Hello! Hey, welcome back to 30 Dirty and Dying.
Where were 30 Dirty and Dying? Heavy on the last
D. The dying. Depression. That too. I've been...
Let's get real for a minute. Okay. First of all,
I'm Clarissa. I'm kourtney and I'm getting real.
I'm depressed. I've been... I've been having
one of the most, like, longest depressive episodes
that I've had in a fucking while. I mean, it's
probably been, like, close to a month. And it's
like, it's not... I've had depressive episodes
before, and I've had the ones... I have PTSD
with major depressive episodes. That's the diagnosis.
But, like, you know, they're not as bad as they
once were. They usually last a couple days and
it's like, I can't get out of bed. I'm, you know,
everything's made up at the point so matter.
And then after like two days of that, I'm like,
okay, I'll brush my teeth again. I've had times
in my life where it's been like that level of
it. Like I can't get out of bed. I can't for
days and days and days. Like hair mad at like
all the shit you see on the bad Zoloft commercials
that get real. This one's been like in the middle.
It's like not full blown. But I can't get past
it. Okay, I've even tried to have a few like,
man, maybe if I just make myself not get out
of bed, I'll like get it out of my system. It's
not working. I don't know. So it's functionally
depressed. Yeah, yeah, which like is sort of
my norm. But like, I know I'm depressed. And
yeah, it's been a rough one. So I'm happy to
be back recording another episode of the podcast
because I need some joy. You could have just
asked me to come over. You yeah, I should have
I'm not far away. I really should have I've just
we've just been like weirdly busy Yeah, not like
a ton of stuff, but just like enough to make
it like yeah and awkward like awkward days So
that we don't have you know what I mean. I haven't
just been like here which also sucks Hate that.
Well, I also have a vehicle. So if you want to
just take a ride. Oh Okay. Well, I'm glad you're
here right now. Yeah hanging out with me to record
the podcast, but still, I got you here under
podcast pretenses. But you can get me under friendship
pretenses too. Well, yeah. And we're gonna do
that more of that soon because the season's almost
over. Can you fucking believe it? It's like another
one here and gone. Another one bites the dust.
Another one bites the dust. It feels like just
yesterday we were starting our first ever episode.
yeah but now we're on this is the end of season
six so 120 episodes is what it'll be when it's
all said and done this will be 120 19 of the
season so 119 and then one more after this the
next one you hear will be our season finale guys
it's crazy yeah So we've done a lot of fun stuff
this season. And we like love games, we love
to do games and stuff. And we like to do our
real talk. So we thought we'd do something like
if you were around for our telling ourselves
our younger selves, things like giving our younger
selves advice episode. We sort of combine the
two and made like a game out of getting a little
real and talking about our real lives and our
experiences getting to 30 town. And we're gonna
do that again, this time, a little bit. So, you
know, not really a game, but structured, a little
bit fun. Functured. Functured. Functionally depressed.
But no, so we're gonna go through some what would
have happened if some ghosts of Christmas passed
if you - crazy. Yeah, you know, we're getting
we're getting to the holidays. And we're basically
doing that whole Lebanese or screwed shit. Are
you a Honda days or a Toyota thon? I started
crying the other day at a Subaru commercial.
Is it like Dumb and Dumber when he's crying from
that Bell phone commercial? I don't fully remember
that part. It was the lady saved a dog. And like
the dog was like, he's had a hard life. And they
get home and the dog was afraid to get out of
the car. So she just like lean the seats all
the way back with their great functionality that
Subaru offers. Not sponsored, but you fucking
could be guys. And was like, it's okay. Whenever
you're ready. I'm not gonna leave you bald like
a bitch. Dog. Subaru. Fuck me up. This girl a
dog and a Subaru. I already have both of those
things. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just not because
he lives with my mom because he's a sensitive
little boy. He's just, like, clinically insane,
like his mommy. What were we saying? Um, Subarus.
Oh, the show today! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
so we're gonna - Not like Subarus! Joseph Christmas
passed. We're gonna go back and, uh, look over
our life's choices and see - We've made some
choices. We've made some choices, you know? We've
gotten a lot of experience over these years that
have gotten us to the other side of the 30 mark,
which is the whole point of the show, and - What
it's like on this side and the reason things
are the way they are for us is because we've
made choices We could have had very different
stories. Yeah, so we're gonna basically create
our own Christmas Carol here and Be Scrooge and
the ghost at the same time. I feel that yeah
in my soul. Yeah bah humbug, but also Yeah, cuz
you know neither of us have decorations out no,
but We're gonna get festive gonna do it. I'm
gonna power through I want to Maybe it'll help
you get out of the depressive. I think so just
a little holiday cheer. Yeah choices choices
That makes us who we are. I'm gonna get into
all of our life choices today Talk about what
could have happened if they went if things went
the other way and we're just gonna kind of walk
down what if lane You know, I get to the end
of the year another year gone start to get a
little bit retrospective So we're gonna do today
the first We gotta get retrospective about the
90s. Back in time. All right. Nineteen, nineteen,
nineteen ninety seven. An oldie putty goodie.
I was surprised that we hadn't done 97 this season.
We've done it before, obviously, in past seasons.
But I think I just I know what I want to always
talk about. We lost Diana. And I'm always surprised.
Yeah. Wait, she's dead? What do you mean? I'm
like, wait, it was in 97? Yep. Crazy. Yep. She
died in 97, funeral, big old deal. I was looking
up for the little like back in time collages
that we do on Instagram, and I was looking up
pictures of like, you know, the moral stuff.
And there's there are so many pictures, the sheer
amount of just like, they fill the entire grounds
around Buckingham Palace, like just people. um,
with flowers and cards and, um, and it was like
probably up to your knees worth of stuff. Just
the entire space was filled. It was crazy how
much stuff people, people left there as like
this outpouring of grief. Wow. Do you think it
was an inside job? I don't, I don't know if I
would say that. I don't really think that, but
I do think, I think in an indirect way, she was
set up to be torn down. I don't think like people
I don't think it was like an inside job like
they were gonna kill her. I'm like, cut the break
lines. I mean, I don't know maybe though maybe
something else will come out at some point and
we'll know but I do think it was just a traffic
accident but the media just like attacked her.
I mean, it was like an attack every day of her
life. I mean, they just like were on her like
lions on gazelles. Yeah, well, I mean, a woman
who is in power, you know, yeah, they just they
they set her up to be this like beautiful. Figure
that everyone wanted and then When it didn't
work and when she didn't fall in line It was
like getting set up to be torn down again. It
really felt like that a little bit now I don't
think it was like a conspiracy, but I think I
love a good conspiracy I mean, you know, it's
interesting to hear but I don't think it was
like a conspiracy. I just think it was Almost
like a self -fulfilling prophecy like, you know
this the undercurrent of what was going on within
that dynamic led to her ultimate death. I really
think that. But yeah, sad stuff, sad stuff. What
else happened in 97? Let's make it happier. I
looked up some movies. I love a movie. And there
were a lot. There were more. Obviously Titanic
is the big boy. That big ass boat, you know,
and you said Jurassic Park. One of them also
was okay. So Jurassic Park, The Lost World. Gotcha.
So like Good Will Hunting came out. Everybody
loves that one never watched it Hercules Hercules
Hercules And you know who should have who I wish
I would have remembered for our fictional characters
episode a couple weeks back Hades um Speaking
of okay. I have so many that I forgot is saying
well on the reels on your cuz you're not tick
tock anymore the Wiggles tree Do you know what
I'm talking about? No. Oh my gosh, you're so
far behind. I'm sorry, I'm fucking 30 and I act
like it. What are you trying to say? Saying that
you act younger, which is fine. I know what you
did last summer, another movie. G .I. Jane. Never
watched it. It's really good. Con Air, also really
good. Getting in the Cage with Nick Cage. Anaconda.
I watched it. Honestly, I think it was in 97.
or 98, I told you, my parents just let me do
whatever. They had no like, she's too young for
this. And I watched Anaconda with my parents.
It was probably like 98 actually, like the HS.
And we watched it at home. And you know, one
of my first nightmares that I can remember came
from Anaconda. So I watched it, it was probably
like four, which, strike one. And I told you
that, I've told you before that like my dad worked
away when I was a little kid. So it was just
me and my mom a lot. And I would get up a lot
in the middle because I didn't like I didn't
sleep like normal kids sleep. But my mom would
stay conked out and she could trust me to be
a normal kid. So I had this dream that seemed
very real. And I think this is why I remember
it. I get up out of out of bed. I was sleeping
in my mom's bed. And I look at the clock. It's
like midnight. I wander out probably to get my
midnight snack. And there's I had this pillow
when I was a kid like think like security blanket,
but it was a pillow. Okay, and My pillow was
on we had this big armchair and I was like, oh
my pillows out here. Let me go get it And I walk
over to get the pillow and I lift it up and the
anaconda from anaconda is just like swirled up
in our armchair And I flipped out and woke up
and realized that was a dream, but it was so
fucking real I feel like it was one of my first
experiences with weirdly realistic almost lucid
dreaming. Mm -hmm turn young. Yeah, well So was
all the reasons that I have problems, but whatever.
But yeah, so Anaconda, special place in my heart,
scared the shit out of me, but I loved it. Anyways,
you keep talking now. The US Treasury introduced
a redesigned $50 bill. Wow, good for them. This
is a chaotic episode, I'm sorry. But one of my
Hear Me Outs that I forgot that I wanted to...
The Hamburglar. Interesting choice. Yeah, I know.
Also, low -key kind of grimace. I'm not sure
what he is, but I don't care. She's purple. I
love purple. It's my favorite color. So Tinky
Winky as well. My mom didn't let me watch the
Teletubbies. Oh, I love Teletubbies. She thought
it was weird. I mean, correct. They are weird.
Yeah. And I think she thought it would like brainwash
me and make me stupid. I'm not stupid. So maybe
she was right. And I'm not brainwashed. And I
like Teletubbies. Who knows? We can't redo the
episode. I just needed to point out the Hamburglar
because, yes. And Grimace, okay. And Grimace,
absolutely. And then mine's the Wiggles Tree
of Wisdom. I have to add that. Understood. So,
97. US Treasury $50 bill. Good for them, I guess.
Fucking. Hamilton's on the 50, right? Or no,
he's on the 10. Who's on the 50? Grant. You're
asking me to one name presidents. Hamilton was
not a president. Fuck. Alexander Hamilton. Had
a torrent affair and he wrote it down right there.
Highlights. That was one of my favorite songs
in Hamilton. I really like Hamilton, guys. Something
you may not have known about me. You know what
I love right now? Wicked. I saw it on Sunday.
Was it great? Don't tell me. I'm seeing it again
on Friday. That's great. I don't know any fucking
thing about it, but I do want to watch it. I
started listening to the audio book. Oh, it's
a book? Yeah. It came out in - I don't fucking
know. came out 95 we should have 95 we've already
done 95 oh fuck well 95 wicked honorable mention
the book yeah no i didn't know that yeah it was
it was a book and then it became the broadway
show okay in like 2000 something or other um
and then now the movie i was gonna go see it
when i was in new york one time but we just didn't
end up i would love to see it on broadway that'd
be fun Yeah, me too. I would still like to see
it. But I don't know fuck about it. But I really
want to watch it. And I don't know fuck about
it. I just listen to the music. I don't even
know. I mean, I know some of the songs from like
pop culture. But yeah, in a middle school show
choir, I sang popular. Did it make you popular?
No. Trying some more favorite Halloween costumes
in 97. Oh shit. Batman and Robin. Love it. Tiger
Woods. Garth Brooks. Country singer. He wore
a black hat. Black shirt. Tucked in. Spice Girls.
Spice up your life. Every boy and every girl.
Spice up your life. People of the world. Spice
up your life. Somewhere to the left if you're
having a good time. Check it to the right if
you know that you feel fine. Check it to the
front. Go round. Shit. I'm gonna just throw movies
in as we go, because there are so many from 97.
Okay, perfect. So keep doing your stuff, but
I'm gonna just throw out movies as we go. Georgia
the Jungle. fucking banger with Brendan Fraser.
What a man. What a man. He's definitely my hero.
He's not even hear me out. No, he's right now.
Any time, any way you want it. That's the way
you need it. Good burger. Welcome to Good Burger,
home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
Almost daily, I say I'm a dude. He's a dude.
She's a dude. And we're all dudes. Yeah. Flubber.
I can't speak today. I love Wobbin' Williams.
When do we love Wobbin' Williams? When do we
love Wobbin' so much? Also Air Bud. I never watched
it. I loved it. I had a couple of Air Bud movies
on VHS. I believe it. They're still downstairs
in the garage, probably. I love that for you.
But I liked Air Bud. I liked basketball. I liked
dogs. It was the perfect combo. Yeah. The popular
baby names? Yeah. Michael. Avi. Matthew. Christopher
Axe. Axe? Yeah. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Axe,
Romans, first Corinthians. Axe. Oh, you're saying
A -C -T -S. I thought you were saying Axe. I
was like, what kind of name is that? Do you know
how I'm just like going through it? Yeah, I was
just naming the gospels though, because those
aren't gospels. I'm just, you know, just all
the books. All the books. Hang on. Deuteronomy.
Oh, we're going old school. Okay. Corinthians.
First Corinthians, second Corinthians. Exodus.
Genesis. Deuteronomy? Did you already say that?
I did. No. Maybe. I don't know. It's a big book.
Ezekiel. Psalms. Revelations. Anyways, Christopher,
Joshua. Joshua. Emily, Jessica, Ashley, and Samantha.
Emily, Jessica, Ashley? Yep. I mean, I knew a
bunch of kids who had those names growing up,
so that makes sense. Fashion trends? Okay, denim
on denim. Oh, Canadian tucks, chokers and candies.
Oh my god, yes. Both of those things. Those stood
the test of time. Oh, yeah, people wear chokers.
Sheer black dresses and skirts. Why do I have
so many that are like 90s style that I bought
when they all started coming back? Leather pants
and white crop tops. Well, it was showing kind
of rocking some 90s vibes today. You got a little
sheer long sleeve. black with some turtleneck
and then a dress over it. A turtleneck and chain
sipping on a light beer. Do you want to just
go with music? Yeah. Just bang it out? Bang it
out. All right. So these are the hot year end
singles. You know how it goes. A lot of them
might have come out the year prior, but they
were still killing it. Number one back to Diana
was Candle in the Wind. by Elton John, the redo
he did for that one. A lot of songs on here I
don't feel comfortable saying anymore, because
they were Diddy and Tori's B .I .G. songs. And,
you know. Not in, yeah, that's not, it's not
too bad. Allegedly not so great. Wannabe, Spice
Girls. You wanna be my lover, you gotta get with
my friends. Yup. Bitch. Semi Charmed Life by
Third Eye Blind. Oh, you'll love this. This is
the last song. Tub Thump and Big Chumbawumba
fan. I'm a Chumbawumba fan. Hey, thanks for listening
to 30 Dirty and Dying, the show for millennials
by millennials. We get real about chronic illness,
burnout, nostalgia, and why we aren't exactly
thriving. If that sounds like you, join us every
Thursday for new episodes. Now back to the show.
Today, like we said, we're doing something a
little different. We're gonna take walks down
memory lane and talk about what would have happened
if we would have made different choices in our
lives, respectively. So I have some what if scenarios
that are a little vague, but that I feel like
could apply to both of us. And you guys probably
know some of these. If you've listened to us
for a while, we've told some of these stories.
And now we're just gonna pull the thread a little
bit. So I guess we'll just, we'll just go down
this list and we can both say what works for
us. Cool. So first one, what if we never met
our spouses slash partners? Oh, I thought you
were about to say if we never met, then I would
have been dead. Hold on. I wouldn't have been
bored. That might come later. Okay. If I never
met Mike. Yeah, you never met Mike if I never
met Justin. See it can get dark real fast. Well
at that point before I met Mike I had already
stopped talking to Bob Okay, good for you. And
I if you're new to new here Bob is the villain
Bob was the villain for way too long way too
many sequels and Then I also like had already
stopped talking to Lucky Charms. Oh good because
he was a fucking disaster so embarrassed Anyways,
I wasn't like stuck in another situation. Right?
Like I actually was like, single. Yeah. Which
rarity really was known me. And I was just like,
living it. Yeah. So like, I don't know. Like,
I feel like if I didn't meet Mike, I would eventually
met someone else and just like gone down that
road. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Because like I was
like, finally realizing what I deserved. Yeah,
like it took a very long time. But like I was
like healing myself before I even met Mike. Yeah,
so which made Mike work. Yeah, because I was
okay. I kind of agree with you about my situation
as well. I mean, a little different just because
like, so before I met Justin, I was I had been
in a couple like more serious relationships.
And I'd been in a kind of long term one that
ended. and I stayed single. I mean, for the most
part, I've, you know, dated a little bit, but
I was actively staying single for like, it was
like a year. It was honestly like a good year.
And I remember when I was trying to get back
out there and I got the apps and I did, you know,
and I fucking hated it. And I'm sure I've told
this before, like, when we've done like online
dating episodes or whatever. But I when I was
going to meet Justin, it was sort of a I'd sort
of given myself an ultimatum. I had had a couple
situation ships with the apps and I just I just
hated it. And they didn't go well. And I was
so sick of it. And I was realizing a lot of things
about myself in that course of that year that
I was single. Because when I had been in my past
relationship, it was just like I was doing so
many things and on the sort of one track ride
to a life that I didn't really want to have.
And I didn't really understand how I got there.
And it was like the how you say you're finding
yourself. Yeah, I don't know if I was finding
myself like my core self. But I was finding out
what I wanted in life and what I really didn't.
Yeah. It seemed a little unconventional because
I sort of just went along to get along. And that's
how I ended up in those past situations. So realizing
that I hated dating and I hate sucks dating sucks
I hated it and I also didn't feel the need to
like settle just so I would have a boyfriend
right or have someone for lack of a better term
pick me and you know I think we all went through
a phase some worse than others but we all went
through a phase where it was like that it was
like me love me choose me like because there
was this even if you were one of the more like,
whatever quote unquote confident people. There
was this unspoken societal thing about like,
but if you can't find a boyfriend, there's something
wrong with you. And I think when I was much younger,
I think I sort of maybe fell into that a little
bit. And I was realizing coming out on the other
side, like I don't give a fuck if I ever find
a boyfriend again. So when I met Justin I sort
of was giving myself an ultimatum after these
really bad experiences like if this dude doesn't
work out I'm done for now. Yeah, I feel no Pain
about that, right? I don't feel like a failure.
I don't feel like a Not good enough. I I don't
want to keep going because I hate this and I'm
not gonna just settle for some fucking guy Who
I don't even like Want to I'm either want to
be with somebody who I really like and enjoy
spending time with them Or I don't want to be
with anybody and that's fine So I really think
if I hadn't met him or if something had happened
where we had not pursued a relationship I Think
I'd probably be single. I think I'd probably
be full -blown spinster and love in every second
of it I love every second of my life now don't
get it twisted like I love that we ended up together
and it worked but I think the reason it worked
is because I was making peace with myself that
like I don't need this, I can enjoy this if it
works out. And if he's the right guy. And when
I was making that ultimatum, it wasn't like if
he's my forever person. I just meant like, if
this one last maybe doesn't work out, I'm done.
I didn't know he was gonna end up being the person.
I'm glad he was. But if he hadn't been... Same
same outcome. I would have probably stayed single
for a while. Maybe I would have never ever maybe
I would have ended up with Joshua and Then gotten
divorced hopefully. I know I didn't like him
either. Well, I mean the thing is though like
since I had Been with Mike. Yeah and had that
type of relationship and then like we broke up
and then I Ended up with like Joshua for a while.
Yeah, which was complete opposite. Yeah I feel
like if I didn't have the microrelationship at
all, that would have been fine. Yeah, because
you wouldn't have known that it's not what you
wanted. Right. Yeah. I would have been like,
this is good. He treated me well. I loved his
family. Right. Everything was good. So then let's
keep going with that because I have another question
that sort of vibes. I mean, no guarantees. I
also probably would have still fucked with John.
What do you think would have happened if you
would have married or ended up with someone else
from your past? like one of your past relationships.
Which one? I don't know. This is open ended for
you. You want me to go through all of them? Every
single one? I don't know. But if you want to
talk about Joshua, if you want to talk about
another one, just someone else from the past.
And I don't know, interpret that however you
want. I mean, whichever the one was most likely
maybe. I mean, if I ended up with Bob, I would
have been miserable with probably a kid, you
know? Or several. Anyways. Yeah. So, you know.
What about Joshua? Because that was your most
recent other serious relationship before you
and Mike got back together and was like, this
is it. So that was the most likely to have gone
the distance. So what do you think would have
happened there? And that's after knowing that
maybe you guys didn't vibe the way you thought
you would. Either either I would have come to
the conclusion that it wouldn't have worked out
Yeah, the same way like maybe like I wouldn't
have had Like Mike is a reference of a type of
relationship. Well, maybe you did I mean this
could also be that you and Mike broke up and
never back together and you just stayed with
Joshua Maybe I would have like I don't know like
I know that's the fun of this Yeah, cuz I feel
like I like was finally being an adult about
things. Yeah and realized in myself that I would
have treated him wrong. Yeah, so you feel like
to think you would have made I would have I think,
I think regard like, like, take Mike, I have
to take Mike out of the situation. Yeah, because
with this line, because with this line, I would
have done the same thing. Yeah. So if I never
met Mike, and I never had that type of relationship,
and I stayed like, and I because like, I've known
Joshua for a long time for years. So like, I
feel like that could have still happened. Yeah,
but maybe at some point you would have realized
this isn't for me. Maybe I would have or maybe
I'd have been like, this is great. Like, this
is the first like healthy relationship that I've
had. Yeah. Because it would have been. Yeah.
And his family loved me. And I loved them. Probably
would have just stayed. See, that makes me sad.
But I know him. So that feels sad. But he wasn't
bad. I know. I just think he was weird. But that's
just me. Probably being a bitch. and a lover
and a child and a mother, you know. He's not
a bad dude. He's a nice guy. And he was a good
boyfriend. Yeah. So you think if you had still
met Mike, but you guys just didn't get back together,
you might have stayed. And maybe at some point
realize I probably would have still realized
later, maybe not as soon. Maybe not as soon.
But I mean, the thing is, though, like, like
Mike and I were still like friends. Yeah, like
we still talked because like things were going
on with like my grandma. and things were going
on with his grandparents and we were just checking
in with each other. Yeah. But it was all service
level conversation and we had no intention like
we were both with other people we had no intentions.
Yeah. So it like it wouldn't have had to do with
him necessarily. No. But that's what I mean about
like if you would have even if you wouldn't have
had the point of reference for my the relationship
you had had with Mike previously, I feel like
there might have still been a way that you found,
hey, this doesn't work for me. Maybe because
like you said, you were already sort of getting
into knowing yourself a little bit more even
prior to so who knows what that level of self
discovery would look like. But I feel like if
I would have kept the relationship with him,
Mike never would have been able to be in the
So if it would have happened the way it happened
the way it really happened like you were with
Mike you guys broke up Then you end up with Joshua.
Mm -hmm. It probably wouldn't have gone Even
if you would have married him and gone for a
while. I probably would have married him Well,
that's the question though. If you married someone
else well Well, if I married John, okay, then
I would be a widow Spoiler alert. Well speaking
of um, I only had one other like really serious
really that not I've had other relationship,
but what I'm saying is, I had one that was sort
of on the brink of marriage. I didn't get engaged.
It was like engaged to be engaged kind of deal.
Thank God that didn't work out. Yes. Um, I'll
just say right now and I'm not going to go into
a ton of detail because I don't want people to
call numbers or anything. I'm fine. But I wouldn't
still be here. Like if if I had married him and
and had the What everyone expected you to have
and continue to go along to get along like I
don't think I would have made it I'm not saying
he would have killed me or anything I'm just
saying I don't think that I could have made it
through that with my sanity, right? Things are
really bad for a while there and You know, I
had this like I remember this when it was we
were talking about depressive episodes at the
beginning One of the worst ones I ever had was
just a little bit before things really like hit
the fan with that relationship. And it was like,
I mean, I lost a job because I couldn't get out
of bed and go to work like it was, it was pretty
bad. And it was before like things had started
to really happen. So it was just all it felt
like it was all internal. But it was after I
quote unquote, got better, you know, because
I'd had my like, cute little mental breakdown.
A year or two early things having a breakdown.
And you know, I went to therapy and got diagnosed
and did the work. Like with people who don't
have a lot of experience with mental health.
And at the time I didn't and my family and friends
did not either. You just think it's like going
to get medicine from a doctor and you'll be fine.
And sometimes it can be that for people. Sometimes
it's not. But I was certainly more stable and
like good and not, you know, worrying people
every second. And then I slipped into this depressive
episode after all that. So I was like, okay,
well, it's it's not that stuff. So what the fuck
is going on? And obviously, you don't need a
reason to be depressed if you have that issue.
But I don't know, I just felt like something
was really off in my life. And I remember this
moment where I was in the middle of one of those
really bad episodes. And I was just like laying
in bed in the house that we've lived in together.
Don't want to say like I had a vision or like
I'm fucking that's a raven I don't mean it like
that But I just had this moment of whatever you
want to call it whether it was something like
that or whether it was just like a really sharp
moment of clarity Where I just kind of saw my
life if we did those things like we went through
with getting married and having kids and doing
the whole shebang and It was just like this You
won't make it You can't handle that. That's not
the life that you're supposed to have. You can't
live through this. I could see, once you've been
in a certain place in your life, you can see
how you could go back, you know? And it was like
seeing how I could go back. And I was just like,
I can't do this. This isn't the life I'm supposed
to have. I need to get out. Yeah. Now, I wish
I had taken that and hopped out of bed and ran
with it that day. I did not. But it's never left
me you know and eventually I did get out and
So yeah, I really think that I wouldn't I don't
think I'd be here And this podcast wouldn't exist
true that they really wouldn't yeah, that just
wasn't the life for me It's not necessarily about
him or anything like that. I mean some of it
might be maybe he was an asshole Maybe I was
an asshole, but overall it's more that wasn't
the life for me and it wasn't good for me and
what I need from just life in general or a partner
or a situate like it just wasn't right yeah and
I almost you know I was going full steam ahead
for a lot of years so just because I don't know
it was like it was you know the self -driving
cars I have now yes it was like if you were in
a self -driving car and you fell asleep and the
car drove you into the fucking forest and then
you wake up in the forest some indeterminate
amount of time later and you're like why are
we here how did we get here what's going on and
the car won't answer because it's dead and you're
just like what the fuck do i do now how would
i get out of the forest why am i even here that
was the level of like once i Came to in my life
after having some mental health stuff. I was
like man. How do I get in this forest? Yeah,
it was like waking up in a forest. It was crazy
Yeah, just like making a bunch of decisions that
I would have never probably made in my right
mind. I Probably would have felt more pressure
to have a kid that too because it was like we
already we were it was obvious We were going
to have kids like five That's horrible. Was going
to get legally married. That's five too many.
Was going to get legally married. Had to have
a wedding, per his request. I was like, if we're
gonna get married, can't we just go down to the
port? No! He needed to have his day. Okay, next
one. Hadn't started the podcast. I don't know,
I probably would just cry every day. I think
so too. I really enjoy it. It gives me a lot
of fulfillment. I do a lot of the like creative
stuff with it and that you know, scratches my
creative itch or at least one of them. I have
several very itchy. Um, yeah, I'm very itchy
and it scratches all my itches, or at least a
few and but also I think I have so many like
friends that I still love and am cool with but
we don't hang out very much like I just saw my
friend Liz. And we were like trying to make dinner
plans and we did I was like it's been like a
year So maybe and we live closer than we ever
and we're both stable now. So there's really
no excuse We just suck but I feel like we'd be
doing that. I feel like we wouldn't be as close.
Yeah, we are Yeah, I agree because we we see
each other a lot and we make time that it's hard
to Make time as grown -ups. It is it is it's
hard like even like I'm a And I'm a horrible
communicator. That too. In general. So like,
hey, you want to hang out Saturday and then you
text me in three weeks. Like, sorry, I'm busy
now. I can't. If you if you asked me about a
specific date, I would respond timely. Sometimes.
I do. I totally forgot I was supposed to come
to your house the other night and text you two
days later. I was like, so I didn't come on Wednesday.
So we both do it. But that's what I mean. That's
how it is. Yeah. Yeah. We try to do like non
podcast hangouts, it's so much harder. Yeah.
But also, I think it's made it easier at the
same time. Because we, we actively separate that
time, like we're friends, and we do the podcast
stuff. And we get to do both a lot, which is
awesome. But we make We try to make time. Yeah,
we definitely try to make time because like we
don't want our friendship just to be podcast.
Yeah, because I think we are both trying harder
than we normally would have to make sure that
we have that friendship time. And it's not just
podcast. Yeah, you're like one of the most important
people in my life now. Oh, you really are. I
mean, you know, I don't have that many people.
So don't get crazy. I mean, same. But like, I,
you really are one of the most important people
in my life. I talk about you a lot. I reference
like conversations we have a lot on the internet
and off. Yeah, I was actually just talking about
you today at work. Yeah, I was suggesting last
night. I was like, Courtney would know about
something. I don't know what it was. But I was
like, Courtney would know for sure. And I almost
texted you but like she won't answer. I might
have. Well, you just give it a try. I think the
podcast has been our friendship stronger. And
it's been seems like it's been fulfilling for
both of us. So what if you had pursued a different
career? So whatever was the most like Realistic
version of that for you. So what you were gonna
be in what if you were a social worker like your
degree? I would have been so depressed. Let's
talk about it. That's One I wouldn't have any
money because they don't make money true that
I Would have been burnt out. I would have been
stressed all the time. I would I mean is this
fucking clay about us Sounds kind of like I would
have been so much worse worse. Yeah, I would
have been so much because I feel like do you
think because the emotional investment? Yes,
because I just know that the whole reason I didn't
go into social work is because I know my personality
Yeah, and how I just like hold on to things you're
very empathetic very empathetic and I would have
been burnt out so quick because I just would
have been Like fully dialed in. Yes, and I could
not do that. Yeah, so if I did do that, I probably
would have already quit. Yeah And maybe I'd be
at the movie theater. I don't know. Because I
thought about pre -COVID, like the end of 2019,
I was looking at jobs. I remember one of the
few times we actually talked before all this
started. I remember you telling me that you were
like looking for... Yeah, because there's like
an assistant manager job at the one nearby. Yeah.
And I'm like... Should I do it? I was like, I
don't know. Man, this is sad. And then 2020 happened
and like theaters closed. I'm like, I'm so glad
I didn't do that. Yeah, it would have been fucked
out. Yeah. Well, I'm glad it worked out the way
it did. I think I mean, I was always going into
journalism. So it's like, I think my version
of this is if I had stayed a journalist, and
I don't know, I don't think it would be going
well. It was very, I was I was Okay at it near
the end. I got kind of shitty at it because I
was so tired Mm -hmm, and it burnt me out really
fat like you were saying with if you had become
a social worker I was so burnt out and part of
the reason I kept trying to leave was because
I Wanted to have some sort of balance in my life
that I knew didn't exist Yeah, and I still struggle
with it sure but like I'm much better at it not
in that field So I don't know how I would have
been able to maintain my relationship I feel
like I feel like I wouldn't have. Yeah. I feel
like it wouldn't look like it does now. Like
we have a real like proper partnership and a
home together and a life and I feel like we might
either have kept doing that like not necessarily
long distance but some version of that like just
hooking up when we could kind of deal. I mean
not just sexually but just being in a sort of
removed relationship. Yeah. Or we wouldn't be
in a relationship at all. I also don't think
I would have felt as empowered to pursue some
of the creative stuff that I've been able, like
my writing, like my book that was out and now
isn't. I don't know, maybe I'll read another
one. I'm working on it. But to even do that and
to do something like the podcast and I don't
think I would have ever felt like I had the time
or the creative energy to do that. Yeah, especially
like if you're editing and doing things with
like all day. And it's a noble field to be in
if you're doing it right. I don't mean it like
that. It just... I think it would have had some
real big impacts on my day to day. Would you
want more? Sure. One more. Had a falling out
with a close friend. Could be me. Could be someone
else. I mean, I don't even know who. I mean,
I have had falling outs with friends. One of
my other ones. Well, one that you haven't. Or
if you want to flip it on its head and say you
didn't have a falling out with the person that
you've had falling out with. I don't know. I
mean, one friendship that like, I wouldn't, it's...
It's not like it was a falling out to where like,
we were like angry at each other for any reason.
No, we just like stopped. Yeah, because I knew
that it was she came to me for reasons, and not
necessarily. Right. I mean, some friendship,
but like, she only like, talk to me. If someone
else wasn't talking to her. Yeah, your second
choice. Yes. And I that would just If I didn't
stop trying, if I maintained that type of friendship,
it just still would be back and forth. Yeah.
No, I totally get what you're saying. So what
about if you had had a falling out with a close
friend that you consider a close friend today?
I don't know. That's hard because like, I don't
know. What if we had a falling out? Then I'd
be sad and I wouldn't be able to like talk a
lot. like on a podcast. Yeah, it'd be a bummer.
It would be a bummer. But like I already like
don't talk to like anyone. So it's so hard. Like
I would be sad like if something happened to
where like we stopped talking like, yeah, I'd
be really sad because like you're my best friend.
But at the same time, I also still don't talk
to people. Yeah, so different than like having
a falling out when you're younger because like
your whole day to day life Yeah, cuz like I if
if I didn't have a friend like if I had a falling
out with a friend in high school Yeah, I see
them every day there would be my friends versus
your friends. Yeah drama Yeah, but like as an
adult like it just like I'd be sad and I'd be
like man this sucks But I still would keep going
because like yeah, is it there is no drama. I'm
not gonna like there's no issues with it like
we're fucking adults I can't even think of something
that would happen right now for us to have like
a real proper I can see maybe we have a disagreement
or something but like this it's one of those
things that it just doesn't feel like there's
as much like you said the drama thing happening
there is no drama like I mean we're adults and
we can like if we're having an issue we know
how to communicate Like we'll just talk about
it, which we do all the time. Like you said,
I've got my friend who I'm really close to and
we've never had a falling out. We've had times
where we've not talked very much and whatever,
but it's never been aggressive. And I still only
probably see her once a year just because life
is nuts. So some of it, I think you're right,
wouldn't be that noticeable. I do think though,
if you and I had had a falling out before and
we weren't friends now. You're like the you're
like my last like friend from like the movie
theater days And I still talk to a lot like I'm
so cool with some people like if they called
me I'd answer it's not like that Yeah, but there's
not that active like tie like you know not to
be too on brand but nostalgic kind of kind of
tie I wouldn't really have that with that group.
Yeah, and that was such a pivotal part of my
life. I feel like like yeah So it was like our
second home our second family. Yeah, so I wouldn't
be able to really like reminisce in the same
way I don't think and it maybe wouldn't feel
as as Good and like, you know warm fuzzy feeling
around that time and in Our lives, I don't know
who else I would talk to cuz I don't thanks.
Yeah I don't think I'd be feeling the same feels
the same nostalgic feels and then why the fuck
would I create a nostalgic podcast? Well, we
hope you guys have enjoyed this ghost of Christmas
pasting walk down memory lane and us kind of
talking about what could have been some good,
some bad, some just whatever. Yeah. Life's all
about choices. You know, so we get it. We've
made choices that have led us here. We'll make
more that'll lead us to whatever's next on our
30 journey. Dysentery? Who knows? The organ drill?
We could make that choice. What's an organ? Good
beer. A lot of hipsters. I want to go to Massachusetts.
I want to go to Maine, because I hear it's based
on the novel by Stephen King. I'm like a Maine
lobster roll? And I'm like, murder. Maine murder.
But also Salem, yes. I want to go to Salem so
bad. Me too, I'll go with you. We should plan
a girls trip to Salem. Another what could have
been, because if we would have been born then
and there, we would have been burnt at the stake.
For sure. For sure. Yeah, so we could have. We'll
continue this episode in Salem and see what our
trial would have looked like. We love you guys.
We've got our season finale coming up next week,
so make sure you are tuned in for that and follow
us on all the things at 30 Dirty and Dying. Anything
else to say, Courtney? Happy holidays, everyone.
Happy holidays. Yeah, we'll have our quote unquote
holiday episode next week as our finale. Can't
wait. Jingle jangle. Jingle all the way. Jingle
all the way. Bye guys. Bye! It's turbo time!