Hello and welcome to Season 5 of Pint of Cthulhu,
run by me, Jay. This season we are doing a custom
Bloodborne QT RPG that I have spent the last
few months foolishly making. And we have a new
player, and we've lost an old one. Rich, how
about you introduce yourself? Hello everyone.
How are we all doing? Everyone alright? You good?
Everyone else here? So, along with our new boy
Rick, we have Matt, Took, Cap, Carmen. We'll
play. Hello. Hi. The usual gang. The usual gang.
The gang's all here. So, I'm going to start us
off. So, we start this season in the city of
Yharnam. It has been 20 years since the Beast
Plate began. The streets teem with monsters,
people cry out in fear, the scent of blood hangs
heavily in the air. The only thing standing between
the city and total annihilation and chaos are
the hunters. Luckily enough, though all of you
hail from different places, all five of you are
indeed hunters. It's the only truth you know
that a hunter must hunt. You are all lying on
your backs in a dark, dingy room, the only person
each of you see is an old man bent and bowed
with bandages covering his eyes. You cannot currently
move. So many transfusions today. You awake over
there? Oh, don't worry. Whatever happens, you
may think it all a mere bad dream. Your sight
starts to darken. As the man leans over you,
you blink, he is gone. You blink again, and a
skinless beast emerges from a pool of blood,
reaching a clawed hand out towards you before
chased off by a blaze of fire. And it is then
replaced by shrink and shrill ghouls crawling
their way towards your faces. You blink again,
everything goes black. You hear a faint voice
saying, Ah, I see you've found yourself some
hunters. Each of you now truly awaken. feeling
kind of shitty, to be honest, in metal cots filled
with mouldering blankets. If you remember much
of how you got here, you assume you got real
fucked up on your last hunt, as you all now can
move freely and may sit up and introduce your
characters. Just so we have an order to go in,
can everyone give me a quick... Let's go for
vitality check to see how well you're recovering
from your injuries. That is a roll of a d10,
plus whatever your vitality modifier would be.
Alright, vitality. It's plus two for me, so let's
go. D10 plus two. My first roll of the game is
a one. Fantastic. My character is not happy with
the situation. Right, if everyone could tell
me what you got. Ten. I got an eight. I got a
five. With your modifiers on? I had the zero
modifiers. Oh, so you all had... Yeah, okay,
yeah. Seven for Rick. Three for Cap. Good job,
Cap. Eight for Cartman. And Tick, what did you
get? Did you say it was with the vitality modifier?
Yes, indeed. Alright, so I got a three. Oh, tied
with... Tied with... Correct. All right. So,
Matt, start us off and introduce your character.
Well, hi there. I'm Mr. Hank. I'm up in a hundred
percent of time now, but I have no idea where
the hell I am. God dang it, this stinks like
shit in here. And if you could give us your class.
Oh, I'm a scholarly man. If I remember correctly,
that'd be right. Yeah. All right. Next up is
Rich. Oh, hello, dears. Granny Gertrude here.
I'm very old. A retired hunter, hoping to come
back into the job to find the sweet release of
death. You can just call me Granny, it's fine.
You ain't right. Over the years, Gertrude becomes
a sweet old granny. The first sweet old granny
Gertrude in history of this podcast. Wasn't Gertrude
a granny in our first one? Our first series?
Yeah, she wasn't a sweetheart though. No. Who
says Gertrude in this is a sweetheart? It's all
the rules. Yeah, exactly. Fuck these bitches
up, okay? Next up is Cartman. Yes, so I'm Sir
Vince Hamlock. Sorry, man. I've got a nasty cough
at the moment. So I'm getting there. Vince Hamlock.
Cut back to when I said... Cartman, that every
single episode, even when we've been doing this
for four years, you act like this is your very
first episode of a podcast ever. Hey, in one
reality, I'm sure that is. Wait, hold on. What
was Matt's character's name, the scholar? Oh,
just Mr. Hank. Oh, it was just Mr. Hank. Okay.
I thought that you were just making fun of your
own impression there. Okay. Better call him A,
better call him B. So, Cap, you're up. Alright,
so, I guess in the corner, lumbering to his feet
very slowly, he rises above everybody else in
the room. A giant of a cleric just slams a massive
warhammer onto the ground as he helps himself
up. I am Dominicus. And he leaves it at that.
You're a strong, muscular young man. Hmm. God
damn, you can work in that bar. And last but
not least, Tuk. My name is Brittany Johnson.
I am a lamb. That's my background. That's my
class. I'm here to fuck shit up and take names
because I'm a queen bitch slay. Alright, just
saying. I can already tell I'm going to love
this character. Yes, Granny, I could tell you
were a clean two. Totally, totally queen. I could
teach you a thing or two, young lady, trust me.
Oh, I'm sure you do. You look like you are a
real slut back in your day. Jesus. You don't
know the half of it. I've rode more dicks in
this town than anybody. That's a good start to
the series. My heart is, yes. Somehow you hear
a cockroach just scuttle by. Sorry, that was
me. They just fell out. My apologies. Excuse
me, bitches, I got places to go. God damn it,
you did. Marge, what the hell? We're in the wrong
show. So, you are in a dimly lit clinic. Shelves
line the walls, filled with dusty, empty flasks,
and some vials crusted with disturbingly tacky
red residue. Lamps flicker, and from the lack
of sunlight coming through the grinding windows,
you can tell it's the night of the hunt. You
also notice that you have your weapons, you have
your armor, but you're missing a lot of shit
you should have on you, such as any ammo for
your guns or crossbow. Your torch mat does not
need ammo, so you're feeling fine. If you guys
want to have a look around the room... Has anybody
seen a small little silver anywhere? Can I just
take in the... the visages of the other players
here and can you maybe just describe yourselves?
Like what do you look like? Glittering armor.
Oh, he's that. He is fabulous. Literally about
to say what Matt was saying. He's more like a
bit of an old haggard sort of chap with a grey
beard or ponytail hair wearing some Cainhurst
armor holding a cane. Glitter eyeshadow. Red
lipstick. Only on days in Y, baby. Yeah, what
class was Vince? He had a corset. Uh, bio -blood.
Which means nothing at all, don't worry. Vince
is a normal person. Can't you tell? I mean, my
heirs are upon me. Okay, he now looks over to
the scholar, Mr Hank, and... Oh, hi there, big
man. I'm a relatively average hard man. I've
got a bit of a comb over. Gone a bit bald in
my older years. Kind of a squarish face. Brownish
hair. Wearing one of them long jackets. Hold
myself a torch and a book. Yeah. Pair of glasses.
You know, how useful they are. It's hard to tell
because we are in the dark ages. Standard. Alright.
I'll look over to Granny Gertrude. Take her in
the glory. As you should. Granny Gertrude is
the most stereotypical looking grandmother you
can think of. She's wearing a flowery blouse,
like a little skirt. She's got a little crocheted
handbag that she made herself. Obviously grey
hair, big glasses on like a little chain that
goes around her neck. Just the most stereotypical
grandma you can think of. That is her. She's
only tiny as well. But if you try and lift her
handbag, it's like Thor's hammer. You cannot
lift it. What would a penny be in the world?
It's full of Werther's Originals, dear. Ah! Dominicus...
Dominicus does start to feel a little bit safer.
Starts to feel a little bit safer seeing Granny
Gertrude there with her handbag. And finally
he looks over and... surprise and um shock i
guess at the at britney what did you see so britney
is five foot two she's got short red hair she
did have a ball gown at one point but it obviously
wasn't real good for like you know, traversing
Yharnam. So it's cut off and like, I wouldn't
really say short skirt, like just a little bit
above the knee, you know, scantiless, just a
little bit, but not quite too slutty, just a
whittle, but she has long sleeves and nestled
in her sleeves. She has a little pistol, you
know, a little, we did say before, hello kitty
pistol, but we're not going to do that. Obviously
it's going to be a little bit of a pink. pink
pistol, a little compact pistol, and she carries
around a pink baseball bat because her favorite
color's pink. Her favorite color's blue. Yes.
Yeah. She fucking hates it. Hates all this pink
bullshit. What's blue so bad she can't see straight?
She comes out, she's goth, like, man, I hate
my depression. I wish I was all black. You wouldn't
understand, Mom. It's not a face. I've never
seen anyone more colorful or scantily clad in
my life. Somehow she has the first nail file.
She's filing her nails. She has the world's first
nail file at this point. She has glass embedded
into her parchment. Vince is going to just mutter
in his breath, Devil Child. Demon. Devil Child.
Seeing Brittany, I think the Americans have finally
gotten themselves to use fool. He's full height
after being underground for so long. He's a giant
of a cleric. What's at your full height after
saying Brittany? No. No. Is that your hammer
in your pocket or are you just happy to say me?
My goodness. He stands, sour -faced, not reacting
to this. Giant of a cleric. God damn, man. You
fall over, you'll be able to prop yourself back
up. My goodness, you're so tall. Oh, goodness.
Give enough main character energy if I've ever
seen it. My god, Gen Z fucking... God help us
all. So, you guys will note that you're missing
your bullets, if you had them, and blood vials,
which would be what you use to heal yourself.
You also all know that... The rest of you are
hunters. You can tell by the way they stand by
the fact they are armed and dangerous in the
city of Yharnam. You are all effectively a cross
between monster hunters and sort of the guard.
Your job is to fuck up anyone who is mutated
and monstrous and to keep the citizens of Yharnam
safe. Okay. Yes, I was going to ask, I'd like
to search around for some bullets. I swear I
have some bullets, but all of a sudden they've
gone missing. So I'm sure there might be some
around here somewhere. Okay, you and anyone else
looking to find stuff around the room, hit me
a perception check. So it seems 4d10 with your
modifier on. Sorry, perception? Oh, yeah, I'm
getting a 7. Oh, is it sorry, 4d10, did you say?
I got 6. When my skill is 7, I got negative 1,
so I got a 6. Nine. Cartman, bud, you're supposed
to be rolling a d10 and then using your modifier.
Oh, but my perception is seven. Yeah, bud, you're
rolling a d10 and then you're taking a minus
one on that. See the little... That boy ain't
right. That boy ain't right. In his defence,
this is his first time playing this game. We'll
see if by the end he's got more or less of a
good hold on anything. I've got a four. My modifier?
I found nothing. Well, I got a six. Does that
get me anything? Six for Kat. Did anyone get
higher than that? I got a nine. I got an eight.
I got a seven. Okay. Eight. Okay, you all got
pretty good. So, Matt, you said you got an eight,
right? Nine. That's the highest? Nine. So, are
you looking more for bullets or for healing or
for information? You see, I want to find me a
nice big canister of propane and propane accessories.
Okay. You know what? For a nine, which is pretty
fucking good, I will let you find one molotov
cocktail. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, my God. First episode
in. Didn't even have to craft it. Now, what we
have here, boys and girls, is a very flammable
object. You ought to be careful with this. Smash.
Luckily, we gave it to our scholar. If you take
care of that, it's a very important item, I'm
sure. But I need some bullets, so with my eight,
hopefully, or seven, I might get some bullets.
With your seven, I will give you three bullets
for your gun. Sweet. You'll find them just sort
of loose in the floorboards. You'll be able to
pick them out. It seems like someone's been pretty
careless with the supplies in here. What else
did everyone get? I've got four. Unfortunately,
you will not be finding much with that. Oh, no,
I did find a bullet. Look. Oh, sorry. That's
mine. I'll put that back in my handbag. My apologies.
That must be all it is. Drop your word with originals.
There's a couple of those scattered on the floor
here. Let me just pick those up. Don't mind me.
Hold on. Hold on, Gertrude. Can you let me see
that hair bag again? I want to see what you just
put back in there real fast. You don't want this.
So, Ken, you got a six. No, an eight. I got an
eight. Do you look for bullets, knowledge, or
blood vials to heal healing potions effectively?
I'm looking for knowledge. Searching for knowledge.
Where I could get my hands on what Gertrude put
back in her hand. I unfortunately cannot tell
you where to get a yield vibrator. You'll have
to tell Gertrude Lear on that one. If we get
out of here, I'll take you somewhere I know,
don't you worry. The scanty princess is open
at this time of night. Let's go down there. Ye
olde Victoria's secrets. I'm so old, I know the
secrets. You are Victoria herself. I am Victoria.
As in Queen. Right. That's Queen's sleigh, for
sure, Gertrude, for sure. Is that you are in
Esophagus Clinic, which you happen to know is
a... usual place for hunters to get dragged if
they pass out like little bitches on the hunt
and someone feels nice enough to save their asses.
It is in central Yharnam, which is pretty good.
You're supposed to be patrolling around that
area. You also know that the clinic, because
there's always blood smell, is typically really
surrounded by beasts and also more full than
this. Wait, there should have been someone looking
after you guys. There's like five of you. You're
all unconscious. There's no doctor here. And
that is not how things should be. I know I don't
need to be looked after, because first things
first, I'm a strong independent queen, but second,
we got a big boy cleric in here, and I feel real
safe with him in here with me. Speaking of which,
you... A cleric's a cleric. He's just a god,
man. He's god himself. He's just god. He's god.
He is god himself. I think you should apologize.
Nah, I'm not. He's just gone. If I ended up here
due to mercy, I want none of it. If it's trickery,
then let the deceiver come forth and answer.
Right, did I miss someone's roll? I think I missed
Cap's roll for what you were getting. Yeah, I
got a six. So you can prefer blood or bullets.
Oh, it's got to be bullets, surely. Right, yeah,
you'll find with a six, I think you'll find two
bullets crammed behind something else in the
shelves. Unfortunately for all of you, there
seems to be no valid blood here. There's no blood
vials that aren't all nasty and gilded up and
kind of suspicious looking. But you found some
ammo for yourselves. And I think also with Matt's
9, you will notice that there is a barricaded
door behind you. It seems pretty impassable,
and a pathway ahead of you that is clear enough
leading up a set of stairs. What? Seems there's
only one way to go, then. Up the stairs. You...
See, in our obscure staircase, light spills out
from the high windows. Pretty dim still, because
it is night time. Uh, can I get a perception
check again? Did we all go up the stairs? Uh,
if you're all going. If not, just from Cartman.
I made sure, like, in front of Cap's character,
like, I was walking up in front of him, and I,
like, trip and fall up the stairs. Oh! Oh! Gertrude
does the same. My very elderly knees can't cope
up with this. Allow me to assess fear meetings.
Gertrude in one hand and Brittany in the other.
It's like an angel and devil on his shoulders.
He's got one young clad in pink. Brittany casually
reaches her hand over to give Gertrude a high
five. Like, yeah, bitch. Yes, yes. So Dominicus
is carrying the two women up the stairs, isn't
he? It's just going to be us trying to seduce
him the whole time. It's going to be the whole
game. It's going to be a long campaign at this
point. I bloody hope so. But Gertrude wins in
the end. Like Brittany never had a chance during
the whole time. Experience trumps every time.
I am going to say that because you're engaging
in shenanigans with each other, you're too busy
staring into each other's eyes, respectively
the two of you into the cleric's eyes. Matt,
however, can give me a perception check also.
Give you what? Oh, that is a five? Okay. Thank
you. I've already got a really shit perception.
It doesn't help if you two are going to be in.
I can't see anything. I've got that tennis perception.
So I'm going to say, Cartman, you went maybe
a little bit ahead of the rest of the pack. I've
got my gun out. I mean, I've got that pointing
ahead of me and that was loaded. So you hear
a kind of ripping noise. Sounds kind of like
a wet ripping noise. Not the fart. That's my
blouse, sorry. Jesus. Gertrude, Gertrude, shit,
we're not that far yet. We haven't got him that...
We haven't chiseled him down that far yet. I'm
very old. I haven't got time. Take me! Take me
now! Ladies, please. The noise came from over
yonder. Yeah. The noise did in fact come from
over yonder, which Kirkman would know and the
rest of you might not yet. It's kind of a wet,
tearing noise and you smell something very metallic
coming ahead. and there's like sort of loud obnoxious
breathing sounding from the not just quite from
this room here but from the room ahead of it
which you would probably know is a larger uh
like healing room for general citizens you guys
were in kind of like the little private hunter
ward okay so there's a strange squelching sound
in the next above the stairs from me. So, yeah,
I'm just going to carry on. We'll figure this
out. Guns afoot. You have not heard anything,
but if Cartman chooses to tell you that there's
suspicious sounds, there's also a lack of the...
There's also a lack of the regular sounds of
the clinic. There's no, like, quarterlies bustling
about. There's no people moaning in pain or whatever.
It's quiet around here. Too quiet. laughing away
back there, ignoring the danger. Take care up
there, elderly gentleman. This is suspicious.
So which one are you calling the oldest gentleman?
He was the only one that described himself as
being grey -haired. What are you? Do you actually
look young or old? Eh. Yeah. I mean, how old
does that image look? Forties? Forty -five? Yeah.
Oh, interesting. To be fair, the cleric looks
a lot older than you. Aged. Maybe Gertrude does
have a chance. Oh, like fine wine, darling. Like
fine wine. Right. Are you guys heading into the
next room? Yep. Well, have I been down the stairs
yet with these two and me? Yeah, I think you're
strong enough that you can jewel wield fellow
hunters. Jewel wield women. swing me like a bat
swing me like a bat could you swing in fact um
britney while she holds the bat out yeah like
i'm holding it out like you're just extending
it like yes swing me yeah Don't look until you've
tried it, yeah. Okay, so I'm going to carry on
up these stairs. No kink -shaming here, all right?
Just saying. You guys, by the way, do have all
control of your own tokens, so if you are moving
somewhere, just move the token and I can see
that you're going the place you're going. Oh,
follow me up there, boy. The growling sounds
get louder, but they don't seem to... Whoever
is in there doesn't seem to have heard or noticed
yet. Okay. I'd like to throw something ahead
of me. can i like it like there's like a corridor
above us it's like a landing something like that
yep um can i like throw like i don't know a plant
pot or something up there to make a noise a distraction
somewhere i'm gonna try to lure this thing out
you'll find like there's a couple of vials and
i don't know some books and stuff around that
should make a lot of noise if you hook them up
the stairs I'd like to just throw a book off
the landing, or a couple of books. I want to
make a sound to try and lure this thing out.
So that's what I want to do. Now what if I throw
up there a Molotov cocktail? That'll clear out
anything. Confirm your target before acting violently.
Yes. Right, so with that ten on perception from
the thing up the stairs, it will be drawn to
the noise. And it's going to come in pretty guns
blazing, seeing as it will also have heard the
lot of you. And charging... Target confirmed.
Target confirmed. Oh god dang, it's a major dog.
Rapidly closing in on you is a about nine foot
tall on all fours wolf -like creature with unfortunately
human -looking hands. It is racing, rapidly barrelling
down the way. I'm going to shoot it in my gun
quickly. A werewolf with human -looking hands?
So, essentially, this thing has wolf head? Wolf
body, fur and stuff. That makes it less intimidating.
Yeah, it's still the... Have you ever seen an
eye where they have the creepy naked hands that
don't quite look like they belong on an animal?
That. Those fucked up things. Those are really
long, thin fingers. Yeah, they're really unfortunate
looking hands. Oh dang, it's a furry. It's okay,
it just needs a firm hand is all. Come on now,
sit! I've got one of those, for sure. Yep, unfortunately
because it was so aware of what was going on,
you guys aren't going to get a surprise round
or stealth on this thing. Can I get perception
rolls, which will be effectively your initiative?
Ah well, if I knew that, shit. Got a 6, a 5,
11. Hang on, can I ask something? Because I did
lure him out with the book, and I did say I had
my gun out ready and waiting, could I get a quick
action shot in? Like, you know... If he hadn't
got a max roll on his perception, yes. Okay,
fair enough. But he fucking, like, he came running
because he heard the sound, but he knew there
were people there. Yeah, that's fair enough.
If he got the max roll, then fair enough. Alright,
so a five for Rich. I've got a zero, so I'm just
going to stand with my arm and protect the women.
Excellent. And a six. Threw me! Can't remember,
what did you get for your initiative? I got a
six. Seven takes away one. Oh, and Wolfboy needs
to hit a perception as well. Okay, there we go.
So, that'll be Mr Hank going first. So, interesting
thing about this game system, you don't have
to roll to attack. Basically, every attack in
this game, both from yourself and enemies, will
auto -hit. The only thing that matters is whether
they choose to dodge it and have the stamina
to do so. And also their DR. Or MR if you're
using magic attacks. For most of you, I think
all of you except for Cartman, the thing you
are adding onto your damage is your strength
modifier. For Cartman I believe it is skill.
And then for your ranged weapons it will be your
blood tinge modifier that adds onto the damage
you roll. If you want to dodge an attack you
must spend stamina to do so. You will have your
amount of stamina on your sheet. Yep. You can
choose to straight up fucking book it and run
for about 20 stamina for 10 feet. You can try
and roll under or jump over an attack if you
know which one it's going to do for 10 stamina,
and you can dash through and towards attacks
for 30 stamina. If you want to do something,
just ask and they'll tell you on your turn how
much it costs. You can move once per turn, either
on your turn or on the enemy's turn. and you
can attack once per turn on your turn. Pretty
simple, regular stuff. Right, so, Matt, what
are you going to hit this bastard with? Well,
you see, I'm a man of fire myself. I prefer the
flame. I'm going to chuck me a damn Molotov at
this thing. It's the way we've got to go. We're
going to be trapped. Hey, who cares? It's Molotov.
It's cool, it's fun, and it's thematic. And also
very, very, very dangerous. Oh hell yeah! We'll
figure it out. Don't worry about it. It's what
we live for. So, you're Molotov. I'm going to
want a strength roll to see how far you can yak
this thing. A strength roll? Yeah, because this
is technically not a weapon, this is something
you are throwing. If this lands too far in front.
So that includes the modifier, yes? Yep. D10
and modifier. You know, Richard, that has happened
in this game before. So I'm going to say you
guys get the Molotov to about here with a four.
It's not the worst role in the world. I am going
to need Cartman to... So those are stairs and
we're at the bottom of the stairs. So those bounce
and then roll down the stairs towards us, Jay.
Because where you just put was at the top of
the stairs, but still... on the stairs. Yep,
it's a four, bud. Oh, god damn it. It is pretty
much just going to smash immediately. I'm not
going to make you go to the old bounce mechanics
in your molotovs. Or rollerblades. Wonderful.
So, while that will hit the wolf, who I don't
think is smart enough to know to dodge a glass
bottle, it is... I'm going to need Cartman to
decide if he's going to spend stamina to not
get set on fire, considering he's also standing
on the stairs. I'm on the bottom of the stairs.
And this is... Fly over me. It's like 5d10. Yeah,
but it's going to explode, essentially. Am I
going to... It's going to be 5d10 damage. I'm
going to have to spend the stamina on that one
because I don't want to get hit. It's just an
easy... I see you can roll back and just spend
10 stamina and get out of the way of it. It's
going to be 5d10. Which I'll let Matt roll. 5d10?
Yeah, and... Yep. And because every elemental
thing acts as magic here, you'll be adding on
your arcana to whatever the number is. 29 plus
the one arcana, 30. 30 damage. So I'm just going
to hit that. And he is set on fire for, can you
roll me a d4? You want a d4? Yep. For how many
rounds is this bastard going to be burning? Three.
Three rounds of fire. Burn, puppet, burn. Nice.
And next up on the turn order is, unfortunately,
Wolf Boy. Who can do some damage. Yeah, he's
running down the stairs on fire. Determined to
get sweet, sweet vengeance, I think, on Matt
for setting him on fire. He's coming after Hank.
And he is going to attempt to lunge at you. So
unless you're dodging... He's going to hit you
with a little bit of a freight train and smack
you for 18 damage and knock your ass over. How
much would it take to dodge? You're kind of fucked
a little bit because you're standing at the front
of a packed grip in a hallway and you can't really
go back away from him. So you'd have to dash
forward for 30 stamina to get away from this.
Yeah, Domenicus has actually taken up the entire...
Except for Gertrude and Brittany. Because he's
got Gertrude and Brittany on his shoulders. So
if you want to avoid this 18 damage you're going
to have to spend 30 stamina and dodge essentially
through him to be on the other side. I'll do
that. Backflip over him. Yeah, you're going to
have to be about here. Yeah, just straight run
through the attack. It pounces over you, you
go under and you get... I don't want to be that
guy. But is that area not on fire? I'm going
to see if the dash cancels in running through
the flames too. My student robe thing has plus
one fire, does that also affect the damage I've
given him? No, that means if you get smacked
with fire you take slightly less. Which would
have been relevant if you had got smacked by
him, to be honest, because he is a flame. Don't
worry, these robes are made of asbestos. Jesus
Christ. Whole new problem. Next up is Cap. Oh,
actually, hang on. Yeah, I'll just leave it behind.
Well, it looks like me, Tooken, and... Yeah,
you all rolled the exact same result. So, I think
that a good idea here would be, as the wolf lunges
at Hank, and Hank does his, I don't know, his
backflip over it, onto the fiery stairs, I think
that I would happily just react by... By hammering
it in the face as Hank jumps out of the way.
Like a surprise attack. Sure thing. Hit me with
the damage here. So, he raises his hammer. He
swings it into this wolf. And it's 10d10. So,
10d10 damage is... Actually, on the advanced
roller, it doesn't do as high as 10. Okay. You
might have to do just like 5 and 5 or something.
10d10, roll. So he smacks this wolf hard for
48 damage. There's a 1 in 4 chance that it'll
stagger. How do you do that? Just roll a d4?
Yep, d4. If you hit me with a 4, it'll stagger.
Ah, no. It didn't stagger it, but it did do 48
damage just straight off. So he just growls at
me and goes, Penance! and smacks it in the face.
You get a quick yip and it winds out of the wolf.
He does seem a bit fucked up by this, but not
too bad. Fire is too kind for you. Up next would
be... Brittany? Yes, I'm good. Well, I do have
a baseball bat, you stuck -up shiny bitch. I'm
gonna hit it with my fucking baseball bat. You
know, this thing isn't just for show. I did say
I was a strong independent woman, and I'm gonna
fucking show it. And so I literally smack it
across the face with my baseball bat. You go,
girl. Hit me with your damage. Should be 90 -10.
Oh, Cap, what's your strength modifier? My strength
modifier? Oh, there's a plus one. Ah, so he takes
one more damage. Oh, excellent. So, 49 damage.
It's small tickets for now, but when you guys
get higher levels, that'll matter a bit more.
Holy shit! It's a lot of damage! Jesus. 24 of
stun. That's one stun. The old gods have strange
humour. Smitten not by flame nor steel, but by
a child's toy. Yep. Bitch, this may be pink,
but it'll fuck you up regardless. Impressive,
young one. Yep, so the werewolf is not going
to be able to move a fucking muscle. So you guys
are going to wail on it for a bit longer. Cartman,
you are up next. So we don't roll to hit, we
just hit? Yeah, and... The downside of that is
that unless you spend stamina, enemies will just
hit you as well. Yeah, that goes both ways then.
Yeah. I mean, this thing must be at least halfway
dead. I mean, can you guys see the health bar
it has? Yeah. Yeah, I see it. It's a little over
half, it looks like. Yep. I don't like to see
health bars in this game. I'm going to use my
cane, my dreaded cane. Close attack, because
he's right next to us. 10d6. Yep. What stun means
for this game is that he cannot move on his turn,
so he can't dodge anything you guys are doing
to him. He can still attack on his next turn
though. 36. Your modifier? Oh, my modifier is
my skill, right? Yep, because you have a different...
3! That's 3. Nice. So that's... 39. Yep, 39,
sorry. Nice. And then, before we go back to the
turn order, turn order, we have Gertrude. Come
here, then, you little bitch. I'm going to smack
him with my crochet handbag. Come on, you little
fucking... Spin it round. This wolf is having
the most confusing day. A baseball bat, a hammer,
a Molotov cocktail, a fucking handbag. It should
not have come in there. It really shouldn't.
I'm just going to spin it around really quick
and uppercut it in the face with this crocheted
handbag. That is 12d8. 55 damage. And it can't
dodge because it is still stunned. It just has
to eat all of that shit. Eat handbag. That is
55 damage. And... Now it is back to Hank, who
is now on the opposite side of this poor, beleaguered,
confused -looking wolf. Stab him in the back.
Who is still getting burnt to shit, by the way.
Well, I'm going to stand on top of this stairs
stairs. I've got a poker with my damn stick here.
Go for it. Take this. Oh, there's not even a
10d10 option. Yeah, Rich, go on into that. Take
this up the ass, wolfy boy. Oh, 53. Trust me,
the tip is the hardest part. And your modifier?
Oh, the modifier, which is... Strength. Okay,
so 52. Take this up, yeah, it's your bad boy.
It's a bad dog. Seems like Garcher didn't have
the hard part with the tip. Yeah. Unfortunate,
truly. Yeah, so the wolf is now looking very
beat to shit, whimpering and kind of cowering,
turning its head from the flame to the rest of
you, to Hank again. It can't really escape, and
it can't run or dodge or move. I'm just going
to batter this thing. Better dog! Better dog!
And because it can't move, it is now its turn,
and it's going to lash out at the closest person,
which is Cartman. It's going to try and chew
up Vince. Quite a bit. And it is going to take
a couple of swipes at you. Which will be, unless
you choose to dodge it, 34 damage. Minus your
DR. Yes, I'm definitely going to dodge it because
that's a lot of health loss for me. your only
option again because you are backed into the
cleric wall so it's a 30 stamina cost okay so
i'd like to ask this question for the sake of
the game how do you regain stamina and how does
stamina work a little bit more so stamina is
regained either when you spend a turn not doing
any movement at all or at the end of a round
so matt technically should have gotten five stamina
back But I'm not expecting you to take long enough
to kill this wolf for it to matter. Because you'll
get it back when the fight ends anyway. I'll
get it back when the fight ends anyway, brilliant.
I'll definitely take dodge. Poor wolf is getting
fucked up. So can you get stamina potions in
the game? You can get elixirs later on that will
effectively make everything cost less stamina.
But they don't magically give you back. The wolf
is on its turn now, and it is still on fire,
so it is going to take... I'm sorry, I should
have said I did take the dodge and I moved my
character. Knock down your stamina by 30. Yes,
on that, 53. Is it 30 every time? It is not going
to be 30 every time. Probably good for this thing
that it is not going to be. Instead, it is going
to be half damage, so 15 damage off this thing.
It is now looking very poorly indeed. 64. And
it is Cap's turn again. Yeah, so as Vince jumps
his way up the stairs, a shadow starts to loom
over the werewolf as Domenicus holds his hammer
up above his head and drives it down on top of
the wolf again. The wolf could not look more
different from the fiery beast that charged you
at the start of his curvy tail between his legs,
face half smashed in. Stick up its arse. Stick
up his arse. Slightly charred. Plus modifier?
I do 44 damage to it and stagger it. And it is
fucking stunned. It still can't run! You mash
your hammer into the side of this thing and it
snaps both its front legs keeling over into an
awkward bowing position before the cleric. The
old gods deny you a worthy kill. Poor boy. I
think it's time for Brittany to mercy kill this
thing. 20 health. Yep. You damn stray. I will
fuck it up. Now, Ashley raises the bat above
her head. This is the start of my hot girl era.
And just like fucking smashes it across his face.
Hit me with the damage for that. Are you sure?
Are you absolutely sure there's not a chance?
There's a chance he will survive because it is
a 90 -10. That's 59 damage. Yep. Fucked up and
dead. Just constantly smash, smash, smash. Like
covered in blood. She's got blood all over and
she's got... Oh, it tastes delicious. You guys
see the cleric rear up and give a mighty blow
to this thing, breaking its legs. And then you
see Brittany, 5 '2", with a baseball bat instead
of a hammer. She has to, like, look up and try
to swing a pinata, like, yeah! And it just splats
the wolf entirely into the wall, knocks it off
its remaining two feet, and finally puts it out
of its flaming, charred misery. And she, like,
walks behind the cleric, she smacks his ass,
like, good game! Dominicus smiles at Brittany
and says, strange providence. Either the old
gods delight in mockery or they've given you
teeth behind your fleece. Now, did he smile as
she smacked it, the wolf, or when she smacked
his ass as he walked by? That's the question.
It has to be answered. Like, when did the smile
happen? It was on kill. Oh, yeah. It's not as
fun. That's fine. So while there is the new problem
of a charred wolf corpse somewhat blocking the
hallway, you'll be able to clamber over it and
the fire's kind of died down as the alcohol kind
of burns up. So you won't get charred yourself.
You guys are now out of combat. Cartman, Matt,
you will regain your lost stamina. Yes. And you
are free to move further into the clinic and
also to perhaps examine the corpse of this thing
if you want to. I was going to say, hold up there,
Neil. Yeah, let's walk to the landing and let's
gather. Okay, you can walk past. I'm going to
take me some cuts of meat off of this here wolfy
ball. You never know, it could come in handy.
I bet it tastes really good on a charcoal grill.
As you're discussing that, Dominicus slams his
hammer and says a small prayer over the beast.
Someone hit me a religion check and someone hit
me a perception. I can do a perception. Free
choice of whoever. Not you, Cartman, you've fucked
off the landing. I'll do perception. Oh, I can
do religion, for sure. I'm going to do religion
is minus three. I've missed all the gods, they're
dicks. Estella, d10 for the check? Yep, so d10
plus your religion modifier. Well, I've got 14
in religion, so my modifier's 3, plus 3, so that's
just d10 plus 3. Yep. Uh, Matt, you've plus 3.
Oh, jeez, that's really good. I rolled a 12,
yeah. So, I'll handle Matt's check first, because
that's the easier one. You find three blood vials.
Oh, hell yeah. effectively just matted into this
thing's fur. It seems to be rolling around fucking
shit in the clinic and just got entangled in
it. And you've blessed the wolf like crazy. Like,
without a 12 in religion, like, there's a light
that, like, the roof parts in, like, a beam of
light just, like, encircles the wolf. We all
become religious at this point. We all convert.
You're giving him a sainthood somehow. No, so
the blood vials would peel 1d10. health and they
can be taken in combat or out. On the top of
your sheet actually, this will be relevant for
you because you had them all a minute ago and
you have this now, you'll see the equipped items
bit. That is what items you effectively have
available to you immediately. You don't have
it in a bag or in a back pocket, you have it
where you can reach it. They'll be the items
you can use in combat. For now no one has more
than two items so you don't need to worry but
Might be worth noting down if you've got bullets
equipped or a molotov equipped or blood vials
equipped. Definitely got a bullet equipped, I'll
tell you about that. Do I have the blood vials
equipped? You can equip those, sure. Unacquainted
stuff would just be in your inventory. And for
the religion check... Oh, sorry, go on, Cartman.
I just wanted to ask, for the equipped item,
is it only your bullets and health potions? Billets,
health potions, molotovs, you mentioned the stamina
elixirs earlier, those would go there. Anything
essentially that's a usable item immediately,
and then ammo for stuff, is unequipped if you
want to use it in a fight. Otherwise, stash your
stuff in your inventory. I'm trusting you guys
to keep note over what you have ammo -wise and
health potion -wise and such. So, don't say you
have 32 health potions. You're full of shit,
you know? Oh, I've still got that never -ending
bullet. Never -ending bullet. For the religion
check, which was a 12, you both know that eating
beast meat is probably not in your best interest,
and that this creature, which was once human,
is wearing fucked -up -looking cleric robes.
You also know that the church often helps out
in healing places. This was once one of the people
that might have been tending to you. So what
you're saying is don't eat it. Don't eat it.
That was once a person. That's people meat. It's
soylent green, if you will. It doesn't make any
difference to me. I was a cannibal before! Yeah,
Dominicus says he mumbles his small prayer and
then he says a cleric's robes this beast. This
was no beast alone. It was faith. It was one
who treated the old gods for false communion.
And with that, you guys will be able to have
access to the rest of the clinic. Do not eat
its meat. It will be poison. Now, what if I cook
it over a 12 -hour prairie to the smoker? Ah,
with a little bit of a good... A barbecue rub
on it? Possibly some salt and pepper? Guys, the
beast is... Propane is no magic, Alexa. It will
surely ail you to eat that putrid meat. Maybe
we can find some food in the rooms ahead of us.
Shut up, drag queen. Anyway, back to the clip.
You cannot cook away the curse. I don't know.
Might not have bought a... Might not have bought
a... Nobody can understand your impression. He's
having a stroke! Quick! Gertrude, give him a
Worthy's Original! Quick, I'm the devil of anything.
Just slowly. Boom, coming out of the mouth. Clear!
Clear! Clear! We've got an old man, an old woman,
an anime girl, and retarded Hank Hill. Don't
forget Barbie. Sorry, Barbie was the anime girl.
Oh yeah, no, wait. I wasn't counting myself.
Ah, baka baka! As you guys step into the main
clinic area, you will see several beds that once
held people that now hold corpses. Their ravaged
remains... Slowly drip blood onto the floor,
and there is the stench of rot on a few of the
older, less intact carcasses. It seems like whatever
person the wolf was has resorted to exactly what
you guys were thinking of doing. Straight up
cannibalism. They have torn through and eaten
most of the people here. And there's not a living
soul to be seen. You also see no sign of the
man that gave you the transfusion. None of the
corpses look like they could be his. Are any
of them transformed? A few of them have partial
transformation. So as hunters in Yharnam, you
guys will know that the Beast Plague is something
that everyone fears and everyone suffers to some
extent. First thing I want to do is separate
the actual people away in order to give them
some sort of last rites. So you will see that
there are a few really mangled corpses that don't
show any signs of beasthood at all. And then
there are a few people with tusks of hair, and
what little remains of their faces you can see
is warped, and there's too many teeth. They seem
to have been restrained at some point to their
cots, but they are now just ravaged completely.
Now, can I say, I mean, I know we're probably
travelers from faraway land, but does any of
us recognize them? Like, anybody? You know, you
are a lamb, so you won't really have associated
with anyone from Yharnam, but the rest of you
guys are from at least this nation, if not the
direct area. And all of you have been around
Yharnam for a little bit. I don't think you or
Cartman would know anyone. The rest of you, give
me a... Give me a perception roll. Oh, that's
an 11. Nice. Oh, my God. Damn, two eight rolls
is a nine. Yeah, so 11 and 12. Two would be...
Oh, my God, it's Jim. Cap as well. My old flame.
We used to ride that dick for hours, let me tell
you. We could ride that thing for miles. It's
just a two for me. I'd recommend that disembodied
penis anyway. Jesus Christ. So, uh... If you
have a jar of pickles here, you can preserve
it if you want. You will recognize that one of
these... It's like we're a species preserved
penis. Don't look that up. Oh, you know, I'm
gonna. You'll recognize that one of these...
One of the transformed dudes, the kind of fucked
up, weird -haired, beast -looking ones, is Henrik,
who was a member of the old Retired Hunters Bingo
Club. You haven't seen him in a couple weeks!
But he's definitely not coming back. Hey, at
least you kicked his ass. Still shit at bingo,
you bet. Useless bastard. And Hank will recognise,
unfortunately, a once faithful customer of local
butchers who used to have some kind of quarrel.
Thomas, his name was, and he's not transformed,
but he is very dead. God dang it, now where am
I supposed to go? Get my cuts on me prone. All
you'll both know is that the Beast Plague kind
of gets you slow, drives you a little bit insane,
a little bit more aggressive, then hair and fangs
sprout, then you get more features. Neither of
these guys had any of that. Like, Thomas and
Henrik were completely normal human people last
time you saw them, and it usually takes a couple
weeks for it to get this bad. But Hedricks definitely
have transformed. They're definitely both dead.
This is not the result of a hunt. This is butchery
in the name of false rights. Yeah. With that,
I think you guys can step out of the clinic and
into the adjacent graveyard of practical means
in Yharnam. Not many people survive their treatment.
You were bathed in the orange, smoky light of
the city burning. Gothic -style buildings tower
high into the sky, the cobblestones are splattered
with the remains of men and beasts, and a bell
tolls somewhere in the distance. Yharnam, it
seems, at some point between you all losing consciousness
and waking up here, has been set ablaze. And
we'll end the first episode there, because we're
just over an hour in. You can find us on BlueSky,
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also have a brand new exclusive to Patreon season
running of The Painted Wastelands, ran by Matt.
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And yeah, bye!