Hey, what's going on everybody? I'm Courtney.
Hello, I'm Courtney. and welcome back to our
channel it's 30 dirty and dying yep you're listening
to a podcast right now maybe you're here on purpose
maybe you click this shit on accident but either
way welcome you're starting off strong i'm ready
to start off strong well this is an episode about
dying and we're 30 and dirty and dying yep every
episode is about dying a little bit but this
episode is really about inside we're always dying
a little bit yep that's why we started the podcast
yeah yep so i'm chorissa i'm corny Let's fucking
get it started hot. Let's get it started hot.
Let's get it started in here. Come on. Come on.
I don't know. Okay. We're doing dumb ways to
die. So today, um, we're gonna die live on the
air. Bye. Courtney, this was, you really, um,
came up with some of the framework for this episode
that I completely ignored, but what do you mean?
You said you had an idea about like you came
up with like thousand ways to die and those connections.
My only thought. Yeah. I had one single singular
thought cell in my head. I had none. I looked
up the show thousand ways to die. And fun fact,
I figured out that it was canceled because like
the actors and like the writers went on strike
and they just stopped it. It's an acceptable
loss. Look, I watched it, but it wasn't that
fucking great of a show. I watched it. every
time it was on TV. I don't think I did that.
But I can see how when you're coming back from
something like a strike and just being like,
nah, fucking forget it done. Yeah. Like if you
were doing a project at home and you were like,
I got to give up one of the final death on the
show. There's yikes. The show's death the thousandth
way. Anyways, I figured I would just reminisce.
Yeah, on the episodes of 1000 ways to die. I
have like 20 that I wrote down of like funny,
funny. Yeah. Dying is not funny. Okay, part of
what we do on this show though, and we always
we try to do an episode every season or every
seasons a lot of what we do given the name is
like we're trying to destigmatize the conversations
around aging and death and and and make it less
Taboo to like get older to talk about just like
hey, we all die at the end of this Let's stop
pretending that we don't so a lot of times the
way we do that though, especially when it comes
to death is jokes comedy like dark humor about
it. So this is just one of those examples, like
we're trying to destigmatize the conversation
around death. But we're also just having a good
time and trying to find ways to laugh at the
inevitable. And we're all gonna die. Yeah, not
take ourselves too seriously. Because this is
just one of those things that is I mean, we all
got to eat and we're all gonna die. True that.
But really quick disclaimer, if for some reason
you are the Family member to the people who died
the way that Courtney's about to say or like
I took a little bit of a different spin on it
But like anything that we say if some I almost
said if you or someone you know died Well, you
wouldn't be listening shout out ghosts No, if
someone you know died this like we're not making
fun of your loved one. No, we're making fun of
ourselves more than anything about, like, how
this shit could happen to us or, like, how terrible
we could be at dying. See, so when I, like, picked
them, I tried not to pick the ones that, like,
made sense. Yeah. I tried to pick the ones that
were, like, either funny or, like, wild. Yeah.
And so, like, what I did was I have a few that
I remember from the show. Basically what I tried
to do with those and then with just things that
I came up with from other, like, crazy death
scenes or... content that I have favorite death
scenes from movies. Yeah, I took some stuff from
Final Destination movies because those deaths
are always like wild great. And I just sort of
was like pulling the thread of this isn't the
overall theme, but it was kind of became what
are some ways that I'm maybe I could probably
die that stupid because I'm an idiot. So like,
if for some reason, anything that one of us says
or that I say is like the way that someone you
love died, I'm not making fun of them. Absolutely
not. I'm making fun of myself. So that's what
we're doing. but first we gotta go back in time
before we go really far forward or not even that
far who knows that's the funny thing about death
it just happens yep back in time all right Back
in time. All right. Yeah, we're in 2008, which
is when a thousand ways to die aired Yep, so
I guess we can we can say some TV shows. Yes,
you got them True blood know the vampire show
never watched really the year of the vampire
because we all know Twilight came out You don't
need to talk about it again. Yeah, we talked
about it a lot. It's my fault guys the 90210
reboot, okay The Secret Life of the American
Teenager. Oh my god. We fully relived that several
seasons ago. Go check it out. It's one of my
favorite episodes. I listen to it all the time.
It's so bad. I mean, our episode was fucking
good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The episode was great.
The show was terrible. The show was awful. Ghost
Adventures. Oh shit, Ghost Adventures? Zach Baggins.
Oh man, I love the TikToks where people like
pretend to be him. It's so funny. I've seen a
lot. Ben 10, Alien Force. I never watched it.
I don't think I did either but like I know what
it is. I was starting to like get out of that
phase I think. Yeah, Suite Life on Deck. I did
watch that. Several Real Housewives franchises.
I never watched those. My meemaw really liked
them. She liked New York and New Jersey. I was
never into like the reality TV shows. I was into
some. That was never my bag. It's theatrical.
It's not my favorite. The Mentalist, Wipeout.
Oh shit, Wipeout? Yeah, where they bounce on
those balls. Yeah. Between two ferns with Zach
Galifianakis. He does those interviews. 2008?
Yeah. You should be off -putting. Celebrity family
feud. Oh god, there was something called Two
Girls, One Cup, The Show. Oh, I'm like, I've
watched Two Girls, One Cup. Yeah, no, we all
did. We all got assaulted with that shit. The
Show? They made a show. No fucking, you're shitty
my dick right now. Okay, I'll just read you the
whole thing. Two Girls, One Cup, colon, The Show.
tv series 2008 based on the infamous internet
video the series of shorts following the adventures
of a cup living with two girls and sherman oaks
did not go well i literally have no words two
episodes one cup those were some shows a lot
of shows um so i was just checking out my facebook
because i think i got a facebook in 2007 oh yeah
i didn't have a facebook yet um now if we could
open quizilla or um secret my space that i use
for my friends then maybe by a .m We can blow
the sucker wide open but I cannot contribute
I got Guitar Hero World Tour. Fuck yeah. That's
my post. I just said got Guitar Hero World Tour.
That's enough. To explanation marks. I love to
hear it. Happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's
so lame. It was it was the the feeling or the
the season of Courtney is blank. Yeah, because
the Facebook status is used to be and they still
were like this when I got a Facebook Yeah, years
later you it was like a math lab You filled in
the blank right Clarissa is Courtney is and then
you you said whatever I wrote is feeling sick
dot dot dot still sad face Oh is working tonight
blah I'm surprised you didn't give everybody
your entire fucking schedule is bored with a
lot of O's is chillin wit my homies home skillet
biscuit is jamming is jamming Oh me and my when
you had your movie theater polo movie theater
polo. Yep, is Chalaxin. Oh, what a word. What
a word. Yeah. Oh my god. So I'm assuming you're
at a football game in this beautiful picture
that you're gonna have to send me so we can put
it on the Instagram. Yes, I was okay. It was
homecoming. Oh, I've you know, my first round
of Facebook pictures again, a couple years later,
were from the homecoming game at my school. And
it was the only football game I ever went to.
was the homecoming game my freshman year. I let
somebody draw on my face, but it wasn't like
the foot. It wasn't like the battle lines. It
was just like, yeah, is doing homework, then
work from six to 12. Text it. Yeah, you always
gave your schedule out. It's so wonder you didn't.
Dumb ways to die. It's a wonder you didn't get
murdered. Yeah, well, whatever. Yeah, I love
that picture of me. Your little arms. I know
I had such little arms. I thought I was so fat
in this picture. Fuck me. That was my whole vibe
in 2008. Is doing laundry and all that jazz.
All that jazz. And then my first ever post in
2008 was just a picture of me and I said, I like
this one. I like it. It's cute. Yeah. Your hair
was very brown. I mean, I used to dye it. To
be brown? Multiple colors. Oh. I loved this picture.
It's a cute picture with a scarf. A scarf and
a Santa hat and I threw that snow up, by the
way. It was not snowing in that picture. Wait.
You vomited? Like I threw the snow in the air.
Oh. So like you could see the snow and like everything.
I literally just thought that was like flash
from a digital camera. I didn't think that was.
Oh my God. Behind the scenes 2008. You want to
know some songs that were fucking popping? Yeah,
pop off. Lollipop. Lollipop. Nope, that's not
it. I know one that I always say and I'm never
going to stop fucking saying it. 303. Don't Trust
Me. That was one of my... If you guys listened
last week to Millennial Music Trivia Lyrics Edition,
one of the songs I did not get to, I had the
first line, which is... Do you know the first
line of Don't Trust Me? No. Black dress with
the tights underneath. I got the breath of a
last cigarette on my teeth and she's an actress.
But she ain't got no need. She's got money from
her parents in a truss on back ease. T -t -t
-t -tongs. Pocket Full of Sunshine. I got a pocket.
I got a pocket. I got a pocket. I love E .Z .A.
It's such a good movie. Closer by Neo. I don't
know if I know that off the top of my head. Uh,
No Air by Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown. I loved
that song. I'm supposed to breathe with no air.
That's the only part I think I know though. Love
in this club. Love in this club. Ush. Yeah. Ush
ush. That was, this is like the year of Homecoming.
Yeah, I remember a lot of the like, this was
this was a big year for the pop culture and I
was like fully in it as a teen. Viva La Vida
from Coldplay. I used to rule the world and I
gave the world now in the morning I sleep alone.
Yep. Yep. That's all I got. Amelie. Amelie, Amelie,
Amelie, Amelie, Amelie, Amelie, Amelie, Amelie.
Yep. Yep. Good call. Good call. Miss Independent
by Neo. Big year for Neo. Neo was really going
places. Neo go places. fall for you by secondhand
serenade you know that song now yeah well when
you said neo go places i was thinking of like
hot to go but n -e -y -o -g -e -o neo maybe we
don't do that okay yeah womanizer britney speed
womanizer womanizer you're a womanizer babe used
to you i'm used to you right woman as a woman
as a woman as a boy you tried to front I know
just just what you are. She's doing the choreography.
I know just just what you are. You! You! Courtney's
doing choreography. Just dance. I love that game.
Well, in my life in 2008, I can tell you said
a little bit about your life, how to look out
of mine. I was full blown emo. My favorite pair
of pants was a pair of dark purple skinny jeans.
I too had a pair of dark purple skinny jeans
because Bob said his favorite color was purple.
I'm surprised you didn't paint your whole fucking
body. And I said, I need to wear things that
are purple. So I went to Oh, fuck, what's that
store? I got mine from I believe they came from
Delia's. Oh, see, I didn't not Delia's. It was
Delia's still around. Not forever 21. What's
the Rue21? Yes, thank you. I got a lot of my
clothes there as well. What's the cheap Forever
21? That's the one I went to too. Rue21. Yep.
Was Delia still around? I don't think so. Then
why do I feel like I got them? I remember I went
to Delia's once and I got my favorite Zippa putty
that had thumb holes. I never went to the store,
but we would get the we will get the catalog
for me. Let me see. As a retail store, they went
out in 2015 is when they went to Funk. So they
might have still been around because I really
feel like Yeah to the early 2010s. They were
an independent retailer and direct marketer.
So in 2007 2008 I was probably still able to
get the catalogs and I had a pair of purple skinny
jeans I also had a pair of sequined black Chuck
Taylors. Yes. I also had a pair of white ones
with multicolored stars all over them that I
fucking still wish I had I wore arm socks a lot
And gloves. I never did. Yep, I did. I had a
bang that really wasn't a bang. I just parted
my hair stupid like Amy. I didn't have the bang.
I didn't have the bang. I never had bangs. But
I parted my hair like Amy Juergens entered the
chat, you know. Um, I started wearing thicker
and thick rimmed glasses for the first time.
Because before that, my mom wanted me to wear
glasses that looked like I wasn't wearing glasses
and I hated them. She didn't want me to have
to wear glasses. And I was like, this is all
I've ever wanted. So if she didn't want you to
wear glasses, then just contacts. Oh, no, I couldn't
do that. uh she tried um okay i would i couldn't
put him in she took me for a consult a consult
for lasik when i was a teenager which i did not
want i was like i i don't want lasik and the
guy went to and but she made me go because she
was like you should you shouldn't wear glasses
and your eyes are really bad and i don't know
so the guy went to put like the dye in my eye
yeah and i kept jumping off the chair because
i didn't want them to touch my eyes. I don't
like that. And then he was like, okay, I feel
like because you're having a really hard time
with this, I know you might want to get LASIK,
but I don't know that you're a great candy. And
I went, I don't want it. She wants me to get
I fully just like mutiny on my mother in that
moment. I was like, I don't want LASIK. She wants
me to get it. She made me come here. I don't
want to do this. Yeah, so get out. But yeah,
I was full blown emo. My binder had Twilight
all over it because Twilight came out. Should
we go out with movies? Yeah. Wall -E. Wall -E.
Taken. I have a very particular set of skills.
Mama Mia. Here I go again. Dark Knight. Okay.
Iron Man. Yes. Here's your shit. Hulk also. Okay.
Yep. There it is. Step brothers. Do we just become
best friends? Yeah, all this is because I started
working at the movie theater. Yeah. So all this
I'm like, Yep. Yep. Yep. The strangers that terrible
fucking movie that the the you have the masks.
Yeah. Pineapple Express. Oh shit. I had a poster
of that. I'm sure you did. That makes perfect
sense actually. Um, Ponyo. Okay. Little fishy
fish. Yeah. Madagascar escape to Africa. Secret
life of bees. Bees. Bees. not the bees angus
thongs and perfect snogging what a way to go
what a way to go you're listening to 30 dirty
and dying where we might not be flirty or thriving
but we're 30 and trying keep listening and check
out all our episodes on life love death and more
um so like we said at the top we're gonna just
talk about dumb ways to die and we both interpreted
that different ways some based heavily on media
from the 2000s So Courtney, why don't you kick
us off because you really hit the thousand ways
to die thing. What I really liked are the titles
of these deaths that really got me. So this one's
called Love Bugged. Is it an STD? No. So it's
bitten by his pet black widow spider, Elvira,
and killed by neurotoxin when it gave him a heart
attack. One would say, why is that dumb? Because
one, you had a fucking pet spider. I was gonna
say this is entirely your fault for having a
pet black widow spider. Right. Right. That's
your fault. Yep. That's like, oh my god, I fell
on my collection of anthrax. Why do you have
a collection of anthrax? I just think anyone
who has like - Poisonous animals? Is dumb. Yeah,
it's like, dude, don't do this. No. It's the
same, I feel the same way about people who have
like, like tigers and shit. That should be illegal.
It is for a lot of us. But like, I will use this
as a jumping off point. Okay. A way that I would
probably die that's pretty dumb is getting mauled
by a wild animal I'm trying to befriend because
that would happen. Because they look so cuddly.
And I believe - Like you just want to cuddle
the big kitty. I believe fully in my heart, white
woman logic, that I could make any animal love
me and that I know that I am just full of love
for the animal. And I don't want to hurt them,
and I just want to love them. And I feel that
they feel my love. And maybe they do, but they
still might kill me. And I'm kind of fine with
it. So, would it be a dumb way to die? Yes. Would
I be okay with it? Also, yes. Go on. Okay, so
this one's called Wet Dream. Died of a heatstroke
after putting on a latex fish fetish suit. Don't
do that asleep! Be awake! Where you can keep
track of your fucking - Didn't say he was sleeping.
Well, you said wet dream. I assume dream meant
he fell asleep. No, it just died of a heat stroke
after putting on a latex fish fetish suit in
extremely hot weather. Well, I don't know. Maybe
just keep track of your fucking temperature.
You know, I'm getting overheated. I know I need
to turn the AC on. I need to sit down. I need
to cool it. Take off the suit. Yeah. Maybe you're
about to finish, but you can finish later. And
honestly, and this is where it's gonna get controversial,
if you need to be wearing a fish suit to finish,
look, we all have our things. That's too far.
You need to see someone. Well, like, is the dick
out? I don't know, but this is what I'm saying.
Some of these people who have, like, really specific
things and they absolutely cannot function sexually
without these things. I understand if they make
it better for you like everybody has things in
there like this is way better this is way hotter
but if you can't do it if you're not in your
fish closet that's a problem you know like you
need to see someone you need help see in my mind
because like I didn't like look these up I can
tell what do you mean just because it's just
you're just naming you're saying the synopsis
correct yeah it's fine it like some of them if
i know if you would have looked them up you would
have been giving me hard details because i know
how you research is what i'm saying so it's fine
i'm i'm totally fine with the way this is going
yeah well that was my point yeah like i wanted
to just look them up and we would talk about
yeah i'm totally okay with that yeah but when
i was reading it i had a like i was trying to
imagine Yeah, the latex fish suit. So what I
was imagining was in American Horror Story season
one with gills and like fins. Do you know what
I'm picturing? What? My cat has a goldfish costume.
It's not latex. It's just fabric. It looks like
a kid's like Halloween costume, but it's a goldfish.
But latex. I don't know if I have anything that
remotely relates to that. Okay, here's one that
not really. It's a sex one though that is from
thousand ways to die. I remember I don't remember
the episode or anything But I remember that might
have on this list general story. I called it
carrot dildo So what I did not put this on this
okay So what I remember about this episode is
this woman and they kept calling her a nymphomaniac
which feels sexist um But that she was having
friends over and she was grocery shopping for
her friends to come over But she saw this big
old carrot so she bought the carrot purely for
the purpose of using it as a sex toy Yep But
here's the thing she didn't peel it and carrot
skin is rough and tumble and she didn't clean
it good enough So there's dirt. There's bacteria
and she didn't put a condom on it Either because
why would you well? I don't know I can think
of a lot of ways that this wouldn't have had
to kill you But she put the carrot in her and
it went fine, but then the carrot the rough dirty
carrot skin cut her inside and It went straight
into her bloodstream and died that night or something
like that. I don't know I've never forgotten
that so for those listening If you're going to
use a carrot either peel it no just don't use
make sure you clean it well and Listen, don't
don't use don't use when when people say like
food play. I really don't think this is what
they're talking about. I think they're just talking
about whipped cream on your body, you know? Yeah,
we're nacho cheese or something. That's right.
But that's, you know, let's move on before we
get too in depth and have to flag this episode.
Okay, it's this is called me so hornet. See,
I thought it was gonna be something about miso
soup, and then you just pivot. And it's - okay,
so it's stung to death by hornets after shooting
their nest with a paintball gun. Okay, well fucking
fi - I mean, you invaded their house. They should
be mad. Yes. And if it's - if their hornet's
nest is invading your space, call a professional.
Yeah, that's all it should be. But with a paintball
gun? At no point when I was getting swarmed by
hornets in my own home did I think man I wish
I had a paintball gun. I bet that would do it
to him Maybe he thought the paint will like go
over their bodies and make them like die. Yeah.
Well Um, so I guess the only one that would be
close to that for me that I have on my list here
is sometimes I worry that I could die by eating
too many Benadryl. Allergies, bees. Oh, okay,
okay. I take a lot of Benadryl. I've built up
an inhuman tolerance over the years, but I take
a lot of Benadryl to live because I'm allergic
to animals and I have animals and I'd rather
die than not have animals, you know? I get that.
Speaking of dying. Yeah, but sometimes I take
a lot. And I'm like, man, if I OD, this is gonna
be the most embarrassing shit in the world. You
know, I would hate to go out like that. Benadryl?
Speaking of OD. Okay, hit me. I like that we
have a good flow going. So this guy died of a
heart attack after himself, his wife, and his
mistress all put three different Viagra pills
into his drink. You have to communicate. Communication
is so important in relationships, honestly. It
was Diagra. I hope that marketing guy got a job
after they said goodbye to the show. You have
to communicate. This sex is so dangerous. I have
a lot of sex related things. Most of them, I
feel like most of the ones I remember, which
I only have one more from the show, were sex
related. But like you have, was this a threesome
situation do we know or was it? Didn't research
I'm assuming if it were all at the same time
like if that's why he like died because he had
three Viagra Yeah, he was probably like threesome
with like my wife and my mistress like this I
gotta be hard for this and then the wife's just
like You've got to be hard. You've got to be
hard for this and the mistress is like you've
got to be hard for this As I'm I'm picturing
in a different way. I'm picturing it as this
guy is cheating on his wife He has a miss because
for them to call her mistress. I'm thinking wife
doesn't know You know what I mean? Okay. Because
otherwise, it's a thrup. Right. And so I'm thinking,
Guy is like, I'm gonna go see my mistress. Doesn't
take a Viagra because he's attracted to the hot
young thing. But the mistress is like, you're
not doing it for me granddad. So she gives him
a Viagra. They bang it out, right? He gets home.
He gets home. So he takes a Viagra because some
dudes, it's harder for them to reboot. So like
he takes a Viagra on his own and his wife Unbeknownst
about the the affair is like he's never hard
I really need to get some tonight gives him a
Viagra in his beef stew So he's taking a Viagra
on the way home. He just had a Viagra at Wendy's
house He's going his wife is giving him a Viagra.
That's what I think. I think it's I like that
one Yeah, I think that makes more sense. Yeah,
I mean I love the idea of them just ODing him
on Viagra I think the accident makes sense to
me Do you want to hear another sex related hilarious?
You know what? Yeah, you do that one. And then
I'll do my last sex related one from thousand
ways to die, which is also my last thousand.
Okay, this one is called Ica boned. So both of
them. Right. Okay. So the guy died of a heart
attack because of the shock of finally having
sex with his wife. And it was so great. It's
so exciting. And he just couldn't handle it.
So speaking of shocks, can you imagine just like
having sex and having a fucking heart attack
as you just like so excited? No. No, I cannot
it's not that exciting. I've never once been
like I'm gonna die So the last thousand ways
to die when I have also speaking of shock. Uh
-huh. Um, I called this one cow heart you have
it I have this okay I'll you'll explain it and
then I'll tell you what this is fully which is
what I remember So you can fill in some blanks
here probably um So what I remember was this
guy was working in some place where they had
like experiments going or like They had animals
organs and this cow heart was electrified And
he decided that he should put his penis in it
so he did but because there were like Electric
currents weren't running through it He was electrocuted.
It's hard to forget that you know, it was called
heart on Love that. Love it. So accidentally
electrocuted himself to death while having sex
with a cow's heart as it was attached to a car
battery Okay Yeah, if I remember correctly, it
was like he was working somewhere and they had
like stuff like this and he just I just understand
human beings and he probably attached it to the
car battery to make it feel alive. So it's like
fucking a live organ. I don't think that's right.
I think it was something where he worked and
they were doing experiments or something and
they had it to like for electric. Hey, hey, Greg.
Anyways, tell me another one. This one's this
one's my favorite and I feel like it really resonates
with us. Okay. It's called Frightmare. Died of
a heart attack after being frightened by a nightmare.
That would certainly happen to me. A hundred
percent. That would happen to me. There's so
many times where I wake up, like my heart is
like pounding and I'm like, I woke up screaming.
This is it. Um, just the other day I told you,
I woke up, I slept like all day long. I was,
I was really, really tired. And then it was like,
I slept too long. You know, so then you get like
a headache. Yeah feel good with headache I did
wake up at one point I took my mouth guard out.
So I probably was grinding my teeth I know I
was snoring like even Justin was like it took
me hours to go sleep and When I woke up my sinuses
burned so I was I knew it it was because my sinuses
dried out But I woke up when I finally did wake
up. It was because I felt myself going into sleep
paralysis. So I went Sometimes that's what I
do. I love that you can wake yourself up from
that because I cannot. I can't always. Okay,
I can't always. But I think because I had been
sleeping so long that I was like in a really
weird place in REM sleep, I could kind of realize
what was happening because I should have been
awake already. You know what I mean? I wasn't
fully as back to sleep yet. And it started to
happen. I was like, I need to know that I literally
like pop up like a jacket. No, I really want
you to put a camera in your room Cuz I would
love to see that. No, you don't no, you don't
no, you don't no, you don't but yeah I could
definitely see myself. Do you got something similar?
I have a sleep. I have a sleep related one Okay,
so I think the dumb way that I could die that
I've been trying to avoid my whole life has been
sleep driving Let me explain. I've never been
a sleepwalker or anything, but my dad was a very
terrible sleepwalker um when he was a kid and
he's always had really bad insomnia and stuff
and when i was um i don't know like maybe 12
13 somewhere in that age range so he started
sleepwalking again so yeah i've always been like
man i hope i don't sleep drive and die because
i have sleep shit too because yeah you know i
i relate sleep drive all right this is called
m bear assed a bear mauled and eaten alive by
a bear after trying to have sex with it. I already
said the one I have about the wild animal. I
do have one that I know there were episodes of
A Thousand Ways to Die about, but I'm sure there
were more than one. Fucking firecrackers, man.
Oh, yeah, I saw that when I didn't put it on
this. Yeah. Well, I just always thought like,
man, I would hate to die of firecrackers. That's
why I don't set them off. No. First of all, I
don't understand the appeal of firecrackers at
all. I don't get it. Why do you want to pretend
that like it's nom? I don't understand. But even
if you do, even if you do. I'm not talking about
people who like there's something wrong with
the firework and it went off and you're not,
you know, you tried to do everything safely and
they fucked up. Yeah, that's not what I mean
here. I mean people who are holding it idiots
and you don't let fucking go. Yeah, or you like
juggle them. And I know I dated a guy who was
very like a fucking pyromaniac over these fireworks.
And I was, I hated it because he would do that
kind of shit. And we had to like wrestle fireworks
away from him all the time. Like he just had
a fucking death wish. It doesn't have to be this
way. I even get nervous with sprinklers. sparklers
what he said the antithesis of a firework i'm
gonna irrigate myself to death honestly i'm melting
i burnt my hand really bad on a sparkler when
i was a kid so i don't like them either um that's
what i was trying to say i know okay maybe we'll
die so this is called sex ray okay died of radiation
poisoning after his doctor had sex with a nurse
repeated and accidentally repeatedly press the
button to turn on the x -ray over his head? I
have one that's actually related to doctors and
x -rays. Wow. Breaking a bone and not going to
the doctor, which I have done, and I learned
after I did it that it can like, the broken bone,
it can release kind of like toxins into your
bloodstream. I don't know exactly how this works
and I did not research it. Like again for this,
but it can be really bad like fragments of the
bone And I learned that like a month after I
broke my ankle and I didn't go to the doctor
So hindsight's 20 -20. I fell down some stairs.
I I heard my ankle just And I couldn't stand
up when I cuz I you know, I fall a lot I am used
to just help I fall and I can't get up Yeah,
I do that a lot or as I like to call it eat ass
I told you that story, right? No. No? When, um,
so I know the phrases eat shit. Yeah, I get that.
Um, it was when we had like a family Disney trip,
like with Mike and his family. Okay. Someone
at like we were, someone just like fell real
hard. And I looked over, I was like, wow, they
ate ass. Like, what did you say? I was like,
So now everyone just says you're eating ass instead
of each shit influencer Yeah, no, I fall down
a lot so like I was like well It was a condo
that had stairs and an elevator and I took the
stairs should have done that Felt down the first
flight of stairs, crack, but I'm like, maybe
that's not what I thought it was. I crack a lac
all the time, could not be that bad. Went to
get up, absolutely just fell right back down.
So I crawled into the elevator and went down
to, I was going down to my car to get something.
And I went down to my car and I crawled out of
the elevator, out onto the street and pulled
myself into my car and sat in there for like
15 minutes and like just got it together. Maybe
15, 20 minutes. My ankle was like... complex
so swollen. It was terrible. And I was like,
yeah, I fell down the stairs, but I'm so fine.
That's like, I'm so cool. Just let me wrap it
up. But it was broken. It was definitely fucking
broken. I just didn't want to go to hospital.
A few weeks later, when it it, you know, it was
fine. It healed up pretty quick, but I realized
that I really could have fucked myself up. So
this one is Kathy accidentally choked to death
on a fish. Fish. eventually died after becoming
trapped inside Cathy's throat. Just like just
how they had that. Amazing. Cracked me up. So
she ate a live fish. She ate a live fish. Did
you see that video that was like circulating
of the woman who like put a fit a live fish in
her vagina? And I wish I don't wish to see it.
The closest thing I have to that is I'm afraid
I might die eating an expired condiment. So I'm
like that, but just like with everything like
it doesn't matter who I'm with or where I'm at.
I will check the date. That's good because I'm
so afraid to get sick. I'm I will throw shit
away if it's questionable if it's passive. Absolutely.
I'm tossing it so hit me with your last one.
I'm excited. Okay. Died of a heart attack after
laughing too hard, which I felt like I was just
about to do that's great And honestly, it's probably
how I will die. I hope that's how you guys die
I will be I will be recording this podcast with
you cracking up laughing crying dead I actually
put on here that this wasn't what I was gonna
end with but I put on here laughing to death
because of an asthma attack Sometimes when I
laugh really hard like how you were just laughing
really hard I throw myself into an asthma attack
because my asthma is so bad and man if I can't
get my inhaler giggled to death. I feel like
I'm gonna have a brain aneurysm when I laugh.
My head gets like so like... I don't know how
to describe it. I don't know. I was about to
say full. Like it's so much pressure in my head
when I laugh that it starts to hurt. You may
want to get that checked out. That doesn't sound
correct. That also happens when I just bend down.
That happens to me sometimes. Not all the time,
though. Alright, well the last one I had, because
I only said the asthma one because you just said
that, was... I wrote it down as eating bleach.
Let me explain. I do clean a lot, and I... i
clean with very harsh chemicals all the time
and i have no worries about i will wipe my stove
down with wipes and then cook noodles immediately
i just mean like immediate like i have no concern
over like oh this could get in my food absolutely
none i should probably so but justin hates it
like there's chemicals all over everywhere like
containers of cleaners and he's just he puts
everything away before he cooks And I'm like,
stop putting my stuff away. I need it to clean,
you know, but I should probably be more concerned
about it, but I'm not. And that would really
be a dumb way to go. I cleaned my kitchen so
hard that I poisoned myself. I mean, well, think
about that one episode of My Strange Addiction
who like drank a capful of bleach like every
day. Yeah, she didn't die. Not right away. She
didn't she didn't die from the inside out. It's
not good You got if you don't don't drink bleach
should probably like go back the other way a
little bit I should be afraid of eating chemicals
and I'm not as afraid as I should be. Yeah. Yeah,
that's that's really it So like my OCD is like
I have to like I wash my hands all the time But
even after I clean yeah, so like if I'm using
a Clorox wipe, I have to wash my hands out See,
I don't do that as much as I should Like cuz
I don't want to put that on my face now like
the surfaces thing like I'll eat off of it I
don't think about it that way. Yeah, but I think
about it as I don't want this on my hands or
on my face see I only think about that with like
Things that I would clean up not the things that
I clean up with right, you know I mean and that
also goes to like like when I clean my tub Yeah,
I will soak it in bleach Like I will put bleach
in it and then fill it up with hot water. So
it's just hot water. It's hot bleach water. I
let it soak and then you get it. And then I'm
like, I wash it out. Like I rinse it out for
like 15 minutes, right? So you don't get any
bleach on. So I don't get any. See, I don't really
clean my tub with bleach, but I use chemicals
and then I rinse it out and then I put bleach
in it. I like sit with bleach. I love the smell
of bleach. I don't mind it like in chlorine and
pools. Delish. Okay. Um, the only other ones
I had were ones from like, uh, final destination
tanning beds. Oh yeah. Skin cancer slash getting
fried, which those girls did. And was it three?
I think it was three. Yeah. And then the log
truck. Oh yeah. The log truck forever. I will
not drive behind one. Nope. So if nothing else,
our millennial childhoods really taught us a
lot of the ways that we could go. Rational or
not. and we hope that you've enjoyed us sharing
them with you and maybe this has made you laugh
a little made you rethink your cleaning strategies
a little bit made you rethink using a paintball
gun on a hornet's nest yeah and just made you
not be too afraid to die but also be a little
careful be careful make wise decisions yeah don't
fuck a heart attached to some electricity. Don't
do that. And I think that's a good way to end
it. I do too. I hope you guys have had a great
time with us destigmatizing death and being a
part of 30 dirty and dying. We'll be back next
week with more bitchin content. I'm Clarissa.
I'm Courtney. See you on the flippity flip. Bye!