1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,440 I want you to think back to when you were little girls, specifically because this is 2 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:14,800 Women's Administrative Sabbath, but you guys can think back to when you were little boys. 3 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:18,680 Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were growing up? 4 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:23,440 Some of us wanted to be teachers, doctors, astronauts. 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:30,520 That thing that you wanted to be that was so important to you, did you become it? 6 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:35,920 If you did, is that because you had the support of the adults around you and the encouragement 7 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,560 of your parents and teachers? 8 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:44,000 If you didn't, what kept you from realizing that dream? 9 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:48,520 Now think back to when you were a kid at school or church. 10 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:55,000 You were the cool kids and then there were the rest of us. 11 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:59,760 Were you the cheerleader, an athlete, captain of the math club or best at the spelling 12 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:00,760 bee? 13 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:16,480 If not, maybe you were one of many just trying to belong. 14 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:25,640 Striving for a sense of purpose and identity along with all the other developing young 15 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,720 people around you. 16 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:33,240 Maybe you were fortunate to have one or several close friends that you knew always had your 17 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,280 back. 18 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,960 If you were, you were blessed. 19 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:42,360 Maybe you were on the outside looking in, desperately longing for someone to include 20 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:47,840 you, struggling to maintain or develop your sense of identity and worth in spite of what 21 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,080 others thought or said. 22 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:53,960 So let me ask you, do opinions matter? 23 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,120 Does it matter what other people think? 24 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:01,760 After all, they're only the thoughts of your friends, coworkers and peers. 25 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:05,360 But what if those thoughts and opinions are those in authority? 26 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:11,480 What if they're your teachers, your pastor, your parents, those you look up to? 27 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:17,160 Do then those messages have an impact on your self worth, on your confidence in becoming 28 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,240 who God knows you can be? 29 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,980 I would say most definitely. 30 00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:27,600 So many women and probably men take their sense of purpose and belonging from what they 31 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,300 do rather than who they are. 32 00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:33,040 We probably shouldn't do this, but we do. 33 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:37,120 I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a teacher, I'm a nurse, 34 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,280 whatever your role is. 35 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:45,480 A lot of times when people say, who are you, you say, oh, I'm this. 36 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,480 And that's great. 37 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,520 It's great to have that role. 38 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:54,760 But what happens if a life event disrupts that area of service? 39 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:58,880 Do you then lose who you are? 40 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:04,380 In speaking with many of my fellow sisters, I've come to the conclusion that many of us 41 00:03:04,380 --> 00:03:06,600 have a shared fear. 42 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,240 Maybe you don't, but many of us do. 43 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,440 And that is the fear of failure. 44 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:17,400 We have come to believe the lie that hard work is the antidote for fear. 45 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:22,040 Now don't let anyone tell you that I don't believe in hard work, because I do. 46 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,760 I can't tell you how many quarts of strawberries I picked on an Indiana farm when I was growing 47 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:26,760 up. 48 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:31,480 But I can tell you that one summer at summer camp I washed 583 loads of laundry in eight 49 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,820 weeks. 50 00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:35,720 And that was a feat. 51 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,160 I'm not a super organized person. 52 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:42,320 I think that I might be more successful if I was a list person. 53 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,040 I don't make lists very often. 54 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,360 But I love to cross things off a list. 55 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,600 So if, Sarah, you will be if you'll be organized and make me a list, I can then cross it off 56 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,040 and feel great. 57 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:58,920 I feel great about myself when I can go, oh, wow, look what I did today. 58 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,280 The laundry is done. 59 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,280 Supper is cooked. 60 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,720 The kids have been good. 61 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:04,720 I went to the grocery. 62 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:05,720 I got all this done. 63 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,880 I worked a 10 hour day. 64 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:11,480 This is fantastic. 65 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,640 But what if you can't say that? 66 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,160 What if there's laundry in the hamper at the end of the day? 67 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:17,440 Supper is a mess. 68 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,360 The kids have been yelling at each other. 69 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:24,320 And your workflow still has 10 things in it that you weren't able to get done. 70 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,880 Are you then a failure? 71 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:33,360 I don't know about you, but my entire life I have fought the feeling, the fear that I 72 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,600 was falling short of what was expected of me. 73 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,520 Let me explain. 74 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,280 When I was three years old, my mother and I were in a horrific accident that left her 75 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:47,880 very literally broken and left me unresponsive. 76 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:52,240 My parents were told that because of her injuries, she would lose her left arm and that she would 77 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,800 never walk again. 78 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,640 Thankfully, she has proven them wrong. 79 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,880 They were told that my life would be permanently changed as well, as doctors never expected 80 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,720 me to regain consciousness. 81 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:09,400 They said that if I ever began to come around, that I would be in a vegetative state for 82 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,920 the rest of my life. 83 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:18,200 As you can tell, that was not an accurate prediction. 84 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,560 For my mother, it was a very slow and painful recovery. 85 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,500 She still suffers limitations and pain from this day. 86 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:29,640 She has no shoulder joint here and she walks with a limp. 87 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,720 One leg is shorter than the other. 88 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:32,720 But she is alive. 89 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,520 Her arm is there. 90 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,380 And some of you know her. 91 00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:43,360 She is very successful and she is very a go-getter and gets things done. 92 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,760 I experienced nothing short of a miracle. 93 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:53,880 After her horrific closed head injury, I lay unresponsive in a coma for two weeks. 94 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:59,520 The elders and pastor of our church took the counsel of James 1 to heart, anointing both 95 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,200 my mother and myself. 96 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:08,080 The prayer of those faithful souls proved to be both powerful and effective. 97 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:12,320 I don't know at what point we were anointed, but I am told that a mere three weeks after 98 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:20,160 my head flew into a telephone pole, two weeks of which I was in a coma, both of us went 99 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,960 home. 100 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:27,440 I remember being in the hospital and my dad pulling me in a wagon because I couldn't walk. 101 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:32,240 He tells me that after we returned home, he took both my hands and his, put my feet on 102 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,960 top of his and walked with me through the house. 103 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:43,020 And it was in that way that my brain started to relearn and some of those connections began 104 00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:46,200 to form again. 105 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,600 I remember lacking dexterity in my fingers. 106 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:55,360 They put a rubber band around my hand and I had to exercise to figure out how to use 107 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,720 fingers by themselves. 108 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:05,320 I would have to use my entire hand to do what normal children my age could have done. 109 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:11,540 I would have to use my hand, yeah, to what kids would have to use one finger. 110 00:07:11,540 --> 00:07:14,360 And they said that I would never speak again. 111 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:20,000 Any of you who know me knows that that limitation has been overcome. 112 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,080 I struggled with headaches in my early adolescence, but other than that, I really haven't had 113 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:29,120 any deficits that I know of. 114 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:35,160 While my mother still bears the physical impacts of that day, scars, limp, pain, and though 115 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:40,340 my brain was thought to absorb the greatest impact of my injuries, it proved to be my 116 00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:44,480 heart that was infected most that day. 117 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:48,360 You see, my grandmother's and my Sabbath school friend's moms took turns coming to 118 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:53,040 the house when we first went home so that just the basics could be taken care of. 119 00:07:53,040 --> 00:08:00,040 My brother was only nine months old at the time, quite a feat for a woman to take care 120 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:05,440 of two little kids when she couldn't even get herself out of bed. 121 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:09,360 And these ladies kept telling me over and over, Jennifer, you're a miracle. 122 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,400 You were supposed to be dead. 123 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:15,440 Jesus must have a very special plan in store for you. 124 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:21,320 And while I would now argue that Jesus has a very special plan for every one of us, my 125 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,960 little three-year-old heart responded to that message. 126 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:30,720 I loved Jesus and was so very thankful for what he had done for me, that he had saved 127 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:31,720 me. 128 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:36,720 I wanted to give back to him and I wanted to do whatever he asked of me. 129 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,340 But what was he asking of me? 130 00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:43,280 Like any other little girl, people eventually started asking me what I would do when I grew 131 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:47,160 up after they figured out that I was actually going to live. 132 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,240 I toyed with being an astronaut. 133 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:50,640 I dressed up as a nurse. 134 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,600 I played teacher with my baby brother. 135 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:59,360 But the message that Jesus had saved me for a purpose ever rang in my ears. 136 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,840 My parents were good parents. 137 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:05,360 They read me all the Bible stories and any mission story that they could find. 138 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,800 How many of you heard Jungle Thorns, Singer on the Sand, Nile and the White Crocodile? 139 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,440 Yeah, we read all of those. 140 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:18,700 I thrilled as I heard Jesus promised to his disciples that he was coming back. 141 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:24,640 But Matthew 24, 14 says, in this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached to all the world 142 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:29,920 as a witness to all nations and then the end will come. 143 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:33,480 I'm a very literal person. 144 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:40,100 And so I said, well, if this hasn't happened, then this can't happen. 145 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,400 All the world doesn't know. 146 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,800 So Jesus can't come. 147 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:48,280 My Aunt Valerie went on a mission trip and came home telling us all about it. 148 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:49,800 I don't know where she went. 149 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:51,360 Don't know how long she was gone. 150 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:52,760 Don't know what she did. 151 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:59,040 But at four years of age, I then knew exactly why Jesus had saved me. 152 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,320 I was supposed to be a missionary. 153 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:05,320 I was supposed to tell others that Jesus loved them. 154 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:10,760 So have you ever been so excited about something and so sure of it and have the wind knocked 155 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:16,600 right out of your sails when somebody tells you that it isn't possible? 156 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,480 My mom wanted to protect me and she wanted to hold me close. 157 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:25,680 After all, she had just nearly lost me. 158 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:29,400 At first, my dream of going to Africa, and this was the way it was stated, I'm going 159 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,360 to go to Africa, live in a mud hut and save the heathens. 160 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,440 That's what it was said over and over and over. 161 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,200 And at first, mom was like, oh, that's great, honey. 162 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,460 That's great. 163 00:10:38,460 --> 00:10:39,460 You're four. 164 00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:40,460 That's great. 165 00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:43,040 You'll grow up. 166 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:47,320 Of course, she wanted me to live for Jesus, to answer whatever call he had for me. 167 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,440 She just wanted me to do that in the backyard where I was safe. 168 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:56,400 So I was encouraged to be active in Pathfinders, to involve myself at the church. 169 00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:01,720 I was director of personal ministries, I think, when I was 16 or 17, something ridiculous 170 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,820 like that. 171 00:11:03,820 --> 00:11:06,840 She encouraged all of this. 172 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,640 And that was great. 173 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,620 She's an extremely driven person. 174 00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:15,080 She loved the idea that I was getting things done. 175 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:20,160 They weren't necessarily areas that she would have chosen to get involved with, but that 176 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,920 was okay. 177 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:26,840 You were all a part of Caleb and Elena's raising over $3,000 for their walkathon. 178 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,160 Yeah. 179 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,840 Guess who the little girl was that was knocking on doors wearing her Pathfinder uniform? 180 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:35,860 Hi, I'm Jennifer Blackburn, and I'm part of, yeah. 181 00:11:35,860 --> 00:11:38,920 So it was so fun. 182 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:39,920 It was fun. 183 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,200 You did not have to drag me out there. 184 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,680 I was like, when are we going to Ink Gathering again? 185 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:47,640 Because I was being a missionary. 186 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,800 You know the song we sing in Sabbath school, be a missionary every day? 187 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,280 I was all about that. 188 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,560 And that was okay for right then. 189 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:01,720 Knowing my love for missions and outreach, mom invited me to a Pathfinder leadership 190 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:06,100 missions presentation by Terry Dodge from the Michigan Conference. 191 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,600 She thought it would interest me. 192 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:12,680 But I don't think she ever thought that I would find a way to be involved. 193 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,420 We only take kids from Michigan, he said. 194 00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:19,440 We only take one out of state kid every year, he said. 195 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:24,880 Well who do you think determined to be that one out of state kid? 196 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,920 Here was a real missionary endeavor that I could get involved in. 197 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:32,560 Pathfinders were leaving their homes and their parents flying all across the ocean to the 198 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:37,360 Dominican Republic, and they were doing real mission outreach. 199 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,040 I had to be part of this. 200 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:44,240 I had probably never worked so hard for anything in my life. 201 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,840 And mom supported me. 202 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,560 She helped me write sponsorship letters, she drove me to church members' houses so I could 203 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,880 spend all afternoon in the hot sun working. 204 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,360 She was awesome. 205 00:12:55,360 --> 00:13:00,840 She told me that if she thought that if I got missions out of my system now, that I 206 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:05,560 would be satisfied to serve God where it was safe. 207 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:09,240 Unfortunately her plane backfired. 208 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:14,760 I did get to go to that two weeks in the Dominican Republic, and those two weeks absolutely changed 209 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,200 my life. 210 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,240 It became a defining event for me. 211 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:26,040 I pulled teeth, cleaned teeth, helped with eye exams, learned to take blood pressures, 212 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,120 gave a shot, filled prescriptions. 213 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,600 You want a shot from a 14-year-old? 214 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:35,440 I don't know how in the world they let us do that. 215 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,520 I loved every second of it. 216 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,560 I was alive and I was fulfilling the purpose that God had given me. 217 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:46,800 I promised those kids, as I handed them the toys that I had brought, that I would be back, 218 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,600 that I wouldn't forget them. 219 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,480 I came home filled with purpose. 220 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,800 I knew my mission now, why Jesus had saved me 11 years before. 221 00:13:54,800 --> 00:14:00,520 It was so I could go be a missionary doctor, go across, go to Africa, live in a mud hut, 222 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:06,080 and tell those less fortunate about me the good news of Jesus' soon return. 223 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:12,000 The problem was that I knew at the wise old age of 14 that there was no way Earth was 224 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,600 going to last long enough until I was 20. 225 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,040 Jesus had been coming back for a really long time, right? 226 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:21,440 Haven't we been told that we've been living in the last days for a really long time? 227 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,640 There's no way we were going to reach the year 2000. 228 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,120 No way in the world. 229 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:32,320 So I was wasting time to go to medical school, so I settled to become a nurse instead. 230 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,800 Made sense to me. 231 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:39,520 Everything I did from that point forward in some point was geared toward helping me become 232 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,280 the best missionary I could, as soon as I could. 233 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:47,440 My first paycheck from my first real job after I paid tithe, every cent went to my favorite 234 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,440 missionary organization. 235 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:54,680 I read the mission magazines backwards and forwards, hoping to glean all that I could 236 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,560 of what I planned would be my future life. 237 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:02,040 I learned terms like the unreached and the 1040 window. 238 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,720 There was one big problem, however. 239 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:09,720 All of a sudden, my mom realized that I was serious about what she thought was an innocent 240 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,720 and naive dream. 241 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,000 A fainting dream. 242 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:19,280 I started being told that this mission to which I felt God was calling me was unreasonable. 243 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,320 That I shouldn't be striving to do it. 244 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,600 That there were many in my own backyard that needed Jesus. 245 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,720 And that I should be happy reaching out to them. 246 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,920 I was wasting my time trying to go across the ocean to people who didn't even want 247 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:33,920 reached. 248 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,360 They were happy the way they were. 249 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:40,560 Never mind that we are admonished in Romans 1014 that folks can't believe in Jesus if 250 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,200 they're not told. 251 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,760 And they can't be told unless we go. 252 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,580 They needed told, so I was going. 253 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:50,160 Someone else will tell them, God isn't really calling you. 254 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:54,000 This is the message that I got over and over again. 255 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:59,280 And I began to have a battle rage in my mind and heart. 256 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,600 It hurt so much. 257 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,480 Was I really working off an immature and unrealistic dream? 258 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:10,120 I had only been four years old when it became clear to me that I was supposed to do what 259 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,360 I was supposed to be doing with my life. 260 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,360 Maybe I was wrong. 261 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:21,000 I began to doubt my calling, question my talents and ability. 262 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:27,160 And honestly, this fear has since plagued me my entire life. 263 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,920 For it wasn't until only three months ago that I was able to have a conversation that 264 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:35,880 clarified these feelings and helped me identify the origin of the fear failure message I'd 265 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:36,880 been getting. 266 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,960 Now, I want to be clear. 267 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:43,400 My mom did not mean to squelch me and never would she have thought that she was speaking 268 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:47,480 in opposition to God's will for me. 269 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:52,920 But despite her best motives, that's exactly the message that I got. 270 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:57,340 Because she was someone in authority, someone I loved and looked up to, someone I admired 271 00:16:57,340 --> 00:17:01,440 and wanted to be just like, I internalized the message. 272 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,120 You're a disappointment. 273 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,480 You don't measure up. 274 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,320 You can't hear God correctly. 275 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,320 You have to try hard. 276 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,620 You have to work hard. 277 00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:13,000 You aren't good enough. 278 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:18,080 And so strong did that message become that it almost became my inner voice. 279 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:23,640 I felt like I was a failure and disappointment to those who mattered the most to me. 280 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,700 That was hard. 281 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:30,200 And in so many ways, it stunted what could have been. 282 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,200 Was the message I was getting the truth? 283 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,800 No. 284 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,000 But I was young and impressionable. 285 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:42,480 And though the intent was never to harm or bring me down. 286 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:46,200 Satan is our enemy and seeking whom he can devour. 287 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:50,900 He was all too willing to capitalize on that message any way that he could. 288 00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:54,600 So when I was picked last on the playground, I heard you aren't wanted. 289 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:58,200 When I had some difficulties transitioning from high school to college, I heard you aren't 290 00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,200 good enough. 291 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,520 You aren't smart enough. 292 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:03,700 You'll never measure up. 293 00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:08,600 One of my nursing instructors even said, are you sure you want to be a nurse? 294 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,200 Are you sure? 295 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:17,600 And when I did become a missionary, go live in a mud hut intent on saving the heathens. 296 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,640 Gotta love that verbing. 297 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,840 There was a day my team leader to whom I was looking for leadership and mentoring told 298 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:30,000 me blatantly, we didn't want you. 299 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,600 We never asked for you. 300 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:40,280 We just took you because you needed a place to go. 301 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,840 I was primed for the lie. 302 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:50,360 You see, John 844 tells us that Satan is the father of lies, that lying is his needed language. 303 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,880 What do you think that did to God's ability to use me? 304 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,280 To accomplish his purpose in and through my life? 305 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,000 Well, I'll tell you, it challenged it. 306 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,000 It snunted it. 307 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,360 Absolutely. 308 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:09,320 I suddenly realized that that day in Congo Bay, I have recently realized, sorry, that 309 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:14,160 that day in Congo Bay, hearing you got it all wrong. 310 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,560 You weren't called here after all. 311 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:21,360 Was a pivotal moment for me. 312 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:28,320 I worked for that mission my entire life and suddenly I was questioning everything and 313 00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:36,760 had been for the last 16 and have been since I received that message 16 years ago. 314 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:43,760 The miracle of my childhood healing led me to seek to do whatever I could for Jesus. 315 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,920 That's a noble aspiration. 316 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:51,080 One that is strengthened by the good worth ethic I was taught and the strong morals. 317 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:56,880 But I missed that God wasn't looking for me to do for him as much as he was calling 318 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,960 me to be for him. 319 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:04,040 I was left asking myself and crying out to God. 320 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:08,400 Okay, I came to Africa like I was supposed to. 321 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,160 I came to tell others of your love. 322 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:14,960 But these people, these people who know a whole lot more about being a missionary who 323 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:20,080 I do, who are supposed to be teaching me how to do this for the rest of my life, they're 324 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:24,000 telling me that I have heard you all wrong. 325 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,000 So now what? 326 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,560 What do you want of me? 327 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,640 This question is asking Micah 6. 328 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:35,520 Perhaps what do you want of me? 329 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,880 Perhaps you've asked that question too. 330 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:44,360 And the answer, he has shown you, oh daughter, what is good and what the Lord requires of 331 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,360 you. 332 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:52,200 But to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. 333 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,240 God doesn't need us to do anything. 334 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,240 After all, all our righteousness are as filthy rags. 335 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,000 It's all trash and garbage without him. 336 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,360 Yes, I was called to Africa. 337 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:08,000 Yes, I was called to befriend the people of Congo to love them, serve them, show them 338 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,440 Jesus. 339 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,760 But I thought it was about me. 340 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:15,280 I thought the results were dependent upon me. 341 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,400 I was wrong. 342 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,000 And again, I believe the lie. 343 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,060 I accepted the label of failure. 344 00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:27,800 The sense of rejection was keen. 345 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:32,640 After the fateful day when my team leader told me I wasn't wanted, I really struggled 346 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:37,240 with depression and my already fragile sense of belonging and purpose began to completely 347 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:41,640 crumble all the way across the ocean. 348 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:47,180 Even when I got a new team leader who was as supportive as I could be, I couldn't shake 349 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,480 the sense of discouragement. 350 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:56,360 Now lacking a sense of direction, my spirit broken, I returned home to the States. 351 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:05,320 Plagued by the fear that I had failed God. 352 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:12,040 And this fear began to creep into everything I did, in every relationship I had. 353 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,560 And I wasn't really living. 354 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,720 Oh, I established a new norm. 355 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:23,120 I started a new job, got involved in a new church, began to make new friends, got a boyfriend 356 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:31,360 who thankfully saw worth and possibility in me and asked me to be his wife. 357 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:36,960 On the outside I was living, but on the inside I was dying. 358 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,800 I had failed at my life's mission and purpose. 359 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:46,640 I feared the rejection if people found out who I really was and found out that I had 360 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,500 given up. 361 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:51,520 I had let God down. 362 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:54,440 So how long could that go on? 363 00:22:54,440 --> 00:23:00,000 Well about 10 years. 364 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:04,920 And though I still taught salvage school, I've still led cooking schools, I've gone 365 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,280 to work every day. 366 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:14,240 Much of that time it still has taken an effort to keep a smile plaster across my face. 367 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:19,920 Had God rejected me, I was still reading my Bible seeking a connection with him. 368 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,400 But my fear was bigger. 369 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:27,040 I have told people I might as well have been reading the newspaper for all the good it 370 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,200 did me. 371 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:34,720 Because what I read, my heart could not believe. 372 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,800 But thankfully God's love, mercy and grace for us is bigger than our fears and perceived 373 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,280 failures. 374 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:45,840 Because it hurt so much to think that I had disappointed God, I tried to compensate in 375 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,720 other areas. 376 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:52,720 I tried to be the best nurse, the best wife and by this time thankfully the best mother 377 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,680 that I could be. 378 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:58,440 Tried to make up for being a failure in one area for succeeding in others. 379 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,480 Did that work? 380 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:02,480 Probably not. 381 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:08,920 But I probably wouldn't have realized it if something dramatic hadn't happened. 382 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:14,600 August 19, 2018 dawned a beautiful bright sunny Sunday. 383 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:18,400 The day before we had just enjoyed a lovely Sabbath celebrating Caleb's birthday with 384 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,400 my mom. 385 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:23,680 Sunday morning after breakfast the kids and I baked another cake. 386 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,720 The plan was to take it over to Cliff and Nettie in the afternoon so that we could enjoy 387 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,240 a little bit more birthday fun. 388 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:36,320 While the cake cooled I was going to use my time wisely and accomplish some yard work. 389 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:42,880 But the fun was never had, the cake was never delivered, the yard work was not finished. 390 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:46,320 For shortly thereafter smoke and flames were rolling out of the house that I considered 391 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,200 home. 392 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:56,240 I raced into the house intent on squelching the flames but I failed. 393 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:59,520 I could not save my home. 394 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:06,040 And with Caleb, Elena and our dog I huddled under a tree in our front yard while that 395 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:11,760 fire destroyed everything that we held dear. 396 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,920 After a fire we had literally nothing. 397 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:18,480 We had the clothes on our back, our vehicles and by God's grace we had each other most 398 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,320 importantly. 399 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:24,960 I never felt so helpless in my entire life. 400 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,660 I had two little kids depending upon me. 401 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:32,520 My self definition centered around my roles and life kicked in. 402 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:36,120 How could I be a good mom if I had no stories to read my kid? 403 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:38,560 No clothes in which to clothe them. 404 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,900 I didn't even have any food to give them. 405 00:25:40,900 --> 00:25:46,440 How could I be a good wife if I didn't have a lunch to pack for my husband? 406 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,840 No home to make for him, no groceries to cook for him. 407 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,920 I couldn't tell him where we were going to sleep that night. 408 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:58,640 How could I be a valuable part of my church family if I had nothing to offer, if I couldn't 409 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,600 even make it to Salva School sometimes? 410 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:07,520 I was understandably anxious through this horrible ordeal, sometimes seemingly paralyzed 411 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:13,760 because these roles had come to define me but now they meant nothing. 412 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:17,200 But I missed something. 413 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:24,280 I missed that simply being is exactly what I needed to be doing. 414 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:31,280 It was in that moment that God showed his strength, his might and his amazing capacity 415 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,000 to provide for us. 416 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:41,320 And this is when he became incredibly real and showed me unmistakably that this had nothing 417 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:44,840 to do with my efforts. 418 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,600 Other than the moment when our house was burning, we never truly were in need. 419 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:52,240 It was a faith journey for sure. 420 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,280 Rarely did we know where the next step would take us. 421 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,200 But literally God was two steps ahead of us. 422 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,200 Remember, I'd been reading my Bible before the fire. 423 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,280 That's what all good Christians do. 424 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:09,240 But that day I saw it actually applied. 425 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,400 I had no other place to turn. 426 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:15,240 And as God started just showering us with miracles, there literally was no other way 427 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:19,080 to explain what was happening to and for us. 428 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:25,780 We didn't expect Becky or Jose or Todd to come stand in our front yard with us and comfort 429 00:27:25,780 --> 00:27:29,340 us with their presence while our house was burning down. 430 00:27:29,340 --> 00:27:35,240 Nor did we play any part in the amazing party that you all threw for us six days later that 431 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:40,160 helped reassure our kids that they were loved and valued, that they had a church family 432 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,360 to support them. 433 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:48,160 We didn't ask Mary and Bill to open their home for us, yet they did for an astounding 434 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,480 three months. 435 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:56,240 We didn't ask a neighbor to jump the creek and give Darren $200 while our house was still 436 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,860 burning. 437 00:27:58,860 --> 00:28:00,640 We didn't even know him. 438 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,840 And we didn't ask for that same neighbor to organize a clothes drive that would provide 439 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:10,480 every stitch of clothing we owned for the next several months. 440 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:17,520 Grace and Anthony brought us pizza in the middle of our front yard while we had a fire. 441 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:22,160 They didn't know that, well, they assumed, I'm sure, that that would be supper that night, 442 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:23,980 but it would be lunch the next day. 443 00:28:23,980 --> 00:28:28,840 It would also be reassurance that we were not alone. 444 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:33,360 We didn't ask for assistance with the kids' school bill, yet an anonymous angel provided 445 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:37,440 a month's worth of funds for both kids so I didn't have to focus on work. 446 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,320 I could focus on survival. 447 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:45,120 We didn't ask Joe and Jimmy to offer us their home for a long-term use when it was no longer 448 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,220 possible to stay with Bill and Mary. 449 00:28:48,220 --> 00:28:53,200 And we certainly didn't ask the congregation in Somerville, whom we still haven't met, 450 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:55,640 to fill my car to the brim with household items. 451 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:59,640 I barely could get in my car to get home. 452 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,480 Every single one of those things happened. 453 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:03,480 You are not alone. 454 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:04,480 You are not alone. 455 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:07,280 It is not up to you. 456 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,680 You are not alone. 457 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,120 So why did those things happen? 458 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,260 Was it because we are so wonderful? 459 00:29:15,260 --> 00:29:17,720 Because we are somehow worthy of tremendous blessings? 460 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,200 Absolutely not. 461 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:23,360 It is simply because God loves us. 462 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:29,520 Jesus told his friends that God loves to give good gifts, and James 1.17 tells us that every 463 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:32,620 good and perfect gift is from above. 464 00:29:32,620 --> 00:29:37,960 We were cared for in such a tremendous way, not because of who we were or what we had 465 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:42,880 done, but because of who he is. 466 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,860 And I firmly believe that it was to bless others. 467 00:29:45,860 --> 00:29:50,800 I can't tell you how many people came up to me in the months following and said that they 468 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:56,680 had been and continue to be blessed by watching how things unfolded and progressed for us. 469 00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:00,960 I'm still not quite sure what was meant by some of those comments because quite honestly, 470 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,160 I felt like I was falling apart. 471 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:09,840 But somehow God was able to take our tragedy and turn it into a tool for growth and edification. 472 00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,260 And I praise him for it. 473 00:30:12,260 --> 00:30:19,260 I had never felt so weak, so out of control, so ill-equipped. 474 00:30:19,260 --> 00:30:26,240 But that is when God was able to show up and do what he does best. 475 00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:31,120 My grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness, had never felt 476 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,120 so appropriate. 477 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:38,360 Ironically, it was when I had the least to offer that God felt the most real and alive 478 00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:40,560 in our lives. 479 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:45,320 That day as I watched everything I owned be destroyed, something very important happened. 480 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:51,680 My heart that had been closed and locked up in fear was reopened, if just a crack to God's 481 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:52,680 goodness and mercy. 482 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:57,480 Sure, I'd had problems before and prayed for assistance, but now I was in a place where 483 00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:01,320 I didn't know what to ask for and couldn't pray because I was frozen in shock. 484 00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:03,600 But God did miracles for us. 485 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,000 And we didn't even ask. 486 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:07,600 You guys ask, I'm sure. 487 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:08,600 We didn't ask. 488 00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,780 We didn't know what to do. 489 00:31:10,780 --> 00:31:11,880 Doors opened for us. 490 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:12,880 Needs were met. 491 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:13,880 People stepped forward to help. 492 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:18,560 And I hadn't done a thing to start the process. 493 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:22,640 I saw things happen that could have only been God ordained in spite of my inability to do 494 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,240 for myself and my family. 495 00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:27,960 It was my weakness that showed his strength. 496 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:33,480 And it was his blessings in the face of my emotional paralysis that finally started to 497 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,160 communicate a truth to me. 498 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:37,840 It wasn't about me. 499 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:38,840 It never had been. 500 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:44,360 Do you remember the story of Israel at the Red Sea? 501 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,520 Look at Exodus 14. 502 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:48,880 Israel has just left Egypt. 503 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:52,200 We don't know how long they've had their freedom at this point. 504 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,520 But God leads them to a place that just seems to be impossible. 505 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,520 The sea is in front of them. 506 00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:58,720 Mountains are on each side. 507 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:02,400 And now they've got the Egyptians breathing up their neck. 508 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:03,400 They're stuck. 509 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:09,880 They're in a place where they can do absolutely nothing to help themselves. 510 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,040 But does God berate them? 511 00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:14,840 Ask them, what in the world are you thinking? 512 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:15,840 No. 513 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,240 He reassures them, don't be afraid. 514 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,840 Don't be afraid when the Egyptians are going to annihilate us. 515 00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:27,400 Don't be afraid that I can't do anything to save my family. 516 00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:29,000 What in the world are you talking about? 517 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:33,000 And God comes back with, stand still. 518 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:39,400 Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will accomplish for you today. 519 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:42,680 The Lord will fight for you. 520 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,720 And what will you do? 521 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:46,560 Hold your peace. 522 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:51,200 A version of this happened again in 2 Chronicles 10 and 15. 523 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:55,960 Jehoshaphat and his people are facing defeat from Ammon and Moab. 524 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:57,160 Jehoshaphat is king. 525 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:58,920 He's supposed to be responsible for these people. 526 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:02,200 He's supposed to take care of them. 527 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,960 But he realizes that he can't do anything. 528 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:09,440 So God tells him he's a failure, right? 529 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:10,440 No. 530 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:11,440 Listen to this. 531 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,720 Don't be afraid or dismayed because of this great multitude. 532 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,720 For the battle is not yours, but God's. 533 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,680 Don't fear or be dismayed. 534 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:25,160 Tomorrow go out against them for your Lord is with you. 535 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,480 God says in essence, you're stumped. 536 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,060 You don't know what to do. 537 00:33:29,060 --> 00:33:31,760 Your back is against a wall. 538 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:32,760 Fantastic. 539 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:33,960 I'm so glad you asked for help. 540 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:37,860 This is my specialty. 541 00:33:37,860 --> 00:33:40,520 So often we strive to prove ourselves. 542 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,040 That's normal. 543 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:43,640 Kids wrestle and compete with each other. 544 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:48,680 The stronger feels great about himself while the weaker wants to hide. 545 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:49,680 That's kids stuff. 546 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:55,680 But oftentimes we continue that mentality as we come into adulthood. 547 00:33:55,680 --> 00:34:02,320 And then we project the need to prove ourselves into our relationship with God. 548 00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,360 But you know what I finally learned? 549 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,280 He's not comparing you to anybody else. 550 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:12,280 He doesn't label you strong or weak. 551 00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:17,760 And Matthew 25, did he expect the guy to whom he gave two talents to have the same return 552 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,720 as the guy to whom he gave five talents? 553 00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:22,240 No. 554 00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:27,520 He just asked, take what I have, do your best with it. 555 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:33,600 And as long as you do your best, I'm happy with that. 556 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:37,780 The guy who was only given one talent, he thought it wasn't worth his effort. 557 00:34:37,780 --> 00:34:40,720 He thought it wasn't going to make that big of a difference. 558 00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:42,740 He'd only gotten one talent back. 559 00:34:42,740 --> 00:34:49,760 He too would have received the message, well done, good and faithful servant. 560 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:57,840 So, God is not asking for Sally's best or Susie's best or Henry's best or Frank's. 561 00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:00,640 He's asking for your best. 562 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,720 You don't have to be afraid or view yourself as a failure. 563 00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:05,360 It's not about us. 564 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:10,160 Remember, everything we have is like filthy rags if it isn't filtered through the grace 565 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,440 of Jesus. 566 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:16,120 And Jesus said that his strength is made perfect in weakness. 567 00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:18,520 Who are we to argue with God? 568 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:22,880 Maybe your perceived weakness is exactly what God needs from you. 569 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:27,440 I've recently learned that my fear of failure led to a fear of rejection. 570 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:29,920 Don't know if anybody can relate. 571 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:32,960 I was afraid of voicing my fears and insecurities. 572 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:37,600 It seemed as if my dreams had been dashed, that I had been devalued and my efforts tossed 573 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:39,080 aside. 574 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:47,240 I guess I projected that attitude from a significant few onto the world at large and onto God himself. 575 00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:52,120 If these people aren't satisfied with me, then no one else can be either. 576 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,960 But that was a lie. 577 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:58,920 How do I know? 578 00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:01,320 And this didn't dawn on me until just a couple of weeks ago. 579 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:09,760 Isaiah 53, 11, he shall see the labor of his soul and be satisfied. 580 00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:13,240 This is the chapter in which we get the description of Jesus' sacrifice for us. 581 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:18,360 We all know he is bruised for our iniquities by his stripes we are healed. 582 00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:21,280 And everybody understands that. 583 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:26,620 But do you understand that verse 11 means Jesus thinks it was worth it? 584 00:36:26,620 --> 00:36:28,000 And it wasn't just worth it. 585 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:32,160 He's satisfied, completely satisfied. 586 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:35,520 I'm satisfied when I get to the end of my day and my list is done. 587 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,840 My list that I don't make. 588 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,880 When I'm bone tired, but I can see a reason for it. 589 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:44,360 I ache and it's because I've worked really hard. 590 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:49,560 But I've recently had the realization that's exactly how Jesus felt about the price he 591 00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:52,840 paid on Calvary for you. 592 00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:56,640 And remember that while hanging on the cross, Jesus could not see through the portals of 593 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:57,640 the tomb. 594 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:02,080 Desire of Ages tells us, hope did not present to him his coming forth from the grave of 595 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:07,320 Victor or tell him of the father's acceptance of the sacrifice. 596 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,440 He had to hang on to that by faith. 597 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:14,480 He feared that sin was so offensive to God that their separation would be eternal. 598 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:20,540 But Jesus was willing to go through all that even if it meant eternally being separated 599 00:37:20,540 --> 00:37:22,560 from his father. 600 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:24,280 Why? 601 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:26,200 For you and for me, of course. 602 00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:31,120 So it's easy to look back and say, well, of course, Jesus is satisfied that you're in 603 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,120 his family. 604 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:35,680 But God is not the God of the masses. 605 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:40,120 He isn't interested in what we understand about the world as a whole. 606 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:48,880 He wants to know, OK, Jen, do you now understand how does this information impact your relationship 607 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:49,880 with me? 608 00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:54,960 I have to look and realize that if Jesus couldn't see through the tomb, he couldn't see the 609 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:56,800 millions that would accept him. 610 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:58,560 He couldn't. 611 00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:04,320 He hung there in faith so that I would have a chance to accept him. 612 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:08,920 And because I did, he's satisfied. 613 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:12,480 He would have gone through all of that just for me. 614 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:13,480 And you know what? 615 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:16,860 He would have gone through all that just for you. 616 00:38:16,860 --> 00:38:19,400 He looks at you and is satisfied. 617 00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,980 He sees who you are. 618 00:38:21,980 --> 00:38:26,480 He sees what you've done, what you strive to be. 619 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:29,320 He is your champion. 620 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:36,400 John 4, 4 says, greater is he that is in you than he who is in the world. 621 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:39,200 A lot of times we approach God out of fear. 622 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:44,400 We fear the same kind of rejection from God, the same kind of judgment from him that we 623 00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:49,480 have experienced from others, the same kind of unrealistic expectations. 624 00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:51,440 But it's just not true. 625 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:56,440 We are told that we may have boldness on the day of judgment, that there is no fear in 626 00:38:56,440 --> 00:39:00,600 love because perfect love casts out fear. 627 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:02,560 We love him. 628 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:04,320 Why? 629 00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,040 Because he first loved us. 630 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:09,800 He took that first step. 631 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:15,640 When I couldn't walk, it was my daddy who held my hands and taught me to walk again. 632 00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:24,040 That's what Jesus is doing for us. 633 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:26,160 The love he has for us is already there. 634 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:28,880 The only thing we can do is reciprocate. 635 00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:33,400 It's not about what we can or should or might be able to do for God. 636 00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:36,040 It's all about what God has already done for us. 637 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,320 I love this. 638 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:39,980 This idea was not mine. 639 00:39:39,980 --> 00:39:43,960 The gospel is not good news. 640 00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:47,280 Something for us to ponder and figure out how to make it happen. 641 00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:49,860 I'm sorry, the gospel is not a good idea. 642 00:39:49,860 --> 00:39:52,160 Something for us to ponder and figure out how to make it happen. 643 00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:53,600 It's good news. 644 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:54,600 It's already happened. 645 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:55,720 It's done. 646 00:39:55,720 --> 00:39:58,960 All we can do is accept it. 647 00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:02,120 That makes us so strong. 648 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:08,240 First John 5, 4 says that whatever is born of God overcomes the world. 649 00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:12,040 This is the victory that overcomes the world. 650 00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:17,920 Not what we do, not who we are, but our faith. 651 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,800 As long as we don't give up, guess what? 652 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:22,960 We're victorious. 653 00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:24,360 We aren't just victors. 654 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,800 Elina did a great job reading for us. 655 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:31,120 Romans 8 tells us that we are more than victors. 656 00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:32,800 How do you get to be more than a victor? 657 00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:34,880 You either win or you lose. 658 00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:36,860 But that's not what Jesus says. 659 00:40:36,860 --> 00:40:40,680 He tells us that the battle is already won, that the victory is ours, that we have been 660 00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:46,160 accepted, that we have been brought into his family, and that the only expectation is that 661 00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:51,920 we choose to be his because he has already chosen you. 662 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:54,440 There's no way we can lose. 663 00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:56,960 God has amazing plans for us. 664 00:40:56,960 --> 00:41:00,760 There are plans to prosper us and not to harm us. 665 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:04,600 Plans to give us a hope and a future. 666 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:08,260 I had my plans for fulfilling God's plan in my life. 667 00:41:08,260 --> 00:41:11,240 I had good plans, maybe great plans. 668 00:41:11,240 --> 00:41:13,480 Maybe they were the best plans. 669 00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:16,920 But my enemy, the devil, had set out to derail me. 670 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:21,040 Through no fault of my own, my plans failed. 671 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:25,960 Not only did I fail, but I learned, not only did they fail, but I learned to believe and 672 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:27,520 embody a lie. 673 00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:32,380 A lie that was touching every facet of my life. 674 00:41:32,380 --> 00:41:36,320 Because my plans failed, I believed I had failed. 675 00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:38,720 That I was a failure. 676 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:43,240 I feared that God was disappointed in me and that he would reject me. 677 00:41:43,240 --> 00:41:47,660 But nothing could have been further from the truth. 678 00:41:47,660 --> 00:41:52,480 Because I believed the lie, Satan was successful in hijacking the potential that Jesus had 679 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:53,480 for me. 680 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:56,480 But no more. 681 00:41:56,480 --> 00:42:03,240 Ephesians 2, 4 and 5 says, but God who is rich in mercy because of his great love with 682 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:09,900 which he loved us, when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ. 683 00:42:09,900 --> 00:42:12,880 For by grace you have been saved. 684 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:14,660 Let me restate that. 685 00:42:14,660 --> 00:42:19,440 God is rich in mercy because of his great love for us. 686 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:25,720 His acceptance of us has nothing to do with who we are or what we do. 687 00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:28,560 Even when we were dead, he made us alive in Christ. 688 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:32,200 He didn't do it because he was expecting anything from us. 689 00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:36,040 He made us alive in Christ before we did anything. 690 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:37,720 We all know that. 691 00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:39,260 We say it. 692 00:42:39,260 --> 00:42:40,340 We say we believe it. 693 00:42:40,340 --> 00:42:42,640 We repeat it. 694 00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:52,960 But do we let it sit in our hearts and define how we act and how we approach God? 695 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:56,960 Because of what this passage says about God's relationship and expectations of us, you're 696 00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:01,240 going to think we're on a rabbit trail, but bear with me for a second. 697 00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:04,240 We're going over to Job. 698 00:43:04,240 --> 00:43:12,160 Job chapter 1 and chapter 2, verse 8 of Job 1 and verse 3 of chapter 2 basically say the 699 00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:13,160 same thing. 700 00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:19,160 Twice God says of Job that he's a blameless and upright man, one who fears God shuns evil, 701 00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:22,600 that there's none like him on all the earth. 702 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,440 That's a pretty tough act to follow. 703 00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:26,920 You can get pretty discouraged. 704 00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:31,640 But based on all we've looked at today, I don't think Job's actions are what prompted 705 00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:36,240 Job and God to make Job his poster child of the day. 706 00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:42,960 If you look at the end of chapter 2, verse 3, God's description of Job is that he still 707 00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:50,280 holds fast to his integrity, though you incite me against him to destroy him without cause. 708 00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:53,680 So Cindy, you reminded me of you when I was doing this. 709 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:56,160 What is integrity? 710 00:43:56,160 --> 00:44:00,240 Of course, integrity is being honest and having upright principles. 711 00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:07,320 But in this case, I think a more important definition is being whole and undivided. 712 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:09,680 Job didn't understand what was happening to him. 713 00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:14,960 He probably never understood the bigger picture, but he was undivided, unwavering in his certainty 714 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:21,240 that God was in control, that he could trust God no matter what. 715 00:44:21,240 --> 00:44:25,000 How in the world could he do that? 716 00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:30,480 Job had something to do with his intimate friendship with God, mentioned in chapter 717 00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:36,240 29, verse 4, which I'd also missed for the past however many years. 718 00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:41,600 They were intimate friends, and Job understood God's faithfulness. 719 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:47,040 He understood God's habit of giving unmerited favor, no strings attached. 720 00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:53,720 Job was content to let God be God no matter what, to trust him, to trust God to make us 721 00:44:53,720 --> 00:44:58,280 alive in Christ however he saw fit. 722 00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:05,520 God has chosen you, each of you, and he's not going to compare you to anyone else. 723 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:12,160 He's not going to load you up with unrealistic expectations or be critical of you. 724 00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:15,760 God is crazy in love with you. 725 00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:22,120 It has nothing to do with what you've done, what you can do, who you are. 726 00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:28,040 It has everything to do with who he is, the value he's placed on you at the cross, and 727 00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:32,800 what he is confident that he can do through us. 728 00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:37,480 Maybe this hasn't been your struggle, but it certainly has been mine. 729 00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:41,480 But I've learned that I no longer have to look at life through a lens of fear, being 730 00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:46,560 worried that my next innocent misstep will lead to rejection. 731 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:49,360 This is a promise of unlearning. 732 00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:55,520 I'm not nearly there, but I invite you also to live a life of freedom and possibility, 733 00:45:55,520 --> 00:46:02,440 excitement and anticipation in what God can do in and through us. 734 00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:05,120 Can this book be trusted? 735 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:08,360 Can the God who gave it be trusted? 736 00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:13,200 Then what I want to do is challenge each and every one of you. 737 00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:17,880 Don't accept what others say about you, the labels they put on you, the limitations they 738 00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:19,800 give you. 739 00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:22,960 Seek what God says about you. 740 00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:28,520 Read this going, okay, what is God saying to me? 741 00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:32,280 Cling to the value that he has invested in you. 742 00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:38,800 Philippians 1 6, being confident in this very thing, that he who has begun a good work 743 00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:45,240 in you will be faithful to complete it. 744 00:46:45,240 --> 00:46:52,380 I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that he is able to keep what I have committed 745 00:46:52,380 --> 00:46:56,680 to him until that day. 746 00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:01,120 I will be forever grateful to Elena's teacher for giving her the memorabilia of Deuteronomy 747 00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:03,120 7 9. 748 00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:07,320 The Lord your God is the only God. 749 00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:12,760 He's a faithful God who keeps his promises. 750 00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:16,920 Every promise in here he is going to keep. 751 00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,280 We have a good God. 752 00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:21,440 We have the only God. 753 00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:25,880 We have a faithful God who's crazy in love with you. 754 00:47:25,880 --> 00:47:32,240 And that knowledge should help each and every one of us to let go of our death grip on fear 755 00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:42,920 and begin growing in the confidence of Christ.