I'm Clarissa. I'm Courtney. And this is 30 Dirty
and Dying. And we're back, baby, for another
episode. Baby! Yeah. We hope you guys are enjoying
the season so far. But yeah, thanks for sticking
with us for season seven. We hope you're having
a bitchin' time so far. We're having a bitchin'
time recording them. We really are. We really
enjoy doing this for you guys. And this is the
season of favorite things and our favorite things
to do and talk about. So we hope that you're
feeling the faves as well. And today we're going
to do a real talk, which we do really enjoy doing.
Which is why we're doing it. Yeah, because it's
our favorite things. Yeah, and one of my favorite
things to talk about is mental health. Because
I think, you know, I like the idea of destigmatizing.
mental health and making it more of a day -to
-day conversation and it really does it affects
everybody you know so especially i think getting
to this this stage of life because you're i think
you should probably be getting more real about
what your experience is good bad etc and it's
good to be honest with yourself about what is
happening Mentally, emotionally, whatever. And
we're here to unpack that and make you not feel
so alone. Because mental health is for everybody.
You don't have to have a mental illness to prioritize
your mental health. And it affects a lot of things.
And that's what we're going to talk about today.
One specific thing. Right, Courtney? Yes. Because
as you said, one of your favorite things is talking
about mental health. One of my favorite things
is talking about relationships. And people...
Love that. Some of our most popular episodes
ever are about love and relationships and dating.
And some of our most popular real talks are mental
health related as well. So we are pen pineapple
apple penning right now. Are we? Do you know
that song? I have a pen. I have an apple. Apple
pen. I have a pen. I have a pineapple. Pineapple
pen. Apple pen. Pineapple pen. Uh. Pen pineapple.
Apple pen. I hate the way you're saying uh. Yeah,
no, I haven't heard that fucking banger. When
we're done with this, I will show you. Okay.
It's on my like songs on Spotify, the extended
version. It's on Spotify? Yeah. Pen Pineapple
Apple Pen. Okay. So we're Pen Pineapple Apple
Penning mental health and relationships. Yeah.
I need therapy after that. And we're going to
be talking about how mental health affects relationships
or your love life or anything like that. Yeah.
How mental health, your own mental health or
your partners can affect how you're getting through
a relationship or navigating different. eras
of your love life, whether it's dating, long
-term relationships, marriage, whatever. Marriage.
Marriage is, I don't know. It brings us together
today. Princess Bride? Yeah. I've never watched
it. I've seen parts of it. I love how I'm quoting
it and expecting you to know this. No, I know
what it is. When I myself have not. I think I've
seen it, but not much. I more know the part that
was like, you killed my dad. Prepare to die.
Yep, that part. So, real talk today. And because
we're talking about mental health, we tried to
pick a back in time year that correlated to our
mental health journeys. And though I would consider
myself previously to be a happy person, I was
like, I enjoyed life for the most part. I was,
like, more outgoing. I would say I was happy.
I didn't, like, I was not depressed. Like, I
got sad. Like, I had bad boyfriends who made
me sad. But otherwise, I was - You also had a
lot of trauma in your life that you were just,
like, straight up ignoring. Yeah, well, you know.
Anyways. Shit's gonna get you. But then 2020
happened. Yep. And I found out I had Crohn's,
a disease that I have to deal with for the rest
of my life. And then I became depressed. I also
think that 2020 is a good year for us to go back
in time because a lot of people had to deal with
their mental health in 2020 because of the circumstances
of the world. Yes. So even if you were ignoring
your trauma, like Courtney did, you know, things
that you can pass off as everyday, like just
little quirks. or idiosyncrasies or whatever
when we all got trapped in our houses there it
was really hard to ignore some stuff so we thought
we'd go back to 2020 and talk about um what that
experience was like for us with our mental health
and just the state of things um really pivotal
year for you and your life experience why don't
you tell us about it yeah well first i want to
say that i really tried to like research things
that happened in 2020 that wasn't covid yeah
like it wasn't political And wasn't COVID. Yeah.
Well, you guys know when we do Back in Time,
it varies, right? Sometimes we talk a lot about
pop culture. Sometimes we talk a lot about news
and historical events. Sometimes we just talk
about our experiences and what we were doing.
So this, you know, this might be a little bit
more on that end of the spectrum. Of our experiences,
just because we don't need to get into it. We
all know what happened in 2020. Yeah. And, you
know, obviously we'll relate our experiences
to what was happening. But since, especially
the nature of today's episode. So we're going
to be a little more personal this time. Yeah.
So, I mean, obviously I've talked about this
before. 2020 is when I found out that I had Crohn's
disease. Right. Going through a medical journey
in 2020 when it was just scary to be out in the
world anyways. Yeah. Especially at like hospitals
and stuff. Exactly. And I had to do it alone
because you couldn't have people with you. Mm
-hmm. So I was admitted to a hospital and no
one could come. I was alone thinking I was about
to have surgery. Yeah. Like, because they thought
something was like horribly wrong. Yeah, didn't
they look and see a lot of inflammation and thought
it might be like a blockage or something crazy?
Like appendix or like something crazy. Like emergency
surgery level. Yeah, but my GI was just like,
oh no, it's just Crohn's, you can go home. Yeah.
Cool, love that for me. And I can never go back.
Yeah. Well, and it completely changed how you
live your life. I mean. The ways you have to
think about, you know, your diet, your life,
your medical concerns, the medications you have
to be on. I'm on. The fact that your liver almost
fucking failed because your doctor was too lazy
to look at it. Which has made me, I've thought
about that so much since we talked about that
when we were on break and you were telling me
about, like, your liver updates. um because this
is just how we talk in real life guys this is
our real life you know bringing it to you on
the internet as well and like i've thought so
much about how fucked up it is that it was like
your liver was in such bad shape and because
the because the medicine i was on yes and the
fact that that is not one of the first things
that that your doctor that you've had previously
thought of because you're on these crazy medications
Yeah. I'm like, I am fully aware that I have
gained a lot of weight because of the steroids,
because I was able to eat for the first time
in a long time, because I have no self -control,
whatever. I could have gained less weight, but
it's fine. And I can understand that probably
had something to do with it. Yes. But not the
only thing. And that's what I'm saying. That's
what is so infuriating and why the medical stuff
can be so infuriating, because it's like, it's
just one of those things that happens to people
who are overweight. is one of those things that
happens a lot to women is like doctors will think
of one thing that is like this is probably it's
fine they take occam's razor way too far of like
the most likely explanation and they don't even
think of what the most likely explanation is
they just look at what they see first which is
like fat lady like when i go in places which
i don't go to the doctor much but anytime i do
i'm so like i feel like i need to write a preamble
about like i understand that I am fat. I understand
that I have a lot of extra weight. I understand
that comes with health problems. But I'm pretty
sure this is different. Please look at this differently.
Yeah, I mean, he did some, like, lab work to
make sure it wasn't other things that not just
fat. Yeah. But it wouldn't come up because it
was the medicine. Well, and that's what's so
crazy to me because, to me, if I'm thinking Occam's
razor for this, like, the most likely explanation
is probably the explanation. It's like, You're
on medications, crazy strong medications and
a wild cocktail of them. Your liver tends to
get fucked up when you have a lot of extra chemical
and substances that it has to filter through.
My first thought as a doctor prescribing those
substances would maybe be, I wonder if this medicinal
cocktail she's on is too strong for her liver.
The fatty liver, maybe that's not helping. But
is that what's causing this giant spike all of
a sudden? I don't know. It's annoying. But the
fact that, yeah, it's just like. So as soon as
I went to my new GI doctor. Yeah. She was just
like, when I told her about that, she was like,
well, this medicine can cause that. I'm like.
Exactly. Okay, thank you. I love you. That's
what I'm saying. And she was like, yeah, like
you don't have to take it. Yeah. But yeah, it's
like getting into that medical world. really
happened for you then so i can relate a little
bit but not nearly as much i mean i obviously
had some mental health um things that just again
being my whole world changed and like a lot of
my obsession and obsessive compulsive yeah started
to come up like i've always had ocd and after
getting treated and and seeking therapy for it
it became very fucking obvious that i've always
had ocd like why didn't somebody take me to a
doctor when i was a kid touching stuff weird
and being like if i don't do it this many times
it'll be terrible but a lot of because we were
so worried about like germs and contamination
and cleanliness. Ten times worse. Yeah. Once
I realized that I couldn't just let that go.
You know what I mean? So some of that stuff really
started to come out for me. That even, I think
it accentuates, like, I wasn't as bad with, like,
putting on sanitizer and washing my hands as
I am now. Same. And, like, yeah, I was diagnosed
with OCD when I started going to therapy and
stuff like that. It's not to, like, A horrible
extent or anything like that. I mean, I'm functional.
Last night, I was bowling and eating at the same
time. And I almost put sanitizer on each time.
I would probably. I carry sanitizer around with
me all the time. Oh, yeah. Same. Yeah. It's everywhere.
And I'm just like, I don't want to touch this.
I'm afraid. People are like, yeah, I'm wearing
gloves. My hands are not clean. Yep. But yeah,
it's like, but it came from because of what was
going on in the world. that side of it and again
I did I washed my hands I was always very clean
like like I've always been cleaning the house
but it did get worse because I had more time
to sit with my own thoughts something else for
2020 that I know you probably want to talk about
that's kind of semi -recent uh because TikTok
was it really had its moment in 2020 because
again everybody was home and Bored in the house.
Yeah. In the house, bored. And recently. Now,
look, we're pre -recording this, just full disclosure,
like literally a day before the band is supposed
to go in place. So if something happens in the
11th hour, this will not reflect that. Right.
But as of right now, as of recording, it's supposed
to be banned tomorrow. And I, before I came over
here to record this, I spent like 40 minutes.
Going through the people I followed on TikTok
and started following them on Instagram. Because
I'm like, what if I never see them again? And,
like, I was really sad. Because, like, bond is
a weird thing to say. But, like, I have, like,
come across, like, people on TikTok I care about.
Well, sure. Like, because they post their lives
on social media. And, like. I feel like I know
them and I want to, to know how they're doing.
Yeah. And that's weird. It's, this is a weird
life we live, especially with social media because
like, I don't know these people. I've never met
them and I never will meet them. Yeah. But like
they've shared on these media platforms that
like, I want to continue following them. Well,
I always think about it like a lot of times when
a really pivotal like show ends. People will
get really upset and attached. Like when Friends
ended or like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
When people who really enjoyed it. Yeah. And
everybody watched it and it was like this huge
thing. Think about if a million of your favorite
shows or book series or movie series ended. On
the same day. At the same time. It would be like.
Because you get emotionally attached to things.
Yeah. And you are. You are invested in things.
In entertainment. So I don't. I don't think that
that's. I understand where you're coming from.
And that like. I started reading. Because of
book talk. Yeah. And like all of. I think I had
a little bit to do with it. But you surprised.
But like all of the books. That were like recommended
to me. Like I never would have. Yeah. It's like
a whole nother side. That I will never see again.
Yeah. Like, where am I going to get book recommendations?
Yeah. I can't help you with the sex. I really
can't. I do have a friend, another friend who
reads a lot of different books, but she doesn't
also read smut. So I can... I can make a connect,
if you like, but that's the best I can do. Well,
my friend Melissa also. Okay, so good. But still.
There are other communities, like Bookstagram
is a thing, but it's different. It's different.
I understand that. And certainly ever since,
at least for me, ever since like around 2020
and the first couple years after that, it became
a big part of pop culture. It became a part of
a lot of people's day -to -day lives. Like Vine.
A lot of people's... earning you know creators
and and businesses so it's it's definitely something
that's been in the conversation in a lot of people's
day -to -day lives ever since 2020 ish so i get
it yeah because i well like after vine obviously
vine tragic yeah um and then musically which
is now tiktok yeah um i was not about it i'm
like this is real dumb um And like, I was like,
I'm never going to download this. Yeah. Absolutely
never. And when it turned to TikTok, I'm like,
that's a stupid name. I'm never going to like,
it's never going to be mine. Yeah. Um, and then
2020 happened and I'm like, I'm like, Mike still
worked. Yeah. And he worked because of, they
could only, I think it was only like four of
them just rotating shifts. Yeah. So I was alone
a lot and this was before I read. So I'm like,
what am I? I'm like, I'm going to fucking download
it. Yeah. And I downloaded it and I got attached
and it's a whole thing and I'm going to cry.
Well, it changed the landscape, you know, it
really did. So I think it's, it's under, I think
a lot of people probably feel the exact same
way as you. I mean, I have like, I'll get over
it. Obviously I'll get over it. And then again,
I followed a bunch of people on Instagram and
stuff like that. And there's like other apps
that are kind of being developed right now to
like be the next TikTok, which if I see that
that might be a thing, I might add onto it. But.
If you follow me on Instagram, I posted a lot
of videos about it. Obviously, there are things
that we get more into on our individual platforms.
But you can probably understand that a lot of
people are saying a lot of things as to why this
sucks. And all I will say is there are way more
important things going on that should be focused
on. It certainly feels that way. It certainly
feels that way. And that's all I'll say about
that. Yeah. It's tough stuff. Yeah. It's tough
stuff. Do you want to go out with some shows?
Was it, uh, frickin', uh, fuck, what's it called?
I don't know. Uh, the guy with the tigers? Tiger
King. Did Tiger King come out in 2020? Was it
2020? Yeah, it had to have, right? Fuck yeah!
It had to, wait, huh? Carole Baskin killed her
husband, whacked him. Can't convince me that
it didn't happen. March 2020. Yes! Uh, Tiger
King. That was something that brought us all
together. It really brought us all together.
Dude, I remember sitting down and watching that.
Oh, yeah. And Justin and I watching that. And
we were both like, I don't know. Everybody's
talking about this. We'll probably watch one
episode and be over it. And then it was like...
You had to watch all of it. We were so invested.
Oh, yeah. It was really something. I just want
to... Because he's in jail still. I just want
to know how he comments on things on social media.
i don't know ratchet show came out on netflix
oh the nurse ratchet yeah i watched that i hated
it oh i was not a fan yeah it's fine if you liked
it it's okay emily in paris i watched the first
season i've never watched it but i've heard good
things fbi most wanted um hollywood also was
ryan murphy thing it was okay the great with
uh what's your face l fanning the outsider The
Stephen King book that they made a show. Yeah.
I don't think I read it, but I don't think I
watched it. I haven't read it yet, but I watched
some of it. And then I always was like, I want
to read it. So I would stop watching it. And
then I would repeat that process a few times.
Hey, thanks for listening to 30 Dirty and Dying.
The show for millennials by millennials. We get
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Now back to the show. All right. So today we
are talking about mental health and how mental
health can impact relationships in your love
life. We're just going to talk about how we can
relate to this topic. And if you guys can relate
to it this way as well, or it starts a conversation
for you, that's awesome. So I don't know. Do
you have anything in particular that when some
of your existential stuff started to happen with
your physical health? How that related to your
mental health. Did you notice like shifts in
your relationship with Mike? Well, like Mike's
not like an emotional guy. Sure. And he doesn't
know how to comfort. So I wouldn't necessarily
say that it was like, I just felt, I guess I
felt more alone. I got you. Because he couldn't
understand. And I wasn't getting the comfort
that I needed. I can totally get where you're
coming from there. Not in my current relationship,
but I can relate. When I first started having
troubles with my mental health, I was in a relationship.
And one of the absolute worst parts of going
through that, in addition to just like the absolute
mental warfare that I was under and having an
actual breakdown, was the stigma that we talk
about a lot. I was really feeling that deeply
because... You know, mental health was not discussed.
Mental health was not talked about. And no one
could really relate to me. And I felt like I
could relate to no one. And the relationship
I was in, I didn't even realize how much worse
that relationship made that experience until
I got into a different kind of relationship.
Yeah. But that person that I was with just like
didn't fucking get it. And didn't try to get
it, is the thing. It wasn't just out of like
a lack of... skill like you're talking about
with mike um yeah because his his isn't on purpose
yeah like it's not like he's like oh you can
deal with that yourself like he found ways of
his own but you guys found a way to bridge the
gap right and like for me that didn't happen
if nothing else i now know that like mental health
and how mental health is related to within a
romantic relationship is like really important
for me it's one of my like deal breaker type
things like that has to be something we can identify
on and agree on and and really be there for each
other which justin and i definitely are but the
reason i know that is because of going through
the opposite yeah like i got diagnosed with ptsd
and this person was like i don't think you have
ptsd because what happened to you wasn't even
that bad um when i told this person what one
of the things a couple of different things go
and go into my personal PTSD diagnosis. But one
of the major things that happened to me when
I told this person, which it took a lot for me
to tell this person, they said, yeah, I figured
you're just kind of textbook. And that was the,
I mean, that fucking killed me because like one
of the things that I hated was feeling like a
statistic. Yeah. And it was just. it was just
a bad experience it was just a bad experience
all the way around and anything that i was going
through first of all to know that someone didn't
even notice or care right was hard because like
being in the relationship i've been now with
someone who is very conscious so how is his response
to that because i'm sure you told him um he was
you know very supportive not pushy and like but
what is it you know very at your own pace right
if you're comfortable like you can talk to me
about this exactly and very understanding like
without me having to say very much but the day
-to -day thing about having certain mental health
problems it's like sometimes i will be in maybe
on the brink of a major depressive episode or
I'm, this is not the clinical term, but like
spiraling, like obsessing or something like that.
And he notices and will be like, what's up? How
can I help? Or like tough love a little bit,
but not in a mean way, but like, hey, you got
to stop because this is what you're doing. It's
not about what you're talking about. You're on
the edge here. You're spiraling. He sees some
things before I even see them. And is supportive.
And it doesn't make me feel badly about what
I'm going through. I mean, sometimes, I'm not
saying it doesn't cause arguments. We'll get
into that. But in general, it's not about shaming
me for what I'm going through. It's understanding
what I'm going through on a very deep level and
trying to help. Or at the very least, trying
to... I can't think of a better word than this,
but like get my head in the game a little bit.
Like realize what's happening so that I can deal
effectively. Yes. So that I can deal effectively
because sometimes you can run away with things.
Yeah. So it is, it feels more like someone's
on your team and it makes a big difference. Yeah.
Troy Bolton. Look at me. But yeah, so it's a
big difference. Does the team stand for Troy?
No, it stands for thanks for the memories. So
the difference is, is really. stark but it doesn't
mean it's always perfect yeah yeah but i don't
know what what if some of your especially i know
you said that was something that you didn't feel
super supported on but i won't even say supported
because like he did things like his own way yeah
but not in the way that like i really needed
it but like he's still like he was there for
me like um like if like he did more things around
the house like yeah it was like he just kind
of picked up where i left off but maybe not emotional
i do think the more that i'm talking about it
though with him the more that he is realizing
that he's also not okay really see that's that's
sort of what i was like it does i don't want
to say he still refuses you need to get like
somebody who's just as fucked up as you that's
not what i'm talking about what i am saying is
it's just like anything else if someone can relate
to you You have a good bond. Yes. Yes. It doesn't
mean you can't, you know, opposites can attract.
It doesn't mean you have to have the exact same
level of experience. Of course not. But there
are things that you, it's easier to bridge the
gap if you can relate on some level. And like
you're saying, sometimes you can realize that
just from trying to be there for each other.
Yeah. And another thing I feel like has affected,
like I, because I gained so much weight, I am
very down on myself. could mike do a better job
of just calling me pretty because he's just not
that type of guy yeah so like i i get upset and
then i have to tell myself he's not doing it
on purpose yeah he's just not that guy he's not
gonna like wake up in the morning be like oh
he looks so beautiful let me write you a song
like i mean i wish you would but like i know
you're not going to you're not that guy you're
not that guy but honestly you don't want that
guy No. Well, mid. I would like a little bit.
But the guy that would do it all the time is
not the guy. No. But it's like sometimes you
want things that you don't have. I need a little.
Yeah. Like if I wear something new, like, oh,
you look really pretty in that. Yeah. So like,
obviously I feel really bad about myself. I gain
a lot of weight. I don't feel good. I don't look
pretty in my head. I think you're gorgeous. Thank
you. So therefore, he thinks I'm atrocious. Right?
That's what your brain does. That's what my brain
does. Yeah, I can relate. And I'm like, If I
think I'm this bad, again, it's like my head
is telling me all of these things. This is why
I say mental health is for everybody, right?
Because your mental health affects how you feel
about yourself and how you view yourself and
your own confidence, whether it's physical or
if you like yourself or if you would want to
spend time with you. So if you're having troubles
there, which I hate to fucking break this to
you guys, that's mental health. Even if you don't
have something that you can get a diagnosis for.
You still have mental health. Like, even if your
arm isn't broken, you still have an arm. You
know? You still have physical health. It's the
same diff. And, like, if you're having anything,
like self -esteem problems, or if you're just
kind of feeling down on yourself, or you're feeling
insecure, or... you're angry about something
and it's really affecting your outlook on anything
and everything, it's going to affect things that
you're not thinking about, including how you
interact with other people, in particular, your
partner. Yes. And I've certainly had that happen.
So I can relate to that. I think a lot of people
can. And if he was more outwardly affectionate,
if he was more verbally affectionate, Would it
have been as bad? Probably not. Maybe. But you
know. But I don't know. And how the mental health
affected this the most. Again, we've been together
for a long time. Yeah. So he was never like that.
So that was an issue. But because I kind of was
mentally okay, it wasn't as bad. Yeah. I didn't
see it as that big of a problem. Yeah. But when
I'm so down on myself. And I no longer have great
mental, like... A view of yourself. Right. It
became a problem. Yep. I think that happens to
a lot of people, right? And here's the thing.
Every relationship, a long -term relationship,
if you're in a long -term relationship out there,
a marriage, whatever, or you've been in one and
it didn't go so hot, you know that... It's really
normal to ebb and flow. Sometimes you're gonna
be all over each other. Sometimes you're not
gonna touch for months. It just happens. But
sometimes when you're able to look back and do
some dissection and figure out, okay, what was
behind this, you realize that, hey, that had
to do with where I was at mentally or emotionally
or where my partner was at mentally or emotionally.
And it can really make a difference, you know?
Like we've had that. I think for me personally,
one thing that I didn't realize was until semi
-recently, honestly, was I had some... some things
related to past intimacy that wasn't so great
and healthy. Um, that I, I never really took
the time to think about, uh, and doing a little
bit of, because I've been really in tune with
my mental health. I haven't had a fucking choice.
Right. I've been able to be like, Oh, this is
probably because of some stuff that I've dealt
with, with past. experiences that aren't so good
and um traumatic stuff and what can i do yeah
i can go back to therapy i can try to figure
it out but also i should we should talk about
this and sometimes we do yeah well i mean think
about my past experiences with just relationships
in general yeah in past relationships and the
way that i was treated i being able to step back
and like even just growing up yeah i have realized
why i treated other people the the way that i
did like not friends but like other partners
yeah in a way because i was assuming they would
treat me the same way yeah 100 it's like why
do you think this way about what whatever yeah
and sometimes it's about intimacy sometimes just
relationships in general and i'm like oh that
fucking guy whatever it was because when you
have some of these really early life experiences
like early adulthood experiences romantically
like relationships and influence from media family
whatever you get these preconceived notions about
relationships and also your value as a person
as a woman and where you fall and how you sure
should be how you deserve to be treated right
Period. And that can impact you in ways that
even if you logically know, I don't deserve to
be treated that way, we can fall into bad habits.
And sometimes those bad habits are formed because
of our own self -talk, our own mental health
issues that we might not have even gotten to
that deeper level on yet. Yeah, even to this
day. Mike's not cheating on me. Yeah. But because
of... I hope. I guess I would never know. Fingies
crossed, I guess. But because of my past, I get
into these, like, cycles in my head of, like,
who is he texting? Yeah. Why is he being quiet?
Like, he texts me, I'm staying late at work tonight.
That makes sense because of where he works. Duh.
Yeah. Is there a girl there? Is he going to a
girl's house? Again, that's self -talk because
of your own personal stuff. I know for a fact
he's not doing anything. But even if he was,
it becomes about, like, I don't even think that
the reason we say these things to ourselves or
the reason we fall into these habits are because
we're actually afraid of that. Maybe we are,
maybe we're not, uncertain. But in general, and
I've only recently realized because of some things
that I'm doing, that I'm like, what the fuck?
Why am I doing this? It's out of this, like,
self -protection. Because if we can... figure
something out if we can get ahead of it we can
protect ourselves and it's like what are we protecting
ourselves from right and i not not in the protecting
thing but i was saying i don't know i don't know
exactly how this came up for us semi -recently
but i we got into something over uh an exchange
we've been having an awful lot and something
that i was doing that quite frankly was a little
bit toxic um just like sort of it almost felt
like like it doesn't even matter whatever That
kind of vibe. I was doing that an awful lot.
And then when we actually like had a fight about
it because it was happening so much, I said something
that I was like, oh my God, I just cracked my
own head open like a walnut because it was like,
because what I want doesn't matter. And I really
feel that way a lot. It's not me putting that
onto him. I mean, I do it. I do that. But really,
I don't think that what I want matters. So I'm
projecting that onto other things and other people.
it affects how I move through my relationship.
Sometimes. I mean that, not that, so similarly.
Yeah. As a, like a people pleaser. I'm not even
a people pleaser. It's fucking crazy. With the,
like my opinion doesn't matter. Yeah. Like when,
when Mike and I are just trying to think of a
place to eat, I will not think of myself. Yeah.
And it gets us into a fight. Yeah. Because he
was like, I don't care. And I hear. That he cares.
Yeah. Which, again, my mind plays tricks on me.
So, like, he says he doesn't care. I'm like,
well, obviously you fucking care. Yeah. And then
I get mad. And he was like, why can't you just
choose something? Like, if we just get into this.
And I'm talking to my therapist about it. And
she was like, you really need to just make a
decision. Yeah. I'm like, I can't make a decision
because I don't want it to be unhappy. And that's
not even just like my relationship with Mike.
It's my relationship with friends. Yeah. No,
you do it to me all the fucking time. I know.
Like, I can't because I don't want to upset you.
Yeah. Well, like, I'm going to roundhouse kick
you in the face if you want burritos. Um, something
that I am. have worked on with my therapist and
that i actually did a good job of and she was
proud of hell yeah um is if mike invites me and
i don't want to go saying no and if i don't go
he'll be mad at me yeah i his dad invited us
to a hockey game and i said no i'm so proud of
you and he went and i stayed home and then he
came home and we went to bed And it was fine.
I've been telling you this for years. He wasn't
mad at me at all. But see, this is the one that
I think when, when we were talking about these
different, you know, real talks, I really wanted
to talk to you about this in particular with
the mental health and relations, because you
said that you, when you had sort of a shift in
your mental health, you and Mike used to be sort
of equal extroverts. Yeah. And he's still very
much an extrovert. Even if he has mental, I don't
know his mental health. I don't know anything,
but that's not a problem for him. He likes that.
He enjoys to be an extrovert. You're, you. Started
to have an issue with certain depression and
becoming an introvert. And some of that was related
to your mental health. And it seemed like from
the outside that at least for you, it created
a lot of strife in figuring out how to navigate
your relationship with him because you were now
mismatched in this way. And that's something
that I think is a good example of when your mental
health changes, how do you make that work with
your existing partner who... obviously they're
their own person and they have their own their
own ways of life and and maybe you guys agreed
on something before and now maybe you don't well
or not agreed but you know maybe you had the
same outlook on something and now maybe your
mental health has changed so you have a different
outlook right um so what i did was just kept
doing it yes and you were miserable yes um until
i recently got to therapy and talked about it
and finally said no yeah so that's how i dealt
with it is i just kept doing things so now that
you've started to deal with it what were the
effects of that like from i oh i was i i was
just tired yeah i was tired i didn't want to
like i just i probably didn't have a great attitude
about it no but do you think it was like affecting
i i guess mike and i never had that conversation
but if you had let's say if you had because now
you're getting to the other side of it that's
what i mean the the sort of um hindsight well
like i never asked him how he portrayed me in
those situations like how he's like did he see
that i was not having a good time right or did
i play it off so well that he never thought about
it i have a feeling it wasn't like maybe every
time you weren't killing it um but yeah i i can
understand that though because sometimes you're
in varied or you're more malleable like i i was
never an extrovert Yeah. But there were times
I've been with people. I would say I'm an introverted
extrovert. That makes sense for you, I think.
Yeah. I've always been like a hardcore introvert,
but there were times in my life that I was more
malleable. I was more like, I can go along to
get along with this. And then there were, I got
to a certain point in my life where I was like,
I can't fucking do this anymore. And I stopped.
And, but it doesn't always have to be like, you
can't be with that person anymore. Right. If
you're with the right person, I wasn't with the
right people. But if you're with the right person,
it can be as simple as a conversation. But sometimes
it's just hard to have that conversation because
back to like what you're telling yourself in
your own mind, because you're probably telling
yourself. He's going to be so mad. He's going
to be angry. It's going to ruin our relationship.
He's going to go fuck somebody else because he's
so mad at me. And then I say similar shit to
myself about other things. But when we do have
these conversations, he's just like, yeah, like,
I don't care. I've been sitting right here and
he's been like, I don't give a fuck if you go.
And he's meant it. Yeah, I know. But in my mind,
he was like, I don't give a fuck if you go. But
if you go, I'm going to fucking cheat on you.
Yeah. I hope you don't so I can stick it in somebody
else. Yeah. Yeah. I'm afraid of being resented.
Yeah. Because I've been in a relationship where
I was resented for just being myself, by the
way. But when you're with a fucking coward who
won't tell you how they feel, it's hard to shake
that like you're always investigating. Yeah.
You know, kind of like the cheating thing. Sometimes
I'll think that if I do the wrong thing or if
I make him upset, because you're going to make
each other upset. They're not going to want to
wash the dishes. And it's just normal. It happens,
right? But I'm inside my head. Yeah. I'm like,
he's going to hate me for this. Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but he's going to hate me
for this. And a lot of that I've learned has
to do with my own preconceived notions about.
what I am supposed to be and what I have to absolutely
avoid in a relationship. And it's not just like
it's things that I went through. It's things
that I've seen my parents go through. Mental
health is a layered dip. There are so many layers.
Yeah, it's more than a seven layer dip here.
Yeah, it's like that guacamole. It's like that
trifle that Rachel made on that episode of Friends
where it was like meat and pudding. Yeah, it
was like first there's a layer of ladyfingers,
then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made
from scratch, then more ladyfingers. Then beef
sauteed with peas and onions. It's very that.
But I think if I had like a, I know we've talked
about a lot of things today, but if I had like
a final thought for it would just be, you're
going to change. Yeah. You know, and your mental
health is one of the things that's going to change.
You and your partner or your partners, like as
you go through your life. And it's not a bad
thing unless you don't deal with it. Communication
is so important. Yeah. And not. Not just when
you have mental health issues. And Mike and I,
like a lot of the relationships we're around.
Yeah. Do not communicate. Yep. And we're sitting
back like we were very happy to have each other.
Yeah. Because we're just like, this is awful.
Yeah. And then we get home and we're just like,
this is great. I really love you. Yeah. I love
you so much. I'm so glad that you talked to me.
Yeah. Communication is so important. And these
things are going to come up. And it's like, if
you keep your core connection to each other and
communicate through these things, you'll probably
be okay. But this is the thing. It's not just
about communicating with each other. It's also
about communicating with yourself and being really
honest with yourself about what you're going
through and about what is bothering you. If you
need help doing that, that is okay and probably
better. Like some of the things that we have
had, like these giant blow up hat, like, you
know, we've been together almost eight years.
Like I'm almost embarrassed that we didn't just
like figure out what the fuck was going on before
we got into this giant fight or something. And
it coming out on the other side and deciding
that that's your person and really upping your
communication game with each other and separately,
you can really see the difference that it makes.
So I think, you know, we always are like, it's
not anything to be ashamed of if you're going
through something that you don't understand and
do whatever you need to do to help you understand
it. And if your relationship is changing, that
doesn't have to mean it's over. And if it is
over, that doesn't have to be the worst thing
in the world. You deserve to be happy and you
deserve to be in a situation where you feel safe
and secure. Hopefully you can figure that out
with whatever, whoever you love. But if that's
not what's happening, the best thing you can
do is just accept it. Because it'll just make
things worse. Exactly. It'll make things worse
mentally. It'll make things worse physically.
It'll make just, it'll just be a toxic situation.
Well, and I can tell you from experience, it's
like I went through a mental health breakdown
and it had almost nothing to do with my relationship.
I mean, there were parts of being in the relationship
I was in that made it worse at the time, but.
Once I came out on the other side a little bit
and I got some help, I had almost another full
blown one because I was in a terribly toxic relationship
and I could see it for the first time because
I wasn't busy just trying to keep myself alive.
So it's not going to go away. Just you deserve
to be happy and you deserve to be able to adjust
to those changes, whatever they are. And therapy
is great. Yeah, therapy is great. But we hope
you guys have enjoyed this episode and gotten
something out of it. Hopefully this is starting
good conversations for your relationship or even
amongst your friends as you guys are, you know.
leaning on each other you know where to find
us instagram at three zero dirty and dying and
we'll be there for you and and help you as best
we can or help point you in the right direction
yep i think you said all the good things try
well we'll see you next week guys rissy wake
up