Oh, God. I think I was maybe turning 23 or something.
I looked at my friends. I was like, you know
what? I've never robo tripped. So for my birthday,
I threw myself a robo -tripping party where everybody
dressed like robots. And then we just drank a
bunch of Robitussin DM and got fucked up in my
buddy's backyard. And then you've just got a
bunch of robots puking in the backyard the whole
night and then just feeling like shit. Like I
would not recommend robo -tripping unless you're
like seven, like 15. If you're 15 and you're
listening to this podcast. And you can't find
some adult to buy you real liquor. And you live
in a state that can't get you drugs with normal
availability. Say you're a loser and you don't
have a pot guy. Get yourself some Robitussin
DM. Yeah, hit the tussin. Robitussin's harder
to get at this point than like fucking just beer.
Oh, definitely the DM because it gets you fucked
up. A bunch of losers can't properly trip. Robo
trip. I don't know, more robo -tripping. I want
to say something to any person that might actually
take Nick's advice on this one, any potential
teenagers listening to this podcast. Why are
you listening to this podcast? This isn't for
you. No, and holy smokes. Hey, man, we're hot
with the teens. Yeah, and the teens are into
drinking Robitussin. Yeah, they should be. Speaking
of like gas station liquor, did you ever see
those like hard things? It's fucking like, it's
like a jar of like fucking liquor, like a Mason
jar of like, are you just talking about buzz
balls? My, I don't know. My buddy Scott, whenever
his like girlfriend was at a living girlfriend
was out of town, he'd want to like go drinking,
but he didn't drink beer. So like I'd go buy
a six pack and he'd get two of those like Apple
Jacks, like just Mason jars of like. flavored
liquor and just get fucked up and just start
yelling at me about how, you know, he was a golden
God and shit. It was fun. Yeah. That's awesome.
Uh, so you started that story with talking about
this guy's live in girlfriend, but through your
cadence, all I heard was living girlfriend. And
I was like, Oh, he's got a dead girlfriend too.
Look at him with his alive. This guy's got a
hot nightlife. Like when living girlfriends too
tired or has a headache. Good thing I got dead
girlfriend. The moral of the story was don't
drink with amateurs or don't drink with tourists.
If you're going to drink, drink with alcoholics.
Yeah, that's fair. Although a friend of mine,
he's now five years sober, but like he was one
of those people that like if you drank with him,
you got in trouble, like guaranteed. It was like
you ended up on a roof sometime. Oh, cool. Why
are we up here? It's like, I don't know. You
want to fight? Maybe. OK, he brought the big
balls. He brought the big balls to the party.
This dude needs to stop being sober because sobriety
is not his thing. Yeah. Clearly, he and I are
kindred spirits. His name is Mike Primavera,
which is a tight ass name. Are you fucking kidding
me? isn't that amazing my middle name is mike
and i want a primavera with this guy absolutely
i don't know what that means but i like getting
on roofs and i like fighting yeah i think isn't
primavera just like a bunch of vegetables and
a pasta i don't know it doesn't sound as badass
when you put it that way but yeah no it sounds
pretty italian and that's pretty shitty fuck
italians peter peter you sent me a what a sticker
a sticker yeah about the big balls oh yeah the
big ball sticker i didn't know what i meant until
now our big blue balls yeah it's better than
the blue one yeah no this definitely tastes like
uh you know those jugs of like pre -made margarita
mix that you just add the tequila to yeah it's
one of the chilies i know or less than that baby
back ribs Chili's baby back ribs, barbecue sauce.
Oh, fuck yeah. How is it that we don't have a
sponsor yet? I know. Yeah. Why would, why would
we not have a sponsor at this point? Chili's
is having a giant comeback. Are they? Yeah. Yeah.
It's a thing. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe
we go. Yeah. Yeah. I would do a Chili's night.
I mean, I would eat at a Chili's. I actually
kind of liked their food when I worked there
because I got a super cheap discount. But you
were that makes a lot of things more palatable.
When I worked at McDonald's, I got a sick discount
and I ate McDonald's a lot. Right. But one time.
Oh, my God. So one time we had a company party
and. We were like down on the beach, down on
the river beach, because that's what we had.
And what is a river beach called? It's the beach
part of the river. It's the sandy, rocky shore.
It's water meets dirt. So everybody like everybody's
clowning on me because I showed up to the river
beach party with like two bags. I had like, I
would say maybe like 40. McDonald's cheeseburgers
because I got them 50 % off. Hell yeah. So they
were like 20 some odd cents each at this point.
And they're like, Nick, we all work at McDonald's.
Why did you bring McDonald's cheeseburgers? Well,
you know what didn't happen? The dude who was
supposed to bring the barbecue, he didn't show
up until like two hours later. You know who had
hamburgers for everybody? Me. Yeah. Life of the
party. Yeah. It was fucking sad. Welcome back
to Cage Match, colon around about Wade meeting
Nicolas Cage. I'm your host, Sean, here with
my co -host. Nick. And our producer. Peter, hello.
And welcoming back our favorite guest, Eric.
Thanks, Sean. Our favorite topless guest, Eric.
Yeah, you might be our first one to actually
lose a shirt. And tonight we're discussing...
Oh, what is this podcast even about anymore,
Peter? I don't know. I mean, at this point, like,
maybe Nick Cage movies, but this one, at least
he's in as a star. Yeah, we are in the starring
roles of Nicolas Cage again. Yeah. Before we
forget, as we have done for the past few weeks,
we're talking about Firebirds this week, starring
Nicolas Cage, Sean Young, and... Tommy Lee Jones,
baby. Tommy Lee Jones. And a definitively middle
-aged Tommy Lee Jones. When they threw a 40th
birthday party, I was like, I've been having
a really hard time with that. I did look it up.
He was 44 when he recorded this. And I was like,
he still looks like shit. That man looks like
he is 90. That man looks like he smoked in the
womb. He looked like he was getting sponsored
by Just For Men's. Like that hair color was rich.
All right. So we're having a hard time being
the same age as Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah. Hey, I'm
not that old yet. Just as old as his character.
But I feel all the same aches and pains. I'm
technically older than his character. Like when
I stand up, I have back pain and I identify with
his character. He only had back pain after he
got punched in the face. That's true. He did
get fucking rocked. Yeah. Which when you're 41
or 40 in his case, quote unquote. Freshly 40.
Yeah. My favorite kind of 40. How's everyone?
How's everyone? How's middle age treating everybody?
No way better than Tommy Lee Jones. Better than
Tommy Lee Jones. Holy smokes. Again, that was.
If we're going to jump straight to quotes, it
was going to be. I'm 40. Like, oh, yeah, nice.
It's like, oh, shit. You can give your quote
whenever. This show's never had good structure.
Yeah. Kind of like my underwear. Ew. No, I'm
aging very gracefully, actually. My grays come
in in a very nice combination of Reed Richards
and Ra's al Ghul. love it clearly the best ways
to gray out that's what i want i want that but
still all black from the neck up well celebrate
that as long as you can you know yeah i don't
think you can celebrate blackface at all actually
anymore sean you need to like let that one go
it's 2025 i walked into that I don't think I
hurt any more than I used to hurt. But I admittedly
party less hard than I used to. So I wake up
on less piles of gravel. When was the last time
you had a fight on a roof? Roof fight, roof fight,
roof fight. God, I mean, long enough. I can't
even identify when. So disappointing. We've got
a holiday weekend coming up. And honestly, check
back in next week. I don't know about roof fight,
but there's definitely opportunities to punch
people in the face. There's going to be a woodland
fight. It's going to go wild. Yeah. I'm going
to bring buzz balls. That's my contribution to
this weekend. Oh, my God. You have to sneak them
into the wedding, actually. So just in your pants,
two gigantic buzz ball biggies. Well, do I have
to buy the biggies to get the little buzzy? Or
do I need to get normal? i'm pretty sure to get
a little buzzy you just gotta have to you have
somebody pretend to be a lady for a little bit
okay wait tell me again the rules on getting
a little buzzy so uh and for the people who clearly
think i'm just an idiot uh saying nonsense a
little buzzy is a buzz ball themed that's what
they're called yeah i i'm hip i know what this
is uh this is why the teenagers listen to our
podcast exactly for this and my hot robitussin
dm tips you need to you need to quote grab 10
balls to get a labuzzy all at once i'm pretty
sure you got 10 balls in hand any retailer uh
sure can i just go to my you can just demand
a labuzzy wherever I'm going to go down to my
local shell station and I'm just going to ask,
show me your LaBuzzy and I'm going to start like
piling balls on the fuzzy LaBuzzy. Give me your
your fuzzy LaBuzzy, sir or madam. OK, there are
no women who work at my shell station. Sean,
get us on track. No, this is gold. So Firebirds,
Eric, what was the plot of this film? Give us
the plot rundown. Other than starting with a
George Herman Walker Bush quote. What was that
one? I don't remember what it said. Something
about rah -rah America. It was basically like
a war on drugs thing. Yeah. Which is dumb. Yeah,
fucking drugs rule. I mean, even if drugs didn't
rule, the war on drugs was dumb. That's true.
It's a loser. America doesn't do losers for at
least another. 20 years. All right, Eric, guide
us through this movie. Firebirds, 1990. Director,
David Green. George Herman Walker Bush. I mean,
what? A lot was going on. Well, when we started,
I thought it was just going to be a a what? Top
gun. Clone. Yeah, yeah. Clone. It happened right
after the original Top Gun. And yeah, it was
kind of. Which is a hot time to make these. It
was. Yeah, it was a helicopter Top Gun. Helicopter.
Yeah. It's like Airwolf. Yes, but Top Gun Nicolas
Cage. But I really I really enjoyed how they
were talking about the cartel as if it's singular.
And that could have been there might have just
been one at the time. That's true. Like now there
are cartels competition. I'm pretty sure we were
just dealing with one of the time to get them.
Yeah, cartel. oh man i fucking loved how they
what eric coulter is that his name uh the the
the mean the mean helicopter pilot the bad guy
the bad guy stoller eric stoller yeah anytime
they had fucking um fucking briefs army briefs
oh yeah you're doing army briefs and you're talking
about the guy and he's just there like just doing
like just like uzi yeah as opposed to army boxers
which we get to later botches and briefs jokes
like this guy good this guy's this guy's really
evil and he's just like uzi next to his side
or just like looking like looking off to the
side really bad yeah did you guys look at any
of this guy's uh like other acting credits etc
fuck no oh my god okay so the actor's name is
burt ryan hell yeah i was like okay he's probably
been in nothing else and i was dead on but what
he was very very successful at for a while was
producing like low rent soft core porn Oh, my
God. Yeah. I can't believe I didn't know his
name. So Bert Ryan. All those fucking shots were
from his softcore porn days. Listen to some of
these titles. Best buns on the beach. Yes. Perfect
body content. Of course. The wildest office strip
party. And then he gets into a real niche. Nude
stretching. Nude Tai Chi. And nude cigar smoking.
What? Oh, man. You guys, you guys want to go
smoke cigars down at Denny Blaine later? But
yeah, anyway, they do. They paint him as like
the most badass motherfucker that's ever existed,
which like I get it. Being a badass helicopter
pilot is cool, but also kind of not that cool.
I like that he's presented himself as like the
Darth Vader of cartel. He gets in the TIE fighter
and shoots people down. You are a weak -ass cartel
boss if you are out there doing the killing yourself.
He's not the boss. He's not in something so dangerous
as helicopter. He's just a contractor. They said
that he went to terrorist school. I forget where
it started, but he ended in North Korea. They
really need to shut that place down. They should
really shut that school down. don't worry did
he get college credit now at the trade school
well yeah in north korea yeah of course uh okay
so clearly i didn't pay enough attention to that
element of the story he was not the cartel boss
i thought he was cartel boss he's cartel cover
oh he just protects their bodyguard he's their
helicopter bodyguard helicopter bodyguard yeah
this movie is fucking stupid i wish i had a helicopter
bodyguard actually and every time i'm like about
to have trouble like say i'm driving home and
like a cop comes to pull me over like my helicopter
just comes out from over beacon hill just right
over the hill and it's just like ready fucking
scorpion he's just right there on rainier and
it's like oh shit okay maybe we won't pull this
guy over you're you're on team scorpion then
yeah obviously I don't think I have room around
my home for an Apache to land. To your point,
Nick, they like build this guy up who has no
speaking lines in this film. Zero. None. 90 %
of the film, 90 % of his like screen time is
like our headshots. I love the fucking headshots.
They're oozy. They're supposed to be like telephoto
lens photos from like spies. And they're just
dudes like they're just. Justice headshots. It's
great. Yeah. It's pretty incredible. He's got
like the most non -existent, non -threatening
role. He kind of gets in every once in a while.
But again, if you're doing army recon photos
and you're just like, oh shit, he's just putting
a gun in this guy's mouth and then just like,
oh yeah, what else he put in that mouth? softcore
porno nude stretching right there bad guy bad
guy nude cigar smoking this was your audition
this is how we got into it oh man okay so yeah
what other plot line is there so there's that
guy no there's a bunch jones is supposed to teach
nick cage what are these characters names nick
cage is jake preston Holy shit. That's the...
So Jake Preston is like the hotshot young helicopter
pilot who survives an encounter with... He's
the best. He's absolutely the best. He's the
greatest! I'm the greatest! I'm the greatest!
I'm the greatest! I can't wait to be playing
a video game downstairs in like a week. Like,
I'm just fucking playing. I don't know. Put your
monocle on. Yeah. Put my monocle and my top hat
on. I'm just like, I'm the greatest. Josie's
going to be like, you're the fucking dumbest.
Again, then we get to that. He puts the monocle
down. Oh, shit. Eye disparity. Right. Yeah. That
fucking. right eye dominant oh shit eyeball dominance
that was that was a big part of the film it is
a real thing but so that's the thing that was
kind of i mean yes it is a real thing that's
the thing that kind of blew me away about this
movie do you guys want to give a little context
to the listener no no uh you're right i actually
would uh so i have driven drunk with one eye
several times what's your dominant drunk eye
uh well i actually used to have the same uh the
same apparatus as they were using in the movie.
Okay. Uh, with the, uh, helicopter pilot helmet
with the, uh, yeah, where they made the periscope
with the one eyeball periscope. Yeah. Okay. That's
how I use same red panties. So nothing's more
inconspicuous than driving down the road after
a few beers with red panties on your head and
a periscope sticking out your driver window.
Yeah. The sunroof. Okay. So for the listeners,
Jake Preston is a helicopter pilot and he has
a eye dominance problem where he for the Apache,
you have to have your one of your eyes is in
an actual like screen viewer and the other is
viewing. real life out the window but his are
opposite yeah he's left eye dominant so he can't
do it and he has a really shitty time one time
in the helicopter when he's in the bag and he
fails his test and he feels like a piece of shit
because he is the greatest but not that day so
he has to go and figure out his shit by wearing
a pair of panties on his head and using a periscope
out the window yeah tommy lee jones teaches him
the way he had like learned eye dominant stuff
which you know i guess in the 80s uh well it
would be the 60s 70s i guess this is supposed
to happen i think it's the 80s well it would
have been 20 years prior to the movie takes place
in 1989 correct yeah so 20 years prior 69 nice
and tommy lee jones is driving around with panties
on his head you know what that's a cool movie
Well, yeah, all right. That would be a cooler
movie. I do like, though, that they're like,
I'm going to teach you this trick by letting
you drive at speed on an active army base while
being practically blindfolded. Next to, like,
the fucking general. Yeah. Oh, hello, general
and your wife. Don't mind this weird fucking
apparatus. Yeah, as we blast through ditches
at high speeds. Yeah. Because you're an Apache
driver. You can't drive slow. No, you're the
greatest pilot, not a driver. But yeah, this
movie, there's so much shit that goes into like
the final showdown with Captain Porno. that like
i was like two -thirds or more into it where
i was like nothing has nothing has happened this
movie was insanely boring for what the movie's
like 120 some odd minutes long yeah i mean it's
still insanely boring for the entire thing so
100 minutes kind of suck yeah and then you've
got 20 minutes of action scene right i want to
talk about how just cheap this how cheaply this
movie was made because none especially when it
comes to the action scene at the end the big
helicopter fight there's never two helicopters
on screen at once and it they like use the same
footage a lot complicated too much money sure
but they put their money into the helicopters
for sure yeah i mean right yeah you get a one
day rental on a helicopter and you just fly it
around really hard yeah get as much b -roll as
you can yeah and come back the next day with
the other helicopter It's all B -roll. And they
do use the same shots a few times, including...
Are you sure they didn't just use the same offensive
maneuvers? Speaking of offensive maneuvers, my
favorite time where they use the same exact shot
for something isn't a helicopter scene. It's
when he's trying to hit on Sean Young at the...
at tommy lee jones's 40th birthday party and
she kind of gives him the eye over the shoulder
and then two minutes later they use the exact
same like cut of her giving him the eye over
the shoulder are you sure she wasn't using the
same sexual maneuver oh there you go actually
some people only have one move do a barrel roll
no they they had a whole their whole fucking
uh They had a army training situation where all
they were doing was sexually innuendos. Yes.
Absolutely. Not very good. Oh, I thought it was
glorious. Well, now I know how to light your
fire. It was very sexual. No, I'm very sexual.
I'm still hard. Well, now I'm up on top and behind.
Oh, Eric, I am sorry. I let your buzzball run
dry. Let me top you off here. Eric's going to
have to use the apparatus to drive home. uh no
we do not encourage drinking and driving here
okay so yeah plotline wise all right they got
to kill the guy he's the helicopter guy so they
train a shit ton so they can kill the helicopter
guy then they go and they kill the helicopter
guy and the movie ends yeah i love that they've
got like this elite level like enemy that they
need to deal with and their solution is well
we'd better get some rookies some people who
have no combat experience in this specific thing
that is apparently the best and like therefore
the most complicated new thing to Tommy Lee Jones
wanted in there the whole time he was like I'm
the most yeah but he's got fucking but he's also
40 yeah yeah that's true i mean this movie is
really just you know about like tommy lee jones
he's like oh i'm i'm useless i'm old and wants
to recapture his youth by killing the guy and
nick cage is the young buck who is already great
at his job and just kind of has a weird eye thing
and for some reason they can't just change the
monocle side i was so baffled benched like hey
how about also how about just like move it over
there could you just have a helmet that can do
both yeah oh we'll just put it over there we
got a left eye guy yeah well ned flanders hadn't
invented the left porium yet that's true so this
movie makes me want a specific a very specific
genre of film it's like a coming of age but it's
a coming of middle age film where you just get
dudes from like transitioning into their 40s
like oh no i have responsibilities and it's like
oh you gotta watch him mow the lawn shit his
kids are gonna get so so green so green no nick
nick came into that really hard he was just like
oh what's so bad about hanging out and drinking
beers and he did uh yeah doing sex no yeah just
what's so bad about staying home Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. When he comes into or comes on to Billy
and he's all like, oh, what's wrong with just
being a stay at home mom and not flying helicopters?
Obviously a lot. If you fly helicopters, maybe,
maybe I'm just saying doing dishes doesn't do
it for you. What if you do them like and you
also have them do a barrel roll? That'd be cool.
Also, I like how his argument was it was good
enough for his mom. Which clearly that's what
you get when you get Nick Cage. My mom did that.
Yeah. They have no chemistry in this film, Nick
Cage and Sean Young. I hated it. So we kind of
touched on it before we started recording, but
like Sean Young is pretty bad in this. I don't,
I don't think they gave her much of a chance.
This movie was all about Tommy Lee Jones talking
fast. Oh, that's every Tommy Lee Jones film.
But you cast Tommy Lee Jones when you need somebody
to spit out a fucking pile of words. Yeah. Oh,
words like it has a roll rate of 150 degrees
per second. So if you need to duck, dive or disappear,
this buggy will do it before your brain can think.
We could crash this aircraft at 20 G's and survive,
but I am not going to prove it to you. Yeah,
that's when Nick Cage goes. Darn. Yep. Darn.
Damn. Killer, killer line. Okay, if we're doing
Tommy Lee Jones quotes, the first one I wrote
down to this movie is, boy, you're going to be
busier than a three -peckered goat. Oh yeah,
that was a good one. I noted that too. Because
I don't, what does a one -peckered goat do? I
mean, I think they fuck a lot. Right. Goats are
horny. Two peckers worth less. Yeah. Two peckers
worth less of fucking, yes. Or business. We don't
know what kind of busyness this three peckered
goat's doing. That's what I mean. What are you
going to do with those peckers? Let's bring this
conversation back. I love it. I was going to
say we've had that conversation before. We did
two. I think we did three because we did get
into triangles or is it like three wide or three
vertically stacked? A goat is really busy with
one pecker. right yeah yeah yeah hold on i need
to sit down and think real quick i don't think
i've ever googled what a goat's wiener looks
like like hard you wait you haven't googled what
a hard goat's wiener looks like or you haven't
done a hard you haven't done a hard enough job
to look for it yeah i'm looking up goat boners
right now don't worry about it we're gonna oh
my god we finally broke peter goat boner image
search oh it's pretty straight oh it's long it's
skinny uh yeah okay here's one licking his own
goat boner oh yeah okay it's a sort of dog red
rocket style but like i feel like more known
for their balls so i feel like you guys missed
out on a couple themes uh they talked about uh
I don't know, just like women in normal things.
Nick Cage was just like, hey, stay home. Right.
And then they talked about women in combat things
right after that. Like which is like get mounted.
No, it was like, don't do it. Oh, sure. Oh, I
thought it was. I fly the Apache, so I'm superior.
There was a lot. There was a lot of that. That
was a direct line, actually. For your safety.
What I caught on to most about this film is it
was probably getting kickbacks from Bud Light.
The bar scene was every label Bud Light towards
the camera. Yeah. It's like everybody drinks
Bud Light. I didn't realize the army was full
of bitches. You didn't? Can we talk about Nick
Cage's performance in this? Because this is.
this is like oh god i can't think of the word
bad bad yeah but it's like it's a very try hard
well he was nothing until the worst it's all
his worst uh like regular things he does the
he does the weird like high kick he does when
he when he's acting mad he does the really high
mad voice just it's it's all the greatest stuff
then there's the weird like he lists off a bunch
of things that just sounds like the punch monkeys
from crude stew situation except without being
great yeah well was that where where he's killing
everybody just like uh punch him kill him yeah
yeah it's right after he's been the greatest
and right before that was when he talked about
strawberry gum oh yeah lord yeah Yeah, video
game Preston is not great. I mean, he is the
greatest, but he's not great to watch. Not entertaining
for sure. I love when he flies into the telephone
lines, I guess, and gets shut down. I love seeing
somebody cocky get shut down. They weren't ready
to run Zulu. Yeah, I know. Zulu was too much.
You put him through Zulu? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow.
Oh, my God. I love like old tech in movies. It's
just so fucking funny to me. Yeah, look at our
super advanced, like top of the line training
simulation. You mean the box that shakes and
shows me fucking Tron? Cool. I'm ready for war,
daddy. Let's do it. He is kind of his war daddy.
Yeah, he is a war daddy. Yeah. Or War Poppy?
Hi, Poppy. No. Oh. Yeah, I don't know. I don't
have a lot of positives to say about this. I
don't have a lot of like strong negatives either.
This movie just kind of is lame. I would love
to have seen more of the cartel side. I wanted
to like really feel something. For the enemy,
like whether it's repulsion for what they're
doing or anybody. Yeah. Like all you see is Eric
Stoller in like some close ups. Right. And then
like a couple of the cartel people being put
into something to get away before they get. Yeah.
Running away from an airfield or something. And
then there's those two jets that they never show
the pilots of that just get like. Could have
been the same jet. Yeah. Could have been the
same jet. Oh, OK. So. Butt shot. Sean Young's
shoulder -mounted missile launcher. Okay, that
was pretty sick. Yeah, I liked that. And I liked
as, you know, Tommy Lee Jones is explaining how
to assemble it to her. It's like that one looks
like a little coffee can and you put the little
coffee can in the other thing and then you do
this and you chuck it on there. And then obviously
when you're telling a woman how to assemble an
RPG, you have to use kitchen terms. Now, one
of these looks like a frying pan. That one looks
like a cutting board. Come on. That was that
was right after the one that looked like a tea
towel. And you wrap that around the other one.
That was right after he said, you put the baby
to bed. I broke both my legs. Like, nope, nope.
Leave me alone. Yeah, I just have to. here in
this fucking helicopter nope yeah it's like are
you okay i don't think so i broke both my legs
i love tommy lee jones yeah he talks fast i love
a fast talker okay so the part of the movie that
just drove me absolutely insane so you finally
get to the conflict right they've gotten everybody
down to fucking loosely south america you know
and then they just get bombed and then they're
at this base and they just get attacked by stoller
but he's just shooting at the people and like
firing missiles at the people on the ground when
all the apaches are just sitting there fucking
lame ducks they wasted so much artillery just
doing meaningless explosions in the background
insane they made no sense absolutely no camouflaging
for these He's like top of the line helicopter
sitting in the middle of a fucking brown desert.
Green helicopters couldn't hit him, but he's
the best. He's the best. Maybe he's a terrorist
pilot. He's so cocky. He's like, I'm going to
pick these motherfuckers off one by one. He's
gotten paid. I've got 37 missiles on my helicopter.
There can't be more than 37 Americans. Maybe
he wanted an upgrade. Maybe he wanted one of
those helicopters. Boom. That just crossed my
mind too. Maybe he wanted to commandeer all the
Apaches afterwards. So that's the smart move.
So blowing all their shit up wouldn't have done
it. That's smarter than this movie. Yeah. Line
them all to Russia. You gave him more credit
than it's worth, Sean. I think he wanted background
explosions. When the first explosion happens
at the camp, tommy lee jones and nick cage immediately
just run towards the explosion there's like no
self -preservation there yeah well their army
not air force air force would have run away if
you were in a situation like that running towards
a thing that just blew up might be the safest
spot before you know it's not like they're gonna
shoot the same spot twice right away twice right
away well yeah don't worry about that you're
you're only talking about lightning there I mean,
the helicopter had to go for another pass. Yeah,
that could have been the worst. That was probably
the worst part of the action sequence was just
like that opening salvo of stupid. We need something
to drive your heartbeat kind of action. Here's
a little zoom in on the guy whose arm got blown
off. Like, I mean, that's cool. I love a good
arm blown off. Not a single boat chase in this
film sucks. What was your favorite part, Eric?
Favorite part? I couldn't fucking fix on anything.
It was a stupid thing. And credits were pretty
cool. Was it fucking to that Phil Collins song?
Oh, good Lord. The Phil Collins sex scene was
a lot. Yeah. It was like, oh, there was nipple.
There was nipple in there. I will say that fucking
to Phil Collins is pretty run -of -the -mill
for me. I'm a pretty hard Genesis fucker myself,
but... You like those compression drums? Yeah.
What, you guys don't have a curated soundtrack?
My fuck track? Of Phil Collins songs? Of Phil
Collins, yeah. It's all Susu Studio. yeah that
tracks god did i even have a favorite part of
this film it's a tough question right yeah i
like when uh i like when they finally kill uh
stole the bad guy and he has this one like spoken
part where he just kind of yells and just it's
weirdly gory yeah they really like fucking really
relished the fact that they were killing him
up good this guy we had zero interest in killing
Aside from getting through the film. Yeah. Yeah.
And knowing what he went on to produce, I'm like,
no, he's a hero. National treasure. Yeah. Any,
any favorite moment or quote? That's fine too.
I mean, my quote was the three pecker goat quote.
That's a good one. It's so good. I got some,
I got some actual Nick Cage quotes here. I was
a fan of, I lost a little bit of control there.
But now everything's cool. Oh, man. Who is the
lady in there? Sean, Sean, Sean Young. She really
didn't like what he was saying. And and Nick
Cage just raised his eyebrows. Oh, yeah. She
says, I want you to stop this. Right, right.
Waggles his eyes salaciously. That was my favorite
quote. Yeah, that was a good one. He is so horny.
Yeah, he's super horny. Oh, I respect that a
lot. Arguably, the most clever line of this film
is Jake Preston to Brad Little. Well, that's
really big of you, Little. He's so dumb. I loved
it. You know what I love about this movie and
what I couldn't stop thinking about the whole
time? It has the budget and feel of an early
90s USA TV show. This is something I would have
watched right after Renegade. Yeah. I told Josie
I would much rather be watching Airwolf through
this whole thing. Oh, 100%. No, there's a reason
that this thing got made. It had a time and a
place. Yeah. Immediately after Top Gun. Yeah,
exactly. Top Gun came out in 1986, and it had
a budget of $15 million, and this had a budget
of $22 million in 1990. So it's basically the
exact same budget, but sucks shit. By comparison.
Was there that much inflation between in three
years? That's Josh. Yeah. Hey, drop down in the
comments. Tell me what the inflation difference
was. What was the cost of living difference between
89 and 86? Yeah, I think the only other quote
that stood out to me was right at the end when
Cage gets himself in. He's ready to mount. You
know, he's pulled himself into the back position.
He just says. I thought that happened. And he
just says, I'm going to kill him now. And that's
it. Yeah. That was a sweet maneuver when he got
into that. Like, Oh yeah. Yeah. Pretty tight.
I just want to say, I love that. I'm just scrolling
down IMDB and when I get to the user reviews,
the first two that popped up are just like, not
as bad as most people say. Yeah. Okay. So I was
thinking about that. Cause I saw that, that review
too. And I was like, you know what? It's kind
of accurate because like, I thought this was
going to be a two. And like it was maybe a four.
This is a solid very poorly reviewed. And I think
it's kind of less worthy of that kind of hate.
Yeah. To fully align with what everybody else
is saying, but with using different words. Yes.
Yeah. It is not as bad as you think it is. But
it's bad. Yeah. Like temper your expectations,
but don't let yourself fall into the trap. All
right, Eric, where would you put this on the
matrix? Good movie, bad movie, good cage, bad
cage, good, good, bad, bad, good, bad, bad, good.
OK, movie, bad cage. OK, bold. He had he had
his cage moments. Holy shit. Like in the simulator.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That that was huge. But
no, this was Tommy Lee Jones. I wish he narrated
his actual fights the way he narrated his simulated
fights. Yeah, his video game. Just with some
complete gamer douchebag in the air. I'm the
greatest. I'm the greatest. I am the greatest.
I am the greatest. No, the best part of the movie
was Nick Cage doing his shoot him, sting him.
Finger in the bottom. Yeah, he had it all. LaBuzzy.
LaBuzzy. Get him in the LaBuzzy. I'm inclined
to agree with that. Yeah, like... You're inclined
to agree with get him in the LaBuzzy? Yeah. No,
but like, fine film, bad cage. Yeah. I would
watch this movie again if I was in an Airbnb
that... Only had basic cable and this is what
was on. Or just a bunch of weird VHS. Yeah. Yeah.
And it was between this and City of Angels. Oh,
I would watch this over City of Angels for sure.
Like any day of the week. Actually, every day
of the week. Yeah. Give me seven choices between
this and City of Angels. I'd watch this. Yeah.
All right. I'd find a better quote. I would stop
Googling what goat penises look like. And I would
start using Chad GPT to stack three goat penises
so I know what a three -peckered goat's up to.
Is that a thing about goats? Do they fuck a lot?
Do I just not know anything about goats? I think
goats are known to be horny. No, one pecker on
a goat wouldn't be sufficient. I'm just thinking
horny goat weed. Oh, yeah. One pecker on a goat
would be fine. Right back to gas station drugs.
Nice. Yeah, there we go. I grew up only knowing
that goats get on your cars and they eat everything
because my dad is very prejudiced against goats.
And so we never had goats. We had a lot of animals
when I grew up, but we never had goats. Because
my dad would straight up say, we won't have goats
because they climb on the vehicles and they eat
all the things you don't want them to eat. They
eat that little buzzy. A goat will eat that LaBuzzy.
Yeah. A goat don't care between Bussy and Pussy.
They'll eat a Wednesday LaBuzzy. They don't give
a shit. Oh, Lord. Sean, last thoughts. I'm going
to tell your kids this is Top Gun. Fuck you.
Here's my secret shame. Laid bare. I've never
actually watched Top Gun. Me neither. Oh, yeah.
Hell yeah. OK, I'm going to watch the volleyball
scene. It is fun to watch. Yeah, I mean, I've
heard that. I'm sure it is. You get the Val Kilmer
Iceman scenes like, oh, I love me some Val Kilmer.
Gold, gold. In college, there was a chick that
I called Rook because she was new to the program
and she was calling me Gunner. That was pretty
cool. Nice. I liked having that nickname. Gunner.
Gunner and Rook. So that came about because she
was working at a movie theater and they only
had to so many things that they could play like
audio wise in the lobby. So she listened to the
Top Gun soundtrack a lot. OK, I think that's
it. Right. Eric, final thoughts. I don't have.
Yeah, actually, I think this movie was great.
Well, hold on. You just changed everything. What
made it go from fine to great? Two extra peckers.
So many peckers. They touch on women in the military.
And how they shouldn't be there, right? Yeah,
okay. Yeah, that's what Nick said about it. Cage,
not me. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'll use gun tone,
ladies. Don't worry, I'm on your side. Yeah,
there you go. Is this my fucking dad again? Yeah,
it is. It is. That's funny. He's inviting me
to a fishing trip this weekend, but I can't go.
But I haven't been able to talk to him in the
last 30 minutes. Fair enough. Hey, dad, if you're
listening to this in a week and a half. Yeah.
I can't make it. I can't come. Tomorrow. Sorry.
Has your dad listened to the podcast? Oh, man.
Dad, I can't come. No, I think they listened
to like one episode, but they were. fully unprepared
for the words that come out of my mouth yeah
my parents uh they struggled with that a little
bit like the words that come out of my mouth
no my mouth um certainly i mean yours too probably
but uh i'm largely the most offensive person
on this podcast i hold no bones against that
but my mom my greatest discovery was that my
mom has like a really filthy mouth but was always
reined in by my dad throughout the years so like
every once in a while i've had these like phone
conversations with her where she's just like
your dad's not here fuck that shit and i'm like
yes get it mom do it i identify with that so
much yeah holy shit but anyway she was a little
surprised by some of the shit that we say maybe
a little too much dick and cum talk but too much
three pecker goat what's a goat boner look like
we didn't talk about piss at all this time hey
it's not too late all right it is too late thank
you all for listening and thank you to our sparkle
buddies josh josie matt adam bill and stewart
and to our cage dancers ira john freeman nathan
and cameron and to bill panks for our uh theme
music and thank you all for being a part of our
dumb assery that includes you sean and you nick
and you eric and me yep i'm glad to be finally
included in this yeah right it's only taken three
years Bye -bye. Thank you. Bye -bye. I see so
many adults wearing dare shirts down here. Oh,
I used to have a sick dare shirt from when I
was in dare. Nice. And it still fit me because
I was a... A broad -shouldered child. Yeah, I
was a giant child. Look at me. Obviously, I was
a giant as a child, too. How old were you until
you grew out of your head? Never. I'm still growing
into it. One of these days. Yeah, I think I've
still got three inches in shoulder width to go
before it matches my head size.