Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Welcome back, Shay. Four
-timers club. Look at you. Starting off. Thanks,
guys. One more time, you get a jacket. Yeah,
that's right. I should make cage match jackets.
Wood wear. Yeah. I mean, if we get a really good
one, like quality stitching of his face on a
jacket. Fuck yeah. I'm into that. I would advertise
the fuck out of this podcast by wearing that
jacket all year round. I still think about that
guy at the Rilo Kylie concert who had the face
off shorts. Oh, yeah. one face on each cheek
it's a perfect divide at the uh at the line but
it was on front and back yeah i feel like you
would get weird bulging with their nose and mouth
zone on the front you're maybe i'm being too
generous for myself Shay, if you did not get
a message from me because I don't remember if
I told you about it, we are watching the movie
Mandy in the theater that we rented out for the
finale on the 23rd. It's a Thursday night. OK,
which probably not the best for your drive, but
OK, cool. And if you haven't seen Mandy, it's
a fucking trip. I don't think I have. So I probably
I can't tell if it's up your alley or not. Like,
how do you feel about gross horror adjacent?
cult movies it really depends i it honestly some
of them i can stand and some of them i'm like
why have i lost two hours of my life how do you
feel about cult leader penises and bathrobes
oh sorry kimonos yeah it is a kimono body parts
in general don't freak me out so oh no wait this
is yeah like it's not like willem dafoe's penis
no which was apparently terrifying wait Speaking
of scary penises, here's what happened to me
yesterday. Yes. Oh, yeah. Go on, please. So I
have I printed a xenomorph chestburster for my
friend who's pregnant for a Halloween costume.
And it just it's this. Big phallic thing, and
I was on a call with my therapist yesterday and
didn't realize that it was just sitting right
here, so it looked like there was just a big
red dildo behind me the entire call. And then
I saw it and realized I've had several work meetings
today. Fucking awesome. Good call. Good cock.
Yeah, yeah. Someone's calling HR right now. Yeah,
exactly. Those cowards. I have not heard anything
yet. Well, you've removed it now, so maybe. The
next meeting. OK, crafting those emails generally
take a little bit of time to like HR is not going
to like have a blanket dildo in the background.
I say you beat him to the punch and you just
write an email back and be like, so regarding
the dick in my background, it wasn't. And then
direct them to the Xenomorph Wikipedia page.
It's just subject line. Ari, my wang. My wang.
Wang. Wang. Ah, Peggy Sue. What a fucking stupid
movie. Indeed. It's the lovely month of October
and the perfect time for a Christmas movie. It
comes earlier and earlier every year. Before
we get into that, welcome back to Cage Match,
calling around about Wave Media, Nicholas Cage.
I'm your host, Sean, here with my co -host. Nick.
And our producer. Hello, Peter. I'm here. What?
First time returning guest. Shay. Welcome back.
Welcome back. hey hey y 'all and your second
animated uh review yeah you you've made um you've
forced me at at you forced me to watch some interesting
things Listen, the Boom Boom Pow still fucking
hits. This movie could have used some Boom Boom
Pow. Yeah, this movie could have used some Black
Eyed Peas. Yeah. And more Tracy Morgan. Oh, okay.
So speaking of the music of it, though, holy
fuck. The music at the end, Kate Winslet singing
that song. What the fuck? That started rolling
and we were just like, I'm done. Yeah, nope.
I think. For context to our listeners, we're
discussing Christmas Carol, colon, the movie
from 2003. 2001, which most people would probably
assume was that Robert Zemeckis like hot piece
of shit. I did. Most people do. This is a British
movie that came out and to no fanfare after a
six million pound budget. It made like no money.
Every pound that went into it. And every pound
that was excluded from it. So so part of the
challenge of this movie was definitely fucking
finding it. Right. Yeah. It was not on any services
that I could. Dug it up on the Internet Archive.
Did you find it somewhere? I rented it on Amazon
for two bucks. Did it look as dog shit as the
version I found for everyone? Probably. I was
looking for the version you sent. I couldn't
I couldn't find it. So I'm like, I'll just rent
it. Wow. OK. It did not look good. I believe
I texted you. that this movie looks like shit
yeah i think i said the same thing to peter but
i was like it's not because of the video quality
if you know what i mean right the video quality
actually does it a service in blocking us from
having to see it so much like i've never been
so so thankful for pixels yeah i i got like i
always get like a cascade of texts from everybody
who's watching these movies and this was like
very consistent messaging coming across Can I
just say three things at the top? Yes. One, how
dare you make me watch a Christmas movie in October?
Two, how dare you make me watch this movie at
all? Ever. Ever. Three, I liked the mice. Okay.
Yeah, that's one of my bullet points. We're going
to get there. Yeah, I just needed to just get
my three. I do. I do want to share my initial
text to Peter. I just from my from my couch with
my phone, just took a photo of a still of the
character Joe when he's first introduced to with
the caption. I found a gear heart in this movie.
Which one's Joe? Joe is the guy who's shaking
people down for money. Oh, Joe fucking rock.
See? Yeah, he was the best part of this movie.
I agree. So it's a Christmas carol. We all know
the story. We don't need to recap it because
they don't. change it at all except they add
cartoon mice because it's a cartoon well they
also have the sandwiching of charles dickens
reading it to a crowd of people yeah so there's
the live action intro and outro yeah depending
on which version you got yeah which version you
get because they cut that out for dvd release
but it added so much quality it was so worth
it uh but here's my question just about the christmas
carol story in general what the fuck does bob
not bob cratchit uh fucking tiny tim's dad yeah
crash it what does it do yeah i don't know he's
like a book tallier he's like yeah he's just
like he just writes in a book he keeps the books
he's the accountant he's an excel spreadsheet
yeah yeah but he doesn't he's not looking at
anything he's not talking anybody he's just writing
in a book i don't know He's got it all in his
head, okay? Yeah, he's got a very talented brain.
How dare you? It's a beautiful mind. Do you know
how many more pounds they would have had to pay
to animate pages next to him that he shuffles
through aimlessly looking for receipts? They
spent a large amount of their budget on the animated
3D mice at the beginning and end. Yeah. I did
like the transition from 3D mouse to 2D mouse.
Yeah, I will say, though, that 3D mouse, you
remember that movie? way in the 80s i think it
was released and it had the little live action
but animated little mouse in a car driving around
god what is it like a stewart little kind of
thing or kind of but it wasn't that it was like
no was richard gear in it no i'll was it in richard
gear i'll think about it was it in richard gear
yeah that's an important question which small
rodent was in richard Anyway, it reminded me
of the 80s. OK, when you remember, just yell
it out randomly, no matter who's talking, just
so we can have it for later. You're maybe our
most podcast guest ever. So you know how this
works and we know you. One of the things that
I was sort of realizing because I looked at this
is like the last movie we reviewed was Deadfall
1993. This movie is September 15th, 2001. And
it's like that's a big gap right there. But it's
a testament to the shit that he was doing. successfully
in that window of time between 93 and 2001 because
we hit all of those movies. This seems like a
weirdly small role for him at this point in his
career. I don't understand why he did this based
on the enthusiasm of his performance. I don't
know that he did do this. I think they just caught
him like sleep talking. And he just knew the
lines. He didn't even attempt the accent. Like,
he could have slaughtered a British accent. No
accent. No, like, ghost noises. It was just like,
I am Marley. Oh, you thought that was a British
accent? I thought he was attempting. I thought
there was some, like, dropped R's, you know?
Because I was trying to tune in on that as well.
But it was only like, it was like three words.
I felt like he was. Trying to slide in there,
but again, only attempting and it was horrible.
It's pretty bad. Yeah. Maybe he's only got three
British words and he tries to slide those in,
but the rest is like Boston Cop. Oh, the mouse
and the motorcycle. Oh, I do remember that. But
that mouse was better and that was 1987. That's
all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. See, Shay,
this is why we couldn't figure it out. You said
car. I did say car. I did say car. My brain,
it turned it into a car in my mind, in my mind's
eye. I mean, a motorcycle is just half of a car.
I knew it was a vehicle. I mean, a car is just
two motorcycles with a little house in the middle.
Right. Yeah. You understand how this works. Yeah.
I'm on IMDb right now. This was like so the director
of this movie, Jimmy T. Murakami. This was his
final like film. Well, his final like important
film is like biggest one. He did a music, a Kate
Bush music video after this. Yeah. This was his
last like film, like feature film. I hadn't realized
that I actually knew this director when we were
watching this. And one of the things that kind
of came across to me when. they're doing the
ghost of Christmas present, right? Where he's
like flying around the city and it's very, you
know, swirly animation. And it's like, Oh, this
is actually kind of well done. And it, it reminded
me of this old short called the snowman that
I saw when I was younger, which is like sort
of a, they made a book about, you know, exactly
what I'm talking about with that one theme, the
music. Yeah. You know exactly what I'm talking
about. yeah no i know i wish i could so rachel
hates that movie because she's like that music
makes me like sad immediately when i hear it
because you know the snowman ultimately like
melts or some shit you know whatever it's not
yeah um but it's the same director oh So that
was one of his early movies. And then he used
a lot of that same technique for this one. So
like some of that, because that movie is kind
of trippy in its visuals. And a lot of that flying
scene feels sort of like magic trip, you know,
and I was like, ah, this is why this feels so
fucking familiar. It's one of the only scenes
that has any real kind of like art direction
behind it. They kind of try and do something
different also with the ghost of Christmas future
where. It's more of a still and very rough. Maybe
the budget ran out at that point. I don't know.
The ghosts are the only mildly interesting thing
to look at in this movie. Yeah, mildly. Very
mildly. Do y 'all watch King of the Hills? Are
you pretty familiar with it? Yes, I'm pretty
familiar. Is this snowman music? Yeah. So like
Enya is just doing snowman music? Pretty much.
Cool. You know what? I completely lost. I'm going
to put that on the speaker out in my Halloween
display now. Fantastic. It just really confused
everyone. What were you saying? I don't even
remember. Oh, I said something about King of
the Hill. Oh yeah, King of the Hill. You were
familiar with it. And there's one episode. I
have it on DVD. So I've seen. I think like the
first season and the second season, like a million
times. And there's an old woman in one episode
where there's a tornado at the trailer park and
they're all like going down into the cellar.
And she's like, get in the Frady hole. And it's
like trying to get down there. The ghost of Christmas
past. was so that woman was so that when she
was in the old mode like old decrepit mode i
was like get in the frady hole in my mind i can't
stop i can't stop your listeners have now i've
lost them all i'm sorry no no i think there's
a good over overlap of our listeners that also
are interested in king of the hill anyway and
frady holes for sure that's okay the ghost of
christmas house was like of all this was just
the hardest thing to look at because it was so
blown out to every other like thing on screen
sure yeah the vibrancy of color for that oh sure
yeah no one wants a blown out frady hole yeah
yeah i don't i don't really know what to say
about this film it's because it is just a christmas
carol they didn't do anything with it so like
cookie cutter like josie kept mentioning like
hey did they just rip this off from the muppets
christmas carol because like even the character
design was the same some actions and stuff were
done the same it's always kind of the same i
mean yeah i was thinking of the scrooge mcduck
christmas carol where like pete's the best one
is with michael cain right like the uh is that
like is that his name the best one is the racist
one Wait, what's the racist one? Oh, that is
the one. That is Muppets. You're thinking of
White Christmas. Oh, yeah. I was thinking of
Muppets because the only thing that's not a Muppet
is Michael Caine. Yeah, and that one is good.
Yeah, that is the best one because the Muppets
fucking rock. Right. But so this one did have
something that I thought was like, where is this
story from? Because I had not seen it because
usually the Christmas carol ends after he's like.
yay everyone merry christmas merry christmas
and then it's done but like you said there was
like this song that that happens with with bell
and and a whole story about a hospital and i
don't remember oh yeah any of that there was
a lot more like tiny tim oh yeah like attention
this is the one version of this story where like
it has a happy anywhere tiny in there because
at the end they're like and tiny tim was fine
i'm like no that's not how that story goes yeah
tiny team has black lung like that's it kids
love working in factories shut up that's true
they've got small hands they have tasks to do
tiny tim is tiny tim is canonically 33 at this
point in his life yeah i did enjoy when tiny
tim got bucket of water thrown on him while he
was caroling that was nice scrooge is a big fuck
i was like fuck that kid though yeah fair enough
carol's suck also wouldn't it be funny if that
wasn't a bucket of water but it was just like
a waste bucket yeah he throws out his uh chamber
pot on him yep there you go just frozen turds
and little timmy's hair suck it dickhead okay
so i mean we watched this movie because nicholas
cage does the voice of joseph marley it kept
throwing me off though it kept throwing me off
though that the scrooge character design kind
of looks like a caricature of nick cage oh yeah
for sure yeah yes has that very oval face yeah
certainly had he never gotten the hair plugs
a future version yeah so the bell story i mean
okay That is, like, a piece of it. Because other
iterations do it and play it up differently.
This one, like, hit it harder. But the thing
that has never made any sense to me... There's
just more of it, I felt. He's, like, always painted...
And in particular, this Zemeckis one, where he's,
like, a really old piece of shit. Like, he looks
like shit. He is a shit. Right, his skin tone
is, like... And he has this, like, beautiful
woman that also had fallen in love with him because
of a dance at fucking Fezziwigs. I'm like, none
of this makes any fucking sense. Like... This
one maybe played it a little bit better where
he was like young and almost charming for a period
of time. Yeah, they kind of gave him a better
youth story. I feel like he was actually kind
of decent. Has anyone ever actually read the
story? I never have. I don't like books. I've
only ever seen adaptations of it. I've done a
stage show of it, and I've seen the Muppet Christmas
Carol and maybe one other Christmas Carol. And
who were you? A stagehand. Oh. As God intended.
I'm not going to go read it, but I am curious
if this is maybe more of an accurate depiction
than we're used to seeing by a Muppet. Yeah.
Or Zemeckis. Unless with the live action. charles
dickens character set at the end he's like i
know this is a different version it's true than
i've written before that's my weird british that's
such a good british accent no i was so confused
when that when it started with the live action
thing because that same actor in the same makeup
plays charles dickens in season one of the new
doctor who that's right so i like i turn this
on and like the opening is kind of the same and
i'm like Am I watching Doctor Who? Because if
I am, that's what I'm doing for this week's podcast.
Yeah, you would have had a better time, I'm sure.
It would be weird if this movie was just a special
like Christmas episode of Doctor Who. There was
like an animated doctor in it. And see, this
is already better. Yeah. And I don't even care
for Doctor Who, but it would be better. I also
like when Charles Dickens gets out of the cart
and he's greeted by. the theater manager is like
do you have snow in england did you not read
the book yeah right it's cold as shit there no
how cool was joe i was just gonna say let's talk
about joe yeah i love anybody who has like cut
off glove hands oh yeah that's like a certain
vibe and he was just like a slab of meat he was
a big old thick one he was good just shaking
people down for all their hard -earned money
putting people in debtors prison oh well i mean
the cops did that fuck the cops yeah that was
such like a cheery scene too it's like everyone
having a horrible time getting thrown in debtors
prison yeah like scrooge is just sort of like
i'm gonna put a log on the fire well and there
okay so there's the thing like in every animated
version of this i've ever seen any version of
the story i've ever scene it's just like they
always just depict scrooge like he's a skinflint
he's just cheap he's just a cheap guy who is
what was the term skinflint isn't that a good
one that is a good one i've never heard skinflint
before and flute what skinflute is a different
thing is it like a flint and steel where with
like enough rubbing it starts a fire the old
skinflint but he's like he's always just basically
as a really hard steel though who's just mean
like right people hate him just because he's
mean whereas in this he's like no he is buying
debts from the bank and throw and having people
thrown in debtor's prison so all of their earthly
belongings could be sold and he could get what
little money he can from it yeah he's like sally
may genuinely a horrid like character in this
one and i'm like okay this makes more sense why
everyone hates him Cause I'm shitty and people
tend to like me. I think this is the big, like
beef that I have with the entire Christmas Carol
story in general is that like, it's about this
guy who's a piece of shit, right? He sucks. He's
a miser. He's a skin Flint, whatever. He plays
the skin flute all the time. Yeah. It's like,
and he just sucks and he sucks so bad. And then
magically someone's like, Hey bitch, you're going
to die soon. Or maybe not even soon. You're going
to die. And he's like, No! Oh, yeah. The concept
of mortality never crossed his mind. And that's
it. And then he's like, fuck, I'm giving all
my money to the poor. Like, you, street urchin,
poor, here, have money, whatever. I don't give
a fuck. Buy a turkey. I don't care if you steal
from me. It's like, there's no chance that a
rich person is ever going to do that. ever ever
ever i'm gonna i will say this is i will give
credit to this movie in one respect also at the
end when he wakes up from uh the night and he's
having his like what day is it moment he's still
kind of shitty and then he's like no be better
and he like apologizes to the kid but then he
goes back into his apartment and starts getting
ready and then he starts like having his normal
horrible thoughts and he has to remind himself
like no we're going to be better and i actually
kind of appreciated that he's not instantly better
he just knows he has to try harder that's true
i noticed that as well i suppose i appreciated
that aspect of this uh this rendition yeah that
was definitely different from other iterations
but yeah Like, could you imagine there's that
CEO who's like taking his son's blood or whatever
to try and get younger? Oh, for the fucking.
I don't remember what company he works for, but
it doesn't matter. You know who I'm talking about?
Brian something. Brian Johnson or something like
that. He's like getting his son's blood infusions
and they have like come masturbation competitions
together. Yeah. That dude is never. It doesn't
matter how many fucking ghosts come to him and
are like, hey, bitch, you're going to die. He's
going to be like, whatever, I'm living forever.
Yeah, he's taking all my money. He knows that
he's like, well, yeah, that's why I'm a man.
That's why I'm doing as much of this shit as
I carry me with my money. Yeah, that's why I'm
living it. In fact, stuff my body with money.
stuff my body with money if anybody wants my
money they'll have to get it from me national
treasure three that guy spends like five hours
a day in like an isolation chamber i just i can't
wait till the day he's told he's dying and he
has to just think back on the thousands of hours
he spent not doing anything i'm not gonna lie
if you told me that i could spend five hours
a day not being bothered by people i would be
like fuck yeah give me five hours of nothing
think how rejuvenating that would actually be
to have five hours of just dead ass peace yeah
i wouldn't have to worry about like work texts
or emails nothing nothing i could just hang out
like there's not even like a magnet that's a
like doing anything to your systems unless i
wanted it to maybe you do yeah it enhances the
isolation it just pulls on my prince albert just
right jesus i gotta balance it i mean if i'm
rich i'm definitely getting a dong piercing so
all right i mean i think the poors can get a
dong piercing too i don't know that they're that
expensive no well no the money if you need if
you really need that no but i need to have the
money to back it up in my 40s like like i need
to be able to be like yeah i've got a fucking
three ounces of steel hanging off my dick but
how many people do you are you planning on showing
this to where you need to i have a dick piercing
i'm gonna show everybody to all the people but
it's gonna be like the marley stuff where it's
just like chains and hanging boxes oh man yeah
yeah that's how you elongate i'll get I'll get
a like a Catholic, what are those things called?
A censor. I'll just be burning incense and dangling
it off my dick all day. I'll be conducting rites.
I'll be like, I'll have the little like broom
splashing water on people just being like, but
it's not water. It's never water. I've seen I've
seen this in 40K. Oh, man. Was anyone else like
underwhelmed by the amount of chains Marley had?
He just had like the one chain around his waist.
Yeah. And then he was like, can you sit down
or something like that? And he was like, yes,
I can. And he like throws the box over the chair.
I was like. What is this sassy nonsense that's
happening between them? Weirdly enough, that
is in most of the representations of this. Because
I watched three different versions of this movie.
In preparation for this? In preparation for this,
because I could only watch a little bit of this
before. I was like, this is so bad. I'm going
to watch the whole thing, and I'm going to do
something else with my time. A masochist. Well,
I needed something to talk about. Fuck. I just
planned on getting drunk. I mean, it's working
great. This is great content. I'm talking more
the more I drink, and that's fine. All right,
so we know Nick's midlife crisis is dong piercing.
What's someone else got planned? With an incense
attachment. I mean, I had two children, so I
think that's basically it. Yeah, do you feel
your mortality is more at ease? Listen, man,
they're going to have young blood that I can
infuse at some point and become youthful forever.
That's good. I don't know what my midlife crisis
is. Purchasing overalls? I'm not sure. Whoa.
Sick. Okay. Nice. Does it have like the bib pocket?
Yeah. Okay. Well, fuck yeah. What do you keep
in there? I mean, probably some weed. Yeah. A
weed pen. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's
where that goes. Sunglasses maybe. It's like
no tools. Nothing you actually need in there.
Well, sunglasses. Well, I'm sorry. Things you
need. Excuse me. And my weed pen. All right.
I recently got some overall shorts. their shorts
with overall yeah okay i got those two maybe
i had tip to marissa yeah that's probably we
did it all for her birthday it was like seven
of us got them i love it yeah i feel cute in
them so good what there you go you know what
i'm picturing it that's perfect i love it but
this movie um okay wait okay well you got to
bring us down no i wasn't gonna i wasn't gonna
bring it down because i was i was gonna bring
up another movie that it The reason why I actually
did kind of like the mice, even though the squeaks,
it was like, there was a lot of squeaks. Like
we didn't need, especially when they're not even
telling us what the mice are saying to each other.
It's just like, it's just like, yeah, a pantomime
of what they're trying to say. But it reminded
me a little bit of the secret of NIMH. the way
that they were they were drawn similarly looked
a little bit so that maybe i think gave me a
little bit of a nostalgic feel but also secret
and m better better animation better animation
also from the 80s this movie like the mice were
the only things that were like consistently well
animated like as opposed to all the people who
peter you said they looked like you know almost
rotoscoped yeah it's like bad rotoscoping yeah
yeah the animation of the people i loved when
perspective didn't match up with the action like
you're riding a horse and you're going like up
and to the left and it just looks like you're
the same animation being shrunk but like just
kind of dragged across and it's like that's not
how horses move their mouse and was just like
putting this here it was like select all push
screen record the animation was bad and i love
like there's it's bad the whole way through but
there are those little moments where like you
can see that they just They either ran out of
money or they stopped carrying the Fezziwick
dance scene because like it lasts all of like
four seconds. Like we need to loop this thing
for a solid minute. So you cut away and then
you cut back to the same like three jigs maneuvers
and then you cut away and then you play it backwards.
Ooh, reverse jig. I was trying to like watch
this and then I started. At the same time, finding
clips on YouTube of the other Christmas Carol.
The Zemeckis one? I only watched a couple of
clips because that's another one that like you
can't find anywhere. And I just didn't want to
pay. I didn't want to pay for it because I wasn't
going to watch another full. Which is a half
hour longer at least. This movie was already
too long. The Fezziwig scene is like fucking
15 minutes in that. I found a clip and I had
no idea what was going on. It was probably with
the, I think it was with the Ghost of Christmas
Present. And I can't even, he was in this like
empty room. Man, I don't even know. I don't know
what was happening. It was really weird and creepy.
And that kind of level, it's like for those listeners
who don't know, this is one that's really super
3D. It was meant to be an IMAX 3D movie. Right.
That kind of animation where it's almost real
really fucking creeps me out. And I can't do
it. It's horrible. I just can't do it. It's like
you're not a Polar Express guy. It doesn't it
doesn't matter. Like you're not going to hurt
my feelings because I don't like any Christmas
story. I understand people who appreciate the
story. But yeah, that kind of animation, it really
hurts my brain. It's repulsive. like zemeckis
went so hard in on this and i was telling peter
this that in like 2005 in an interview he was
talking about like his dream for this animation
style he's like i want to remake yellow submarine
with tom hanks but as all of the needles gross
it's the only time i've ever thought about like
honestly thought about murder So my quote, my
quote to Sean was the Zemeckis movie and tech.
It looks like hot, shiny diarrhea was extruded
directly into my eyes. It is. It's like it's
repulsive. It offends my eyes to look at that.
It's like I think about certain kids TV shows
that just like offend me because I have children.
Caillou doesn't bother me that much, but like
I don't want to watch that show. Sure. But the
art design of that isn't like repulsive. Oh,
sure. OK. The design of Peppa Pig looks terrible.
It's just badly drawn, even though the show is
not bad. It's cheap. Cocomelon is one of those
things that is like a horribly cheap animation
thing that just looks like shit. And this is
exactly that. It's like, why would you choose
to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on this
technology to like basically rotoscope Jim Carrey
as all the ghosts and Ebenezer just looking like.
hot diarrhea straight to the eyes like it just
looks like shit yeah it takes all the joy out
of animation and like he genuinely thought this
was like the future of filmmaking oh totally
okay and do you know why it was so bad do you
know why he he did this you know why he like
went down that rabbit hole money he made um skinflint
and tom hanks castaway he made castaway and he
between the island scenes where tom hanks is
really skinny and beforehand when he was like
a normal weight they had to like stop shooting
for eight months so tom hanks could lose all
the weight and gain hair so he filmed another
movie in that eight month period and he was just
like this sucks that i can't do what i want when
i want we're just gonna animate everything oh
that's why he did that oh i was gonna say so
he did this as a temper tantrum kind of That
sounds awful. Yes. It feels like it. It feels
like a child having a temper tantrum. He's like,
I want to do it my way. Yeah. He got to animate
a naked Angelina Jolie, though, so also kind
of just like a child. Wait, hold on. Back up.
Anyone could animate a naked anyone. Oh, okay.
She plays Grendel's mom. Oh, nice. Yeah. Grendel's
mom has got it going on. jesus fuck you sean
that shouldn't have made me laugh yeah that shouldn't
have made me laugh i'm not even drinking y 'all
that was just i don't know that was the most
unexpected shit okay so so what is if not the
best christmas carol movie like what is the best
christmas movie so like best christmas carol
movie jingle all the way I will hear no notes.
Is that a Christmas Carol movie or is that just
a Christmas movie? Oh, you said Christmas Carol
or Christmas movie. Jingle All The Way is the
best Christmas movie. Absolutely not. I'm still
a Gremlins guy. Die Hard's a pretty high up there
one. I love a rom -com personally, so I could
watch The Holiday probably like 30 ,000 times.
It's my guilty pleasure, but also... I don't
really feel all that guilty about it. You can
hear Jude Law say, hi, I'm daddy. And yes, and
I, exactly. I've never heard of this movie. Also
though, a movie with Kate Winslet, just tying
it back. It's true, tie it all in. Tying it back.
She doesn't sing either. She does not well. She
does say a screwedly do in that movie. That's
true. There is. There is. So it's got Scroodley
Doo and I Am Daddy. Okay. Can I just get like
an audio clip of Scroodley Doo added in somewhere?
Yeah, please. Because I want to hear that in
like a week. Yep. I won't look it up myself.
That'll be part of our outro. We'll get Shade
to just say Scroodley Doo. Okay, that movie is
actually pretty good. That's like... Also, it's
just cute. It's prime Jack Black for me where
he's not like way over the top, like, you know,
but he's still Jack Black. He's still Jack Black.
He's still giving himself. But it's it fits this
particular role, in my opinion. And it's I just
like feeling good sometimes and not thinking
about too much. plot or whatever it's a christmas
film the plot's pretty thin regardless it's basically
a wife swap christmas movie yeah that's it it's
so and it's so crazy wife swapping wasn't it
it's two friends who like it's a house swap you're
bringing me right back oh never mind that's right
they aren't partnered no that's why there's romance
and a rom -comery of it all right i kind of like
that no i'll just stick to porn hub that's fine
you do that Yeah, all kinds of good Christmas
stuff there, I'm sure. Yeah, they've got all
the holidays on Pornhub. Pornhub doesn't discriminate.
That's my favorite thing about them. Oh, what's
their ID category like? Their what? ID. I'll
check it out. Yeah. I'll give you a report. I
didn't care for the mice. I'm just going to say
it. Oh, now we can fight. Good. Yeah, that part,
like I felt. It was so forced and it's like,
quit fucking cutting to mice. Oh, I just also
wanted the movie to end. Yeah. And the fact that
it was always like. Here's a thing that now we're
going to just interject into the scene. And why
was Ebenezer always nice to the mice? What was
up with that? Like he was giving them food. He
was like talking to them nicely. Like if Cratchit
had wanted a piece of cheese, he would be like,
get fucked Cratchit. Yeah. But meanwhile, he's
like, here's a fucking bowl of porridge. Fucking
chill. Share it with your rat friend. Yeah. Invite
more rats into my super nice house. I don't know
about anyone else, but sometimes I'm like animals
greater than people. That's all I'm saying. Yeah,
that's reasonable. If there is a movie, I could
watch a movie where a thousand people die, murdered,
it's violent. I'm just like, okay. You know,
and then I, if there's an animal that dies, I
will fast forward sometimes. I will walk out
of the room because I will cry. And that's just
not, so. In some regard, I didn't hate it, but
I was also like, why? Because that's not a part
of it. It's a why thing for me. It's like, why?
Why do we do this? Why is it doing it? I agree.
The mice, it was a gimmick, but I didn't like
it for the storyline that they added or didn't
add. I just like the animation. That's fine.
I was 20 minutes into this film and I'm texting
Peter. I'm like, I can't tell if there's one
or two mice in this film. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when
it became two mice, it kind of clarified and
like made it easier. But I also at the same time,
not easier. I liked it when one mouse got excluded
from the joy ride. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you couldn't
make it through the window. It was like, fuck
you, mouse. He has sin in his heart. Yeah. Rat
bastard. The whole mice like subplot did not
care for it, didn't add anything to it. I don't
think there's anything wrong with like showing
Scrooge has like a soft side for like. not people
like for him just being like oh here's this tiny
helpless animal that doesn't take anything so
like i'll give it cheese like showing he's not
a complete inhuman monster it's taking cheese
he's giving it cheese i i just think i think
scrooge providing charity to anybody is antithesis
to the character and i don't like it until like
the end well i don't like the end either i don't
like the movie but i don't like the beginning
it's just inconsistent i think it's just super
inconsistent and well yeah well they have that
shitty ass song i know yeah so this movie is
not good yeah um but let's let's get back to
the the core of what we're doing here which is
about nicholas cage let's talk about his his
three little vignettes that he gets because he
has well i guess four if you count him being
the door knocker or whatever but he wasn't the
door knocker oh he's is he not no that's that's
um wait yes never mind sorry marley yeah yeah
yeah okay sorry sorry so you have him being the
door knocker and then you have him door knocker
sounds like a slur and then you got up there
with skin flint actually talking to scrooge for
a period and then he has like two other little
bits that don't mean anything you know it's just
like reminder stuff about the chains and suffering
there was one background character that laughed
and it sounded a lot like nicholas cage in the
beginning i think it was in my head canon it
was they probably just caught him on on mike
laughing and they're like we're gonna put it
in put that in there just put hey we need some
laughter right here so i mean i guess i guess
we're at the point of like cage grid You know,
like bad movie, bad cage. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This
is rough. This is bottom left. It's bad movie,
bottom, bad cage. Yeah. He was like high on something
when he signed this contract. He was like, or
when he told his agent. Yeah. He was like, ah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds good. Can I record
my lines on an on a plane? Yeah. I'm pretty confident
that he had watched the snowman and was like
Murakami, man, like artist. yeah that makes sense
i want to be i want to be in a murakami film
and this was this was the one i mean honestly
if i didn't know nick cage was in this i would
not have recognized his voice because not a chance
he's like again this is this is after like kind
of his peak time this is kind of on the down
slope and the performance really gives me like
late 80s cage like in terms of the voice the
projection like all of it just like this seems
like so much earlier in his career than it is
yeah it's a really flat line read the speech
was it was just weird it was just weird i don't
remember it ever being that bizarre it was but
it was also just bizarre i was like what is he
even saying i don't this was by far probably
the boringest marley that has ever been portrayed
there's no highs or lows it's just mid who plays
marley in the muppets it's two it's the is it
the old guys it's all guys yes it's the i can't
remember it's maybe marley and marley or something
like that we're marley and marley that's what
it is there you can use that one too i'll give
you free incredible free reign over that sound
soundbite too if you need it That's actually
part of the disclaimer. Thank you for releasing
all your rights. Enjoy the Shay AI bod. Thanks
for the consent, finally. We've been stealing
it for the last three, but this fourth one really
got locked in. I've been told consent matters,
so we need that from you. So, yeah, shit. I mean,
I don't know. Is there anything else to say about
this movie or the performances or Christmas in
October? Don't watch it, y 'all. Don't watch
it. Please don't. I mean, it's a ghost story,
but it's the boringest of ghost stories. It's
just prudes. It's like if you got haunted by
that fucking ant you didn't want to see at Thanksgiving.
Right. And if you need to watch a Christmas Carol,
you know which one to go to. That's all I'm saying.
You know which one? The Muppets. Always. Or possibly
Scrooged. Yeah, that one's pretty funny. I haven't
seen that in a hot minute. Yeah, it has its moments.
I guess Bill Murray had a really hard time with
the director of that one. But Carol Kane as the
ghost of Christmas present, I think is pretty
fucking funny. She's good. Her voice is so bad
and great. In everything. In everything. Just
always. Was she dead? Did she die yet? I hope
not. No. I mean, she's got to be pretty old now.
I don't think she died. She is not dead. I was
like, she did Kimmy Schmidt recently. She did
do Kimmy Schmidt. Yeah, I'm like, there's no
way she's not dead. She's 73 years old, in case
you're wondering. Alive and well. That's younger
than I thought. Kimmy Schmidt seems older. It
was a while ago. A while ago. Well, yeah, but...
That was pretty early Netflix, like, original
series. Yeah, I know it was a while ago. But
really, it wasn't. People die all the time. Literally
every day. But I'm glad that Carol Kane is still
alive in 73. Yeah. Well, Carol Kane. All right.
On that note. The best Carol that we've spoken
of today. The only Carol that matters. The only
one that matters. Yeah, well, fuck. I mean, I
think that's kind of it, right? Yeah, fuck this
movie. That sucks, and I'm actively angry that
I had to watch A Christmas Carol, colon, the
movie. What a stupid -ass title, too. Who puts
colons in the middle of their titles? Especially
to declare it's a movie, that you are going to
the movies to go watch a movie. Right. Yeah.
And that already is in movie form. Multiple times.
Multiple times. It's not like it's a new concept
for the story. the first time the movie just
put on by a bunch of fucking colonizers yeah
well I'm gonna go I need to go cleanse my my
eye palette and watch the muppet one now my eye
and ear palette really and all your watch that
one yeah i'll cleanse all my holes all holes
are important holes peter oh man all holes matter
good point so unfortunately next up we've got
the movie sunny which is starring james franco
boo um but Nick Cage does play a character named
Acid Yellow, who wears a fake nose. Once again,
there's a very consistent trend in the movies
in his back catalog that didn't make the 64.
He has a lot of fake noses. That's wild. And
it's got Harry Dean Stanton, too. Oh, OK. All
right. Is it a Christmas film? No, I think it's
about a male prostitute. Fuck yeah. Is Harry
Dean Stan playing another polygamist? Probably.
I don't know. Let's assume yes until proven otherwise.
Cool. Well, thanks for having me, y 'all. Yeah,
thanks for coming back for number four, Shane.
Next animated film. You're first on our docket.
Oh, yeah. Do you want to come back for Ant Bully?
Let me know. Yeah, sure. Why not? whatever you
need as long as it gets me my jacket or would
you prefer uh astro boy i'm genuinely i'm actually
kind of excited for astro boy my friend tiffany
talks it up a lot it's her she says it's her
favorite nick cage movie okay interesting as
somebody with kind of a natural astro boy like
hair swoop uh it appeals to me is that another
oddly like 3d animated style i mean it's a 3d
animation one but i don't think it's like trying
to be well crazy for anything i don't know i'm
weird about those movies but well i'll uh check
it out i'll let you know but yes good you're
our animation guru now because we have to have
somebody to balance out nick for just hating
every animation ever i don't hate every animation
ever it just happens to be that like spider verse
shit aside most of it is nicholas cage has not
put out a good animated film crudes and crudes
too it's amazing it's not amazing it's just mid
but it's good punch monkeys are good it's a mid
that you can enjoy yeah you that i can enjoy
yes more than this movie yeah well thank you
to everyone listening and making it through this
ride thank you to our sparkle buddies josh josie
matt adam bill stewart and willow and to our
cage dancers john freeman nathan and cameron
and to bill panks for our intro music um if you
guys want to come to watch mandy in a couple
of weeks uh it will be playing at the beacon
in seattle on the 23rd of october 7 30. Which
will be like a week after this comes out, so.
Yeah, so in one week. The song. Scroodly do me.
Scroodly do. Doodly do. Oh my god, we both said
scroodly. Yes. I'm holding Betty's hand.