Oh, God. Oh, my God.
One of these days, I'll give you an episode where you can just say whatever you want.
It'll just be a talk about hot dogs.
That's awesome. Yeah, I almost got a hot dog tattoo.
Fuck, yeah.
I was just up at the punk rock flea market and I was just talking to the tattoo artist lady there
and she was just doing like flash shit and she didn't have any hot dog ones.
But I talked to her and I almost got and I'm working on this now for later
because I've expanded it since this morning last night.
But I'm going to get a hot dog like an anthropomorphic hot dog.
Maybe Sean will draw this out for me, like with a ketchup bottle or like
kind of just squeezing it out.
So like arcs out.
But then there will be a second hot dog in front of it just getting splattered on the chest.
I'll put that right here on this bicep.
And then over on this one, I'm going to get a third hot dog
who just looks horrified at the situation.
So when I give them one of these, it's just like a sex show.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Oh, yeah, that paper's got to go.
I know I'm getting it off like the cheese and everything.
Make sure to eat directly into the microphone.
I will. I tipped it up so that way you wouldn't have to hear it.
I'm just not going to talk for like six minutes.
I'm just muting you for a little bit.
We've had that option the whole time.
Yes, we have this power.
Does he always make it this clear in advance when you're going to want to mute him?
No. No.
Yeah. Bummer.
I get some cues every once in a while. I'm like,
oh, yeah.
All right. So USS Indianapolis, colon, men of courage.
Speaking of colons, welcome back to Cage Match, colon around about
meeting Nicolas Cage.
Nick's muted. He can't complain. Good enough.
I'm your host, Sean, here with my co-host.
Nick, I'm Nick and our producer, Peter. Hello.
You can meet him again. That's true.
And our special guest this week.
Welcome, Aaron. Hi, Aaron.
Aaron, how do we know you?
Well, I do live next door to Peter,
but more importantly, he came to an event I run periodically called Shark and Whiskey
Night, which made him believe I just might have something to offer
on a podcast about Nicolas Cage and a lot of sharks.
Yeah, this is his only shark related movie, as far as I know.
I mean, he has a lot of back catalog that we haven't gone through,
but it seems like this is the only time that he would have encountered a shark.
Has he been to an aquarium in any other film we've seen?
I mean, it seems like something that would have been in stolen, but no, he didn't.
Thanks for unmuting me. You're welcome.
You're back in action. Now eat that sandwich right on mic.
Mm hmm. Describe it for us.
It's a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel
purchased from the bagel shop next to my house.
There's too many things on a bagel.
But it's three. That's not everything.
Yeah. Now you're muted, Sean.
Yeah, fuck off, dude.
Words have meaning.
OK, so USS Indianapolis, Men of Courage.
I actually had not even realized this was a movie that he was in,
let alone anything about it.
I'm sure I've seen the cover for this film without paying attention
to like it too closely and thought it was Battleship.
Oh, remember Battleship? Yeah, that was weird.
That is weird that they made a movie out of that with it has to do with aliens.
Strange. Like, why not just make Tetris at this point?
Didn't they do that? Aren't they doing that?
I'm sure at some point they will. Yeah.
I just can't wait for Operation.
Oh, yeah. Some guys got a bomb or something inside of him and
one on a raves has to like, yeah, his son, it's his funny.
Bones explode. Yeah.
Bury the placenta at the end. That's how it always goes.
Yeah. And then a tree grows.
So wait, did you bury a tree seed with it?
No, no. Apparently,
doing a placental burial is like not always the best for trees.
So you're supposed to let them sort of enrich the soil.
Like for what happens if you plant a tree with it, does it like grow
like extra limbs?
Has it become this like Lovecraftian whore? Absolutely.
And it calls it a tree seed.
Absolutely. And it calls everyone daddy.
Is it just sort of like a full metal alchemist situation?
Absolutely. It's that just like homunculus goop person.
And plant.
Homunculus goop is my next dnd character.
It's a good character name.
Homunculus goop is like your sex life.
You.
So Aaron.
I wish I didn't laugh.
I'm going to cry now.
I'm glad you did it.
It took the sting out of the out of my words.
Yeah.
No, I enjoy a good burn.
You had seen this movie before, correct, Aaron?
I had not.
Oh, I thought you had.
No. In fact, when movies like this come up, as they do,
when you consider it your purview to pay attention to shark movie releases,
when you realize it's based on a true story, you pretty much immediately
throw it out and say, this is not the right movie.
For shark and Whiskey Night, there's a kind of self-seriousness
that we're not really going for.
Yeah, there's not.
I assume there's not enough like what has man or rot in these films
to justify like the shark attacks.
Correct.
Now the level of CGI though is probably about on par with many of the
ilk of shark and Whiskey Night.
Yeah, I would say it's pretty near the median in that regard.
Aside from some of the sea movies that just like the
1995, you know, Kid Pigs graphics.
Sure.
Okay, we keep throwing around the word shark and Whiskey Night with no context.
I mean, there's context there, but you want to explain this a little more?
Give us a little more detail.
I do like the idea that everyone just has to imagine what that means.
But yeah, the gist is really just an event that started out as a group of
friends watching shark movies, obviously quite bad shark movies
and making and drinking whiskey drinks.
And it managed to take on a bit of a life of its own.
We've had maybe 35 or so.
If you're watching, you know,
35 or so events that now we rent out a theater and put together a little
production for folks.
And one of the things that brings in new people and helps them
become a part of it is that we run shark trope bingo in which we
help draw attention to an audience engagement with the fact these movies
tend to hit on some familiar themes.
So this shark bingo card that I've got here, that's not specific to this
movie. It actually existed without this movie.
It existed independent of this movie.
It sometimes gets a one or two category changeover, but of the 24 categories,
you know, 22 or so remain constant from movie to movie and reliably generate
bingos at the type of movies we choose to screen.
This movie could be a different story.
I have some questions about the card.
What is cream?
Oh, there's also the bingo key.
That's the other image.
Yeah, yeah, cream is a it's a Wu Tang.
So casuals everything around me.
Yeah, you may be familiar with the trope that sometimes greedy developers,
oil drillers, even people running a major local tourism event
don't want the flow of money to stop and are willing to expose people to shark
related danger.
Ah, like keeping the the beach open.
Gotcha. Much so.
Um, OK, explain breasts to me.
No, slowly.
Yes, sensually often a precursor to the cream.
So, OK, I got a question.
If you could take a non shark movie and add a shark into it for maximum effect,
maximum shark and whiskey, what where would you put the shark?
Like one shark where?
That's great.
That's a really great question that I don't have a great answer ready for.
So I'm going to ask for a little help from the hosts here,
which is to say for the event, the ideal thing would be to take a shark
and put it into a movie that famously features whiskey.
Can anyone help me with a piece of cinema that famously features?
Lost in Translation.
Leaving Las Vegas.
Leaving Las Vegas is also a good choice.
Living Las Vegas is a great choice for this podcast.
I actually yeah, I would say Lost in Translation is both like a
college aged favorite film of mine and one that I do still strongly
associate with Suntory Whiskey.
Yeah, so yeah, I don't think I want to be in charge of choosing
where the shark goes into Lost in Translation, but I do want it to be there.
Just somewhere in the bed.
Sure.
Maybe in the karaoke room.
Yeah, just just a shark doing karaoke.
I say we just replace Scarlett Johansson with the shark.
What do you think she whispered to him at the end?
I'm a shark.
I was always a shark.
I would go color out of space and I'd put the shark in the well.
Oh, yeah.
And then just at the very end, for some reason, a shark eats
the boy and then disappears.
Good, good shark involvement.
I would say Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
It's just one of the Oompa Loompas.
Mm hmm. But where's the whiskey?
Oh, I mean, fucking Willy Wonka's used on some sauce.
And for sure, I was thinking about this on the way over.
And if I had to do a non whiskey movie, I think I would do that.
What's it called? Like 128 days late.
One hundred and twenty eight days or hours.
I don't know the one where twenty eight years later.
No, the one with the rock climber is stuck.
So just put the shark.
Just put the shark under him.
Added element of danger.
The extra danger.
Now it's like, do I get my arm free and fall into the shark or do I sit here and.
Oh, so he's like, run and hanging.
Yeah. No, it's that true story.
Like, no, no, I remember that part, but he was like sitting on the ground and stuck.
Well, I mean, he could be stuck in any manner.
Where is our movie now?
Yeah, right.
The fact that it's that hard choice between the two.
Yeah. I don't know if you're aware that in the last two weeks or so,
Donald Trump at one of his rallies had a nice rambling aside about sharks.
And he basically just told the story that made no sense,
but no context about how because of new electric green washed boat stuff,
you might have to choose between getting eaten by a shark and getting electrocuted.
You have an electric boat goes down.
Yeah. Stay in the boat and get electric.
And he's like, which one?
Which one would you do?
Would you get eaten by the shark or electrocuted?
I guess I would just turn my boat off.
Also, and your thing about James Franco gets pinned under a rock.
I'm rooting for the shark.
Oh, sure. Based on what we know about James Franco now.
Well, and we know that once he falls in the water, there's danger
because it would be blood in the water.
And that's what sharks love.
Yeah. Yeah.
As we learned often in USS Indianapolis.
You know, you think the sharks would have shown up if it weren't for the irony
of those guys like being freaked out by sharks.
Yeah, I think that's some love irony.
Hmm. I mean, it's in the blood.
Yeah. Yeah.
I hear any content.
It was a good one. I like that.
Keep that in Peter.
They're all going downhill from here.
You know, I'm keeping it in.
So before you got here, Nick, we were talking about like
it seems insane to me that there were that many sharks
in the water when the boat goes down like one.
They were just massive torpedo explosions and a giant fucking ship going down.
And all the sharks are just like, let's go see.
Yeah. It is weird that they were kind of pedestrian
onlookers in this situation.
But I could see like one shark
showing up and then more following.
Like, you know, you get the whole frenzy thing.
You get that right.
You know, shark calls his buddies.
Yeah. On a shark phone.
Yeah. Known families of sharks, you know.
Should we do sharks use flipper phones?
Jesus.
This is what happens when you get us out of regular records.
I know these are honest. Episodes are always weird.
Should we actually maybe talk about what this movie is?
Yeah. Let's give it a quick rundown.
Aaron, as our guest, you get the honor of summarizing.
OK, there's an important mission to deliver.
I believe the atomic bombs across the Pacific
are valiant crew on a ship helmed by Nicolas Cage.
Does so. It's all off the record.
Hush, hush. They don't have an escort or sonar.
On the way back, they get torpedoed by the Japanese Navy.
Ship goes down. The men go down.
They float around a bunch. There are a lot of sharks.
Some men get eaten.
And then there's 30 minutes in with no sharks.
And I just really blacked out for that.
Someone else might have to fill in.
No, that pretty much seems like you pretty much got it.
Yeah. Tom Jane's in there at one point.
Yep. With a really nice mustache.
Tom Jane, famously from shark movie Deep Lucy.
Yeah. Yeah.
LL Cool J co-star Tom Jane, as I like to call him.
So Sean also pointed out that this was produced by Patriot Pictures
and it turns out that there's a lot of things that they produced
that Cage was in, actually.
So it was Lord of War, USS Indianapolis, Men of Courage,
Tokarev or Rage, Prisoners of the Ghostland.
And there was one other one.
But anyway, it doesn't matter.
A lot of shit that they produced for him.
That was a lot of shit.
Yeah. A lot of shit. Right.
I want to shark in Ghostland.
That would that be good.
Yeah. No whiskey in there, though.
Just a sand shark.
Yeah. Nice.
There is a movie Sand Sharks in which the sharks can travel through the sand.
That's good. A lot of people.
They just on the beach tremors.
Then that's a great question.
The physics of it were not or metaphysics of it
were not fully explained in this movie, believe it or not.
There was no shark scientist explaining that.
Mm hmm.
I was several whiskeys deep, so I cannot confirm or deny.
They should get Stanley Tucci in there.
Absolutely.
Everyone should have Stanley Tucci in there.
He's great.
My experience with shark and Whiskey Knight, I went and we watched the Meg
two, which was fantastic.
But you really have to experience these things to enjoy the bingo,
because it's just people screaming at a screen
any time one of the tropes comes up on their card. Sure.
Yeah. So it's mayhem.
I'm you know, I'm very enthusiastic about screaming at things.
Good. Yeah, you'd fit in.
Inanimate objects, walls, TV.
It's that DiCaprio meme of like pointing at the TV.
Yeah. Yeah.
Willing to scream something five times to get a laugh once.
It's worth it. Yeah.
I mean, how many episodes of this have we done?
This will be 70.
Still chasing that first laugh.
Yeah. So we'll get there.
I mean, we got our labs.
I make myself laugh.
Yeah. I listen to these things.
I'm like, that's funny passion. Yeah.
Good work, me.
So my big beef with this one is it's pretty self-serious overall.
I mean, it's a serious matter.
It's not like a joke movie or anything, but like,
it's not a fun cage performance for me because he's just being a stoic
captain of a ship.
He gets a little weirdness at the end, but
that's just dehydration and hallucinations.
Oh, I thought you meant when he killed himself. Yeah.
Well, that's wacky, not loopy.
Good point. So I mean, I don't know if we mentioned this is based on true events.
And yeah, the whole like final act of this film is
Cage's character being scapegoated for the whole thing.
And like, what is the thing court martialed court martialed?
And then he just skips ahead to him like off in himself.
Yeah. We get some mad phone calls in the night
because he has a listed phone number.
It was the fifties.
I don't know if it is or white pages existed.
And there were less people.
They're probably only like seven phones.
Yeah. You just keep trying.
Is it eight? Nope. OK.
Nine. Yeah. Oh, we got him.
All right. My main issue with this film is there are too many fucking characters.
Well, and also like the cast is not very good.
Now, I mean, this movie didn't have a crazy budget.
Forty million.
It made no money.
But like the cast is kind of shitty.
You've got Cage and you've got Sizemore on Sizemore and Tom.
Jen before he's any later.
Yeah. Yeah.
But like there's a whole subplot of the two friends, one of which
who's in love with this girl, he's been in love with his whole life,
who's like the daughter of a senator.
He's a judge judge.
And then his best friend like meets her and they fall in love.
He's going to propose.
But then they get into a fight with some other sailors and it doesn't happen.
Honestly, I couldn't tell the two of them apart in any fucking scene.
Oh, one of them skinnier and more cracky.
He's the one who dies.
Yeah. Now, I mean, Dantonio, the like Italian meatball from New York.
Yeah. But like as opposed to Bama, a southern boy.
They're also Atlanta.
They're also generic that I just and because they keep cutting
between so many characters, I just lose track of who anyone is
and none of their stories matter.
So I'm just like, why?
Why is this happening?
This is not what a good ensemble looks like.
I mean, their stories matter in terms of giving you perspective
and like making you feel and identify.
Or that's what it should be doing.
That's what it should be doing it. But it doesn't.
But if you cut that out,
you just get a ship sinking and sharks and then cut to.
That's what I wanted.
Yeah, I would have been OK with that.
I would have been better. That's like a five minute scene.
They did do a pretty good Titanic with the guy
falling off the top of the ship as it was sinking.
And then he didn't hit the propeller.
He hit something else.
That was enjoyable.
I like a good callback to that.
No, just like this.
The CG in this film was so rough.
Yeah, especially that first dog, that first scene where the Indianapolis
is being attacked by kamikazes and just like,
oh, this all looks like Xbox 360 era, like cut scene bad.
Yeah, those when the suicide torpedoes go, the Kitan.
Yeah, they're really silly.
They it's just a window.
This movie come out 2016.
Whoa. Yeah, dude.
You can't grade on very much of a curve here.
No, it's definitely like early 2000 CG.
Yeah. But then there are moments where it's like it doesn't look terrible.
Sure. When they're like inside the ship and there's no.
It's still.
It's still well.
No, I mean, there's some CG that's like.
Less awful, like whatever shark fin goes by someone like that's passable.
Well, OK, let's talk to the expert then.
So regarding specifically the shark related stuff,
how do you think this kind of stacks up?
And you can put it between two shark movies in terms of quality, if that helps.
Oh, between two sharks.
I mean, in terms of the shark related stuff, it's below every shark movie
because the movie did not focus nearly enough on the sharks.
The most interesting characters in the movie should be sharks.
And among other things, they were basically only filmed from above water
the entire time, which is really a waste.
You're passing out like the shark point of view shot.
I was very disappointed in no POV.
Yeah, like seeing the shark like swim near someone's legs and then divert
and get some like there's just so much there.
Once you recognize the shark should be the star of your movie and they
the entire.
The shark. The shark crosshairs as he hones in on you.
I do.
Love just the language of low budget shark film.
Of low budget shark film of just man treading water.
Suddenly, man is underwater.
I did love like this shots of like the people just getting pulled in.
Yeah. It's like, boom, you're gone.
That's awesome.
Yeah, they did do these little jolts of blood and excitement.
Yeah, they even did one classic towards the end.
They finally had their first amputation by shark, which is on the bingo board.
And I on screen.
I went there because the chaplain or whatever that guy's role was.
He was hugging his leg for quite some time.
Indeed. One of the more tender.
On screen ships in the movie.
Yeah, that's where the feelings come from.
I do love that they use the same man and bad CG
shark coming up on the raft twice.
Listen, man, if you make a good shot, you just do it again.
Well, it's going to notice.
Also, those rafts sucked for real.
What the fuck? Those rafts are terrible.
I was thinking that for a while, and then I was like, you know what?
Those rafts are going to like sink if it's punctured.
True. No, I mean, there's stuff to it.
You can stack so many of them in the ship because there's no like bottom portion.
It's just like a foam ring with like cargo netting.
Yeah. Inside of it.
So bad for sharks.
It's bad for sharks, but it's good for people and ships.
No, this is all about intended function.
Yeah. I mean, to keep you from drowning.
Yeah. It's not meant to keep you safe from sharks and not even really
that safe from hypothermia since a lot of your body will be.
Yeah. Still water intermittently.
I love how they're so freaked out about sharks, but they're all just chill,
just like dangling their tootsies in the water. The whole film.
I would have expected more like fighting for the handful of spots
where you could keep your body above water.
Yeah, absolutely. But some good discipline.
What happened to the commander who like just fucked off to the
there's an island over there.
Oh, he totally was just hallucinating.
I know. But I wanted to rode out and just died.
I wanted to see that. Yeah.
Yeah, he was kind of a shit commander.
Yeah. Little racist fuck.
He sucked.
He is the character who you expect to die dramatically in a shark movie
to be punished for his obvious moral failings. Right.
And he and the fact that it didn't happen on screen is really
another missed opportunity.
Yeah. They should have just shown his floating corpse somewhere.
Well, again, because I can't.
Well, because I can't.
Oh, yeah. He just shits himself to death.
Well, again, because of the glut of actors and characters in this film,
there's later just another rant.
There's just another blonde guy like on a raft kind of floating by himself.
Dynamite is is that the same guy?
I don't think it was.
Well, right. And they like.
So the other arc is that there's like the racist white guy
who gets saved by the black guy that he's been a dick to this whole time.
And then they become buddies and they find their other buddy,
but it's not really him.
And it's like what weird fake out bullshit was who fucking cares?
I like the one guy who wrote smut and his book survived.
Yeah, that's the one that he's talking about.
So like you get the fake out death where it's like, oh, he's got the book.
It's our buddy Timothy.
And no, it's just some dude with his head chomped off.
And we already seen the guy with the book earlier.
Yeah. Couple times.
That's that's so you can get fake out.
But there was like a shark attack or whatever.
He had given his book to that other guy.
He was already with the captain, though.
It's yeah, it's just so sloppy.
It was really hard to track these characters again, partly because they weren't that distinct
and you didn't actually care about them.
Like we could have boiled it down to like four principal characters
and just followed them significantly rather than trying to give everyone equal screen time.
Yeah, like all the stuff, the backstory for Tom Sizemore's character,
he just had a baby boy that he's never met because he's in the military.
I forgot about that. Right.
And, you know, he's sitting there in the in the raft holding his leg lovingly.
I liked his pigeon.
He's got his like his lucky dove of courage.
I was watching this on one point seven five speed, so I probably missed that.
Like three frames where there was a game.
You really kicked it up.
There was a pigeon in there for a minute.
I needed to. Well, for me, it was a lot less than a minute.
Are you just training yourself to understand like really fast talkers?
Yes. Like you're just slow.
Well, this is so incrementally.
Yeah. This is so he can edit us quicker.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, I could do that. I could do double time.
So watching at one point seven five.
Did you catch the really dramatic foreshadowing moment?
Whereas Nick Cage asks for escort for this dangerous mission and they reject it.
They have these giant great white shark jaws on display and they're like both framed by these jaws.
Yes. Really, really subtle.
Subtlety. It was a little it was a fast subtlety for me, but I got it.
So thank goodness.
Sharks are drawn to irony.
God, this movie.
I liked it more than I thought I was going to, but it's still pretty fucking bad.
It's not terrible.
No, it's an enjoyable watch.
It's just got flaws.
Yeah. So.
So while we're. Oh, go ahead.
What was the quote you were going to?
One of the reviews is someone for Roger Ebert dot com.
Consensus of the film was not exactly unwatchable, but also completely not worthy of watching.
I think that's a fair assessment.
So this is fundamentally a period piece, right?
It's a reenactment.
It's set in this in nineteen forty five.
Right. Yep.
And so if there's anything people I assume enjoy, it's getting extremely pedantic.
But in a period piece, I expect things to try to be like loosely of the time.
And yet early on, as they're getting us really invested in these characters and, you know,
this bromance between Bama and Dantonio and the girl they both love.
I think it's Dantonio is trying to get his buddies going.
Dantonio is trying to get his buddies courage up.
And he utters the phrase, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.
I know in my head, I heard that and I was like, Wayne Gretzky.
Yeah. So this is a quote that isn't even real.
It's apocryphal.
A tribute to Wayne Gretzky in like the 1980s and is really only famous because it became
the office meme about 20 years after that.
And even beyond the fact that, yeah, this is a famous quote from 40 plus years later.
I'm not even sure that math education in the 1930s and 40s would have included percentages
and like following pro sports and describing shooting percentage as a thing that you would
track or be interested in.
That is a heck of a thing to bring in.
Dantonio also seems like an idiot.
He's got those sweet dance moves though.
Oh, he does from the city.
Yeah.
And those girls caught on real fast.
He's like, I'm going to teach them how to dance.
I like how he did like the run up in like this, like the slide under the girls dress.
I like how this is all happening in the judges house and he's not shutting it down.
That would make so much noise, them stomping around and dancing.
He did tell his house servant to tell them to turn that racket down.
Yeah. Just I expected him to be firmer.
So Dantonio dies and his buddy does get the girl at the end.
Yeah. Bama becomes a baby daddy to her.
Yeah, because she's pregnant.
That's as soon as I like she said, like, I'm having, you know, the other man's baby.
That's when I texted you both like this fucking movie had to tie it all together.
And then the gambling addict guy, he's like, oh, he's a better man than me.
You know, yeah.
Yeah. The fuck this movie.
These characters are so dumb.
And the only reason I ever recognized him is because he had glasses.
Right. Yeah, that was a notable trait. Yeah.
White guy glasses. Ooh, gambling problem. OK, got it.
I'm impressed you even tracked that at the end when they had, you know, he returned the ring.
Right. And then made this commentary.
I'm like, oh, this is all supposed to be like tying up some arc, but I haven't followed this arc at all.
This means nothing to. Well, and then just the whole.
So of the people who have an actual story is Bama and Dantonio and Dantonio dies off screen.
Like they're they get rescued.
No, he just dies. He dies in the boat.
So he gets bitten and then he dies in the boat like very they're just sitting there and then all of a sudden he's like,
Oh, he's like Dantonio, don't leave me, buddy.
You know, but that's when he was hallucinating.
And then later he's like, you know, take care of her for me.
And he's like, you're going to be OK.
And then we don't ever see them again until they're in the hospital.
Well, that's true.
So like, it's just like it's such a it's just it's such a wet fart of an ending for that story.
Yeah. Everybody's individual stories suck.
There's not a good individual story except for Nicholas Cage's.
Yeah, because he's just doing, you know, the best he can.
He tries the most for his people and then he gets fucking lambasted at the end and just shoots himself.
Japanese. Oh, well, the Japanese captain was pretty cool.
The surprise witness. Yeah.
Hachimoto. He was sweet. Also, I love his story of just like talking to the ghost of maybe his father.
Yeah, I was curious. Was that the emperor?
Was were there subtitles for those scenes? Yes. Yes.
Ah, not for me.
So I just was like, hmm, Japanese. Got it.
The family is rife with subtitles. OK.
I mean, I watched the whole movie with subtitles.
It just didn't bother. It didn't deign to give the Japanese characters any subtitles.
Hmm. So when we watched the Meg, too, where there was a ton of Mandarin and no subtitles.
The first time I watched the Wolverine movie, the one with Silver Samurai.
Yeah, I had watched a copy that I downloaded and there were no subtitled tracks.
And I was like, wow, this is a lot of Japanese. That's not getting explained to me.
So Kong X Godzilla has this whole subterranean culture of like a lost tribe.
And they have this whole history that tells the whole history of like Kong and like all the monsters.
And instead of just giving them subtitles, they're also psychic.
So they could just project these thoughts into the main characters.
But the sexy white lady scientist just decodes their entire language in five minutes and tells the story for them.
I'm amazed they didn't make that a guy.
Now, the guy was cool and wore a Hawaiian shirt and gave Kong a robot hand.
Oh, fuck. Yeah, I want to see this. I love this fucking film.
I'm sold now. Yeah. At one point, King Kong uses a monkey to hit another monkey.
That's a pro move.
And then uses another monkey to hit both those monkeys.
He nunchucks a baby monkey. I mean, as it should be.
I mean, why doesn't he just swing his big ass dong around and fucking King to mess him up?
Also, why isn't there more King Kong dick in these movies?
Like he would have to have an enormous hog.
I think don't like you would say great apes like notoriously have tiny hogs.
Yeah, but he's giant.
It would still be the size of a car.
It's like a Volkswagen Beetle. It's all about scale, though.
He's so big. You still don't see it.
I would see a fucking Volvo swinging around above my head if he was attacking the city.
I'd be like, oh, shit. Giant. Wow. OK.
Respect. Cool.
And then he just grabs the world's largest frog and goes to town on it.
Call back to one of our first episodes.
Oh, God, what I'm hearing here is that when a movie understands how to use its creatures more effectively, the movie is more enjoyable.
Yeah. If these sharks had had huge ass dicks, I would have been all about it.
What's a shark dick look like?
Well, they have two decks. I think so.
They're fish. So as a not a shark expert, just a shark movie expert.
Everything I know about shark science is like a sort of conglomerated canon of like this alternate shark universe in which shark scientists say things, many of which contradict each other.
I've never heard anyone say they have two decks.
I've also never heard anyone say they don't have two decks.
So we're at least a coin toss here.
OK, 50-50 two decks.
So here's an important plug.
Why do sharks have two penises?
Oh, no. Here's a subtitle.
What is a class for?
So in college, I went to art college and my science class was called Bad Science at the Movies, where we would watch ostensibly like bad shark movies.
And my teacher would just fast forward through these movies to like the science, the fake science shit, pause it and then just rant at us about how that was just the dumbest thing that ever heard.
Now, I don't want to be. It was amazing.
That was a great class.
My final, our final project was we had to create like a treatment for a bad science fiction movie with bad science and like create a poster for it.
Mine was Gator Kane starring David Hasselhoff and William Shatner.
This was three years before Sharknado was a thing.
Someone owes me money.
Which I still think you need to write so you don't get that stolen.
It's already been stolen.
Well, hey, rewrite it, write it as Gator Kane and Abel.
Yeah, it's a morality tale.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I'm still just shocked that you went to an accredited school when I hear these stories.
It's like that's your science class.
Literally.
I have a degree.
It's in drawing shit, but it's an accredited degree.
I have a degree in doodles.
Yeah, I get it.
Now I'm a web developer.
Grain of salt.
With a minor in disproving bad movie science.
Aaron, have you seen The Core?
I have not.
Oh, Lord.
I don't believe there are any sharks in that.
There are some whales, but.
Magma shark.
It is incredible.
Lava sharks. That's a movie.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know about the sharks.
Do they swim in the lava?
Yes.
Are they made of lava?
Unclear.
Do they just have thicker skin?
Yeah, probably something prehistoric or the result of some experiment gone wrong.
Yeah, that seems like often is the case.
I'm curious as to what everyone's like favorite shark movie thing is, like either from a movie
or a fact about a shark movie.
I don't watch a lot of shark based cinema.
That must have been embarrassing for you to admit.
Yeah, in this present company.
What about shark based cinema?
Yeah, they have two claspers.
Clearly, I've been missing out on a whole series of pornography, but I still think my
favorite shark in film is the one from zombie because just a zombie fighting a shark is
a great, great premise for me.
I think the thing I enjoy most is trying to figure out what kind of atypical shark we're
going to end up with because the shark is virtually always an atypical shark.
Right.
It's been genetically modified.
It's prehistoric.
It's in a place where sharks shouldn't be.
And I just love the like the clues they're dropping and your mind churning trying to
say, in what way is the shark going to be an absolute freak that deserves a movie about
it?
Three claspers.
That would do it.
My they just spin around like a propeller and that makes them go faster.
That's like they fly into turbo gets a little triple boner.
And there you go.
My favorite hydroplanes across the ocean backwards.
My favorite shark movie fact is from Jaws 3D.
Michael Caine later in life being asked if he'd ever seen Jaws 3D and his response being
no, but I saw the house it bought and it's glorious.
So speaking of like comments about sharks at the end, they have these real little clips
of these people that experience this and live through it.
And you know that one of the questions that they asked was like, how do you feel about
sharks now?
And the old dude is just like, don't like them.
Fucking hate them.
Still hate those things.
Like, yeah, dude, took your fucking leg off and ate your friend.
Yeah.
No, I like to go check them out.
I really squared that with sharks.
I know I mentioned this before, but I was talking to John last night.
Now we were talking about the Indianapolis.
His so our friend, John, his ex grandfather in law, so his ex's grandfather was on the
Indianapolis and they have misspelled his name in the memorial.
Oh, wow.
Ouch.
Yeah.
Doesn't seem like it would be that hard to just fact check a name.
Lazy.
I don't know if it's misspelled like in the film or like the actual like on a monument
somewhere.
I think it's that one pretty bad, which is a lot harder to correct.
Well, I guess once the film's out, that's a lot harder to correct because you've got
physical distributed media.
We're going to do a recall.
Some dude just comes to my house every time I put the Blu Ray in and like runs a piece
of paper with the corrected name up the screen as it goes by.
That's job security right there.
There's only one guy because there's could only possibly be one person watching that
movie at any given time.
Is it Mario Van Peebles?
Yes.
He's like, I'm sorry, bro.
I really fucked this one up.
To look up what he has worked on and he's it's weird how he's got like almost a 60 40
split of like five star and below shit and like seven and a half and up shit.
But I think most of the stuff that's well reviewed of his is just series like.
And see, yes, it's like, oh, whatever.
He did one episode.
It probably sucked.
C.G.I. was terrible in the sharks.
Yeah.
Why is why is there always a shark?
Peter, you mentioned that they're talking to the old guys at the end is like still hate
the sharks.
They haven't come around on them and just made me think.
Oh, a long time ago, I worked with some Vietnam veterans and a few of them mentioned having
gone back to Vietnam much more recently as part of these, I don't know, kind of strange
tourism experiences that did include some attempt at like a truth and reconciliation
aspect in which they like met with, you know, folks who'd survived on the other side and
like walked through the jungles together and experience each other as people, not military
represented.
Anyway, strange thing.
I'm not going to pass any judgment on how well that works.
But what I'm trying to picture right now is how great it would be if you did that for
these guys from the USS Indianapolis and sharks.
Well, I think you get them together with some marine biologists, some scuba outfits, some
cages.
You bring them back out of the Pacific.
You lure in some sharks.
You put them down there and then you have them learn a whole but try to understand the
sharks and where they're coming from.
Be like, I understand.
That's just its drive.
It's biological drive.
It did what it needed to do in that moment for its own survival.
And I respect that.
Let's take this a step further.
Let's do it off of Pearl Harbor.
We'll get some Japanese soldiers as well.
We'll put them in the water in a separate cage and they can be writing signs back and
forth to each other while sharks swim around them.
Healing, healing.
Wow.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I think we just solved everything.
You know, one of those old guys is going to bring a gun down there and just start popping
off on sharks.
He's like, I told you I don't like sharks.
These fuckers.
I'm about to commit a hate crime.
Shark hate.
No, but then there's going to be blood in the water.
Yeah.
And it'll bring more sharks and he'll kill them too.
Good.
Yeah.
Get all the sharks.
Just keep getting blood.
Not a fan.
Not a fan of sharks.
I'm curious what slur these guys, the racist against sharks would come up with for sharks.
Yeah.
OK, so I don't want to say any in case it's an actual slur for another group of people.
You can say one and I'll just double check it.
No, I'm probably won't.
I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.
Why is so they missed an incredible opportunity and just hit me now when this movie ends, it
should have just said Finn.
We're not going to get a better joke than that.
This episode's over.
We have completed the episode.
We do have to do the quick performance review, but they're fine.
Yeah.
So we do like a matrix, you know, good movie, good cage performance, bad movie, bad cage
performance.
Where does it fall on the matrix of that thoughts?
Well, I actually don't feel qualified to speak on cage performance.
I'm going to go with alternate matrix of, you know, good shark movie, bad shark movie,
good movie, bad movie, right, which again are very distinct.
And I will say bad movie and unfortunately medium bad shark.
Yeah.
I don't think we've ever had a guest say I won't play your game.
Here's my.
Here's an amended.
Who do you think you are?
Nick.
Only I want.
Yeah.
Where do you get off?
Oh, yeah.
Claspers.
Yeah.
I got to make sure my cameras are pointed right.
I don't know.
OK.
Yeah.
I think that's that's a fair assessment from all the shark film I haven't seen.
I've seen Jaws.
Good good answer.
Yep.
I think for me, it falls in like cage's performance is fine.
It's just they didn't give him enough to do because he's a real dude who is a serious guy
in the military.
It's like maybe that is still military.
Yeah.
What are you?
Water military, water military, water based military.
So many of those so many of those Navy men could not swim.
Seaman Seaman.
Yeah, they were bad.
Yeah, it seems like you should maybe learn.
Yeah, you think that'd be part of basic training.
To be fair, if your ship goes down in the ocean, you're pretty.
They do say that in this film.
It's not much point in learning how to swim because where are you going to go?
Right.
I mean, if you had your escort, you'd be in a different situation.
But yeah, pretty fucked.
Sorry.
That's why you've got the hollow lifeboats, the net boats and you just hope.
Yeah.
But yeah, I well, this movie was much more watchable than I assumed it would be.
It's not that interesting.
And Nicholas Cage doesn't really do anything in it.
No, I've probably got one more watch of this in my lifetime.
It's one more.
That's about it.
Yeah.
I mean, I watch it with my dad or something.
OK, I do feel like because I have one of those.
Oh, shots fired.
Mean, you know, my father was killed by a shark.
That comes up in a lot of shark movies.
Yeah.
It was a retaliation killing.
You know what your father did.
I know.
I will say this movie did remind me partially of.
You want to talk about this briefly.
Fucking Buffalo movie.
Oh, yeah.
Butcher's Cross.
And that I'm assuming the producers or director just like, hey, we have this shark footage.
Can we just like make a movie and splice it in?
We also have a torpedo footage that we can add.
Anybody who just had that torpedo footage on hand and thought this is worth putting
in a film.
Yeah, Van Peebles made a mistake.
Like I'm he had to have just been like, oh, shit.
It's Tuesday morning.
I need a torpedo.
See what we got.
Just that one's a Kitan.
Yeah.
Just floats a plastic bottle across some water.
And it's like, here we go.
The whole thing with the Kitan like.
The only reason that comes up and a Kitan is a man powered torpedo like underwater kamikaze,
which I didn't know about until this film.
Same, same, same.
But it comes up at the beginning of the movie.
They show the Japanese sub fire one at a merchant vents merchant vessel like it notices it's
a merchant vessel as it's like coming upon it and like veers off.
OK, so I missed that part in one point seven five.
Yeah.
So later on, when they shoot down the Indianapolis, they don't fire a Kitan.
And I'm like, what was the point of explained the kind at all?
And it's only so during the court martial hearing.
They can be asked if they if you know, the ship was hit by a Kitan or just a regular
torpedo.
And did that justify the fact that he did not zigzag his ship as per protocol?
Serpentine pattern.
Yeah, it's just it's.
So it's a kind of a bad movie and a, you know, lackluster performance.
It's a C minus.
I might give it a D plus.
C minus is good.
C for clasper.
Nice.
Now, now it's a C plus because it's got to.
All right, Aaron, any final thoughts on this one?
No.
Good.
What what do you have in the shoot for your next shark and whiskey party?
It's a great question.
There's been a nice little bit of buzz.
We're hoping it's not too much buzz, but a movie called Under Paris Netflix, I think,
just put it out in the last week or two.
And Netflix original.
So certainly the caliber we're looking for.
Yes.
And yeah, some of the some of it has gone a bit viral, even just from the trailer.
It appears that there's a strong motivation to keep this triathlon going in the water
for kind of tourism purposes, even though there's a shark swimming in the same river
in Paris.
It sounds like a cream situation.
It sure does.
Also, shark an unusual place, right?
Like swimming in a river in a major city.
So off to a great start.
I think we're almost certain to watch it unless we become concerned that too many of our audience
already watched it on their own.
Not normally something we have to worry about.
OK, so you've inspired another question.
Has there ever been a shark film where the sharks are in the canals of Venice and you
have gondolieries like there has not been a shark film that has done that.
But in 2012 and 2013, when this event was happening monthly, one of the attendees and
I did write a serial piece of shark fiction, a were shark in Venice, an American.
People helped us ask it acted out as a little like pre movie warm up for us.
So eight to 10 events in a row.
We wrote like a little a little five chapter.
Yeah.
So, yeah, set fully in the canals of Venice and with a teenage love triangle.
And one of them is turns out is a were shark.
So who would play the badass silent gondolier who like a silent gondolier doesn't sing?
No, he's just he's just quiet.
He's not getting my money.
He's just quiet and like still the whole time.
But like fistfights, the shark Jason Statham, that's what I was thinking.
He didn't even use the pole.
No fistfights.
Jesus, idiot.
Bad gondolier breaks the pole into.
Yeah.
And we do already know that Jason Statham is happy to be cast in two shark movies in
just the last few years.
That's true.
Since he led both Meg movies.
OK, I was wondering if they were two different franchises.
I know anything you want to promote other than shark and whiskey.
No, that's most of my life.
Yeah, that's good.
Thank you all for listening.
These are silly offshoot episodes.
We'll be back to kind of our regular programming and getting into the slicks teen here soon.
And just as soon as that child can fend for itself.
She's probably all right.
Yeah.
Three weeks is about the age where you can let them free roam, right?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
They're holding up their head by now, right?
Yeah.
Done.
Easy.
At least put the three year old sibling in charge of them.
Yeah.
Well, no, we give Cora a knife and we explain to her the responsibility of knife ownership.
Good.
And then our hands are clean.
And then we give them we give like hers.
Then we give the baby a gun.
Right.
Just in case.
It's a safety measure.
Yeah.
All right.
Anyway, you can find us on social media.
Please cut that.
You can find us on social media at cage underscore match underscore pod.
Or if you want to support us on Patreon, we are cage match pod or cage match.
We are cage match.
I am cage match.
Thank you to our supporters, our Sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam and Bill,
and to our cage dancers, Ira, John, Freeman, Lance and Nathan.
We really appreciate the support and thanks for listening, everybody.
Bye bye.
Speaking of hot dog related content, I was listening to the latest vlog from Keep It
Classy, my favorite Australian funny folk.
And Amber made the anecdote trying to say like a kitchenette is not talking about a
motel, like a kitchenette is not like a mini fridge and a bathroom sink, much like a hot
dog is an a dildo until I put it in my ass.
God, speaking of things in holes, I put the placentas in the hole this morning.
I keep bringing that shit up.
And I do hope you lost your hands.
I did.
I appreciate.
I'm just glad to be done with that placental hole.
For now.
Was it both of them?
Yeah.
You were just so you're just holding on to one for we had it for nearly three years in
the freezer.
Yeah, your face is how my face is about it, too.
I'm glad I'm divorced.
Well, it's kind of nice because we had our little hippie placental burial today and Cora
and Barrett are going to get backdoor baptized later today.
So that's when you get baptized in the butt.
Oh, yeah.
It's a bidet situation.
Yeah.
The holy water cleanses you from the inside out, baby.
So if it gets話 Entertainment This is where the
connection comes in.