Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Oh,
and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, something, something Tommy knee.
Tommy shin, but whole whatever.
Are the six little chickies song?
The six little chickies song was honestly great. Yeah, this is terrible for him.
But I hate that back. Yeah.
I mean, OK, the birthday song made me want to fucking die and murder.
I mean, I think that was the point of it.
Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
I mean, it was made to infuriate.
Me, serious killers.
It really gets them going.
Well, hey, cheers to us for actually making it to the end of season one.
A year more than a year.
I guess that's true. We have had two 9-11 recordings.
Speaking of travesties, welcome back to cage magical and about
why you need a Nicholas cage.
I'm your host, Sean, here with my co-host.
I'm Nick and our producer, Peter. Hello.
And this is an auspicious episode where because this is the wrap up
of our first round through the bracket of our initial bracket.
This is the end.
We still haven't met Nicholas Cage. I know.
You know, I was really excited the other day.
I was watching a movie and I was like, oh, man,
I was watching the credits as I do.
And I was like, oh, that name that looks familiar.
The like cages hairdresser from the movie.
And I was like, fuck.
So I look it up and like, oh, shit, this guy's done a ton of Nicholas Cage's
hair like tons of movies.
And I was like, oh, we should totally look for this guy.
And I was like, oh, he's dead. Oh, damn it.
I would have loved to have talked to Nick Cage's hairdresser.
I bet he's got a million stories to tell.
Yeah. I just want to hear about that flow.
So on this podcast, we have watched 64 Nicholas Cage films
with the plan to whittle this down cage match style.
Hey, the one one one.
Is that where the name came from?
Hmm. Finally makes sense.
I thought you 32 episodes. Yeah.
We're just finding the best one most scientifically through argument.
Some would call it debate.
No, they have not been through a high school debate class.
Then we barely meet the threshold for civilized conversation.
All right. Willie's Wonderland.
All right. All right.
It's your birthday and we want you to have fun.
It's your birthday.
Correct me if I'm wrong, because it's been a wild week.
The composer was also the writer and director.
I believe so. Yeah. OK.
All the songs in this except for the one licensed song.
Oh, kind of slap.
I know. I really wish that they had done something like if they had just done
a Willie's Wonderland cover of Freebird, that would have been fucking killer.
Oh, that's astounding.
But just putting like straight up Freebird in there, it's like,
I don't know.
That's the second time we've seen Nicholas Cage and Freebird on screen together.
And what was the other one?
Connor. Oh, yeah.
I thought you were setting up a booby joke.
No, 34 episodes is apparently where we run out of jokes.
Oh, that's two episodes away.
We're good. 32 episodes is where we run out of jokes.
Willie's Wonderland. Nicholas Cage plays a guy.
Yeah. Whose car gets.
Totaled, not totaled, but the tires get taken out from under him
and he gets towed to Podunk nowhere and thousand dollars
cash to fix his car.
Yeah. So we have Internet or ATMs or it takes credit card
since no one has cash anymore.
They offer the deal because it cleans up the old Willie's Wonderland
there and goes and cleans up old Willie's Wonderland. Gross.
Yeah. Hold on. Let me see if I can do this.
Have your way with me, boys.
I already said there's not a penis in this movie.
This wrap up is perfect.
Is it? Hold on. Try this one.
Nicholas Cage is fucking ripping around in a Corvette out in like dirt
ass roads.
Nobody to stop him.
Just fucking freedom everywhere.
When all of a sudden he just slams into a spike strip
that some piece of shit little kid left out totally putting all of his tires out.
When a tow truck comes and gets him,
he slams down some sick ass punch pop soda.
And the tow truck driver's like, well, we'll get you taken care of.
Well, he gnaws on a fucking slim Jim
just hanging out of his mouth like a cigar.
And I thought it was a cigar for the longest time.
You know, it was just one thick ass sausage hanging in his mouth.
So he takes him back and he's like, oh, it's going to you're going to need new tires.
And oh, I better do this engine work to this is going to be a thousand bucks.
And Nick Cage just stares at him again.
Nick Cage hasn't said a word.
He's just like a monolith of strength and verity verity.
Yeah, that's the word.
Yeah, that guy fucks for sure.
Then we're introduced to Tex McAdoo,
who's going to let Nick Cage clean Willie's Wonderland
in exchange for the repairs of his car.
Willie's Wonderland being a Chuck E.
Cheese Ripoff that has seen better days.
Yeah. Beyond just the dirt
and what could be blood stains all over everything and the graffiti on all the walls.
It's just absolutely neglected.
Like animatronics table like the place is a shithole.
So who Texas like go ahead and like you set your stuff down
and here's a T-shirt.
Now you're officially an employee and that gets no rise from Nick Cage.
But he puts the shirt on and he puts his soda in the fridge
because he brought a burlap sack full of soda with him.
Did you see the tagline on the soda?
A fistful of caffeine to your kisser.
That's fucking great.
That is a good one.
I found a punch pop koozies online.
I was like, oh, man, I kind of want one of those.
And then I was like, I have a very important question.
This is something that we've never talked about.
It might end our friendship because I know you're an Oregonian.
OK, what do you say?
So to. Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
Wait, is Oregon usually a pop state?
Where I lived, it was. Yeah.
Yeah. Midwest was pretty pop centric.
It's wrong. I agree.
I don't like it. All right.
We can still be friends. We can continue this podcast.
Whoo.
So he puts all his shit in the fridge and whatnot and like gets to cleaning.
There's these kids that try like cut to outside cut to exterior.
Willy's Wonderland.
Some kids like try to burn this shit down earlier and like one of them gets arrested.
And then her punk ass friends like help break her out of her trailer home
and where the sheriff handcuffed her to the radiator step mom.
Yeah. So this has every element of a good porno.
They break her out and like everybody goes to Willy's Wonderland
to like burn the place down and supposedly save the dude who's inside,
even though they immediately start just dumping gas on everything again and.
You know, to let it dumb.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, those kids were getting to how dumb they are.
They are like the epitome of dumb horror movie kids
smoking weed outside the haunted amusement restaurant.
It's like the rule.
If you commit sin or whatever in a. Yeah.
Horror movie, you're definitely going to die.
Definitely going to die or, you know, the blonde bimbo and the black kid.
They're just like, we're in this horrifying place.
Might as well. Fuck. Yeah. Super happy fun room.
The guy who wanted to be her boyfriend.
What was his sin? Just being a fucking.
Punt ass buster. Being a fuck.
Yeah, he was weak. He was just a piece of shit.
Well, I mean, the one guy who gets the first kid, you guys.
I mean, he has like two lines.
Which is the first kid to die. I don't remember.
It is killed by nighty night. Yeah. OK.
Yeah. OK. Let's let's let's run quickly through the menagerie of seven
animatronic fuckheads.
We have Willie the Weasel, Artie the Alligator, Siren Sarah,
Cami the Chameleon, Gus Gorilla, Nighty Night, Ozzie the Ostrich
and Tito the Turtle. Yeah.
The only one with an accent.
A somewhat offensive one.
But he was a good turtle.
He was he was my favorite.
Yeah. Fifth Ninja Turtle right there.
Tito with his mustache and his sombrero.
He didn't get he didn't get invited out to very many ninja fights, but
but he was there.
So yeah, Nick Cage is locked in this place.
His credited name is the Janager outside of some like wild grunting
while doing his mechanical motoring and pinball and pinball and soda drinking.
He always had a.
But no spoken dialogue, so probably mute.
It's the only reason he doesn't have a cell phone.
I think he's just too tough for words.
I buy that as well.
When the tow truck drivers is like, yeah, we don't got no internet here.
They're going to put it in.
Well, then they did.
And then later all the kids have cell phones.
Well, one kid has a cell phone to call the sheriff with.
So they have cell towers.
Yeah, I was going to say they're.
Yeah, totally different. Different things.
You can use the internet through over cellular.
Well, yeah, I suppose that's true.
But can you run an ATM off of an off of a cell phone?
But what if they all only got three G?
What if they were like, stuck back in that world?
Yeah, you shut your not even LTE.
They're just like, good luck downloading porn on that.
Impossible. That's why you have rampant teen fucking.
So Nick Cage takes the whole like, take your break thing seriously
because he's cleaning for a bit.
Watch goes off, goes and has a punch pop,
discovers this old Willie's Wonderland pinball machine,
starts to clean it off, gets his beat back, goes back out.
And then like every time he turns around,
there's an ostrich a little closer to him.
They did a couple of slaps and then the ostrich comes to life.
That ostrich scene was my favorite murder, I think,
just because it's the first and it kind of sets the tone.
And I loved how we just sort of like boops him in this in the like tummy.
And it's like, well, it's also the most interesting because the ostriches
like the only one that's clearly not just a guy in a suit.
It's actually a guy in a suit.
I mean, yeah. But he like they green screen his body out
and he's got a puppet stick that he handles the head with.
Well, I mean, it just moves like everything else is just like a mascot costume.
Yeah. Like the head is stable.
Yeah. The neck wiggles and then the body just kind of jiggles around his body.
But like Nick Cage, you know, kills it with a broom.
Kills it with a broom. Oh, he breaks it in half and then like ninja.
Yeah. Skills he's learned from movies such as jujitsu.
But then like my piano
uses duct tape to like fix the cut on his face of the ostrich gave him
and then proceeds just to go about his day.
Yeah. He goes right back to clean.
He bags up the ostrich.
I would do is dismantle each and every one of those things.
Well, the other ones haven't done anything to him.
That's true.
They haven't even said that they wanted to eat his face.
And the amount of time he spends killing is time taken away from cleaning.
He's very like single minded.
But I appreciate the way he just approaches this entire situation of,
well, I'm here to clean this entire place.
Shit's going to fall apart.
But God damn it, I'm going to clean this place and go home with my car
because he wasn't going to let his car like get taken away.
He was going to hold up on his end of this deal.
That's fair. I mean, his car was on the line.
Yeah. All right. You sold me.
I did like the the cleaning scene in the bathroom that like kind of drugged out.
Fast forward. Oh, yeah.
Our next one with Gus Gorilla.
Gus Gorilla.
So the animatronics are alive.
And we find out later that there was a pact with Satan
to transfer the soul of serial killers into the animatronics.
As you do a classic satanic serial killer animatronics pack,
there is a halfway through this, you know, where else to go about
halfway through this film, there's an extreme exposition dump,
which is the only dump you get in this movie, because otherwise
it's all hard ons and like good times. It's awesome.
The birthday song starts up again, which gets him to leave the bathroom
when he comes back in.
We'll eat your soul or you will die is written in blood on the. Yeah.
And then the doors start closing on their own.
So do they possess like evil magic as well?
Yeah, I would assume like I mean.
And why don't they use more of it?
They might just have limited ability based on the amount of technology
that their bodies are built on.
There's not enough organic matter to like harness good Satan powers.
You can like poltergeist an arm and close a door.
Yeah. But you. Yeah.
So we're going with a shadow run rules.
The more of your body you give up, the less magic you can tap into.
Yeah, exactly like that.
Well, one of them is playing hide and seek with Nicolas Cage
in the bathroom. I know this appeals to you.
It does. This is a shadow run podcast now. All right.
No, it's not.
But you're on the work system ever.
And then he like opens all the bathroom stalls.
Nothing there except the girl that just jumps down from the roof.
Yeah, I love the way he just sort of apparates above and like swings down.
And have you ever swung on the like door thingy?
There's usually like a sharp ridge on the top that's not comfortable
to like swing around on gorilla hands, though.
And robot gorilla hands. Robot gorilla hands.
That's probably what so my the line that gets me every time.
Gorilla greetings.
And then for my money, the best fight scene this whole movie,
because it really uses the space up.
Plunger comes into play at one point.
He plunges Gus right in the mouth.
And that's the only.
No, Tito later begs for mercy, too, but Gus's because he's like, wait,
what? No, we can we can talk about this.
Yeah. As he gets his jaw like into the urinal and head kicked in.
Yeah, it's definitely a little curb stop.
American history X situation there.
Yeah, it was no good.
It was a great fight, but it's not how you want to go out chewing on a urinal cake.
Oh, but that was a good one.
Bags up bags of dust.
Throws him in the corner.
Goes about his business.
Yeah. So now we're two animatronics down and this is where the kids end up
getting into the place because they're trying to warn Nick Cage.
And he kind of blows him off
when they try to talk to him through the window.
But they get up on the roof like, I don't know, live whatever
that Anna Kendrick wannabe character, Emily Tosta.
Yeah, she gets in and she's running around and Nick Cage is like,
well, I got no time for you.
And then all of her dumbass.
Yeah. Then all of her friends fall through the roof because they get into a tussle
and the place isn't structurally sound, so they fall into the ball pit.
Classically, all fell perfectly into the ball pit.
Yeah, they were at various different points in the ceiling.
Yeah. Also been the perfect time for the alligator attack in the ball pit.
Oh, that would have been great.
It does not play enough of a role in the film.
It plays zero role aside from like fall.
Arresting. Yeah.
Yeah, it's on the poster.
Well, I mean, with a name like Willie's Wonderland, you got to have a ball pit.
So all these kids are in there now.
They're all arguing.
Then Willie busts into the best song, in my opinion, of six little chickens
in the end of the line, six little chickens and all do fine or whatever it goes.
But it's fucking awesome.
That's a good one.
And it's just got like a really good kind of rhythm and beat.
And then it just gets real sinister as it's like, oh, he's just talking about all these kids
that are going to get eaten in the weasel pen.
And that's great.
Two of them already run off.
What's the fucking?
Yeah. Yeah.
The slutty chick.
And well, that's slut shaming the chick who gives it out willingly.
Permiscus.
That's her one character trait.
Yeah.
She knew how to get out of handcuffs.
Using a bobby pin, which is not very practical, but cinematically great.
So they go off to the super happy fun room to have some super happy fun.
The other kids are all there and hear this song.
And then out of nowhere, nighty night like just pops up behind the weakest of them all.
And one of the least amount of lines.
Yeah.
Because he's about to get a sword stuffed right through his chest.
And it's like the fattest like a cloud strafe.
Fomis looking sword like this thing's almost a foot wide and like thickness.
So he gets fucking taken out.
So real bad in the tum tum.
Yeah.
Yeah. So Nick Cage comes back from break and grabs nighty night sword and off with his head.
Yeah.
Never see that sword again.
But when hold on to that.
No way, dude.
Even when he had a knife, he gave the knife away.
He doesn't need a weapon.
I mean, he'll use broom handles and burlap sack full of soda.
But he's not about like taking an undue advantage.
He's going to give these animatronics every amount of money.
Every amount of chance they have.
Yeah.
So we have the two fucking in the Super Happy Fun Room.
Oh, yeah.
Which get taken out by the alligator.
Yeah, they get gated.
They get gated.
They're gated by one of their heads off.
They get gated while they're fucking because he gets closer.
The chameleon is in the arcade with the wimpy kid that wants to be his boyfriend.
Siren and Tito.
Oh, they got the other like nerdy looking kid.
Yeah, there's the nerdy black guy.
They get him.
And then the incel dude gets it from the chameleon.
Yeah.
She and he had the he had the weakest one because she like just roped him with her tongue
and like broke his neck.
That was like right then.
Oh, that's one.
Yeah, he hands her the knife at that point.
Yeah, like live runs in.
Yeah.
Nick Cage is there puts his dukes up.
Watch goes off, looks at it.
Just hands live back her own knife and walks away.
That was just so good.
And I'm assuming it's a 15 minute break.
So loose fighting with his chameleon for 15 minutes, cuts its tongue off.
And then he comes back in and finishes it.
No, he doesn't finish it.
But he like saves her.
Soon.
He finishes it with Sarah later.
But they have the managé to.
Well, he wraps it up and like chokes it out and it's presumed dead,
but it disappears and comes back later.
The kids are like trying to like get out of the room and they like weekly try the door
and whatever and then live is there.
She's like, oh my God, they're inside.
We got to get to them.
And the cage like dragging the carcass of the chameleon or whatever at that point,
just puts it down and just boots the door in the door.
Just like does this sick like floppy fly right into the room.
But it's so good.
So we come like they call the cops the one cop at the sheriff who shows up with her
backup cop with a backup cop from out of town.
That's when we find out that the sheriff and you know,
he's also known as that the whole town's in on it and kind of like,
you know, get back in there.
You got to die.
Has the other cop take live arrest live drive off who then gets killed by Tito.
Which is just great.
One of your favorite fight scenes, if I remember scenes, if I remember correctly.
That is correct.
That is a great fight scene.
Tito gets his balls that he says he has smashed into the butt of a.
The shotgun.
He just gets fucking whipped with until he passes out.
He just gets beaten the balls till he blacks out
and he begs for mercy the whole time.
So good.
That's like a turtle.
So eventually the cop brings Nick Cage back to Willie.
Willie kills the cop, then like proceeds to like beat the shit out of Nicholas Cage,
leaves him for dead in the ball pit, though supposedly has to eat people.
Yeah, they tenderizing balls.
So I would say for all the actual fun, stupid action in this film,
the Willie fight is so lame, slow motion, like wide swings.
The Willie suit, I don't think lends itself well to fighting.
None of them actually did.
The the fight choreography really boils down to shaky cam
and that's how they achieved any kind of action.
But the gorilla was fun.
The ostrich was fun.
Those are the best fights for sure.
Well, then the only one that he doesn't kill is a siren, Sarah.
Right. But she blows herself up when she blows up the car.
Yeah. With Tex McAdoo, Tex McAdoo.
Second best name in the movie.
Yeah. The next day.
What's the best one? Tito Turtle could be whatever the serial killer's name was
because he got a sweet three name name.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're right.
A real Bart Harley Jarvis.
Yeah, he's a real Bart Harley Jarvis.
Jerry Robert Willis.
Oh, Jerry Robert Willis. That's a good one.
All in all, this movie, um, real light on plot.
It's a you know, it's a horror comedy.
It's if nothing else, inspired heavily by Five Nights at Freddy's
and just like Chuck E.
Cheese culture. Yeah.
You know, Satanism and stuff.
But it's a I don't know.
I I really enjoyed this movie, obviously, because it is just
so dumb and you just like you just let everything go
and you let the movie be the movie.
It's short. It's like an hour and 25 minutes or some shit.
Yeah, I mean, it moves well.
It's like you you're full of like stuff happening.
There's the and there's that awesome dancing.
Nick Cage dancing and playing pinball.
Yeah, that's great.
Improv the entire scene.
That was originally supposed to be like an arcade game,
but they realized it was just going to be cheaper
to make a custom pinball machine.
So they went that way.
I mean, the movie cost five million dollars
and it did not do well because it it was covid.
Yeah, it released right when everything shut down.
So real tough sell there.
How much of that do you think went to licensing Freebird?
I was looking that up.
Obviously, they're not going to just post it online.
But typically a song for a movie would be like under sixty thousand dollars
for something of that scale, like a classic rock.
That's way lower than I actually thought.
Yeah. But we're going to use all our Patreon money to get Freebird.
Five seconds of Freebird.
We're going to have a very last episode.
Close. Don't even try.
Yeah, but they'll come for us.
So this is a rough one in terms of talking about like
Cage's performance because he just has his one.
He has his poster stand for this whole movie. Pretty much.
Yeah, he's very stoic.
The left side of the lip kind of sticks out just enough.
That's his look for the whole movie.
Mm hmm. Yeah. And beating shit. Yeah. And playing pinball.
Yeah. And drinking soda.
I I do love his physicality in this movie.
Like he's not he's, you know, getting out there in years
and they obviously didn't go crazy with like choreography or anything.
But like the way he slams those sodas and like crushes the can
and throws it in the garbage and just the way he like moves and stuff.
He's very self-sure because he's in like decent shape in this, too.
He's no slouch in this film.
Well, he did, you know, give himself a duct tape girdle at one point, too.
But even before that, he was still like just in the T-shirt.
I'm like when he's just mopping, I'm like, you're not slippy.
Yeah, because Pig came out not that long after this and he is definitely lumpier.
That's true.
So, yeah, I mean, what would you say?
Good cage, good movie, good, bad, bad, good, good.
Well, it's definitely a bad movie.
Bad. And I'm here for it.
Yeah. It's a bad movie in the best way.
Yeah. It's a great performance.
Yeah. With what he's given, like if you're doing a horror
comedy movie that probably only had like
a weekend's worth of writing involved in it. Yeah. Whoa.
Yeah. And that's if they were like running out of cocaine or something.
I don't know. But it's it's not a good movie, but it's a lot of fun.
Yeah. I still like this theory that like there is a series of Nick Cage films.
This theory is my own.
Well, there's a series of Nick Cage films where he's just playing like the same guy
just starting at Red Rock West.
Just a guy rocks into a town, solves its problem.
Red rocks into a town.
Red rocks into a town, solves his problem.
Red rocks right back out.
And this fits that mold.
Yeah, it does. Yeah.
Yeah. He is not here to get involved with everybody else's problems.
He's just like, I just want my fucking bitching Camaro or Corvette.
It was a Camaro, I think.
Who fucking I don't know. I'm not a fucking car guy.
Yeah. I have a theater degree.
Yeah. Listen to our God in 60 seconds.
So you know, we don't know shit.
He has a blue car.
I was blue. I know colors and he wants it back.
So unofficial sequel to Red Rock West.
Sure. What was what was your other one?
Looking glass.
I want just got just random guy just driving down the road, buys a motel.
Weird shit happens. He leaves.
Yeah. Like this is telling being a pervert and is like, no murders.
Yeah. No, thanks.
I mean, I mean, I guess you could start with the tow as a pervert.
You know, not for me.
You're not into shrimping.
You know, I'm into shrimp, but not shrimping.
So I worked with this guy.
He was a dance instructor, but he was working for the lighting company.
I worked at.
He used to always talk about like,
oh, man, you know what I mean, too?
You know, I'm a dude.
I like to get with like ballerinas, like dancers and stuff
who are up on their feet all the time.
I fucking suck those toes.
And I'm pretty sure he was just doing it to fuck with us
because he's married and stuff.
He's like, I'll get I'll get in there.
I won't get off those toes until they're white and wrinkly.
Boys, they're going to look like little Bay Shrimp when I'm done.
All right. I'm permanently off.
I know you managed to ruin shrimp for me and Sean. Fuck you.
Yeah. You guys are going to have to like bounce back real fast for Vegas.
I know.
Now it is Mission Shrimp possible.
I'm going to talk about it, too.
I'm going to send you pictures of like sucked up on toes.
Oh, maybe I'll find somebody who's letting
you take a video with me and I'll let them suck on my toes
and I'll suck on their toes.
We got to 69.
We're going to get straight off that plane, go straight to the wind
and just not look at our phones.
We're we're fully shrimp.
I think it's a shrimp.
To be clear, these guys are not staying at the wind.
They're just eating the wind shrimp.
Yes, you're allowed to eat other places.
Yeah, you know, you're not supposed to shit where you eat.
Good point.
All right. What do you guys think about quotes for this one?
I know it's impossible to do any sort of Nick Cage quote.
Did you have any other quotes that stood out or were amusing?
I mean, I liked gorilla greetings.
That's a good one.
I did really enjoy Ozzy Ostrich's like, I'm going to feast on your face.
That was pretty good.
Liv knocks on the door and tries to get him to pay attention.
She's like, you're going to die. You're going to fucking die.
They're going to kill you. And he just like walks away.
And then she says, God, I'm trying to help him understand
that he's going to die in here, but he won't listen.
Yep. I thought maybe he was deaf.
That would have been great at the end.
He just does full sign language to her.
No, he's just definitely doesn't care.
He's too cool for this problem, is my opinion.
So I like to think that Nick Cage's character in this at one point
was a mascot of something.
That's my head canon background for this character.
He's like he was a mascot that, you know, is on the run for something he did.
Or he's an imagineer.
Just his, you know, head is just had too much.
True. Abe Lincoln once came to life and tried to kill him.
That's how he gained his skills.
And hopefully that's what got rid of.
It's a small world.
That's still around, isn't it?
I think so. Yeah. Fuck.
Maybe the Hall of Presidents has gone.
I don't know. No, no, that's still there because they did the
the whole Trump one is is just a reskin on Hillary Clinton
because they really thought she was going to win.
So he's got some some very interesting lips.
I thoroughly enjoyed the ride of the film.
I enjoyed it both times. I watched it.
I mean, it's such an easy movie to watch.
You don't have to pay attention.
You know exactly what's going on.
It's going to happen.
I love the way he did take downs, but because he was always like
with the ostrich, he like reaches in and tears.
It's like mechanical spine out.
It's just spraying like motor oil all over him.
And with the alligator, he like pries its mouth open
and like just shoves his hand in there and like rips out the back of its throat.
It's very like, yeah, it's like old kung fu movie in like or Roadhouse.
It's just like in Roadhouse within Patrick Swayze, tears that guy's throat out.
Oh, God, such a good movie. So gnarly.
But we didn't have a monster truck in this one.
That would have been cool.
That would have been cool instead of getting his fucking sweet car back.
Oh, if they just had you had like, yeah.
He has to drive that lifted Camaro, that blue car straight over Tito Turtle.
So that's Willy's Wonderland.
Yep.
Hard to transition off of that one.
How did that get you, Nick?
I don't know. Just such a hard yupp.
I don't know.
Our second film this week is 1998 Snake Eyes,
which I was shocked to see that date after watching this film.
Why has got some severe post 9 11 vibe?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true.
Nick Cage play this.
This movie could also be a prequel to
Bad Lieutenant because Nick Cage plays a shit cop at a boxing match
who a secretary of defense gets assassinated.
His best friend, Gary Sinise, was the bodyguard who was away from his post.
And Nick Cage has to solve the murder to save his friend.
Lieutenant Dan.
Just had to say, no, no, he's Commander Kevin Dunn.
No, Commander Dunn.
You got it.
There's an actor in this movie.
Also, also Kevin Dunn.
Yes. Except without a name.
Correct. Yes.
I like Kevin Dunn. Yeah.
Did you guys watch Veep?
No. Oh, man, that's a fucking good show.
He's a good character on there.
Also, there's a character I cannot think of the actor,
but it's the guy from the Baby of the Year competition.
Oh, yeah. The host for that.
Oh, OK. Sam.
Some plays like a full on Haseed dude on that show.
And he's so good. His name is Richard Splett.
Awesome. He's a he's a good actor.
Have you watched any of the after party?
No. The first season is just like an after party
after the high school reunion.
Everybody's coming back and like at the after party, somebody gets murdered.
And each episode ends up being like each person's point of view.
But they're all told from their perspective in like separate film styles.
So like one person's story is told as a romantic comedy.
And next one is like film noir and stuff like that.
That's actually kind of cool. It's pretty cool.
You somehow managed to kind of loop this back into this movie.
Yeah, because this whole movie is Nick Cage trying to solve this murder
for his friend and getting different people's stories
and having to piece it all together.
That actually was your best segue ever.
It was. You did it. 32 episodes.
Whoo. What I do.
Don't worry about it.
It'll never happen again. It's fine.
Everybody will.
We'll put a warning at the beginning of the episode.
They'll know when to skip it.
What you're talking about, Sean, I think was actually my favorite part,
because I watched this and I texted Nick after like 40 minutes of it.
And I had to stop watching that night.
And I was like, this movie is kind of fucking good.
Like, I love this multi perspective kind of thing.
And then they don't do it anymore. They start it.
So it all takes place at a boxing match. Nick Cage is there.
And the first thing that puts him on the case is the box
that you bet on the heavyweight champ goes down.
As soon as the gunshot goes off, like his head shoots up.
And Nick Cage is like, that guy didn't get knocked out.
He's who my money was on.
And that's he goes to interview him.
There is a very nice touch where once Nick Cage realizes
he's going to be on the news because he wants to run for mayor one day,
he needs a nicer, not shitty shirt to be like shot in.
So any time they do a lot filmed in.
Yeah, right. Good point.
Anytime they do a flashback and he's in like the paisley, like the yellow shirt.
The yellow shirt, you know, it's a flashback.
That shirt is also so sick.
Like it had so many good elements.
Like, did you notice on the back of the collar, the collar, like, well,
come to like a point and then like back out.
That was a good shirt. I'd wear the shit out of that.
I loved that shirt. The shirt wasn't the problem.
It's like the leather dress jacket.
That's the problem.
I don't know. That was a pretty good jacket, too.
This is a jacket that represents personal freedom.
I mean, personal freedom to have an affair and yell at his wife
for it because he's not, you know, about pizza.
Oh, man. What was that line when he's talking about his
like, Dunn's like, Oh, how's I don't remember his wife's name, Stacey.
And he's like, Oh, Daisy. Oh, the fat happy.
I love her. And he's like, No, no, no, not her.
The other one. Oh, Monica, skinny, angry.
I love her.
It's like, oh, man, I love the character he brings in this
because he's just like he's Atlantic City.
Yeah. I mean, this is where it's taking place.
He's just like, we're dealing.
Yeah, there's a tropical storm, Teresa or some shit going on.
And he's just like, he's having a blast.
He's like at the fight.
He's got his good buddy from back in the day in town
who got him like front row seats at the fight.
The boxer is like from the same school as him.
So like he's always constantly trying to like meet him
and talk about whatever fucking mascot they had.
And I mean, you see like, oh, he chases down
Louise Guzman or whatever.
And he's him down.
Yeah, because he's apparently a drug dealer.
And like, that's his only part, like 30 seconds of movie there.
But he takes his money and breaks all of his drugs and tells him like,
that's the that's the cost of doing business.
Oh, he's in one of the flashbacks to.
Yeah. Of the same scene. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, the lead up to that scene.
Yeah, I'm still mad at Louise Guzman because he owes me money.
Like legitimately, he tipped me no dollars.
He came in with his family to a Chili's in West Springfield, Massachusetts.
I got fucked by Louise Guzman.
Oh, man.
I bet he enjoyed the shit out of those baby back ribs that night, too.
He probably got like, I don't know, Southwest poppers or some shit.
Yeah. So the crux of this film is it tries to like do the three point of view thing.
It's Rashomon for any film buffs out there.
Well, OK, it's wanted. It wanted to be.
The thing is, nobody ever lies.
There's no like it would have been cool if he had to piece the mystery together.
But after the second flashback, which is Gary Sinise's flashback
him killing the terrorist, we just find out that Gary Sinise
like set up this whole thing.
Yeah, we learn he's the bad guy at about the 25 minute mark.
It's a little bit further than that.
But in a two hour movie, you've got about like an hour
and 20 minutes of knowing the entire conceit to the movie.
While Nicolas Cage still has to like piece it together
up until about like the last, I don't know, 45 minutes, 40 minutes of the movie.
But it just makes for a real painful like half hour of like,
oh, God, I'm doing this.
And like we have to listen to Gary Sinise say his lines with that stupid face of his.
He does have a stupid face.
Damn it. It is dumb, isn't it?
It looks too short.
Like somebody sat on his head as a younger man, too.
It looks even weirder. Oh, yeah.
Oh, and he has that hippie hair and he's all iron sides and Forrest Gump. Right.
Yeah. For the first 40 minutes, movies like this movie is pretty good.
Yeah. His energy is just popping.
But once they kind of give up the give up the ghost is that the frame ghost or go.
Well, I'll tell you, Joseph's going to tell you.
Yeah, Josie, drop it in the cup.
Please do.
This is the lion's share all over again.
But once you once they give give that up, it's just like,
oh, it's like, what are the stakes now?
He's trying to save the informant.
Well, he doesn't even know, like from the beginning that it is an informant situation.
It's I mean, the Carla Gugino Gugino.
How do you say her name?
I couldn't see her name past that huge cleavage.
Man, that's how you distract them.
I'm looking not going to lie.
Like there's big, big honkers.
I OK. Sorry.
Two, two stories.
So a big honker has a very specific reference for my family now,
because any time Cora takes a big shit because she's always really backed up,
she'll just poop and then she'll go big honker.
The first time you've ever name checked your kid on the podcast.
That's true.
We'll see how I edit that out or in.
I don't know.
And then I remember seeing what did Sin City or not was it Sin City?
That's the that's the black and white.
Yeah.
When did that come out?
Twenty two thousand four something two thousand four.
Two thousand five something in that window.
It was after high school.
I know. Yeah.
After high school, but enough that I was still like horny
and I remember she takes off her top in that and I was like, damn, that is a two
thousand five. That's a hot ass woman.
So a secretary of defense is killed supposedly because of
they're testing out like a missile system.
Yeah. Some missile defense system.
Yeah.
Which they've been giving false false.
The test results. Yeah.
And the center, the secretary is going to like probably vote it down
because he is getting, you know, getting pressure from the libs.
Well, if he knew that it didn't work, then he went to allotted government money for it.
But they already said he was kind of like on the fence about it.
And OK, fine, I guess it doesn't really have anything to do with anything.
But what is it even more is there's after Jason's kills
his two cohorts in this assassination.
Oh, yeah.
Because Nick Cage knows too much and he can't kill his friend
because his friends is alibi.
After he kills his two cohorts, he meets with the guy
who's trying to open this casino.
The other threat coming a casino who we see around,
but I don't think has a lot of lines.
But there's this whole other thing where they need to sell the missile system
to get money to finish the casino, to fund something else like it.
Like there's so much needless extra plot to this.
Yeah. That guy's played by John Heard, who was probably most famously
the dad from Home Alone.
Oh, yeah. OK. He's Kevin McAlister's dad.
Yeah. Yeah. This movie tries to go too deep.
It it really wants to be the Manchurian candidate
and like have some real thick like government conspiracy shit going on.
But it's never going to be that.
I mean, for one, you got Nick Cage.
So that's pretty cool. Yeah.
Suck it, Manchurian candidate.
I mean, it could probably be.
Like you bring the job.
Yeah. Another Manchurian candidate.
But with Nick Cage, you get it.
I haven't seen the original in a really long time.
It's really good.
I was upset when I bought the Denzel one
because I accidentally bought it in full screen, not wide screen.
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
That's unwatchable.
Now it was real rough to put that on and be like,
the lines are on the wrong side of the TV.
I had a girlfriend once.
But congratulations.
I only brought two bottles of champagne.
I had a girlfriend.
I had a girlfriend once trying to do something nice for me.
Like when I first started dating, bought me a copy of Sam
and the Spider-Man on DVD, but bought me the full screen edition.
Oh, I did break up with her shortly after.
Good. Partially because of that.
Yeah. I mean, I can go home and hate myself.
That's fine.
I got that in spades.
What were we talking about?
All right. So, I mean, like we did the in-depth plot line of Willy's Wonderland,
and we are not hitting on any of the plot line.
So that has a plot.
So these is trying to like track down this woman who turns out to be an informant
who's going to tell the senator about the fake missile tests.
Mm hmm. That's why fake muzzle tough.
That's why the senator, that's where the defense secretary was killed
and she was shot because they were trying to assassinate her as well.
They hired a terror, a known terrorist to pull off the assassination.
Which like that's just classic racism, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Again, this is why I was like, this is some real post 9-11 thugs.
Oh, yeah. The suicide note, they stick in his pocket.
That's all like, oh, I'm going to have my 72 virgins and live in the shadow of all.
Yeah, I do like the scene where like they're setting up for the assassination
because they just like have a plastic grocery bag that the guy pulls like
sniper rifle out of. Yeah.
And then he goes into this like little box to like shoot him from,
like not bust out the glass and shoot him from.
Yeah, he basically was like the end cap from a grocery store
and shot him from underneath the stands. Miller like a Miller beer ad.
After he does that, when Gary Smith shoots him,
someone else comes up with another grocery bag that he pulls his gun out of.
Like, I'm pretty sure you have a gun, buddy.
You think you're I didn't even notice that.
Oh, yeah. Like I was so distracted with this movie.
It's the extra part. You got to keep your ballistics clean.
Yeah. Good point.
I did notice after he kills his cohorts, like the cleanup crew,
they're putting them in tubes and the whole end credits
is them putting up the concrete pillars. Oh, yeah.
So I'm like, oh, that's kind of a cool touch.
Well, and then at the end, you see like the woman's ring, like on the outside.
I'm like, ah, I felt clever.
And you just had to go and throw it out there.
I mean, they showed them lowering a body into the forms when Nick Cage was beat up.
That's what I know. Yeah.
Also, just like as much as I enjoy watching construction workers work,
I've made a living out of it, but it was the most awkward credits of just watching.
It reminded me of the widest kid, you know, Jaws scale.
Just the slow close up.
Do you know that one, Peter? I don't.
We're going to watch it after.
You're here. Imagine me laughing.
Yeah, we'll watch it after.
We're going to play.
But so Nick Cage gets the informant first.
Hides her in bay doors.
Yeah. So at one point when I was watching this, like, I think I went into a fugue state
and I did not see any of her going into this room that she is locked in,
because later they cut to her and I'm like, the fuck is this?
Yeah, he takes her there.
Yeah, he puts her in there.
It's like it looks like it's built to be.
I think it's a loading dock or it's like a storage room, but with weirdly high security.
And they're storing weird shit in there, too, like fake missiles and stuff
because of what it's going to be.
It has like missile decorations and shit.
But it's it's really, really weird.
And it's just like one sheet of corrugated metal.
There's no insulation, no, like wall or anything separating it from outside,
because we get something that like flies through it near the end in the hurricane.
So, yes, Nick Cage figures out that she's not going to be able to get in.
Figures out Gary Sinise is being the bad guy.
You should have just looked at his face.
Yeah, such a dumb.
But like finds proof.
They see he's destroyed the proof, but then like takes cage,
has the boxer heavyweight champion, eat him up for the information.
So Nick Cage is just like all fucked up like it can't talk for shit,
like big fucked up, like a big old goose eggs like.
You're going to edit that in earlier, and I'm going to sound like an asshole.
I'm talking about other things.
Don't tempt me with a good time.
So he wakes up from his pummeling and goes to goes to like find the girl
and Gary Sinise is following them.
The hurricane is picking up in this whole movie.
I'm like, why is there a hurricane again for this very next scene?
There's lightning outside.
Every time there's lightning, you can see Gary Sinise's shadow behind Nick Cage.
So like with the gun, so Nick Cage turns around and I'm not going to tell you.
Nick Cage finally goes in there with with her.
At this time, there is a reporter outside.
There's a big sphere that starts rolling down the street
that fell off the building.
At the same time, a cop van is rolling up the other side,
swerves out of the way of the big sphere into the double doors.
Just in time to catch Gary Sinise before he murders everybody.
Yeah, perfect timing.
Some little like real Deus Ex mocking at a wrap that story up.
But everything in this movie is so planned out.
And then they get to the end and they're just like,
I don't fucking know.
Cop van punches through the wall.
And then Gary Sinise kills himself in the dumbest way,
but he's kind of shoot himself to like, I guess he probably hit his lung,
but that wouldn't have been instant.
Yeah, I don't know.
It was very unsatisfying.
Yeah. And then.
Oh, man. And his stupid dumb face and his stupid dumb voice is like,
oh, but the murderer.
Oh, they killed.
Oh, and then like he's standing there with his fucking handgun
with like a silent footlong silencer on it.
And the cops are all like,
fucking shut up you with the gun.
Why don't you get on the ground?
You with that gun for murder?
Yeah, you murder weaponer.
So the Nick Cage hero cop,
all these reports about this big hero cop and then the movie remembers
what he was a piece of shit.
So he has his come up and come immediately.
Yeah, he gets a lot of accolades and then you see him
like getting swarmed by cops while he's jumping into his yellow Ferrari
or whatever, and all of his corruption stings and everything come out.
And then he goes to jail.
Well, then the movie then he meets up with the informant again at the end
who they have had no chemistry in this movie.
And then she's all like, I don't know.
She took her glasses off at least one time.
Yeah. At the very beginning, they were broken broke.
And then she couldn't see shit for the whole movie.
That's why she likes him.
Yeah. Well, it's like she needs someone's like, or she's like,
you have a wife and she ran away.
Oh, you have a girlfriend.
She ran away, too.
And it's like, I don't know.
But like, you know, if you're free in 12 to 18 months
and you want to like get a drink, I'd like that.
Yeah. He says he's headed upstate for a while and she's like, oh, yeah.
And then she catches on. It's like, oh, yeah.
The pen. But yeah.
And they're like, and then they share a kiss and the movie ends.
And the most unsatisfying, like none of that, like a solid
first half that just immediately falls apart.
So Nick, what do you put this good cage, bad cage, bad cage, good cage,
bad cage, good movie, good cage, bad movie, bad, good, bad, good, bad.
I used to be good at.
Pretty mediocre cage.
So I guess it falls to like just not a good cage.
He started out so strong and he had elements where he really connected
to the script that I liked, but it was super inconsistent.
I felt especially near the end.
He just kind of got flat unlike his face, which was real bulbous.
I mean, it was fine, but I mean, the audience
knows what's going on so early that I just stop caring.
It's like, oh, OK, well, I know minus one or two little details
what the whole conceit of this is.
So I'll just sit here and I'll get to the end.
Doesn't matter why he did it. Yeah.
To the audience. No, it doesn't.
Yes, I would also kind of agree mediocre performance by cage
with a lot of highs, but a lot of lows.
So just kind of middle, middling performance and not good movie.
Yeah. But you got to hear him do like mush mouth, beat up face
talking at the end.
That's a character actor, baby.
I don't think he went out on the weekends and like got beat up
to might have for the method acting.
Well, it played off later in Pig when he gets beat up.
He's been working his whole career just trying to figure out how to get beat up.
Yeah. Do you guys have quotes?
My quote comes from when Nick Cage is in the stairwell
and he's talking to Julia and she's told him that it was done that
or she saw kill everybody. Yeah.
Like done was the one he was waiting there to kill the terrorists.
He's involved.
And she's just like, look, I'm sorry.
And Rick's like, who gives a shit if you're sorry?
She's like, are you mad at her?
What are you mad at me for?
He's just like, because I didn't have to know you decided to have this problem.
Not me. My world would have gone to gone on turning just fine.
But now either way I look, I have to do something I don't want to do.
Do you understand? I do not want to do this
because he has to go arrest his friend.
Yeah. Or ignore murders. Right.
So he's kind of stuck in a rock and a hard place sort of situation.
Mine was from like when he's all coked out at the beginning
and guns telling him is like, you know, come into private security,
make more money, get his son out of there, tell him.
Oh, yeah, this is his son.
You know, don't make Michael grow up here.
It's not a beach town anymore. It's a sewer.
But it's my sewer, Jiminy.
And I love it. In six square blocks.
Everybody knows me. I got the whole town wired.
If I manage to get my face on TV a few times,
maybe I'll run for mayor or something.
But that's as far as I want to go because I was made for the sewer, baby.
And I am the king.
Yeah. Is I loved his character in the beginning.
He had just cool energy.
He was a slimeball, but he was never like a bad person.
He just wasn't on the level.
I don't know. He did shake down a Guzman for money
so he could like give him good.
Somebody's got to get paid.
But so he tries to make it.
I want my like twenty dollar tip.
Well, I don't think this is going to be a big surprise question,
but what movie moves on?
This is a prime category.
Oh, this is a we say that.
It's the end of fucking weird.
Yeah, this is our last five.
I think it has to be the weirder film.
Yeah, it does have to be that one is also the better film.
Willy's Wonderland.
Who we nailed that speaking together.
Well, like a dick suck a dick.
Last thoughts. No, suck a toe.
Oh, suck a toe.
Suck a toe. Suck a toe.
Suck a toe.
Sounds like that sounds like a town in Washington.
Suck a toe. Suck a toe.
Yeah. Well, fuck, man.
We did it.
We got through season one.
Thirty two whole episodes, baby.
Let's do it. So let's do it all again.
Yeah, absolutely. From the top.
Oh, God, no. Fuck you.
But yeah, thank you all for listening and stick with us for season two.
We're going to have a little bit of an interim.
I think what we're going to do is a bit of a wrap up episode.
I'm only mad about one movie.
Yeah, I know.
We're both mad that Primal didn't move on and it's a fucking shame.
It hurts. It hurts every day.
We'll figure out how to retcon it in the next episode.
We are also trying to record a special bonus episode for the retirement plan,
which was supposed to come out on the 28th of August
and now is coming out on the 15th of September,
maybe in theaters, maybe not.
We're going to find out.
We'll record something for that.
And then we've got a couple little one off episodes for you all
with some old friends of ours.
And beyond that, they tuned for season two.
Yeah.
Oh, I have a fun little anecdote for you today.
Yeah, please.
And my morning stand up, one of the members of the marketing team,
their theme was like, what is a brand you are loyal to?
And it came to me and I'm like, can a person be a brand?
And they're like, sure.
And I'm like, cool.
This won't surprise anyone on my team, but the rest of you,
I am the biggest Nick Cage fan and the man still puts out quality work
and I will watch anything he's in.
I thought you would have said like Kirkland Sparkle Buddies.
Yeah, this is sponsored by Kirkland brand Sparkle Buddies.
Speaking of, thank you for your support to our Sparkle Buddies,
Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt and Adam.
What was that thing you just did?
What? A segue?
I don't think that's right.
And to our cage dancers, I read John Freeman and Lance.
If anyone wants to support us on Patreon, we are available at Cage Match.
If you want to shoot the shit with us on Reddit or tell us that we're dumb,
which most people do, we are at Cage Match Pod.
And we're also on Instagram, Twitter, et cetera.
Find us. Look for Nick and Sean's faces.
You know them well.
Mm hmm. Thank you, everybody.
This has been a blast. Thank you for taking this ride with us.
It's not done. So don't give up on us.
Yeah, it sounds like we're all dying or something.
We might. We might be. I don't know.
A little. We're all dying.
Every day is a little closer to death.
You guys want to do a satanic cult? Yeah.
What are we trying to?
Oh, we're going to put ourselves into the mics
and then we'll will the mics to Hayden.
My soul is going to go into that lava lamp right there.
And it's just going to be like dick shapes all the time.
Oh, beautiful. Beautiful.
Yeah, I'm just looking around the room like there's a lot of options in here.
You say behind the lamp, that's cool.
Yeah. Oh, you wanted light, bitch.
Guess what?
Turning off.
You know, how did how did any ask that way?
People have to blow on me all the time.
It just an NES that moans.
Oh, bye bye.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Bye bye.