Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Well, this certainly was a movie.
Yeah, it took me.
No preamble, no.
I don't know.
Two or so two or so kills before I figured out like,
oh, this is just why they call it kill chain because there's a chain of kills.
Yeah. Yeah.
And we're just going to watch a bunch of like montages of deaths, basically.
Kind of. And then it stops and then it starts again. Yeah. Yeah.
I was a little saddened when we broke away from Nicholas Cage in the beginning.
Me too. I was like, oh, this is a big 40 minute gap with no cage.
Yeah. Which is like, but only to re show the same scene from the beginning.
Yeah. That was that was all from a different angle, from a different angle.
But so that was only put in there solely to let you know
Nicholas Cage would be in this film eventually.
Yeah. And to create like the initial loop.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
I do think that it was more cage bait. Yeah.
Yeah. It's like, hey, no, no, he's here.
Don't worry.
You don't have to wait until the end of the movie.
Well, you've got Nicholas Cage now. Yeah.
Oh, now just wait until the end of the movie for the rest of the Nicholas Cage.
So I'm going to wait till the end of the podcast to do the intro.
Good. Yeah, I like that.
Yeah. We'll loop back to it.
Yeah. Obviously, we're talking about Kill Chain from 2019 starring
Nicholas Cage and Jason Stackhouse.
Yeah, he is in there. Yeah.
Also the guy from Just Shoot Me. Yeah.
That guy, too.
And to which I responded to Sean David Spade.
And then I was like, no, the bald guy who in theaters like it was a joke.
I'm like, oh, I was very tired last night.
And then I thought I'm like, David Spade, this movie would be great.
Kind of awesome. Right.
Like, I think that's my beef with it is that.
It's not David Spade's not it. Yes, that's number one.
But no, like I feel like if you're going to play up all these, you know,
the very bad woman, the old sniper, you know, all these character names
and everything, it's like, go fucking wild.
Yeah. Cast away. Yeah.
And then they didn't.
Well, so right when we fired up this movie at home,
I had just read an article
stating that like the Writers Guild was advising
its members not to work with Millennium films.
And then it's just Millennium films.
And I was like, oh, it's going to be one of those films. Nice.
And it was. Yeah.
I enjoyed the ride.
Yeah. Try it.
Try and give us a summary.
Whoever wants to take a stab at that.
How about we just go back? We'll ping pong this.
What is like each tell it? Go go for a scene.
You're fucking fine.
So it starts off in a hotel.
Nick Cage is a hotel keeper.
Yeah, he's a clerk. Clerk.
That's the word. He's the owner of a hotel.
So a real piece of shit part of town.
A real shit piece.
Shit piece part of part. Wow.
Uh huh. We'll keep that. Yeah.
Some gentlemen, no good next come in.
And not like me.
I'm a real good Nick.
Continue. Take his take Nick Cage's guns and make generally threatening
remarks about him like having stayed in one place too long.
And when he offers to tell them a story, it then hard cuts to
an old sniper looking at a rice cookers.
Wow. My brain.
Nick, you go, let my brain like buffer. Yeah.
Yeah. So we've got sniper looking at rice cookers
and he eventually gets into a situation where it's like,
oh, no, there's a sniper on the other roof.
Like who's sniping who?
And so we get through that scene with him getting shot
and laying on the ground.
And so it pans over to, I don't know, somebody else
who's going to get shot.
And then that leads us backwards even more to this other person who dies.
And they just kind of progressively like fold away
until like you get back through the origami crane to Nicolas Cage
and this lady.
And like none of the stories like necessarily matter.
Yeah. Or really all interlinked.
Like, yeah, I mean, the sniper getting shot by the other sniper,
then that sniper is in the car with Jason Stackhouse.
Yeah. It's killed.
So the sniper who killed the sniper was the older snipers protege.
Yeah. Right. But none of that like arrested by comes together so much
until like the end does.
But it doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Yeah.
Then there's a lady who's maybe a prostitute.
And then, yeah.
And then maybe her madam is there. Is that it?
Was that the vibe?
I kind of I think or like some crime lord, like her lady was a crime lord.
And that was one of the sexiest stabbings I've ever seen.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I was I was ready to stab a little bit myself.
Oh, no. This is my penis.
I got it. Yeah.
Yeah. And then it all boils back down until you get the story of like
why Nicolas Cage is in this.
I know. Is this Bolivia? Is this very, very confusing?
Because I'm like the sex worker that they were in a school.
So I know that that old sniper brings up as a distraction technique.
She was American.
Mm hmm. Yeah.
All the characters were pretty definitely not of this nation
because nobody had accents.
Yeah. Unimportant. Yeah.
Even though Nick Cage plays a character named Aranya.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and there's that one extended scene that's in Spanish.
Oh, right. That's your version.
And my version, the version I had had a German subtitles for the Spanish.
I was able to follow for the most part.
I like paused it after the second sniper gets shot in the back of the squad car.
And I like text Peter.
I'm like, how much of this is in Spanish?
Because I'm following it well enough with what little Spanish I have.
But if there's much more, I should probably like find a version.
A different version.
And then Peter's like, it's on prime. I'm like, OK. Yeah.
I have definitely done that before, where I like downloaded a film
and just been like, oops, OK, there's no subtitle track to this.
Like the Wolverine.
Oh, man. So much of that is in Japanese.
And then I just sat there and was like, I don't have subtitle tracks for this.
This is all in Japanese.
You get the you get the feeling from it, though.
Yeah. You can. I guess you can translate. Yeah.
Japanese Japanese emotion into.
Yeah, it's totally fine motion.
Yes, I mean, definitely translate that.
So what it all ultimately comes down to is Nick Cage is on a revenge quest
because his ex partner Franco Franco, not Franco's real name.
Franco and him were set to do a drop.
It goes wrong. So like, you know, burn the product, which happened to be like
young girls. Franco adopted one of the girls as like his own.
The snipers were the cleanup crew and killed the rest of the girls at one point.
The cops were responsible for Franco's daughter's death.
Franco went to get revenge and he was killed by the female mob boss, the madam.
You followed this movie way better than I did.
They sum it up in three minutes at the end.
It's not what the only part of it that's complicated is the setup
makes no sense, like in terms of how he like pushed that first domino.
But like, who's important to who made perfect sense.
Yeah. The only part that kind of got me in like and I was like,
oh, at the end of the film, when he like walks into the hotel room
and like the first snipers there, I'm like,
because I thought the sniper was across the street.
Oh, no, no, it was.
But then they even said, like, you know, you only have two guests.
And I'm like, I should have put it together.
So I was like, it's all there.
Masterpiece masterpiece.
And then it completely falls down at the end because the sniper
has a daughter of his own, who's at a University of Richmond.
And his boss is going to go after his daughter if the second
because the second sniper died.
It's like, you have to save her.
And Nick Cage like, all right, ends with him like calling
like this stranger to tell her your dad's dead and I'm going to come get you.
Yeah, I'm a protect you.
Yeah, don't worry. Trust me. I'm the spider.
I am the Aranya, the Aranya.
Those of you who don't
Abla Espanol, the Aranya is Spanish for El Spider.
I read a Collider review from 2019.
Getting a fucking phone call from Costco right now.
All of Costco.
Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.
Put them on the podcast.
I'm not a scab and I do not respond to such.
So I was reading this Collider article
because there's not a lot of stuff about this movie out there.
Yeah, really.
People aren't just talking about so many people in this movie.
So this guy, Chester C. Jones, wrote.
This is my favorite paragraph from the ideal way to watch.
This is sprawled out on your couch while you work or surf the Internet.
Watch another TV show, eat a burrito or just sleep.
Anything really?
Think of it as a cinematic equivalent to ASMR.
And that's actually exactly how it was for me.
Like I could not have summed this movie up like you did
because I basically went into a fugue state during almost all of it.
I was I was intrigued by the whole thing.
I don't know why it's not good, but I was just like probably because no scene
lasts for like no part of this movie is more than a five minute movie.
So just every time I'm just like kind of like, yeah, it's like, oh, so new.
Yeah, a new part.
That is true. Entirely new people.
I just like dead stared at the TV for like 40 minutes,
like Nicolas Cage is coming back.
We're going to get back to this.
You're white knuckling it.
Yeah. Josie's already asleep on the couch.
The dogs are just doing dog stuff.
And I just have to sit there and watch Kill Chain.
So did anyone else look up?
Did anyone look up what this director has done?
Yeah, he did. He did four episodes of numbers.
Ooh. But he also did the replacement killers.
Yeah. It's probably like which numbers.
Seven. OK, I like that episode.
Yeah, I think also 14 and 12, actually.
Oh, OK. Good. Good numbers. Yeah.
I mean, but he probably best known for directing the replacement killer.
He was actually just the writer for that. Oh, he was.
Yeah. Somebody else directed that one.
Anyway, yeah.
But I mean, that is what he is certainly best known for in a good movie.
Yeah. But yeah, I look.
What happened to Cheyenne fat?
I know he was in that horrible Dragon Ball movie.
Yeah, boy, that was a fucking movie.
I think you're in the back.
Yeah, old fat.
I should. I hate that.
I laughed at that, too. Yes.
Encourage me. No.
You're going to be Peter's problem soon.
That's true. Yeah.
I mean, I had a really cool career and it does seem like he just sort of stopped.
Probably just went back to, I mean, just doing Hong Kong and cinema.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, he's like a fucking hero over there.
So I mean, he is kind of like sweet pocket in the wind.
Sweet pocket.
When did a crouching tiger come out?
I mean, we were children.
Yeah. I mean, we were pretty young.
I would guess it was like 1998.
Yeah. 97, 96, 2000.
I danced around it.
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Replacement Killers was directed by Antoine Fuqua.
Oh, yeah. Fuqua.
What else did he do?
What else did a different director do that isn't related to kill?
He did the equalizer.
Well, this is a director chain training day.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The Magnificent Seven, the bad one.
Oh, Olympus has fallen.
Oh, that that's the White House movie.
Yeah. Yeah.
I watched that one time, like very hung over or something.
I was like, this movie sucks.
Like, what the fuck was that a renter seeing that?
No.
Uh, Olympus has fallen is Morgan Freeman.
And I was going to say it sounds like a dead zone.
Washington, it's a Gerard Butler.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
All right. That makes sense.
That is, yeah, kind of renter adjacent.
What is and then there's the other series
that's more or less the same with Channing Tatum White House Down.
That's the one.
Yep. Very similar.
You know, this shit would never would have happened
if we would have elected President Harrison Ford for a second term.
It's true.
I think my favorite kill was one of the more subtle kills in this movie.
In the kill chain.
Mm hmm. I liked the poisoning.
Oh, yeah, that was a good one.
Yeah. The poisoning was a good kill. Yeah.
What was your favorite kill?
Uh, other than sexy stabbing.
Sexy, sexy stabbing could be your favorite kill. That's fine.
Yeah, I don't know.
This movie is kind of like pretty sedate until like in terms of like
the violence until it's not, because when the guy gets his brains
blown out in the car, that's pretty like visceral.
But when dude gets shotgunned.
Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. Shotgunning.
Yeah. I did enjoy the Jason Stackhouse, Miguel argument.
Death. Oh, yeah. The car shootout. Yeah.
I what annoys me about this chain of kills is these like professional killers.
It's like, OK, I'm going to like sneak the door open to get him to come out.
I'm like, I don't think that's an armored car.
Just shoot through the door.
Yeah. Right. Just shoot through the fucking door.
It's like a Toyota.
Like, come on. Yeah.
I did enjoy the like, oh, the feeder coming down.
He shoots him right through the legs. Oh, he's collapsing.
Oh, it was the corpse. That was kind of sick.
That was that was fucking Jason Stackhouse dips his head down on the other side.
It's like, oh, I got you.
His is the only death we don't see.
We just hear him. Yeah.
Because the crazy. He gets tortured. Yeah. Right. Right.
And then she like kidnaps that guy to drive her down to the hotel. Uh huh.
And then does kind of a little sexy strip tease in the back.
And she's like, you can look, but don't don't crash the car.
I don't care if you look so weird.
So he looks a lot. Yeah.
Until she just takes the mirror with Nicholas Cage.
Yeah. That's the part that annoyed me the most is she when she like tears off
his rear view mirror.
You got to do my makeup.
But then, yeah, there's the needless sex with Nicholas Cage.
Just so she could say she had sex with Nicholas Cage
when like people come and look for her.
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, it didn't make a ton of sense.
It's like, oh, this is going to inspire him to help me. Right.
I mean,
newsflash once they have the sex, it's it doesn't matter.
Yeah. Like.
But he's also maybe an assassin who's like seen too much or like kind of over it,
because that was the reason and reasoning for the handler gave for retiring.
The older sniper was just like, you've lost your edge.
You don't drink anymore. You don't fuck anymore.
That's right.
Like, you're not drowning your sorrows of the horrible things you've done.
And we're worried you're going to talk.
You found peace.
We don't like that too much time.
Just looking at yourself in the mirror.
Now, it's no bueno.
See Spanish. Yeah, right.
It sounds very good. The Iran. Yeah.
I don't just traveling with a rice cooker seems like a pain in the ass.
It really does. It does. Yeah.
I mean, unless you like store some shit in there also, they have to clean it.
And it doesn't look like he's saying at the most reputable places. That's true.
I do like that.
He's looking into a travel sized rice cooker.
And the question that like knocks him out of it from his daughter is just like,
how much does rice cost?
Like wherever you go, how much is rice?
It's cheap. Just don't even a dollar.
Yeah. You clearly have money as you keep sending money to me for my schooling.
I thought one of the things about this movie that actually looked pretty good
is the fact that it looked pretty good.
Like it's shot well. Shot well.
A little shaky little shaky cam, which mean whatever.
But I like the lighting palette.
You know, I thought that was cool.
I mean, the cage is fun in this.
I like when he's telling his story.
I did. He is a fun guy.
I did hate that.
It starts off with like, you want to hear a story and then it cuts to dude in the room.
And then we go through the kill chain and then it just gets back to like,
you want to hear a story. I'm like, so that wasn't the story.
Yeah, here's a different story.
But I just like when he's kind of doing his monologue
and one of the killers like there's the guy he poisoned that's on the table
that we know is dead.
But one of the train killers like this guy's dead is like, yeah, I poisoned him.
I was about I was just getting there.
It was part of the story. You're jumping ahead.
And that one guy's just really mad that he wasted half
of his life listening to this story.
Just like the rest of the audience.
I loved it. Kill chain.
Kill chain. I would put this above retirement plan.
Oh, we were dead wrong. Yeah.
That's a wild assessment.
I know you really did hate retirement. I didn't hate it.
I just didn't think anything of it.
Well, I can say definitively that this movie has zero bobos.
It does have zero bobos is a no go for me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, the fact that it completely rolled off of my brain
and I watched it two days ago, I'm like, I can't.
I can't put this above retirement plan, which I still think about.
So I don't.
I do think about it.
I like I like old Nicolas Cage a lot, though.
I like seeing him just be old.
Yeah, kind of his bad ass grandpa mode is cool.
I mean, this definitely fits in that
this should have been straight to DVD.
It could be the same character.
It could be. I mean, that's the thing.
This fits into that like little pocket that of
Nicolas Cage is just kind of a guy who might have a shady past.
Your he's got a beard.
He's got a beard.
But I'm thinking of what's that one?
Red Rock West, a mirror window or whatever.
Yeah. Like it's just like Nicolas Cage.
Shady past. Something happens.
He leaves looking glass, looking glass.
There we go. The one where he creeps. Yeah.
Yeah. So let's see.
Twenty nineteen is when this came out.
So before that, he did between worlds into the Spider-Verse.
OK, score to settle, which we haven't watched,
which looks like exactly the same thing. Yeah.
Color out of space, running with the devil,
which I think everyone we've talked to who has a cage podcast is like that movie sucks.
Yeah. And then Kill Chain and then Primal and then Grand Isle
and then Jiu Jitsu like, oof.
I would put this on par with Jiu Jitsu. It's a rough lead up.
Yeah. So 2018, 2019 is a hard zone.
I mean, between worlds was fun for its own reasons.
Color out of space banger. Yeah.
And Primal, obviously, we know what Nick thinks.
Fucking rocks.
I was just thinking about between worlds, the
weird like, oh, choke me, fuck me.
I need to see dead people sex.
Oh, man. What a what a classic.
That's such a weird movie.
I'm going to watch it.
It does give us the cage poems.
There's a YouTuber I follow
who recently I haven't watched the episode yet, but I saw it came up in my feed.
It's like I found the worst Nick Cage film, so you don't have to watch it.
And it was between worlds.
Like I need to know.
I need to know what this person thinks of this movie.
Man. Yeah.
Like I can't say that I would recommend anybody watch Kill Chain,
but I also can't say that you shouldn't.
I mean, it's it's a solid 90 minutes.
Perfect. It's earned that five out of 10 flat rating.
Oh, it's no, it's a very flat film, but it's not bad.
It's entertaining.
And it's like the first half is bad.
And then the second half has Nicolas Cage.
Yeah. I think that's where I got the five stars for his performance
and then zero stars for everything else.
Yeah. I think it's like, yeah, I mean, it just it goes as such a clip.
I think that's probably why I didn't have a problem with it
when it's not Nicolas Cage, because none of those characters you get
invested in, they're just there to die and sometimes interesting ways.
I would recommend people watch it.
I don't think I could watch it a second time because it's like, oh, yeah.
OK, I've seen it.
Like, it doesn't matter how fast it goes, like, I know what's up.
I know it's next.
I might just watch the cage again.
Yeah. Yeah.
You could basically skip 40 minutes in.
Yeah. Just be like, all right, I can watch this.
I can watch 50 more minutes.
Mostly of him. Yeah.
Performance thoughts.
I don't even know.
I mean, kind of hit on it already.
Cage was good.
I can't not remember the guy's name from Jason Sackhouse.
Now from just shoot me.
Not David Spade.
David Spade.
Do you remember that he was in just shoot me just because somebody just shot him?
Ha. He was also in Veronica Mars.
Yeah. Enrico Colantoni.
Yeah, he's got a wild name.
Wacky his name for, you know, also a white dude.
How terrible was his like attempt at hiding his accent?
Like rough every time he opened his mouth, it was just like,
what the fuck are you doing?
Just use your normal voice.
I like to talk like this.
Oh, here's some hot trivia.
What kind of facial hair do you think Nick Cage wanted for this?
Go ahead of our mustache mustache is correct.
I don't know about handlebar, but
oh, it was shot in Colombia.
Yeah, OK.
Colombia. That tracks.
Yeah. All I knew is that it was shot in a school zone
because every aerial shot just said Escola's own.
It's like a school zone.
And they just kept circling that school zone.
Pretty cool zone.
School's own school zone.
Yep. More Spanish from Nick.
Any final thoughts on this one?
Just one.
Welcome to Cage, medical and around about way of meeting Nicholas Cage.
I'm your host, Sean, here with my co-host Nick and our producer Peter.
Hello. And you better not fucking put this at the beginning of the podcast.
Like, no, I'm not good on this podcast.
We take 64 Nick Cage films and break them down or review them.
Bracket, bracket style until we find the cages film.
Texas style that doesn't matter for this episode because this is a bonus episode.
Yeah, this is not part of the bonus.
I told I told Nathan yesterday we were I was watching kill change.
Like, but that's that's not on the bracket.
And I'm like, no, it's not.
We need to kill time.
Yeah, sometimes we like filler and hopefully you do, too.
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
If you don't, well, you can just ignore this episode.
I mean, we're going to watch these movies regardless.
Yeah, we'll get there eventually through the entire catalog.
We have to draw some lines, I think, of like running with the devil.
Well, no, I mean, I think that that's something that we would watch.
I think we have to figure out, like, if he's in it as a cameo, I don't care.
Yeah. Unless unless this is really amazing.
Like this should have gone in instead of Jiu Jitsu
in terms of like a mount of Nick Cage and how important he probably.
Yeah, I mean, I would have to look back at the,
you know, exercise and insanity that I did and see if I even had this on the list.
I watched so many trailers that night.
You came back a different man.
It's true.
Came back changed.
Shock of white hair.
Exactly. Haunted deep set eyes.
Bifurcated penis.
Claspers, man.
These are callbacks.
I listen to our old episodes.
Yeah, they're funnier.
I told him to listen to an episode and he was like, OK, I guess I'll try one.
And I don't think he's going to listen to it.
Mm hmm.
Horn quack, whatever, whatever.
He won't listen. He doesn't know.
Yeah, that's true.
This is the doxin.
This is the episode listens to.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, this would be a terrible first one.
I don't know.
I don't think saying someone's name is doxing them.
No, I suppose not.
I mean, if you have a very, very particular name, it is a bit, but I mean,
when I give up his address, that's doxin.
Yeah, that's a bit much.
Where he hangs out.
Tell people where his height of key is.
Yeah. All right.
Chain of kills.
It did it. It did.
Yeah, they did kill in a chain.
It satisfied its movie title name.
Neat. Yeah.
All right. Well, thanks for listening to a bonus episode.
You can find us on social media at Cage underscore match underscore pod.
You can find us on Patreon if you want to support us.
Special thanks to our sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam
and Nathan. No, Nathan Nathan.
Yes. And to our cage dancers.
Oh, and Bill and Bill Bill.
And to our cage dancers, Ira, John Freeman, Lance, Nathan
Cameron, you have a list somewhere, dude.
Yeah, man, I'm rusty right now.
We haven't recorded in our usual cadence.
No, we haven't.
I figure I got most of those right.
I think Nathan is a cage dancer, though.
That seems like their vibe.
Yeah. His vibe is vibe.
That seems like his vibe.
Yeah. All right.
Don't use the cowards. I know.
Pay us money. Yeah.
Give me, give me, give me for good, high quality stuff.
Actually, pay us money.
We'll forget your name. Yeah, exactly.
You can hear me. Fuck it up a bunch every time.
I won't forget your name because I'll have never learned it.
Never kiss him on the lips.
Yeah, you got to leave him wanting. Bye bye.
So did anyone else think when he was telling the story about
Franco and the daughter disappearing that he had sex with his like
adopted like niece?
Yeah, kind of.
I don't know. It was very like I was just like, wait, wait,
what is that supposed to be the girl is why are they telling us the story?
I don't like the story anymore.
Oh, no, no.
And then it made more sense like, oh, good, good.
That poor girl just died.
Yup.