1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,400 Oh, good morning. 2 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:16,760 This is a really sad story, so I always like to open with a biblical joke. 3 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:21,080 What did Daniel tell his real estate agent? 4 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:29,000 He preferred a house without a den. 5 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,920 I'm just going to get right into it. 6 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:35,960 Most good stories start from the beginning, but this story isn't all good, so I've decided 7 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:41,120 to start at the place of my downfall, a sports bar on Brainerd Road. 8 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:46,160 I made my money and I went home for a while, but the enemy only needs a cracked door to 9 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:49,800 begin revealing all of his evil and his deception. 10 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:55,760 I was in several car accidents when I was young that resulted in back pain, a pain a 11 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,760 little white pill took care of. 12 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:03,600 Something I didn't know was taught to me free of charge in that very bar. 13 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:08,480 I don't blame any of those people because when you go out seeking, you will find, and 14 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:13,080 one pill after another led me to oxymorphone. 15 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:17,800 It is a narcotic given to people who are in terrible pain all the time. 16 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:21,760 You have to see a special doctor to even be prescribed it. 17 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:27,800 I spoke the words, I found my true love after being introduced to it. 18 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:32,320 They were very expensive and it wasn't too long before I learned I could make more money 19 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:38,920 in 30 minutes prostituting than I was able to make all night at the bikini bar. 20 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,320 Prostitution wasn't an option, it was a necessity. 21 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:48,760 To be able to use drugs the way I wanted to, I needed more and more money every day. 22 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:53,360 After using drugs regularly, it doesn't matter if you want them anymore or not because you're 23 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,480 going to need them. 24 00:01:55,480 --> 00:02:00,960 You will be mentally and physically dependent on drugs after two or three days of use. 25 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,200 It's very fast. 26 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:09,160 For years, my entire life consisted of waking up dope sick, calling the dope man, waiting 27 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:14,680 on him to call back, or sitting in a random parking lot or in a sketchy hotel room waiting 28 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,840 on him to show up. 29 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,520 I got pregnant with my beautiful daughter. 30 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,320 God definitely knew what he was doing. 31 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:25,840 I could have never guessed that that baby girl would end up being my best friend. 32 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:32,720 Jeremiah 29, 11, for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper 33 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:37,760 you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 34 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:43,880 I got into a high-risk pregnancy doctor who prescribed me subutex because not only was 35 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:49,240 I sick and in withdraws, my precious baby girl inside me was going through it all as 36 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,040 well. 37 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:55,840 The doctor promised he would continually drop the dose and that my baby would have no effects 38 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,840 from it after birth. 39 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:04,280 I am no doctor, but I was an expert drug addict, so I expressed my concern of still being on 40 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:08,880 too high of a dose, even taking less on my own. 41 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:13,520 The doctor said he knew what he was doing and that she would be fine. 42 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:14,740 He lied. 43 00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:19,740 She went through several days of withdraws after birth. 44 00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:26,320 As I lay in the hospital bed next to my beautiful newborn baby who was going through withdraws 45 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:34,400 while watching her tremble and take deep quivering breaths, I went back to using. 46 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,560 I lost custody of her before she was a year old. 47 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,020 My beautiful saint of a mother took her. 48 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,640 She was right next door. 49 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,960 For the next two years, I was in and out of jail. 50 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,920 I checked into several rehabs. 51 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,600 I had gotten into some trouble. 52 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,360 I had caught a few charges. 53 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:57,760 I know that God was the only reason I didn't do any serious jail time. 54 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:04,760 I honestly saw no problem in my actions, prostituting, living in hotel rooms, supporting my habit 55 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:10,360 with my self-respect, doing whatever deed brought the most money. 56 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:15,220 When the enemy has a hold on you the way he had a hold on me, all you can concentrate 57 00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:21,080 on is your next fix, your next meeting with the complete stranger. 58 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:27,640 God decided to sit me down, and I spent 21 days in the Silverdale Detention Center in 59 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,440 Chattanooga. 60 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:34,180 Going to court and seeing my beautiful mother sitting there is something I'll never forget. 61 00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:36,640 My mom never gave up on me. 62 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:40,560 I was released on house arrest to my mother's house. 63 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:45,520 House arrest required weekly drug screens, so I was unable to get high. 64 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:49,720 The only time I could leave the house is if I was going to see my probation officer or 65 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,760 if I had some type of medical emergency. 66 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:58,360 I got pregnant with my son, and then COVID hit, and for safety reasons, the in-person 67 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,320 drug tests stopped. 68 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,040 I was finally able to get high again. 69 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:07,840 I had doctor's appointments, so I was able to leave the house. 70 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:12,260 After going to an appointment where I got to see an ultrasound of my beautiful baby 71 00:05:12,260 --> 00:05:17,920 boy inside me, I would go and meet the dope man, and I would get high. 72 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:24,240 Out of nowhere, the in-person drug screens started up again, but I was able to continue 73 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:28,680 to get high for a few weeks and still pass my drug screens. 74 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,120 I went in for a drug test, confident I was going to pass it. 75 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,760 I had a nice chat with my probation officer. 76 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,440 We had a laugh, and I went home. 77 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,840 She called me a few days later and asked me what was up. 78 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,680 She wanted to know what I had done. 79 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,560 She had my drug test results. 80 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,440 Heroin, I told her. 81 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,100 My drug of choice at the time was heroin. 82 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:55,560 Heroin stays in your system for 72 hours, but little did I know that's not the drug 83 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,280 I had been doing. 84 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,640 She informed me that I had failed for fentanyl. 85 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:06,160 I wasn't even completely sure what that was. 86 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,200 This is my high school best friend. 87 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,800 This is Alexis. 88 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,760 We did all kinds of drugs together. 89 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,520 I watched her do absolutely crazy things. 90 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,680 I honestly thought that no drug could kill her. 91 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,400 We were mixing drugs that people say will make your heart explode, and by the grace 92 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,920 of God, we would always be fine. 93 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:32,060 A lot of people don't know this, but literally anyone can go online, buy a pill press, mix 94 00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:37,120 up whatever they want, and press a pill that will look absolutely identical to the drug 95 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,880 that you would pick up from the pharmacy. 96 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:44,840 The last pill that she did was press with fentanyl, and she didn't wake up. 97 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:49,280 That was my complete knowledge of the drug, fentanyl. 98 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:54,600 After my probation officer informed me I had failed for the drug that had killed my best 99 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:59,620 friend, she told me to go in front of the judge and ask if I could go to rehab. 100 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,040 I hadn't given her any problems. 101 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:05,760 I'm pretty chill, so she was like, I'm going to give you this chance. 102 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,240 I was so pregnant. 103 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,520 I was so pregnant. 104 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,840 The judge took one look at me, and I could see the disgust and disappointment on her 105 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:14,840 face. 106 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,520 You look terrible, she said. 107 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,720 I explained to her that I slipped up and I needed to go to rehab. 108 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:25,640 Hamilton County's judge's stater is an amazing soul. 109 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:30,960 From the very first time I went in front of her, she knew that I had potential to be great. 110 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:35,440 She asked me if I had a rehab that would accept me and if I had a ride, but of course I had 111 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:40,280 already lined those things up because I did not want to go to jail. 112 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:45,680 I went to rehab and lied and manipulated those wonderful people, so they didn't keep me but 113 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,880 a few days, and then I was able to go home. 114 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:53,920 Not long after that, I got off of house arrest with no probation. 115 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,640 I had my son and I did better for a little while. 116 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,240 I thought it would be okay to start drinking. 117 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,480 I don't like to drink. 118 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:06,680 I like hard drugs, so I thought it would be something I could control. 119 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:12,560 First Peter 5 verse 8, stay alert, watch out for your great enemy, the devil, who prowls 120 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,880 around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 121 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,620 The enemy saw his chance and he took it. 122 00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:27,340 The night I was drinking and causing havoc, my mom came down to check on everything. 123 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:32,680 She asked my daughter if she wanted to go home with her, but my daughter said, no Mimi, 124 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:36,680 I have to stay here and take care of my mommy. 125 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,100 She was five. 126 00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:45,460 My beautiful five-year-old angel of a daughter felt the need to take care of me and to make 127 00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:48,880 sure that I was safe. 128 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:53,080 Like I said earlier, little did I know that that girl would become the person I needed 129 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,860 the most. 130 00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:58,600 It didn't matter how long I had been doing good. 131 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,040 Didn't matter how long I had been sober. 132 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,880 Didn't matter how many people had decided to trust me again. 133 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:10,880 I started drinking, then I was right back to drugs, and then I was right back to prostitution. 134 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,600 I really liked fentanyl. 135 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:17,840 The drug that was killing so many people, the drug that had killed my best friend, had 136 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,720 became what my life revolved around. 137 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,280 I lost custody of my son. 138 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:27,560 My mom wouldn't take him this time because she knew in her heart that I would never get 139 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:33,120 it together or get sober if I knew that both of my babies were safe, taken care of, and 140 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,660 right next door. 141 00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:40,180 As I waited for my son's paternal grandmother to come and pick him up, I couldn't help but 142 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:42,260 to feel anxious. 143 00:09:42,260 --> 00:09:44,520 But not because I was losing my son. 144 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:49,240 I was anxious to go and meet the dope man, to freely buy and do my drugs without having 145 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,600 to worry about my kids. 146 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,560 I was living in hotel rooms because that's what you do when you're a prostitute and a 147 00:09:55,560 --> 00:10:03,000 drug addict. 148 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:08,680 This is Tayyuda, my absolute best friend. 149 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,680 I remember being in a hotel room with her. 150 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,000 I thought it had been two days. 151 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,520 It had been a week and a half. 152 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:20,640 Drugs consumed me to the point I had no idea what time of day it was. 153 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,720 Did the sun just rise or is it setting? 154 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,040 Has it been a day or has it been a week? 155 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:31,940 It took over my mind until I had no idea if the things going on in my head had actually 156 00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:39,140 happened or if it was a product of a drug-induced psychosis from mixing drugs that had no business 157 00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:40,940 being mixed. 158 00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:45,040 I definitely had my preferences on drugs but I did not discriminate. 159 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,400 I would do any drug that was put in front of me. 160 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:52,240 Fentanyl and opiates were what I thought to be the love of my life but I would never turn 161 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,720 down what was passed to me. 162 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,240 All drugs are bad. 163 00:10:56,240 --> 00:11:02,120 The number of people that die from Fentanyl overdoses increases regularly. 164 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:07,000 But methamphetamine is a demonic drug that invites demons in. 165 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,600 I didn't even like meth. 166 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:13,560 I liked to nod out and forget about everything. 167 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,000 And meth is the literal opposite. 168 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:20,760 It's the only drug I ever did where I heard and saw things that weren't there. 169 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:25,400 It had me arguing with the walls, swearing that someone was there and that I was not 170 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,720 crazy. 171 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,760 A lot of people don't believe in the devil but I can stand here today in front of you 172 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:36,040 guys and confirm that he is real because I have met him. 173 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:40,240 His demons tortured me and tried to convince me that I was insane. 174 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:46,720 The entities that he sent to taunt and humiliate me were very, very real. 175 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,160 Rock Bottom always has a basement. 176 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:55,540 Just when you think the enemy can't drag you any lower, he can and he does. 177 00:11:55,540 --> 00:12:00,080 Not long after that, it really set in that I had lost everything. 178 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,000 I had nothing. 179 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,800 I didn't have my babies. 180 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,960 Every dollar I made went to support my habit. 181 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,440 Everything I said I would never do, I was doing. 182 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:14,760 I was regularly shoving a needle in my arm, smoking anything and everything off of aluminum 183 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,640 foil and snorting what was left. 184 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,720 I was in complete mental and physical darkness. 185 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,160 I had moved into a basement with absolutely no windows. 186 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:30,160 I was so far from God that I honestly thought my purpose in life was to be a prostitute 187 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,520 and a junkie. 188 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:37,240 I felt like I was just a background character that would never truly have a purpose in life. 189 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:43,560 I decided to go home because I honestly truly felt that I was losing my mind. 190 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:48,440 I had put in just enough work where I was able to regain custody of both my children. 191 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:53,200 I had the certificates, I had put in the hours, I had done everything the judge asked me to 192 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,200 do. 193 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:58,040 I just knew if I could get my babies back that things would be different. 194 00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,040 They weren't. 195 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:04,520 And it was a very short time before I was back to my worst self once again. 196 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,080 For 14 years I sold myself. 197 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,080 14 years and 13 rehabs. 198 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,720 I had a good childhood. 199 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:15,440 I wasn't raped, I wasn't molested, my mother loved me. 200 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:20,520 And I tell you that because a lot of the rehabs I attended, before you left you were required 201 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:24,920 to tell your story to the group of ladies you were in the program with. 202 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:29,200 And so many of these girls and women had terrible lives. 203 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,080 Their mothers didn't love them. 204 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,160 The brothers, cousins, and uncles molested them. 205 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,760 The step dads raped them. 206 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,880 They didn't have food. 207 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,960 There's never an excuse for being a drug addict. 208 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,440 But if there was, these ladies had it. 209 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,840 Their lives had been so rough and so ungodly that they felt numbing the pain was their 210 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,880 only option. 211 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,520 14 years and my mother had enough. 212 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:57,000 You told me that me and my son were going to have to leave. 213 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,920 She wasn't going to allow me to take my daughter because she was in school and it wouldn't 214 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:06,520 have been fair to uproot her from what she was used to just because I had failed once 215 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,320 again. 216 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,920 There was a place on the mountain that would accept me and my son and I could get treatment. 217 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,760 My mind was all over the place. 218 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:18,480 But the thought that stood out the most was my daughter may not be willing to take me 219 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,840 back if I leave again. 220 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:26,560 The last time I left and came home, it took her a minute to warm up to me. 221 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:31,020 She didn't trust me and she had every right not to. 222 00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:36,920 In my heart, I knew if I left again, she may never come back around. 223 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,880 I said, Mom, you've dealt with me this long. 224 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,560 Give me one more chance. 225 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:47,720 Tell me what to do because I clearly don't know how to fix myself. 226 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:52,280 She said, start taking your babies to church and you got to get it together, Hillary. 227 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,900 You just have to. 228 00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:59,080 The first time I took my babies to Sabbath school, I walked them in. 229 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:04,700 I went back out to my car, drove down the road and got high. 230 00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:10,600 The next time I walked them in, went back out to my car and smoked fentanyl off of aluminum 231 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,160 foil in the parking lot. 232 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:17,760 I'll never forget my mom saying, well, if I died, would you get sober? 233 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,740 Then she said, that's a stupid question. 234 00:15:19,740 --> 00:15:23,280 If I died, that would give you an excuse to get high. 235 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:27,060 She went on to say, I don't know why I'm having this conversation with you and trying to say 236 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,860 something to hurt you. 237 00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:32,040 You get enough pleasure out of hurting yourself. 238 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:36,600 I had never thought about it that way, that I enjoyed hurting myself. 239 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:44,000 I decided to try what my mom always told me to do and I started praying. 240 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,200 Nothing else I had tried worked. 241 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,880 I was tired. 242 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:52,360 I was mentally and physically exhausted. 243 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:59,080 Matthew 11 28, then Jesus said, come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens 244 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,640 and I will give you rest. 245 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,160 13 rehabs didn't help. 246 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:08,120 Misoutpatient programs didn't render me successful. 247 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,520 Getting my children back and having them full time also didn't work. 248 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:17,160 Trying to be a functioning drug addict was absolutely not in the cards for me. 249 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:22,040 It was beyond my power to save myself from the hell that I was in. 250 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,520 I kept praying. 251 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,880 I kept talking to God. 252 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:30,560 One Sabbath as I walked in to take my babies to Sabbath school, an amazing lady stopped 253 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:34,000 me and asked if I would stay for the adult class. 254 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,000 I was crying. 255 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,560 I had mascara all down my face. 256 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:43,120 I had a black, I had on black oversized sweatpants and a black oversized hoodie with my hood 257 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,760 up and black Air Force ones. 258 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:50,480 I looked like I was there to rob the place, but she didn't care. 259 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:56,400 She saw me coming in and out and she saw the pain that I was in and she wanted me to stay. 260 00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:02,360 I sat in that Sabbath school class and I cried and I cried and I cried some more. 261 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:08,120 I used two or three times after that and I was disgusted with myself. 262 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:12,480 I would have nightmares that literally terrified me. 263 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,680 Nothing had ever scared me before. 264 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:20,720 I remember pulling in the public's parking lot and hitting my drugs off the foil. 265 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,440 My beautiful baby son was in the back seat. 266 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:28,240 I had knotted off for only God knows how long. 267 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:34,560 When I came to, I looked back to find my beautiful baby just staring at me, probably wondering 268 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:45,100 why on earth I had him sit there for so long. 269 00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:48,520 This beautiful guy, this was my best male friend. 270 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,800 This is Jacob. 271 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:52,800 Best friend. 272 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,720 I loved him so much. 273 00:17:54,720 --> 00:18:00,520 When I got the news that he had overdosed and died, my first question was, do you know 274 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:01,840 where he got the drugs? 275 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,080 They must have been really good if they killed him. 276 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:11,920 I stopped asking God to deliver me from addiction and I started thanking him and praising him 277 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,680 for setting me free. 278 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:22,280 Psalms 145 verse 18, the Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in 279 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,280 truth. 280 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,800 He delivered me and he set me free. 281 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:32,560 John 8 verse 11, and Jesus said to the prostitute, nor do I condemn you. 282 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,200 Go forth and sin no more. 283 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,440 He gave me the peace that I had been searching for. 284 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:42,560 Psalms 29, 11, the Lord gives strength to his people. 285 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:45,480 The Lord blesses his people with peace. 286 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:51,480 The peace that I had paid hundreds and hundreds of thousand dollars, if not a million, searching 287 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,760 for. 288 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,280 He gave me for free. 289 00:18:55,280 --> 00:19:00,920 All the meetings with strangers, all the different dope mans, all the different drug dealers, 290 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:05,400 all the ways that I had tried to find happiness never prevailed. 291 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:11,200 I reached out to God and he picked me up and he gave me what I had been searching for. 292 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:17,440 Colossians 3 verse 15, let the peace of Christ rule in your heart since as a member of one 293 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:21,640 body you were called to peace and be thankful. 294 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,640 He met me right where I was. 295 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,320 He met me in my complete and utter darkness. 296 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,320 All my friends are dead. 297 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:34,000 From the first time I shared this story until now, the number of people that I knew that 298 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,280 have lost their battle with addiction has only increased. 299 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:43,680 So many times I bought the same sack of drugs that the next person bought and they didn't 300 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,360 wake up. 301 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:50,420 So many situations I put myself in, a strange man could have murdered me and chopped me 302 00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:51,880 up in little pieces. 303 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:56,800 I could have been sex trafficked and never saw my family again, but God saw fit to keep 304 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,480 me safe. 305 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:04,920 I have broken every commandment except murder, but I don't know that I didn't sell someone 306 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:10,600 a sack of drugs and then go home and not wake up, but God has forgiven me. 307 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:15,240 Forgiving myself has been hard, but the Lord works with me daily and gives me peace about 308 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,960 my past. 309 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:22,960 Romans 5 verses 3 and 4, we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for 310 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:28,520 we know that they help us develop endurance and endurance develops strength of character 311 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:33,040 and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 312 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:36,880 I wouldn't change a thing about my past. 313 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:41,360 After seeing all the evil in the world, it's so easy to see just how wonderful my Lord 314 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:44,040 and Savior Jesus Christ is. 315 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:49,200 He knew that those 14 years of darkness would all lead up to me standing right here in front 316 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:55,400 of you beautiful people sharing with you the worst parts of my life, sharing with you the 317 00:20:55,400 --> 00:21:00,000 hell that He pulled me out of. 318 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:06,440 Romans 5, 6, when we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died 319 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,640 for us sinners. 320 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:13,440 I really honestly used to think I could do everything I was doing, say a prayer when 321 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:17,120 I needed something and I would go to heaven. 322 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,200 God knows my heart is something that people say when they know that they're not living 323 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,280 the way they should be. 324 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,600 God absolutely knows our hearts. 325 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:31,320 Jeremiah 17, 9, the heart is deceitful of all things and desperately wicked. 326 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,600 Who can know it? 327 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,200 God knows we are sinners. 328 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,840 He knows our righteousness is but filthy rags. 329 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,900 God didn't just deliver me and set me free from addiction. 330 00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:45,320 He gave me an entirely new outlook on life. 331 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:50,600 He gave me a purpose that I never knew that I had, a purpose that the enemy was trying 332 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,840 so hard to keep me from. 333 00:21:53,840 --> 00:22:00,840 Romans 15, 13, may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him 334 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:05,640 so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 335 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,560 I could have killed my children. 336 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:12,160 I could have killed other people and I could have killed myself. 337 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:18,520 I alone demolished my confidence and self-respect, but God is working with me to restore those 338 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:19,520 things. 339 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:25,160 Psalms 25, 10, all the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful. 340 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:30,720 In seven months, He has done more for me than I was able to do for myself in my entire 32 341 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,600 years of life. 342 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,440 Drugs altered my soul, so I took my soul to the altar. 343 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,360 I didn't finish high school. 344 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:40,720 I never held down a real job. 345 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:45,560 When I decided to give my life to Christ, when I stopped selling myself, when I stopped 346 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:51,280 selling pictures and videos, I had no idea how I was going to support myself and my children, 347 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,880 but I decided to bluntly follow the Lord. 348 00:22:54,880 --> 00:23:00,240 I told God I wanted to tell everyone my story, that I would go anywhere and everywhere. 349 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,060 I was given the opportunity to share what He did for me. 350 00:23:04,060 --> 00:23:08,760 He blesses me through the people whose hearts I touch, sharing the hell He pulled me out 351 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:09,960 of. 352 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:15,000 I'm a single mom with no help from either baby father, so the love offerings I receive 353 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:19,480 from telling this story are how God makes sure we have what we need. 354 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:24,160 I wouldn't change my poorly picked baby daddies because they gave me the two most amazing 355 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:27,040 kids in the entire world. 356 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:31,120 And a lot of times I think if I wouldn't have been having premarital sex, I wouldn't be 357 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:34,680 raising two babies by myself. 358 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,440 But without those babies, I would have never had a reason to get sober. 359 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,520 So God always just works it out. 360 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:46,760 I am and I will continue to raise them to love Jesus. 361 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,640 I read them Bible stories. 362 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:53,640 I pray out loud around them all the time because I want them to know that there's never a wrong 363 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,880 time to talk to Jesus. 364 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:59,680 There's nothing He can't help you do or help you get through. 365 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:05,160 Philippians 4 verse 13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 366 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:11,480 I want to shout from the rooftops that Jesus is love and that He delivered me. 367 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:19,560 A sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, prostitute junkie. 368 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:24,680 He's the first man who never wanted anything from me except my heart. 369 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:29,640 I will never stop telling strangers that Jesus loves them. 370 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:37,920 No matter how many times someone gets angry or laughs in my face, I have to share this 371 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,040 love that I have found. 372 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:45,360 The love I have been looking for all my life, I found it in my Heavenly Father. 373 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:50,920 I was so loud in my sin and in my addiction that I have to be even louder in my love for 374 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,720 Christ. 375 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:57,120 He kept me safe because He knew that I could give hope to people living the life I left 376 00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:03,480 behind and that I would encourage people who have loved ones and friends in that situation 377 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:09,080 to not stop praying, to never give up on that person because there's no limit to what my 378 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,280 God can do. 379 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,480 I'm just a nobody. 380 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,800 But with God, I'm powerful. 381 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:21,340 I am anointed, appointed, blessed, and ever so highly favored. 382 00:25:21,340 --> 00:25:24,880 When I started this journey with God, I had nothing. 383 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,400 I didn't have a car. 384 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,280 I didn't have self-respect. 385 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,880 I didn't have my sanity. 386 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,720 Everything I have right now belongs to God. 387 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:40,600 And even if He took it all away, I am sober and I have a mind and heart full of Christ 388 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:44,240 and I know that everything's going to be okay. 389 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:50,600 All these pictures that you've seen while I've been speaking are people who are no longer 390 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:55,920 with us, people who lost their battle with addiction. 391 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:56,840 Thank you for letting me share.