Oh, God. Well, great. Grape. Yeah, I'm feeling
grape. I'm about to feel real grape. Yeah. This
is not the worst flavor that we've had either,
though. I've been roped into drinking some of
those like chocolate wines. Chocolate wine? Yeah,
it's like pre -chocolated wine because everybody
likes chocolate with wine. Oh, yeah, that stuff
sucks. It's terrible. Why would you? Haven't
they done enough? Yeah, exactly. Hey, they're
givers, man. hey joey it's real nice to see you
man it's been a long time good to see you too
but it's been a while when i shared your contact
you're still in my phone as joey the smoke oh
and then i had to tell him about brandon being
the no and me being the what yeah but no other
context or explanation it was just that those
names exist yeah i mean you know i don't remember
where that came from either i think we were just
at the bar uh making Sarah's life rough. The
only thing I can think of would be, you know,
me down in two packs of cigarettes in the night,
hanging out at the bar, annoying Sarah, which
was good times. Oh God. Why are we here again?
Well, we're here to talk about the filmography
of Nicholas cage. I thought it was because I
keep finding buzz balls for cheap. And that too.
Yeah. And with the Nick Cage highs come the Nick
Cage lows. And this might be one of the bigger
lows. Oh, really? Not even Peter Lowe. When I
watched this movie, I immediately was like, well,
that sucked. And then I watched it again. I was
like, you know what? It doesn't suck so bad.
okay all right i want to we'll get into that
yeah before we get into my opinions on that opinion
uh welcome back to cage magical and a roundabout
way of meeting nicholas cage i'm sean here with
my co -host nick and our producer peter hello
and our guest this week joey the smoke apparently
nicknames persist say your christian name yeah
yeah and this week we are discussing 1993's Christopher
Coppola directed Deadfall, not to be mistaken
with a different Deadfall from 2012. Yeah. The
first thing I want to talk about about this movie
is when you Google this film and I don't know
if it's a re -release cover or the poster that
comes up half the time is for this movie, but
with a very different Nicolas Cage profile photo.
Yeah. Yeah. It looks like it's like. fucking
knowing or something it doesn't look like the
right movie at all of everyone of the top three
build people nicholas cage is the only one who
is an a -lister at any point you know to make
your your question work that actually requires
the question of you think this movie got a re
-release oh that's a fair point Or poster. I
don't know where it came from, but there is a
separate cover where there shows a very different
Nicolas Cage, not the batanned, befaked nose,
bewigged version we see in this film. Oh, this
one that looks like it's a sequel to Alien? Yeah,
that's the one. Yeah, that looks like a serious
movie that was made with... some amount of money
that's fucked up also the coppolas do have a
lot of money they could re -release their own
shit megalopolis exists yeah that's that's the
rich coppola yeah not christopher the quote -unquote
successful coppola or the radio christian mark
yeah do you think people signed up for this movie
only having seen the name coppola only to realize
they'd made out horrible mistake well so some
of the history of this movie is actually really
weird because it was going to be val kilmer in
the michael bean role yeah and he dropped out
because he didn't like the producer quote unquote
but you know read between the lines like he didn't
like anything about this movie yeah the producer
i talked about this movie a little bit with me
and nick's friend paul this last weekend So I
did not know that Nick Cage is a nephew of Francis
Ford Coppola. And the Coppola who is involved
in this movie as a writer and director and producer
is like probably his cousin. It's his brother.
Is it a brother? Yeah. Shit. Okay. That's why
he's in it. That explains everything, right?
So if Al Kilmer dropped out, dude, I need you
to do this. Uh -huh. So Val Kilmer dropped out,
but there was a lot riding on Val Kilmer being
involved, including a shit ton of money. And
when he dropped out, the budget got slashed by
like five million dollars. Oh, my God. That's
almost an entire Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage,
apparently. So I did some Googling for that,
too. Like the I guess the budget this ended up
being made with was like three million dollars.
Awesome. Which which. If you adjust it for inflation
from 1993 to today, it's still like six point
two million dollars. It's like not enough to
make a good budget movie. No, but what they did
with those three million dollars is actually
kind of perfect. A lot of boobs. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The world's longest sex scene. Weirdly tender.
Weirdly tender sex scene. Lots of positions.
Well, was it? I don't know. Because there's the
one in Watchmen. yeah and there was the one in
the matrix the second one that just was like
in the rave orgy oh man look at this i've got
so much homework to do this weekend watch a lot
of long sex scenes i'm gonna find the longest
sex scene i'd put perfume in that the ending
of perfumes got a city -wide orgy that's pretty
tasty sounds like a girl movie it's about uh
it's about a serial killer OK, who makes like
a girl movie? They fucking love serial killers.
It's fucking true. The budget on this is like
you definitely see it in like it looks amateurish
for lots of different reasons. The script is
bad, but like most of it looks like low rent,
like gay porno or something like that. Yeah,
it looks like they were able to rent like this
is the cheapest strip club I've ever seen in
a movie in terms of set. It looks like they were
able to rent like a strip mall office building
and they just turned the lights out and they're
like, well, what does this room look like? Fucking
good. Shoot it here. Yep. And just went on with
it. No, I took somewhere in here that like, well,
every interior looks like it was done by like
a community theater scene shop. Yeah. Yeah. They've
got a couple spotlights that they rented and
they need to bring them back by this afternoon.
So let's just bang through it. they got like
a section of chain link fence that they had from
like west side story or something and they just
roll it around here so so joey you get the horrible
duty of trying to explain this movie in a summary
um so how would you describe deadfall i i zoned
out for like a while of it so i'm gonna turn
into a weird bond villain well so that part was
fine like I have a firmly held opinion now that
like the middle third of this movie, there just
wasn't a script for. They just like told Nicolas
Cage to do shit for a while. And they made 20
minutes of movie out of that. Yeah. They're like,
in the end, you end up in a fry later. Get us
from A to B. Just like yell for a while, knock
shit over, be grumpy. And then boom, you're getting
put in the fries. Fucking gruesome death. It
was. That was actually kind of good. It was pretty
gnarly looking. My first note for Deadpool is
hell yeah, smoking in movies. Yeah. And I'm bad
with like actor names. So the main dude who's
not Nicolas Cage, the younger fella. Michael
Biehn. Okay, good. He plays Joe. So notes, bad
writing. Exclamation point, exclamation point.
Warehouse that looks like an amusement park trying
to look like a warehouse. Why is there a car
inside of a warehouse? Why would you flash your
lights at somebody who's walking inside of a
warehouse? And so then I realized, OK, so that
was a sting. And Michael Bean's dad got Alec
Baldwin. Possibly by Michael Biehn. Yeah. And
there was the fakest looking cops I've ever seen.
And then the fakest tombstone. Yeah, that was
dumb. That just looked like straight up foam
core. Well, it did work out in their favor that
they looked like fake cops because they were
fake cops. Yeah, that did make sense eventually.
Other note, love to go on a bender in white boxers
and T -shirt on when Michael B. right before
the funeral is holding an already empty bottle
next to a crappy bed. You know, that's a really
bold move. And you've got a lot of confidence
and faith in yourself to wear white boxers on
a bender, right? Like, yeah, those are not staying
white now. Not front, not back. Now you're eating
a hot dog at some points getting ketchup, you
know, like whatever. Ketchup's the worry. I also
want to point out the other fakest thing and
that opening scene that makes sense that comes
around later is James Coburn. The dad's death
is one of the most like over the top fake like.
Oh, it was very fake. ever i love that he kept
being like the cake the cake he's just talking
about fat ass yeah your mom had a fat ass and
he took that ass which actually this kind of
plays out right yeah that was uh some sort of
drug deal that turned was staged and so they're
just trying to get drugs and money and not have
to give up the money and blah blah blah um nitpick
with the writing and they said they were gonna
bury james coburn in a potter's field and that
was a very fancy graveyard with a bunch of fake
monuments in it not at all a potter's field yeah
fuck you guys i'll backtracking for a second
though the guy that was part of the sting the
like coke guy he was so fucking wild yeah he's
going crazy and he's just like fistfuls of coke
in his mouth he was kind of nuts so i gotta say
the thing that like To totally derail your synopsis
here. Please do. I'm halfway through it. One
of the things that I fucking loved about this
movie on my second watch is all of the stupid
side characters. There's Coke dude. There's fucking
Peter Fonda with his ponytail. Where was Peter
Fonda? Who? What? When? Why? He was the like
the guy that was part of the whole sting at the
beginning. Oh, OK. I was a dude who... I'm never
invested in the beginning. Was that Peter Fonda
who's giving Michael Biehn money in the cemetery?
Exactly. He's in the car, yeah, for the little
handoff. He's got that stupid fucking, like,
back knot. Petey? Yeah. Okay. See, if you said
Petey, I would have known. I'm sorry. I don't
know. That would require us to pay attention.
fucking edward scissorhands like with his crystal
ball he's got a crystal ball he's got a weird
scissor hand there's charlie sheen in that fucking
sick smoker's jacket and his weird billiards
obsession like there's so many like the baby
i liked the baby oh yeah the baby was fun he's
a fun guy he was also in amos and andrew oh was
he yeah he was one of the people that came in
like the big brigade of like um you know oh that
that's awesome yeah i love that the baby gets
his lollipops or his suckers pre -moistened for
him like i wish i just had a lady on hand to
pre -wet any whatever i can blow pop i get you
get that get that started up for me yeah it's
like getting pretzels at the lion back in the
day you gotta pre -moisten them they were so
dry it's true so i love the background characters
that's that's my thing i mean The way I viewed
the beginning of this movie was like, all right,
Sting went bad. Oh, this is awful. Terrible.
This voiceover is awful. God, I understand why
Michael Bean's not a starring man. This is awful.
Hey, it's Mickey Dolenz. My next note is this
narration is terrible. Underline, underline,
underline. It's so bad. It's like Michael Bean
hated doing this movie and he claims it's his
worst ever. And like it shows like. he's also
there's a reason he's not a leading man in a
major way it's like he seems so checked out who
was that ginger in the uh the one with uh the
hey ma look it's that fucking cat who was the
ginger in that movie you're talking about kiss
of death oh yeah kiss of death oh god who was
worse caruso right yeah david caruso or this
you think caruso was worse than bean No, Bean
is worse than Caruso. No, Bean is worse. Kiss
of Death is a better film. It's a better film,
but who's the better leading man? The leading
ginger, yeah. I'm going to stick with the Ma
is the fucking cat again. Fucking Michael Rapaport.
Yeah, that guy. Oh, God. Okay, so we've gotten,
what, about 20 minutes into this movie now? No.
Yeah, Daddy's dead. All right, so we got Mickey
Dolenz from the monkeys. Oh, yeah. Wait, who
actually recognizes that? I know Josie did. I
also did. Who actually fucking cares about the
monkeys? I mean, me and Josie and Sean, apparently.
Yeah. You guys need lives. I do this podcast.
If I had friends, I wouldn't be here, Nick. Yeah,
exactly. OK, so let's talk about that scene because
it's fucking weird, right? Like what is going
on there? So there's the guy who gets the pretzel
and passes off the number. It was just an overly
convoluted bookie like thing. So like they were
just. he'd put in his order and then like it
had the number and it had to go down until eventually
it gets to the old guy with the newspaper and
it was like just checked off to a race or whatever
right so it was just an old guy putting in a
bet That's why Michael Biehn was making fun of
it. Okay, because he had like a big envelope
taped to the inside of a newspaper or whatever.
Yeah. Like it was very poorly done. But I mean,
that's also just the gag is Nicolas Cage's character
put this whole system together. But you see what
I'm saying? That whole thing was like community
theater scene shop. Yeah. Like that whole courtyard.
It's so bad. But yeah, that leads us into the
introduction to Nick Cage. So like. So my first
note was, what is this facial hair? So good.
And at some point in here, I started like just
basically live tweeting while I was watching
it. Perfect. So my next note there was, good
fucking Lord, you ever want to see somebody have
zero consistency in their acting choices from
one scene to the next? Because have I got a movie
for you? also his fucking fake tan goes from
like bad to nearly blackface immediately that
was my next note like a high as balls sunny bono
also the fake nose and wig was a choice that
apparently he just showed up with yeah I mean
this is what happens when you do a movie for
your brother you're like yeah I'll do that I'll
do that for you Christopher don't worry I texted
Peter while I was watching this. I was like,
fucking Nicolas Cage's character is just Tony
Clifton, which fucking for real. Yeah, it's spot
on. And that is because Sean looks confused.
A character that Andy Kaufman created. And he
was like a fucking drunk, abusive nightclub singer.
Yep. That. Everybody knew was Andy Kaufman, but
he would cover by having his manager stand. I
recognize the name now. It's just such a good
bit. I fucking love Andy Kaufman. Next note about
Nicolas Cage was he's just slurring every word.
I wouldn't understand half of what he's saying
were it not for subtitles. He drinks his beers
really weird. Yeah. He grabs him like so far
up the neck and he's just like pounding it, but
like slowly pounding. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I did see
that. That's how I chug a beer. Just slow pound.
Exactly. Just basically sip this nonstop for
five and a half minutes. Hell yeah. Yeah. that's
how you get your money's worth at the strip club
too right you do a slow pound and then they're
like oh this guy's gonna this guy's gonna give
us extra money that's a big player right here
that's my new dancer name the slow pound slow
pound yeah uh hey remind me what nights you're
working so i can kill myself sean tell us about
your twerking incident oh oh yeah I don't like
the way this got introduced. I just want to read
you the text I sent to Peter. I attempted to
twerk. It ended poorly. I will not be taking
questions at this time. Which feels like the
correct time is now. Yeah. I just did an aggressive
cat cow and fucking fucked my back up. Did you
make it clap, though? No. That was a loud noise,
but it was not my ass. It's just your 40 year
old body giving up. Yes. yeah so cage's performance
is fucking amazing yeah like i can't call it
good but it is wild like his voice is crazy it
jumps all over the place the fact that he calls
like the way he says friend is like friend you
know what are you doing here today friend why
did he put on a fucking bow tie and cummerbund
i don't know but it was so but well because he
had to look like a baller or whatever for that
grift oh okay yeah that's right Yeah, that was
part of it. Who's the guy who plays Michael Biehn's
uncle? James Coburn. He plays the dad. James
Coburn. Wait, really? Oh, he plays the uncle?
Wow. Well, twin brothers get that cake. Oh, they
were because that's the picture they keep showing
with the girlfriend, wife, person in between
them and they look identical. I get it. So, okay.
It's tough because one wears a cowboy hat and
the other one wears fingerless gloves. Right.
For stealing, for crimes, because, you know,
you don't want to get you don't want gloves getting
in the way of your like rummaging fingers. Well,
no, you got to have them fingerless so you can
still leave prints as a criminal. That's right.
I want the cops to have a good lead, at least,
you know? Well, when you haven't figured out
your calling card yet, you gotta, like, give
them something. I feel like his calling card
was the Joker. Well, that seemed to be the focal
point of that dumb trick he kept trying to pull.
Which never actually, like, played out in any
way that made any sense. Yeah, it never made
any sense. High card, low card, game, whatever.
If you get a high part, I'll do something, something,
and it's just a Joker. All right. Yeah. Joker's
wild. I wouldn't mind any result of what happens
if a Joker shows up. Yeah. I guess he does nothing.
He just makes a face. Yeah, he's just there.
Okay. He's like, show me the Joker. Hallelujah.
Oh, yeah. Jazzy. okay so i'm trying to figure
out how we should even talk about this movie
because it is like pretty truly terrible once
nick cage dies um yeah sean bean's trying to
grift his grifter uncle yeah michael bean mr
bean i guess he mr bean this movie is so much
better with mr bean it would make more sense
i'd be into it everyone can sit in there yeah
and a turkey gets stuck on his head at some point
yeah the the thought of him trying to grift his
uncle seems a little like it's never very well
defined because like how is he trying to get
his uncle i think he's just down there trying
to figure out like what his uncle and his dad
had beef over so i don't i don't know that he
was trained grift his uncle necessarily it seemed
like he was just trying to steal nicholas cage's
job yeah it seemed like he was just trying to
replace daddy he was i mean he was trying to
get in there to get the cake didn't know his
uncle was a twin brother i'm i'm not defending
this movie i'm just explaining what's happening
but like he like breaks into his uncles off and
he's trying to like figure out what this thing
is um he's trying to grift but he might be being
grifted but in the end it was grifted because
his dad was alive and like it's a hat on a hat
kind of situation everything is a grift yeah
um at one point during this movie uh they have
to go through a middleman to talk to a diamond
dealer but it's charlie sheen in this really
boring pool scene i get a text message i'm responding
to it i i look up for my text like two minutes
later And I'm watching fucking Dr. No. The crab
claw dude is pretty, pretty fucking awesome.
It's so cool. I love it. I made note. There are
two characters I like in this movie. One of them
is the diamond claw man. And the other one is
Gigi Rice as Michael Bean's uncle's wife. Oh,
she was great. Checking the dress. She was hilarious.
Yeah, that was a great scene. I would watch the
whole movie of her. That was great. I love when
the wife just or whatever her name is. Gigi.
Gigi hands Joe a piece of cake. It's at a Lou's
birthday party. Which is just the three of them.
Yeah. Hands him like the ugliest slice of fucking
cake and just says, I'm sorry about your father,
Joe. It's like, wow, okay, we're having a nice
birthday party. Sorry, your dad died. Yeah. Also,
it's a child's birthday cake because it's got
toy horses on it. I think it's her birthday cake.
It's her ideal birthday cake. Yeah, she just
likes horses. It's fine. Yeah, it's just weird.
This will be so bad. I don't know. I'm trying
to think of these. There's so many different
random things to jump around to. Charlie Sheen.
In the most sedate, boring role I've ever seen
him in. He's definitely just like a billiard
shark who only served the purpose of connecting
A and C. He knew how to get to the diamond guy.
Yep. But I loved his just like kind of energy
in the like, I'm going to fucking run this table
on you. Fucking sausage fucks it up. With the
C's. I love that his name was Sausage, too. You
know you're getting hustled at a pool hall when
the guy not only has his own queue, but has his
own fucking table. Yeah. Yeah, he's got that
special table with the light, the temperature
is just right. What are you saying? It's a Corsair.
That's right. Which I'm assuming is a sick -ass
billiards table. Probably a really nice billiards
table. Yeah. Or at least probably was in 1993.
that final uh play or whatever final point he
made was very impressive the way it you know
like hit spun backwards and yeah i mean internet
gripers complain that like i guess the way billiards
work is you have to bounce off three rails three
rails and then hit the other two balls sequentially
or something like that and two of his shots didn't
count technically and one of them was that final
shot ball yeah right So whatever. I mean, I'm
making a jerk off motion now because I don't
care. Whatever. Billiards is a neat sport to
watch because it's, you know. Yeah, it's neat.
Yeah, it's polygons. It's rhombuses. It's geometry.
I like a rhombus. But it's it's terrible to play.
So one of the characters that I want to talk
about because I was just like, the fuck is going
on with this is the guy with the beard. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Was that Petey? I know it wasn't. It
was somebody from his dad's crew. I know because
Peter Fonda still ends up at the end. He's just
like gets the handout from the dad. I think it
was somebody from dad's crew who was out there
to make sure Joe's. gets integrated gets integrated
into it sees nicholas cage's character being
kind of a roadblock is like well i'm gonna have
to take him out so that joe gets in and that
backfires but watching him fucking neck down
good and plenties was repulsive to me yeah yeah
it was really bad what are you fucking like 60
years old But I did like after he gets his throat
slit by Nick Cage, there's just like a bunch
of good and plenties that sprinkle down. That's
art, man. Yeah, it was the fakest looking beard,
though. Well, but here's the thing. I'm like,
that's a fake beard. But because this movie is
so low budget and so bad, I was just like, it's
supposed to be real. Is it supposed to be a fake
beard? Yeah, when you see him on the bus, you
look at it and it's like, does he belong? is
this an outsider is it right no fake beard on
a real person kind of yeah like it's just entirely
possible that anything that looks horrible is
a fake out or is just that bad like all the fake
cops at the beginning you i didn't know if they
were supposed to be real cops or not no they
did get into that really dumb cop stance pretty
well so i think some of them might have been
real cops i don't know one of the things i really
liked about this movie is that there are several
sound bites from our intro that were from this
oh yeah that nice long fuck the nice long fuck
there was that crazy laugh oh okay yeah uh and
one that i almost put in there was the high fucking
yeah yeah i love high fucking yeah that was good
you just gave all my favorite quotes damn it
oh you didn't you didn't pick mommy That was
my actual next one. Yeah. I did like the. Fuck
is great because just in the background, slightly
off to the side, it's just a guy in a black T
-shirt that just says fuck on it. I didn't even
notice that. OK, so Nick Cage meets his end pretty
shortly after that, right? He goes and he tries
to fucking get one over on. He thinks lose fucking
his his girl. Yeah. His girl, who I think we
did not address this, is Princess Joanna from
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. So if you
ever wanted to see Princess Joanna's knockers,
this is the movie. We really should have led
the podcast with this. Yeah, sorry. I'll cut
that to the front. Okay, great. But yeah, that's
the longest sex scene. Yeah. And she's obviously
grifting Mr. Bean, Michael Bean, Mr. Michael
Bean. Mr. Michael Bean. Yeah, I mean, she's grifting
at least him and maybe Eddie, Nick Cage's character,
but I don't know. Well, she's working for his
dad in the end. Yeah. right because she's the
one who's at the fucking cemetery at the beginning
to like make him think of his mom which also
like that's a weird it's a very weird thing to
keep going yeah which he also never references
that part of it he just sees a woman in a red
in a black dress he's like is there a woman there
and then you see the photo of his dad and brother
later and even then he doesn't say that's his
mom initially right yeah but i mean she was wearing
the same outfit i think in that uh i don't know
i i understood that like the photo was a photo
of his mom i think that initial cemetery scene
just kind of sets it up so that at the end he
can have that secondary instance of seeing her
and then it's just a follow that so like he's
had this experience in the past now he's having
it again you have to follow that and that's how
you get to where daddy is with all of daddy's
crew daddy's boys daddy's boys this is confusing
because there is a character named the baby so
yeah yeah daddy's boy well i mean the baby is
not daddy's boy that's true but i so i uh assumed
that uh princess joanna was a part of lou's crew
who got just kind of uh pulled into daddy's scheme
mike mike daddy daddy mike oh daddy mike so yeah
so cage goes and he tries to kill lou yeah and
then he has a hot head so they're gonna friolate
joe shows up they fight they fight it out then
yeah nicholas cage gets friolated and again a
very gruesome like they show the boiled head
later and it's like yeah yeah this is that whole
like a half hour where There's just not really
dialogue going on. It's just Nicolas Cage throwing
shit, breaking things, yelling. His little tantrum
on the bed. It didn't even have the benefit of
boobs to keep my attention. It was a fine fight.
It was okay, but it could have used a boob shot.
A boob shot would be fine, yeah. So you said
you watched this with subtitles. When he's on
the bed going, what was he saying there? Robble,
robble, robble. You know, I don't remember. It
was probably just rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble.
I think it goes full Hamburglar. Jones and your
cheeseburgers real hard. Yeah. so one of the
things about this movie that i think is really
weird is that nick cage loved this character
enough of eddie king that he wanted it to come
back later as if eddie king did not get violated
yeah arsenal but is it a sequel or a prequel
because it seems very ambiguous from what i was
reading i don't know we'll find out yeah come
back in about nine months yeah so like uh what
15 uh 20 25 years later 25 years later about
yeah he makes the movie arsenal where he plays
the same character which now i'm really excited
about i know i am so excited i think it's his
prequel that even though he's 25 years older
playing the same character now it's his prequel
you know under that much makeup how can you tell
giving us the backstory of eddie and how he ended
up on the east coast after fucking up with some
mobsters i i can't wait I'm pretty jazzed about
it. I lose sleep thinking about how excited I
am. Let's go, baby. Joker's wild. High card.
I'm going to love the movie. Low card. I'm going
to love the movie. What? Joker. I fucking hate
you, dude. oh my god yes i did not know this
holy shit oh it's got john cusack in it this
is gonna be great yeah i am i'm excited into
this podcast is that our third cusack i think
so yeah because it was the um the frozen ground
frozen ground con air con air and this yeah perfect
three cusacks god damn it yeah The triple dip.
A good number of Cusacks. That's the correct
number of Cusacks. Not too many. So I think my
favorite quote from this was just, it was a Nick
Cage one in the moment when he's trying to like,
he's about to kill Lou or wants to, he's in the
office and he just goes, vive la fricking France,
man. What? He does go on a tirade that I really
loved. I didn't write it down, but just like.
filthy fucking this and filthy this and fuck
this and fucking filthy and it's like what the
fuck are you even saying the other one is when
he's trying to start the car and he just goes
fucking fucker fucked and then it's just that
like milk toast voiceover of bean it's like well
at least he was a lively fellow yeah and when
he gets the car going he's just got that arm
up in the air and he's like whipping it around
like yeah Dude, that car was pretty sick. Good
car. Yeah, I would totally drive that thing in
a white suit with a cummerbund and a bow tie.
That would be kind of cool, actually. We're going
to put it back on Joey now. So Nick Cage has
died and all the fun has gone out of the movie.
It's still weirdly horny, but has like no actual
vibe. Not a single. What else happens? Guide
us to the end. Man, take us home. After that,
my notes are. Well, OK, so. There's some sort
of a diamond grift and another attempted sting
that goes wrong in which Michael Biehn dies.
Or at least is shot. Do we see him dead? No,
it's not Michael Biehn. Oh, is it not him that
got shot? No, it's like his donut coffee girl
guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the
last note I have after this whole thing is Diamond
Claw Man equals sign Mega Man villain. Oh, Cut
Man, yeah. Yep. That's pretty terrific. The final
con is doing the same con that he killed his
dad. He accidentally killed his dad in the beginning.
Yeah, it's just the... oh it's a vicious cycle
everything's repeating again yeah he's wearing
a wire yeah just have a like a actual just cable
streaming out of the guy's sleeve yeah yeah it
was his apple earbud back when they were still
yeah i don't know the whole thing is so stupid
so then like the brother gets killed in this
random shootout and then joe's real dad is like
wow good work everyone nice con job and just
hands out money right i do have to hand it to
uh coburn yeah uh he did make two distinctly
different people like both brothers had different
mannerisms they talked differently you know he
put a little he put more effort into this movie
than chris coppola did which is unfortunate he
should have done less it would have been great
honestly i think just like this movie would have
been made so much more tolerable if chris coppola
was reined in a little bit on some of the shots
because it's definitely trying to like do weird
artsy coppola things that have not been earned
by this man like there's the weird scene of all
the black and white photos uh i can't even remember
why they did it i don't remember that oh i do
remember that no while watching that was like
what is this for yeah Oh, no, because it's during
the carousel scene, I think. Right. Oh, OK. Yeah.
So once the movie was done. Yeah. After Nicolas
Cage was dead. Yeah. I will say there is one
nice touch that I liked at the end where after
the brother is dead because he gets killed by
Dr. Lime and Dr. Lime's crew in that shootout
because Mr. Bean doesn't pull the trigger like
he did on his dad because he like. freezes up
um because they're supposed to be blanks and
then when he like confronts his dad at the end
he's like are they really blanks and then you
know shoots his dad and it they were blanks in
the first place so the dad never meant to kill
the brother unless the dad knew that he would
choke because of what happened to him right huge
puss yeah fucking i raised a fucking i raised
a fucking girl can't even shoot a man can't even
kill your own dad and dad uncle your replacement
dad second dad's count kill your uncle no he's
not a stepdad he's the dad that stepped up oh
my god now i'm gonna have that pregnant sonic
song stuck in my head thank you yeah pregnant
sonic oh hey everybody google pregnant sonic
well okay just for the images more more for the
song look up the song it's funnier well listen
to the song while you look at the images right
you can do both yeah this is what it looks like
this is still america a little slideshow you
can still look at pregnant sonic While housing
a chili dog and listening to a song about a pregnant
Sonic. He's full of life. It's okay. You have
the freedom of voice and expression and shit.
Nick, you know the sense memory that I had when
I was watching this movie, the thing that immediately
sprung to mind? Oh, what's that? It feels like
you remember your birthday, where you made us
go to that second run movie theater and watch
Ninja Assassin. Oh yeah. I got so drunk and passed
out. Everybody hated it so much. I spent more
than 50 % of that movie outside of the theater
smoking with Brandon and Paul. That movie was
so bad. And it felt like you doing that to me
over a distance of hundreds of miles again. I
do have that effect on people. man i had forgotten
about that one when you started to say something
about the birthday i was like oh no is this gonna
be like a a robo party is this which one is this
no the robo parties were good yeah good the escape
from sexy space prison that was probably one
of the best that was a great one what yeah yeah
i'm into this one explain i the theme of the
party was escape from sexy space prison and so
i was the space warden so i had like a like a
military jacket that i i think i spray painted
it silver because everything had to be space
themed so we just went around so much silver
we spray painted like fake fruit silver and put
it out it's space fruit Oh, and the whole house
just smelled like spray paint because we did
it like an hour before the party. Oh, man. Yeah.
Oh, man. That one was fucking killer, though.
I did love Escape from Sexy Space Prison. I had
a fake like purple fur hat and a mesh shirt.
oh yeah you were a pair of jeans i was a space
pimp and like a pair of jeans that like we just
cut out paper stencils of stars and like spray
painted silver stars onto oh that was the good
one the ninja assassin birthday was the one that
was bad yeah that's that was crossing the line
okay so we kind of covered quotes a little bit
um do you guys actually have one of my own yeah
It's when Beardy Boy tries to kill Nick Cage
and Nick Cage like turns it around on him and
gets one knife. All right, baby girl, who sent
you? Who sent you? Who sent you? Oh, that was
good. He's got him like on the ground with a
knife in his neck outside by the car. Yeah. Yeah,
pretty much anything that came out of Nicolas
Cage's mouth was just gold in like either like
terrifically delivered garbage. or garbage delivered
gold and i couldn't ever distinguish between
the two but i loved every everything that he
did in this film you can watch super cuts of
his scenes online and it's a better movie but
then you miss out on all the like side characters
it's true i love those side characters dr like
the baby and gg diamond claw man they're all
there Including a fucking monkey for no reason.
Hey, there you go. See, there you go, Nick. Someone
likes the monkeys. I googled who the monkeys
were. You didn't have to go to a thrift store
to buy that just to prove a point. I own that.
I've owned that for years. I own it now. I've
owned it longer than I've known you. Joey, did
you have a quote? The only one I wrote down was,
hi, fucking y 'all. I was a high fucking yeah
guy myself. So good. Best line amongst a thousand
terrible lines. All right. So we've got like
the, the cage grid, you know, good performance,
good movie, good, bad, bad, good. I don't do
this. Good cage, bad cage, good movie, bad, good,
good movie, good cage, bad movie, bad cage, good,
bad, bad, good. Yeah. That's the one. Thanks
Sean. So where would you put this, Joey? This
bad movie. And what are my options for cage rating?
Well, I mean, you can kind of say everyone makes
their own whatever we have a numerical value.
So movie bad. Cage. Three point five out of ten.
OK. Neat. Bad, bad, bad movie. Maybe I'm going
to say some controversial things here. This movie
is worse than... It's the N -word, isn't it?
Don't do it, Sean. It's not time. This movie
is now my least favorite movie that we've watched
on this thing. Wow. I would rather watch Primal.
Oh, God. I would still never watch City of Angels
again. City of Angels has its moments. Doesn't
have a fucking... All of those moments not being
this film. It doesn't have claw hands. It doesn't
have boobs. True. Are you guys done Wicker Man
yet? Because I really like the Lili Sobieski
and Nick Cage Wicker Man more than this. Yeah.
What's the one we fucking dunked on forever?
We watched it early. It's the one that broke
us. Doggy Dog. Oh, Doggy Dog. Doggy Dog's real
rough. I would watch this. I would rather watch
a Schrader than this again. Oh, whoa. I would
rather watch Dog Eat Dog again. OK, you've got
it on. It's on record now. Yeah. Sean loves Paul
Schrader. No, I hate Paul Schrader. I hate Paul
Schrader slightly less than I hate this movie.
OK, that's a hot take. But in terms of Cage,
six high fucking yaws out of ten. Yeah, this
is a bad movie with a golden cage. This is in
no way a bad Nicolas Cage performance. That's
what I call my chastity bill. The golden cage.
Look at you. I'm a pirate cage. I can't afford
gold yet, but I'm working on it. One day. It's
a soft metal. I get weird stains on my junk because
it's an off -brand gold. This turns your stuff
green. Yep. I think I got an allergy, Pop. I
obviously go to my dad with all of my genital
allergies. Chastity cage dermatitis. Wait, your
dad or your uncle? I don't know. Uncle Daddy.
Duncle. Duncle. Yeah, great, great performance.
Absolutely undefinable. yeah oh god and that
it cannot be defined this movie is textbook definition
of undefinable truly fucking terrible it is not
worth watching other than the supercut that sean
was talking about like or to see those side characters
i feel like i might have misinterpreted the cage
scale is this like cage being good or cage being
cage um it's kind of what what's in your heart
yeah Because then I'll call it five out of ten.
I'll revise my score if we're just rating it
out of being Nicolas Cage. That's terrific. I
mean, just like Nicolas Cage, you got to take
it by the minute. We're no longer judging these
movies together, so we can really just make up
our own rules now. Oh, it's way easier when we
have nothing to compare them against. Yeah. I
mean, it's also horrible, but. If this is the
worst movie that you've watched as part of this
so far, what's the best? Well, I mean, empirically
from our experiment, it is Raising Arizona. oh
that's yeah okay that's fair i was gonna propose
have you done um the color out of space yeah
we have that was the uh my initial inspiration
to do this was i watched that movie i'm like
huh nicholas kate is kind of great i should watch
more of his films i really actually liked that
one yeah yeah yeah that was a great one it's
a very good movie I like that he's a local bourbon
enthusiast. Oh, man, that was one of my favorite,
like random clips for the the movie showing that
we did. Oh, yeah. In memoriams were terrific.
I will say one thing I do appreciate about this
film, though, is, again, it's much like Kiss
of Death. It's one of those weird times where
we get Nicolas Cage as an actual villain. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, true. Ooh, I bought my first DVD recently,
like years. I now own Surf Ninjas because you
can't stream it in America. Okay, that's fair.
I also recently started acquiring DVDs again
when I got an Xbox and right now I've got like
basically 20 to 25 Godzilla movies and Jaws.
Nice. Solid. Yeah. That is a very singularly
focused collection. Well, I got the Godzilla
Showa era Criterion collection a little while
back. And then I also have the Godzilla Master
Collection series that I've technically owned
for years, but didn't have anything that I could
play it on. Which, that thing's nuts. If you
have it still sealed up, it's worth like $400.
It's crazy. Whoa. Yeah. That's a lot of Zillas.
It's a lot of them. Well, it's not even a lot
of them. I think there's just a couple of movies
in there that are really hard to find otherwise.
Like I got it when I was in college from like
an ex -girlfriend's parents for Christmas or
something when it was new and like cost 40 bucks
or whatever. And I've just had it since then.
And the only one that's ever been opened is the
original Godzilla movie from like 54 in it. I
think I remember that. Was that Izzy? No, that
was Kayla's parents. Yeah, okay. Knife in the
tree. Knife in the tree. Who was the one who
got crazy and then like was up in a tree with
a knife one day? I mean, if this isn't ringing
a bell. I think that's got to be somebody else's
relationship you're talking about. No, this was
your relationship. It wasn't a very long one.
No. I don't know. I'm never going to figure it
out. Peter, this conversation that we have no
engagement in is more interesting than the movie
we had to watch for this podcast. I mean, it's
true. She wasn't a theater major. Was she like,
we didn't have any like nursing or anything.
She feels like she's crazy enough to be a nursing
major, but. What about Brandon's Angela? The
one we never saw? Oh God, what was it? There
was some reason that like I didn't hang out around
her because she didn't like my influence or something
like that. And he didn't hang around with Natasha.
She thought you were a bad influence on Brandon.
Yeah, I don't know. I think she was like nursing,
wasn't she? Yeah, she was never a knife in the
tree kind of person. She could have been a knife
in the tree kind of person. I bet Evan would
remember. You should text Evan. He doesn't take
my calls anymore for reasons. Probably because
he's trying to have a career in politics. I don't
know. Yeah. You gotta be juicy about who you
associate with. I'm persona non grata for some
people. I mean, he still texts me, so he's, you
know, there will be dirt that comes up. I don't
know who is Knife and Tree. We'll leave it as
a mystery. Yeah. Come back in two weeks. she
could still be up in that tree with a knife she
could be in the tree in the knife with the knife
or knives in the in the yard but that was just
throwing knives that we forgot to pick up and
then the grass got too tall and it was we were
playing lawnmower surprise i love lawnmower surprise
that's terrifying bunch of lighters and knives
city says we gotta mow it so let's mow it now
We don't got time to rake. Now, if you if you
hit the knife just right, that does mowing for
you. Maybe. Maybe. It must have done something
because we did not find those knives again. Yeah.
Well, Joey, it's been nice. Thank you for joining
us on this adventure. Thanks for thanks for suffering.
Yeah. Thanks for having me. I hope that everybody
has a little bit less context when they think
about me now. Yeah. Just more questions. Just
adding to Nick lore. I think that's the whole
point of this entire podcast. You're an enigma.
An enigma. Man of mystery. Enigma. Jesus. Yeah.
So next up, we've got Christmas Carol colon the
movie. Which is a weird like live action into
animation. It's a Zemeckis. No, it's not. It's
not. No. Look it up again. Oh, no, I think. Oh,
God, what am I thinking of? I'm thinking of.
No, you're thinking of the terrible Jim Carrey
one. Which we might end up just talking about
that more. No, I'm thinking of fucking what's
the Polar Express. That's what I was thinking
of. Oh, well, this is in the same era of Zemeckis.
yeah no okay no i was i was picturing like rubbery
cg this is oh this is worse this is so much worse
i've never seen it i can't wait oh this is like
okay this isn't like that page master style of
like animation ah gross we're gonna have christmas
like right before fucking halloween quit pushing
christmas forward oh man Supposed to be putting
up my Halloween decorations like in the next
week. Well, I mean, Cage's character is Marley,
so he's got like chains and he's a ghost. Like
if you're going to make a Halloween. That's a
little Halloween -y. That's pretty Halloween
-y. Man. As you know, Christmas Carol is probably
the more Halloween -y of the Christmas stories.
Yeah. So thank you all for listening. Thank you
to our Sparkle Buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam,
Bill, Stuart, and new Sparkle Buddy, Willow.
And to our Caged Dancers, John Freeman, Nathan
N. Cameron. And to Bill Panks for our intro music.
And to our guest, Joey the Smoke. Last name.
Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Bye. Bye -bye. It's one of
those weird things, though, where, like, if I
closed my eyes, I could just imagine that this
was the witch's brew or whatever. Like, they're
not that dissimilar. I mean, this one's clearly
grape. And that one was clearly not poison. Yeah.
I'm 150 miles away, and I feel like I could smell
it. You know exactly what it smells like. Yeah,
I've never smelled one and I think I know what
it smells like. You know exactly what it smells
like. Rachel, when we got married, her uncle
bought a bottle of like sparkling wine. He was
like, oh, celebrating. And, you know, it's nothing
like. crazy um expensive but it is blue for some
reason and we thought it was just that it was
a blue bottle but no it is actually like dyed
blue and tastes like blue raspberry like super
fake and weird it was really rough we tried drinking
it and both of us were like i can't i can't do
it and it was like maybe if you close your eyes
you don't realize that it's blue and it tastes
better it did not yeah blue is one of my favorite
flavored colors see you would have probably enjoyed
this one i mean that's the best gatorade