Oh, God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wait, maybe your knives
did it to my knives then. Oh, your knives did
it too? Yeah. Well, I don't know. Yeah, it is.
Your knives gave Peter's knives herpes. Yeah,
exactly. They gave it AIDS. You should talk to
Pete about the cure for that. Yeah, I love that
Pete got over AIDS. It's super cool. It's so
good. Thanks, Pete. But he's dying with that
secret because he's not letting anybody else
get over AIDS. Nope. Sorry, everyone else. Sucks
to be you. sucks to your asthma pete figured
out it's jacking off a lot and peeing into a
crisper you know i'm glad i'm glad we finished
the uh the bracket scene is this this is the
one that'll get us canceled yeah we're off the
rails now say your worst shit i'm not even gonna
edit yeah no that's that's the cold open right
there who do i have to impress now no one yeah
we're really living up here now uh i got us some
buzz balls hell yeah buzz balls buzz balls yeah
it um it's not great but it's also not horrible
right i've made worse mistakes yeah me too yeah
yeah so sean you you had the fun experience of
watching this solo nick and i had the fun experience
of watching it with people and nick has also
re -watched it solo or maybe with josie i don't
know i mean she was there yeah but yeah We didn't
talk, so. I did not rewatch it because I didn't
have time nor desire. Yeah. What Peter is alluding
to is the fact that this is Cage Magical and
a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage. I'm
your host, Sean, here with my co -host. Oh, that
was weird. I didn't like that one at all. That's
a buzz ball. Yeah. Nick. I'm Nick. And our producer.
Peter. Hello. And Peter is. Talking about the
new movie with Nicolas Cage in it, The Gunslingers.
Sean, did you look if it was showing anywhere
near you in a movie theater? God, no. I mean,
to be fair, I did just drive to and from Seattle
in a 36 -hour period and then kind of just crashed.
I wasn't going out. Yeah, that's fair. You could
have gone out that Thursday night, the midnight
showing. It'll be fine. We looked around us and
even for people who don't live here, basically
it was about 50 to an hour away from us. And
the only showing on its opening day was at 1045
in the morning. Yeah. A real banger of a time
slot. Yeah. Fandango's got watch at home. Yeah,
that sounds about right. Yeah. Ooh, it's Rotten
Tomatoes score went down to 5%. Yesterday it
was 6%. Oh, and it started at 7%, so I mean...
Hmm, is that audience or critics? It doesn't,
there is no audience score. Well, let's go rate
this fucking movie. 100%. Yeah, let's get into
it. We're going to balance the scales. We're
correcting this wrong. Okay, so my main critique
of this film is I can't remember... Anyone else
in this film besides Nicolas Cage, because everyone
else is just some version of half bearded white
guy, except for the Chinese guy who had a sweet
ass wig. Sick wig. What's her name? Like Zima.
Zima. Yeah. And then what's her name? Yeah. Yeah.
You're better than I am. What's her name from
The Hangover? Heather Graham. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Well, you can't forget the dwarf of it all. Well,
the real standout of it all, I think, was Stella
Rose. Oh, my God. Stallone. Scarlet Rose. Scarlet
Rose Stallone. Yes. Stella Rose would have been
a weird one. Stella Stallone. I wouldn't put
it past him. I mean, how many George Foremans
were there? It's true. Yeah, she gave it easily
the shittiest performance in the entire thing.
Oh, she gave the shittiest performance of like
my. 2025 i don't think i've seen a worse performance
than really bad that stone face killer well i
want to say like i couldn't keep track of who
was who at the big end gunfight they string up
three guys one of which who is like the love
interest to like fucking scarlet rose's character
i do not remember being in that film at all up
to that point yeah i mean he was in it for just
like a couple like reactions basically he would
have reactionary lines like oh where did bella
go oh i gotta go do things and then like walk
off yeah the villain is recognizable because
his face is all bernie he's got an eye patch
and he wasn't being hung he wasn't being hung
also just start the movie where it starts And
red bandanners. Face bandanners. Bandanners.
Yeah, okay, so who wants to give the plot summary
of this one? There's a town that wanted criminals
go to where they fake their own deaths and start
anew. Yeah. And Stephen Dorff is one of those
criminals. He's a criminal, which we see as crime.
Because he killed a Rockefeller. You can't fuck
with the Rockefellers, man. Yeah, apparently
not. You know, they could have just said that
and not shown us that needless fucking epilogue.
Yeah, it was pretty wild, especially just putting
us into that scene. And it's like, oh, here's
some chaos. I did appreciate all the people on
fire, though. A lot of fire. Lots of people on
fire in this movie. But also his brother goes
up, get shot. near a fire but doesn't fall into
the fire just get shot and immediately erupts
in flame yeah oh his brother being the villain
for the film right yeah so in the beginning in
his defense he was very drunk and very covered
in booze oh i thought you were gonna say he was
a little bit drunk and a little bit a little
horny i mean why wouldn't you you're a bandit
you're there for banditry what do you think that
bandana is for i i wanted to get this movie a
little bit of credit, because they do show, uh,
Stephen Dorff's character when he goes to the
town, like, how, like, they baptize him, and
they, like, they hang him, and they, like, they
show us a hanging, and, like, there's photo evidence
of the hanging, but, like, they have him in the
gallows, they drop the foot out, you see the
body drop, but apparently doesn't die, they don't,
which, you know, they show at the end, you know,
them saving some people who were hanging, but
I thought, like, maybe it was, like, a fake door,
just, they fake it some way, so when The guys
get like hung when the three guys get hung in
the end, nothing happens. And then they all start
kicking ass. That's what I thought too. I even
called it. We were watching with a group of our
friends and I was like, Oh man, the fucking gallows
are fake and nobody knows that they're fake.
They're going to drop. And then suddenly just
start blasting motherfuckers from like these
nooses that are not actually strangling them.
And I'm like, that would have been tight as hell.
Yeah. No, but we did get the best, the best line
read from that movie at that scene, but we'll
get there. Cause we do need to talk about. Nick
Cage. My first comment. The wanted poster of
Nicolas Cage's character is just a photo of him
from the gunslinger. Yeah, sure. I mean, you're
not going to do like two different makeup and
costuming looks. No, I mean, not the gunslinger.
Sorry. Fucking the old way. Oh. The same hat,
the same bandana. It's just a photo, a printed
photo of him, mind you, from the old way. I didn't
even notice that. I didn't notice that either.
That's a good hat tip. But that's really stupid,
too. Agreed. But, like, I don't know. Nick Cage's
character is the only one who's kind of, like,
got a gimmick. Like, you got one dude who, like,
has knives. You have one guy named Doc, who's
ostensibly a doctor. And then you have Nick Cage,
who talks like this, man. And he made a promise
to God to not kill anymore. Yeah, because the
little babies and angels, you got to take care
of them. You got to read the Bible. The Bible
is good. I'm trying to get in there. And he's
wearing those Hot Topic sunglasses. I'll take
a little more of that. My theory is that he was
just paid to put his name on the poster and they
just like let him do whatever he wanted. I mean,
we know for sure that Nick Cage loves Westerns,
right? Like he's super into these. It's his third
one in like. the last like clearly two years
right so there's something about it the storytelling
aspect of it the the history of westerns clicks
for nick cage this movie did not click for me
um i did think his voice while stupid as fuck
was pretty fun yeah I really wish that Patreon
listener John had been correct that it was because
of a failed hanging, which maybe it is. Yeah,
sure. They could have just said so. I mean, he
could have been one of the earlier residents
of Redemption. Before they figured out their
trick noose. Yeah, before the trick noose, which
I'm sure is just like the rope going down because
it never tightened on their necks when they hung.
Right. So it could just hook to like a harness.
in the back the taint yeah or the taint yeah
but a lot to grip there so you just hold the
rope between your butt cheeks and you just squeeze
really hard and if you can keep yourself up you
get to join refuge or whatever it was called
i'm gonna say a couple nice things about this
movie because of all the westerns that he's been
in this is by far the least shitty in terms of
like fucking plot and like shit happening because
There's a lot of like when he gets to when Stephen
Dorff gets to town, like he has to like relinquish
his guns and like all the stuff. And then later
on, there's like a cave where they keep all the
guns where they need to go and get them to like
hold on the fucking cave with all the candles
lit as if somebody was just down there like.
two hours prior and everything is set up as little
pedestal idols with people's weapons just sitting
atop them was ridiculous. I didn't say it was
good. I said it's the best of the three Westerns
we've watched. Fair enough. Oh, yeah, I guess
we should probably tell everyone, spoiler alert,
we're going to ruin this movie if you want to
watch it. We're going to ruin this movie. You
didn't. The only reason you knew this movie existed
is because you're listening to this podcast.
Also, I will contend that Brian Skiba ruined
this movie, but he directed it. well okay i mean
so getting back to the absolute beginning of
this entire thing we sort of joked about how
you can tell how bad a movie is going to be by
how many production houses are you know their
title cards show up oh i didn't go back and like
count did anyone count it was nine nine is a
lot it's a lot that beats the old way by one
yeah and i mean you can tell like certain characters
are in there because of that it's like you put
money from the middle east and now you have a
middle eastern guy in the situation for some
reason oh is that the guy that got shot and passed
out and then like came back at the end and ran
away that got blown up and then yeah i did text
you guys um last night as i was starting this
movie like three minutes into that first gunfight
where the brother goes up on fire i'm just like
i can't tell that this is just another prolonged
title card it really honestly could have been
it was like red bandana productions red bandana
everyone is pretty bad in this movie um the dwarf
like tries but doesn't really what's that gonna
get him yeah yeah also he's bad with guns oh
we gotta talk about the kid oh little miss jam
and toast yeah little jammy bread girl i don't
know what it is but the fact that like half of
her involvement in the film was just eating bread
and jam tickles me so much i think it's because
she was so distracting on set that they were
just like i don't know fucking sit down just
give her some bread i don't know yeah enjoy some
wonder bread and smuckers like fucking shut up
kid yeah yeah her character is terrible heather
graham's character is terrible they don't really
have a point other than like kind of that surprise
twist oh it's actually your kid which is never
really a surprise because like If the brother
had never said that the lady was Heather Graham
was his wife, I never would have assumed she
wasn't Dorf's wife. Right. Like I literally or
legitimately believed that she was just following
him because she was like, oh, that son of a bitch
trying to run out on me. Yeah. I mean, she comes
into town and is like, Thomas Keller, you know
him? It's like, OK, the old lady. Yeah. Super
weird. Was she riding with the posse and then
got ahead of them one day? That's what she says.
She says that she beat up her husband and stole
his horse. Oh, nice. Which is how he knows that
she's there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How do I remember
that? You've watched it twice. Well, the first
time I was remarkably high. That's fair. And
the second time I was remarkably on my phone.
So I will say this movie is considerably better
with people because dumb movies with people.
is at least entertaining can be fun dumb movies
by yourself less entertaining not yeah not not
a good movie not a fun movie not nearly as bad
as i assumed it would be based on everything
everyone had told me i'm like this is serviceable
it's just not good whereas like butcher's crossing
there's no plot there's no story there's no like
it's just a bunch of like footage of buffalo
and nick cage like being weird or the old way
which is just shot very poorly well okay so that
actually brings up a good question for me i know
that we are you know obviously the finest of
film critics um so i'm curious which of these
three was like film production wise you know
director of photography wise the worst because
in my mind this one looks terrible yeah i think
this one is like the worst to look at from my
point of view because uh it just looks like those
i don't know uh early 2000s or whatever ultra
high def like tv shows the yeah the perspective
just seems off like everything is too in focus
everywhere i will agree like in terms of like
just set everything this does look it looks cheap
um i will say i just i hated the actual like
cinematography and like the really bad shot reverse
shot of the old way so much the light the bad
lighting cues in the old way i mean again i'm
someone's gonna hyper fix it on that stuff but
no i just i cannot watch that movie yeah i would
need a refresher but i'm not gonna ever watch
the old way again i'm sure i will watch the old
way again i mean we can do the western triumvirate
get wild wild west i'm sure we could rent the
beacon you know for a triple dip yeah play them
all at three times speed so we don't only have
to pay for one film's worth of time now you're
talking my language baby speed run yeah so what
all of these movies do is the really bad cg blood
yeah like whenever anyone gets shot they use
and are squibs just really expensive i'm sure
i'm i'm sure it's only like three or four like
practical effects in general are more expensive
than just having somebody in china push a button
i bet if you could like screenshot those like
the blood explosions it's the same like animation
just reused yeah i mean probably they're not
rendered move that animation around on the body
wherever it needs to go Yeah. Yeah. It's, they're
like, you know, they're always, and it's just
like, it's one of those things where it's just
like, it would be less distracting if they just
fell down, especially because the animation always
hits about a beat or two before somebody reacts
to it. There were three bodies I can think of
where like a guy would get shot in the shoulder,
stop, fall over. Yeah. I mean, I've never been
shot, so I can't say how I would react to getting
shot, but it does seem a little hokey. i mean
i'm sure that you know impact inertia would like
you'd you'd do more than just like fall over
you'd like move a bit yeah you'd get spun a bit
oh well like depends on it would depend on the
caliber of the handgun i always think about the
uh the simpsons when everyone is shooting each
other with derringers just getting closer and
closer to each other on the subject of shootings
and stuff i find it so funny that like everybody's
a terrible shot until they hit and then they're
always like right on the heart right in the eye
it's like always kill shots or nothing yeah wait
how did how does the brother die ultimately i
was just gonna say get shot in the eye patch
yeah like through the back of all the things
that i remember from this movie that part is
completely a dead blank for me well and get shot
in the head get shot in the eye like eye patch
the hole in the eye patch and then bad cg blood
runs down his face see that's the one like we
we all know little salsa on the cheek yeah you
got it yeah nice and easy the only thing more
authentic is to actually shoot your artists but
rust kind of ruined that for everybody thanks
baldwin Lock him up. Do you guys want to produce
a movie? Yeah, probably. Sure. Yeah, let's do
it. uh what's 15 bucks gonna get us we can afford
a western i'm pretty sure ah costuming oh speaking
of costuming elizabeth will be mad at me if i
don't mention that the uh the knitting on some
of these things is definitely from machines and
not from hands um which is bullshit they should
have hand stitched everything should have been
handmade hand woven everything the first shot
of this movie it shows like new york city or
whatever like in 1902 with like a weird thunderstorm
You mean that sweet CG animated backdrop? Yeah,
they could have said so much about it instead
of rendering that on like effects later. Yeah,
you could have filmed literally any facade of
a building and been like, this is New York. You
also just don't need it. Yeah. Because the very
next scene of him like out West, just like filling
up his water bottle and the bounty hunter shows
up, exposits everything we just saw. Yeah. Also,
that guy was a fucking douche. Oh, yeah. Fucking
peeing in the river. Captain Waterpisser. Yeah.
Fuck him. What was that song he was singing?
Yankee boy, let me go home. Yankee boy, suck
a ball. Yankee boy, suck a ball. I think it was
that. Yeah, I think he nailed it. I know my Civil
War time stuff. Hey, what's up with him being
like. General Robert E. Lee, they're saying he's
going to come back and do this and that. I'm
like, he fucking died 70 years before this film
took place. Do you think he's... Time traveled
slowly back then. Yeah, right. News traveled
slowly back then. They didn't have the internet.
I guess, but if you were part of the Civil War,
you probably know. Okay, so we got to talk about
another costuming thing because it just popped
back in my head. Speaking of heads, Stephen Dwarf's
fucking hat. The second hat that they give him.
What is wrong with that hat? It's camel toe hat.
So bad. It is so weird. Like, I don't know why
it goes all the way up and then just like pushes
the little cowboy parts really close to each
other. It's like lames on top of his head. And
I love it. Every time I saw it in silhouette,
it cracks me up. so many weird costume choices
like the one uh female bad guy who just had like
oh the smoky eye oh yeah yeah what was her deal
anyways so also that like the only costume i
didn't hate was nick cages and it's so just like
it's it's just it's so weird yeah it's not it's
very anachronistic it doesn't fit i liked a scorpion
belt which you know is just nick cages belt that's
pretty cool totally I did have to look up and
yes, there are scorpions in Kentucky. OK, good
to know. I mean, he could have been not from
Kentucky, but. Well, there were scorpions shown
in the like. Opening scene, I believe you. Yeah,
there was a scorpion walking across a little
thing and it's like, that's weird. And I got
home and was like, oh, scorpions, Kentucky. If
this if this movie would have come out. in the
early aughts like around the time of like van
helsing it probably would have been fine because
it even has like well dorf would have been relevant
and credits but it also has like the the end
credit did you listen to the song at the end
credits not a chance it's got it's got very new
metal it's got a very new metal western feel
it's like it's so bad okay sing a bit of it that's
gonna be our outro Rap me the rap part. No, yeah,
you sing. No, that was the 90s. Hey, that's new
metal. It's all about weird rap rock. Ah, fair.
It's the blend, the fusion of style. But yeah,
I give this movie a solid eh. We have to talk
about the best line in the movie, which is fucking
when Nick Cage is trying to save the hanging
guys. Help me! Good God! Help me, y 'all! Help
me, God! Help me, Jesus! Good God, y 'all! Good
God! It just goes full James Brown. Yeah, I know.
It was so bad. I think he was just trying to
channel rock and roll. Like black people. It's
like James Brown. James Brown. Really fucking
strangled. Yeah. Oh, man. I think my favorite
was when they were passing around the flask at
the end. He's like, I'm trying to get into heaven,
but I'm going to have a little bit of that. Well,
I do love a little Kentucky bourbon. Or when
they were. helping the dude who got shot and
they like go to hand him a bottle of whiskey
and the bartender is just like, not that that'll
blind him. And then everybody kind of looks at
it. It's like, Oh, why do you have, it's like,
you've been serving me this for years, sir. Okay.
Wait, does this movie rule? I mean, it's dumb.
Yeah. It's just a dumb movie. It's fun to watch
with other people. That's how it's enjoyable
is just to watch and make fun of. It exists on
that level. It is not something. I, as somebody
who has experienced it both ways, would recommend
anybody do in the latter form of watching by
yourself. Yeah. Or even silently with your partner.
That's also fair. You have to be inebriated.
And you probably should be with at least four
people. Yeah. Sean, were you just white knuckling
it or did you get somebody to watch it with you?
No, I was on my own. Bless your heart. I love
his shaky hands. I love that camera he had that
he never had to like reload the film. Yeah. I'm
not sure how that worked back then. I don't think
it was that way. It was a single plate. You would
like take the plate out and like, yeah. Yeah.
Well, he wasn't like taking like. Shot after
shot. He did during the hanging. Did he take
a couple shots? There's like a pacing thing where
it's just him with the music where it's like.
Hmm. Yeah. Well, of all the things to care about,
his camera was pretty low. Let's talk about glasses
for a second. Oh, man. The one of the coolest
part of his glasses or a part of his outfit.
His bowler hat was pretty good. Bowler hat was
pretty good. I did like the hat. I like the bandana.
Scorpion belt. He was good at shooting a gun.
But yeah, the glasses. When you're good with
a gun, you get a scorpion belt buckle. For stinging.
With bullets. That's like the black belt of gun
-fu. Scorpion belt buckle. I am upset that in
the fight scene where he finally picks up his
guns, he... Like when he's empty, he just tosses
his guns. It's like those are your fucking signature
weapons. Like what does it save you to throw
them away? Just put them back in your holster.
OK, great. You're carrying approximately. Eight
pounds of metal. Probably not a big deal. It's
on your legs. Just holster them. They're your
guns, man. Don't just throw firearms on the ground
and run away from them. Coward. But the guns
are the tools of the devil. Yeah. I'm so glad
I get to do that dumb fucking voice this episode.
Yes. Hey, person who looked at his poster, what
was he wanted for? Yeah. I just looked at the
photo. Butt banditry? I couldn't read any of
that. Butt banditry. Not allowed back then. That's
why he's so into Jesus now. It's like, I'm repenting
for all that ass I slayed. Just crushing pussy
ass. Hey man, a hole's a hole in the wild west.
Pussy's as good as pussy. I had to channel Daryl
for that one. I did Google the old way just to
see if it was the same. I'm pretty sure it was
the same photo of him from the old way. But I
forgot about his mustache in the old way in the
beginning. Only in the beginning. He does shave
it promptly so we know there's a time shift.
Yeah. Which is one of those things, one of those
little details I appreciate in a film. Yeah,
when hair changes. Yeah. Well, I have to say,
I may have enjoyed my buzzball more than I enjoyed
this movie. I mean, for starters, it didn't take
nearly as long to get through. Fair. Yeah. Left
about the same taste in your mouth. Okay, so
I just pulled up the scene. You cannot read what
he's wanted for, but he is worth $5 ,000. Ooh.
Old West money. Yeah. That's in back then money.
Yeah. That's in like, you can still bite the
gold money. Oh, well, did you see the price of
beer back then? No. It was a nickel. Oh, it's
highway robbery. Yeah, that seems high. But I
suppose if you have a weird outlaw town where
everyone is a ghost, then imports might be difficult.
It might be a little more challenging. You're
paying people off and passing it on to the consumer.
Speaking of gold, what was up with the weird
shaped fucking gold nuggets strewn about the
cave room? Also, it was just candles, guns and
like wanted posters and fucking irregularly shaped.
Rhombuses of gold. Yeah. It is just weird nugs.
I'm looking at them right now. Yeah. Just kind
of about. Who does that? Who just keeps their
gold loose in a cave? Fucking weirdos. Jericho.
It's protected by all the guns. Fucking. Yeah,
the guns that just go off. Yeah. A bunch of traps,
Indiana Jones style. So you walk into the cave,
you don't know the right steps. You just get
shot by a bunch of guns. It's just a spider web
of string everywhere connected to triggers. Good
thing Stallone's daughter knows all the tricks.
Oh, Stella Monroe. She fucking sucks. She was
the worst. Absolutely the worst part. All right.
Final thoughts on this one. We got a half hour
of content. We're good. All of it golden. Yes.
Our part is golden, yes. We're at least a 14
% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.
The Gunslingers, don't watch it. Yeah, I say
watch it if you've got friends who want to watch
something with you that is stupid. Yeah, don't
set out on this to like watch something. Like
you're going to be proud of watching later. Yeah,
you can just watch it and not tell anybody and
be OK. And you can watch it with other people
and like everybody swears themselves to like
secrecy over it. That's OK, too. But no one's
going to have good things to say. True. Unless
you're drinking buzz balls. Buzz balls. This
episode is sponsored by buzz balls. Yeah. It's
women owned. So fucking deal with it. Yeah. Go
get your buzz balls. Cage match. Buzz balls.
Wham. That's what we're doing now. We're saying
wham. Yeah. We're going full shock jock now.
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for listening. And thanks
for those of our fans who watch this with us.
Yeah. Thank you for listening. Thanks to our
patrons. Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam,
and Bill are sparkle buddies. Josh. What are
you still fucking doing here? The podcast is
over. Shut up. Yeah. What are you still doing
here? Have you confirmed that these people are
still supporting us? As far as I know. Oh, okay.
Cool. Yeah, give us your money. We got to keep
making content. So anyway, thank you to our Sparkle
Buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam,
Bill, and Stuart. And to our cage dancers, Ira,
John, Freeman, Lance, Nathan, and Cameron. Yeah,
you guys are awesome. Fuck, I got nothing else
to say. We've got this coming out. Our finale,
you've all heard at this point, I assume. Unless
this is your first episode, in which case, fuck
you. You got to start over from the beginning.
um he still would have heard this before this
even if he started at the beginning shut up nick
and your brain steward and then yeah come back
uh pretty soon for our dnd game and the surfer
and the surfer we're gonna do both of those hopefully
a good film yeah it looks eat the rat i i am
expecting this to be as good as as sympathy for
the devil that's the expectation i have set for
this film already and it better not disappoint
me okay so i'm giving myself homework because
i still have not watched that one oh josie hasn't
either so if you want to watch it sometime we
can get together yeah let's do that that sounds
fun um i would like to see that because you guys
really kind of talked it up in a way that i was
not anticipating so yeah it'll be interesting
for me to see if it still holds up uh after A
year? Does he talk like this the entire time?
Boston accent. Oh, ooh, all right. Intentionally
Boston, if I recall. Well, I didn't expect to
end this thing with a rock hard. He has a great
crime jacket. Yeah, crime jacket. Crime jacket,
too. And sick red hair. Yeah. Yeah. All right.
Steert. Baby!