WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 01:51.000 INT. GOTHAM MEMORIAL ICU. MORNING. Beeping of a heart monitor; breathing of a respirator. Fuzzy atmosphere. JASON So then the other guy says, “Yeah. Can you please hold my hand?” Heh heh heh. Oh man, that one would’ve got you to hit me. Then you’d groan at me for ten minutes. Then four hours later you’d get my attention to groan at me again. Then you’d wake me up in the middle of the day to groan in my face. (chuckles) Listen. I - BRUCE enters the room. BRUCE Jason. JASON ... BRUCE You haven’t come home, since... JASON ... BRUCE Where have you been? JASON ... BRUCE What have you been doing? JASON ... BRUCE Alfred’s worried about you. JASON ... BRUCE Look, we need to talk about what happened the other night. JASON ... BRUCE Jason. I’m trying to - JASON stands up. JASON How about we skip it, old man. I know you’re not sorry, I know it’s my fault, so let’s just skip it. BRUCE If you would listen to me for a second - JASON Let’s skip that bit, too. You came to see Dick? He’s all yours. (turns to DICK) I’ll see you later, man. BRUCE Jason - BRUCE reaches for JASON; whacking sound of defense. JASON Don’t you fucking touch me. JASON leaves. Pause. BRUCE sighs and sits down. BRUCE Oh, chum. I don’t know who misses you more, him or me. 01:52.000 --> 06:43.000 CUT TO: INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE. LATER MORNING. BRUCE Hm? What were you saying? OSWALD (archly) I was saying, while you were apparently elsewhere, I have taken steps to deal with the problem of the mysterious yellow stranger. BRUCE What? But surely Batman - OSWALD Overstretched and undermanned, to put it mildly. No, after the mockery the stranger made of those SS agents, more competent assistance has been drafted to the cause. BRUCE What might this conscripted assistance look like? Harvey? HARVEY (terse) Seems your guess is as good as ours, Bruce. BRUCE That doesn’t bode well. OSWALD For both your information, I have had the Joker and Harley Quinn released from ARC to deal with the stranger, who is more than likely a product of their own labours anyway. BRUCE What? HARVEY What?! You can’t do that. OSWALD Oh, yes I can. If you care to read the fine print on the Arkham Asylum acquisition contract, you’ll find the clause that endows me with the power to release any prisoner, at any time, without the need for board approval. HARVEY So that’s why you didn’t have us draft the contract. BRUCE This is... (pinches his nose, sighs) You know what? Never mind. I’m too tired to deal with this right now. OSWALD (amused) Clearly your lifestyle is catching up with you, Mr. Wayne. Too many late nights out on the tiles, eh? BRUCE I have to go, but I won’t forget this. Oswald. You have my word. OSWALD (drily) I’ll be sure to take these impotent threats under advisement, along with the Ides of March. BRUCE Harvey. BRUCE leaves. HARVEY We can’t believe this. You deliberately kept us out of the loop for your own ends. OSWALD Naturally, Harvey. You’re rather quaintly ethical, and while it’s one of your charming little idiosyncrasies, it was of no use to me in this particular matter. HARVEY (getting angry) Of course. Why should we even be surprised about that? Why waste us on something of value when there’s all those menial tasks around? OSWALD Are you going somewhere with this? HARVEY It’s always, “Harvey get the car”, “Harvey do this”, “Harvey do that”, “Harvey bring the Bentley round”. OSWALD And? HARVEY We’re the goddamn District Attorney, not your errand boy. OSWALD (smug) We let ourselves be treated how we think we deserve, Harvey. HARVEY Oh, very glib. You’re abusing our trust, our skills, and our time. And you know it. OSWALD taps his fingers on the table in a bored fashion. OSWALD I know no such thing, Misters Dent. Perhaps you’d care to step outside and cool off a moment, before you say something I can’t take back? HARVEY Gey strashe di gens. (Yiddish: Go threaten the geese/You don’t scare me) HARVEY leaves, throwing the doors open. OSWALD Such drama, I suppose I should be lucky he’s only got two faces. (chuckles) Speaking of which, I wonder what’s become of Edward? EDWARD Oop, that’s my cue. EDWARD enters through the open door. OSWALD Patiently eavesdropping on matters that are of no concern to you? EDWARD Naturally. People have far more fascinating conversations when they think they’re alone. OSWALD Hmph. At least you’re honest about it. EDWARD Unabashed, even. OSWALD And where the bloody hell have you been recently, eh? You could have missed something of great import while you were gallivanting about God knows where. EDWARD Oh, I doubt that. As for where I’ve been, I went to see my therapist. Can’t you tell? OSWALD You do appear less irritatingly maudlin than before, but I didn’t think you and Dr. Crane were on speaking terms. EDWARD (laughs) No no no, this one actually earns his money: my hair stylist. Best hands and ears in the city. 06:44.000 --> 09:43.000 CUT TO: INT. COSMO’S SALON. SAME TIME. COSMO Cookie! Hurry up! The cab’s coming, and we still need to check in at the airport. COOKIE Cosmo, I’m right behind you! Jeez, we still have five hours. Think you’re gonna get picked for another ‘random’ search? COSMO Looking this good? I’d better. Now have we set up the answering machine? COOKIE Mm-hm, I did it this morning. COSMO And the mail holding? COOKIE Yesterday! We’re only going to be gone for two weeks, Cosmo. We’re not emigrating to Canada or nothing. Besides, who lives in Canada? COSMO Then I guess all we have to do is turn on the alarm and we’re - The salon door opens; two HEAVIES enter. COSMO Can I help you? HEAVY Are you Mr. Cosmo? COOKIE Cosmo, please don’t tell me you ordered Crumbl cookies again - they’re ruining my figure! COSMO Not today, honey. Today, I’m Mr. Vacation. HEAVY We need to have a word with you. COSMO I’m flattered, but we’re closed, and I don’t do miracles, so you’re gonna just have to live with... (gestures) that. HEAVY We understand you’re a friend of Edward Nygma. COSMO Never heard of him. HEAVY 2 That’s funny, because we saw him leaving here earlier. COSMO You spend your day watching salons? What an exciting life you must lead. HEAVY If you cooperate with us, things don’t have to get ugly. COSMO They already have, honey - the second you walked in. COOKIE (laughs) Nice. COSMO and COOKIE high five. HEAVY Pity. I guess you want to do this the hard way. We could break your salon, or we could break you. D’you have a preference? COSMO Well, I’d prefer you to get out and never come back. COOKIE agrees. HEAVY I’m afraid we can’t do that. See, you could have helped us out, but now it’s time to learn a lesson. COSMO cocks the shotgun he keeps in his styling chair. COSMO No honey, I think it’s time for you to learn a lesson. You think you’re the first hunks of ugly muscle to walk into my salon? Get over yourself. I’m gay. COOKIE He’s gay! COSMO I’m Jewish. COOKIE He’s Jewish! COSMO And I live in Gotham City. COOKIE He lives in Gotham City! COSMO So, if you’re going to try to walk into my home and intimidate me, you better have something bigger than a billy club in your hand. COOKIE You tell ‘em, Cosmo! COSMO Now why don’t you take a spin on those knockoff Santonis and get the fuck out of here before I make a hole in you so big, you’ll be rented out as a bachelor apartment. HEAVY We’ll find him ourselves, then. COSMO Yeah, you do that. The salon door closes as the HEAVIES leave. COSMO Jesus tapdancing Christ. COOKIE Do you want a vodka soda to calm your nerves? COSMO Just hand me the bottle. COSMO glugs some vodka straight from the bottle. COSMO (gasps) Oh, I need a vacation. Honking outside; their cab has arrived. COSMO Toda Raba. Let’s go! 09:44.000 --> 15:48.000 CUT TO: INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE. SAME TIME. EDWARD And let me tell you, he deserves every red cent. (gestures) Hm? Hm? OSWALD Hmph. Looks alright, I suppose. EDWARD Grudging praise is still praise to the discerning ear. OSWALD And a haircut took two days, did it? EDWARD (shrug) So I took some personal days. I mean, come on now, don’t tell me you actually needed me to be present for something, yesterday? OSWALD (brief pause) No. I didn’t. EDWARD There you go. Oh, uh, here. This came for you. OSWALD (crabby) Well, why didn’t Ophelia bring it in to me? EDWARD Presumably she was too busy polishing the doorknob and didn’t find the opportunity. OSWALD I don’t like that insinuation, Edward. Particularly from you. EDWARD (chuckles) I bet you don’t. OSWALD sets to opening the box; EDWARD rustles a newspaper. OSWALD Do you know, I still can’t seem to get a hold of bloody Samson. Haven’t seen hide nor hair of him all week. EDWARD (doesn’t care) You can’t get good help these days. (turns a page) Apparently. OSWALD Now then, what’s this about? EDWARD Looks like a jar of Harper brand relish. Hey, this stuff is supposed to be good. OSWALD Harper...? So he finally made it here, eh? Damn. EDWARD Chipotle, huh? Let’s see. EDWARD opens the jar. OSWALD A note here. Let’s see... “How is your man like an open door?” What do you suppose that means? EDWARD Well, the old riddle is when is a door not a door. OSWALD You know I care nothing for riddles, Edward. EDWARD Nonetheless, the answer is when it’s ajar, so I guess they’re saying Samson is... ajar? Oh no… I think I’m going to be sick. OSWALD What the blazes is wrong with you? EDWARD Ajar? A jar? Samson is... a jar? They’ve put him in... (revolted) oh God. OSWALD Hm. Are you suggesting that Samson is somehow a part of this relish? EDWARD Seems pretty damn obvious to me. I can’t believe that I - you let me eat that! Ugh. Water. I need water. OSWALD Such melodrama, Edward. Ever since that Valentino malarkey, you think everybody has a predilection for pushing cannibalism on an unwilling subject. EDWARD gargles his water and then spits it out. EDWARD Let’s just say that I’m much more open to the possibility these days. That’s what experience is supposed to do, you know - teach you things. OSWALD Hogwash. EDWARD Fine. You try it, then. OSWALD I don’t want to. EDWARD Hah! See? OSWALD Shut up, I already ate. EDWARD scoffs. OSWALD Look, there’s something else in here. EDWARD Oh, sweet mercy. Either that’s a tragic start to a meatball sandwich, or those are... OSWALD Those are not Samson’s testicles. EDWARD Oh yes, he denies it so casually - how the hell do YOU know? Run a thorough, top to bottom inspection of your flunkies, do you? Check for lice and contraband? OSWALD Those could belong to anyone. In fact, they might not even be testicles - Edward, you are overreacting. EDWARD Alright then, let’s look on the bright side here: if he’s not in the relish, then his singing voice may have improved exponentially. OSWALD This is just a minor blip. EDWARD A blip? Surely this is the prelude to warfare, and nothing less. OSWALD Nothing worth panicking over - this is merely a... a handshake. A handshake between prominent individuals of power, nothing more. EDWARD Rather you than me. When I shake hands I prefer to keep hold of all my fingers. OSWALD And your testicles. EDWARD Well. That goes without saying. You’re sure you’re not brushing off this Harper business a tad too readily? OSWALD Oh no, no, no, no. Clearly Harper is trying to get my attention in a rather juvenile fashion, but he simply isn’t worth the consideration. No point in fretting about it, my lad. EDWARD I would say that a sudden sense of self-preservation in the face of a clear and obvious threat is a bit more than fretting, but I do not fret. I simply know red flags when I see them, and a personalised chunky relish with extra nuts certainly qualifies. OSWALD Ohh, so now you’re an expert! The one who opted to take a car instead of a private plane to round up Dr. Six Red Flags over Georgia? EDWARD Hey, I never said I avoided red flags. Only that I recognise them. OSWALD A piffling difference. EDWARD What are you going to do with those? Fashion them into earrings for Ophelia? OSWALD Hm? Oh, the cleaner can take care of all that. EDWARD (snorts) Someone needs a raise. OSWALD Still, not the strangest thing to turn up in the city hall mail bag. EDWARD I - you know what? I don’t doubt that. 15:48.000 --> 17:40.000 CUT TO: EXT. ARC PARKING LOT. EVENING. Footsteps as CRANE walks to his truck. JASON (behind him) Hey, Crane. CRANE (weary) What do you want, boy? JASON You got a minute? CRANE (sigh) Look, I’ve been here all day. You can check the surveillance cameras if you want. JASON I’m not here on business, okay? CRANE [sighs] Personal or professional? JASON Personal for me, professional for you. CRANE You. Wanna talk. To me. JASON Yeah. I’ve got some things to say. CRANE (laughs) Look, I don’t do pro bono for rich kids, and I ain’t a charity. You got that? JASON Fuck you: it’s a paying gig. CRANE I don’t know why the hell you’re sniffin’ ‘round here, because boy, I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. JASON Yeah, that’s kinda what I’m lookin’ for right now. I don’t need another person pretending to care. Pause. CRANE (sighs) Tomorrow. Two PM. You’re late, you’re history. Clear? JASON Crystal. I’ll be there. CRANE Uh huh. END.