Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay, sweet. Well, uh...
i guess before we really begin welcome back to
cage match colon a roundabout way of meeting
nicholas cage i'm your game master producer peter
here with my host nick i'm cameron and my co
-host i don't like this nick john it feels dirty
doesn't it it does hey i'm not the one who botched
the order And we're joined by our special guests
and friends, Alec and Daryl, if you just guys
want to each say hello real quick. Hey there.
Hello, everyone. We're back. Familiar voices
for our long -term listeners, certainly. um so
yeah today uh kind of a change of pace we're
playing a tabletop rpg that's going to bring
the four final nick cage characters together
for an almost certainly stupid fucking adventure
um and the system that we're using is and lightly
adapting is called havoc brigade which is a game
that you can get for free created by grant howitt
who does lots of different games and is a pretty
creative wild fucker um without getting too crunchy
for the listener uh the way this game kind of
works The cages are going to attempt to do things
and I will issue challenge ratings for those
things. And then we roll dice against each other
to see how many successes or failures they get.
And they can augment their roles with additional
dice by using equipment and skills and things
that are relevant to their character. Hat tip
to Sean for pointing me in the direction because
this game system seems pretty fucking fun. And
also, I'm a big fan of this designer personally.
Yeah, it seems like he does a lot of really good
stuff. And also hat tip to Cage Dancer John for
giving me his house while I'm recording this,
because now I just deal with giving it to you.
I just got it. That's that's the thing about
the Seattle home. I got like residential. They're
just giving houses away. It's so cheap here.
Uh huh. What am I going to do with all these
houses? so yeah all we had to do was free up
a couple residences maybe ship a few people down
south and oh boy talking about sean not not immigrants
what are your thoughts on 9 -11 everybody go
around robin I mean, I am one of your few friends
with Melon and Nick that did get sent down south.
That's true. That's true. You know from previous
episodes what my thoughts are on this. I'm just
waiting for that final call to ice getting through
on Rico. Oh, man. We're going to get rid of Rico.
And then I can come back. Yeah. Sorry, we were
talking about 9 -11. I don't want to detract.
Yeah, let's get back to the important stuff.
Back to the subject at hand. I think this is
my fault. It's a real topic now. I know, I see
your face and I'm just like, wait. I do. I would
like to just give one more, just a little shout
out to Grant Howitt for this game and how I originally
came across it was through his game Goblin Quest,
which had an adaption called Sean Bean Quest.
which was a version of a game I pitched when
we initially started talking about this. Yeah,
it led us in the right direction, and I'm glad
that we got here, because I think that we're
going to have a lot of stupid fun with it. So
yeah, let's get to it. We open right before the
break of a new day in a world that is not our
own, but feels somewhat extremely familiar. We
see a glittering city of emerald. and four pulses
of light leap out from the topmost spire, flashing
like lightning in a near dark. Then, as the sun
begins to rise, those beams return, but not to
the spire. No, they land outside of the Emerald
City, outside of the small surrounding towns
and structures, out in a wasteland. Inside of
those four beams, we see the symbols of vampire
teeth, legs pantyhose, a fuzzy bunny, and a truffle.
Our four cages appear in four separate beams
of light. They come to awareness as they stare
at various iterations of themselves. I don't
think I'm in Kansas anymore. Oh, there's a hole
in my chest. Are you vampires too? Why do you
have my face? Where is Alpha? I'm fucked. I'm
so fucked on this. Rob's just going to like stare
like just into the middle distance. Hi, fellas.
I don't suppose any of you are friends of Gale.
Cameron will just take one slow step back and
look around. This is not Afghanistan. Where are
we, boys? And again, who are we, y 'all? If I'm
being honest, I'm a little concerned that y 'all
look so much like me. I don't see it. No idea.
I'm the only one of us four who clearly has sex
with a bat flying around. I believe that to be
true. Cameron, we'll look around real quick.
What kind of surroundings? Yeah, okay. So off
in the far distance, you can see that Emerald
City that I sort of mentioned. It seems like
a very high walled castle -ish, you know, thing
way in the distance. In between that, you can
see sort of the populations of small towns. Nothing
looks very big, but you can see lights sort of
popping on as the day has started. And you find
that you are on an extremely long, bright yellow
highway that runs directly through those towns
to that Emerald City. Point of order. I just
want to know, at what point are we at with Daryl?
What is... Where are we at in... In Daryl's decomposition?
Oh, God. My brain. Peter Lowe. Peter Lowe. Where
are we at in Peter's transformation slash uptire?
So we're sort of picking up at the end of Vampire's
Kiss. Last I checked, there was a steak in my
chest, and I ate a cockroach, put in some teeth.
Unseen, and now we're here. Yeah, that is pretty
much how it went. There was a splorp, I think,
as you took the steak out, and that was it. Are
you actively bleeding at the moment? Other Peter,
am I bleeding? Sure, I think there's some gore
going on right now. Why not? I think there's
just a gaping wound in my chest and just spurting
out blood. I mean, you are, like, still covered
in blood, right? Like, you did a murder before
ending up here. I did a lot of horrible things
before ending up here. Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ,
where am I? Where am I? Oh, Christ. I'm not dead.
I'm a vampire. Oh. Oh. god i'm a vampire at this
point the sun starts to crest over the hill just
a little bit more i just scurry on the floor
for any kind of shade yeah so on this highway
uh you can see that there's just derelict cars
all over the place uh so that you're able to
get behind something The tortures of the damned.
I'm covering my face with my coat. Son, I think
we need to see to that stomach of yours. Boys,
we gotta get this man to a hospital. Maybe more
than one. But... Can you... Help me with him.
I don't. I don't think there's much to be done
to help him. It's not entirely clear to me that
it's safe to approach the man. Kill me. He was
here from behind the car. I'll just approach
this. this clearly disturbed individual with
like jacket out kind of like you would trap a
raccoon yeah just from maybe like five ten feet
away try to shoo it over their head shoo shoo
yeah a little net uh so while you're you're sort
of trying to wrangle peter um you can if you're
listening really hard you can hear in the distance
the sound of uh engines sort of approaching you
they're still a ways off but there is noise the
bells toll for me i'm saying this with a jacket
covered in my head i'm just gonna like stare
off into fucking neck what uh in the direction
of the uh the cars the sound of vehicles So,
Rob, what you can tell is that there's actually
more than one sound coming from that direction.
There's sort of a lower rumble, and then what
seems further off is a higher sound. Lower and
higher sounds. Ooh, we have all the sounds. Are
any of these broken down vehicles around us,
do any of them look like they are close enough
to working condition so we might be able to...
Yeah, I mean, you can do a little investigation
on that. I think I would love to investigate
that. Yeah, I would be pretty capable of figuring
out, you know, if something is able to be wired
or anything like that. So, yeah, tell me what
you see. What kind of vehicle would catch High's
eye? Something big enough to put a person in
the back of like a big old like. 70s sedan looking
thing yeah i mean there's uh i don't know vehicles
well enough to play this game very well but there's
a big ass cadillac and uh there's also an rv
if you were wanting to go that route oh much
better rv more separation the further back the
crazy vampire guy can be the happier i will be
perfect So, yeah, you see a really bitching mini
Winnebago that, you know, looks like it's been
fucked up. It's gotten bashed around because
it's in the way on this highway. So people have
just sort of hit it. But I think, you know, there's
some gas in there and you could probably get
it going with a couple tries. Oh, yeah. I'm going
to try to get that thing going. I'm going to
give you a this will be a zero challenge because
I don't think it's going to be too hard and you're
kind of skilled in this way. So if you just want
to roll a dice and see if you succeed. Just the
one. Just one. Okay. So four, five, six is a
success. I mean, he's stealing this, doesn't
that? Couldn't he like maybe get another dice
for that? I'm kidnapping the vehicle. I will
count that. So roll two dice. Thank you, Sean.
Very, very well thought. I appreciate that because
only one of those was a success. So. All right,
so this thing, it sputters to life. You can see
the gas meter's like, it's a little low, you
know, it's a guzzler, but you can get this thing
going. All right, yeah. Get it started up, fellas.
We want to try and find a hospital. I think this
might be the best way. Rob will just kind of
like let himself in, just still not really. trying
to associate with anyone and just sit in the
passenger seat nice all right what about cameron
and uh peter lowe cameron will try to just corral
and shoot almost pigeon like into the uh into
the car into the rv perfect yeah okay so the
four of you are inside of this rv hi i assume
you're the wheel man oh yeah yeah Okay, so you
get this thing rolling. The first thing that
you see is a big sign on the side of the highway
that says, Big Tuna, fuck you, 20 miles. Charming.
Does that mean anything to any of you boys? I
mean, technically, it would mean nothing to any
of you all, but... Oh, you don't know about the
big tuna. Is there like a first aid kit or some
duct tape in this RV? I've got some diapers.
Yeah, if I can find some tape, I'll tape a diaper
to Peter's chest wound. Yeah, all right. Yeah,
you're fine. You don't have to roll for this.
You do find a roll of tape, I don't know, duct
tape, something like that, that you can just
kind of wrap pressure on this fucking wound.
Yeah, a little field medicine for you. I'm going
to turn around from the seat to Cam and be like,
if he gets a little crazy, use this and I'll
hand him my frying pan. Yes. The classic head
clanger. I'll keep that in mind. It's quite effective.
What's the state of... rob at this moment uh
are you covered in blood no rob this is uh this
is post the end of the film but uh before before
new pig so still probably a little bruised up
but uh as clean as rob gets still like the dirty
jacket the dirty stained clothes but at the moment
face is not caked in blood and like the beard
is clean you're a rustic woodsman yeah sure You've
got bum gloves, you know, the classics. Anyone
else here from the Pacific Northwest? I'm from
hell. I'm from hell. Anybody else awfully worried
about that guy back there? I'm from Portland.
I've seen worse. worry doesn't begin to describe
my situation oh i'm gonna go back there and kind
of take a look at him and i want to take a look
at like i mean he's got something in his like
he's got the the biters i want to like go in
and like get a closer look at those yeah i mean
you're you're a man of the world rob you uh know
exactly that these are fake ass vampire teeth
I'm just going to slowly chomp my teeth. When
Rob vacates their seat, Cameron will slide into
it up front with high. Perfect. This big tuna
fuck you sign, is it pointing towards a structure
of any kind? yeah so so big tuna from what you
can see you know in the distance looks like any
off the highway kind of small town like it's
nothing amazing you can see structures it's not
a you know dust bowl there's stuff there um but
it insider information is a shithole uh i mean
I figure we should head that way, look for a
hospital. What do you think? I don't think a
stop here is going to improve our friend's situation
none. But someone might be able to point us in
the right direction and give us some answers
about what's going on. So this RV can only go
about, you know. 50 miles an hour pretty successfully.
You're also having to weave through these, you
know, derelict cars across the highway. It's
not easy, easy driving. There's nothing that's
actually blocking you. It seems that somebody
else has done this kind of path before, but nobody's
actually cleared the highway. And you do hear
the sound of those motors getting a little closer.
Just kind of like. Kind of sitting there next
to Peter, just kind of talking more at Peter
than to Peter and be like. Mount Hood. Active
volcano. This is it. This is the end times, baby.
What? What? What are you talking about, old man?
I'm going to just reach into my pocket, take
out that unripe persimmon, just gag him. Perfect.
So, yeah. Now, Peter, your mouth is very gaped
open because already the falsies make it like
kind of that way. And now you have an unripe
persimmon just crammed in your gob as well. I'll
make my way back up to the front of the RV and
just kind of lean over looking at the landscape
in front of us and just like be like, no. Thought
the marauding would come slower, but it sounds
like they're organizing faster than I assumed.
I thought there'd be more water. So at this point
you can hear the sound of one motorcycle. very
rapidly approaching your vehicle. Yeah, lean
out the window, take a look behind, see who that
is coming up on us. Now, hi, that's interesting
that it was you that chose to do that. This is
a sound that you are quite familiar with. This
is a sound from your dreams and possibly from
hell. Oh, no. Back into the seat, cold sweat.
You see in your side view mirror. the very dirty
visage of Leonard Smalls. Rapidly approaching.
This is a man. This is a force of pure destruction.
He's especially hard on the little things. Try
to swerve the thing, try and run him off the
road. He's quite good at avoiding, but let's
do this. This is actually going to be a challenge
rating of two for you. I want you to... um roll
and then if you give me anything that can give
you bonus roll uh bonus dice on that uh i mean
it's not that it's not that none of those it
could just be straight up one against i mean
it could be like the his his internal struggle
right one of the drives sure does affect the
dice Oh, the drive's always, yeah. I mean, everything
there can affect the dice. Yeah, I mean, Leonard
Smalls is sort of like a manifestation of the
darker side of himself in a way, depending on
your read of the movie. So this is like an aspect
of him warring with his own worse demons. I dig
it. Of course. Who doesn't? I'll take it if you
give it to me. I'll give you that dice. I don't
give a shit. All right, cool. All right, what'd
you roll? A four and a two. well that's a failure
and a failure and i rolled a five so that's a
success for me so it seems appropriate to fail
that check of course a success oh i'm sorry so
it's a one and a one it was a push uh so yeah
all right so run this through what are you doing
to kind of get in the way or fuck with him uh
i'm trying to to weave in front of him so he
can't like come up okay next to us all right
you you were successful you kind of blocked him
out and you end up getting into this sort of
bottleneck part of the highway where everything
is just sort of running along the sides and there's
just an alleyway right in the middle that a vehicle
can get down um but you do see him right up on
the back of the side of one of the cars the cars
on one of the sides and he is still in pursuit
I don't know if any of you fellas are familiar
with this man. It's a dangerous man. I thought
he was dead. I'll take a look back in the main
cabin of the RV. What have we got that's detachable
or just generally loose in the back? I mean,
so like loose stuff that isn't your own equipment.
There's like. playing cards you could probably
pull the microwave off of the wall there's uh
i don't know like dish soap containers and shit
that would just be generally in an rv in like
a kitchen pillows blankets i'll start with the
microwave uh i'll kick open the side door and
try to throw the microwave to deter this uh motorcyclist
from hell He seems to be very distressing, and
I don't think I need to deal with that shit right
now. This is going to be a two for you as well,
because that's a pretty challenging thing that
you're trying to do. I mean, I do have pretty
next level athleticism. Oh, do you? He can hold
himself up by his fingertips. Yeah. No, that's
true. That does come into play. So is that just
two dice for you? I don't have anything else
that I think is going to help me on this. Yeah.
They didn't practice this in prison, you know.
They should have. I know. So, yeah, two dice.
Yep. All right. What am I rolling out? Four,
five, six is success. Double twos. That's not.
Well, that sucks shit. So describe describe your
failure. All right. So I. Cameron just like grabs
the microwave and sort of yanks it off, but ends
up just getting the door and in a puff, just
throws it out, frisbees it, just kind of wings
it off into the distance. So you see Leonard
Smalls sort of unleash one of his shotguns and
he levels it directly at you. I duck back in
and lay down. So he's going to take a shot at
you. Let's roll just a one against one. well
i rolled a one and i rolled a six so you you
take some uh some shot in your leg um you got
you got pretty well out of the way but this dude
is is coming up fast you know he's he's riding
the waves of these cars but he's he's nearing
you all is uh is there like a small like midi
fridge like under a counter or something yeah
fuck it why not I'm going to run back there and
just try and yank that thing out and just shove
it through the door. All right, we'll do the
same thing. We'll do two dice for that, too.
I got cooking. I know my way around a kitchen.
I know kitchen appliances. I'll give it to you.
That's stupid as fuck, but we'll do it. I rolled
pretty well. Got a four and a two. I got a five
and a five. So explain your failure. I get the
I get the. um refrigerator like out and i shove
it to the door but it does not fit through the
door so now the door is now it's blocked and
we're kind of stuck now we're stuck in the rv
okay so this is perfect so leonard smalls actually
has now gained in front of you guys and he jumps
back into the main channel and you see him pull
the pin on a grenade and chuck it back and he
zips forward he chucked it back like into the
road in our path correct And do I think there's
time to stop before we get to the grenade? You
tell me. No, there's probably not. I just swerve
off the road, out of the path, away from thee.
Perfect. Okay, so you kind of careen into these
cars on the side. You're smashing them around.
The RV's sort of like skittering all over the
place. But you do stop. arguably before the grenade
is going to do grievous damage, but it does go
off, and it is going to disable your RV. So now
you are marooned on the side of the highway,
and you can see in the distance Leonard Smalls
sort of rotating his way back around. Does anybody
hurt back there? Raising my hand. Pop the persimmon
out. Does anyone else hurt? The teeth, the teeth
still on it. You've defanged me. You've defanged
me. I took a couple pellets here, but I'm going
to be okay. What's the situation here? What do
we got going? Well, first, you should wrap some
huggies around that wound. Secondly, I don't
know how we're going to get away from this. Insane
man on the motorcycle. You two know each other?
Uh... I wouldn't say I know him, but I've run
into him before. Not so much a man as a force
of evil and destruction. I've also met food critics.
Let me... Let me take that frying pan if you
still got that handy there. i'll slide out over
the uh the fridge i'd like to kind of keep some
cars between me and uh leonard there our motorcyclist
yep and and sort of like sneak up behind as they
approach yeah okay that that works um i feel
good about that you know he's got kind of blood
thirst going on um i want you to just roll me
a zero roll uh difficulty just a straight up
to get yourself and if you have a bonus on that
that's fine but um just let me know i rolled
a six beautiful you are exactly where you want
to be i'll lay out a little trap for when leonard
comes by perfect so let's paint this picture
so leonard is streaming down the highway straight
for you guys um three of you are in the vehicle
he thinks all four are he's gonna probably have
both of his shotguns out and kind of on the handlebars
of his bike, and he's going to start peppering
the vehicle as he approaches. I need to search
the RV to see if there are any bullets that will
fit my unloaded gun. Okay, this isn't really
how the system works, but we're just going to
roll it. We're going to roll the dice for that.
If you get a success... You're going to find
some bullets. That's a four. That's a success.
You get some whatever caliber bullets go in a
gun. Someone else can tell me in the comments
what guns use what. I mean, it's going to take
me a while to find them and load them. So whatever
else is happening is happening. You're in the
process. The RV is starting to get peppered by
these shotgun blasts. Rob, Peter, what are you
guys doing? I'm gonna sit up like a vampire from
a casket. Helena? Helena, where am I? I am your
loyal servant. Is this purgatory? Is this hell?
Do you mean Rachel? Yes, I'm very confused. I
was watching Severance last night. you bitch
they're all the same to me i'm just i'm gonna
sort of walk to the door and then just covered
in blood just like look out that this bike are
going past yeah are you a vampire he just flips
you the bird as he goes by well fuck you once
uh once i've got a clear jump on leonard i'd
like to stuff the frying pan in the shirt in
like a semblance of body armor sure yeah and
i would like to jump out with uh my string to
try to garrotte and pull him down i got it yeah
uh explain explain your string to everyone else
because they haven't seen your character sheet
oh uh well so it's been a few years since the
events of con air and uh Casey has been teaching
me cat's cradle. So I've been practicing while
on my current redeployment to Afghanistan. Yes.
Cause it's the events right after the alleged
nine 11. And I've been hunting Osama bin Laden
with my Rangers unit, but I'm still learning
new things like cat's cradle. Stay connected
to your children. I understand. Yeah. Yeah. okay
so i'm gonna give this is a three this is a three
dude um okay for sure uh so wait now i'm real
dense explain to me again is this like taking
three off of my roll or no no no so i'm gonna
i'm gonna roll three dice against you so oh okay
for you to do a base action is a dice for you
to use equipment which you are is another dice
if you're doing something that is per your drive
or your skills that's an additional dice so that
you can get up to four dice okay so like with
my string and my extreme athleticism uh i'm rolling
three dice yeah also quick point of order uh
whenever peter gives uh a difficulty level uh
you should put that number of dice aside for
when you cage out later oh that's true yeah i'm
sorry i should have mentioned that earlier so
you have a pool of all the just a crazy difficult
thing that's why that's why we all have like
30 dice oh so i'm supposed to keep track of all
of these difficulties yeah you can no one told
me there was homework involved yeah you can you
can use your character sheet you could just put
a note in your character sheet if you want but
yeah so when you cage out later you just roll
all the dice that you have set aside everything
yep perfect okay well then let me do Let me roll
this real quick. My three dice jumping out. Yeah.
I have two successes, a four and a five. You
succeed. Yeah. So play it out. Explain exactly
what you do and what it looks like. So as Leonard
like rolls past on their motorcycle. Gives the
finger. Yep. Gives the finger. Cameron will have
been crouching back like behind a. like a Prius
or something on the side of the road. And I will,
camera will like jump out and rebound off of
the bumper of the car behind them, just extending
up and just catch them with the, uh, with the
yarn garage and just drag them off the bike into
now quite the dirty tussle in the streets, but
take it off their butt. Nope, that's good. You
did some grievous harm with that, too. I mean,
he was going pretty quick as you leapt on him.
So Leonard is surprised and a little damaged,
but you are on the ground in mortal combat now.
Not mortal combat with a bat. Sorry, Peter. Well,
now that's a rude way of saying hello. um he's
going to sort of jam his elbows back into your
body and do do a little bit of damage to you
too plus you know you got kind of slung around
so you're you're a little dinged up at this point
but you're still i mean you're fucking you're
motherfucking cameron poe that's right uh what
is everyone else doing at this point uh i'm gonna
just like kick out the back window window on
the winnebago and like climb out like kind of
like straighten my jacket and just kind of watching
these two tussle and just like look at leonard
smalls be like what's going on with you dude
like what is this what what are you running from
what did you what did you want to be like what
what made you this why are we here You can see
him as he's originally struggling and just jamming
his elbows. He's sort of slowing and they're
getting softer and weaker. He's looking at you
and a single tear rolls down his cheek. And you
have his attention. You seem hurt. I get that.
There's got to be something. I was an orphan
abandoned by my parents. That's a shame. That's
why I carry these baby shoes. Well, that's very
specific. I learned it from someone else. I feel
like High breaks out of the Winnebago with the
gun just in time to hear this, and it stops him
dead in his tracks. Fair enough, yeah. So when
you were that child alone, wanting parents what
this is what you wanted to be this is what you
wanted to make of yourself well i wanted to be
successful and powerful and that's that's this
that's what this looks like to you it picking
on what i understand to be the small things the
things that can't harm you it used to What about
now? Not so much. I'll sort of ease up on the
garage malls. Thank you, brother. I don't understand
your history with this one in the shirt here,
but seems like you two have have a bit of a history
and a past and I don't know. Maybe it's time
to let it go. I mean, he took a baby that I also
wanted to take and that's unforgivable. Just
going to raise my hands and turn around and be
like, no, this is above my pay grade. I'm going
to take my fake teeth from the persimmon, put
them back in, sort of slink out of the RV, and,
like, nose -feratu my way to this, like, bound
biker. Yes. Yes, and? Tell me more. You're just
going to hear it getting close, like... Ah, yes.
Fresh meat delivered from the grave. I know that
sounds disgusting, but don't worry about it.
I'm just going to look at his exposed neck and
just rear my head back, open my mouth, and just
slowly make my way just to take a bite out of
his neck. All up. Cameron will stop you there.
All right now, but... That's not how we treat
people. Are you doing the literal thing that
you do with someone who's smaller than you where
you're just holding them at arm's length? Yeah,
just holding Peter back. I don't feel a whole
lot of threat here, but... Just biting the whole
time. Alright, so Cameron, what are you trying
to do here? I forgot who I was. Yeah, yeah, clearly.
I'm Nick. It's been Chick the whole time. Boys,
I think we got a lot to get through here, but
the crazy ones still might die. I don't really
want that on my conscience. And this gentleman,
well, I think he just needs therapy. But are
we just going to stand about here? Yeah, that's
actually a good point. So you can see, I mean,
this chase took a little bit of time. You were
only about 20 miles from Big Tuna. Still more
vehicles coming, right? There's still more vehicles,
and you're probably only about two miles out
from Big Tuna at this point. Rob's going to start
walking. Yeah. I got to go up and ask Smalls
why he's chasing us. He says, if it weren't for
that weird dirty one, I wouldn't have said nothing
to you. Ain't supposed to be no cages out here.
What's a cage? Oh. Oh. You fool. Well, now that
just ain't polite. I'm going to look around for
any enclosures. Any enclosures? Cages. Cages.
Oh. Yeah. You see vehicles. Son, I don't know
who's telling you what, but there ain't no cages
out here. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And Smalls just kind
of picks himself up. He says, I'll see y 'all
boys down the road. He just takes off. Yeah,
he starts going. He's going to pick up his bike.
And you hear it start up and he boogies on out
of there. You take his shotguns? Yes. But he
left one grenade. No. No. I'm just going to look
at Cameron like, you prevented me from my first
meal as a vampire. And now I'm hungry. Whose
blood will I eat in this arid wasteland? Alva's?
I don't see Alva anywhere. Well, I don't know,
but I'm sure there's a Waffle House around the
corner. I'll just sort of turn your shoulders
and guide you towards Big Tuna. So that's perfect.
Yeah, the four of you, I assume, now are marching
down the highway towards Big Tuna. You know,
it's two miles away. It's not that far. The day
is bright. Peter, I'm sure you are bitching about
that. What with being damned and hating the sun.
But generally, it's a pretty pleasant day. But
about... Go ahead. Since we're all... I'm assuming
the three of them catch up to me eventually.
And since we're all walking for two miles...
I think Rob would eventually break the silence
and just kind of turn to Cameron and be like,
Rob. Cameron Poe, pleasure to meet you. Going
to look over at High. Oh, y 'all can call me
High. Name's H .I., H .I. McDonough. As I'm unloading
the gun again. Nice. And just going to take a
look at Peter and... Just immediately, like,
turn back to walking. Aren't you going to ask
me by name? Your name? I'm a vampire. And I just
start running away towards Big Tuna. I'm a vampire!
I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I imagine he'll
tire soon. We'll catch him. I really don't feel
any need to chase him. Anyone else here worried
about that? It seems to be something we should
be concerned about, but I think it might be the
least of our problems. I've got a great deal
to worry about right now. Like, where are we?
So it's at this point that... other engine that
you've heard for a little while has finally caught
up to you um you haven't walked that far so it
hasn't been that long but uh you see a really
nice big ass car kind of roll slowly up to you
and it's uh driven by one man and in the passenger
seat is another man with little tiny disgusting
teeth and a pencil mustache named bobby peru
and he turns and says how y 'all doing Well,
we just out here on a stroll. Nah, a Bobby Peru
knows when a man's on a stroll. I reckon you
do. We're headed to Big Tuna here. And this is
when the driver leans over and you see that it
is also Bobby Peru. And he says, a Big Tuna?
Well, that's where we're headed. Well, getting
a lift would be a lot better than walking, fellas.
Well, hop on in, boys. Just the three of you?
I reckon so. Rob's just going to point in the
distance at the figure, like, loping down the
street. To be perfectly frank, there is one more
with us, but we're not entirely sure of his mental
state. Now, that's all right. I'm sure the only
thing coming up is is big tuna. So I'm sure your
gentleman friend will pop over there. I'm going
to look around at the horizon and be like. So.
Seems fairly landlocked here. What is. Where's
Big Tuna get its name? What's it known for? Because
I can't imagine it's the fresh fish. Forgive
the rudeness, but it's pussy, my friend. Big
Tuna's all about filming Texas -style pornos.
Well, there's a place for everything, I suppose.
Let's get on down that road. Somewhere in the
distance, Pete and Lousy break up. Okay, so the
three of you are going to hop in Bobby Peru and
Bobby Peru's car. Sorry, let me rephrase. Bobby's
Peru. The visual of two sets of those teeth is
too unsettling. What's really unsettling is that
when they both do that thing where they lick
their teeth, they do it at the exact same time.
That is so, so moist. All right. So you're riding
in the car with the Bobby's Peru and they kind
of zip along and they pull up to Peter Lowe and
sort of ride slowly next to him and turn and
just look. I just like turned to them with my
hands by my face, like a dried beard of blood
just down from my nose, dragging along this piece
of pallet behind me. Yes. They drive on. So the
car goes into the distance to towards Big Tuna
and Peter. You're on the way. I'll stop him after
like 50 yards. You look in the rearview mirror
and just see me like flopping my arms like a
bat running after the car. Yeah, okay, so they
do stop the car. Don't seem right. You're like,
the man is in need of medical attention. Now,
they do pop the trunk for you to climb into.
Which is a blessing. Save you from the sun. I
scurry him without a word. Yeah. OK, so we've
got everyone's in the car and you all arrive
in Big Tuna. And it's you know, it's a small
town. There's some shit going on here, but it's
nothing too major. There is probably a hospital,
but it's probably pretty crappy. But Bobby Peru's
Bobby's Peru take you to just like a motel out
of town. And that's where they park and they
kind of unload everybody and sort of point you
towards a main middle area. of the motel campus.
Is there a doctor in this town? Oh, sure, yeah.
We got plenty of doctors, but I don't think doctrine's
what that boy needs. He's gonna look at his,
like, bloody chest wound. Well, no. With diapers
strapped across it. I will say as a parent, diapers
take a lot of liquid. So. All right. So you all
are in big tuna with Bobby's Peru and they bring
you to this table kind of in the middle. Just
open. You can see people around. They're making
hot pornos everywhere. A lot of big ladies. You
know, it is what it is. It's Texas style. And
out of a couple other motel rooms comes six more
Bobby Peru's. And they all sit at the table with
the four of you. And all at once, they lick their
lips. God, that's unsettling. And you all take
one damage from it. I dislike this a lot. Can
I, with my vampire teeth, just lick in response?
Oh, absolutely. But unfortunately, it kind of
horns them up a little bit. These are Bobby Perus,
after all. I'm just going to look around at all
the big ladies and... You could be my new Sharon.
I think I could enjoy the big tuna. Again, do
you mean Rachel? Well, at the end, he's set up
with like the... Oh, that's right. Right. I'm
sorry. Question me one more time, Mr. DM. We'll
one -on -one questioning each other. I deserve
that one. Yeah, right. Fuck. Do I know anything?
Oh, I rolled a five and a six, so yes. At this
point, I just have to assume I've had a stroke
or some type of massive brain hemorrhage. Well,
especially because as the Bobby Perus kind of
settle down, they each sort of cross their legs,
but they do it sequentially. So it's just around
the table like the wave. Yeah, exactly. So it's
like a chorus line. It's a chorus line of Bobby's
Peru just doing gross, weird, unsettling shit.
And they all lean in at the same time and they
all in the same fucking voice say, you want to
do some crime? Yes. Boys, I think you got the
wrong impression. We're just passing through.
But I do need to know what is going on here.
Well, be a little more specific, son. I see eight
of y 'all. Oh, yeah. Bobos and Bobby Perus are
easy to pull into this world. Never heard of
a Bobo? I got a baby -o, but I'll just pull out
my photo of baby -o. Handsome feller. Never seen
him. You just keep that on you? Yes. Keep that
in your wallet. I trust Baby -O with my life.
He's one of three men I trust. Just imagine your
wallet has one of those like fold -out things.
It's like one picture of your child and like
six pictures of Baby -O. Baby -O and I went through
a lot together. It just seems right that I carry
him in my heart. I pull out my wallet and it
just like drops down to a picture of the Hetherton
contract. Have you seen this? Eight individual
tears roll down Bobby Peru's cheeks. Rob will
just pull out from his pocket just like wads
of like just kind of receipts that have been
there since like before he left Portland the
first time that are just kind of deteriorating
and falling apart and just like drop those on
the table. You never know if you need those for
tax time. What if you got audited? I'm absolutely
not really paying attention to this conversation
because I'm looking for a copy of jugs magazine.
Oh, believe me. Hi there. That's like coffee
table magazine. This is everywhere. I am collecting
copies of jugs magazine. Add many copies of jugs
magazine to your inventory. Wonderful. I'm going
to just lean to like the closest Peru to me and
just sort of whisper in their ear. You could
choose a pair of teeth like mine and become a
real vampire. I've done many crimes. And then
I just pull out from my pocket at a capitated
pigeon. You like that? This one fucking does.
Peter Lowe, this one loves that. And actually,
for the remainder of the next couple minutes,
the two of you just go like at each other. It's
a teeth off. It's a teeth off. Some are big,
some are very small and weird. So are you all
brothers? No, we're all Bobby Peru. I don't understand
what you're not understanding here. Is this like
a George Foreman situation? Your dad named you
all the same thing? George Foreman, rest in peace.
Is George Foreman dead? Yeah, just recently.
Just recently. The past few days, yeah. Wow.
Yeah. I've got to get my grill out. Cage match
is where Sean gets all of his fucking news. All
the world news for Sean comes from cage match.
What are you talking about? Who's dead? They're
cremating George for one that they're going to
try to catch all the grease. It'll be a good
panini, but you know. As we know, the best sandwich,
right? Clearly, yeah. So, no, they seem actually
kind of puzzled by your confusion in this situation.
And the Bobby Perus are sort of looking at each
other. This is normal for you. Yeah, this is
a standard day in Big Tuna. Well, now, listen,
fellas. I've never heard of Big Tuna. I don't
know where we are. But if you could just point
me the way back to Arizona, I'd be perfectly
happy to be on my way. Oh, we don't have Arizona.
We got a Red Rock. But that's not for you. There's
no Arizona. Huh. Why would we need an Arizona?
Utah? Nobody needs a Utah. Do y 'all have a Seattle?
Fuck Seattle. Fuck Seattle. I'm just going to
turn my attention from the one Peru I'm chattering
teeth with. Listen, as a literary agent, I think
I know what's going on here. I'm a vampire. This
disgusting man, there's eight of him. And did
you see all that? This is classic story. I publish
these all the time. We're in a fantasy world
where I could exist and you could exist. And
I just point to the same Peru and you and you
and you. I turned into a bat earlier. Did you
see that? Did anyone see what I turned into a
bat? The driving Bobby Peru is like. Yeah, we
saw something. We saw. It's the limit of imagination.
This is fantasy land. This is where the contract
takes us. Don't you see? Oh, this is where Rachel
wanted me to be, yes. My wound is still spurting
slightly on the table and back on the decapitated
vision. Gross. Does anyone else think that perhaps
we should get this man to a doctor? I'm still
not sure a doctor will fix this, but. I need
my psychiatrist. Eight Bobby Perus look over
at Peter Lowe and then look back sort of to all
of you and say, you help us out. We can help
your friend out. What kind of help do you need?
Yes. Oh, very above board. And they wink at Cameron.
Definitely not an illegal operation. Wink. Why
did you say wink out loud? Because I'm a Bobby
Peru. Well, the jury rests. Subtlety is not my
specialty. And what is your specialty exactly?
Mainly robbing hayseeds. Well, gentlemen, we're
not sure a bank robbery would be the best. No
one here is an experienced bank robber. Anyways,
we just need to look around at our Companions,
clearly no bank robbers in this bunch. Uh, hi?
No? I've never robbed a bank. It would probably
hold you back if we joined you. We should just
be on our way. Fair enough, if that's what y
'all decide. I think, why don't you head over,
see, check out the hospital. And I'll be right
behind you as scooch up to one of the Bobby Perus
and say, now tell me more about this job. This
Bobby Peru is kind of whispering to high on the
side. Dead simple job. Hayseed Bank. Unprotected
for the most part. You got a couple old timey
tellers. You get in there, you get out real quick
and easy. There's some cash. There's some treasure.
All sorts of shit is in a safe. Who even knows?
And if we help you out with this, you help us
out? Absolutely. It can send you right on from
Big Tuna straight to the Emerald City. Dude,
can you help me get back to home? Uh, that's
a concept I don't fully understand for you. But
you understood when I said where Arizona was.
You said there wasn't any Arizona here. We know
we don't got an Arizona. But you don't know how
to get to an Arizona that you don't have. Now
that's a complicated question for a Bobby Peru.
Rob wants to go. He's going to like, just kind
of stand up and like make his way over to the
motel office or anything and just start kind
of looking for coffee maker, George Foreman grill,
like any, any, any cheap cooking accoutrement.
Yeah. Okay. So you a hundred percent, there's
a Mr. Coffee, like, Super, like, 70s piece of
shit Mr. Coffee. It works, like, still good.
Is the coffee in it fresh? Yeah, it's Folger's
best. Just gonna take the pot and just drink
from it. Your wounds are healed. As I'm looking
around, just looking around the office. Yeah,
other than that, I mean, it's gonna be kind of
the... continental breakfast that you would expect
from a place called big fucking tuna uh it is
very old stale bagels and like you know peel
the cream cheese cup and that's about it and
some like plastic knives fill in my pockets you
got it uh put miscellaneous bagels cream cheese
and knives into your inventory please i'll roll
a cameron will roll up here and Pour out a couple
cups of coffee. Smart. It strikes me as odd that
there are eight of them and four of us that look
like me. I just don't understand what's going
on, but I need to be getting home. Nobody seems
to be helping us here. You have any idea what's
happening? I'll drink a cup of coffee. I feel
like we're just passing the pot back and forth
to each other. As I can tell, I've had a massive
stroke. I'm on the floor of my cabin waiting
to die. The heat death of the brain. Only thing
that makes sense to me. But since we're here,
I don't quite trust that those Mr. Perus have
our best intentions in mind. I have been in the
company of many a Bobby Peru in my life. And
I do not think they have our best intentions
at heart. You are correct. Ah, hmm. Did you,
uh, you happen to spot a police station or, like,
some type of authority figures, like, office
on the way into town? I didn't see anything.
Nothing that's gonna help us here. What about
a post office? I'm assuming Big Tuna has a post
office. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. How far how far
away is the post office? I mean, Big Tuna is
actually pretty small. I mean, we're talking
it's a three stoplight, three stoplight kind
of town. You know, there's not a lot going on
here. Just going to take going to take the pot
of coffee and just wander over to the post office
real quick. All right. Cameron, are you going
with? No, I'll bring the other cup of coffee
back to Peter. Perfect. I think they need something
to shake them loose. Yeah, Peter, you were about
to start something. Before you head out, I hand
you, like, a pocket bagel. I'll look at the state
of your hands, look at the bagel, and just kind
of nod. Peter, you were about to do something.
I'll certainly take any bagels that are given
my way. Then with sort of the bagel in hand,
I'm just going to look around on the floor on
hands and knees for any bugs and cockroaches
to put in the bagel. Yeah, there's like pill
bugs and shit. I don't know. You can find some
stuff. It's an everything bagel. Then I'm going
to cram in a nice bagel, a bug bagel. And I'm
just going to start biting into that still with
the fake teeth. They keep getting stuck in the
bagel. I keep putting them back in. Now, hi,
this whole time, you've got a Bobby Peru basically
in your ear just talking about all the treasures
and successes that are in that vault. Everything
you could ever dream of. All you got to do is
this one score, son. Yeah, I'm trying to get
him to tell me, asking him about, like, what
is at the Emerald City? Why would it help us
to get there? Well, the wizard. Wizard? Yeah,
son. Now, might the wizard... Did I stutter?
Bobby Peru doesn't stutter. Might the wizard
be able to send me home? I mean, a wizard can
do all sorts of wizardly shit. tell me more about
this bank yeah so he starts laying out a little
bit more it's not that much more information
that you're getting out of this bobby peru it's
a seems pretty like simple as a job overall not
a lot of guards you know you gotta disarm a couple
people that kind of thing all right uh as as
my compatriots come back to the table uh now
now fellas seems that there's a wizard in the
city over there who might be able to help us
get back to where we came from and uh if we help
these fellas out with a job they say they might
be able to help us get seen by this wizard eight
bobby peru heads nod in unison they all seem
very trustworthy to me so uh Post office. Is
it open? Yeah, actually, Rob, the post office
is open. It's staffed by just one person. I mean,
small operation. Is it a Bobby Peru? It is not
a Bobby Peru. It's just a schmuck from Big Tuna
Universe. I'm going to like go down there, kind
of keep my head down so my hair is kind of in
my face. I want to find the wanted posters. The
wanted posters? You always see wanted posters
in post office, like, you know, in TV and movies.
Sure. That's what this is. So the wanted poster
situation is really just a picture of Bobby Peru.
No, nobody who looks like me. Nope. No, sir.
Do you approach the counter? Sure. Yeah. So the
clerk sort of says, what can I what can I help
you with, sir? This might be an odd question.
Nothing's an odd question for the post office.
You ever... Ever see anyone who kind of looks
like me? Maybe younger? Sort of does a big stare
at you. Can you lift your hair? Oh! Oh, shit!
We haven't seen one of you in ages! One of me?
Yeah, sir. Of course. A cage. Okay, I've heard
this before. What exactly is a cage? Well, I
don't know how to describe it other than one
of you. You look different a lot of the time.
Sometimes skinnier, sometimes teeth different,
sometimes hair different. Different accents.
A lot of Boston. A lot of Boston. But yeah, I
see a lot of you. But not for a long time. Any...
How long? Oh, shit. It may have been three, four,
six months ago. Something like that. Not a lot
happens in Big Tuna, I'm sorry. What about outside
Big Tuna? Well, ain't all that much going on
outside Big Tuna. So what changed six months
ago? Well... There was the message. Message?
Yep. Care to elaborate? I don't know how much
more to say. All the cages got a message, and
then there were no more cages. I mean, I delivered
most of them to anyone who was in Big Tuna. So,
message as in, like, certified mail? Yeah, how
else would you... it's not door to door, you
know, like flower delivery. Yeah. I brought it
to their mailboxes and delivered the messages.
Then they all were gone. How many cages lived
in big tuna? Oh, I don't know. Shit. We had a,
we had a, I don't know, 12, 13. Seems excessive.
I mean, to us, they were just our neighbors.
They all seem mostly. All right. Do you have
any undelivered messages? No, that was the last
missive. I mean, I got some spam mail and shit,
but that ain't going to do you much good. Could
I get the addresses of these cages? Sure. Yeah,
that seems totally on the up and up. I mean,
you got their face. I can't be too mad about
it. Thank you. so yeah you get a little list
there's a couple addresses in big tuna again
big tuna is not that big yeah i'm just gonna
like take my copy uh leave my bagel walk out
the front door uh walk across the street to what
i'm assuming is walk across the street to like
the closest address yeah which is not far yeah
let myself in sure um big tuna also pretty you
know it's a porno city but it's pretty safe people
are trusting here um so doors are open um and
you can see it's a pretty unused apartment um
nothing seems really out of out of line um there's
a a picture of um i don't know what you would
know as like vegas uh elvis's hanging out In
the sky? No, on the ground, but I mean, they
definitely are near a plane. I'm just going to
go looking around for some mail. Yeah, go ahead.
Give me a roll. We're going to do a two on this.
Just see what you get. How organized is this
abode? I mean, this is a guy who kind of parties
a little bit. It's a little messy. There's not
anything like super. coordinated about it. All
right. I'm trying to think. Now I can't think
of any anything to use this with. He keeps all
his mail in the fridge while cooking. That's
a one. OK, well, in this particular house, you
do not find anything. All right. so let's go
ahead and we're gonna speed run this a little
bit um sean because i like what you're doing
um but instead of going like every house yeah
just roll me another uh two and just see if you
end up can i i'm trying to cut through some bullshit
here yeah yeah you mean my game i mean i'm just
trying to get information yeah no this will speed
it up a little bit if you uh get a success on
here um i think i got a four okay So you do find
a letter. It's this kind of gilded letter. And
in this particular one, it says, Mr. Furpo, you
are welcomed back to the Emerald City. You are
expected here tomorrow. And if you are not present,
we will come find you. When was this dated? I
don't know. The envelope says, let's just assume
three months ago. All right. I'll pocket the
letter and go find my compatriots. All right.
In the meantime, what have the three of you been
doing? Oh, also, just while I've been going through
the houses, if there's been any like photo, like
frame photos or photos of like the cages that
live there, I would like collect a few of those.
That's great. Actually, yeah, you have, you know,
not everybody had a picture, but let's say you've
got like eight photos of various different cages.
You definitely got a Bill Furpo. Yeah. Yeah.
And you got a whatever his name was from Honeymoon
in Vegas. Gotta catch them all. I feel like Pete
has just been talking to the communion of Peru's.
And then I told her I couldn't think of a more
horrible job if I wanted to that she had to do
it or that I would fire her. You understand?
The Bobby Perus fucking love this shit. They're
horrible creatures and they are into this. I
turn around to the other cages with me. You chased
her into the bathroom? I turn around to the other
cages with me and wink and like, these are my
people. I'd probably just let Peter talk with
them. Fair enough. I'll stroll back up to the
table while Peter's got all the Bobby's Peru
distracted. I'll just kind of like sidle up to
the other two and just kind of like hand them
a wad of like random photos of us. And the letter.
Oh, yeah, the letter was signed The Wizard. Boys,
I hate to say it, but we might have to play ball
here. This is what I've been saying. He's trustworthy.
I always said, the more gum a person has, the
more you can trust them. There's a lot of gums.
I think we could trust all of these people. And
I think they know what's going on. Isn't that
right, Peruse? And I was just like... Eight Peruse
nod. Like, in my head, they're not saying this
all, but in my head, they're going... Peter,
Peter, Peter. It's probably the blood loss, but
I'm just like cheering myself, congratulating
myself, finally found my audience. And I turn
to the cages. They wouldn't misfile anything.
I don't see that we have much of a choice here.
And we seem to be in somewhat of a... moral and
ethical gray area, seeing as, I don't know if
this is all a delusion or a parallel dimension
or what, but I'm thinking we're probably not
subject to the local laws and ordinances. Anyone
else suffer severe head trauma lately? Just jest.
Not that I recall, but it wouldn't necessarily.
I don't think so, but life is rough. All right,
boys. I turn back to the peruse. No one gets
hurt. No one gets hurt. Bobby Peru's a lover,
not a fighter. And I'm all about finding love
in all the right places. I'm just gonna like
loudly whisper. I think we could have an army
of peruse. Think about the contracts that this
could inspire. A vampire leading these freaks.
Can you believe it? I've never felt more confident.
Alva's gonna love this when she's finished her
time. I'm just... Cameron will just sort of nod
reassuringly and kind of... Push the coffee back
towards you. It'll wear off. He can't be half
forever. I'm just going to choke some more down.
A little bit spurts out of the chest. No, I'm
kidding. Okay, so let's brainstorm this a little
bit. So you guys are going to rob a hayseed bank.
Bobby Peru's, Bobby's Peru are not that. sharp
um and they really don't have a plan other than
going in guns blazing so if you don't want to
do that it is your job to figure out a better
option so if you're really trying to do no damage
cameron then you got to think about how you're
actually going to get in here get the money out
of this bank or get into the vault that rather
can i is it possible that i can somehow convince
them that we are to be trusted and that i can
be their leader I'm going to have you roll for
that. It's about time. How many dice will that
be? I mean, this is a maximum challenge one.
So, okay, it's going to be a three die situation.
I'm also going to roll some additional die because
I have that power. I'm going to roll six. I'm
rolling six against you. Son of a bitch. Fuck
you. I'm rolling for eight Bobby Prues. No, you
charm two of them. Six. For the listener, my
sleeves have been pulled up. What skills do you
got there, Peter? Whatever Peter Lowe skills
and equipment that are applicable for this, you
play it out. My skills, one of them is false
confidence and gear. I mean, one of them like
the decapitated pigeon. They all seem to like
your teeth. I've got fake teeth, decapitated
pigeon, piece of pallet. Heatherton contract.
I mean, the Heatherton contract might be your
ace in the hole on this one. So I think you have
at least those three. What about a drive? Yeah,
do you have a drive that matches? My drives are
finding love in all the wrong places and bat
arousal. Can I slide down like the Hamilton contract
and says, I'm wearing a suit. This here contract
means that we get a fair split of our share from
the hayseed bag. And I'm just going to hope that
like none of them actually look at it, but they'll
be convinced by the contract that this is like
a legit thing. So one of them sort of flips it
towards themselves and they kind of look at it
squinty eyed and then kind of flips it back.
I mean, it's a contract. It is what I've been
working my whole life towards. All right. So
you're rolling. How many dice? I've got false
confidence. They like the teeth. Pigeon. Contract.
I think you're only doing four. Right. We'll
say four. I will tell you, I rolled four successes.
You need to go fuck yourself. Roll hot, Daryl.
Roll four successes, Daryl. Just for the ASMR
aspect. Good, thank you. I have two fours, a
five, and a two. Oh, so fucking close. But go
ahead and add six die to your cage out pool for
later. That's true. You get to really rock that
shit later. OK, so here's what I'll give you
from that one. You have convinced the majority
of the Bobby's Peru. There are some that still
are maybe not trustworthy in this situation.
But in theory, you have, we'll say, five Bobby's
Peru that are kind of like, that's our dude.
All right. I start flapping their wings. Ah,
ah, ah. We're flapping in unison. And I look
to the other three. He's like, you don't know
what you're missing out on. All right. So we'll
fast forward a little bit to you all are outside
of the Hayseed Bank, whether it's a block away,
whatever you want to do for your plan. But you
need to guide me through what you're going to
try and do to break into the safe inside of the
Hayseed Bank. It is literally called Hayseed
Bank. I think. Oh, I was just going to say we
should all put on one of these and hand out legs
pantyhose so we can't be identified later. Now,
in my admittedly limited experience in similar
situations, I think it's important we get in
and get out as quickly as possible. That seems
prudent. Pull the thing on. We should send the
vampire and maybe appoint it Rob the Counselor
in first as a good distraction. And maybe you,
myself, and a Bobby Peru. quickly come in, capitalize,
nobody gets hurt. We just get that money. Other
Bobby Perus, they can watch the back. Sounds
like a plan to me. So let me just make sure I
am understanding. You're sending Peter Lowe,
several Bobby's Peru, and Rob inside the bank.
No, the other Bobby Perus I would like to...
drive man the perimeter uh not be involved okay
so i don't i think they're a little hot yeah
one bobby peru with us for you know yeah i'm
sure well how many were unconvinced to lead us
three were unconvinced yeah so you've got so
so peter lowe's going in with a loyal bobby peru
and a robinfeld and the three of them will will
be a distraction yeah yeah i was gonna say create
but they don't really need to put any effort
into it big tuna's used to seeing lots of bobby
peruse don't worry but backed up with a wild
vampire cage it's true and a slick speaking homeless
cage I could have my creatures of the night swarm
in bad form at the click of a hooked finger.
I'm sure you could. I can. It's like my whole
thing. You wouldn't even understand, man. You
just don't get it, do you? Alright. Seems like
a pretty well -developed plan. Yeah, I like it.
It's good enough for me. Gentlemen, what are
we robbing the bank with? I just got a gun. Pull
out my gun. I have this piece of pallet and a
pigeon with no head. Okay, bring those, I guess.
to say this but looking at peter he's the only
one of us with a suit maybe you should go in
there and try to open an account bless you sean
i love that idea okay so the little bell ding
-a -lings as A lightly cleaned up Peter Lowe,
or is it still just like bloodied suit Peter
Lowe? As he's getting ready to walk in, I stop
him at the door and like remove the teeth. Nice.
Okay. Like dust off his shoulders and be like,
whatever part of you has any semblance of reality.
I need you to channel that. And keep your shit
together for five minutes. I've read in excess
of ten books. I know how this works. Lead the
way, Peter. Me and my loyal Peru, who I'm going
to call Bobby Juan. Can we have numbered all
the perus? Yeah. For sake of convenience, we've
numbered all the perus. Absolutely. But I'm going
to make it annoying in three, five, and six are
the ones who don't like you. Classic Bobby Five.
I'm going to walk up to the bank clerk, lean
down on the desk, say, me and my associate would
like to... disgust they just sweep like the blood
-minted hair out of my eye uh opening a business
account with you you see i have a lot of contract
deals that i need somewhere to put my gold all
right you're gonna this is gonna be kind of the
equivalent of a persuasion role you're gonna
have to roll just a one but you can use some
skills on that uh i'll take the false confidence
uh so let's see asmr uh i have a five and a three
okay i got a one success so um on the push we're
gonna say that uh this clerk is fucking tired
they're hungry they got a turkey sandwich that
they want to eat you know they're like Sure,
sir. You got to fill out this form. And then
I've got to show you a couple different things.
You got to talk to a manager. I'll speak to every
damn manager in this place until I get my account.
And Bobby Peru's got to put some stuff in there,
aren't you, Bobby Juan? Oh, Bobby Peru always
puts something in. He's a hoot. He's a riot.
He's talking about his penis, but he means gold.
Rob's going to look over the counter and see
the like plastic baggy like sandwich. It's like
turkey. Yeah, it's turkey. That's my favorite.
Just wonder bread. It's a lot of bread. There's
a lot of conversations, bread, as in money, and
also bread, he's a chef. Is that what you eat
every day? Well, yeah, I mean, most days I eat
the turkey sandwich at work, yeah. You ever treat
yourself? Sometimes I put some mayonnaise on
it. It's probably time for us to bust through
that door. I think so. Nick, come in. Go up to...
I assume there's more than one teller, right?
Yeah, there's two windows. I mean, it's a small
bank, so it's just the two windows. The person
you're talking to is a younger person. The one
in the other window is an older gentleman. So
I'll go up to the other one with my little...
letterboard with spelled out take us to vault
misspelled out on the board and just slide it
can you explain to everyone what your letterboard
is oh yeah my letterboard is uh when you get
your mud shot taken and they have the the name
i've got one of those but with a bevy of letters
so yeah letters and numbers yeah so take me to
vault take me to vault And you're wearing the
legs pantyhose over your head, correct? Wearing
the legs pantyhose. Okay. All right. So the teller
is a little shook from this, obviously, and they
are reaching towards the panic button. They take
out the gun. And they sort of put their finger
back up where you can see it. I want to distract
the other teller by like describing like. how
i would make a turkey sandwich perfect like fresh
fresh carved like bird like cured meats like
just really get him salivating and not paying
attention to what's happening two feet to his
left yeah all right yeah so so for you rob i
want you to roll um we'll call that just a one
because i think this dude is really hungry so
distraction is high and also really doesn't want
to engage with peter i'm just gonna stare at
the telly with like wide bug eyes while this
is all going on that's a five all right you you
do succeed you have this this person's attention
and um you know while you're describing you know
cranberry relishes that you would reduce down
for multiple hours and all sorts of shit you
know like they are kind of just like tell me
more what would you what's aioli It's essentially
just mayonnaise with like shit in it. Well, that
still sounds better than just mayonnaise. And
that was my highlight. That was my treat. Have
you ever truly lived? I'm starting to think no,
sir. What are you doing here? What are you doing
in Big Tuna? What is life? Fuck! Okay, so back
at the other window, you've leveled the gun at
this old teller, and he says, now, I don't want
no trouble. This is an easy thing to do. Y 'all
can have what's in the register, but the safe,
you need the manager. I look over at the Bobby
Peru to see what he thinks about just taking
what's in the register. He shakes his head and
then grins his tiny, terrible smile. i think
we're gonna have to go see the manager don't
you well shit i was hoping you wouldn't say that
so he uh he he just goes uh harlan harlan i need
you and this old man kind of stumbles on up there
it's like what's going on tap the sign yeah Oh,
and then he looks over and he sees the Bobby
Peru. It's like, oh. It's not even Tuesday and
we got a Peru. God damn it. All right. I mean,
come take a look at the safe. And he opens the
door for you guys. Oh, I'll go back there. OK,
so Cameron, you're going back and Rob and Peter,
what are you doing in this particular moment?
I'm asking the teller who's got enthralled, be
like, what's the insurance on an operation like
this in a Peru town? How do you back this? Sir,
we see a Bobby Peru basically every other day.
They don't hit on Tuesdays usually. That's what's
surprising. I can't turn to the Peru like, you've
done this. You've done this before. All the time.
We love robbing this bank. I'm also going to
turn to the Perus like, who's putting their money
in this bank? Because I imagine at this point,
it's just like the Perus rob it. They like put
all their savings in the bank and then go rob
it again. You're not far off. I'm just going
to give my account. We all have our hobbies.
Can I deposit this please? It's very important
to me. uh yes so you continually distract this
other teller and you give them a dead bird that
they are like i don't know what to do with this
you just you just put it in the bag like it is
now in the bank what's the interest draw by pidget
please They immediately huck it back to you.
Thank God. All right. So Cameron, you get taken
back to the vault and they sort of do the usual
thing. The old man sighing, he opens it up. It's
a two key situation, blah, blah, blah. And they
open up the vault and it's. pretty fucking empty
um to rob's point or to sean's point uh this
town's ecosystem is mostly bobby peruse and uh
porno you know sort of being moved around so
like the bank doesn't have a lot going in So
what you end up seeing in there are three very,
very important objects that immediately leap
out to you. One is the Declaration of Independence.
Yeah. Let's see. One is Jeremiah Sands album.
Lift it down on vinyl. Another is a stuffed bunny.
And the last one looks like poetry. It looks
like a gun that was forged in hell. I will take
that as I'm currently on. So you can have devil's
gun to your inventory. Delightful. This everything
here, I can just grab it. I mean, clearly I want
this. bunny got me into this mess yep uh all
right i come back out wait did you take the record
yeah oh of course thank god we're robbing the
whole bank i'm i'm at least thorough okay even
if i'm a little reluctant perfect so um as you
guys walk out back into the main lot i leave
a note like just letting them know like sorry
i owe you one devil's gun yeah So as you walk
back into the lobby, the doors kick open from
the outside and seven Bobby's Peru come in, guns
pointing. I'm going to wade into the middle of
this. I was your king. Had you put the vampire
teeth in, you would betray me. I'm going to point
my piece of pallet at the wall. So, Bobby's three,
five, and six don't buy into your bullshit, Peter
Lowe. And they have their shotguns pointed directly
at you. Bobby's one, two, four, seven, and eight.
Come, come to me. Together we can rule the night.
One Bobby actually will kind of leap sort of
in front of you right as another Bobby takes
a shot. And that Bobby does take the hit for
you. You really convinced that Bobby. Bobby too.
My favorite Bobby. I don't say out loud. I could
break him back. I can turn him. And I just like
start nibbling at his neck. Oh my God. Okay.
So yeah, you're, you're on the floor. What are
the other three of you doing? Oh Jesus. Uh, I,
I would, I think Rob would just like, kind of
like walk up between like, just to, to the amalgamation.
That is Bobby's Peru. Like, what are we doing
here guys? Well, seems like we're about to kill
y 'all and steal your shit. And then what? Well,
I assume we'll do it again except on Tuesdays.
Question, Bobby. I'm just going to point to one
of the Bobbies. It's Bobby Six. Point to Bobby
Six. You. Among this cluster of bobbies, how
many of them do you actually trust? A Bobby Peru
always trusts a Bobby Peru. But it seems to me
that y 'all are turning on us. Y 'all ain't Bobby
Peru. Say, it doesn't seem like you are the most
trustworthy of people. no sir we're not what
happens when you run out of stuff to rob i don't
know we'll go to the emerald city shit i'm gonna
raise my head from like bobby two's neck it's
a bobby hive mind and i and i am in the epicenter
and i'm just gonna like throw my decapitated
pigeon at like bobby three this is for bobby
two all right now sons listen We got the bank
vault. We'll give you your goods, but let's get
out of here. These people don't need this. Try
to keep that devil gun up. Yeah. All right. So
let's, let's use this as kind of like a coercion
thing. This is going to be kind of a hard one.
So let's do a three for this. Okay. I have my
devil gun. Two dice. Which is certainly playing
an intimidation factor. Could I assist with this
since I was trying to get the bobbies to turn
on each other? Or at least question each other?
Absolutely, you can. Yeah, you've sowed discontent
throughout the peruse. Okay. So we'll give you
a bonus die just for Robin's help on this. Perfect.
Why don't we take this outside? Have a four and
a five and a two. Okay. Yeah, you got it. That
does work. So the perus all kind of like look
to each other, look back, look to each other,
look back. And then Bobby five sort of whistles
in a really horrible way because their teeth
are so strange. They all start backing out, but
they're all still leveling their guns at each
of you. Terrific. I'll follow them out the front
door with all the bobbies. Perfect. I'm going
to weekend at Bernie's bobby too. Just as a human
shield, as it should be. All bobbies, yeah. All
bobbies on deck. I'm going to tell everybody
in the bank. Add bobby too to your inventory.
And I will. They tell everybody in the bank as
we're leaving to lay down on the floor and count
to 946. We'll come back in five minutes just
to check. You hear them start to count. All right,
so you're now in the streets, the dusty streets
of Big Tuna, and you've got seven Bobby Perus
sort of in a semicircle pointing their guns at
you. And you have a Bobby Peru body shield on
Peter Lowe, and then the three of you also there.
Can I try and coerce Bobby2's slack jaw to do
a bad Bobby Peru, like he's speaking from beyond
the grave? 100 % yes, you may try this. Let's
see if I can say to them, just addressing all
Bobbies as one. Bobby! There's no one else in
this entire bank I could possibly ask to share
such a horrible job. You're the lowest Bobby
on the totem pole here, Bobby. The lowest. Do
you realize that? Every other Bobby here has
been here longer than you, Bobby. Every one.
And even if there was someone here who was here
even one day longer than you, Bobby, I still
wouldn't ask that person to take in such a miserable
Bobby job as long as you were around. That's
right, Bobby. It's a horrible, horrible set of
teeth you got. Sifted out for its same bank after
same bank. I couldn't think of a more horrible
bank job if I wanted to. And you have to do it.
Or the bobbies will fire you. Do you understand?
Do you, Bobby? uh okay so that i'm not even gonna
make you roll for that that is successful in
fucking with them but what i want you to tell
me is what is your objective what are you hoping
to get out of this uh just hoping just got so
enough discourse between the bobbies that they
all either turn the guns on themselves or each
other and it's just like a police shootout of
bobby on bobby violence Yep. Okay. We're going
to go... We're going to do... It's a three -challenge
roll, but I'm going to give you a bonus one dice
already off the top because I think that was
a really good power play to use Bobby as a tool.
It's a very confident move. It's a very confident
move. I think that 100 % plays into that skill.
How many challenge dice have you racked up so
far? Little old me. I think I have... Eight?
Seems like a proper cage out moment. This could
be a cage out moment if you wanted to. Oh god,
I could. You know what? I'm gonna cage you out.
Fuck yeah. Roll them dice. Roll them bones. Alright.
Ain't dice. I swear to god if they all fail I'm
killing myself. I'm going the way of the pros
here. Alright. six of the eight are successes
fuck yes nice yeah i only rolled two successes
on mine um so yeah you are successful in this
action so play it out for me daryl you uh you
as peter low have really gotten into the heads
of these bobby perus what what happens play out
the rest of it so i finished that big monologue
i'm sort of behind like grabbing like the wrists
of like the dead perus quite clearly dead but
they don't seem to know uh and i'm like puppeteering
him up just like wildly limply gesturing and
then with my own peter low hand i end and just
put like a gun uh symbol of my hand into my mouth
and say i think all these bobby peru should bobby
do and die themselves bang bang and it's a cascade
of bobby peru heads just pop Pop, pop, pop. And
seven Bobby Peru heads land in the dirt, all
of them wearing legs pantyhose. Spine still attached.
Yeah, exactly. It's repulsive and we're all horrified.
And I'm just going to run and start drinking
the blood of all those necks. So not only are
you fully healed, you have bonus health now.
Yes, let's go. All right. Excellent. So you have
escaped my Bobby Peru puzzle. Did they leave
a car behind? Oh, yeah. There's the nice big
car that you guys rode in off the highway. Yeah,
we should definitely jump in that and start heading
for the Emerald City. Yeah. Can I rifle through
the corpse pockets and see if there's anything
useful dead Bobby Peru would have for us? I mean,
geez, if it hadn't been all the jugs magazines
already taken, I would say there were a lot of
jugs. There's just a shit ton of bubble gum.
You got a couple packs of smokes. Outside of
that, I mean, each Bobby Peru had like a pretty
crappy gun that wasn't really loaded all that
well. You know, a couple shots of a shotgun,
that kind of a thing. They weren't like bandoliered
up or anything. I'm just going to gesture to
the corpses and just take a pack of gum. Gotta
take the canines clean. I'll get in the car and
get it fired up here. Alright, who's the wheel
man right now? I have one question in terms of
the bank. I want to look back in and see if there's
like regular bank teller line and like Peru,
like a Peru line just like. an express lane for
like bank robin the sandwich turkey sandwich
boy was the uh express line for peruse uh we
we distracted the wrong guy we did We just destroyed
the economy of this town. Or maybe better. We're
actually heroes. Yeah, Big Tuna thanks the four
of you for sure. I think you introduced the concept
of insurance to this place. Welcome to Big Tuna.
Fuck most of you. They're going to have to change
the sign now. Yeah, I guess so. Peru free since
83. If I had like a Dracula cloak, I would be
swooshing it dramatically on our exit right now.
Absolutely. Are you taking Bobby too with us?
Is he in the middle seat in the back? He gets
his own grave in front of the bank. Yeah, that's
special. I'm glad you took the time for that.
You got to honor our dead. Okay, yeah, so give
me the situation. So Cameron, you're driving.
What's the other car seating orientation? I'll
be shotgun. And then I guess it doesn't really
matter which one of you is on which side, but
unless we really get into some road antics. Unless
Peter wants back in the trunk. I'm already in
the trunk. I'll just be laying down in the back.
Dramatically closing the trunk on yourself. Hello,
everyone. Thank you for listening to the first
half of our very stupid Nick Cage game. This
is producer Peter saying that the second half
will be coming out in another two weeks. So come
listen to the great finale that we come up with
and enjoy more absolute nonsensical bullshit,
which is I'm pretty sure what you're here for
anyway. um so as always thank you to our supporters
on patreon to our sparkle buddies josh sean josie
rico matt adam bill and stewart and to our cage
dancers ira john freeman lance nathan and cameron
we uh really love your support and thanks for
continuing to be a part of this and for all the
stuff that's going to come next so bye Bye. Bye.