Oh God. I would not have, I would not have done
well in Virginia during the pandemic. I mean,
everything would have been business as normal,
right? I don't know. I'd probably start dating
Krishna again if I was stuck there for that time.
Dating Krishna? Did you ever date a Hare Krishna?
No, I dated a girl named Krishna. So you are
a Hare Krishna? You hand out bracelets at the
airport? Most of what I know about Hare Krishna
is it's just from the movie Airplane. Yeah, that's
about right. Which is what I, you know, base
most of my airport interactions on anyways. Yeah,
it's that and Hayden, you know. Hayden's a Hare
Krishna? Yep. Why not? He is now. He's the Hare
Krishna of the sky. Yeah. He gets you locked
into that fuselage and then he's like, all right,
everybody, who would like to buy my sports bracelets?
Are those for sale? I thought they just gave
them away. I mean, there's a sole price. Yeah.
The hardest price to pay. I thought those things
were like a scam. Like they get it on you and
then they like work you for donations. It's like
when somebody hands you a CD on the street. Right.
It's like, oh, check out my music. Oh, it's going
to be $5. Oh, you can't take it. No take backsies.
No take backsies. It's like, motherfucker, I'm
just leaving. Slap. I'm just tossing it in the
street. What are you going to do? Are you going
to assault me over it? Yeah, right. Who has a
CD player? I mean. Fair. I don't think even my
car has one. Does it? Maybe. It should. It's
like a 2018. That's like ancient technology.
No, I still have one. I saw the best bumper sticker
ever and I need to steal it for my car. It just
says this car cost me $830. I'm broke. I'll take
us both down. Considering I bought that car for
$800, seems appropriate. My greatest sale ever.
I was cleaning out the pictures and stuff on
my phone. I did not haggle at all. I found one
picture of a bumper sticker that I really liked
back in the day that just said, no kids, just
fuck my shit up. Yeah. Nice. I did see a bumper
sticker once that I had to take a photo of and
send to Lombardo and all it said was, stop honking
at me, my dad's dead. Nice. Well, speaking of
cataclysmic world -ending events, The Croods.
I'm glad one of us got there. Welcome back to
Cage Match, colon, a roundabout way of meeting
Nicolas Cage. I'm Sean, here with my co -host.
Nick. And our producer. You were having a great
time until you started this. Peter, hello. And
today, we're talking about the animated masterpiece,
The Croods. There's going to be a lot. This is
one of those times where like rarely I've ever
thought I wish that people could watch us while
we do an episode. But seeing Nick's face reactions
is it's pretty choice. I was really considering
just bringing whiskey tonight. Oh, man, that
would have been a vibe. It would have changed
everything. Yeah, we've gotten real fighty about
halfway through. Yeah, I do get kind of aggressive
with whiskey. That's fine, though. I bet Cora
would fight you. Oh, absolutely. Oh, man. If
I had shared my ice cream sandwich and maybe
a sip of my whiskey, just a little nip. Just
a touch. That probably would have been best.
You would have gone right straight to sleep.
Yeah. OK, so we watched Croods. No, we were having
fun talking about Croods again. I successfully
deviated. Is this what this episode is going
to be? It's going to be a lot of that. I still
have the problem with like if I ever get like
a tiny paper cup of like mouthwash or anything
from the dentist, I instinctively just neck it.
I've accidentally drank so much mouthwash. Oh,
thanks. I always end up just kind of folding
the cup up and putting it in my pocket just in
case I need to do like a Wayne's World moment.
Oh, nice. Yeah. You never know. Yeah, it's true.
It could happen. It could happen to you. That's
a Nicolas Cage movie. It is. We could talk about
that one. We could. Another movie you didn't
like. We're talking about 2013? 2009? 2013. The
Croods. So we did this out of order, though,
because we did Croods 2 or Croods New Age or
whatever the fuck it was called. Yeah, why did
we do Croods 2 first? What were we doing with
that? I can't remember. I think it was because
it was our season one intermission. We just picked
random movies, and for whatever reason, we decided
it was funnier to do the second one first. It's
not like there's an immense amount of Croods
lore that we needed to know going into the second
one. No. And it did give us a pretty strong recap
of the first one. It sure did. And arguably better
animation. Yeah, they both look kind of like
shit, but... I like the 2D animation. Oh, that
part's good. No, I like that part. The 2D parts
are fun. Yeah. the 3d looks like dreamworks yeah
it looks like dreamworks and that's i will say
it sucks to look at it's one of their for dreamworks
it is one of their better animated films like
none of their stuff looks great like shrek has
always looked like dog shit and yeah oh i was
going back through a list of like all the dreamworks
like animation films it's rough and it's like
there are maybe i think they were like two that
i was like oh okay i like that like i enjoyed
How to Train Your Dragon. Yep. Great. Yeah. Same
director as the Croods. Yeah. Yep. I don't know
how. Well, I mean, directors can't change writing.
No, it's true. But they also wrote the movie
and he wrote both movies. He did. Yeah. What
a fucking idiot. He didn't direct the second
one. He was also the voice of Belt. Oh, my favorite
character. Yeah, that's probably. Nope. douglas
is douglas is your favorite i was gonna say if
i had to pick a character for you to be a favorite
douglas yeah douglas big douglas guy over here
that's my son's dog okay let's talk about the
critters just for a minute we'll get into the
plot line and everything because whatever it
doesn't really matter that much but the critters
i think in this are pretty good and when we jumped
into crudes 2 it was like way overplayed that
it's going to be weird creatures because obviously
they had set the precedent from crudes 1 which
gets you, you know, like all the craziness of
like the 50 different types of punch monkeys.
I appreciate that they didn't try to justify
or explain anything in this movie. Right. It's
like, here's a weird piranha bird. Here's a whale
that walks on land. Yeah. I don't know. I loved
the piranha birds because I liked how they're
like beaks opened in like what the middle of
their face rather than like at the point. Yeah,
totally. The creature design in this movie is
awesome. so like douglas is a dog alligator yeah
well i thought he was like he had like skunk
stripes and like skunk tail yeah and alligator
mouth it doesn't matter it doesn't matter none
of it matters i did really like douglas being
introduced he's like a dog he's behaving like
a dog even though he's a weird critter and then
um thunk falls out of a very tall tree has him
roll off of a cliff yeah he's just like oh shit
douglas top two favorite moments from the movie
was just douglas rolling off and then like okay
i was like oh they killed a dog wow just disappeared
was it no remorse no like mention of him nope
uh like until the last like five minutes of the
movie and then he shows up and he gets saved
And then I think he's in the second movie, but
I don't think he mattered. Yeah, him and the
cat are just around in the second movie. Nothing
matters. None of it matters. We're all going
to die and this thing happened in our lives.
It's weird that the Croods are the thing that's
making you existentially express yourself. We
have watched such worse movies. Is this what
happened to Hornback? Like Hornback watched the
Croods one day and then this is what we got from
him? Yeah. What is the point of life? Oh my goodness.
We're all just fucking bags of meat that are
going to rot. Slowly rot. Yeah. I wish I could
rot faster. All -star cast. We got Nicolas Cage
as Grug. Ryan Reynolds as Guy. Emma Stone as
Eep. Catherine Keener as Ugga. Cloris Leachman
as Gran. Clark Duke as Thunk. And I'm going to
ask what I asked last time. What the fuck ever
happened to Clark Duke? I don't know. I mean,
he's one of those people that just like always
looks like a boy, even though he's like our age.
Oh, is that the Hot Tub Time Machine kid? Yeah.
uh chris sanders who is the writer director is
belt yeah and that's the entire cast i mean yeah
i guess for this one you really don't have anybody
else yeah no because we got we got we got the
dinkster in the second one yeah that's right
the dinkster dinklage yeah oh yeah okay yeah
he was the dad or whatever yeah guy's dad guy's
dad's friend yeah that's right it was his friend
because his Guy's parents drowned in the... Tar.
Yeah. Okay. See, I got confused because I hate
both movies. And so plot was irrelevant to me.
Okay, so wait. The plot of this film is Nicolas
Cage's... The plot's just Pangea. Kind of, yeah.
Pangea past. It's like everything's like splitting
apart and Guy foretells it because he listens
to the floor with a shell or something. And then
he's like, we got to go to high ground, which
turns out didn't help. No, that was not great.
If not for caveman strength. Yeah. And Nicolas
Cage doesn't like doing things because it's going
to kill you. And his daughter has a cave lady
bone, cave lady boner, cave girl boner. I don't
want to get too caught up on what kind of boner.
She likes a big brain. Yeah. And he's like fully
formed. feet and hands and like not right or
like not wrong sized head right so guy is a human
and everybody else is kvs i do like that he's
got a slur for them kvs i'm gonna start calling
who in our group is a kv who's the most kv person
yeah oh man adam adam's probably a kv Adam's
a cavey. Sorry, Adam. Yeah. Yeah. I do appreciate
any Nicolas Cage led movie where his first utterance
is just going full Nick Cage. No words, just
yelling for a solid like 30 seconds. Like that's
like Ugg's first scene coming out of the cave
is like it makes it makes 100%. Are you calling
it Ugg? Yeah, Grug. Yeah, it's Grug. Grug. Doesn't
matter. Grug, dude. Well, you're also mixing
it up with his wife, Ugga. Ugga, yeah. So, Grug.
But, like, it 100 % makes sense why you'd cast
Nicolas Cage for this role if that's the energy
you're starting with. I did kind of like how
it started out like that, and then, you know,
they're, like, doing their hunt to get some food,
and it's, like, release the baby, and that thing's
a maniac. Yeah. And then, in the second one,
they have that horrible scene where they get
into the, like, oasis and they're just like shoving
their gobs oh yeah they're just fucking yeah
and this one it kind of had a similar vibe where
they get that egg and they're just like hot sucking
raw egg out of it like they finally experienced
cooked meat oh yeah they ate like what's leftovers
when you have leftover gran just like eating
her way out of the giant bird yeah okay least
favorite character uh this should be easy uh
well i mean easy to figure out because there's
only like six characters yeah um they're all
golden perfect cast okay so my least favorite
character is ugga boring doesn't do anything
yeah yeah ugga doesn't really do anything in
this movie yeah like she gets more to do in the
second one but yeah she's just sort of like there
i would say yeah is it gonna be the daughter
i think it's the daughter the baby no no maybe
he's fine yeah sure okay why i don't know something
about fucking teenage girls annoys me so goddamn
much sean least favorite no i think i'll go just
because yeah she doesn't really do anything through
the in the movie uh chloris leachman's got some
great line reads and is a lot of fun I mean,
she's been good at being an old lady for a long
time. Lots of practice. Yeah. Yeah. I just this
I don't understand DreamWorks is reasoning for
getting cast like this. Like, it doesn't matter
who it is. I can only assume the reason they
get like a Nicolas Cage or Ryan Reynolds is because
they know they can get more money from producers
out of it by having big names. But I think it's
just to make things tolerable for the adults.
Like. Are you going to take your kid to go see
a DreamWorks movie with nobody you know in it?
Or a DreamWorks movie that at least has a full
A -list cast? It doesn't matter. They're not
voice actors. Most of the DreamWorks movies,
the voice acting isn't great because they just
hire A - and B -list actors. True. But to be
fair, the only reason we watched this movie is
because of the cast. The A -list cast. Yeah,
A -list casting. We don't count. We're doing
a fucking dumb thing. We shouldn't count. All
right, fine. Second least favorite character
in the film. Rank them. I'm going to say Thunk.
Thunk? Thunk, that little fuck. Thunk doesn't
do a lot either. I was going to say, this is
one of the few non -Deadpool movies where I don't
hate Ryan Reynolds. Sure. Yeah, he's fine. I
mean, he is sort of an uppity bitch, but... Yeah,
he's still just Ryan Reynolds. Why does he have
the weird shoes? Because he's learned to survive.
You know, he's a human. He has ideas. He can
think. He wears shoes so he doesn't hurt his
feet on floor spikes. Right. Yeah. Okay. third
least shoes let's talk about shoes yeah go ahead
the scene where they get the like they step on
all that shit and thunks are not fucking guys
like uh i guess i'll be nice and help them with
like shoe stuff because they're obviously idiot
cavies why okay funk fish what where do they
get the fish that doesn't make sense there was
no river there i mean those are probably air
fish air fish yeah third least favorite character
guy what i was gonna say despite i don't despite
not understanding why they get like big name
actors for these voice roles this is one of the
few dreamworks films i'm like yeah no everyone
did a good job I mean, I agree with that. I think
the voice acting in this is actually fine. I
think the point that you're making and we've
made a couple of times is that like there really
isn't a huge amount of value. Like what parent
went to this movie and was like, oh, thank God
it's Nick Cage, you know? But also like what
adult besides us watches this movie if not for
their kids? Oh man, you know there's crude heads
out there. Oh man. I mean, I'm one of them now,
yes. Crudités? What would you call them? I don't
even know. Crudités. Cavies. A bunch of cavies.
They're just cavies. Man, I love the Croods and
Croods New Age. I'm a cavie. What about those
eight seasons of Croods Family Ties? Is there
eight seasons? According to IMDb, I don't know.
Wow, that's too many seasons. I'm going to watch
an episode just to see what off -brand Nicolas
Cage sounds like. I'd be curious. I'm just looking
at other DreamWorks animated films on IMDb right
now. We got Boss Baby with Alec Baldwin. No child
wants to hear Alec Baldwin. Rio, don't know what
that's about. It's Johnny Depp as a bird. Who
the hell is Johnny Depp? I don't know, I think.
No, that was Rango. Johnny Depp as a lizard.
Was Johnny Depp still doing shit when Rio came
out? I don't know. Who was in Rio? who is bird
i'm looking now who's bird uh jesse eisenberg
is blue his name's not even rio they're just
in rio i guess we got there yeah yeah worth it
we gotta get a couple dumb laughs out of this
episode uh i guess there was they did the madagascar's
hotel transylvania which is just an adam sandler
film I watched the first Hotel Transylvania the
night my ex -wife went into labor with my son.
You were just like, hold on. I'm not finished.
We're going to watch this. You're going to really
love it. My favorite part's coming up. We watched
it. You've seen this before? You've watched this
more than once? Devours. You're more present
for this film you've watched before. The birth
of your son. Babies take a while to come out.
Let's watch some delightful Adam Sandler -ing.
Well, it's because they know there are no good
children's films out in the world. Except for
Paddington 2. And then, yeah, the Ice Age films,
which again, what child wants to hear the voice
of Ray Romano? I don't even know adults who want
to hear the voice of Ray Romano. Exactly. Who
was Ray Romano in that? Was he the elephant?
Yeah, he was the mammoth. Oh, wow. Because Sid
the Sloth was clown himself, right? Leguizamo?
Leguizamo. Dennis Leary was the saber -toothed
tiger. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Queen Latifah
is the lady mammoth in the sequels. Hot. Can
you imagine Ray Romano and Queen Latifah just
out on a blind date? What would they talk about?
Oh, my God. Anything but the Croods, I bet. Probably.
Fourth least favorite character in the movie.
Did we already say the baby? Nobody said the
baby yet. I genuinely enjoy this film. It was
a fun watch. There's good, like, humor and, like,
physical animated comedy. I really like the joke
about the snapshot. Yo, that was pretty good.
Where he, like, paints up Thunk's face and, like,
smacks him with, like, a piece of slate to, you
know, get an instant photo of him or an instant
picture. I did kind of like that. I mean, that
one paid off in the end when they did the family
photo. Yeah. So, Ugga. Ugga's my fourth least
favorite. I liked the way that they moved, actually.
The cavies, that is. I thought that was pretty
well done. They had like a good eep -like shamble.
I love it. Okay, what's one thing that you liked
about this movie? I liked... Other than the ending,
because it was over. I liked the way Grug...
Had that sinister smile when he thought the grandma
was going to die near the end or whatever. Yeah,
every time they did a head count and he always
was happy because he thought grandma was dead
and then she shows up. Six. And when Douglas
rolled off the thing. That was funny. That was
legitimately funny. That's it. Plot line, there's
really not much. Cataclysm. Getting away from
a cataclysm. They're just trying to run away
from the continental divide or whatever. Right.
The splitting up of the continents. Greg believes
the only way to survive is to not ever take any
risks, to stay in the cave. New things are bad.
Yeah. But, you know, they're the only ones left,
so he's doing something right up until, you know.
human shows up world changes you know brings
fire and everything falls apart and they're forced
to like go on an adventure to you know save themselves
he wants to still prove he's the man of the tribe
but you know new bigger ideas come around scare
him and everyone like turns their back on uh
turns their back on grug bad family i don't know
he had some pretty looking antiquated opinions
on things Hmm. Why is it in the second film they
all look around like they've never seen food
before when clearly on numerous occasions they
go to pretty verdant areas? Yeah, I was wondering
and I can't remember and I'm not going to rewatch
that movie. You want to know the answer? It's
a kid's movie. Yeah. But like, so what happened?
So obviously at the end of this one, they're
like riding around on all their critters and,
you know, having a grand old time and. They get
to the coast. Food is aplenty. What happened
after that? Why did it get shitty? Or was it
just that guy wanted to go figure out his parents'
friend's location or something? No, they just
stumbled across it. I think it was accidental.
It was like, I don't know, another cataclysm.
Who cares? No, they were running away from a
T -Rex or something. an off -brand t -rex exactly
an off -brand t -rex the t -rex fused with i
don't know yes it's like here's this bracelet
take this bracelet or i'll eat you oh you took
it now i gotta eat you it's transactional in
terms of the nick cage of it all both these films
in terms of his voice acting career are two are
decent performances like he really He really
gives it his all in this as opposed to like the
ant bully where you can tell how just bored he
is the entire time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even
in like I said last time, even in like Spider
-Verse, he's like so muffled and like just which
is like partially the character. But I'm kind
of curious to see. We don't have that many more
Nick Cage voice performances. We've got like
Teen Titans go to the movies and maybe one other.
Oh, yeah, that's right. He's Superman in that.
Yeah. Do you think? Nick Cage's performance in
Spider -Man was muffled, as you said, because
he's so meta. He came dressed in a mask. I asked
that last time, yes. I think 100 % he wore a
mask. Okay, great. And they're like, I mean,
it's Nick Cage. He's a method actor, I guess.
Let him do his thing. Yeah, sure. Put that mask
on. It's the only way you're going to get that
performance. I wonder if his mask just had his
own face on it. Did we ever confirm whether or
not in Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance, like
we read online that he like showed up with like
skull face pin on to the set. Did we ever like
confirm that? No. I stated it as a fact because
I want it to be true. Are you asking if we had
a follow through on something? Yeah. I don't
remember if we ever followed up on that. I don't
think he. did but definitely did not i will say
in terms of follow -through four years later
and the crudes so uh i did have there is a there
is a quote in this film that i did love uh which
is when uh grug is chasing guy around um kind
of like finally had his full fill right before
they get in the tar and guy is trying to like
talk the kids down and grug just goes you know
big words make me mad keep talking That is actually
pretty good. The only quote that stuck out to
me was Thunk got hit in the face at one point.
He goes, ow, my sniffer. I don't know why I liked
that, but I just it got me. And then, you know,
we had the origin of the punch monkeys. I did
like that. Nick didn't. I'm glad they didn't
acknowledge them and they were just like viewed
once. That's the first time they ever met a punch
monkey. Should have been the last. What did you
guys think of the sexy saber -toothed cat cosplay
that they had to do to get out of the tar? Alright,
the puppet work I found pretty hilarious. I like
that Belt was just playing the ribcage as like
a xylophone. Yeah. That's a classic. Yeah, ribcage
xylophone's a pretty choice. Did Ugga go back
to having like shitty hair in the sequel? I cared
so little. I couldn't even remember what her
hair looked like prior to that scene. It's just
like, oh, they framed this in such a way. It's
like, did her hair change? I'm just going to
roll with that. And then I didn't even acknowledge
her hair for the rest of the film. Yeah, she's
definitely my fourth least favorite character.
Who's your favorite character? Well, we got to
get there. Who's your fifth? Yeah, we're building
up. Fifth least favorite character. The child.
The baby? Yeah. Baby's my fifth least favorite.
Sandy? What's her name? Sandy? Sandy. Sandy.
Yeah. Okay. So wait, who's left then? Just Grug
and Guy? And Gran. Oh, and Gran. Wait, that's...
Did I not say Guy? I thought I said Guy already.
Maybe you said Guy. So it's just Grug and Gran.
Yeah. And Douglas. And Douglas, well... I don't
want to tip my hand or anything, but... Nick,
I found your review on IMDb. Uh -oh. Let's hear
it. This movie was terrible. I was expecting
a fun, clever kids movie, but instead I got a
stupid, unfunny, predictable movie. Even though
I only watched the first 30 minutes, it was the
worst 30 minutes of my life. No, I know that's
not me because they said they expected something
from this. Now, you had gone into it already
having seen Croods 2, so... Yes, but I still
knew it was a Dreamworks movie. You knew what
not to expect. That's true, it is a Dreamworks,
so... Oh, wait, I forgot about all the weird
Christian fundamentalists who, like, who review
-bombed this film. Oh, yeah, let's just talk
about that. I can't understand how any one of
those people would legitimately be offended by
this movie. Like, what? Because it teaches about
evolution, which is an affront to God. Dipshits.
So stupid. We have to share the planet with these
people. Yeah. Those people get to vote. Too often.
I think it should be a one and done. you get
to vote once yeah i think everybody gets to vote
just once you gotta really hang on to your vote
yeah do i do it i don't hate this idea a lot
of like really close elections with 13 votes
for president i mean that's not true yeah 13
votes but like 170 or whatever, 370, whatever
the electoral bullshit. Hey, I want to talk about
the electoral college. It's about time we get
rid of that shit. Yeah, I like it. That's just
placating slave owners and we don't need that
anymore. We live in a time where fucking communication
can happen instantaneously. We don't need fucking
dumb fucking representation. Podcast over. Did
I get it? Are we done? I think so, yeah. Sixth
least favorite character. Gran. Gran, okay. I
liked her in the second one a little bit more.
She's good in this, though. I mean, she was fine
in this, but the jokes are so forced in this
movie. Yeah. Hers are no better. What's it like
having no joy? You know, I'm new to this about
not being a happy person, but, you know. You
can embrace it. Yeah. Just talk to Hornback.
That's good. Yeah. Did Belthuff a flower at one
point and get high? I missed that. I feel like
it was right before Douglas fell off the cliff,
but... Was it a poppy flower or whatever? I don't
know. I don't think I... Prehistoric poppy? Yeah.
It was a cocaine poppy because everything's a
hybrid in this movie. Yeah. So he was amped up
and chilled out. What was your favorite weird
animal, weird beast? I liked the whale with legs.
Leg whale was cool. Turtle birds I enjoyed. I
can safely say that the elephant mice are the
cutest ones, but I don't know if they're my favorite.
the you know the dnd nerd in me was like i liked
the owlbear even though i know it's more cat
but it's like the bird cat oh sure that's stalking
them the entire time yeah yeah chunky yeah i
can't remember if grant actually called it that
in this movie or not but that's what she called
it in the second movie so yeah how do you remember
anything dude i don't know i want to know what
happened to like the other animals because in
the sequel i remember they had the cat and they
had doug i don't remember them having like the
connected tail lemurs or they didn't have the
whale i was gonna say yeah maybe that's what
happened they started eating all the pets and
they were like fuck we're running out of pets
and we like these last two a lot i mean the the
connected tail lemur is kind of great because
you get to eat one and then you can like you
know like a spaghetti just like suck up like
the other the other one yeah sixth least favorite
character in the movie i think it's seventh at
this point I don't know. All the background animals.
Even the piranha birds? Yeah. Even Chunky? All
the background animals. Hey, they all rank above
Funk. He sucked. Funk is bad. So Nick Cage, at
the end of this, throws everyone across a chasm,
knowing that he's going to be the only one who
can't get across. He's the thrower and not a
jumper. He's got those tiny fucking animated
feet. Yeah. Dumb, dumb feet. Put on some fucking
fish shoes. Can you imagine trying to suck on
those toes? No. Gross. Get out of here. Thank
you. Thank you. I will leave now. You're excused.
I should just go. I'm going to go home and think
about what I said. And how this impacts the podcast.
Can we just talk about how dumb it is that their
plan is to just ride the sun? Yeah, they're idiots.
Yeah, they're caveys. They don't know shit. So
they get chasmed. And then Nick Cage goes back
for the cataclysm to die. And then he's in the
dark of a cave with Chunky. Finds out that Chunky's
afraid of the dark. Okay. Befriends Chunky. Then
they make a flying machine out of a rib cage.
Yeah, they put a bunch of tar on a rib cage and
then make all the piranha birds hit it so that
they fly. And then they use, and then piranha
birds are scared of fire, so he uses the fire
to kind of like steer by like, which I thought
was clever. Yeah, for somebody who's never had
an idea in his life to make that his first idea.
Not bad. Not bad. I did like that his ideation
process was my second least favorite. Seventh?
Eighth, I think. I don't know. There's eight
characters in this film. He's your second favorite
character. You've crossed the threshold. None
of them are my favorite. Except for Douglas.
Douglas. You only need one. Yeah. You can only
have one favorite. But I did like during his
ideation process, it was basically just him braining
himself on shit. Because he's a big dummy. Cavey.
Yeah. Well, he was going to like actually like
hit himself with like a rock and then he had
the idea before he did. Which is how Guy comes
up with ideas. He has a belt to hit him with
a rock. So Guy's basically also just a cavey.
Yeah, except, you know. They're all big dumbs.
Yeah, big dumbs. Yeah. So anyway, then they have
a grand adventure. I wouldn't say a grand adventure.
Well, it looked like they were riding their fucking
critters and having a good time. Yeah. Then they
go to the beach. And that was it. Okay. That's
fair. I watched Begonia the other day. Oh, how
was that? I really liked Begonia. I mean... I
mean, I gotta say, I liked something today, right?
Lanthus Yorgos is a really weird director, and
I can't tell if I like his stuff or not, but...
I really like his stuff. Yeah. I really enjoyed
The Lobster. I fucking hate that movie. I enjoyed
Begonia a lot. Poor things. Poor things I loved.
Poor things was just too long for me, but I heard
Begonia was pretty great. Poor things. Oh yeah.
I hate the lobster. So I hate the lobster so
much that like five years after the fact, I was
with a friend of mine and we were just driving
and I was just like, you know what I hate? And
they're like the lobster. I'm like, yes. Because
that's what I was going to say. And they were
sick of hearing it. Yeah, I was going to say.
They knew you. They know your bit. It sounds
like you've complained about it a lot. Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, so good. You like begonia. You hate
the crudes. Yeah, I just have, you know, good
taste. I have adult taste. Primal's great. It's
not. So much better than the crudes. Worse animation.
But somehow. still worse nick cage better animals
i don't know what are we watching next time peter
so next up is outcast which is actually what
was going to be our first we didn't have enough
people for the podcast because i think you got
sick uh which is why we ended up watching the
humanity bureau the two of us um because we started
watching outcast and it was like shit Nick Cage
is basically not even in this movie. And that
apparently doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't,
because now it's about completionism. Which I
never agreed to. But then we chose Humanity Bureau,
and Sean was like, boy, I hope you guys just
don't choose Humanity Bureau. It's like, too
late, we're doing it. Fuck, we didn't. And then
I listened to you guys talk about it, and I'm
like, I'm glad I didn't have to watch that movie.
Yeah. No way, it was all right. The trailer really
looked like it was going to be something. outcast
looks really stupid um so like the hayden christiansen
it's hayden christiansen and nick cage it's kind
of that same vibe as like um jujitsu in my mind
where he's like the old warrior or whatever and
you know oh there's you know great white knight
or whatever and everyone respects him but he's
just like a drunk or some shit i don't know Nice.
Sounds great. A mysterious warrior teams up with
a daughter and son of a deposed Chinese emperor
to defeat their cruel brother who seeks their
death. Please tell me he plays the Chinese emperor.
I do not think so. Wait, is Hayden Christensen
the child of a Chinese emperor? I don't know,
man. I don't know. Is that some real Ben Kingsley
shit? It is a little Ben Kingsley. So we'll see.
I mean, let's see. Let's read a user review just
real quick. I like to go straight for the three
stars. What do the mids think about it? I like
the ones because those are fun too, but simply
awful in every way. At least it's not complicatedly
awful. It's just simply awful. That's an awful
I can understand. Whatever happened to Cage?
Has he run out of resources and feels the need
to jump on every bad script out there? Not only
this, he's actually giving the worst performance
of the lot in this movie. The story itself is
corny, limping, and just bad overall, but Cage
is even worse. Awesome. Yeah. I look forward
to that. Here's a three star. Damn you, Nick
Powell, and damn you, James Dormer. I'm assuming
directors. Why? Seriously, why did you make this?
Who is it for? Honestly. oh he said ue bowl films
are better than this oh that's rough what's he
made blood rain he did he takes really he gets
really cheap uh video game uh franchises and
like makes really cheap movies out of them okay
so probably nothing alone in the dark no you
i i would be shocked if you've seen a single
one of these movies these are all i've watched
several because i had a friend who enjoyed garbage
um we both famously um we know you like bad movies
we both famously um challenged his critics to
uh boxing matches and some of them took him up
on it and we both proceeded to kick their asses
because that's how you deal with criticism it's
terrible like he just universally does not make
good movies his first movie one five one six
two two 2 0 1 3 3 7 5 2 he's improving 2 9 3
2 so his dungeon siege movie famously starts
with the line i felt you come before you came
hell fucking yeah okay so maybe maybe nick is
in i'm gonna get that tattooed on my chest no
tramp stamp there you go based on title alone
what you able movie would you like to see oh
okay i mean some of these sound fine like in
terms of yeah i'm gonna watch like a horror movie
or something like that you know uh oh boy zombie
massacre 2 reich of the dead oh that sounds cool
reich of the dead that's gonna have zombies and
nazis like legend of the red reaper that could
be cool like some of these sound all right so
oh wait i'm sorry i i i totally jumped the shark
on this one uh blubberella blubberella oh my
god now that sounds like a porno though and that
has got me right back in uh his first film german
fried movie do you think it's a riff on a kentucky
fried movie probably that was a good one yeah
if you like problematic films from the 70s ish
yep we will also like Tried to sue the studio
that made the Rampage movie based on the video
game with The Rock because Gleeble also has a
franchise of films called Rampage. He just sounds
like a dork. All right. But don't box him over
it. Yeah, apparently not. Any final thoughts?
Well, no, like I said, Begonia was good. Yeah,
good. And Douglas is a good dog. Douglas was
a good dog creature. Dog -like, yeah. The Croods
are fun films. if you have kids you could watch
worse things glowing room yeah i mean i don't
disagree with that assessment i think that's
actually fine i didn't have a bad time with this
i did i enjoyed this movie i enjoyed this movie
a lot i will like i will put on the crudes in
the background i'll put on the crudes too uh
because i generally enjoy them be there so you
can annoy him when you say if you have kids watch
the crudes uh my brain immediately translated
it to Hey, you already made bad choices, so go
ahead and make another one. I said there are
worse things you could watch with kids. There
are much worse children's films out there. Yeah,
I can think of like nine things that would be
worse to watch with kids. Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Blubberella. Blubberella. No, I don't know. They
might be into it. I might have to screen it for
boobs first. That's true. I don't want to. There's
definitely boobs. Come on, let's be real. Uwe
Bolls. Uwe Boll's postal, which involves Dave
Foley just taking a big shit in the opening scene.
Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so you
might be into Uwe Boll. Yeah, he might be my
guy. Yeah. Anyway, to our guys, thanks to our
Sparkle buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam, Bill,
Stuart, and Willow, and our Caged Dancers, John,
Freeman, Nathan, and Cameron, and of course to
Bill Panks for our intro music. Sorry you're
all tied to this one. Thanks for listening. Bye.
Bye.