Oh, God. Oh, my God. So, yeah, gray hairs grow
fast. Oh, yeah, they're super slick. That's because
they're... No. They're coarse. They're coarse.
So they like push through. That makes no sense.
That doesn't make sense. If they were so coarse,
why don't they get sandpaper stuck? Why are my
follicles getting bigger? And they stand up.
Now I'm creeped out. Why are they always wet?
Yeah, well, I love a good wet hole. God, fuck.
Strong start. I'm very tired. I did not sleep
almost at all last night. Oh, nice. Yeah, right.
I got my four hours. Has anyone here ever tried
to like talk to Google, not like Google AI, but
someone at Google? Oh yeah. Every once in a while
I've, I've had to deal with that for like SEO
shit. Yeah. That's what I'm currently dealing
with today. I ended my day with an email from
Google. They've been swapping our business hours
for us every day, even though, you know, to what
isn't our business hours. And they finally emailed
me today and they're like, we found the problem.
There's this, uh, Email that has access to your
account that keeps changing them. You should
contact them and tell them to stop. To which
I replied, you mean me? Because they sent me
back my email responding to that email address.
Nice. Wow. Real good attention to detail. So
why'd you keep changing it? Yeah, stop fucking
with the dates and times, Sean. The best part,
though, was my boss was on this email thread
and just replied to me with woof. OK, so they're
dipshits. I get it. I deal with tech support
with all sorts of companies all day, all week
long. It's terrible. Every once in a while you
get like an actually good one. And I'm always
surprised by it. give them extra thanks at the
end usually i just get furious oh yeah i know
i always start with the yelling yeah and i let
them like work out like whether they want to
be a calming agent or just one of those people
that like juices me up even more and gets me
hotter and then i elevate to their supervisor
well how do you guys feel about jesus god damn
it i had a segue and everything roll it back
go ahead you know who didn't have this problem
jesus That's true. I'm sorry. The boy. Yeah.
The boy. Joshua. He does get called Joshua once.
He does. That's true. One time. Which is cool
people for Jesus, I guess. Yep. Praise Joshua.
That's like how Alfredo seems like a cool name,
but it's just Alfred. Or Arturo. It's like, it's
Arthur. Eduardo. These are just dork names. Yeah,
these are just good old -fashioned real people
names with O's at the end. Kinda. Alright, Peter
O. Nico. Yeah, Nico. Nico! Oh my god. That actually
works. Nico is what it is. Nico wafers. Nico
wafers are my favorite, man. I love just jamming
some. anus flavored nico wafers uh also welcome
back to cage magical and roundabout way me to
nicholas cage i'm your host sean here with my
co -host nick and our producer peter hello and
our special guest josie hi josie hi yeah long
time listener long time our first patreon supporter
no never called or wait you weren't our first
josh was never mind doesn't matter you were an
early patreon supporter i feel like josie was
an early hostage to this endeavor she didn't
have much choice in this one she got roped along
i mean i like to watch movies and if nick will
sit down and watch a movie with me i guess Yeah,
it's kind of a win -win in that way, except you've
had to watch a lot of bad movies. And them multiple
times. How do you feel about Nicolas Cage? Yeah.
I like most of the stuff we watch. There's some
that I don't want to watch again. Yeah, but usually
once is enough. Yeah. In those situations, it's
like, oh, okay, I watched it. That's pretty good.
Yep. There are still some that I would watch,
you know, multiple times. There was a part of
me that was like, how do I watch this again?
I kind of wanted to. not sure why this movie
oh this movie yeah that is an incorrect that
is an incorrect assumption uh yeah we'll talk
about that because i actually also kind of wanted
to watch it again i would watch it again but
yeah this is one of those movies i'd only watch
the highlights of mostly i want to see uh jesus
and satan throw hands again oh yeah yeah okay
spoilers yeah so we we watched the brand new
uh carpenter's son went to a movie theater had
the whole experience there were other people
there were people there were people in your theater
too right sean yeah no there were and it was
weird yeah for a movie that i saw no advertising
for not even on like reddit or anything like
that uh there were maybe two posts that i ever
saw about it outside of our own conversations
We knew at least one of the groups of people
as we were leaving, they were like, are you guys
religious or Nick Cage people? Oh, yeah. Like,
yeah, no, we're religious about Nicolas Cage.
That's true. Throughout this whole film, I was
trying to like stifle mad cackling at just how
hilariously bad parts of this were. And I stopped
myself because religious people are weird about
Jesus. And I didn't want to get punched. Go figure.
oh i don't know from what i hear most of the
religious people who see this film end up just
walking out because of the the blasphemes but
one dude was crying at the end of this film oh
that's so cool what i had questions why i mean
i don't see why is it because is it because the
devil lost or they were confused because it was
so annoyingly vague but not at the same time
Did they finally bust? I just figured like if
this guy's crying, if this guy's crying at a
Jesus movie, he probably doesn't want to be asked
by the guy in a dress and heels what his deal
is. that's probably fair i think the question
goes both ways at this point and you just have
to accept that it's okay but also most people
strangers don't like to be asked what's your
deal yeah hey dude that's not really a thing
that you should ask people unless they work at
a casino josey were you raised religious at all
um i went to catholic school for kindergarten
and first grade okay and then my brother graduated
eighth grade from the school and i had no one
to walk home with so i got put in public school
so that i could go home with friends okay i had
a similar experience because i went to catholic
school for kindergarten first grade and then
i got held back in the first grade and then my
parents took me out of that school that's because
they knew you were bad to the core were you held
back or held down Show us on the doll where the
priest touched you, Sean. I was too mouthy for
that. That's their favorite kind of kid. The
mouthy ones. No, because I would talk. They can't
have kids who talk. No, I just first day of first
grade, I told my teacher, Miss Cooch's, I hate
you and don't have to do what you say. And then
proceeded to do that for an entire school year.
Oh, lovely. I had a sister, Amanda. Sister. Sister
Amanda was our... That's like the lady version
of name with an O. This is name with an A. So
it's just Amanda? Yeah. See how they added an
A on the end? Here's the extra sound, the ah.
I don't know. I think I'm pretty on record for
having a speckled past with Catholic raising.
I think I talked about like... Getting held back
in like my first communion school, all my Sunday
school classes and stuff. Too many questions.
Well, I was drawing pictures. I was drawing pictures
of kids misbehaving. And that's right. The nun
was just like, we're not so sure about this one.
Let's hold him back. You were OK. You were held
back in Sunday school. I was just asked to not
be returned. Yeah, they just they told my parents,
little Sean can't come back. Yeah, well, that's
what churches are for dumping children. Exactly.
Come on. Like, obviously, your parents had a
plan. So I did K through eight in Catholic school
and, you know, was then expected in high school
years to continue going to church, which basically
meant me going to the super early mass before
I went to work in a restaurant and standing outside
of it, eating McDonald's and listening to the
priest's voice so I could hear at least a bit
of what they talked about so I could tell my
dad that I went to church. um so that's my relationship
with it um but sticks one of the things that
i always was interested though was about like
this middle section of jesus's life where it's
like what happened when he was like a little
shit teen yeah you know yeah it's sad that they
don't really ever try to address it like uh on
the record or anything on the record all these
damn apocryphal records so instead you get a
nicholas cage movie Have you read the Christopher
Moore book, Lamb? Yes. The Gospel According to
Biff, Jesus's Best Friend. I forgot about that
book. I really liked it. I love Christopher Moore,
and I've read all of his books, but that's a
good one. If you listen to it, it's read by Fisher
Stevens. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. He's my favorite
Indian. What? It's a good one. He plays and he
played it. I mean, he's a notably not Indian
guy who played an Indian guy in short circuit
and short circuit, too, I assume. What kind of
Indian like Ben Kingsley Indian or like? Yes.
Yes. I mean, they give him brown face for that,
for sure. Hell yeah. Yeah. Short circuit, huh?
I'm going to watch that in a minute. Same. I
think it's time to go home and commit a crime.
uh speaking of brownface i was just reminded
that the prince of persia movie exists and no
one in that is uh nope persian that yeah well
i mean kind of similar vibes for this movie it's
like they did not get anybody middle eastern
at all case in point nick cage i do appreciate
that the uh the white male bearded character
in this wasn't jesus they actually got someone
with melanin to play jesus that's true yeah that's
his name right yeah yeah It's Jupe, not Jupe?
Yeah, it's Jupe. Hoopa? Yeah, so Nick Cage is
the carpenter. Noah Jupe is... the boy fka twigs
is the mother i had to say that i did too it's
just fka i did one of those things it was like
how do you pronounce this and it was a video
and it was like fka twigs and i was like yeah
you probably could have cracked that code you
immediately tried like just sounding it out though
right oh yeah twigs this can't be it i'm going
to google oh why are the hours wrong on her name
ah curses Goddamn Google. FKA twigs. Yeah. Yeah.
That was something. Yeah. Peter hit it on the
head. This movie is about like, yeah, that the,
the middle, the middle of Jesus's life when he
was a shitty teen and hit it on the head. Is
that an, is that a carpenter pun? There was a
lot of, you're not my dad energy. You're not
my daddy. There was a lot of that. Yeah. Which
is also true. Yeah. I mean, depending on what
you believe. I mean, it's true in every sense.
Like, I don't think he is Nicolas Cage's child.
Well, that's true. And the carpenter was all
mad because, you know, God gave him a sign one
time and he's been like riding that high ever
since. Yeah, it bugged me. OK, I don't know much
about the Bible, but I thought Joseph and Mary
were like a couple. And then she just happened
to have. divine baby but they were not at all
a couple in this movie and he did not love her
she did yeah it was weird i think i think there's
usually like very big age gap partnership in
the bible and it was like arranged marriage type
of shit yeah she was definitely there to like
just bear bear children and do things for him
that seemed to be the vibe i will say my initial
thought about the my initial like thought when
this movie started when you just see mary like
shitting out a baby like just squat down shitting
out the kid um was just like wow they actually
are not hiding the fact that that is supposed
to be a child having a baby because she looks
13 with just a bunch of lip filler Which I think
is what Mary was supposed to be in the story,
like 13 or 14 or something like this. Yeah. I
mean, is God a perv? Yes. I mean. Hard to argue
with that. The other two thoughts I had during
this movie was, one, the way they do Jesus being
Jesus is he has like superpowers. He has mutant
powers. He has like the Superman. That's called
just Christianity. Yeah. That's how they do it
across the board. He can just hear and sense
everything. And it's just like, it's the very
lazy Superman overstimulated thing. The two thoughts
I had going into this or watching this film was
still better than 90 % of the Fox X -Men movies.
Yeah. And these new Star Wars movies do fucking
suck. Because Jesus uses the force to kill a
child. yeah we'll get there yeah i like the long
distance he sniped that kid right out did yeah
like fuck you just dropped his ass okay josey
laser give us give us the the plot rundown of
this this lovely movie obviously we now know
that jesus was butt born yeah shit out shit out
i know how babies work i'm gonna have to put
a content warning on this in a different way
I don't really know. It's just Bible -y stuff,
right? Well, they're like shunned from everywhere
they go. So they're like always on the run. Well,
also, they're worried about the king trying to
find them because they don't want to have him
be thrown on the baby burn pile. That was rough.
Intense. That was a cool way to start this movie.
That's pretty hardcore, right? All right, guys,
let me security like baggage check. Oh, baby
on the pile. Does it have a penis? Throw it in
the fire. That was my problem with that part.
As a king, don't you want more subjects? Why
are you throwing all of the babies away? So,
OK, so the Bible stuff that you're missing out
on is that the king, Herod, learns that there's
a baby to be born that will be the new king of
kings. So as current king, he's like, fuck that
shit. Every baby born right around this time,
that's a boy. Kill him. see i've never read any
oh look at me diving deep into my memories this
is good which also just god being a bit of a
hypocrite here seen as he's the whole like you're
not allowed to worship anyone but me because
i'm sensitive about that shit but you know don't
don't throw my son on the baby on the baby uh
pyre all of my well the son is also him that's
right all of my three things bible knowledge
is from uh androloid weber musicals so that's
a good way to consume it problem joseph and the
amazing technicolor dreamcoat and jesus christ
superstar there you go you got everything you
need yeah and i'm bound by law to continue saying
that Dreamcoat is still the best musical in the
world and always will be. I've done it twice.
It's so awful. Never seen it. God, it's so awful.
Why are you required to say that again? I lost
a bet in college. But it was like a game of rock,
paper, scissors. It was very low stakes. Yeah.
But I'm going to hold to it because I'm a man
of integrity. I appreciate that. Oh, are you?
That's what I said. Those are the words that
I recorded. All right. That's why you and Jesus
are so similar. Yeah. That and our Technicolor
Dreamcoats. Okay, so they escape the burn pile
by having him in a saddlebag? Yeah, I think so.
I thought he was going to be in that roll in
the back and they were just going to lay him.
Like they burritoed him. It's called swaddling.
Yeah, so they run away. And they just keep finding
new villages to stay in. And he, Joseph, well,
the carpenter gets a job and then they get found
out and then they run again. They finally find
a village when he's like, what is he? Probably
15. I like that when they find the housing, a
guy is just like. It's down that way and then
on the left and they just like wander around
in the cave. Randomly find a house that's unoccupied.
Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's weird. It's plague
times, right? Or leprosy times. Yeah, the way
they check if like demons have come into the
house is they put sand on the doorway and if
there's chicken feet in it, you know that a demon's
been in there. So they can only move to towns
without chickens. Yeah. Yeah. That chicken had
very just even steps too. Like it was two chicken
feet just right next to each other. And then
like a couple of inches later, two more chicken
feet. Like you just. Oh, just hopping. Maybe
it hops. It's a hopping chicken. Just doing a
cock hop. Like a. The cock hop. What roosters
are known for there. You going to the cock hop
later? Yep. I was thinking maybe like a crow.
Cock a hop -a -loo. That doesn't work. That's
terrible. I liked it. So because. Joseph can't
relate to his not son. Joseph like locks Jesus
like in a shed every night. Yeah. This is so
dumb. It's so weird. Because like Jesus can just
reach through the slats and pull out the bit
of wood that locks him in the shed. I loved that.
I loved it. It's just like a bunch of like kind
of open, not even like processed lumber or anything.
It's just like. Here's a bunch of raw wood kind
of lashed together in the resemblance of like
a prison cell. Yeah. And you can just reach out
and move your kind of like. I will say as a parent,
there's definitely a window of time. And Jesus
at 15 is beyond that. But where you can kind
of just like close a door and a kid is like,
guess that's that. I mean, you get a laundry
hamper and a heavy enough book and you're fine
for at least 20 minutes. Yeah, 15 -year -olds
can't figure out a laundry hamper. Nah. But yeah,
so he breaks out a lot. Also, he makes a new
friend in the town who just happens to be Satan.
Satan? Yeah. Is it not a skewered meat? uh well
there's satay and there's also satan satan satay
yeah yeah a fake meat satay i will say uh i will
say uh the fake meat uh satan um that fucking
you know That's end of days for me. That just
runs right through. Doesn't it go right through
everybody? It's like huge amounts of just consuming
gluten. It's only the gluten. It's all farts
for me. Like I eat it and I'm just like loud
ass clappers all over the place. Now that clears
me out. Oh yeah. So we all agree, satan is bad.
Yeah, it's not good. This is not a pro satan
podcast. I guess we're with Jesus on this one.
Yeah, he makes friends with this little kid and
like the like she she lives with the. The lepers
and everything with the sick, she doesn't have
a family and she's got like weird cutting scars
like she was the first like. I don't know, emo
kid, like first tortured soul. Yeah. But it's
like on her face and like, oh, but they play
this stupid game where it's like, see how close
you can get to touching the leper without touching
him. And then she's like, how fun is this? Yeah.
Aren't we having such a good time over this basically
dying person? They hadn't invented Nintendo yet.
That's true. Pac -Man hadn't shown up on the
scene yet. This is what we had to do. Yeah. I
mean, you know, Stand By Me is about going and
finding a dead body. You know, it's like times
haven't changed that much. Yeah. The 80s aren't
that far away. Then she then she like pushes
Jesus onto the dead body and or onto the leper
and he gets cured. Yeah. And then but it's a
slow burn because he was still kind of ugly.
Well, he was only, like, cured on that one spot
where he, like, fell on him. Yeah. Touch me more.
Yeah, that's so creepy, too. Like, hey, man,
you cured my ear. I need you to touch me all
over. Just give me the full. Yeah. The leper
show up to his shed and, like, grab him. That
was, like, the one creepy part was when he goes
back into his shed and, like, the hand comes
out of the shadow. Yeah. Yeah, and he brings
the whole leper colony with him. yeah do you
think this is uh the story that inspired all
the catholic priests like they're just out there
trying to cure the little kids and they're like
them of their innocence yeah they're like we
have to touch you we'll let us touch the pain
away oh no gross but yeah you're right that was
like the the almost horroriest moment in this
there's a couple other ones where it's like jesus
is visions of the future and he sees himself
crucified and yeah him in the the tomb in the
shroud which like you know it's a jump scare
oh he's breathing but like that visual was kind
of cool yeah there were some really cool visuals
the visuals of like him on the cross i thought
was well shot like this one thing about this
film is like they actually had probably a decent
dp like i didn't check to see who it was like
i mean probably fucking nobody no i mean visually
correct they did look very good work i mean like
i liked a lot of uh the visuals on this film
for a very colorless palette of desolate landscape
i guess yeah yeah pretty good house paint hadn't
really made its way no i get that i get that
but except for her uh shawl that was so blue
yeah well that's also a mary thing mary's iconography
is all blue that i know but yeah it's like where'd
she get those fucking dyes how did you get that
dye maybe jesus blessed it's god blessed yeah
one of the visuals that i did not enjoy was um
later he has a vision of hell and it's just this
like oh it looks like a weird like writhing sort
of arm it's a butthole but everything it's it's
they look like they look like bodies kind of
yeah but they're like weird butt bags like they're
they're not like actually human beings they're
sort of like just amorphous blobs and suffering
if you had a bunch of like writhing yeah maggots
on your butt like a if the sarlacc pit was covered
in maggots yeah and that's kind of what it looked
like it was not done well enough for me to like
that one they should have gotten a bunch of people
and put them in sacks and painted them white
and then had them right that would be pretty
crazy if you got like 70 dancers in sex oh yeah
and just really let them like go at it or well
they'd be fucking in those sacks too by the way
like the labyrinth when the hands Catch her on
her way down and they talk. Those guys, that
would have been interesting. That's effective.
The weird CG butt bags did not do it. Oh, it
would be so cool if they got those little flame
Muppets from... And that was hell. Fire eaters.
Thank you. That would be good. That's a good
hell. That is hell. The main conflict in this
film is between Joseph and it's just you know
joseph or the carpenters you know mean to his
son and then his son rebels and then uses his
powers then the town comes after them and well
he rebels because satan well and also like whispers
in his ear yeah yeah true so it's just i mean
it ultimately comes down to jesus is a teenage
boy he's horny he he's you know peeping on his
mute neighbor um oh yeah lilith and then yeah
and then yeah and then you know uh you know uh
satan comes and like whispers stuff in his ear
and he's like you know you know come find me
with all the sick people you know they fuck right
i did like that the carpenter is tasked with
making an idol and that like peeves jesus off
because that's kind of god's whole thing you
know Oh, you know, he didn't want to do it either
because he's like a good holy, holy different
religion. Yeah. OK, here's what I fucking hate
in this or any movie where we're just supposed
to feign disbelief that because everyone speaks
English because it's an it's a movie filmed in
English. There's always the scene where background
people are speaking a different language. That
was kind of weird. Yeah, I think they should
have gone the full like Mel Gibson Passion of
the Christ where everyone had to learn Aramaic
or some shit. Yeah. Give me subtitles. I also
just like subtitles. It might have kind of cleaned
up Cage's performance. If he was speaking a different
language, because then we wouldn't be looking
at his face when he's talking. That's true. It
was a little blocky. Yeah. I think FKA Twigs
had probably the best line delivery of the three.
Like she actually kind of got into more of a.
When she finally had a rhythm. Room to speak.
Yeah. Once she was allowed to speak. Because
most of it is just her like in blue. To Josie's
point, just like standing and looking. pouty
face pouty faced yeah yeah she is shockingly
older than i thought she was i mean she's she's
what like she's an adult 38 or something yeah
yeah i assumed she was younger oh yeah she has
a very young face yeah no yeah she's been on
the scene for a while just not as much she was
born in 88 oh okay so she's only like four years
younger than us she made better choices than
i did yeah she was in the crow remake so maybe
she didn't oh yeah i didn't see that but it made
me angry to look at the images of it oh yeah
yeah everything i read about that movie is that
it was not worth watching so well the original
is one of my favorite movies so and the best
soundtrack of ever yeah that's a good uh no spawn
the motion picture did you did you look at that
soundtrack of course i did no this okay one second
uh talk amongst yourselves for a second i need
to i'm gonna share this once i find it let's
see i'm gonna look through my notes idolatry
baby burn pile weird way of praying with claw
hands oh yeah that was really weird that that
pose that they would do when they were praying
oh yeah it looks so fucking intense gripping
the air grabbing god by the fucking nuts It's
the best way to get his attention. Yeah, true.
Yeah. So we had, you know, pretty much all of
it. You know, I didn't fall asleep through this
movie at all. See, I feel like that's a testament
to you left. I had a coughing fit and then I
went and got a cider. I went and got a beer.
Yeah. I stayed up through the whole thing. I
almost fell asleep. I almost fell asleep during
this movie. I fall asleep during almost every
movie. Like early on in this film, like in the
first 20 minutes, I was nodding off. The baby
burn pile didn't get you going. Everything after
that was just like, that's true. Fuck it. They
started, they started, they came in hard. They
came, they came in hard. Then it was all downhill
until like, Jesus is like pulling snakes out
of people's throats. Yeah. That was pretty cool,
too. Those snakes had weird heads. They really
did. Are those real? I think that is a type of
actual snake. Oh, okay. Because I was like, I've
never seen anything like that before. It's a
Saharan horned viper. Oh, okay. And it actually
does look just like that. Yeah. Thick body and
all. Thick with two Cs. It's apparently, like,
science name is Sarastes sarastes. Awesome. I
love a good double name. Yeah. That was the most
egregious CG in the film and it wasn't terrible.
The butt bags were worse than that. They're not
in focus enough where I find that it was like
that distracting. Fair enough. That scene with
all of the people in chains and on the cross
being crucified and stuff was crazy too. Like,
why? Why were they there? Yeah. All of them.
Is that. That's pretty much it. Who decides that
though? Like they didn't really. Who decides
it now? The Pharisees. Yeah. Yeah. But they're
like out in the middle of nowhere. It was sort
of the middle of nowhere. It was weird that they
had like a whole, you know. Plus there was that.
Gibbet. Sort of thing. Other religion with the.
Right. With the weird like beard god. Yeah. What
was. Whose religion were they sinning? That's
a. That's actually a pretty good fucking point.
Yeah. I do like how Jesus's ultimate way of rebelling
against his father is like, I'm going to go.
I'm going to go commit some miracles. You can't
stop me. Yeah. What a rebel. But that does bring
us to when he just fucking kills that kid who's
going to. Well, I was going to say before that.
Yeah. The carpenter and the mother are like going
to skip town. And then the carpenter goes to
find their son. And then Mary just gets cold
cocked. oh yeah i forgot about that and then
yeah then we have uh yeah uh one of the one of
the local boys uh local children that uh jesus
is like a tutor of or like meets in the class
with or something yeah um spies spies the boy
like in the forest and yells you know he's here
and then jesus snipes him with you know his force
powers his mind bullets his mind bullets that's
telekinesis kyle and then uh satan and jesus
fucking uh fucking throw hands they have a good
tussle yeah i like when i fight i like when it
cuts into like uh joseph's view right and you
can see like weird creepy like old lady yeah
yeah i couldn't tell i mean i think satan is
very like gender ambiguous for everybody right
and yeah i couldn't tell if that was supposed
to be like an older lady or an older dude even
the little girl is kind of ambiguous which fingernails
for sure it's very yeah ambiguous uh in terms
of gender because you know If there was one thing
the Christians are scared of, it's us non -binaries.
That's probably why everyone's up in arms. It's
like, this isn't a bad portrayal of Jesus, I
don't think. It's just too scary. One of the
things that I thought was kind of a cool effect,
speaking of all the cutting scars on Satan, was
as it progressed, those started to open up. Oh,
yeah. As we got to the climax of the entire film,
they were like gaped wounds. Yeah, they were
pretty gross. Yeah. bloody hands and faces and
stuff yeah when when jesus and uh and satan were
uh were throwing down in the theaters when i
finally kind of like lost lost it and started
audibly laughing at the film i laughed a couple
i i at least laughed once i don't remember what
it was about same yeah I was trying to remember
and it just completely. It was something that
was totally heavy handed. It was when the carpenter
died and yeah, like a little halo appears around
his head. I really wanted him to like be one
of the weasels that laughs themselves to death.
And then he would have like. his ghost just floated
up that would have been that's what it was incredible
yeah because that's what i thought of roger rabbit
is amazing yeah i need to re -watch that i bet
the dogs would go crazy if we watched it though
because the weasels probably let their control
of that lapse like it went back to the original
went back to the uh creator interesting who apparently
now wants to make a live action Jessica Rabbit
movie. So I feel like that guy doesn't know what
to do with that property. I'm on board for this.
Everything about this seems correct to me. She
will fall over and break an ankle. So my main
question at the end of all of this was, ultimately,
who is this movie for? Because I don't know.
Because the way it was originally kind of...
sold from what i understood was this is supposed
to be like a horror horror movie i mean that's
certainly how they presented it in trailers yeah
well and there are certainly elements near the
end that i think the nature of the story itself
kind of just lends itself to that sort of like
supernatural scare um i'm not no i'm not saying
this movie was scary at all it's not no but um
it felt like like near the end they had a little
bit of that sort of uh supernatural tension and
i liked that i liked it when it when it was doing
that i wish the movie had more of that throughout
it uh it seemed to really kind of just come up
in the end like the first two -thirds of the
movie are joseph being a dick and like praying
a lot and jesus being a kid like touching lepers
this almost seems like the ip ran uh what's the
copyright or whatever that is public domain the
public domain ran out on this so because there's
steamboat willie there is a horror movie about
steamboat blood and honey so maybe it's time
for the bible so maybe we're gonna get like lots
here's here's our new one jesus the pope forgot
to mail out a check at the end of the year it's
like oh no jesus is public domain we lost all
those bible stories there's gonna be so many
different like weird teen christ stuff yeah this
is like skateboarding jesus i love fucking radical
you're gonna get like jesus peeing on things
they're gonna replace calvin yeah on the back
of trucks some god nuts yeah i don't know i've
said what i have to say about this film it it's
fine i did not enjoy it so i had never like heard
anything like i i knew these things this story
existed but i didn't know anything about it uh
sean have you ever read any of the uh infancy
gospel of thomas no no peter have you read or
heard any of it very little so i wanted to know
about it and i was like really trying to think
like what am i gonna like talk about with this
one um first i was like i'll just troll the christian
subreddits and i was like that's not very fun
so i lowercase l learned about the uh the infancy
gospel of thomas which is what this movie is
kind of like based on like that is the the general
gist of it and so i watched two youtube videos
and i read the wikipedia page for it and boy
howdy is it super cool i fucking love the infancy
gospel of thomas and i'm going to read you the
notes that i took while i was learning about
it so It all starts when some dude catches five
year old Jesus playing in the mud. He was like
making clay on the Sabbath. That dude reprimands
Joseph and Joseph's like, you know, hey, Jesus,
you know, you can't be doing that. And Jesus
says to the dude who reprimanded Joseph, he's
like, your fruit will have no root and your shoot
will be withered like a scorched branch in the
wind and then fucking kills the dude's kid. jesus
is like fucking talk to me like that boom now
your kid's dead end of the line i did enjoy the
film when uh jesus gets pissed off with the uh
with the teacher with the priest um And like
the priest brings him back to Joseph. It's like,
you know, your child knows things he should not
know. It's like, what did you say to him? I told
him when he would die. Jesus went hard. So let
me burn through this because I got like three
pages. But I want to talk about my research.
Yeah. uh that sounds like the spawn soundtrack
uh so the village boy some other village boy
is running past and he bumps into five -year
-old jesus and like doesn't apologize or something
so jesus turns and he says curse be you because
of your leader i don't know And kills that boy
in the street, too. Damn. Yeah. Little five year
old Jesus was a fucking serial killer. I mean,
I will tell you, kids are crazy. Yeah. And you
give a kid God powers, God powers. It is God
who has zero like personal skills. Like also
Old Testament, God was a dick. You murk people
all the time. Yeah, it was like this whole thing.
So you just put that in a five year old's body,
like full comprehension of everything. And like.
normal god doesn't take shit why would five -year
-old god take shit so some villagers see that
and they get pissed and they tell joseph that
like the family's gotta go and so jesus this
is like the last time i'm gonna pull a quote
from the the translations but jesus says to joseph
since you know wise words you're not ignorant
of where they come from they were spoken of a
five -year -old and they won't be raised and
they will receive their punishment. So he's basically
like, you're going to let these motherfuckers
talk to a kid like that. I'm going to punish
them now. And to punish all the villagers for
calling him out on shit that they all saw murder.
He makes them all go blind. He's like, yeah,
I'm not going to kill you, but I'll make this
whole village go blind. Jesus. Yeah. So what
I'm getting is the new Testament is just Jesus
pulling in. My name is Earl. Yeah, pretty much.
So some dude like Zacharias or something tries
to tutor Jesus, but then he's like, fuck that.
Jesus is like, fuck that. You're a worm to me.
You don't know shit. You can't even possibly
come to my level of learning. And he gets all
arrogant and tells the village, I was playing
with you because I know you're small -minded
and amazed with small things. oh yeah sorry that
was my last quote from this and that's when i
realized that the gop really is the party of
jesus but everybody's like okay and then fucks
off they're like totally fine with it they're
like well yeah okay all right we're small -minded
people that's what we get so jesus goes with
uh zach and but he's like a shitty student because
he already knows everything so he And has a dick
attitude. Yeah. So he chews Zacharias out and
then he does it so effectively that Zacharias
becomes his student. And then he gets so stupid,
like he feels so stupid about everything that
he quits teaching forever. This little five year
old just owns you so bad that you're like a grown
ass, like, you know, educated Jewish man. And
you're like, I can't, you know, I can never teach
letters again. And so Jesus was like, well, he's
like, watch this and makes all the blind people
see again. And he brings back all the kids that
he killed and nobody fucked with Jesus anymore.
They're just like, OK, well, clearly we don't
fuck with that one. So time goes on and Jesus
is up like playing on a roof. He's like eight
now. Time goes on and he's like playing on a
roof with some other kid. it's you know those
flat roof houses and this kid falls off the roof
while they're playing and the parents blame jesus
they're like oh i mean you've got a track record
uh you totally killed our kid and jesus was like
it wasn't me And so he goes down to the shower.
It wasn't me. Exactly. He pulls a shaggy. So
he goes down to the street where the kid's still
fucking laying and he brings the kid back to
life just so the kid will tell his parents that
Jesus didn't kill him. And then like while the
parents are like so ecstatic to have their kid
back, he lets the kid die again. He's just like.
that's it you can go back to death because it
was a natural death natural death it was meant
to be jesus cast speak with dead yeah yeah five
questions that's the you know what i know my
dnd five questions is all you get that's all
you get yeah jesus asked five times did i kill
you and he's like no no no so uh jesus was kind
of like right about stuff and he does some like
crazy miracles and stuff like uh my favorite
one here is like he He literally stretched the
length of some of his dad's lumber so that the
wood would be the right length for a project
he was making. Like it was too short. So just
like in the movie, he made those shelves too
short because he's a shitty carpenter. So he
did that, which was pretty cool. And apparently
he never learned to read. in these like they
three times they try to get teachers for Jesus
to teach him how to read like he knows all this
stuff and like at one point like somebody tries
to teach him his letters and he goes so hard
on this guy like he gives like the most like
divine description of the very first letter of
the alphabet like enough to like make this guy
like shatters his soul he's like how can I know
anything when this guy knows like the shape and
the rhythm and the like the the like depth of
you think you know the letter a alpha like jesus
christ so uh joseph gets him like a second teacher
after zach uh this guy's name is levi if i remember
right uh and this teacher fights jesus and totally
slaps him so jesus just straight kills him i'm
still hung up on how we went from jesus cast
speak with dead to performing miracles Like stretching
wood. Bring back the dead. Close up magic. So
after he kills his second teacher, Levi, Joseph
and Mary ground him. So they lock him in the
house. You're not allowed to leave the house
because you keep fucking killing people. Don't
do any close up magic on this fucking lock. It's
very hardcore. Don't even think about moving
my two by four either. So after that, a third
dude is like, you know what? I think I got this.
I could change him. I can teach Jesus. So Jesus
goes to school like he just comes in and he's
like complimentary and he's nice to Jesus. And
so Jesus goes to school with him and he just
impresses everybody. And the teacher, like instead
of like trying to get him to do what he wants,
he's just like, oh, yeah, go on, like speak your
mind, like just just do it. And so Jesus just
kept speaking and the teachers. say he did like
great and essentially it's like you graduated
so he went to school for a day and the teachers
were like you got it all man we don't need to
do anything everybody claps as he leaves and
he probably he's like homecoming prince amongst
men all those rivals are wiping a tear of joy
out of their eyes god i begrudgingly love this
okay so his last two teachers went blitheringly
insane third teacher was like you're good you
graduate here's your diploma leave yeah i guess
smart yeah and so they were just cool so as like
a i don't know like a parting gift to the school
jesus was like you know you were cool so i'll
bring back that last teacher that i killed like
teacher three you're cool I'll let Levi come
back. So he does. And he does more like good
miracles and stuff. And everybody decided that
he was holy or something. But yeah, so he like
he gets all like holy and stuff. And so one time,
like his parents and he were going to like Jerusalem
for Passover. And when they were leaving, Jesus
was just like, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to fucking hide out. and stay and they
leave without him and they just don't realize
like they think he was in the back of the wagon
home alone yeah he home alone himself in jerusalem
and joe pesci shows up and they figure out he's
not there they like run back to go find him and
jesus was just like they looked for him for like
three days and tell me he threw a party they
found him in one of the temples and he was just
surrounded by all the like priests and scholars
giving like theological just like debates and
like not being mean but like talking to people
and like going back and forth the few things
that's actually in like regular new testament
too yeah so and some of these things are actually
like also referenced in the quran and uh the
the torah maybe i don't remember i don't know
no probably not the torah yeah that kind of predates
this yeah um other things though But so his parents
chew him out for sneaking off. It's in Torah
2. Torah 2. The revenge. He just kind of brushes
it off. And then like a bunch of ladies were
like, oh, my God, to marry. They're like, oh,
my God, you birthed God. You're so cool and great.
And that's where she kind of gets into her like.
super cool like i'm the mother of god like uh
state yeah and so everybody that's the one yeah
then yeah and then everybody's cool and jesus
stops acting like a bitch so part of that was
a retelling of what sean went through in the
first grade I was going to say, I'm like, am
I Jesus? Yeah. How many of your teachers did
you kill and then bring back? Oh, none of them.
None of them have been brought back. Bring back
Sister Amanda. All right, Josie, what are your
final thoughts on this one? I would rewatch it
just to see what I actually missed now that I
know more things. i want that movie it was super
vague yeah i want this mixed with bright burn
oh my god i mean that's kind of what this is
and it's what i feel like it's spiritually what
it spiritually what it wants to be but yeah no
i feel like it needs to go harder one way or
the other it's very middle of the road until
the last the third act is when it's like this
is the movie we should have had the whole time
Yeah, I want more moody team Jesus. I wanted
more horror elements. I know you guys aren't
horror people, but I am. So you can do some fucked
up shit with that. You're right. It's like do
more like crazy murking people off or like miracles,
you know, like both of those things are fascinating
to watch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just have Jesus like
wither somebody. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. all right
so uh on the cage oh on the cage spectrum good
cage bad cage bad cage good cage good bad bad
good i'm going bad cage yeah yeah that's fair
that's fair yeah i mean just because he's a carpenter
it doesn't like it doesn't excuse those wooden
wooden deliveries like my faith is shaken but
i mean like That's pretty cool because Joseph
was a total dick about religion in the in the
text as well. That's true. So it's like, well,
I mean, like, really, everything's pretty close.
It just missed. Shitty cage, like an OK movie.
Yeah, I'm with it. I would watch it again. I'm
curious, but there's no chance that I would ever
watch this movie. If not for the cast that it
has. We could get some peyote and watch it. I'm
sure that would make this movie interesting.
Yeah, we can watch more of that. Like Horned
Snake. Yeah. Horny Snake. Here was the research
I did after watching this movie. Google. Did
Jesus ever kill someone with the force? AI overview?
No. According to the canonical gospels, Jesus
did not kill anyone with the force. Yeah. So
you got to ask Grok on Twitter. It'll tell you
that Elon Musk is like hotter than Jesus or that
Jesus was a Nazi or that Jesus was a Nazi. Whatever.
I would give this one a skip. Fair enough. I
mean, it made no money for it again. Well, not
many people did. It made one hundred thousand
dollars. Oh. I had so many like I had such a
hard time finding this film playing at a reasonable
hour, like most nights I couldn't find a screening
before 10 p .m. Sunday, there was like I found
a 630 showing, but I had to drive out to Tiger
to like. See it, which is just like that's a
weird amount of like distance to drive for a
movie I don't want to see. But are obligated
to see. Yeah, this is my cross to bear. That's
all folks. That's all I got. And now it's everyone
else's cross to bear. Yeah. Well, thank you all
for listening. And next up, we actually are going
to do Grindhouse. I know I said that last time,
but then this movie came up and I had forgotten
that it was on the agenda. So Grindhouse coming
up with Cage Dancer John. So thank you to our
Sparkle Buddies, Josh, Josie. Hello, Josie. That's
me. That's you. Thanks, Josie. Matt, Adam, Bill,
Stuart, and Willow. And to our Cage Dancers,
John, Freeman, Nathan, and Cameron. And to Bill
Panks for our intro music. Yeah, I don't know.
yay jesus hey boo satan don't forget kids they
pay us enough money and you can be on our show
too that's right once one time Does he know this
one? Only the good ones know the thumb trick.
I think that was on one of the scrolls that I
didn't catch on Wikipedia.