Hello and welcome to Pineapple Foolies Season
5, Episode 2, Still Only Bloodborne Campaign.
Last time our group of, uh, assorted hunters,
let's put it that way. Is that fucking boxed
wine you're just chugging from all over? He's
done that a few times. I was hoping no one noticed.
I just kept casually picking it up. Oh, unwrap.
I've noticed you do that a few times. I just
Richard was the only one who noticed. He just
laughed as I picked the whole box up. Well, last
time on season five. Do you want to restart that?
No, keep it in. We're fighting for a reason.
Kind of fitting. Our viewers know us well enough
by now. Last time the group of hunters woke up
in a fucked up looking clinic without most of
their supplies. They managed to fight off a big
ass on fire werewolf and discovered that the
beast plague has been spreading while they've
all been unconscious. They stepped out into the
moonlit night of Yharnam to find that someone
has fucked up and committed a major arson attack
on the city. They are now standing in the clinic's
graveyard. Well, looks like someone's been arson
around over here. God dang it, beat me to it.
I'm here all week. So, the graveyard is... seemingly
empty, with a wrought iron gate hanging open.
There we go. You guys are in the graveyard. You
can't see anyone else in there with you. I don't
want to alert anyone here, boys, but I get the
feeling we're not alone. We've got a graveyard,
yay. And how would you know that? Yeah, I wonder
how the fuck you'd know that. Some sort of other
version. It's coming to me. I'm getting a vision.
Clara, did you see that too? Alright, so you
guys are in a large graveyard. There's a big
ol' fancier looking headstone in the middle and
then a bit that's like a little side staircase
that goes above. And a rotten gate around here.
That is the way out. I think it's pretty foggy
but you can see decently well because, again,
the entire city is on fire. Which it was not
last time you guys were awake. Whatcha gonna
do? I don't remember it looking so smoky out
here. Perhaps the barbecue went a bit too awry.
Anyone gonna go first? I wanted to listen to
Hank Hill more. God dang it. Okay, is there any
good reason for us to look up these stairs, or
are we just gonna leave? You don't see anything
up the stairs and they do seem to just be like
a little balcony to overlook the courtyard. Okay.
The cleric just starts walking forward and says,
you're in my way. You guys can still move your
tokens, yes? Am I the only one with him when
he walks away? I hate to watch him leave. Oh
yeah, hold on. I need to control the three icons
because they're still on my shoulders. Oh. You
know what, actually, if you want to, I can let
you have that. Because I have a feeling they're
going to be back up there every opportunity they
get. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I haven't
been this tall ever. I love every second of it.
That's for sure. Alright, you should have control
over all three of these now. Alright, there we
go. Yeah, there you go. And can I get a quick...
As long as they're up there, I'm giving you disadvantage
to perception checks, because I assume they're
going to be flirting with you as much as possible.
Disadvantage on what? Perception. Which you don't
need. Yeah, that's fine, because my perception
is shit already. If anyone else wants to be carried
bridal style by someone, they are. Now, I want
to ask Jay. Do we get... advantage on perception,
me and Gertrude, because we are taller. We have
like a lighthouse view kind of thing where we
can see around. Because he's so tall, we're higher.
Just a slight one. Maybe just a plus one or something.
Not even advantage, but like a plus one. I'm
going to give you... Because I don't want to
give you both bonuses for one person taking an
L. Because that's not equivalent. What I will
give you is... You know what? While you are up
there, I'm going to treat him as a fucking shooting
terror for you two. So if you are using ranged
weapons, you cannot be dodged while you're up
there. But similarly, if something comes at you
guys, you guys can't run. Because you're being
held by a beefy man. You cannot escape. We don't
need to run. It's fine. We're being carried by
a literal tank. It's okay. Yeah. So I'm going
to need perception checks from the group. And
I'm going to need... Don't worry about... Okay,
how far did we get through the graveyard before
we did this perception check? About where you
are, about to the statue. So we just walked past
the statue in the middle, okay. Seven. Eight
and a five. You know what, I'll roll anyway,
fuck it. You've got a minus two and disadvantage,
so, you know, tip of the expectations. Everyone
can roll perception if they feel like it. If
they feel their character will be paying attention
to anything. Yeah, I rolled a 1 anyway, so yeah.
I've got somebody's skirt in my eyes at the moment.
I don't know which one it is. It's not my skirt,
yeah. Oh god. Horrific, horrific. We've lost
a fish. Like a badly packed kebab. So, with a
9... I just imagine, hold on. That he is holding
them like this. I can't. I feel fucking pissed.
You look like damn axe wound. What are you trying
to copy and paste? Okay, do I want to know why
the last thing said in chat is that? Oh, the
thing I told him not to look up. Yes, that's
what it is. Horrifying. Yeah, right, anyway.
We're spitting dick aside. Moving on. Cartman,
you have the highest perception, so I am going
to let you notice that you are in fact not alone,
as Hank may have received a prophetic vision
about. And slumped behind the gravestones, unmoving
for a brief moment, are... Two figures. One,
two. Go figure. Go figure. They're both pretty
close to the statue. It seems like they're just
kind of chilling around it. They are person -shaped.
They're not like the wolf thing, but they are
very much like the things the wolf guy ate. There's
fur sprouting from their cheeks and neck. Their
bottom teeth jut out. from their mouths in sharp
curved fangs and they, as they begin to stir,
move awkwardly, seeming to scramble with their
hands as much as they stand upright. These are
infected Eornimites. They are citizens that have
succumbed to the Beast Plague but haven't yet
become true beasts and monsters. You'll know
that these things tend to be pretty fucking vicious
and that they do not like hunters at all. And
with that, we're going to go right back into
combat. These sons do not rest at all. This here
graveyard does not look up the code. That's a
five. Five! Get a zero again. It does not like
you. Ah, hold on. Oh, that's actually a ten.
I don't know why I did it. Plus one, it's actually
plus two. I have a ten. There we go. Turns for
everyone. Right. Cartman, what was your roll?
For what? For perception? For your initiative,
yeah. Which you have not rolled. Never mind.
Tooken. Yours was a 10, yeah? Yes, ma 'am. Right.
Granny Gertie was... Mine was a 5. 5? Yeah. That
was a five as well. Five as well? Yeah, six for
31. Hank? Five. Five. And Cap? Zero. Again? Poor
Cap. On your order. Right, so Brittany, it seems,
is the first one up. You see two Yharnamites.
close to you with what appears to be elementary
weapons, sort of like a torch in one hand, an
axe in the other, shambling towards you, and
much further away you will notice a slightly
less deformed one that does not appear to have
an axe. You are currently on the shoulders of
your cleric friend. And you're going to have
to get down if you want to melee them. Or convince
the cleric to charge them, I guess. That could
work. Brittany? Duggan? Yes? You're up. It's
your turn. Yeah. Laugh at me all you want. I'm
doing that. Just give me a second. Okay. I'm
thinking of my next move. I'm looking at this
map. Sorry, you said something? Where am I? What
am I doing? Um, so... You are behind yourself.
You're in the shoulders of the Lord. This is
not your beautiful cleric. This is not my beautiful
axe. I still don't have a bullet, so I'm gonna
have to hop off. Oh yeah, you're out of ammo
currently. I'm about to hop off the beautiful
cleric. Unfortunately. So if you want to run
over towards them. Can she get me to charge them?
So, you can move usually on your turn or your
enemy's turn. I'm going to say because the three
of you are like a fucked up homunculus unit at
the moment that you can move, but that'll count
as your movement for this round. If Brittany
wants you to charge them. I'm going to hop off.
I'm going to move. I'm going to hop off. I'm
just going to lightly rub my hand across his
face and be like, I'll be back. And I just hop
down. Whee! She's so small. It's like, whee!
She's living on a first -story building. You
take falling damage? You break both your ankles.
I will say, because you're so... Because the
player boy is a tall boy and because you're jumping
down and presumably running over to snack one
of them, I'm gonna... Taxi, like, say 10 stamina.
Alright. Alright, taxi, get over there. Can I
have a wee push? Alright, alright. He says, run
then, but be swift. Wolves do not wait while
lions wander. I'm going to run over to here,
and I'm going to smack the shit out of this one
right here. It's the nearest one. With my baseball
bat. Your big ol' bat? That's 47 damage. and
unfortunately for you he's going to choose to
fucking nope out of that because these guys aren't
quite as stupid as the little boy was and also
aren't stunned yet so he's gonna use in fact
I think he's gonna because you have a baseball
bat he's gonna need to fucking book it away from
you he does still want to attack everyone else
though so I think he's gonna go kind of about
here And that will use up all of his stamina.
Why are you running away? Stop it! He's going
to see a tiny pink -dressed woman booking it
towards him, and this Yharnamite, who is used
to Victorian London aesthetics, is going to be
so startled by a glittery Barbie baseball bat
that he just fucking runs in terror. Stop! Quit
it! Let me hit you! Stop it! Let me get you!
Do not give chase young lamb. Come back to safety.
I'm dying right now. Stay safe in his handsome
cleric arms. And seemingly choosing to pick a
much easier target. He is going to try and set...
You know what, I've been so mean to Cartman already.
He has to suffer for it, but it's been him every
time. I'm wondering, Jay, what would be an easier
target than a 5 '2", tiny, bright pink girl with
a tiny baseball bat? Like, at this point, the
fact that there is a foreboding Hank Hill, a
giant cleric, and a glittering knight, but this
tiny, bright pink... Five foot two girl with
a baseball bat is not the least intimidating
thing. Yeah, she is. She's unusual enough to
be unsettling here. Yeah, I think it's that kind
of like animal logic. If you see something in
like a drab environment that's really brightly
colored, it's probably best not to fuck with
it. You're like a poison dart frog, but glitter
flavored. Like computer flight. complete fight
or flight. Just seeing the pink is like... This
man has never seen a neon color in his life.
Stop gaslighting me! Get back here! And he's
going to, perhaps sensing a kindred spirit, try
to set Hank Hill on fire. I just realized at
this point, does this make me a pick -me girl?
Like, come on! Come here! Pick me! Pick me! Come
on! Oh my god, I'm so into torture and, like,
fire and axes. Come on! So, that is gonna be...
2d6. Uh, so he's gonna try and set you on fire
for 10 fire damage. You let him eat it, spend
some stamina to get out of this. I can spend
some stamina. You have, once again, boxed your
ass in a little bit, so you're going to have
to come back this way if you want to spend anything
less. You don't have to go to the side. Does
DR play anything into it? How much am I spending?
Oh yeah, DR and MR. So fire and stuff is MR.
So if it's just 10, which it is... That would
only be 7 then, because I have two... Wait, am
I looking at MR? MR. Match resist. Two MR and
one fire, so that'll be three total? No, bud,
at the top of your page. This probably won't
deal any damage to you. Oh, DR11, then? It's
MR. The little fire -looking thing. Oh, MR12.
Yeah, so this would just glance off you. Oh,
come at me, boy. Yeah, Hank Hill being immune
to fire attacks fits, so... He's just there with
a flint and steel. Come on. Come on. So, yeah,
he attempts to set you on fire with a torch and
he stands there. He compels him. He's confused
as fuck. You're not flammable. What is this?
Next on is, in fact, Hank himself. Now, you see,
my code here is made of a spare star, so you
ain't gonna get anything through here. On the
other hand, eat shit, you damn hillbilly. And
I'm gonna shove the spear into his face. And
he can't dodge. He's out of stam. 47. Is that
what a handheld has? A melee weapon as a spear?
It's a saw spear. This guy does in fact have
10 DR, so that will be 37, but still a significant
chunk of damage. Nice. And then it is on to Granny
Gertrude, who is still up in the... still being
tenderly held. Yep, I'm going to turn to the
cleric. Stroke his face gently. Could you do
Granny a favour, dear, and throw me at that bastard
so I can hit him? DM, can I do that? You absolutely
can. I will require a strength check from you
and a skill check from Granny Gertrude, but you
can throw an old woman at this man. 11 plus 1.
So what, another D10, yeah? Yep, d10 plus your
modifiers each. Oh, that's it. Nice. And for
Cap, your strength. Are you certain, Gertrude?
You're gonna have to toss me. And then after
those, I'll toss you. Don't do it in a gentle
way. Make a turn, dammit! Make me turn on. I
want to reach terminal velocity. May the gods
be with you. I roll a... Wait, I've got a strength
modifier. Smash straight into the floor. Into
the back of Carmen. I told you to make it touch,
but it didn't mean like this. So that's a 3 -3
or strength check for throwing out the orchard.
I'm going to say that Granny, like, oh god. So
you're not going to go very far. I think in fact
you are going to land effectively on Hank. I
will say that you're not going to be harmed by
this because you've got such a good roll, Gertrude.
What does it look like as the cleric tries and
fails to toss a grandma? Well, the cleric is
very unsure about tossing the grandma in the
first place. He does not want to hurt her so
he very gently tosses her in the general direction
of the enemy. It's a very gentle I don't know
if a toss is the right word, but like a wee underarm
throw. He just sets her on the ground. As if
he's just trying to kill her on the way. Okay,
I'll let you be down for that, but I don't think
you're gonna... Can I not move anymore? Actually,
he tossed you, so yeah, you can still have movement.
I don't know what I'll fucking do with myself.
Okay, I'm gonna run out. Give this boy a schmeck.
Now, you risen here, young man. Stop accosting
people in graveyards. People get in trouble for
that, you know. I will say that Cap is absolutely
not going to be able to move on his town. He's
been throwing women around. Classic Cap. Okay,
there we go. That's going to be 40 damage. Math
is not my strong suit, but I believe that's fair.
Perhaps I should have thrown her harder. Yes,
you bloody should. Those strong, muscular arms
of yours. I apologise, Granny Gertrude. I did
not want to hurt. How delicate. It is now Vince's
time to shine. Yeah. I'm going to attack the
guy closest to me, which is to my left on the
board. It's the Jojo you guys kick in this guy's
ass. Yeah. I'm just ignoring everybody else.
The ants just swarm while they consume. Get him!
I'm just going to carry on with my treaded cane.
Close attack. 10d8. We've lost him. Yeah, he's
dead. 39. He's not dead. There's two more of
these guys. 44. He is looking pretty rough, though.
And it's going to take him a while to be able
to move pretty much anywhere because he's used
up his stamina. Next up, however, is his buddy,
who is kind of looking over at his very beat
up comrade, tilting his head, grunting a little,
and then reaching into his coat pocket to pull
out a very familiar looking bottle. I'm going
to need skill rolls, I think, from every single
one of you guys. What skill is this? As this
Yharnamite rears back his hand and throws a Molotov
Cocktail directly into the mist of this entire
group. Okay, so my deal for this is 14, so do
I roll 14? No, bud. You roll your d10 plus your
skill modifier. Same as it's been for pretty
much every roll. I'm figuring it out slowly.
Yeah, it's all good. We believe in you. Six.
As this is going to be five d10. Sorry, what
kind of roll did you say this was? Perception?
Skill. Skill. Damn it. I got a five. Is that
going to help me? That's a one. for me. Not a
nat one, just a one. I think everyone who got
below a five is fucked. I'm happy with that.
I'm good. I got a six. I'm plus three. So Cartman
and Cap are fine. Does DR come into account?
It's about to. So it would have been Matt got
hit and Brittany got hit? Right? Yeah, I've got
one. Okay. What about the one standing next to
us? He is probably also going to get hit too,
because he can't really pass it with ease. Oh,
never mind. Yeah, he's fine. He manages to nimbly
duck behind the statue a little bit. And not
get fucked up. He's probably not going to live
anyway with how you guys have been wailing on
him, but the rest of you guys are going to take...
25 points of fire damage, minus your MR, and
for Matt, you also have fire resistance, I believe,
so you take whatever that is off of it. 25, minus
your MR, minus whatever fire resistance you have.
12. So, take that off the damage, and then take
that damage. You will also, unless you put yourself
out, be aflame for a bit. You'll be taking half
damage on your next turn if you don't put yourself
out. As there is now a fire roaring to life and
the smell of charred flesh starts to permeate
the air. God dang it. And the news does not get
better as the next one up is this guy here. You
so far have been mostly focused on these two
that are closer to you and not the less mutated
friend they have but as you hear a loud echo
through the air. I am going to need all three
of you guys to decide if you're spending stamina
to get out of the way of a bullet as the Yarmulite
Rifleman has decided to take aim at the convenient
little line -up the three of you have here. He
could do all three of us. Yep, Cap. He's essentially
aiming at... like the Cleric's chest and if Cap
moves you guys are going to have to see if you
can get out of the way. What kind of damage is
this going to do? What's the roll? So... The
roll is... 28 and you will be staggered because
this is a big fucking rifle. Is there a chance
I won't be staggered? No, with this gun he has,
if he hits you, you do get stunned for a round
and can't move. I'm going to dodge out of the
way of that one. Hang on, you only need to dodge
if Cap dodges. It's essentially like a domino
thing. Where all three of you have lined yourself
up perfectly to get smacked. So if you want to
avoid getting smacked, either Cap takes the bullet
or you dodge. How much is that going to cost
to dodge? It is going to cost... You guys can't
really run from a bullet, so I'm going to say
it's going to cost the full 30 to dash. And that's
going to be from each of you that dodges it.
Yeah. Dominicus just makes himself as big as
possible. He says, stay behind me! I will not
fall while heresy still walks. And he takes the
bullet right in the chest. What a guy. What a
guy. That is 28 damage minus your DR and you
are stunned and staggered. So I've got a pretty
decent DR here. I have 14 DR. So that's 14 damage.
So I'll take it at 14 damage, that's no problem.
My hero. What in the hell right now? That is
now your turn. You can't move though and I don't
think you have anyone within hitting range. So
I think you're just going to have to skip this
turn unfortunately Cap. Got a ranged weapon.
Have you got ammo for it? I do. I've got two
ammo for it. Oh, nice. Never mind. You can shoot.
I'm just doing my damage here. Take 14 damage.
Okay. Got my damage updated. Sorry. Yeah, so
he is obviously a bit hurt. He's taking a breath.
He's like, fucking hell. Yeah, but he just raises
his... He raises his crossbow and fires straight
back at the person who shot at him. Nice. Hit
me the damage for that. Right, so this one was
5d8 damage, 1 ammo cost, and I've only got 2
bolts for this. He raises his mandible, and he
squeezes the rosary ring that acts as its trigger.
And he just says CONFESS as the shot rings out.
That's it. 23. So I rolled 23 on that. Do I have
any modifiers for that? So for ranged weapons
it is Bloodtinge that is your modifier. Oh that's
fantastic then because I get a plus 4 on that
one. He is going to choose...actually it's a
ranged one, he can't dodge that, he doesn't have
the stamina for it. So that is how much damage
for him? 27. 27. Can you roll me a religion check
too, just because you said confess there? Yeah,
sure. What do you want for that? Just a religion
roll. That's 13. Yeah, you hear him distantly
grumble, I've been to church and missed mass
like seven times. He does confess. He starts
confessing. I stole from the communion waver
thing. I ate far too many of them. Very silly.
I, to my father, I definitely didn't donate my
old clothes to the charity auction. But he is
somewhat injured now. That's an impressive ability.
Yeah. I didn't realize that I could do that.
Yes. Wow. Don't ever use that on me. You do not
want to hear what I have to confess. I'll confess
to my sins for sure. Appropriate. It is your
turn, Brittany, if you want to confess something.
We'll get to confessing later. I'm chasing after
this bitch. Although, you were set on fire, weren't
you? Me? Yeah. You were one of the ones that
failed the Molotov check, yeah? Yeah, you and
Hank. I was. I was. So, you're gonna take half
of what the Molotov damage was, which was 25,
so you're gonna take 12 damage? 12 damage. Yeah,
12 fire damage. And then you can do whatever
you want on your turn. Okay. I am going to then,
I guess, attack. I'm going to chase after the
bitch that left me. I'm trying to run away from
me. Come here, motherfucker! I'll fuck you up!
I'm just waving above my head like, come here!
What are you? And I'm just running after him.
I'm going to try and swing at him again. Cool
thing. He cannot leave. That is 47 damage. And
once again, Brittany gets the killing blow on
something. Jesus Christ. I told you not to fucking
die. Don't underestimate me. Yeah. The bat comes
down and crushes his head into the side of the
gravestone statue as he falls limply to the floor.
That's my girl. Well done. Damn straight. I give
a big old wink to Gertrude like, yes granny,
yes. With our jest our providence, the old gods
keep giving you the last word. Damn straight.
Uh -huh. She looked bloody fabulous doing it,
too. Fucking right. I'm a boss -ass bitch. For
sure. I think this guy's going to use up his
stamina. He's dead. Yeah. Wait, which genre is
this? Oh, yeah, he is dead. Thank you for the
reminder. It is now hackstone. God dang it. You
are soon to be getting the last kill on things.
Kind of impressive, kind of scary. Can I reach
any of these two? If you give up some stamina
to sprint your ass over to this guy, you can
definitely reach him. Cool. As for the fire thing,
considering I would have... Does it take DR into
account or not? The DR protects you from the
initial hit, but everything after that, you're
just a... Getting reamed a little bit. But does
the fire give me something towards it? Yes, it
will. Cool, so it'll be an 11 then, yes. Oh,
and you and Took, if you want, put a flame on
your sheet. Just take it off, like on fire or
whatever. Take it off when you eventually put
yourselves out. We should just stay on fire?
Yeah, you guys are on fire until you put yourself
out. Oh. More until you die. Can't be on fire
if you're dead. True. And because you were set
on fire, I think I'm going to make you take the
damage from this round, and then you can put
yourself out. Which would be 12 damage. 11 is
the thing. Yep, 11, because you have fire resistance.
Oh, fuck it, I'm going to get both of them all.
Let's get a run at this guy. How much stamina?
Stamina for running 10 feet is 20. I'm just going
to say that you can get there in 10 feet. It
doesn't super matter. Alright. How about this?
My football days. I'm going to pull out the spear
as I'm running and basically kind of hunch over,
spear out front. 41. And unfortunately for you,
he's going to choose to get the fuck out of the
way of that because he has enough stamina that
he can get out of your way. But he is going to
stay close to you. He's not running too far.
But you're on range to attack him next turn if
he doesn't move again. Granny Gertrude, you are
up. Amazing. I would like to do the same again
and run up to him. That will be the same 20 stamina.
Amazing. Let's change that now so I don't forget.
Okay. I will trust her instincts next time. 50.
Jesus Christ, I should have saved to dodge that.
Take that, you motherfucker. Inside is 20 -20.
Alright, that brings him down to 96. Fat old
hit. Cartman is up to Vince now. There's only
two guys left. I'm going to go help Granny. I
think aid is needed. I'm going to go. run up
to the um the beast and hit him with my fretted
cane again seems to be the winning for me um
yep go for it 50. i got yeah i got a good hit
in yeah it's 46. take that nice uh no hang on
it's a 50 i'll get to add my skill 53 i said
53. 53 okay good on you for remembering that
now i get to be a little bit evil here i think
63 HP. Okay, sure. Right, so. This torch runner
right here is going to go after Matt, who has
already used stamina this round to get his ass
over here. So you cannot dodge this. Yep, joy
and fun. And he is just going to smack you with
his axe, which is... 3d8. That is a really shitty
roll, but okay. Oh, sorry, 4d8, my bad. 23 damage.
Minus your DR. So... 12. And then, noticing that
his friend is teaming up with him, it's the other
Yarn Knight Slayer, this guy with the gun. And
he is going to smack you with a bullet again.
Which is damage, damage, damage. Who's he aiming
for? Is it 3D10? He's aiming for Matt. Am I able
to use my turn to get in the way of it? So you
can... Get down, Mr. President. So you got staggered,
if you remember right, but you skipped that turn
already. It's not back to you again quite yet.
So no, you can't, because you're still staggered.
You can't move. Ordinarily, yeah, I'd let you
do it. But you've got an effect on you, unfortunately.
Hold on. So that's 3d10. So that is 21 damage
on Matt, who is also staggered. Well, I'm probably
going to be dead next to him. Assuming the two
Yharnamites survive to try and smack your ass
and no one's in the way of it. I won't fight.
You did put yourself out? I thought you said
you put yourself out. Oh, wait. Does that not
take a move out? Yeah, you said he took the damage
this turn. And then put himself out. It doesn't
take movement to put yourself out, it would if
you were putting someone else out. I probably
should make it take movement. That's about worse
than a bone of brisket. And not kill you on the
second episode. Right, so it is now Cap's turn.
You are finally unstaggered from taking that
earlier bullet. What are you going to do? I think
Dominicus is going to start making his way towards
this rifleman that's been causing us some trouble.
You see him visibly regret it. He's like hastily
trying to reload the rifle. Shit, shit, shit,
shit. There's a fucking tank that just runs out.
You see the bullet from the last round fall to
the ground. I confess! I confess! I confess I'm
fucking terrified. What does it take for me to
get to this guy? Same thing. This is a sprint
to get your ass over there. 20 stamina. 20 stamina.
Hank is looking pretty fucked up by now, by the
way. He's hanging on. He's been shot, beaten,
burned. He appears to be walking slowly. From
the perception of this rifleman. However, he's
suddenly right next to him. With his hammer raised
aloft to come up his head. He says, your rifles
won't save you when judgment walks to meet you.
And he brings down the hammer. He's playing actual
Bloodborne. The rest of you guys are playing
GTA. He's playing Doom while we're all playing
Worldborne over here. Yeah. He brings it down
onto the rifleman for 53 damage. So that's 45
of DR. Fucking math. 18 health left, so very
little. You manage to smack down on this dude
and he is visibly shaking like a scared dog.
And also very... beaten. He's managed to crush
the hand he was holding a torch aloft with. And
he seems pretty close to death. Bone crunched
when your hammer came down. My goodness, the
strength of that man. Brittany, it is up again.
Your former foe has been vanquished pretty fucking
effectively. You'd have two targets for you to
kill, steal the last hit on once more. Oh yeah,
like while they're all fighting this other one,
I'm over here still actively beating the dead
body of this one with a bat. Like, bam! Fuck
you, bitch! Fuck you! But I'm gonna take this
turn to put myself out. Good choice. Imagine
all the blood spraying on you is put. Although,
as I made Matt deal with, because you started
this turn still on fire, you know the drill,
you take six damage. Six damage, okay. Unfortunately.
6? It goes half each turn, so it started 25,
then 12, now 6. Did Dooku not put himself out
the last turn? Nope, he ate the 12 damage. Busy
bludgeoning someone to death. I did not. You
know what, just to make this a little bit fair,
if you want to avoid the damage from now on,
I'll let you put yourself out, but you can't
move. You eat the 6 and you're able to go do
shit. Okay. I put myself out. And so am I able
to run over and actually attack this one? Go
kick ass. Take names. I can't. I'm going to run
over and I'm going to beat the fuck out of this
guy with my bat. Come here, dear. Come beat the
fuck out of this guy. Yes, yes, bitch. Definitely.
I got you. I got you, queen. I got you. Fucking
dream team over here. Beat the fuck out of people.
And Hank. Hank's there too. That is 38 damage.
He is still not dead. With two stun. That's not
how that works. You have to hit a 4 to stun him.
What? It's a 1 in 4 chance, right? I did not
give you just 1d4 stun, did I? It says... Hold
on. It should be a 1 in 4 chance that you roll
a d4 to see if you stun. It says 9d10 with 1d4
stun. Yeah, that's a 1 in 4 chance of stunning,
sorry. Okay, so a 4 means a stun. I'm not letting
you do what you did to Matt in the last campaign
with that fucking electric baton. So that is
28. Brittany takes out her theater light. Oh
yeah, that. So 15 health. Strength modifier,
Brittany? It is a zero. Oh, never mind. I'm being
pedantic about nothing. Oh shit, take another
point off of him. Take one more point off of
him. Okay, will do. So your bat floods into this
thing, and unlike his comrade, he stays barely
upright. But you manage to cave in his ribs with
sick crack noise. You can tell he's got some
internal bleeding going on now. Yeah, that's
right, get him. Beat his ass. It's like hitting
a wet sandbag. Fuck him up! Right, and it is
the dead one's turn, I think. Yep. On tank. So,
what's the deal with healing? Can you heal in
an attack or can you not? Hang on, did you get
stunned? Yes, you said you were stunned. Can't
move, but he's in hitting range anyway. Usually
healing would take the place of movement. because
you can't move. I'm going to say you can't...
You can either attack or heal because you can't
move. I'm just stabby stabby. God dang you motherfucker.
God damn. Taking a scratch on my coat. What a
fix. Yep, you managed to kill this bitch. Only
the first non -Britney kill of the game. Let
the calf go ass out and make some steaks. What
does it look like as you... smack your spear
into this newly dead Eornamite. It's a saw spear,
so I'd like to say that it's kind of going across
his neck and just going... Oh god. I think you
have to cut the back of his head to keep it in
place as you just saw through his spinal cord.
Me and Brady will hold him down. And cut him
into pieces. The wet girdle he passes on becomes
nothing more than a desecrated beast. corpse.
Leaving Granny Gertrude with a gory vision and
what else to do with a man. Splattered in blood.
And this goes quite far away. I imagine it's
going to cost a fair amount of stamina to get
over to him. I think I'll leave him to you, dear.
I say to the cleric. You can, if you want, by
the way, feed Hank his potion of heals, his blood
vial. I can do that, can't I? Yep. Would you
like some healing? Here we go, open up, here
we go, there's a good chap. Here we go, that's
it, there we go. Would you like a sweetie for
being such a good boy? Oh, hell yeah. Okay, hold
on. I'm rummaging my handbag. Hold on, I think
I've got something here. Ah, yes, here we go.
You've got a choice. I've got two things for
you. I've got a delicious Werther's Original
or a Murray Mint. I must say, I'm going to have
to take the Murray Mint. There you go, dear.
That's a good boy. Thank you very much. On to
Vince. It comes pretty chewed. I've got no teeth,
so it's been gummed to death. Horrible. Enjoy!
Imagine it's unwrapped too, so there's all the
lint from the handbag on it. Just hanging in
the corner just going... He put it in his mouth
first. Yeah, yeah. I think he's kind of forced
into it. Right, Vince, Cartman, what are you
doing? You're one of the few people with bullets,
I think. That's a good point, because he's actually
quite far away, so I can shoot him. Yes, I will.
I will shoot him with one of my free bullets.
Okay, so... I'm going to roll that now. No, that's
wrong. That's wrong. I'd hope it's more than
seven damage. Yeah, it is. It's 5d10. Yeah, that's
a bit different than 1d10. 16. I got 16. What
a brilliant shot that was. He sees you raising
your gun to him and he flinches back only to
be like kind of bemused as you barely scuff his
arm. He's not even going to bother dodging that.
That's only 6 damage to him so he's on 11 health.
And it is now his turn. I think he's going to
try and point blank shoot Cap purely out of entire
fear. I think you've scared this man so badly.
Put his finger in the end of it. Not today. So
that is going to be 3d10 I believe. 15 damage
plus stun unless you choose to dodge it. Okay,
and what would it take to dodge it? I'm going
to say it's a dash, so 30 stamina. I don't think
you can jump or roll your way out of this bullet.
It's point blank. Matrix your way out of it.
I've got plenty of stamina, yeah. Fuck that,
I'm not taking a stunt. Yeah, we're doing the
dodge. Tell you what, because he's trying to
fire at a point blank range, we're just going
to have Dominicus grab the rifle, hold it to
the side. and let the shot ring out past him.
So for this Yharnamite, this is the most terrifying
thing that has ever happened to him in his entire
fucking life. He has been walked up on in like
fucking anime zipped too by this six foot eight
beast with a warhammer. He has had his bones
caved in, his friends murdered, and when he tries
to desperately get another stone on you so he
can fucking run, you grab his gun. As he's firing,
the bullet whizzes past your ear and he starts
shaking so violently the gun is like rattling
in your grip. It does not seem to have occurred
to him to let it go. Right. God, he's so cool.
It is now Cap's turn. What are you going to do
to this poor, poor man? Oh, well. With the rifle
barrel still in his hand, Dominicus rips the
rifle from the man's hands, flings it into the
mud. and then raises his hammer. The weight of
the cruciform hammer blotting out any light in
this man's face is now just a shadow cross across
the man's eyes. The hammer comes down in a shattering
arc and he says, return to the soil. The old
gods want nothing of you. And 10d10 with the
plus one damage. 63. Yeah, you are just this
mantuy splatter of guts and viscera. I think
that might be the highest roll we've had. Yeah.
Yes, it is. It is. And the battlefield falls
silent. Yep. That is them very, very dead. What
a guy. An eerie quiet spreads across this graveyard.
Hunters and corpses the only residents, as it
should be. If you guys want to, you can definitely
pick through these lads' pockets. Yeah. You're
probably going to want to, because Hank is still
very, very hurt. Yeah, definitely. Get looting.
We'll be raw. Right, so you guys are going to
be rolling perception. Hank is not going to find
a damn thing. Dominicus again closes his eyes
and murmurs a small prayer over the man he just
killed. Damn, Duke with a ten. That's a plus
two, that's a twelve. Oh, that's me. Are you
going to restrict the corpse of your new rifle?
Sorry? You roll, yeah. For the rifleman's belongings.
Oh yeah, six. Right. So... Start with Gertrude
and... Gertrude and Tick. You guys are looking
over this guy's corpse. What are you guys looking
for? Bullets? Weapon kind of stuff? Blood vials?
Well, it definitely looks like Rigor Mortis is
set in. It's only on the bits that matter. This
is why Gertrude's no longer allowed to be a hunter
officially. Too many coaches molested. I'd probably
look for some healing for Hank. Roll me a d4.
You find two blood vials. I look for bullets.
Here we go, Hank, dear. You look for what, Dick?
bullets. Uh, bullets. Now, this guy didn't have
a firearm, but because you got ten, I'm going
to say he was carrying D4 bullets for his friend.
You cut out. Uh, roll a D4 and we'll see how
many bullets you get, because you rolled them
real high. Okay. One. Fuck! Which, given that
this guy didn't have a gun, it's pretty good.
Yeah, it's pretty impressive. Just happened to
have a singular bullet on him. Yeah. Just, like,
on his keychain. Like, come in with a bullet.
Fuck it, I'll make it into my bullet. Put it
in my pretty pink gun. It's got his own name
written on it. Cap, what are you looking for
when you're a rifleman boy? Well, I think that
we'll probably look for bullets as well, but
am I able to first of all pull the bolt that
I fired into him back out of him? Um... Yeah,
actually, yeah, sure. You have a crossbow. Hit
me a D... 10, evens it's fine, odds it's broken.
Evens it's fine. Yep, so add that back to your
ammo. And you hit a 6, but here's a raffle. Hit
me a d6 for how many bullets you find. One. You
find one singular bullet. And are we going for
healing items, or was the choice made already?
I'd say... say the choice is pretty much made,
yeah. That is all you're gonna get from these
lads. They weren't the most geared out people.
Although I will say, if anyone wants to take
this big -ass rifle that he had... Yeah, tell
you what, I will pick up the rifle as well and
I'll carry it back over to my team. Cool. If
anyone likes that enough to keep it in their
inventory, that is a hunting rifle. Oddly enough,
it doesn't have anything to do with the hunters
that you are. It was used for essentially deer
hunting, pretty much. I'm equipped with all that
I need. Would this rifle be of use to any of
you? Not to me. I've got a blunderbuss, but perhaps
we could sell it if we found anyone. Any merchants?
What does it use? Skill or anything like that?
So, it uses blood tinge, like the ranged weapons
tend to. Uniquely though, it does use a fuckton
of quicksilver. It is a 3d10 weapon with one
stun using two quicksilver bullets. Might be
worth keeping all of it. I would have given you
those two blood vials as well. What do I roll
for that? 2d10? Yep, 2d10. 15. Not there. So
who's taking this rifle off me? Anyone? Sell
it. Write me the details down, I'll put it down
in a minute. Yep. Okay. As for the bullet, I
just hold it out in the palm of my hand towards
the MVP Brittany of the battles. What a gift.
I'll have the bullet. I'll take that. Will you
make use of this young lamb? Um, um, she's like,
for the first time, at a loss for words, that
he's looking at her. Completely red of face.
Ooh, woo. Um, absolutely. Um, um. Because of
nosebleed. Yeah, like, yeah. This is completely
animated. Like, nosebleeds completely down her
face. Um, I'll use it for something. Trying to
be shy, but completely just looking like a dumbass.
I think as you take it from him it's tiny in
his little hand but as you take it it's like
an artillery shell like holds it out to him in
like two fingers like holds it out but it's like
her entire body she's like oh my god I have blessed
this bullet continue to fight with the blessings
of the gods yes sir you are all free to leave
the graveyard now Okay, I'm going to scrabble
back up on the cleric's shoulder. Yeah? Is Brittany
going to be there too? I just laid them. I meant
to say he holds his arms out to walk up to his
shoulders. Come on! Up! Up! Cap, how do you feel
you've essentially become a mount? That's how
it ends. He's a siege tower. He's got two beautiful
women on him. So, as you all make your way out
of the graveyard, you get your first view of
Yharnam proper. You're essentially at the top
of one of the hills of the city. You see it sprawl
out crowded streets and dingy, darkened windows.
Again, lightened up by the odd bit of not -supposed
-to -be -there flame. A bridge stands in the
distance, connecting it to what you know as the
church district, the cathedral ward. Cap in particular
will be very familiar with that area, it's where
he's from. There's a steep drop below it, leading
it out into a street, connecting the clinic to
the town centre area. In the distance you hear
your first sounds of conflict. First sign that
you are not in fact the only hunters left. Sorry,
can you repeat that? You sort of cut out for
me. In the distance we hear what? Son of a bitch!
You're cutting out a lot. Discord, my nemesis.
Words then. Fucker. What's in the distance? In
the distance, there is a bridge leading to the
Cathedral Ward, the church district of the city.
A dingy path leads to the centre of Yharnam,
the town that the clinic lies just a little bit
on the edge of. You guys hear pistol fire in
the distance, shouting and screaming. of human
voices. The first sign that all is not lost and
though the city burns there are still hunters
out hunting. You are not the only ones left.
And there are civilians to rescue and keep safe.
And we're going to leave it there. Thank you
for listening and tune in next time. You can
find us on Blue Sky Instagram and Twitter at
A Pint of Pthulhu. We also have a brand new exclusive
to Patreon season running of The Painted Wastelands,
ran by Matt. If you liked what you heard today,
leave a comment. And yeah, bye!