Oh, God. Oh, my God. Before we get into this,
can one of you confirm what movie I was supposed
to watch? Because I think I watched the right
one. Justice. Yeah, okay, I did. Seeking justice.
It depends on your nationality. In England, it
was just justice. Oh, it was? Yeah. That's lame.
And it should have been called fucking The Hungry
Rabbit Jumps, like it was originally named. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. It should have. The one on Plex was
like, the title card was in Spanish. Yeah. Yeah,
I saw that too, but then I was like, I own imports
as well, so as long as the audio's right. Mine
was in French. The whole thing? Yep. Is it because
you didn't just change the language? No, after
I realized this was yet another Nicolas Cage
schlub on the wrong side of the law film set
in New Orleans, I realized it didn't matter what
language it was in. I'd seen this movie like
12 times already. I don't know. I liked this
one. I mean, is it like a pretty predictable
procedural sort of like thriller? yeah sure i
had a pretty good time with it yeah a lot of
thrillers are pretty color by numbers sort of
things because it wasn't like a big like oh fuck
twist it was just sort of like it's been getting
messed with by this shadow group yeah i feel
like every twist exists in other movies so none
of it was like earth shattering right Like the
friend being involved, whatever. Exactly. That
was the big reveal. I wouldn't call this a paint
by numbers film, mostly because it was all over
the fucking shop. Paint by numbers. Somebody
who can't read. Yeah. Paint by numbers by someone
who doesn't know how to count. Yeah. Yeah. Or
they know how to count, but they can only count
to 10, and there's like 13 colors. But before
we get more into that, welcome back to Cage Match,
a colon, a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas
Cage. I'm your host, Sean, here with... I'm Nick!
Nick! And our producer. Peter, hello. Welcome
back. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. This week,
we are discussing Seeking Justice. Or Justice.
In 2011. Or whatever it is in Spanish. And January
Jones. And Guy Pearce. And then a bunch of people
I do not recognize. Oh, see, I recognized a lot
of people from this. Yeah. Like, do I remember
their names and do they matter? No. The only
one that matters is fucking Iron E. Singleton.
That's a great name. Great name. He was the kind
of like stout black man. Wait, what about Dick
Rand Tulane? Uh, what? D -I -K -R -A -N, first
name. Second name, Tulane. T -U -L -A -I -N -E.
Dickran Tulane. He played Sideburns. Oh, yeah,
Sideburns. He was the one with the scar that
got... He was the abductor of... Oh, okay, yeah,
yeah, yeah. In the middle half of it. But what's
funny is that his name was... but the other character's
name is Scar, who is the bald guy who has no
scar. Well, it's a reference to his botched circumcision.
Because, yeah, when I was looking at sideburns,
the thing I wasn't looking at was his sideburns.
I didn't even notice if he had sideburns. All
I noticed was that giant fuck -all scar. Yeah,
I don't think he had any facial hair at all.
I think that's incredible. I love that. I love
that for both of them. Nicolas Cage is... a teacher
he's married to january jones who's will and
laura gerard um one night something terrible
happens to laura uh and in his grief -stricken
moment uh nicholas cage uh agrees to let guy
pierces simon i got the imdb pulled up so i'll
just you know cut out my pause between names
um simon to Find the guy who did it and take
care of him. And then we're ushered into a light
breeze of mild action as the most unnecessary
group of assassins. Organization of assassins
kind of makes its way through New Orleans. So,
yeah, I mean, that's that's kind of the whole
gist. There's a lot of steps to killing people
that don't need to happen, especially considering
that Guy Pearce. scar and sideburns are wholly
willing to just shoot people in public oh don't
forget the guy named cancer oh i bet he was actually
yes so irony singleton was scar god damn it four
years in that was your best joke so the the idea
is like yeah so he agrees to have the rapist
who attacked his wife be taken care of for a
future yeah a promise like a promissory note
and you know guy pierce says like you we might
want you to like knock out a camera somewhere
or you know show up and drop a letter off or
whatever you know but it's always murder yeah
it's always gonna be murder though right like
yeah any fool could take out a camera yeah you're
right it like gets kind of hot and fast into
not all that thrilling of action overall but
i was like pretty tense through this movie like
i thought it did a good job of building tension
i so okay uh i really liked or anything with
a chase scene I love, but that stupid chase scene
of Nicolas Cage running along the overpass and
everything. He's so slow. He climbs down. I mean,
he looks like an idiot trying to do these things
because he's an English teacher, but I just had
such a good time with him crawling underneath
the overpass and falling and almost getting hit
by cars. Then that one dude totally getting hit
by a car. Yeah, Scar, he gets fucking smashed
and then dragged. That was kind of gnarly. When
Nicolas Cage is running across the freeway and
the, not semi -truck, but the larger truck skids
and just misses him, it gave me knowing vibes.
I was thinking about that scene. If a car really
was going on the highway in traffic and slammed
on its brakes and did that skid, you probably
wouldn't get knocked that far if it was really
slowing down. You would just sort of get bumped
around by it. That did feel oddly realistic.
I feel like most movies you would have gotten
hit by that and been like, what? Oh, you just
tossed? Yeah, exactly. I did like how it dragged
his body. Just legs behind it from an aerial
shot. I'll say I wasn't a huge fan of the action
in this film. There are a couple moments that
look really real and look like they'd be real
painful, like when Nicolas Cage tackles the guy
down the escalator. Yeah. Oh, sideburns. That
was sideburns. That's how sideburns die. Spoilers.
Yeah. Rest in peace, sideburns. And then when
Guy Pearce and Nick Cage go over the edge and
land on the escalator. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sorry,
I was just remembering the escalator part because
I was thinking like, oh, they slid down escalator
stairs. Those things are so sharp. But no, it
was like the middle part with all the little
circle. Yeah, all the little fuck you knobs all
over it. God, that every time I want to slide
down one of those and then I look at those, I'm
like, that's going to feel terrible on my butthole.
Yeah. Oh, just fucking weird, sharp punches to
the butt. You know, some people pay for that.
I mean, like I could. Learn to love it. Yeah,
exactly. You just have to train yourself up one
bump at a time. Yeah. I feel by 40, you probably
know. Yeah. If you like butt bumping. I mean,
I think by 40, you would at least suspect if
you knew. I've never had the suspicion that I
might need two or three knuckles. Only one way
to find out. but yeah so like there's not enough
spargo buddies on this table but i love you peter
but you know mouth stuff only this is for science
while the labuzzi watches yeah exactly oh no
they're innocent labuzzi's for the kids dude
oh fucking i was talking about the labuzzi with
my friend tiffany and how like peter you were
saying your daughter like wanted it and you're
like no you you can't have this like alcohol
you're not allowed to bring the buzzball mascot
to school yeah i had but it made us think that
like you know how many joe campbell plushies
i had as a kid for real yeah my kids at my school
definitely had like joe campbell t -shirts and
shit yeah yeah shirts with just the marlboro
man silhouette on it it's like dad won this with
his fucking cigarette tops it was mostly big
dog oh god Some of my favorite toys as a child
are responsible for my father's early death.
Comedy podcast. Yeah. Just lawn darts. You find
something out weird about Sean. Butt bumping.
Just butt bumping lawn darts. I don't know. You
got to start wondering at some point. Why I'm
the way I am. Yeah, exactly. know if lawn darts
deserve to be in your butt obviously there's
a point in your life where you look at every
object and you're like could i take that in the
butt right like those little candles you've got
over there i could probably put one of those
in my butt it'd be fine yeah i mean i wouldn't
you wouldn't love it experience but that doesn't
look like something that would like fuck you
up yeah i'm not gonna lose it for one but it's
not going to tear me up or anything. This is
a great conversation. I like what else is in
this room that I could shove up my butt. I think
that you could probably do the lava lamp. Ooh,
you got to cool it off though. Oh yeah. Yeah.
But that's not as cool looking. Uh, do you think
you could take a pool noodle? You could kind
of roll it up to get like a, a narrower bit.
Yeah. And then once it's in expand. Yeah. Yeah.
How do you get that out? I mean, like you're
pole -starting a lawnmower. Let's ask Richard
Gere. Thank you. I was trying to remember Richard
Gere's name to make the same joke. Let's get
him on the podcast. He's not doing anything.
He's not doing anything, no. Yeah. Oh, we could
get him and Swayze doing like a back -to -backsies.
Oh, boy. Ass -to -ass. Ass -to -ass. Okay. Yeah.
So this movie, you're right, it is not action
-packed. No. But I do think it has a good sort
of like... who's involved, everyone's involved.
It's like there's this code phrase that people
say, you know, the hungry rabbit jumps. And it's
sort of the indication that they are associated
with this group. And I did like that, right?
There are certain parts of it, like why did the
lieutenant or whoever it was, like why did he
help him out? Yeah, I mean, that motivation was
pretty unclear. I'm suspecting he's one of those
people kind of like, uh his friend who was just
like you know things are getting out of hand
oh right yeah i'm trying to he may be trying
to out of control we're trying to get the yeah
well like well his friend was just like simon's
going too far yeah so maybe the lieutenant was
on that boat but uh it was a little unclear but
you know you just kind of my understanding of
it was they're supposed to be like different
cells so like if one cell gets caught they can't
ride out another cell again it's like a rogue
cell yeah it's needlessly convoluted A little
bit, yeah. I imagine that they just had meetings
like the Elks Club or something. Maybe like some
big silly hat that they all wear. All right,
so I'm going to try and run through this. So
he's a teacher. His wife gets assaulted. He's
the cool teacher, though. He's the cool teacher.
Only like rad Shakespeare. He's a teacher who
fucks. Yeah, brought students to a symphony concert
to keep them off the bad path. Right. So his
wife gets assaulted. He has the killer or the...
the corporate killed. So he's then six months
later, you know, they're living at home. She's
gotten a gun, whatever. And then he's called
up to track some woman at a zoo. And then this
guy. who he's told is a sex offender or something,
who's a creep. Yeah, he's like a pedophile. He
does kiddie porn. And then his job next is to
bump him off of an overpass bridge. Yeah. So
he does inadvertently when the guy freaks out
and is like, oh my God, you're trying to kill
me. So then the cops come and get Nick Cage,
which is how he then gets into this lieutenant
situation. Then he gets released by that guy.
Was a bad lieutenant. Bad lieutenant. Not released,
but escaped by that guy. He escaped him. Then
he goes and figures out, it's all this frame
job. The guy that he accidentally bumped off
the overpass is actually a reporter trying to
blow up the whole... Yeah, he goes to the guy's
wake. Yeah, he goes to the wake and gets drunk
with a bunch of reporters. Yeah, and starts asking
them a bunch of questions about him. I loved
the part where the guy at the end was like, hey
man, I don't know if you're a cop or a private
eye or whatever, but don't come to somebody's
fucking wake and pretend to be their friend.
Not cool. After they drink multiple shots from
him, they're just draining him for whiskey. Slick
move. It's like, I know you're a piece of shit,
so fucking kick rocks, dude. So then his wife
gets kidnapped again. Well, not again. For the
first time. So she gets... It's true. They did
leave her behind last time. Yeah. No ransom requested.
That's true. Then she gets away? Wait, she maces
those two dudes. She maces Cancer and Sideburns.
Yeah, and then she like... But then they catch
her again? Yeah, because when he goes... So Nick
Cage finds the reporter's stash and finds all
his files and discovers that his best friend
is part of this organization. Oh yeah, Michael
from Lost also. When he goes and confronts the
friend, then later goes to Laura's best friend
and finds out where she's hiding out and then
has... The guys can never again, needlessly complicated.
She could have just been kidnapped the first
time. Oh, that scene was actually pretty good
though. When, when she opens the door and it's
like, Oh, it's me. It's a Jimmy or whatever.
Not Tim Meadows. Yeah. Hey, it's me. Not Tim
Meadows. Right. A different high school principal.
African -American descent. So she opens the door
because she recognizes him. And then there's
that like split second moment where you see.
cancer sideburns or whatever come around the
corner it was like that was a good little like
jump moment yeah i liked that there aren't that
many in this it's not like a very great like
high tension in that way sort of no it's not
a jump scare movie or anything like that it's
more of just like a uh oh boy what's next yeah
you know the feeling i got uh the uh the feeling
i got throughout this whole movie is every like
20 minutes or so i'd be like oh thank god this
is wrapping up and i pause it i'm like there's
40 minutes left in this piece of shit yeah so
then they go to the superdome to see a truck
a monster truck show yeah i was so happy when
it was the monster jam yeah that was cool i was
i was expecting it to be a football game or something
but no this is the one thing this is the one
part of this movie that made me chuckle so when
nick cage gets his initial like job from simon
he's getting dicked around a lot and like you
know go here and mail this thing or buy two candy
bars buy two candy bars yeah like is that a real
candy bar no okay i wasn't sure if they made
that for this movie or if it was something that
was real i'm like go to this mailbox when he
gets the mailbox he gets like open the letter
gets a phone call all this like all these things
so when it's his turn to he's like go to the
concourse you'll find a bathroom have a piss
get a hot dog and then he finally shows up and
guy pierce is just like having fun and i'm like
yay I would. Yes. You know what I did not see
in that exchange? He did not wash his hands before
he went to buy that hot dog. What if... Maybe
he doesn't touch. He's got a lot of Monster Jam
piss on his... Listen. On his fingies. What if
you just are really good at clean pissing? Oh,
yeah. Sure. Yeah. You just wear sweatpants. Sling
hog out. Yeah. Okay. Piss. Get it back in. You
didn't touch a door. It's a fucking stadium.
Yeah. I don't know. People are still going to
look at you weird, even if you're a master pisser.
It's true. Here's the thing I noticed about that
scene that bugged me. They're in the bathroom.
It's a trough. It's a trough toilet. There's
a sign that says, please flush. Yeah, please
flush the urinals or whatever. It's like, oh,
get out of here. Sometimes those troughs have
like the central flusher. Yeah, they do. But
I've never seen a sign that said flush the urinals
above a trough either. I've been to the Superdome.
I like how Nick and I both picked up on that
needless detail. It's stupid background information
that I love. Makes no difference. Yeah. Pissing
in a trough is one of my favorite ways to piss.
I got to piss in a trough this weekend. I forgot
that the tractor is still a trough. Did it have
ice? Nope. Oh, usually the tractor had ice. Bare
metal trough. Just hot trough. Just hot troughing.
I was hot to trough this weekend. what'd you
say that's your second best joke in four years
oh my buddy was in town so we went and saw uh
the cave singers oh cool yeah yeah good show
yeah yeah nice you know it's guys with acoustic
guitars and stuff yeah and a hot piss trough
and a hot piss trough i got their last hams first
beer i got there i was like i'd like a hams and
he's like it's the last one Damn it. Then I went
to Twilight later and I asked for a hams and
Dave was like, we're all out. I'm like, what
the fuck is happening around here? What's going
on with hams? I don't know. Man. I need to go
back down and restock my hams fridge. My ham
fridge. Who doesn't have a ham fridge? Ham slam.
Zeta Buddies was my favorite place in Ballard
because it had all those beers. Hams and Strohs
and all the kind of like mid shit from the Midwest.
Yeah. Yes. God. Nice. Just what I want. Medium
beer. I was going to say about the January Jones
of it all. I don't know what it is about her,
but I never recognize her without those Mad Men
jugs. It just never looks like her. She's also
a pretty boring actor. It's true. Obviously,
Mad Men was the big thing for her. She's a pretty
good character in that. for the most part like
she's boring and bland at first but then has
like an arc and then it was what like x -men
first class or something where she plays emma
frost emma frost and she's like designed to be
boring in that which is a not boring character
so right i didn't recognize in this film because
she wasn't a terrible actress in it and that
she was forgettable in this where she's usually
overacting so much and it's awful yeah actually
that's a pretty good point like Overall, I think
that her performance, Guy Pearce's performance,
and Nick Cage's performance were not terrible.
And we'll get to the Cage of it all. But the
acting wasn't bad in this. It's just sort of
like a weird medium movie, you know? So I thought
for sure there was another movie that we've watched
with January Jones. Was there? No, I think I'm
confusing Famke Jensen or whatever, which is
fine. My Google search, it gave me the people
always, or also ask, what movie is Nicolas Cage
in January Jones? And I'm like, oh, that's a
funny way to say it. And then I was like, oh,
there's even a sex scene. So it's not exactly
incorrect. Yeah, they kind of got it. He's a
method man. He went for it this time. She loved
it. I don't know how to transition out of that
one. Terrible thing to transition out of. So
the director of this, Roger Donaldson, he did
like a fair amount of stuff. But the only two
that I had really seen were sort of like deep
90s, like bad movies that live in my brain. Dante's
Peak? Dante's Peak. And the other one, Species.
I looked up this guy beforehand and I was like,
man, this guy hasn't done a lot in a while. Then
I looked down, I'm like, holy shit, he did Dante's.
vegan species those movies were huge in the 90s
for no reason for no reason so species because
like boobs you know boobs which was like that
was really hot i think she killed a guy in a
hot tub with her tail yeah do you guys remember
before the internet and like just having a like
a mildly like sexy alien would just make your
terrible movie like the biggest fucking thing
yeah i mean that was kind of the entire thing
yeah yeah i mean like it didn't matter if it
was an alien or Like some kind of hot, weird,
androgynous furniture piece or something. Usually
okay with me. I was trying to think. Oh, yeah,
he did The World's Fastest Indian. I saw that.
Oh, yeah. There was what? Something else. Not
Dante's Peak. I don't know. There was something
else that I had seen of his. Dante's Peak came
out at the same time as Volcano, right? Oh, fuck,
yeah. He did a... movie called smash palace right
after he did nutcase the other i guess the other
big one would be cocktail with tom cruise oh
sure yeah so dante's peak is one that like i
really don't remember except for like doesn't
a grandma's feet turn into skeleton at some point
just skeleton Doesn't a grandma's feet turn into
skeleton at some point? It's the sentence you
just said. I stand by it. I remember they're
in a boat and the boat is able to survive the
lava for some reason. It's not the lava, but
the water of the lake is full of... It's acidic
and boiling because of the lava. and what did
she dangle her feet over it or something she
has to like push the boat they stall i don't
know why they didn't have maybe their oars melted
i don't fucking remember no that was it their
oars melted and someone needed to get them to
shore because the boat was melting and grandma
was already gonna die because she was old so
she got in the water and her feet turned to skeleton
thank you just straight up skeleton feet Am I
misremembering it or is that accurate? No, that's
exactly how that went down. You're right. Wow.
Because that's my only memory of that movie is
like, okay, I guess like bone feet. That's pretty
awesome. I'll have to watch that someday. I don't
think you need to watch it on TSP. Just that
scene. Yeah, all right. Well, I'll pass that
around the channel. Okay. I do want to talk about
a couple things with this film is when Nick Cage
goes, escapes to the police station very slowly.
the slowest like escape um yeah i like to draw
attention to yourself he steals it but even when
he's running he's running slow um well he might
just be slow yeah uh i i did like how he uh stole
a car he goes into a rich hope goes into a fancy
hotel goes into the coat just walks in the coat
check finds a coat that has a ticket puts it
on walks right back out Gets a car. A sweet escalade
or something that was bumping some definite escalade
music. Uses that car to commit a crime. Does
the worst bribery I've ever seen. Tries to bribe
a guy with 20 bucks. Have you seen my friend
Andrew Jackson? Yeah. Does give the guy 60 bucks.
Does the slowest break into a garage ever. But
the part I want to talk about is cops get called.
High speed chase. You think he's going to jump
a train track while a train's coming? Doesn't.
Turns around, clips cop car. Cop car, like, gets
the top sheared off. Oh, I thought the cop was,
like, definitely dead. The second cop definitely
is. The guy in the driver's seat got out. Passenger
did not survive that. I guarantee it. But so
here's the thing. He keeps that car for at least
a day. No APB. Nobody's looking for that car.
Drives around with it for a whole other day.
And then at the end of the movie, when Simon
gets a... When they're like, you know, the Simon
guy did it. And this teacher, Walter, whatever
his name is, like all charges are dropped. Despite
the fact that escaped police custody, car chase,
stole a car, almost killed a cop. Like, no, that
guy's still going to jail. But see, if you just
get in front of the judge and you go, the hungry
rabbit jumps. Wink. I will say that they do not
have a case. Because the cops never apprehended
him about the car chase or anything like that.
Or clearly saw him. Could have been anyone driving
that car. That's true. That old man, he was old.
He could have given them incorrect information.
Yeah, he was old, deaf, probably a little blind.
The only witnesses to his crimes were mostly
Simon and them. And they're dead. Also, his facial
hair changes all the time. It's the most inconsistent
goatee. he could be any man yeah you know he
did have some bad hair this one too it was just
yeah bad hair it's definitely in that like um
whether it was next or knowing i don't remember
the big bird hair you know where he hasn't quite
gotten the plugs in the front yeah knowing yeah
it's receding knowing and uh no next sorry the
gold jacket Next was the one that made me, like,
cry laughing, right? Yes. Yeah, good. Yes, the
gold jacket. That's right. The gold jacket and
the bird hair. Yeah. Yeah, so it was 2011. I
mean, we're entering the weird zone for him,
for sure. This is a lot of just, he's doing it
for the paycheck. I was surprised to see that
there was only, like, two production companies
attached to this thing, because I assumed...
Tobey Maguire. Yeah, Tobey Maguire was a producer.
But I I just from the outset, I was just like,
this is going to be another like this took six
studios to get funded organization. And now just
two and Tobey Maguire. Yeah, Tobey Maguire is
a weird edge case. Like, I think he mostly produced
his own movies like Seabiscuit and some of that
kind of shit. And then there's like nobody fucking
wants to work with him. Nobody likes him. He
sounds like a D -bag. But, you know, he still
is. He's my Spider -Man. I have a couple of my
favorite reviews. Oh, yes. Go for it. Panned
by critics, generally liked by audiences, minus
Sean. Yeah. Let's see. I'll start with the 10
of 10. Somebody gave this 10 stars. 10? Yeah.
Jesus. And it starts out strong. Seeking justice
and dying of the light. They say dying to the
light. Dying of the light. are our two favorite
Nicolas Cage movies of the past few years. Oh,
that's the one that we read last week. Or last
episode. Oh, was it? Perfect, yeah. It just keeps
going. He loves it. I'm assuming it's a he. 7
of 10. Not bad at all. Worth watching. I've never
been Nicolas Cage's biggest fan. In fact, he
is to acting as I am to ballet dancing. Most
of the time. Yeah, the comma is there, but most
of the time, But Seeking Justice, or Justice
as it's named in the UK, is definitely one of
his less disastrous movies. That's such a fucking
shitty review for something you give 7 out of
10 stars to. This comes out of the middle of
a review. This is neither Cage's best film or
his worst. It is also not his best hair or his
worst. In fact, I have to give Cage some credit.
His acting was far better than this film ended
up calling for. Seven of 10 stars. But the one
that makes no sense and just reeks of like sad
is waste of time. One out of 10 stars. Is Nick
Cage supposed to be the average man? If so, I
find that very offensive. You make a promise,
you have to stand by your word. Just like if
somebody says yes to - any situation even if
you regret it after fact you still gave your
word know thyself if you're drunk or angry and
make a deal then back out when you get back to
normal you clearly do not know yourself he is
a weak waste of a person the movie character
not nick cage himself i resent the premise of
this movie and i would suggest finding anything
else to watch I kind of like this. I love this
movie now. Also, tell me you're an incel without
telling me you're an incel. Right? For real.
You gotta make, you make a promise. You keep
it. Keep the promise. We were going to get chicken
tendies. So 2011, Nicolas Cage, five movies,
all of which I would consider mostly unwatchable,
except for one banger, Season of the Witch. Drive
Angry, Seeking Justice, Trespass, and the best
one, Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance. All right.
Okay, wait, hold on. Drive Angry. Fucking crushes.
I mean, that was one of my favorite in -memoriams.
Yeah. I love that movie up to a point I cannot
get to the end of that film. i mean he shoots
the devil's gun it's like it's great it's like
watching any porn i'm like and we're done uh
okay what else was there it was uh season of
the witch fine loved that too ron perlman yeah
seeking justice which is this trespass which
was yeah trespass was the uh Him and... We watched
it just recently. That movie kind of sucked.
What I do enjoy, so this came out in 2011. 2012.
Stolen. Both in New Orleans. And in both movies
he plays a character named Will. Oh, there you
go. Will he do it again? Stay tuned. For season
four of Cage Match. How many movies has he been
in where it's... Does he have the willpower?
Largely just because he lives there. I mean,
you love a place. You're trying to get money.
Like, I don't know. It's probably just easier.
He's like, I live here. I'll do it for $1 million
instead of one and a half if you shoot in my
backyard. Yeah. I mean, none of this screamed
necessary for New Orleans. It wasn't necessarily
written for that, I don't think. No, there's
really no reason it's there. I mean, they use
the Superdome as a set piece, but really only
to go to the abandoned mall next to it for the
final shootout. Yeah, you could just use any
kind of urban area. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it could
have been Cleveland. It could have been Cleveland,
you're right. Go to the Factory of Sadness and
take a piss. Now eat a hot dog. Now eat a piss
dog. I zoned out for a minute, and I think the
words I heard come out of Nick's mouth were,
go to the factory of sadness and eat a hot dog.
You heard right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the
most, like... Have you never been to Cleveland?
That is the most mid -aughts, like, Linkin Park
lyric I've ever heard. That was a nickname that
Browns fans called their stadium. That's incredible.
It was either the factory of sadness or the sadness
factory. I can't remember. That's another hat
tip for Bill, our only Browns fan. Hey, Bill,
drop down in the comments and let me know which
one it was. I could Google it, but I'm going
to wait for your comment. Yeah, we're not going
to do that. All right, so Nick Cage, let's talk
performance, because he earned a Razzie nom for
worst acting for this movie. Wow. Out of all
of his movies of 2011, they decided this was
his worst? This was his worst acting. which like
it's a little phoned in but i didn't find it
to be like terrible no it was when did the razzie
nominations come out because maybe it was just
near that maybe it was just the most recent one
yeah i mean i guess razzie's probably don't have
that much structure sure why would anyone care
just choose the movies the bad movies that are
closest to release date okay so if you're gonna
like if you're gonna rag on him at this point
you're gonna this movie that i have never heard
of and even at the time when it came out was
not anywhere like in the zeitgeist as opposed
to drive angry, which again, a lot of fun, real
bad. Also had a sex scene, but in general, like
where would you, where would you rate his acting
in this? Uh, I mean, I, I'd give it like a pretty
good six. I don't think it's necessarily his
worst. I think there are times where it's better
than not. With Nick Cage, it's those high highs
and low lows. So when you get something that's
right there in the middle, it is just forgettable
and uninteresting. But it's funny because it
didn't wash me out of the entire movie. I was
truly pretty engaged the entire time. Yeah, same.
I like this more than I thought I was going to.
My favorite, the one scene of his that really
stands out to me in terms of just dialogue and
Nick Cage being Nick Cage is when he... breaks
back into the school, so he gets suspended from
his job at some point for punching out a kid.
When he breaks back into the school, finds the
kid in there, like, tagging the place, and confronts
the kid, and the kid's like, I heard you got
picked up. What, for sucker punching another
kid? He's like, homicide. Yeah, murder one, bitch.
Murder one, and the kid's face just goes, just
goes, ah. I honestly thought everything about
his, like, in -class stuff could have been cut.
oh there's no reason for it i don't need the
the school stuff i don't need that kid i don't
need the like whatever like he could go back
and hide but you know save two minutes get rid
of that scene yeah save two minutes the the sucker
punching scene i will say you're not allowed
to hit students fair that kid swung on him yeah
that was self -defense Well, and, you know, just
because you're not allowed to do something doesn't
mean you can't. I mean, clearly. It just means
some facet of society thinks it's wrong. You
shouldn't. Yeah. And it's usually because of,
I don't know, corporate lobbying. Yeah, pretty
much. What's the movie? What's the movie we watched?
The Runner. He was a corporate lobbyist. Oh,
yeah. I forgot about that movie. That one was
truly terrible. I forgot about that movie. That
one made it into the bracket. It did make it
into the bracket. It was not an infallible system.
How did this avoid bracketing? I think it was
because of ratings. I think this was a clear
mid -seed. Yeah, fair. It probably could have
been in the bracket. It would have gotten bumped
pretty early, but I think it maybe belongs more
than some of the other ones. Same with Amos and
Andrew. I think that could have gone into the
bracket. We talked about what would you take
out, and then it would have lost anyway. It was
tough. I don't know. I tried. Fuck off. No, it
was great. I mean, you did a great job. Also,
fucking round one of this thing. Really, Peter?
Round one of this grand experiment of ours was
so long ago. It was a long time ago. It was a
hot minute. Yeah, we'll finish this at about
four and a quarter years. Yeah, if he dies early.
Yeah, I guess we have to add in all the Spider
Noir shit. I mean, he could be working for quite
some time. Yeah, that's true. What do you think
Nicolas Cage is an old man, a real get -off -my
-lawn old man is going to be like in a movie?
Oh, man. I think about Gone in 60 Seconds. there's
the Robert Duvall character who's sort of like,
I think he's got a mustache and then he's just
sort of like this old, he's like the old hat,
you know, kind of criminal. I feel like that's
where he's going to get his sort of end of times
where it's like, you're like a classy old con,
you know? Yeah. Having another Sazerac. Exactly.
I didn't, sorry, just do, God, I hate bringing
it back to this movie. I hate bringing it back
to the matter at hand. Every time he said Sazerac,
I was like, God, you sound like you don't live
in New Orleans. Or have ever had a Sazerac. Yeah,
which is bizarre. You want another Sazzy? Also,
were they at an adult dance in a high school
gym? I don't know what that was. Maybe that would
make sense if it was like... the like a faculty
prom since he works at a high school and his
friend was there and he works at the school but
also trudy was there and she's just like another
musician yeah i guess so i don't know it doesn't
make a lot of sense no but it was the dumbest
looking like box like there was no character
to the background in that it really was just
a corner of some sound stage yeah that part really
let me down and that was pretty early in but
so obviously the movie won me back over but Okay,
so let's do the final set piece, right? Okay,
so they go to the Superdome, and then he sends
Guy Pearce over to this abandoned mall. Or Guy
Pearce sends him over to the abandoned mall,
because they have his wife. It's a double -cross
situation, because his buddy is like, fuck this
guy. Yeah. And he shoots sideburns. Only when
they were like, kill him. Right. He shoots sideburns,
and he shoots cancer. sideburns doesn't get shot
sideburn gets his neck broken going down the
middle of the escalator oh that's right yeah
uh no he got a piece of glass from when they
crashed through the bottom that's what it was
yeah it was a truly wicked death like hitting
all those butt knobs and then right into like
that glass panel and getting your throat stuck
butt knobs and again when guy pierce and nick
cage go over the edge and land on the escalator
that one hurt the ground Right. When they hit
the ground, they are slow to get up. I'm like,
yeah. I'm 40, and I watched that, and I was like,
uh -uh. No, thank you. This is going to be bad.
I had to get myself a heat compress just because
of that. I was like, no, I felt it. So then Lieutenant
In -On -It shows up and is like, don't worry
about it. I'll clean this on up. You kids get
on out of here. I didn't see either of you. Looks
like a classic murder murder. They murdered each
other on different floors. Just shot that gun
at the same time. I hate it when the bullets
shoot at the same time. Busting at the same time.
Just another story of a murderer killing a murderer.
A classic murder murder. So then he goes and
he gives his DVD evidence to some chode from
the... Oh, yeah, the guy who called him out from
the newspaper. At the wake. Yeah. Hands it to
him, and then the guy goes up the escalator and
says the phrase, the hungry rabbit jumps. Eh?
Yeah. And that's it. That's the movie. Yep, so
you know the investigation's dead. Again, so
fucking dumb and needless. I don't know. I kind
of liked it still. So there was someone on the
inside who already could have, like... He stopped
all the reporting, gotten all that information.
But he didn't know where the reporting stuff
was all hidden. Right, which means he's a pretty
bad reporter because Nick Cage wasn't very good
at investigation either, and he figured it out.
Yeah. He just had to look at the receipts. Dumb.
That's true. All right, you're right, Sean. This
is dumb. But it doesn't have to be smart to get
us. Yeah, that's the thing. I can turn my brain
off for something like this, and I did enjoy
it overall. rachel and i watched it had a good
time you know it was better than other shit we've
watched yeah i liked when he was going through
walsh's desk and that lady at the other desk
was like in a hyphenate or whatever do you capitalize
both things and he's like thinks about it for
a second and then gives the most english teacher
answer i like i'm i watch it i was like those
aren't fucking words past participle i did i
did appreciate that because he was an english
teacher yeah that was that was clever that's
the only reason his teaching thing makes any
sense yeah but like so i can enjoy something
that's bad but i it needs to be engrossing and
i need to not be questioning every aspect of
it i could not do that with this movie this was
like a classic turn the brain off for me yeah
this was saturday afternoon Watching movies at
mom and dad's house. Yeah. We've watched so many
bad movies for this that I was fully able to
enjoy. Army of One. Terrible film. So dumb. I
love it. Not true. It was great. I mean, empirically.
Yeah. Pretty good. It made it through, what,
two rounds? That was a third rounder. Yeah. It
was a third rounder. That's pretty impressive.
i still liked it yeah uh you know what that's
fine i enjoyed it as well um and you know nobody
has to defend their decisions anymore yeah it
doesn't it truly doesn't matter we're not debating
right in that way that's why i'm using this medium
to let josie know i'm buying a boat bye bye I
think the only episode that Josie maybe didn't
listen to is her own episode. Okay. Yeah, I believe
that's true. Yeah. Which I can understand. It
took me a while to get used to listening to my
own voice without being like, ugh. Yeah. Nobody
enjoys listening to my voice. It's true. Listenership's
really fallen off from our high at the first
episode. Oh, man. Okay, so. I am excited for
our next film. Oh, yeah. So, next film. The Croods
won. Yeah. So the exact inversion of this, it
will be me and Sean enjoying a movie and Nick
hating it. I just don't like kids movies like
85 % of the time. Yeah. So to stick with the
tradition that we like inadvertently added last
episode. Two negative reviews, because obviously
there's plenty of people who are like, great
animation, it's amazing, it's the new Shrek,
whatever. They don't know. Shrek looks like shit.
Shrek looked awful. Always. It always looked
like shit. DreamWorks is terrible. Many implicit
messages hurting beliefs. Do not watch this movie,
especially with kids, and especially if you are
a believer. There are many points in this movie
that irritated me so much. It imposes some hidden
arguments against any belief and a creator. Fuck
yeah. Oh my god, wait, now I'm in. Don't let
your kids watch this. Total garbage, rude, insensitive,
and miseducational. Waste of time and worse.
Okay, another one. Just being like, mm -mm, doesn't
fit the Bible. Oh, man. God created, man. There
were no dinosaurs. Then you get into a lot of
them, which is not very good. Pretty bad. It
awful. It awful. Me good smart. It awful. I think
the thing I'm going to love the most about Croods
1 is punch monkeys do not exist in this movie.
What if they do? What if they just repeated that
joke? Then I would have to go back to our Croods
2 episode and be like, why is there no continuity
of them remembering Punch Monkeys? Right. Why
is this new now? Because they got punched so
hard. Yeah, exactly. Punched so hard you forgot
about Punch Monkeys. That doesn't make enough
sense for me. I remember Punch Monkeys. And they
fucking killed like 18 brain cells that day.
It's true. Just by being there. All right. Thank
you all for listening. Thank you to our Sparkle
Buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam, Bill, Stuart,
and Willow. And to our Caged Dancers, John, Freeman,
Nathan, and Cameron. If anyone wants to support
us, we are on Patreon. We also are going to have
another Nick Cage movie showing in... april on
april 11th in seattle if you want to buy a ticket
to go see prisoners of the ghost land as voted
on by the people this is the people's movie hell
yeah we're the people's theater now yeah so long
as the people want to watch nicholas cage films
exactly there see there there's a terrible movie
that's grown on me yeah well you're gonna see
it on the big screen if you want mostly because
i'm forced to own it because it was cheaper to
buy than rent And yeah, that's it. Thanks to
Bill Panks for our intro music and for you all
for listening. Send me a postcard if you'd like
to help me name my boat. Give me good boat names.
And the winner gets to go out on my boat with
me. Nice. What kind of boat would you get? A
small, unreliable one. Yeah, that sounds right.
Yep. We're going to go out into the deep water.
Just you, me, and my small, unreliable boat.
You're notoriously not a water guy. No. We're
all going to die. It's risky. It's really risky.
Penis McPenisface. Pretty good. Yeah. Okay. Bye
-bye. Drop me a postcard. No. Bye.