Oh god.
Oh my god.
Hahahaha
I still think at some point we need to like stringboard out like the entire cage-averse.
I mean it sounds like something that we should do, but won't.
But should you?
Should we?
It'd be fun.
Well you find.
I would say it'd be more-
No.
It'd be more-
The friends along the way.
I'd say if anything I'd hate you guys more for doing this, for yes, ending this with
me.
Yeah, well.
You know I need to be stopped.
This is like two years in the making at this point.
You know I need to be kept in check.
Oh I just broke my wedding ring.
That's my third one.
Those wood rings.
This isn't a wood one, this is the Enzo like rubbery one.
That's a fucking cock ring my dude.
Not for this guy.
Okay, I got some questions for you.
It's rubber, that's a cock ring.
That is half an inch in diameter.
Yeah that's smallish.
Yeah, but what if it's very long?
Like you just extruded the shit out of it?
Yeah.
It's like approaching the event horizon and just kind of like-
Spaghettification.
Yeah.
Have you ever gotten a fountain drink from someplace that only has like one size of straw
and it's enormous and it's like twice as long as the cup sticking out?
Yeah it kind of makes you feel like a king though.
It does.
I don't have to hold this close to my mouth at all.
Yeah.
Royalty can be down here.
I suppose you could like be driving and the car next to you could like look over and then
like you've got a solid like seven seconds of straw coming up to your mouth and they
never see the cup.
And you're making eye contact the entire time.
Yeah always because that's how I drive.
I look at the cars next to me, my neighbors.
Did you guys ever?
I kind of did that once actually.
I had this long car trip and I bought like those three gallon things of water from the
grocery store and put it between the seat and I had a tube from Home Depot that like
went around the seat and like up.
Oh yeah.
Proto camelback like before.
Oh yeah that's cool.
Did you have another tube that went from down and around to another one?
No I did.
I did think about it but I was like you know what if I don't have to stop to get water
I don't I can stop to use restroom.
There you go.
Did you guys ever when you were younger have to like do the school candy sales?
Like they give you a catalog of cool things.
Oh yeah.
It's so clearly a scam now you look back on it.
Yeah.
But they always had the helm the beer helmets but they were like soda helmets.
Right.
For root beer.
Yeah and it's the only thing I ever wanted from any of those candies and I would go hard
to try and win it but it's like Chuck E Cheese prizes it's like.
Right.
Sell a thousand dollars worth of chocolate and get this lava lamp.
Or I could have gone to like Spencer.
If I.
Sell a bunch of chocolate you too can burn your hand.
If I didn't live in Tillamook Oregon I could have gone to a Spencer's gift and gotten it
for 15 bucks.
Truth.
Right.
I remember when I was an adult because I was an adult and I had adult money and I'm like
I'm going to buy this thing.
Once you start those things you can't stop them.
Like.
Lava lamp?
No the beer hat.
Oh because of gravity.
Yeah.
Because once the.
Oh right.
Did you consider just blowing back.
Yes.
It got messy.
Fortunately with someone else's house party sale I didn't care.
Oh right.
My school always sold lawn and leaf bags instead of candy it was horrible.
What?
Yeah.
I mean that's things people actually need.
I mean it makes a lot of sense but like door to door lawn and leaf bag sales.
It's rough as a kid.
Uncompelling though.
Yeah.
It's like would you like to buy a mattress cover.
Keeps bed bugs out.
You really really want it.
You should have one.
Oh you do have one.
Fuck.
Girl Scouts are selling cookies with fucking websites now.
Like you just log in and put your order in and then bring it to you.
I saw that.
Yeah.
Kids aren't even like getting the experience of talking to adults.
I mean.
Which is tricky.
I.
But.
Every time I've seen Girl Scouts out selling cookies for the last years the girls were just
on their phones like behind the table as mothers yelled at me.
Well that's a failing.
I don't I don't buy from those kids.
No.
I told Eric if he wanted my if his kid wanted my cookie money she'd have to set up a meeting
in front of a Safeway with me.
It doesn't have to be in front of a Safeway.
Yeah that's a Safeway or like.
I mean.
It's a little kid with like glasses, beret, briefcase full of cookies, clandestine meeting
in front of the Safeway.
Ideally I'd like to buy my Girl Scout cookies in front of the building where they euthanize
animals but that's a tougher sell.
Why?
Why do you want to do that?
I feel like there'd be less witnesses.
Oh.
The guilt of the fact that you like the.
I'd be playing the Sarah McLaughlin song on my phone and just making real hard eye contact
with the kid.
That's rough.
It's like I'll pay for these cookies but I won't pay for the life of that dog.
Wow.
That's cold.
Save us Sean.
Yeah.
Welcome back.
Take us out of that.
Welcome back to Cage Match, Cole and a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage and I don't want
to do this anymore.
Yeah.
Thanks Nick.
You're Nick.
I am Nick.
And I'm Sean and we're here with our producer Peter.
Hello.
I'm just I'm going to be off my game the rest of the night now because I'm just thinking
of those dogs.
I can smell the strawberry from here.
Also special guest with us.
Yes.
Howdy.
This is Seth.
Seth, our friend.
Hey guys.
Friend of the pod.
Great to be here.
Thanks for joining us.
What a great group already I can just tell.
This is the first time Seth has visited my place but he's been here before.
That's true because it used to be my place.
Yeah.
That's right.
All in the family.
And it's never been mine but I did poop here.
That kind of counts.
You look like the first person to poop in every apartment I've moved into since I've
known you.
Do they have a pretty much when you did it?
Well, no, I never pooped here when Peter lived here.
I, you know, technically I lived here and you didn't.
And now you live here with Sean because you've pooped here.
Yes.
Yeah.
I got this.
I got my poo claim in early.
I went to a place in Vegas that had a bidet in the like restaurants bathroom and I was
like in there for a really long time trying to get the remote thing to work.
And eventually I was like, oh, fuck it.
I've been in here for like 15, 20 minutes.
Single occupancy bathroom.
I should probably go.
And then I go back to my seat and my buddy's like, I'm going to try.
So then he's in there for like 10, 15 minutes and we're just dominating this bathroom.
That's like, like in Momofuku or some shit.
And eventually he comes back out.
He's like, you got to point it like right between your legs, like right at the nape
of your ball sack.
And that's how you get it to work.
And it's awesome.
And I should have gone back in.
But at that point, I felt like that would have been you didn't go back.
They just thought you were doing coke.
Yeah.
Well, it can be both coke and butt stuff.
Coke and butt stuff.
That's like how I prefer Vegas.
So on this podcast, we watched 64 Nicolas Cage films, Final Four style, and we'll narrow
it down to the best Nicolas Cage film as decided by Nick and myself.
Definitely not Peter and usually not our guests.
Yeah.
No.
This week, we're talking about National Treasure and The Rock.
Those are the two movies.
I got nothing else to go.
I got nothing else from there.
Womack, you piece of shit.
So the Rock.
Yeah.
Why don't you remind us what the Rock's about real quick?
In case any of us in the world have ever forgotten.
Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery have to break into the Rock to stop some guy who's mad at
the government and not just any rock.
Oh, Alcatraz.
Yeah, the Rock Rock.
Welcome to the Rock.
That's a great summary.
Yeah, that's fucking the film.
He's mad.
Like a dude goes to visit his wife's grave.
You know, it's his wife because it says it's his wife.
And then he steals chemical weapons, takes over the rock.
There are hostages that we quickly forget about.
Seth, what was your relationship to this movie when you were younger?
I mean, the Rock came out in what like 96 96.
Yeah.
So I probably saw it on like TBS or something the way it was meant to be seen.
Right.
With commercials for, you know, shark bites, gummies in between or whatever.
The commercials exist to give you a break from Michael Bay's cinematography.
Yeah, seriously.
It's like everybody calmed down.
Yeah, let's let's all stare at something else for 30 seconds.
So I mean, I watched it probably after it came out.
I was probably 10, 12, whatever.
I guess that would have been 96.
So maybe I saw it right around the time it came out.
I thought it was I thought it was cool, you know, but I was like a 10 or 12 year old boy.
And that is who this movie is for.
As far as I can tell, because it is a Michael Bay movie.
It's Michael Bay.
I mean, when I when I watched it, of course, I didn't know who Michael Bay was the first
time.
Right.
But this time, you know, it's the first name you see.
And I was like, oh, OK, all right, here we go.
So this is this is context.
Every shot is like shot from like the knee up, like in that extreme angle.
Oh, yeah.
There's American flags everywhere.
I never thought of it.
This like the cinematography part of it is like, oh, there's going to be car chases and
explosions.
A lot of gratuitous things just over and over again.
Masturbatory military love.
First, it's fast.
The cameras are fast.
And you know that any black actor is going to have just the worst dialogue.
Yeah, not expecting a lot of people of color or women in the movie.
And that was what happened in The Rock.
But it was also 1996.
So there were two women.
We talked about this a little bit.
There were two.
Yeah, there were two with it.
They existed.
Was one of them his wife?
No, no, no.
That's the third.
That's the third one.
OK, who is dead?
Who is the entire time?
Yeah, you see her gravestone.
Yeah, right.
Oh, by the way, I looked this up.
That's a real thing at Arlington.
His wife.
Is not some sort of movie mistake.
It's like a real thing.
I was wondering if it's like an acronym for something.
No, it's I think what they do is if a military member and their spouse are going to be buried
at Arlington, one of them is on one side of the headstone.
The other one is on the other side.
So it'll be his wife refers commander Hummel and his wife.
So it just doesn't make sense because he's not dead yet.
Right.
You don't see the other side of the tombstone.
Even if you're not Michael Bay and don't know a lot about this kind of military stuff, it
doesn't make sense.
It seems like a mistake.
So my brother went to school in North Carolina and one time I went out there and I like to
go to like really old cemeteries because they're cool.
I mean, there's really cool headstones.
It's fun.
Chalk etching, maybe.
Yeah.
Well, one time we were walking around and looking at the headstones and there was one
that had some dates, I wish I still had a picture of this.
It had dates, but then otherwise all it said on it was raper.
I mean, I'm sure that was someone's name.
It's a rough surname.
It's tough.
You know, the butt run story.
I don't.
I once had the butt runs.
Yes.
When I worked in retail, when I worked in retail, a woman handed me her credit card
and her last name like her name was Sarah butt run.
Sure.
And I laughed because I'm a child.
I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
And her response was, that's my married name.
Oh, that seems like a reasonable time when you don't have to take someone's last name.
Yeah.
When if you were the person who was coming into the marriage with that name, why would
you not offer for your spouse to not take it?
What if her last name was severe and she got it hyphenated?
So it's severe butt runs.
That seems plausible.
I mean, that would be worth it.
I kind of want to.
The bit it is worth it.
Like I would rather be severe butt runs than just Mrs. Butt Run.
That's true.
The commitment is better than half measures.
OK, so the rock, my primary memory of the rock when I was asked to watch it for this
project was the string of elegant pearls, glass balls, almost glowing green, right,
with the chemical weapon inside of it.
That was the only thing I remembered about it.
I did not remember that Sean Connery was in it.
Interesting.
I mean, I read it was about Alcatraz, but that's kind of in the title.
So that was that was it.
That was what I was going in for.
I mean, that is mostly what I remember from this movie.
Yeah.
Before we watched it the first time, it was like, I don't know, green balls, poison.
Yeah.
Gas.
I don't know.
Why would you make a chemical weapon like that?
So fragile.
Also, they look really like sturdy and then they turn into goo so quick.
That's true.
It's like a gelatin, like a solidified like as soon as it gets wet, you know, just like
when he crushes it in that dude's mouth.
That was I like that.
That was pretty good.
That was a good one.
I wrote the bread there with like getting shot in the toes or when he gets the air conditioner
dropped down on the same guy.
Yeah, same guy.
Air conditioner guy.
Oh, yeah.
It's a tough day for that.
I do love that.
It's like I'm in around a lot of dead bodies.
Does that happen a lot?
The twitch sometimes.
Yeah, that's good.
So surge came out.
The soda surge came out in February of 97.
This could have been the best promotional like drop date for a soda ever.
Surge your face.
He just pulls one out like busts a ball in his mouth.
Like immediately like starts jumping over sofas and like ice skating through snowmen
and shit.
Oh, OK.
Idea for the next round of busting a ball in your mouth.
I can't believe that didn't get any reaction from anybody, but like we were we've heard
us.
You just can't do it.
Two years later.
Hey, I had to take a second try getting it out.
I did.
I was doing it for the next round.
We look for weird product placement commercials at the same time at these movies because you
know they're going to be some good ones.
Yeah.
I mean, Michael Bay definitely is prone to product placement.
He likes money and America.
God, he sure does love America and a good helicopter.
And a jet.
You think John C. McGinley's character is the same one from Full Metal Jacket?
Who is that?
Which actor?
Dr. Cox.
He was the one from Scrubs.
Oh, yes.
Definitely.
He's the one that gets lit on fire and hung.
Right.
I don't remember.
I've never seen Full Metal Jacket.
Probably not going to at this point.
It's pretty long.
That's a long movie.
True.
Yeah.
Also, these movies were both pretty long.
Yeah.
No, these movies both are.
That was tough.
Two hours, 10 minutes each.
It's like, fuck.
I watched both of them on at least one and a half speed because I was in a crunch time
for consuming these movies.
How was that?
How was Sean Connery at one and a half speed?
Pretty great.
Connery.
Connery at one and a half speed is great.
The Rock's soundtrack at one and a half speed, not the best.
Welcome to the Rock.
Yeah.
Oh, we need to remix that.
Yeah, right.
I had to take a break from watching all these long movies and I watched a crisp 90 minute
movie to bring myself back to reality.
Was it Highlander 2?
It was Primal.
Did you really watch it again?
Fuck yeah, I watched Primal again.
And you know what?
That movie's even better when you sit on it for like six months and come back.
Listen, that shit is good.
I'm open to watching Primal again only because of fucking Army of One.
Like that has opened my eyes to bad movies potentially being better on a second watch.
Oh, it's so good.
You're going to pram me one day and I'm going to admit I was wrong.
That's not true.
I was wrong.
I'm an American.
I don't have to.
We're just going to insert it at the end of the bracket and it will win.
Just insert it at number one.
Yeah, it's like, oh, fuck.
Look, it was here all along.
That's the wild card.
Yeah, we're going to rent the beacon out.
We're going to have a special screening to watch two movies and it's just going to be
Primal twice.
Yeah, everyone's just going to hear at the back of the room.
Sean, it doesn't know it's locked.
You can't get out.
You're stuck.
Great White Jag.
I don't know, I like the pacing of these movies like it was a different time when they came
out.
It was slower.
You know, we were talking about commercial breaks.
I think I definitely pause them.
Right.
And it's just a slower pace.
It's like this is the 90s.
I can put my phone down for the first time in 10 years.
Right.
It's nice.
I have to say I was not looking forward to going back to the Rock just because I knew
how long it was.
And I have four fucking Michael Bay films.
Yeah.
Like I remember like I enjoyed it when we watched it the first time.
But it was also up against Bangkok Dangerous.
Right.
Yeah.
I mean, that's the most slam dunk you could possibly get.
So I'm like, I was I was talking to Peter about this like I'm really not looking forward
to this for just really the Michael Bay of it all.
Yeah.
And it's about 40 minutes in when, you know, toes start getting shot and it's just Connery
and Cage where I'm just like, this movie slaps.
This movie's pretty fucking when you get to the what the heart of it is about.
Yeah.
And when it just turns into the dumb action movie, I'm like, I'm sold.
I do want to I do want to draw a comparison between the the exposition in the rock, which
is extensive, as Sean just pointed out, and the exposition in National Treasure, which
is aggressively small.
Yeah, it's crisp.
I mean, I found it to be offensively short.
We'll get to that.
I'm sure.
Yes.
This film does have all of like the great action star, like a bunch of great action
stars in it.
You got Michael Bean.
Who?
Fucking Hicks from fucking aliens.
OK.
Yeah.
See, you said that and all I pictured was Mr. Bean.
Yeah.
And I knew that was not right.
Atkinson was in this.
Oh, yeah.
Great.
Dr. Cox and Rowan Atkinson.
You can just imagine him in that like shower scene, just sort of wandering around it.
Bullets are going over.
Put your gun down.
I love this movie so much more now.
I feel like one of the things I couldn't stop thinking about when I was watching The Rock
was like, was James Bond.
Right.
I feel like we have to talk about this.
So like if James Bond was designed by Michael Bay and played by Sean Connery, not that much
of a stretch.
Right.
Sean Connery's performance was deeply satisfying to me as a Bond fan.
Yeah.
It's like this is the Bond that I've kind of always wanted, but never knew that I wanted.
Yeah.
I mean, there's conspiracy theory, whatever, that he is actually James Bond.
I like it.
Yeah.
He's a British spy who's been in captivity for so close.
30 years or whatever.
Right there.
Yeah.
But he's got all the skills, you know, he's got the charm.
None of the gadgets.
Doesn't have to go away in prison.
Yeah.
You got a key to at least one of those.
I mean, he did throw a Womack off the fucking thing with like nothing.
A bed sheet.
Yeah.
And he had a quarter to cut through the glass that was.
It's pretty fucking bitching.
Good move.
Called a called room service, ordered up like a bunch of stuff to distract the guards.
Yeah.
It's pretty Bondian.
I liked the way he used the the sheets or whatever to get out of the jail cell.
Oh, yeah.
It's called a lever.
Oh, yeah.
I loved the chase scene in the hotel where both Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage run the
wrong way down an escalator when there's a perfectly good not used staircase next to
them next to it.
So the two scenes in this movie that I think you could entirely cut out the car chase.
Stupid as fuck.
It wasn't in the script.
We talked about.
Yeah, it's dumb.
There's no reason for it other than the Michael Bay of it all.
Did he just improv?
Pretty much.
He's like, I don't know, guys, let's just get out there.
It's just San Francisco.
I've never done one with a trolley in it.
And since we're in San Francisco, we might as well.
Yeah.
Green Rider like specifically complain that like that it didn't make sense for the pacing
of the film.
It made sense for Nicolas Cage's character and Michael Bay's like, nobody gives a fuck
about your story.
What people want.
What's going to put butts in seats is car chases.
I do love car chases.
I do, too.
Yeah.
But having really needed a boat chase, though, we had all that water that was getting unused.
Which would make so much more sense for San Francisco because having grown up in San Francisco,
the streets are boat chases, boat chases.
Well, because there's so much fucking traffic like.
Right.
Not chaseable.
Yeah.
Driving down California.
I'm like, there's no way that it's not bumper to bumper.
Even then.
And then the other scene that I think that you could really drop was the like cart mine
cart situation.
Like when I turned into Temple of Doom for some reason, that was that was tough.
That was strange.
I mean, the car chase was a palate cleanser for me.
I'm like, OK, I don't pay attention to this.
Correct.
It's an intermezzo in this, you know, in this whatever structure it is.
When they got to the rock, did they take the little like underwater speedy, speedy things?
Did they do that?
Yeah.
I was going very fast, so I didn't see that.
So were they.
So that's that's both of these movies, these little underwater speedy things.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't think about that.
Yeah, there's there's little connections.
Yeah.
Not just a microfilm at the end.
Also, here's a weird connection.
So in the past couple of weeks, as I've been watching these films, also been rewatching
some parks and rec, which is definitely a comfort show for me.
Right.
These two movies are both mentioned in parks and rec by Andy.
That tracks.
So Andy is apparently a cage fan, which tracks to me and they're they go to Washington, talks
about National Treasure, and then they go to California like a season later.
And they talk about the rock like this is spooky.
For Nick and Sean.
It's been mostly a year since we watched this.
What did you guys think about it on rewatch?
I zone out for I mean, for large chunks of this film.
Yeah, the rock still struggles to hold my attention.
Yeah.
I hate and I know some of these are just like things that Nicholas Cage just put in.
They were little ad libs like kind of a beetle maniac.
Oh, fucking shut up.
I I hate that line.
Yeah.
Who who fucking goes around just say, oh, I'm kind of a beetle maniac.
You got to listen to it on vinyl.
It's just better.
Who's first pressing?
It never comes up again.
They say next to my like pretty large growing vinyl collection.
Well, yeah, I had a.
Yeah, but you've never made me listen to the Beatles.
No.
And when you do, I'll leave.
But I like he does have the clock, which we used to pick up on the on the microphones.
And if you ever fix it, I'll break it again.
I do like how he says he's a beetle maniac.
He spent what?
Eight hundred dollars.
Impressively not into the Beatles, I guess.
And then he gets out when his girlfriend gets home.
He's not listening to the Beatles because they probably couldn't get the license.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Oh, very expensive.
Michael Jackson would have had him at that point.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what the licensing costs were when he had him, but probably still high.
Yeah.
Going back, I can like the thoughts I have in this movie, because like I said, I kind
of, you know, fuck a Michael Bay, I check out a lot.
There's a lot of unnecessary like military hurrah and exposition.
So it's.
OK, military funeral.
All right.
They're breaking into a military base.
Those look like anal beads.
There's Nick Cage.
There's Sean Connery.
All right, here we go.
You definitely don't want to put those in your butt, though.
No, no, that's bad for the butt.
Yeah, that is not good.
So my feelings on this the second time watching it were pretty similar to you guys, where
it was like, I don't know, this movie is kind of stupid.
I don't like it that much.
And then you have a moment where you're like, nice.
This is fun.
And then you go back to being like, it's this this fucking scene.
And then it's like, oh, fucking right on.
Yeah, it's a roller coaster.
Whenever I was pretty amped.
Whenever Nick Cage and Sean Connery are together, it's great.
Yes.
You split them up.
It's less great.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
The more distance between the characters, the worse the movie gets.
And then the whole third act twist where the villain is like was never going to like bomb
San Francisco was all a veil threat.
But then his goons.
Well, spoiler alert.
I don't watch this yet.
But his goons like turn on him and they're going to like bomb San Francisco either way.
These goods are fucking assholes.
Yeah, that was like it was like too little too late character development for me.
Yeah, it's just like this is not we're past this point.
We should have we should have found out about his personality earlier in the movie.
Yeah.
If this was going to happen.
Remember how these guys were going to do all of this for a million a piece?
Yeah, a million dollars.
That's 96 million is like, I don't know, one point one point eight or something.
No, it's more than that.
Probably more than.
Yeah.
But still, it's not like a crazy amount of money to do huge murder.
Yeah.
Mm hmm.
A million dollars.
And you're a terrorist whether you succeed or not.
Well, it's true.
I guess it was to get the million dollars to not do murder.
Yeah.
I bet a million dollars could get you pretty far in Bangkok.
Might be dangerous.
Ah, beat me to it.
But also, I hate both of us.
Yeah, I don't I don't really have a lot to add about this film.
It's it's a romp when it's a romp and it's very ignorable when it's not a romp.
How about the ending?
I don't remember it.
Oh, fucking.
Oh, wait, which ending?
Both parts.
But yeah, the regular ending we can talk about and then also the yeah, the tie in.
Oh, Nicholas Cage just down on his knees.
Like, oh, the flares.
And then somehow he chose the right like, did they ever tell him which direction they
were going to nuke the place from or whatever?
I mean, it would have been from the same direction as the airbase or the base they were at.
But I mean, that's just circumstantial that he walked out that door.
Yeah.
Do we really want to fucking start picking this up this movie apart?
Yeah, that's what this podcast is.
Yeah, we're dorks about dumb shit.
True.
And I like, you know, I'm very willing to suspend disbelief for that.
It's a good it's a good image.
It's a good moment.
I like it.
He does get blown up and but is absolutely fine afterwards with like with thermites.
Yeah.
Right.
Ones away.
He probably fell in a puddle that kept him cool.
Deep puddle.
Yeah, very deep puddle.
Yeah.
The Bay.
Thank you.
Like, I'm trying to we don't see the hostages again after like the second time we see them.
Do the do we know that the hostages get out?
It's like a second.
I think there is any confirmation.
I feel like there was some sort of them getting released because otherwise, like the US government
was just going to blow up a bunch of civilians.
Right.
Those were acceptable losses compared to all of San Francisco.
Fair.
I mean, yeah, you do the trolley problem on that one.
And then we actually saw the trolley.
We saw a trolley blow up, which also that thing flew when it blew up.
Yeah.
Michael Bay.
Yeah.
Why did the trolley blow up?
There's no fuel in those.
Yeah.
No, it just it just came to it just careened to a stop than just exploded.
It just slowed down in an intersection and then burst into flames.
It's the Michael Bay juice.
It's in there.
It's got the juice.
Gross.
Don't let it touch you.
Yeah, I.
The same stuff that's in the little heart shot.
Yeah, exactly.
Straight to the.
Oh, OK.
Thank you for saying that.
That was the other thing that I remember about this movie.
It was like you've got to inject it directly into your heart.
You know, that was the other thing.
And I was like, I don't remember how that works, but I'm excited to see that big, big
needle.
Oh, what's up with the fucking switchblade needle like syringe?
Oh, yeah.
The military gives him it's like he like pushes a button and the needle part sticks out.
It's safer that way.
Probably less like but does that exist?
I don't know.
That seems so ridiculous.
And like where does it go?
Does it go back up into the serum?
And then like it comes out and it's juicing and with serum, you got to put it and it's
like sticky now.
It's like a.
I don't want to lube.
That's gross.
What if it gets dirt on it?
And now it's in my heart.
I feel like it's one of those things where like it doesn't have to be perfect because
When you get to the point that you're going to use it, you're going to use it.
You got like I have reservations.
I mean, it's like I mean, it's like a seat belt, right?
It's like if you really need it, it might break your ribs,
but it'll save your life.
What if a dog licked it?
Not a seat belt, but the needle.
Dogs have dirty mouths.
I would I would take the risk of having to take some antibiotics
and go over the VX.
What what if?
I don't know what if two dogs looked at it?
Yeah, what if two dogs were?
How many dogs?
Don't infinite dogs.
Yeah, they're just looking over by their side.
I've seen that.
We would I would talk.
Take the needle if it had a visible crap on it,
like visible, just like unidentified, like slaz on the needle.
Any debris that wasn't a chemical weapon, because you're right,
you can just take antibiotics afterwards.
Right. Be like, I didn't die from the VX.
I will need some pills.
What if for what if it's not pills?
What if you have to continue taking heart shots for the rest of your life?
Because you have every five minutes in your heart now.
I'd rather have to make a decision later
than to just die immediately from the VX.
I've made the decision later, and I usually end up regretting it.
That's you.
Like, why weren't they using those beads to fight the terrorists more?
Yeah, just like Chuck.
Like once you've got a couple like they did it once.
Well, that's your greatest weapon.
They did say a drop of that would wipe out like eight city blocks.
Yeah, I suppose they would have to be in a contained space. Right.
Yeah. You just go up somewhere high and be like,
there's a fucking terrorist and you throw it at him and then you're fine.
Which actually this kind of is close the door.
This explains the one shot ready thermite missile that does hit
because it clears out the gas that he did create. Right.
So it's not that everyone else on the island would have died from that.
Oh, because they fucking would have. Yeah.
Yeah. Was it a whole string of pearls that got?
No, it was just a one.
He like put it in his mouth.
I don't think that was.
Cocked him or some shit.
This is one one drop, baby.
Yeah, they said one drop would like wipe out like a number of city.
OK, fine.
They were probably exaggerating.
Do you want to take that?
We're going with Michael Bay logic.
I'll I'll just die.
All right. I'll either die wrong or die right.
Well, I mean, yeah.
Just take the poop shot in your heart, man.
Yeah, I'll I'll poop shot you.
You poop shot me.
I don't like where this is going.
All right. So where do you guys put this on the grid?
Good movie.
Good performance.
Bad movie. Good performance.
Good, bad, bad, good, good, good, bad, bad.
I don't know.
Yeah, this is a real struggle.
This is like it has like I said, it has its moments.
Nicholas Cage's portray his acting is kind of all over the shop.
I think it's 50, 50, 50, 50.
I was going to say this is this is very much.
Just dead center.
Yeah.
I mean, if anything, it would like I would say lean good on movie.
Like I don't see.
I don't think it's a mid film where it's just meh.
But there's a lot of like a lot of peaks and valleys.
And it just kind of meets in the middle.
But Sean Connery's outstanding.
Yeah, great Sean Connery.
Fine cage. Yeah.
Inoffensive Nick Cage.
So again, I think performances lean good.
Well, inoffensive, he definitely doesn't like swear and stuff
like we get a national treasure.
We can talk about offensive acting.
Oh, that's fire.
But yeah, let's talk about the outro of this of the rock.
Yeah, they find out who killed JFK.
Right. Because Sean Connery is James Bond.
Yeah, and had info had.
Yeah, had the true Zapruder film.
Yeah, I loved it.
Love, love the extra ending.
Yeah, it's fun.
It's so dumb and doesn't really do anything with this film, but I love it.
Right. It's like by the time I've gotten to this point, I'm like, you know what?
Why not? This is lovely.
I mean, it's that's a very stupid rock, too, as a concept.
But didn't happen.
Didn't because we didn't need to because we got national treasure.
Like because they return to the rock.
No, it's a it's a crossover with House Party Rock the House.
Where's that mute button?
You're not the producer.
No, but I'm still able to reach you.
I think you're too.
Your arms are there.
So you could do it.
Peter would never notice.
It's true. I didn't notice that Seth was muted for the first like 10 minutes.
So I was just letting you do your setup.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
I don't know why the pastor preacher, whatever, at the end was so mad at them.
Why couldn't they just talk to him?
Yeah. Be like, we've got a really great story to tell you, Father.
We just need this one pew leg.
Like just indulge us.
We'll give you we'll give you a donation.
We'll give you a thousand dollars.
I assume they got married there, right?
I've got this really nice green gem.
I think they just stop there on their.
Drop it. Honeymoon.
Because they like pull up and then she's in the car.
Yeah, she's just waiting in the car.
Does it cause they just married?
I think so. Yeah, I think it's got the cans and everything.
I don't I don't think he could weasel out of that at the end of the movie.
Like, no.
Marrying his pregnant wife.
Who's Catholic, so had to get married.
That's right. Weird detail.
Yeah. To include.
OK, no, I do have something I want to talk about.
Sorry, that was like so
this movie when they have when they're having sex on the rooftop,
she's got like pigtails and she's like trying to do like,
oh, I'm a sexy school girl kind of thing.
And in one of the Transformers ones,
I think it's Transformers five.
It's one of the Walberg ones.
Wait, you said you hate Michael Bay movies.
You've seen Transformers five.
I have not seen it, but there's some discourse around
there being a character who's dating Mark Wahlberg's daughter's character,
who's like 17 in the film.
And the guy's like 28.
And they make a point of like, she's a minor.
And the guy pulls out like his wallet and has a laminated card about like,
well, here are the laws in this state.
You grow.
Yeah, we talked about this at one point.
I remember this story. Yeah.
So just like, you know, there's a there's a thing there with
Bay and uncomfortable that in the.
We know nothing about that is good.
Hold on. Wait, what?
How is it just the pigtails made you think of that?
Don't you like golf?
Unlike, you know, sexy schoolgirl, he's like, yeah, sexy schoolgirl.
I don't know. I watched it at one and a half or two speed at that point.
So it's cool.
Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, you're right.
That's just making me think about two things.
Weird, dirty talk like, oh, yeah, I'm a I'm a filthy fucking minor.
Don't you don't you like my filthy minors?
And then also like, what if she just whipped her head around like this a lot
and just bitch slapped him with her pigtails repeatedly?
I also like these are two very unsexy moments.
When you said filthy minor, I immediately thought M.I.N.E.R.
My that's what I thought. Black lung.
Yeah. Yeah.
Who's the canary now, baby?
Oh, and then you just fucking Dutch ovener.
God. OK, the rock. That's it.
We did it. And.
Man, I'm sad that Valentine's Day passed
because I totally would dress up like a minor and it's like sexy.
Minor. Yeah, just wait in bed and be like, hmm, girl, I'm a sexy minor.
Don't you want to get with this sexy minor?
He's a pickaxe over your shoulder.
Yeah. Common bedtime accessories.
It's a pickaxe, but it's got it's a double headed dildo.
Just floppy.
But on a stick from a minor.
It's a national treasure.
Oh, that joke was a national treasure.
Nick, you might be a national treasure.
And a criminal with this.
It's both a criminal. Yeah.
So you had some thoughts on the the forced exposition at the start at this one.
Oh, let's get a quick
second sentence of summary summarization
or all the people who don't know what national treasure is.
I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence. Nice. OK.
And they do. And there's a map on the back, which leads to more clues.
And then they find like.
Well, there is not a map.
It's about the Knights Templar treasure more than stealing
the Declaration of Independence. Yes.
That's really like Act two of a five act. Yeah.
Mm hmm. Who's the other guy?
Ed Harris. Is it Ed Harris from the rock?
Oh, he's in the rock.
Yeah. Sean Bean.
Sean Bean. Yeah. Double Bean. Mr. Bean.
Yeah. We got a two bean situation.
It's a double bean. You're right.
I was delighted to see Sean Bean. Me too.
He had really, really bad hair.
Yeah, it was really disgusting. He's a villain, though.
So please, Malcolm.
I mean, Riley, Riley Poole had bad hair, too.
I mean, I think it was just the the era of like shitty big pants and bad hair.
Also, just I loved Riley. I love I love the bumbling sidekick.
I love big pants.
I used to love wearing jankos.
I was a jankos fool.
Jankos. OK. Hell, yeah, dude.
Now I know you. Yeah.
And they were all worn out on the bottom, like bottom backs,
because like you don't have them.
You got to walk a mile.
You just like. Yeah.
Playing some fucking hacky sack.
I don't know. I mean, like where I grew up, the Jinko kids always had salt stains
because of the road salt.
Oh, like, yeah, my salt stains were horrible. Yeah.
Extra horrible.
No, we were.
Oh, God. Well, mischief did we get into in middle school?
We would take slices of American cheese from the cafeteria
and then we put ranch on it because then you could use the ranch
to glue it to the bottom of cafeteria tables. Oh, good.
And then it would just sit there until the ranch rotted off
and then somebody would get like flaky ass dry cheese falling in their lap.
That's good. You are a criminal. Horrible.
How about turtling?
I'm talking about middle school pranks.
What? At this point, is this not a poop thing?
Not a poop thing.
Surprisingly, it's where you it's where you take all the stuff out of someone's backpack.
Turn the backpack inside out, put the stuff back in the backpack and zip it up.
I've never heard of this.
I'm on I'm on the search for someone else who has heard of this
because it seems to be unique to where I grew up.
That's incredible. No, I've never heard of that.
It's like the perfect combination of extremely annoying, but also innocuous.
That's incredible. Perfect.
Uh, no, never turtle. OK.
Doesn't harm anybody, right?
It's just annoying because it's very hard to reopen.
You can't pick it up.
All the handles are on the inside. Oh, damn. Yeah.
So it's just like this egg full of like loose books.
It's just like six minutes to get to class.
Better take your book egg.
That is just a beautiful, beautiful prank.
It's pretty perfect.
I do like that.
Get ready to be turtled, Sean.
I don't have a backpack.
Or get ready to get a backpack for your birthday.
Like, oh, well, all your shit already in it.
Yeah, good old fashioned Jan sport.
Break into your house, take your shit, put it in an inside out backpack
and gift it to you.
That's an amazing bit.
You don't do it for my birthday.
Maybe real mad.
That's I don't even know when your birthday is.
Good. Let's keep it that way.
We know too much about each other already.
Like each other's names.
All right. So, Seth, had you seen National Treasure?
You know what? When I selected this episode,
which you gave me the list of open episodes, I thought I had.
Turns out that was wrong. I had not seen it.
Had you seen National Treasure, too?
No. Oh, wait, was that one with my rush more?
Yes. And Ed Harris.
I think I had seen.
Oh, see, I knew there was an ad.
Thank you for putting this together.
I had seen that one.
I was like, where's my rush more?
All right.
So how did you find it on your first watch?
I mean, exposition was offensive, was so short.
It was like it was like whiplash.
It was like it was like they were.
It was like the filmmakers were really resentful if they had to do it at all.
You should watch Sorcerer's Apprentice if you thought this was forced.
OK, this is that's a good.
Yeah, that's a good good little teaser.
I did love that opening with him in the attic with his grandpa.
Yeah. And his grandpa is just such a shit.
And he's just like, yeah, really hard to watch that whole thing.
He's like, and also you learn the character's name is Benjamin Franklin Gates.
Like, oh, my God.
And what's the what's his dad's name?
Like, they all have shit names.
It doesn't matter.
I don't have my phone on me.
I thought it was Benjamin Franklin Gates.
I thought they were just like, they're just all Benjamin Franklin Gates.
Right. Yeah.
No, it's something else.
I can't remember either.
It doesn't matter.
John Patrick Henry Gates.
I think that's actually it is something like that.
Actually, I think it is Patrick.
Well, unlike how it's like it's like this, this like
Dagwood sandwich of conspiracy theories did not like.
Fuck. Yeah.
Talk to me in sandwich terms.
I would love it if this this just became a sandwich podcast.
I'm sure I mean, that's out there.
Yeah. I'm sure there's room for one more.
You know, they're like Knights Templar, masons, founding fathers,
like the Holy Grail not in there, but I was expecting the Holy Grail.
And then I don't know.
I was just like, this is way too much.
Way too much.
We never get straight into magic.
But that's probably what the third movie would be if it ever happened.
Oh, what kind of magic?
I mean, I kind of think it's more like, you know, yeah.
Indiana Jones style.
There you go. Yeah.
Not really magic, but it's magic. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, some of the stuff in National Treasure was kind of like that, too.
Like the 3D glasses from the 1700s.
Yeah. It kind of means lean's a little magical.
The way he just magically finds the nameplate for the fucking boat.
And it's like the closest thing to the surface of the ice.
Yeah. And it's oriented properly for him to read it.
To pour his water on it.
God, it pisses me off so much.
And that's one of those critical moments in a movie where it's like, OK,
we're going to test your suspension of disbelief right now.
If you're not into this movie, you're going to find out. Yeah.
Right now. And I appreciate that.
It does not get more challenging going forward.
This is as much as we're going to ask of you. Yeah.
Can you hang? Yeah.
You just have to be ready.
He's going to use a pipe with his blood to like roll out a message.
OK. Oh, yeah.
It was really necessary.
He loses the pipe or does Malcolm have the pipe for a while?
Because he has it at the end again.
Does he get? That's a good question.
He gets it back.
Yeah. Sean Bean gives it back to get the last bit of information or whatever.
He gives back the declaration.
He gives back the Mirsham pipe. OK.
I love how they talk about the pipe as if like a Mirsham pipe is some like,
whoa, so rare.
It's like, no, it's like a fucking lightweight porous shitty stone.
Yeah. Like I used to own a Mirsham pipe.
It wasn't. Was it carved sick as hell like that?
It's a sweet boat.
I think it was carved like a dragon.
That's pretty tight. Yeah.
What kind of treasure do you think that unlocks?
Probably tobacco, not ladies pants.
Tell you that for free.
Yeah, what what Jinko jeans does that unlock?
Oh, Lord.
So we had a little disagreement with us on our first go around.
I still maintain their theft of the declaration is a decent
is decently heisty.
Them having to like, you know, hack the nudes to get the camera going.
Like they do a good.
It's a very small.
Yeah. It's like.
Does a shitty heist. Malcolm just breaks.
Well, that's not a heist. That's just right. Burglary.
Yeah. It's a heist two ways.
And I really appreciated that.
I was like, this is the elegant way.
And this is the Michael Bay way to do a heist.
And there's, you know, see a big fan. Right.
Yeah, pretty much.
Which I don't know if just throw it.
I'd have to rewatch that scene.
I don't think just throwing chains at a fan, maybe two chains.
Yeah.
Did you have chains on your jeans?
You just kick that rapper into a fan.
And I'll shut it down to chains and.
I don't think I don't think.
That's a tagline for this episode.
Just be an inconvenience.
I OK, I do kind of like it when you look at it as the dichotomy of a Michael
Bay heist versus like we're trying to do a ocean oceanless, whatever kind of.
Ocean's to here's a lot of moving parts to Franklin.
Franklin's to.
Yeah, it's to.
There were some of the things with like getting the glass from her
to get the fingerprints where I'm like, that's so fucking convoluted.
Getting Bondi. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But that was fun.
I mean, it's this is just supposed to be a romp and it's mostly like children.
Both these movies, I was shocked by the like age appropriateness of them
in both ways, like The Rock was like way more
R rated than I remember.
And National Treasure, I was like waiting for anything to happen.
And then like halfway through, I'm like, oh my God, this is like a PG movie.
Yeah, he just fucking edgy all the way through.
Yeah. Yeah.
But in both both cases, it's like these are I feel like I remember them both
as being very like middle ground.
But they get horny with some lemons, though. Yeah, they do.
Oh, yeah. When they have to breathe on.
Oh, that's a good audio there.
Yeah. Thank you.
So these mics are for.
Yeah, we haven't really put these mics to their paces yet for mouth noises.
That's true. I'm working on it this time.
Yeah, I've done all the classics.
Do some foley work.
Do some better foley work.
I don't have anything to fully with.
I like how you're like, I'm doing all the mouth noises
and you're like, do some foley work and he goes immediately to non
mouth based foley work.
That tells a lot about you, Sean.
I don't I don't have a lot of mouth based foley work.
Is there what is mouth based fully work? I guess.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
It drops of water in a cave.
Yeah, wind. Wind. Good.
Yeah. Oh, I feel it.
Yeah. OK. My hair.
That was good. I liked it.
What we're talking about.
I know. Still this movie.
I enjoy how heisty was it.
I mean, minimally, I mean, they do a heist.
They do a heist.
Then there's a lot of problem solving and some like.
Oh, does anyone remember like the old well, where's Waldo cartoon?
Oh, yeah. No.
The cartoon. Oh, wait, cartoon.
Yeah. No, there was like.
That sounds like a shit cartoon.
Like you just turn it on is like, where is Waldo's not even in this
the guy that sounds like a screen saver.
Yeah. Now the cartoon.
This was a thing like it's really he had his girlfriend, Wenda,
and there was odd law, his rival.
Yes, those are characters from the books, too.
And he had a magical cane that take him to different worlds.
I think that's also just from the books.
They were just have good imagination.
Are you sure your parents didn't just tape
pages from the books on the TV and leave you?
No, they were too busy dying.
No, I had these on VHS. These were a thing.
So your parents sat you down with where's Waldo on VHS.
Yeah. My parents would send me to the babysitter
with a VHS tape of MacGyver episodes.
Nice. What was your VHS?
I don't know. I don't think we even had something like that.
Mine was a copy of two business
own seats or whatever. Mine was land before time trash bags.
Oh, land before time and before time, but it had been taped off of TV.
So it had a big boy commercial at the beginning.
Oh, it was a big boy commercial that used the Beach Boys
Surfing USA, and I remember it because I watched that movie so many times.
Oh, the burger place.
I was like, yeah, a commercial for big boys.
Yes, go on.
They the the the large headed gentleman with the red and white overalls.
Uh huh. Yeah. Hold his burger.
And I think I taped it off the off of some, you know, TV broadcasts
11 for time.
Awesome. Big commercial. Yeah.
Brad Garrett was Wizard Whitebeard on the Waldo TV show.
Yeah. That's our next podcast.
There we go.
Also, Townsend Coleman was Waldo, who was also the tick
in the animated tick.
You're a tick fan, aren't you, Peter?
Yeah. John and I are going to have another podcast called Tick Tock.
This onion just keeps peeling.
Just tick tock. No, tick tock.
OK. I guess in this day and age.
Yeah. Yeah. Tick tock.
We're going to talk about the tech.
And tick adjacent things, but not ticks.
Lime disease. No.
Do you remember that hot sauce commercial that came out
in early 2000s, I want to say,
and it's got like the U.S.
gymnastics team and they're like, no,
you don't. Oh, my God.
I also don't remember this yet.
Oh, good.
And they're talking about like, I don't know, whatever.
I think it was tabatio.
Maybe it was like El Paso.
Who gives a fuck? And
so the youngest of all female gymnasts
is sitting there and she says the tagline and she's like,
I only use hot sauce.
It makes my taco pop.
I still can't stop laughing.
Wait, what? I'm a minor.
I'm a minor.
And Sean Johnson having great taste and Ortega.
My hat is the best.
I love Ortega's taco sauce.
It makes my taco pop.
Wow. I mean,
you told that story with a lot of confidence,
but I'm still surprised that it was so correct.
So accurate.
Yeah, not hot sauce, taco shells, but it doesn't matter.
Or taco pop. Ortega.
I mean, that's.
Oh, I'm glad I found that.
So that is not tabatio.
All you got to put in is search.
It makes my taco pop.
Yeah, it was a dicey game.
You played there, Peter.
So with with National Treasure, I enjoyed it.
The biggest thing that I have as a gripe is that there are too many steps
to the process, right?
Like, it's it's not just getting the declaration.
It's not just finding the fucking boat.
It's not just getting the declaration.
It's then also finding the glasses.
It's then also doing this.
It's then that and that and that and that one.
Fuck. One too many things.
And like what is the the Florin the letters?
Oh, silence. Too good.
The silence. Do good letters.
Oh, yeah. That just kind of comes out of nowhere.
He has copies of them in his apartment, but they never talk about them.
So unless you're paying attention, you don't know.
And but they suddenly need these things.
Hence why they go to the dad.
Yeah. Just just give us.
Oh, yeah. John Voight shows up. Yeah.
Who pre shitty John Voight?
Yeah. Well, he probably always was.
But I mean, but through the lens of like crazy, like America conspiracy theorists.
Perfect casting. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. No, he's great for that.
But he's going to be dead in the third one.
Is he dead now? No, he's not dead.
No, he's alive right now.
But he's a crappy person.
Yeah. Come at us, John Voight.
And maybe don't.
He has more money than us.
He has resources. Yeah. Yeah.
What's he going to take from us?
But we have stairs and baby gates.
We go to this old ass away.
You can't take my jeans.
Keep your hands off. I don't know.
Here I'm going to I got to I'm going to directly
and forcefully disagree with you because like all the steps is the movie.
And it's my point is I want less movie.
It's like a wedding cake and just like just more layers.
Just like, can we go nine?
How about 11 layers?
Like how many layers can we do?
Like I could have been longer.
Put some lady fingers.
It could be too many. Right.
Another tinier bride and groom on top.
What? Insanity.
I know. And then inside of it, candy.
Or the declaration of the defendant.
Now, see, that's the fucking that's the treat inside of the cake.
Or it's just another clue.
They get it.
When they finally find like the vault,
but it's empty and they have to like send in in.
Is it in or Malcolm? It's Ian.
You're thinking of Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park.
But I am. Yeah.
But when they send him off with the whole like the whole lantern
power of your belly, I go to Boston.
Yeah. And then they're like, but we found a thing and they open
like a secret door and it's empty just to open a second secret door
for it to be there.
Yeah, that's frustrating.
You know what?
Doesn't have secret doors.
Primal. Yes.
And it's an hour and a half long.
It's got fucking monkeys that Tara dudes face off.
It's got a great white jag.
It's got that bird Einstein.
It's got the little kid.
He's pretty good.
This one, this beat Primal out originally.
Primal is so good.
And you can watch Primal. I've never seen.
Yeah, you do. It's it's on Netflix right now.
It's on Netflix right now.
Watch it without ads.
I still I mean, it actually does feel like a movie
that you should watch in the TBS style of with commercials.
Right. Come to big boy.
I still I still really enjoy this film.
It's a romp. It's fun.
I do really like the characters and all their like foibles.
And I like Ian and his goons.
He's got good goons.
Mm hmm. He does have pretty good goons.
He's got not.
Vinny, he's got not Vinny Jones.
Thank you.
Because every time I see that, I'm like, it's not Vinny Jones.
Is he the one who falls to his death
or is he the one who laments not getting a smooch?
Wait, when does one not get a smooch?
Well, when does one get a smooch?
When does one think they're going to get it?
So it's when they get into the tomb underneath the Trinity Church.
Yeah, they first bust into that and they get.
Oh, and there's the kissing booth.
Yes, the kissing booth.
No. So ancient Templar kissing booth.
So Nick Cage kisses Abigail's.
You need a harsh shot.
Whatever her name is.
That shit's.
And then right behind her is the goon.
And he's like, why doesn't that ever happen to me?
Oh, yeah. Because you're the bad guy.
Right. You're a villain.
Yeah. You suck shit.
And now you're going to fall to your side.
Up with Sean Bean.
Yeah. With bad hair. Bad Bean. Bad Bean.
Nasty Bean.
I was a gross.
Bean.
I don't have much to say about this movie other than I I enjoy it.
I enjoy the car chase.
It's I mean, it is just Sorcerer's.
You know, these movies and the Sorcerer's apprentice, they're all the same film.
Well, it's all turtle tub.
It's all turtle tub.
And both of these, I mean, both these weeks are also Brockheimer.
Yeah.
Which definitely has a specific vibe to it.
Too long.
All of his movies are too long.
Too long. Overly produced. Yeah.
But usually an offensive.
Yeah. You're going to say something.
I have a lot of thoughts about National Treasure.
I don't know if this is the time.
This is the time. OK.
You're never going to get another chance.
Give us the exposition that we got from the movie.
You go. No, no, no.
The expedition is it's it's too offensive to go back to right now.
I did not.
I usually am pretty good at not looking for plot holes, but the
the shadow on the wall really hard.
That's a really tough one because it's like what date, what date.
Correct.
Like they don't even season are we don't even get into the date of it.
The axis, the tilt of the earth.
Yeah. Also that.
And then the fact that there was no standardized time
in the day of the founding fathers.
So like, what time is it?
Nobody there was no time really for railroads.
Like not as we think of it.
So like that one was like that was the one where I was like, OK, I got it.
I got to get myself back in the game here.
You got to come back, come back to the story.
See, I don't know any of that stuff, but I'm dumb.
Rachel, Rachel watched this movie with me the first time,
and that was the scene like she's full on board for suspension.
Disbelief. Oh, yeah.
And that scene came up.
She's like, that's stupid.
That's the one.
That's the one I couldn't take.
Was that that's stupid?
Yeah. There being a map on the Declaration of Independence, that's not.
Everything else was fine.
Totally fine. That one is just like that.
That's not how this would work.
No. It's like also like this movie doesn't need to have Nick Cage in it.
It's such a neutral performance.
It could have been could have been Harrison Ford.
It could have been Keanu Reeves.
Could have been any white guy, you know, because it was.
It's so neutral in national treasure.
And it doesn't matter because the plot is the whole thing.
He gets a plot.
It's a good story.
All the clues stacked up doesn't matter who it is.
He gets a little bit more in national treasure, too,
where he gets to like play a drunk in that.
See, he has a.
See, OK. Yeah, he has one scene.
You're right. It's not much.
Imagine if Michael Cera was cast in this movie.
Still would work. It would be great.
Yeah. We're going to start a declaration of independence.
It's like, let's find an actor who wouldn't work.
Yeah. In national treasure.
Chris Rock.
Rodney Dangerfield.
I still good. Both of them.
I love Dangerfield. That's a great idea.
We're going to.
Know that this is the game now.
We're going to do this till we can't.
Current day, Dan Aykroyd.
Who?
Bill Cosby. Strong choice.
Oh, and you ruined the game.
Yeah, well, this podcast has to move along.
It can't be as long as these movies.
OK. So within the brackets of good, bad, bad, good,
bad, bad, good, bad, bad, good, bad, good.
What do you put it?
Good movie.
Neutral to bad acting.
I would give acting like the 40% score, like neutral, leading bad.
Good movie.
I say good movie.
I don't find the acting offensive in this film at all.
It is. It's not a fence.
Serves the purpose.
It's fucking warm milk.
Yeah, it's like, yeah, that's that's right.
There's nothing outstanding about it, but I do really like
the relationships of the core characters and.
I like Ben.
Riley, like Ben and Riley.
Oh, I like the one who's name I can't ever.
Abigail.
I like I like I like how Abigail and Ben like play off each other.
I think it's it's been a time safe.
Riley's the tech guy.
Riley Riley tech guy.
Benjamin Franklin Gates is.
Oh, right. Yeah. The name of my dog.
Correct.
Here's another thing.
So Riley is an archetype that only existed in the early 2000s and late 90s.
So we you guys are talking about this.
I miss I miss a good sidekick.
Well, it's like the tech side.
It's like a computer guy.
Like there's I was thinking about the movie Twister when I watched this,
because in Twister, there's the guy who has the beer helmet.
And he's like the computer guy.
And it's like that was that was a stock character in this moment
when computers were rising, right?
From like mid 90s through mid aughts.
And it was like you get this guy who's like, he knows everything.
He's a computer.
So he's a computer nerd.
Super, super guy is like kind of nerdy, but also we really need him.
My favorite tech guy.
Our first one that comes to mind, definitely ludicrous in the fast movies.
Oh, yeah.
Like when like he doesn't even start out as the tech guy.
But eventually they're like, I don't know.
We're starting to do a lot more like just heisty things and shit like that.
So I guess we need a tech guy.
Ludicrous, that's your job now.
And that was it.
That's they never explained it.
It's like all of a sudden he just does the technology.
Seth Green.
It just does machines.
Seth Green in
the Italian job remake is their hacker.
Right.
After in the core, that like rat dick looking motherfucker.
What's his name?
I think he's got a three name, but
oh, man, fuck, I can't think of his name.
But yeah, anyway, the core is incredible.
We're going to watch that.
Good.
Right now.
Yes.
With the mics running on the podcast.
Oh, DJ Qualls.
Oh, yeah.
OK, well, yeah.
Oh, fuck.
You'll get the second you see his face.
You'll be like, oh, yeah, it's one of the everybody's one of those.
So, Nick, where do you put this on the bracket?
Or the matrix?
Yeah, in the matrix.
I also the matrix did have a tech guy, too.
Oh, yeah, it did.
Same same vibe.
Are they all tech guys?
Well, they all kind of were.
But there was the one who was like,
he made the program with the hot girl.
Oh, you're right.
Yeah, that guy.
Because he knows.
Thank you, Peter.
And they all. Yeah, they all have the name.
Same vibe.
Yeah. Yeah. Hackers.
You know, I'm I'm pretty on board with Seth.
Like it's a good movie.
It's fine.
It's long.
It has a lot of unnecessary in it.
Yeah, I got done talking about the rock.
Now we're talking about national treasure.
Yeah.
Yeah. And Nicholas Cage's performance is fair.
It's nothing.
I still think it's ramen noodles without the packet. Yeah.
Oh, that's brutal.
That's how I feel about it, man.
It's just like it's anybody.
Could be still hot, slippery ones.
But, you know, they're just unseasoned.
They're edible.
They are not salty.
Yeah, you're not that weird kid like eating a crunched up packet.
Of dry noodles.
So it begs the ultimate question, then we can start with Seth.
What movie advances on?
It's got to be national treasure.
For me, I think in in proximity to watching them,
I didn't know what I was going to say, but after a few days of distance,
it's got to be national treasure. Nick.
I I think national treasure is just a more consistent watch.
So it's more like taking a nap on a couch versus taking a nap in a car.
When you're driving, I really like that.
I guess I can.
I sleep really well while traveling, so that doesn't while you're driving.
That's very, that's what I'm saying.
It's like, that's why I have dogs napping on the couch,
not napping while driving. Oh, while driving.
Yeah, that's a different. Yeah.
I just felt like you meant like you're, you know, someone's like,
you're in a car and it's moving. It's mildly uncomfortable.
If you want to take a nap while I'm driving,
feel free to try, but you will find things where they did not start.
I don't I don't blink around you. Yeah.
For the best.
Of both these films, I I enjoy national treasure for what it is.
I have fun with it every time I see it.
It's over long, but both of these are.
But I'm not I'm always entertained while I'm watching this movie,
unlike the rock where I am just like, move the fuck on, move the fuck on,
move the fuck on. All right.
Car chase, move the fuck on, move the fuck on, move the fuck on.
Woody Banter, move the fuck on.
And this I'm like, I enjoy I enjoy all the pieces of it as I watch it.
I don't zone out as much. I say national treasure.
I zone out, but I feel like I zone out on the set.
I've already voted for national treasure.
I don't know why I'm shitting on it now, but.
Change it. Change your vote. Yeah.
Change it now, Primal.
Well, that's not an option. It's always an option.
It's just not going to get me very far.
I'm torn on this one.
It's like I'm fine with national treasure going forward,
but looking back on it after watching these two in my speed run mode,
after watching the rock, I was like, that sucks.
And then I watched national treasure on the plane and I was like, this sucks.
Like, I would. It sucks with emphasis.
I would like I would prefer to watch
any viewing of the rock I have going on in the future.
It's going to be specific scenes or I'm just going to turn it off.
At a certain point, I'm going to turn it off before it's over.
National treasure, I can enjoy all the way through.
Yeah, that's a fair assessment.
The rock is stronger in specific scenes, but I have no need to watch.
It has higher highs, but much lower lows.
I don't need to watch fucking Hummel go steal the fucking green balls.
Yeah, nice.
Yeah, or the whole mutiny scene.
It's like, I don't need this.
Yeah, none of that.
It's not great. I don't need to see the rocket go over the fucking stadium
and plop into the water like.
Or the rocket that gets fired and then turns around.
Also not necessary. Right.
I'm only here for rockets that act like real fucking men and take out the Niners.
Well, what do we got coming up next time, Peter?
Yeah. So next up, we've got,
uh, the weatherman and unbearable weight of massive talent
with a special guest, Darrell Edge of last year's fame.
Our cage rage. Yeah.
Cage Rage Buddy, our British pal, our spider hating friend.
Well, so thank you for being on.
Yeah, it was an absolute pleasure.
It was a joy to have here.
Would you want to plug anything or?
No, we've got it.
We've got a nasty movie.
You like it.
Yeah.
You should subscribe to this podcast.
That's I'm going to plug your show.
Subscribe to this podcast.
Leave a comment below.
Subscribe to this podcast. Leave a review.
Because I know that helps.
Fucking comment.
Find where to comment and comment.
Yeah, we are on social media.
Cage match pod or cage underscore match underscore pod.
We're on Patreon to special thanks to our sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean,
Josie, Rico, Matt and Adam, and to our cage dancers, Ira, John,
Freeman and Lance and new cage dancer.
Thank you very much, Nathan.
Thanks for listening, Nathan.
And thank you for your support. Thanks, buddy.
You make us sound less shitty and also, I don't know, do sexy dances.
What do we do? What do we do for patrons?
Now, they're the cage dancers.
I mean, they get in the cage.
Usually there's like gifts of me eating hot dogs or something.
Yeah, that's true.
And by usually, I mean, once we can do it more.
We could do any hot dogs.
Bye bye. Wait.
But there wouldn't be air in there, right?
In the butt.
Isn't it an air based chemical?
I'm sure there's little bits of air in your butt.
Your butt's not like airtight.
I don't know. You're in this, but.
I think I can infer.
Have you ever considered
like how weird it is that people get like fecal transplants?
Is that a thing?
Yeah, dude, they put a little bit.
I heard it was like an experimental like got microbes or something
that are all bad.
And so then you put somebody else's poop in your butt.
I don't know. I think it's I think it's fine.
I think you could.
That sounds like good science to me.
Yeah. You can't tell me that you don't think there's anybody
with better microbes than you.
Oh, I've seen my poop and I know what it's all about.
It's not good. Right.
This is not this is not like on the chart where it's like one through seven
and you're number four.
If you had to choose somebody's poop to put in you,
like what kind of poop would you take?
And I don't mean like a specific person unless you have a specific person in mind.
My boss listens to this podcast.
So are you not choosing your boss or are you choosing your boss?
It's an interesting question because you don't.
I mean, for my lifestyle,
I wouldn't want someone who's just like living the best clean, living vegan life.
Right. Yeah. I don't think I can take a burger.
And it's no I would want someone who just eats anything.
And it's fine all the time and doesn't have any weird allergies.
Right. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I want like a 23 year old college male.
Yes, exactly. Because he can live through anything.
Like I've got a friend who, like when I was in college and I was like,
I have heartburn from their free pizza at the reception.
Oh, fuck them. Yeah.
Like he was like, Oh, I'm fine.
I'm like, I want that poop.
Yeah. You know, God, in my youth,
I could eat any roller food and feel like just good all the time.
I still have ever been that guy.
I still haven't gotten to a point.
It's a different, different breed.
I love roller food.
I still haven't gotten to a point where like food, like food I love and like in
upsetting amounts really affects me yet.
I think I might be a highlander.
Maybe, maybe, but there can only be one.
Correct. Eventually. Yeah.
You know what you should do?
Put some highlander poop in your butt.
Oh, good answer.
Yeah. Like, why are we not saying immortals poop?
That's the answer.
Yeah. Give me a demigod.
Why not? I want Zeus's poop.
Hmm. I've been listening to a lot of Moana with Cora lately.
So, yeah, give me Maui.
That's some good poop. Yeah.
Strong poop. Island poop. Yeah.
Well, they were going for they were going to Oakland,
so they wouldn't have taken up the matters.
That was not we talked about this last time.
We don't have to flu.
No.
This Super Bowl aside, there is absolutely no situation
where you've got a Raiders stadium that full of red.
That was Candlestick or Levi or whatever the fuck stadium.
It wouldn't be.
It said they did say they did say, oh, no.
Yeah, it may have been going there, but it was.
It was not going to Oakland.
That was not OKO.
How could I?
I don't know why I'm so upset about this, but you're wrong either.
It's just you're fucking wrong. I'm not.
Get your fucking hand off that.
That's a mute button.
We're on the board now.
Get out of here, you fuckers, fucking maniacs.
You know what? Fuck that.
The Rock. I'm voting for the Rock now.
Here. Oh, protest.
All right. We're voting for the Rock.
What? That's two votes for the Rock.
Fuck you. Rock wins. Sorry, Sean.
This is unbelievable.
It's a travesty.
I disagree. Fucking come at me.
Wait, is this is this a bit?