1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,400 From the time that they pronounced me deaf was a good 45 minutes. 2 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:13,440 They cut my clothes and then they paddled my heart, my heart had stopped. 3 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:18,120 And I could see people screaming and crying, but I didn't realize that was actually my 4 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,320 physical body because I was somewhere else. 5 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:27,400 The only thing that I could feel, if you could imagine, absolute love and peace, there wasn't 6 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,400 anything else to be felt. 7 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,560 I was greeted by people I'd known in the past. 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,160 I'm back home again. 9 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:39,160 Incredibly safe and felt at home. 10 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:45,320 Welcome, welcome to RoundTripDeath everybody and our very special guest today, Janice Callahan. 11 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,120 Down from the heart of Texas, how are you Janice? 12 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,960 I'm Gray Eric, hello. 13 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,840 Hi, it's good to see you. 14 00:00:53,840 --> 00:01:00,480 Hey, before we jump into your near-death experience, I want our listeners to get to know you just 15 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,480 a little bit. 16 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,600 So one minute go, who is Janice? 17 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,280 Tell us anything you feel like. 18 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:15,920 Okay, I am a mom of three amazing, lovely children and age gap siblings. 19 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:22,360 So I'm also, I have a little one still at home and then I also am a grandmother and 20 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,520 absolutely love that role. 21 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,720 It's all that I thought it would be. 22 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,520 I love being out in nature. 23 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,240 I'm a reader. 24 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,240 I crochet. 25 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,480 I love music. 26 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:38,280 I spend a lot of time just carrying and ministering for others in various different ways. 27 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:42,600 Okay, you're not allowed to tell untruths on this show. 28 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:48,240 I was trying not to say lie, but when you say you're a grandmother, people that are watching 29 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:53,480 the video version of this are going to go no way, she's a liar. 30 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,880 You can't be a grandmother at age 30. 31 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,560 Oh, that's sweet. 32 00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:59,360 Thank you, Eric. 33 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:00,360 Thank you. 34 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:01,760 I'm well over 30. 35 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,080 I assure you. 36 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,080 All right. 37 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,080 All right. 38 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,240 Enough buttering you up. 39 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,360 It's still lighting. 40 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,360 Okay. 41 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,480 All right. 42 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:19,240 So Janice, give us an idea of what your life was like prior to your near death experience. 43 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:23,800 We're going to talk about the experience and then talk about maybe how things have changed, 44 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,960 how there's a new Janice since then. 45 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,360 So what were you doing with your life prior? 46 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,360 I was in technical cells for a long time. 47 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:40,960 I sold things to large aerospace companies, things like software and hardware. 48 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:47,480 That kind of always been in marketing and in cells for my professional career and led 49 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,480 what I would call a double life. 50 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:57,800 And so I, for 20 years, was very successful in cells, but then also had an addiction issue 51 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:03,720 that nobody really knew about that I hid very, very well and worked. 52 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,200 And I guess I was what you would call a functioning addict. 53 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,520 Okay. 54 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,120 But somehow you had a really successful career anyway, right? 55 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,400 Yeah, I did. 56 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:18,240 I had the things that we look at on the outside that beams success, right? 57 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:25,600 I had a nice home, nice vehicle, money in the bank, kids and activities, sports activities 58 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,520 and doing all of the things. 59 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:35,680 But the reality was is that I was hurting a lot on the inside and I was self-medicating 60 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,440 with narcotics. 61 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:43,280 And so it created a whole lot of internal unrest. 62 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,680 Happens a lot, doesn't it? 63 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,280 More often than we think. 64 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,120 Yeah, unfortunately, there's a lot of it. 65 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:51,120 Okay. 66 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:55,720 We're not passing any judgment on anybody in that kind of situation except to let you 67 00:03:55,720 --> 00:04:02,920 know there's hope and that hope comes in all kinds of ways for you started with the 68 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,160 NDE, right? 69 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,160 Yes. 70 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:06,160 Yes. 71 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,160 Okay. 72 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,520 What's going on? 73 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:14,800 I would say I was coming to the end of the holding everything together in the successful 74 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:21,120 management of the splintered or double life. 75 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:28,280 So there was some serious trauma that had happened about three weeks prior to this event. 76 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:38,240 And so I was suffering with a lot of anxiety and like PTSD, I had recently come off of 77 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,840 a lot of prescription pills. 78 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:43,360 They were prescribed to me. 79 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,880 I didn't use them as prescribed. 80 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:52,920 And so when I hold turkey, went off of them, it related in a ton of blood pressure issues 81 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,560 and I actually had an eating disorder at the time. 82 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,520 So I wasn't eating properly. 83 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:01,080 And it was just like the perfect storm, if you can imagine. 84 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:08,080 So the night that I had my NDE was basically I was suicidal, Eric. 85 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,320 I was in mass. 86 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,960 Now you had kids at this time. 87 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:12,960 Were you married? 88 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:13,960 No. 89 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:19,800 There was just a bunch of stuff going on in your life, obviously, in addition to the 90 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,320 drugs. 91 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,880 So did you have an overdose? 92 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,080 Is that what brought this on? 93 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,080 It is. 94 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,560 Okay, tell me about it. 95 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:35,400 Well, most people who have been in any kind of addiction, we kind of know our limit, right? 96 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:40,080 And we know what we can do and what we can't do. 97 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,240 And I was very, I would say, cautious. 98 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,520 Remember I was functioning, so I always had to go to work the next day. 99 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,000 So I didn't get too wild. 100 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,000 And so this night, I wasn't getting too wild per se. 101 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:58,600 In fact, it was almost as soon as I ingested the drug, so it was a drug that you smoke, 102 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:05,760 and I don't want to trigger people, but it was a drug that you smoke. 103 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:10,600 And I had only taken like a little bit. 104 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,520 So it was like an instantaneous reaction. 105 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:19,920 I had taken a little bit of one type of drug and then somewhat actually blew marijuana smoke 106 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,560 in my face in addition to that. 107 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:26,960 And I don't know if it was because both of them had just entered my system, but it was 108 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:32,840 kind of like an anaphylactic reaction where instantly my throat started to close and I 109 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:36,680 could not get any air whatsoever. 110 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,320 Had you had this kind of allergic reaction before? 111 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:41,320 Never. 112 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,320 Huh. 113 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,320 Okay, keep going. 114 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,840 I was terrified because I couldn't breathe. 115 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:55,720 And I was like, you know, trying so hard to get air into my lungs and relatively quickly, 116 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,800 quickly, kind of like if you were choking on food, I guess. 117 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,840 So there is some time where I was like, oh gosh, I can't breathe. 118 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:03,840 I can't breathe. 119 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:07,880 I needed to sit down and the person that I was with helped me to sit on the couch. 120 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:13,440 But very quickly, my eyesight, I started to see tunnel vision. 121 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:17,880 And then I realized I was in serious trouble. 122 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:24,560 And I remember at the point, like I remember trying to dial 911 and him saying, like, we 123 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:25,640 don't need to do that. 124 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,160 You're just breathe, just breathe. 125 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,440 And I could not breathe. 126 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:33,800 So I would call it like an anaphylactic shock reaction or something. 127 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:34,800 I don't know. 128 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:35,800 Yeah. 129 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:41,760 Tip of the day, by the way, if you're ever with someone that says call 911 or is trying, 130 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,080 just do it. 131 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,640 Don't judge and tell them, ah, you're fine. 132 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:47,640 Yeah. 133 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:52,520 And I think in this, you know, in this lifestyle, though, it happens a lot because no one wants 134 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,520 to get in trouble. 135 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,040 Eric, they're more worried. 136 00:07:55,040 --> 00:08:01,440 People are usually more worried about getting in trouble than saving someone's life, unfortunately. 137 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:08,840 And it was relatively quickly that I began to, in my mind, I'm praying and I'm asking, 138 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,520 you know, God to help. 139 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,760 That was my immediate reaction internally. 140 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:21,120 And it was very quickly that I started to feel a sense of my spirit begins separating 141 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,600 from my body. 142 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:29,360 I don't know how to describe it, but it was like this pulling away from my actual vessel. 143 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:34,040 I like to call it a meat suit. 144 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:42,720 And it, and I remember my spirit floating to the corner of this person's living room. 145 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:51,040 And so for a moment, I'm looking back at myself and it's really wild because I'm seeing myself 146 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,480 in the corner of the room from my own eyes as well. 147 00:08:53,480 --> 00:09:01,080 So it was like I could see here from my eyes, but as the spirit see from the corner of the 148 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,920 room. 149 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:07,120 And then it was like I was back in my body, but I felt like, I felt like if this person 150 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:11,800 would stay with me, like it's hard to describe, but I felt like I needed to be tethered to 151 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:16,920 the earth because it felt as though I was just going to float into oblivion at this 152 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:18,240 point. 153 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:26,360 I remember at this point looking down at my body and knowing my body is dying. 154 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:31,920 I could feel like every cell, every organ in my body, I was acutely aware of everything 155 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:32,920 physical. 156 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,680 Like, I mean, I remember thinking like my eyelashes. 157 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:41,640 I was, I was thinking about somehow like the, I could, I could sense that my organs were 158 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,960 shutting down. 159 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:49,160 And I remember trying to breathe, trying to get a breath, but knowing my lungs wouldn't 160 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:50,160 expand. 161 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:55,040 I looked down at my chest and I'm willing my heart to beat and nothing's happening. 162 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,040 I know I'm in trouble. 163 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:02,440 And in terms of like my, my body is giving up. 164 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:09,720 It's tired and rightfully so, you know, I was really hard on my body and didn't really 165 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:16,480 have a lot of value in my body, you know, um, through that lifestyle, through different 166 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:22,400 traumas that I had throughout my life, you know, I just was like an object to others 167 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,600 and to myself. 168 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:32,040 So I was really like for the first time realizing like my, my well-being, my body and my life 169 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:37,320 were actually precious, but that I took that for granted. 170 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:42,040 I started actually using, uh, substances as a very young girl. 171 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,320 And so it was, it was part of my life. 172 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,240 It was part of the people that I was around. 173 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:50,520 We all did something in some shape, fashion or form. 174 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:58,280 And I'm having this understanding of how easy it is and how fragile our bodies are and how 175 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:04,280 easy it is for our bodies to stop working properly. 176 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:09,880 And as this is happening, I see my heart, it was like, I was willing my heart to, to 177 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:16,120 beat and it was like it, it made one last very hard beat. 178 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:20,880 And like I saw it happen with, with my own eyes that I'm looking down at just, and then 179 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,080 I closed my eyes here. 180 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,840 When I opened my eyes, I was in a completely different place. 181 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:32,240 This is almost a two-part kind of thing where you, isn't it? 182 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,280 I mean, you talked about leaving your body slowly. 183 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:38,720 That's an unusual thing that I don't hear every day. 184 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:43,680 It is pretty common for people to see their own body and some of what's going on. 185 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:48,520 But then, but then to kind of, okay, here's the second act. 186 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:49,800 Interesting. 187 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:50,800 Jump into that. 188 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:51,800 Yeah. 189 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,800 So it was like an out-of-body experience and then a near-death experience, right? 190 00:11:55,800 --> 00:12:00,720 If I would have been rendered eight or anything, if maybe it would have just been the out-of-body 191 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:07,520 experience, I presume, but because I wasn't, then it was full on death at that point. 192 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:12,960 And when I closed my eyes here, I opened my eyes and I was in the most beautiful place. 193 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:22,760 It was like a realm of this magnificent color that looked like an opal. 194 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,840 It was a living color. 195 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,920 I'm going to try to describe it, but just know that I'm going to do my best, but I still 196 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,080 can't do it justice. 197 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:37,640 So if you close your eyes and you just picture an opal, an opal has fire to it and it is a 198 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:44,000 multi-dimensional gem and it like turns different colors, so it was like, I was seeing lavender, 199 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:49,920 I was seeing some kind of like a gray, I was seeing like a fiery orange color. 200 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:56,280 And in this place, it was like the room was round, but without a door, no windows that 201 00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:00,280 I saw, I was just instantly there. 202 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:08,720 To my left, I see three very, very tall, ethereal, what I recognize as angels, and I'm five 203 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:14,520 foot so in actuality, they were much, much taller, seven or eight feet. 204 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:25,040 Very strong, looked very human-like, but without skin, without features like we have, and they're 205 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:29,920 very, very, I guess I would say like powerful. 206 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:36,040 I guess they're translucent so I can see through them and they're a bluish color, a very, very 207 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,520 like an electric bluish hue. 208 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:46,640 I can see right through them and one extended its hand to me. 209 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:52,600 I couldn't see whether they were male or female per se, but the one that extended its hand 210 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:58,560 to me seemed like a masculine presence. 211 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:06,280 And I immediately swatted his hand away and I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 212 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:13,840 I felt like I went with them that I was going to stay wherever I was, which I call this 213 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,600 place heaven, I call this place paradise. 214 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:23,080 Like this was, it was a small, I was only seeing a small section of it, but it was more beautiful 215 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:27,800 than any beautiful experiences I've had on earth combined. 216 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:33,840 I believe that I wanted to, I'm immediately thinking, yes, I'm dying and in this moment, 217 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,760 no, no, no, I don't want to live. 218 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,600 I want to be with my children. 219 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:43,280 And that was still the way that I felt. 220 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:47,360 Now at this time, I, like I said, I was struggling with a lot of depression. 221 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:52,800 So I even in the days leading up to this had been saying things and even telling people 222 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:59,080 and, and, and ruminating on these, these suicidal ideas and that I would be better off and my 223 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:04,240 family would be better off and, and the pain that I was feeling was too great. 224 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:09,600 And then when I was in the throes of it, I realized, no, no, no, that's not what I want. 225 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,320 That's not at all what I want. 226 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,000 I want to live. 227 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,120 I want to enjoy my life. 228 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:21,360 I want to live differently as I'm, you know, was, was dying. 229 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:28,720 And then now in this, so immediately in front of me, Eric, I don't, I don't know the measurements. 230 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,720 Okay. 231 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,240 So I'm saying like eight, seven, eight feet tall. 232 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,240 I don't know the measurements. 233 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:39,080 I mean, there was no measurement stick, but I perceive the presence in front of me to 234 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,880 be a hundred feet tall. 235 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,520 This very, it was a spirit. 236 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:48,760 I could not see it, but I could feel the presence. 237 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:56,080 And there was this powerful love just radiating from this presence. 238 00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:02,560 And the first thing that comes to my mind is I'm feeling all of that love. 239 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:06,000 And the first thing that comes to my mind is thank you, Jesus, for your sacrifice on 240 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,000 the cross. 241 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:14,720 I'd always been a believer, not really active or practicing my faith, but that was the first 242 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:15,720 thing. 243 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:20,320 And then I, when I tried to talk, I didn't actually need to speak. 244 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:24,800 It immediately transmitted like from my mind outward. 245 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:29,680 I knew that this power was like a million volts of electricity. 246 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:35,800 Like this was so powerful that I could have spontaneously combusted in this presence. 247 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,300 Okay. 248 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,880 I've got a million questions. 249 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:43,440 So we're going to, we're going to take us, why pause and we're going to cut, you remember 250 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,360 exactly where you were right there. 251 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,080 I want to go kind of from there backwards. 252 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:53,440 So this hundred foot presence is different than the three other seven to eight foot beings 253 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,440 that you saw, right? 254 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,440 Yes. 255 00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:04,360 Do you have an idea of, well, in your mind, who do you think this big presence was? 256 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:05,860 The Father. 257 00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:11,000 So the thought was, thank you, Jesus, for your sacrifice on the cross. 258 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,880 This is the Father. 259 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,800 And what exactly did you see with him? 260 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,560 I was not seeing him per se, because he's spirit. 261 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:26,920 And I was seeing through him, but I could feel the love just emanating. 262 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:32,600 And it was so powerful that it's not just simply like, I mean, if you've ever stood 263 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:37,520 close to an electrical transformer and you felt that energy kind of humming out of it. 264 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,520 Yeah. 265 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,600 You can actually feel it even though you can't see it. 266 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:42,600 Yeah. 267 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,080 So I was like, multiply that infinitely. 268 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,200 I was saying, please, please, I want to go back. 269 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,620 Please let me go back. 270 00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:50,620 Please let me. 271 00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:55,440 And I was having this conversation that was very on my side. 272 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,960 I was frantic. 273 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:04,080 I was so upset with myself that I had found myself in this situation, that I had made 274 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,520 the choices that led up to this. 275 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:15,240 And the presence was just so calm, and I felt so safe and so loved, realizing like, I've 276 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,880 never even known love. 277 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,640 And now I'm in front of it. 278 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,920 You know, I'm saying, please, let me go back. 279 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,960 Let me go back. 280 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,920 Immediately, we're in another environment. 281 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:34,600 The second environment is, I always turn my body as I tell my story. 282 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,600 That's okay. 283 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,520 It's like I'm living it. 284 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:44,600 And in front of me, among some kind of platform, and I'm looking at millions of people. 285 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,760 I don't know how many people. 286 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,680 And his presence is right next to me. 287 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,680 And I say, what do I do? 288 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,840 Because all these people are just looking at me. 289 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,840 And they're looking up like, just wait. 290 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,840 I don't know what for. 291 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,560 And they're all standing very close together. 292 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,520 I remember that their arms and their shoulders were touching. 293 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,320 And I saw every nationality. 294 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,800 And nobody was separate. 295 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:16,600 Like it was just a huge group of human beings by the millions, standing there waiting, all 296 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,640 dressed the same. 297 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:23,920 I just, I lean into his presence and say, what do I do? 298 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,760 And his response was simple. 299 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,040 He said, love them. 300 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,880 Who do you think they were? 301 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,960 And what were they doing? 302 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,360 They were just standing there waiting. 303 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,120 Waiting for what? 304 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:40,240 Waiting for me to say something, waiting for, you know, they were there on purpose. 305 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,320 I mean, these were living people on earth. 306 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,240 They weren't relatives that have passed or anything. 307 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,800 These were people that were alive. 308 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:48,960 And they're just waiting. 309 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:49,960 So I said, what do I do? 310 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,400 I guess that his answer was love them. 311 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,600 So I guess they were waiting for love. 312 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,200 I don't know. 313 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:03,360 But I agreed that I could do that and I said, well, what do I say? 314 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:07,040 And again, his response was simple, the truth. 315 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:14,560 And that felt very heavy to me, Eric, because the truth was ugly and how I ended up here 316 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,720 and embarrassing. 317 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:22,560 And so he could have said something else and I would have liked that answer probably more. 318 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:27,360 And he said the truth, so I agreed again. 319 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,760 And then I said, well, what do I need to change though? 320 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:38,400 And what I meant about that was I had led and came to this place struggling with so 321 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,880 much stuff. 322 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:47,520 And so I needed to know how I could magically change myself was what I was asking him. 323 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,960 And his response again, simple. 324 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,840 You can't change yourself. 325 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:53,840 Nothing. 326 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,200 But I knew that he was actually changing me. 327 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:02,400 Just being in that presence of love was transforming me. 328 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,480 I said, OK, all right, I'm looking at them. 329 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,680 I'm like, OK, OK. 330 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:12,080 I said, but where are they going to learn everything? 331 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,760 Because it seemed like they were waiting for something major. 332 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:16,760 Who am I? 333 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:17,760 You know what I'm saying? 334 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:18,760 Who am I? 335 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,440 I'm going to offer all of these individuals. 336 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,640 And he said, it's already inside of you. 337 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,800 And that was really a surprise. 338 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:32,000 Honestly, I was like, what? 339 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,120 So I said, OK, OK. 340 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:38,080 And I wanted to come back so badly to my children. 341 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,360 You know, a mother's love can be very, very powerful. 342 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:47,920 And yes, this was like the most bliss I've ever experienced. 343 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:53,400 But for me, I never, I did not want my babies, my children. 344 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,120 They were actually two of them were grown. 345 00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,120 One was little. 346 00:21:56,120 --> 00:22:04,400 But I still didn't want them to know and have this painful memory of how their mom had expired. 347 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:09,240 And so I said, yes, I'm back in the first environment. 348 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:15,560 And this is the, I guess, the climax of the experience. 349 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:16,800 I'm standing in front of him. 350 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:23,080 I'm looking and it's like this room or wherever we were again, it's like I'm realizing that 351 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:29,720 as his spirit seems to shift, the room shifts with him and sink with him. 352 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,240 And it was amazing. 353 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,320 It was like it was an extension of him. 354 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:43,240 And then I am pulled like just pulled into his spirit. 355 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:50,280 And I'm somehow suspended in the air in his spirit. 356 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:56,600 And I'm looking around and I'm seeing other people are there too. 357 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,440 And they're not aware that they're within him. 358 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:00,640 They're just doing life. 359 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:06,120 So they're having regular daily activities, all of these different people, they're all 360 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:07,120 in him. 361 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:11,440 Again, living people, these were not deceased people. 362 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:17,880 And I, at that point, that's when I look at my hand and I see for the first time I've 363 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:24,040 looked at my body, like I knew I was in my body, but I hadn't just observed. 364 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,240 And at this point, I'm observing my body. 365 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:33,800 It's as though I can see the different layers of, so the layers of skin and then you have 366 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:39,240 the muscle, the tendon, the bone, and then looking further, I could see the cells. 367 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:47,440 I could see the atoms and I'm realizing that he's holding me together. 368 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:55,200 His power, his presence was somehow actually holding my being together. 369 00:23:55,200 --> 00:24:01,280 And I'm just speechless, obviously. 370 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:04,360 And I'm realizing I've never, ever been alone. 371 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:07,880 I've never, ever been going through all of this stuff by myself. 372 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:14,160 If he is literally holding me together, all those times that I cried and I wondered, like, 373 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,960 do you even care about me and what I go through here? 374 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:22,640 Like, as a believer, am I supposed to have some, like, relationship with you? 375 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:26,200 And it's like that, I don't, do you even know me? 376 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,800 You know, do you even know I exist? 377 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,360 Yes, he knows that we exist. 378 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:42,000 He knew I existed and he was literally what was holding me together at the atomic level. 379 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,960 Same for all of these people in him. 380 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:48,800 And I'm seeing that even though we look separate right now, Eric, and you're there and I'm 381 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:55,840 here, we're actually all connected in a very spiritual and supernatural way. 382 00:24:55,840 --> 00:25:03,120 And so I'm understanding also the impact of everything that I do and how it could affect 383 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:10,640 others and vice versa and how paramount love is, his power is love. 384 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:18,360 And so I'm understanding that when I'm acting in a coordinates with a divine love, there's 385 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,400 a power behind that. 386 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:29,520 I'm seeing that things that happened to me in my past, which I considered showstoppers, 387 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,480 horrific tragedies. 388 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:40,680 I'm seeing that there was this bigger purpose being woven through those experiences. 389 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,680 And so I had compassion on the people who hurt me. 390 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:51,720 I'm having more than just like regular compassion or pity, like deep compassion on people who 391 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,720 had hurt me in my life. 392 00:25:54,720 --> 00:26:00,160 And there's just this healing that's taking place inside my being as I'm inside them, 393 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:08,680 like a fusion, you know, like an emergence, a fusion, whatever, a verbiage. 394 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:13,720 But it was healing the pain that was in me. 395 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:18,160 I'm just, it's the most pleasurable feeling that I've ever had. 396 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:24,760 And I was, I considered myself an apps for sure a pleasure seeker and I would seek it 397 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:26,520 through various ways. 398 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:30,080 And a lot of those ways were dangerous, lots of different things. 399 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,000 And I can use your imagination. 400 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:37,160 But I'm realizing that this is the pleasure I've always been seeking and that there's 401 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:41,840 nothing nursing that's more pleasurable than this. 402 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:46,880 Now, when you say then this, is that the feeling of his love? 403 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,040 Is that what you're getting at? 404 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,480 Yes. 405 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,840 Was there anything else that happened before it ended? 406 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:54,840 No. 407 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:55,840 Okay. 408 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,040 Tell me how it ended. 409 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:07,440 It felt like I was pressed back into my body and I took a deep breath. 410 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,200 But way deeper than that. 411 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:16,320 And I was, I was open my eyes and I say, I'm alive. 412 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:17,760 I'm alive. 413 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,720 Love is the answer. 414 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,240 Jesus is real. 415 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:27,120 This was a, a paramount moment for me where something that I had always believed since 416 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,320 like childhood became real. 417 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,120 It was just, it was just a book and stories before this. 418 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:34,120 I'm sorry. 419 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:40,680 I didn't mean to be disrespectful to anyone's faith at all, but I am the type of person 420 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:48,200 who I guess I was like, because it was a book I couldn't even read the Bible is the book 421 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:49,360 I'm talking about. 422 00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:50,360 I couldn't even read it. 423 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:53,120 It didn't even make sense to me before this. 424 00:27:53,120 --> 00:28:02,720 And it was just, I didn't, I didn't feel a connection to the standard Western churches 425 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:03,880 that I had visited. 426 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:04,880 And I visited a lot. 427 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:13,240 I've, you know, I've seen, and before this I had always wanted to like find the truth, 428 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:21,000 but maybe had really high expectations from the human beings in those places, you know. 429 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,400 All right. 430 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,640 Let's go back and dissect a bunch of this. 431 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,280 Now, tell me about the angels. 432 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:31,640 You describe them as bluish and translucent, which is really cool. 433 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:35,960 I almost called them the blue angels, but then I know that's a whole different thing. 434 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:40,640 So is there any way you can describe that any further? 435 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:43,360 No, I don't think so. 436 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,880 Any idea what angels these were? 437 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,840 Oh, I think they were guardian angels. 438 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,000 And there was, it was like, I kind of knew them. 439 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:59,400 It was definitely like they knew me, but just the fact that I was just so personal, like 440 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:04,280 when I was like, no, it was like, I knew them. 441 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,320 I don't know how else to describe them. 442 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:12,440 So I have wondered if they were guardian angels or perhaps just angels that had been assigned 443 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:16,120 to me that I don't really know where they're my whole life or something. 444 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,120 It was like they have known me. 445 00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:20,200 It was like they had brought me there. 446 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:21,200 Okay. 447 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,600 You talked about this really beautiful place with living color. 448 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:26,600 Describe this again. 449 00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:30,440 Well, it was just like a room or a gigantic world. 450 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:32,080 What was it like? 451 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:36,520 More like a room, a very large round room. 452 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:37,520 Okay. 453 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,440 And I like the description with the opalescence. 454 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:46,360 I can picture that because as you look at an opal, yeah, you see different colors in 455 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:47,600 it, right? 456 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,240 Yes. 457 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:54,440 But you described the colors as living, which is even more than that. 458 00:29:54,440 --> 00:30:00,000 The paint here in the room around me is not moving as you can see. 459 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,800 It's what is like a flat color. 460 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:07,280 But this where I was was very, it was shimmering. 461 00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:16,720 It was this dynamic, like changing living thing that literally like was mesmerizing. 462 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:19,120 That helps me picture it just a little bit better. 463 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:20,120 Cool. 464 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:25,560 So living it by calling it living, that means it was changing. 465 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:32,520 It was almost, I'm not going to say breathing, but it was had some kind of animation to it. 466 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,240 All right. 467 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:35,240 Very cool stuff. 468 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:39,920 Now, I want to talk about your pleading to be able to come back. 469 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:45,200 I love this because yes, mothers have superpowers. 470 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:47,680 Maybe even changing God's mind about something. 471 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:48,680 Maybe. 472 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,600 I don't know. 473 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:57,800 But I talked to so many people that tell me, I didn't want to come back because it was 474 00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,160 so wonderful there. 475 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:04,840 And they were sort of told, yeah, you have to until they agreed to. 476 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,360 Others are just flat out given the choice. 477 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,040 You want to go back, you want to stay. 478 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:14,480 And I love how yours was different and that all of these are different. 479 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:21,200 Did you feel like, well, this being extended his hand to you. 480 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:25,200 So did you feel like you were meant to stay there? 481 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:28,960 But then you threw up the, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone here. 482 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:29,960 I'm going back. 483 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,240 That's a good way to put it. 484 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:36,360 I wouldn't have been there if it wasn't an option, right? 485 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,800 They would have just taken me somewhere else. 486 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:45,440 So my prayer in my head as I was dying was, please God, don't let me die. 487 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:52,040 And I also was thinking in my mind as I was dying, no, no, no, this doesn't have to be 488 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:53,600 the way it goes. 489 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:56,680 Death in my mind was an option. 490 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:05,120 If I could just get in front of God, I could ask him if I could come back. 491 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:07,120 It doesn't make sense when I'm trying to tell it. 492 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:11,600 It didn't make sense then, but it's definitely what was happening within me. 493 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,240 That makes sense to me. 494 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:15,440 Tell me more about us being all connected. 495 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:17,360 How does that work? 496 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:23,600 This is just the coolest part to me of the experience was, was seeing how beautiful his 497 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,320 people are and how much he loves them. 498 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:33,720 And he has constructed us to be designed where the way that we treat each other actually 499 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:36,200 affects us like internally. 500 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:41,680 And when we are kind and loving and gentle with one another, it enifies us internally 501 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,640 because of this connection that's unseen. 502 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:51,600 So I guess it has to do with, if I could say, and I'm not a scholar, so forgive me if I 503 00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:54,840 don't have a right verbage, but like quantum mechanics, right? 504 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:59,720 What happens over here causes an effect over here, right? 505 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:06,160 Have you ever heard of like spooky action from a distance or the butterfly effect? 506 00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:08,480 So that's actually how we are. 507 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:10,280 And that's how quantum physics works. 508 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:15,960 And I'm not a scholar on it either, but it comes up all the time on this show. 509 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:20,160 So yes, it also ties in with a life review. 510 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:25,200 And I don't think you use the term life review, but it sounded very much like one when you 511 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:29,480 were talking about how things that you did affected other people. 512 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,400 Was there more to it than that? 513 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:32,400 Yes. 514 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:38,480 There's a lot of very personal intimate details that I usually don't share, but I will say 515 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:39,480 this. 516 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:45,320 I was shown that I was looking at everything like I was a victim. 517 00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:51,960 There were things that happened to me in early childhood that were horrific. 518 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:58,200 And but also some of them, there weren't even horrific, but they were damaging. 519 00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:06,160 And so I had the wrong mindset, I looked at it like the world was this big scary place 520 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:12,560 and that I was a victim instead of that I had overcome and lived through these things. 521 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:17,080 And I was, I was a strong person. 522 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:25,520 And these things that happened were, were not okay, but that they also weren't everything. 523 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:29,960 You know, I was giving them a lot of weight where I didn't have to. 524 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:33,080 I can choose to, but I don't have to. 525 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:38,360 I wasn't necessarily showing things that I did to other people, but these were the things 526 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,160 that I was shown in this environment. 527 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:41,160 Right. 528 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:49,000 And, and it made a huge impact on me because still to this day, I think sometimes people 529 00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:53,240 will say or do something and all, you know, kind of get like, I give my feelings hurt 530 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:55,160 really easily. 531 00:34:55,160 --> 00:35:03,400 And it would be so a matter of me learning how to protect my heart, you know, and not 532 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:09,360 allow everyone to speak into my life, not allow, not, not take for granted that everyone 533 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:15,120 else knows something I don't and that they're the authority on this or that. 534 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:18,280 Or if you don't have saying, does that resonate? 535 00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:19,280 Yeah. 536 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:20,760 Yeah, that does. 537 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:26,440 You also mentioned the healing that came from, I believe you said from the father, explain 538 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:27,960 that a little bit. 539 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:28,960 Absolutely. 540 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:34,160 Again, with, with these things that happened in childhood, I was wounded. 541 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:39,440 What happens when we're wounded is that we start seeking relief and I was seeking relief 542 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:46,280 and I was having this understanding and I have had it since I was actually not, it's 543 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:47,920 not that I was a drug addict. 544 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:54,800 It was that I was a hurt person seeking relief from pain and pain that I had not acknowledged 545 00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:58,400 and not that there's a way to acknowledge it that I knew about. 546 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:04,560 It's not that I was preferring not to acknowledge it, but I was stuffing things down and so 547 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:08,520 it was just manifesting as these other behaviors. 548 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:15,600 So when I came back, the desire to behave like that was gone because his love had filled 549 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:19,440 those, those places like in me. 550 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,080 Let's talk about those desires a little bit. 551 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,560 You had been an addict prior. 552 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:30,640 Were you immediately healed from that when you came back or did you have to go through 553 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:34,040 steps and therapy and all kinds of things to get healed? 554 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:35,600 Immediately healed. 555 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:39,800 Immediately healed to the point when I tried to go back and do it again, I got violently 556 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:40,800 sick. 557 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:42,440 What a blessing that is. 558 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:47,120 Wow, how do you bottle that up and give that to other people? 559 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:52,160 If there's a way I want to know and I want to do it because I had struggled with addiction 560 00:36:52,160 --> 00:37:00,360 and addiction was such a, like I would get months, days, sometimes years totally free 561 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:06,800 or what I thought was totally free of abstinence from drugs and then it would kind of lead 562 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:07,800 back to it. 563 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:13,400 And I'll tell you, even when I came back, Eric, like just my mind, it was so part of 564 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:14,880 my mind. 565 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:16,640 It was what all of my friends did. 566 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,560 It's what my associates did. 567 00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:19,960 It's what we all did. 568 00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:23,720 And I think that's very, very common for people in that lifestyle. 569 00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:27,560 It's like when you, even when you do get a level of freedom or even if you get totally 570 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,640 free, it's a matter of then rebuilding your life. 571 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:36,240 And sometimes people don't get to come with you because they're not ready to leave that 572 00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:43,640 lifestyle and because they didn't have this experience, I could drag them as far as I 573 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:44,640 could. 574 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:49,560 But it was also in the aftermath of this, it was somewhat sad. 575 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:56,160 I also find it interesting in the big picture here that you were in kind of a suicidal sort 576 00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,320 of place. 577 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:04,320 You went to this wonderful place with immense outpouring of love like you had never felt 578 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:05,320 before. 579 00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:08,440 Yet you wanted to come back here. 580 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:09,440 Something changed. 581 00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:11,280 Some kind of switch and you flipped. 582 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:12,600 Oh yeah, definitely. 583 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:15,520 And I'm so glad I'm back. 584 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:20,640 It's been six years and there's not a day that goes by that I don't have this moment 585 00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:27,400 of absolute deep gratitude every day. 586 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:32,760 Sometimes it'll be when I wake up and I hear my, I'll get emotional if I start to talk 587 00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:34,760 about this, you know. 588 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:38,920 If I hear my daughter's voice and she says, mom, you know, and it's just like it'll hit 589 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:39,920 me in that moment. 590 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:44,800 Sometimes it's when I lay down at night and I have a blanket to pull up over myself and 591 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:48,680 I'm cozy under the covers and I'm like, I got it mother whole day. 592 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:52,000 It's just so amazing. 593 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:56,600 And since this experience, Eric, my life doesn't look like the success that it was. 594 00:38:56,600 --> 00:39:00,000 In fact, I've lost everything. 595 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:03,640 So it's this experience, all of the material stuff. 596 00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:10,400 I got fired about 30 days after the experience for talking about the experience at work. 597 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:14,720 I got fired for it and I had never even, I was always the, I never got ridden up at 598 00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:15,720 work. 599 00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:20,440 So suddenly I keep getting fired from different jobs and lost everything, you know, we're 600 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:25,480 only had the clothes on my back, a suitcase, had to give everything away, chose to give 601 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:28,320 everything away, whatever you want to look at it, right? 602 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:30,880 See that, that mindset can still prevent. 603 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:37,600 So multiple times continuously rebuilding, but there's this joy inside of me, this bliss 604 00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,960 inside of me that, that doesn't go away. 605 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:45,560 And so even through all of the hardship that I've been through over the last six years, 606 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:49,620 there's never been a point where it seemed like a good idea to just go back to the other 607 00:39:49,620 --> 00:39:50,800 way of living. 608 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:51,800 Never. 609 00:39:51,800 --> 00:40:00,120 It's like the, the very things that I used to enjoy doing, they seem so useless and worthless 610 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:01,920 to me now. 611 00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:05,440 And what I mean by that, not, not the good things I enjoy doing, I'm talking about the 612 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,920 bad things, the harmful things, the behaviors that I mentioned. 613 00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:09,920 Yeah. 614 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:11,920 The things you enjoy have changed. 615 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:13,280 Yes. 616 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:18,880 And as we were talking earlier, your children, grandchild, huge part of your life. 617 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:20,160 Yeah. 618 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,960 How else have your priorities changed? 619 00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:30,000 I think fundamentally I'm very similar, but well, but everything shifted. 620 00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:35,680 So I don't enjoy, because my perspective has changed on a lot of things. 621 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:40,080 I don't, one thing like being in cells, right? 622 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:43,120 Technology cells, it's a very competitive business. 623 00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:49,960 And now it seems like I don't have the desire to do what I used to do to have, to make those 624 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:50,960 cells, right? 625 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:55,960 You know, I don't have the selfish ambition, which I always thought was the best thing 626 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:59,040 a person can have, right? 627 00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:02,240 Work until you're old and work until your body gives out. 628 00:41:02,240 --> 00:41:06,600 That was kind of my mentality before, but now it's like, let's just rest. 629 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:07,600 Let's just be together. 630 00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:09,040 Let's have conversations. 631 00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,160 Let's go deeper than the surface level. 632 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:13,320 It seems like my filters are gone. 633 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:19,240 So throughout our life, every single one of us, we adopt filters. 634 00:41:19,240 --> 00:41:27,640 And that's going to be relative to everything in our life, our speech patterns, our priorities. 635 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:32,520 And so we learn along the way, oh, you don't say this in this environment. 636 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,920 And then we learn filters like time. 637 00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:39,840 A lot of us have the filter of money is very important. 638 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:42,280 And so all of those filters are gone. 639 00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:50,760 So I used to be super controlling about planning things and being on time and just da da da 640 00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:51,760 da da. 641 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:59,720 And now it's like in the easy, an easy living, a restful heart set, you know, heart posture. 642 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:02,760 I'm not nearly as emotionally driven. 643 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:06,600 I was extremely emotionally driven the first time around. 644 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:07,600 Motions are good. 645 00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:09,880 We shouldn't be zombies. 646 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:15,480 But I was emotionally driven and that took me to the dark place of being suicidal, right? 647 00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:19,520 Because everything, my emotions mattered more than facts back then. 648 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:22,080 You also mentioned that you were searching for truth. 649 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,640 Do you feel like you found it? 650 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:25,640 Yes. 651 00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:27,400 What is it? 652 00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:28,560 It's Jesus. 653 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:29,560 It's Jesus. 654 00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:31,240 God is love. 655 00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:36,040 And the Christian faith had been presented to me as like a list of rules. 656 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:37,040 Don't do this. 657 00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,040 Don't do that. 658 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:39,040 You better do this. 659 00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:40,040 You must. 660 00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:41,480 You should, you should, you should. 661 00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:51,280 Where after this experience, it's completely a spiritual, supernatural relationship where 662 00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:57,160 I am experiencing the glory and the love on a daily basis. 663 00:42:57,160 --> 00:43:03,880 And yes, it's still biblical, but there isn't a person shouting at me now. 664 00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:07,800 I'm led by the spirit every day, you know? 665 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:11,520 It's very different than what I thought it was about. 666 00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:13,320 That's beautifully said. 667 00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:15,160 You've done a great job with your life. 668 00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:16,160 Ha ha. 669 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:20,920 I can tell how happy you are and it is just, it's just wonderful. 670 00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:22,840 And thanks for being with me today. 671 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:24,080 Yeah, absolutely. 672 00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:26,480 Thank you. 673 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:29,280 Thanks again for listening and sharing this podcast. 674 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:35,360 Don't forget to hit the follow or subscribe button and sign up for our newsletter at roundtripdeath.com. 675 00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:39,640 If you want to share your near death experience or if you have questions or comments about 676 00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:43,960 the show, send an email to Eric at roundtripdeath.com. 677 00:43:43,960 --> 00:44:13,760 Until then, I wish you everything good that you're looking for in this life and the next.