Oh God. Oh my God. Hello and welcome back to
Cage Match, colon, a roundabout way of meeting
Nicolas Cage. I am your producer, Peter. Without
my... co -hosts Sean and Nick. This is part two
of our D &D -ish Nick Cage universe tabletop
RPG that we played. We are joined by our special
friends and guests, Alec Wilson and Daryl Edge,
who are playing some of the Nick Cages in this.
If you haven't listened to part one, I highly
recommend going back and starting there. This
is the conclusive half, and it's pretty stupid,
and I'm sure you can make it through if you didn't
know anything, but definitely go check it out.
If not, I'm going to give you a little quick
recap right now. We see a glittering city of
emerald. and four pulses of light leap out from
the topmost spire, flashing like lightning in
a near dark. Inside of those four beams, we see
the symbols of vampire teeth, legs pantyhose,
a fuzzy bunny, and a truffle. Oh, Christ, where
am I? Where am I? Oh, Christ. I'm not dead. I'm
a vampire. This big tuna fuck you sign, is it
pointing towards a structure of any kind? Yeah,
so Big Tuna, from what you can see in the distance,
looks like any off -the -highway kind of small
town. I'll start with the microwave. I'll kick
open the side door and try to throw the microwave
to deter this motorcyclist from hell. I'm going
to walk to the door and then just, covered in
blood, just look out that this bike is going
past. Are you a vampire? He says, if it weren't
for that weird dirty one, I wouldn't have said
nothing to you. But ain't supposed to be no cages
out here. What's a cage? You see a really nice
big ass car kind of roll slowly up to you. and
it's uh driven by one man and in the passenger
seat is another man with little tiny disgusting
teeth and a pencil mustache named bobby peru
and he turns and says how y 'all doing all right
so you all are in big tuna with bobby's peru
and uh they bring you to this table kind of in
the middle it's just open you can see people
around they're making hot pornos everywhere a
lot of big ladies you know it is what it is it's
texas style And out of a couple other motel rooms
comes six more Bobby Perus. And they all sit
at the table with the four of you. Now, hi, this
whole time, you've got a Bobby Peru basically
in your ear just talking about all the treasures
and successes that are in that vault. Everything
you could ever dream of. All you got to do is
this one score, son. Yeah, actually, Rob, the
post office is open. It's staffed by just one
person. I mean. is it a bobby peru it is not
a bobby peru it's just a schmuck from okay from
big tuna universe okay i've heard this before
what exactly is a cage well i don't know how
to describe it other than one of you uh you look
different a lot of the time sometimes skinnier
sometimes teeth different sometimes hair different
uh different accents a lot of boston a lot of
boston um but yeah i see a lot of you but not
for a long time. So you do find a letter. It's
this kind of gilded letter. And in this particular
one, it says, Mr. Furpo, you are welcomed back
to the Emerald City. You are expected here tomorrow.
And if you are not present, we will come find
you. Can I? Possible that I can somehow convince
them that we are to be trusted and that I can
be their leader. I'm going to have you roll for
that. It's about time. I will tell you, I rolled
four successes. You need to go fuck yourself,
other people. Roll hot, Daryl. You have convinced
the majority of the Bobbies Peru. uh there are
some that still are maybe not trustworthy in
this situation but in theory you have we'll say
five bobby's peru that are kind of like that's
our dude seems like a proper cage cage out moment
this could be a cage out moment if you wanted
to oh god i could you know what i'm gonna cage
out fuck yeah roll them dice roll them bones
all right Eight dice. I swear to God if they
all fail I'm killing myself. I'm going the way
of the pros here. Alright. Six of the eight are
successes. Fuck yes. And then with my own Peter
Lowe hand I end and just put like a gun symbol
of my hand into my mouth and say I think all
these Bobby Peru should Bobby do and die themselves.
Bang, bang. And it's a cascade of Bobby Peru
heads just pop, pop, pop, pop. And seven Bobby
Peru heads land in the dirt, all of them wearing
legs pantyhose. Spine still attached. Yeah, exactly.
So. You have escaped my Bobby Peru puzzle. Did
they leave a car behind? Oh yeah, there's the
nice big car that you guys rode in off the highway.
Yeah, we should definitely jump in that and start
heading for the Emerald City. Yeah. I'm already
in the trunk. I'll just be laying down in the
back. Dramatically closing the trunk on yourself.
All right, so let's get back to it. So you guys
are on the road to the Emerald City. You're on
this golden or this yellow highway. And what's
your approach? Are you just going fucking balls
to the wall straight to the front gate? Or what
do you want to do? Do you want to just jump this
bitch? Is there a ramp that'll take us over the
wall? No. If you all want to die, yeah, absolutely.
That's where the episode ends. We just explode.
Just crashing into the wall. It wasn't much of
a ramp. Just a slight hillock. Yeah, no. Front
door. This is where the answers are. Yeah. Presumably.
Unless I'm full of shit. You have lied to me
in the past. I've also been predominantly Bobby
Peru's so far. So fair enough. Yeah. But OK.
Yeah. So, yeah, you drive right up to the front
gate. Yeah. And what you see there is what I
can only describe as a monstrosity barring the
way it is. Let's see. It's as if a giant Ron
Perlman head was on a tiny waiter's body, but
also holding a broadsword. The Alpha Bobo. Exactly,
the Alpha Bobo. It's Bobos on Bobos all day long.
But holding a giant broadsword, sort of like
a Cloud Strife Buster Sword style fuck -you -up
broadsword, and wearing a Crusader helmet as
well. Looks like a very metal toad helmet. Yes.
I get all these references. It's almost like
you've watched Nick Cage movies. Almost exclusively.
So this Bobo homunculus just says halt. Stop.
Yeah. None shall pass. And it's sort of eating
pistachios. well sir but just gross like eating
the whole shell and everything too okay now we
got a meeting inside of this here wall with the
wizard would you kindly open up we got a message
The Bobo seems pretty confused. The Bobo also
does not seem particularly smart. All cages have
been removed. Well, now that's fine. Because
I'm not a cage. And I do not wish to be in a
cage. I just kind of... Ah, fuck it, I punch
him in the face. Can I just get in? Yeah, dude.
Great. So you get the element of surprise, but
you're doing something that's hard because Bobo
is like a gigantic fucking freak. So we'll do
a two. Okay. I'm going to use my incredible athleticism.
I'm adding some bonus dice for myself because
Bobo is big. Okay. And yeah, use your athleticism.
Wait, how many dice are you rolling? Well, I've
got two dice currently. One for punching. One
for sweet athleticism. And you just start with
one, too. And you start with one, yeah. Yeah.
Well, sure, yeah. Right, so two for that. Yeah,
okay. Oh, you know what? Yeah, do it. When I
get out of the car, I'm just going to pull up
and sort of swing my head back and let the breeze
just catch me. So I'll catch the breeze here.
And it's so fucking beautiful. Your hair just
whips in the wind. You get a little twinkle in
your eye. And as he's caught off guard with that,
then I lay in with a roundhouse kick from my
cowboy boot. Do it. Roll them. Two successes.
I had three successes. Son of a bitch. Now, this
is a chance. We haven't played with this yet.
You all, the other three of you, can grant a
re -roll if you feel like that was particularly
playing to Cage. Oh, the hair in the wind was
absolutely Cage. Yeah. But you only get one of
these each, so you have to be discerning about
using it. I will use this opportunity to grant
a re -roll. Definitely. Re -roll that shit and
see if you get better. Oh my god. To get three
of three? That's a lot of pressure. I rolled
really well. I still only have two successes.
Ah, okay. So you have this beautiful, beautiful
roundhouse kick that goes straight into this
Bobo's face, but their tiny little waiter arm
comes up and grabs it real quick and kind of
flings it away. Not my first cage. Then it seems
we are at an impasse. I'll hop out. Well, now,
now, Bella. What would it take for us to get
through this gate here? My instructions are,
nobody enters. Ah, but what if I were to offer
you this fine piece of literature to take out
of Juggs Magazine? Uh, the gross waiter version
of Bobo is kind of like, hmm. But Ron Perlman
is above that kind of chicanery. It's more where
that came from. I take out another one. Just
jugs on jugs on jugs on jugs. Until he says yes.
Okay, yeah. This is going to be a tough one.
Roll me three. Okay. So for the roll, I've got
my smooth talking. You got jugs. And you're using
jugs. And your regular roll. So you got three.
If you can get anything else, if a driver skill,
otherwise, oh, smooth talking already did. Yeah,
I did smooth talking. I think that's probably
all that I have that applies to this situation.
Okay, let's see. Wow. that no none zero that
was that was terrible so uh the bobo arms the
the waiter arms sort of grab a bunch of jugs
but then the ron perlman brain takes over and
crunches them up in its mouth with a bunch of
pistachios at the same time and just says iago
there's a lot i don't like about that oh dear
Rob's gonna, like, get out of the car and approach
this thing. You said, so your instructions are
to not let anyone in. Correct. And all the cages
have been removed? Removed. Stands to reason,
if all the cages are removed, and we are cages,
we cannot be here. And are no one, so you can
just let us go by. You can see this massive brain
calculating that fucking mindfuck. Logic trap!
Yeah. Okay. A three roll for you as well, Rob.
Alright. Why do I only roll well when I'm a GM?
The power's gone to your head. I'm trying to
think what I can use here. I think I can only
get one on this with... This is getting kind
of heady. This is being true to myself and asking
him to ponder the makings of reality. Yep. All
right. That's one success. I had two successes.
so unfortunately you do not penetrate the big
bobo's brain um they sort of resettle their sword
into the ground and just square up are so uh
the walls of the city are like quite quite high
um they seem pretty sheer uh i mean you could
arguably try and figure out a way to do something
with those walls and avoid this, but it seems
very difficult. Well, you gave it a try, I gave
it a try, you gave it a try, I popped the trunk.
Only one of you can fly. I just rise from my
hails. You rang. Peter, we need to get through
this gate. Well, I'm all out of Peru, but I guess
I could give it a try. I was going to drag my
piece of pallet, my blood around my face and
go to the Bobos. I'm a vampire. And I'm going
to show him the Heatherton contract. But you
know what this is? I've been looking for this
contract since 1963. And I'm a vampire. So I
think you're going to let me in or I'm going
to turn into a bat and shit on you. So this part
of Bobo is activated by this because Bobo fucking
hates vampires and devils and possession. And
that sword is up and coming down right at you,
Peter. Oh no. You're going to roll three to try
and not take grievous damage. Oh, I just got
healed as well. All that Bobby Peru blood for
nothing. I know that sweet Peru blood. If I'm
seeing that sword come up, I really can't let
him just take it. I need to get in there and
like try to block it as well. Yep, that's fair.
So let's let's see what Daryl rolls and then
we'll add you to the mix. Yeah, I just want to
help Daryl here. Yeah. All right. So let me give
Daryl a die in assistance. Sure, sure. Yeah,
here, roll one additional one. Okay, so I've
rolled three. I'm rolling an additional three
successes. Oh, yeah, you fucking do it. I don't
know how. So describe this. This buster sword
is coming down directly toward you. It's massive.
I mean, it's the size of your fucking body. How
does Peter Lowe not get cleaved in twain? I just,
like, drop to the ground and, like, scurry towards
its legs. I just, like, fling the pallet at its
shins. You do one trivial harm. Yes! And I just
start, like, hissing and, like, gnawing at the
ankle. Fuck yes. Okay. So, yeah, you're now worrying
the ankle of the bobos. Who wants to go next?
uh you know i'll take another swing at him yeah
man while he's down there and distracted i'll
um because he's distracted it's just gonna be
a two okay that's perfect um yeah and then haha
two sixes damn dog nerd so what do you do uh
this is just a straight up punch between the
eyes trying to just knock him out So he does
have that little like helmet cross guard thing.
So you don't knock him out, but you do definitely
like bloody his nose a little bit, which Bobo
is not used to. Yeah. And Bobo is mad. I'm going
to try and sneak around behind them and see if
we can like open up this gate or if we need a
key or something. Yeah. OK, that's that's cool.
You got to get past Bobo. So what are you going
to do? I was going to say, if I could help with
providing some distraction, I was just going
to, like, rock straight up to this thing and,
like, present my face for punching. Because one
of my skills as Rob, as Robbenfeld, is take a
punch. Okay, that's beautiful. Thank you. So,
yeah, you go up there and, like... non -aggressively
are just standing there, correct? It's so good.
Yeah. And Bobo is just fucking beating on you.
And what would punch and hurt most of you all
to a, you know, bloodied, you're in danger mode,
you're basically just like kind of fucked up,
a little bit bloody, bruised, like nothing major.
How much does he punch with? Like if we were
doing die? Uh, what do you mean? Just trying
to get more cage die for later. Oh, sure. Yeah,
here. I don't know. Take three extra die, but
you do take one level of damage. All right. Can
I roll to try and lessen that using my take a
punch? Sure. Fuck it. Yeah. Do three die against
that. All right. One success. Yeah. All right.
So that you're, I mean, cosmetically a little
bit like. Oh, yeah. Is that enough? That's Rob's
whole shit. He looks rough, but he's usually
all right. Yeah. Is that enough of a distraction
so I can sneak around to take a look at the gate?
Yeah. Yeah, I think that you have enough. There
is a massive, massive lever that activates that
gate. Jump up and try and pull down. You can
try, but your weight is not enough. This takes
the strength of at least two bobos. How much
is four cages an equivalent to one Bobo? Well,
it depends which Bobo, I suppose. This one's
got little waiter arms. Yeah, these are waiter
arms, but that Bobo from Moonstruck, secret strength.
Inner strength. Yeah, inner strength, exactly.
You understand. Can either of you help me out
with this, or are you still busy dealing with
Bobo? I'm gnawing on an ankle right now. Right.
Yeah. Jabbing it with my like Cameron's got a
Cameron pose. He's done what he needs to do.
Yeah, I'll just flip Bobo's helmet around backwards
and run over and just give him a hand on that.
OK, I'm going to do I'm rolling for. So that's
a three challenge for you because that's that's
a tough move. But. You've got skills. So roll
fucking well. You've got to roll against the
DM who has not rolled poorly all night. Yeah,
yeah. How do I make this better? I don't. Okay.
Here it goes. I have a success. all right so
you you attempt to swing on this helmet to sort
of like pull it around but i don't know it's
fastened in some way i don't know how helmets
work don't ask me these things yeah you didn't
fight in the crusades that's fair yeah i didn't
fight in the crusades i didn't prepare for this
antic uh it did not succeed and you actually
now are kind of like dangling off the side of
bobo because your arm is sort of caught oh god
damn it uh I'm going to try and distract Bobo
to see if I can get him to take a swing at me
that might hit the lever. I like it. I don't
know how with Peter gnawing on his ankle over
there, but... So paint me the word picture here,
Alec. What does High do to do this distraction?
Start waving there. I was going, hey, you! Wearing
the helmet up there! Over here! Over here! Jesus
Christ. Alright. This is still going to be a
three roll. Okay. What do I have that might help
with this? Nothing. Nothing at all. This is just
a single dice, I think. I'll tell you what, I
only rolled one success. So if you roll against
it, it'll be a push. And you'll at least get
his attention. Nope, that's a three. So instead
of that, the Bobo actually takes a big step back
in your direction, but doesn't turn around. You
are closer to being sort of squished, though.
Okay. Is the Bobo wearing any chest armor or
anything? Or is it just a helmet? The Bobo's
wearing a nice suit. Suit, you say? Is there
a necktie? absolutely oh sorry bowtie this is
a service okay i'm gonna like stop gnawing the
ankle for a second and just look i would say
who did your tailoring i said i suit you have
there what what is your goal i think we're just
trying to play a distraction here because the
fact we haven't all been kicked over the wall
yet is incredible to me it's true uh yeah that's
fair okay so you're doing some sort of annoyance
just a two roll for that roll to be annoying
yeah it worked it was a zero roll uh six and
a five okay you do annoy and distract the bobo
who says you gotta have nice pairs of pants and
suits yeah if he's distracted i'd like to get
myself free and like just maybe jump off of the
bobo yeah like onto the lever yep okay uh so
that's just like a sick acrobatic move so let's
call it a it's gonna be a challenge three because
you're you're doing a lot of stuff to get free
and also leap and also land and grab um but i
think you can do that yeah i have sick athletic
athletic skills My skills are just next level
athleticism and always catching the breeze. It's
just what I'm good at. Your hair's got flow.
Yeah, just a little flow. Yeah, I'll give it
to you. You got away from an explosion. What
do you want? Two successes. Okay. Yeah, that
does work. So you have leapt onto this lever
too. And it is still not quite enough, even though
you are a brick shithouse. You have not pulled
this lever down with high. I'm still close enough
to like be hanging on it and nothing. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, you were you were hollering at him from
there. But yeah. So the Bobo at this point is
going to do kind of a spin move to just sort
of like knock Peter off and arguably sort of
fuck up Rob at the same time. So each of you
roll three dice and you can try and protect yourself
in a. way that might make sense. Take a punch.
Yep. That's one success. Right. Rolling three.
Three fives. Damn, dog. All right. He is a vampire.
So, Peter, you're like, not only have you sort
of like gnawed his leg, you now have scurried
up his body a little bit and you are latched
on pretty well. Rob, roll me one dice just to
see if you get a success for less being fucked
up. That's a four. Okay. So you end up getting
launched away and thrown into the front of the
car. You kind of dent the hood, but you're not
hurt more. You're just not immediately in the
fray. If I'm clung on to this Bobo, can I try
and drive my pallet through its heart? Yeah,
dude. then that's what i want to do yep um again
we're gonna do a three on that because this it's
a big fucking big fucking bobo you son of a bobo
so you're rolling just two two dice uh i guess
i am yeah What if I told you that he was wearing
the insignia of a bat? I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Be a little bit horny. My erection gives me the
strength of gods. It wasn't the palate that penetrated
his heart. And his hog grew three sizes that
day. Oh, God, please. A five and a two. Okay.
I got a five and a six. That's classic you, isn't
it, tonight? So you do manage to stab Bobo in
the heart, but you don't have enough force to
really drive that stake in enough to create grievous
injury or to take this fucker down. And now you
are kind of hanging on. the stake that is in
Bobo. And Bobo is starting to turn around to
get to the two cages on the lever. Is it possible
to try and reach out and grab Peter as he's spinning
to add more weight to the lever? Fuck yes, absolutely.
We'll do that as a two. Yeah, nothing's going
to help me with that. Reach out. I don't wait.
If I could propose an idea. Oh, yeah. Fucking
high. That does get spun around quite a bit.
He's been spun around in a fight. He would know
this in triple force. He would know where to
grab. That's true. I'm not against it. All right.
That's two fives. Hey, OK, so you have extracted
Peter Lowe. You are now all hanging from this
lever and Bobo has this steak. in their heart
zone uh well while the spinning was happening
uh rob would have like got set up and like oh
just look back at the car and just like he's
gonna get in and just try and ram it into bobo
as soon as uh peter is out of the way fuck yeah
um the challenge rating on this one is just a
one i am cutting through the bullshit And I'm
assuming this is going to hurt me as well because
this is an older car. I'm assuming it doesn't
have airbags. So I'm just going to like muscle
through what's about to hurt real bad. Yep. That
is one success. Okay. So you drive the car directly
into Bobo. But. You didn't have time to buckle
your seatbelt and you go straight through that
fucking windshield. But the beautiful thing about
this is that as you're tumbling through the air,
Rob, you take out your frying pan and it collides
with that pallet piece at exactly the right point
and force. driving that piece directly into this
Bobo's heart and it crashes over barfs up some
pistachios and dies that just happened in a Zack
Snyder slow -mo shot in my head and it was beautiful
thank you so long as there isn't any of that
like Wonder Woman like Athenian music going on
in a slow motion Okay, so you have dispatched
Bobo. Good work. You all get 10 experience points
and level up. Yay. No, but you have done this.
Rob, you see these three guys kind of all hanging
on this lever and it is still not quite going
anywhere. I'm just going to like walk up, grab
like the lowest dangling feet, just tug. And
the gate swings open. And you have access to
this Emerald City. I guess we head on inside.
Yeah. I imagine the car's in no state to drive.
I don't know if the car's going anywhere. The
car's absolutely fucked. It got robo'd. I mean,
there's a palace. I say we head towards the palace.
Yeah. Yeah, so as you're walking through here...
I imagine it's on this yellow brick road. It
sure as shit is. And what's a little troubling
about this area is that there's fucking no one
here. It is a ghost town. And you can see where
there was a teeming life here at some point,
but there's just nothing. Is there any signs
that there was some life recently around? I mean,
you could say that probably up till about three
or so months ago. Are there any convenience stores
that we walk by? Sure. Yeah, there's there's
kind of like a local whatever, you know, stupid
Emerald City bodega would be. I absolutely go
into that bodega and clean out the register.
Anything else that might look useful? yeah what's
weird is that unfulfilled that there's no one
there to actually rob yeah it feels like an empty
victory yeah there's nothing too special about
this i mean you can see some like old hot dogs
on rollers that have just kind of like gone to
shit over the months are they still rolling off
room to people yeah good okay so you've got a
bunch of pocket like horrible dogs pocket charcoal
all the cash in the register has your faces on
it um but like not quite your face uh i'm gonna
call that cage cash cage cash yeah cage bucks
um so yeah i mean anything else you want to explore
in this zone before you guys head all the way
to the sort of palace is there like a a newspaper
box i mean you know, Emerald city seven 11 that
you guys just robbed definitely had a newspaper
stand. So sure. I'll grab a paper and just kind
of look at the headline. What was the last date
on it? The date. Yeah. Uh, many, many months
ago. Um, many months ago in reference to what?
We're all from different time periods too. Like
what is the, what is the Emerald city calendar?
It says may. Fuck you. Fair. The only thing of
note on it is the headline is parade cancelled.
City shutting down. What kind of parade? I mean,
it was going to be a good one. What color were
the balloons? Well, I mean, I think there was
like a Garfield balloon with Nicolas Cage's face
on it. Oh, yeah, right. Was there like a church
around at all or anything like religious in this
town center? OK, realistically, no, there would
not be anything religious in this space. God
has abandoned this town. the dead walk here this
is the torture of the damned i feel the crazy
one might have struck right it doesn't seem like
we're gonna find many people to answer our questions
here now to really throw you all off there's
also just weird piles of clothing everywhere
as if people were raptured but it's just it's
nudist don't worry It's all little kids' clothes.
It's not nudists. Walking it back real quick.
The kids took their clothes. They're fine. I
saw that movie. Only the children got raptured.
That's true. It's true. God's a perv. I mean,
if the Catholic Church is anything to go by.
Fair enough. That masculine does weird stuff.
Wow. all right i'll just drop that newspaper
and sort of kind of take us up to the castle
yeah i mean it's sort of a palace palace situation
yeah i mean it's got a bunch of towering spires
not a bunch it's a couple but um you know it's
it's the main structure here other than this
now ghost town so the town consists of a convenience
store a palace And no churches. Yeah. And also
some places that people lived at some point,
but... Gross. You got the measure of it, though.
All right. Well, boys, I think the only answers
we're going to find are lying right ahead of
us. I pull out this devil gun. Yep. Get out of
my frying pan. Are we walking like that ZZ Top
music video to this palace? Like slow motion.
I'm putting the teeth in slow motion. Yes. Absolutely.
High is making sure his gun has no bullets in
it. Making sure it's empty. Spinning. Putting
on the stocking. Slow -mo putting on the stocking.
Yeah, you guys are prepped, and you are at these
giant gates of this emerald palace. Is there
a big lever? Is there a what? A big lever? Nothing.
Is it locked? There's no bobos. There's nothing.
Is the gate locked? No. Oh, I opened the gate.
Rob, you swing these huge doors open into this
dark hall that just kind of goes deep into this
room. but as you open these doors like a large
assortment of bats just kind of scurry out shocked
by the light I'm hard as fuck right now yeah
just put my hands down just in front of my crotch
I can explain I don't think that any explanation
would be more comfortable than what we'd assume.
I think it would be worse. As Dr. Glaser always
says, we listen and we don't judge. No, we judge.
Alright, yeah, so you're in this hall, and there's
really not that much to see, but you can poke
around, you can see what you can find out, whatever
you want. So, hall... Are there doors or is it
just like one big long like? It's a very long
hallway and there are two doors at the end. Boy,
I think I'm going to poke around. Poke around,
see what you find. In every corner, you just
release more bats and Peter gets hornier and
hornier. It's getting painful for him at this
point. Be kind. Rushing. Life fading. That erection
might actually be saving your life as all the
blood is stored down below the wound. That's
true. This is the worst leisure suit lariat I've
ever played. Yeah, I will proceed to the doors.
Great. Alright, so you guys open up door number
one and what you see is grisly and confusing.
You see the corpses of Hundreds of people who
look like you. Stacked like cordwood. Sort of
embalmed, almost. I have to admit, that is not
reassuring. I feel like I'm vomiting in the corner
at this point. Yeah, it's pretty gross. Yeah,
definitely vomiting in the corner. If I wasn't
so aroused, I'd be upset. All right, well, with
my devil gun up and ready to go, I'll enter the
room. Okay, you're in a room full of dead Nick
Cage characters. How large is this room? It's
a large circular room. It kind of towers up,
and these bodies are stacked pretty fucking high.
There's a lot of them. any focal point beyond
just the corpses no otherwise the room seems
kind of featureless um like way up high it's
sort of ringed with gargoyles um but otherwise
that's with nick cage heads yeah no why do they
all have our faces is this a collection of our
sins for the past Crimes we committed in our
human lives. These are the us's that never found
the contract. It is over, you fucking bitch.
You said there were two doors? Yeah. I'm gonna
go open that other door. I don't want to be in
this room. Okay, yeah, so you open this other
door and it's completely the exact same style
of room. Very cylindrical. No cage bodies in
here at all. There is a door at the other end
of it that the other room did not have. Go to
the other door. Yeah, I think it's a good, good
idea. I'll just close the door as I leave this
one. Yeah. You know, honor the dead. Yeah. No,
no reason to disturb this. Open that door. Okay.
So the four of you are in this cylindrical room
and Rob, you reach and you touch the handle of
that door. You turn it. and the whole room starts
to spiral and your exit door is now underground
and your exit or your uh your new door that you
were just trying to open is way up in the sky
and you were just kind of in the center of this
room other than you rob uh where there's nothing
that you can see like a giant like the room turned
into a giant spiral staircase Except minus the
stairs, yeah. Am I still on the floor level with
them? Yeah. Yeah, you kind of got like a as everything
went kind of crazy. Can we see anything or is
it all just completely dark? No, there's some
light in here. I don't know, cast from something
up above. The only thing you can really see are
those gargoyle statues around the entire top.
Needs my vampire bat sonar to navigate us. Start
shouting into the void. I'll fire as the exit.
I'm still hot as fuck at the same time as well.
And your sonar pings off of something and you
get something back to your ears and that something
is the sound of vomiting? And you start to see
down the edges of the wall. Some sort of substance
is just like pouring into this space. So our
room is filling up. Is the substance vomit? Do
me a favor and go investigate. Investigate the
might be vomit. No, it is something that you're
actually quite familiar with. It is macaroni
and cheese. Of course it is. Cheddar Goblin.
Cheddar Goblin. Is it edible? Can I take a bite?
Is it coming out of the gargoyle's mouth? It
is coming out of the gargoyle's mouth, which
are all active Cheddar Goblins. And yeah, it's
actually fucking really tasty. It's the cheesiest.
Take one of the pocket dogs and just put mac
and cheese over the top of it. You are healed
fully and you are now in Super Saiyan mode. You
are a god. Okay, yeah, so this room, you know,
the levels are sort of fairly rapidly rising.
This cheddar is coming up pretty quick on you.
And our exit door went down? Correct. I want
to use my knowledge of food and cheese -based
substances to figure out how dense this stuff
is going to be and whether or not we'll float.
Okay, yeah. Go ahead and roll me three on that
because I feel like you would know some shit.
Oh, damn. No successes. I had two. I know nothing
of magical cheese. What is macaroni? Are the
walls, do the walls look at all climbable? They
are not climbable, no. Is there anything we could
feel on the floor? That's like an exit that might
be underneath us. No, the only thing that you
can see is sort of halfway up, there's sort of
a cavity in the wall that you can't quite identify
what it is. But there is something there that
is not the door up above you. Halfway up as in
like, is that like 20 feet, 50 feet, 7 feet?
We'll say 20. 20 feet? Okay. Don't suppose any
of you fellas have some rope about you. I just
pull out my... pocket full of yarn we try and
lasso onto one of the gargoyles and climb out
on the yarn yeah how high up are the gargoyles
uh so let's see um the the cavity is 20 feet
up the door is 30 feet up and the gargoyles are
another 10 up from that uh i mean i think three
of us could like ladder up At least to the cavity.
Yeah. I feel like Robin and Cameron Poe are sturdy
enough where they could ladder up and High could
scamper up to that cavity. Yeah, I like that.
That seems reasonable, right? So you're going
to be a little bit shy given that height, but
not by much. High could just sort of jump off
of Cameron's shoulders or something to kind of
reach that space. There we go. So go ahead. This
is actually I think that's clever enough. Just
just a one roll. From from each of us or just
from you. OK. Nope, that's a zero. You fall backwards
into the mac and cheese and you start to suffocate
a little bit and panic and you need some help.
Oh, dear. just wait over and like lift him out
okay yeah you're back out things are okay i'm
just gonna flap in my arms like a bat to start
trying to swim in this fucking cheese goop yes
perfect don't forget to kick your legs i don't
know what to do in this situation other than
just try the same thing again Well, try the same
thing, but do it in a different way. Add a little
creative element to it that you didn't do the
first time. Can I give them my piece of pallet
so they've got a point to jab into the wall,
perhaps? Sadly, your pallet is still stuck in
Bobo's heart. Here's what I'll do. I'll take
some of the lengths of pantyhose, knot them together,
tie them, knot them around the empty gun, Well,
I try and get up there, flip the empty gun up
to see if it'll catch on something like a like
a grappling hook. Yeah. All right. Give me a
two roll. OK, so there's one. One for using the
gun, one for using the pantyhose. Only one one
piece of equipment. OK. That's one success. OK.
i rolled like shit so uh you did it finally what
what did you anchor anchor the gun on the door
or something uh well i'm just tossing it up there
to get it to catch on something so it can climb
up the knotted pantyhose or use it to stabilize
oh sure okay yeah all right so um hi you climb
these pantyhose the level of mac and cheese is
really pretty rapidly rising the the flow has
increased cheddar goblins mouths have opened
more um So at this point, Rob, if you're the
base of this entire thing, you are pretty much
up to your nose in mac and cheese. So you're
in in some imminent danger. So high as you climb
up there, what you end up seeing in that cavity
is what appears to be a pretty plain box. Is
it openable easily? Sure. Flip it open. It is
empty. That is not. of much help uh if i if i
go lower the pantyhose back down can they grab
onto it and help climb up the wall sure okay
let's do that i'll hop down and help rob and
peter up first yeah you guys can kind of like
fight against the flow and bob on the surface
but you will inevitably start like sinking down
quicksand style into this mac and cheese which
while delicious you cannot eat enough to save
yourselves I'll show you. I feel like I'd be
cowardly enough to scurry up first without any
discussion. By the time I get up there, I want
to just admire where are you buying these? These
are pretty nice tights. Legs. They come in the
egg. Yeah. Rob is impressed by this. Sean really
wants to know where I can buy those. He gets
them really nice. All right. So we're all looking
at this box? Yeah. Empty box. Anything about
this box strike a chord? What kind of box is
it? What shape is this box? Cardboard, we're
talking. It is a cardboard box. Got a name on
it? Boy, is that... I think this is a test. I'm
going to put the bunny in the box. I put the
bunny in the box. And you hear a happy little
tune. And the Cheddar Goblins stop barfing. And
the floor kind of comes back up to where you
guys are. And the door sort of rotates back down
the other way. And the slurry of mac and cheese
just sort of goes through as if it's gone through
like a grater or a sieve or something like that.
And you're standing in front of this door. This
is some kind of sick test. But I think we're
going to be put up against elements of our life
here. This bunny in the box. It's from a darker
time in my life. Keep an eye out for anything
that seems too familiar. You're at this door.
Throw it open. Yeah. I'll lead in. Rob's done
with this shit. Welcome to the throne room. You
enter this large, darkened space. And there's
not that much that you can see because it's quite
dark in here. And then illuminated in front of
you is a gigantic head. And it looks familiar
to you because it is your own face. But for those
of us who know, it's Gary's face from Army of
One. I see the resemblance immediately. Yeah,
you recognize. Yeah, I feel like I could play
him in a film. Well, and as a man who's been
to Afghanistan, like, you know, this is a guy
who knows Benny boy. Fair, fair. So he's an overweight.
Cameron Poe. I like it. Pretty much. And this
giant head kind of turns and perceives you. And
it's not well animated. It's more of a Zardoz
head than it is like a true Wizard of Oz head.
There are no more cages. I want to go up to high
and it's like give me one of those Rock pocket
dogs. One of those charcoal dogs. Hand it over.
And I'm just going to walk up to one of the walls
and just start scrying in giant letters. Page.
You enrage the head. Its eyes light up. It's
like, man! Those hot dogs shouldn't have been
used. We got the best hot dogs. Fuck! Why are
you here? We're just trying to find a way home.
We got rid of you. How are you here? I'd be the
first to say I have no fucking idea what's been
happening this entire time. I want to try and
cut through the bullshit here and see if like
you said this is a A fairly not great representation.
Also, we all come from a world where the Wizard
of Oz exists, so I'm just looking for the fucking
curtain. Yeah, dude. Absolutely. Okay, so this
room is quite dark. You can't see a ton, but
you know what you're trying to do. So I think
this is just going to be a one roll. But roll
well, because I did succeed. two successes five
and a four fuck yeah okay so i just want to rock
up to that curtain and just rip it down yeah
so rob you go over you rip that curtain down
and um this head in the sky just sort of like
wamps down onto the ground which would have been
really grievous injury for any of you had you
been under it um but it just sort of thunks down
there and falls over and goes man And what you've
revealed, you instantly can see two major things.
In one corner, you see three mole people. And...
Wait, like... Mole people or fucking moles? Like,
mole people. I mean, they're kind of moles. Like
mole men? Or are we talking like... I mean, two
of them look pretty similar, and the other has
a bigger head, but yeah, sure. What do those
heads look like? Moles. Moles, mainly. And then
in the other corner, you can see a cage, and
inside of that cage is a pretty well -appointed
little apartment, and... A Nicolas cage or a
physical cage? A lowercase cage. And inside of
the lowercase cage is a capital C cage. As the
curtain drops, the three moles sort of skitter
about and freak the fuck out. They shouldn't
see us! Fuck! Oh, God! Shit! And then they run
to the center of this room and they press a red
button and they are immediately encapsulated
in a sphere. And then that sphere is surrounded,
Krang -style, by a sort of robotic body. And
from their arms, they pull a long katana. and
a Ghost Rider -style chain whip. All right. I'm
going to look at... What does the cage in the
cage look like? Nicholas fucking Cage. Nicholas
Coppola? Correct. Okay. Rachel, this would be
a really good time to give me some fucking answers
because I think I'm fucking done. I'm just going
to walk up to the cage and be like, what? We
don't have time for this. I can explain it. Deal
with the moles. I brought you here for a reason.
I have had enough of this. I need to get out
of this place. I just want to get back to Ed.
You creatures. Just charge the thing and try
and tackle it. Great. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking
huge, so this will be challenging. The brain
is gone at this point. I'm in crazy shit overload.
That sounds like a cage -out kind of moment.
That sounds like a cage -out moment. How many
am I rolling against, just out of curiosity?
I did eight. So it's about even. Oh, that's so
bad. That's four. Four successes. Four successes
does it. Oh! Yeah. I didn't roll super well.
What are you doing and trying to do on this one?
I'm just trying to tackle it, rip bits of it
off, smash whatever that bubble is to get at
the mole people. Just blind rage. Right on. Okay.
So as you kind of approach this thing, it swings
its katana with one arm and it whips this chain
around with the other, but you managed to do
some sort of high shenanigans, you know, sliding
on your back, whatever, hurting yourself on popcorn
ceiling. I don't care what it is, but you, you
get through that, that first onslaught and you
latch onto this thing's leg and you are an anchor
and you're definitely deterring it from moving
well at this point. There we go. just trying
to i don't know if it's like got mechanisms i
can try and jam up or if it's just like a suit
of armor i can try and rip off or yeah let's
let's find out next time it's a no part of the
mole sort of like uh physically available it's
all behind like armor and spheres and things
yeah it's definitely got spheres fucking spheres
man god damn spheres A Gary made of spheres and
nodes holding all those damn moles. Nodes. The
nodes. Can you shoot it or something? Black Eyed
Peas playing? Oh, yeah. The Boom Boom Pow came
on right when you guys first came in. Of course
it did. I'll level out and take the Gary. In
the Gary head with my devil gun. Yep. All right.
We'll do three on that. Sure. And I'll, I'll,
I'll take a second to really kind of blow out
my hair while I aim down at it. So two successes.
Okay. So you with your devil gun, it shoots all
sort of arcane satanic symbols and shit. And
it blasts straight through the forehead of the
devil or the devil of the Gary head. And that
thing blows up and it sprays shrapnel all over
the the Krang mole people. Has it fallen? Is
it continuing to fight? Yeah. It's still there.
Are the moles, are they now visible? Yes. Could
I, with my teeth in, this might be like a joint
effort, run, be propelled by one of our co -cages
so that I can go into the hole and just bite
on this mole? Because that's what I want to do.
you could absolutely leap off my back i'm very
well okay we'll play with that um yeah i'm gonna
that's a challenge three all of these are gonna
be threes i'm gonna add some extra dice for myself
though yeah of course you would classic uh right
uh i have a six a five and a one Okay, it's a
push. So you managed to get yourself onto the
sphere and you're kind of hanging on to one spot
that got sort of fractured a little bit with
the shrapnel, but you are not in a biteable way.
I do be dangling. You love a good dangle. So
I want to ask Nick Cage, why have they done this?
Why have they kidnapped you? What is this place?
This was the entire point. They just wanted me.
You guys are an anomaly because I brought you
to save me. What about the room full of all the
other cages? What they did to them is a travesty,
but they knew that they had the real cage, so
they got rid of the rest. How do you spell Nick?
N -I -C. Okay, so it is the real Nick Cage. You
know it, baby. and he gives you a classic smile
veneers and all so i'm just gonna like walk i
just want to walk out into kind of the middle
of the room while like in slow motion like peter's
like hanging from like this thing just trying
to like bite in uh uh reloading um hi it's just
like just hanging off and being spun around and
it's like Fucking tiny, tiny mole things. Tiny
mole people. What the fuck? Why have you done
this to that man? Why have you done this to that
man? All right, you're going to roll for this.
Ask a question? We're not at what I'm doing yet.
The preamble. If that's what you want, they're
not going to be distracted by you. You need to
talk to them for me to use any of my skills.
All right. Fair enough. Fair enough. Not take
a punch. I could pass on a message. No, actually,
that's a good point. If you want to have a message
to them, Rob, I think that you have to get fucked
up. So you're going to take a fairly major assault.
And we'll see how much damage you do and if you
can stand up. All right, I only have two dice
for that. Okay, I'm gonna roll a bunch. No successes.
None? Nope. Well, I had two, so... Okay, so Rob,
at this point, you get, like, batted across the
room and you slam against the wall. You are not
dead, but you are pretty fucked up. All right.
So at this time... I'm just going to cage out.
Yep. I'm going to like seeing Rob get just thrown
up 70 or 25 % of our party there. Yeah. This
is pretty dire straits. We got Nicholas cage.
We got a lot of things on the line. I'm going
to, I'm just going to run in. I want to distract
it. So it swings the chain loops up its own legs,
knocks itself down. Then I'll. get in and you
know do a kill shot but i'm caging out fuck yeah
with all of these dice i've done a lot of stupid
things eight successes nice i had five which
five out of six i rolled really super well yeah
um that does it okay so describe what you actually
do so i'm gonna just kind of run in Sort of a
slow motion thing, making lots of noise, getting
those moles attention. I want them to swing that
chain to try to sweep me. And I'll dive for its
legs so that the chain carries around. Perfect.
Lasso's itself. I'll come up on the backside.
I'll maybe pop one off in its butt to knock it
off balance. You're popping a devil gun off in
its butt? It's the only gun I've got. Yeah, fair
enough. Not going to want the big crushing machine
that's been in the corner the whole time. Yeah,
probably into some power lines first. Then into
a crusher machine. Okay, so at this point, the
mole machine has fallen over. Hi, you're going
to have to have gotten out of the way in some
way, but you're sort of up on top. Peter, you're
there still kind of clinging to the sphere, and
the entire thing has fallen pretty close to where
you are, Rob. But it is starting to get itself
back up. I'm going to stop crawling into the
open hole. So the hole is near me so I can see
these things now? Yep. They're all kind of sideways,
but yeah. And I'm also sideways, so we're both
on the floor just staring at each other. It's
like, you kidnapped a man with a million faces.
Why? We just needed the one. The whole thing
was about meeting the one. You killed 110 plus.
Irrelevant. And why did you want to meet this
one? Because he's the best. I'll start scaling
the back. Perfect. What's your favorite thing
about this man? What's the best thing about this
man? I like his adaptability. To me, it seems
to me that you love this man for the versatility
of his performances, his work. You fell in love
with each one of us individually, with each one
of them pointing in the direction of the room
of dead people. And not only have you taken that
away from yourselves, You've taken that away
from the world. You wanted to see the man for
who he really was, forgetting that this, that,
is all part of that. And you have now denied
the world and yourselves who this man is. This
is my K -Town moment. This is my Rob moment.
Roll it, baby. That's what Rob does. Just robbing
out. Robbing out. Once we're done with this,
I think I'm going to rob one out too. That is
nine successes. Well, I rolled the worst I've
rolled. I rolled 10 dice and I got one success.
They all killed themselves. Ritual suicide. No,
but close enough to that. open up the sphere.
And one of them starts going, God, you're fucking
right. I don't know what we were doing. We could
have had all the cages, and we got the best one,
but we could have had all of them. One of these
mole people have a name tag that says, Hi, my
name is Jack. While these moles are grieving
amongst themselves, can I just crawl in and go
straight for the fucking throat? I'm pelting
them with like cheddar goblins soaked huggies
just trying to smother them yeah one of them
is having this really really important powerful
moment and just like a diaper to the face and
they're not big so they get knocked over completely
and like maybe start drowning a little bit and
then yeah Peter Lowe you go and you get one of
them just like right into your chompers. And
it's begging for its life, but I don't think
you care. I'll kind of gently take Peter Lowe
back from this. Just one of them. Missing like
an arm. Yeah, exactly. It must die. All right,
so at this point, you all have neutralized the
moles. What have you done with them? Are they
tied up somehow? Yeah, I'll tie them up with
some string. Yeah, right. Thanks, Casey. Do they
have the key for the cage on them? Yeah, one
of them does. I'm going to go over to their computer
and start smashing it until Boom Boom Pal stops
playing. Very important. Oddly enough, it's playing
at double speed now. It's chipmunk speed. Yeah,
exactly. Those chickens are trying to copy that
woman's swagger. I'll let this Nicolas Cage out.
He opens the cage, follows you out, and says,
Boys, I'm so pleased. I knew you were the right
ones to send for this job. The thing about mole
people, they never remember that we have long
arms. All I had to do was adjust the nodes, and
I got you. It seems a calculated mistake to leave
the control panel so close to your cage, but...
No one fucks with Nick Cage. You were able to
reach the nodes, but you couldn't just reach
out and strangle a mole? Well, they didn't come
that close. Don't think too much on this, Rob.
Those moles, they never just go away. Now, you
brought us here, but can you get us home? That's
the one thing I know how to do. I'm going back
to the prime timeline. but I can send you boys
wherever you want. What do you say? You want
to come with me? Or do you want to go wherever
you want to go? Well, you tell Trisha to tie
a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree because
this boy is coming home. And he goes over and
he fucks with the nodes and bazzap, Cameron Poe
sucked back up into a beam of light. I say, I
have to get back to Ed. She's going to be worried.
She's a lovely desert flower, is she not? She
is. And zap! Hi. Off to his lovely wife. I'm
probably quite late for an appointment with Dr.
Glaser. She's going to be wondering where I am
and I'm going to have to tell her. Well, a whole
host of things happened beginning with A, B,
C, D, A, F, J. I'm just going to shake my head
and be like, oh. And he smiles at you, gives
you a classic cage wink, moves the node lever,
and off you go. And everything fades to black.
And we, as regular people, are watching a 60
Minutes episode about Nicolas Cage. And we see
his house as he's wandering around talking about
Action Comics 1 and a dinosaur skull, all sorts
of shit. And he shows off, you know, one of his
ravens, the one that still is alive. I can't
remember if it's Eugen or Munin. And a new python
that he got. And then his last cage. uh that
he has holds these three little weird looking
moles that are kind of running around and he
taps on the glass and waves to them and smiles
well shit you all made it through thank you for
getting uh going the distance with us on this
entire journey um That was a blast to do. And
we're hoping to do more of that kind of content
at some point, not in a Nicolas Cage kind of
way, but in just a gaming way. We also have more
Nick Cage content coming at you in terms of old
movies that we are going to start going through
kind of one by one, not in the head to head matchup
style, but we're going to start bringing on new
guests and old guests and just keep talking Cage
as long as you're willing to go on the journey
with us. And speaking of that, To our Sparkle
Buddies, Josh, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam, Bill,
and Stuart. And to our Cage Dancers, Ira, John,
Freeman, Lance, Nathan, and Cameron. We love
your support. Thank you for being a part of this.
And keep on listening. We've got more Cage coming
at you. All right. Bye -bye. Bye -bye. minimal
cages lost yeah actually i think well there was
maybe maximum amount of cages lost but it wasn't
because aside from that one room yeah right just
one room and eight bobby peruse rest in peace
yeah gone but not forgotten oh that was so disturbing
our sweet sweet boys and i'd do it again Somehow,
even though there was a room full of corpses,
those eight Bobby Crews licking their teeth in
unison is still the creepiest thing that happened.
Yeah. I wrote that bit last night when I was
just sitting around. I was like, this is gross.
I'm definitely putting that in.