yeah and
i was like when i first saw it i was like oh
she's gonna become the prince's little friend
maybe i don't know but that didn't happen future
empress yeah i don't know um casual town girl
also this is the scene where where hayden christian
shows off his warrior skills with a z uh where
he shoots he shoots a bow at this black guard
person has kidnapped the girl and he shoots he
shoots him from really far away as he's moving
and as i saw that i was like is that possible
that just seems so it's uh incredibly very fantasized
yeah uh the prince makes that like real boner
of a shot yeah he's like no let me he like restrings
a whole nother bow or whatever it's like they're
also also the the princess and the the young
son are like oh my gosh like so amazing it's
like wouldn't you think there'd be like warriors
in there their cadre who are just as good Or
better. I do like when he hits the guy, the horse
goes like, you know, ass over tea kettle. And
then the girl is drowning in all of six inches
of water. What drove me crazy about that scene
is then they leave and they don't take the fucking
horse. And then all of a sudden in the next scene,
they have like four goddamn horses. I mean, horses
are there. You know, there's all over the place.
They grow on trees. They jump on them. Yeah,
exactly. With a saddle. So the scene changes.
Now they're in a desert. I thought that was pretty
quick. Yeah, they could have. They could have
had a little bit more. Well, you know, China
is not that big of a country. All these different
biomes are just right next to each other. You
just move through. Yeah, it's like Minecraft.
Minecraft. Yeah. So they're now in a desert and
they're heading towards this this what seems
like a bandit. town or something yeah it's some
like off the like cb okay yeah no one's gonna
look for the prince in a shithole town yeah but
they bribe this caravan to to take them along
which okay i love how they that actress has all
of two lines that aren't overdubbed oh yeah that's
another thing to talk about there's so many lines
in this movie that are that are overdubbed that's
awful like it seems like most of hayden christiansen's
lines or dialogue is is overdone i think it is
yeah i mean i wouldn't be surprised if they had
to be like hayden we need to take you back into
the studio we'll do some fucking looping let's
let's can you enunciate like he was high on opium
though yeah oh yeah he was mumbling the whole
time we're just gonna put one shot on film but
we're gonna spend Why is it that when you have
a foreign language situation, every English speaking
person is British English? It's the proper English.
Well, because it's also old timey. Yeah, you
got to. Yeah, it just always pisses me off. Can
you imagine them speaking like in a really thick
southern accent, though? Well, I mean, Nick Cage
kind of does. What was Cage's accent in this?
I want Nicolas Cage to do Boston Cop in this
movie. Oh, yeah. I mean, it would have made as
much sense as anything else because he's sort
of like this British thing where it's like, we
don't have to do this anymore. Let's go up. Yeah.
I felt like he was trying to go Scottish. Like,
was this his attempt at a Scottish accent? I
don't fucking know. It was so bad. I would love
to hear his preparation for this. If he just
like, I'm just going to watch some some other
films and like imitate this. kind of i think
his preparation for this was he had to be on
set for three days yeah that's he got on an airplane
he did say in an interview is three weeks on
site oh i don't know what he was doing out there
that's a cool trip to china though opium that
does sound pretty nice yeah opium you gotta get
into character there were there were that's something
i did like about the movie the the scenes the
like the scenery was really beautiful like it's
very beautiful visually this movie is great the
costuming the like all all the visual stuff was
great yeah cinematography was good you know i
was thinking about the scenery a lot because
i was uh this movie made me think a lot of season
of the witch which is just another it's got really
good sets and scenery but it's so realistic that
it just kind of looks drab and gray and is not
interesting to look at realistic until the cg
comes in oh god the cg in that movie is so bad
but they did the practical effects on uh christopher
lee that looked gnarly i'm talking about setting
not like yeah yeah the cg part sucked but not
weird but i'm just talking about like you film
something that looks so real that it just kind
of drab and uninteresting whereas you film something
like this where everything's a little the colors
and everything's punched up a little bit and
it's much more interesting to look at and your
brain is like this is real Well, that's the difference
between like Europe and the Far East. Europe
is just wet and dark and gray. Yeah. And everything
that happens like it never rains in China. I'm
pretty sure of that. I did research. Yeah. Oh,
we're getting back to cage. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's
true. Yeah. We're all see where we're almost
there. So they go they go to the city. They sit
down. They do get stopped at the city gates.
The woman bribes them. I thought that was pretty
easy. And they're like real cops, basically.
You mean corruptible? Yeah, corruptible. Let's
see. This is where I said maybe this is a thin
blue line podcast, Kyle. Sorry, I didn't know
that. We love police here. Yeah, this is a cab.
All cops are beautiful. Oh, OK. I got you. I
got you. This is where I said, like, maybe they
should cut their cut his fucking hair because
the boy is not covering up at all. And it's also
where I said so. Yeah, they go to this. tea house
or whatever and this is where i said like maybe
don't be so trusting of this woman you just met
geez you know they took some drug like more opium
and yeah and took this drink some tea and then
obviously was drugged and then this is where
this is where nicholas cage comes in yeah so
the prince and the princess get kidnapped yes
and then unkidnapped no they get away yeah the
princess is like hey we gotta go they're fucking
coming for us and then hayden christiansen wakes
up and he's all like tied up or whatever and
then he takes on like what 15 20 different like
chinese soldiers and like mercenaries and he
like slices some dude's sword in half oh dude
he went on a fucking tear like i was like oh
my god are you fucking kidding me there's one
fucking crusader i mean he's a white guy though
yeah it's true he's got big white energy he's
got the power of the white man he just cleaved
through those swords Both Hayden Christiansen
and Nick Cage's fight scenes gave me really like,
nah, I have anti -sword shielding. Well, if there's
anything I've learned from my life in construction,
it's Chinese metal is inferior. So this is, yeah,
this is the reappearance of Cage. Who is the
actual white ghost? Yeah, the actual white ghost.
And now they're in a... Yeah, it's like a whole
cave system. It's like a bandit bolt hole. I
wouldn't call it an outlaw because he doesn't
want to be called that. That's right. It's like
an outlaw cave. Yeah. Sort of beautiful moment
where Nicolas Cage and Hayden Christensen sort
of, there's the scene that shows Nicolas Cage
teaching Hayden how to shoot a bow. That was
much earlier in the movie. It was much earlier.
Paralleled by Hayden Christensen teaching the
prince. Right, that's true. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
uh and that's where we see that first scene yeah
sorry uh and then um they kind of reconcile it
seems uh you know i think uh what do you say
he said he didn't kill any children that's kind
of all he needed i guess he's like oh you didn't
kill any kids okay oh yeah in the beginning cage
walked in after hayden christiansen had this
whole like interaction inside like back in the
the the middle east not the far east where you
know he went into this like uh like a mosque
or something and all the women and children were
there but like uh the the lady killed all the
kids and then like killed herself or something
and then nicholas cage showed up and thought
that hayne christiansen killed all the kids so
to be fair he did kill all the younglings in
that other movie That's true. He did kill a lot
of younglings. There's precedent. There's precedent.
Yeah. Yeah. Reason to be concerned. And it's
like, you know, oh, you didn't you. You may have
killed all these other people that you were invading,
but, you know, you didn't kill any kids. So that's
good. Yeah. That means your heart is pure. Yeah.
And then they get reports. There's some like
a little bit of training scenes. I'll be honest.
I was cooking while this was going on. So I may
have missed. What did you make? I made dumplings.
Oh, fantastic. I do have a question for the room
about when Nicolas Cage first shows up here and
the final third of the film. That snake he's
holding, you think he brought that from home?
Which one? Left snake or right snake? Which snake,
Sean? Both snakes. Either snake. Is he a snake
wrangler, actually? I have no fucking clue. I
hope so. He used to own, I've talked about this
a few times, he used to own like a King Cobra.
Oh. But he got complaints from his neighbors
and had to get rid of it because it kept getting
out. So not like a good snake. Yeah, yeah. Oh,
well, one of the things he talked about in some
like. special feature stuff that i watched was
he was talking about this film and he was talking
about the director and he was like you know giving
accolades to the director and he was like oh
yeah whose name is also nick he's like nick it
was so nice to work with nick it's like uh nice
to work with somebody who lets you like do these
things and like he gives me the freedom to do
the sort of things that like i i love to do like
like if i come on stage i'm like you know what
i really think this character needs like two
snakes i need to be holding two snakes He just
like makes it happen. It's like, so Nicolas Cage
just showed up when he's like, you know what?
You know what? This character right now, he needs
to be holding two snakes. Double fist and snakes.
Yeah, like we respect your art. Yeah, and they're
like, I don't know. We already got Nicolas Cage.
Just fucking give him the snakes. My only note
was Snake Man. Yeah, can we just ship in some
snakes? In my work, I have worked with, well.
I have not personally, but I've, yeah, I've had
to pay snake people and like, and they always
have people. Yeah. Snake people. They always
have great company names too. They're always
like some kind of pun on like snake Wrangler,
whatever, you know, mine would just be, you can
do that. All right. The movie. So they, at this
point they, they receive word that. The black
art is coming with the older prince. Yeah. And
they're going to they're going to fuck him up.
And so they start preparing. This is this is
a great point for a montage making bombs. Oh,
hell yeah. Preparing arrows and everything, getting
everybody ready. I do love a good montage. And
then the fight starts, which is basically the
last 20, 30, 20 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. I really
couldn't say much about that. Those scenes, aside
from that, Nicolas Cage's wife. in his arms.
Oh, his mute wife? His mute wife. I knew she
was going to die from the moment she didn't talk.
I was like, oh, you don't get lines? Sorry. Sorry,
lady. I'm assuming she was some producer's wife.
Yeah, probably. I liked the cave trap. That was
tight. Oh, yeah. The spike thing. I love a good
trap. Give me a trap in any movie. That's so
fun. Oh, yeah. There needs to be more. Something
that's swinging down and stabbing somebody. We
need more Home Alone -esque movies. Totally.
Really. They should really just remake that movie.
But violent. Yeah. We need people to get hurt.
When is that public domain? Exactly. So they
fight. She gets not blown up. Just I think the
bomb goes off, which I couldn't tell. It seemed
like the bomb went off in front in front of Nicolas
Cage. I was I don't know. I think she put herself
between him and the bomb. Like she like swung
around him or something. I don't know. She just
took the shrapnel. She was there for the bits.
Yeah, at this point, Nick Cage goes out to get
revenge and give Hayden Christensen and the prince
a chance to escape. Hayden Christensen goes and
gets them. Nick Cage has a cool fight where he
just kills a bunch of people and gets stabbed
a bunch, but doesn't go down. And then when all
is said and done, Hayden Christensen and the
prince and the princess just walk out and say
hi to everybody. He doesn't even give them time
to escape. They do have time to escape. They
just went out the front door. yeah and then you
know so he dies which you know that was that
was sad uh to see yeah but uh yeah and like you
said especially a guy with such a sweet ass eye
scar oh yeah oh yeah he did open his eye several
times i did notice that like there were several
times where it was a little bit of a close -up
on his face and his eye would open and it's like
your eye is clearly not damned just put an eye
patch on my man yeah no no eye patches don't
go well for people maybe super glue it It's just
some kind of prosthetic. Some of us can't wink.
You don't need to wink. You just need to leave
it closed. That's the that's the issue. Well,
and then Hayden kills Shing in a battle with
this with a little dagger. Oh, yeah. Little dagger.
But also the princess gets stabbed, too. I think.
But in like a tender part that didn't kill her.
Yes, exactly. Oh, yeah. Everyone else survives.
All the all the they all look like they die.
All the good people. No, this this bothers me
because. sister gets run through trying to kill
shane hayden christiansen shot twice and also
like goes down and you have this like they say
they love each other and they both kind of like
do the final breath and like head tilt to the
side hard cut to the next day and they're fine
but it's also the end of the movie so it doesn't
matter oh yeah it's like three days later whatever
something like that yeah and then they're they're
they're there's a they're meeting the generals
that are in who know all support yeah yeah well
yeah they just i think they would have supported
who again Would they support anyone who has...
If Hayden Christensen had that fucking seal,
would he be the emperor? He's the emperor, probably.
That would have been amazing if that happened.
Yeah. They go, they crown the little boy, and
then... Then Haya plays. Yeah, Leon and Hayden
Christensen have a little sweet moment, and then
he just peaces out. He just leaves. And then
the camera just kind of goes like... Yeah, and
then the credits. Yeah, and I was like, I mean...
that's kind of nice that they did not end up
together. Yeah. He's like, he's got, he's a Ronin.
You can't have interracial relationships. That's
just not okay. That ending stinks of test screening.
Didn't like the fact that they die. So they're
just like, we're just going to film like an extra
two minutes. That's probably true. Well, cause
at the end of the scene where they do die, cause
they do fucking die. The one general who's like
known the whole time is just like, you know,
bows down to the Prince credits there. That's
the end of the movie. Well, they probably just
kind of like painted themselves into a corner.
They're like, oh, man, this is going to look
so good. It's going to feel so good during the
scene. And they're like, oh, man, we shot this
great death. But we clearly need them to end
happily. Like it was written to end happy. I
mean, the happiness is that Zhao becomes a good
emperor. Yeah, sure. Well, in theory. In theory.
Or he's like, wait, military power is amazing.
I got to go subjugate these other kingdoms. Yeah,
I learned how to bow. Yeah. And that's the end
of the film. I did have some other notes, some
fun notes. The jump cuts. We didn't talk about
that, but there's so many. It felt like I said
this to you earlier. It felt like Saving Private
Ryan like the whole time. And there was a couple
of scenes that really didn't need it because
it was there was one scene where he's rowing
a boat. Right. And there's like a couple of jump
cuts. I was like. This isn't necessary. Just
show him rowing the boat. You can just row the
boat. I could be fine with not seeing him row
the boat. Yeah, exactly. It could be him coming
out of the boat. I wrote down my favorite quote
from Nicolas Cage, of course. Oh, please. Blackguards
are as thick as flies on a farting goat's ass.
An excellent quote. It was a great quote. Sean,
did you have a favorite quote? I do have a favorite
quote. All lands burn, Jacob. You know that better
than anyone. I have to take a piss. That was
another good one. And then one last thing. Shing
was ripped. Oh, that was one where he took his
shirt off and I was like, okay. All right, Shing.
Lifestyle of military action. I mean, yeah, he
had some. I mean, Mace guy was probably like
pretty soft body, but he's strong. Yeah. Nick,
did you have a favorite quote? No, just every
time they did opium was my favorite. I want that.
Yeah, it wasn't a quote. It was mostly like,
oh, I love drugs. Drugs are cool. drugs make
everybody look cool i liked when nick cage met
the the prince and he just goes what are you
10 which is exactly how i feel about meeting
anybody under like 30 at this point yeah the
only other one i liked was uh he said you're
lucky my wife likes you where's my wine yeah
i was thinking about this movie a lot and i was
like oh Does it have the things that I really
love in life? And you just reminded me. And drugs.
It has a boat chase. And I love a boat chase.
It's very slow. Yes. Well, I mean, they were
slow, but somehow Hayden Christensen caught up
after they had like a 10 minute. It's those strong
white muscles. Big white muscles. He can row
a small Asian boat like nobody's business. Well
-crafted boats. Yeah. Those are cool boats. They're
cool looking boats. Yeah. Yeah, I like them.
But I love a good boat chase. That's good. I
did appreciate when the princess and prince were
like running away and they were getting a boat.
They had the wherewithal to like, let's just
untie all the other boats so they float away.
Yeah, I like when when they're crafty. That's
a nice, nice aspect. That's probably why everybody
caught up, though, because they spent so much
time diligently untying knots that those people
just walked out in the six inches of water and
got the boat. So that would have been a great
scene if they were rowing really furiously. And
then the black guard is just like walking up
to them, just running at them. Hey, stop. So
this movie wants you to care about these characters
so much without actually giving you any reason
to care about them other than like sentimental,
like. flashbacks that mean nothing yeah you're
told to care for them and so that's the expectation
that you just will it's like oh he's the nice
one but there's no like actual narrative reason
or like any actual character quality that you're
that you do like about these people other than
like you're told to and it's just so that's why
you hire nicholas cage that's right yeah and
hayden christensen apparently so i think this
movie would be better At the end, if after the
credits, there was a post -credit scene and it's
just a pile of bodies. And then that monk from
the beginning just like shoots out. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Would he be a good guy or a bad guy? Oh,
he protected against the Blackguard. Yeah. I
would. They need a movie of just him. I know.
That guy was cool. This movie's like. like pretty
empirically bad, but I had a pretty good time
with it. And one of the things that I, that I
actually enjoyed was the fight choreography.
I thought it was like, not bad. Yeah. And luckily
the film is just fights and segues into fights.
Exactly. That's all it is. It's like, Hey, we're
going to set up a scene for the next fight scene.
My only complaint about the fights. It's got
that very 2010 style, like, like camera right
up in the fight, shaky cam. So you can't really
appreciate the choreography that much, but the
fights are good. It's also just there to hide
the choreography. That's true. A film like this
does not pay a very high -end choreographer.
Hayden Christensen might have those lightsaber
skills, which could translate to a long sword,
but it's Nicolas Cage still. When I was in high
school, I went to this fairly expensive... not
real school where it was like mostly art school
but like we also learned history i guess did
i know was it like a montessori thing no i mean
it was just like a college prep school in kansas
city and um my my buddy peter and i we were in
gym class together in gym class like our wait
peter and peter yeah okay my two years from kansas
city yeah did one of you have to go by pete uh
no we were just i was the other peter because
he had gone to the the prep like grade school
going into it so he had pre -established he had
dibs yeah he had dibs so the gym class you could
like go and do stuff but they also didn't care
if you didn't do stuff as long as it was loosely
like athletic active yeah so they had fencing
foils and they had like the high jump mats and
all the shit that would be out on the track so
he and i just spent like i don't know probably
a full fucking year doing like fencing choreography
and like pratfalls and like jumps you jump at
this point i'm gonna give you a clue it's actually
really fucking fun were we any good at it no
but it makes me always like think about choreography
and be like nice there was that could have been
me there was a hot minute in uh college it was
around was it around the time i think it was
around the time that we were doing like three
musketeers that a lot of my classmates and stuff
got really into fight choreography and this and
that it's like every time we're at a party they're
fucking around with this shit and it's like stagehand
i didn't give a shit this isn't my thing i'm
there to get drunk and do drugs and i did oh
yeah oh man once um but uh yeah it was just so
annoying to just always have like seven people
at a party like doing like fake slaps and like
busting out their fucking foils or whatever it's
like oh my god i'm bringing over a bunch of bottles
of sugar glass guys i'm trying to get laid like
i did think for a movie in china there would
be more like martial arts like real martial arts
i didn't i didn't think they would just be like
no no no there was definitely more martial arts
and jujitsu yeah god i mean it's in the name
but it is in the name that one also had a cool
alien was the alien cool I don't know. He was
an alien. It was probably cooler than most of
that movie. You know what Jujitsu had that this
movie doesn't have? A first person sequence.
Oh, yeah. First person running along the wall.
God, fuck that movie. What is this movie? Jujitsu
is the first movie that we watched. So it was
Jujitsu versus Face Off. Yeah, it was basically
doomed to fail. But yeah, it's it's like bad
CGI. 2016 kind of nick cage just like being a
guy who shows up yeah also white savior ish in
that one yeah yeah i did appreciate this movie
was there was not a lot of cgi i didn't really
notice much at all yeah yeah it seemed actually
fairly practical the only cgi i noticed was the
siege was uh the cgi fire at times but that's
it sure yeah okay so where we haven't done this
ranking in a while but like where would you put
this on like the cage matrix of Good movie, good
acting, bad movie, bad acting. Quadrant. Bad,
bad. I knew where you were going. I feel like
it's hard because he's not he's just not in it
long enough. That's never stopped us. Yeah. I
mean, I'm trying to think about it in the lens
of maybe of the time. Of the time. You know,
in the early 2000s, because there was a ton of
movies like this, I feel. Yeah, I probably if
I was this was a vibe for sure. Yeah, if I was
a kid and I went to see this, I probably would
have liked it because I was an idiot. What are
you, 10? What are you, 10? Yeah, I probably would
have liked it. I can't say it's like really a
terrible movie because there's a lot of good
things about it. I would put it in the middle
smack dab in the middle. Yeah. Yeah, it's a solid
C plus for me. Nick Cage's character. Did he
do it well? I don't know, but he was there. He
had two snakes. He had two snakes. He had a cool
dreadlock topknot at one point. Some great lines.
Yeah, great lines. Banger of a script. I don't
know why this didn't get a Tony. Oh, there was
a stage adaptation, by the way. Outcast the musical.
That was actually funny. I get one off every
once in a while. Yeah, I think it was a good
C plus. Cage, maybe a C. But he had snakes. A
snake arms brings it up to a good B minus. Yeah.
So I felt good about it. I feel like I went into
this expecting it to be total shit. Yeah. And
it was only like a little bit of a turd. Yeah.
It is like a fugue state in the middle where
you can just completely forget what's going on
or not pay attention at all and just check in
and be like, oh, still no Nick. OK. Yeah. I will
say it's a movie I watched. Emphasis on watched
because I saw the whole thing. You know, another
thing I was expecting there to be more like.
comedy for some reason but it was a very serious
affair yeah the whole time oh yeah there's no
joking about this there's not really any like
comedy but i guess that is that the era of film
maybe yeah maybe i'm just so used to like really
serious films having at least one little like
punchy joke here yeah like a good joke break
everyone yeah there really wasn't any humor in
this one is like very serious the whole time
serious business about okay well choosing an
emperor yeah okay i will say there was one kind
of joke in there when hayden christiansen is
teaching the prince how to shoot a bow and we
cut to nick cage teaching him and you know nick
cage like got him to focus by standing next to
the target and hayden christiansen like stands
at the target then almost gets shot that was
a tempting joke yeah yeah was it good no but
they tried I wonder if you think Nicolas Cage
was supposed to supposed to be the like comedy.
Maybe I think so. I mean, he definitely has the
funniest lines in there. Oh, yeah. Whether they're
actually super laughy, funny, debatable. But
I mean, you definitely cast Nick Cage for his
character, no matter what character you put him
in. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I just wish he would have
gone more, you know, balls to the walls with
it. It would have been great if he was just like
his time in the. in the far east had made him
like just super unhinged out there like with
a boston accent with a boston accent boston cop
accent boston cop boston cop i know we have watched
more nicholas cage than is probably recommended
by most professionals but there are definitely
things i've like i'm starting to pick up on uh
in his performance mostly his like stance when
he's like like his fuming stance he has that
very like shoulders forward like neck hunched
down just kind of like he was making a ton of
movies during this time too i looked it up in
the in the years from like i think it was 2010
to 2020 he made 44 movies it's a ton and like
the the quality fluctuates wild oh yeah it's
insane but i think that's why i love him so much
is that he's like capable of just these like
these crazy crappy movies that are still like
well that's nicholas gage but also just like
a very like pig you know just a very right uh
like artful meaningful movie yeah he's he's a
wild actor it's it's pretty cool i'll just take
our last five minutes um there was something
yeah hold on everybody sit the fuck down i got
five minutes of your time all right we'll see
y 'all later we've we've talked to uh you've
mentioned like white savior movies and uh oh
yeah all this uh do you do any of you have a
favorite white savior film uh jesus and the technical
dream coat I think Jesus. God damn it. No. Who
had the Technicolor Dreamcoat? Joseph. Joseph.
God damn it. Jesus Christ was a superstar. He
was. That's what I was thinking of. I think Littlefoot
from Land Before Time. They're remaking Littlefoot.
Did you see that? There's a Littlefoot comeback.
Oh, my gosh. Get ready for that. There we go.
Is it? Is it going to be animated or CGI? I think
it was live action. Yeah, it's full Jurassic
Park. We're bringing back real dinosaurs and
we're teaching them to eat. What was it? Three
leaf? Yeah, I don't know. Five leaf. Five points.
I probably will. I can't think off the top of
my head, but I know a film that I watched. If
it comes on like it's the kind of movie where
if it comes on TBS, I'll probably like. put it
on and do other stuff and that is the most iconic
one last samurai oh yeah it's very iconic it's
not i mean it's not like a bad movie really yeah
but it is a it is a white savior movie there
are some good ones it's wild that tom cruise
is the last samurai but well i mean he's the
only one that would fit into their armor he's
so short Yeah, there was also Dances with Wolves.
Dances with Wolves was a great one. I'm going
to go with White Chicks, the Wayans movie. It
was the whiteness that saved them in the end.
I'm pretty sure. I've never watched it, but I've
seen it. Oh, you've never watched it? No. Should
I? You can find out how Terry Crews eats pussy
in that movie. Also, I'm pretty sure there's
a White Chicks 2. How have I gotten? I'm 41.
How have I not learned? how Terry Crews eats
pussy at this point in my life. Definitely. Definitely.
It's worth a watch. So I'm going to go home.
I'm going to watch that and I'm going to watch
sideways because we're not having any fucking
Merlot. And you can also see MC Ganey's dick.
Yeah, well, yeah. Oh, man, I just Pete and I
were talking about this earlier today and I realized
MC Ganey was in that movie, too. He's great.
Yeah. I mean, mostly it's just you see him run
around naked. Perfect. Yeah. Love it. All right.
Thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks for having
me. Yeah. Thanks, Kyle. This is great to have
you. I am glad you got to join for this movie.
Oh, yeah. I love I love I love a good Asian movie.
Yeah. All right. Thank you to our sparkle buddies,
Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam, Bill, Stuart and Willow
and to our cage dancers, John Freeman, Nathan
and Cameron. And of course, to Bill Panks for
our intro music. And thank you all for listening.
And we will see you next time for Snowden. Mm
hmm. a romp a real romp a real laugh riot uh
it's a rom -com right yeah exactly snowden rom
-com who's who plays snowden uh joseph gordon
levin what what is what is nicholas cage's role
i don't know it's he's like a dude a white savior
he's a white he's a white skater we'll find out
come back next time all right goodbye Bye. Bye.
I'm glad that you're no longer a Chiefs fan.
That's right. Now I'm a full Raiders fan. Full
on Raiders fan. You're a Raiders fan? Yeah. Yeah.
No, he's he's jumped ship. He's he's joined the
dark side. I mean, I've already gotten to the
peak of the mountain with my team. So like now
I can just start at the bottom again with somebody
else. And then. No, it's good. You can invest
another 20, 30 years before the Raiders hit the
Super Bowl. Good. Then I'll be dead. Yeah. We
can all hope.