Intro: At some point in our lives we will all face the grief of loosing a loved one. It is one of life’s guarantees. But how do you handle grief as a Christian? Join me for today’s podcast where we look at what the bible says about grief. Unless you’ve lost someone you’re close to, it’s hard to understand or appreciate the loss and emptiness you feel when someone you love dies. Grief can sometimes feel completely overwhelming and it can feel like there is no escape to the pain. Life has been forever changed and it can be hard to imagine you ever enjoy life again. People will tell you that “time’s a healer”. I disagree. Time takes away the shock or short sharp pain, but time in itself isn’t a healer. I met someone who’s mum had also died some 10 years earlier. She explained to me that it never gets easier. The pain is always there. I could see the pain in her eyes, as raw as the day her mum left. A grief counsellor once told me that the grief never leaves you but you learn to live with it. I think she’s right if you’re not a Christian but with Jesus there is healing. It’s often easy for us to believe that God wants to heal some physical illness but for some reason it’s harder to believe that there’s healing for our souls. If you’re a Christian you’ve accepted that Jesus took your sin so you could be saved but did you know that he took on your grief too? Isaiah 53 v 4 says “surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows” and verse 5 says “but he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon him. And by his stripes we are healed” There is healing for your grief. It doesn’t have to walk with you the rest of your days. I believe this is the first step; believing that God can and wants to heal your broken heart. Psalms 34 v 7 says; “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart”. It can feel like you are completely on your own when you’re grieving someone you love. In my search for peace I started looking at any bible verse concerning grief. One of the main ones is Matthew 5 v 4 where Jesus says: “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” In Job 5 v 11 “He sets on high those who are lowly, And those who mourn are lifted to safety.” When you’re mourning you don’t feel very blessed; but I believed that there is a blessing for someone who is mourning. There’s a special comfort from God. Jesus said they “shall be comforted”. Not “they might be comforted” but they will be comforted. So if there’s comfort to be had then how do we get it? I strongly believe that allowing your heart to be open to God, even if you’re angry with him or have unanswered questions or prayers, there is a way to be comforted. If we close ourselves off from God in the middle of pain then we stop God from comforting us. Watch out for the lie that tells you can’t hear from God or if you get close to him he’ll want to hurt you by bringing up past hurt. That’s not God. Don’t get into an argument with it just tell it to go. Our free will is the greatest gift God could given us, outside Jesus. He will not and cannot usurp our own decisions to reject him or remove ourselves from him. During my own grief of loosing both my parents I knew very early on that I had a decision to make. I could push everyone away including God or I could run into their arms. I decided that I had to run into the arms of those who loved me; my husband, my sister, my friends and God. I know I didn’t do it completely right and I absolutely didn’t handle things brilliantly but I did make a decision to go to Jesus. That decision was such a defining moment for me and if we had more time I could tell where I was when I made that decision. Two major encounters happened after that decision. The night my I lost my mum I had finally fallen asleep and was having a nightmare. In the middle of the nightmare suddenly all I could see was light. I felt my mum in that space of light. I didn’t see her but I felt her spirit. I did see Jesus standing in the background. I felt her touch on my face (which is hard to explain because she wasn’t there in person); she said this to me: “for this light affliction is but for a little while. It’s just a little while Jessi” She didn’t say this but I heard in my head “it’s just a little while until we are together again”. If you come over to my house you’ll see those words up on my wall. It brought an incredible amount of comfort not only to me but those in family. Amazingly those words “but for a little” are actually in the bible and it was a scripture we were given only we never read down that far. 2 Corinthians 4 v 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment (but for a little while), is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” That dream kept me going and brought me huge amounts of comfort. I knew my mum was in eternity with Jesus. She was fine, no longer in pain, no longer frighten but in glory and I will see her again. The 2nd encounter I had was a few months after mum died. One night whilst I was doing a night feed with my new baby, I was crying out to God (in my heart) for help and comfort. I suddenly saw the Lord standing at the doorway of our bedroom. Honestly as clearly I could have seen you standing there. He was sobbing with me; uncontrollably upset. He was just as upset as I was. I knew he didn’t want me to have gone through what I did. The peace that flooded into the bedroom that night was so thick I felt like I could have touched it. It made me stop crying immediately – like someone turned off the tap of grief. Even my baby stopped crying and snuggled down to sleep. In total I have 10 dreams about both my mum and dad since they died, God-given dreams, that have brought comfort and kept me going. It sounds bonkers but I’ve spoken to both of them after they died. Those dreams have given me stunning comfort. I weekly think back to them. I know I was able to receive those dreams because I didn’t shut God out. I kept my heart open to him. If you’ve had a lot of church teaching you might be under the belief that everything comes from God; or people may have told you that God took your loved one home, or that he sometimes heals people and he sometimes doesn’t. That just isn’t true. In Hebrews 2 v 14 Pauls writes: “…that through death He (Jesus) might destroy him who had the power over death, that is, devil”. God never created us to die. And God doesn’t kill people. Jesus defeated death and he gave us the authority back. There’s far more I could say here but I just don’t have time. Satan kills people, or we live in a natural world where death is present. Where bad things happen to good people. One thing I do know with certainty is that God is a loving God and wants good things for us. He’s not mean and is killing people for a greater good. In Matthew 7 v 7 Jesus says: “what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” I have two kids and my love for them is greater than I could ever imagine. I would never do anything to harm them. I love that Jesus talks about God being our Father; it’s probably the closest thing he could alike God’s love for us to. Religion has taught us that God is a mean God who is angry with us. Who isn’t pleased with us but that’s a total lie. James 1 v 4 “Every good and perfect gift is from above” 1 James 4v8 (Updated: 1 John 4v8) “God is love” If you think that God is a mean God who killed someone you love for a greater purpose, or withheld his healing hand, than it’s hard to open yourself up to him. I believe that is such a lie from the devil. It’s not who God is. God loves you! He gives good gift to his kids. He’s heartbroken you’re in pain. He wants to draw near to you and rescue you. He weeps with you. Your job in this grief is to allow God to comfort you, through softening your heart to him. Which is almost impossible if you believe he’s the one to blame. A few weeks before my own mum died, I was trying to make conversation with her and asked her what was the hardest thing she had had to counsel. With over 40 years of life coaching and counselling I expected her to say abuse or something equally traumatic. “Grief”, she answered, “Without question grief”. I asked her why and her words have stayed with me: “There becomes a point where grief is incredibly demonic.” She said, “It sucks the life out of any situation and literally steals someone’s life. It can overwhelm a person and there have been times when, even with all my experience, I couldn’t help them. It steals their future and keeps them in the past.” I think it’s really interesting that she said ‘there’s becomes a point where grief can be demonic.” Because there is a time to grieve: Ecclesiastes 3:4 There’s a time for everything A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; It would be pretty heartless to tell someone who has just lost a loved one that all grief is demonic because it’s not. We where never created to handle grief. When God created us we weren’t meant to die or to be separated from each other. It hurts and we weren’t made to cope with it. We grieve because we have loved them. In fact the deeper the grief is, the deeper the love was. It’s a mistake to think you have to just carry on. We all need feel that loss and it’s ok to be sad. The problem comes when we stay in that grief and life becomes dark. The colours fade from our current life and we’re unable to enjoy life now. Everything is clouded by the loss we’ve felt and it’s all we can think or talk about. For me I had a desperate desire to feel better but I have no idea how. How could life ever be the same again? The world will tell you that mental health is the most important thing. That you must ‘feel’ every emotion and give it space. But as Christians we have the ability to have life in abundance; John 10 v 10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill and to destroy. But I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly”. If something has been stolen from you or something has been destroyed it comes from Satan not God. There has been many a dark hour where I have had to cling into this verse. The spiritual world isn’t how this earthy worlds works. If you only see things in the natural sense you will miss Gods best for you. If my mum was right and parts of grief are demonic and have the ability to ruin lives; then there comes a time when we must choose life for ourselves. Deuteronomy 30 v 19 “I have set before you life and death. Blessings and cursing; therefore choose life”. I don’t believe that ‘that choice is a one time thing. You grieve for a while and then decide this is stealing my life and choose life. No, I believe it must be throughout the daily struggle of walking through grief; A constant battle with your own emotions whilst facing a very real and natural loss. Am I not saying that you never “go there” either. In fact is very important to talk things through. There are so many organisations who offer counselling for free and its very important to seek help. Being able to talk to someone without the worry of upsetting them with what you have to say is so important. If you’re grieving a big loss, you need help and that’s ok. God created people who where called to be grief counsellors. Seek them out and get help. More than once! Keep going. If you need list organisations then do message us. There are many times I miss my parents and I cry and I’m sad. I have in the past tried to push down my own feelings but that left me feeling very depressed. I’ve learnt to give Jesus my pain since he bore my grief on the cross anyway. I now allow myself to be sad and run into the arms of the one who loves me with perfect love. He has become my mother and my father when my earthy parents have left me. Psalm 27 v 10 “When my father and my mother forsake me; then the Lord will take care of me” God has become a very real father in my life and our relationship isn’t something only for me. It’s for all his kids. He has taken care of me better than any earthy parent could and better than I can take care of myself. I now have provision because of his care and guidance. Far greater than anything I could have sorted out for myself. In Psalm 23 v 4 “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for you are with me your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. We have to walk through the valley. It’s decision we have to make daily, sometimes hourly and in the very dark days it’s a decision I have had to make minute by minute. Whether your grief is new or old or somewhere in-between; I urge you to consider the following: 1. Keep your heart open. Allow the comforter to lift you to safety. Even if there are still areas you can’t talk to him about. 2. Watch out for the thief. Do not let the bad moments or hours steal the day, event or time. Whether that’s Christmas, a birthday or simply another day. 3. Choose life. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Do things that are beautiful, create happiness, create memories and don’t feel guilty. Whatever brings life into your heart do it. Paint. Sing. Decorate. Choose life. It’s such a lie that holding on to grief keeps the person near you. When all it does it keep you in the past. I have often asked the Holy Spirit to remind who my parents are and entrusted him to keep their memories alive me in. Then I can relax knowing that he’s got it. Don’t give up. Submit yourself to God and let him carry you when you are weak. My parents wouldn’t want their deaths to define me. They would want their lives to define me. Whoever you have loved wants the same for you. God loves you so much. He is a kind and lovely daddy who wants nothing more than the opportunity to love you and be close to you. There is comfort for you. There is life in abundance for you, you have Jesus with you. Finally let me leave you with this. A dear friend once said this to me: “We will die. No one will live forever. Even Lazarus who was raised from the dead after many days in a tomb isn’t walking the earth now. All of us will go to be with the Lord. It’s like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. They are no longer on earth as a caterpillar they are in heaven as a butterfly. They might have gone a earlier than you wanted but they were always going to be a butterfly.” It made me think of this verse: 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 13-14 And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don’t want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus. 15-18 And then this: We can tell you with complete confidence—we have the Master’s word on it—that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they’ll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God’s trumpet blast! He’ll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise—they’ll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we’ll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words. We don’t grieve like non Christians because we know we will see them again. We will be with them forever with God. This world is temporary. We will all leave it one day but we know when we do we will be with Jesus and with those we lost and loved. Until we speak again, God bless, be kind to each other and yourself.