Hello. Guess who's back. Back again. It's us.
I'm Clarissa. And I'm Kourtney. Yep. Spoiler
alert. She's Kourtney . I'm Clarissa. And this
is 30 Dirty and Dying. And I'm... personifying
the show today are you dying i mean i'm fine
i'm just i was up kind of late my sleep schedule
this week's been really fucking weird had a migraine
so i like stayed in bed all day the other day
and they kind of like put me all out of whack
so you're like you couldn't go to bed because
you slept all day yeah it was like a whole thing
yeah so i'm like kind of sleep deprived kind
of not it it's a whole thing over sleep no sleep
yeah yeah it's pretty much my album cover so
i'm gonna call my mixtape i love that thanks
it's gonna go platinum I don't know what I would
call my next tape. Crone's Knee. What? Crone's
Knee. Like Courtney, but Crone's. Sure. Dead
Mom's Club. Love it. Well, welcome to the 30
Dirty and Dying Club. We're your hosts, and today
we're gonna embrace millennial chaos life and
everything that it's done to us. And you worked
really hard on this. I did. So we're gonna play
a game. And I know what you guys are thinking.
Okay, fucking truth no dare. Ha ha. No, no, no.
So this is inspired by the Game of Life. Remember
the board game with the wheel and the cars and
the, yeah. Yeah. So they have a card game version.
So this is more inspired by that gameplay. Okay.
But the vibe is just Game of Life. And I made
us cards. And we're going to play the Game of
Life, Millennial Chaos style. I'm excited. This
is millennial -vide in just a few minutes, but
what do we have to do first, Courtney? First,
we have to go back in time. Hell yeah! Back in
time. Alright! Back in time. Alright! Where are
we at? 2017! 2017. Um, so I don't know if this
is why we did this. But in my mind, when we picked
2017, I was like, that works because that's the
year that I graduated college. So I was like,
okay, started my millennial game of life, you
know, starting block. Right. There I was. I picked
2017 because, so the game of life itself. Yeah.
The actual board game added squares for acquiring
pets in 2017. Oh shit. I didn't know that. I
haven't played that game in like. They've been
continuously updating it, adding things to it
throughout the years. That's really cool. I haven't
played it in forever. I had it. I don't know
what happened to the actual board game I had,
but I remember that I stopped wanting to play
it because I would play with my dad and he would
cheat. I mean... He cheated at everything. The
game of life, but also the real game of life.
Yeah. My dad disappointed me. Three points. Um,
but yeah, I remember I got all mad and I like
didn't want to play it anymore after that. And
I don't know what happened to the game. I'm sure
like yard sale or something, but so that's fun
acquiring pets. Yeah. But I also, you know, metaphorically
or actually. Started my game of life because
I got engaged to Mike in 2017. Fun. I love that.
I always forget when you guys got engaged. I
remember you got married in 18, right? Yep. So
you got engaged in 17. We went on our first cruise
in 17. So it started it all. It started it all.
Yeah. So you're 17. I graduated college. I got,
you know, like my, well, I'd had my first full
-time like industry job, but I advanced. I got
to like really have my big girl job. I met Justin,
you know, so it was like same deal. Yeah, same
deal. But did you have, what all did you have
going on that you wanted to talk about for 2017?
Well, I posted a couple funny things. Okay, hit
me, I'm open. I posted, poop jokes aren't my
favorite kind of jokes, but they're a solid number
two. Of course you did. Of course you did. Something
else that was like big in 2017, at least for
me, LuLaRoe. What's that? It's an MLM. Oh, it's
a pyramid scheme. It's a pyramid scheme. Got
it. Okay. What do they sell? The leggings. Oh.
Isn't there one called Lemon? Lululemon. That's
not a pyramid scheme. These are different people
that make leggings. Yes. And they're both named
Lula or Lulu. Lululemon is like sports or like,
not sports, but like when you're working out,
like gym attire, like athletic active wear. Thank
you. You're welcome. Lularoe. was like, it started
with leggings. Like they're buttery soft was
what, I mean, they were actually very soft. I
still have, I still have the leggings. Okay.
Um, they came out with other clothes like dresses
and like shirts and like, it was like whole out.
They still, it's still a thing. Ah. Um, but I
posted about 80 % of my Facebook feed is LuLaRoe.
I do not have a problem. I did. I did have a
problem. You were in a pyramid scheme. I didn't
sell it. You were a victim. I was a victim. I
bought it. I buy it. I buy it. Well, I also,
so, like, one of the LuLaRoe people that, like,
I bought from, I offered to, like, help her.
That's how they get you. And then she, like,
so, like, whatever hours that I worked, like,
helping her, like, do whatever. Yeah. I would
get clothes. I didn't get paid. But I got close,
and I was like, I'm down. They paid you a merch.
They paid me a merch, and I was about it. I have
a ton of leggings. I have a couple dresses that
I really like. Look at you, you little roadie.
I know, right? I love to see it. I run. I ran
two 5Ks in 2017. Wow, look at you, bitch. One
was in 56 minutes, which I was a little upset
about. And then the second one was 48 minutes.
I was a little upset about. I was because like
you could you could like walk a 5k in like an
hour. Somebody could, not me. I was a little
disappointed. But then I ran my third 5k for
in 48 minutes. I was listening to a podcast the
other day and they talk about how this guy went
missing during this like triathlon or something.
And he was just never seen again. And I was thinking
to myself. Fucking me. Not because of, like,
ooh, the spooks, but, like, I'd be 53 days behind
everyone else. I'm not lost. I'll get to the
finish line. It'll just be a fucking while. You
know, you might want to leave and come back.
And bring a pizza. Duh. Yeah. I also found out
that Cheeto had kitty acne. Aww. His little cat
knee. It's not as bad now. That's good. Yeah,
like, sometimes I'll see it, like, it'll be in
his chin. Yeah, that's where they usually get
it, right? Yeah, so, like, I'll, like, clean
his, like, chin off and stuff like that. Yeah.
But it hasn't been as bad as it used to be. Yeah,
sometimes, like, Maisie gets it, but it's hard
to tell because she has black fur. So it's, like,
you can't really, but every so often I'll just
wipe her chin. Well, he's white. Yeah. So you
can definitely see it. Yeah. I thought of him
when, like, a year -ish ago, Vlad had this really
weird, like, abscess on his chin that just popped
up out of nowhere. And I thought it might be...
Kitty acne, and I was talking about Cheeto because
you told me about this. It wasn't. It was just
like a dermatitis that he scratched at and got
it infected. But, yep, it reminded me. I remembered
Cheeto's wise chin words. Yep. I got my fourth
tattoo. Ooh, which one was that? It was, oh,
shoot. Is that what it says? I just got my fourth
tattoo. I wrote it. I didn't, like, I forget
which one it was. I think it was my arm. You've
got a couple on your arm. What are you talking
about? I only have one on my arm. Don't you have...
This one. Oh, I think it's more than one tattoo
because it's kind of big. Oh, yeah. No, it's
one. Okay. All of this stuff is different. Okay.
But like this... Actual shoulder? Actual one.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the shoulder one is my
fourth one. Okay. But now I have 21. 21? 21.
I love that. Um, it, the movie came out. I'm
sure you were excited for that. I was. And then
psych, the movie came out. I bet you were real
fucking excited for that. Real fucking. I posted
about it multiple times. I'm sure you did. I'm
sure I saw it so many times. I'm just like, don't
bother me. I'm going to be watching this movie.
And that was like months beforehand. And I was
like, it's coming out tonight. Leave me alone.
I bet I saw that and was like, where are we friends?
Nobody's fucking bothering you, dude. Could you
imagine if every time I went into a cave, I was
like, don't bother me. No one's doing that. No
one's bothering me, bitch. Well, I went through
my Instagram for 2017. So this was in 2016. I
had ended a live -in relationship. So toward
the end of 16 and into 17, I had my own apartment
for the first time in a couple of years. And
it was this, like, tiny little shoebox of an
apartment. And the bathroom was all pink from,
like, the 70s. I love that. And I had to sign
this waiver that says, like, hey, please don't
chew on the walls because lead paint. Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it was, I think it's my
favorite place that I've ever lived, like, by
myself. Because it was yours. Yeah. It was mine.
It was just me and Maisie, my cat. It was just
us. It was, like, our little girl pad. And I
just loved it. It was my favorite place I've
ever lived by myself. I think this is an unpopular
opinion, but I love the old colorful bathrooms.
Yeah. Like the tub, the sink, and the toilet
are all like pink or green or blue. I love that.
Yeah. The bath and the toilet were white, but
all the tile was pink. From, like, the ceiling
to the floor. And then the floor tile was a different
tile, but it was pink. I think the reason I like
that, the house that I grew up in, well, grew
up for five years until my parents got divorced.
It was basically your childhood home. Blue. Really?
See, my dad's parents, they had one of their
bathrooms, and the one that we, like, used more
often than not was, it was blue. And then his,
actually, wait. I think they had some blue in
that bathroom, but then his sister, her house
also had like a blue bathroom. Maybe that's what
I'm thinking of, but I feel like his mom's house
also had some blue in one of the bathrooms too.
And I really liked the blue, although I was pretty
convinced that my aunt's house was horrifically
haunted. And I mean, it was, but. I got really
into makeup. I love that for you. 2016, 2017,
YouTube beauty influencers. I was all up on that
train. But I do have some pictures of my apartment.
I sent my mom this. She sent me something. I
was telling her something about what was happening
in my apartment, like something about maintenance.
And she was like, well, that's ridiculous on
their part. And I literally said, I know, but
it could be worse. I could be dead or something.
So my, I have dark humor and I don't give a fuck
who knows it, really came out hard. Tay Zonday,
the Chocolate Rain guy, followed me on Twitter.
Oh my God. And I posted about it on Instagram.
Chocolate Rain? Yep. This was before the podcast,
before I wrote a book. I was nobody. He just
followed me on Twitter. I love that. Yeah. So
Tay Zonday, way to go. This is a stupid picture,
but I feel like I need to. So I became a vegetarian
in 2016. Well, first I was a vegan. That did
not last. And then I became a vegetarian. So
I started experimenting with tofu, right? So
to eat tofu and to make it, you kind of need
to get all the water out of it. Right. Most people
have a tofu press. I was a broke college kid.
I didn't have a fucking tofu press. Still don't.
So I made one out of plates, the Bible, Edgar
Allan Poe's Complete Works, and a Stephen King
book. I mean, honestly, those are all very heavy
books. They are. They're the biggest books I
own. Physically and also... Mentally. Yeah. They're
all very heavy. I used the biggest books I had.
Did it turn out good? It was okay. I think I
have a picture of the... I've had tofu a couple
times and I don't hate it. Ooh, fake salmon.
That's what it looks like. No, it's just tofu
with like a sweet and sour sauce. So I had that.
I graduated college, like I said. They threw
me a little party at my job. Cute. I had little
cupcakes. And I left that job and got like another
job. So I moved back to our neck of the woods
the first time. And they threw me a going away
party. But I asked for not a cake. So they bought
me a sandwich and put candles in it. Shout out
Sheetz. Not sponsored, but it could be. I love
Sheetz. Yep. The mac and cheese bites. Well,
I do like I really want Sheetz now. We'll get
it later. Okay. If that's what you want. But
yeah, so then I moved to my other apartment.
I was dating Justin and he came to visit me.
We were doing the long distance thing. So I have
a lot of pictures of us and our little travels.
Cute. It was a good year for me. Honestly, 2017
was a pretty good year. I'm not going to lie.
2017 was a good year for me too. I was in my
skinny queen era. Love that. I know. Love that.
I wasn't. It didn't matter. I finally got to
the point where I was like, I really don't care
about my weight. I'm just happy. And if I'm healthy,
I'm happy. I need to be like that. I need to
do that. That's kind of where I've gotten. I'm
not going to say I never have bad days. And I'm
like, oh, I hate myself. I am lard. But everybody
has those days. You know? Everybody makes mistakes.
Yeah. Everybody has those days. Now, okay. Speaking
of being fat. Yeah. My job, which, because it's
a new building. Okay. Okay. The gym finally has.
gym equipment fun and we can start using it without
students nice so you better believe if i just
disappear at like noon i'm down in the gym and
i'm very excited about that gym class hero yeah
because mike and i are going to epic universe
in october okay and i gotta fit on all these
rides fair enough like i know i technically will
fit in them hey but it's just but i want to be
i want to be comfy i don't want i want to enjoy
the ride without like stressing or being sucked
in you know what i mean so because there's i've
watched a few videos of like people um who are
testing it for people who are yeah i follow um
an account on instagram that does that um i forget
what they're called but they like the plus size
roller coaster queens or something yeah so there's
this one guy who he's probably a similar size
of Mike, like height and like weight wise, but
he carries his weight lower, which is like me.
Yeah. I got you. So like, cause Mike can fit
onto rides that I struggle with. Um, so this
guy was like a mix between the both of us and
he did fit on all of them. Yeah. But he was like,
if you are uncomfortable, this ride will be uncomfortable
for you. And I'm like, I gotta be a skinny legend
by the time I get there. So by October, I would
like to lose some weight. Okay. I like how we
went from skinny legend to I'd like to lose some
weight. Let's be realistic here. Yeah, no, it's
funny. It's realistic. I like it. I mean, like
healthy wise. Let's do it healthy, yeah. And
that's what I want to do. We can all crash diet
it, but. I don't want to do that. So do you want
to go out with some songs? Yeah, song. The billboards.
I said song me up. Song me up. So number one
on the billboards was Shape of You by Ron Weasley.
Sorry, I always do that and I almost forgot to
do it. Number two was Despacito. Despacito. The
OG or Justin Bieber. This is the remix featuring
Justin Bieber. The original came out a couple
years before and then it really... I love that
song. I don't have the one with Justin Bieber.
It's not my favorite. But, I mean, Daddy Yankee.
I've been a Daddy Yankee fan since Gasolina.
You know? I'm gonna Gasolina. Humble, Kendrick
Lamar. Sit down. Yep. Be humble. Bad and Bougie
by Migos. Oh, man. I haven't heard that song
in a long time. Me neither. I haven't heard Migos
in a long time, ever since the third one died.
Closer by the Chainsmokers. Okay. The one they
did with Halsey. Yeah. I would listen to that
constantly. I would always listen to this one
radio station on my way to and from work at this
paper I was working at, and they were in the
same building as us. And I mean, it played like
once an hour. It was on all the time, but I loved
it. Congratulations by Post Malone. Remember
when Post Malone did rap? Yeah. I don't know.
Okay. So there is a concert that is Post Malone
and Jelly Roll. And I kind of want to go. I would
go to that. Yeah. I would go to that. I'm not
a big fan of Post Malone's like country music,
but I respect it. It's fine. Yeah. But I like
Jelly Roll. I love his voice. Yeah, he's good.
It's just not like my favorite. Yeah. But. You
know, it's fine. But I like Jelly Roll a lot.
Shout out, Bunny. You're not listening to this,
but if you were, hello. We love you. Cardi B,
Bodak Yellow. I almost remember when she... I
wasn't into Cardi B then. I have... She's grown
on me. Yeah, it took me about a year to get into...
And it wasn't an active... I didn't, like, hate
her. No. I just didn't start listening to the
music. I thought she was trying to rip off...
Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. And I did not like
it. That was the beef, right? I mean, they have
beef and... I'm not picking a side. I mean, okay.
I like Cardi B. I like Cardi B's music. I think
Cardi B is an excellent entertainer. I think
she's hilarious. Yeah. She's an excellent entertainer.
I like a lot of her songs. I think Nicki Minaj
is a better rapper. Yes. But I'm not like, it's
not, to me, it's not that deep, but I'm not trying
to get involved in the beef. Yeah. I'm just saying,
I think Nicki Minaj is a better rapper. I really
like Nicki Minaj, but I like Cardi B just fine.
Yeah. I think I started actually, being a willing
participant of her songs when I saw an interview
and she was hilarious. And I'm like, you know
what? I do like her. Yeah, I remember. I had
to like her as a person before I could like her
as an artist. But I sought out her music, which
I never did before. It was just like, it's on
the radio. It's fine. It's catchy. It's whatever.
But when she did that SNL appearance and she
was pregnant for the first time and she sang
that song, Be Careful, and... I liked the song
when I saw it on SNL, so I sought her out. I
realized I liked some of her music. Scars to
Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara. I don't know
what that is. I remember the song, I feel like.
I don't know the words, though. I can't. Hey,
thanks for listening to 30 Dirty and Dying, the
show for millennials by millennials. We get real
about chronic illness, burnout, nostalgia, and
why we aren't exactly thriving. If that sounds
like you, join us every Thursday for new episodes.
Now, back to the show. I based this, like I said,
inspired by the Game of Life. So the general
concept is you have a set of circumstances that
you're going to start out with. And we're going
to draw Millennial Chaos Life cards. And they're
all different cards mixed up in this. And they
have different points, losses, gains, whatever.
And then, so the way the card game works, the...
Instead of, obviously there's no board. Right.
So you can't win that way. Right. But they have
the word life in the cards. And you have whoever's
the most points by the time the entire word is
spelled out. Okay. Is the winner. So what I did
was, as that is my inspiration, the year 2000
is hidden within the deck of Millennial Chaos
life cards. So by the time the last zero. of
2000 is drawn. Whoever has the most points at
that point wins. Okay. Fair? Have you, um, so
there's an adult version of Game of Life. It's
called Fuck Life or F Life. I don't think I'm
aware. It's hilarious. Okay. Uh, recommend. All
right. And there's like a bunch of like, um,
packs that go along with it. Like expansion packs
kind of deal. Fun, fun, fun. Okay. I'm sorry.
I just thought of that while you were saying
Game of Life. So we're going to start with Relationship
cards. Okay. Family cards and career cards. Okay.
So what I'm going to do, I'm making this because
I do think it's life's all about choices. So
I'm going to give each of us two cards of these
and then you can pick which one you want to move
forward with. Okay. Now there are cards in the
chaos deck that might change your story. I love
that. At some point. Okay. But this is where
we're going to start. There are a lot more career
cards because, again, there might be switcheroonies.
I love a switcheroon. So I'm actually going to
give us three career cards because I feel like
it's fair. You go first. Okay. So I picked for
the family card. Okay. Dual income, no kids.
Nice. I didn't even look at points for all of
these. I just did it for fun. That's okay. We'll,
we'll add them up. Relationship card, happily
married. Okay. And career, storm chaser. Love
that. Okay. So the point value, just to, so the
point value with the, with the, uh, the, the
relationship and the kids ones are all pretty
equal. Cause I feel like we should not be judged
for our choices or our family. There's slight
deviations in them, but. Think of it like tax
breaks. Right. Um, so, and then, so for the job
ones though, I tried to base it off like income
a little bit, like what you might make more money
with. Yeah. Except for. hidden within here and
they could be in my deck right now i don't know
i haven't looked at my cards yet are our actual
jobs and i made those worth the most points okay
even though they are not in real life but it's
our game i mean i'm not making awful money right
no but i mean it's probably making more than
doctors right so but in this game we do yeah
but it's just like a point value right i just
thought it'd be fun uh i'm a lawyer whoa I'm
happily unmarried. Okay. Which I am. And my family
card is the only thing you have to keep alive
are plants. Love that for you. I'll take it.
So... I have 160 points. You have 160 points
to start. Yep. Awesome. And I have... So I have
160 points to start out. Oh, look at us. We're
tied. Twinsies! So the rest of the game is we're
just going to draw the Millennial Chaos life
cards. And then, like I said, some we might have
to switch some things out. Okay. Start your first
card. When life hits, you paid off or had your
student loan debt forgiven. Gain 50 points. Awesome.
So Courtney's up to 210. When life hits. Oh,
no. Oh, no. You've been diagnosed with a chronic
illness that has onset after age 30. Lose 25
points. I did. I did have a chronic illness after
I turned 30. Although I had it before. I just
didn't know about it. Yeah, but you've been diagnosed
is what it says. Actually, I lied. I was under
30 when I found out. I mean, all mine started
before I was 30, but whatever. All right. The
cat distribution system has chosen you. Gain
30 points. Ah, look at you. Oh, man, you are
running away. You're 100 points ahead of me right
now. Woo! Millennial milestone. Inner child.
You found something you've always wanted for
sale on the internet. Decided to nurture your
inner millennial child. Gain five points and
take an extra turn. Fun. So, five points. Fuck.
Oh no, your biological clock is ticking. Take
some time to mull over your decisions. Lose a
turn or pick a new family card. I think I'm going
to pick a new family card. Okay. Cat or dog parent.
Yay. Add 40 points. Hell yeah. Well, I guess
it's add five points. Yeah. Because it's five
different than my other. Yeah. But still. Yeah.
I prefer this. All right. So you go two times
in a row because I'm. Well, no, it said or. Oh.
Then you just go one time. You were so productive
today. Like, actually, extra turn. So you're
right. I do get to go twice. There you go. See,
I know what's going on. The first zero. I got
the first zero. You can pick again. Okay. Oh,
oh, it's magic. The algorithm has changed in
your favor and you're verified as an influencer.
If you're an influencer, gain 75 points. If you're
not, pick another card. But if you're not an
influencer... Oh, is that a career card? Yeah.
Okay. So if you're an influencer... So then I
pick another card. Yeah, you can put that one
back in the deck, though, because you might become
an influencer. See, I really tried to make these,
like, game cards. All right. You found this awesome
Millennial Chaos podcast, but you didn't leave
a five -star rating review. Lose 20. Oh, Courtney,
how dare you not leave us a review? Everyone
that's listening to this, please leave us five
stars. Yeah, leave us a rating. Leave us a review
or you're going to lose 40 points. I know it
said 20, but I'm going to make it 40 because
double time. Well, just for you guys. I only
lose 20. Yeah. Learn from our mistakes. You used
a Gen Z slang term correctly on the first try.
Gained 15 points. Hell yeah. I feel so special.
What Gen Z slang term did you use? Probably my
favorite one right now is, not right now, my
favorite one of the last few months is let them
cook. I love that. Let them cook. Let them cook.
All right. Unprecedented times. Ah, beans. I
don't remember writing that. Ah, beans! You're
now living through another recession. In the
words of Deji Khaled. What did I say? I know
I spelled it right. You did, but what did I just
say? Deji. Okay, Mr. Flexio. In the words of
Deji Khaled. Another one. Lose 50 points. Oh,
no! True to life, though. Alright, now we are
only 10 points apart. You're still ahead, but
when life hits. I see a cruise ship on that.
PTO party. You're going on a cruise. Gain 35
points. Yay. Are you going on a cruise with me?
Yeah, I'll take you with me. I meant in real
life. Are you going on a cruise with me? No.
I don't want to do this. I made that card hoping
you would get it. Well, now you got it, so you
have to go on a cruise with me. Fine, I'll go
on a cruise with you, but, like, I don't know.
Just pick a good one. Millennial milestone. Could
it be millennial homeownership? Let's see. If
you have a total of 175 points or more, here
are the keys to your new home and 50 extra points.
If you have less than 175 points, keep renting,
but collect 35 extra points. You only have 170
points. 160, 170. With all the cards. I've been
keeping track the whole time. I know, but I'm
just double checking. Okay, fine. Put that one
back in the deck. But did I get my 35 points?
Yeah, I added it. So if you get that card again
soon. Without, you know, crazy stuff happening.
All right. You deserve a little treat, TBH. Gained
five points. I love that. Just a little treat.
So, 200. Another millennial milestone. Burnout,
bitch. Burnout has finally caught up with you
and you have to make a change. Grab a new career
card. I would never, ever get burnout at being
a storm chaser. Well. Too bad. Here's your career
card. You can give them a shuffle and pick a
good one. Boo, you whore. I'm a park ranger.
Nice. Okay. My turn. God damn it. Come on. When
life hits, your favorite band is going on a comeback
tour and you can afford tickets. Gain 15 points.
Yay. Green Day. Yes. Although they never left.
They were just, they just played at Coachella.
Oh, did they? Awesome. When life hits, you slept
on your neck wrong. Lose a turn. Okay. Rip. Rip!
You lose. You lose! You made it through the Oregon
Trail with minimal loss of life. Gained 25. You
made it across the river. Hell yeah, for the
first time ever. The two. We've only got two
zeros left. Your favorite nostalgic snack is
coming back on the shelves for a limited time.
Gain 15 points. Oh my god, that's how I felt
when Dunkaroos came back. Absolutely. Mine was
the Oreo O's cereal. Because I used to fuck that
up as a kid. I loved it so much. I never really
had that type of cereal. I rarely did because
my mom was like, you can't be fat. But a few
times when I got it and... I was about to say
that. I'm like, grandma's like, get some special
cake. Yeah. We're doing the special K challenge
as a family. Unprecedented times. It's election
season and experts are calling this one unprecedented.
You lose hours doom scrolling and become overwhelmed
with existential dread from following the polls.
Lose 20 points. Okay. Oh, I got an unprecedented
times too. Fuck. Weather event. Global warming
probably. Lose 35 points. I mean, yeah. I tried
to make these like funny. Okay. Work sucks. I
know. Lose five points. Work sucks. Forgot I
made some of these. Work sucks. Why though? I
made some of these, like some of them are real
life things and I based them on song lyrics.
I love that. It's gonna get weird. Um. Oh no!
Then life hits. Due to gestures wildly, your
department has been downsized and you're being
laid off. Lose 50 points and draw a new career
card. You can read it if you like. I literally
put gestures wildly. How many points? Lose 50
points? Lose 50 and get a new career. Yeah, I'm
gonna do it. Don't worry. Well, I guess I couldn't
hack it as a lawyer either. You're in the lead
again. Marine biologist. Woo! Fun. So now I'm
a marine biologist. We've only got one zero left?
One zero. Shit. Okay, when life hits, you're
on a road trip and you pass a mansion in Wisconsin.
Gained 15 points? Hell yeah. I love the mansion
in Wisconsin. Who doesn't? Do you like how I
said it? Because I do. That's why I wanted you
to say it. He was also playing at Coachella.
Amazing. This is another lyric one, and I really
enjoy that I did this. Suddenly, there's hateration
and holleration in this dancery. Lose 15 points.
Mary J. Blige. Oh. Don't need no hateration,
holleration in this dancery. Let's get it percolating.
Right? Is that the word? I think so. Cool. Yeah,
okay, I got it right. All right, go ahead. You
successfully spiced up your life. Gained 15 points.
Spice up your life. Spice up your life. People
of the world, spice up your life. Oh. Step into
the left if you're having a good time. Shake
it to the right if you know that you're feeling
fine. Shake it to the front. Go around. Thanks
for listening to 30 Dirty and Dying. We really
appreciate your support, and if you want to keep
up with everything we're doing both on and off
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We've got affiliate links if you want to support
the things we're doing outside the show. You
can get in touch with us, find playlists that
we've made, and everything else that you need
to keep up with your favorite millennial podcast.
Now, let's get back to the show. Steve from Blue's
Clues just made a video that made you feel like
life is worth living again. Gained 20 points.
Thank God. I'm so glad Steve listens, you know?
Me too. I just like, he's like, hi, what's on
your mind? And he just listens. And I start talking.
I don't even realize I'm doing it. I just like
his face. I love everything about him. He makes
life feel like it's worth living again. Juliet
checked yes, so run, baby, run. Gained 15 points.
I'm so funny. Run, baby, run. Don't ever look
back. I love that song so much. Wow, okay, here
we go. I think this might be the last lyric one.
They all got clumped together for some reason.
You went crazy, but good news. They still call
you Superman. Gained 15 points. If I go crazy,
then will you still call me Superman? If I'm
alive and well, will you be there? Hold my hand.
I'll take you by my side with my superhuman,
my aching kryptonite. Way to go. All your toiletries
have run out at the same time. Lose five points.
Fuck. I saw that kind of inspired by, I saw this
meme the other day and it was like, you'll be
fighting for your life financially and all your
toiletries will run out at the same time. And
it's true. Millennial milestone. Burnout, bitch.
Burnout has finally caught up with you and you
have to make a change. Grab a new career card.
It's very true to life. I'm a writer and it's
the real career. So it's worth a hundred. You
get your real career. I'll give you the points
too. Okay. So I'm going to give myself 60. So
I'm going to give myself 40 points. Okay. So
if you get yours, I'll give you the difference
also. Yes. We're still only 15 points apart though.
Um, do I have 175 points? You have 220. Woo!
I own a home. I get 50 extra points. Amazing.
Amazing. Hot new trend. Millennial milestone.
Reboot me, daddy. Oh. Hollywood is rebooting
your favorite early 2000s movie, but it's not
living up to the hype. Take some time to rewatch
the original and skip your next turn. Go ahead.
Go ahead. More unprecedented times. Political
pandemonium has created, you guessed it, an unprecedented
situation. Apparently World War III is being
started. Chaos and dread ensue. Lose 40 points.
Ugh. We are only five points apart now. But you
get another turn. Another unprecedented times.
Fuck. Oh, beans. Another. Another. It's the same
thing. It's the same part. I made more than one
because we've been through so many recessions.
Okay. Well, DJ Khaled said another one and I
lose 50 points. Oh, no. All right. Oh, beans.
Millennial milestone. Level up love. You're feeling
like it's time to take your relationship status
to the next level. If you're married, if you're.
If you're married, extra 10 points or you can
draw a new relationship card. If you're unmarried,
extra 10 points or you can draw a new relationship
card. If you're single, you draw a new relationship
card or take an extra turn now. I'm happily unmarried.
I'm going to stay happily unmarried. So 10 more
points. Okay. Next level. Another one. Another
one. I like to keep those ones vague because,
like, another level could mean a lot of things.
Why do I keep getting the unprecedented times?
Do a shuffle. Do a shuffle. It's fine. I don't
know. Some of them, they just got clumped up,
I think, when I dropped them. So... I'm like,
that's three unprecedented times in a row. I'm
already depressed. I mean, it's pretty accurate,
but I'll let it... I'll watch it be an unprecedented
time. It might be. I don't know. Is it really?
Okay, you can't. Again, that's your own fault.
Global warming! 35? Yeah. The existential dread
and burnout have caught up with you. Lose a turn.
You get two turns. Alright, two unprecedented
times. Let's go. Well, might as well. You have
two, yeah. There you go. Alright. The algorithm
has changed your influencer income, has dwindled
to almost nothing. If you're an influencer, lose
75 points. If not, pick another card. Okay. Oh
my gosh, influencer. A real... A reel or TikTok
has made you gone viral. Gain 30 points or gain
70 points now and trade in your career card to
be a full -time influencer. So you can just gain
30 points, yay, enjoy the viral moment, or you
can gain 70 points, but you also have to change
your career to be a full -time influencer. Is
full -time influencer more points? It's 70, so
you'll get 70 right now. Okay, I'll change my
career card. Okay. I'll be a full -time influencer.
All right. So you, I don't think I made an influencer
career card, but just you're an influencer. Just
know that you're an influencer. And my other.
It was 70 points, right? Yeah. I got it. I got
it. I got it. Well, I've been keeping everything
separate so I can recount. No, I got it. I just,
I got it. But thank you. And when life, I have
a white, when life hits card, you made a breakthrough
in therapy. Now you can answer the question.
Why am I like this? Gain 20 points. Awesome.
Someone reminded you how long ago the 90s actually
were. You need time to reflect. Fuck. All right.
Burnout bitch. So I guess I'm not an influencer
anymore. Nope. So you can pick a new career card.
And I will give you a point differential. I'll
give you whatever the points are for this. I
am a successful artist. Points is that. 85. Man,
you just broke 300. Whoa. And then you lost a
turn, right? Yeah. When life hits, you make the
perfect nostalgic playlist that gets you through
another week. Gain five points. Amazing. Amazeballs.
Hell yeah. All right. Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. You're so cool. Extra turn. That's
it. This is the end. This is the zero. 2000.
We went to the year 2000. Y2K is hit. Y2K is
hit. You win. by a long shot. Courtney 320, me
245. Yes. Do you want to read through the rest
of my cards? I do. Okay. Weather event, probably
global warming. Like I said, there were a couple
unprecedented times. You cried a river and drowned
the whole world. Lose 15 points. A global health
crisis has interrupted all life as we know it.
Prepare for the worst and maybe re -download
TikTok. Lose 65 points. Congrats, you got a promotion
at work. Fight burnout and get this bread or
whatever. Gain 25 points. You're finally beating
90s 2000 diet culture. You ate a sandwich with
regular bread and didn't feel guilty. You know,
I've never felt guilty about eating regular bread.
Good for you. Oh no, one of your bills unexpectedly
goes up this month. Lose 7 points. That's random.
I know. That could have made the maker break.
When life hits, good news, mercury is out of
the microwave and you're feeling flirty. And
you're feeling flirty and thriving for a while.
Gain 20 points. Hit play. Your favorite movie
is finally on streaming services again. Gain
15 points. All that LimeWire downloading caught
up with you and you need to pay a fine. Lose
15 points. It's 30 time! You're officially in
your 30s. Collect an extra 55 points regardless
of your current life because 30 is when you realize
life never goes according to plan plus everything's
made up and the points don't matter. What are
we? Anyways, can I read the careers? Yeah, go
for it. You can read the rest of it if you want.
There's the careers and here's the family cards.
So we have a banker, a security guard, a farmer,
office administrator, a registrar. That was the
hundred. A lawyer. Lawyer. HR professional. Shout
out HR besties and Jamie. Journalist. I like
how you forgot to put journalist on it. I was
just blocking it out. Graphic designer. Cosmetologist.
Paleontologist. Car salesperson. Warehouse supervisor.
IT guy. Storm chaser. Park ranger. Marine biologist.
Hell yeah. So for the family cards, we also had
Fun Ant. Mm -hmm. Congratulations, it's a human
child. Oof. House full of kids. Oof. And then
the relationship cards, you could have also been
Single and Looking. It's Complicated. Hi, I'm
Bob. And then Single and Not Looking. Hey, Hasbro.
I know you're listening. Yeah, get over here.
We have a Millennial Life game. I think it would
be fun. We can play F Life, because that's...
Maybe we'll do that next. Maybe. So I hope you
guys have enjoyed the game. And if you. I won.
I won at life. Courtney wins at life. That's
a first. Did I tell you that? I told you, but
listeners, my therapist in my last session. Oh,
yeah. You've got to tell the story. Sidebar.
Real quick. Please tell the story. She doesn't
know how to help me. She literally looked at
me and said, I don't know. Text me about this.
I think right after it happened, it seemed like.
I don't know. Yeah, probably. So, please explain,
because you have to. Okay, so I have a severe
phobia of throwing up. Which you should know
if you listen to the show literally at all. It
comes up surprisingly a lot. Yeah, so more recently...
I was taking my pill. I already, like, my whole
life I've struggled with taking pills. But I
feel like I've gotten better at it. Sure. Because,
you know, medicated now. You have to. I have
to take pills all the time, which sucks, but
whatever. I choked on a pill in the morning.
Gagged. Panicked. Stopped taking it for a couple
days. That's your, like, how you respond. Oh,
no. I shouldn't take this anymore. Not like,
man, I should really get my throat figured out.
So I went to my therapist to talk to her about
this. And she asked me, like, what about the
choking is what scared me? And I was like, the
fear of throwing up. Not dying. Because I could
almost understand if you were like, oh my god,
I thought I was going to die. No, you just didn't
want to puke. And I... Looked at her straight
in the face and was like, gun to my head. Like,
I'm not lying. I said this to her face. Gun to
my head. If someone said I will shoot you or
if you or if you don't throw up, I wouldn't have
to think about it. Shoot me. And she was like,
you know what? I don't know, but she did look
up my Wellbutrin that I'm on. She was like, that
does come in a liquid form. And I'm like, okay,
I'll have to talk to my doctor about that. Um,
but she says she wrote it down and she was like,
I'm going to look into this. I'm like, okay,
cool. Love that. But yeah, my therapist doesn't
know how to help me. I have a severe phobia of
throwing up. I cannot do it. I would rather die.
Here's the thing. I, for the longest time, and
I even called it a phobia, I don't believe that
it is a phobia anymore. I think this is a compulsive
thing. I really do. Because the way you're describing
it is like, it's more than fear. It's like...
It's insane. It's insane. I'm not trying to judge
you, but I guess I am. Like, I've never... It
sounds like how I feel with, like, my obsessive
compulsive stuff. Like, if I don't do this or
if this happens or whatever, we will all die.
And it seems like that's what you're doing over
the vomit. I don't know. But I love that you're
gonna maybe be able to make antidepressant smoothies.
Sick. But also, just a general... tip maybe for
anybody out there, maybe don't use the phrase
gun to my head. In therapy? Yeah. As a, as a
vet here, I wouldn't, it's, it's. She seemed
okay. I think you just took her by so much surprise
with what you said after. If it had been anything
she'd been willing to dance with, but like, yeah,
I would maybe not recommend saying, using that
analogy in therapy, maybe ever, but okay. Well,
she does, I'm not, um. I don't know that you're
not anymore. Not what? Throwing up happens every
day. I don't know if you're gonna throw up and
then immediately commit suicide. That's what
it sounds like you're saying. I could see - No,
I said I'd rather kill myself than throw up.
Not throw up then kill myself. But the logic
of that tells me that if you fail - Anyways.
Courtney won at this game of life, but she's
not winning the others, apparently. And she even
has played therapy card and it's not helping.
At least not with that. Not with that. Not with
that. I don't think anything will help that.
So we'll have to report back. You're going to
have to report back to me. I need to know how
this shakes out. Yeah, it's a few weeks before
I have my next session. We only do it once a
month. Well, I can't wait to hear. You know,
let's all send Courtney our good vibes to not
vomit so that we can keep doing the show. All
right, we'll see you guys next time, hopefully,
unless Courtney throws up. Bye! Hit me in my
giggle dick.