Oh god. Oh my god. Okay, alright, everything's
totally cool. Yeah, you feel better now. Seems
like you're okay. cheers sir oh god god in heaven
that's the problem like you have to keep drinking
it all the way through it's pretty awful because
i can't take this back in my car with me why
is that ooze colored i mean so you know it's
it's berry and cherry yeah this is the honestly
one of the worst things i've ever put in my mouth
it's pretty bad i mean for somebody who described
their like flavor palette as i like mountain
dew and would like to get drunk this actually
that was pretty on point that was myself as a
teenager i mean come on i i didn't know things
are you saying you're too good for uh boozy mountain
dew buzz balls berry cherry limeade no i it's
not that i'm gonna give any i couldn't think
of a name of a drink that combines how to do
and like liquor I think it's just Mountain Dew
and vodka. I thought it was whiskey. I don't
know. I don't really know. I'm not sure. It all
sounds bad. You never drank soda? No, I did growing
up, but I don't know. I mean, that's the thing.
I was a teenager and the idea was I like drinking
Mountain Dew because I was a computer idiot.
And, you know. I'm very on record as being a
surge guy myself. Yeah. Those commercials spoke
to me. In fact, one of the first college gatherings
I ever went to, um, I, I remember we had pizza
and beer and then I'm all like, Oh, this is awesome.
And then I went for the pizza and I'm like, why
would you ruin this with beer? I just want some
mountain too. Oh dear. I mean, it's been all
downhill since then. Then you like recycle those
bottles, get that money back. Oh yeah. Gotta
be in the right state for that. But yeah. Does
Washington not do that? No, no, no. We just do
the moral version. They shame you if you don't
recycle. It's true. Yeah. Well, we also don't
have to pay a deposit on the cans and bottles.
There's that too. But we do have to pay sales
tax. Yeah. We're not having to pay a guilt fee.
We just recycle because we can't. No, I mean,
there is. I mean, there's the sugar tax. Sugar
tax. Well, that's sugar tax. That's a fat tax.
That's because our fucking kids are all fat asses
up here. Or, well, really, our state has chosen
to do something about it. By taxing the poor.
Yeah, basically. Yeah, they shouldn't be drinking
so much fucking sugary drinks. Yeah, they should
be drinking beer instead. Rich people pay the
tax, too, but they can afford liposuction and
Ozempic. Oh, dear. God fucking damn. Yeah, well,
you just have to drink another half of that ball.
This ball is mostly you because I drove and I'm
responsible. Well, responsible driving. No. Oh,
yes. Right. This movie starts off fucking strong.
It certainly starts off. I'll give it that much.
Well, before we get to that, welcome back to
Cage Magical and around about way meeting Nicholas
Cage. We were never going to get to a good segue,
so I'm just doing it so we can get this over
with. I'm your host. Oh, we had a good segue.
Peter did it. It wasn't a segue. He just started
talking about the movie. We were talking about
bad driving and safe driving, and then the movie
is part of that. That's the segue. Yeah, it starts
off with driving. You're just talking about nothing
now, as far as people are concerned. For now.
May I say, it doesn't quite start off with driving.
Shut up! And my co -host. Oh. Nix. Oh, jeez.
And a producer. We're Nix. Peter, hello. Why
is this happening? This is where you say your
name. Oh, my name is Hornback. Yeah, welcome
back, Hornback. We're glad that you were on this
one because it is a real, real banger of a movie.
Yeah, that's one way of putting it. I love bad
movies, but this I was actually mad at having
to have had watched this one. This is brought
to you by the mind that gave us. detroit rock
city is that all right yeah and he was the executive
producer on willie's wonderland yep and the chase
with charlie sheen oh yeah that's right oh he
helped produce willie's wonderland so he's like
one for three yeah cool you guys actually did
research on this piece of crap I looked at IMDb
for like 20 seconds because I was bored watching
it. I was curious about it because like a movie
like this is weird because clearly he's tied
into the scene because it is filled with cameos,
right? I mean, like there aren't that many actors
in this movie total and most of them are celebrities
for like a few minutes at a time. Like that's
impressive. Do you think that's him being tied
in or is that like the producer that egged him
into or like encouraged him to? write a uh it's
it's a good question i mean he must be tied in
somehow it's still just too random that you would
get that he was only 19 right he made what yeah
oh yeah he was 19 years old and he was asked
like approached by this producer he's like hey
do you uh do you have a script for a teen comedy
and he's like sure i sure bet i do and then he
went home and wrote this over a weekend sounds
right this is like a 48 hour Okay. Crank out.
For those of you listening, this week we're discussing
the movie Never on Tuesday by director Adam Rifkin.
Yeah. I'd recommend it on Never on any day. I
think I'm the only one who actually enjoyed this
because it's a big piece of shit, but it's pretty
fun. No, I mean, I shockingly enjoyed this film.
But before we get to that, Nick, I don't care
which one, what happens in this film? Okay, so...
uh it's it's a movie starring two morons and
um they are who are those morons uh matt and
eddie i i believe are their names correct i mean
what are the actors names i don't know i i don't
care andy lauer plays matt and peterberg plays
eddie not that it matters they are yeah i don't
know who these people are um okay so it kind
of opens with um something that i've in in my
late teenage years found myself thinking which
is like i'm not getting laid therefore it's not
me that's the problem it's where i am and so
they're like well we should just go to where
the hot chicks are so they're watching this um
homemade creep shot thing on a beach somewhere
in california and then they get it in their head
that oh we're not losers we're just in the wrong
place so we got to go to la where there are many
hot chicks and we'll have all of them all of
the time so much tail so much tail i like how
your solution to that was to go to seattle i
mean yours was to go to portland I thought going
to the big city would help. I didn't go to Portland
because I didn't come to Portland for chicks.
I came to Portland to get away from you guys.
There you go. So anyways, they're like, let's
go to L .A. because we don't have jobs or something.
And then they start driving out that way. Home
dude is like totally obsessed with his hair.
And then it's just two bros jerking each other
off in a car. Yeah, basically. And then. uh they
they start like getting all distracted uh driving
yeah you do driving all over the road crash into
some like poor uh lady who we find out is the
um uh the titular tuesday yeah titular tuesday
which by the way may i just say tuesday is not
the name of a person it's not a person's name
no it's not a person's name why i am so mad that
they would do this like wednesday okay we've
got wednesday that's fine i accept that gal friday
that's a name i've heard sure They only did this
so they could say never on Tuesday is the title.
But like, it's not the name of a freaking person.
And this is definitely a thing where they had
like someone had copyrighted a title name and
they needed a movie to go with it. It definitely
smacks of that. It's a weird choice just in general.
Yeah. So anyway, they hit this poor lady. They
think they killed her, but it turns out they
don't. I mean. They meet up as they're trying
to do insurance stuff and they find out she is
a lesbian. But she's a really hot lesbian. So,
you know, we don't even have to go all the way
to L .A. We've got like this hot chick right
here. So therefore, you know, we should just
put the moves on and we'll definitely get ultra
laid. Right. Because she just hasn't had that
good dick. Yeah. Yeah. And obviously these guys
are the ones to do it. No one else but but them.
So. But Eddie's got great hair. So their cars
are both pretty fucked in this accident that
they totally caused by being morons. So they're
stranded in the middle of the desert. They make
absolutely zero effort to, you know, survive.
And weird encounters happen. They're really weird
encounters. The entirety of this movie. Yeah.
Yeah. So. But, you know, eventually they realize
they're not going to turn her straight. And also
she befriends them and they bad things almost
happen to everyone. It really seems like. But
eventually they get on a tow truck and. That's
the end of the movie. Literally nothing happens
in this total piece of crap. If they were the
nineties, early nineties, and I just like was
flipping channels and I caught this movie somewhere
in the middle, I would have assumed like the
channels that like had soft core porn that occasionally
like for two days became available, like Cinemax
or something. I would have assumed that's what
this was and would have watched the entire thing
for like. The hope of some nipple. Yeah, which
there was. Yes. We're keyed in. We know what's
up. My initial reaction, my initial text to Peter
when I started this film was like, oh, joy, a
sex pest film quickly followed by. I'm not not
unconvinced. I'm watching a porn. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, God, there's so many freaking stupid
scenes in this, but I just. absolutely love how
clueless these guys are and um overall it honestly
hit a little close to home these these guys remind
me of kind of myself and a college buddy i had
trying to figure out how to get laid and um i'm
assuming you identify as uh eddie and that's
correct uh Good hair. Like boning all the time.
You know, very even keeled and not worried about
anything ever. Oh, yes. Definitely chill. Yeah.
Not the clearly on the spectrum. man uh he was
a delight though his fantasies by the way were
the absolute best oh yeah his fantasies were
the best part of this film i love that he is
always being carried by her she carries him oh
yeah throws him on the bed as someone who exclusively
loves like tall women yeah i get it His second
fantasy was my favorite. Is that the dinner party?
Yes. My God. Where he just like picks up the
turkey and like starts tearing into it and spitting
on everybody that's there. Okay. Honestly, everything
about this scene was totally amazing. He starts
like insulting everyone and they're not hot chicks.
And they're like totally down to be like, yeah,
you know, I guess we're ugly. We're in earshot,
but you know. And Eddie, you've got the ugliest
wife of all. And to be fair, she is a pretty
ugly lady and this but then matt is all like
not like my tuesday and then and then this tuesday
lady's all like yeah so we're gonna fuck on this
turkey carcass and then and then like in the
midst of their passion this like candle starts
going flying they're literally burning down their
house in this fantasy that's how hot it was Yeah,
I mean, definitely. There's also a joke about
stuffing here. Okay. God damn it. Gross. I had
to be normal all day. I was at like a proper
work function. Yeah, let it out. Well, I'm never
going to want to go to Thanksgiving again, so
thank you. Yeah, Matt's fantasies were definitely
the better ones. Then there's the one where he's
like on a bed in the middle of the desert. She's
riding him and there's just like a bunch of...
yeah ballerina dancing around like full like
an actual like topless scene and everything for
tuesday and just children dancing around them
while they hump yeah yeah incredible that would
that was caused by his heat stroke i'm pretty
sure but yeah hot strokes out of that yeah and
and meanwhile all this is well all of this is
happening it's the hot desert sun um they have
exactly one Looks like half gallon of water or
something. It's the water from her windshield
wiper. And they're all like, oh, I'm not going
to drink that. They're like 75 miles away from
like the nearest town. Yeah. And just kind of
decide that they're going to wait for a passerby
to like help them. Only to like meet the craziest
people. And what a passerby you get to start.
Yeah. I rewatched this scene just to like really
see how long it was. And honestly, if they would
have just been like, yeah, we need a ride. They
would have been fine. Yeah, totally. Yeah. But
that would have canceled their potential to bone.
Yeah. But Eddie like sent Nick. This is Nick
Cage's cameo. Eddie sends him away because he's
going to bone down. Well, also, he's a. extremely
crazy person yeah he's very creepy is everybody
okay do you need a lift i've heard like i've
heard that voice so much that didn't get me it
was the fucking nose oh yeah why why why was
he wearing this thing i don't know i mean so
dear dear listeners he's wearing like the biggest
craziest prosthetic nose it's like It's an airplane
wing. It's an airplane wing hanging off of his
face. He looks insane. It's like a cirrus to
bourgeois situation. Yeah, it is. It is definitely.
Well pronounced. Nailed it. Nailed it. I went
to college. Yeah, you found every letter in that
one. I mean, his performance is hilarious to
me. It makes no fucking sense. I have no idea
why he did this movie. I don't know why anybody
did this movie. Aside from Matt Nettie, like
clearly. They got to touch a boob. From my mild
Google, Carrie Oles or someone related to Carrie
Oles was a producer on this. Yeah, it's his brother
or something like that. Yeah, he was also on
the crew. Yeah. So when I was watching this,
it was early in the morning before work one day.
And, you know, I got it on and my partner wakes
up and is like. are you watching Babylon five
or something? And I'm like, which is a very reasonable
thing for you to have been watching. Yeah, exactly.
And now she, she ain't know anything about, she
didn't even like watch what was to see what was
on the TV. She just asked from the other room.
Well, this was crazy to me. I had no idea about
any of this. So first of all, I've never seen
Babylon five. I need to, to, to be, you know,
kind of a proper nerd. And I watched a fair bit
of it. Apparently, Claudia, what's her face was
was a major character on there. Oh, really? Claudia
Christian. Yeah. Yeah. And so she knows all kinds
of weird trivia, things like that. Immediately
recognize this actress. And I'm all like, no,
this is definitely not that. Not a chance. She's
been anything other than this. So I'm really
surprised about that. But also Babylon 5 is now
ruined for me because all I'm going to think
about is like. Some lady named Tuesday, which
also somehow in this day and a half that they're
stranded, she has like four different outfits
that she changed. Oh, yeah. Which is she has
three costumes on day one. What's going on here?
Also, who drives like a 70s Volkswagen Beetle
in high heels? Yeah, that just seems I don't
know anything about cross country. Cross country.
I got to feel like you can't really do. The pedals.
I do know something about heels. And yeah, I
wouldn't do it. Seems really dumb. Yeah, it's
not driving shoes for sure. Now, when you're
going across the desert, you wear comfortable
shit. But she's not here to be a character. She's
here to be the the sexy, lustful thing. They're
all caricatures. Yeah. Yeah. this sort of the
male gaze thing but i mean they don't know she
was a female gay that's the female gaze she was
for the female gaze her acting was pretty flat
though yeah yeah she was terrible yeah in that
regard i so when i started this movie i started
this on sunday in the afternoon assuming i wouldn't
have time to watch it because i before uh we
recorded because work and stuff and then i'm
20 minutes in assuming this is going to be a
horrid sex pest movie assuming that you know
They're going to fix her. And I'm like, I don't
I don't want to watch this. And then when I came
back to finish and said, I'm like, oh, God, let's
get into it. And then you realize like, oh, no,
these boys are going to learn a lesson. And like
the lesson is that they want to make out with
each other and jerk each other off. It's OK.
Yeah, there really are two buds. Isn't like a
positive conclusion to this, except for some
reason she's got weird Stockholm syndrome. yeah
about these two guys about them like she goes
she's very swingy with the i'm a lesbian like
why are you guys like trying to do this to be
like oh let's just be best friends to like back
and forth i don't know i mean that's just bad
writing i'm my point b was that from when this
movie came out and what i assumed the genre would
entail i was actually quite happy to see like
oh no she's they kept her a lesbian there's no
ambiguity there by the end. And they learn a
lesson about like between women with respect,
not something I expect from an eighties film.
I'll be honest. Most eighties comedies. I expect
some form of rape. Yeah. And there was none of
that. Yeah. It's a, it's a really weird movie.
I mean, unsurprisingly hard to find a copy of
it. It was a direct to VHS. Never came out on
DVD. Yeah, the company that was going to put
it on DVD folded beforehand, unfortunately. Really?
If only we could have gotten this one for your
collection. Yeah, no. I'll have to just settle
for a poster, I guess. Yeah, we got to find you
a VHS. And a VHS player. It can sit on my shelf
next to my VHS copy of City of Angels. Oh, that's
because I thought it was Zandily. No, God, I
wish I had a VHS of Zandily. I have a DVD of
Zandily. French import. Oh, that's what it was.
Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, by the way, you made it sound
like they, you know, learn a lesson toward the
end. I don't think they did. Yeah, I don't think
anybody grows. They were fantasizing about her
to the end. They were even like both of them
were like, hey, I know you're still a lesbian,
but I find you hot at the end. Like that was
their last conversations with her before she
leaves. And she still sheds a tear and looks.
I mean, she was hot. Well, yeah, but that's still
coming on to somebody like your last interaction
with somebody is like, I'm gonna give it one
more pass. Nice boobs. I don't know. I'm just
saying like, hey, you want to kiss me in front
of these fucking tow truck drivers? They did
not instigate that. She did that to make the
tow truck to make them look bigger than they
were for the other men. But why? Yeah. Yeah.
To boost their egos, because dude was like talking
about all his sexual conquests. She's never going
to see them again. She wants to make them feel
good because she actually wound up liking the
idiots. Well, then she should have just boned
them. Or at least a pity handjob. Yeah, I kind
of agree. Pity handski. Also, I honestly thought
this movie was going to end very badly because
like one of the last things that happened and
there's like no payoff to this whatsoever. It's
like the tow truck driver taking her is all like,
I'm not even a real tow truck driver. Yeah. Oh,
you mean Emilio Estevez? Emilio! I'm just filling
in for my friend. Yeah. And I'm like, I honestly
thought that was going to be a plot point, but
no credits. Yeah. What do you guys think of the
music in this movie? So I rewatched it today
after work and I was struck by the fact that
there is no music leading into the film. Oh,
yeah. You get like a couple seconds of like kind
of a like background noise sort of thing with
like just like as they're loading up the eight
millimeter film of Beach Party 83 that they were
watching. And then it's just voiceover of them
talking about like California girls. And you
don't get any music until like it's as a movie.
Yeah, I'm a girl watcher. I'm a girl watcher.
I forgot about that. Yeah, it was very subtle.
Again, why I thought this movie was going to
be much worse than it actually was. Yeah, I mean,
it's not good. Let's also remind everybody it's
not a good movie. Yeah, 100 percent. You do not
need to see this movie ever. I saw I think it
was on IMDb or Wikipedia or something, but I
thought it was interesting. They had such a low
budget. They had to shoot it all on like film
stock extras. Oh, yeah. Just the end is shorts
or whatever. Yeah. So like they had to cram scenes
as much as they could because they were going
to run out of fucking film. Yeah. Which, you
know, good on them. Like, keep it tight. A lot
of cool indie films get shot that way. Sometimes
if you if you've got something that needs to
be out in the world, you do what you got to do.
And sometimes. I mean, if you're going to make
this movie. You do what you got to do. Yeah.
It did give us 30 seconds, 27 seconds of Nicolas
Cage. Yeah. And that voice really it did work
for me. Yeah. Now it's a weird pervy expression
as Eddie's like, no, no, we're OK. And he's like.
yeah looking down over his nose it's great physical
comedy for our audio oh yeah no this is the one
that we're gonna actually make a video version
of yeah i repurposed the toilet cam just for
this one baby here we go what what did we think
of uh What do we think of the rest of the cameos?
Yeah. So the next one up is a lucky. Yeah. Lucky
Larry. Lucky Larry Lupin. Yeah. Yeah. So. Which
I just felt like such a rip off from Gremlins,
but it's fine. I mean, it's over fast enough,
which is more than I can say for. charlie charlie
sheens was just kind of dragged that one does
drag on a little too long but uh gilbert godfrey
is gilbert godfrey i mean you get what you get
so also charlie sheen at his most like just puffy
faced drug addled oh yeah no he was definitely
upset that he hadn't done coke that day like
he was like i've been doing coke for 18 days
straight i'm full of tiger blood and here we
are i like i think what what's the text i said
you guys like does anyone else get the feeling
that charlie sheen just stumbled onto this set
and they left the cameras rolling yeah i do have
to say though um i think that the across the
eye face scar is the most badass scar that you
can get yeah where do you how do you and he had
like the glassy milky eye from like oh yeah thing
Then he says a bunch of terrible things. Really
horrible shit. I mean, it was the late 80s, but
yeah, it was it's rough. I did. OK, so the part
of that, even though that scene does drag on
a long time when they're just like listing different
things in the car. Yeah, the records are Iron
Butterfly in the car. the one from the tv in
the car yeah they didn't have to go through everything
he wasn't looking so yeah charlie sheen is like
charlie sheen drives by and like immediately
just pulls a knife takes the nerdy one hostage
and like just starts demandingly like put all
their good stuff in his car including the the
for -purpose brush that they bought from lucky
larry lupin earlier yeah and matt's menorah whatever
in the car oh god okay and then after that it's
judd nelson as the cop with the like hitler stash
that was my i think that was my favorite of the
cameos nicholas cage aside yeah like he was great
he was insane like as far as cops go like he's
such a weird character he's all sweating he's
like pitting out in his uniform and he's like
clearly wearing a fake mustache and like making
sure it's on right it's it's a very weird and
unhinged kind of uh performance there i i like
that one i think the most i think he has my favorite
quote from this movie and i'm probably not going
to do it total justice but he he's about to leave
and then he pulls his gun out you'll freeze loser
and he points it at matt and they're all like
hands up and then he's like Just kidding. And
he goes, I love my job. He rides off like kicking
his legs out on the side on his fucking chips
motorcycle. That does sound like a very good
job. Fucking with random people who are stranded.
Oh, yeah. Being a cop and having total immunity
for all the shit you do. Absolutely. I'm sure.
Great. Literally a license to murder. My God.
Doing favorite quotes like there's one I just
can't ignore that just really I absolutely loved.
And that's about two thirds of the way through
the movie when Matt finally realizes that, you
know, they're actually in real trouble, which
took way too long. He starts freaking out and
then he says, I'm no dingling, not me. God damn
it, you took my quote. i'm like first of all
you are a ding -a -ling i mean can we agree that
like of the main characters matt is the best
one oh yeah so my quote like we're just getting
into it now is there like eddie is blaming matt
for everything and he's like oh good i guess
lou gehrig's disease is my fault also it's like
way to just pull out lou gehrig's disease It's
a good one. You're not really going to offend
anyone. Well, since Hornback stole mine. Yeah.
Because I do love, I do love, my other one is
just when, I think it's right after that, Matt's
just there playing with like this, like really
old Batman toy. And he's like, no Batman! i love
when like the action figure falls off the door
and he's like oh no batman the riddler is gonna
get away but he's just like silently in the background
doing this like he's not the focus he steals
the focus but well i mean you think about like
having to shoot on these film shorts and everything
and they like chose that that was yeah that's
worth going in that's great i mean there's a
lot of things they don't do like seek shade or
like you know they do they do throw a football
yeah conserving energy the first thing the first
thing they do is play foot is like play a game
you know catch yeah No, the first thing that
happens is the picnic. She has a costume change
and then they play football. Oh, yeah. And the
picnic. What does he what does Matt say about
the Kiwi? He looks he's like it looks like a
hairy turd. That was a hairy ball or something.
No, I think he said it was like looks like a
turd with hair. He had never seen a Kiwi. Yeah.
Well, Ohio, right? All right. Get ready for California,
boys. They're screwed when they get there. Yeah,
with all that pussy. Yeah. A different lady every
night. Good one, Johnny. I just I love their
logic. There are no ladies in Ohio. Right. All
of the ladies are in L .A. Well, California's
got so many good looking babes. They're spilling
out into all the surrounding states. Eddie taught
me that. The surrounding states being like. Nevada.
Yeah. And Oregon. It kind of seems like you guys
liked this film. It was really atrocious. So
like normally when I'm when I'm watching a movie,
especially if I'm going to talk about it or whatever,
try to watch it twice or maybe even three times.
So I made it through all the way once. And then
I just started fast -forwarding through the scenes
the second time I watched it, trying to see,
did I miss anything? Was there anything even
remotely subtle? Nope. It was... Oh, like a true
story to tell? No, no. No, I mean, like, okay,
like, did I miss something? Right, was there
some, like... some cinematic gold happening somewhere
on it no okay so like i did rewatch a second
time just like in a quick speed run and there
was something that did like there were a couple
times where i like laughed again and there was
one in the the ugly wife scene where eddie's
ugly wife kisses him and then his hand does this
like spasm thing oh my god yeah yes all right
that's that's it was it was pretty good and i
hadn't noticed it the first time it was like
oh man that's that's funny like it's a funny
little touch it's not good acting it's not good
anything but it's something i didn't catch the
first time so yeah no i i definitely god i hate
that we all kind of watch this twice i watched
it a full like at normal speed twice all the
way through today and it loses a lot once you've
heard the jokes once like the jokes don't get
a second laugh like that's the problem with it
it's like you watch it the first time and you're
like oh i'm gonna laugh at this because i can't
believe i'm watching this then you watch it again
I guess I kind of agree. Like, I really didn't
get anything out of it after a second watch.
Other than, like, it did hit a little close to
home because, like, I swear to God, I was not
unlike these guys early college thinking that
my only problem was where I was living. Kent?
Bellingham, actually. Oh, yeah. Which was...
Probably had better chances in Bellingham. Yeah,
no, definitely. All I had to do was not be an
idiot. Did you ever consider a love walk? No,
because I didn't value the outdoors back then.
I was deep in the throes of World of Warcraft.
Oh, yeah. Did you consider an ugly wife? Yes,
I did. Because I thought, you know, if you shoot,
if you go low, then your chances are good. When
did you start valuing the outdoors? That's a
good point. I think it was a mushroom trip I
did. Hey, OK. Yeah. All right. I respect that.
Top five mushroom trips. First time, definitely
number one, you know, college friends that were
a little bit better, I suppose. And I guess the
second time. I took a proper dose and I knew
what I was in for. So I just had this brief moment
where I knew everything. Of course, I didn't
know anything, but I thought I did. And that
was really kind of awesome. What about the butthole
massage chair? Oh, yeah. Oh, God, I could not.
I miss that. Yeah, I have some weird ticklish
thing where like I cannot. On your butthole?
I can't do like a lot of normal massage stuff.
Like it actually like. makes me very very uncomfortable
yeah so everyone else is like enjoying this like
amazing massage share nobody loved it as much
as josh though yeah let's be real josh was gonna
marry that thing oh yeah if that was an option
i mean okay wait worst mushroom trip uh that
would probably if i may um the time i did acid
uh i suppose well it's not mushrooms unless you
did them both That would be bad. Come on, similar
note. Okay, it was a very good experience, except
I was rolling around with a friend of mine. Okay.
Just two buds jerking each other off. Looking
for lesbos. Go ahead. I mean, we were both on
acid and he was driving, so it was... It sounds
like the start of this fucking movie. Yeah, it
was a very unsafe thing. yeah i was the driver
on an acid trip too i understand my god really
well i took us up to the mountain and i got hot
like it kicked in maybe only in like the last
10 minutes of the drive and then we just started
hiking in the woods that's if you hit any traffic
at all i mean It's it's all like what the mountain
traffic in the middle of Montana. I don't know.
Maybe everyone's going in the mountains. I you
don't know what one acid. It's fine. Yeah, do.
That wasn't a concern at that point. The first
time I ever did mushrooms, I was in college and
my buddy like we were super worried about it.
And he he packed them in like special candy wrappers
so he could like fly it on the plane and everything.
It was absolutely insane. So we took it. We had
no idea what to expect. And then we were just
like sitting around. waiting for the come up
and we were watching cartoon network and there's
an episode of dexter's laboratory where he gets
like set backwards and is walking and talking
in reverse and it was a very very weird way to
start coming up because we were just like are
we fucked up or is this like the show and later
i watched it i was like this is the trippiest
fucking episode but yeah that's it was amazing
pretty weird i got to experience the barbie movie
on mushrooms and that was Awesome. That would
be a pretty decent one. Yeah, that's just kind
of out there enough. Yeah, I wouldn't want to
do Barbenheimer on mushrooms. No, that one takes
a turn. Second half of this trip sucked. Probably
the second time I did mushrooms, my friend was
like, we should watch The Wire. What? Yeah, let's
watch. getting somebody beat up a minority that's
a great way to get high yeah oh man your friend
kicks ass they know a good time i wasn't going
to mention this because i'm like i reread this
and it wasn't that good i was looking at reviews
for this movie on imdb and there's one that stood
out to me um for a couple reasons one it was
the review was given on my birthday two it was
by white mark with a second K and a seven. He
gave it three out of 10. I won't read the whole
thing, but he's like, I came across the movie
scene that Nicolas Cage made a cameo. I decided
to watch it since it was on Netflix. This movie
is one of the most boring movies I've ever watched.
The characters are goofy, unrealistic, blah,
blah, blah. So keep away from this movie unless
you want to come for the cameo appearances. Nicolas
Cage and Charlie Sheen. generously give it two
out of ten because of the cameos he gave it three
stars huh good job white mark seven yeah mark
seven wait uh so white mark seven reviewed it
on your birthday your birthday this year or of
what year no no like 12 years ago oh okay When
did this movie get made, by the way? I mean,
88, but it's one of the it was a direct to VHS
sort of situation. So we actually did things
a little out of chronological order accidentally.
So we should have done this one last episode,
but whatever. We talked Italians in a different
bad movie. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I don't
think there's much else to say about the movie
itself. Cage grid. Phenomenal performance by
Nicolas Cage. Terrible film. Top 10. Yeah. I
put this as I like this movie. I think it is
so goddamn stupid, but I enjoyed myself. So I'm
with Peter on this one. I enjoyed this film.
I enjoyed Nicolas Cage. I enjoyed all the cameos.
They're all. And that's kind of Rifkin's thing,
isn't it? He just like he likes having weird
celebrity cameos like. Yeah, I mean, he must
be connected. He's he's got buddies. So, yeah,
I think of the chase. And for whatever reason,
Anthony Kiedis and Fleer in that movie. Right.
I think that if I saw this movie when I was 17,
my early 20s would have gone a lot better. Because
you would have known what to do and not to do.
I some self -reflection, you know, kind of kind
of realizing that women are people, you know,
there's ladies everywhere. And maybe the location
isn't the problem. You know, it's. You're with
a problem. Are you sure you would be able to
see the forest for the trees? We can help you
with this, Nick. You're the problem. I know.
I know. I'm telling you. Ugly wife. That's the
trick. I... Yeah. There's an old song that's
about that. It's like, if you want to be happy
for the rest of your life, you've got to make
a pretty woman your wife. But from my personal
point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.
Because ugly girls don't cheat on you. Oh, okay.
I can't remember who sang that song. Sounds like
it would be a Randy Newman. It is not a Randy
Newman, but it does seem like it should be. Someone
get out Shazam. Peter, do it again and see if
it... There's no chance I will ever sing a song
that Shazam will think is the song. I guarantee
you. I want to know what Shazam thinks it is.
That's the game. So that's Never on a Tuesday.
I really just wish that I watched something else,
to be honest with you. Well, you didn't. You
watched this. Thank you. But we're glad to have
you on. Well, yeah, it's sort of good to be here.
Like, oh, let me top you off. Yeah, you need
a little more buzzball. Oh, dear God. We're going
to get into a second recording. Yeah, we actually
weren't recording yet. This is the warm up. We
do this with everybody nowadays. You got to crack
one buzzball. do the real recording can i oh
yeah please let me tell you what i really think
these are laced with mushrooms too so yeah watching
watching you guys do this to yourselves i'm so
glad i'm not there what are we watching next
peter uh next i think is amos and andrew or firebirds
i don't remember um off the top of my head we're
watching uh firebirds with nicholas cage and
tommy lee jones next oh that's right i forgot
about that Oh, and Sean Young. Can I ask you
guys a question? I prefer Sean Old. I would like
to know what makes the cut as far as a movie
featuring Nicolas Cage, because this one had
27 seconds. So I'm trying to figure out. He had
a little bit more in Fast Times. Arguably, he
had more lines in this than he did in Fast Times.
Fast Times. We had two lines and a laugh here.
Yeah. So. And a lot of very good facial acting.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. We're just kind
of going through the catalog now. It's like we're
having fun. We're just doing it. Don't don't
ruin our fun, Nick. There's probably a couple
of them that we won't do that just seem unfun.
But this one was fun. I, you know, as much as
I honestly hated this, this complete and utter
piece of crap. It was fun. And I was able to
burn through it in a morning before work meetings.
And I'm really surprised because I honestly thought
there was going to be something I got out of
it, but it was just the ride itself. And it could
have gone in so many different directions. It
could have turned into some kind of horror survival
thing. Like it actually could have started off
as like a dumb, you know, stupid movie. And then
like once they are properly fucked, you know,
it could have been like an actual thing, but
it wasn't. So I was honestly kind of waiting
for it to to turn serious. And but it was it
was lighthearted the entire time. From my end
of things, the takeaways are. Never go anywhere
outside of cell reception. And why drive when
you can fly? Never on Tuesday. Yeah. And also,
yeah, just don't do things on Tuesday or meet
ladies same Tuesday. So wait, never drive anywhere
outside of cell reception like 1988. Yeah, don't
drive to 1988. It's not going to work for me.
Pretty good advice. Oh, I don't I don't know
what people did back then, but they died in the
desert. Yeah. It would have been cool if it took
a Beavis and Butthead do America turn. I would
have liked a nice acid or mushroom trip music
video. Yeah, that would have eaten up at least
five minutes. They could have found some. You
could have replaced Charlie Sheen's most of his
scene and had that instead. Yeah, you could have
had Charlie Sheen just dosing them and have animated
Charlie Sheen. Yeah, because obviously it would
have to go animated at this point in the car.
In the car. They don't have budget for animation.
This movie was written over a weekend. Which
is actually pretty impressive. Yeah, I mean,
to write 90 pages in a weekend, sure. How do
you know it's 90 pages? On screen. 90 minutes,
90 pages. Usually a page per minute. Yeah. I
could do it. I could do way more pages. Okay,
this weekend, write me a film. Oh, yeah, write
a Sex Pest 80s movie. Yeah. Doesn't have to be
sex fest. Write me a teen comedy. Yeah. Yeah.
I'll do that. 90 pages. You can do it. It's fine.
I'll just. Yeah. OK. Reach into that deep pocket
of yours. Double space. Yeah. OK. Change all
the margins just a little bit. Oh, yeah. No,
a film isn't like single spaced or anything.
There's plenty of space on the page. Oh, yeah.
So I'm going to let the actors breathe. Yeah.
It's room for notes. Because executive producers,
Peter, you're an executive producer now. Oh,
nice. Yeah. I mean, I have invested money into
this, so I probably am. You do have the good
chair. This is the worst chair. I give my guests
the better chairs. Because I'm a good producer.
I will suffer for my art. I'm not allowed to
have chairs that make noise. That's true. Because
I move too much. Okay. Yeah. So thank you all
for listening. Thank you for being here, Nick.
Thank you. You're welcome. Glad to be here. And
also to Hornback. Yeah. It was sort of a good
time. I definitely didn't have anything better
to do. But you did get a biggie out of it. You
did get a biggie. Drink your biggie. I'm trying.
This is honestly terrible. It's pretty bad. This
is worse than the chocolate one for sure. I seriously
don't want to do this. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Well,
we can't put it back in the bottle. It's got
one of those weird stoppers. It doesn't go both
ways. It's so freaking bad. What is wrong with
you people? Sparkle Buddies just weren't doing
it. Speaking of Sparkle Buddies, thank you to
our Sparkle Buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam,
Bill, and Stuart. And to our cage dancers, Ira,
John, Freeman, Nathan, and Cameron. And to Bill
Panks for making our intro music. And to me for
making all the poster art. Thanks, executive
producer. You're welcome. i feel much better
now go watch never on tuesday it's great it actually
isn't that bad it's great it's not that great
though like come on now i can't i enjoyed it
and i can't recommend it no i wouldn't i would
never actually recommend anyone watch this don't
do it but you can find it on youtube if you do
want to watch it all right bye everybody okay
bye goodbye forever I was working at like an
office depot and I got like a 10 % discount on
stuff and I didn't want any office supplies,
but they did sell Mountain Dew. So you got like
10 cents off every 20 ounce bottle you bought?
I mean, when you're getting paid $7 an hour,
that's kind of a good deal. That's true. If you
buy enough Mountain Dew, you save a dollar and
that's worth it. It took an hour of your life
to save that dollar. But it's the classic thing
that my dad would do driving around town to get
the one cent cheaper gas. It's like that. Clearly,
your time is not worth money. Now, one time,
my buddy Joey. So we had always had we called
it Christmas and we would get like this is unnecessary.
We'd get like 20 people together and we'd. all
do mushrooms and then we'd have a couple people
that would drive us around to look at christmas
lights because like our university yeah oh it's
fantastic our university had like a giant like
i don't know 150 foot like sequoia tree on campus
and they would decorate it so we'd go down there
and like everybody would just stare at it like
a bunch of fucking nerds and creeps and like
joey would drive us around he'd turn off the
lights on his car and we'd be like oh my god
we're we're fucking moving those powers but uh
one day he he takes us all into his garage and
we're like all fucking shrooming and he turns
out the lights and When nobody was in there,
he had broken like eight or so glow sticks and
sprayed them on all the walls, the furniture.
And so like, we're just fucking out there. And
then all of a sudden, it's just like a galaxy
of color all around us. That was pretty solid.
Worst trip was a King Gizzard and the Lizard
Wizard concert. Oh, yeah, we've heard that one.
That opener was just so bad. They ruined my whole
trip.